Chapter Text
“Suck my dick,” Zoey joked back, although she knew she wasn’t really joking.
“You don’t have one babe,” Mira responded while rolling her eyes, used to the quips Zoey throws out.
Zoey knew this was true but it still made something inside her hurt, she planted a smile on her face and gave a laugh, even if it was only half-hearted, before turning to walk to her room.
Before Zoey turned, Rumi caught a shift on her girlfriend’s face.
Back in her room, Zoey looked at herself in the mirror, she felt ok but there was something about the comment Mira made that stuck with her. She grabbed a pair of socks and rolled them up. She shoved them down the front of her pants. Looking back in the mirror, she noticed the slight bulge.
Her breath caught in her throat, she actually liked how it looked. She had never really thought about it before, she was fine with how she looked.
But seeing that bulge…
She flattened her chest with her hands…
Her heart skipped a beat, why did she— She waved it off, she didn’t had a problem with how she looked before but this felt… familiar. She shook her head and flopped down on her bed, she pulled out the socks and tossed them in her laundry basket.
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Rumi was worried, her patterns glowing a subtle blue, there was something going on with Zoey. She could tell their maknae was trying to keep her normal bubbly personality, but there was something off behind her eyes. The light she usually carried there had been a lot dimmer these past couple months.
She knocked on Mira’s door, “Hey, can we talk for a minute?”
Mira opened her door, looking like she was just about to head to bed. Her round glasses sitting low in her nose, tank top hung off one shoulder and her sleep shorts showing off her legs.
“Yeah, what do you need love?” Mira drawled, sleepily, as she stepped back to let Rumi in.
She worried at her lip, unsure of how to start.
“What’s up?” the red-haired woman asked.
“I’m worried about Zoey, she hasn’t been herself lately.”
Mira hummed in agreement. It was true, lately she had been wearing more hoodie and sweatpants at home and on their patrols, even thought it was late Spring. Their normally cuddly girlfriend had been spending more time by herself and even when she was with them, there were times she was in a different universe. Of course they still had some good days together, but she had just seemed distracted more than normal. They were getting ready to come back after their hiatus and Zoey was looking more tired than ever.
“I think we need to talk to her. She’s one to hide herself to make things easier on everyone. She’s going to deny it at first but as long as we show her we’re here for her, she’ll open up,” Mira finally responded.
“Ok, thank you, I just wanted to make sure was ok, but I wasn’t sure if I was crazy or not. She always says she’s fine, but it just feels like she hasn’t been lately.”
“We’ll talk with her over breakfast in the morning, once she wakes up.”
Rumi nods and they continue to discuss how to bring this up with their girlfriend.
—————-—————————————————-
Zoey’s eyes clung to sleep but her stomach clung to hunger as the smell of bulgogi settled in her nose. She hadn’t eaten dinner and her stomach grumbled angrily. He loved her aegideul but they didn’t feel like getting up. The bed was warm and comfortable and he would be perfectly content letting the bed swallow them.
He?
Them?
It felt nice, why did she make her skin crawl? Zoey’s mind played the same questions it had for the past couple months. They had doomed scrolled social media looking for answers. They knew the answer, he had said it to himself over and over. So why could they not tell his aegideul how he was feeling? They knew their girlfriends would be supportive of him and do whatever they could to help him. They groaned as the food became more tempting than the bed. He threw on a hoodie and some basketball shorts and padded towards the smell.
Mira was plating the food while Rumi was sitting in her chair at the kitchen counter. She sat in her chair next to the purple-haired woman and placed a light kiss on her bare shoulder.
“Good morning lovelies,” she said to both of them.
“Well hello there sleepy head,” Mira responded while passing her and Rumi a plate each.
Rumi was stiff while take the plate from the red-head, her patterns lighting up blue, and she swears they had a whole conversation with their eyes in the moment. Mira sat on the other side of Rumi and they quietly started eating breakfast. Zoey felt the tension but wasn’t sure if it was because of her or because of whatever was going on between those two.
“How did you guys sleep?” She asked in an attempt to break the quiet.
Rumi looked down and Mira stopped chewing for a second before setting her chopsticks down. This definitely wasn’t helping the tension she was feeling.
Mira pushed her glasses up her nose while she took a breath and sighed, “Zo, we need to talk with you, you haven’t been yourself lately.”
“What do you mean?” Her voice a little higher than normal, a practiced smile planted in her face, “I’m myself, nothings changed.”
Rumi glanced at Mira again, “We know something is going on with you Zoey,” Rumi started softly, “the past couple months you’ve been more distracted than usual. You’ve been wearing the same few hoodies over and over, don’t say it’s because they’re comfortable because I’ve seen you sweating buckets in them. You’re not wearing your usual clothes, things that you used to wear all the time. I’m-We’re just worried about you.”
Zoey tries to sound more convincing with an bigger smile on her face, even with the storm raging in her head, “Guys I promise I’m-“
“Don’t say you’re fine, you’ve lost your light Zoey,” Mira growled, edge sharp with worry a lot harsher than she meant it to be. Zoey flinched at the edge, placing her chopsticks down now.
“Zo, I’m sor-“
“No you’re right, I haven’t been ok and I haven’t been brave enough to talk about it. I’ve wanted to talk with you guys about it for a few weeks now but I didn’t know how.”
Her girlfriends looked at her, ready to hear what she had to say. Zoey stood up and walked to the couch, this was going to be a long conversation, might as well get comfortable. The other two followed, completely forgetting about the barely touched breakfast.
Zoey drew in a deep breath and closed her eyes, trying to calm the nervousness that was crawling up her spine. Her girlfriend’s sitting on either side of her, each taking one of her hands.
“This is going to be a lot, please just let me get it all out before I lose my nerve and then we can talk, ok?” She opened her eyes to see them give her a nod and all of their focus.
“I don’t think I’m girl,” the truth finally stated, plain and clear, “I just haven’t been feeling like one lately.
“I don’t know what triggered it but one day a couple months ago, I was messing around and I shoved some socks down the front of my shorts and I liked the way it looked. I liked the way it felt against me. After that, I tried flattening out my chest to see how that would feel too. I almost cried the first time I saw myself like that,” she took a deep breath to keep herself from crying.
“I ended up going down a rabbit hole and found that what I was feeling was called euphoria, specifically gender euphoria. This led me down another rabbit hole of being trans. But everything that I was seeing was talking about gender dysphoria and that’s how they knew they were trans. But I hadn’t felt like that before, like I didn’t hate the way I looked growing up but in that moment when I had those socks and I had that flat chest, something inside of me just felt so happy. It was like I unlocked a new part of myself.
“But after having this realization, I started noticing things about my body that I didn’t like as much as I thought I had before. Like my voice, on one hand I love it because I get to make amazing songs and music with you guys but on the other, I’ve been hating how high it is. Or my hips, I don’t like how curvy they are. Or how small I am. Or just little things like that.
“I kept going down more rabbit holes and found out about packers, binders, taping, and different things to help with the dysphoria. I ended up ordering a couple of things to see how I would feel about them. I’ve been wearing the binder a lot lately, even walking around my room in just some boxers and tape and it felt so freeing to be walking around basically shirtless but not have them out. And I’ve been packing a lot around the penthouse. Mostly in my room to see how it feels and to see how I feel with it, but occasionally I would keep it on while we were having movie nights or when we had dinner or this sort of thing. I always had one of my big hoodies on so you guys wouldn’t notice but it was enough for me to know.
“And lately, I’ve been experimenting with different pronouns for myself. Like calling myself he or they or things like that. But not she, and I having been feeling more confident in myself when I say those things. I’ve been looking into HRT as well to see what the side effects of testosterone would be and how that could affect me. I was liking a lot of the changes I was seeing but there were some that I was worried about. Like I was loving the idea of a deeper voice, more masculine features, and muscle growth. I would want to build a more masculine physique because I am so small, part of me wishes I could grow bigger, but in reality I know I can’t. I’m stuck being this small but I can at least change the way my body looks in that way, if I chose to do that. But there were side effects that I really didn’t like. A lot of people were talking about it being like having to go through puberty all over again. I don’t want to have to deal with the acne again, I had it so bad as a teenager. And then I’m worried about the increase in anger that they were talking about. I don’t get angry like that and I don’t want that to change. But then I keep thinking, what if these are just small changes that I would have to endure temporarily to truly become myself and be comfortable in myself. And I just keep going back and forth in my head on what might be the best thing and just don’t know.”
Zoey’s heart was threatening to beat out of her chest, her speech getting faster, her eyes staring ahead but not seeing anything, scared to admit that she didn’t have it all figured out. She was planning on talking with her aegideul once she had it figured out, she wanted to have the answers for them, “And lastly, I know I don’t feel like a girl, I know that’s not what I identify with. But I don’t know where or what I identify with. I keep coming back to non-binary, trans-masc, or a trans man and I don’t know which one feels right, I just know it’s not girl. Like I know I don’t like being perceived as a girl but I don’t know if I want to fully be a guy. Like do I just want to look like one but use they/them pronouns. I just don’t know what fits but I know what doesn’t fit and I’m just lost in it. It’s just confusing and I’m sorry,” small tears rolled down her cheeks, feeling the weight of the confession lift off their shoulders.
But panic soon set in her chest, “And I’m sorry, I know that this is a lot to be handed and I didn’t mean to dump all of this on you. I know you guys didn’t sign up for this when we first started dating. And I’m just sorry, I know this is a lot. I’m just sor-“
Warm lips on their cheek stopped her apology and quieted the panic for a moment.
Mira pulled away from Zoey’s cheek after the small kiss and turned to Rumi with a smile, “I think our boyfriend needs some help.”
Rumi smiled back and nodded in agreement, patterns steadily becoming iridescent with happiness.
Boyfriend, a simple word that made Zoey’s heart skip a beat and his face flushed red.
Mira turned back to them, “Was that ok? Did you like me calling you that?”
All Zoey could do was nod, face still flushed red, a small sound escaping his lips.
Rumi giggled and then placed a kiss on Zoey’s forehead, “I think you broke our boyfriend.”
Another small squeak from Zoey before Mira started again, “So what kind of pronouns did you want to use?”
“Umm, lately I’ve been using they/them and he/him pronouns but I’m still experimenting on which one feels better, but I have learned that I like more masculine terms, like boyfriend,” referencing the term that was used earlier, face reddening even further.
“Well then we’ll use both for now and if you feel more comfortable with one or the other later, we can always change it. How does that sound wangjanim?” Rumi asked him.
His heart skipped a beat at the nickname and their face felt a lot hotter than it had before. They just nodded at her question.
It was Mira who spoke next, “I have a few questions but two that I really want to ask. First, have you considered a new name yet or is that something you’re still exploring? And next, is this why you haven’t been comfortable with us ‘touching’ you and being intimate lately?”
Zoey chewed on his lips while he thought of the words for his answer. After a moment, he drew in a breath, “As far as the name goes, I’m still exploring but instead of Zoey could you call me Zo? I might want to change it later, I don’t know to what but I know for now Zoey is too feminine for me.”
Another deep breath from him and he closed his eyes for a moment, “And yes, I think that’s why I’ve been so uncomfortable with intimacy lately. After feeling like I wasn’t a girl, it was really hard to accept pleasure in that way. It felt awkward for me knowing that I wanted to receive pleasure in a different way but not having the anatomy for that. So yes, that’s why I haven’t really let you guys touch me lately.”
They stood up, chewing on their lip and paced back and forth in front of his girlfriends. He wanted to continue this conversation but couldn’t sit still anymore. Mira draped her arm over the back of the couch and Rumi tucked her legs underneath herself.
“How are you feeling after saying all of this?” Rumi asked, watching him pace.
“I was scared at first, but I feel better now. I wasn’t scared to tell you guys because I knew you would support me but I think I was scared to admit it out loud to the two people I love the most, who mean the most to me. Thank you for giving me this space to talk about this.”
“I know you said you were worried about taking testosterone, would you like to meet with a doctor and talk about different options to see if there is a prescription that would work for you?” Mira asked.
Zo nodded, “Yeah, I would like that. I want to see changes but I’m still worried and I think talking with someone will help.” He hesitated for a moment before speaking again, “I think another thing that scares me is not being a woman anymore. Like I don’t feel comfortable as one, but I was so proud of being a woman and be in this community of women. And I’m scared of losing that if I were to take testosterone and transition.”
Neither of them had an answer for that but the three of them continued talking and asking questions. The girls asked Zo how he wanted to handle this with fans. He wasn’t sure yet, they were worried about losing fans but they also wanted the fans to love him as his authentic self. Ultimately, it was decided that they would handle the fans later and today was going to be focused on Zo.
Mira made a couple calls and was able to get them a clothes fitting so they can help him pick out a new wardrobe. Rumi found a local queer barber and made the call to set the appointment so Zo could get a haircut he liked.
While they were making their calls, Zo wandered back into their room to get changed for their day together. He taped his chest and put on his packer. Next, they threw on a hoodie and some jeans. To top the outfit off, he tucked his hair into a beanie. He looked in the mirror, surprised for once that they didn’t immediately want to look away. He wandered out into the living room and waited for their aegideul to finish getting ready.
———————————————————————
Their first stop was the barber shop. Rumi had done some research on the best hairstyles for him and gave him some options to choose from. They found one that that he really liked and presented some reference photos to the barber. When she finished cutting and styling their hair, she turned the chair around, letting him see the cut for the first time. The drop fade opened up his face, which allowed for the quiff to square out the top of his head. His eyes lit up and his heart skipped a beat. They turned to their girlfriends, looking for approval, only to see both of their jaws on the floor and Rumi’s patterns flashing between iridescent and light pink. He turned to the barber to pay but she said it was already taken care of, while glancing over to Rumi, who just smiled at them.
Back in the car, his girlfriends crowded on each side of Zo, whispering affirmations in their ear about how handsome he was and how sexy the haircut looked on them. They left kisses on his ears and neck between compliments. By the time they pulled up to the clothing store, his face was flushed red and his mind was nothing but a blue screen.
Mira pulled on his hand to get him out of the car, “Come on handsome, I can’t wait to dress you up.”
Of course she was excited about this, or as excited as she was willing to show, she always loved fashion and knew exactly where to go for new outfits. When the three of them walked through the doors, they were met with a tailor, who apparently had been waiting for them. He was only slightly taller than him, a small goatee and mustache present on his face. Zo was whisked away by the tailor and his team. Their girls stayed behind to browse the racks for outfits that might look good on him. The tailor took his measurements and even asked Zo about packing to make sure his pants would fit how they wanted them to.
Before long, Mira was shoving him into a dressing room with Rumi right behind her. She explained the vision she had and what shirts were paired with which pants, which accessories went where. By the time she finished, their head was spinning, but he was happy to have their aegideul here supporting him. He shut the door to the room and started to get changed. He went through a couple outfits that didn’t feel quite right. He slid on the next pair of pants, which were paired with a cropped dark button up, a leather jacket, and some chunky boots. He faced the mirror and for the first time in a while they recognized the reflection there.
They stepped out of the dressing room so his girlfriends could see them. Mira was instantly on them, making small adjustments to the outfit. She pulled the pants down so they sat on his hips instead of his waist, muttering something about it hiding his curves better. Rumi stayed back and just stared like she was about to eat him for dinner, patterns alternating between light and dark pink. Mira called the tailor over to discuss different alterations to the outfit so it could fit him better. This process was continued and repeated over the next couple hours. Zo trying on outfits, Mira and the tailor making adjustments and discussing alterations, and Rumi looking more impressed with each outfit he tried on.
Towards the end, he tried a knit polo with some nice pants and some sneakers. Mira accessorized it with a nice watch, a couple rings, and a simple necklace. Luckily this outfit fit pretty well and didn’t require any alterations.
“Do you think it would be ok if I kept this one on?” he asked Mira, not wanting the euphoria to leave him.
She leaned over and kissed his cheek, “Of course handsome, it’s nice to see you find your light again. And I’m happy you were comfortable with coming here and finding some clothes that made you feel good. When you said you wanted a new wardrobe I knew he was the one to come to.”
“What do you mean?” Zo furrowed his brows. Mira gave a small smile and raised her brows.
“Wait, is he?”
“Yes, he’s trans, and I knew he would be able to help you find exactly what you needed.”
Zo smiled and gave Mira’s hand a squeeze. He grabbed his original outfit and shoved it in a bag they gave him. They all walked up to the counter together and he went to pay for the clothes he was getting. Mira stopped them and shook her head, “It’s already been taken care of, anything for my man.”
They bushed a deep red and the three of them walked out to the car, a couple bags in tow. Luckily there were a few outfits that fit them well enough that he could take them home today, but some of the outfits that needed alterations would be ready a couple days from now. Back in the car, Zo turned to Rumi, who had been staring at them for at least the past hour, patterns continuing to flash between light and dark pink, “You ok over there, jagiya?”
She shook her head, as if she was coming out of a trance, her patterns flushed dark pink with embarrassment, and she looked away. Zo chuckled at how cute she was being.
The rest of the ride home with filled with laughter and jokes, everyone feeling a lot lighter after today.
Mira cracked a joke as they pulled up to their building.
“Suck my dick,” Zo responded with a laugh and a smile.
“Gladly,” Mira smirked, causing him to glitch.