Archive of Our Own ^beta

(Discord voice chat join sound) JADE EMPEROR is in the call with NÜWA.

N

My guy, you seriously still using the same skin? 

JE

Yea, so? It’s nice what.

N

Sure…So what’s up, broski?

JE

Nothing much with getting ass and back pain from holding up the universe. You?

N

Eh, not much, other than making the merch. 

Pause

N

Oh yea, by the way, I’m making this Bot for the server so it can help manage the thing after this round onwards. So like, new merch drop coming soon.

JE

Damn, took you long enough–it’s the 68th cycle already. What’s with the revamp?

N

Just bored lol.

JE

Okay, I see how it is. Keep the updates coming, boss. Is it safe for work?

N

Ehh, depends…I think should be PG enough.

JE

Sure, whatever you say, boss. 

Comfortable silence. It drags on for a century or two as JADE EMPEROR and NÜWA go about their activities. 

N

Homie, I gotta lock in for the merch. Talk to you later. Bye

(Discord leave call sound) NÜWA logs off

Discord voice chat join sound. NÜWA is back in the call. After a thousand years.

N

Aight chat I’m back. What’s good?

JE

(annoyed) Bro, there’s this fuckass “Monkey King”’s still here. He’s trying to get admin kena sai! Really siao eh! Wanna come fight, is it?

N

Sounds like he’s asking for it. 

JE

Yea! He’s new around here but already wants to be admin. Gives me the ick but I gave him lowest tier mod just to keep it simple but he crashed out over it. And he keeps trolling the mods I send to deal with him. I can’t with this anymore. Damn annoying sia! Xiasuay canon event.

N

Bro, chill. Don’t rage til you kana sai. Just beat him up already.

JE

Ehh I don’t really know…do I wanna? My back and ass hurts…

N

“Anything but touch grass” ahh?

JE

Yea…oh shit he’s outside my door–that’s it. I’m gonna ban the dumbass who leaked my info. I don't care. Be right back. 

JADE EMPEROR mutes himself. JADE EMPEROR leaves the call. (Discord leave call sound)

A while passes.

JADE EMPEROR joins back. (Discord voice chat sound)

JE

Okay, I put him on time-out and banned him.

N

Sheesh, that bad?

JE

He pisses me off really bad, okay?

N

Alright, do what you must. Are you gonna let him back in?

JE

I guess. I’ll send out the un-ban form in like, 500 years. He’ll get it. Again.

N

Nice. What about the snitch?

JE

Him? Eh he and two buddies left the server when I beat the guy up. Again.

N

You really gonna let that slide?

JE

Not much I can do anymore. So long as they don’t cause anymore trouble, I’m good. This ain’t the first time, remember

N

I see. Yea you’re right.

JE

There wasn’t grass to touch, by the way. It was all cooked when I got out but I think I cooked with this one. I still remember what grass is like anyway.

N

Bro thinks he’s him.

JE

What do you mean–I am him.

N

Whatever you say.

Comfortable silence. Banter ensues at times. 514 years pass.

N

Dude it’s been 500 years, how’s it going for the guy.

JE

Not gonna lie, not bad actually. I can’t be bothered with the details, there’s a book for the whole thing. I’ll send you a copy.

N

Sure, thanks. What else

JE

Had him on probation but he’s good to go now. He’s also homies with some of my mods. So we chill. He’s got serious beef with his OG buddies but oh well let him do his thing. I think he’s 基佬的(jīlǎo de):.

N

Woah there, homophobic much?

JE

Low-key…Why do you keep making monkeys?

N

Is that a problem?

JE

Nah, not really. Could do a switch-up every now and then.

N

Okay, after this round, you change your skin and I change the NPC format, deal?

JE

(considering pause) Deal.

Another 500 years pass.

N

Fam did I tell you the new merch drop date?

JE

The what now?

N

The Bot activation date.

JE

Oh…uh, no.

N

Oof. Big yikes. It’s like, right now. 

JE

You’re kidding.

N

No cap.

JE

Bruh. 

N

My bad gang.

JE

Don’t gatekeep now. What’s the bot like?

N

Another mystical monkey.

JE

(Beat) This can’t be real.

N

Erm, actually…it was supposed to be out like, really later but then this nine-headed snake ahh hacker spawned in and fumbled its code which it activated earlier than scheduled so here we are.

JE

Okay…Sis, you really need to lock in. No offence, you can’t just leave your stuff to cancel culture to deal with. This just ain’t it, chief. 

N

I know…alright. Next cycle will be MY cycle. MY victory.

JE

You got this, boss.

N

Yessir.

Pause. 

JE

Does the bot have a name?

N

Yea but I forgot–I think it’s H.O.C? 

JE

Okay. So how’s the bot now?

N

Bit cracked up but aren’t we all. It’s settled with a noodle shop now and just got adopted by a gay couple.

JE

Oh the guy got his situationship back together? Damn, good for him.

N

Uh no–his situationship’s 6 feet under, bro. Keep up.

JE

Say what now? Oh yea he also put away his big bro. Talk about family drama damn. Back to the gays, do we know them?

N

You can say so. It’s the guy’s like, travel buddies but “different font” ahh.

JE

Chat, is this some “it ain’t gay if it’s with the homies” type shit?

N

I really don’t know man. Honestly just let them do whatever so long as they don’t hurt anyone or anything. We cool. And you really need to touch more grass bro–they’re definitely back after all this time.

JE

Ehh–

N

Trust me, you need it.

JE

Woah woah woah hold up hold up a second–what about yourself, man.

N

Boy you don’t wanna go there–unlike you, I don’t have a chair so obviously I'm always hitting that gym.

JE

Fine.

N

That’s what I thought. Now hop off and get that vitamin D.

JADE EMPEROR mutes himself. JADE EMPEROR leaves the call. (Discord leave call sound)

A couple of decades have passed. 

JADE EMPEROR joins back. (Discord voice chat sound)

JE

I’m back. What’d I miss?

N

The bot got its hands on the guy’s joystick.

JE

Oh nah I’m out–

N

Wait, hear me out–

JE

Just because it’s a cycle doesn’t mean it has to be like the other 67 times…

N

Okay, okay I get it. My bad. I’ll make it up to you, I swear on my life.

JE

You better…

N

Yea, right. Anyway, do you want the tea or not?

JE

Spill.

N

Bet. So after the merch drop and steal, the bot accidentally unbanned the guy’s old bro and he and his fam’s damn mad and after the joystick. But anyway after some fighting they somewhat cool because this other admin wannabe hacked and trolled them–

JE

Woah shooketh.

N

Yea, the wannabe finessed this other mod wannabe and T-L;D-R the latter and her goons died in the process. Then she messed with the bot and his peeps, gave one or two a menty B or two. Some war crimes and Geneva convention violations were defo involved. Probably important to mention that she tried to delete the server and make a new one lol. Whoops. Plus, she revived the guy’s situationship, literally. Forgot to tell you that lol but the drama’s pretty entertaining.

JE

Damn and I just left for a few minutes, give or take.

N

“Few minutes” yea sure, buddy.

JE

Anything else?

N

Eh, not much. The guy got hacked for a bit but then the Bot fixed that problem and then they power of friendship deleted her. “Saved the world” ahh.

JE

And the guy’s situationship?

N

Somewhat okay. Give it some time; divorce is rough.

JE

How’s the bot now?

N

Okay enough. This round’s about to end anyway.

JE

Haha, true that. Get ready, lil’ bro.

N

Whenever you are, alright.

Fast forward to Season 4 Episode 10: The Jade Emperor.

JE

Ah shit.

N

What’s wrong?

JE

Remember the snitch? Yea the guy dealt with him but now he’s busted out and back with his homeboys and he’s trashing my mods real bad.

N

Oh nah.

JE

Yea…I don’t know if I want to step in like before. High-key done with this shit, bruh. 

N

Oof.

JE

He’s also being played by one of my mods? Or is he like, hacked? Identity theft ah? I don’t know man, this is a rough time for me. 

N

Come on, bro. Just hold on a bit more, trust. You’re gonna get it.  加油! (Jiāyóu）

JE

Ah you know what? Why not? This’ll be my last match of the round. My victory.

N

Okay. Good luck, bro.

JE

See you.

JADE EMPEROR leaves the call. (Discord leave call sound)

JADE EMPEROR is removed from Admin.

JADE EMPEROR is removed from Mortal Plane Of Existence Discord Server

AZURE LION is Admin.

N

Uh bro…you there? The server’s glitching real bad…it might crash…

AZURE LION transferred Admin.

AZURE LION left the server.

The server is barely intact. 

N

Dude what happened back there?

JE

I tripped on air. Lagged a bit and that got me nerfed. Didn’t think my health bar was that low but I guess sitting for a million years nerfs you too. Should’ve known.

N

Ah well happens to the best of us. You’ll get ‘em next time, bro. You always do.

JE

Damn right. I always come back.

LIJING is the current temporary Admin.

JE

So…how’s it going?

N

Ehh not good. Yea one of the mods got hacked real bad. That damn snake hacker also deleted the other mods, not all of them but still. And then he straight up dipped after transferring Admin to the bot.

JE

And...?

N

The bot? It popped by here, crashed out and trashed the place then dipped.

JE

Damn. Real rough time. Anyway, let me back in and we’ll restart the round. Whenever you’re ready.

N

About that…

JE

What?

N

The bot removed me…

JE

What the hell? This can’t be real.

N

It and its fam is the server owner now…

JE

You just had to give the clanker an existential crisis…

N

Yea, my bad.

JE

Aw screw it. What now?

N

We could touch grass and watch how the thing goes…?

JE

Or I could throttle you right now.

N

Yea, 100% deserved. Though not now, I need a nap so after my nap, ‘kay?

JE

Alright. I need a nap too.

N

See you. Take care.

JE

Peace out. Good night.

The call ends. Both JADE EMPEROR and NÜWA leave the call. (Simultaneous Discord leave call sound.)