Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jace heard a knock on the door as he was packing.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Hey.” said Alec tentatively.

“Hey,” replied Jace. “I was just getting ready to…”

“Look.” said Alec. “I want to talk to you about earlier. I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it.”

“No, it’s fine. You were right. I have some things I need to figure out. If you hadn’t said what you did,”

“Jace. Stop. You aren’t listening to me. You never listen to anyone. What I said… I didn’t… I don’t…” Alec couldn’t continue. He had just noticed the duffle bag lying open on the foot of Jace’s bed.

“Where are you going?”

“I need to go away. Just for a little while. Like I said, I need to figure some things out. Go on a ‘walkabout’. Isn’t that what they call it?”

“Jace, you can’t just pack a bag every time things don’t go your way. You need to know what I meant when I said..”

“Alec. I can’t have this conversation. I can’t. Not with you, not with anyone. This isn’t how it was supposed to happen. I just came back to grab an extra shirt and some weapons. I wanted to be gone before you got home.”

“Why? So you could run away? Again? Do you know what you did to us last time you left? Can you even understand how that made me feel? Izzy was a mess.”

“Izzy can take care of herself. She’s strong. She’s stronger than either of us.”

“What about me? What am I supposed to do?”

Jace stared at the floor. He couldn’t look at Alec. Not now. Not after what he said. Not after everything that happened. He sat down on the edge of the bed staring into the floor boards as if he could see through them into the study downstairs. There was a crack in the floorboard closest to his bed that he always imaged he would use to make a compartment and hide his most precious possessions. He never actually made the compartment because, he realized, he didn’t have any. It didn’t matter anyway. He wouldn’t get the chance now that he was leaving.
He took a deep breath and spoke after what felt like a year.

“Do exactly what you said you would do. Go on and live your life. Without me. Live the life I’ve been keeping you from living all these years.”

Alec sat down next to him. He was wringing his hands together and picking at his cuticles like he always did when he was nervous. Jace hated it when he picked at his cuticles.
“You know that isn’t what I meant when I said…”

“THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEANT!” Jace was shouting now. He couldn’t keep it in anymore. He had been repeating what Alec said in his mind over and over for the last two hours.
We would all be better off without you.

The room was silent. Jace was fuming. Alec didn’t know what to say. He had finally spoken his mind for the first time in fourteen years and it couldn’t have gone worse. When Jace spoke his voice was surprisingly quiet.

“How can you want me around? After everything I’ve done to you?” He choked on the last few words.

“Alec, I have to tell you…”

“Jace. I don’t want you to say anything you regret. I think I’ve done enough of that for the both of us tonight. Honestly, I didn’t mean any of it. I was angry. I was…”

Jace couldn’t hear him anymore. He kept thinking back to what Alec said earlier that night.

You never think before you speak! You don’t consider the consequences of your actions!

Alec sighed in frustration and flopped down on the bed, his legs still dangling over the edge. Jace couldn’t help but be aware of the way Alec’s shirt inched a little bit higher when he laid down. His hip bones were casting a small shadow onto his lower abdomen. His entire body looked silver in the streaks of moonlight coming through Jace’s window. His black hair was gleaming against Jace’s white sheet.

What about our feelings?

Jace thought for a long time before he spoke. But when he did, the words flowed out of him faster than he could stop them.

“You’re right. You’re right about everything. I don’t ever think about what I’m doing. I never stop to consider anyone’s feelings. Because it isn’t about feelings, Alec. It’s about the fight. It’s always been about the fight.

“I don’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never meant to do anything except be your friend. I tried to be a brother to you. I tried to protect you. I tried to help you… To help Izzy…”

Alec couldn’t keep quiet. “Jace, we don’t need your protection. I don’t need you to protect me. I’m not a child. I am not some delicate thing you can keep in a jar on a shelf.”

Except Jace couldn’t stop himself from thinking about how delicate Alec truly was. His cheek bones were prominent and his jaw line was so strong. He had never lost a fight, and like Jace, he never planned to. But it didn’t matter how many fights Alec won, Jace always saw him as delicate.

“I know, Alec. I know. I was wrong. I was so wrong. You can handle anything. That’s why I have to leave. It is better for both of us. After what you said, I realized you’re right. I have to leave, because I know you can handle it. I know that of the two of us, you’re stronger. You’ve always been stronger.”

Feelings.

“Then stay, Jace! Stay and find out what you could be missing!”

Alec was standing now. He was pacing the room, and this time it was he who was fuming.

“Don’t give up now! You can’t leave me! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME NOW!” Alec couldn’t help but cry. “You can’t leave me like this.” He was on his knees now. “I can’t lose you again. Not again. Please.” His face was buried in his hands.

Feelings.

Jace walked over to Alec and sat down beside him. He moved Alec’s hands from his face and saw each little tear streaming down his elegant face.

Why can’t you admit what we have? I know you feel it!! I KNOW YOU FEEL IT!

“I feel it. Okay? I have felt it for years. I can’t talk about it. I don’t understand it. But I know it’s there. It’s eating at me from the inside. It’s like I have this monster inside me and every time I see you I can feel it taking another little part of me. I haven’t felt whole in years.”

Alec was absolutely stunned. He never expected to hear these words. Much less from Jace. He couldn’t explain how he felt. He knew he should have been thrilled. Ecstatic. But he felt… Angry. He had never been this angry in his life. He tore his hands out of Jace’s and said the words before he could stop himself.

“HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? How could you feel this for so long without telling me? How could you let me walk around for the last three years imagining what it could have been like for us if we had… if we could have…”

Jace tried to take Alec’s hands back but before he knew it Alec was punching him. Hard. He was flat on his back before he could think of a counter attack. But he knew this wasn’t a battle.

This was, as he always thought it wasn’t, about feelings.

Alec stopped attacking as soon as he realized Jace wouldn’t fight back.

“Fight back! FIGHT BACK!” But jace wouldn’t. He had finally figured out what he had been missing all these years.
It’s not about the fight.

Feelings.

Jace pushed Alec off of him.

“I’m not going to fight back, Alec. I won’t fight. Not anymore. Not you, not us. I’m done fighting.”

Alec prepared to take a breath but before he could draw any air his lips were enveloped in the warm, tingling embrace of Jace’s. He had never felt anything as exhilarating or terrifying in his entire life.

There, kneeling on the floor of Jace’s room, the two boys found themselves in the most unlikely, but natural embrace.

Jace guided Alec from the floor and to his bed without stopping to take a breath. Their kiss was only interrupted once, when Jace tore himself away from Alec. For a heart stopping second, Alec was afraid this had all been a dream. Maybe Jace had realized what he was doing and was so freaked out he was going to take that duffle bag, leave, and never come back. Until he felt Jace’s strong arms lift him off the ground and onto his bed. Alec couldn’t think about jace leaving ever again. How had he been so stupid? Jace was here. Jace wanted him. He wanted Jace. This was all there was, all there ever could be…

Jace had never felt so happy in his life than he did with Alec right there in that moment. He wanted to be gentle, he didn’t want to harm his delicate companion, but he couldn’t wait any longer… he hoisted Alec off the floor and gently set him on the bed. He hoped that Alec wouldn’t think he was moving too fast…
Alec ran his fingers through Jace’s hair. It was the softest thing he had ever felt. He could feel Jace stroking his own hair. The last time anyone had touched him like that, he had been a child laying his head in his mother’s lap.

Jace kept touching Alec’s angular jaw. His face was so beautiful. How could he have denied himself feelings like this for so long? Being here with Alec was the greatest moment of his entire life. He kissed Alec’s beautiful cheek bones, then moved down to his neck which smelled better than anything he had ever smelled. He knew he couldn’t but was determined to try to kiss every inch of Alec. Jace could feel Alec running his fingers through his hair. Jace reached down and pulled Alec’s shirt over his head so swiftly that Alec barely realized what was happening. Jace was eager to touch every muscle of Alec’s body.

Alec threw his own shirt to the floor before Jace wrapped his arms around him and pulled Alec on top of him. Alec was so happy to be there, straddling Jace, he couldn’t wait another moment. He skipped the pleasantries and tore Jace’s shirt off of him. Jace was sitting up now, Alec still on top of him, touching his arms, his shoulderblades, his lower back…

Jace stood up, still holding alec, and set him down on the floor. The two boys stood there, staring at each other. For one brief instant they made eye contact. Each of them smiled, and Jace put his hands in front of him. Alec took Jace’s hands in his and squeezed as hard as he could. He wanted Jace to feel how much he cared.

Jace took Alec’s hands and placed them on his own face. He wanted to know what it would feel like to have alec’s hands on him. Alec’s hands… So long and nimble. Agile, strong, and caliced. With Alec’s hands on his face, Jace unbuckled the belt on Alec’s narrow waistline. He slowly unbuttoned the top button of Alec’s jeans. Then he unzipped the zipper of his pants so slowly he could hear the click of every single pair of teeth. He dropped Alec’s pants to the floor and held Alec’s arms to make sure he wouldn’t trip as he stepped out of each pant leg.

“You know,” said Alec, “I don’t need you to treat me so nicely. I told you. I’m not as delicate as you think.”

With that, Alec thrust Jace onto the bed. Jace didn’t expect to be on his bed so quickly. Alec hopped on top of Jace and kissed every one of the muscles in his six pack as he unzipped Jace’s pants. He tore Jace’s pants off of him faster than Jace could open his eyes. He laid on the bed while Alec crept back toward him. Alec kissed Jace softly, and as he broke away from the kiss, took Jace’s bottom lip between his teeth and bit down just hard enough for Jace to know he meant business.

This drove Jace crazy. He wrapped his arms around Alec and threw him down onto the bed.

“Fine. You’re not delicate.” Jace said through his teeth. “Then I won’t be so gentle anymore.”

Jace worked his way down to Alec’s hip bones and stopped. He looked up at alec.

“I have wanted this for a long time.”

Alec smiled like he had never smiled before. Jace ran his tongue along the shadow of Alec’s hip bones.

By the time Jace was finished with him, Alec felt like a completely different person.

The duffle bag that had been on the foot of Jace’s bed had fallen to the floor at some point, but Jace didn’t care. He wasn’t going anywhere. If he could, he would stay in bed forever just to listen Alec breathe and smell his skin.

In the morning, Alec left a note for Jace. Jace read it through twice, smiling as he read.

Alec went downstairs for breakfast. Jace knew he wasn’t too far. But he had just enough time to take the knife out of his bag and carve a hole in the floorboard where the crack was. He slipped the note inside.