Chapter Text
One day I'll get to you
And teach you how to get to purest hell
You do it to yourself, you do
And that's what really hurts
You do it to yourself, just you
You and no one else
Just-Radiohead
September 1st 1997
Summer 1997 was hot and heavy. But it was after all his best summer, even if it passed too quickly. And now it was September the first and the morning was gloomy.
Paul was nervous about his first day of school. For two months he was enjoying every second of his life with his friends. He entered within the school grounds. He approached the board where the class lists were hung. As he was searching for his name, he froze. Ben Biffle was the name just before his, and next was written his class, the same as Paul. He read it again, and again, but the letters stayed still.
He started feeling sick. But the bell tore him from his thoughts. He glanced one last time at the list in front of him and headed to his class. He was surrounded by other students and the air felt heavy.
When he arrived in front of the classroom already filled with some of his future classmates, he hesitated. He was a little bit shaken and didn’t want to make a bad impression on his first day of school.
He found a seat next to a blond haired girl who seemed to focus on the book placed on her lap. The classroom door shut as a grey haired lady entered.
“Sit down everyone.” She said coldly. “I’m your new headteacher and math teacher for the term. This year is the final one before university, it will end by your final exam. So you should focus on your work and career guidance.”
The blond girl who said nothing since the beginning finally turned to face him .
“She’s a real ray of sunshine” She whispered grinning."My name’s Stephanie but just call me Steph.”
“Paul. I’m Paul Desarmistice but just Paul’s fine.” He shook her hand when he heard a knock.
The class stayed still and the headteacher opened the door.
“Sorry Miss I’m late.”
The boy who entered had deep hazel eyes beneath his glasses and a lovely face surrounded by brown hairs. He seemed charming at the first sight but Paul felt a knock in his stomach the moment he saw him. He know him or more he knew him, he thought.
Time passed slowly, the class was quiet, it was the beginning of a really long year.
—-
Their mission of the afternoon was to show the school of the year 7 students. He chose to pair with Stephanie who wasn’t a terrible company. They led a little group of ten new pupils around the school. They visited the science classes, the cafeteria, the library, the front and back court of the giant building.
The school was an old prison built in a Victorian style. A lot of rumours were telling that sometimes we could still see the ghosts of the prisoners walking around the building.
Paul remembered during their 10th year when they tried to sneak into the school at night with his friends to communicate with those “ghosts”. Of course they failed and of course they were repaired by the guardian who chased them. Paul always laughs when he thinks of his first year here. Sometimes he felt a little spiked in his heart, everything changed so he had, like everybody.
He followed Steph who seemed really involved in the task. Once they finished they both sat on the floor in front of their class door.
“So, Paul, do you have any idea of what you’ll do after this ?”
“This ? You mean school, after the exams ?” He arched his brow and she nodded. “I don’t really have an idea. I love history but I don't know what I can do with this. What about you ?”
“My parents want me to study economy but honestly it’s definitely not my fav subject. I want to study English literature, maybe I could be an author and my first book would certainly be a Bestseller.”
They fell silent after this until the door swung open and their teacher finally told them that they could leave.
The sky was grey and the ground wet. Paul put his jacket on and walked to his bike. Finally at home, he climbed the stairs quickly to his room. He turned on the radio and took a book or whatever could help him to forget his day. But everything was restless, everytime he closed his eyes he saw this boy that he tried to forget years ago, that he thought he would never see again. But because the universe is sometimes fucked up it was necessary that he finished in he same class as him, as Ben.
Because he felt like he could explode, he threw his book across his room. The noise of foodsteps approached his door and he just wished he could be alone for one moment.
“Hey ! I don’t know who or what you're mad about but there's no need to destroy everything.” Shouted Emma.
Because of course her sister needed to feel concerned by everything he did when he just wanted to think alone.
“Ok, I’m sorry.” He muttered his apologies
She left like a storm.
He was now alone.
—-
It was dark outside when Paul finally fell asleep and this night, he dreamed.
The sun was high in the sky and everything seemed too bright. It was a typical July day. He was running to the big tree behind his grand-mother’s house. The grass was burned by the heat and only some flowers seemed to survive. He heard a voice calling his name but when he turned to find the origin he saw nothing. Nobody was there, not even a bird flying in the deep blue sky or a bee buzzing and even more not another person. Suddenly felt like his legs were made of lead and he was sinking into the ground. But someone was still calling his name but he couldn’t reach it.
He stood up breathing heavily. He passed his hand across his face and felt tears running along. It has been since he had a nightmare and the events during the day weren't helping him. He checked his clock, 4:20. He was jittery and he hoped that the rest of the night would pass slowly. A few minutes later he was already sleeping.
—-
The court was noisy, definitely more than usual. The science building was beside the boarding school. The two minutes walk to reach the class was accompanied by a cold wind and dark clouds hung in the sky. Someone was coming into his direction. With his nose pressed deep in his scarf, he didn’t recognize her directly. Of course it was Steph. He thought. She waved her hand at him.
“I thought you would never come. I was waiting for you for fifteen minutes.” She said as they entered the room.” Let's just take a seat far away from the teacher’s desk.”
He followed her as they sat in the back of the class. He gave a look around him but apparently he wasn’t there.
Miss Bernardy was their new science teacher. She was a small woman with short grey hair and rectangular glasses. Paul always fought science lessons quite boring and hers weren’t an exception.
He passed the hour listening to his new friend talking about the plot of Desperation by Stephen King. Her favourite character was Johnny Marinville, a writer who was on a cross-country motorcycle trip. He liked him too even if he never touched this book of his life but it was still more interesting than listening to an old woman yapping about atoms and molecules.
Stephany was really chatty and she could talk about anything during hours. She liked to complain too, and a lot.
“I like wearing uniforms so I don’t have to think every morning about what I should wear. But honestly blue is definitely not my color. Last year I asked the headmaster if it was possible to change to green ones. She had better things to do because she just told me to return to my class.” She sighed. “ Blue suits you well, it matches your eyes.”
Paul shrugged his shoulders and he finally heard the bell.
“I have Spanish class, and you ?” Steph asked.
“Me too.” And he knew that the next hour might pass faster than he thought.
—-
It was lunch time and Paul found his friend already sitting at a table, so he joined them.
“It’s a shame that you’re not in the same class as us.” Lucas said before swallowing his fork in his mouth.
“Yeah, we missed you, it's not the same now” Manon was looking through the cafeteria’s window.
“This isn’t funny without you guys too.” He answered.
Lucas Morvan and Manon Lescaut were his best friends since year 7. It was the first time that they were separated. Paul wasn’t really good with social interaction and not being with them made him really nervous. Hopefully he found Steph.
“Who’s in your class Paul ?” Manon asked. Her hair was tight in a ponytail in the back of her head with some bleach wicks and she had her nails painted with different colors. She used to be often reprimanded about the dress code but it didn’t stop her anyways.
“There’s Jordan, you remember the one who was practically never there.”
“How can I remember him if he never came at school”
“It’s the one pissed in his pants during his presentation about the Middle Age” Lucas said and she directly laughed.
“Poor Paul you’re definitely not lucky this year” She had tears in her eyes.
He gave her a look and let out a dry laugh.
They kept talking and complaining during the rest of the lunch.
Paul was a bit distracted because he didn’t tell them about him, and maybe it was better this way.
—-
His classes finished at four in the afternoon. He decided to go to the library and did the few exercises his Spanish teacher gave him. He sat next to the history section, it was quiet even if some students were whispering and giggling behind their notebooks. Paul passed one hand in his hair and tried to concentrate. He quickly eyed people around him. He stopped. He heard his heart beating faster, he threw his book in his bag and rushed to the exit.
He asked himself Why was he here ? Of course he was here because they’re in the same school but Paul didn’t want to see him, not now.
—-