Comment on Autobot Defense Unit

  1. AzureDragoonGX on Chapter 3 Sat 24 Sep 2022 02:20AM UTC

    Hello there, fellow writer!

    I suppose I became a bit curious with your recent AssClass fics, as someone who for quite a while held the claim as the only one with the "Yada/OC" Relationship tags on his AssClass fics.

    For that matter, I saw that you've been seeking readers to leave some reviews, what worked and what didn't, so I figured I could be the first. :)

    BTW, before I start, I do hope that you don’t take any of this personally. I am not trying to demean you by any means - I like to build fellow writers up as I rise too. So if you say I’ve crossed a line, then you can tell me to back off.

    First things first, I would highly recommend you add a lot more tags to this work that build the context of your story. 18 to 19 years ago in your description would indicate more of a Canon Continuation work with crossover elements than it does the AU you crafted (and I'm figuring it's an AU due to no mention of Korosensei, this being the “kids’” (18+ yr olds being called kids is a bit too funny imo) first time meeting Karasuma, Aguri being alive and some of Class 3-E not even knowing each other). I think you ought to always play it safe with writing these alternative universes by telling us what main elements of the original source material are changed drastically or even removed, because most readers are probably very aware of said source material’s main details.

    I am taken rather aback by how trusting everyone is, too. Even before I consider the fact that Class 3-E didn’t seem to happen in this AU, it doesn’t take long for young adults to build at least a “trust, but verify” mindset when administration abruptly comes knocking. Not to mention the pitches these Ministry employees throw out is not exactly the most rallying - help us, or we will hurt you. Hiromi might get a pass for Nagisa so quickly accepting this with no further reaction, as she has had a history of being abusive, but Mrs. Kimura being tearfully happy just after she and her son were implicitly threatened harm is glaring. And even with the offer of world-saving glory… I would at least initially refuse private surgery. Then there’s the “real(?)” Autobots who cave to the drone Autobots pretty easily (Twintwist for instance is rather easily convinced Optimus is Optimus in this chapter for example)

    Not only does it seem rather naive of all your main characters to play along so easily too, it also doesn’t make their entry into the team as that satisfying either - think of works with similar team-building for worldly objectives like The Avengers or Ocean’s 11. The Avengers all come from many walks of life and find their way to HQ in many varieties, while Ocean’s 11 made the team-up dynamic by way of differing motivations on top of helping the grand goal. If the assassins’ reasons for participation were more disparate, this team would have many more levels of depth, is what I’m saying.

    Last thing I think you can improve upon is usual sentence structure and pacing. The tendency to make sentences from other characters in a conversation into a single paragraph is not uncommon in the writing world, but in your prose it gets a bit difficult to keep track of, as these interactions are also inter spliced with a flavor sentence in between. Pronouns to restart the dialogue therefore will bring room for possible confusion.

    The pacing of your story is also fluctuating a little dangerously. In the span of a couple seconds, the reader can either travel from Nagisa’s living room to the airport, or is reading over the same five names they’ve already been informed of with only one more addition each time it comes back up. There are a few ways around this - In the former case where the journey is going too fast, try to put focus on the ambitions or reactions of the direct parties, like elongating Nagisa, Karma, and Kayano’s conversation in the car, which also helps us determine their personalities a lot more. For the latter case where the story is dragging, try to omit it entirely - a fade-out essentially, where the explanation is offscreen but you can clearly tell it happened because the characters being introduced say something along the lines of “Well, it’s good to have met you all. Now…”

    Now onto things I did like. Granted, this whole idea of the assassins being basically Transformer’s Pretenders is a pretty cool idea. You do have a decent sense of which AssClass character fits with a respective Autobot for that matter. Also, this seeming idea of the characters being linked to their Autobots by brainwaves makes a clever way for them to be so in sync when it comes to battle and strategy - these alien robots have been by each other’s backs for so long, so it would have to transfer to their human counterparts.

    I hope this has proved beneficial in any way for you moving forward with this story and future ones! :D

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    1. Crusherboy931 on Chapter 3 Sat 24 Sep 2022 09:18PM UTC

      Hey AzureDragoonGX, I'm going to be honest. I appreciate the feedback you gave me. I'm still getting used to posting here, I had an account here for some time yes, but I've been posting to Fanfiction.net. I only just started posting here as to what this one fellow writer told me about FFN shutting down. The reason Korosensei is not in here is because in one story I gave him the name Sone Norburo for his human form. that is who Sone is in here, he is the human Korosensei. The Autobots are well know to trust humans quickly as it has been shown in the multiple Adaptations of the Franchise. though there will be bots who are taken back that their comrades work with humans. I just didn't get to that point of posting yet.

      As for the pacing of the story. I now realize that the transition was a bit hasty so I will work on making it better in the future chapters. In chapter 01 I did have Karasuma say that their memories would get wiped so the "Help us or we will hurt you" I get where you are coming from.

      I'm Glad you liked my way of making the E-Class be pretenders for the Autobots. I hope to at least make all the E-Class members included. though there are some I am having trouble with finding Autobots for.

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      1. AzureDragoonGX on Chapter 3 Sun 25 Sep 2022 02:41AM UTC

        Glad to see you handled my review well - many others I know could learn a thing or two from you. :)

        Thanks for clearing up the Korosensei situation for this fic, but that still also reinforces the idea that it might be best you add tags or a Notes section mentioning that his "absence" is clear in this work, or some coming into this work first out of the rest of yours (like me) will get confused why a Mach 20 yellow octopus isn't trying to make a difference.

        True, Autobots have been altruistic with humanity. But a good number of them also had to warm up to them too, like the Aerialbots (remember the massive egos that were their original G1 personalities [except Silverbolt]?). Others didn't want to initially because of the many colleagues they lost in the war off-Earth and were afraid that putting resources into protecting humanity would only ensure more deaths of their own kind, which built an unconscious wariness with humans too. That's what I'm hoping you'll explore more in the future (which it seems you're taking steps towards, so that's cool).

        Also, Autobots may indeed trust humanity, and they provide both physical and logistical help throughout the franchise, but there's few instances of them allowing humans to command them for any length of time. That's a bit of a big pill to swallow. But if you can stretch out the full extent of John's leadership skills as the story goes on, I think I can buy it.

        There's no shortage of Combiner Autobots, even in G1, let alone the standalone Autobots, so I think you'll be fine putting one from Class 3-E with them. But I sure hope that by doing so, you've also have some new ideas to make these guys' debuts onto the team unique to themselves, rather than the repeated "Hi, I need you to save the world - please come and we won't use force" conversation. And if it is going to have that conversation, please add a little spice, like appealing to Hayami by being her Jazz dance partner or helping Kurahashi save an animal's life.

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        1. Crusherboy931 on Chapter 3 Sun 25 Sep 2022 03:49AM UTC

          I do remember the Aerialbots' egos, so I may have them talk about it in the next chapter. I get that having an Autobot drive up and transform is a bit dull so the next Cybertronian to have a debut will have a new style of intro instead of rolling up and transforming. I'm working on Chapter 06 right now so I will implement some of the ideas you suggested.

          I just remembered this, but the Aerilbots weren't cybertronians that were already around, they had to be made. the Aerialbots in here were already members of the Autobots before hand

          Last Edited Fri 30 Sep 2022 04:13AM UTC

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        2. Crusherboy931 on Chapter 3 Tue 27 Sep 2022 05:51AM UTC

          Also, did you want to be a co writer?

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          1. AzureDragoonGX on Chapter 3 Sat 01 Oct 2022 11:29PM UTC

            That's very kind of you, but I'll have to decline. I am currently on a small hiatus from writing myself (most recent fic, which was AssClass too, just ended and I need a break from it).

            Again, good luck with this fic, and I'll fly by when updates come. :)

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            1. Crusherboy931 on Chapter 3 Sun 02 Oct 2022 02:41AM UTC

              Ah I see. well I am currently working on the chapter that allows John/Optimus Prime to earn the trust of the Aerialbots. If you have any ideas for what I should do, I am happy to take them

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            2. Crusherboy931 on Chapter 3 Sun 02 Oct 2022 02:45AM UTC

              Also, what do you think of this idea I just came up with? Karasuma and Sone are Metroplex and Fortress Maximus

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