Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Hey, Randy, Sharon’s not around, wanna get freaky.” Towelie spoke with a croak in his throat, a blunt in his left hand.

“Towelie, I thought you'd never ask… So, what’dya wanna do.” He winks.

“Ever done… age play?”

A pregnant pause.

“Age play.” The man repeats.

“Yeah, It's when two people pretend they're a different age when they're not.”

“Listen Towelie, I’m not pretending to be my son’s age just to have sex with you.”

“Ew, what? Gross. I meant to say I wanted to pretend to be old man yaoi with you.”

Towelie passed the blunt, smiling as Randy took a long hit, his eyes turning redder than a blood clot.

“Y’know what. Sure. Let's do it.”

“Let's be old man Yaoi.” They say simultaneously.

Randy was quick to take all of his clothes off, deciding to twerk to get both of the adults in the mood.

“Ooh, yeah, baby, I like that.”

Randy paused.

“Towelie, I’ve already told you I’m not comfortable pretending to be a kid for you.”

“Sorry, Randy. I’ll respect your boundary.” The towel replied.

Randy nodded before twerking again, the blunt still glued to his lips.

“Hey-hey towelie,” Randy stopped to bend down to the towel’s height. “Do you wanna shotgun my next toke with me?”

Towelie nodded quickly.

Randy sucked in his next puff.

“Heck yeah, baby, I love that.”

Randy quickly countered the almost-kiss with a large cough.

“TOWELIE! STOP CALLING ME THAT, I WANT TO BE OLD MAN YAOI WITH YOU, NOT- NOT A PREDATOR!”

Towelie quickly stood up from his stool, eye-level with the kneeling man.

“What the FUCK is wrong with you Randy? It's a pet name you TOOL! Everyone calls everyone baby, it is in NO RELATION to real life kids you stupid fuck!”

“Wow, way to crash out on a good friend, I see how it is Towelie.”

“Good friend? Randy you were going to have sex with me?”

“So? I’ve got socks on.”

The towel immediately face-palms.

“Actually, I need a break. You’re hogging our last blunt and I’m going to FUCKING PISS IN YOUR MOUTH IF YOU RAGEBAIT ME AGAIN!”

“Sorry, King, I didn't mean to disrespect your boundaries. I’ll try harder next time. I love you Towelie.” Randy says will full sincerity.

“Awh, I love you too.” The towel smiles in return.

“Let's try this one more time.”

“Agreed.”

Randy sucks in another breath of weed, holding it in his mouth until he puffs directly into the towel’s mouth, or at least, Randy thinks it’s a mouth. He's too busy to ask however, as his extremely large toke turns into a full-blown makeout-sesh.

“I love being old man yaoi with you Randy.” Towelie mumbles out of breath between each kiss.

“M-me too Towelie, I was thinking of buying a zimmerframe.”

Towelie can feel himself heating up at the thought.

“Yeah, you like that old man?”

“Fuck yes.” Randy says before spitting in his mouth.

“Yeah, yeah, spit in my mouth harder, Randy. Hey, what if I call you randolph. That's an old name.”

“Hell yeah, Towelie. Oh my Gosh you're so smart.” Randy responds.

Suddenly, a large voice bellows from downstairs. “Randy? Dinners ready!”

“Coming Sharon!” Randy replies quickly.

The man gets up, immediately putting all of his clothes on and passing Towelie what was left of their blunt.

“Hey, Randy?”

“Towelie?”

“Thank you for pretending to be old with me.”

Randy stops to smile, holding onto the doorframe. Man, he loved that stupid little towel.

“Of course.”

Sharon rolled her eyes at the sight of her husband, who’s hair seemed incredibly messy, smelling of weed.

The dinner was silent, Shelley, Stan and Randy avoiding all conversation at the table.

“Well? Is nobody going to thank me for making this dinner that I worked so hard on?” Sharon started.

Stan and Shelley both looked at each ither with wide eyes, both spitting out versions of their own, “Thanks, mom”’s out inbetween bites.

Sharon sighs, frustrated.

“Okay, let's talk about the elephant in the room.”

“Actually, no I don't wanna talk about the elephant, mom.” Stan quipped.

“Me neither.” Shelley picked at her food.

“Kids, leave the table.” Their mother began.

Randy shot up, “No kids, stay. STAY!” He yells at them as if they were dogs.

The children both ignore him deciding to run to their respective rooms.

“What is it now, Sharon?”

“I want a divorce.”

“What? Why?” Randy asks in panic.

“Why? WHY? Because you keep having sex with a towel in our bed! Of course I’m going to want a divorce!”

“Wait you knew-”

“Yes!”

“-And you didn't ask to join in?”

“And I’m not a towel, bitch.” The not-towel yells from a crack in the ceiling.

“Whatever, hoe.” She replies. “I’m taking the kids and the dog.”

“What? Sharon, you can't do that!”

“Already did, and I found someone who loves me like you never will.”

“Who?”

Immediately, a slender, tall woman appears through the door.

“Liane Cartman.”

“L-liane?”

“Me and her are in love, we are peak old woman yuri!”

“Yuri? What the fuck is yuri?” Randy finally responds, a hint of disgust in his voice.

The high-pitched voice peaked through the ceiling once more, “Yuri is like Tweek and Craig if they were both women.”

“Ohh,” Randy began. “So, you're lesbians.”

“Better.” Liane added.

“We're butch.”

#butchqueens #oldmanyaoi #ate

Are you team Tandy or team Shiane?

Let me know in the comments \/