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Chapter Text

Darcy hummed to herself as she prepared herself an omelette for breakfast, it had been a long night for the freshly minted person in charge of the P.R. for the Avengers. There had been a fight a week ago, it was another Doom attack and instead of the Fantastic Four being able to get the job done themselves, the Avengers had been called in. It was starting to get a little embarrassing, granted Darcy knew next to nothing about Doom and his policies but she did guess that he maybe had a crush on Sue Storm and on some level wanted to impress her.

Glancing up from the sizzling pan, she noticed as some of the rest of the Avengers walked in. She could see Jane was pretty much dragged in by Thor who for some wild reason didn't believe that she could start a full day of Science! without a proper and nutritious meal filling her stomach. Foolish man! Grabbing out a small knife she slid the omelette onto some extra plates and taking a plate herself, she sat at the island counter. Bypassing the coffee (which was something that had taken her entirely too much effort to break) she filled a glass with orange juice and took a deep drink closing her eyes to savour the sweet taste filling her taste buds.

Checking her phone, Darcy scowled as she noticed she had missed an important phone call. Well Darcy assumed it was important – it was from her childhood best friend. Dialling 121 she lifted the phone to her ear, eating her cooling omelette as she listed to her friends slurred voice.

The other Avengers all noticed when Darcy dropped her fork back down, as she continued to listen to the message. Darcy’s shoulders began to shake with barely repressed mirth, tears beginning to gather in her eyes, she was pretty sure that her face was beginning to turn red from losing her breath due to her laughing fit.

Hanging up the phone, Darcy placed it down, while holding her breath trying to regain her composure – it didn’t work her face just turned blue as she struggled to find her sense of dignity. Not looking at anyone, because she somehow knew that if she did, she would fall to pieces laughing.

Getting up to wash her plate off Darcy continued to shake her head while still giggling. Abruptly realising that she hadn’t looked up in a while, Darcy looked only to meet a concerned Jane’s gaze. “So what was that all about?”

“You remember my friend Felicity Smoak right? That was her, she was phenomenally drunk, I don’t think I’ve heard her that drunk since college actually. Something must have really spooked her. If what she was telling me was the truth, then she lives in a really messed up city. I mean, I knew that where she lived was messed up, I didn’t quite understand why she wouldn’t just leave but damn is that a messed up life.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa slow down and explain.” Jane died to make her friend begin to make a lick of sense.

“Well, I told you she lives in Starling City didn’t I? She must have seen me acting as this lot P.R. person or something, because I think she informed that she lives in an even more crazy way. She knows at least three assassins by name, one by title. And she has tangled with some group called the League of Assassins. Oh and she works with a rich playboy, who fires arrows into people, a lady with a bo staff and a soldier. Oh and a man that that has the potential to – and in Felicity’s words – fuck shit up – if he gets mad. Oh and something about the hot rich guy not ponying up with the red wine, which probably shouldn’t be connected” Darcy laughed, looking for all the world completely confused.

“That is a lot of information to receive in thirty seconds” Bruce pinched his nose

“Yeah, well again I think she was drunk when she was trying to tell me, so I was mostly having to decipher what she was saying” Darcy attempted to explain.

Further down the table Clint and Natasha shared a worried look, they had heard whispers about a new vigilante operating within Starling City. The only reason they hadn’t looked even further into this vigilante was the fact that Starling City fell squarely into A.R.G.U.S’ very own back garden. Fury might have been very annoyed but he really didn’t want to tangle with Amanda Waller, that lady was sneaky and she took being underhanded to a whole new level.

A few hours later and the work in the lab had quietened down a little, the scientists were all staying in their individual corners. Tony was working on yet MORE upgrades to his suits. Privately Darcy wasn’t sure how much more the individual suits could take, but Darcy would remind herself that she had a degree in Political Science not the whole engineering shebang that Tony held.

Darcy pulled out her phone checking the time and decided to put a call through to a Starling City. Scrolling through her contacts she found Felicity Smoak’s number and hit dial lifting the phone to her ear. The other end rang three times before it was answered.
“Hello, Felicity Smoak’s phone this is John Diggle speaking” she heard a mans deep voice greeting her from hundreds of miles away,
“Hello Mr Diggle, this is Felicity’s friend Darcy Lewis calling. Is everything okay? It's just that I got a really weird voicemail from her earlier.”
“Darcy Lewis? The P.R person for the Avengers? Yes, everything's fine, Felicity was drunk last night. Do you know what she said in her message to you?”
“Yes, that's me? She said that she knew three assassins, an extraordinarily strange team, including a man with a fixation on medieval weaponry, a lady with a staff, an soldier and a man with anger management problems.”

The silence was beginning to get to Darcy who “Hello are you there? Did we get cut off?”
“No, no, I'm still here. Look I really don't know how to explain all of this, can I have Felicity ring you back when she feels better?”
“Yeah, no, that's fine. Just let her know I was asking for her” Darcy spoke before muttering “Does she live in either a comic book or a CW TV show or something?”

Chapter Text

“OH MY EINSTEIN DARCY LEWIS, THIS IS ALL MY FAULT ISN’T IT?” Jane shrieked as she fell to the ground as soon as she stepped from the vehicle.  Darcy watched with some amusement as her boss hugged the ground to her chest.

“Oi, Astrophysicist!  The stars are up there, you aren’t a geologist are you?  You certainly look like you’re getting familiar with the ground there, should I give you a moment?” Darcy tossed over her shoulder as she locked the beautiful American muscle car behind her.  She had been well aware that she looked like a cross between a murdered and a complete Supernatural fan, but the 1967 Ford Chevy Impala had just called out to her.

Jane jumped up and began to chase after her young intern as she walked just past the large bronze/gold, just mostly deep black coloured statue.  She had remembered that Darcy has told her the statue depicted Kamehameha, the King of Hawaii who founded the Kingdom of Hawaii.  Darcy had told her some more of the history behind the statue, but Jane’s head had been in the stars, as Darcy was so keen to remind her when Jane forgot to behave like a normal human being.

Darcy was walking through the large double doors before Jane caught up with her.  As soon as the women walked through the doors, Jane took of her large sunglasses, marvelling all the while at the ornate surroundings.  Jane wasn’t sure if marble floorings, large oak staircase and gilt framed paintings depicted life in Hawaii through history.  Feeling Darcy steering Jane over to the in front of the large metal detectors.  Darcy passed over her handbag to put through the large scanners.  Taking out her driving license she showing to the guy manning the computer while pointing towards the large wooden staircase.

Looking over her shoulder to make sure that Jane was following her, before she made way up the staircase.  Once Jane had caught up with her, Darcy began to speak

“So, you know that I wasn’t born a Lewis right?  My name is actually Darcy McGarrett and I was born in Hawaii.  My brother Steve McGarrett had a tremendous career in the Navy, he was a Navy SEAL for a few years, now he heads up the Hawaii Five-0 police department, where we’re going right now.  He works with Danny Williams, Lou Grover, both from the mainland and Chin Ho Kelly and Kono Kalakaua.  I want to introduce you to my big brother, be nice” Darcy went to open the doors before she stopped herself and turned back to Jane “Maybe don’t mention that we live with the Avengers in New York, Steve will er have a cow.” Stopping herself from opening the door once again “Maybe don’t mention that we live in New York, Danny Williams is from the Big Apple originally, or he used to live in New Jersey and I really don’t want to set him off.”

“Okay, do they know we were in London for the Dark Elves attack?” Jane asked rolling her eyes at her friend.

“Steve knows that we spent some time in London, but I don’t think he knows we were there for ground zero so to speak.”

Jane looked bemused as her friend began to wring her hands out, something that Darcy had always noticed she did when she was getting nervous about something.  Darcy rolled her shoulders and opened the door knowing she was about to face the music.

Following her friend down the tiled corridor with glass offices Jane noticed the large flags, one was the typical flag of America, the stars and stripes, while the other was what Darcy guessed was the flag of the state of Hawaii on it.  Walking down through the offices until they got to large central bit, where large screens hung down from the ceiling and a large computer type table.  Privately Jane thought that the room reminded her off one of Tony Stark’s, and therefore the Avengers, tidier control rooms.  Jumping a little when Darcy let out a squeal and ran towards the tall, brunette man in the centre who picked her up and twirled her round.  “STEVIE!!!”

“Woah, woah, I’m sorry but who is this Stevie you’re talking about?  I don’t see a Stevie here, do you Lou?” the man who Jane thought was Danny began to speak needling Steve.

“Oh shut up man!  Can’t you see that they’re simply catching up.  Hi, I’m Lou Grover and the mook over there is Detective Danny Williams.  I’m guess you’re Dr Jane Foster, right?” Lou was smiling down at Jane as she watched Darcy and her brother Steve’s cheerful if slightly enthusiastic reunion.

“Hi, call me Jane, I’m Darcy’s, well its complicated to explain, I guess I’m her best friend and boss.” Jane itched at the back of her neck awkwardly trying to remember what she couldn’t tell these people.

Darcy stepped back from Steve and heard the last thing Jane had said “This is Jane my sister from another mister.  She’s you know the doctor I was telling you about?  The astrophysicist I did my internship with, must be ooh three or four years ago now, right?”

“Yeah, about that time.  I can’t tell you how thankful I am that Darcy Lewis applied for my internship out in the desert, though I was a little confused when you first applied.” Jane laughed.

“Yeah, well I had an option between choosing to stay for another year in California at university doing another year with an overly handsy biology professor and a really bad situation with a wannabe boyfriend.  I needed six science, hard science, the proper sciences I mean, to graduate.  So I took an internship with an astrophysicist figuring that it would get me away for long enough until I could get my head screwed on properly.  It didn’t take me long to figure out that Jane here was like a human hamster and is pretty much terrible at remembering that she is human at time.”

“I’m not THAT bad” Jane tried to protest.

“Jane, you think pop tarts are a food group all on their own.  I like them occasionally but you seem to think you can eat them all day every day.  It’s just not healthy.  Things happened that I do not want to talk about under any circumstances, things that will probably scar me forever.”

The two women started to squabble, not noticing as the group they are in front of exchange mildly amused glances.  Jane’s stomach begins to growl dangerously.  Eventually though Jane quiets down realising that they perhaps have an audience, an audience that they really didn’t want to have.

“Look, whatever I just know that I am never getting into a car with you again.  You drove the Pinzgauer for months with no bother but the minute you get into a normal car, you drive like a maniac.  What the hell is the matter with you? I’m not –“ here Darcy could only guess what the woman was going to say so she dived for the small woman and covered her mouth but Steve could really begin to freak out.

“Well, I didn’t want to crash the Pinzgauer, that was expensive and would cost me too much to repair, that would really eat into my already meagre salary, it’s – eugh did you just lick me?” Darcy lifted her hand away from where she had clasped it around Jane’s mouth and with a scowl she began to wipe it off on her jeans.

“Well, who the hell taught you to drive like that?  We weren’t doing an urban assault escape thing driving like a maniac” Jane’s voice began getting more and more high pitched towards the end.

Steve sheepishly raised a hand “That would uh be my fault Dr Foster.  Sorry about that.  Nice drive Darce?”

“Oh yeah, we got a 1967 Chevy Impala, it’s the fangirl in me, now who out there drives the beautiful mustang?” Darcy continued before groaning “And the motorcycle?  Oh how much trouble would I be in if I just took it for a ride?”

“The motorbike would be mine.  And you’d be in for world of trouble if you take that out young lady, I remember your father commiserated the fact that you were a speed junkie.” Chin mock reprimanded Darcy.

“The mustang is mine and if you drive anything like this animal over here” Danny pointed at Steve “the way he drives my baby there is no way in hell you’ll ever get back the wheel of that car.”

Darcy held up her hands in mock surrender “Woah, bit of aggro there.”

“It’s not my fault your brother drives like a bloody Neanderthal.  I swear to God, every time I get in a car with him I’m wondering did I tell Gracie that I love her?” Danny tried to calmly point out.

“Excuse me?  I am a perfectly safe driver okay?  I’ve never once crashed have I?”

“It’s my car, usually the person who drives the car get to OH YEAH DRIVE THE DAMN THING.  And for the love of all that is good and right in this world would you FOR PETE’S SAKE STOP LEAVING GRENADES IN MY CAR?”

The two continued to bicker as Darcy glanced over as Chin who was trying to muffle some of his snickers with his hand.  “They always like this”

“Oh yeah, these never shut up, about anything, ever since I got here.  Has anyone tried shutting them in a room yet?” Lou cut in as the group turned to observe Dnny and Steve beginning to bicker.

“Yeah, we tried it.  But Steve jumped out the window –“

“It was a room on the second story, damn my eardrums are still ringing from day” Kono finished

Darcy began to shake her head at her brother’s actions, was this typical behaviour coming from one of the McGarrett men?  To nettle and bicker constantly with their partner.  Whatever, she was just glad that she didn’t have to live with them constantly doing this.

Unnoticed Jane began looking at her phone, “Oh, oh Darcy, we’d better get going I really want to see the stars tonight.  The views should be spectacular tonight” Jane started turning round mumbling “I’m going to need to take some readings tonight, it might be another all-nighter.”

Darcy laughed “alright we’ll see you guys tomorrow or so okay?” turning round she followed her boss from the room thinking that Jane reminded her of a toddler, she could be very easily distracted.

Chapter Text

“Hello Darcy Lewis here” Darcy picked up the phone without checking the caller ID, as she tucked into a good bacon buttie. Say what you want but LIVING in the UK had taught about the proper way to present bacon (streaky bacon no just no) and how to make up the proper bacon buttie.

“It's your father young lady and I can't believe you what were you thinking to have to learn what you have been doing with your life over the past few years thanks to your mother, no just no that should never have happened”.

Darcy blinked at her phone, her normally stoic and taciturn father was really worked up, Tammy 2 must have said something to him “I'm sorry Dad but not all of us believe that the government are an evil, organisation hellbent on destroying us all, I mean we aren't all Republicans”

“You have went against all of my values young lady, I did not raise you to be like this. Where did you pick up ideas like this?”

Darcy cleared her throat a few times trying to push out excuses before she finally pushed out “listen Daddy, I just think that government is fascinating and studying political science was very interesting. And besides I've found out a few things that are very interesting”

Ron replied his voice raising “where did I go wrong with you. Have you been talking to Leslie Knope or Chris Traeger? Did they influence your decision? I knew I shouldn't have let anyone from work know about you. I knew I should have moved you that wood workshop, you could been my little wood working elf” he was really starting to get himself worked up, Darcy was surprised the man could even talk that much.

“No, they didn't influence me, but hey you should hear the things I've heard about bacon now. Dad, streaky bacon isn't that great. I'm sorry but it isn't. Try back bacon. Mmm fried in a pan and in some bread with just a hint of brown sauce covering it. It's the ultimate in hangover food. I tried some in London and it’s so good”.

Listening to her Dad until he ran out of steam had been easily the highlight of Darcy's year. At least until he rang two weeks later

“Hello, Darcy Lewis here” “Oh my God darling you were right back bacon is where it's at. Tom agrees with me. Little twerp jumped me right when I was frying it, I may have to move homes now in case he shares where I live.” Darcy had to raise an eyebrow when she heard the dial tone signalling that her father had hung up, still muttering about bacon.

Chapter Text

Looking back on her short twenty-five years of life so far, Darcy had seen a lot of weird, and to her credit she hadn’t let it faze her in the slightest.  She reasoned to herself that there was no point in getting herself worked up until it was all over.  Throughout all of the weird she was so pleased to say she had made close friends.  First was her adorable ferret-like boss, her boss’ boyfriend and now that she was living in the Tower, she had acquired two more scientists to add to her roster, she would like to think that she had made more friends.

That was not the only place that Darcy had made such close friends.  She had also worked at a few music festivals in her time.  She had first gotten bitten by the bug at Lollapalooza where she worked in the first aid tent and then the following year in the hospitality tents in a different music festival.

She had come to realise that working in the first aid, that if some festival goers got into trouble (and it was a woman who got into trouble) then female friends were more likely to bring the friend in for help.  Guys were more likely to laugh.  Or to sometimes just ditch their friend somewhere (as she learned at T in the Park later guys were likely to zip their friends into a bag and leave them somewhere).  She found it funny (almost ha ha funny) how she had never been so hopeful for dull and overcast weather, if it was hot and sunny then festival goers would be coming in after drinking too much, had burnt badly and didn’t have access to enough sunscreen.  If it started to rain, then festival goers would be coming in with mild cases of pneumonia, dehydration, or a complete inability to warm up as they’d forgotten how to pack welly boots, jeans, warm jumpers and socks.  But then it was a summer music festival, people probably wouldn’t be thinking of practicality.

The next time she had worked at music festival had been Belsonic in Northern Ireland when one of her unimates had taken her home for the month of June.  There she had worked the hospitality tents, meaning she was serving the alcohol.  Unfortunately, she wasn’t always been completely able to understand the thick accents (dear Lord but some Northern Irish accents were practically unintelligible) but she had had a great time being shouted at that the alcohol was too expensive and bemoaning how expensive everything was.  That had been good craic as her mate from uni had been quick to inform her didn’t necessarily mean drugs but rather banter.  Still gave her a shock when had met her mates grandmother who informed the pair of where they could find good craic, was this little old woman in her eighties or nineties informing her granddaughter and her granddaughter’s friend just where they could score good drugs?

When Jane had been based in the U.K. Darcy had picked up a volunteering position at Glastonbury (if she ever saw another hippie it would probably be too soon) and T in the Park up in Scotland.  Jane might have left a bit early but Darcy had given her word, so she was put on hearing and disability sections at Glastonbury.  Basically they had found out that she could sign (ahh there could be benefits to having a half-deafened grandfather who insisted that all his children and grandchildren learned to sign), so along with a team of others she was put to work signing the performances, personally she thought that trying to sign for The Rolling Stones at the Pyramid Stage was the highlight of her life.  She also had to help make sure that the park was kept, for the most part, wheelchair and walker friendly, that had been stressful trying to make sure a muddy farm could be accessed by wheelchairs.  It was trying but when someone had given her a thank you card at the end of it, the whole thing had been worth it.  Every time she had cursed to herself about the fact that people were moving the large boards, well it was irritating but as her friend’s uncle like to say ‘These things are sent to try us’.

Two weeks later she was working T in the Park, where she mainly worked sanitation.  She had to make sure the porta-potties were working and keep them clean.  It had never been more horrifying to discover that someone had taken a big bag of Sugarless Haribo Gummy Bears into the festival.  It had been even more disgusting when one of the porta-potties was pretty much destroyed, the walls had been painted black (with God only knows what) and the door wouldn’t completely lock.  The fact that Darcy had only been with the festival a year, she was still fresh meat her horrible boss had sent her in first to deal with the problem before calling the thing a bust and having it taken away.  Darcy was not ashamed to admit that she had cried a little when she was in a porta-potty that hadn’t flushed after someone had diarrhoea in the thing and when she had got to clean it up – they had started to shake the damn thing around.  Never mind the Destroyer or the Dark Elves, that, she was sure, would fuel her nightmares for her for years afterwards.

Darcy had felt that she would never be clean again, she still couldn’t listen The Rolling Stones Paint It Black without bursting into tears.  Heck, sometimes if she heard ACDCs song Back in Black she got the sniffles and began to whimper through what she could describe as some sort of mild form of PTSD hitting her.  She had taken so many showers after T that she was more than a little concerned that her skin was always going to be slightly pink!  Flying back to the United States the day after the festival was a mistake, she hadn’t woken up for her alarm and was in such a rush to get out the door and to the airport that she hadn’t even ate any breakfast.

That was six months and Darcy was now settled in the Tower, helping Jane out with her research (she was proud to say that she now understood it a bit better), she had even taken Tony Stark and Bruce Banner under her wings and had begun to take care of them.  This evening however, she had Jane thrown over her shoulders (she so did her upper arm exercises) as she walked down to the communal dining room for some food.  When had her life gotten so crazy that she practically had to beg a scientist to eat food regularly, maintain a good sleeping schedule, go out into the sun?  She reasoned that it was an astrophysicist so maybe sunlight and daylight wouldn’t be high on her list of priorities?

She would wonder if she had taken a wrong turn somewhere in the crazy adventure called life if she didn’t enjoy it so much.

“Come on Janie, dinner time and then afterwards we can go back to the lab to do some more number crunching.  If you eat one meal that isn’t comprised of processed sugars, then we can eat some more pop tarts tomorrow.”

“AHEM” Darcy was startled when a throat was suddenly cleared behind her.  Whirling around she saw a face she hadn’t seen since that summer at Lollapalooza, back at the start of her musical festival working bug so many years ago.

“Sammy is that you?  As I live and breathe!  I haven’t seen you in so long, how’ve you been keeping?”

“Eugh, you’re not still on THAT are you Jerry?  Never mind me, what about you, did you go to university in the end?”

“Seriously, why do you have to call me that?  Yeah, I’ve been working with Jane the Brain here, I have a degree in Political Science and am currently studying to work as the Avengers full time Press Relations manager.  The fun has just never stopped for me!”

“Aw Jerry, you know why I called you that and don’t lie”

“Wait why do you call her Jerry?” the big blonde behemoth of a hunk that must have been Steve Rogers asked as Jane started to come out of her fugue state.

“When we first met, she was really in Johnny Cash music, and of course we were working at a music festival, so when someone else in the festival said that one of the guys who worked with him was called Jerry Lee Lewis, so we all just called her that to wind her up.” Sammy tried to explain as Jane’s eyebrow inched further and further up her face.

“I was working Glastonbury and T in the Park this past summer, which was a blast but well a little gross at times” Darcy laughed as she shook her head.

“Wait gross?  Why in the name of Nora was it gross?” Sam asked with his rather impressive arms folded across his chest.

“I was working as a disability needs co-ordinator at Glastonbury, which let me tell you, signing for the Rolling Stones was incredibly fun.  But at T in the Park I was working sanitation.  The stuff I’ve seen was completely gross” Darcy shuddered as she gave her answer.

“Wait, saniatation?  You mean picking up litter or in the porta-potties?” Sam gasped.

“A bit of column A and a little of column B.  Someone thought it would be a marvellous idea to bring a bag of sugarless Haribo Bears and eat a few.  Their arses pretty much exploded and destroyed a few porta-potties.  But of course because it was my first summer working at T they sent me in to check out the porta-potty and try and clean it before they had it hauled away.  It was disgusting, it was a bit like what I imagine taking latrine duty in the war was like, but with no bombs being lobbed at me!  Someone started shaking the small cabin while I was still inside it.” Darcy started to rub her arms, trying to shake the feeling of being unclean from her.

Nobody had noticed Natasha sitting behind them, she had crept in midway through Darcy’s story and was listening to the story with only a small moue of disgust crossing her face as she listened to the story.

When the rest of the Avengers drifted in to take their evening meals, they noticed that the resident intern was talking animatedly to the former airman.

“Boobs, how do you know baby bird?” Stark shouted not even thinking to use his indoor voice.

“We met years ago working at Lollapalooza if you must know and haven’t seen each other since and give it a rest with the Baby Bird crap, he’s not that much older than me Tin-Man” Sammy snapped.

“I didn’t know you worked the music festival circuit Darcy, what was it like” Bruce gently asked

Snatching the baby potato that Stark had lobbed at him he shrugged, peeling it with his fork and continuing to eat it ignoring the amazed looks he was getting.

“Well Dr Fluffy it was the best of times and the worst of times”

Chapter Text

For what must be the hundredth time, Darcy cursed herself for not checking the caller I.D. before she answered the phone.  Though maybe the fact that the phone was playing Katy Perry’s California Gurls should have told her it was her old friend from Boston. 

“Hello, Darcy Lewis speaking here, to whom am I speaking?” Darcy spoke in her polite phone voice.  Her mama hadn’t raised no fool.

“Well, hey there Darcy Lewis, it’s Maeby Fünke here, I live out in California now, we went to school together up until about high school.  Anyway, I wanted to invite you out to my mothers’ engagement party, Lindsay Bluth Fünke is getting married or threatening it or something, I don’t know, I don’t pretend to understand that crazy lady or my parents frankly weird and freaky and strange marriage.” Darcy listened as Maeby started to rant before she piped up with a question of her own.

“I didn’t hear that Lindsay and Tobias were getting a divorce or even separated when did that happen?”

“They have been dancing around separating for year, probably since we moved out to California.  But they’ve always seemed to be more interested in winding each other up.  This family is so messed up I swear” Maeby tried to explain some of her family’s rather confusing relationship and dynamics with one another.

“Who’s she getting married to then?” Darcy asked as she went for a drink of water.

“Uh, remember Steve Holt?  It’s him, I really don’t think I’m ever going to be able to forgive her for this, she knows I liked him.  I don’t even think she’s going to be able to go through with it” Darcy spat out her drink as she continued to listen to her friend’s griping “but whatever you know?  I don’t think it was ever going to be able to work out between us anyway.  So can you come to the engagement party I mean?  God knows I’ll need to have a friend here.”

Darcy hadn’t noticed because she was wincing as soon as she heard the name and peering around frantically for a napkin or something to clean up her spittle but Clint had walked in (he didn’t always use the vents to get around) with a silent Natasha following him.  The two had glanced at each other in surprise and stepped back into the shadows to listen to the intern’s bizarre phone call.

“There’s a name from the past, and I’m sorry but I can’t come I’m pregnant” Darcy closed her eyes as the lie crossed her lips “I’m about to enter my third trimester and I can’t fly at the moment”

“Oh, you’re pregnant, I didn’t know you were pregnant, do you know what you’re having?” Maeby asked sounding shocked.

Tony had been about to step into the room wondering why the Spyassins had congregated in the large communal living area.  He had been about to say something when Natasha gave him a look that promised him pain if he spoke up.

“I’m having twins?  I mean, yes I’m having twin boys” Darcy started to ask before she remembered that she was telling her friend about her own fictional pregnancy.

“Oh, nice, have you picked out names?” Maeby sounded a little subdued on the phone.

Darcy cursed herself again for sticking herself with such an obvious lie, oh well in for a penny in for a pound as her Granny used to say “Uh, yes.  So far I’m thinking Bert and Ernie” Darcy winced as she continued to try and tell her lie, she was so going to get caught out.

“Okay, well we’ll have to catch up some time” before Maeby continued to mutter “thanks for nothing” hanging up.

Hanging up the phone, Darcy found herself muttering curses and general aspirations against her self-obsessed former friend’s character as she continued to clean up around her.  Darcy was so engrossed in cleaning up that she hadn’t noticed the small audience of three silently clear out.  She really wanted to make sure that her simple drink of still water wouldn’t soak through the cooling linen sofa cushions.

In fact; the phone call completely escaped Darcy’s minds until she was cleaning up after Jane in the labs until dinner with Tony with the typical smirk on his face brought it up.

“So, you’re pregnant Lewis, may I be the first to offer congratulations?”

“What?  Where on earth did you hear that?” Darcy was confused until the memory of the earlier phone call began to play through her mind again.  Was that only a few hours ago?

“The phone call from earlier Lewis.  And may I ask why you are giving them such grandfather-type names?  We’ve already got a grandfather here.”

“You’re pregnant Darce?  When were you going to tell me?  And have you got any names picked out?” Jane fired out question after question as she tried to work out why her friend had omitted to tell her that she was pregnant.

“Slow your roll Janey, I’m not pregnant Tony probably heard the tail end of my phone call with an old friend earlier.  The names I said on the phone earlier are awful, Bert and Ernie”

“Why would you saddle two innocent children with those names?” Banner tried to understand.

“They aren’t real Banner, I haven’t gotten laid in ages” Darcy shrugged.

“Miss Lewis, why did you fake being pregnant, that’s a mighty big thing to do?  And seriously TMI” Steve asked her

“Call me Darcy Steve.  It was an old friend who I grew up with around the Boston area who moved to California for high school with her mother and father.  I visited her one summer and let’s just say that it wasn’t the best experience” Darcy started to rub the back of her head in an apparent nervous tic that she had never quite managed to thoroughly shake (though God knew she had tried).

“Not Maeby Fünke, Darce?” Jane asked sounding annoyed before she noticed the looks of surprise “what?  Darce has been with me since New Mexico, we have consumed so many bottle of cheap liquor together.”

“Oh yeah, her mother, do you ever remember me mentioning Lindsay Bluth Fünke is getting married, but Maeby doesn’t think they are.  She thinks that Lindsay is doing it to make Tobias Fünke feel jealous.  But that’s not the worst of it, guess who she is getting married to?”

“Who?”

“Steve Holt” Darcy revealed

“Wait you don’t mean THAT Steve Holt” Jane gasped.

“Wait, I’m lost who was this Steve Holt to you?” Bruce asked watching the show unfold in front of him.

“Steve was my first so to speak” Darcy whispered “my first sexual experience”

“So I’m guessing it was bad then?” Natasha raised an eyebrow managing to startle the rest of the table who had forgotten she was there.

“Oh yeah it was awful.  It was so mechanical and I was never the kind of girl to dream out my first time and plan out my future wedding but it was so awkward.  He literally slotted himself in and gave two or three thrusts and came while roaring STEVE HOLT with his arms spread out in a typical weight lifting pose and rolled off me and fell asleep.  He had been doing some dirty talk before, like something you would read in a bad fanfiction but taking it way to far, calling me things like a whore and a bitch that needed to be punished.  It was just so cringy.” Darcy whined.

“Youch, that sounds awful for a first time, was that your worst sexual experience then?”

“No, I had some horrible sex in London with some English dickboy” both Jane and Darcy along with Thor strangely enough shuddered as they remembered this ordeal.

“Colour me curious, are you going to tell us about it?” Clint raised an eyebrow looking disgusted.

“Oh you’ll have to get me a lot drunker than this cowboy” Darcy nodded to her peeling beer bottle label.

Chapter Text

Darcy was bored, Darcy was incredibly bored, she had been sitting in the labs compiling data on the – well whatever it was that Janie was observing for just over a day.  Damn it but she had been up all night taking notes and checks equations and numbers.  Scrubbing her hands through her air, Darcy groaned at the fact that she was back home, she was in Hawaii but she hadn’t actually been in the ocean yet.  She had missed surfing and boogie boarding while she following Jane from New Mexico to Tromsö to London, she had missed relaxing in the ocean.

Checking the surf report on the small computer, she groaned when she realised that the waves seemed pretty damn idyllic outside.  The sun was beating down, bathing the beautiful semi-tropical islands in the gorgeous golden light.  But Darcy wouldn’t know, being trapped inside a slightly darkened lab for the last day and a bit.  Feeling her phone vibrating against her, she pulled it out to check on:

INCOMING SMS MESSAGE

Hey Darce, is it okay if I come with you for a few days? C

INCOMING MESSAGE

Things have gotten really bad odd with S.H.I.E.L.D, I think that something big is coming C

INCOMING MESSAGE

I haven’t heard from Nat in a few days, she isn’t off on an active mission C

INCOMING MESSAGE

I need to get away from all of this C

INCOMING MESSAGE

I think I need to see you again C

Darcy frowned at her phone, why was Clint all nervous?  Or well nervous for Clint – the man just didn’t seem to get nervous in the same way that Darcy would get nervous (because Darcy was known to occasionally to FTFO, or to Freak The Feck Out).

“Hey Janie is it okay if Clint comes with us for a few days?  I think he’s nervous about something” Darcy asked as she watched Jane straighten up and look over at Darcy with a dazed, overly scienced look in her eyes.

“He’s not trying to take our stuff again is he?  Because these are my findings and this is my data those jackbooted thugs over at S.H.I.E.L.D have absolutely no legal grounds for seizing this stuff –“ Jane started to get worked up

“No, of course not, I think he thinks that something big is happening with them.” Darcy tried to explain.

“But doesn’t he work with them?” Jane sounded exasperated.

“No, no he does.  But you know as well as I do that they find it difficult to trust him, especially after what happened with Loki.  I think that Coulson really trusted him but after Coulson went down on the helicarrier, the higher ups and the other agents don’t really trust him, which is completely ridiculous if you ask me”.

“Yeah, you’d expect that an organisation would remember that the guy was brainwashed when he stormed the helicarrier, he really shouldn’t be held in account.”

“Exactly, to me it seems like victim blaming.  You know the girl was dressed slutty she was asking to be sexually assaulted.  It’s complete and utter bullshit if you ask me.” Darcy could have continued on to rant on if Jane hadn’t cut in to interrupt her friend.

“Darcy, does he mean anything more to you?” Jane tilted her head to the side making Darcy feel as if she was the end of one of Jane’s telescopes.

“HAH!  No I don’t think so, I mean I thought there was something there but whatever you know.  I’m not going to cry into my pillow at night because the boy I like doesn’t like me back.  Even if I do like him, is it okay if he comes out here?” Darcy tried to go for a nonchalant tone of voice and pose, leaning against one of the lab tables.  Jane clearly saw through Darcy’s attempted nonchalance, if her raised eyebrow meant anything.

“Yeah sure, invite him out here.  I mean who could say no to an impromptu trip out to Hawaii, to essentially relax?” Jane rhetorically asked.

“Awesome, thanks.  I’ll send him a text now”

OUTGOING MESSAGE

That’s fine, just come on out we’re in the labs, tell me when you land and I’ll send someone to pick you up.

Darcy bent over her phone typing the message out, scanning it for any errors before she hit send.  Sliding the phone into her back pocket, Darcy began to organise some of Jane’s notes, the woman could be so messy at times! 

Getting completely lost in her task, Darcy jumped when she felt her phone vibrate again.  Flexing out the stiffening muscles in her neck, she scooped the phone out of her back pocket and flicked through to the messages function.

INCOMING MESSAGE

Will do, I should be there in about four hours.  I’m landing at the private airfield.

Sighing again, she didn’t feel any need to reply to such a short text.  Setting a small alarm for three and a half hours, she went back to her work with Jane.

The two women could get so lost in their work that they completely failed to notice the passing of time.  Darcy didn’t know exactly what her boss was doing, but whatever it was she was just so focussed that anything could have happened around her and she wouldn’t have noticed.  Darcy was simply focused on getting the numbers crunching into the spreadsheet.  If Darcy was given to bluffing, she probably could have tried to claim that she could see a pattern beginning to form.  But apart from an overabundance of the numbers 5 and 10 Darcy really didn’t see much of a pattern begin to form, she didn’t feel confident enough to point one out.

When the small alarm on her phone began to beep, Darcy pulled the phone out of pocket and looked up and over towards Jane.

“Okay, Jane I’m going to go and pick Clint up from the airport, I’ve left you out an apple and a glass of water, I want them both to be gone by the time I get back.”  Pausing to peer for a few seconds at her boss, she wanted to make sure that Jane got to message loud and clear.

Making her way out to the car, Darcy scrolled through some of the missed alerts on her phone.  Feeling her eyebrow raise when she saw that she had missed one about Captain America, The Black Widow and an unknown third man were arrested in Washington DC suspected of terrorism charges.  That didn’t sound hinky at all, the man (Captain America) had went through a very weird medical experiment (because that was what it was) to fight for his country.  He then went through the Second World War, starting and almost but not quite finishing a great fight against the NAZI’s science division HYDRA, he had crashed a plane into the ocean and took an extended nap for almost seventy years and still fought for his country.  If HE was committing acts of terrorism then what chances did the rest of the world have?

Throwing her car keys up and down, Darcy ruminated on this on her way to the car, shaking her head (she would never completely understand this) she got into car once she had finally completed the long trek out to the car, she peeled off the sun visor glancing up at the sky and thanking God that it wasn’t another completely hot day, she turned the radio onto some random top 40s music station, Darcy hummed as she drove the hired car over to the private airfield.  Sigh, it seemed as if Top 40 pop music all sounded the same, she wondered to herself if the artists had a bowl of topics they picked from to sing the same type of generic song over and over again?  Shaking her head to try and clear out the errant thoughts, there was no point in getting worked up.

Braking slowly at the private airfield, she could tell just from looking that there was an increased security presence, was there a big celebrity arriving later that day?  Was that why the guards looked a bit more heavily armed than usual?  Checking the clock in the centre, she was still early, she flashed her passport at the security hut, where they allowed her to pull into the small lot and directed her to a small car park.  Stopping the car, Darcy took a moment to sigh, patting the back of her to ensure that her messy bun was still in place, Darcy reached over to the passenger seat and grabbed her phone.  The plane would be arriving in ten minutes; she could stick the warm air.

OUTGOING MESSAGE

Brother dearest, I’m at the airfield picking up a friend, is there supposed to be a dignitary or celebrity arriving later?  There’s a bigger security presence? Darcy.

INCOMING MESSAGE

I don’t think so, why are you picking up a friend anyway? Steve

INCOMING MESSAGE

Hey Darcy, Kono here, is it just a friend coming in?  Is little Darcy in love?  Do you have hearts in your eyes?

Narrowing her eyes at the phone when she saw Kono’s message, why was Kono getting all up in her butt about this?

OUTGOING MESSAGE

Kono, have you gotten no new cases today?  Why are you so interested in my admittedly pathetic love life?  I like him, I want him to be more, but you know what men are like sometimes.  It’s like they’re a whole other species sometimes. D

Darcy snorted at the last sentence of her text, she wondered if Kono would pick up with it, because Kono didn’t know that Darcy had met another species.  That Darcy had met a few aliens.  Darcy couldn’t possibly tell her what her life had been like over the past few years.

INCOMING MESSAGE

Darcy this is Danny, your neanderthall of a brother wants to know who your friend is, and what your friend works as. Danny

INCOMING MESSAGE

We aren’t sure why there’s extra security, Steve tried to reach out to Katherine in Naval Intelligence (you know his not girlfriend but she is so totally his girlfriend) but we are continuing to make some discreet inquiries, just be careful. Danny

Startled away from looking at her phone when she heard a knocking sound at the window, she saw it was only Clint.  Getting out of the car and helping the man throw his duffle bag and large bow case in the back seat she got back into the driver’s seat while Clint got into the front passenger seat.

“Godamnit Nat, what are you playing at?” Clint continued to grumble while Darcy pulled out of the car park all the while checking the positions of the various guards and keeping a mental note of their weapons.

Humming a quiet sea shanty to herself Darcy drove back towards the lab keeping half an eye on her rear view mirror.  Hearing her phone beep, she glanced over at it while telling Clint that she needed him read her text to her.

“Clint I’m driving here, would you mind reading that text aloud to me please?  The passcode is 78277”

“Um sure” Clint proceed to fiddle with the phone until he found the text message continuing aloud “it says DARCY WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO I AM EXTREMELY ANGRY, WHY IS YOUR NAME COMING UP ON A HITLIST OF TARGETS TO BE KILLED?  CALL ME IMMEDIATELY STEVE M”

Darcy glanced at Clint not sure what the text was talking about, who met her gaze just as worried as she was.

Chapter Text

Darcy glanced at her watch once again, she had been on hold for an embarrassingly long amount of time.  She knew that she wasn’t going to get an internship at the State Department, not one with college credits, but she might as well try.  The fact that she slept in the same dorm room and got on with Stevie McCord could only be a good thing at this point, Stevie was the one egging her on right now facing her on the small extra bed in the dorm room.  Hearing the phone click on Darcy cocked her head to the side

“Hello Miss Lewis, this is Blake Moran Secretary McCord’s assistant, what may I tell Secretary McCord you were ringing for?” a polite, slightly modulated voice at the end of the phone line.

“Hello, Mr Moran, my name is Darcy Lewis, I know it’s probably too late but is there any way I could do an internship with the state department for college credits?” Darcy asked trying not to sound as if she was begging.

“I’m sorry Miss Lewis, but this is most irregular, we need at least six months to vet all potential interns, you understand?  I’m afraid you wouldn’t be able to come on until after Christmas, but if you like I can put your name down on a potential interested intern list?”

“Yes, yes I do understand.  If you could put my name on an interested list.  May as well get some use from a political science degree!” Darcy laughed as she cringed inside about her bad joke.

“Very well Miss Lewis, may I ask how you got my phone number?  Also which university do you go to?”

“I uh heh room with Stevie McCord here at university.  And I go to Culver in Northern California”

“Nepotism won’t get you everywhere Miss Lewis” Mr Moran continued in a stressed tone “have a good day”

“Uh yeah, you too” Darcy hung up the phone shooting a discomfited look at the phone as she did so.

“Well, did you get in?” Stevie asked trying to work out if she should be excited for her friend.

“No, no, I left it far too late to get in.” Darcy tried to wipe away some of the spilling tears before her friend could notice them “It was really a last chance shot, but I can’t lie and say it isn’t disappointing”

“Oh pet, I’m so sorry, have you got any other options?” Stevie asked as she unfolded herself from the pretzel shape as she got up to squeeze her friend into a hug.

“None within political science, and since it’s April the other courses are all being snapped up.  There is an astrophysicist one with a Dr Foster, but I’m a bit reluctant to choose that one, what do I know about stars?!” Darcy ended her speech by shrieking out loud.

“Well, it’s about the stars and you won’t have to know much, probably just follow around your stereotypical astrophysicist.  I’m sorry, but I’m sure that nothing too exciting will happen.  Where is it again?” Stevie soothed her friend.

“New Mexico, out in the sticks New Mexico.  You’re right nothing too exciting will happen.”

Darcy turned to the computer to complete her registration to Dr Foster.

“Oh, here’s your iPod, I found it in my bag, don’t want to lose that Darce!” Stevie joked as she placed the small iPod beside her friend.

Chapter Text

“Are you kidding me right now?  Seriously what the flibbertijibbet man?” Darcy started to screech into her phone as if she was seriously beginning to question life (though really it had been a long time ago that she had started to question life) “YOU HAVE BECOME ONE OF THOSE DARLINGS FOR FOX NEWS, WHY THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND, WE USED TO LAUGH AT THE TALKING HEADS WHO APPEARED ON FOX NEWS TALKING AS IF THE WORLD WAS ENDING” Darcy began to rant to her former friend ending in deep breathing as she tried to calm herself back down.

“Hey, whoa there calm down.  You learn that here in Washington you have to do some things that you really never thought you would” Andy tried to placate her friend over the phone “Did you see the Vanity Fair shoot I did?”

Darcy glanced over at the Vanity Fair magazine, once again she started shaking her head.  Her old friend was standing dressed up like a Roman Emperor, standing in front of a backdrop of ancient Rome, closing her eyes as she attempted to calm herself down.  “You’re dressed up as what I can only assume as a weird cosplayer who went all out.  Who are you supposed to be anyway?”

“Uh, Julius Caesar, he was truly an amazing President.”

“Couple of things wrong with that

First thing:     Julius Caesar wasn’t a US President, or a President in any sense of the term, he was a Roman Emperor.

Second thing: He was stabbed to death 23 times by members of the ruling party in Ancient Rome.”

“Well, he was a pretty powerful leader wasn’t he?  Adriana says it makes me look powerful.”

“WELL, OF COURSE SHE DID, SHE’S THE ONE WHOSE BANGING YOU.  Really what were the two of you smoking that made this seem like a good idea?  If you ever want to be President or leader of a political party you put in your time and work yourself into such a position that the ordinary working calls can become.  Or say completely outrageous disgusting things.”

“Hey!  Be nice about Adriana, I love that woman okay?” Once again Andy Guzman ignored all of the slights on himself, choosing to defend his lady love.

“No, you know what, on what planet could you possibly stand and hope for a nomination from Latino voters and immigrant voters if you can’t actually speak the language?  And what the hell was that I saw about the falling lighting thing?”

“Pretty smart huh?”

“Are you kidding me?  No it was not smart, at all.  In the slightest bit it was in no way smart.  And now that’s it all came out.  You probably already know, with the way the bloggers and free media are lining up to dump on you”

“Yeah, I know it doesn’t look good.  But hey, do you want to be an intern in my office in DC?”

“No!  I am a firm liberal democrat.  There is no way on Earth you could make me work for a Republican!  Don’t even get me started on your naming of the new Veteran’s Day, GWOT-VD II, ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ALL OF THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO HELPED BOTH DOMESTIC AND ABROAD STDS?”

“No, of course not, I want to help recognise the brave men and women –“ Andy started, sounding as if he was gearing up to give a stump speech.

“Oh my God, I can’t believe this I really can’t believe this, look bye”.

Darcy hung up the phone before Andy could say anything else, shaking her head at her faintly naïve politician former friend.  There was two words Darcy thought she would never use together (even in the privacy of her own head) – naïveté and politics!

Chapter Text

“Damn it” Darcy cursed to herself as some of the sauce she was preparing for her spaghetti Bolognese split over the edge of the pot when her phone sparkling her.  Scooping the phone from her butt pocket, she glanced at the caller I.D. smiling before she answered it simultaneously turning the heat down.

“Hey Kim, how’s it going?” Darcy asked laughing

“He did it again.  Darcy he did it again.  Is it too much to ask that I have the opportunity to meet another man without Dad feeling the need to question and intimidate every man I come into contact with, regardless of whether or not I see them in in a romantic light.”

“When honey, at least he cares enough to threaten.  What did he say anyway?”

“Oh, he gave the speech.  You know the one.” Kim moaned before continuing on in a bad impersonation of her father’s threatening voice “I don’t know who you are.  I don’t know what you want.  If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills.  Skills I have acquired over a very long career.  Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.  If you let my daughter go now that’ll be the end of it.  I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you”

“Youch, did he stay with you then?” Darcy laughed at her friend.

“No!  He got very squirrely on the date and he broke up with me” Kim whined “He even used the cowardly line, ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ and then told me about the speech”

“Well, you didn’t need the guy in your life.  At least he doesn’t do what my Dad did before I stopped him.”

“I dread to ask but what did your Dad do?” Kim asked morbidly curious.

“Oh, he gave the typical speech you know, you hurt my daughter and they will never find the body.  But he started waxing lyrical about brilliant he is with weapons.  That was before I told him the guy was just my partner in science class.  Poor guy never spoke to me, unless he needed to for class, again”

“Do they not want us to be happy or something?” Kim sighed

“Oh, honey I don’t know.  I better run here, this sauce needs to be watched”

“Okay, well, we’ll have to talk soon, bye” Kim ended by sing songing.

Darcy hung up as she prepared to pour the sauce out,

Chapter Text

Darcy had been raised by what was to all intents and purposes a single mother.  Her father had worked pretty much all the hours of the day for as long as Darcy had known him.  She had learned fairly early on that she was conceived because of a One Night stand, and after her mother had informed her father of the new baby, her father had wanted to be part of Darcy’s life in some small way.

Will Gardener had not been the most stereotypical of father’s he hadn’t been one to attend Darcy’s dance recital’s (of which there weren’t many), he hadn’t really attended a lot of Darcy’s artistic gymnastic meets (of which there had been a few), he hadn’t encouraged Darcy to try figure skating (which for a while Darcy had enjoyed practicing) and he most certainly hadn’t been the type of man to threaten Darcy’s first date (Darcy wasn’t sure if he still thought that Darcy was innocent and hadn’t been ‘wooed by evil boys and men’).  In fact; Will had been pretty much hands off, except for the times when he would open his wallet and writing cheques for Darcy’s education and upbringing.

One thing that nobody ever bothered to tell you was just how frustrating it could be to have a lawyer for a parent.  One of the first things Darcy had ever learned was how to debate and how to win arguments with her Father, that seemed to be the most that Will’s parental pride stretched to some days.  When she wanted anything from her father like driving lessons (for whatever reason her school didn’t do a session of driver’s education), then she felt like she had to put on a big pitch.  Darcy had never wanted for anything other than more of her father’s time, the man had been a named partner in one of (if not the biggest) law firm in Chicago.  Sure the man wasn’t exactly the warm and cuddly type, but would it kill the man to show Darcy a bit of extra attention.

Sometimes, Darcy privately thought, that the only reason she was such a well-rounded young woman was because her mother had always made time for Darcy growing up.  If Darcy had ever been confused or frightened of something, her mother had really stepped up.  It didn’t hurt that her mother had just turned twenty when she gave birth to Darcy (it amused Darcy that she was now older than her mother had been when she was carrying Darcy), so her mother had help from her parents, but the two had mostly figured it out together.  Sure, did it get embarrassing when her mother had gone out on dates with random ass men?  Yes, it did but Darcy knew that her mother Molly loved her.  At least the two hadn’t had to leave whole towns and cities behind when her mother went through bad breakups.

One thing that always amuse Darcy, was that in his private life, Will could be such a drama king.  In court, he was calm, composed and in control of all his emotions but he could be so over-dramatic at times at home.  Thankfully he had never hit Darcy or Molly, but he could get so pissy and huffy about things beyond his control.  Darcy though that it was maybe because he got tired of holding in his emotions all day that they tended to explode out his.

The only time he had raised his voice at Darcy was when she had switched from a degree in Art History, to History and then finally to Political Science.

“DARCY ANN GARDENER-LEWIS WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO SWITCH DEGREES AGAIN?  DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THIS IS COSTING?  WHY ARE YOU DOING ALL THIS?” Will’s voice would probably still ring in Darcy’s ears for years later.

“Look, Dad, you can’t ask me to do something for four years that I don’t particularly enjoy, it’s just not feasible” Darcy tried to placate her father.

“WHEN IT’S COSTING ME A CRAZY AMOUNT OF MONEY THEN YOU BET YOUR ASS I CAN ASK YOU TO DO SOMETHING YOU DON’T REALLY ENJOY”

“WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?  YOU ARE A NAMED PARTNER IN ONE OF THE BIGGER LAW FIRMS IN THIS CITY, YOU’VE GOT MONEY COMING OUT OF YOUR EARS” Darcy snapped roaring back at her father, trying to understand exactly what his problem was.

“YOU CAN’T KEEP CHOOSING TO DO DIFFERENT DEGREES, I RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THIS YOUNG LADY”

“EXCUSE ME?  YOU RAISED ME?  YOU DIDN’T DO SQUAT OLD MAN.  MOM RAISED ME.  I DIDN’T GET MUCH FROM YOU CHEQUES AND MONEY” Darcy tried not to burst into tears when her father tore into her mother.

“Hey, hey I know Darcy girl, I’m sorry but what is this new degree you’re doing?” Will wasn’t sure whether or not he could reach out and hug his daughter to his chest.

“I’m doing -hic- Political Science now, Dad and it looks a lot more interesting than Art History or -hic- History.  I’ll have a minor in History because I still love the subject, I just can’t keep doing it for a full degree.” Darcy reached over to her father and folded herself in his arms.  Looking down a little shocked at his normally emotionally independent daughter looking for some emotional reassurance.

“Alright, pet, alright, when you’re done with this degree – if you manage to finish it that is – do you want to go to a law school?” Will tried to calm him daughter down by gently rocking her back and forth.

“Look Dad, we need to talk” Darcy hesitantly spoke.

“Uh oh, that’s usually a bad thing, what is it?” Will tried to joke, wanting to inject some levity into their discussion.

“Shush Dad, I don’t think I want to be lawyer.  Don’t get me wrong, I am full of respect and admiration for your profession, but I can’t see myself as one.  I don’t think I could be cut throat enough to go for someone’s jugular in a courtroom or meeting room.”

“Well, okay you sure?” Will waited for his daughter to nod before he continued “If all being well, you graduate from Political Science but can’t get a job in that field, within say a year or two, then I want you to consider going for law.  Don’t stamp your foot young lady, I’m allowed to worry about you”.

Years ago, that would probably be the most that Darcy thought she was going to get out of her father.  She was still slightly in shock that she had somehow managed to get that much out of the man.  But now, that she and Jane had realised that there were aliens, that there was life out there, had validated some of Jane’s crazy theories were correct, had meant that Darcy’s professional life had ground to a halt.  The science community at large were still deriding Jane’s theories, no doubt the men in black over at S.H.I.E.L.D. had encouraged the general derision in some fashion.  Darcy had used some of her arguing and debating skills to convince SHIELD that it would still be okay for her to graduate – because Darcy had pretty much earned the credits before Thor (the whole thing that SHIELD wanted to be so silent) had touched down.

She may have graduated but her and Jane had developed a co-dependent relationship with one another by this stage, but she didn’t want to unhitch herself from the Jane-mobile!  So, when Darcy had came home to see her father for two weeks before her and Jane continued on their crazy science discovery missions, she was expecting more yelling at her.

While there was still some yelling, the majority of it was not at her, which was nice for a change.

“WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE’S PLAYING AT?  I MADE HER, NOBODY WANTED TO HIRE HER WHEN HER HUSBAND WENT TO PRISON, I COULD HAVE EASILY BLANKED HER.”

“I wasn’t aware that Lockhart Gardner were now the mob, do you practise that in addition to the law then?” Darcy bitingly asked as she flicked through a fashion magazine “Makes sense I suppose, with some of your clients”

“WHAT?  NO WE’RE STILL A LAW FIRM, WE JUST REPRESENT LEMOND BISHOP, BESIDES YOU CAN’T LEGALLY PROVE ANYTHING”

“That’s right you can’t, Alicia Florrick and Cary Agos do the actual work for him don’t they?” Darcy observed, putting the magazine aside in favour of watching the vein throb in the side of her father’s head.

“DO NOT EVEN MENTION THEIR NAMES TO ME.  WE PLUCKED HIM STRAIGHT FROM LAW SCHOOL.  I PLUCKED HER FROM OBSCURITY.  I MADE HER INTO A NAME.”

“I’m pretty sure she was a household name long before you ever ‘plucked her from obscurity’ thanks to her husband at any rate.”

“PSHAW DETAILS, I GAVE HER MY EVERYTHING”

“Weren’t you having an affair with her?  Was I immaturely conceived then?  I’d better let Mum know that she had a virgin birth then, somebody should really alert the Vatican” Darcy was beginning to get bored with her father’s temper tantrum and general rewriting of history.

“What on Earth are you talking about?  Of course there was sex involved”

“Really don’t need to know about my parent’s sex lives thanks”

“You brought it up” Will childishly stuck his tongue out at Darcy “Eugh, I’m going to bed before I get a migrane”

“You do that Dad, everything might my better in the morning” Darcy rolled her eyes as her father got up

“Night spawn” Darcy tilted her milk glass at her father behind his back, watching him go with a small smile.

Chapter Text

This is the end, hold your breath and count to ten

Aw crap!  Darcy had just picked up coffee for Jane and herself when the phone began to ring.  Finding a nearby window sill, Darcy made her way over to the small window.  Putting the coffee down, Darcy sifted through her handbag as she tried to find her phone.  She knew that she should have cleaned out her handbag, she had receipts, odd paper money, small notes, along with empty lip balm tubes and half empty tins of Vaseline, spent bottles of hand sanitizer (some of the places that Darcy had followed Jane had truly terrible facilities) and small half full bottles of hand cream.  Surrounded by odd lipstick bullets, she found herself asking why she had ever thought it was a good idea to buy so many similar colours when she had to buy things like food and toilet paper!  Her phone was laying at the bottom, where Darcy picked it up and rubbed the screen on her jumper.

Glancing at the name on the screen, Darcy’s stomach dropped when she saw that it was Alec Trevelyan, her father’s good friend.

“Hey, Alec, I haven’t heard from you in a while, what’s up?” Darcy tried not to sound insatiably curious.

“Look, Darce it’s bad.  Oh God, I really didn’t want to have to be the one to ring you with this news” Alec sounded strained.

“Hey, hey, hey breathe uncle Alec and tell me what’s wrong?” Darcy tried to soothe her normally exuberant uncle.

“Right, thanks, look I am so sorry, but your father was KIA today” Alec tried to apologise to his niece.

Darcy felt her stomach drop through to her stomach “Do you” Darcy cleared her throat “Do you know how it uh happened?”

“Oh Darce I do, but you don’t need to know” Alec tried to protect his niece, not wanting her to know how her father had died.

“No, Alec, I think I deserve to know.  I know what job you and Dad do.”

“Okay, you sure?” Alec wanted to be sure before he broke his niece’s heart even more.

“Just tell me Uncle Alec, I think I deserve to know how he died”

“Okay” Alec replied doubtfully before he continued “It happened in Turkey, he had been chasing down a hitman, they were fighting on top of a train.”

“Did the hitman kill him?” Darcy wanted to know not even caring about the funny looks she was getting.

“No, it was one of our own operatives.  It was her first time out in the field”

“Did someone tell her to take the shot that took my father from me?” Alec tried to stall for questioning “TELL ME ALEC I DESERVE TO BLOODY WELL KNOW”

“No, uh M ordered it, she really couldn’t let the guy get away.”

Forgetting momentarily that Alec couldn’t see her, Darcy nodded as she was trying to get rid of the lump in her throat.

“Okay, look I’m going to have to go here.  I’ll talk to you later Alec” Hanging up before Alec even had the opportunity to protest, Darcy gathered up the coffee and made her way back to Stark Tower.

Before too long Darcy found herself in one of the lifts heading up towards the labs levels.  She had made the whole journey back to the tower in a blur, she didn’t want to stop and smell the roses so to speak.  She had a lot of extra energy that she wanted to burn off before she walked back towards the labs.  Once she was she let out of the lift, Darcy made her way towards Jane’s lab, who looked up once she heard her normally noisy intern return.

“Well, hey Darcy, what took you so long, I was going to send up out a search party” catching sight of Darcy’s shocked look “whoa, whoa, what’s wrong?”

Darcy tried to smile at her friend’s quiet concern “Just some family things, is it okay if I leave you for the day I want to try and sort it out?” Darcy couldn’t tell Jane what her father did, because how did you explain that your father was a government assassin/secret agent?  How did you explain that your father had died?  Even if your father had a slight enjoyment coming from resurrection and coming back to life when everybody else had wrote him off?

“Okay, well I’ll maybe see you later then?”

“Uh yeah” Darcy despondently replied before she wondered out of the lab.

Making her way up to the lifts, Darcy got in and decided to go up to the range “don’t let anyone know J” Scrubbing a hand over her face, Darcy tried to calm her emotions.

For once Darcy was very glad that she that she lived with the Avengers, if it meant that she had ready access to a private gun range, she wasn’t about to sneer.  Walking into the dim gun range, Darcy pulled out a Walther PPK, (wanting if nothing else to attempt to honour her father), taking a deep breath, Darcy emptied clip after clip in the paper targets.

Darcy was stood in there for hours going through gun after gun after gun.  She needed to clear her thoughts somehow.  Feeling all of her emotions were spent, wrung out of her, she began to pack away the weapons, cleaning up the room not leaving wanting to leave behind any hint that she had been in there

Chapter Text

Going through some of her grandmother’s old contact books, had exposed Darcy to some information she really wanted to learn.  Darcy could vaguely recall that she had a cousin living out in Los Angeles, but she had maybe met the woman a few times, but never enough for a lasting impression to form.  So, now that Darcy had seen for herself the devastation in London, she decided that since she had almost died, she wanted to meet her rather large and unorthodox family, before it was too late.

Finding that her grandmother and grandfather had left Darcy enough money to travel around the globe had been brilliant news.  So she had rung up the cousin, booked herself a flight out to LA, she was going to stay in a hotel near her cousin for a week, then she was going to work with Jane in New York.  Jane was of course flying into Culver for a week to pack up her office.

“Cabin Crew will now be coming through the cabin to ensure that all seats are in their upright position and tray tables are stowed and locked.  A reminder not to use your phone until you are at the baggage claim area.  We thank you for travelling Virgin Atlantic, we hope you have a pleasant onward journey”

Scooping up her rubbish into her hands, she handed the detritus over to the flight attendant, strange how much could build up in around eleven hours.  Ensuring that her seatbelt was securely fastened, she turned to peer out the window at the smog that partially hid a sprawling Los Angeles.  Though the large skyscrapers of the area were the Fox district were hid and the business district could not quite be hidden, though points for effort Darcy found herself wryly thinking.

Grabbing her small carry-on luggage from above her, she waited patiently until the family with the young children doing the potty dance, the sleepy looking babies, the harried looking parents and the disaffected spotty youths.  Shuddering Darcy thought to herself that it hadn't been that long ago when she had been like that, though really that seemed like it was long so ago and two or three alien invasions, that she KNEW of ago. 

Waiting until the plane had halfway emptied, Darcy grabbed her small boarding stub and showing it to the lady at the front, she made her way out walking through the airport terminal.  She could see people busying themselves, worrying about simple things like whether or not their other half knew that they were cheating, or the remainder of whether or not they had turned the iron off or water.  Had she ever been so consumed with what now seemed like such simple and vapid things?

Realising that if she wanted to use the toilet, she would either have to use the one before the passport control office, where there would be an inevitably big queue in front of, shifting her bag over from one arm to the other she quickly realised that she really didn't need to use the toilet, at least not urgently.  Rounding the corner towards the large passport control area, she felt her patience and calm metaphorically sink into her boots.

Checking through the signs, she realised that as a US citizen and passport carrier, she could go for one of the shorter queues.  Ensuring once again that her passport and plane tickets were in her large tote bag hanging from her shoulder, placing them at the top of the pile, she queued up.

After what seemed like a good while in the queue and then finally getting up to the desk where a bored immigration officer simply grunted “business or pleasure” at her before stamping her passport.  Checking the time on the small wrist watch hanging around her wrist, she groaned a little when she realised that her luggage was a little delayed, she took her phone ready to ring her cousin.

“Hey Jess, it’s Darcy here, look I’m sorry but it looks as if I might be late, the baggage carousel had been delayed.”

“Oh, no that’s fine, I’m just out at the front with Nick.”

“Ok, hopefully it won’t be too long here.  I’ll hopefully see you soon”

Darcy hung up the phone glancing once again at her phone, scowling a little when she noticed the drained battery, Darcy pulled a paperback novel from her large backpack, deciding that she may as well sit down on the floor while she waited for the bags.  The book was only an airport novel, meaning that Darcy had simply bought it when she was going through Heathrow at London.  She couldn’t have told you the plot of the novel, she was reading it, just to read it rather than actually enjoying it.

Standing up and shaking the dust from the seat of her trousers (Darcy knew she had probably spent too long in English if she was starting to think like a British person), making her way over to the baggage carousel, she stood on her tiptoes as she watched for her bags.  Finally spotting her bag sliding down, Darcy made her way over and grabbed the straps of the large black rolling suitcase.

Texting her cousin to let her know that Darcy was making her way out, Darcy kicked her suitcase onto its wheels and hoisting her big backpack onto her shoulders made her way out through to arrivals area.  Letting out a massive yawn, Darcy trudged through the last part of the security.

Glancing round the large arrivals room, she looked at many people before she caught sight of a sparkly cardboard sign with what looked like a spider had drunkenly danced across the sign in the general shape of Darcy’s name.  Peering at the woman holding the sign, a short brunette with longish hair with a large pair of black plastic glasses and frames.  The woman looked slightly kooky from a distance which Darcy smiled about, maybe she would get on with this woman.

“Hello, my name is Darcy Lewis, are you Jessica Day?” Darcy made her way falteringly made her way over to the pair.

“Oh, hey Darcy, yes I’m Jess we’re just waiting for Nick, the man had to use the loo” Darcy held out her hand for the woman to shake, watching nonplussed as the woman batted away her hand before going in for a hug.

“Jess, have you found her yet?  I have to get back to the bar, god only knows what Cece is doing back there” the human equivalent of the Grumpy Cat sauntered up to the two, rubbing his damp hands on his jeans, Darcy noticed as she wrinkled her nose.

“Yes, Nick Miller this is my cousin Darcy Lewis” Jess introduced before turning back to Darcy to muse “I wonder how we didn’t know about each other before”

“You know, I don’t know but Granny was always a bit strange wasn’t she?”

“Okay, girls come on to the exit of the airport” Nick marched ahead of the two leaving Darcy with the bags.

The two walked behind Nick chattering and trying to work out whether or not their parents had actually met.  Making their way through a large multi storey car park, Darcy looked around her at all of the cars, wondering if her cousin had been bit by the Los Angeles bug and drove a little Prius.  Trying not to raise an eyebrow when she saw that Nick had stopped in front of a beat up looking old car, palming the car keys.  Reminding herself that Jess (who she had earlier been told) owned the car was probably still paying off a crazy amount of student loans and then she probably wasn’t getting paid a crazy amount as a teacher, even if she was a vice principal.

Sighing with relief when she had a seat belt to do up, you never knew after all with the old beat-up tin pots of cars.  Though there was a funny smell in the car.  Doing up her seatbelt she looked out of the window as L.A. slid slowly past as the traffic trapped the car, slowing them down, she really found she hated traffic jams sometimes!  Listening to Jess and Nick talking about a bar, regular patrons and some random drinking game they would play that night.

“So Darcy, is there anything you want to do in Los Angeles while you’re here?” Jess swung around in her seat to ask.

“Uh, no, I’ve never really been to Los Angeles, I’ve been in London the past few months, so I mainly have heard of the tourist traps, is there anything you would recommend?” Darcy asked attempting to stall for time.

“Well, you need to get an ‘In’N’Out Burger’ before you go home but it’s a bit too late to do that now, no doubt traffic will be insane.  But how about we take you back to the apartment, CeCe is living with us now anyway” Jess asked.

“Sure, sure what are the plans for tonight?” Darcy asked trying to work out what they would be doing that night.

“You know Winston?  Well, he’s at home tonight, he’s finally got a break” Nick muttered “So he was going to make a spaghetti bolognaise and we were going to play True American, wait you drink don’t you?”

Darcy snorted thinking of all the drinking she liked to do with Thor and Erik when they were both around, “Yeah, yeah I drink but what’s True American, I’ve never heard of it before”

“You wouldn’t have the guys invented it, I’ll let Schmidt explain it when we get back to the loft, I think he was the one who invented it, wasn’t he Nick?” Jess asked.

“Yeah, between him, an old roommate of ours and myself invented it, he’s probably the best at trying to explain it”

“More patience anyhow” Jess interjected, gaining her a dirty look from Nick for the interruption.

“Indeed, now be quiet I have to cross this roundabout” Darcy watched with some amusement as Jess pantomimed zipping her lips together.

Spending the rest of the car journey looking out the window, Darcy felt as if the heat had skyrocketed since she was last out in the open (thinking about this though, Darcy thought they were driving through a business district because the skyscrapers had shot up around her reaching for the sky) in London.  She tried to put all of the thoughts of the craziness that she had encountered with Jane.

That evening, after Darcy had taken a name to try and get over some of the jet lag, she had woken up to find a gorgeous tabby cat looking imperiously down at her.  Sitting up rubbing her eyes trying to get rid of some of the sleep in her eyes, she looked down in surprise when the cat crawled into her lap blinking up at her.  Shrugging her shoulders once again, Darcy dropped a hand and stroked the cat, making sure to give the little kitty a few good scratches behind the ears.

“Hey, has anyone seen Ferguson?  He’s not in my room.” She heard a male voice ask.

“No, but then he’s a cat, is he in there with Darcy?” she could Jess sarcastically ask.

“He doesn’t know Darcy, so why he would go in there?” the male voice asked sounding offended before he continued “I’ll go check”

“I’m guessing your name is Ferguson you gorgeous boy, you are just a beautiful boy aren’t you, hmm?  And just who do you belong to wee Prince?” Darcy whispered at the cat still scratching him behind the ears.

“He belongs to me” he heard the same male voice say before laughing “my name is Winston Bishop, I’m guessing your Darcy Lewis, otherwise a crazy lady had broken into our apartment to pet my beautiful cat.” Darcy stood up and held out her hand to Winston, knowing that some people could get really weird about personal space.  Watching with some bemusement as Winston batted the hand out of the way and grabbed her in a big hug.  She would rate his hug as good, but not as good as Thor’s bear hugs, but then Thor was an alien masquerading as a God, and really muscly and affectionate, seriously the guy was more affectionate than a golden Labrador sometimes!

“Well, hello people my name is Schmidt, I have returned home from work not that you children would know anything about holding a desk job” a paler than pale, dark haired man swanned into the room.  He was followed by a tall woman, with the most beautiful hair, Darcy privately wished that she had this woman’s hair.  This must be Jess’ former model best friend.

“JAR Schmidt” the new woman pointed to the jar before introducing herself “hi my name is CeCe Parekh, we grew up together in Portland, Oregon”

“Hi, I’m Darcy, sorry I was so tired after the flight.  Can anyone explain to me what True American is?”

“Oh sure, you play it with alcohol and chairs” Schmidt began not even noticing as he lost the girl in his explanation of the frankly confusing game rules.

It really wouldn’t matter that Darcy didn’t entirely understand the game, the gang in the loft were able to explain the rules as they went along.

The evening became blurred with the amount of alcohol the group were imbibing, not realising what would happen the following day.