Comment on The Ashen Tree — A Persephone x Hades Tale.

  1. Random_Reader943 on Chapter 3 Wed 11 Jun 2025 12:15AM UTC

    I like your style of writing, it's quite poetic - you use very nice wording.

    You asked for comments about what could be improved. I think you can consider making the sentences shorter. There are too many commas in a sentence. Like this one:

    "Her head throbbed with a faint dull, a merciless drumbeat pulsing behind her eyes, blinking against the dim light, slowly coming to find herself lying sideways on a deep black leather couch, with a wool coat placed over her like a blanket, it smelled faintly of smoke and rain, she sat up too fast at the realization, vision tunneling as the room tilted around her, a low groan slipped from the lips as she pressed a hand to her temple, trying to find ground, Persephone’s skin felt cool against her forehead, clammy with the remnants of sleep and too much alcohol. "

    Could be just:

    "Her head throbbed with a faint dull, a merciless drumbeat pulsing behind her eyes. Blinking against the dim light, she slowly found herself lying sideways on a deep black leather couch with a wool coat placed over her like a blanket. It smelled faintly of smoke and rain. She sat up too fast at the realization, vision tunneling as the room tilted around her. A low groan slipped from the lips as she pressed a hand to her temple, trying to find ground. Persephone’s skin felt cool against her forehead, clammy with the remnants of sleep and too much alcohol. "

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    1. R3nr0 on Chapter 3 Wed 11 Jun 2025 12:23AM UTC

      Hey, thank you for reading what I published so far ! I will definitely give it another revision, and will try to shorten the sentences. Thank you so much!

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