Archive of Our Own ^beta

Saeran wipes away the sweat that has gathered on his brow and huffs, focusing intensely on the pot of stew that's currently boiling on the stove. It still lacks a certain flavor that he can't put his finger on.

He'd been bustling all about the tiny kitchen in his brother's apartment over the last hour, adding ingredients to the meal and doing a taste test every so often to see if it satisfied. Standing over the steaming food had successfully turned his hair into a damp mop, and his forehead is covered in perspiration from the heat.

He'd never really considered cooking before, but living with a hermit who never makes his own meals eventually persuaded Saeran to take it up. He did not want to live on Honey Buddha chips and Ph.D Pepper forever, along with the occasional takeout. No, if someone had to cook in this house, he was going to be the one to do it; he doesn't trust his twin enough to try, seeing as he'd been living alone for years and still had no idea how to even turn the stove on. Saeran shudders at the idea of Saeyoung attempting to cook. The man may be a genius when it comes to hacking, but the younger brother is highly convinced Saeyoung probably has the capabilities to set the apartment on fire if he tries to make dinner himself. All Saeyoung is capable of is sandwiches. And even then Saeran watches him out of the corner of his eye just to make sure Saeyoung doesn't cut himself.

It had been difficult at first, but Saeran actually finds he enjoys looking up recipes and memorizing them. He's developed a knack for cooking now. He's always been that way, though; establishing a skill for something usually comes easy to him, and this proved useful during his times as a member of Mint Eye. He couldn't count the number of things he'd had to learn practically overnight for a particular mission or just to please the savior.

Of course he'd cooked his fair share of meals for himself at Mint Eye, but back then it was only a necessity, a means to keep living and not starve. He'd been decent at it then, but now he has time to develop more passion for it, unlike his hectic schedule in that organization. While working for Rika he barely had time to sleep, let alone eat.

Shaking those dark memories away, he reaches over and adds a couple more spices to the mix, inhaling the scent of chicken and vegetables in the dim light of the evening. Cooking distracts him from his boredom quite well. Life as a Mint Eye agent always kept him on his toes, but nowadays all he does is sleep, chat briefly in the messenger, go over to Yoosung's to play LOLOL, or dabble in other hobbies. He takes a lot of walks, too, mostly at twilight. It helps him unwind, relax, and forget about the past.

It's been nearly six months since he was rescued from Mint Eye. During the first two months he had a very difficult time adapting to his new environment; it was hard to wake up each morning and not report to the savior immediately or set to work on hacking into the next industry. Of course, Saeyoung has done his very best to support him every step of the way, almost to the point of being overbearing. Saeran can't stand him half the time, but he secretly appreciates everything his twin is doing for him. Their relationship is still a little rocky but it's definitely improved since the beginning. He doesn't shout poisonous insults or threaten to kill his brother anymore, which is something to be proud of, he supposes. He represses a cringe when he thinks about the person he'd been during all of that mess. He's changed so much since then...is it possible to completely transform oneself in only half a year?

He hears the front door open from behind him, the alarm system yapping in Arabic, and immediately curls in on himself. He knows what's coming, so he holds himself still, bracing for impact.

Right on cue, footsteps thud across the floor, and a voice, similar to his own, squeals, "Sae Sae Sae Sae Sae—!"

Saeran sighs when a body tackles his back and arms snake around his waist, his captor happily nuzzling into his shoulder. He's learned not to avoid it now; Saeyoung's hugs are nearly suffocating and impossible to escape, so he allows it. Besides, the last time he'd attempted to dodge, his twin had almost smacked his head right onto the hot stove. Explaining that to the other RFA members would not have been fun.

"I'm back," Saeyoung murmurs into his ear, giving him a squeeze. "I missed you, Sae."

Saeran simply bats his playful hands away and reaches for the pepper, taking a second to sprinkle some into the pot before reaching up to grab his twin's cheek.

"Ow ow ow—"

"Don't do that when I'm cooking, moron. You could've spilled it everywhere," he chastises, smirking when Saeyoung squeals in pain and struggles to escape his iron grip. Yeah, he could honestly care less about their dinner. He just doesn't want Saeyoung to do something stupid and injure himself in the kitchen.

...He'd never say that out loud, though.

"Okay—I'm shorry—!"

Saeran finally releases him and Saeyoung rubs his cheek, making pathetic whining noises.

"My brother is so mean to me~ What did I do to deserve this?"

Saeran rolls his eyes at his twin's overdramatic display and turns back to the stove, dabbing a finger into the soup and doing a quick taste test. Hmm. Not bad. Maybe it did just need pepper.

"Stop being so annoying and get some bowls," he says, starting to gather up all of the spices he'd used to put them away.

"Alright~ God Seven is on the case! Vroom!"

The younger twin resists the urge to snort. Honestly, how can a man in his twenties still act like a child? Perhaps Saeyoung had never hit puberty. Maybe he never grew up. That honestly wouldn't surprise him in the least.

They both sit down at Saeyoung's tiny kitchen table, which had been a mess until Saeran gave in and cleaned it for him. The whole apartment was a disaster for the longest time until Saeran started cracking down on his twin and admonishing him for being so irresponsible.

"Honestly, even I kept my living quarters cleaner than this pigsty," he'd growled, watching with merciless mint eyes as his brother cowered before him.

"Sorry..."

"Don't do it anymore! I'm serious!"

"'Kaaaaay..."

A fond smile finds its way to Saeran's lips. He occupies his mouth with food as Saeyoung launches into today's adventures, recounting an epic tale of how he'd saved a maiden in distress at the supermarket. Saeran once again rolls his eyes. His brother is definitely a storyteller for sure. Once he opens his mouth he can just blab on and on for hours without stopping.

"Hey," he says firmly, interrupting whatever spiel the older man had been on, "shut up and eat. I'm not letting any of this go to waste."

"Okay, okay~! Sorry, lil bro!" Saeyoung responds with the brightest of smiles and digs in, eyes lighting up at the peculiar yet delicious taste.

"Whoaaa! This is good! Really good, super good!" He looks positively starstruck as he chows down with vigor.

Saeran huffs and sticks up his nose. "It'd better be," he mutters, smirking a little to himself.

"Seriously though," Saeyoung laughs, finishing up the rest of his meal in a flash, "when did my Saeran get this good? Are you secretly a gourmet chef? Where'd you even learn to cook, darling?"

"Stop." Saeran glares at him, eyes icy and cold. His twin giggles nervously and shrinks under his gaze.

Eventually Saeran sighs and returns to finishing up the last of the vegetables in his bowl.

"...I practically grew up by myself. I had to learn at some point," he mumbles. The air turns awkward and full of tension.

Saeyoung looks troubled. "Saeran—"

"Whatever," he brushes it off, not wanting to think about it. "That's not important anymore. Are you done? Give me your bowl. I'll do the dishes."

The bespectacled genius silently hands him his empty bowl, watching him with wary but also curious eyes. Saeran takes their dishes over to the sink and turns the water on, letting the sound of it hitting the bottom of the basin fill the quietness. It's strange because Saeyoung isn't running his mouth as usual. Then again, whenever Saeran brings up the subject of his abandonment or Mint Eye, his twin almost always goes quiet and gets that thoughtful yet pained look on his face. Things get awkward after that, so Saeran tries to avoid talking about it as much as possible, for both his sake and his brother's.

"Saeran," a voice calls out to him from behind and he freezes, shoulders taut.

"I'm going out again tomorrow. I probably won't be back until late..."

Saeran finishes with his task and turns the water off, turning around to face his twin. Saeyoung has a smile on his face, but it contrasts with the lost look in his eyes.

"...Alright." He responds, blinking. He's not entirely sure how to handle Saeyoung in these sort of situations.

Saeyoung brightens up immediately and it almost seems as if he's a completely different person from a few moments ago.

"Great! Make sure you tell me if you go anywhere tomorrow, okay?"

Saeran sighs. And to think he was actually worried for a second. "Yeah, yeah."

"Awesome~ I promise I, the great defender of justice, will return to my Saeran safely tomorrow evening!" Saeyoung declares cutely, winking at him.

Saeran flinches and fakes gagging. "Ugh, knock it off! You're not a cute girl, stop acting like you are one!"

"Whaaat?! I'm adorable! Have you seen me in a dress?" His twin accuses, flabbergasted.

Oh god. Saeran almost chokes on his saliva.

"I'll definitely have to show you pictures sometime. MC loves it when I crossdress!" Saeyoung chirps, looking proud of himself.

Saeran folds his arms and shakes his head, mystified. "I don't know why you always try so hard to impress her. She doesn't even like you that way."

Immediately the atmosphere around his brother changes. It feels more somber. With one look at his twin Saeran realizes he's struck a cord. He winces, hoping what he said hadn't been too damaging.

Saeyoung smiles sadly and draws his knees up to his chin, wrapping his arms around his legs.

"I know that," he murmurs, looking distant. He locks gazes with Saeran and his eyes soften, resembling pools of molten gold. Suddenly the air shifts again and now Saeyoung is looking at him adoringly, his expression completely sincere.

"It's okay. No matter who she chooses, I'll be supportive of her! Besides, she does make me laugh...but nothing makes me happier than being here with you. I have you and that's all that really matters."

Saeyoung chuckles as Saeran sputters, a surprised blush having taken residence upon his face. The younger twin stares at him for a long moment, speechless. Then, he releases a frustrated noise before turning around and charging off to his room.

Saeyoung jumps out of his chair and goes to follow him, his tone teasing.

"Aww, did I embarrass you, Sae? It's true though! Only my Sae can make me smile for real~!"

"Shut up!" Saeran yelps, throwing open his door. Saeyoung manages to catch it before he slams it shut.

"Aww, bro! Don't push me away~!"

"Out. Now."

Saeyoung sulks out the door, his expression one of pure childishness. Saeran watches him go, apathetic.

Suddenly his twin turns around and shoots him a genuine smile. It's soft and sweet and he feels something inside of him melt a little.

...God dammit.

"Goodnight," Saeyoung tells him earnestly, his golden eyes bright.

Saeran rolls his eyes fondly. "Yeah, yeah. Go to bed, idiot."

"Okay~! I'll see you in my dreams, then! To the realm of sleep I go! Baam!" His twin cries out before racing to his room, arms spread out like an airplane.

"Are you in kindergarten?!" Saeran snaps, almost embarrassed by Saeyoung's display. He rubs a hand across his face, muttering quietly under his breath. Seriously, Saeyoung is going to be the death of him someday. All of this stress of dealing with him is going to build up, and then he'll die of a tragic heart failure.

What a way to go. Jesus Christ.

With a long-winded sigh, Saeran shuts his door and climbs into bed, fluffing his pillows up before settling down. Moonlight filters in through the window and spills across his sheets, looking like white ink streaked across the darkness of his room.

It was nearly impossible to sleep for the first few months of living here. Almost every night he'd be awoken by nightmares, by vivid visions of blood splattering across stone floors and feminine screams piercing his ears. On other nights it would be the sound of glass breaking and a searing pain echoing in his wrists. Now the wounds have healed; they've faded into light marks against his skin, but the scars are still there, still taunting him. He's learned to accept them now, as he's accepted the rest of the scars he's received in the past. It's just hard to look at them sometimes, because they remind him of his attempt on his life.

Saeyoung had stopped him then. Saeran doesn't remember his twin ever looking so desperate and weak than he did in that moment. Even though the situation had been grave he holds on to it, because that event proves just how much Saeyoung cares for him, even back then when he'd done nothing but shout and scream and act like a child having a tantrum. Saeyoung had taken it all in stride, had put up with all of his bullshit and whining. Now their roles are reversed—it's Saeran who has to deal with Saeyoung's bullshit all the time. It's completely different than what he'd done, but it's still hard to handle. Saeyoung just likes to mess with him because he's an asshole.

Still, he's always there when Saeran needs him the most, even in times where he doesn't want to admit that he needs help. He can't count the number of times Saeyoung has come into his room in the earliest hours of the morning to calm him down from a panic attack or a post-nightmare episode. Sometimes, when Saeran is feeling especially weak, he allows his twin to crawl into bed with him. Just having him there, being able to sense his presence nearby, is enough to soothe him back to sleep. On nights where he just wants to shut everything out, Saeyoung will pull up a chair and sit by his bed, occasionally bringing in his laptop to work on some new cat project for Jumin. Saeyoung always respects his boundaries (okay, maybe not always, if the ten thousand bone-crushing hugs have anything to say about it) and seems to sense when he needs comforting or not. When it comes to his needs his twin almost has a sixth sense. There were even a few times when he'd woken up from a nightmare to see Saeyoung already sitting there, concern written across his face like an open book. Whether or not Saeyoung had been woken by his terrified screams or just that he could somehow tell Saeran was in trouble, he couldn't say.

The nightmares haven't gone away yet, and Saeran knows it'll probably be years until they do. Until he comes to terms with everything he's done...but he's not ready for that yet. One step at a time, Saeyoung had told him softly when he was having a particularly rough day. He can't focus on it all at once, he just needs to tackle one problem at a time. He reminds himself of that constantly in order to keep himself sane.

Eventually unconsciousness swallows him whole, leaving him to flounder in the land of dreams. The last thing on his mind before he slips away is Saeyoung's smile.

When he opens his eyes, he's greeted by the familiar wallpaper of his brother's apartment. The place is trashed again. Why, he doesn't know, because he's sure he cleaned it up today (he's basically become Vanderwood's replacement in that he works like a maid to keep the place spotless). But something feels off.

His mind is all over the place, emotions raging through him like a tidal wave. He feels angry and sad and depressed and lonely and hurt, but he doesn't know why, and that frustrates him even more. This is similar to how he'd felt six months ago, trapped within his own delusions, fighting to escape and find out what was real or not. It was hard to accept that he'd lived a lie for a better part of seven years, that Rika had just been using him for her own selfish desires and didn't genuinely care for him at all. Of course back then he'd refused to understand that, and all of his negative emotions turned against him and captured him, confining him in a bubble of self-hate.

He can feel that hate coursing through him now. God, he hates everything. He hates how his life turned out, how the savior toyed with him, how his brother abandoned him. Saeyoung...he hates Saeyoung the most. He wants him to die. He wants to rid this world of him for good. His fingers twitch, begging for something to hold on to, to squeeze the life out of.

And, right then and there, the world shifts, and he finds himself face to face with his twin, whose eyes are slowly glazing over, his mouth open in a silent cry for help. He looks down and sees his hands wrapped around Saeyoung's neck, suffocating him. But this isn't how this scene ends, and he knows it. Because Saeyoung had said it himself then; Saeran can't kill him, no matter how hard he tries. He just can't.

So why are things ending up this way?

Saeyoung gags and desperately tugs at Saeran's wrists, attempting to pull him off. His face is rapidly losing color and as his struggles grow weaker, Saeran feels panic spark in his chest. No. He doesn't want this. He's not this person anymore. He's different. And he doesn't want to be part of a world where Saeyoung no longer exists.

Stop it, he tells himself. His fingers tremble and his breath shakes, but he doesn't let go. Why? Why isn't he letting go?

Just let go!

"Finally...I'm going to make you disappear." The words spring out of his mouth, unbidden. It doesn't even sound like him. The words are laced with poison, sharp as daggers.

"Die," he spits, hands gripping tighter. "Just die already!"

"S...ae...ran..." Saeyoung rasps. His honey eyes, always so bright an expressive, are milky and unfocused. His breathing is slight.

Stop it! Stop it! You're gonna kill him!

"He deserves it," he continues, smiling crazily.

No...no! Saeyoung! Saeyoung!

When the light fades from his twin's eyes and he goes limp in Saeran's grip, he screams. He doesn't know if it's him or this past version of him, but the sound that escapes is full of raw anguish, of pain and devastation.

"Saeyoung!" He cries out, voice breaking. He feels as if a part of him has been violently ripped out of his chest.

His twin isn't breathing.

"Saeyoung! Saeyoung! Saeyoung!"

He wakes up sobbing his brother's name.

The rays of moonlight have danced across his room, landing on the opposite wall. He's covered in his own sweat and tears.

Everything feels hot and cold all at once, and he can feel a panic attack coming on. He struggles to get his breathing under control. It isn't working.

He tells himself that it was just another nightmare. It isn't something to be afraid of, because it isn't real. Even so, it had felt real, even down to the sensation of Saeyoung's fingers prying at the hands choking him. Another sob leaps out of his throat and he gasps, slapping a hand over his mouth in an attempt to stifle his noises. God, he doesn't even know how Saeyoung can still put up with living with him. If this is how every night is going to go, he won't blame his twin if he kicks him out for making such a ruckus at three in the morning.

And right on cue, his bedroom door flies open. Saeyoung dashes in, eyes wide and breathing erratic, and upon seeing his current state quickly rushes over to his side.

"Saeran," he starts, crouching down by his bed. He looks scared and pale, as he always does, and worried even more so. His twin is the biggest worrywart Saeran's ever met.

"Saeran...deep breaths. Come on, you can do it. In...and out. In...and—there you go. Just like that. Keep breathing, Saeran. I'm right here." His voice is so soft, so calming, that Saeran can't help but listen to him.

He inhales nervously and breathes back out again, watching as some of the color comes back to his brother's cheeks. After a few moments, Saeran sighs, eyes drooping tiredly. He wants to go back to sleep already, but he's afraid he'll have that dream again, so he forces himself to stay awake.

"You okay?" Saeyoung whispers, looking truly concerned. Saeran gives him a small nod, all he can manage at the moment. He feels too shaken up to even speak, so he remains silent.

Saeyoung seems to know just how unstable he is at the moment, for his expression turns into a determined one. He stands up and walks around the bed, stopping at the other end to pull the sheets up and slide in. Saeran flips over, mouth open and ready to tell him that he's fine, he doesn't need him anymore, but something in Saeyoung's eyes stops any coherent thought and he shuts up.

"Mmmh," Saeyoung breathes in deeply, eyes closed. "It's warm. A little too warm...do you have a fever?" And without warning he reaches over and lays a palm across Saeran's forehead. His mouth twitches into a worried frown.

"You're burning up," he observes, pursing his lips. "But maybe that's just the nightmare? Well, I'll check your temperature in the morning."

Saeran is too exhausted to form a response, so he simply blinks in acknowledgement. Come morning Saeyoung will be all over him with water bottles and wet washcloths, begging to take care of him, and as usual he'll kick him out of his room. He decides then that he'll let his twin have this moment of him giving in for once.

Saeyoung reaches over once more, this time his hand finding Saeran's and interlocking their fingers. Immediately the younger brother is reminded of those times at home, after an awful night of being beaten by his mother, and how Saeyoung would hold his hand and whisper words of comfort until he fell asleep. The nostalgia of it all makes the emotions inside of him rise rapidly. It's hard not to cry.

"You know," Saeyoung starts, his eyes-half lidded. The moonlight catches the top of his head, giving him a white halo. He looks like an angel. Like a 'Luciel'.

"Right now...we really do look like twins." His eyes lock with Saeran's, gold reflecting upon gold. It's such an unusual eye color, and both of them are gifted with it. Gold is a color that symbolizes courage, passion and wisdom, all traits that Saeyoung possesses. But what about him? He's not brave or overly spirited about anything. Is that why he feels the need to hide the bright yellow of his eyes? He wears color contacts, the same ones he'd worn at Mint Eye. Mint green...green stands for greed, ambition and jealousy. Heh. That suits him quite well, doesn't it?

"Saeran," Saeyoung mumbles, his eyes fluttering shut. He looks as sleepy as Saeran feels. "Saeran...I'm really glad...you're here."

Saeran's eyes widen, but he doesn't have the time to answer for his twin has already drifted off, fingers squeezing his briefly. His mouth is open the slightest fraction, and breaths escape him softly. He looks almost ethereal this way, an angel sent down from heaven to rescue Saeran from a life of hell. But that's what Saeyoung is, isn't he? His savior. Not Rika. Saeyoung is his true savior.

Saeran finally allows himself to fall back into slumber, the sound of his brother's breathing and the feeling of a soft hand holding his lulling him to sleep.

It's been fifteen minutes.

At least, that's what Saeran's internal clock tells him when he's startled awake by the sound of a breathy whimper. He lifts his free hand up to rub at his eyes, his vision still blurry from sleep as he looks around in an attempt to locate the sound.

Suddenly someone squeezes his hand, tight, and he withholds a startled squawk of surprise. The pressure is high and it hurts, and when he finally gazes over to lay eyes on his twin he's shocked to see Saeyoung's face twisted into an expression of fear.

Curious, and slightly wary, Saeran props himself up on one elbow, leaning over to see his brother better. His contacts are out and his sight is awful so it's hard to make out the details, but it looks like Saeyoung is trapped within a dreadful nightmare, not unlike the one he'd just experienced a mere thirty minutes before.

It's really weird to watch this, since it's usually him who is put through terrible dreams each night. A dreadful feeling settles into the pit of his stomach. No...it can't be.

Could Saeyoung be experiencing reoccurring nightmares as well, and hasn't told him because he doesn't want him to worry? But he's never had one around Saeran before. Usually when his twin comes to sleep with him he's out like a light, not making any disturbance until the next morning, when Saeran is usually greeted by an overly cheerful morning hug (more like morning tackle).

Saeran swallows down the feeling of guilt in his chest and shakes his head. No. He isn't going to sit here and watch this happen.

Saeyoung's saved him from his nightmares so many times...now it's his turn.

"Saeyoung," he starts, gently shaking his brother's shoulder with his free hand. The other is still grasped tightly in Saeyoung's own.

A pitiful noise whooshes out of Saeyoung's mouth, one that makes Saeran's heart ache. It hurts to see his twin this way.

"Saeyoung," he repeats, more firmly this time. He gives Saeyoung's shoulder a shove, and a startled, "No!" bursts from his lips.

"Don't—" He cuts himself off, a cry of despair following. He looks so very sad. Saeran wants to take that pain away.

"Saeyoung hyung," he murmurs pleadingly, squeezing his twin's shoulder in one last attempt to rouse him.

Saeyoung's eyes snap open and he chokes out a petrified gasp, almost flailing under Saeran's hold. The younger twin grunts and holds him steady, the hand on his shoulder trembling with effort. Saeyoung stops moving, but the look in his eyes is frantic. His gaze darts over to Saeran's hand, and he bites down on his lip before reaching up to grasp his twin's wrist. Hard.

"Saeyo—" Saeran doesn't even manage to get out his twin's name before he almost flips out of bed with the force of Saeyoung's sudden embrace.

"Don't go," Saeyoung begs, clinging to him tightly. "Don't—don't leave me, Saeran!"

Saeran doesn't know what to do. Usually it's Saeyoung that does the comforting. It's always been Saeyoung who has put on bright smiles and tells him everything will be okay. How the hell is he supposed to tell his twin the same when he's so close to breaking?

Finally he moves forward, awkwardly shifting about so that his arms wrap around his brother. Saeyoung is trembling and shaking, and his breath stutters as he gasps for air. Saeran holds him closely, trying his very best to control Saeyoung's violent shaking.

"Easy," he murmurs, burying his nose into his twin's cherry locks. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Stay with me," his twin pleads brokenly. "Saeran..."

"It's okay, hyung," Saeran allows himself to refer to his twin by that childhood pet name, just this once. "It's alright. I'm not going to...to leave. I swear."

It's funny. Saeran almost can't believe that it had been Saeyoung whispering comforting words to him earlier. Right now his twin seems so weak, so desperate, so completely out of character that Saeran's caught off guard. It's not like Saeyoung to act this way, not at all. What could have possibly set him off?

Saeyoung squeezes his wrist, where his scars are, and then everything falls into place. Of course. What else would his twin dream about that's so horrifying to him?

That day, when he'd felt so empty and lost, when he finally decided to give up and end his life, Saeyoung had been there, pleading for him to stay. All that time he'd been fighting a losing battle, standing no chance against the storm that was his twin. Even when he'd tried to choke him to death he couldn't do it, that hesitancy buried deep inside of him rising to the surface and effectively stopping him in his tracks. That day had been a terrifying ordeal for both of them, for different reasons.

"What do you want?" Saeyoung begs him tearfully. "Tell me, and I'll give it to you. I'll give you anything. I'll give you the moon if you want it. Just don't go!"

Saeran exhales shakily and continues to hold his brother, the best form of comfort he can give. His bites down on his lip, not knowing how to answer. This only seems to make Saeyoung even more desperate.

"Saeran," he sobs, squeezing him tight. "Saeran, Saeran, please...p-please..."

Unable to bear listening to his twin in so much pain any further, Saeran pulls out of his grip and looks straight into his eyes.

"I don't want anything," he finally says, his voice soft and nervous. "I just want you. Only you."

"M...me?" Saeyoung whispers, his voice cracking.

Saeran huffs and reaches up to pinch his twins cheeks. Now is definitely not the best time to do this but this is the only way he feels he can express himself properly without burying himself under the covers of his bed in embarrassment.

Saeyoung squeaks and releases a pathetic sort of noise as Saeran still pulls on his face.

"Yes, idiot," Saeran huffs. When is his brother going to return to his cheerful self? He honestly doesn't know. But maybe talking like this will help him.

"Why else do you think I've put up with you for this long? God, you're so stupid," he continues. Much to his chagrin, he can feel his cheeks heating up. "You said earlier...that I make you happy. Well, you...you also, uh..." He growls, frustrated. "Dammit, what I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't be here if you didn't make me happy too! You moron!"

Saeyoung gapes at him, completely shocked. "Saeran..."

"And I know I've been a major pain in the ass. I'm not sorry about that, but still," he gruffs, crossing his arms. "Honestly, after everything I said and did to you...I'm surprised you haven't left me."

Saeyoung's eyes go wide with panic, and he shakes his head furiously. "No, no, Saeran, I'd never leave you—never—"

"You don't have to hide it, Saeyoung," he snaps, emotions sparking in his eyes. "I know. I know...how much I hurt you. I hurt you here..." And he tentatively places his fingertips over his twin's beating heart, feeling the erratic thrumming underneath his fingers.

Saeyoung's expression twists into one of grief. His voice is quiet, timid, in the night. "But I hurt you more. So much more."

Saeran shakes his head, trying his very best not to get exasperated. With the notorious 707 as his brother, it's pretty difficult. "This isn't about what you did to me, idiot. I'm talking about what I've done to you. So shut up."

Thankfully, as he asked, Saeyoung falls silent, saffron eyes watching him carefully. Saeran breathes out a long sigh and allows himself to relax. The tension seeps out of his shoulders and his palm rests more comfortably over Saeyoung's heart. It beats steadily, reminding him that his twin is still here with him, alive and well.

I tried to kill him, a taunting voice inside his head reminds him, and he shuts his eyes. God...had he really? It had only been a few months since that incident, but already his world has changed so much. His feelings towards Saeyoung have shifted too, but he won't take it back for an instant.

He's honestly so relieved and grateful that Saeyoung had decided to stick it out and support him throughout that whole mess. Of course he'd never put that into words, seeing how embarrassing that would be for him to say aloud, but he's sure Saeyoung already knows. Saeran used to despise the connection between them, as frayed as it was, but over the months it began to mend once again, threading itself back together the longer they spend time around each other. It's so easy for Saeyoung to sense when something is wrong now, that aspect of him having grown stronger since their relationship had been repaired. At times it proved to be a little annoying...like when he'd slipped in the shower and hit his head on the soap bar. Saeyoung had come crashing through the door frantically, disturbing his privacy and effectively humiliating him—it was even worse when his twin began to fret over him constantly, not letting him out of his sight for more than five minutes. Saeran chuckles at the memory. It seems that Saeyoung is even more protective of him now that they're at each other's sides again. And he thought that when they were children his twin was going a bit overboard.

With a quiet sigh Saeran stops holding himself up and promptly flops on top of his twin, smirking in satisfaction when Saeyoung squawks in surprise. The turquoise-eyed man shifts and nuzzles into the hollow of his brother's throat. He breathes in deeply, inhaling the scent of Honey Buddha chips and Ph.D Pepper, along with the fragrance that's just Saeyoung, something so familiar and comforting that he has to smile a little. It's a nostalgic scent that hasn't changed since their childhood, one that he can never forget, no matter how hard he tries.

They lay in silence for what seems like ages, simply taking in the other's presence and holding it there. Eventually Saeyoung moves, one of his hands reaching up to thread through Saeran's red locks, fingers gently untangling the strands. Saeran releases a pleased hum, tilting his head further into the movement. He's always been a bit of an attention hog, probably due to the fact that he was so neglected as a child. Even now when he's surrounded by the RFA, by his friends, he seeks out the attention of the person he treasures most—he almost laughs when he realizes; he'd made a flashy entrance in order to kidnap MC when Saeyoung had been there too, proving how he wanted his twin to dote on him and focus on him more even then.

Now that it seems as if he has Saeyoung's undivided attention, he wants more of it. He's greedy in that way. He wants all of it—he'll take everything Saeyoung has to give until there's nothing left. And yet when Saeyoung offers him praises, he's always so reluctant to accept them. His mouth curves into a frown, one that doesn't go unnoticed by his brother.

"Saeran?" Saeyoung whispers. The way he says it, so raw and uncertain, makes Saeran's heart ache. God, when had he become such a wuss? Getting worked up so easily over these things happens often now. He almost can't believe the type of person he'd been only six months ago. How could things have changed so drastically?

Saeran lifts his head to look at him, slightly wary.

"Saranghaeyo," Saeyoung whispers earnestly, nuzzling against his nose. Saeran flushes a pink that reaches the tips of his ears. He scowls and looks away, thoroughly embarrassed.

"God..." He mumbles, resisting the urge to jump out of bed and run away, "You're such a giant sap...I want to throw up."

"Boo," Saeyoung pouts, looking offended. "You're no fun! You're supposed to say it back to me, Saeran."

"Ugh," he groans, annoyed. Saeyoung sticks his lip out farther and sulks. He looks like a five-year-old who was just told they weren't allowed to eat any more sweets, but at least he seems to be acting like his usual self now. Apparently being honest did them both some good after all.

An awkward silence fills the air between them. Saeran refuses to meet his twin's eyes, who he's sure is staring at him fixedly, waiting for a response. And Saeran begrudgingly realizes just how stubborn his brother is. He won't relent until he gets an answer.

Finally, Saeran sighs. It's long and tired, a sigh that signifies he's given up. He's exhausted and he wants to go back to sleep, so he looks back and is met with a sea of gold. The colors are mesmerizing.

"Saranghae." It comes out as a mumble, but it's honest and truthful. Immediately those eyes light up and are filled with unspeakable joy.

"Saeran..." His twin starts, nearly breathless.

Saeran moves back and shoves his face into his pillow, cheeks burning. "Shut up and go to sleep, moron."

A chuckle sounds from Saeyoung's direction.

"Saranghaeyo, Saeran~!"

"Go to sleep!"

"Ahahaha—ouch! Ow! Okay, okay—oww!"

Saeran withdraws his weapon (a pillow) and promptly turns the other way, facing away from his twin. Saeyoung is stifling laughter from behind him, but eventually he settles down and the room falls silent once more.

Exhaustion takes hold and it doesn't take long for Saeran to fall back asleep. Before he succumbs to the warm darkness, however, he feels a pair of arms hug him from behind and lips in his hair.

Needless to say, he's positive he won't be woken by nightmares this time.

When the sun creeps in through the blinds the next morning, half of the bed is empty and there's a glass of water and a note by Saeran's bedside table. Groggily, he reaches over and plucks it from the desk, bringing it close to his eyes in order to see it properly.

Saeran,

I got called in early this morning and I didn't want to wake you. I left you some water on the table. If you need medicine it's in the bathroom! Don't overdose! And don't forget to take your pills, okay? If you go anywhere be sure to text me! I promise I'll come riding home tonight on a white stallion to see you, my maiden! Have a good day!

Smooches! I love you!

-Saeyoung

"Dear god..." Saeran groans, rolling over. He closes his eyes and breathes in the remaining traces of his twin's scent. He was right in the assumption that Saeyoung would be all over him with worry. At least his brother was kind enough to let him sleep in.

A pang of worry echoes through his chest. Is Saeyoung himself doing alright? After his nightmare and their conversation last night, he seemed to be doing okay, and seeing his usual peppy attitude infused with the note helped relieve Saeran's worries a little more, but he's still unsure. He'll have to keep a close eye on Saeyoung when he comes home tonight.

Finally he pulls himself out of bed and drags himself into the bathroom to go through his usual morning routine: doing his business, brushing his teeth, taking his pills, and putting in his contacts so he can actually see.

Padding back into the room after it's all done, Saeran takes a moment to check the time, and is shocked when he sees it's practically noon. He'd slept for that long? Well, he had been up for quite a while the night before, and lately he hadn't been sleeping great, but still...

He scrolls through the previous chatrooms in the RFA messenger, shaking his head amusedly at the usual shenanigans of the group; Jumin talking about cats, Zen being disgusted and then going on to narcissistically praising himself, Jaehee avidly supporting him, Yoosung talking about games, his brother being the usual idiot he is, and MC chiming in every now and then to brighten everyone's day. A gentle smile settles on his lips. Despite their differences, everyone in the RFA gets along really well, and they'd welcomed him with open arms. They're a weird group for sure, but he wouldn't have it any other way. He really does like them all, even with their strange quirks and hobbies. He isn't sure how to describe how he feels when he's with them...but for the first time, it kind of feels like he actually belongs somewhere.

With a grunt he stretches his arms, relishing in the feeling it gives him, and makes his way out into the living room and then into the kitchen. He pours himself a bowl of cereal and goes about eating it thoughtlessly, his mind drifting as he stares at the wall in a haze.

Suddenly his phone erupts into loud song, and he almost falls out of his chair in shock. Getting ahold of himself, he pulls it out of his pocket and stares at it suspiciously. Did Saeyoung hack into it and set bizarre ringtones for everyone?

He notices the caller ID is from Yoosung, so he decides to answer it. Lifting it to his ear, he barely manages to get out a hello before Yoosung responds in a voice laced with panic.

"Saeran, where are you?!" He cries.

"Huh?" Saeran answers dumbly. He's still half-asleep. "I'm at home...why?"

Yoosung releases a frustrated noise. "You forgot, didn't you? I told you to be here by noon for the LOLOL tournament!"

It takes a second for the statement to sink into his foggy brain. When it does, he pales.

"Aw, shit..."

"No kidding! I've had to manage this round entirely by myself!" Yoosung wails, sounding not at all like the 20 year-old he actually is. "Just—get over here as quick as you can, alright? I'm not going to give up my position as second best player just because you're late!"

His phone beeps and he looks at it to see the energetic blonde man has hung up.

Saeran hurriedly tosses his dishes into the sink before throwing on some clothes and cursing to himself. How could he have forgotten? He'd planned this with Yoosung a week ago. Yoosung even warned him to be there on time otherwise they could risk losing the whole thing.

He rushes all over the house in preparation to leave, grabbing his controller and keys. It's not unusual for him to go over to Yoosung's and play LOLOL together. Out of everyone in the RFA, excluding his brother, Yoosung is probably the person he's closest to and gets along with the best. It's easy since the man is always so cheerful and kind, and his habit of playing games 24/7 is humorous to Saeran. Still, Yoosung is pretty good at it, being ranked second on the list of best players on the LOLOL server, right behind Saeyoung, who is number one. Saeran isn't as good as either of them, but he's improved rapidly over the past few months of playing, enough that Yoosung considers him to be a worthwhile ally to compete with in professional tournaments.

He flies out the door, ignoring the security system's blabbering, and opens the door to his car.

Once Saeyoung was sure he was stable enough, he'd gone and bought him his own car. Of course, it isn't as nice as Saeyoung's own "babies" (he cringes every time he hears his brother call his cars that), but it's nice enough. Honestly, he has no idea why or how his brother got so many nice cars, but he pushes the thought aside before jamming the keys into the ignition and taking off.

The drive to Yoosung's isn't far, especially if he speeds. On the way he takes a moment to admire the city life, watching as people converse and shop. It's Saturday, after all, so it's natural.

Eventually he finds himself parking at the university's dorms. He turns the car off, double-checking to make sure he has his keys, phone and game controller, and then he quickly finds his way to Yoosung's dorm and knocks on the door.

"Door's open!" The response is muffled and high, and Saeran realizes Yoosung must be in a particularly rough spot in the round right now. He opens the door and dashes into the blonde's bedroom, kicking off his shoes and taking a place next to Yoosung. He looks nervous and tense as his fingers tap away.

"Sorry I'm late," Saeran puffs, out of breath. He connects his controller to the younger man's computer and logs in. Yoosung sighs in relief once the round ends, allowing Saeran to join in for the next one.

"It's okay," he answers breathlessly. "Just don't do it again! I wasn't sure if I could win this time..."

"Nah, don't say that," Saeran mutters, mentally preparing himself for the upcoming round. He quickly checks his items and his money before nodding to himself in approval. He's stocked up pretty well.

"Okaaaay," Yoosung breathes, looking intense and focused. "Here we go. You take defense?"

"I usually do." The ruby-haired man agrees. He pulls out a hair clip from his pocket and pins his bangs back, settling into a hunched position on the carpet and crossing his legs.

"It's starting!" Yoosung immediately takes charge, his character launching into the ranks of enemies and tearing them asunder. Saeran is by his side as backup, ready to fight off anyone who plans to sneak up from behind.

Their energetic shouts and orders are all that fill the air for the next several hours.

707 has entered the chatroom.

707: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Zen: Whoa what?

Jaehee: Saeyoung?

Jumin: Have you finally lost your mind?

707: Shut up Jumin I'm serious here!

Zen: OOOH

MC: Seven, what's wrong?

707: It's an emergency! My precious lil bro

Jaehee: Saeran?

707: IS MISSING!

Zen: WHAT?!

Jumin: That's not good.

MC: Really? Are you sure?

707: I just got home and his car is gone and he's not in the house and he won't answer his phone! I've called him like 50 times!

Jumin: That's a bit excessive.

Zen: He's exaggerating, genius.

Jumin: I thought Saeyoung was the genius?

Zen: Omg are you serious right now

Jumin: I'm always serious.

Jaehee: Are you sure he didn't just go shopping or something?

707: NO NO NO! He would have told me if he did! What if he was kidnapped?!

Jumin: I'll send out some people to look for him.

Zen: Yeah! We gotta find him ASAP!

MC: Let's not resort to that just yet...

Jaehee: Please.

707: WAAAH YOU GUYS I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Jumin: Did you check the security cameras?

707: Oh! Jumin you're so smart I totally haven't done that yet!

MC: Wait just a second

Zen: ?

MC: Yoosung hasn't logged in for quite a while either. Don't you think they might be together?

707 has logged out of the chatroom.

Zen: There he goes

Jaehee: Do you think he has an idea of where they could be?

Jumin: They're at Yoosung's dorm playing games. Where else would they be?

MC: Lol I'm worried about Saeran. He's not gonna hear the end of it once Saeyoung gets there

Zen: Yeah lol Saeyoung is such an overprotective brother

Jaehee: I'm sure everything will be fine. Mr. Han? We have a meeting in five.

Jumin: Right. Let's get this overwith.

Zen: I'd better take off too! I have to go practice my lines!

MC: Okay, then I'll be going too. Bye guys!

Zen: See you!

Jumin: Bye.

Jaehee: Goodbye, MC.

Jumin has logged out of the chatroom.

Jaehee has logged out of the chatroom.

Zen has logged out of the chatroom.

MC has logged out of the chatroom.

Saeran can't be sure how many hours have passed since he'd first arrived at Yoosung's dorm room, but he can tell at a glance that night has fallen outside and the stars are out, twinkling faintly in the dark sky.

They'd managed to do fairly well in the tournament, winning almost every round. They'd lost a few, of course, due to bad luck on their part and special items on the other team's, but he wasn't all too worried.

Saeran rubs his eyes and steals a glance at the loading screen. Their points are being added up now, and if all goes well they'll end up in first place. He sincerely hopes so. He and Yoosung had kicked some major ass today, so surely that will pay off in the end, right?

With a sigh he looks down at the blonde-haired man, who is currently clinging to him, soft snores coming out of his mouth. He hadn't slept for two days prior to this event, so it seems he's catching up on it now that the game is over. Saeran had attempted to pry Yoosung off of him but the blonde has an iron grip and absolutely refuses to let go. Occasionally he'll mumble a quiet "Rika" that makes shivers race up Saeran's spine. He knows just how close Yoosung is to Rika; they're cousins, after all, and Rika's currently recovering at some facility up north, but that doesn't mean he's forgiven her for everything she's done. He doubts he ever will. It was her fault—and V's—for separating him and Saeyoung when they were younger. Of course Saeyoung himself had taken part in that decision too, but Rika and V were the ones to propose it in the first place.

Saeran blinks in alarm when he realizes he hasn't checked his phone in several hours. Saeyoung is probably home by now and is wondering where he's gone. He digs into his pocket to look at his messages but before he can fish it out the bedroom door opens.

Standing there, breathless and worried, is his twin. He appears completely ruffled and out of place, like he'd ran all the way there. Saeran regards him with shock. What the hell is he doing here?

"Saeran...you're here..." Saeyoung whispers, looking thoroughly relieved.

"Uh..." He doesn't know what to say. Sorry? But he's not at fault. He'd just gone to play some video games, no big deal. So why does he feel guilty?

Saeyoung's expression hardens and he pushes up his glasses. The light from the room reflects upon them and masks his eyes.

"We're going home. Now." It's not a question, it's a statement, and it sounds furious. Saeran swallows and his fingers twitch nervously.

It's extremely rare for Saeyoung to get angry, but this time it seems genuine, and it's aimed right at him. His brother can be a terrifying person when he's mad.

"Yoosung," Saeran murmurs, giving the man a shove. He has to wake him up so he can leave.

"Hmmuh?" The blonde sniffs and raises his head, looking around warily.

"I have to go," Saeran says, finally tearing himself from the man's loosened grip and grabs his controller.

"Wait! Don't you want to see the—"

Saeran waves him a hasty goodbye and follows his twin out the door, closing it behind him.

"—results?"

Yoosung stares at his door, completely confused. What just happened?

The drive home is tense and silent. Saeyoung's knuckles are white as he holds onto the wheel, his jaw taut and his eyebrows drawn in. Saeran fidgets in the seat next to him, unsure of what to do. Does he start a conversation? Or does he say nothing and let Saeyoung quietly blow off steam?

Saeyoung had marched him right into the car, not even considering to let him drive home in his own vehicle. He'll have to go get it tomorrow, he decides. If Saeyoung isn't willing to cooperate he'll call Jumin and ask the corporate heir to send his driver over.

When they arrive at home Saeyoung parks the car and turns off the ignition. He sits there for a long time, not moving. Saeran is honestly considering escaping right now before his twin blows up on him.

Finally Saeyoung sighs, a long and drawn out one. He looks at Saeran, his expression unreadable. He's definitely utilizing his poker face right now.

"Come on. I got takeout." That's all he says before he exits the car and heads into the building, Saeran trailing behind him hesitantly.

Once he's inside, Saeran toes off his shoes and sets his phone and keys on the counter. Saeyoung is already on the couch, munching on Chinese food. Saeran debates on holing himself up in his room for the rest of his night or acting like a man and facing his brother head on. He pauses, deep in thought.

Alright, he's going to talk to Saeyoung. What is he so scared about, anyway? He'd almost killed the man before, there aren't many more boundaries between them now.

Saeran takes a seat beside him, twiddling his thumbs. Even though he'd decided that, he doesn't know what to say. He's always bad at talking to people, starting conversations. That's something Saeran is better at.

"You were pretty cuddly with Yoosung earlier."

The comment comes out of nowhere, and Saeran blinks in shock when he registers the surly look on his twin's face. Saeyoung won't meet his gaze and his cheeks are puffed up in annoyance, amber eyes glittering with a strange emotion Saeran can't put his finger on. It isn't rare for his brother to become clingy and overprotective like this; however, this time is definitely different from all other times. Why, he isn't sure, but it's a feeling that lingers in his chest, burning red hot like a searing flame.

For some bizarre reason he doesn't brush it off. He actually feels like he needs to justify himself.

"We weren't cuddling. He just fell asleep on me after we finished a round and I couldn't shake him off."

Saeyoung pouts even more, which he hadn't thought possible. "You could've easily pushed him away."

The younger twin releases a frustrated groan. Why is Saeyoung being so stubborn and annoying?

"I couldn't! He was clinging to me like he thought I was one of his stuffed animals! I tried waking him up but the next round started so I had to work two controllers at once because I know he'd be on my ass if he woke up to find he'd lost—"

Suddenly Saeyoung leans forward and envelops him in an embrace, squeezing him so tightly he can feel the air whooshing out of his lungs.

"Saeran," he says, and it sounds so fragile and broken that Saeran almost opens his mouth to beg for his forgiveness, but Saeyoung has nothing to forgive him for.

"Saeran..." He repeats, sighing quietly into his ear. They sit in silence for several moments, not moving. Saeran holds his breath, completely unsure of what to do in this situation. Saeyoung's hugged him plenty of times before, yes, but he's never felt this vulnerable, at least not since the glass incident many months before.

"Don't...don't go to Yoosung's anymore. Not without telling me first. Okay?" He whispers, voice cracking halfway through the request.

And then Saeran understands. Saeyoung had come home, fully expecting him to be there, and when he wasn't he'd probably had something very close to a full blown panic attack before assaulting the chatroom and rushing right over when he realized where his twin had gone. Saeran exhales deeply and reaches up to bury his fingers in his twin's hair, the best form of comfort he can give at the moment.

"...Yeah. Sorry." The apology comes out earnest and not forced like his apologies usually are. Saeyoung knows this too, for he nuzzles happily against Saeran's shoulder, the tension in his shoulders having disappeared.

He almost always tells Saeyoung if he's going somewhere. It's routine. It's natural. It's confirmation that his twin knows where he is at all times and that he's safe. He's never asked the same thing of Saeyoung but the golden-eyed man tells him anyway, if only to make things fair. Even if he's just going on a short shopping trip, he notifies Saeran exactly where he's going and when he'll be back. Because of everything they'd been through, it's developed into a habit in order to ensure that the other is healthy and safe wherever they go. But in his haste to give Yoosung backup for the LoLoL tournament, Saeran had completely forgotten to shoot his brother a text, which reasonably lead to Saeyoung's total freakout.

"And no more cuddling with Yoosung," Saeyoung states, pulling away to look him straight in the eyes, his hands still resting on his sibling's shoulders.

Saeran opens his mouth to protest, "I wasn't—"

He's cut off when Saeyoung darts forward and snatches a quick kiss, his eyes dancing with mischievousness. The younger twin barely has any time to form a response to that in his brain while Saeyoung winks at him.

"You can only do that with me. Alright~?"

Saeran's mouth opens and closes like a fish. "Wh—wh—"

And, being the genius he is, Saeyoung is smart enough to escape the room in a fit of giggles before Saeran finally gets ahold of himself enough to shout after him.

"S—Saeyoung, you asshole! I can't believe you! Get back here!"

All he gets in response is a peal of laughter from the other room. And then,

"My brother is so cute~! I want to take him to the moon!"

"Fuck you!"

Saeran breathes in and out harshly, his face a bright shade of pink as he listens to his twin thoroughly enjoy his embarrassment.

Suddenly the realization strikes him and he can't help but flush at the thought. The emotion he'd seen in his twin's eyes earlier...it's so obvious now. Saeyoung had been jealous.

A snort escapes him and he grins, his fingers reaching up to touch the spot where Saeyoung had kissed him.

It feels warm. He feels warm. And happy. And loved.

Saeran smiles to himself, a genuine one, and chuckles.

Idiot.