Hahabhahahahahaha- no- nono- I chose this. It's not a curse I got to choose the exam date lmao- (it's easier to do it during the holidays rather than whilst I'm studying and doing school-) so it actually is a good day to do it and lucky I had the flexibility to choose it- since scheduling is usually awful for the UCAT-
(I completely get ur medical malpractice horrors- I was born with extra bones in my feet- had to get em surgically removed- yada yada- despite all my life having pain- it wasn't diagnosed until I was a teenager- so that was great- even then surgery was risky af because I'm deadly alergic to anesthetics- I got malignant hyperthermia- yet at the time I wasn't diagnosed- my mom just had a rough understanding she had an allergy that wasn't diagnosed and i most likely had it- so we went into that shit blind because doctors scheduled me to be tested after both surgeries where I reacted both times-)
Btw- as someone wanting to go into medicine- ngl- you are so lucky the needles didn't do anything bad- not to reinforce your fear BUT- I kinda have to. Needles usually can be severe causes for paralysis and infections taking place when done wrong- like- HOPEFULLY- they changed the needles each time as reusing them is one of the most dangerous things that can be done- so you are lucky nothing came of it- so I can use that as evidence to say you probably ain't that cursed since that is a stroke of luck in a shitty situation
And lastly- a shaman may be your best bet- they deal with bad spirits- bad vibes and curses- churches usually just deal with demons and ngl- less likely it's going to be your inner demons making you suffer with bad luck because they need you alive to make you suffer mentally-
Yeah i just ended up with a giant bruise after that made my arm feel like i was pulling on my veins every time i extended it for a while. Not sure if the nurse didnt wrap that spot (since she poked me twice in that area and i only had one wrap) or if i took the pressure off too soon (ive never had an issue before but hey it can happen and im open to admitting my own mistakes)
(I appear to have gone on a random medical rant… apologies)
Actually i think that bit about needles might be part of the root of my fear, since i also hate decay and germs etc (can not tell you how many times ive launched myself across a room because i found moldy fruit). Its really about bad things being put into my body and having terrible effects
About the foot thing not being diagnosed until you were a teen, i have a similar thing where i walked around with a dislocated tailbone for years until i figured out what the problem was and just mostly fixed it myself. Not the proper way, because that way is rather invasive, but similarly to how i can pop my rib back into place when its bothering me. Its a bit of a weird one to talk about, but i TOLD my doctor there was definitely something off about how soft the base of my spine was!
I had a risk to get an allergy for penicillin but apparently ive had similar things prescribed and no reaction to those meant im probably good. On the other hand i got to say hello to the autoimmune disease associated with hyperflexibility (the source of all my ills, it seems) which, apparently, i have a family history of rheumatoid arthritis and my doctor still didnt believe me when i first brought up chronic fatigue.
On the other other hand… im allergic to most common seasonings. Only mildly, but it means that meat tastes terrible or like fire. So… anemia. Had an extreme episode where i guess my body just couldnt make up for it anymore and over the course of a few weeks i became unable to stay even partially awake for ten minutes in a row. Ever since its been hard to tell the difference between dreams and memories because people kept trying to force me to wake up for no reason other than i was sleeping and they insisted it was just because i had slept too much. Still annoyed over that actually.
Recently… i have been advocating for possible brain damage after some Dangerous depression-induced self neglect.
My doctor said that i didnt need a brain scan.
And yet recently there has been a realization that hey, im showing concerning neurological symptoms beyond the memory loss that everyone keeps saying is normal because i have (proven) false memories from a very flashy game and also have a laundry list of light sensitivity in terms of overstimulation.
Like, i go a little zombie mode when my social battery dies, and in this state light becomes a little dangerous in that it makes my brain fog double, “hey did i tell you about this time on Halloween my friend had to drag me out of the road because i was staring at headlights”
I still have a few years left before i reach the point where she drops adult patients (because shes a pediatrician, though she lets us stay for a bit… apparently as long as we dont get married rip my older sister) and shes been my doctor since literal birth.
At the same time i feel like she thinks im just googling random medical things and deciding i might have them instead of reading and comparing dozens of medical research papers before i even bring it up. She said once that she thinks i register too much of the sensation in my body and thats why i have so many issues and im like… okay but all of the things ive actually pushed on ive eventually gotten confirmed diagnoses for???
People deny that i could have things when theres evidence that i dont even know about, like the rheumatoid arthritis, and even when they KNOW I HAVE IT (my mother is a behavioral therapist, which mostly deals with autism. Child me was asked by a classmate if i had autism. I said “no my mom would tell me”. I asked my mother. Years later “oh i knew when you were like five and followed the day of the week labels on your clothes, i just thought you didnt need to know and it wouldnt be helpful to you.” Mother why)
Another thing was the adhd. I had 8 different people that i had counted up at one point who said i had similar traits to adhd, many of them with adhd themselves and the others my therapists. Multiple therapists. My older sister also has adhd, she was part of the former group. Still denied until my doctor ended up suggesting it as well.
Now theres talk of getting me registered for some sort of disability aid and *I* started saying that hey its looking like things are only going to get worse as i age maybe we should start setting up a paper trail regarding my issues for when i need it and i was told “no thats not necessary”
I feel like its only gotten worse since the anxiety and ocd diagnosis. Half of what i suggest seems to be assumed as paranoia.
Sometimes my mother (who is the one who has been supporting me with most of this because i was a child and then i was severely burnt out on all accounts) says something along the lines of “oh you dont need to prove things to me” and meanwhile im setting up plans to give them tasks to “help me” in order to prove im doing certain things or because they insist im not letting them help me and then complain about what i say they can help with, usually calling it ridiculous. If i ruled out trying things because they’re ridiculous id get nowhere! It makes me feel like a parent giving an older child tasks to do to help with a new baby so that they arent jealous of the time spent on the baby.
I now have a strong hatred for the words “excuses” and “ridiculous”.
“You always have a reason, its just an excuse” yes why else would i be doing something!?!
Everyone has a reason for why they do things. Sometimes that reason doesnt justify whatever theyre doing but that doesnt mean that it doesn’t exist or that it means nothing! Excuses are lies in the shape of reasons, they arent the actual reason for why someone does something.
Agh they drive me insane sometimes. Maybe its partly my own fault, because when i was a kid i never talked to them about anything like this, but sometimes they do things that are the opposite of what i need and dont listen when i tell them that. (My mother grabs me for deep pressure therapy when i tell her to stop restraining me while im having a panic attack because me going limp and quiet after escalating is it stopping via exhaustion not because ive been grounded. Shes actively stopping me from grounding myself when she does that i haaaate it)
All of my mental health stuff and how it ties into the classification of “gifted”—i hate that name. Its detrimental when everything evens out, because everything eventually does even out academically, and a child is left behind in social skills. Too many people from that classification feel like theyre broken or that theyve failed because theyre no longer far ahead of their peers and theyve come to rely on the praise they get from everyone. Ive thought about it in and out but theres not really a way to prevent a child who picks up academic skills faster than social skills from ending up with self esteem issues. You can control your own response, but how much praise is too much? Never praising good work that goes above average is detrimental, praising too often is detrimental, only praising work that required effort is detrimental because of how little opportunity kids like this get to put actual effort into something.
Its part of why i want to be a teacher.
Ive always wanted to be in education in some way i think, since one of the earliest actual “dream jobs” i recall having as a kid was to be a school librarian lol
But part of it is also wanting to give others a little of the guidance i never got while i was struggling.
In my worst years, i kept physically neglecting myself in the hopes that someone would notice… and no one ever did. I just like kids in general because i feel the way we interact with the world when we’re still learning about it is wonderful. But i also want to prevent at least one child from falling into a situation like that, even if its just preventing them from falling as deep.
Okay this got away from me, this might be a bit of an overshare but its three am and that is the time of bad decisions so im just going to post it and sacrifice my future self to the feeling of regret
I should mention though, that in my many many struggles reading has always been a comfort. Apparently i taught MYSELF to read (i just matched the words i heard to the words on the page, which is weird for me to remember but i do, and then somehow connected those words to other words in a different book) so that goes to show how much of an innate part of myself it feels like.
When i was in the dark moments i made the decision to push onwards because of my cat… and because there were still so many stories out there, yet to be read or even written, that i wanted to see.
She gave me strength and still does, but i would have never made it without authors like you and the joy your stories bring. I can never thank any author enough for that, because stories, every bit of them, still give me and so many others comfort and joy. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Funnily enough? I learned how to read the same way-
Also, if you are truly experiencing such medical malpractice (yes, I am naming it that way; doctors should advocate to assist you, and you are allowed to look for a second opinion), remember there is no shame in looking for others' opinions. And make a damn diary- just on your phone, on notes or smth, just documenting everyday issues caused by any of your disabilities. It is valid proof and will help when applying for disability pay. I am in my own process of that myself. Get letters- as many as you can for your medical history, and keep them somewhere safe because they ask for those types of things. Trusted doctors? Ask if they can write you a supporting letter. Literally, the more proof, the more they seriously consider you for the higher disability allowances and the less likely they will make you go through another assessment to validate your reality. Paper trails are a good idea, but if you can, your situations will be on your GP's medical record, so just get them to print an up-to-date medical history.
Don't listen to people denying your reality; you validate yourself, and if you are old enough, take control of your own medical journey. I had been since I was 17 and regretted not doing it sooner, as apparently being registered as disabled would have been much easier when I was little.
And self depression neglect? You expanded on a lot more, but this sticks out. Something I have been warned about before is that chronic pain will only feed into depression. Do what you can to manage your health because it seems to have already taken a toll on your mental health. I get that sometimes it can be difficult, but mental health has no rules- if it is too hard to brush your teeth for two minutes? Just do it for one- if it is too exhausting to make a sandwich, but you don't want to starve? Eat the sandwich pieces separately. Can't you brush your hair every day? Wear protective hairstyles to avoid them tangling in the first place. Doing something is better than nothing. Something is better for your mental health than nothing and will make things manageable. I'm sure you have your routines, and I am sure you have coping methods- even a support system you may not acknowledge yet. Maybe you don't, but be your own support when you have the energy to be.
You are an incredibly strong-willed individual already, whether you recognise it or not. It takes willpower to get through each day when each day is hell. I know. I have been dealing with flare-ups with my own chronic pain for 3 days straight now, I want to scream- pull my hair out- chop my literal legs off because it will feel better than the way they ache- spikes of pain at every involuntary and volentary twitch- i can't even put it into words but i haven't made a sound- i go through the pain like normal and endure it. Masking the pain but experiencing it, and I don't feel shitty emotionally since my willpower and logical reasoning aren't much bothered any more. Because I know it will dull, I know I have felt worse, and I know that spiralling isn't an option. Unfairly, I have mental strength that a therapist has actually praised because I don't let it bother me emotionally. You may feel worse than me daily, physically, and a lot more emotionally and yet you still strive through each day. You are strong-willed. Have faith in yourself for that.
And yes, a mother's support is a great thing to have. My own mom actually has her own chronic pains and disability, so she relates to and supports me. Now that I am old enough, I do the same for her. She knows what it is like, and she makes sure to advocate for me. I'm glad to hear your mom helps you in meaningful ways, too.
Basically- Talk to your mother about plausibly seeing another doctor who doesn't have bias about your concerns of brain damage, that could be a hard convo, but she will ensure you get that brain scan. Though emergency departments will do it too, just scold you for not coming sooner.
Don't apologise for the random medical rant, normalising your experiences is essential. I normalise my issues, make statements and jokes regularly enough because it isn't wrong to want people to be aware and accommodating, it isn't like you are trying to do this for pity, it is just nice to speak up. Life is abilist, and it sucks, but people only get perspective when they actually have it spelt out for them. Not a great thing by any means. Though it does mean I completely understand the need for normalcy.
And for the anaemia, maybe look up more alternatives? I think spinach is good. And seasonings aren't the only way to flavour food, aromatic foods like leeks, garlic and onions work well. Search up recipes that include meats in sauces where less seasoning is used- it might make the meat more edible. Or it might not, and that is okay. Mushrooms tend to have a lot of good things that might help substitute some of the nutrients found in meat, too. Just figure out a diet (not restrictive-) that works with your palate alr?
I wish you good luck for today and for every other day-!!!!
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