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Greenland rocked in his seat, his hand occasionally scratching and fiddling his curls. Everyone in the waiting room was staring at him. Even those who were looking elsewhere or on their phones; they were staring, and they knew what he'd done.
The fluorescent lights were bright. Too bright. He startled at every noise, even the ones that were mostly quiet.
Greenland couldn't help but think about the last session he had with Antarctica. The session was scary and much more uncomfortable than most, but that wasn't what he was thinking about.
He made a promise to her. A promise that he'd confront his emotions. A promise that he'd face instead of avoid.
And he broke that promise. Out of cowardliness.
Greenland hid his head in his hands. The darkness in his vision was a nice break from the overbearing light. He didn't want to go in, but he knew he had to. He needed to hear what she had to say, how disappointed she was in him. He deserved to hear that.
Greenland sat up a little, trying to focus on something else. The scattered leaflets on the community notice board, talking about bad emotions and coping techniques. One of them was mostly blue, a community arts festival. He stared at that. He liked art.
"Greenland Aiuqara?"
Greenland almost jumped out of his chair upon hearing his name. He stayed sitting in his chair for a moment, looking at the woman who called his name. An intense weight held him down onto the seat. Just for a moment, he was alright with that.
"Greenland?" She called again. Reluctantly, he stood up, slowly walking towards her as she led him down to the therapist's room, keeping at his pace.
When he got to the door, he saw Antarctica, relaxing on her sofa, in her usual rather informal clothes; a grey-ish coat with a beige, fluffy hood, and some jeans. She smiled a little.
Greenland didn't want to look at her. His cheeks burned a little as he slowly shook his head, walking further in and sitting down on the sofa opposite her.
"Hi, Greenland," she greeted, her voice soothing as always. "How've you been since our last session?"
Greenland took his time to respond, his words coming out quite. "A little better." Antarctica nodded her head, typing on her laptop.
"Even that's a big success, y'know?" Greenland nodded his head just slightly, but kept the light frown. "Even if you've done some of the further releases."
Nausea crashed into his stomach, causing him to flinch. He stood up, his hands slamming into his face, before he sat down again, breathing heavily.
"What's wrong?" Antarctica asked, bending towards him slightly. He couldn't not tell her.
Greenland shook, trying to figure out a good way of saying this.
"Umm... I'm so sorry. I didn't do any." Tears prickled at Greenland's eyes, causing him to rub one of them. He released a shaky breath. "It was too scary. I couldn't do it. I couldn't even cry."
"That is perfectly understanadble."
"No, it's not. It's... I need it to heal." Greenland's back arched as his face sunk in his knees.
He couldn't help but think about what had happened.
On the last session, he'd come in not expecting much to happen. He'd seen videos of primal scream and somatic therapy online, and although they looked distressing, Antarctica was usually one to help him build up to more intense levels of therapy, instead of putting him straight in.
That wasn't what happened during the session. She'd used his triggers, hitting lightly where his abuser normally would've, and speaking in an unnaturally firm, aggressive voice. He felt dizzy and cold, and was shaking, but she still triggered him.
He couldn't stop the screams. That was when she comforted him. He lay down, his head in her lap, facing the ceiling as he screamed. All the fear, the anger, the pain, seemed to release from him, as she gently rubbed his hair and shoulders.
But after it had all finished, he felt... relief. It wasn't the relief he'd normally feel. It was like a massive weight had been lifted from him. It was like he'd never feel this trauma again, at least not to this intensity.
He'd still feel uncomfortable though, on some days. Particularly when he thought about how scared he was during the procedure.
"I couldn't do it." It was like his voice was barely hanging on, his lip quivering as tears streamed gently down his face. "I know it felt... good, but I couldn't. I'm sorry."
Greenland shakily exhaled, whimpering quietly as he rubbed his eyes. Antarctica gently stroked his hair. They stayed like this for a few moments.
"I think what you need is a better healin' environment."
"What do you mean?" Greenland slowly looked up at her, the shame still there even though he knew now that Antarctica was fine with him.
"It's not easy doin' these things, bein' on your own. Even if I was on a Zoom call with you."
"You're right." Greenland's voice was a lot more stable now.
"It would be better doing these releases here, instead of as homework." There was a bit of a pause. "Would you like to do one today?"
Greenland quickly shook his head.
"Don't worry," Antarctica smiled in response.