Archive of Our Own ^beta

He's been told that there are variants, a different version in a different reality of the same person. It didn't come to him as a surprise because he's seen worse. He's one of them. The strange creation that no one could have thought existed but he exists as a twisted version of a human, sick and grotesque.

A killing machine, emotionless.

Ever since that man called him "Bucky", something inside him snapped like emerging from underwater after some suffocating moments.

And one after other. Same interaction until he's on top of him and punching him one after another and that cursed mouth moves and says something and he zones out, travels a billion hours back in time. And the whole glass shatters under them.

He'd prefer staying under. Maybe choking enough that his life fizzles out, a small little flame blown out by a careless breath.

But no. That's not his fate. So he does the strangest crap. He jumps after him, he saves him, he doesn't know why..but he does.

And then He goes to that one person who he knows messed with time. Scott.. or whatever his name was. He knew enough ever since the files leaked out. He has to find his variant. Maybe from his past. Someone who could tell him who he is and if it's worth living.

He had asked politely until he pressed his gun to his temple. "Take me back to 1941 ..or..along those years." He orders curtly, his voice low but sharp. His arm throbbing. He didn't wait to rest. He needs answers. Healing can wait.

"You gotta be clear man." Scott shakes his shoulders, messing with the buttons.

"Just do it.." he shuts him up and Scott raises his hands and raises his eyebrows.

"Your call man. What if you can't come back?"

"Do it." End of conversation.

Scott dresses the winter soldier up for the time travel. It was an odd scene. The soldier's eyes were unfocused, his mask muffled his words but he could see a small frown pinching his eyebrows.

"It might make you vomit so I'd get rid of the mask.."

The winter soldier just glares at him until he finally steps back and raises his thumbs up at him.
"Good luck."

The energy around them crackles, a loud humming replaces the quiet around them like a generating being cranked up, a sharp crackle and he's gone.

"Oh shit..I forgot to mention not to talk to people..."

_______________

The soldier falls on his knees, holding out his hands on the muddy ground to keep himself from falling face first. The air has changed. It smells musty and like freshly wet sand. The lights aren't white and blue but yellow soft and the colours are more muted.

He looks around and pulls off the helmet which shrinks into a small little pebble in his hand. He shoved it deep in his pocket so he won't lose it cause he has to go back.

There were loud fireworks and music, people running, couples dragging each other, giggling towards an exhibition of some sort.

"Howard stark"
Stark industries..

Something twists inside him. Guilt? He frowns and stays under hidden in the shadows.

This must be when things were normal. Howard lives and he's young. The posters show the smug expression.

"Sergeant Barnes?"

"Help my wife ..please."

He doesn't know that name. He doesn't care. He feels nothing. Eliminate Starks.
He slams his fist down hard and feels the skull crack under his metal hand, he doesn't stop. He punches again, harder until he collapses.

The soldier shakes his head and blinks furiously. What is this! Why did he hurt him? What..oh and then it hits. A mission. Kill Howard and take the  package.

He gulps, throat tight. He looks around. He doesn't know what he's here for. But he wants to find out something. Anything.

Bucky?

Bucky..he'd call him Bucky. But he doesn't know who that is. Bucky? Who's Bucky and he wishes he'd never met that man because waking up from a nightmare to another nightmare was worse.

Bucky NOOOO!
and he hears him screaming.

Fuck. It hurts. His head's pounding. Traveling like this wasn't easy. His head was spinning and he has no idea why he's here. He asked for it but why. Where the hell will he find a variant? He chokes as he tries to swallow but his mouth is dry.

He jams his Glock back in the holster around his thigh. He doesn't want unnecessary attention. He was walking quietly, still right in the shadows, because his clothes, the black tactical outfit was a misfit around here and there too many soldiers around here.

But then he sees him, piercing steel blue eyes searching for someone but it was so easy to spot him. He was tall, he was wearing his uniform and there was someone clinging to him but he was looking back, looking for someone, his smile dropping.

It's him. It's the winter soldier but younger. Much happier. He's not scarred. His eyes are soft and there is a twinkle in his eyes. He looks normal...

The soldier's heartbeat picks up, it hurts seeing a version of him that exists without all the pain and it confuses him even more. What did he do to deserve it. He's good, isn't he. He looks like a perfect picture of a good and honourable man. Serving his country, being gentle to his date? What did he do so wrong that'll lead him to this state, the ghost hiding in the shadows desperately seeking for some mercy from who, he doesn't know.

He takes off his mask and throws it aside.
Will he recognise him? Himself? No..he won't. He's twisted and scarred beyond recognition. He's not this young man anymore.

He walks slowly and a small scrawny guy bumps into him and pushes him aside. He looks back at him but the blonde gold hair were not hard to miss, his eyes widen and he glances back at the young soldier, young Bucky. The real Bucky.

He freezes when his eyes, hard steel blue eyes meet his soft gaze. And the young Bucky tilts his head before his expression hardens and he realizes that the winter soldier looks like a threat, dressed in all black, standing all stiff and quiet.

Young Bucky's eyes grow wide, eyebrows scrunching in a tight frown, confusion bleeding across his face when the soldier stared at him and before Bucky could say anything the soldier raises his finger to his lips and motions him to follow him.

He backs away slowly before turning around and waking deeper into a filthy alley, not looking back to see if he's following him because he doesn't know what to say. What to do.

He was normal. He was once a normal person. A happy person. Howard was alive, a bright young fellow. His world was spinning. What and why. Why him.

"Hey!?" Bucky calls him, his voice strong.

He's following him.

The soldier stops because he's safe, nobody would come here. It's too dark and filthy here. And he turns around to face Bucky.

Bucky's hard gaurded expression cracks and his eyes widen, mouth parting and he blinks.

"Fuck..I'm getting kicked out before I'm even getting drafted. The hell was in that goddamn drink.." he starts mumbling, his expression horrified when he glances back at the silent soldier.

Because the person is a mirror image of him. It's like staring at the mirror only the person before him looks nothing like he does. His expression is too harsh, a deep frown which looks like a permanent feature plastered to his face, his body defensive and stiff. What the actual fuck...is he hallucinating.

"Bucky?" The soldier asks.

"Hell..who the heck are you? What the fu-"

"We don't have time. I want to ask you some questions." The soldier cuts him off, impatient.

"No way! Is this one of Howard's tricks??" Bucky mumbles again, flustered and shaking his hands, motioning to the soldier's face.

"It's not. And listen before I make you listen!" No..that came out wrong and Bucky was raising his eyebrows.

"Hey listen here..hey!!!" Bucky squares up, raising his fists when the soldier took a step towards him.

The soldier tilts his head. He must be thinking he's so tough. He can easily hold him down but he just sighs. He was getting anxious.

"Bucky..are you familiar with..hydra?"

Bucky's eyes harden.

"you a spy?"

"No..well..I don't know.." he grits out. He doesn't know where he stands. Is he Bucky or winter soldier or hydra's agent?

"Why do you look like me. Is this hydra's doing??" Bucky doesn't move at all but he sees the confusion in the soldier's eyes and it's the same expression he made when he got drafted and he was torn between having to tell Steve about it and fighting a panic attack himself at that moment.

"No..it's not hydra.. it's a long story..long long..too long.."

Bucky looks around. Steve's gonna have to wait. He knows that he should probably take this man to the quarters and hand him over because something about his looks makes his insides twist with fear but his expressions reminds him of himself so he'll listen.

"Follow me.." Bucky nods towards the light. "I'm not talking here, smells like shit .." He walks over towards the road, out in the open. 

The soldier hesitates but he's tired. 

"Nobody is gonna notice you, it's too crowded out there for Howard's exhibition..uh.." Bucky trails off when he takes in the soldier's striking resemblance to himself all over again. 

The soldier nods and walks towards him, he's slightly broader, stronger and more sturdy. 

Bucky takes him to an empty little diner. It's too loud so he goes to the counter and mumbles about a private room and charms his way upstairs, the winter soldier quietly following him, looking away whenever anyone looked at him, he looks down and let's the hair curtain his face. 

Bucky lets the soldier walk in and locks the door behind him. 

The soldiers whips around at the click and snatches his gun out from the holster. 

Bucky raises his hands. 

"No harm..relax. sit and talk. Explain before I drag you to the chief.."

"I'd like to see you try." The soldier grits out and Bucky rolls his eyes. 

"Why the fuck do you look like me, spill willya??" 

"I-I..my name is Bucky.." 

It's quiet between them, the chatter and laughter from downstairs, muffled and the fireworks and cheers from the event outside whispers around them before Bucky scoffs. 

"Bullshit.."

God he's got his mouth.

"No..I'm not..please just tell me something..I need to know who I am..I mean who you are?" There's urgency in his words, he sits on a chair and looks up at Bucky who looks extremely serious, his eyes looking at him with disbelief and confusion. 

"Just pretend I'm another person. I just need to know please just ignore whatever is in your head and talk to me." The soldier begs, his eyebrows knitting together, a wild panicked look in his eyes. 

Bucky looks around, he still thinks he's dreaming or high so might as well. 

"Well..screw it. Okay fine..my name is James Buchanan Barnes. Sergeant in the 107th infantry and regiment. I'm 26.. and uhhh I enlisted.." 

Lies..he can tell when he lies, he stutters and drags his words. The soldier listens to him but he knows he's lying. 

"So I'm leaving tonight for England. I have three sisters and my ma and pa..well pa isn't here anymore And I have a best friend..Steve Rogers.." Bucky laughs and shakes his head but his whole body goes soft when he mentions his best friend. 

The soldier notices that because this is why he is here. Steve Rogers and Bucky. He's here for them or him, he's Bucky so technically for himself and Steve. He doesn't know. It confuses him. 

His heart beat quickens when anything that Bucky speaks doesn't ring a bell. His mind was blank. Nothing clicks like that one word Bucky did. 

"Stop.." the soldier rubs his temples. Nausea making his stomach churn. 

"You okay?" 

"No.."

"Want me to get you something..I don't know...a drink?"

"It doesn't work on me..nothing makes sense. Nothing. Why am I here.. I shouldn't have come..Bucky..? So what... I'm Gone anyway. How's this gonna make anything better?" The soldier rasps out, taking shaky breaths, rambling and Bucky notices the soldier's hands shake. 

"Hey...slow down.." Bucky says, he wants to place his hand on his shoulder but something tells him not to. 

"No. You don't understand. I don't know who you are then how would I ever know who I am? I'm stuck. I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere. There's...no going forward. There's no going back..and it's gonna hurt..I have failed. I have failed..I'm broke. Malfunctioning..." At this point the soldier's just rambling and his voice keeps getting more panicked. 

Bucky frowns. He has no idea what he means. 

"How's knowing me going to help you? Okay. Calm down. Hey. Listen!" Bucky calls out to the soldier who looks up, his eyes red rimmed and Bucky gulps. He looks like him when he cried in the bathroom for hours because he's going to leave Steve.

"Breathe..." Bucky slides off of his chair and crouches down infront of the soldier. "Look at me. Deep breaths." This helped Steve so it must help him. 

"You don't understand..I'm you Bucky..I'm you and I'm..not from here. I know how it sounds...but please..help me." The soldiers voice breaks in the end and he collapses on Bucky. 

Bucky almost falls backwards as the heavy weight collides into him, he places a hand on the ground and one around the soldier who was shaking violently.

"Please help me..please take this away from..I can't ..I don't. Please.." he was mumbling. He doesn't know why it's so easy to break down Infront of himself. Bucky was in shock, overwhelmed. What does he mean? He needs Steve. Steve has better words to comfort people. 

"Hey..it's going to be alright."

"No.." the soldier chokes and his hand tightens around the gun in his holster. Bucky notices and shifts his position and holds him tightly.

"None of that...none of that.." he mumbles. He's not sure what to call him. He claims it's him. But it's just bizarre. But he looks like him, nothing new in this world to be fucking honest. Maybe he's true but saying that means admitting that he's going crazy but this man is breaking down in his hands and if he doesn't agree with him he's going to do the unthinkable.

"Hey Bucky..2.0 look at me. I'm going to take your word for it..what do you wanna know. I'll help you just calm down and..give this to me.." he maintains eye contact with himself, blue into blue. He slips his fingers around the gun and takes it off of him.

"None of that okay..sit.." he leans against the wall, bringing the soldier with him. The back against the wall always comforted him. 

"I'm..well I often forget what I came for in the room...so I trace my steps..I guess that might be relatable right?" He smiles at the soldier who was staring at his hands in his lap. Both of them were sitting against the wall. 

How in the world can he tell himself that it is going to a lot more painful and horrifying than just forgetting what he came for in the room. He's going to forget who he is and nothing is more terrifying than not knowing who you are or who anyone you should know is. To wake up in the same nightmare over and over and not realize who you are and why! Why me. 

The thought of his perfectly ironed uniform creasing disappearing from his thoughts. 

"So let's do that.. Steve and I have been best friends since childhood...and we are close..hell closer than anyone we know. He's my family. He's always been there for me and I for him..since you claim to be my variant. I'm assuming I'm drunk..so might as well..I love him. I love Steve. He doesn't know. He's probably gonna call me a fag.. and leave me to die with my thoughts. I don't wanna push that on him..so yeah. Steve..he's everything to me.." Bucky smiles. His eyes are so soft, so full of love. 

The soldier listens intently, looking at him. Reading his expressions.

"But I'm leaving him.."

Bucky!!! Noooooo!!!

A voice..screaming his name..

"I'm leaving him in his fragile condition...he needs me. He keeps picking on fights.. he's gonna end up killing himself..or what if his asthma gets worse!? I can't go and I didn't want to go..fuck..enlist my ass. I didn't want to. I want to stay with him, watch over him!"

"Sometimes I think you like getting punched"

"I had him on the ropes..".

"Sure Stevie.."

"To the future..." The world's too bright, stark industries neon sign board flashed blindingly on top of the billboard.

The soldier gasps..this is where he is. This. So Steve is here. Around here somewhere. 

"But..he left me..no..something happened.." the soldier mumbles, cutting bucky's rants in the middle.

"What are you on about? Steve isn't being enlisted. You should have seen him...he hates getting rejected..what else do you wanna know besides me hating this..leaving thing.." 

"Steve Rogers... Captain..." The soldier mumbles. 

Coney island...yea I threw up..

This isn't payback is it..

Now why would I do that..

Zola...the train is here.

"Steve captain?" Bucky snorts out a laugh. The soldier frowns at him. Of course. He doesn't know. The tragedy that waits him. That's going to steal the life he deserved. They both deserved. 

"So.. Steve..you love him.." he squeezes his eyes shut fighting off waves of nausea and memories. 

"Oh..God..ever since I started protecting that dumbass from fights..we were kids back then but I loved him. Always will and always do..I think if I don't make it back..I'll sort of regret not telling him that..but I'll be dead soon, hey, I'm not going down without a fight and hell I can put up a great fight. I'll fight for him and come back for him see.. " Bucky chuckles and sighs fondly. Steve. My Steve.

"Stevie...what are you drawing.." Bucky mumbles, dragging the smoke between his teeth before blowing smoke away from steve. 

"Tattoos would look good on.." Steve smiles and traces his finger along Bucky's bare spine. It was hot and Bucky was shirtless. 

"Hmm" he hums, feeling Steve's fingers trace light imaginary tattoos across his back, from his spine to his lower back just above his hips where the waistband was snug against his skin and Bucky holds his breath. 

He thinks he hears Steve suck in a shaky breath. 

"Come back to me and I'll paint you with marks of every color.."

And he doesn't know if he means what he thinks he means or he's just drifting into his Dreamland where Steve and Bucky are openly in love. 

"Always."

"Hmm.." The soldier hums, breathless with the memories surging and twisting in his brain, flooding him with emotions he forgot existed. 

"Feeling better?" Bucky leans down slightly to look into the soldier's eyes. 

The soldier looks up at Bucky. He's smiling. Bucky is smiling so brightly. He was beautiful. He was once so happy. His heart clenches painfully. He has no idea what's going to happen to him. Life is so cruel. So fucking cruel to this poor man. So hopeful and so in love and life will grab that one person he loves and rip them apart. 

His heart rips into two. Because he didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve this.

"You'll be alright.." Bucky smiles and pats his shoulder. "So...any idea who you are..we had quiet a time together." 

"Sort...of..it's too much to catch up on.." 

"You'll get there. Got someone you love?" He looks back at the soldier and regrets asking because looking at his broken form and lifeless eyes, it probably means he's not alright. 

"No.."

It's quiet between them again. Bucky thinking of ways to make it better. And the winter soldier drowning in the memories. 

He knows enough. He knows he's Bucky. Bucky who was loved and was loved by people. He loved science and technology. He smiled and smiled a lot. He's got a family. He's happy. He has a life but even then the war tore its way between Bucky and his peace.

So it's always been like that..and he loved Steve. He loved... Captain America? His mission.. he's Bucky and he was happy. He loved, lived. Where did he go wrong. Where did he go so wrong that fate twisted and reared its ugly fangs at them and spilled all the poison in their life. 

"Bucky?"

The man stops fighting and his eyes are wide, confused, his body, his muscles they look like they gave up. Then grief, sadness..disbelief colours his eyes and he's staring at him, the soldier. 

"Pal..don't do anything..stupid.." a distant memory

The soldier didn't have time to react but something flashes before his eyes, his expression betraying nothing. He didn't like what he hears and he raises his gun to put an end to his mission.

"Who the hell is Bucky.." 

"BUCKYY!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!" 

And he hears a piercing scream before something slams into him and he falls back. The falcon.. he needs to leave. He needs answers. Pierce will have answers..

"Hey..you said you're me..why do I look like shit..? And no lover? What do you mean?" Bucky wonders, playing along with the soldier. 

The soldier snaps back into the present and looks at Bucky. Bucky noticing that his eyes are somewhat softer than before, still devastated, wild, tearful but the lines in his forehead disappear and his eyebrows aren't scrunching together. 

"I can't tell you that..I don't think..the consequences will be great..but if you..ever..in the military or war..get hurt or somehow realize that you won't be going back to Steve and this is it for you..what would you do?" The soldiers asks, his voice breaking in the middle.

Bucky was looking at him silently before he takes a deep breath and leans against the wall. 

"I think..I would tear the world apart, I would fight till the last blood drains from my body..I would pray..I don't usually but I would... I would drag myself back with one hand if I have to..I would have to kill everyone with my bare hands if that meant going back to him. I would do everything I could..everything..to make it back to him because I have a promise to keep. And you remember well..we promised. "I'm with you till the end of the line." Okay and we gotta keep that promise.." Bucky laughs. "Cause Steve's bound do to something stupid behind me.." he trails off. 

"Hmm.." 

So finish it..

Because I'm with you till the end of the line pal..

Bucky looks sideways and noticed the soldier shaking, he's looking down but he's crying, tears falling in his lap, lips trembling. 

"I remember...I remember..." He chokes and brings his knees to his chest, placing his head into his hands. Memories after memories flooding him. Broken pieces of memories, not linked but it's like putting shredded paper back together. 

Bucky was shocked but his heart was breaking. Because seeing himself in that state..in that condition meant that something really horrible happened.

He's breaking and he doesn't break infront of people. But he's scared. Because what if he's speaking the truth and it's like a premonition? He doesn't know but what if it is a sign telling him to treasure his last moments with Steve because something is going to happen. 

"I'm glad to be of help..I guess.." Bucky mutters, placing a hesitant hand on the soldier's back which was trembling under his hand. "You'll be okay yea? You got the first step right..you remembered. You traced back..one step at a time.." 

The soldier peeks at him through his fingers, wiping his tears away and looking..really looking at Bucky. His eyes are present. No longer vacant or distant. 

The soldier doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how to be grateful. The way of showing gratitude to his handlers was by killing someone they wanted, more missions more and more so he doesn't know what to say. 

He resorts to a small nod. He wants to stay. He wants to stay here and rot here. Quietly in a corner. He doesn't want to go back. 

"Hey if..I give an advice.." Bucky says, his voice quiet but a smile to it. "Now that you remember..go get yourself a Steve.. I'm sure if I exist in a universe than Steve does too. Oh and it better be Steve cause please Steve's gonna find you in that universe and rip the person apart if it ain't him.." he chuckles unaware of how the soldier's eyes are wide. 

Steve has found him in his universe. He's right. The universe has played a cruel trick on them. Ripped them apart, torn them to pieces just to throw them back together. Maybe it is meant to be. Maybe they have to fix one another. How? He doesn't know. 

"Bucky..." It feels awkward saying his name. Very very weird. "Tell Steve..whatever you want to tell him..do it. That's..my advice from the future and..do it. Hold strong...stay for Steve..I know you can." The soldier says, looking at Bucky, eyes pleading. 

"Yea..yea anything for Steve. Thank you Bucky from another universe." Bucky laughs and squeezes his shoulder and for the first time the winter soldier doesn't recoil or push the person away. He lets him because well it is him and what better person to comfort him than him. 

"No one can know.." the soldiers mumbles. He's sleepy. Exhausted beyond repair. His arm hurts. 

"Sure..not even Steve?" 

"Specially not him.." 

"Jeez. Okay..." 

"I have to go back..find Steve.."

"Haha so he does exist.." Bucky smiles again, giddy at the thought of being with him even in the other universe or timeline. Whatever. 

"Hmm...give him a hi from me and tell him to eat his veggies and stop being so picky and take his inhaler.." 

The soldier snorts and shakes his head. He has no idea the version of that Steve exists in his universe. That huge ass bulky man. Kept calling him Bucky. 

"Yea.." 

Bucky gets up and groans, brushing dirt from his uniform. 

"God..my ass hurts and I wonder what I'll do over there when sitting was enough to give me a goddamn cramp.." 

The soldier grimaces and makes a face, getting up, pushing himself up using a metal arm. 

Both of them look at each other. Bucky smiles and the soldier frowns, his arm is really really hurting him now. 

"I better go as my Steve will be looking for me or trying to sneak his name into the military..or what not. Anything stupid..you name it..he'll be there. Is your Steve just as dumb?" 

My Steve? My Steve....

"Well..he didn't run from a fight.." 

"Oh great. He's an idiot over there as well...take care of him ok.." Bucky sighs and pats his shoulder. "Now I'm gonna go and vomit the drinks out by the trash....so see ya.. hallucination...dream..whatever." he laughs and opens the door. "You leaving?" 

"In a min.." he looks at Bucky, at himself longingly. He must be so so carefree. So happy. What does it feel like to be happy, to smile so openly..does it not hurt? It must be so silent in his mind. He already misses himself. His older version. The version that'll die inspite of being saved over and over again. Is he salvageable..he doesn't know. He feels like he failed himself.

"Okay..umm. you'll be alright..it's going to be alright.." Bucky says. He doesn't know why he says that. It's the crumpled form of himself in the black outfit that makes him say that. He looks defeated, hurt, broken but he knows. As long as Steve's there, he'll be alright because regardless of everything, Steve makes him feel better. Steve always makes it better. 

The soldier doesn't say anything and Bucky closes the door, feeling sick, the drinks churning in him. Hoping to meet steve and not to another weird version of himself.

Just a dream and he retches outside the diner, carefully, avoiding his uniform and he hears a laugh, Steve's here. That asshole has timings but in the middle of throwing his insides out, he knows that he and Steve has a conversation to go through tonight. 

And he prays that his darker version finds Steve and that Steve makes him feel whole again..complete. Because right now his heart is filling up with warmth and love and a sense of belonging.

He belongs next to Steve. No matter what the timeline or universe..it'll be Steve for him. Always.