Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“This is the call to the broken,

To all the ones who been thrown away,

This is the call to the broken,

Stand up and take back your world today”

• 3 Doors Down (The Broken)

Luke sluggishly gets out of his old beat up car, locking it as he heads towards the hell house people referred to as high school. He shouldn’t even be here, it’s a saturday and he should be sleeping in or at a concert but instead he’s at school for detention. He glances up at the school as he walks inside, there’s only two floors and no windows. It’s brick walls remind Luke of a prison, though he’s never been there before. It’s his senior year and he’s almost done with this place. Soon he can leave this awful place behind him and go on to experience new and greater things. He makes his way to the detention hall and enters the designated classroom. He’s the first one to arrive, which surprises him cause detention starts in 5 minutes, then again the only people in detention are those who are late to class everyday or start fights in the cafeteria or never do their homework. Luke doesn’t do any of these things, yet he still ended up here. He takes a seat in the back, not wanting to be noticed despite being the only one in the room. A few minutes pass before a boy in his grade enters. He recognizes his black hair and the way he acts as if Luke doesn’t exist, as if he’s too good for him.

“What are you doing here Hemmings? I thought you were a nerd,” he mumbles at him. The blonde rolls his blue eyes, he’s used to the black haired boy teasing and making fun of him. It was only last week that he had shoved him into the lockers.

“And I thought you were a jerk, oh wait you are,” Luke snaps back. Calum just chuckles at him as someone else enters the room. He has newly dyed blue hair and dull green eyes. He wears a Mayday Parade shirt and black skinny jeans, bracelets cover his pale arms. Neither of the boys in the room greet him. He’s gone to the same school as them his entire life but neither of them remember his name. Michael takes a seat over by the one window in the entire school. He stares out it but doesn’t say a word. The teacher enters the room next, he’s about to close the door when Ashton Irwin rushes in. His long dirty blonde hair is tied back with a bandana. He slips into a seat as the teacher turns to the board.

“Welcome to detention, you have one hour to sit here and reflect on what brought you here. I will be across the hall grading papers, if any of you dare to try to sneak out you’ll get suspended,” He tells them before he writes their dismissal time on the board and leaves the room. They all sit there in silence, each off in their own world. Luke scans the room. Mitchel or was it Michael, was still staring out the window. He’s never heard him speak in all the years they’ve gone to school together, then again Luke has never said a word to him in return. His blue eyes glance over to Calum who is texting on his phone. Him and Calum have exchanged words before but never good ones. Calum’s in the popular group that spends their life trying to ruin Luke’s. He’s not sure why they hate him so much, maybe it’s because he’s not one of them. He doesn’t fit in, he’s different because he’s actually smart and listens to punk. His gaze shifts to Ashton. Everyone knows Ashton, or more so know of him. He’s just about late everyday to every class and gets into fights all the time. He’s the school’s drug dealer, though he doesn’t do any drugs himself which surprises people. He’s never gotten caught or gone to jail despite popular belief. And then there’s him, Luke Hemmings, the boy who always turns his homework in on time, who spends his weekends going to concerts and doing school work, he’s on the school’s honor roll. A jock, a nerd, a nobody, and a troublemaker all in the same room for different reasons. They seem completely different yet they are the same. Ashton is the one who breaks the silence.

“What’d you guys do to get in here?” he asks them. Each of them glance up at him, none of them speaking.

“Why should we tell you?” Calum snaps as he gets up from his desk to sit on top of it.

“Cause we’re stuck in here with each other for an hour, so we might as well make the best of it.”

“Why are you here then?” the black haired boy asks, already knowing the answer. The whole school had heard the rumors.

“Haven’t shown up to my first hour in three weeks, I wrote a fake doctor’s note saying I had mono. What about you?”

“Locked Lukey here in a locker,” he says with a smirk. Luke rolls his eyes as their eyes turn to him.

“And what are you doing here?” The blonde looks to each of them as he swallows a lump in his throat.

“I had headphones on in the hallway,” he tells them. Ashton chuckles.

“You can get detention for that?” Luke just nods. They all turn to look at Michael who looks up at them at the same time. His eyes don’t look right, they look lifeless and faded, like they’ve seen a war. And maybe they have but none of them would know.

“I wrote something on one of the bathroom stalls.” His voice sounds distant like it hasn’t been used in a while.

“What’d you write?” Michael hesitates before answering, looking at each of them, studying their eyes.

“Doesn’t matter,” he mutters as he looks back off to the window. Ashton gets up from his desk and walks over to Michael, they’re eyes meet in a threatening way.

“I asked what you wrote,” the hazel eyed boy says in a voice like venom. Michael’s dull green eyes meet each of there’s before he sighs.

“I fucking hate everyone in this school, that’s what I wrote. Well, part of it,” he tells them as he stares down at his bracelets playing with them.

“Wow, that’s a pretty ballsy thing to write, do you really hate everyone?” Ashton asks raising an eyebrow. Michael just nods his head.

“Why?” Calum asks but each of them secretly feel the same way.

“Do any of you even know my name?”

“It’s Mitchel, right?” Luke speaks up causing him to chuckle.

“Even the nerd doesn’t know my name. I’ve gone to the same school as you guys since preschool. Yet none of you have spoken to me until today nor know my name.” They all know he’s right but none of them admit it. Ashton grabs a piece of paper and pen.

“I hate a lot of people in this school as well, who do you hate?” he asks handing the paper and pen to Luke making him look at him confused.

“Everyone,” Michael mumbles making Ashton roll his eyes.

“But who do you really hate, like who would you kill if you could get away with it?” All the other three boys look at Ashton startled at his words. None of them speak making Ashton have to talk.

“You all know each of you have at least one person you wouldn’t care if they didn’t ever show up to school again.”

“Yeah, but I’m not going to say their name out loud or actually kill them,” Luke speaks up surprising Ashton. He chuckles at the blonde boy.

“We’re not actually going to hurt them, it’s just a list,” he explains.

“I can think of someone,” Calum suddenly says. They all turn to him.

“Who?”

“Luke Hemmings,” he jokes causing the blonde to roll his eyes.

“Seriously though, who?” Ashton asks each of them.

“Why don’t you go first if you’re so eager,” Michael says arching an eyebrow at him.

“Fine, Luke write these down.” Luke grabs the pen and paper.

“Lindsey Knight, John Miller,” the blonde writes each of the names down as he continues to list off people. Luke wonders what these people did to Ashton to make him hate them. When he’s done, Calum goes next.

“Melissa Anderson, Spencer Young….” Luke writes each of those names down as he continues saying names. There’s now 7 names on the list. They turn to Michael when he finishes. Michael lists ten names some of which include teachers when he’s done they turn to Luke who shrinks into himself.

“Julian Rogers, Mark Williams, Nate Baker, and Owen Richardson.” The four guys were on the football team with Calum and bullied him everyday, much worse than what Calum ever did. They had bullied him since middle school. When he finished writing down the names the other boys stared at the list. It reads;

Lindsey Knight

John Miller

Kate Jennings

Kevin Smith

Melissa Anderson

Spencer Young

Troye Sivan

Mr. Watson

Paige Edwards

William Morris

Josh Griffin

Sarah Woods

Mr. Jenkins

Tyler Gordon

James Kelly

Hannah Myers

Chloe Lane

Julian Rogers

Mark Williams

Nate Baker

Owen Richardson

21 names in total are on the list, each of them can think of a few more but don’t say anything. The teacher reenters the room causing them to go quiet, he dismisses them and they all leave the room as if they don’t know each other. One of the boys grabs the piece of paper and folds it up into his pocket.

Chapter Text

“Last year I was a trainwreck, now I'm just a mess

I'm letting go so I don't lose myself

I'm starting to be where I need to be

I'm starting to be where I need to be.”

• Real Friends (Mess)

“Do you want it or not?” Ashton asks the 15 year old boy in front of him. They’re in the school parking lot by Ashton’s car, hidden from view of the teachers. The younger boy looks nervous as he bits his lip looking at the drugs in front of him.

“I don’t have all day, kid. I have other clients.” The boy hesitantly takes the drugs and hands Ashton his money. He counts the money then nods for the boy to leave which he does. He shoves the money in his pocket and walks into the high school.

“Did the kid take them?” Trevor asks Ashton as he enters. Trevor is his best friend, they’ve lived next to each other since Ashton first moved here in 1st grade. He helps him with his drug dealing, his dad owns a pot farm that the boys use for their drugs. Ashton does it because he needs the money, his dad is a drunk that can’t hold a job and his mom died when he was younger so he’s the only source of income. Trevor on the other hand has plenty of money but does the drug dealing to help his with the farm and for Ashton.

“Yeah, let’s get to class.” With that they head to class, they’re late already as it is but Ashton can’t remember a day where he wasn’t late to school. He enters his history class noticing a familiar blue eyed boy with blonde hair from detention. He doesn’t say a word to him though, just takes his seat as the teacher yells at him for the millionth time. He tunes him out and throws his earbuds in, listening to Sleeping with Sirens.

When Ashton arrives home from school, he notices his dad’s car in the driveway. He was hoping his dad wouldn’t be home. They don’t get along well, his father is always either drunk or high when he’s around him and it never ends up well. He enters his house, already able to smell the alcohol in the air. There’s empty beer bottles all over the floor that he makes sure to not step on or trip over. His dad stands from the couch where he had been lying down until his son arrived home.

“Well, if it isn’t my faggot son,” he slurs walking over to him. Ashton tenses up already knowing what’s going to happen next. It happens every time his father drinks which is every other day. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less, in fact it hurts worse with each time his dad does it. He stands helpless in front of his dad as he begins beating him, punching him so hard he’s on the floor, kicking his stomach repeatedly. When he’s done he grabs his coat, car keys and slams the door on his way out. Ashton just lies on the floor in pain. It takes him a few minutes for him to gather enough strength to stand up. When he does, he goes over to the bathroom where he takes his shirt off to look at the bruises that cover his stomach and chest, some old, some fresh. He washes the blood off the newly formed bruise then applies neosporin and covers it with a bandage. His phone goes off as he places the neosporin back in the cabinet. It’s Trevor.

“Hey, what’s up?” he asks as he answers his phone.

“We have a drug deal tonight at the Real Friends concert, meet me there at 9,” Trevor tells him before he hangs up. Ashton sighs as he puts down his phone. He doesn’t like drug dealing, he hates drugs and he hates that he was giving kids exactly what they need to destroy themselves just like his mom did. But he needs the money, he’s the one paying the rent on the small house him and his dad live in as well as putting food on the table for them. He goes up to his room to get changed for the concert. He actually enjoys going to concerts but he would never admit that to anyone.

Luke arrives home from school to find his mom in the kitchen.

“How was school, sweetie?” she asks as he sets his bag down and grabs an apple.

“Okay, I didn’t get beat up today so that’s good.” She glances at him with concern. His mom’s known that he’s been getting beat up since it started in middle school. She’s gone to the principle a couple times but it never stopped them.

“Honey, do you want me to go to the principle’s again?” Luke shakes his head as he stands up to throw his apple away.

“No, it wouldn’t stop them even if you did. I have to go get changed before Sam gets here. We’re going to a concert tonight,” he tells his mom as he heads up the stairs. Sam is his only friend. They met at a Good Charlotte concert freshmen year and have been best friends and concert buddies ever since. They attend at least one concert a week, they’re what Luke looks forward to all week, a night to forget about all the darkness in the world and just have fun. He throws on ripped black skinny jeans and shirt that says ‘make america emo again’. He goes into the bathroom where he spends 20 minutes styling his hair into a quiff. When he’s done he heads downstairs and sees Sam’s beat up ‘84 Mercedes Benz. He grabs the tickets from the fridge and his phone before kissing his mom on the cheek as he leaves.

He slides in shotgun of Sam’s car. Sam has longer black hair and glasses.

“You excited for tonight?” the blonde asks him.

“Hell yeah!” he exclaims as he turns on Real Friends, they’re his favorite band of all time.

Ashton stands outside the venue waiting for Trevor. He watches as people dressed up in everything you can imagine enter the venue. Some wear intense eyeliner while others are covered head to toe in tattoos and some have piercings in just about every place you could think of.

“How long have you been waiting here?” Trevor asks Ashton as he walks up next to him.

“Not long, now let’s get this over with,” he tells his friend as he spots a certain blonde boy enter the building. Before detention Ashton had barely noticed Luke. But ever since, he can’t stop staring at him. He’s so beautiful with his styled blonde hair and blue eyes that remind him of his mom’s. But he wasn’t corrupt like his mom, he’s still innocent. He’s never called Ashton up for drugs and even if he did he wouldn’t deal to him, he was too good of a person to let drugs destroy him.

“Ashton, he’s here,” his friend tells him as a guy covered head to toe in tattoos and piercings comes their way.

Luke makes his way to the front of the crowd with Sam following behind him, they get right up to the stage. The crowd goes wild as Real Friends enter the stage. The blonde smiles wide as they start to sing and he sings along. It doesn’t take long for the moshing and crowd surfing to start. Luke is helping keep people from falling when they crowd surf and watches as Sam runs to the mosh pit, dragging Luke with him. The mosh pit is pretty big considering the small size of the venue, everyone in it, including Luke jumps and runs around in a circle, shouting the song lyrics. Luke loves every second of it, he feels as if a weight has been taken off his shoulders, as if he has no problems in the world, as if he’s free.

Ashton enters the venue halfway through the band’s set. He watches from afar as teenagers mosh and crowd surf. He wishes he could be as carefree as them. He spots Luke in the middle of the mosh pit, bringing a smile to his face. The blue eyed boy glances over at him and they make eye contact. In the moment, everything else fades away, the band, the music, the people and it’s just them, their eyes not daring to move from looking at each other. And Ashton doesn’t know how or when his feet started moving towards Luke. Soon he’s in the middle of the pit, just standing there in front of Luke who smiles at him.

“Long time no see,” he says as people run around them. Ashton smiles back as Luke takes his hand taking him into the circle of people.

“Mosh with me,” he tells him as he drags him right into the center of it all and starts running and jumping. Ashton shakes his head before he let’s the music and the moment take over and soon he’s moshing. And for one night, Luke and Ashton don’t seem so different.

Chapter Text

“What if I say I'm not like the others?

What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?

You're the pretender

What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?”

• Foo Fighters

Calum enters the halls of the high school with his group of friends that are on the football team with him. He walks around with his head up high, smile spread wide across his face as if he owns the school. And he does in a way. He’s captain of the football team, and the most popular guy in school. He throws parties at his house after every game they win, which is every one they play thanks to Calum. He could just about get any girl he wanted in the school, yet he is single though he does sleep with a different girl at each party. All the guys wish to be him and all the girls wish to be his. But what they don’t know is that he hates the attention and popularity. He feels the whole thing is fake, people only like him because of his looks and talent but come ten years from now they won’t even remember his name. He’s surrounded by hundreds of people yet he doesn’t have one real friend. He’s aware of this however he doesn’t act on it.

“Look at that loser over there, what’s his name again?” Spencer asks Calum. Spencer is the person he’s the closest with on the team but he secretly can’t stand him. He’s known him since primary and despite him thinking that they’re best friends, he hates him. He’s on the list, speaking of which Calum glances over to who Spencer’s pointing at, it’s Michael Clifford from detention. He didn’t pay much attention to him before friday, didn’t even know he existed in fact but now he couldn’t keep his eyes off of him. His green eyes held a forever sad expression and come to think of it he had never seen the kid smile or laugh. He wore all black and had bracelets covering both his arms. He wants to think maybe Michael just likes to wear bracelets but something inside him tells him otherwise. He’s too busy looking at him to notice Spencer leave his presence but soon his brown hair comes into view. He just stands back and watches as his ‘friend’ shoves Michael against the lockers.

“What are you looking at freak?” he mutters to the boy. And Calum wants so badly to just go over there and help him up, tell him he isn’t alone but he doesn’t. Instead he just meets the boy’s eyes and gives him a sympathetic look as he heads to class.

Michael picks up his books and stands up, fixing his bracelets that slid up. He’s used to people pushing, shoving, hurting and bullying him. A day doesn’t go by in school where he doesn’t get bullied whether it’s physical or verbal. He’s not sure when or why the bullying started, he can’t remember a time he wasn’t bullied, it’s part of his daily routine now. Which would seem sad to most people and at first Michael would get upset at them ‘cause what did he ever do to be treated this way but it just kept happening and somewhere along the way he started to believe what they said about him, that he deserved everything they did to him.

He makes his way to class without anyone else bullying him. He takes a seat at his desk and rests his head in his arms. He hates school, hates talking to people, hates learning, hates life in general. He has no friends, everyone including himself hate him, and his parents ignore him. His dad and him used to get along when he was younger. He would take Michael hunting with him on weekends, taught him how to shoot a gun, use a knife but he hated killing the animals, didn’t understand what they did to deserve it. So his dad grew tired of his crying and called him a sissy when he told his dad this, and ever since they haven’t talked except the simple hellos. His mom on the other hand is always working or making up some excuse as to why she is never home.

“Michael, care to answer the question on the board?” The teacher asks him making him pick his head up. He looks to the board, knowing the answer right away but doesn’t say anything, just shakes his head. He doesn’t talk much in school, he doesn’t talk much in general. He hasn’t exactly had anyone to talk to or who wants to talk to him. According to the rumors, Michael is mute or is too dumb to talk. But he knows very well how to talk, he just doesn’t like to. Luke raises his hand and answers the question. He wears a Real Friends concert shirt with tour dates on the back that Michael guesses he got the night before. He doesn’t know how Luke does it, go to concerts just about every night and still manages to get an A in every class. Luke gets bullied too but unlike Michael, he has friends and knows how to stand up for himself. He’s a likeable person, the teachers love him same with parents. Him and Sam have been glued at the hip since freshmen year. Michael wishes he had a friend like that. But he doesn’t, he hasn’t for a long time. And he’s beginning to think he never will again. He doesn’t mind not having friends though, if no one’s close to him, no one can betray or hurt him.

Calum takes a seat with his teammates at a long lunch table in the back. He’s sat there everyday since he joined the football team in his freshmen year. His teammates are typical jocks, wearing varsity jackets to school everyday and dating cheerleaders. They talk of sports, girls, and other students they hate which is basically anyone who isn’t in their group. Calum always wonders what it would be like if he left the team, if they’d start bullying him and turn on him. They probably would. But Calum likes playing football and it’s his only shot at going to a decent college. His grades aren’t the best so he’s hoping to get into college with a football scholarship. His eyes glance around the lunch room. Luke sits at a round table in the corner with Sam and some other guys that Calum doesn’t know the names of. Ashton sits with his friends who all wear leather jackets and are covered in tattoos. And Michael sits by himself in the very back corner with earbuds in listening to music. He looks back to his teammates who are talking about the game tonight.

“Calum, you’ll be throwing a party after right?” Julian asks him with his arm around his cheerleader girlfriend, Melissa. She has long straight brunette hair with a tan slim body. She glares over at Calum, they both can’t stand each other, though no one besides them and now the other three boys that were in detention with Calum know that.

“When don’t I,” he says with a fake smile that they don’t catch.

Michael arrives home from school to a empty house as always. He goes straight to his room where he lays on his bed. He sleeps a lot, it’s not like he has much else to do since he has no friends. Some may say he’s depressed considering he never leaves his room, has no friends and wears all black. And maybe he is but no one would care if he is, not even his parents. He glances over to the picture frame on his nightstand, it’s of him and Matt in 7th grade. Matt was his one friend, they had grown up together, they understood each other, listened to the same music, liked the same things. They did everything together and they’re parents would always hang out together but things change, people change. Michael doesn’t like to think about what happened, he tries to ignore it, pretend it never happened. He sighs and turns away from the photo, holding back tears as he tries to push away his depressing thoughts.

Calum stands in his kitchen with a red solo cup filled with alcohol in his hand. He watches as his teammates get drunk, take girls into rooms, and get high. Calum’s never liked parties, ironic considering he’s the one that throws them all but his parents don’t care about him and his house is huge so when he joined the team, his house became the party house. His parents know about the parties he throws but they don’t say a word. Calum’s not one for drinking or getting high or having meaningless sex though he does all those things to fit in. He watches as Spencer who is clearly sober takes Amanda who is so intoxicated she’s limp in his arms into a bedroom. And Calum knows what he’s about to do to her. He does it at just about every party and gets away with it every single time. No one says anything, no one notices, except Calum. But he doesn’t say anything though he wants to, freshmen year when Spencer first dragged an unconscious girl into a bedroom, it was Melissa. Calum had tried to stop him but wasn’t able to. The next day he confronted Melissa at school, telling her she should report him or come forward and she just denied it happened but he knew she remembered. She had bruises to prove it however she never said anything despite Calum begging her to. That’s why she hates him, and that’s why he hates Spencer, Melissa as well. They’re all just so fake, and so is he but if he were to be real, he’d be like Michael, alone with no one to sit with and bullied every day and as much as Calum hates his teammates he couldn’t stand the thought of being alone, having no one. So as Calum watches the world around him move while he’s frozen in place, Michael is digging a metal razor into his wrist, something he does every night. But no would know because he’s all alone.

Chapter Text

“How come no one heard her when she said

Maybe I'm better off dead

If I was would it finally be enough

To shut out all those voices in my head?

Maybe I'm better off dead

Better off dead!

Did you hear a word

Hear a word I said?

This is not where I belong

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.”

• Sleeping with Sirens (Better off dead)

Luke finishes his test in just 30 minutes, he gets up noticing Calum sneaking glances at his paper and places the test on the teacher’s desk. He sits back down and looks over to Ashton who wears a leather jacket, a band shirt and black skinny jeans. Him and Ashton haven’t spoken to each other since the concert but Luke wants to, he’s just too shy to make a move. He likes Ashton, he always has, he’s had a crush on him since middle school but he would never tell his friends of this because they run in very different crowds and he’s afraid of what they’ll think of him. Afraid they’ll judge him, that’s what they’re all afraid of. The bell rings and the blonde makes his way out of class. He doesn’t make it far before Nate grabs Luke’s shirt to pull him back.

“Were you thinking you could go a day without seeing us?” he asks as his friends join him, circling Luke.

“Doesn’t this ever get old to you?” Luke mutters not realizing he said it out loud.

“What was that nerd?” Owen asks as he picks Luke up by his shirt and holds him against a locker. Owen is on the football team with Calum but is also captain of the wrestling team. He’s very strong and built.

“N-nothing,” he stutters not wanting to get beat up but knows it’s inevitable.

“That’s what I thought,” Owen smirks as he brings his fist to Luke’s eye sure enough to leave him with a black eye then throws him onto the floor.

“Later nerd.” The blonde lays on the floor watching as students pass him but don’t do a thing. A boy with dyed black hair and green eyes comes into view.

“You okay?” he asks as he crouches down to help him up.

“Yeah, I’m used to it.” He pulls him to his feet and Luke’s blue eyes meet the familiar lifeless green eyes.

“Michael, right?” The boy just nods his head as he plays with his bracelets.

“Well, thanks.” Luke smiles at him but he doesn’t return it he just mutters a small, “no problem,” and walks off.

Michael isn’t sure why he helped Luke. Maybe it was because he wishes somebody would help him, notice him, hear his cries for help. But nobody ever does. He walks home in the rain and goes to his room where he can be all alone. And for once, he doesn’t want to be all alone. Because when you’re all alone, there’s room for your thoughts to drive you insane and nobody to talk to. Tears fill his eyes and he let’s them fall, it’s not like anyone is going to see them. He hates himself, he hates his life, he hates everything. And he isn’t being over dramatic. He doesn’t have a single person who cares about him. He’s lived alone in his thoughts for years and he just can’t do it any longer. He wants to end it. The thought crosses his mind just about everyday but today, he’s determined to do it. He searches his draws for his shiny metal razor then goes to his bathroom. He takes his bracelets off one by one, revealing his many scars, some old, some new. They cover his arms, you can barely see the skin there’s so many. He grabs the razor as insults from everyone play in his head. He digs the razor into his skin, cutting it vertically. A different voice comes in his head as he drags the razor further down his arm, blood surging out of him. It’s Matt’s voice that comes to him or rather his words from the last letter he wrote him.

“I know you won’t believe me when I say this but know this, Michael Clifford you were a great friend to me and despite what I’m about to do, you’re the best person I know and you deserve the absolute best. Don’t let this wreck you, live the life I couldn’t live because I wasn’t strong enough but you are. Remember that Michael, you are stronger than this.”

Michael drops his razor in the bathtub and runs to the sink where he runs water over his cuts until the blood dies down. He then applies some cream to it and covers it with gauze. He goes out into his bedroom and pulls a box out from under his bed. It’s just a random shoe box with ‘Matt’ written on it. He opens the box and sees the letter Matt wrote him inside along with some pictures of them and a BFF bracelet he had gotten him for his birthday. He takes the letter and reads it over to himself over and over until he falls asleep with it in his hands.

Calum’s at another party watching drunk teenagers pretend they like each other and everything just feels so fake to him. He takes a sip of his beer as he watches couples enter rooms and make out and grind on each other. Calum wants to find that someone but he’s scared to open his heart and everyone around him is fake. He wants someone that’s real and down to earth and not afraid to be themselves. He spots a pair of blue eyes that are none other than Troye Sivan’s. He dances with another boy that he doesn’t recognize and Calum envies him, he always has. That’s why he put him on the list because Troye is the one person he’s jealous of. He’s jealous that he isn’t afraid of what others think of him, isn’t afraid of people judging him or bullying him, isn’t afraid to be who he is. A door being slammed is heard causing Calum to turn his attention away from Troye. A girl makes her way through the crowd trying to get away from everyone, her face is covered in tears and there’s some noticeable bruises on her legs and arms. Spencer and two other guys emerge from the bedroom she came out of with drunken looks of content. Calum can only guess what happened. And he isn’t sure what’s gotten into him, but he finds himself making his way over to Spencer.

“Hey Cal, great party,” he says with a smile.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Calum asks him as he stares him in the eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“At every party you rape a different girl and that’s not right.”

“Calum, I think you’ve had too much to drink. I would never do that.” The black haired boy can’t believe what he’s hearing. Everyone is just so fake to him. He mutters a “whatever” and goes outside to get away from the party.

Ashton and Trevor stand in an alleyway, watching their latest customers leave. Ashton leans up against the brick wall looking over to his friend.

“H-have you ever thought about not selling drugs, like getting out of the whole business?” he asks him. Trevor quirks an eyebrow as he leans against the wall next to him.

“Yeah, but there’s not really any way of getting out of the business. Once you’re in, you’re in, you can’t just change your mind and leave. Plus, how else would you get money?”

“I know, I just wonder about it sometimes. How different our lives would be,” he explains.

“They would definitely be different. Come on, let’s get you home.” Ashton just nods and they head to his house despite him not wanting to go home. When he enters his house he can automatically smell the alcohol from his dad. He tries to sneak upstairs without getting noticed but soon hears his dad calling his name. He reluctantly goes over to his father where is he then beaten. Ashton’s used to it though so he’s sucks it up and let’s his dad beat him and when he’s done he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom. He somehow makes it onto his bed where he just lies down and wonder how life got so messed up.

One of the boys holds the list they made in his hands. Memories of each person on it replay in his head and why they’re on there. He then thinks of the other boys and all they’ve had to put up with, all he’s had to put up with. And he’s just had enough, something needs to change. He sneaks into his parent’s basement where he find a locker which has a heavy lock on it. He enters the password and opens it to reveal a gun, he’s going to change everything he thinks as he smiles with the gun in his hands.

Chapter Text

“He said, "Son when you grow up,

Would you be the savior of the broken,

The beaten and the damned?"

He said "Will you defeat them,

Your demons, and all the non-believers,

The plans that they have made?"

"Because one day I'll leave you,

A phantom to lead you in the summer,

To join The Black Parade."

• My Chemical Romance (The Black Parade)

The boy’s hand shakes erratically as he heads into the high school. He keeps his head down, trying not to get noticed and goes to the bathroom where he takes the list out and looks it over one last time before going back into the hallway. His first victim walks by him making his heart skip a beat as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a gun. A few people are watching but most don’t pay any attention to the scene until a trigger is pulled and the sound of a gun going off is heard. Spencer falls down to the floor with a bullet in his back. The students scatter about the school, running into classrooms, bathrooms, and some go over to Spencer. The shooter walks the hallways looking for the next person on the list.

Ashton hears the gunshot from outside the school where he is currently doing a drug deal. He could recognize the sound from a thousand miles away. The kid he was giving drugs to runs off while Ashton runs towards the school. He enters the school to see the hallways empty and students crowded in classrooms and bathrooms. He then spots Spencer laying on the ground with a few people around him. Another gunshot goes off and Ashton runs towards the sound.

Luke is studying for a math test in the cafeteria when he hears the gunshot go off. He jumps in his seat along with the other students in the cafeteria. Everyone falls deadly silent waiting to see if another shot is heard and soon enough there is. He looks up to see Sam with a plate of food looking confused.

“What’s going on?” he whispers.

“Someone has a gun,” Luke tells him the words sounding unreal even to him. The blonde grabs Sam and hides under the cafeteria table as another shot goes off along with footsteps. They sit underneath the table watching as someone enters the cafeteria with a hoodie on. He goes over to a table where a few girls are hidden under, he then kneels down and directs his gun directly at Paige Edwards and shoots her in the head. He then turns around and Luke is able to make out who it is, he can’t believe his eyes.

Michael is in his first hour classroom when the first shot goes off. He looks up at the teacher who stops what he’s doing and stands up from his desk. He walks over to the door, looking out into the hallway where students are running frantic. He lets a few students in the room and ushers them to a corner where they won’t be spotted from the door. He then turns the lights off and instructs his students to stay put and not to say a word before he goes out into the hallway but not before closing and locking the door. The students look to each other, scared expressions on their faces. Some are crying while others just stare off into the distance. Michael just watches the other students as he wishes he had killed himself last night.

“Calum?” Luke whispers out when he sees the dark haired boy turn around. He smirks at him then walks over to a different table, the football team table. He looks under and smiles when he sees the boys he’s looking for, he then shots each of them in the head. Luke cringes each time he can hear the gun go off. He looks at the lifeless bodies lying on the cafeteria floor. Paige Edwards, Julian Rogers, Owen Richardson, Mark Williams, and Nate Baker. They’re all on the list they made in detention. He realizes what he’s doing as Mr. Watson enters the cafeteria and tries to get near Calum but is shot in the chest before he can get any closer. Calum then exits the cafeteria.

Luke gets up from under the table, Sam looking at him confused.

“I need to stop him,” he tells his friend who looks worried.

“But you could get hurt,” Sam says as he glances at the bloody bodies that lay on the floor of the cafeteria.

“I’ll be fine, just stay here and call 911,” Luke says before he runs out of the cafeteria. He runs straight into Ashton, who looks at him with relief that he’s okay.

“It’s Calum that has the gun, Ash,” he tells him making Ashton look at him in disbelief.

“He’s shooting everyone on the list.” Everything quickly registers through his mind and he knows exactly what’s going on, he just doesn’t believe it.

“We have to stop him,” Luke says. Ashton nods and they run down the hallway to find Calum.

Michael sits in the corner of the classroom picking at his bracelets as he hears more gunshots go off. The door is suddenly being knocked on making all the students in the room flinch.

“Help!” he can hear someone scream before another shot is heard and then another and the door opens to reveal a boy in a hoodie with a gun. He looks to each of the students then goes over to a group in the opposite corner of Michael. Michael’s green eyes land on the varsity jacket the shooter is wearing, it’s Calum’s. He can’t believe he actually went through with it, a small part of him wished he joined him. Ashton and Luke run into the classroom out of breath. Ashton without any hesitation runs to Calum jumping in front of the bullet that was amned at Troye Sivan. Sirens are heard and soon police are running into the classroom handcuffing a stunned Calum who just stares at Ashton who lays on the floor bleeding. Luke runs over to Ashton seeing he was shot in the arm. Paramedics come in the classroom and take Ashton out on a stretcher. The rest of the kids are ordered to follow the police out of the school. They are led outside where ambulances are with several kids on stretchers, some are in body bags while others are still alive.

Michael and Luke sit on the grass outside the school watching the other kids parents arrive and pick them up as they wait for their own. Luke’s worried about Ashton, wondering if he’s okay. He decides he’ll visit him later. Michael can’t stop thinking of the look Calum gave him when they met eyes, he had smirked at him but it wasn’t in a crazy or evil way. He looked lost and sad and like he saw no other way out, like he was hurting so much on the inside that the only way to silence the pain was with a gun. And yeah maybe that’s wrong and considered murder but Michael could understand why he did it.

“He did it for us, Luke. He killed them for us,” the green eyed boy tells him as he looks into Luke’s blue eyes.

“We can’t say anything about the list Michael, if we do then we’ll be accessories to murder and I don’t know about you but I plan on going to college and not being locked up in jail for the rest of my life.”

“But that’s not fair to Calum, we may not have physically done anything but we put the idea in his head. We can’t let him take all the blame.”

“Listen Michael, we can’t tell anyone. If we do it’ll ruin everything. Promise me you won’t say anything,” he says desperate as his future flashes before his eyes. He can’t go to jail, he wouldn’t last a day. Luke raises an eyebrow at the boy when he doesn’t say a word.

“Promise me you won’t tell anyone,” he pleads.

“What if Calum tells them or they find the list?” Luke sighs wishing he didn’t go to school that day or hadn’t worn his headphones in the hallway last week getting him detention.

“Then we’ll come clean but if it doesn’t come up, don’t mention it.”

“Fine.” Luke looks up to see his mom running over to him, she has tears in her eyes. He stands up and leaves Michael, running into her arms. He’s been holding himself together all day but there in her arms, he comes undone and sobs into her embrace.

Michael sits on the grass watching them wondering if his parents are even going to come. They won’t release any of the students without a parent present. He wishes he had a mom like Luke’s, one that loved and cared about him. He pulls out his cell phone and calls his dad. He doesn’t pick up so he calls his mom who doesn’t pick up either. He sighs as he puts his phone in his pocket and stands up, getting ready to leave when Luke’s mom turns to him.

“Are your parents coming?” she asks him in a sweet voice. His mom has never spoken to him like that.

“I don’t know, they aren’t picking up their phones,” he says. She nods and smiles a sad smile.

“Why don’t you stay with us until they call,” she suggests.

“Okay, Thanks.”

Calum is thrown into the back of a police car where he is then transported to a local police station. He’s taken to a small room with see through glass that has a table and an older man that sits on the other side. The police point for him to take a seat across from the man. The man looks him up and down, he has long brown hair and looks to be rather young.

“Hello, I’m detective Sanders,” he says looking to Calum who doesn’t respond.

“Okay, let’s get straight to the point then. Why did you shot up Sydney High School?” Calum shrugs as he looks into Derek’s brown eyes.

“I didn’t like the people there, they were all so fake,” he says carelessly. He doesn’t regret killing the students, however he does regret accidently shooting Ashton.

“So you decided to shot them?” Calum just nods.

“Where’d you get the gun then?” he asks.

“My parent’s safe.” Derek looked at Calum as though he were a monster and maybe he was but in his own eyes he wasn’t. According to him, the kids had it coming and got what they deserved.

“When we searched you at the scene we found this in your pocket, care to explain?” he asks as he pulls out a plastic bag with a list inside it. It’s the list from detention that he, Michael, Ashton, and Luke made.

“It’s a list of everyone I wanted to kill,” he says simply. Derek studies the list then rips a piece of paper out from his notebook and hands it to Calum with a pen.

“Can you write your name for me?” Calum does as told, looking up when he’s done. Derek takes the paper and lays it next to the list, the handwriting is completely different.

“You said you made this list?” he asks examining the handwriting.

“Yeah.”

“All by yourself?”

“Yup.” Derek takes the two pieces of paper and turns them around so Calum can see them.

“Then why does it look like someone else’s handwriting?” He gulps not wanting to give the boys up. He doesn’t say a word.

“Fine, we’ll do a handwriting test with everyone at your school and see who matches if you’re not going to tell me.”

“Go ahead,” Calum says as he leans back in his chair.  

Chapter Text

“What makes our love so hard to be?

Is it you? Or is that you with me?

For just the possibility

I'd have given anything

We play along, we sell

But only so much we can tell ourselves

Is it you? Or is it that you with me?

You with me.”

• Jimmy Eat World (You with me)

Ashton can hear a steady beat of a heart monitor as he slowly opens his eyes. He’s in a small hospital room, he looks over to the chair next to him where his dad sits. He sits up looking down at himself seeing his arm in a cast.

“What happened?” Ashton asks his dad with confusion.

“Why don’t you tell me?” his dad responds. He sighs as it starts to come back to him, the gunshots, Calum with a gun, the dead bodies, him jumping in front of Troye Sivan, the look in Luke’s eyes before everything went black.

“Someone had a gun in school,” he says as he looks to the tv in the room. Calum’s picture is on the news, the headlines say that 8 students are dead, 1 teacher dead, and 10 students injured, some of which in critical condition.

“What were you thinking, Ashton? You could've gotten yourself killed,” his dad scolds him. Ashton is about to respond when a doctor with a guy in a suite with long brown hair enters the room.

“Ashton, I’m detective Sanders. Do you feel well enough to talk about what happened today?” he asks. Ashton nods his head wanting to know where Calum is, who died, who survived. Ashton’s dad and the doctor leave the room. Derek takes a seat where his father was seated. He takes out a notepad and looks to Ashton.

“W-who died?” he asks Derek desperate for answers. The detective looks down at his notepad then back up to Ashton’s hazel eyes. Derek’s brown eyes soften as he looks to the boy.

“Kate Jennings, Melissa Anderson, Mr. Watson, Paige Edwards, Sarah Woods, James Kelly, Mark Williams, Nate Baker, and Owen Richardson. Spencer Young is in critical condition, Lindsey Knight is as well she’s brain dead and might not make it. Kevin Smith, William Morris, Josh Griffin, John Miller, Tyler Gordon, Chloe Lane, and Julian Rogers were also shot and are in the hospital here.” Ashton lets out a sigh as he places his face in his hands.

“I know you’re still in shock from the events of today but I have some questions I need to ask you.” Ashton holds back his tears and plasters on a mask.

“Go ahead.”

“How well do you know Calum Hood?” he asks. Ashton thinks over his answer, knowing he can’t say anything about the list if he wants to stay out of jail.

“I’ve only spoken to him a few times. We have science together but I don’t really know him.”

“So you had no idea Calum was going to come into school today with a gun?”

“I had no idea.” Derek nods his head looking down to his notepad.

“What about Troye Sivan? How do you know him?”

“I have a few classes with him but I don’t really know him well either.” Derek looks to Ashton suspiciously as he leans forward in his chair.

“Then why were you so quick to take a bullet for him?” he asks.

“I don’t know, I guess I couldn’t just stand by and watch an innocent person get shot.”

“That was very heroic of you. I think that’s all I need. I’ll be back if I have any more questions.” But Ashton didn’t feel like a hero, he felt far from it actually. The list was his idea, this was all his fault. The detective leaves the room and not too long after the door to the hospital room opens again. Ashton looks up to see Luke Hemmings. His hair is disheveled and his eyes are red probably from crying. He almost looks unrecognizable.

“Luke,” he breathes out glad to see he’s okay. He gets this weird fluttering sensation in his stomach, it’s strange how he only just met Luke but yet he felt like he wouldn’t be able to survive if he wasn’t okay. If only he knew Luke felt the exact same way.

“Ash, how are you?” he asks as he takes a seat beside him where Derek had been.

“I’ve been better.” He looks into Luke’s bloodshot blue eyes and suddenly feels safe.

“What are we going to do? The police have no idea about the list,” Luke says.

“I don’t know,” he sighs. The blonde gets up from the chair making Ashton look at him confused. He joins him on the hospital bed and pulls him into a hug. Ashton is taken by surprise by his actions but nonetheless returns the hug. He feels at home in his arms.

“I was so worried, Ash. I’m so glad you’re okay,” he tells him. They pull back and lock eyes.

“Me too.”

Michael walks into the school the next morning, there’s an eerie silence despite the halls being filled with students, the atmosphere around him feels so different. Yesterday students were laughing, smiling, happy, innocent and now they walk the hallways afraid of each step, flinching at every loud noise. The hallways and cafeteria have been cleaned of the blood and look like nothing happened but the students know otherwise. Michael takes a seat in his history class, he notices Calum’s empty seat. He wonders how he’s doing, if he’s all alone, if anyone has visited him. He wants to visit him but is afraid it might raise suspicion. Luke walks into class as the bell rings, he has bags under his eyes and looks like he hasn’t slept. No one looks like they’ve slept. The principle walks into the room along with Detective Sanders.

“Hello everyone, in light of recent events Detective Sanders will be speaking to each of you this week to get a statement. Also we will have grief counselors available the next few weeks at all times. We will hold a memorial service for those we’ve lost on friday.” Derek takes a step forward and looks at each of the students.

“I want each of you to write your name on a sheet of paper for me then pass it to the front,” he says. They do as told and write their names down then pass them up, none of them thinking why he’s having them do this, that they could get caught. The principle collects the papers and they leave the room as the teacher enters.

Derek sits at his desk looking over the many papers comparing the handwriting to the one in the clear plastic page. He makes piles of ones that he could rule out of not being the same handwriting and another pile of ones that could be. None of them look exactly like the handwriting on the list. The handwriting is so neat and perfect. Derek is about to give up for the day when he comes across a piece of paper with perfect handwriting. He lays it next to the list. The handwriting is a match. He picks up his phone and calls the principle.

“I need some more handwritten papers from a certain students for the case,” he tells him.

“And which student is that?”

“Luke Hemmings.”

Chapter Text

“How long can you stand the pain

How long will you hide your face

How long will you be afraid

Are you afraid

How long will you play this game

Will you fight or will you walk away

How long will you let it burn

Let it burn.”

• Red (Let it Burn)

Michael’s hands shake as he walks up to the desk. He has never been to juvie before and he never thought he would. He looks to the young receptionist wondering how they got this terrible job.

“I’m here to see Calum Hood,” he says to the receptionist in a small, scared voice. She looks up and points to the clipboard on the desk.

“Sign your name and relation to the person you’re visiting.” Michael nods and writes his name, he’s not sure what to put next to relationship. In the end he puts friend.

“Alright, Mr. Clifford follow me,” she says standing up. He follows her to a bulletproof room lined with telephones on either side of a clear bulletproof glass. He takes a seat at one of the phones as on the other side Calum is led in. He wears an orange jumpsuit, his eyes have bags under them as if he hasn’t slept in days and his hair looks greasy and unwashed. Michael wonders if they allow Calum to sleep or shower. He takes a seat on the other side of the glass and picks up the phone, Michael does the same.

“What are you doing here?” Calum asks into the phone. Michael’s green eyes scan the room making sure there’s no one close enough to hear him.

“To say thank you,” he tells him in a whisper. A smile erupts onto the brown eyed boy’s face.

“Well, you’re welcome. Where are the other boys? Is Ashton okay?” he asks. Michael hadn’t visited Ashton and he wasn’t sure if he was going to but he heard on the news that he was in a stable condition.

“He’s good. The others boys aren’t as grateful as I am of what you did.” Calum nods knowing people probably see him as a monster now. His parents hadn’t dare to visit him, they’re probably afraid to. No one looks him in the eyes anymore, they’re too scared to, they look at him like he’s a monster. But Michael doesn’t. He looks him right in the eyes with his blazing green eyes like he’s his hero. And it’s nice to have one person not think you’re a monster.

“They will be,” he mutters. A silence falls, neither of them knowing what to say to the other. They aren’t exactly friends but here they were.

“Why didn’t you tell us what you were going to do?” Michael asks. He sighs looking to his feet then back to the green eyed boy.

“Cause I knew you would try and stop me.”

“I wouldn’t of. I would of helped you do it,” he says looking him right in the eye making Calum look at him with shock.

“You can’t say that, Mike. You could get in a lot of trouble if you told anyone that.”

“So? You shouldn’t have to take all the blame for this when we did help you, we may not have brought a gun into school but we all contributed to that list.”

“But you’re not going to tell anyone that you had any part in this,” he says as tears start forming in his eyes, it’s the first time he’s cried since he brought a gun to school, the first time he’s showed any type of emotion.

“Why not?” Michael asks confused.

“Cause I did this for all of you and I want you to live out your life, the other boys too.”

“What about you? You should be able to live out your life too. You shouldn’t be locked in here. You’re not a monster. You’re a hero, Cal.” His brown eyes meet Michael’s green ones and he wishes there wasn’t a glass wall between them so he could hug him. Those words mean everything to him. They’re what keeps him going through the next week alone in a cold jail cell.

Luke sits at his desk working on his math work but he can’t seem to focus. He keeps thinking of Ashton, how he’s all alone in a tiny hospital room and he just wants to visit him but he can’t skip school. He decides after school he’ll visit him. He feels this strange longing in his chest to always be with Ashton, like he’s incomplete without him.

“Luke Hemmings to the principal's office,” a voice says over the PA system making everyone turn to look at him. He’s never been called down to the principle’s office ever. He stands up from his seat grabbing his bag and heads to the office. His hands shake as he opens the door to the office. He sees the principle and Detective Sanders making a sinking feeling fall into Luke’s stomach. He feels like he’s going to throw up.

“Take a seat, Luke,” the principle says. Luke does as told looking to both of them. “Detective Sanders here wants to talk to you about what happened at the school last week. I’ll be in the hall.” He leaves the room leaving him alone with Derek.

“Good morning, Luke. I have a few questions to ask you.” The blonde nods trying to hide how nervous he is.

“How well did you know Calum?” he asks. Luke gulps trying to calm himself down.

“Not very well, I had a few classes with him and he bullied me at school but we were never close,” he says.

“Why did Calum bully you?”

“I don’t know. Lots of the students bully me.”

“I see, those being Julian Rogers, Mark Williams, Nate Baker, and Owen Richardson. All of which were targeted by Calum. Do you know why?” he asks raising an eyebrow at the blue eyed boy who was currently trying to steady his breath. He hated lying, he was horrible at it but he couldn’t tell him the truth.

“No, I don’t.” Derek nods as he takes out two sheets of paper from his folder. He sets one on the desk showing it to Luke.

“This is your handwriting, right?” he asks showing him the slip of paper with his name written on it from the other day.

“Yeah.” He nods then places a slip of paper very familiar to Luke beside the other.

“What about this? Did you write this?” he asks. The blonde leans forward seeing the list, the writing is exactly the same. He can’t deny it. He puts his head in his hands as his breathing gets faster and his palms start to sweat.

“Luke, did you write this?” he asks again. Luke looks up at Derek but avoids eye contact.

“Yes,” he admits in a small quivering voice knowing he just lost everything with that one word.

“And when did you write this?” Luke contemplates how much of the truth he should tell, he doesn’t want Ashton getting in trouble.

“Two weeks ago,” he admits. Derek looks through his papers, writing some notes down.

“Two weeks ago you were in detention with Calum. Is that when you wrote it?”

“Yes,” he says feeling his stomach doing flips, watching his future flash before his eyes.

“Did Michael Clifford and Ashton Irwin help write this as well?” Luke just nods knowing they’ll find out anyway.

“And what exactly is this list of?” he asks, his brown eyes boring into Luke’s blue.

“St-students and teachers we would want to kill if we could get away with it,” he stutters.

“And whose idea was this, to make this list?” Luke can feel his insides tearing apart at him, he just wants to hide in a corner and cry and never face the outside world again.

“Ash-Ashton’s. But none of us actually planned on killing these people, it was just a stupid list we made to pass the time. It didn’t mean anything.”

“This stupid list, killed 8 people and got 10 in the hospital,” he states his voice ice cold.

“I-I didn’t think anyone would actually do it, none of us did.” Tears were threatening to escape Luke’s blue eyes.

“But someone did and now 8 people are dead. I’m going to need to take you into the station to get an official statement.” Derek stands up gathering his papers but Luke stays seated.

“No, you need my parents with me in order to get a statement from me,” he says.

“Okay, would you like to call your parents or should I?” Luke just sits there frozen feeling everything slip away from him.

Ashton lays on his hospital bed watching another episode of Family Feud. He’s lost count of how many he’s watched but he’s starting to hate Steve Harvey. He’s about to change the channel when his door opens. Troye Sivan walks in, he wears really tight black skinny jeans with a sweater and nails painted blue.

“Hi,” he says in a small nervous voice as he walks to Ashton’s bed.

“Hi, what are you doing here?” Ashton asks as he has never spoken to him before.

“You saved my life,” he says and there it is with the hero crap again. And Ashton just wants to throw up if he ever gets called a hero again because to himself he is anything but a hero, he caused the shooting in the first place.

“No, I didn’t,” he says simply.

“Well, you wouldn’t be in here if it weren’t for me.” Ashton wants to correct and tell him that the whole shooting wouldn’t of happened if it weren’t for him but he just nods.

“I just wanted to thank you,” he tells him his blue eyes sincere.

“Your welcome, it really wasn’t that big a deal,” he mutters.

“It was, why’d you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Save me?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Troye nods unable to read Ashton. He looks at him as though he’s his savior while Ashton looks at himself as if he’s a monster.  

Chapter Text

“I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone.

I long for that feeling to not feel at all.

The higher I get, the lower I'll sink.

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

Can you feel my heart?”

• Bring Me the Horizon (Can You Feel My Heart)

Ashton lays in his hospital bed watching his dad talk with the detective he saw last week. He wonders what they’re talking about, his dad seems pretty mad and confused. The detective enters Ashton’s room and takes a seat on the chair beside his bed.

“I hear you’re getting discharged at the end of the week,” he says to which Ashton just nods.

“I am going to need to question you again, some new evidence has been found and I’m going to need to get a statement from you.” Ashton’s face falls at those words knowing they found the list.

“Wh-what do you mean by a statement?” he asks trying to hide his fear the best he can. He’s dealt with many scary people, some even who murder without blinking an eye but here he is with a detective feeling as if there’s a lump in his throat.

“I need to know your involvement with the shooting and Calum Hood. And I want the truth this time,” Derek says as he places the all too familiar sheet of notebook paper on Ashton’s food tray. He gulps as he looks up at the detective.

“I came up with the idea to write the list in detention after Michael mentioned how he hated everyone in the school but-but I never meant for anyone to get hurt. I never thought any of them would actually target the people on the list,” he explains, fear closing in on his throat making it feel like he can’t speak or breathe.

“So you had no idea Calum was going to bring a gun to school that day?” He just shakes his head.

“If I had, do you think I would of jumped in front of a bullet for Troye?” Derek nods writing something down on his paper pad.

“So what was the real reason you jumped in front of that bullet?” he asks. That moment replays in Ashton’s head, him watching as Calum pointed a gun to Troye and how hopeless he felt that he needed to do something, anything, even if he got hurt.

“I felt responsible for it all, I had come up with the idea to write the list. I took a bullet for Troye because I felt guilty.”

Michael is in class when he gets called down to the principle’s office. He wonders what it’s about. The only time he’s been in there was freshmen year when he was caught cutting himself in the school’s bathrooms and they suspended him. And that really pissed Michael off because he was and still is mentally ill and instead of the school addressing that they just punished him for bringing a knife to school, which only resulted in him cutting every day when he got home from school. It was Mr. Watson who found him in the bathroom and took him to the principle's office instead of the nurse. His wrist was bleeding as they reprimanded him. This time when he enters the office, he isn’t bleeding and Mr. Watson is dead. In fact he hasn’t cut since the shooting. The bullying has stopped and the voices in his head have seemed to quieted because he isn’t alone anymore. He has Calum. The principle isn’t in his office when he enters, it’s just the detective he remembers from the other day. He wonders what he wants with him.

“Take a seat, Michael,” Derek says as he gestures to the chair that sits on the opposite side of the desk. He obeys taking a seat silently.

“As you may know Michael, I am the detective in charge of the school shooting that happened here last week.” He opens a folder and takes out some papers.

“I have some questions for you about what happened and your involvement with Calum Hood.” For a moment Michael’s heat beat raises in his chest then he remembers everything all the people that died that day did to him.

“Go ahead,” he says with a smile.

“Did you help write this list with Luke Hemmings, Ashton Irwin, and Calum Hood?” he asks sliding the list his way. His green eyes examine it, it’s just a crumpled up piece of notebook paper with neat handwriting in pen on it. It’s funny how one piece of paper can do so much, to Calum it gave him an opportunity to get his revenge, for Michael it gave him freedom from his tormentors.

“Yes,” he admits showing no sign of remorse in his eyes.

“And what names were yours?”

“You got a pen?” Derek hands him a pen and Michael puts a M next to the ones that he told Luke to write down. He notices Luke’s are already marked and so are Ashton’s.

“How exactly did this list come about?” he asks.

“Well, we were talking about what got us each in detention and I told them I wrote something on a bathroom stall.”

“And what did you write?” he asks even though he has Michael’s file in his hands with all his detention slips.

“I hate everyone here.”

“And how did that get you onto the topic of the list?”

“Ashton asked me who I would kill if I could get away with it and Luke wrote it down, we each said a few names.”

“Were you aware Calum was going to bring a gun to school and shot these people?”

“No, I would of helped if I knew what he was going to do.”

“What do you mean by help? Help the victims?” Derek asks with confusion written all over his face. Michael leans forward against the table, his green eyes looking into Derek brown ones.

“Who exactly do you consider the victims here?” he asks raising an eyebrow surprising the detective.

“The people who were targeted the day of the shooting,” Derek says as if it’s obvious but Michael disagrees with him. He chuckles at him.

“I guess we have different definitions of victim. The victims were the ones who were targeted every day of their high school existence, who were tormented and ruined by the people you consider victims. Ashton, Luke, Calum, and I, we’re the real victims. We’re the ones who walked the hallways every day scared of our own shadows, afraid someone would be after us. You’re victims only got to experience that fear one day in their lives, we have had to deal with it every single day.”

Luke runs to the only person who knows will be there for him with tears in his eyes. He had ended his interrogation a few hours ago only to be yelled and interrogated by his parents. Now his parents were trying to find him a lawyer while he ran down the hospital halls. He comes across the room seeing the hazel eyed boy sitting up in his bed looking at the wall in shock. Luke wonders if Derek has questioned him yet. He enters the room making Ashton’s scared hazel eyes meet his. Luke falls apart when he sees him, he runs over to his bed, hugging him.

“They know,” Luke cries into Ashton’s neck.

“I know,” he whispers pulling back just enough to look Luke in the eye.

“This is all my fault, we’re in this mess because of me, if only I hadn’t suggested to make that stupid list,” Ashton cries breaking Luke. The blonde reaches his hand forward to wipe away Ashton’s tears.

“You can’t blame yourself for all of this. We all took an equal part in it,” he tells him, his blue eyes melting into Ashton’s hazel and Luke has no idea what he’s doing but he leans in to kiss Ashton. And at first Ashton is caught by surprise then he leans in too and kisses Luke. The blonde’s lips work against the hazel eyed boy, he’s positioned on top of Ashton with his legs on either side of him, his hands playing with Ashton’s curly locks while Ashton’s run up and down Luke’s waist making him feel tingling on the inside. Luke finds himself moaning into the kiss and letting Ashton’s tongue into his mouth as he pulls on his hair. In that moment they’re able to forget about all the craziness going on in their lives and just have a simple, heated, blessful moment.

Chapter Text

“I felt a year's worth of hurt and sadness catching up with me

The sky I painted to silence the pain, it is bleeding into grey

I don't know if I've been worse

I don't know if I can change

But right now, I don't think, I don't think that I'm okay

I don't think that I'm okay. I don't think that I'm okay.”

• As it is (okay)

“Why would you do this?” Calum’s mom asks him with tears in her eyes. She doesn’t dare look her son in the eye and neither does his dad. It’s the first time they’ve visited him, he’s been in juvie a week and this is the first time they’ve come to see him. His mom looks absolutely awful, her hair’s a wreck put up in a messy bun and she has dark bags under her eyes. His dad looks equally as bad with his bloodshot eyes.

“They deserved it,” Calum tells them, his voice sharp like venom. His mom looks at him in shock, like she doesn’t know the boy sitting in front of her and the truth is that she doesn’t. She hasn’t been involved in Calum’s life since she went back to work full time when he was five. His dad just looks disappointed in him, like he’s ashamed to call him his son.

“No one deserves to die, Cal,” his mom says in a sweet voice that pisses him off. He hasn’t slept or showered in a week, he’s had little to no food and everyone in the prison is afraid of him.

“Some do. Hitler deserved to die, and so did these kids,” he spits out.

“Do you hear yourself, son? They were kids, hadn’t even turned 18 or graduated and never will because of you,” his mom tells him trying to guilt trip him but it isn’t working.

“Why did you come here? You obviously didn’t come here to just make me feel remorse when there’s none to feel,” he snaps.

“We came here to tell you we’re going to get you the country’s best lawyer.” Her sweet voice makes him want to puke.

“Don’t bother, I’m going to end up in prison for the rest of my life anyway.” He doesn’t add that he would rather be stuck in here then out in the real world with the real monsters. Here he is safe. He is not a victim here.

Ashton watches as his dad signs him out of the hospital for good. His arm is still in a cast and he won’t be able to use it for a while but it will heal unlike the other victim’s wounds. He hasn’t dared to visit them. He and his dad leave the hospital and drive home in silence. His father hasn’t spoken a word to him since the detective got his statement. Frankly, Ashton’s just waiting for the shoe to drop and for his dad to punch him. And that is the first thing he does when they get home.

Ashton lays on the floor from his blow, spitting out blood.

“How could you be so stupid?! You know I can’t afford a lawyer! You’re going to end up in jail just like the rest of our family,” he shouts at him as he kicks his son’s gut repeatedly. And Ashton doesn’t protest or respond. In his mind, he deserves this. He deserves to be beat and spend the rest of his life in jail because it’s his fault 8 kids are dead. So he lets his dad abuse him until he gets bored and leaves to get drunk. Ashton crawls over to the couch and turns on the TV only to see his own face along with the other boys.

“Emerging details in the school shooting at Sydney high school were released by the PD last night. Apparently, this was not just some random attack and the kids who were shot were targeted. Targeted by four high school boys who wrote a list of who they would want to kill at their school. None of the boys have any prior arrests or charges against them. One of these boys, Luke Hemmings is an honor role student who was accepted into Harvard last month. Ashton Irwin who was shot jumping in front of Troye Sivan was the one who came up with the list. It is unclear what the other three boys will be charged with while Calum Hood is being charged with 8 counts of murder of the first degree and 10 counts of attempted murder. He will most likely face 40 years to life in prison.”

Luke arrives home from a meeting with the lawyer his mom hired him. He just wants to go to his room and never leave. The press knows about the list now and his house has been getting nonstop calls from reporters. Luke stomps up his stairs to his room when his mom calls him down.

“Luke! Come down here, we need to talk about this!” his mom yells. He turns on his heel and reluctantly goes back down the stairs.

“What do you want?” Luke sighs as he stands in front of his mother.

“Come sit at the table with me, Lucas,” she says as she takes a seat there. She never uses his full name unless she’s mad at him but at this point she is beyond mad, she’s confused on why her perfect straight A son would make a list of people he wanted dead. Luke hesitantly takes a seat, looking out the window, avoiding her harsh gaze.

“We tell each other everything, Luke. Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks her anger gone. The blonde sighs as he finally lets himself look at his mom.

“I didn’t think any of us would actually kill those people and even if they did, I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t tell anyone.”

“You know violence never solves anything, right?” she asks him.

“Yeah, mom. I never intended for any of these people to get hurt. I never would of wrote the list in the first place if I knew people would end up hurt.” His mom just nods, not sure what to say or do as her son breaks out in sobs. She can see he’s obviously guilt stricken to his core. She gets up from her chair and pulls him into her arms, letting him soak her shirt.

“I never meant for anyone to get hurt.”

Meanwhile, Michael sits in his room alone with a dusty old shoe box on his lap. His parents haven’t spoken to him since the shooting, they’ve barely been home. But that’s how they’ve always been. He opens the shoe box and holds up a friendship bracelet. He smiles at it, a real genuine full teeth smile.

“You would be proud of us, Matt. Calum beat the monsters who tortured you to death.” His green eyes glance down to the pictures of him and his brown hair and blue eyed friend. Tears form in his eyes.

“I wish you could have been here for this. You didn’t deserve to die like them, you deserved so much more. I miss you, Matty,” he cries as he sets the bracelet down in the box and turns on his side, crying into his pillow as a memory surges through him.

“Did you hear about the new Spiderman movie they're making?” Matt asks Michael as they walk out of the school doors.

“Yeah, I’m so excited for it!” Michael beams with a smile. A group of boys walks up to them, one of them is Josh Griffin. He smirks at the two boys as they get closer.

“Where do you think you two are going?” he asks them. They stop in their tracks, a day doesn’t go by when the group of boys don’t beat the two younger boys. They thought they got lucky today but they were wrong. Josh shoves Michael to the pavement hard, Matt tries to stop him but ends up getting pinned to the ground by James and Tyler who punch and kick him until he is out cold. It was in that moment that Michael knew what true meaning of hatred. And in that moment he thought, yeah I would be okay if these kids didn’t come to school tomorrow or ever again. He wouldn’t feel any grief if they died, in fact he would feel relief.

“Are you going to plead guilty to the charges of murder?” Calum’s lawyer asks him. He showed up an hour ago along with his parents. The prison guards let him out to go to a small room where he and his lawyer now sit.

“Do I have any other choice?” he asks. His lawyer looks through a file then leans forward.

“Yes, you do. We can get the court to order psychological testing so then instead of spending the rest of your life in prison, it would be in a high security state mental institution.”

“I’m not crazy,” Calum chuckles bitterly.

“We’ll see about that, I’m ordering you a psych evaluation.”

Chapter Text

“I'm watching

I'm waiting

I'm aching

Suffocating

I'm breathing

I'm speaking

Can you hear me?

I'm screaming for you.”

• Pvris (White Noise)

Luke’s hands involuntarily shake as he sits in front of a woman in her mid forties. She has brown hair that goes down to her shoulders and green eyes. His palms are sweating and he can’t stop his leg from tapping against the floor.

“Luke,” she says getting his attention as he looks up at her. She’s the lawyer his mom hired for him. His now dull blue eyes meet her green ones.

“Do you want me to just get to it?” she asks. To this he nods his head frantically wanting to know what they’re charging him with.

“You along with the other boys are being charged with Conspiracy to Commit Murder.” Luke looks up at her, he’s never heard of that.

“What’s that? What’s the sentencing for it?”

“Conspiracy to Commit Murder is defined by the law as an agreement between two or more people to plan to commit a murder. The sentencing can range from 5-10 years in prison depending on your involvement with the case.” Luke’s face pales, all the color draining from his face. His career and future swept right from under him.

“Is there any way I can get off without going to prison?” he asks. She gives him a sympathetic look.

“Yes but it’s very unlikely but I do think I could get you off with 5 years with parole. The other two boys could probably get that too, though Ashton might face more since he came up with the list.”

“What do I have to do to ensure we don’t end up in jail?” Luke wonders refusing to believe that he’ll spend the next few years of his life in prison.

“We have to prove that you made an action to stop the murder,” she tells him.

“How could I stop it when I didn’t know it was going to happen?”

“What was your intention when creating that list?” she asks him.

“Not for people to die or get hurt.”

“I can work with that. One more thing, you and the other are suspended from school until the court makes its decision. Once the trial date is set and charges are officially pressed, you and the other boys will most likely be put on house arrest until sentencing.” Luke feels a sick feeling in his stomach when he hears this. He hasn’t missed a day of school since middle school. Unlike most kids he enjoys school. He strives to do well, do better than everyone. Now he’s going to be spending his senior year, chained to the front porch unable to enjoy his last year of high school.

Ashton lays down on his couch watching reruns of old Friends episodes. His doctor has basically put him on bedrest for a few weeks while he continues to heal. His dad is off at some bar and hasn’t spoken to him since he beat him last week. He is surprised to hear a knock at the door. Ashton makes his way over to the door, opening it to see Troye. He’s pacing back and forth when he opens the door. He looks confused, maybe even a bit betrayed.

“Hey, Troye,” Ashton greets him. He tries to make eye contact with him but just can’t do it.

“You lied to me,” Troye states, he looks a mix between angry and sad, like he might cry one second then scream the next. Ashton just looks at him confused.

“I thanked you for saving my life, I fucking called you a hero. And the whole time, you knew about the shooting and that my name was on that list.” Troye is close to tears, his blue eyes look hurt.

“I’m sorry, I wanted to say something at the hospital that day but.”

“But what? You didn’t think I deserved the truth?”

“No, you do, I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

“Who even wrote my name on the list anyway? Cause I don’t know any of you well, not enough for any of you to have a reason to hate me.”

“Calum. Calum said your name.”

“Why?” Troye asks trying to recall a reason why Calum would hate him but can’t come up with any. He’s never even spoken to him before.

“I don’t know.”

Michael sits on the ground playing with the grass as the sun shines down on him.

“You’re happy, aren’t you?” Michael says as he looks at the tombstone in front of him. It’s Matt’s tombstone. He looks around him seeing the hundred of other tombstones.

“I wish you had lived to see this,” he whispers. Michael positions himself so he’s laying on the grass in front of the grave.

“I miss you, buddy. You were my one true friend.” He tries to visit his grave at least once a month. When he’s here, it almost feels as if Matt is still with him. He longs for those days, when he had a friend, someone to talk to, someone he could trust, someone he could confide in, someone he loved. He knows he will never have another friend like him. No one will be able to replace him. Matt was his first friend, his only friend. He stood up for him when he was bullied, Michael trusted him with his secrets and so did Matt, but there was one secret Matt never told Michael, that he wanted to end his life. Looking back on that day, he wishes he could have stopped him. If only he had arrived at his house a hour or even minutes earlier then maybe Matt would still be with him today. That night will haunt him forever.

Michael could feel something was off with Matt that day. He just didn’t seem himself, his responses were short and open ended. Like he just needed to get through the day then everything would be okay, everything would get better. Michael pedals as fast as he can on his bike in the rain. He arrives at Matt’s house, leaving his bike in the mud and running up to the door. He knocks on it twice but no one answers. He digs an extra key out from one of the nearby plants on the porch. He uses it to open the door and runs inside.

“Matt! Matt,” he calls but doesn’t get a response. The house the completely silent. Michael rushes up to Matt’s room, knocking viciously on his door to only get no answer. He gives up knocking and opens the door looking for his friend only to find him on the bathroom floor with an empty pill bottle in hand. Michael rushes over to him, kneeling beside him as he comes undone.

“Matt, Matt! Please, wake up!” he cries as he holds him in his arms but he doesn’t wake up. Michael takes out his cell phone and calls an ambulance then Matt’s parents. His whole world seems to stop, and he’s stuck in that moment while time passes on. The ambulance arrives and forces Matt out of Michael’s hands, Matt’s parents arrive at the scene crying into each other’s arms. Michael finds the strength to stand up and finds 3 envelopes on Matt’s desk with the names mom, dad, and Michael written on each of them. He picks up the one with his name knowing what it is. It’s a suicide note. His best friend is really dead. His best friend killed himself and he didn’t stop him.

Chapter Text

“Save me from myself, don't let me drown.

What doesn't destroy you, leaves you broken instead.

Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper.

And I can't take one more moment of this silence.

The loneliness is haunting me.

And the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up.”

• Bring Me the Horizon (Drown)

Luke stands on the porch of Ashton’s house, he hasn’t seen or spoken to him since their kiss. He had no way of contacting the boy and got his address from the school’s directory. His house is small compared to Luke’s, the paint is peeling and the deck has pieces of it missing. He raises his fist and knocks on the door. He hears rustling then the door opens to reveal a very tired looking Ashton in a baggy shirt and sweats. He still looks good, Luke notices. Ashton looks surprised to see him, he steps outside and closes the door behind him, not wanting his dad to see his visitor.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Ashton asks him as he looks at the blue eyed boy. The blonde suddenly feels nervous, his palms begin to sweat.

“I thought maybe we could hang out or something. It’s fine if that’s wired and you don’t want to,” he rambles which Ashton finds utterly adorable.

“Yeah, we can hang out. Let me just get changed. Stay out here, I’ll be back in a minute.” With that he disappears back into his house. The blonde paces the front porch waiting for him, thinking what he has gotten himself into. Ashton soon comes outside in black skinny jeans, a white shirt and a leather jacket.

“Let’s go,” he says as the boys walk to Luke’s car which is a brand new Cadillac, much nicer than Ashton’s beat up 2004 Jeep.

“This is a really nice car,” Ashton comments as he sits shotgun, running his hands over the leather seats. The car probably costs as much as Ashton’s house.

“Th-thanks.”

“So where were you thinking of going?” he asks. Luke taps his hands on his steering wheel, he knows where he wants to go but doesn’t think Ashton will want to.

“I um, I was thinking we could visit the hospital,” he says avoiding eye contact.

“What for?” Ashton asks even though he knows the answer.

“To visit the victims, I know it’s stupid and probably won’t look good to our lawyers but I need to see them, see what we did to them,” the blonde rambles nervously. Ashton reaches forward and places his hand on Luke’s shoulder making him look him in the eye.

“Listen, we did not do this. Calum did. We are not the ones who shot them. We can visit them if you want,” he tells him in a soothing voice that Luke has never heard Ashton spoke in before. The blonde nods his head and pulls him into a hug, surprising him but nonetheless he hugs back. And it’s the first time either of them have felt safe since the shooting.

Calum sits in a glass walled room with his lawyer and another women. They sit at a table.

“The court approved your psych evaluation. Mrs. Brown is going to do the psych evaluation. She will ask you a series of questions which we need you to answer honestly.” Calum nods his head boredly.

“Okay, Calum, do you have any family history of mental illness?” she asks.

“No, my parents are perfectly normal and sane.”

“What about relatives or friends?” Calum just shakes his head.

“In the past year, have you experienced an abnormal amount of anxiety or worrying?”

“What do you consider abnormal?”

“Have you ever had trouble sleeping because of your worrying or felt your anxiety has ever gotten out of control? Have you ever had a panic attack?”

“I have trouble sleeping at night but mostly because I can’t get my brain to shut off. I’ve had a few panic attacks when I was younger.” The lady writes down some notes then continues with her questions.

“Do you remember what the panic attacks were like?”

“Yes,” Calum shudders at the memory.

“Can you describe them to me?”

“I got them quite a lot in middle school when I was with my friends, I would get really sweaty, feel my heartbeat rise, my legs and hands would shake uncontrollably, and when they were really bad I would have difficulty breathing.”

“Have you ever experienced a traumatic event?” she asks. Calum just nods his head not wanting to go into detail.

“How did you experience the traumatic event? Did you witness it, learn about it, live it, or were exposed to it?”

“I lived it.”

“What effects has the event had on you mentally? Have you been haunted by it or lost hope in humanity, loss interest in daily activities, feel irritated over little things or having constant fear?”

“Yes, I have had all those effects.”

“In the past month, have you felt frequently sad, like you can’t imagine going on with your life?”

“Yes,” he tells her.

“Have you had thoughts of suicide in the past six months?”

“Yes.”

“How often?”

“A lot, at least once a week.”

“Have you ever gone as far as to plan it or write a note?”

“Yes.”

“When was this?”

“Last month, I had it all planned out. I had stolen my dad’s gun from his safe and written letters to my parents. But that night, my sister visited from college and I never got the chance.” He pauses then, looking to both his lawyer and the psychologist.

“You probably wish I had done it, killed myself. Then those kids wouldn’t be dead.” His lawyer almost feels bad for him, he’s just a boy who got lost. The psychologist raises an eyebrow.

“Do you feel any guilt or remorse for what happened, for killing for those kids?”

“No, they deserved it.” She writes some things down in her notebook.

“Have you ever felt like people are out to get you?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have frequent mood changes or have you ever done something that felt right in the moment but in a different state you wouldn’t do it?”

“I guess, yeah.”

“Have you ever had hallucinations while not under any influence?”

“A few times.”

Michael is laying on his bed listening to Green Day when he hears a knock on his door. He turns down his music and looks to the door.

“It’s open,” he says. His parents peek their heads in. They haven’t been in Michael’s room since Matt’s death when he made it very clear to them that they were not to step foot in his room. It was his place to be alone, to cry, to grieve. They step across the invisible boundary into uncharted territory.

“Honey, we’ve been wanting to talk to you about what happened last week,” his mom says as he walks to his bed where he lays. He closes the book he was reading, A Clockwork Orange and sets it aside. His mom hesitantly sits on his bed, his dad soon joining them.

“Can you explain to us what happened? What part you had in it?” she asks. It’s funny how she’s never acted like she cares until now when it’s too late.

“I’m sure you’ve heard everything from the news,” Michael mumbles.

“We want to hear it from you, Michael. Did you know this Calum kid was going to do this?” his dad asks.

“No, I didn’t know Calum was going to do this, if I had I would have joined him,” he tells them with an emotionless expression.

“You mean help stop him?” his mom asks in the sweetest voice it makes him want to laugh at how fake she sounds.

“No, I mean I would of helped him kill those people,” he says looking his parents in the eyes making them stare at him like they don’t know him. Which is true, they don’t know him. They haven’t known him since Matt died, nobody’s known him since then, heck he doesn’t even know who he is.

“Don’t say that,” she scolds him.

“Those bastards deserved what they got.”

“No one deserves that. What could they have done that’s so bad that they deserved that?”

“They killed Matt,” Michael whispers just loud enough for them to hear.

“Matt killed himself, he made that decision.”

“But they drove him to that decision!” he nearly yells infuriated just needing someone, anyone to understand him. But they don’t and no one understands him, except Calum.

Luke and Ashton stand in front of room 102 where Lindsey Knight is. They enter her room to see her small frame hooked up to many wires and screens. The news reported that she’s brain dead. She looks dead lying there, her eyes closed, hooked to machines. Ashton can barely recognize her, she doesn’t look anything like the first girl he fell in love with, the first girl he kissed but yet she is. He steps closer to her, placing his hand on hers remembering how it felt to hold her hand.

“How did you know her?” Luke asks as he steps up beside him.

“We dated freshmen year, she was my first love,” Ashton explains.

“What happened? What made you put her on the list?” the blonde asks looking into his hazel eyes.

“She was also my first heartbreak. She cheated on me with John Miller, who was my best friend at the time.” Luke remembers John Miller’s name being on the list as well.

“She didn’t deserve this though,” Ashton mutters as he pushes a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

“C’mon, let’s go to the next room,” Luke suggests to which Ashton sighs in relief and leaves the room. In the next room is Spencer Young, neither of them know him well. Well, they know about him but don’t know him personally. He was on Calum’s list, they both wonder what he did to him. Spencer lies on the bed, he’s in critical condition, Calum shot him in the back. Luke heard from the news that the bullet hit one of his organs. His organs are failing and he doesn’t have much longer. Luke looks at the boy and wonders if he really deserved this. It’s hard to see the students that they once hated now lying in a hospital bed, utterly helpless. All the of kids Luke put on the list were fatally shot, Calum had shot them each in the head, Luke had watched him do it. And despite how terrible they treated him and how much they bullied and tortured him, Luke can’t help but think they did not deserve this. They exit the hospital and sit in silence in the blonde’s car. Neither of them speak for a while, replaying the day of the shooting in their heads. Ashton lets out a deep sigh.

“None of them deserved this, they may not have been the best people but they didn’t deserve this,” he says looking out the window staring at the hospital entrance.

“No, they didn’t deserve this.” Luke feels himself falling apart, he contributed to sending these people, kids to their graves. He will never be able to forgive himself for that. Ashton sees him holding back tears and reaches over, places a hand on his shoulder.

“You can’t blame yourself for this. You’ll drown in guilt if you do,” he tells him in a soothing voice. Luke looks up, into his hazel eyes.

“I don’t know how not to,” he whispers. Their faces are only inches apart.

“Then let me help you,” Ashton says before he locks their lips. Luke lets himself melt into the kiss, pouring all his guilt into it. When they pull away, the blonde is sobbing. Ashton pulls him into a hug, letting him cry on his shoulder. When his cries subside, he pulls back enough to look him in the eye.

“What are we, Ash?” Luke asks him. Ashton doesn’t answer at first. He’s not sure himself but what he does know is he hasn’t felt this way about anyone in a long time.

“I don’t want to start anything I can’t finish,” he says.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not stupid, Luke. I know at the end of all of this I’m going to end up in jail. And you, you will go on and forget all about this small town,” Ashton tells him as he runs his hands through Luke’s blonde hair.

“No, I won’t. I won’t ever forget this town or that day or you. I could never forget you,” Luke whispers holding back tears.

“I probably don’t have much time either, let’s make the most of what we have,” he then says to which Ashton responds by kissing him.

“So, what’s the diagnosis?” Calum asks his lawyer as she enters the glass room.

“Am I crazy, insane?” She sits down and looks to Calum’s parents who sit beside him. She takes a deep sigh and opens a folder with notes.

“It appears you have Borderline Personality Disorder,” she tells him.

“What’s that?” his mom asks.

“It’s a mental disorder where one has trouble regulating emotions, having unstable mood swings.”

“What does this mean as far as his case? Will this change the charges?” his dad asks.

“Given that he’s being charged with several counts of murder and attempted murder, the charges will remain the same however if he goes to prison, it will be in a high security prison for the mentally ill.”

“They have those?”

“Yes, they are just like regular prisons only the prisoners have weekly therapy sessions and are put on pills if needed.”

Chapter Text

“Chances thrown

Nothing's free

Longing for what used to be

Still it's hard

Hard to see

Fragile lives, shattered dreams.”

- Offspring (Kids Aren’t Alright)

Troye’s hands shake as he writes his name on the visitors list. An old lady smiles at him and hands him a pass. He is led to a room with phones on either side of a bulletproof glass wall. He’s led to a phone and soon Calum is brought in. It’s the first time Troye’s seen him since he tried to shoot him. Seeing his face just brings him back to that day. He wants to run away to his safe house but he needs answers. He needs to know why, why him, what did he do to make Calum want to kill him. Calum looks surprised to see him as he picks up the phone, Troye does the same.

“Of all the people who I thought might visit me, you never even crossed my mind,” he chuckles like this whole thing is one big joke. One big joke where 9 kids died and several more were critically injured. And that irritates Troye because those kids died and he could have died if it weren’t for Ashton.

“Cut the crap,” he mutters at Calum to which he raises an eyebrow.

“Why me? Why was I on your list? All I’ve ever been is kind to you, I can’t think of one thing that could make you want to kill me unless,” Troye pauses his thoughts catching up with his words, he had never thought of it before but it made sense as to why Calum would hate him.

“Unless you’re homophobic,” he says looking to the black haired boy who shakes his head.

“No, I’m not homophobic,” Calum tells him.

“Then what is it?” Troye’s blue eyes scan Calum’s brown ones that are contemplating a hidden delima. Should he tell him? Should he admit what he’s been hiding from his whole life?

“I-I was always jealous of you.” Troye looks at him with confusion, Calum’s the most popular kid in school why would he be jealous of him?

“I was jealous that you were never afraid to be who you are, that everyone accepted you for who you are, that you were never looked at as weak or less of a man, that your friends and parents didn’t judge you for it.”

“Is this about me being gay?” he asks to which Calum nods.

“You think coming out was easy for me? You think that everyone just accepted me and I never got teased or pushed in the halls and called a fag? That’s not how it was, Calum. I lost friends, got beat up and bullied when I came out, fuck I still am.”

“You never said anything about it, you always seemed so proud of who you are, you never hid yourself or who you were,” Calum tells him. Troye leans closer, locking eyes with him.

“Calum, are you gay?” he asks in a low voice. Calum nods letting tears leave his eyes.

Luke arrives home from hanging out with Ashton again, they had gone out to lunch and made out in the back of Luke’s car. The blonde was still smiling and blushing when he walked in the door of his house. His mom sits at the table looking over paperwork.

“Hey, mom,” he greets her, his smile never leaving his face. She looks up from the papers and gives him a sweet smile.

“Hey, sweetie. What has you in such a good mood?” she asks. She hasn’t seen her son this happy since the incident.

“It’s nothing,” he replied not wanting his mom to know about him and Ashton.

“Lucas, you know I can tell when you’re lying. Is it a boy?” she asks with a smile. She has always welcomed Luke for who he is, he came out to her when he was 13 but she had known long before that.

“Maybe,” he says trying but to blush but failing.

“Who is this boy? I want to meet him, see who's making you so happy,” she smiles at him as Luke’s smile falls, his mom would be furious if she knew it was Ashton, especially with the hearing date just around the corner.

“Just someone from school, anything for me in the mail?” he asks changing the subject. She decides to drop the subject and reaches to grab an envelope addressed to him from Harvard.

“Something from Harvard came, probably just a confirmation that you’ll be attending there next fall or scholarship info,” his mom says handing the letter to him. Luke got into Harvard with early admission and had already committed to going there. Harvard has been his dream school since he was 5. He had worked his ass off to get in, getting a near perfect score on his ACT and SAT, taking all AP classes, and being involved with extra school activities. He opens the envelope to see a long letter that certainly isn’t for scholarships or to confirm his attendance. His heart skips in his chest as he reads the letter, rereading it several times to make sure he’s reading it right. His mom looks over at him seeing that he stands frozen with the letter still in his hands, and tears pouring down his face.

“Honey, what is it?” she asks as she stands up. He can’t find it within himself to say the words so he just hands her the letter. Her eyes scan the letter as tears form in her eyes as well.

“They can’t do this, you worked so hard to get in.” Luke wipes away his tears and looks at the letter again. Harvard rescinded his acceptance because of his ‘criminal activity’. He was afraid this would happen, if only he had not wrote down those names on that stupid list. He wants to blame Calum or Michael or Ashton for this but he has no one to blame but himself. He made the decision to write the names, no one made him do it. And now he’s lost his entire future because of it. Just like that his dream is shattered because of one stupid list that killed 9 students.

“Today, we honor the students and teacher we lost in the tragedy that occur one month ago,” the principle of the school speaks as he stands at a podium. All the students, their families, and staff are gathered in the football field tonight for a memorial for the victims in the shooting. Luke stands next to Ashton, holding his hand as his head is leaning on his shoulder. He hasn’t told Ashton yet about Harvard, he doesn’t want him to blame himself for it. He’s going to tell him later tonight, his mom is going out tonight so Ashton is going to come over after the memorial. The blonde watches as families and friends of those who died step on stage and say a few things.

Michael stands by himself in the crowd, remembering Matt’s funeral. Not many people from school came, it was mostly family members and him. No one had given a eulogy at his funeral, Michael was too broken to talk. He watches as the school honors the victims, lighting japanese lanterns even though they only have less than 5 japanese students but the school claims it’s a tradition, and it’s to honor them. Michael wants to laugh, laugh at how they are treating these kids like victims when he’s the real victim, laugh at how when Matt died they shoved it under the rug as if he never existed and never had a memorial for him, stating it would memorialize suicide. Michael just wanted them to memorialize his friend, not how he died, they could do that, right? No, they couldn’t, so they pretended it never happened, never did a memorial or spoke about suicide or Matt. Michael can’t help but wonder if they had done a memorial or at least spoken about how the way you treat someone really does affect them, sometimes enough to take their own life, if maybe the bullying would of stopped and the list would've never been made. If only those kids had learned from Matt, maybe they would still be alive. But they don’t get that honor, they were the ones who drove Matt to kill himself, who made four boys write a list of who they would want dead.

Ashton and Luke lay on Luke’s bed watching movies. The blonde keeps on looking over to Ashton, wanting to bring up Harvard but he doesn’t have the courage to. Ashton notices Luke’s glances and pauses the movie.

“What’s wrong?” Ashton asks him as he looks into the blonde’s blue eyes. Luke sighs and snuggles into Ashton’s chest.

“I got a letter from Harvard the other day, they revoked my acceptance,” he tells him as he avoids looking at him.

“Why would they do that?”

“Because of my involvement with ‘criminal activity’.” Ashton sighs as he puts an arm around the boy pulling him closer.

“I’m sorry, this is all my fault.” Luke shakes his head at this, repositioning himself so he lays on top of Ashton.

“No, it’s not. You didn’t make me write that list, I choose to do it. This is my fault not yours,” the blonde explains.

“But I put you in that situation,” he says running a hand through his hair, obviously frustrated.

“I still am the one who made the decision to write it, plus it got me you,” Luke tells him, his blue eyes shining as they look at the boy beneath him.

“This is really fucked up.”

“We’re all a bit fucked up,” Luke states.

“Why don’t we get fucked up some more?”

“How?”

“By fucking,” Ashton states fighting back a smirk. Luke chuckles as he shakes his head at him.

“Way to be subtle, Ash,” he says with a grin as he sits up a bit so he’s straddling Ashton’s hips.

“What? You’re just so fucking hot and I’m horny,” Ashton replies. Luke blushes at the compliment, he’s never been called hot before, cute yes but never hot.

“I can tell,” Luke smirks as he connects their lips. Ashton eagerly kisses Luke, his tongue playing with his lip ring making him moan. Luke drops a hand from his face and palms Ashton through his tight skinny jeans. He then pulls away making Ashton groan to which makes him chuckle. He lowers himself so he’s staring at Ashton’s crotch. His fingers find their way to his jeans and unbuttoned them, pulling them down the his ankles along with his boxers.

“What are you doing?” Ashton asks.

“I’m gonna suck you off,” Luke tells him as he wraps his hand around Ashton’s dick.

“Have you done this before?” Luke glances up at him as he works his fingers on him.

“Many times,” he says with a wink.

“Don’t make me jealous, Hemmings,” Ashton mutters as he grows hard.

“Don’t worry you’re the only one I want, now shut up so I can make you feel good.” Ashton’s a bit taken aback by Luke’s bossiness but finds it hot so he shuts up and let’s Luke get to work. He takes him into his mouth all at once, his tongue circling his tip making Ashton moan loudly. It doesn’t take long for Ashton to cum into his mouth and Luke swallows it all, licking his lips. He brings his lips back up to Ashton’s and kisses him so he can taste himself, it’s gross and hot at the same time. They both pull back breathless.

“Damn, Luke.”

“I know I’m pretty amazing.” Ashton rolls his eyes at him as he pulls his pants up and looks into Luke’s blue eyes.

“You never fail to amaze me,” Ashton tells him, not just referring to how he makes him feel sexually but just being with him. Luke makes him happy, Luke gives him hope that maybe this world isn’t so fucked up after all.

Chapter Text

“I got friends, I got friends

They don't love me like I love them

I love them.”

Daydreamer (Trophy Eyes)

Ashton lays on the couch when the doorbell rings. He gets up to answer it, to see it's Trevor. He hasn't seen him since the shooting. Trevor’s tried calling and texting him but he never picks up. He's not sure why, maybe he's afraid of what his friend thinks of him then again he has been helping him deal drugs for the past couple years.

“Hey,” Ashton greets him, not sure what to say.

“Hey, how are you?” He asks, there's an awkwardness in the air that's never been there before with them.

“Okay, what about you?”

“Same.” Trevor sighs and looks his friend in the eye.

“Why'd you do it?” He asks finally getting the question that's been keeping him up at night off his chest. Ashton sighs and moves to the side to let him inside. They go over to the couch.

“It was stupid, I didn't think anything of it at the time. We were just blowing off steam.”

“So, you didn't know Calum was going to bring a gun to school?”

“No, I had no idea.”

“Why haven't you been answering my calls or texts?” He asks.

“I was afraid you would judge me or think less of me,” Ashton tells him.

“Ash, you’re like my brother. There's nothing you could do to make me stop loving you.” The two smile at each other knowing this has changed Ashton, neither know if it’s for the better or the worse yet.

“Now, what's going on with you and that nerd boy?” Ashton turns red, his cheeks heating up.

“I'm not sure, we're just taking advantage of the time we have left.”

“What do you mean?”

“Trev, it's near impossible for me to get out of this without going to jail.”

“Shit, can't you just run away?”

“No, I have cops watching my every move and the hearing is this weekend. Plus I couldn’t leave Luke.” Trevor looks his friend in the eye, it’s been awhile since he’s seen him this way about someone.

“You really like this boy?”

“Yes,” Ashton tells him smiling at just the thought of Luke.

Luke hasn’t been to a concert in a month nor has he seen his best friend Sam. His mom grounded him from concerts after the shooting and Sam has yet to visit him. Last time he saw him was in the school cafeteria, when he watched Luke walk away with a confused, shocked look on his face. He’s been wanting to text or call his friend but isn’t sure what to say. Luke’s in the middle of watching All Time Low’s new music video when he hears a knock on the front door. He gets up and opens the door to see Sam. He smiles at his friend and lets him inside as he greets him but Sam doesn’t smile back.

“Hey, I’ve been wanting to call or text you. I just wasn’t sure what to say,” Luke tells him as he sits down while Sam continues to stand.

“I’m not exactly sure what to say either,” Sam says to him searching the blonde’s once familiar blue eyes but now they’re the eyes of a stranger.

“Say what’s on your mind, ask what you need to ask.” At first, Sam asks the basic questions that everyone’s been asking then he gets more specific.

“Why did you run after Calum that day in the cafeteria?” Sam asks.

“I knew I had to stop him.” Sam nods looking to his friend as though he’s a stranger.

“What about Ashton? What’s the deal with you two?”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t play dumb, Luke. I saw you and him holding hands at the memorial.”

“We’re sort of seeing each other,” Luke tells his friend blushing.

“Like romantically?” Sam wonders confused.

“Yeah, I guess.” A silence falls over them as his friend begins to pace the floor back and forth.

“You know how messed up that is right? How messed up he is? He came up with this whole idea to murder people and you guys bonded over it? That’s fucked up.” Sam runs his hands through his long black hair not able to understand.

“It’s not like that, Sam.”

“Then what’s it like?” he asks nearly yelling, Luke’s never heard his friend speak like this.

“We just, get each other. And he didn’t know Calum was actually going to do it. He didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt,” Luke says.

“Do you hear yourself right now, Luke? He’s a goddamn criminal, he’s a drug dealer and he helped kill those kids and so did you,” Sam yells breaking Luke’s heart like glass. That’s what he’s been trying to convince himself he isn’t guilty of but deep down he knows their blood are on his hands. He helped kill them and knowing his best friend thought of him as a murderer, broke him.

“Get out!” Luke yells as tears stream down his face. With that Sam runs out of his house as the blonde falls to the floor sobbing. He just lost his childhood best friend. All because of a stupid list.

“They all deserved what they got.” Calum sits with his lawyer in a small glass room with two tables.

“What do you mean by that? Calum, I can’t defend you unless you had a real reason to kill these people. Like was your life or others lives in danger because of these people?” he asks. His lawyer has short dark brown hair and looks to be in his late forties. He has kind brown eyes that Calum trusts for some reason, so for the first time in a long time he opens up to someone.

“I did feel like my life was threatened by the people I had Luke write down.”

“Okay, I’m going to say a name on the list and you’re going to tell me how your life was threatened by each of them.” Calum nods as he taps his foot on the floor nervously.

“Melissa Anderson.” Calum flashes back to freshmen year when he first met her.

“I met her at a party freshmen year, she was pretty messed up. She was basically unconscious but she had only had one drink. I had watched a guy, one of the guys on the list slip something in her drink. He took her to a bedroom and raped her. The next day, I confronted her about it, told her she should report it and that I would support her if she did.” Calum paused looking to the table, tears forming in his eyes that he hasn’t let fall in years.

“I just wanted to help her and she denied it, said I was crazy and had imagined everything. And then I watched that same guy do this at every party. This guy’s name is Spencer Young.” His lawyer looks through a few papers then back up to him.

“He was the first one you shot, you shot him in the back,” he recalls to which Calum nods.

“Now, what about Troye Sivan? Why is he on the list?” Calum begins tapping his foot nervously against the tile floor.

“If I’m being completely honest here, his name probably doesn’t belong on that list. He never did anything bad to me or posed a threat to me or anyone. I put him on there because I was jealous of how he can be who he is without getting judged for it,” he explains.

“Were those the only 3 names you put on the list?” Calum nods, he had put the least number of names on the list yet he was the one who killed 8 of them.

“Do you know why the other boys put the people they put down?” he asks.

“The four guys Luke wrote down bullied him relentlessly for years. I’m not sure about the other boys and why they put their names down.”

“I’m going to talk with the other boys and find out why, if we can prove these people posed a threat you might just have a chance in court.”

Michael sits on the floor of his room talking to a shoebox which he believes holds Matt’s spirit. He talks to Matt a lot these days, he’s the only one who will listen to him without judgement. He’s in the middle of telling Matt how fake the memorial was when his mom walks past his room to see her son talking to a shoebox. She peeks her head inside looking at the son she barely knows.

“Honey, what are you doing?” she asks him making Michael look up startled.

“Talking to the only person who will listen to me,” he states as he crosses his arms looking at the shoebox as if it were a person, and to him it is.

“But there’s no one there, Mike,” she looks at him confused. She knew her son had had a hard time with Matt’s death but what she didn’t realise was that he still is having a hard time with Matt’s death and still isn’t over it. He probably never will be.

“Yes, there is. Now go away so I can get back to my conversation with Matt,” he tells her making her look at her son in a whole new way.

“Michael, Matt died 2 years ago.” He just ignores her and for the first time, his mom wonders if maybe her son isn’t all there.

Chapter Text

“If your heart stops beating, God rest my soul

Dig this grave for two, can’t live without you

It’s hard enough to face the world alone

If your heart stops beating, God rest my soul

Dig this grave for two, can’t live without you

It’s hard enough to face the world alone”

• Blessthefall ft. LIGHTS (Open Water)

Luke sat with his mom and both his own lawyer and Calum’s. Luke was confused as to why Calum’s lawyer would want to talk to him two days before the hearing. He thought Calum was going to plead guilty and so would the rest of them. But he was wrong, as his lawyer had explained it to him, Calum’s lawyer wants to interview each of the boys to see if he can prove that the shooting was self defense. It was a long shot, his lawyer said and most likely wouldn’t work. But it was worth a try.

“Calum told me that the boys you put on the list all bullied you relentlessly. Is this true?” Calum’s lawyer asks him. The blonde nods his head, flashing back to every time he was cornered in the hallway or after school and was beaten.

“Yes, the four boys had been bullying me since freshmen year. I rarely went a day without getting bullied.”

“Did the bullying ever turn physical?” he asks.

“Yes, most of the time it was physical,” Luke tells him.

“Were the injuries ever serious or life threatening?”

“No, most of the time I got a black eye, a lot of scrapes and bruises and I think the worst it ever was when Nate Baker broke my nose.” Luke remembers that day clearly, it was sophomore year and he was on his way to meet Sam at his car when Nate and the rest of his bullies cornered him, pinning him up against the back of the school where they beat him until he was nearly unconscious. Luke had watched many students pass by but not a single one stopped to help him. When they were done with him, he lay helplessly on the concrete ground, his nose bleeding leaving marks that stayed there for weeks and marks on Luke’s heart that stayed there forever.

“Did you ever go to the principle or report the bullying?”

“Yeah, when it first started I reported it to the school and they suspended the boys but when they got back they beat me worse than before and threatened me if I were to report them again. So, I never said anything to the school after that. But they knew I was still getting bullied. It happened on school grounds and sometimes I would spot teachers or the principle watch without doing anything to stop it.”

“Were you relieved when you realised you wouldn’t have to ever put up with them again?” The blonde frantically shakes his head, looking at the lawyer as if he’s crazy. He flashes back to when he watched Calum shot each of his tormentors in the head, ending their lives instantly.

“No, they may have treated me terribly but they didn’t deserve to die.”

Michael was next to be interviewed by Calum’s lawyer. His mom was more observant with him, noticing how he never had any friends over, always went straight to his room when he got home, wore long sleeves or jackets even when it was 90 degrees out and even when he wore short sleeve shirts, his arms were covered with so many bracelets one couldn’t see his skin. His mom couldn’t help but be concerned that he was hiding something under all those bracelets. His mom and him sat in Calum’s lawyer office ready to be questioned.

“Michael, I’m going to read a name off the list and you’re going to tell me why you put that person on there, okay?” the dark haired lawyer explains. Michael nods his head as he plays with his bracelets.

“Mr. Watson.” The name triggers one of Michael’s most painful memories. He looks to his lawyer then back to his mom.

“Junior year, Mr. Watson had found me in bathroom cutting myself. I had just lost my friend to suicide and I was desperate for someone to care but he didn’t. Instead, he marched me down to the principal's office with my arm still bleeding and got me suspended for carrying a knife in school. When my mom came to school to pick me up, they only told her that I got caught with carrying a knife in school. They didn’t care to mention that I had been using that knife on myself.” Michael’s mom gasps at the story, not knowing her son harmed himself. She looks to his arms again, taking in how his bracelets cover every piece of skin on his arms. She turns to him, asking him the question that’s burning in her mind.

“D-do you still harm yourself?” Michael looks to his mom then to the lawyer who looks uncomfortable.

“Not since the shooting,” he admits which surprises both of the adults in the room.

“Why’d you stop after the shooting?” the lawyer asks.

“I didn’t have anyone to be scared of anymore, mine and Matt’s tormentors had gotten what they deserved. The voices in my head lessened.”

“Voices in your head?” Michael’s mom questions.

“Yes, ever since Matt died I’ve had these voices in my head.”

“What do they tell you?”

“They say that I deserve all the bullying I get, that I’m a freak and no one would ever want to be my friend. That I did nothing to stop my best friend from killing himself. That I should kill myself. That’s the voice I hear most often, that I should just end it, end it all.”

“Who's Matt?” he asks.

“He was my best friend since I was in elementary school. We did everything together. He was the only person who understood me. In high school, we both got bullied. I was able to shake it off but Matt wasn’t. Sophomore year Matt swallowed a bottle of pills and overdosed. I was the one to find him.” Calum’s lawyer’s eyes soften as he gives him a sympathetic look.

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Let’s just get back to the questioning.”

“Okay, Paige Edwards.”

“She was Matt’s girlfriend. They had been dating for 3 years when she broke his heart and he never recovered from it.”

“William Morris.”

“He was friends with Michael and I in elementary and middle school. Then we came to high school and he abandoned us for his new group of friends.”

“Josh Griffon.”

“He and his friends, Tyler Gordon, James Kelly and their girlfriends Hannah Myers and Chloe Lane bullied Matt and I in high school. At the beginning it was mostly verbal and I was able to brush it off but then it started getting physical. It was harder to brush it off when we both had bruises and scrapes on our bodies from them.”

“Sarah Woods.”

“She was my science partner. She was nice to me for the most part until she noticed the scars hidden under my bracelets. She called me a freak and made the teacher switch us from being partners. She then spread rumors around the school that I was crazy.”

“Last one, Mr. Jenkins.”

“He was my favorite teacher last year. I thought I could trust him so I told him that I had been depressed since Matt died. He showed no sympathy for me and basically told me to get over it, that Matt was a coward for what he did.”

When Michael and his mom arrived home, her son went straight to his room as she called up Michael’s lawyer and asked for a psych evaluation on her son.

Ashton and his dad sat in the kitchen of their house which is never used with Calum’s lawyer. The lawyer explains to Ashton what he’s going to do and he nods his head.

“Lindsey Knight,” he says the first name. Ashton remembers how hopeless she looked at the hospital.

“She’s my ex girlfriend. She cheated on me.”

“John Miller.”

“He dealt drugs to my mother which ultimately killed her.”

“Kate Jennings.”

“John’s girlfriend who helped him deal drugs to my mother, so did Kevin Smith.” His lawyer looks at him confused.

“If your mother died from drugs, why do you deal drugs?” Ashton’s dad turns to him with the angriest expression he’s ever seen on him. He hadn’t known his son was dealing drugs. He had never asked where his son got the money to pay the bills.

“I have to pay the bills somehow,” he shrugs scared to look at his dad.

“Isn’t that your dad’s job?”

Ashton looks to the carpet as he says the next part, “He’s too drunk to hold a steady job.” His dad is practically fuming and he can tell he’s going to get a good beating once the lawyer leaves.

And just as Ashton suspected, his dad had him pinned against the kitchen wall once they’re alone, hitting every part of his body, holding nothing back. He’s never seen his dad this mad, he’s not sure if he’s ever going to stop beating him. Ashton gives up fighting back and lets his dad beat until he lays on the floor bleeding and head pounding with pain.

“You worthless brat, when I get back I want you and your things gone,” he yells at him, spitting on his face before he slams the door as he leaves. Ashton can’t get himself to stand up he’s in so much pain. He rolls over on his side and calls the only person he can think of.

“Hey, Ash. Late night booty call?” Luke’s bright voice chirps. Ashton tries to hold back a groan as a shooting pain goes to his back.

“Luke, can you come pick me up,” he says in a very weak voice. Luke’s voice loses all its brightness and turns into a voice of concern.

“Yeah, what’s wrong?” the blonde asks.

“I’ll explain in the car, just get here and if I don’t answer the door just come in, it’s unlocked.” He hears Luke starting his car and sighs in relief knowing he’s safe.

“Why wouldn’t you be able to answer the door?” Luke asks confused but Ashton has gone limp, passed out on the floor.

“Ash? Ashton? Ash, you there?”

Luke speeds to Ashton’s, his heart racing in his chest with worry. He arrives there in record time, racing out of his car to the door. He doesn’t bother knocking, he runs inside to see Ashton passed out on the floor. Luke runs to his side, gently shaking him awake.

“Ash, wake up,” he says in a soft, soothing voice. Ashton only groans in pain. The blonde gathers his strength and picks Ashton up bridal style, carrying him to his car where he lays him in the back seat. Luke’s mind races as he wonders if he should drive him to the hospital or not, he decides to take him home and have his mom assess the damage. He drives home, driving fast as he listens to the steady sound of Ashton breathing. He pulls into his driveway and picks Ashton up again, carrying him to the front door. He uses one hand to open the door and walks inside, holding Ashton to his chest.

“Luke? Where did you go?” his mom asks as she enters the hallway, stopping when she sees the boy in Luke’s arms.

“Mom, he’s hurt. I wasn’t sure if it was bad enough to take him to hospital so I brought him here. I don’t know what happened, he just called me sounding hurt and asked me to get him. I don’t know what happened,” Luke rumbles out, trying not to break down in tears. His mom puts a reassuring hand on her son’s back.

“Let’s get him to the couch and I’ll look at his wounds,” she tells him, trying to calm her son down. Luke nods and takes Ashton over to the couch where he gently places him. His mom comes into the room with a first aid kit and kneels on the floor beside Ashton to see his wounds. Luke sits on the floor holding Ashton’s hand as his mom cleans up his wounds which aren’t too bad but as they look over his wounds they notice not all are new, there’s faint bruises all over his tan skin. Luke wonders who’s been doing this to Ashton, he wonders if it's from the drug dealing, he doesn’t even think about the possibility of it being his dad. Ashton begins stirring in his sleep and slowly opens his eyes, taking in his surroundings. He looks around to an unfamiliar women and feels himself begin to panic but then he sees Luke’s blue eyes and he relaxes. Luke looks to Ashton as he holds his hand.

“How are you feeling?” the blonde asks him. Ashton looks around to see he’s in Luke’s family room. His shirt is off and bandages are all over his stomach and back.

“Sore,” he says in a weak voice breaking Luke.

“What happened?” he asks him. Ashton looks to Luke’s mom who is still in the room. She gets up to put the first aid kit away.

“I got beat up,” he says simply like it’s an everyday occasion, which it is for him.

“I know that, but who did this?” Ashton looks into Luke’s concerned blue eyes, knowing he can trust him.

“My dad,” he tells him. In the kitchen, Luke’s mom listens in on their conversation, her heart sinking at the thought of a parent abusing their kid. Luke looks to Ashton with confusion.

“But why? Why would he do that?”

“I don’t know, he makes up a different reason every time he beats me.”

“How often does he beat you?”

“About everyday.”

“How long has this been going on for?” Luke looks to him with that sympathetic look that he hates.

“Ever since my mom died, so 3 years.” Luke’s mom hears this and decides she’s not letting the boy go back to his house, he can stay with them.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I haven’t told anyone,” Ashton admits as Luke runs his hands through Ashton’s curls. Luke gives him a sad look and kisses his temple.

“I’m not letting you go back there,” he says in a small soft voice.

“My dad kicked me out so I can’t anyway.” Luke’s mom comes into the room with a glass of water and hands it to Ashton.

“You can stay here, we have a guest room you can sleep in,” she tells him.

“I don’t want to be a bother.”

“It’s no bother, you’re welcome to stay here as long as you want.” Luke smiles to his mother and Ashton looks to them, remembering how it felt to have a mother.

“Thanks.”

“Now, Luke come help me set up the guest room,” she says as she leaves the room. Luke smiles to Ashton.

“I’m never letting him hurt you again,” he tells him before planting a kiss to Ashton’s lips.

Chapter Text

“I can feel the darkness coming

And I'm afraid of myself

Call my name and I'll come running

'Cause I just need some help.”

• Hurts (Help)

Luke is sound asleep when Ashton shakes him awake. The blonde groans as he looks to his clock seeing it’s 2am.

“Ash, go back to sleep,” he tells him but Ashton only crawls into bed with him, cuddling into Luke’s chest.

“How can you sleep, aren’t you nervous about the hearing tomorrow?” Ashton asks hugging the blonde. Luke wraps his arms around him, pulling him closer, kissing his temple.

“Nothing really happens at hearings. It’s the trial I’m nervous for.” Ashton looks up into Luke’s blue eyes and gives him a gentle kiss.

“We should do this every night,” he says in a vulnerable voice.

“What? Cuddle? I didn’t know you were such a romantic,” Luke teases.

“That’s what being around you does to me.” The blonde smiles at the response and pulls Ashton closer as he goes back to sleep.

Michael stands in the mirror, he wears the same suit he wore at Matt’s funeral. He finishes tying his tie and turns to see his mother in the doorway. She has a look of concern on her face. Michael’s not used to her looking at him like that, like she cares. But she’s cared all along, he just was too blind to see it.

“You look handsome,” she tells her son as she crosses the invisible barrier into his room.

“It’s a hearing, not a wedding, mom,” he states as he turns to face her. She is dressed up as well with a dress and her hair up. Her makeup is beginning to smear with the tears forming in her eyes.

“Michael, I talked to your lawyer. You’re going to plead not guilty,” she tells him.

“But I did it mom, and I would of helped Calum as well.” She looks into her son’s eyes and she’s finally is able to see it, his once bright green eyes are now dull and lack light, they look like they’ve seen a war. He’s not the same kid he was before losing Matt. He’s changed, he’s lost his innocence.

“You aren’t in the right state of mind, Mike,” she tells him as she lets the tears fall. Her son looks at her as if she’s betrayed him.

“So you think I’m crazy now too? That I should go to the nuthouse? Why don’t I save you the worry and kill myself like Matt cause people called him crazy too!” he screams.

“I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you’re ill and you need help.”

Calum changes out of his jumpsuit that he’s been wearing for a month now. He puts on the suit his mom had brought him. His lawyer enters the room.

“You ready, Calum?” his lawyer asks him. Calum nods his head and they head out to the courtroom. The room is silent has he enters with handcuffs around his wrists, he’s led to a seat in the front where the other 3 boys sit. Michael is the only one he’s seen since the shooting. Ashton and Luke can’t look him in the eye, he’s a monster to them while he’s a hero in Michael’s eyes. They all rise from their seats as the judge makes her way down the aisle. She takes a seat on her throne and everyone sits back down. Each of the boys are asked to stand before the judge and state whether they plead guilty or not. Calum is first, he steps up to the panel.

“Calum Hood, you are being charged with 9 counts of murder in the first degree and 8 counts of attempted murder. With these charges as Australia has no death penalty, you could face life in jail with no possibility of parole. What do you wish to plead?”

“He pleads not guilty,” Calum’s lawyer says for him. She nods her head and calls the next boy up to the stand, it’s Ashton. He doesn’t have a lawyer since his dad refused to pay for one.

“Ashton Irwin, you are being charged with conspiracy to commit a murder. If convicted you could face a max of 25 years in jail and 10 years probation, with a minimum sentence of 5 years in jail with 3 years probation. What do you wish to plead?”

Ashton looks to the three boys in front of him, his eyes then rest on Luke’s. From what he read online, he could get a plea deal if he pleads not guilty and face the minimum sentence. But there’s still that slim chance the Calum’s lawyer could get them out of this mess. He looks to Luke’s blue eyes then to Calum’s whose are stone cold.

“I plead guilty,” he says making Luke gasp as he turns to him. Luke’s mother also looks shocked. Michael is next. The judge states what he’s being charged with and what his sentence time could be. His lawyer says he pleads not guilty. Luke’s lawyer does the same. The boys are dismissed and Calum is taken back to his jail cell. Michael catches up to the other boys outside while their mothers chat with their lawyers.

“Why haven’t you guys visited Calum?” he asks them. They both give him a look of confusion.

“Why would we visit him?” Ashton asks stepping forward in front of Luke protectively.

“He did this for us, y’know. So we wouldn’t have to walk the halls scared, so we wouldn’t have to live in fear.”

“I still live in fear, fear that I’m going to spend the next part of my life in jail because of what he did!” Luke mutters causing Michael to roll his eyes.

“No matter what, Calum is spending the rest of his life in an orange jumpsuit. We actually have a chance of getting away with this. You should be thanking him,” Michael states making the two boys stare at him the same way his mom did, like he’s lost his mind, like he’s crazy.

“Thank him for killing 8 kids?!” Ashton exclaimed with disbelief.

“Don’t act all innocent, you came up with the idea to write that list. And no matter what you say now, a part of you wanted those kids dead when we wrote the list,” he states matter-of-factly before he walks off to his mom. Ashton feels tears prickle his eyes. Luke turns to him, quick to wipe away his tears.

“Don’t listen to him, Ash. None of us knew what we were doing when we wrote that list,” he tells the boy, his hands cupping his face as tears pour down his face. Unaware his mom is watching, Luke kisses Ashton where his tears just were, then gives him a quick gentle kiss to the lips, pulling him into a hug.

Michael enters the car with his mom. She starts driving but doesn’t go the way home.

“Mom, where are we going?” he asks her confused.

“We’re going to see a doctor,” she tells him sparing him a glance.

“Why? I feel fine,” he says looking to her as she avoids eye contact.

“You’re not fine Michael.” His eyes search her features unable to read her as they pull up to a building. They get out of the car and walk to the front door. When they walk inside it looks like any other doctor’s office’s waiting room. Except the patients don’t have physical injuries or illnesses, instead they have injuries the eye cannot see. Michael’s name is soon called and he is taken to a small room with no windows. In the room are three chairs, a bookcase and a computer. His eyes scan the books to see the DSM 5 along with other psychology books. A older women takes a seat at the desk with the computer. She offers a polite smile to Michael and his mom but he doesn’t fall for it.

“Michael, I’m going to ask you some questions and I need you to be completely honest with me.” Michael reluctantly nods his head.

“First off, how are you feeling today, Michael?” she asks.

“Confused at why I’m here.”

“What is your mood normally like?”

“It stays the same all the time.”

“And what is it?”

“Sad and angry.”

“How long have you felt this way?”

“Ever since my friend killed himself a few years ago.”

“What impact did his death have on you?”

“I’m still dealing with the impact of his death. I haven’t been happy since he died.”

“Do you blame yourself for his death?”

“Yes.”

“Do you ever have thoughts of suicide?”

“Yes.”

“How often are these thoughts?”

“Every day, every hour, every minute. Not a moment goes by when I don’t think about it.”

“Have you ever attempted to kill yourself or self harmed yourself?”

“Yes, until recently I would cut myself at least once a day.”

“Why did it stop?”

“I haven’t felt the need to recently.”

“When did you start hurting yourself?”

“After Matt killed himself.”

“Why do you harm yourself?”

“The voices in my head, they tell me to, tell me I should suffer like him, that I deserve to be in pain and be alone, that I deserve to die.”

“Are these voices constantly in your head everyday?”

“Yes.”

She asks him more questions and writes some stuff down on a notepad. His mom stays quiet realising her son really is gone. When she’s done asking him questions she puts down her pen and gives them both a sympathetic look.

“It appears you have Schizophrenia. I am going to put you on medication to hopefully reduce your symptoms but I suggest you see a psychiatrist as well.”

Chapter Text

“Don't you dare say I'm gonna make it.

Cause I don't believe a word you say.

There's a sickness living inside me.

You can spare me all your sympathy.”

• Too Close to Touch (Sympathy)

Michael paces his room back and forth, the doctor's words echoing in his head.

“You have schizophrenia.” Tears are welling in his eyes and everything around him is becoming a blur. He shuts his eyes as a memory of Matt comes into his mind.

“Michael, they told me I have bipolar disorder,” Matt tells his friend with a nervous expression on his face.

“No, you don’t. You’re my best friend, you’re not crazy, you’re normal like me. You’re not sick.”

“If I’m not sick how come I do these things that when I’m in the right mind I would never do? How come I go weeks without sleeping or even thinking? How come when I come down from my high, I spent weeks locked in my room, crying not stop, thinking of ways to kill myself?” Michael shakes his head at his friend.

“You’re not sick, I can’t be friends with a crazy person, I won’t.”

Michael sinks to his bedroom floor remembering how lost and broken Matt looked when he said that, how Michael had just left him like that and when he returned to apologize, his friend was lying on the bathroom floor dead, he was too late. He puts his fist in his mouth to muffle the noise of his screams. When he’s done he searches for his one release, his razor.

Ashton, Luke and his mom exit the car, arriving home from the hearing. Ashton goes inside and Luke goes to follow but his mom calls him before he can.

“Luke, can I talk to you for a second?” she calls to him. The blonde turns around and joins his mother in the yard.

“Is Ashton the guy you’ve been seeing, the one that has been making you so happy?” she asks him. Luke avoids eye contact, biting his lip. He’s afraid she’ll have the same reaction Sam did. Speaking of which, he really misses his best friend. He hasn’t talked to him since their fight.

“It’s okay if he is, it’s okay if you two are dating,” she tells him with soft, kind blue eyes.

“We’re not dating, we’re just…., I don’t know what we are.” His mom looks into his blue eyes and she can read him like a book. She knows why her son isn’t dating Ashton and hasn’t dated anyone in a little over a year.

“Luke, it’s okay to be afraid. You got your heart broken last time you gave it to someone but you can’t close yourself off forever. You have to open your heart again at some point.”

“But what if I just end up hurt again? I don’t think I could handle another heartbreak,” Luke tells her as he sniffles to hold back tears.

“Honey, sometimes you have to take the risk. You will never know unless you take a chance. And if it doesn’t end well, I’m always going to be here for you.” The blonde nods pulling his mom into a hug.

“Thanks mom, I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetie.”

Calum sits alone in his jail cell. He’s gotten used to his cell. It’s quiet and dark. The bed is hard as a rock and the bathroom is worse than the school’s but he’s safe here. It’s funny he thinks, everyone says they feel safe with the criminals locked up in jail, yet Calum feels safe locked up away from the real criminals who wander the streets. He spends a lot of his time thinking, there’s not much to do in prison other than to think. They lock you up in a cold dark room with nothing to do and no one to talk to, leaving you with just your thoughts. And there’s no escaping your thoughts. He supposes they expect them to spend this time thinking about what got them in jail and how they regret what they did. But Calum doesn’t regret it, he doesn’t regret a damn thing. The way he sees it is he set Luke, Ashton and Michael free. They no longer have to live in fear of being tormented. They can live their lives without having to constantly look over their shoulder. They can live in peace. And so can Calum, cause he doesn’t live in fear anymore either. He doesn’t fear others, others fear him now.

Michael can feel himself drifting in and out of consciousness as he watches the blood drain from his body. He lays his head back and lets himself doze off. He doesn’t hear his mom arrive home from work, he doesn’t hear her call his name or go up to stairs, he doesn’t hear her open his bedroom door.

“Michael, honey, do you want some dinner?” she asks oblivious to the fact that her son is unconscious on the bathroom floor, his blood dripping onto the tiled floor. When she gets no answer she walks to his bathroom, knocking on the door. She opens the door to see her son lying on the floor.

“Michael?!?” she cries as she runs to him, shaking him awake. His eyes flutter open making her let out a huge breath of relief. She pulls him into her arms, hugging him. She thought she had lost her son, but she doesn’t realise is that this a regular occurrence for Michael. It isn’t rare that when he cuts, he cuts so deep he loses consciousness. He’s used to waking up on the tiled bathroom floor stained with his blood. He’s not used to waking up in his mother’s arms as she cries frantically.

“Are you okay?” she asks him. He nods as he gets out of her grip. Her eyes meet Michael’s open fresh cuts that are still bleeding.

“Why do you do this to yourself?” she wonders as she stands up with him and turns on the sink.

“I’m fine mom, I know how to take care of myself,” he says yanking his arm away from her as he uses his other to open the cabinet where there’s gauze, lots of bandaids and neosporin. She wonders how long her son has been storing those up there. How had she not noticed this sooner? How had she not noticed how her son never leaves his room, how he always wears long sleeves and bracelets, how he never has any friends over, how depressed he is.

Luke lays cuddled into Ashton’s chest, he feels safe in his arms. His eyes meet Ashton’s wanting to ask him the question that’s been in his mind all day.

“What are we, Ash?” the blonde asks.

“I thought we already talked about this. We’re just seeing how things go, having fun.” Luke takes a deep breath, afraid to say the next words.

“What if I want more?” he asks him in a small, scared voice. Ashton sits up more looking at the blonde.

“What do you mean you want more?”

“I mean, I want us to be more than whatever we are now. I want to be with you, I want to be your boyfriend.”

“Luke, you have no idea how much I want things to work out with us, how much I want to call you mine.” Ashton sighs before going on.

“But we’re on trial for murder, one or both of us may end up in jail. I don’t want one of us to get hurt when that happens,” he tries to explain.

“Either way, I’ll end up hurt. I’d rather take the chance with you then wonder what what could have been.”

“I want to be with you, Ashton and I know you want the same. So, will you be my boyfriend?” Ashton leans forward to kiss Luke’s lips.

“Yes, boyfriend,” he says with a smile.