Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I am lying on my side while my trusted tattoo artist and good friend, Lydia, sits in front of me and gives me a tattoo. She has been working on it for some time now. We chatted a bit at the beginning, but at some point our conversation died down and a pleasant silence settled between us. I lost track of time a while ago and am just waiting for Lydia to finish. I've already had my three other tattoos done by her. But none of them had such a big and visible meaning as this one…
Lydia has tied her blue hair back in a ponytail and her chocolate-brown eyes are focused on her hands and the work on my shoulder.
I feel myself drifting off to sleep and tell Lydia that I need something to drink. ‘Cola?’ she asks and smiles. I nod hesitantly and she hands me a Coke provided by the tattoo studio. I sit up and take the Coke. ‘Thanks.’ Lydia smiles and disappears briefly. I can’t bring myself to look at my shoulder. Not yet. I’ll have to see the end result then. I sigh and look down at my body. It’s relatively warm in the studio, but I’m still wearing long black jeans over my sports bra. My handbag, shoes, T-shirt and jacket are next to the door of the room. I take another sip of my cola and Lydia comes back shortly afterwards. She sits down opposite me on the stool again. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ she asks, pointing to my shoulder. I shake my head: ‘It’s not your job to live with this burden.’ ‘It’s no one’s job, Seraphina,’ she whispers, gently taking my hand, which makes me flinch slightly. We sit there in silence for a few minutes. ‘Shall we continue?’ I look at Lydia, take another sip of my Coke and nod.
I lie back down on my side and look in Lydia’s direction as she continues tattooing my shoulder. We spend some time in silence and I doze off slightly until Lydia clears her throat. ‘We’re done,’ she announces, forcing a smile. ‘Do you want to take a look before I put the foil on?’ She points to the mirror and I nod. We both get up and I go to the mirror. ‘I’ll be right back.’ I nod and deliberately look at the floor.

Now is probably the right time to use one of the coping strategies…
Counting to ten isn’t that difficult.
One.
Time feels as if it has stopped.
Two.
I feel powerless. Vulnerable.
Three.
I’m only 21 and I’m living on the back burner.
Four.
I now carry my past on my shoulders. For all to see.
Five.
With each number comes a new thought.
Six.
I should breathe. Just breathe.
Seven.
Inhale.
Eight.
And exhale.
Nine.
That actually calms me down.
Ten.
Shake my head once and just open my eyes…
I can do this…

I notice Lydia coming back. ‘Well? What do you think?’ she asks, standing next to me. She puts her hand on my left shoulder, the shoulder she just tattooed. I’m still looking at the floor. Breathe in. Breathe out.
‘I haven’t looked at it yet,’ I reply with a trembling voice.
‘Should I go again?’ I shrug and look at Lydia. I force myself to smile. ‘Just call me when you’re ready. But it shouldn’t be too long without the foil.’ I nod gratefully and look back at the floor in front of the mirror.
I slowly look up from the floor and my gaze wanders slowly across the mirror until it meets my right shoulder. It is a tattoo of Medusa.
Medusa has sad but determined eyes; it looks as if she is crying. Her snake hair is wrapped around her head. I love the small details of the snakes’ skins. Her round nose and narrow yet full lips remind me of myself. The sun is shining behind her. The tattoo is black and white because I think it looks better that way than if it were in colour.
My hair, which is almost hip-length and dyed in pink, blue and purple strands, is tied back in a messy bun.
Tears come to my eyes and I break down. I crouch in front of the mirror, crying. My face pressed into my knees, which I hold tightly with my arms.
I just cry and listen to Lydia. She sits down next to me and tries to comfort me, but what she says reaches my ears only muffled and meaningless. I hear her, but I don’t understand what she’s saying.
It takes some time for my crying to subside and for me to feel ready to get up.
Lydia helps me up. ‘Thank you,’ I whisper. Silently, she puts the wound film on the new tattoo. ‘The wound film can stay on for three to five days, but you know that.’ She gives me a sad smile, which I try to return. ‘You can get dressed again then.’ I nod and pull on my black T-shirt with the name of my favourite singer, Girli, written in block letters. I sit on the floor and question everything as I put on my black trainers. Was it really the right thing to do, to wear my past for all to see?
I wipe a single tear from my cheek.
I stand up again and look once more at the tattoo, which is now covered by a third of my T-shirt. My broad shoulder offered plenty of space. I smile, even though I know what it means. It was brave of me to have it tattooed. I hate that there is a tattoo with this meaning. And that’s only because it has happened to so many people.
I put on my black fabric jacket with Kuromi on it.
My younger sister gave it to me for my birthday once. I take a deep breath and grab my handbag, which I sling over my shoulder. ‘Hi!’ the other tattoo artist from the studio greets me loudly. ‘Hi,’ I reply quietly. He disappears and I walk to the front, where Lydia is already waiting for me. I pay for the tattoo and give her ten euros as a tip. ‘That wasn’t necessary,’ she says and gives me a gentle smile. She spreads her arms. ‘May I... hug you?’ I hesitate and nod. ‘You know that I’m more than just your tattoo artist, right? We’re friends.’ Tears come to my eyes and I lay my head in the hollow between her shoulder and head. ‘We knew each other long before I started tattooing,’ she continues, ‘I’m sorry if I ever made you feel unwelcome with your... problems.’ I shake my head slightly. ‘It’s not that,’ I squeeze out between sobs. ‘You just can’t yet?’ she asks, stroking my back gently. I shrug my shoulders, even though I know that’s exactly what it is. ‘I’m here for you. Whenever you need me,’ Lydia whispers in my ear.
A few moments pass and we stand there in her studio until her colleague returns from the back. His ash-blond hair falls into his face and he blows it forward. His blue eyes fix on me for a moment before he sits down on the sofa in the entrance hall. ‘You should go to the hairdresser, Mika,’ Lydia says to her colleague. Mika looks at us and nods. ‘I know. My appointment is next Wednesday.’ I break free from Lydia’s embrace and give her a sincere smile. ‘Thank you,’ I whisper, and she gently pats my head. Mika crosses his right leg over his left. ‘Don’t forget to put cream on it!’ Lydia admonishes me, and I grin. ‘Of course not. Have a nice day, you two!’ I say goodbye to Lydia and Mika. ‘Bye, Seraphina!’ Lydia replies, and Mika just waves briefly with a smile.
I take my mobile phone out of my handbag and look at it. I have six messages from my mother. I haven’t lived with her for almost two years; I moved out shortly after my eighteenth birthday.

‘Hi. Please get in touch with me!’
What does she want from me?
‘Hello?’
Sorry, I have other things to do besides being on my mobile phone?
‘You’re so lazy! Really! I bet you’re asleep again! It’s 12 noon and normal people are at work!’
I work and go to university, she sits at home all day while my father works himself to death and takes care of my only sister, who still lives with my parents.
‘What are you up to again?!’
Well, if she knew, she’d be so angry...
‘Okay, this isn’t funny anymore! Get in touch with me!’
That was at 2 p.m., now it’s 4 p.m.
‘Are you okay? Busy?’
And now she’s sucking up? Or whatever that is?

And of course I’m not going to say anything like that to her. I cross the street when the traffic lights turn green and walk for a few minutes with my mobile phone in my hand. I raise my hand, hesitate, and call my mother. ‘Aha! So the fine lady is calling and checking in,’ she says without greeting me in any way. I take my mobile phone away from my ear and hang up without saying anything.

Maybe this is my new beginning. I should start living for myself.

Chapter Text

My mobile phone vibrated incessantly, so I finally turned it off. It’s my mother’s own fault that I hung up again.
I continue along the path and, without thinking, enter the bookshop I used to visit regularly until two years ago. The last time I was here, I was almost eighteen and still living with my parents. ‘Is that really you? Seraphina?!’ I am greeted by an elderly lady with grey hair and ice-blue eyes. ‘Hello, Elizabeth,’ I say quietly, wiping away a tear. She hasn’t changed much. ‘Come here, my dear. You haven’t been here for far too long!’ She immediately takes me in her arms. ‘Have you found a new bookshop to go to?’ she asks jokingly. I shake my head and she lets go of me. Unsure where to put my arms, I wrap them around my stomach. ‘I just lost sight of reading, I think.’
Not really, the protagonists had stories that were far too good, mostly had wonderful relationships and lives that I wanted but didn’t have. ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart. You have so much to tell me! How long has it been?!’ ‘More than two years,’ I reply and swallow. ‘But I don’t live here anymore.’ ‘Oh,’ she exclaims. ‘What brings you here then?’ ‘Lydia.’ Elisabeth wrinkles her nose: ‘The tattoo artist?’ I nod. ‘You’ve changed a lot.’ I shrug. ‘I want to start living my life for myself.’ ‘That’s important! Would you like to look around some more?’ I nod. ‘Thank you.’ She says nothing more and I browse around the shop a little. It’s not particularly big, but I love it here.

I inhale sharply; I love the smell of books. ‘I should start reading again,’ I say to myself. I stop in front of a section of the shelf with fantasy books. I sigh much too loudly because of the large selection.
‘Well? Don’t you know what you want to read?’ a person with a high-pitched voice startles me, and I squeak briefly. ‘Oh! Sorry.’ I look at the person’s face. They have pink hair that’s not quite shoulder-length. Before I dyed my hair purple, blue and pink streaks, my hair was just pink too. It took forever to dye my hair because it’s so long and voluminous.
Their chocolate-caramel-coloured eyes are sparkling, and there are little green dots scattered around their irises. They smile at me confidently. ‘Hi. I’m Lou. My pronouns are she/her.’ Their cheeks are slightly reddened, and they continue to smile at me. ‘I... I’m Seraphina, also she/her.’ My cheeks grow hot and I smile back. I don’t force myself to smile, it just happens. I let my gaze wander briefly over Lou. She is wearing a black and white checked miniskirt and a white blouse. Her black handbag has a pretty floral pattern, which is also featured on her black heels. She exudes a confidence that I could only dream of.
‘I love your jacket.’ ‘What?’ I ask, confused, and look at her. She’s only a few inches taller than me. ‘I love Kuromi, your jacket is great,’ she repeats. ‘Oh. Uhm. Thanks?’ She smiles, pulls a book off the shelf and holds it out to me. ‘It’s a kind of reinterpretation of “Beauty and the Beast”, but a little different. It’s sapphic, so it’s about two women. I love this book.’ I take it from her and read the blurb. Lou looks at me expectantly. ‘I think it’s a good way to get back into reading.’ She smiles at me. ‘Do you only read fantasy?’ she asks, and I shrug. ‘I’m open to anything for now.’ ‘Then you’d better read a guidebook by an alpha male dating coach,’ she laughs, and I join in. ‘No way, I’d die doing that!’ We laugh so hard that other customers start looking at us strangely. Lou grunts something as she laughs and looks at me. ‘Sorry!’ she continues laughing, and I shake my head, laughing. I see Elisabeth looking at us and smiling.

‘Do you read English books too?’ Lou asks once we’ve both calmed down. ‘I don’t know.’ ‘Then maybe not for now.’
Lou picks out three more books for me. One of them is still romantic fantasy and the others are romance. All of them are sapphic, one even features a non-binary character. ‘Those are my favourite kinds of books.’ ‘They sound really interesting.’ She smiles and blushes. ‘Thank you!’ She tilts her head. ‘For the books.’ ‘No problem, you’re welcome.’ Her head is still tilted and she smiles at me. ‘Can I buy you a coffee or something?’ I open my mouth and immediately close it again. My first impulse was to decline with thanks. I don’t know her at all, but she seems nice and maybe this is the beginning of a friendship or something. So I nod. ‘I’d love to.’ Lou is happy and her eyes look like they’re shining. ‘I’ll wait outside?’ I nod and go to Elisabeth at the cash register. ‘I see you’ve made the acquaintance of Louisa.’ I wrinkle my nose. ‘Lou, yes.’ ‘You two get along pretty well.’ She smiles. ‘And she’s even waiting outside for you.’ She points outside, where Lou is standing and talking energetically on the phone. She beams and puts her mobile phone back in her pocket. When her gaze meets mine, I look away.
I pay for the four books and Elisabeth gives me a bag. ‘Thank you and have a nice day!’ I say goodbye and leave the shop. ‘So? Where shall we go?’ she asks. ‘No idea, I haven’t lived here for a long time.’ ‘Then I’ll show you my favourite café! Come with me.’ I nod and we smile briefly at each other before setting off.

For a while, we simply walk through the city without exchanging a word. ‘What are you doing here if you don’t live here?’ I swallow. ‘I was at Lydia’s. We’ve been friends for a long time and she’s tattooed me before. This time, the tattoo was very meaningful to me, but it also turned out really well.’ ‘But why her?’ ‘We know each other and I can trust her.’
It’s getting windy and Lou starts to shiver. All of a sudden, it’s gotten quite cold. I hesitate, take a quiet breath in and out. ‘Would you like my jacket?’ ‘What?’ Lou looks at me, confused: ‘But then you’ll be cold.’ I shake my head and take it off. ‘It’s fine. Take it.’ She carefully takes my jacket and puts it on. ‘Thank you!’ she whispers. It feels strange without my jacket. I got this jacket from my sister when I was thirteen and she was eleven. I’ve worn it every day since then when I’m outside. Since I was thirteen, I’ve only worn long clothes outside. It feels strange to be in just a T-shirt.
‘I got it from my sister. The jacket.’ ‘So it has a lot of sentimental value for you?’ I nod and she smiles again. She smiles a lot, but this time her smile quickly disappears. ‘I haven’t seen my sister in five years. Let alone had any contact with her. I was fifteen when my parents kicked me out.’ ‘I’m sorry,’ I say, because I don’t know what else to say. We fall silent again and continue walking. Lou stops in front of a small café. ‘This is it.’ I follow her inside and we sit down at a table in the corner. I sit on the bench against the wall and can see the whole café. Lou sits down opposite me and I reach for the drinks menu. ‘By the way, this is a vegan café.’ She looks up from the menu she’s holding and looks at me. ‘I like it here. But usually on my own.’ She smiles sadly. ‘Do you want to talk about something?’ I ask. ‘Something that’s weighing on you?’ ‘I don’t know. Everyone seems to have a great life, supportive parents and families.’ We sigh at the same time. ‘I know that feeling all too well.’ ‘Were you kicked out too? From home?’ ‘For me, it’s the exact opposite. My mother manipulated me and made me dependent on her. Shortly after my eighteenth birthday, I left and she was totally disappointed.’ I shake my head briefly. “My father has a full-time job and then had to take care of me and my two sisters and run the household. And that even though my mother was and is at home all day. My sister moved out shortly after me to live with a friend when she was sixteen. We try to keep in touch as much as possible.‘ We look at each other. ’I’m sorry, I tend to overshare.‘ ’No! Keep talking! I like listening to you. You have a pleasant, soft voice!‘ I blush. ’My mother always called it shrill.” Lou snorts.

A waiter comes to our table and takes our order. I order a chocolate iced coffee with a slice of cherry chocolate cake. Lou orders a vanilla milkshake with chocolate cake. The waiter disappears again and Lou resumes the conversation. ‘Apart from the psychological abuse...?’ She doesn’t have to finish the question. ‘My mother used to hit me a lot. Once I hit her back and broke a piece of her tooth. I wasn’t proud of it, and I still am not. My parents’ house was just very toxic.’ Lou nods and the waiter returns with our order. ‘Thank you,’ Lou and I say at the same time. The waiter smiles kindly and disappears again.
‘So neither of us had a particularly healthy family environment,’ says Lou, putting a forkful of cake in her mouth. I don’t say anything else and wait to see if she tells me how her parents justified kicking her out. I take a sip of my iced coffee and put a forkful in my mouth too. ‘This is really good,’ I say and sigh contentedly.
‘Would you like to try mine?’ I hesitate, but nod. She takes my fork from my hand, sticks it into her cake and removes a piece, which is now on my fork. She hands me the fork and I put it in my mouth. ‘It’s really good! Would you like to try mine too?’ She shakes her head. “I don’t like cherries. “

We’ve just finished and the waiter comes back to us. ‘Would you like anything else?’ he asks in his deep voice and smiles. ‘That’s everything, we’d like to pay,’ Lou replies. ‘Together or separately?’ ‘I’ll pay for everything!’ Lou says immediately, before I can say anything. She pays for everything and we leave the café.
‘Do you want your money back? At least for the cake?’ I ask. ‘No way! I invited you, and that’s how it’s going to stay.’ ‘Okay... I have to get to the train now, otherwise I won’t make it home today,’ I explain. ‘Sure. Shall I walk you to the station?’ I smile and we walk to the station together.

Chapter Text

When we reach the station, I look at the display board. ‘My train is due to leave in twenty minutes.’ Lou nods and we walk to the platform where my train is due to depart. ‘When will you be home then?’ she asks. ‘The train takes about two and a half hours, so it will be just before nine o’clock. And then I still have to walk home for twenty minutes.’ I hear Lou swallow. ‘The whole way is lit, the streets are still relatively busy at that time of night, and I always carry a pocket knife in my pocket in case of an emergency.’ I demonstratively pull it out of my trouser pocket and put it straight back in. ‘You still have to take care of yourself!’ I nod. ‘I will. I don’t usually get home at this time of night either, it scares me too much.’
Even if something doesn’t necessarily happen outside in the dark, but also in daylight in places that should be safe…
‘I’m sorry you’ll be home so late because of me.’ I shake my head. ‘It’s okay, I really enjoyed spending time with you.’ We look at each other and smile. ‘Me too,’ she whispers, and then there’s an announcement on the train. My train is going to be about an hour late. I groan in frustration. ‘You must want to go home, right? I don’t want you walking home alone in the dark.’ Lou wrinkles her nose. ‘Are you trying to get rid of me?’ she laughs. ‘No, not at all! I just thought you’d rather spend your evening at home than with a stranger,’ I explain. ‘It’s fine. My flat feels very empty and cramped. Sometimes.’ ‘I see, I’m sorry.’ ‘No, it’s fine. You couldn’t have known. And I don’t think we’re strangers anymore.’ We sit down on a bench by the tracks and I look at the tracks.

‘Can I ask you something?’ I ask after a pleasant silence. ‘Sure. If I can ask you something afterwards?’ I agree and take a deep breath. ‘Your parents kicked you out... How did they justify it? I mean, you were fifteen, still a child. And I think it’s terrible that they kicked you out, but why did they think it was the right thing to do?‘ I hear Lou swallow. ’I think I can tell you... Did you notice that I only picked out books with queer characters for you?‘ ’Yes? But what does that have to do with it?‘ ’And the café was completely vegan, too.‘ ‘Yes?’ I frown, confused. ‘When I was eleven or twelve, I decided to go vegan. My parents thought it was really shitty, but they went along with it. When I was fourteen, I had my first relationship...’ Lou trembles a little. ‘May I?’ I whisper and, after she agrees, take her hand, which is resting on her leg. I gently stroke her hand with my thumb and she continues: ‘With a girl. My parents always thought she was my best friend, and when I told them at fifteen that I was a lesbian and she was my girlfriend, they kicked me out immediately. My sister was twelve at the time and is now almost of age.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that. My sister is trans. She’s my youngest, but my parents still refer to her as a boy because they don’t believe her. I mean, she’s fourteen now and has been saying she’s a girl for almost three years. It was no different for me in some ways.’ We both sigh. ‘And you wanted to ask me something?’ ‘Yes... What kind of tattoo did Lydia give you that it means so much to you?’ It takes a few moments before I’m ready to answer her. Although, not really. But I agreed that she could ask me something. And not answering would be shitty. I get up from the bench to show her. She gets up too, and I turn sideways to her and carefully roll up the sleeve of my T-shirt. Despite the foil, the tattoo is reasonably visible. Lou swallows and looks at me with pain in her eyes. ‘You... you were sexually abused?’ she whispers. I nod. ‘But I don’t want to talk about it right now.’ I pull my sleeve back down and sit down on the bench next to Lou.
We sit silently next to each other on the bench when another announcement comes through that another train will also be over an hour late. ‘Let’s see if I can even get out of here,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘I’m sorry,’ says Lou. ‘It’s not your fault, it’s fine,’ I reply, but she shakes her head: ‘I mean, I’m sorry I asked about your tattoo. It was over the line.’ ‘No, it wasn’t. I clearly communicated my boundaries and you didn’t press the issue, you just asked what my new tattoo was.’ ‘Yes, but you would have shown it to me if you wanted to, right? Without me having to ask?’ I shake my head. ‘I wouldn’t have. I’m too insecure for that. I’m sorry if I crossed your boundary. Because of the question about your parents.’ Again, we both say nothing more.

‘We’re both so broken,’ Lou says quietly after a while and sighs. “The main thing is that we’re working on it. I mean, I’ve been in therapy for almost two years, working through my childhood and adolescence. I have a part-time job and I’m studying. I passed my A-levels with a grade point average of 1.5. Things are getting better, even if they’re not good. But what does good even mean? Everyone has their own definition. When I say that I’m doing well, I mean something completely different than someone who hasn’t experienced trauma.‘ ’Are you studying philosophy?” Lou laughs, and I join in. ‘No, actually not. I’m studying literature and linguistics.’ ‘Sounds exciting, but studying would be absolutely nothing for me. I find the days at vocational school exhausting enough.’ ‘What are you doing an apprenticeship in?’ ‘It’s totally clichéd, but automotive mechatronics and everything that goes with it.’ ‘A textbook lesbian,’ I say, and we both laugh. ‘Are you queer yourself? Or just a total ally because of your sister?’ ‘I don’t know what label I would give myself, but I’m definitely not straight. I have no idea if I’m bi or lesbian. Or if I feel any romantic or sexual attraction at all.’ She nods and we smile at each other again for a while.
‘What do you do in your free time?’ Lou asks, changing the subject. ‘Free time? What’s free time?’ I say and laugh. “Joking aside, I don’t actually have that much free time. But when I do have some, I go rollerblading, do crafts or diamond painting. The latter is more when I need something to do, like therapy for my free time, basically. I just need to reduce my stress, and diamond painting helps with that. Or crafts. For example, I recently made a birthday present for my sister. The one who no longer lives with my parents. I printed out several photos of us, made a kind of wooden box and assembled eight Lego roses. I then wrapped the Lego roses in thin floral paper and sprayed them with my perfume. Then I finished a lid with a glass pane and glued it to the box. I glued the printed pictures onto paper so that it was a long strip of paper. I was then able to slide it into the box through a gap between the lid and the box. But part of it had to stick out so that it could be pulled out and tell a story.‘ I stop talking and look uncertainly at Lou, who smiles. ’That sounds really nice. You’re very talented.‘ ‘Nah, I don’t know. It’s not that good.’ ‘Don’t be so modest! You’re awesome!’ I blush and look away. ‘What do you do in your free time?’ I ask, trying to keep the conversation going. “I go swimming and to the gym. Otherwise, I like to programme in my free time. I’ve even developed a video game, which still needs some work, but is pretty good as it is. And I cosplay.‘ ’You’re so talented,” I say, and Lou blushes.
We talk about fairly trivial stuff for a while longer until my train finally arrives. We both get up from the bench and she puts her arms around me.
I like Lou, even though I’ll probably never see her again.

Chapter Text

I get on the train and find a seat. I wave briefly to Lou and turn on my mobile phone, which has been in my handbag the whole time. Nine missed calls from my mother, whom I will definitely not call back.
I go to my contacts and call my sister, who answers immediately. ‘Hello? Seraphina?! Is everything okay?!’ she asks straight away. ‘Hi, Anouk. I... I just wanted to tell you that I love you.’ Tears well up in my eyes. ‘What happened?! You’re not going to kill yourself?!’ I wipe away a tear. “No! I’m sorry. I just met Lou. She hasn’t had any contact with her sister for five years and that made me sad. I’m glad we’re in touch.‘ Even if we don’t get along too well. Now Anouk starts sobbing too. ’I love you too!‘ I look outside, where Lou is still standing and smiling at me. My gaze falls on the jacket. My jacket! ’Shit!” I exclaim. ‘What’s wrong?!’ asks Anouk, sounding confused. ‘Lou still has my jacket! I offered it to her when she was shivering.’ Just as I stand up, the train starts moving. I fall back into my seat in frustration. ‘Shit!’ ‘Then just go and get it back. Or get a new one. It’s not a big deal,’ Anouk tries to calm me down. ‘No, you don’t understand. I’m in our hometown and I don’t have her number... It’s the jacket you gave me.’ ‘I didn’t think you still wore it. Sure, it still fits you because you haven’t really grown since you were twelve... But it must look pretty worn out.’ ‘Yes... it’s totally worn out and everything... but I love this jacket.’ ‘I can buy you a new one.’ “No, I just want it back. I’m sorry,‘ I say, leaning my head against the back of the seat in front of me. ’It’s okay. I’m sure you’ll get it back somehow.” ‘I don’t know...’ I say. ‘By the way, Cara called me. She said that our mother was very upset with you,’ says Anouk. ‘She wanted to know why you were being such a jerk and hung up without saying anything. Cara thought it was very funny and wanted to call you about it too.’ I snort. ‘Let our mother think about that.’ ‘To be honest, I don’t understand why you live only two hours away from her by train and still have contact with her.’ I can see her shaking her head in my mind’s eye. ‘Because of Cara. I want to be there for her as quickly as possible whenever she needs me,’ I explain, ‘But I’ve already told you that several times.’ ‘All right. But I have to go now, we’re having a film night tonight.’ ‘Have fun! I love you, Anouk.’ ‘I love you too, Seraphina.’ I know that things aren’t going well between us and our communication, especially at the moment, but it’ll work out somehow.

I turn on my Bluetooth headphones and connect them to my mobile phone. I relax and listen to music for the two-and-a-half-hour train journey, looking out of the window. The landscape passes by and it gets darker and darker.
Shortly after ten o’clock, the train stops at the station where I have to get off. Sighing, I get off and walk briskly towards home. I turn off my headphones and hang them around my neck.
My mobile phone, which I’m holding in my hand, vibrates briefly. My mother is calling again and I reject the call without hesitation.

I hurry home and sure enough, the streets are still very busy. When I arrive at my three-room flat and hang my handbags on the coat rack, I go to the bathroom and put on my pink pyjamas with a hedgehog and little hearts on them. ‘I’m hungry,’ I say to myself. Luckily, I live alone and can make food whenever I want. I go to the kitchen and see what I have left. ‘Then it’ll be pasta with tomato sauce.’ I put my headphones back on and listen to music, singing along quietly and off-key.
Music calms me down and helps me cope with everyday life. I cook a packet of pasta and quickly mix some tomato purée and herbs together to make a sauce. When everything is cooked, I fill a plate and sit down on my bed in my bedroom. I take off my headphones and put them next to my mobile phone on my bedside table. I turn on the television and put on my favourite Disney film, ‘Mulan’. Unfortunately, I have to get up again at nine o’clock tomorrow morning.
I eat my dinner and watch the film.

When I have finished eating, I pause the film and take my plate to the kitchen. Just as I turn on the water to quickly wash my dishes, there is a loud knock at the door. It is eleven o’clock... Who could be coming at this hour?!
I go to the door and hear loud sobbing. I open the door a crack and see sky-blue eyes. I open the door completely and take Cara in my arms. ‘Come in!’ I whisper. She follows me into my bedroom and we sit down on my bed. Her light brown hair falls in waves down her back, now almost hip-length. I reach for her hand and stroke it gently. She lays her head on my left shoulder.
‘How did you get here? What happened?’ Cara sobs and I give her a tissue. ‘Ma hit me,’ Cara cries, ‘She says she doesn’t have a third girl and that I’ll always be a boy or a man.’ My eyes widen. ‘And I wasn’t there...’ ‘You always protected me, but this time you couldn’t. It’s not your fault!’ ‘If I had answered the phone...’ I try again and hug Cara, who shakes her head. ‘It’s not your fault, it would have happened anyway. Ma pulled out a bunch of my hair when I stormed out the door.’ ‘Does she know where you are?’ I ask, swallowing hard. She shakes her head again. ‘She’s probably looking for me.’ ‘And how did you get here?’ You couldn’t have taken the train... or am I just not paying attention? ‘By bus. It was torture.’

I feel that my pyjama top is now soaked through at the shoulder. I break the embrace and give Cara one of my hoodies and a pair of jogging bottoms. Both are much too big for her. ‘Thank you,’ she whispers and quickly changes. We snuggle up together in my bed. ‘Can I watch the film with you?’ she asks, sobbing, and points to the television. I say nothing and simply restart the film. It doesn’t take long before I hear Cara’s steady breathing, a sign that she’s asleep. I turn off the television and turn around.
She has to get away from our parents; she can’t stay with them. But I’m a student with far too little free time and little money. But it would be enough for both of us, just as my small flat would be enough for both of us.
It’s probably the stupidest decision I’ve ever made, but I’m going to get custody of Cara. She’s my sister and I’ll always be there for her! I can do this, even if it will be a challenge for me.
‘We can do this together,’ I whisper, giving Cara a gentle kiss on the cheek.

Cara tosses and turns all night and wakes me up several times, so I finally go to my other room and curl up on the armchair. I put my mobile phone in my large bookcase, which hardly has any books in it yet, because I want to be able to hear my alarm clock tomorrow morning. This room is my recreation room, which has an armchair, a large desk, a small sofa and a large bookcase, and a kind of hanging chair suspended from the ceiling. It doesn’t take long before I finally fall asleep again.