Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Osamu Dazai wanted to die. In the end Osamu Dazai was going to get draped by no one other than himself. Osamu Dazai was a curse meant to die from the very beginning. It was a well known fact, that no one ever spoke aloud but everyone somehow still knew. Everyone had accepted Dazai's fate, including himself.

And that's why, as he felt his head getting heavier and heavier and his vision was becoming more and more blurry, he didn't regret a thing. He hadn't written any letters or given any signs. Because why would he? Everyone knew this was never a matter of if but when. And when just happened to be now.

Right on this day, while the sky was filled with nothing but grey clouds and nothing particular was happening, Osamu Dazai would die.

He found himself wondering how many pills he had taken when he could feel his hands shaking but quickly decided that frankly, he didn't care. He thought about who might find him. Perhaps it'd be Chuuya. Maybe it'd be no one. Was Chuuya looking for him? Probably not. Why would he?

He did think about leaving something for Chuuya. Not a letter, more a message. Something only they'd understand. He settled for not doing anything but a trap, one last mindfucker. He cringed when he thought about the sms he'd sent him, but guesses it was worth it in the end, if only by a few extra minutes. “Goodnight, Chuuya.” It would seem normal, except they were never normal.

He threw away his phone after that. Of course he wasn't stupid enough to let some corny message ruin his plan because Chuuya decided to show up and ‘save him’ which in reality, he wouldn't be doing at all.

He could feel his own body slowing down and for a while it almost felt comforting. He let out the most genuine smile he's ever had as he felt himself dripping into unconsciousness, finally knowing that this was the end.

His final thoughts were about Odasaku. He hopes that he can forgive him, despite only doing this for selfish reasons. He hopes he'll understand why he couldn't just switch sides, and why
he had to do this. Because this was always meant to happen, written in the stars since before he was born.

He closed his eyes, feeling relieved at the thought of it being the last time.

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Chuuya knew something was wrong. He knew it from the feeling in his gut when he woke up and from the way his mind was drifting away to thoughts and memories of things that never quite happened. He knew it because of how thick the air felt, but most importantly, he knew it from the text.

Mackerel🐟
19:17
Goodnight, Chuuya.

He stared at the message for a few seconds, already knowing why everything had been feeling off. He didn't like Dazai. Actually he thought Dazai was the most infuriating fucking asshole on this entire planet. But he was still his partner. And maybe some part of him, despite being a much smaller part, had come to care. At least enough to stop him from taking his life because he believes it's morally right to the universe or some crap.

Dazai had left his location on. How stupid of him. Except Dazai doesn't just miss things no matter how careless he may seem, especially if it's something as important as this. So realistically, Dazai is just trying to lead him in the wrong direction. He's stupid to believe Chuuya doesn't know his games already, or maybe he's just too stoned to think clearly. Either way, Dazai isn't dying on a day like this. That's just how the universe works. That fucker would manage to die on the same day as the queen and somehow outshine her like the attention seeker hes always been. Not purposely, more in a pathetic starved puppy way, but an attention seeker nonetheless.

So Chuuya wasn't surprised when he found him in an old hideout on the other side of the city, drenched in his own blood and alcohol. But he was slightly surprised to the way he didn't seem to be breathing. And if Chuuya felt as if he might have actually just died right on the spot when he saw Dazai, looking more lifeless than ever before, then that's between him and the stars who destined this very moment. He wasn't expecting that. He wasn't expecting him to be dead. He never was. He was still alive, barely, holding on by a thread, but never dead. Some days, Chuuya had even been able to fix him up right there without all the hospitals and paperwork. But he was dead. So he called an ambulance, far too late to be considered a good job.

And that's how Chuuya spent the night in the hospital, for the first time genuinely worried that he might have to go on a mission without his partner.

Chapter Text

The hospital was cold. The waiting room was empty except for nurses walking by every now and then. It was around 3am, officially the second night Chuuya's spending in the hospital. Yesterday, he got the news that Dazai was alive again, somehow. However he got that information late enough to already have had several mental breakdowns over not knowing. He has called Yosano, even ended up lashing out on her once but of course he apologized for that. On the down hand, apparently Dazai was in some kind of coma due to the pills.

He doesn't even care. He shouldn't care. Not this much at least. But he does.

He does so that's why he's still here at damn 3am despite Yosano telling him to go home and sleep. He does so thats why he came by every single day, silently praying he wakes up even though he knows he'll regret it as soon as he does wake up. That's just how it is though, right? You always want what you can't have. Whether it's gold or one peaceful night in Chuuya's case, doesn't matter. Because the grass will always look greener on the other side.

"I hate you, you know that?" He didn't get an response, not like he was expecting one though, from the unconscious body laying before him. "Fuck you, actually. How do you manage to destroy my sleep schedule without even being coincious?" A sigh escaped Chuuya's mouth realizing how he must look talking to what may as well just be a corpse.

He sat down on the side of the hospital bed and watched Dazai's hair covering almost half of his face. If Dazai was awake, surely he'd fixed it by now, so Chuuya reached out and did just that before continuing their one sided staring battle.

"When you wake up, I'm going to..." His threat died off into a sigh when he realized he didn't really plan what to say. What's he going to say? That he'd kill him? That machonistic ass would probably enjoy that anyway.

He pulled a hand trough his hair while staring out the window. What had his life come to? He should get out of here. He doesn't though, which annoys him to his core because why isn't he?

He was pacing back and forth for no particular reason when the door suddenly opened. He was expecting maybe a nurse or something but couldn't be more wrong.

"Yosano? What are you doing here?"

"Well, you won't pick up the phone. I was guessing you'd be here, I'm just making sure you aren't giving all the nurses a headache."

"What's that supposed to mean?" He had stopped pacing by now and just stared at her slightly offended but knowing deep down that that was something that could very realistically happen.

"It means staying here until 2am every night and asking the doctors a bunch of questions when the visit hours were over at 5pm."

Thick silence filled the room as the two stared at eachother.

"He died, Yosano."

"I know."

Chapter Text

It had been 2 weeks since the attempt. Chuuya was sitting on a chair besides the hospital bed Dazai was laying in when a nurse came in. During these two weeks Chuuya had gotten familiar with the nurses names, and the other way around, so Chuuya knew her name was Tamo Kasido.

Dazai's state hadn't gotten better, really, but not worse either. The look on Kasidos face told him that something must've changed though, and not necessarily positive.

"Anything new?" Chuuya asked when she didn't say anything.

"His vitals are dropping. It's not fast enough for it to be dangerous yet and If we're lucky he might wake up soon, but if it does continue dropping there's a chance he won't survive even if he does."

She responded, not beating around the bush.

Suddenly the room felt tense. There's a chance he won't survive. There was never a chance he didn't survive. Sure, sometimes it was more serious than others but the worst yet was when he lost the ability to feel in his left hand. But it had never been a matter of survival.

Chuuya touched the back of Dazai's hand. He was cold, but he was naturally cold so that didn't really say much.

"Okay." Was all he managed to say. It wasn't fucking okay. It wasn't. It wasn't okay. He wishes Dazai knew it wasn't okay. He can't die thinking it's okay.

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Yosano got a call from Chuuya at around 11pm, who despite denying it was clearly worried. She knew that if she didn't pick him up he'd most likely end up lashing out on random nurses which is why the two of them are now sitting on Yosanos sofa trying to pick out a movie to watch.

Chuuya had told Yosano what they had said already, and she thought it'd be good to take his mind of it for a bit.

"Why do you only like romcons?" Chuuya groaned while Yosano suggested another movie, unlike someone who only sat there saying no to everything.

"The real question is why you DON'T like romcons."

"Because they're cheesy as fuck and they never have a good ending."

"You just don't have a good taste in movies."

After around 10 more minutes of trying to pick a movie, they finally settled on something that was apparently "a romcom but with comedy" as Chuuya had stated. Yosano argued that all romcoms had comedy but if Chuuya thought this was at lest bearable to watch then she wouldn't complain.

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Chuuya opened his eyes, slowly taking in his surroundings. After a few seconds he recognized Yosanos apartment, and the memory of yesterday came back. They must've fallen asleep while watching the movie. It was almost pitch dark, but his phone was lighting the room up enough to see Yosanos figure on the sofa and to notice the other things he knew she kept in her living room. It's not until now that he realized his phone was ringing. He immediately became more awake as he saw the hospitals number on his screen and almost woke Yosano up in the process of trying to answer the phone call.

"Hello, is this Nakahara Chuuya?"

"Yes."

Chapter Text

"Is this Nakahara Chuuya?"
"Yes." It felt like the other person on the line took minutes rather than seconds to repsond and Chuuya almost got irritated for a second before they finally said something.
"He woke up around 30 minutes ago, said to call you when I asked. His body seems to be doing better too. You can visit him whenever you can."
"Right, okay, tell him i'm on my way." It wasn't until now that Chuuya looked at the time and realized that it was around 4am in the morning but that didn't change his answear about going there. He got his jacket on and was just about to leave when he realized he'd had to wake Yosano up because he didn't have a car. Turns out he didn't have to though, as she woke up from the sound of him roaming around in the hallway.

"Chuuya? What're you doing..." She yawned out the second question.

"He woke up, I'm going to the hospital..uh...Can you drive?" Chuuya asked sheepishly but Yosano was quick to get up on her feet.

"Of course."

_______________________________

When they arrived at the hospital Chuuya barely even heard the nurse speaking to him as he checked in in the reception before headng towards Dazai's room, whereof Yosano apologised for him and quickly followed close behind.

In Dazai's hospital room were Dazai, awake for what felt like the first time in months. Yosano waited outside deciding to give them some privacy and Chuuya quickly closed the door and sat down in the chair that he'd sat in far too many times for his own liking.

They stayed quiet for awhile, both of them not sure what to say.

"You came." Dazai said, his voice hourse from not speaking in weeks.

"You didn't think I would?" Chuuya asked, genuinely a bit surprised.

"I dunno." He shrugged, like this was some kind of joke. Like he didn't try to end his life and almost succeeded. When Chuuya didn't respond Dazai saw it as a sign to continue but he regretted it as soon as he saw the look on Chuuyas face.

"Well, this is awkward." Dazai had said, dragging out the l in well.

"This isn't a joke." Chuuya was now, as expected, reminded exactly of why he always wished for Dazai to be unconscious rather than conscious. Because he is so fucking infuriating.

"You almost fucking died, you know that?"

"That was kind of the point now, wasn't it?"
"Why do you keep going this?"

Dazai for once stayed silent which only infuriated him more. He knows he shouldn't and that he should be comforting or whatever but that wasn't how he did stuff and it wasn't how they did stuff and he was just so fucking mad. After taking a deep breath he tried to be at least rationally calm when speaking again.

"I don't want you to die, Osamu. Okay? You can't just-" He let out a sigh not knowing if this would even go through to him. "Tell me instead , okay? When you feel like that. We can- fuck I don't know. We can do something. Just stop doing this, please." He was unable to hide the irritation in his voice but the worry was clear too.

Dazai just stared at him, his eyes almost welled up with tears but never enough to spill over because that's how he is."I'm sorry." For once it sounded sincere enough to be believable. "I'll try."

"Thank you." Chuuya wrapped his arms around the other and they just sat there for awhile feeling both relived and still not having processed to enough to really feel anything at all.

After a while Yosano was let in too and they all talked to each other for a bit. It felt almost like usual but he doesn't know if that was a good thing or not. By the time Yosano was going home they had somehow convinced the nurse in charge of Dazai to let Chuuya stay overnight, probably only because she'd seen Chuuya come and visit Dazai everyday waiting for any new information he could get and she didn't quite have the heart to tell him no after witnessing his misery for over 2 weeks.

They fell asleep in the same bed, not having said much but still finding comfort in each other's precense.

"Goodnight, Chuuya."

"Night, 'samu."

Chapter Text

The next day Chuuya was woken up because of all the commotion the nurses were making far too early in the morning. Hospitals probably had commotion all the time though. Looking at the window, it was still dark outside. After a minute or so he realized Dazai was already awake and the nurses were doing all kinds of stuff.

"...Something wrong?" Chuuya mumbled sitting up, still not fully awake. As soon as he heard a "no" from someone-he didn't know who-he laid back and fell asleep again because this couldn't even be counted as morning.

The next time he woke up it was around 8am. Dazai was staring out the window looking bored and didn't even seem to realize that Chuuya had woken up yet. He looked almost relaxed, way different from his usual facade. He looked beutiful, to be honest. Objectively. "Morning..." Chuuya yawned while sitting up.

"Morning." Dazai looked at him before going out of his way to annoy him as usual. They talked and played games for what-hours, and it was honestly kind of nice except for the IV limiting the way Dazai was able to move, the fact that they only had 2 phones to play on, the horrible internet connection and the occasional checkups the nurses came to do that they said were once an hour but really Chuuya is pretty sure they've just malfunctioned all the clocks to make up for the fact they come in eveyy five minutes.

"DAMN IT! I swear you're cheating!" It's simply impossible for Dazai to win EVERY DAMN ROUND. He has to be manipulating the game in some way!
"You just can't accept to loose to your owner. It's okay Chibi, dogs aren't supposed to win over their master."
"Not that shit again!" Chuuya stood up before taking a breath and calming down slightly. "I'm going to get water. Do you want something?"
"Aww, Chibiko is so nice! I want sparkly water."
"Of course you do, no food?" Chuuya asked holding back an eyeroll.
"Nope."
"Alright."

Chuuya found his way to a vending machine and put a coin in to get some snacks before heading towards the cafeteria to buy some sparkly water since apparently Dazai was too good for normal water. It was way to expensive, he'd make sure Dazai thanked him later.

When he was walking back to the room there was a few nurses going in the same direction as him but it didn't take him long to realize they were going to the same room too. A weird feeling creeped upon him and suddenly the world felt still exept for this very moment. He wasn't allowed in there, to see him. Before giving up he'd seen a glance of him, he had looked almost as pale as when he found him in the bathroom.

The next few hours were a blur and Chuuya almost thought this was worse than the first few weeks he'd spent in this place. And then it did get worse.

The same nurse who he'd been convincing to let him stay less than 24 hours ago now stood before him, telling him the very person he'd wanted to stay for was gone. Officially. He was gone. It was so sudden. Apparently it was some kind of inner bleeding that they'd missed, he didn't really hear the details though.

Thank god for Yosano, because he dosen't know what he migh've done that night if she didn't pick him up.

2 months later.

Osamus grave was grey and his name was spelled in capital letters. Ironically this is just what Chuuya knew he'd like. He was sitting on the ground like every other day since the funeral. For some reason he wasn't sad. He didn't wonder why. He knew why. Everyone knew why. It's because Osamu dazai was born to die. It was simple as that and Chuuya had been silly for thinking he could change it. Change what was carved into the stones of the very earth we live on. He was upset, at first, but not too much anymore. It was just this dullness where the whole world felt grey despite it's clear colors. Because he knew that Dazai knew this would happen and he knew that he himself was the first person to ever obeject.

Well, after all, you can't go against fate. You can not change what was written in the stars because this was decided decades before they were even born.

"Goodnight, Dazai."