Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

   Tyler knows everyone who is a part of his church's congregation. Everyone. Actually, he's pretty confident that he's shook hands with everyone at least once in the congression, and to him- that's an accomplishment. He's very well liked and respected in the community, not only because he was the pastors' eldest son, but because he's so involved in the community. He greeted everyone he saw, volunteered in the children's and youth's ministry often enough for it to amount to something, and volunteered in the church's food kitchen every Friday after classes to feed the homeless.

   He was utterly devoted to his faith and his family. Even in college he was always on his best behavior. Despite being nearly twenty-one years old, he's never drank, never smoked, never even kissed a girl. But he told himself he was content with that, content with God. Content with his secret vices that he kept hidden in the shadows of the night if that meant getting into an eternal paradise after death. That's all Tyler wanted truly, was some peace from his internal battles that not a single soul, besides God (and maybe Mark), knows about.

    The one time he tried to talk to someone about his problems before he met Mark was with his brother, Zack. He had told Tyler to just "work out and pray more" if Tyler was ever "feeling down". That only earned Zack a grimace from Tyler before he eventually gave up and went back to his room to sulk.

   Today was Sunday, the last one of the fall season, and the annual Thanksgiving dinner that his dad liked to put together for the less fortunate in their community - whether it was because they had no family or because they couldn't afford it. Tyler sat through three hours worth of sermons from his dad earlier that morning in church, but now came Tyler's favorite part. Actual food, eating, sitting and laughing with everyone as they told silly church stories. Tyler had a hand in preparing the food for tonight and setting up the plastic fold-up tables that were pushed together and covered in tablecloths.

   It made the church feel like home to Tyler, especially when his dad would let him perform for the church. That was when he felt the most like himself. When he was up on a stage performing for people, he felt perfectly weightless and in control of everything around him. Music was grounding to Tyler, it breathed life into him every time he touched an instrument or wrote lyrics.

   The food was set up buffet-style to make it easier for everyone to load up their plates. His attention was caught when his dad cleared his throat into the microphone on the stage, everyone else around Tyler also turned their attention towards Pastor Joseph.

"We will begin prayer here in just a moment to bless the food we're eating together tonight as a family. Hang tight everybody while the finishing touches are being completed by our lovely kitchen team."

   Pastor Josephs's voice is clear, yet sounds gentle. Tyler thinks that his dad has always been good at giving directions carefully to the community in a way that ensures the best behavior of everyone present. Pastor Joseph's voice cuts through Tyler's thought, "Speaking of which, let's give a round of applause for Susan and Rebecca for making most of the sides, Richard for the turkey, and my own son, Tyler, for some of the sides and setting up the tables."

   Tyler's eye twitches slightly at the sudden, very public recognition, feeling his ears get hot. He clapped for the other kitchen staff, but he had no choice but to look around the room and smile politely at the people around him, clapping for him too. He recognized a few faces around him, a single mother Laura and her daughter, Ruby. Mr. Ortega, a widower with kids who live too far away to bother visiting him. He noticed his friend Mark between some faces he didn't recognize. Tyler figured he decided to show up after all, probably for the free food, but Tyler doesn't blame him. Getting good, homemade meals was tough in college.

   Not so much for Tyler though since he still lived at home. His house was crowded, but it was his family, and it was cheaper than living on his own but probably worse than living with a roommate. Tyler was fortunate to have the basement to himself because he could play his instruments down there, but there weren't very many windows and it was impossibly stuffy most of the time. He was thinking about how much colder it'll be in the basement now that fall was ending before a voice cut through his thoughts once again.

"How do you do that?" It was Mark, and Tyler looked up from whatever world he had escaped to in his brain.

"What do you mean?" Tyler asked, his face twisting into a slightly confused look.

   He started chewing on the inside of his lip as he turned around and started walking towards the long table in the center of the chapel. He knew Mark would follow behind him if he wanted to get a seat next to Tyler.

"I mean disappear into your head like that as if you don't have a few hundred people looking at you?" Mark asked with genuine curiosity. He had seen Tyler perform before and how easy it was for him to get lost in the music, but getting lost in your own head during that kind of attention was something different, apparently.

"I don't know, it's like performing. How is your brain empty enough to not do that?" Tyler teased softly as he sat down, pushing the conversation away about what's going on in his head.

"It's not empty, I just don't feel the need to think so complexly all the time." Mark nudged Tyler's arm. Whether it was out of pity since Mark knew about some of his issues, or to tease him, Tyler wasn't exactly sure. But he didn't actually care because he knew Mark was just making sure he's okay, and he appreciated that quietly.

   Pastor Joseph eventually went back onto the stage to pray, and allow everyone to get food. It was always children, mothers, and women who went first, then the men got to go. Tyler really only likes the turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, mac and cheese, and rolls so that's what he filled his plate up with.

   He took his seat again, Mark to his right and Zack to his left. His youngest brother, Jay, was beside Zack. His father, mother, and sister sat across from him at the table. It was a pleasant dinner, especially having Mark around because Tyler was able to have conversations about things other than church... while at church. And he felt like the evening went faster than it came when he looked up from his plate and everyone was nearly finished too.

   Tyler's mom spent some time collecting left-overs to take home with them. Mark and his brothers helped him break down the chairs and tables. His sister, Maddie, helped with washing things in the church's kitchen. Naturally, Tyler's dad was talking to members of the congregation, praying with them or having heartfelt goodbyes. Nights like this always pulled his dad into conversations the whole time everyone else cleaned up. Tyler didn't mind, that was his dad's job, after all.

   Mark offered Tyler a ride home, and Tyler agreed. He wasn't particularly in the mood to be cramped into the car with his siblings or alone with his dad in his car. He had driven there with his dad that morning, but he figured he could run and get a Baja Blast with Mark before having to go home and sleep before classes tomorrow.

   He told his mom the plan with Mark, and she offered a gentle "Be safe", while Tyler's dad offered a rougher "Don't do anything stupid". He gave them both a quick hug before bolting with Mark to his beat up sedan. Once they get into the car, and out of the parking lot, Tyler plugs his phone onto the aux-cord, not even bothering to ask Mark.

   He liked hanging out with Mark because they could listen to whatever music they wanted to without his dad's passing judgement about it being non-secular. Without hesitation, Tyler turned on Death Cab. It was a cliché for him at this point, but he didn't care. Clearly Mark didn't either by the way his fingers started drumming on the steering wheel.

"We're going to Taco Bell, right?" Tyler asked, as if the answer would be anything else but yes. And of course it was a yes from Mark.

"I have something else to tell you," Mark started cautiously. "Do you know who Josh Dun is in your music ear training course-thing at school?"

   Tyler looked at Mark, peeling his gaze from passing lights outside the window. "Should I know who that is?" Tyler laughed gently to tease Mark. He had no idea who the hell Mark was talking about. "Who is this... Josh you speak of? Your boyfriend?"

   He brought his feet to the dashboard, leaning back further into his seat as he chuckled at his own response that Mark was clearly not appreciative of.

"No, asshole. He's someone I met in my boring ass English class," Mark said with a hint of irritation in his voice, but then smoothed it over before speaking again. "He drums, and isn't in a band right now either. I know you got scorned by Nick and Chris but I think this could be goo-"

   Tyler cut him off with a harsh hushing sound and him dramatically covering his ears. He hated thinking about the band failure with Nick and Chris, but he hated talking about it even more. "Don't! Lalalalaaaaa! Don't bring it up. Shut your mouth, please, Mark." Tyler eventually managed to mutter out, but that wasn't enough for Mark to give up completely. Eventually Tyler saw the glowing sign for Taco Bell and he smiled faintly at it, like it was going to save him from this conversation.

"Just listen, man.” Mark grumbled out of annoyance. “Josh drums, I think he's very cool, and his gig in his band fell apart because they were a sack of dicks," Mark rolled his eyes at Tyler as they pulled into the Taco Bell drive-thru. Mark quickly ordered both of them a large Baja Blast and paid for them before speaking again. "Just meet the dude, okay? I genuinely think you guys would get along."

"Yeah, sure. Whatever, Mark." Tyler muttered with passive agreement, wanting the conversation of bands to end. He was mortified and devastated when Nick and Chris each separately told Tyler that they were dropping out of the band. They hadn't even given Tyler enough time to come up with replacements so he stopped trying with the band thing and focused on solo music. That was easier than getting left again, but actually making fully put-together songs is nearly impossible. Tyler had to pick up all of the slack, and he still felt like he was always missing something, even when Nick and Chris were in the band.

   The silence between the pair was a touch awkward as Mark drove Tyler home, and all he could think about were the ways he was a failure. The way he nearly flunked out of college last semester and pissed his dad off, the way he quit basketball and lost his scholarship and had to take out student loans to finish school, the way his band had failed barely a year after it started because the other members got handed better opportunities.

   Mark left Tyler with a brief, but sincere "Just think about it man. You'll meet him and give it a try, I'm sure of it." and it made Tyler want to claw his skin off for some reason. He felt anxious just thinking about trying to start a band again. It was safer for him to do his solo performances at his church, if he was being honest with himself.

   He trudged into his house after offering Mark an annoyed, mumbled goodbye. He offered the same stiffness to his family as he shouted goodnight and took the basement steps two at a time. Tyler was going to go to sleep until his keyboard caught his eye.

   Before he could stop himself, Tyler practically floated towards it. He had a melody stuck in his head the second he hit his front door, and he wasn't sure if it was something he'd heard somewhere else before. But as he sat down and started toying with the keys, he found it eventually and played a few notes a couple of times before adding a couple of words, "Now the night is coming to an end..."

   Tyler let his hand fall down to his lap with a sigh before grumbling to himself and heading off to bed. He was sure it wasn't a song he'd heard before, and now this was going to rattle in Tyler's brain like a marble until he actually sat down and wrote the damn song now. But the night has started, and it feels hollow like it usually does, so it holds no interest to Tyler right now. Tomorrow will be a different day, Tyler silently promises himself before he shook off his jeans and climbed into bed, ending the night before it can catch up to him.

Chapter Text

   When Tyler woke up his alarm read "8:05 am", and he could feel deep in his bones that it was going to be one of those days. He's too tired, he feels too cold, and he feels empty. But there's nothing he can do to stop the day from happening. He has an hour-long piano-specialty class, and his theater arts class today. He usually really enjoyed those classes, but something about Mark's words last night didn't sit well with him. 

   Scorned, Tyler thought with a bitter taste in the back of his throat and a deep, aching pain in his chest. Tyler was desperate to play music, and was certainly hurt by his bandmates actions, but at least he still had Mark. He appreciated Mark because he agreed to still do any photo/videography for Tyler, and he was the first person Tyler ever considered to be a real friend. 

   Nick and Chris came shortly after Mark, but they didn't stick around long enough for the whole band thing to take off. They had barely even agreed on a name and played a few ‘real’ gigs before they left… if you consider an Apple store and a few random peoples' backyard with maybe thirty people there to be real gigs. Since then, it's just been the church for Tyler, the congregation, and a few random locals who cared enough when Twenty One Pilots played in their few shows. 

   Tyler swore that could be enough if he could just be completely happy with his family and his faith. That's all he could possibly need, right? That thought made Tyler's stomach churn as he eventually dragged himself out of bed and into his private, downstairs bathroom. He was grateful for not having to share a bathroom with his brothers, they are way messier than Tyler is. His shower was lack-luster, he only had enough energy to wash his body and get out, and even that was maybe a little half-assed. He knew it was gross, and maybe contradicted his previous statement about his brothers, but he simply had no energy to care. 

   He dressed in a plain black button-up and blue jeans with a pair of high-top chucks. Presentable enough he decided. It wasn't cold enough yet to need a coat, but Tyler grabbed one anyway and shoved it into his red backpack. He barely stopped in the kitchen, just grabbing a granola bar and filling his water bottle, in which he also stuck into his backpack. He hated having to carry around a lot of things in his hands, it frustrated him and Tyler preferred to fidget with his backpack strap or the hem of his shirt while he took his fifteen minute walk to school.

   Other than when it's too cold, rainy, or snowy to walk to school, he enjoyed it. It gave him time to clear his head before walking into his classes, and gave him time to decompress before walking into his house after class. It wasn't a terrible situation for Tyler. But on his walk to school today, he pulled out his phone and opened his and Mark's text thread. He thought about it for just a second before typing out a message and sending it.

Tyler: “Yo, Mark. I thought about it and I'd be willing to meet Josh. But ABSOLUTELY NO promises on keeping him for the band.”

   Tyler saw the immediate text bubbles from Mark’s end pop up and Tyler groaned internally. He just knew that Mark had been waiting for him to say yes. 

Mark: “Shweeeeet. I'll set something up. Down for 2nite? Josh has been antsy to meet u.”

   Mark’s response made Tyler groan outwardly this time. He had one question for Mark. 

Tyler: “What the freak have you been telling him about me? I don't like that he's… antsy.” 

Mark: “Hush. U'll b fine. Everything is gonna be g8!

Tyler: “Everything's gonna be gate????” Tyler couldn't help but to tease at the error.

Tyler: “But yes, text me later with the details.”

Mark: “U know what I mean, asshole. C u l8r, gonna be !!GR8!!” Mark made sure to emphasize the correction this time and it made Tyler smile. 

   Tyler could only roll his eyes as he shoved his phone back into his pocket. He hadn't realized how that short text conversation made him feel lighter, but it was fleeting. It barely made it the whole walk to school. Tyler hurried off to his piano class and sat at his unassigned-assigned piano. It was an unspoken arrangement that was generally respected between his classmates that they would sit at the same piano every class. 

   Tyler liked this class because it required little to none interaction between his peers. He enjoyed the way Professor Meany taught the class, everything was extremely calculated and predictable for Tyler, and even made him one of the best students in his class. He interacted often with his professor, but it was usually to talk about techniques or whatever Tyler was working on at home. Sometimes he'd receive recommendations from Professor Meany that helped elevate the songs Tyler was writing.

   Class was going over smoothly, exactly like Tyler had hoped. But he felt on edge, like someone was watching him or something. So when he was given the opportunity (Professor Meany giving a demonstration on his own piano) Tyler looked around the room of people around him. He didn't expect to see anything until he turned his head to the left and saw someone he hadn't… visually expected to take a class like this, looking right at him. 

   His hair was dark, presumably dyed black and cut/styled to sit in a way that was covering half of his face.Tyler knew there was a specific name for the hair style but couldn't remember what it was, but he knows he's seen it on a goth person before or something. His skin was paler than Tyler's, and he had an obnoxious lip ring in the center of his bottom lip that's snug against the curve. He turned around, facing his piano again and he swore he felt those eyes burning a hole into the back of Tyler's head, so stupidly he turned around again to look at him.

   Tyler regretted it as soon as it happened because the man locked eyes with him and offered Tyler a toothy grin that made Tyler's ears start burning red. And he wasn't sure why until it was too late to stop it, but Tyler stupidly brought his hand up and gave a small, polite wave before turning back around at the speed of light. 

   Who the hell was that, and why did he look at Tyler like he knew him. It made Tyler shiver before he remembered he waved to him. “?!!!!?!!??” Was all Tyler managed to process before he yelled at himself internally, calling himself an awkward mess. He wanted to start bashing his head in on the piano in front of him, that seemed easier than ever looking at the boy to his left again and he wasn't completely sure why. 

   The class ended, and Tyler wasted no time practically fleeing from the classroom, not bothering to spare the rather emo-looking man another glance. Tyler said a silent prayer for his soul as he walked off to his second class. He thought about what his dad would say about that dude, he'd probably say something like “That's not a very respectable look.” “He should get his image together, no one is going to hire him looking like that.” “He needs a different haircut.” 

   Tyler didn't necessarily agree with the haircut comment, it suited the guy. But it wasn't Tyler's personal choice of style. He did actually enjoy his collared button ups and his short hair gelled in the front. Even when Mark teased him about it. He wasn't also too keen on strangers, or getting to know people outside of church because it felt intimidating, he liked the predictability of the people there. It was safe, and it was all Tyler needed, he swore to himself. 

   The random guy smiling at Tyler slowly faded from his mind as his theater arts class ensued, but not before he came to the conclusion about the emo boy having a nice smile, even if his teeth were a little crooked. Tyler's ears started feeling hot at that small revelation, as he sat down in one of the chairs that formed a circle in the small classroom next to the auditorium. That’s where they went when they weren't preparing for a play, he had learned that quickly the previous school year when he showed up to the auditorium and couldn't find anyone. He was red all the way down his neck with embarrassment when he finally found the classroom and was five whole minutes late. 

   Tyler shoved the emo boy out of his head as the professor started to drone on about the history of theater, something about William Shakespeare, he guessed. He wasn't too interested in whatever the teacher was talking about at this point. He really just wanted to go home now. Something about that stranger kept forcing its way into Tyler's mind, so he decided the stranger's face was stupid. It was the only way to stop the burn in Tyler's ears spread down to his neck.

   Tyler quickly realized he was thinking about the stupid stranger he had stupidly waved at. And he thought it was even stupider that his ears and neck were burning up just thinking about his STUPID SMILE. Tyler groaned internally and whispered a prayer of forgiveness in his head repeatedly until the thoughts of the stranger actually started to fade this time. 

“God, please bless me with the mind of Christ. Help me to walk in Your righteousness, away from these sinful feelings that are not made in Your image. Please help me fix my thoughts onto You. Bless me with mercy and forgiveness. In Your holy name, Amen.”

   Tyler was about to start his prayer again until his phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out after a few seconds, giving himself some time to pull himself out of his head. It was from Mark, and that made Tyler sigh with relief. A distraction that hopefully was going to lead him to a chill time tonight. He wasn't exactly excited to meet Josh, but he figured he'd at least meet the guy. 

Mark: “Yo, Ty! Josh said he's down 2 hang 2nite. My place, around 6. Need a ride?”

Mark: “4got 2 mention, but his friend is coming too.”

   Tyler started chewing the inside of his cheek as he typed and sent a message back to Mark. 

Tyler: “You're expecting me to meet TWO new people?? But, it's good. I can take my moms car tonight.”

Tyler: “Also, idk how I've never asked this before, but why do you text like that? Kinda dumb to me.” 

Mark: “I'll c u l8r, h8r.”

   Tyler rolled his eyes at Mark's reply. Mark wasn't the type to feed into Tyler's antics most of the time unless it was either really funny or interesting to him. He was just relieved to not have family dinner tonight and hear his dad complain about everything he thought Tyler was doing wrong. Maybe he'd even tell Mark about the weird guy in his piano class while they played Mario Kart or something else that's been bothering him lately. 

   Theater Arts ended around four pm, which gave Tyler just enough time to walk home, get a little writing done for his English essay- which was due in a week, he thought to remind himself. He wanted another shower because he hated changing scenery without feeling clean, and honestly? He felt strangely dirty right now. Tyler knew he was probably going to recite his prayer from earlier in the shower again, and he swore to never look to his left in piano class ever again. 

   Tyler managed all of his chores for himself before he dressed for Mark’s. He was meeting someone new, two new people actually, so Tyler actually took his outfit into consideration. Mark said Josh was cool and he didn't wanna seem dorky as freak. He chose something safe, a Billy Joel shirt because it was something other than a button up, but not something his dad would scrutinize since his dad introduced him to Billy Joel. The shirt was mostly blue, so he went with a pair of black skinny jeans and his high-top chucks. 

   Admittedly, Tyler spent more time in front of his mirror than he'd like to admit making sure he didn't immediately come off as a loser. He wanted to genuinely give Josh a chance, but he knew it wouldn't last long if he thought Tyler was lame. But the time for him to leave eventually came and he went upstairs to find his mom to tell her he was going out, and he found her exactly where he thought he would. On the couch, watching some drama show he was sure to hear his mom talk about with her friends in the congregation the following Sunday. 

“Hey mom,” Tyler said a little louder than the tv, and his mom looked over at him. 

   That made him nervous because he hadn't thought about telling his family about potentially meeting someone for the band, so he chose to lie. He wasn't particularly interested in explaining himself to his mom right now. “I'm gonna borrow your car tonight. Mark is going to help me practice my acting techniques for theater arts, is that okay?” 

   His mothers gaze was soft, no signs of mistrust on her face, “Sure, sweetie. When will you be home? You know dad doesn't like it when you're out too late.” That made Tyler bite his tongue a little bit, he was an adult after all. 

“I should be home before ten or eleven, is that too late?” He asked with a small, pleading smile. God, he knew he was an adult, but he couldn't push it too hard since he was still living with his parents rent free. 

“That's fine, Ty. Just be safe, please.” That was all Tyler needed to hear before he gave his mom a quick ‘i love you’ before turning around to grab her keys off the kitchen counter and rushing out the front door. He got into his moms car and pulled out of the driveway before connecting his phone to the car's bluetooth and turning on his non-secular playlist that Tyler saved for moments he was alone. 

   Tyler started thinking about the music he liked, going into autopilot mode to Mark's apartment. He liked Death Cab for Cutie, The Killers, Ben Folds, and just a generally wide variety of music you couldn't get from Christian music. He had found a few Christian artists that weren't unbearable to listen to on a regular basis, but he enjoyed his secret playlists that were just for him, and usually Mark as well when they were hanging out together. 

   He hoped Josh liked the same or even similar things as him. He hoped that even if the band thing didn't work out with Josh as well that he could gain another friend. Or even two because Josh was apparently bringing a friend along. Tyler could respect that choice, he wouldn't want to be meeting himself and Mark for the first time alone either. That made Tyler laugh a little. The thought of being intimidated or something by Mark and himself felt silly, but he knew him and Mark were clearly close and he didn't want Josh to feel completely left out. 

   The drive ended sooner than Tyler had wanted, he was feeling nervous and his hands were definitely gripping the steering wheel too tightly even though they felt sweaty by the time he parked on Mark’s street. He realized he should've texted Mark and let him know that Tyler was on his way, but he forgot. So he settled for letting Mark know that he was here. He wasn't even sure if Josh was here yet or what he was getting himself into, so he sat in his car staring at his phone for Mark's reply before he got out of his car. 

Tyler: “I'm here. Just give me a second.”

Tyler: “Is Josh here yet with his friend?” 

   Mark's text eventually came through after a few seconds, but every second had Tyler sweating a line into the back of his shirt. Damn, he was really nervous. 

Mark: “Yes, he's here. His friend's name is Debby and she's nice.”

Mark: “Stop losing ur mind in the car n get in here. It'll be fine.”

   Tyler scoffed at Mark's text. That idiot knew him too well and he was already starting to regret this, but before he could decide to turn the car back on and just leave, he shoved his phone into his pocket and sighed loudly. Tyler forced himself out of his moms car and trudged his way up the stairs to Mark's apartment. 

   Just as Tyler expected, the front door was unlocked and he just walked in. He could hear music he liked playing already and voices laughing and talking over each other. Tyler came around the short corner between the front door and living-room, letting the door close behind him with a gentle push. It took less than a second for Tyler to stop in his tracks once his eyes scanned across the room and saw Josh. 

   Any chance of being relaxed tonight went out the window the second Tyler's eyes landed on that stupid lip ring in the center of Josh's bottom lip. He wanted to turn around and bolt because it was the stranger from piano class that had him repeating a prayer of forgiveness just because he found his smile attractive. The familiar burn of embarrassment crept into Tyler's ears as his breath hitched and eyes finally fell on him. 

   Tyler shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and chuckled nervously as he scanned his eyes over everyone again. It took everything in Tyler to push out air, even harder for words. 

“Hey, I- uh… I'm Tyler.” He couldn't stop the awkward half wave that happened against his will. Maybe he was destined to just awkwardly wave to Josh for eternity. 

   This was probably the one of the most unfortunate things to happen to Tyler. It wasn't the worst thing that's happened to him, but it was pretty damn bad in his opinion.