Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Year 847

It was a warm summer morning when Esther stood before the steps that went down to a hole she dreamt for so long to escape. A nest that had been her heaven and hell, left behind her at last. Invisible earth was stuck under her nails from climbing her way up through blood and tears.

The streets were empty at the early hour, and she’d been awake before the sun was even born, waiting for this exact moment for hours. For days. For years. 

She looked up, stared at the sky and saw the soft clouds forming. She felt the breeze on her face, touching her dark hair ever so gently. Her hands felt numb by her sides, and her lips were parted as tears of relief streamed down her cheeks. Tears of happiness for achieving freedom, and tears of mourning for what could’ve been. A faint smile for all the nights she had lied awake dreaming, a simple sigh for finally standing beneath the sun, and a tear for doing it all alone. A curve of the inner corner of her eyebrows for realising that even if the sky was endless, it still wasn’t as big as her love which brought her out. Her desperate need to reunite with what had been lost so excruciatingly. The sun brought out the green specks of her hazel eyes with no one to witness their beauty. The hidden gems that were suppressed for so long.

Esther understood a few things at an early age. Life was cruel and merciless, and it seemed to be that way to her in particular. She was alone, she had always been alone, and she always would be. People around her were no more than a passing memory, she knew that. But she couldn’t and wouldn’t accept being ripped apart from her loved ones. Because from what she understood, there was no such thing as living without them by her side. 

A white bandana was wrapped around her neck, and a drawing of a family portrait was safely tucked away in her pocket. Feeling their presence was enough for that morning, and the artificial warmth they provided. It had to be enough.

Chapter Text

Esther’s tired eyelids fluttered open under the scorching sun, her hands interlocked behind her. The soil beneath her boots was warm, and her jacket caused her to sweat profusely.

The Chief Instructor’s interrogating shout wasn’t too far away as a cadet got scorched in addition to the noon heat. It triggered a headache, making her uncomfortably crack her neck.

Her carefully braided hair was tight on her scalp on each side, and her hands twitched to loosen the twists. There was an invisible tug in her mind, forcing her to glance sideways to her right.

“And what are you called?” The Instructor’s intimidating face suddenly appeared in her vision, causing her shoulders to tense up.

She shook off the invisible force of a distraction, and placed her right fist over her heart in a solid salute. 

“My name is Esther, sir, from Ehrmich District.” She answered briefly, the rehearsed reply falling from her lips with ease.

Instructor Shadis leaned down, his wide eyes accompanied by a deep frown with wrinkles all around it, his face sculpted into a hostile scowl. She felt stares at the back of her head.

“What the hell did you come here for, then? You won’t get the chance to powder your pretty face here.” He spat, green eyes carefully searching her own.

She opened her mouth to answer–

-To kill the titans. I will eradicate every last one of them, until their existence is wiped from this world.

Esther turned her head to her right, the sharp whirl sending a jolt to her shoulder. A confused frown decorated her face at the interruption of the boy standing beside her. His face set in a firm glare, eyes blazing with determination as he faced forward, and she could do nothing but stare with her lips parted in puzzlement.

What-?

“I asked you a question, cadet!” Shadis yelled in her face, his spit hitting her skin and filling her with disgust.

She almost recoiled, almost grimaced and quite possibly almost got kicked out of the Cadet Corps. Her mind went numb, and she forgot the answer she so carefully crafted weeks before joining the corps.

What was her answer?

“I- I w- I will kill the titans. I want to kill every last one of them.” She blurted, her search for her memories coming up short. Her reveal ended with an unsure gulp. 

This couldn’t be possible. She never forgot a single thing, her memory was her treasure, her most valuable aspect, how could she freeze like that?

A cold drop of sweat formed on her nape, and slid down along her spine. She saw the boy glancing at her from the corner of her eye. She was paralysed under the Instructor’s unblinking stare, she couldn’t dare to meet his eyes even if she wanted to.

“A Scout, then?” Shadis straightened cheerfully. “Perfect. They were short of titan bait recently, you’ll make do just fine!” 

༻✿༺

The first day of boot camp and the initiation of becoming a cadet filled her nerves to the brim. Her legs were trembling when she made it to the barracks.

She picked a bunk bed at the far corner of the room, sitting on the bottom mattress and wiping her sweating hands on her white pants. The uniform felt strange on her skin, the high waisted jacket was tight at first try, making her movements feel limited. The boots were too high, and she hadn’t even put on the body belt that would allow her to operate the ODM gear yet.

What am I doing? What am I doing? Am I really doing this? Her mind ran thirty miles in three seconds, giving her a headache as the other girls chose their beds for the next three years, settling in while carrying out brief conversations to get to know each other.

Her duffle bag was already emptied. The only clothes she owned had been packed by Elsa, and Esther made sure to carefully put them away in the wardrobe.

The family portrait she carried everywhere was filled with a cross shaped wrinkle from being folded in her pocket for years. She temporarily hid it in the drawers of the bedside table, safely tucked away in one of her books. The mere existence of it scared away the doubts and questions misting up her mind. The path she chose was the only way forward, the single passage to freedom, to living, and to being happy again. To feeling whole. 

“Hey,” A voice called for her attention. Calm, quite possibly dreary, and not radiating friendliness from what she could tell. “Can I take the bottom bunk?” 

Esther looked up, facing the girl that stood above her. Her half lidded eyes were eyeing the bed she was sitting on while she kept her distance. Her blonde hair was tied at the back, a group of loose strands curtained one side of her face. Her blue eyes made Esther feel the cold icicles pierce her skin.

“Oh,” Esther eyed the room in a quick glance. The dormitory was almost full, and all of the beds were taken except for the ones near the undesirable entrance. “Of course.” 

She stood up, climbed up the ladder and found herself feeling reluctant to do so. Her inability to refuse was frustrating, yet she believed it was important to get along with her new classmates and not create problems from the get-go. Her previous experiences with kids weren’t anything pleasant, and she hadn’t had any practice to improve over the years. She didn’t expect the Cadet Corps to be any different.

“Thank you.” The girl placed her own bag under the bed, taking advantage of the vacant space without emptying her belongings, like she was simply a passing guest for the night.

Esther gave a simple nod instead of an answer, the conversation ending in a split second. 

She pulled her knees to her chest, resting her feet on the steps of the ladder in order to keep her bedsheets clean. Arms wrapped around her legs and chin resting on her bent knees, she stared out of the window placed near their beds.

The sun was setting, the sky was in a breathtaking pinkish colour, clouds slowly disappearing to make way to the stars. It felt surreal to have a bed near a window. It felt magical to look out and see the sky and breathe in the fresh air, and something ominous at the back of her mind made her feel like she was dreaming, like she was going to wake up any second on the couch that’d been her bed for the last three years. Elsa would be preparing breakfast in the kitchen, and the room would be illuminated by candles and oil lamps. She felt like a fugitive prisoner who had no right to roam free on the face of earth. 

She shook her head, the distant memory dissipating as the clock struck five, and the girls started to empty the room for dinner.

Noticing they were rid of their uniforms, Esther climbed down the ladder to copy them. She was relieved to be free of her newly assigned clothes when she changed into her casual ones. The tunic Elsa sewed for her was new, the colour of dusty pink was quite similar to the one she owned as a child. The texture was different though, and the feeling of belonging was lacking. The thought itself made her heart feel empty, the need for familiarity scratching the walls in its lonesome.

She put it on nonetheless, wearing her own boots over her burnt umber pants. 

Trailing after the other girls brought her to the mess hall and its supposedly inviting open doors. Two torches burned bright on each side of the entrance, beckoning her closer. The loud voices coming from inside, however, caused her steps to halt.

She could imagine the numbers that were present inside, simply there to have their dinner and to socialise. The sight of the long tables inside was redolent of Halo, and the unpleasant memory created a barricade before the door, trying its best to make her feel unwelcome. 

She somehow managed to break through the invisible barrier, got her tray and found herself a lonely spot somewhere at the back.

Facing the wall didn’t isolate her from witnessing the chattering behind her. They were kids like her, some older, sharing what they wanted to be after completing their training of three years. The numbers were high, and it was unrealistic that almost all of them wanted to join the Military Police. It was revealed that only the top ten cadets would be able to pick the regiment, and Esther had no eager eye on the currently empty spots. 

They talked about families, they talked about their homes in different districts, and they talked about the titans. She felt like she was living in a bubble, breathing in with her nostrils blocked and her head getting dizzy from the unfamiliarity of it all. These were different kids to what she was used to, with different problems and unrelated thoughts. All with a single common goal to make her feel alienated. 

A frustrated sigh flared her nostrils, and she abandoned her half eaten food to throw herself outside.

The fresh air and the lack of loud conversations opened up her mind, even though she could still hear the legacy of their voices.

The stars shone bright over her head, attracting her eyes as she sat down on the steps. It was strange to see the sky as a whole, and not as a snippet from an opening in the earth.

The full moon was glowing brightly, looking as beautiful as ever and outshining everything around itself. The world was so much bigger than she’d anticipated, the sky endless and the trees taller than her audacity to pursue a dream she once deemed impossible.

The earth was dry, yet a single lavender managed to bloom through the cracks. Its bright purple, almost pinkish petals fluttered in the breeze. How strange it was to see it all by herself, when she’d imagined her family would be by her side to experience it with her.

A crestfallen smile tugged at her lips, and she contemplated picking the flower.

“Hey.” A voice startled Esther, a boy she hadn’t noticed approaching stood behind her, his shadow falling over her and blocking the light coming from the mess hall.

She turned and looked up, his face adorned with shadows was familiar to her eyes from the initiation. 

“Hi.” Her meek voice responded, and he took it as an invitation to step beside her on the porch. 

He took one step down, the floorboard shaking under the impact, and the arms wrapped around her legs tightened uncontrollably.

She watched him sit next to her, not before his eyes scanned the area before them. A cadet named Sasha was still running laps, suffering the consequence of eating a potato right before Instructor Shadis. Esther could hear the quick breaths she was taking, and her slouched shoulders were the only residents of the empty space apart from them. 

Esther averted her eyes, uncomfortable with the boy’s presence next to her. His voice was still echoing in her head, and she frowned at the familiarity of it when he opened his mouth, despite never hearing him talk.

“So, you wanna kill the titans?” He asked, watching Sasha with elbows resting on his knees.

He appeared more comfortable than her, more confident, meanwhile she felt herself shrinking beside him as if the vast sky on its own wasn’t enough to make her feel small. 

“Uh,” She wanted to say no. She wanted to admit she knew nothing about the titans and what they looked like, but then what was it that made her give that answer to the instructor? And why did she imagine the boy sitting beside her interrupt her when that wasn’t the case? What was the original answer she crafted weeks ago? She couldn’t remember for the life of her.

“Yes. Yes, I do.” She answered, hoping her voice didn’t come out as unsure as she was feeling.

He looked at her then, and she felt his eyes on her before she noticed him move from her peripheral vision. 

“Me too.” He revealed, and she somehow knew it already.

His unbreakable gaze called for hers, and she turned hesitantly to look at him. The light of the torches reflected on his irises, they were wide and determined. What she initially thought were blue eyes now looked grey under the dim light, an indecipherable colour that ignited specks of green. His frown seemed like a set feature on his face, and she wondered what made him dangerously undaunted. 

“Everyone inside wants to join the Military Police, it’s all they talk about.” He added, a frustrated sigh leaving his lips. “It makes me sick.” 

“You don’t like the Police?” She dared to wonder, the reveal being the first common feature they shared apart from her nonsensical lie. 

“Why would I? They’re willing to spend their entire lives inside the walls while the real soldiers lay down their lives for a glimpse of freedom. They’re a disgrace to humanity.” He spat, the reason of his hatred surpassing hers in passion.

She raised a surprised brow, and quickly looked away to hide it from him. 

“Is that what you want? Freedom?” She asked, her eyes back on the lavender dancing with the weak wind. 

“Of course. And the only way to achieve that is to get rid of those titans. Do you not want the same?” His careful eyes examined her face, the look behind them curious as to why she suddenly looked sullen.

The few dark strands escaping from her braids caressed her temple, the breeze pushing it over her ear. The rest of her sat motionless, a band of memories passing before her glazed over eyes.

“I do.” She answered, her voice not feeling like her own.

Somewhere behind the building of the mess hall, Sasha collapsed on the ground, the sound reaching them but not kindling any reaction.

“And that’s a noble dream.” The boy’s voice brought the light back to her eyes, and she raised her head to look at him. He was staring into the moon as if his goal was laying right before his eyes, waiting for him to reach out and take it. “I’m glad to have found someone who thinks like me.” 

Esther almost smiled, his words sounding sentimental for a first ever conversation, yet it was enough to relax her tense muscles.

It must be important for him, she thought as the breeze touched his dark brown hair, pushing back his bangs into a natural middle-part. 

“Do you have a name?” She asked, the format of the question making his eyebrow twitch.

“‘Course I do. It’s Eren.” He introduced himself.

“I’m-“

“Esther, from Ehrmich. I was right beside you.” He stated as if she wasn’t already aware of his presence. Not only physically, but also mentally as he unexplainably invaded her mind.

Her theory was to blame the scorching sun, which must’ve triggered a brief hallucination under the unbearable heat. 

Eren glanced at his hands before raising one for her to shake.

“Nice to meet you.” He looked expectant, which encouraged her to place her comparably smaller hand into his. 

Eren’s fingertips were cold, and the rest invitingly warm. His skin felt soft and his firm grip contrastingly harsh.

His hand froze against her touch and his wide eyes stared through her momentarily.

Esther frowned at the suddenly thoughtless look behind his gaze, his fingers caging hers and deeming it impossible for her to retract her hand.

“Are you alright?” She asked, her own fingers twitching in discomfort.

Life taking over his mind back, he immediately relaxed his hand, let go of her and cleared his throat.

“Yes, sorry, thought of something weird just now.” He said mysteriously, looking down at his lap with a frown.

Esther felt the change in the air, and the silence that took over Eren was an indication that the conversation wouldn’t go any further.

She took one last glance at the stars as if wishing good night, and pressed her hands on the floorboard for support as she stood up.

“I should go. We have to be up early tomorrow.” She let out an awkward cough. “Good night.” 

Eren murmured a reply, his eyes catching the sight of a single lavender wavering under the breeze as Esther walked away. Half of its petals were laying on the ground, cut from their life source.

He stood up, walked over and picked it, the impulsive and meaningless action leaving his mind in a haze until his name was called by a friend, who pulled him out of his trance.

The flower was then thrown back to the ground, to be forgotten and to be crushed under someone’s unforgiving step. 

Chapter Text

If Esther was good at something, it was observing the people around her as they simply existed. It was memorising their attributes, and the things they said and did. She was good at being alone, sitting by herself in the mess hall and not interacting with anyone in classes unless someone took it upon themselves to start a conversation, which didn’t occur regularly. 

She excelled at keeping quiet and pretending like she didn’t exist. She seemed to not exist in the eyes of the people around her either, Eren being the only exception, and that was only because she was the only one beside him who was keen on joining the Scouting Legion.

Still, he gave her a nod each time their eyes met in lectures and trainings. His little show of acknowledgment reminded her that she walked on the face of the earth, that she was not dreaming or hallucinating, that she was someone. And she appreciated his silent presence at the corner of her mind. 

On her second night, she asked her bunk mate if she had a name. She didn’t recall hearing it.

Annie, it was, and Annie didn’t care enough to ask for Esther’s name in return. So she kept quiet, grateful for simply receiving a response. 

She spent her first week attending lectures with utmost concentration and gave her best during the trainings. She kept the drawing close, held it against her chest when going to sleep to remind herself why she was doing what she was doing. Lately, she was refraining from running her fingers along the faces residing on the paper, afraid of smearing the charcoal and erasing them for good.

She dreamt of the absent people that kept the void in her heart waiting to be filled again, she walked around the barracks and found all the flowers that had the courage to break through the dry soil. 

The training grounds were near a forest, trees high and green, just like she had imagined. She loved going there. She loved sitting against a tree trunk and closing her eyes, hearing the rustle of the leaves and the singsongs of the birds as they told stories she couldn’t understand. 

On her second week, she officially met Sasha Braus under a redwood tree. Reddish brown hair in a ponytail with bangs above and around her light brown eyes. A gleeful expression on her generally lighthearted face.

She asked if Esther was coming there a lot to close her eyes, because apparently she’d been doing the same. Sasha said she came from a village called Dauper surrounded by nothing but nature for miles, that her family and the villagers had been hunters for generations. She said she missed it already, and asked Esther if she missed her home too. 

It was a strange question to think about, and the answer she came to realise was stranger because she did miss it even though the thought of going back rendered her pale.

She missed the small house that she spent her short childhood in, the kitchen that was right next to the living area and the ajar window that let the noise of Marcel and his friends in. She missed the smell of the morning tea that woke her up, and the one that felt especially warm during sleepless nights. She missed stories told at the dinner table, and gentle hands braiding her hair. She missed reading books in a bed that was not her own, and a comforting presence sitting under the glow of an oil lamp beside her.

Oh, she missed it all so painfully. 

Sasha stared at a tear that slid down Esther’s cheek with wide eyes, immediately apologising in a slipped up accent that Esther didn’t consider to mention. 

“I do miss my home.” Esther answered, wrapping her arms around her legs and burying her face in her bent knees until only her tearful eyes were visible. 

Sasha seemed clueless on what to say to comfort her, so she just sat beside her. With their backs resting against the solid trunk, they listened to the birds and the occasional sniffs of Esther. It was enough to have someone by her side, someone who shared a similar longing in her heart.

She thanked Sasha before they stood up to leave, and Sasha couldn’t understand why.

In that same week, she was put in a pair with Armin Arlert during a morning lecture. They were to make a list of the differences between Pomegrenades and Grapeshots. With her memory and his attentiveness, they managed to finish before everyone else and they got the highest points from their lecturer with their thorough list. 

Her observant mind allowed her to realise that Armin wasn’t much different than her. He stared a lot, listened a lot, and watched a lot.

He asked her why she always sat alone during meals, when even Annie had people adorning her table. 

“It’s not that I prefer it that way. It’s just how it is.” Esther replied, not knowing what else to say.

Her nature was to be alone, and she was tired of chasing after a warmth of familiarity. She could only do it for so many people. 

At dinner, Armin kept his eyes on the entrance and waited for her to walk into the mess hall, and raised a hand to wave her over the second she stepped in.

Esther blushed at his invitation, and the sight of Eren and Mikasa sitting across from him rendered her nervous, reluctant but still with a crumb of desire to sit with them. To talk to people around her age, to have someone she could call a friend for the first time in her messed up life.

So she waved back, and she sat next to him with her tray.

Armin was kind, and Armin was understanding. He asked her questions about herself and never let her feel the awkwardness of silence, never let her think she was intruding.

He asked questions about Ehrmich, about why she decided to join the Cadet Corps, about what her family thought of her decision.

He talked about himself and his friends when he realised that she wasn’t too eager to reveal her cards just yet. He said they came from Shiganshina District, where the Colossal Titan first attacked. 

“What was it like? If you don’t mind me asking.” Esther asked curiously, and all three of them averted their eyes.

Suddenly the foods on their plates were more interesting, and Armin informed her that it was the living depiction of hell. That people got eaten, crushed and killed right before their eyes, families destroyed and homes left abandoned. 

A frown took over Esther’s face, a hesitant one that made her doubt her decision for a split second. She’d been isolated from the titans her whole life. Her problems lied within other people and hostile was the form of a man with a bleeding knife in his hand, not a giant creature that chewed humans alive.

Eren noticed her reaction, and forced a confident smile through the pain of his memories.

“Don’t worry, they’re not that tough. When we join the Scouts, we’ll kill them all and take back what’s ours.” He reassured, and maybe it was true for him, but Esther had a different past than him, and a different reason that brought her to the same room as him.

He wanted revenge, and he was determined to get it. Esther was after something else entirely, and therein lied the issue. Would she be able to fight the titans? She hadn’t even seen one before, how could she know? She was isolated and clueless, and hearing stories from the victims of their assault didn’t put her mind at ease. 

“Spoken like a suicidal maniac.” A voice intercepted, belonging to a boy named Jean. She remembered him from the first day as the one who received a headbutt from the instructor. His goal was to join the Military Police, and he tried his best to impress his superiors, always chasing praises and high grades. 

That night, Esther realised that it’d be best to stay away from him after his comment fuelled an argument between him and Eren, and with both of them having their hotheaded minds set on their goals and beliefs, they didn’t know when to stop. 

“Go and live your life within the walls like a coward for all I care!” Eren spat, the fury in his eyes throwing daggers at him. 

“I will, while you’re out there in some titan’s belly like a midnight snack!” Jean glared back, and Esther blinked, eyes on her meal. She pinched the bridge of her nose as a headache made itself home inside of her skull, pushing against the borders. 

“Excuse me.” She murmured, standing up to leave in haste to be outside, to breathe in fresh air that would dissipate the mist in her head. She could still hear the ongoing argument rising from the walls of the mess hall, and Mikasa and Armin were the only ones who acknowledged her retreat.

On her third week, they started training for the three-dimensional manoeuvre gear. They learned the basics of operating it before putting their knowledge to practice, and Esther received praises for never making a single mistake when maintaining her assigned gear.

She was first to finish her rounds, checking everything was in working order, and she waited for others while longingly running her fingers along the metal surface. She greeted it like an old friend, like someone she missed in the long years they spent apart.

She disliked how a piece of metal could make her emotional, but she understood.

Days of childhood flashed before her eyes, and her fingers stopped their movements. The dream of flying with the ODM gear once had been her lifeline, one thing she looked forward to learning so she could escape. So she could be free, go wherever she wanted to go. Nothing or no one would be able to catch her. But if only it was that simple.

Fourth week came with the news of the first training session with the manoeuvre gear on, and Esther found herself before the forest that’d been unused until then, ready to wrap up her first month in the Cadet Corps. 

Four weeks passed in the blink of an eye, each day leaving her body more exhausted and brain full of knowledge of titans from their morning lectures.

She remembered the strain of her wide eyes as she stared at her lecturer as he talked about the reason why humans were targeted by them, and her clueless mind prior to joining the Cadet Corps had a spine chilling awakening.

Titans mercilessly ate people, brutally and inhumanly. The things that came out of the lecturer’s mouth took the stories she’d heard before one step further and turned them into reality. Her reality now. The price she had to pay to find her life source again. The lecturer said they had no real motivation like hunger to eat people, other than being fuelled by the need to destroy. She had the audacity to find it bitterly funny, thinking how similar it sounded to life itself.

Then, Esther looked at Eren, who sat at the front desk; eager to learn. The dread in his eyes matched hers. His eyes were neither blue or grey, she realised that under the knowledge of the tragic turn their lives were about to take in three years. He had beautiful teal coloured irises, and they were glazed over as his mind soared into a memory that set his face into raw determination. An expression that could overthrow his fear.

Esther didn’t know what she’d do if she couldn’t find what she was looking for in the Scouting Legion, and her fright doubled in amount unlike Eren.

She wore a white bandana around her neck the first time she put on the three-dimensional manoeuvre gear. It invited the heat of the sun, but the familiar warmth it radiated was worth it. The full-body belt surrounded her body, tight in all the right places and not as uncomfortable as the first time she put it on for practice. 

Practicing with them was easy when stationary posts with wires attached held her up. Everyone was able to do it at first or second try, except for Eren who had to overcome a display of failures that he addressed as embarrassing. It was eventually revealed that he wasn’t the one at fault but his belt, and even then, he managed to maintain an impressive balance. 

Operating one, on the other hand, was a different story.

The sheath with gas canisters laid on a wooden desk before her, waiting to be put on. The manoeuvre gear was right next to it. She took in a deep breath, one that filled her chest to the brim. Her classmates were already working on putting theirs on properly, as instructed. 

Esther, on the other hand, thought about how long she had waited for this moment, and how different she imagined it. The sky above and the trees before her were not present in her initial dreams, and there was nothing but rotten buildings and minerals over her head that she believed to be stars. She imagined she’d feel happy, eager to please the people she wished to make proud. But the reality was cruel, and she had to experience another first alone. The people around her weren’t her friends, and Instructor Shadis wasn’t someone she was eager to make proud. She doubted he cared much about pride anyway.

She figured it was how things were meant to be for her a long time ago, when she was forced to reside in her lonesome, and she made peace with it. Reluctantly.

“What are you looking at, cadet?” The instructor appeared at her assigned desk, his shadow dropping over her. “The gear is not going to put itself on. Get going!” 

And Esther did just that. Being shown how to put it on once was enough for her to memorise every single step, and she adorned herself with the gear under Shadis’ inspecting eyes without a single fault. Besides, she had the advantage of seeing it being worn for years now. She had a hidden edge over her classmates. 

His hum was thoughtful, stare careful, as Esther grabbed the operating devices tightly. They weren’t attached to any blades yet, and the canisters were heavy on her hips. The belt made her feel the weight tug equally on every single muscle, disturbing it and preventing it from taking a toll on her back. 

So this is how it feels like, she thought, looking at the trees with a newly found eagerness. She could only imagine what flying would be like. She could only dream what it would’ve felt like years ago when… when. 

When everyone was geared up and ready to take off, Shadis took his place at the front and faced his students. 

“I will now call you forth in groups, step forward when you hear your name. This is an evaluation of your base skills, there will be no grading. There will be obstacles involved, and the time limit is ten minutes. The goal is to get as many eliminations as you can and show efficiency in using your three-dimensional manoeuvre gear.” He announced, and grabbed a clipboard and read out the first group of five that would go in first. 

Esther waited patiently, and Esther waited eagerly for her turn. She hadn't even started yet and her hands were already sweating around the operating devices. She tapped her foot and drummed her fingers without paying any mind to it.

It took excruciatingly long as the first groups disappeared behind the trees, only a glimpse of their movements catching her eyes as they did their best not to stumble and get tangled up with their wires. First attempts seemed to lack great success, and Shadis didn’t look too pleased even though the cadets were inexperienced. A nervous drop gathered on Esther’s temple.

“Next!” He shouted, causing her shoulders to tense as they always did anytime he opened his mouth. “Armin Arlert, Jean Kirstein, Annie Leonhart, Esther, Sasha Braus. Take your places.”

Esther was on the move the moment she heard her name. They lined up in perfect order right in front of the tall trees, the entrance of the small forest calling her eagerly fidgeting body in. The names forming the group were one of the most random ones she heard, but she held back from making any unnecessary remarks. 

Armin was a nervous mess beside her, and she had half a mind to send him a worried glance. He’d always been kind to her during their short stay at the bootcamp, and she genuinely felt the need to reassure him. The situation didn’t allow anything more than a glance, unfortunately. 

Jean was determined and ready on her right. She wasn’t fond of him yet, not quite, not since his dispute with Eren. She had difficulty figuring him out, as he was hot-tempered and never kept his opinion to himself, but she couldn’t bring herself to think of him as a bad person either. So she stayed away, and she tried to stay out of his radar, but he still made his opinion of her known a few nights ago, not shying away from calling her an idiot for wanting to throw her life away to join the Scouts, especially when she had a privileged one in Ehrmich. 

Eren’s fist making contact with the tabletop came to her rescue, and he gave Jean a piece of his mind, saying it was nothing but cowardice to want to live inside the walls for the rest of one’s life, to spend it as a freeloader while soldiers gave their lives outside of the walls, to pretend to be cattle when they could fight for their freedom. His words were always powerful, and the fact that he had a strong belief in the statements he uttered made his intentions even more admirable, and Esther wasn’t surprised when she started wondering about the outside world for a few moments before going to sleep, the drawing resting on her chest where her heart lied.

She was expectant of the headache that would follow when Jean opened his mouth to argue back. Esther left the mess hall before their argument had a chance to grow, not even attempting to defend herself. She had nothing to say, she already knew her aim was idiotic before she even enlisted. But being an idiot didn’t take away the value she put on her need to be with her family at last. It couldn’t. Nothing got to be more important than that, and she’d gladly throw her life away and let arrogant boys call her names if it meant seeing them one more time.

“Grab your blades!” Shadis instructed, and they simultaneously attached their devices to the blades sheathed at their hips.

Armin fiddled with his a few seconds longer, earning an impatient cough from the instructor. Esther weighed the long blades in her hands, slightly raising and waving them around to get used to the feeling. The instructor didn’t repeat the goal of the group. Eliminate as many as you can and display good use of the three-dimensional manoeuvre gear, Esther reminded herself.

He opened his mouth to give them the go, before Esther relaxed her fingers and turned both of the blades upside down. The sharper edges faced her knuckles, her ring and pinky fingers resting on the triggers. Shadis’ pause was noticed by everyone as he stared at her, inspecting her grip. If a comment or a question climbed up all the way to the tip of his tongue, he decided not to utter it.

“You have ten minutes. Go!” He gave the order, and the group sent their iron wires flying. 

Esther pulled the trigger, watched the tip of the wire attach itself to a nearby tree trunk, and felt the pull on every inch of the body belt before her feet were cut off from the ground. She felt the strain on her back, her spine bending and her head being thrown back as the wind sent her dark braids flying into the air. Her heart leapt, her stomach making it painfully obvious that she was hanging in the air. She was flying. She was finally flying, all by herself.

Trees passed by in a blur as the gas pressure gave her the speed she needed, and clouds watched intently over her head. She spent a few clumsy seconds adjusting to flying, slowing down as she changed trunks where she anchored her wires, and immediately speeding up again. An uncontrollable smile was on her lips as her body got hauled away. Her teeth were showing, and she must’ve looked like a lunatic as a giggle left her lips. She felt something wet slide from the corner of her eye as the air resisted against her, creating a force of air that caressed every inch of her skin, making her crave for more. The happy tear disappeared into thin air, lost in the wave she left behind. Leaning her head back, she let her body relax completely as if she’d been doing this for years.

She looked up at the endless sky and watched the green leaves whizz past. It was freeing, it was better than anything she’d ever done in her life, giving more pleasure than catching the sight of the perfect mix of colours during sunset, it was surreal. Magical. It felt like a dream, strange but simply beautiful, one that she never wanted to wake up from. One that would make her attempt to go back to sleep just for a glimpse of it once more. She was flying. The useless, weak and fragile body of hers was experiencing what it was like to be where the morning birds talked to each other, at last. She was higher than them, higher than anything. She could touch the clouds if she pushed herself up a little, she just knew it. 

Suddenly an object that didn’t belong in the forest entered her view, a wooden dummy being raised unexpectedly right before her flying figure, full speed.

“Esther, watch out!” She heard Armin’s warning somewhere from behind, and her fingers immediately fiddled with the triggers.

She gave herself a burst of gas, breaking her forward pace and making a quick turn to the right. She attached her wires to a nearby tree and successfully avoided the dummy a second before she collided with it. The embarrassing thought made her heart race, and flush appeared below her freckles. 

Jean emerged from above as she hung from the tree trunk, gathering herself. He gave the cushion a deep cut, a cry leaving his lips and the tips of his blades snapping from the unnecessary force he used. He paused on a branch and looked back at his work, a proud smirk tugging at his lips before a glare quickly took over his features.

“Pay attention next time, will you? We just started and you’re already slacking.” He complained before setting off for another target, already in full control of his gear.

Esther frowned after him, a frustrated sigh leaving her lips. She wasn’t slacking, she just wanted to live in the moment and breathe everything in for a short moment. That was all.

Armin stopped on a branch above her, looking down with his wide blue eyes. He was already breathless.

“Are you okay? That was close.” He voiced his concern, which managed to ease her discouragement a little bit. 

“Yes, sorry, I’ll be more careful.” Her promise earned her a smile, and Armin said it was alright, that he personally wouldn’t even be able to avoid it like she did. Esther somehow believed him, but refrained from voicing it.

Sasha called them into action from a distance. She moved like a natural between the trees, like her instincts showed her the way through the forest. Esther envied it, and saw in person what it must’ve been like to grow up in nature, being a part of the life that grew anew with each rising sun. It was a scene like no other, like she was dancing in mid air with the long branches leading her like a good partner.

Annie was nowhere to be found, and the only trace of her presence was defeated dummies they found scattered around the forest. 

They set off after different targets, the attempt to one up each other instead of working as a group discreetly took over as they grasped the ropes of manoeuvre control. Esther found it difficult to anchor herself to a different surface after cutting the cushions, and calculated movement turned out to be her first weakness. 

After her first two clumsy cuts, she decided that having two reverse blades were making it difficult to perform effectively, as she had to use a blunt edge on one of them. She turned one forward, tried using a single reverse grip which made it even more challenging to cut the cushions as her grip forced her into a spin she had difficulty performing. She found herself abandoning her initial goal to show good use of the manoeuvre gear and instinctively focused on her blades instead. Her lack of experience was against her throughout the exercise and she had to remind herself that that was what it was, an exercise.

She stopped on a branch and retracted her wires. She turned all the blades on her left sheath upside down. That way she would be able to use both of her blades in reverse, and when her fisted knuckles faced each other just before she went for a cut, the sharp edges of the blades would face in the same direction and give the napes a deeper cut. 

Everyone else in her group was doing the complete opposite. For the past couple of weeks, they were instructed to hold and swing both of their blades forward, she knew that. She listened intently. But applying that would make it an even harder challenge for her, and she knew that as well. Putting herself in a position she wasn’t used to would strain her arms, her shoulders up to her neck, and keeping her arms straight would hurt her joints. Reverse cuts, however, were better suited for slashes and fitting for their job as their goal was to cut, not to stab. It would prevent her from clumsily making her blades clash against each other as well.

Esther looked down at her blades, inspecting the new stance of her left one. She felt glad, and hopeful, after eventually finding a method she was comfortable with, but it frustrated her to a degree to have figured it out in the last two minutes. 

She sighed at her own incompetence. She had to be successful, no matter the circumstances. She had to become the best soldier she could be, and the fact that this was only her first time flying and eliminating dummies was an irrelevant point. She needed to be strong. There wasn’t a particular explanation to it, it was just how it was supposed to be. She couldn’t kill the titans if she wasn’t capable, and she’d be nothing if she wasn’t strong. 

“Idling again?” Jean noticed her, and didn’t neglect commenting on her lack of current action. “How do you suppose you’ll kill the titans when you can’t even handle the fake ones?” 

His mockery put an offended frown on her face, and she wanted to talk back so desperately. She wanted to spit whatever came to her mind and wipe the arrogant smirk off of his face, she wanted to shout promises of how she was going to be successful, but Shadis’ warning tone caused the alarm bells to go off at every corner of her mind.

“One and a half minutes left!” He yelled from on top of a branch that surveyed the whole area from a high ground, and Esther was off again in a second.

She left Jean behind and desperately looked for the rest of the dummies. She kept in mind that she needed to display excellent performance while flying. 

Her next cut was easier, the nape of the dummy was at the same height as her route, and she went in without cutting her speed. Her grip was strong, and changing the direction of one column of her blades helped immensely to cut deeper into the cushion. The resistance was tolerable, and she believed she’d get used to the pull that it gave her biceps and shoulder blades soon enough.

When Shadis called them out, his notes and first analysis in his hand to be announced the next day, she had five eliminations in total. She was proud, and she was glad the flush on her face from exhaustion camouflaged the newcomer when the instructor announced it with a not bad for a titan bait. 

Armin had one, and the knowledge was heavy on his slouched shoulders. Sasha had five, Jean six and Annie eight.

Esther was quick to congratulate her bunk mate, and Annie was equally quick to dismiss it with a half-hearted thank you before she left. She wasn’t talkative, she wasn’t eager to engage in any kind of conversation, but it was far from being hurtful or irritating. Esther welcomed it with open arms.

The shape of Annie’s eyes was round, but she always had her eyelids lowered in a disinterested expression, like a shield preventing others from approaching her, and Esther welcomed that as well. It ignited a familiar sight, reminding her of a face that always stayed in her mind’s eye. Maybe that was why she kept attempting to start a conversation with her only to receive the bare minimum effort in return. The reason behind it didn’t matter, really.

As Annie walked away, Esther noticed Jean and Sasha following the blonde’s steps, exhausted breaths leaving their chests. 

“Well done Sasha, you too Jean.” She said as they walked past, the leftover adrenaline presumably giving her a boost of confidence. 

She didn’t mind congratulating Sasha at all, but holding up a white flag before Jean’s frowning face was not something she initially thought of doing. It slipped so easily from her loose tongue before she could catch it.

“Thank you, Esther! I’m really happy about my first results! You did great as well, I think we make a powerful team.” Sasha paused, giving her a genuinely wide smile.

It must’ve been contagious, because Esther felt a tug at her own lips.

“Oh, thank y-“

“Yes, you weren’t bad. For someone who aimlessly flew around during the first half.” Jean interrupted, making the first sight of a smile disappear from her face. 

Esther shut her lips, and gulped down every offense that wished to fall from her mouth. Her hands around the grappling guns tightened, and she almost pulled the trigger that would’ve sent her wires flying towards him. For a split second she thought maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. She thought maybe he didn’t deserve her white flag at all.

“She was trying to figure out the best way to hold her blades, Jean.” Armin approached them, his hair wet at the ends with sweat, sticking to his neck. “You all did great. I should practice more to be like you guys.” 

“It’s only the first exercise, though. It’s just to record our starting level. Don’t be hard on yourself.” Sasha reassured, her enthusiasm almost making Armin believe her words. 

Esther hated that on top of Annie, Sasha also reminded her of a face she had trouble forgetting about. Not like she wanted to erase her very own memories, but the sight played with her mind, the artificial resemblance only deepening her wound. She was making things up. She was searching for something that wasn’t there wherever she looked, and it was inevitable that she’d start creating links of unrelated similarities to soak up at least a little bit of familiarity.

“You’re right. I don’t want to be discouraged, it’s too early.” Armin gave her a grateful smile, but his shoulders were still slouched and even though it could be because of his tiredness, Esther still believed he needed a little more lifting up.

“I saw you flying, Armin. You didn’t get many eliminations but you were good with your manoeuvre gear.” She jumped in, her voice less confident after Jean’s remark.

Armin’s blue eyes turning to her made her tense shoulders relax, and witnessing his growing smile made her happy in return.

“Thank you, Esther. I’ll practice to further improve on that.” 

As the four of them stood in a circle, having a quiet exchange about each other’s performances, a tall figure approached them and his shadow fell over their conversation like dark clouds getting ready for unexpected rain.

Esther looked up, and locked eyes with Instructor Shadis, who stared down at her with his signature frown.

“Go back to the storage room and remove your gears.” He ordered, and her classmates obeyed immediately after a sharp salute.

Esther, on the other hand, had difficulty moving. She had an unfortunate feeling that Shadis wanted to talk to her, and his unwavering gaze rendered her nervous.

Her fingers unintentionally twitched on the devices, and she fully turned around to face him properly.

“Cadet Esther.” He intertwined his hands behind him, formal and stiff. “Where did you learn to hold your blades like that? They’re not designed for a reverse grip.”

Esther froze, and stared into nothing for a short moment. An answer came alive in front of her eyes in the shape of a memory, and even blinking repeatedly wouldn’t send it away. 

Now what was she supposed to say to that? Answer truthfully? She preferred not to, because it would lead to him asking more questions and she had no idea how she could explain a single thing without somehow lending herself behind bars.

It should’ve been easy, but her tongue was tied and the knot in her throat prevented the truth from coming out.

“It came naturally.” She answered instead, and she knew it wasn’t strong enough of an argument to convince Shadis, but it was all she had. 

“Came naturally.” He mused, almost talking to himself, and Esther gave a quick nod which she thought to be believable. 

“Go and drop your gear. Dismissed.” He closed the topic and turned away, much to Esther’s relief.

“Yessir!” She saluted him and hurried towards the storage building, the almost empty canisters and remaining blades clinking at her hips. The sounds matched well with the past Shadis’ question awakened, and Esther had to rub her eyes to get some kind of relief from their sudden attack. 

༻✿༺

Shadis’ notes about her were revealed to her knowledge as expected. You used too much gas. Wasted so much time. Drawing away after cutting the nape is clumsy, lack of accuracy when firing the grapnels in combat. An unusual blade grip, but cuts are impressive for a first try. Quick turns when not engaged in combat show sufficient agility and concentration. Lack of teamwork. Overall, you have a lot to improve.

And Esther practiced, practiced and practiced. The motivation to improve mixed well with her newfound love for flying with her manoeuvre gear equipped, and whenever she had free time she could be found in the forest, gliding gracefully in the air.  

Sasha stopped by quite a few times, her spare time was spent eating an apple under the trees taller than life itself, and Esther ended up sitting beside her when pants leaving her mouth suppressed her adrenaline and eagerness.

Sasha was reluctant at first to offer her a piece of her apple, and Esther soon learned to give her own leftovers to Sasha instead of throwing them away after meals. Sasha appreciated her generosity each time Esther’s tray appeared in her view like a gift sent from above. 

The next few weeks passed quicker than the blink of an eye, the time between sunrise and sunset was faster than Esther anticipated. Bruises were formed on her body from combat training and from adjusting to the ODM gear. The skin beneath the placement of her belts and harnesses were more sensitive than other areas, and her aching muscles slowly learned to live with the fast paced training. 

Her continuous practices made her figure out a solution for her problems, one by one. Such as slowing down before cutting the cushions to control her speed and movements better as well as to save her blades from a forceful impact, pausing on the dummies before retreating instead of acting without thinking, refraining from accelerating and decelerating too rapidly, breaking speed with bent knees and an occasional roll when landing, picking anchor targets that are not too far away for better accuracy, and many more. 

She was learning each day, and she was improving no matter how tiring and painful it was. Every single day reminded her she was actually training to kill the titans, monsters ten times bigger than her, out for blood for no known reason. And so she wondered, because asking numerous questions and not getting any answers were her specialty.

She wondered what they actually looked like, she wondered why they ate people, why they were so big, why they couldn’t communicate, why they looked like male humans, what were they really thinking? For obvious reasons, her questions were left unanswered and her curiosity growing hungry each day.

So when she had maintenance duty with Eren, she naturally had to take advantage of the opportunity.

“What do they look like?” She asked, checking Reiner’s gear control as complete on her clipboard list.

Eren raised his head a second too late, and searched her face for some clarity. 

“Who?” He squinted an eye in confusion.

“The titans. I know the lecturer already told us, but you saw them. What do they really look like?” She put the equipment away on the wide shelves.

Jean’s were next, and she doubted his gear needed any check as he always kept it spotless. But as the job called for a safety control, she was obligated to check if everything was in working order. 

Eren stayed silent at first, his head was bowed and his focus was on the gear waiting before him. His pen stayed motionless between his fingers, and Esther wondered if she shouldn’t have brought up the subject at all. Guilt clawed at her heart and she quickly opened her mouth to apologise, because he must’ve seen people get eaten. Titans were a big empty gap in her mind, but for him they were nothing but a big traumatic scalpel shaping his memories and nightmares.

“Horrifying.” He answered before she could express any regrets. He answered, despite his attempt to convince her that titans weren’t that tough weeks ago.

“But the lecturer said they looked like male humans.” Esther murmured, afraid of saying something wrong to push a button that would trigger his nerves. Jean was always quick to anger him, and she’d hate to be on the other side of his fury. 

“They don’t exactly look like us humans. But they’re horrifying because of what they’re capable of, and you don’t realise that until they’re right in front of you.” His voice came out calm, and his posture wasn’t rigid at all. He didn’t sound angry either, but the inner parts of his eyebrows were curved and the marks of sadness carried regret within them. 

Esther knew she shouldn’t have brought it up, she was sure of it, because not only had she upset him, but she also decided that it wasn’t a worthy look on his generally determined face. It was uncomfortable to witness the despair because she understood that determination was the byproduct of it. She understood, because they were the same in that regard. 

“But we can defeat them, can’t we? With our blades and our training. Besides, titans don’t get trained, so they can’t expect our attacks.” Or can they? Esther was unsure of that too, but she decided her priority was wiping the unwanted emotion from Eren’s face rather than asking more questions to push him further down the hole.

She was successful. He looked back at her, his eyes shining with conviction like he believed her words that she just muttered without fully grasping the concept of fighting them herself.

“That’s right. What makes them terrifying is our helplessness. As long as we fight back, we can defeat them.” He said with a determined nod, an eager smile making an appearance. The frown on his face was purposeful as always, and somehow Esther liked him better when he was fuelled by his ambition rather than pushed around by the hostile hands of dejection. 

Esther tapped her fingers on Jean’s gear, a pleased smile on her face from fixing her mistake.

She did remember though, the lost look behind his eyes when he was asked about the titans. The moment of remembrance, and the expression of helplessness before it was taken over by sheer resolution.

She wondered again, her gaze staring at her own blurry reflection on the metal of the gear. She wondered about the things he’d lost, people he missed. She wondered if he had a family, a home he yearned to get back to in Shiganshina. She wondered for a while; during trainings when he showed high concentration and aggression to get eliminations, during meals when he stared into nothing with his head resting on his palm, during lectures as he listened with utmost attention whenever titans were mentioned, and every moment he was in her vicinity. 

She never asked, though. She was afraid to, because she simply didn’t like it when he was sad, and asking wouldn’t earn her a smile. So she silently wondered, and Eren was the one who eventually responded to her thoughts as if he could read them running in circles around her head. 

It was a night full of stars and a full moon, her favourite. She was naturally outside, taking advantage of her freedom to stargaze before curfew. There were benches, few in number, placed not too far from the barracks. They faced the large field of nothingness that they used for combat training. She wasn’t too fond of the class, as they had to work in pairs and she had difficulty approaching her peers. 

Sasha always worked with Connie, and asking Jean was out of the question. Even though she’d like to land a punch in his face and put the blame on the excuse of training, there was an equal chance of receiving an embarrassing hit from him and the idea itself made her frown in displeasure. Besides, he had Marco to work with.

Eren liked learning from Reiner and helping Armin out. Thomas and Mina were inseparable in training like Samuel and Daz. Taking Christa away from Ymir would be a suicide attempt, and everyone else had their own preferences.

She gathered her courage to ask Mikasa once or twice, and was relieved to receive a positive response. But finding herself laying on the ground each time she tried to land a blow on her was frustrating.

Esther made their second pairing their last, and she didn’t care that she could learn a thing or two from Mikasa. Her pride didn’t allow it, or what was left of it after Mikasa actually apologised for being victorious. 

Annie liked making herself look like she was busy when in reality she was doing her best to avoid fighting. Esther asked her, even though she knew she was going to get rejected. It was a pull she didn’t attempt to question, and she expected Annie to give her a simple glance before walking away without a satisfactory answer. 

The blonde did give her a glance, but it was a thoughtful one rather than utmost boredom. Esther was genuinely surprised when her nostrils flared with a sigh of resignation, and she accepted her offer to pair up. Just like that, out of the blue. 

They picked themselves an opening to move around freely, and Annie watched her get into position before even attempting to raise a finger. It was an awkward moment of silence, because Esther was waiting for her to do the same. 

“Are you not going to attack?” Annie asked, her fingers twitching as she waited for a surprise advancement. 

Esther raised her arms, her bent elbows aligned her fists with her heart as she switched to a defensive position. The distance between her feet rendered her body capable of performing quick evades. 

“No,” She answered, causing an unidentifiable change on Annie’s face. “You attack.” 

Annie didn’t protest, she attacked as she was told, and she attacked fast. She didn’t have too much difficulty breaking Esther’s defence and trapping her arm behind her back, which caused Esther’s eyes to widen in surprise and discomfort.

Annie wasn’t much different than Mikasa in combat, but one thing that set them apart was that Annie didn’t apologise to her, nor did she ask if she was alright.

She didn’t look too worried when Esther swung a punch at her, aiming for her eyes, and she dodged it expertly. 

“How can you move like that?” Esther asked as she sat on the ground after what felt like the hundredth attempt, her chest heaving with quick breaths.

Her palms laid open on the earth, grains of sediment digging into her skin. Annie looked down at her with a hand on her hip, her breaths slower than Esther’s.

“I don’t act like I’m in a street fight.” Annie answered simply, and it would’ve sounded like an insult or an attempt to degrade one’s skills, but none of those were evoked in Esther.

Her breaths came to a halt instead, and she looked up to see her bunkmate examining her carefully. 

“Everyone acts like they are in a street fight.” Esther dodged the comment, and it was unnecessary because why would she try to push the attention away from herself? 

Annie shrugged, not impressed by her reply.

“How can they, when they don’t know how to fight in the first place?” And the difference was there, a thin line between ignorance and a difference in style.

But Annie wasn’t asking any questions, and Annie wasn’t invasive in any way. She pointed out something that came to her attention in the span of a few minutes, and then she held out a hand for Esther to grab. An offering of help, when she had the upper hand to rain down questions on her. 

Esther grabbed it, a hesitant look on her face at first, and the soil got trapped in between their palms as Annie pulled her to her feet. 

Esther remembered as she sat on the bench by herself, how Annie told her to raise her arm’s higher if she wanted to properly defend herself, how she gave her a tip when she didn’t have the need to. 

“Your face is all out in the open for me to swing at.” She’d said, blowing her bangs away.

The wind was slightly harsher than it was a month ago. The cardigan she wore was knitted by Elsa, who settled with providing her clothes when she realised she couldn’t fill the gap that her previous family left in their wake in any other way. Clothes were nice, Esther was fine with garments that were made specifically for her measurements, and the care behind them was warming in a chilly weather like this. 

Chatters of cadets rose behind her as the barrack rooms got filled for the night. Esther wondered what Elsa was doing at the moment as the stars blinked at her. She was probably walking home from work, her tailor shop around the corner closed for the day. Maybe Emmanuel was at home too, maybe they’d eat the leftovers from yesterday. Maybe they’d wonder what Esther was doing. Maybe they’d wonder if she was ever coming back. Maybe they’d be curious if she found what she was looking for. 

Esther pondered over the unlikely scenarios, as she usually did, when a voice interrupted her silent thoughts.

“Hey.” Eren appeared beside her, his unexpected arrival reminding her of their first conversation a couple months ago. It seemed like only yesterday.

“Hi.” Esther replied the same way she did back then, and Eren taking it as an invitation to sit beside her was familiar. He was wearing a dark blue shrug, his hair leaning messily in all directions from the wind. 

She suppressed her smile at his lack of awareness of the state on his head, and averted her eyes to look back up at the sky. A roof would’ve been preferable, isolated and closer to the stars, but a bench had to do. Eren joining her wasn’t something she could complain about either. 

He didn’t say much, he just sat there and looked at the ground. It was strange in her eyes, because how could the gravel beneath their feet be more interesting than the ones above their heads? Then again, he wasn’t the one who longed to catch a glimpse of them his whole life. He fought for other things, dreamt of achieving goals bigger than her own. 

“Do you have a family?” Eren asked after minutes of calming silence. Esther wondered where that question came from, but she’d been asking herself the same thing about him all this time, and she had no right to ask for the intention behind it.

“Yes.” She answered, not bothering to deny it. 

She faced the question before, and she thought of different answers to give, but nothing beat the truth. She was over trying to erase what she’d been through with that said family by her side, and she refused to pretend like it was all for nothing. Like it meant nothing. Time could pass all it wanted, and the sun could rise and die a thousand times, but she would never forget. 

“Are they waiting for you back in Ehrmich?” He asked then, his questions sounded curious and thoughtful at the same time, like he was searching for a missing puzzle piece. 

“No,” Esther replied, wishing her answer could be different. “They’re away.”

“Did they travel to a different district?”

“It’s a bit more complicated than that.” She bit her lip, a hesitant look on her face as her gaze wavered, slipping from the sky towards the horizon. His questions managed to put a weight on her mind, and she supposed he was taking revenge for the other day when she made him feel the same way.

But he must’ve understood that she didn’t want to talk about her family in detail, and he fortunately didn’t ask for more. Maybe he had his own theories, his own ideas about the meaning behind her words, but he refrained from voicing them too.

“I guessed that much. You never mentioned your last name.” Was all he had left to say, and even then Esther’s search for an answer to give turned to be fruitless. 

“What about you? Do you have a family?” She asked instead in return, and she somehow knew the answer wasn’t going to be anything pleasant.

“I did, before Maria fell. Not anymore,” He kicked the gravel with the nose of his shoes. “My mother was crushed under a rubble. A titan was heading towards us. I wasn’t strong enough to save her.” 

His little explanation carried so much weight with it, but his shoulders didn’t yield to it. The stars were so beautiful that night, they couldn’t believe that Eren’s story captivated her attention more, pulling the focus of her gaze away from them. The moon shone light on her still figure, eyes not blinking and words echoing in her mind. Eren cried. Mikasa looked so helpless. Eren’s eyes bore no emotion as he stared at his feet, but he must’ve been remembering. He must be thinking of that exact moment that eventually brought him here. The ground trembled with each step the titan took. Terrifying, and heart stopping. Esther wondered why she was remembering it now, having the constellations as her witness in that otherworldly moment. The injured woman was picked from the rubble like a delicate flower that found life through dead stones. She was crushed between the teeth of the reaper, gone from this world in a split second. Blood splattered around like rose petals, and Eren was so silent. A scream echoed in her head, ringing in her ears, but he didn’t say a word.

“Eren.” Esther’s voice came out as a breathless sigh, the sounds of their peers in the barracks suddenly coming back in full force. Why did her eyes feel dry? Her mind exhausted? Why did blinking hurt?

Eren looked up, his eyes tired from feeling the same anguish as they met hers.

“Please don’t think about that moment.” She found herself pleading, and the reason was somehow lost to her. Oh, how soft her bed must be in the warm dormitory. She was so tired she could fall asleep without it right then and there. 

“I wish I could stop. But I don’t mind anymore. It’s good that I can still relive every second of it, that I remember what I’m fighting for.” Eren looked away once more. His voice was low, calm and relaxing. 

Esther pulled her legs towards her chest, wrapping her arms around them and resting the side of her head against her bent knees, facing Eren. The little comfort it gave had to do for the time being.

“Your father, is he alive?” She asked, half lidded eyes on his profile. The stars outlined his features, his eyelashes dropping shadows on his cheekbones. 

“I don’t know. He left for Wall Rose that day, and I- I don’t know where he is.” His answer was vague, and worry was evident in his frown. 

She wondered why he was telling her about his past, about his family. She wasn’t sure why he trusted her with it when they’d shared so little time together. She wondered why she wanted to learn even more. 

“Mikasa and Armin are all I have left. We’ve been looking after each other since then. Even before then, I guess, but it was different. We never had to deal with the titans, you know?” He added.

Esther blinked, trying to get rid of the blur in her vision, the product of exhaustion. Eren looked up then, and stared at the sky as a deep breath made its way into his chest. Wind pushed his hair back, and he almost closed his eyes at the sensation. 

“Why are you telling me these?” She asked, genuinely curious about his reasoning. She was glad that he trusted her enough to share a part of his past with her, but why? Was she really deserving of carrying his memories? 

“I don’t know. I felt like it was something I needed to do.” 

“I see,” Esther’s voice was no louder than a whisper. A weak sigh left her lips, and she raised her head only to rest her chin on her knees, staring at the dark horizon. “Thank you for sharing. I’m afraid I don’t feel like telling you about my past yet, I hope you don’t mind.” 

“I don’t.” Eren murmured, not sparing too long to think about it. 

His eyes seemed to lock on a spot without actually seeing, and Esther wasn’t any different. Dead was their expressions, but their minds were alive with activity, respective memories passing back and forth before their eyes in the dead of night. At least it felt dead to them, and the chattering behind them seemed to hit an invisible brick wall, only some of it managing to break through.

“I’m sorry you went through that.” Esther continued.

“Me too.” Eren replied, closing his eyes for a short moment. His frown was concerning, Esther could feel and see its existence from the corner of her eye. It made her think that he was in pain, but not a physical one. What he had couldn’t be cured, sadly. So, naturally, Esther had to do something to make it go away for the time being.

“Eren, do you think the moon ever gets lonely? There are a million stars but only one moon." The words felt so familiar as they fell from her lips, leaving a bitter taste on her tongue. If she closed her eyes, she could still imagine high walls of earth around her with the petrichor rising from the drying grass above her. She could feel herself barely existing beneath the ground, watching the ceiling of her grave. 

Eren’s frown deepened instead of disappearing, he looked at her first, and then at the moon. Esther glanced at him, witnessing the reflection of the moon’s glow in his eyes. How bright they were, wide with life even when his furrowed eyebrows were fighting against them.

“Why would it get lonely? There are millions of stars, you said it yourself.” He answered and looked back at her, almost as if he was expecting an explanation for asking such an irrelevant question. 

Esther simply hummed in return. It made sense, and it made her feel less sad for the one brightening up the night sky.

“What about the sun? It doesn't have any stars around.” She asked next, the rest of the questions were obligatory. She had someone answering them, so she had to keep asking.

Eren took a moment to think. They watched the open ceiling in silence, the dialogues between crickets hiding around accompanied them. Lights were slowly disappearing at the barracks, their time slowly coming to an end. 

“Maybe it does. Maybe it’s just so bright that we can’t see it.”

“But if that was true, we couldn’t see the clouds either. They’re there both during night and daytime, and they don’t even shine like stars.” Esther argued, pointing at the very few and thin clouds lurking in the sky. 

“Right. Maybe the sun is lonely, then.” Eren shrugged, and Esther liked that answer less than his previous one. How could the sun be lonely? It was so bright, so big, it brightened up each day and flowers found life with it. How could something as giving as the sun be lonely?

Esther contemplated. Maybe since it was too bright, the others couldn’t get close to it. Maybe it was the price of giving and not taking anything in return. 

"Do you know why the sky is black at night but blue during the day? Is it so we can see the stars?" Esther kept asking, a missing light returning to her sleepy eyes each time she received an answer, which fuelled her next question.

“Because the sun isn’t there to light up the sky.” He answered, and Esther stilled for a silent moment. Her eyelids were lifted, and sleep seemed to leave her alone for the time being. 

She really was back six feet under, laying on the cold hard ground as tears made a path from the corners of her eyes to her temples, dampening her hair. She could almost feel the harsh pebbles pressing into her back.

A new question popped into her mind, one that she didn’t think to ask before.

“Where does the sun go? Where is it now?” 

“It’s underground, probably resting.” 

“Underground?” Esther lifted her head, looking at Eren with a questioning tilt to it. The look he gave her from the corner of his eye seemed confident, like he knew what he was talking about. He didn’t.

“Yes. It goes down at night, so that’s where it must be right now.” 

It was a strange answer. Esther wanted to believe it, but sadly she knew what he said couldn’t be true. She wasn’t blessed with ignorance in that regard.

“It’s not.” She looked down, scarce threads of grass being forced to bend in all directions by the wind. The sun wasn’t underground. The sun didn’t even know of its existence, and even if it did, it would probably never think of going somewhere as unworthy as below earth to sleep for the night. 

“Then where is it?” Eren asked, somehow on board with her inquiries that didn’t quite have the right timing.

“I don’t know, but not underground,” A sound of an owl was heard throughout the silence, and Esther remembered the list she was going through. “And what happens when a bird falls? Do you know?”

“I’ve never seen a bird fall. They have wings.”

“And we have legs, but we still fall down.” She countered, and Eren sent her an amused look.

“Because we trip on things. Birds can’t trip on anything in the air.” 

Esther tried to come up with an example that could cause birds to trip over, but she came up empty. She didn’t know much about the obstacles of the sky, she knew she had dummies of her own while using the ODM gear, but birds rarely dealt with those. 

“You’re right,” She said in acceptance in the end, and wore a faint smile she couldn’t really suppress. Thoughts were being processed, and the rusty gears of her mind started to turn again. Questions came and left, words lining up on her tongue and causing a stampede. It felt so familiar that she could almost smell the nostalgic aroma of a midnight tea. The torches of the barracks would resemble an oil lamp if she squinted enough. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For answering. For sharing and for talking with me.” Esther shrugged as if to brush aside the importance of the moment, as if to show she appreciated it but it didn’t matter that much. She averted her eyes, and turned her head to look away. His face was out of her view, and her little frown was hidden. 

“Aren’t we friends?” He asked then. Not a no problem or don’t mention it, but a question. 

“We are?” Esther stilled, the implication of a friendship messing with the function of her heart. How strange it was, yet welcoming like it’d been waiting for her this whole time. 

She slowly turned her face towards him, her eyelashes acting as a protective barrier for her timid gaze. A hesitation of blind trust.

“Yes. So don’t thank me for talking to you.” Eren requested, and what was Esther supposed to say to that? What was she supposed to do about the increased rhythm of her heart, and happiness flowing through her veins? Oh, how she missed it. How she missed smiling uncontrollably, even though her vision was blurred from tears. 

She looked away from his teal coloured eyes, carrying the glow of the moon, and attempted to hide her expression. She bit down on her bottom lip; and if Eren noticed it all, he chose not to ask.

“Alright.” Esther whispered, the weight of gratitude leaving a sweet ache in her muscles. She rested her chin on her knees again, and closed her eyes. She didn’t need to watch the stars anymore to feel content that night.

Chapter Text

Year 848

“Lavenders require lots of sunlight, and fast draining soil. They can’t survive in shade or cold weather. That’s why they’re gone right now.” Esther pointed at the remaining petals of late lavenders, dry and abandoned on the ground. The wet soil was the product of autumn’s rain, and soon it’d be followed by snow. 

Esther was excited. She loved rain. She loved the large, dark clouds that blocked sunlight while she was having her breakfast. For someone who enjoyed the sunshine a lot, it was a bit strange, but she couldn’t help but appreciate every single natural event that occurred before her very eyes. She loved the sound of tapping raindrops on the window near her bed while going to sleep, and waking up to it still going strong. Stepping on puddles of fresh water was way different than stepping on gathered muddy pools. She loved the downpour leaving her drenched right down to her socks, and the earthy smell of petrichor rising from the soil and the grass. It was unique in every way, and the world looked beautiful when a storm was raging outside, her watching it unfold from the safety of the mess hall with a teacup in her hand. 

“Why do you hold your cup like that?” Eren once asked during breakfast. His eyes were not fully open yet, and his hair was a tousled mess. 

Esther was surprised he even noticed it in a drowsy state like that, his voice deeper than what she was used to.

“It’s an old habit.” She shrugged, her fingers firmly holding the cup from the rim. The smell wasn’t as inviting as what she was used to, but feeling the warmth rising from the liquid and softening the skin on her cheeks was more than welcome. 

Eren tried to warm his hands up in the pockets of his coat, hot breath of air coming out of his mouth before disappearing into thin air.

“That’s great, Esther. Can we go now?” He moved around and rubbed his arms against his torso to keep his body from going numb. Esther thought he was being a tad dramatic. 

She put the collected dry petals in her pouch, not bothered by the cold. Sure, the skin of her fingertips was almost deprived of sensation and she yearned for the warmth near a huge fireplace, but this was just as important. 

“You can go on.” Esther sent him a look, noticing the redness on his nose and cheeks. He was freezing while sending longing glances at the boys’ dormitory. 

He turned to Esther after her suggestion. A frown made his opinion on her passion project known, he wasn’t quite happy with collecting flower petals when the wind was doing its best to hit them with all its force. 

“Why are you doing this now? It’s going to rain again, we should head inside.” He tried to get her to walk away from the dead lavenders, but his attempts were in vain. Esther wasn’t interested in his suggestion.

“It won’t take long. Go inside, Eren. You’re cold.” She replied, inspecting a spotless purple petal. It was almost shaped like a heart, the sight of it between her fingers put a reminiscent smile on her face. The memory awakening in her mind was wistful, until Eren pushed his hand into her view and smeared the old scene. 

“So are you. Just be quick about it.” He complained, and gathered the remaining petals in his hand along with the damp dirt of the soil. He put it all in her pouch before she could protest, and her petals got stained by the colour of the earth, much like Eren’s freezing hands.

“Eren…” She sighed in defeat, her eyes closed as brief panic and helplessness mixed together in the pool of emotions. She didn’t even want every last one of the petals, why did he even…?

“What? You have them all now, come on!” He straightened up, pulling Esther to her feet and towards the barracks. She closed the cotton pouch and followed him, reluctance accompanying her each step. 

His hand was firm around the fabric of her thinner coat, and the first drops of rain started to fall, the clouds gathering above them unable to hold the tears in. She didn’t have it in herself to complain about his action, and accepted his clumsy attempt at lending a helping hand.

“Thank you. I didn’t mean to keep you outside.” She said when they stopped before the dorms. 

Wind started to gain speed and force, her hair escaping from her loose braids. She didn’t wear them tight on her scalp as usual. The exhaustion of training from day to night stressed her out, as well as the effort she put into her attempts at improvement in the usage of the ODM gear. She received headaches from time to time because of said reasons, and her scalp needed a break from tight knots from now and then.

“It’s fine, don’t worry. Just, head inside alright? Don’t go out again to pick flowers.” He tipped his chin at the door of her barracks, the idle chattering of the other girls welcomed her as she stepped closer to the entrance. 

“I don’t need any more anyway.” She lifted the full pouch, receiving a pleased nod from him. The fabric was now stained in mud, a mark left by Eren. 

He left for his own dormitory with redness covering his face. He really was freezing, and the raised shoulders of his put guilt in her chest even though he accompanied her by his own will. 

Esther entered the building and welcomed the warmth with a sigh. She headed to her bed, finding Annie sprawled on her mattress with a book in her hands. Esther had a theory that Annie loved the rain as much as she did. She always had a book open whenever rain announced its arrival, and she could be found under her covers almost always. 

“Collecting petals again?” Annie questioned without lifting her eyes up from the book. 

“Yes. I have a lot this time.” Esther replied, shaking the pouch before taking off her coat. 

Annie glanced at it, immediately noticing the brown stains now dry on the pale cotton.

“Eren got a little impatient.” Esther explained before she could ask.

“Hmm. It smells nice.” 

“I can give you some after I clean them.” She suggested, pouch secure between her fingers. She tapped a nervous finger on the ribbon that held the bag together. 

Eren wasn’t interested in flowers. He listened when she talked about them, but he also made it obvious that he didn’t care, not in the slightest. Annie, on the other hand, made it seem like she wasn’t interested; but she always had a comment about the sweet smell of the lavenders that Esther brought back. During the warm weathers, stems of lavenders would rest on their bedside table. Now that winter was fast approaching, the flowers were gone and Esther made sure to collect the best petals to keep the delicate scent alive for a little while longer. Annie didn’t complain. 

“Sure.” She shrugged, and Esther beamed a little. The positive response made her take off her boots and climb up to her own bunk with the pouch in hand, ready to choose the best ones from the bunch.

As the bag was opened, the earthy scent rose from inside. It wasn’t long before Annie could smell it better from beneath. 

Esther sat with her legs crossed, facing the window to witness the sight of harsh rain. The petals were soft and wet in her palm, and she was suddenly filled with longing for home. A single line of pain circled her brain, and she found it strange that she got the same sensation each time she brought lavenders back to her bed. It was unusual because they had no association with her home. Not lavenders and not any other flower, except for one, so it was a problem she couldn’t quite put a name to. Impatiens were the only breed that could remind her of the past, and she had difficulty spotting them around the city let alone the grounds of their base.

Annie was still reading in her bed, her eyes not focused on the words. That was until she noticed Esther’s head coming into view as she looked down at her from above, her face upside down and her fingers grabbing the edge to prevent herself from falling over.

“Are lavenders your favourite flower?” She suddenly asked, placing a confused frown on Annie’s unimpressed expression. The blonde turned back to her book, lifting it up slightly to block the view of her bunk mate’s face. 

“I don’t have a favourite flower.”

“Do you like all of them, then?” Esther asked, wonder leaking from her voice. Her interest was something Annie couldn’t understand, not when it concerned herself. 

“No.”

“That makes lavenders your favourite. You like their scent.” She pointed out, and Annie chose to stay silent. Esther couldn’t see her face through the book, and even if she did, she probably wouldn’t be able to read any emotions on her deadpan expression. 

Blood rushing to her head made her lay down on her back, and she stared at the ceiling with a sigh.

“It’s alright, I like it too,” She admitted as if it wasn’t obvious already. The petals laid in disarray on the sheets next to her. “It makes me miss my home, and I don’t even know why. We didn’t have any lavenders. I guess the scent has that effect on you.” 

Annie stayed silent, unsurprisingly. A storm was raging outside, hitting and clawing at the window to get to them while they laid motionless, unbothered by its fury.

“You don’t have any lavenders in Ehrmich?” Annie asked, and it was Esther’s turn to drown her in silence. 

She could easily say her home was void of lavenders, not the whole district. She could easily lie through her teeth, and Annie could easily act like she believed her. But Esther wasn’t a liar, because she was horrible at it. She was horrible at it, because she didn’t have it in herself to lie to people she cared about, and she was just unfortunate enough to have Annie as her bunk mate.

“You have your own things you can’t talk about, and I have mine. Stop asking questions.” Annie shut down the topic that started with some simple lavenders, and Esther frowned. Not in anger or annoyance, but in sadness. 

Having to keep secrets wasn’t as simple as she would’ve liked, and not really grasping the reason why she was keeping those secrets was worse. It was impulsive, and it was strong enough to tie her tongue. Her lack of knowledge of the world she found herself in with people she couldn’t read wouldn’t budge to help her either. 

It was times like this that would bring the uninvited feeling of being isolated her whole life. It was the awareness of being a lone stranger in everyone’s eyes, just like they were to her own hesitant ones. It sometimes put something heavy and unmovable on her chest, crushing her bones and making it harder for her to breathe as her ribs stabbed into her lungs.

“I’m sorry.” She said in a whisper, and turned to lay on her side. Curled up and left alone with the sound of rain and the merciless attack of said secrets. Unknowingly, much like the girl below her. 

༻✿༺

The arrival of winter brought the most beautiful sight Esther had ever seen. She first experienced the fall of the first snowflake during her first year in the Cadet Corps. They were so delicate and fragile, they disappeared in seconds upon making a single contact with her open palm. She felt their little touches and watched them dissolve into water drops as she stood outside, head laid back and wide eyes staring at the sky. 

It was breathtaking. It was like rain but white in colour and softer, the sky dropped millions of snowflakes on her and she barely felt them. They covered her hair, her clothes, her eyelashes, and she let them take over. She spent hours watching the bare grounds of the barracks get covered by a blanket of snow, making even the dirtiest corners appear clean and pure. 

Some cadets threw themselves out of the barracks, clad in cloaks and gloves and scarves, and they threw each other snowballs. They disarrayed the gathered snow on the bushes and laid on the ground, leaving patterns and making flimsy snowmen. Esther watched them with redness covering her numb nose and lips, spreading on her cheeks. She barely felt her hands, but she was happy. The disbelief of actually witnessing the snowfall kept her outside for a couple more hours, and it was Armin passing by who noticed the state she was in. 

Long story short, she spent six days at the infirmary, trying to recover from a fever that she brought on herself. Not being able to go outside and watching the snow from the windows of the hospital wing was a bigger torture than aching bones and having a runny and blocked nose at the same time.

Armin visited her on her first day. He said Eren and Mikasa stopped by as well while she was sleeping. 

On her second day, Sasha brought her a sandwich of two slices of bread, butter and jam snug in between. A not-so-subtle bite was taken from its corner and even though Sasha tried to convince Esther that it was just the shape of the bread, the crumbs at the corner of her lips proved otherwise. Esther gave her permission to eat the rest, saying her sore throat wouldn’t allow her anyway. Sasha showed impressive restraint and refused.

“You have to eat it if you want to get strong again.” She’d said, which was surprising but heartwarming for Esther to hear.

Annie followed Sasha’s visit, hands casually in her pockets as she looked down at her limp body, unimpressed. She let her know that her petals on the bedside table were completely dried up, and that she needed to come back as soon as possible to clean it up. 

If Esther had the energy, she would’ve laughed. Annie had no right to complain about any kind of mess, especially the lack of Esther’s, since she didn’t possess the concept of keeping her belongings organised. 

Still, Esther remained silent and let out a puff of air that was intended to be a snort. Annie eyed her for a little while longer, and left without a get well soon. She didn’t need to say it, Esther understood.

Christa showed up at one point, sitting by her side for a while and reassuring her that she’d be up in no time. They rarely shared a conversation, and they weren’t close by any means, but it was nice to have her kind voice lull her to sleep.

Eren came back a few times when she was awake. He sat on the chair by her bed and told her what they’d been doing at the trainings. Apparently snow was an excuse for Shadis to push them to their limits, shutting down everyone’s hopes for at least a few days off. 

Esther fell asleep listening to him, his stories putting her at ease no matter how easily he went from passionate to complaining while talking about them.

The next time he visited, he mentioned his father. He talked about him being a doctor, how he could heal her in a single day if he was here. 

“I never knew my father.” Esther revealed then, her tongue loose and mind not in control of her choice of words in the state of fever.

“Really?” Eren asked, and a moment of silence followed it. Esther was going in and out of sleep, her eyelashes fluttering in an attempt to keep her eyes on Eren. He was blurry in his chair. Drops of sweat were gathered on her temples and the cloth on her forehead had been warm for a long time. “What about your mother?”

“Mama won’t wake up,” Words left her lips lazily, and Eren barely understood what she was saying. He leaned in with a frown, her body slowly losing its battle against unconsciousness and her eyelids dropping in defeat. “She’s dead.” 

Eren never mentioned it, never forced her to elaborate. For a while, Esther wondered if it was a dream. She hoped it was, for the sake of maintaining her made up facade for a little while longer. And even if it wasn’t, she gladly chose to treat it as one. 

Fortunately for Esther, she learned her lesson and wore her cloak over her coat for the first snowfall in her second year in the Cadet Corps. She didn’t have any scarves, Elsa didn’t even think of knitting one, but she wasn’t intending on spending hours covered in snow again. She believed she’d have self control this time. So when she ran outside with her coat unbuttoned and an eager smile on her lips, the only thing her self restraint could do was watch her with twitching eyes. 

“Esther, are you sure this is a good idea?” Armin sat on a bench next to Mikasa, both of them wearing warm clothes. Mikasa’s scarf was tightly wrapped around her neck, now covering the lower half of her face as snow gathered in the folds. Her short hair was tucked in the soft fabric, acting as another layer of warmth. 

“Why wouldn’t it be?” She asked, laying on the ground with her limbs stretched out. A blanket of snow outlined her figure, and it was so damn cold. She could feel the icy snow find a way in through the collar of her cloak, but she refused to get up, stubborn as ever.

“You got sick last year. You’ll end up in the infirmary again if you’re not careful.” Mikasa answered in Armin’s stead, her eyes carefully watching over Esther. 

Esther glanced at her, her lips parting for a display of reassurance when boots stopped by her head, a shadow falling over her and stuffing the words back in her mouth.

“Mikasa is right. You’re acting reckless, Esther.” Reiner looked down at her, the hands on his hips radiating authority. 

Esther wasn’t close with Reiner, like she wasn’t quite close with any other cadets, but she never felt uncomfortable whenever he was around. He was liked enough by everyone that his only competition in popularity was Christa. 

He was responsible, and he encouraged everyone else to be the same. She learned soon enough that as one of the oldest ones in her class, he took it upon himself to look after the rest of the cadets, and she knew that was what he was intending to do at the very moment. Yet, even his domineering appearance couldn’t encourage her to move a single muscle. 

“I love snow.” She pointed out as if that was a convincing excuse. 

Reiner remained unimpressed as he stared at her with his narrow eyes. He didn’t bother to argue with her, instead he reached out a hand for her to grab. Esther stared at it for a moment longer, waiting for him to give up, but she should’ve realised sooner that he was as stubborn as her. 

She obeyed with a resigning sigh and put her cold hand in his gloved palm. Her back was covered in snow as well as her hair. Soon enough, the flakes would melt and leave their place to dampness and she’d regret her decision. But for now, she took a spot next to Reiner and inspected the mould of her body on the ground.

“Was it worth it?” He asked, and Esther smiled with pride in return.

“Yes, it definitely was.”

༻✿༺

With the votes of Reiner, Armin and Mikasa, they left the snow-covered grounds behind and headed to the mess hall. Fog tea was being served before lunch, the only special treatment the cadets received throughout the whole year for the sake of uplifting their spirits with the first snowfall of the year. The whole room smelt of warming bergamot, and Esther wore a blissful smile that suited the blush on her cheeks well. She sat next to Reiner, palms covering her cup to warm herself up. The smoke rising from the liquid went straight into her inhaling nostrils, and it relaxed her right down to her rigid muscles. 

Armin sat across from Reiner and Esther on the other side of the table, and Mikasa next to him with an extra cup she got for Eren, who was nowhere to be seen.

“The snowstorm training exercise must be around the corner, now that the first snowfall is here.” Reiner pointed out, barely touching his own drink. 

“You’re right. Shadis mentioned it only last week, I wonder what he has in store for us.” Armin’s thoughtful eyes were staring at nothing in particular. The concept of exercising in snow seemed to make him nervous, and Esther could understand why. If she got a fever by only standing outside for a short few hours, she could only imagine what exercising during a snowstorm would do to someone. Not to mention, this was going to affect their grades. 

“Whatever it is, we’ll manage. There’s no other way.” Reiner replied, attempting to make doubts disappear from Armin’s eyes. 

Armin gave him a half smile, not quite convinced but appreciative at the same time. 

“It’s easy for you to say, Reiner. You’re strong.” 

“And you’re smart. We’ll help each other out for things we lack. It’s part of being a soldier, not everyone is good at everything.”

“Mikasa is.” Esther pointed out, taking a break from drinking her tea. 

A white substance formed a thin moustache over her upper lip. Armin tapped his own philtrum to warn her, and Esther quickly wiped the tea stain with the back of her hand, embarrassed.

“She’s an exception.” Reiner fudged her statement, taking a sip from his tea. 

“I’ll help too. If it really is going to be on a mountain, it’ll be dangerous. It’s best if we stick together.” Mikasa said, and Armin gave a supportive nod at her suggestion. 

“Agreed. What do you say, Esther? Or will you be too busy making snow angels to pass the exercise?” Reiner turned to look at her, his eyebrow raised in amusement.

“What’s a snow angel?” Esther frowned, confused but intrigued by the new term.

“It’s what you were doing on the ground. You were lying still, though. Usually people move their arms and legs to form the shape of an angel.” Reiner explained, and Esther’s eyes widened in realisation.

That was why the other cadets were moving their arms up and down and their legs from side to side. She knew something was amiss as she lied on the snow motionless.

“I didn’t know!” She glanced at the windows of the mess hall, the ledges covered in snow, suddenly eager to go back outside and give the snow angel a try. 

Reiner must’ve seen the look in her eyes, as he waved a hand in front of her face to break the spell.

“Focus, Esther. The exercise. We should help each other out. It’s the only way we all can get out of this place with the best grades.”

“I know, I-” Esther’s shoulders dropped with a sigh, realising her tendency to drag the conversation down a desultory road. The excited look in her eyes was diminished by Reiner’s attempt to keep her indoors. She had difficulty understanding why he cared so much about the wellness of the people around him, but she couldn’t find it in herself to complain. It was nice to have people looking out for her after so long instead of treating her with hostility. “I’m sorry. I agree, I’ll stick with you guys.” 

“Good,” Reiner gave a nod in approval after a short silence. Her tea was going cold. The atmosphere changed from lively to stagnant. “We have a little more than a year left until we graduate. And then-”

“We can go back to our hometown, we know.” Esther completed his sentence, lifting her cup to take a sip. Her hand paused in the air midway, the wooden mug felt like it was slipping from where she was holding it from the rim. Time felt frozen as Reiner stared at her, as well as Armin and Mikasa, confusion taking over their expressions. The voices of the surrounding cadets seemed to cease, and the sound of the biting wind outside was the only thing Esther could somehow hear to the fullest.

“What are you talking about?” Reiner asked in everyone’s stead at the table, a questioning frown on his face as he waited expectantly for an answer. 

Esther, on the other hand, had difficulty moving a single muscle including her lips. Her eyes widened and mouth stayed open, no words eager to come out. Why did she just say that? Why did she mention their hometown when she wasn’t even from Maria? Why? Why? Why?

“You’re from Ehrmich, aren’t you?” Armin asked, his voice softer than Reiner’s questioning one. 

Esther panicked. She managed to put her cup down with a nervous gulp. What was she supposed to say to that? They were going to question if she was actually from Maria, and with what she said about the titans during her first day, she didn’t have the best odds on her side. It seemed like she was adamant about making a mess of things wherever she went.

“Yes.” She answered, head hung low and eyes empty as she stared at the liquid in her cup. It was as good as frozen at this point, much like the part of her brain which struggled to come up with an explanation.

“Then why-?”

“I don’t know. It just came out,” She murmured, a familiar ache travelling through a single vein in her brain, pressuring the top of her scalp and preventing her from thinking properly. She closed her eyes, a sigh caused her nostrils to flare as she thought of ways to dissipate the awkwardness. How could she explain something even she didn’t understand? “I just meant to say our land. You know, in general.”

It didn’t turn things for the better. Reiner sat in silence, and the glare he was sending at his cup would break it in half if it could. Armin examined her, dubious, and if Mikasa was suspicious of her she refused to make it known. They didn’t ask anything else, and Reiner left their table to join Bertholdt instead. Esther’s shoulders stiffened as he stood up without saying a word. She rolled her cup between her fingers without taking a single sip. 

Armin and Mikasa were suddenly less than talkative, and her tea had already gone cold. 

She felt unwelcome, so she followed Reiner’s steps and stood up to make herself scarce. Excusing herself, she left the mess hall and skipped lunch in the process. A flush of embarrassment accompanied her every step as she hurried to the dormitory, her boots leaving uneven patterns in the snow, the wind trying its best to fight against her. Soon after, she threw herself under the covers of her bed, cradling her head and squeezing her eyes shut. 

Why was this happening to her? Why was she having trouble thinking? Why did she have intrusive thoughts that weren’t her own, and why did she uncontrollably say them aloud? This wasn’t like her. How could she not have control of her own thoughts? This wasn’t her at all. If it was the result of spending years in grief, she hated it as much as she hated counting days on the couch back in Elsa’s place before going to sleep. 

Reiner was right, she should focus on getting the best grades possible and leaving this place behind. She should focus on what she’d been longing to achieve for years, and nothing else. If headaches and alien thoughts wanted to bring her down, they’d have to try harder than that.

༻✿༺

Armin was right to be nervous about the snowstorm training exercise, and Reiner was smart to suggest sticking together along with Mikasa. The snow fell as mercilessly as possible, the flakes Esther once thought to be fragile hit the cadets’ faces with enough force to make their skin burn. The ground was covered in a thick blanket of freezing snow, putting everything underneath to a deep sleep. 

Esther loved nature, she loved both the positives and negatives and witnessing them all, but she wasn’t sure if this snowstorm was on the list. Her face felt numb, her hands were freezing even beneath the assigned gloves. Her thick clothes barely provided any heat, and her warm breath disappeared in seconds after making contact with the air. The snow didn’t gracefully flutter down and impress her with all its elegance, it showed her hostility and wrath. For what, she couldn’t tell. 

“We’re on the right track, I’m telling you!” Jean raised his voice, pointing in the direction of pine trees while Eren stood with a map, sending him a dubious stare.

“The map says otherwise.” 

“Since when can you read a map? Give it to me.” Jean attempted to take it, but his hand grabbed nothing but air as Eren turned away just in time.

“No, I’m responsible for the map.” 

“Please stop fighting,” Armin sighed, tired and cold. His usually wide eyes were rendered half lidded because of exhaustion from walking in the blizzard for hours. Despite his advices on sticking together, Reiner was assigned in a different group and so far they haven’t been coping well. “It’s below zero and we can barely see a thing. Do you know where we are on the map, Eren?” 

Eren chose to stay silent as his eyes inspected the piece of paper he’d been holding for a very long time. The frown on his face deepened on a concerning level over time and he seemed to get more frustrated by the minute.

“You don’t even know?” Jean palmed his face, baring his teeth to make his irritation visible. “Why did you volunteer to hold the map if you can’t even read it!?” 

“Shut up! I am reading it!” Eren argued not so effectively, flattening the paper with a single shake. 

Esther stood back with Mikasa, her eyelids heavy against the force of the snow hitting her skin. The hair strands escaping from her braids flew in front of her face, blocking her view, but she was too tired to lift a hand to swat them away. 

“Are you alright, Esther?” Mikasa asked as Armin tried to find the middle ground between Eren and Jean. 

Esther glanced at her, her backpack causing her shoulders to ache and her boots slowly losing their fight against the snow to keep the cold out. Mikasa seemed to be in a better state than any of them. Focus was clear in her narrowed eyes and with her black hair falling against her forehead, Esther started to think of a familiar face when she should’ve given her attention to surviving the night and nothing else. Everything besides their task to find their way to the base was irrelevant.

“I’m cold.” Esther gave the most obvious answer apart from I’m tired, and Mikasa sent a glance towards the map Eren was insistent on holding. Esther could swear she saw glints of worry in her eyes for a short moment.

“The trees will take us to the peak of the mountain! We should go down this way!” Eren motioned at a slope that went lower while Jean kept suggesting the other route.

“May I look at the-” Armin tried to squeeze in, but to no avail.

“The trees will break the wind! As the leader, I say it’s the best choice right now.” Jean interrupted.

“Can I-”

“Armin, tell him the slope is the right way!” Eren turned to his friend, acknowledging him at last, but Armin wasn’t quick to obey his command straight away. He sent a glance at the map, eager to take it but hesitant to speak only for the two of them to interrupt him again.

“Eren, give the map to Armin. We don’t have any time to waste.” Mikasa ordered, and Eren turned to send her a disobedient glare only to notice the state Esther was in right next to her. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, lowering his voice to a level of worry. His hands relaxed around the paper and Armin was able to easily take it from him in a moment of distraction. Eren didn’t fight it, and took a step towards Esther instead. 

“I’m cold.” Esther answered once again, her teeth chattering and fingers clenching to keep the feeling in their tips. The deceptively soft snow almost reaching her knees started to feel like drying cement the longer they walked, and there was not a single thing she could do about it. Her only hope was trusting Armin to lead them to safety and warmth. 

“Don’t worry, we must be close. You’ll warm up in no time.” Eren tried to reassure her, but his words were as useless as her ability to think straight. 

Inhaling the cold air burned her nostrils and breathing through her mouth stung her teeth, causing them to ache right down to their roots. She wasn’t as immune to the cold weather as the rest of the group. One fall of a snowflake and she was ready to get bedridden for a week, so naturally she wasn’t eager to find out what this blizzard had in store for her.

“Eren, I n-never thought the d-day would come but I think I agree with J-Jean.” Esther struggled to finish her sentence while her stiff jaw fought against her to form a proper sentence. 

Eren scoffed, sending daggers at the back of the said boy’s coated back.

“Yeah, I know. Armin volunteered to mark the path so, what was I supposed to do? Tell him no?” 

“Yes, exactly t-that.” 

“He has the map now, we’ll be alright. Don’t worry.” 

“I’m too tired and c-cold to worry.” Esther rubbed her covered hands together, instinctively lifting her shoulders as if the movement was going to fix all of her problems. 

They walked for another hour, and Eren’s reassurances turned out to be blatant lies. He seemed to panic when Esther started to trip over her own feet and struggle to move her numb legs. Skin and muscle seemed to disappear and declare her bones the sole survivor as they tried to carry her to the safety of the base. 

“How much further?” Eren asked, talking faster than usual in a state of worry. Esther hated that he was starting to lose his cool again, because it had an immediate effect on her own mind. She started to panic about her state, feeling anxious that her body was going to collapse any second to be buried under the snow, never to be found again. She couldn’t have that, it would be a problem. There were things she wanted to do and people she needed to see.

“It should be close, the path seems straight and clear from this point forward.” Armin answered without lifting his eyes from the map. 

Eren looked back at Esther with a smile that seemed forced and unsuccessful to cover his concern.

“You hear that, Esther?” He asked, but his weak smile disappeared when he saw the said girl lean against a tree, her body slowly crumbling to the ground. “Esther?”

The group came to a halt at his worrisome tone, pairs of eyes watching Esther sit down and lean against the tree trunk with a tired huff. The snow outlined her waist and calves, her bent knees providing so little warmth. Her backpack acted as a pillow and at least gave her some sort of comfort as she leaned back. Her muscles were aching painfully.

“I just need to rest for a b-bit. P-Please go on. I’ll- I’ll catch up.” She closed her eyes, unconsciousness calling for her with a sweet voice, open arms waiting to welcome her into their heat. Sleeping on the soft veil of snow didn’t sound so bad right then. It was like laying on the clouds, making her feel weightless like a bird floating in the air. She couldn’t have that. She shouldn’t, but it was so inviting…

“Hey!” A firm hand clapped her shoulder, shaking her back to the extremely unpleasant reality. “You can rest when we make it back, get up! I’m tired of your slacking!” 

Esther thought it was Eren at first. His face was the last she saw, his voice the last she heard, but her parted eyelids revealed Jean’s scolding face. Eren looked at her over his shoulder, a desperate look on his face as he turned to Armin for deeply needed guidance. The blond managed to keep his cool somehow, and double checked the map to make sure they were on the right track. Mikasa leaned down to put a hand under her arm, another one at her back between her coat and her backpack. 

“Come on, Esther. We’re almost there.” She encouraged, her voice calm and collected. She didn’t sound or look helpless at all, and even though sleep called out her name, Esther managed to get back up with the help of Mikasa’s steady hands. 

She didn’t let go of her as they continued their journey through the blizzard, and Esther looked up from time to time to see her black hair going outside the boundaries of her hood and oh, her narrowed eyes and deadpan yet attentive profile. She couldn’t help but smile, leaning against her and accepting her help to carry some of her weight.

“You just reminded me of someone.” Esther mumbled, her words barely managed to be comprehensible.

“Who?” Mikasa asked, her gaze not breaking away from the road. The wind started to lose its power as they descended, which seemed to be the good news. 

“You wouldn’t know him-”

“We made it!” Eren’s relieved voice was high in volume, and it managed to uplift Esther’s spirits to a degree. 

She lifted her head, looked around and saw warm lights coming from a short distance away. They were beckoning their little group over, offering them what they’d been yearning for for god knew how many hours. 

Eren looked back once again, checking on Esther’s state. She managed to keep walking with Mikasa’s help for the last fifteen minutes, and Eren approached to take over from her for the remaining of the road. Mikasa let him help her after a bit of convincing, but she didn’t stray too far away just in case. 

“See? I told you,” He said, suddenly proud of his own reassurances even though it took more than an hour for them to come true. “We can have some tea once we settle in. You still have some in your flask, don’t you?”

The more she accepted his help, the more he pulled her closer to take off some of her weight. She felt his warm yet quick breaths caress her freckled face as he leaned in to talk to her, somehow believing she was having difficulties hearing. Still, Esther couldn’t find it in herself to complain about anything in particular except for the cold and exhaustion. 

“Yes.” She said, eager to warm it up and drink it before going to sleep. The presence of it became too prominent for her to ignore, and she tried to make it easier on Eren by speeding up.

“I should’ve mentioned it earlier.” He teased, but Esther was in no state to play along. The only thing she could produce was a faint smile before it disappeared into thin air like her short breaths. 

The instructors in charge greeted them, congratulating them on their score of nine hours and twelve minutes. Esther thought she was going to faint at the reveal of the time they spent on the mountain, but thankfully Eren was supporting her and Mikasa was waiting only a step behind. 

“Did everyone make it back?” Armin asked, folding the map as they no longer had use for it. 

“Most of them did. A few are still missing. If they can’t make it back soon, we’ll go looking for them in the morning.”

Eren’s hand on her arm tightened as his initial reaction.

“In the morning? But-”

“The blizzard is getting worse. Sending someone after them will only result in more casualties.” They explained, and the word casualty left a bitter taste in its wake. Even Esther had enough energy to worry about someone else except for her own self, because she knew what a pain being in that blizzard was. She couldn’t imagine having to endure it until the morning, she’d probably freeze to death before dawn. Snow would bury her within minutes and no one would be able to find her petrified body. She shivered at the thought.

Having no choice but to obey, the group made it back into the cabin. Eren guided Esther to a nearby bed and helped her remove her backpack and thick coat. Mikasa picked up one of the folded blankets to wrap around her trembling body, and Esther felt like she was tasting comfort for the first time ever. The gratefulness she had for the warmth of the blanket and the softness beneath her body was immeasurable, not to mention the immense appreciation she had for everyone in the group. Even Jean, who refused to let her lay motionless against a tree trunk to let the blizzard claim her.

“Are you feeling better?” Armin asked while Eren went through her bag to find her flask without getting rid of his own weights. He really meant it when he mentioned they’d drink tea as soon as they made it back.

“Yes, I do. Thank you, all of you. I’m sorry I wasn’t of any help, I-”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Eren interrupted, finding the container of the liquid with a short lived triumphant smile before standing back up. Esther sent it a longing stare as he approached the wood burning stove to heat up the tea in a pot. Everyone else had water in theirs, and Esther had planned ahead to have something extra and warm on her for the long journey. She just wasn’t successful at calculating the time it’d take for them to make it to the base before it got cold. “I should’ve let Armin handle the map from the beginning.” He sighed in defeat, seemingly talking to himself.

Maybe he was right, maybe he wasn’t, it didn’t matter. Esther was in a state of helplessness because it was how things were. How they’d always been for her. The voice that always guided her called her weak and fragile often times, and it was true. Her peers would always be better than her, because being incompetent was a part of her being. It was the core of her existence. It was just another thing she had to make peace with no matter how reluctant she was.

“What matters is that we made it back in one piece.” Armin reassured, ending the chapter of Esther’s disastrous adventure without blaming a single person. 

Jean was quiet through it all for some reason, but Esther couldn’t complain about the boy who chose to sit on another bed in silence. He must’ve been too tired to fire insults at her and Eren for their inefficiency. She could almost hear his warnings of how they both were going to be titan bait on their first days with the Survey Corps. 

As of right now, the blizzard outside scared her more than the supposedly horrifying faces of the titans, so she doubted he would get any reaction out of her anyway.

“You all made it back alive,” Reiner’s uplifting voice entered the room, Bertholdt standing a step behind him and inspecting their group from the next room. They were rid of their snow gear, now wearing their casual jumpers in the heat of the wood supplied fire. He checked every member of the group with an approving smile for their successful return, but it turned into a frown when his eyes paused on Esther. Wrapped up in a blanket with redness covering the skin of her face, she didn’t seem to be in the best shape. Her eyelids were lowered and her chattering teeth didn’t seem like they would be ceasing anytime soon. “What happened?”

“Eren messed up the map and Esther almost froze to death as a result.” Jean summarised, demolishing her previous thoughts about him staying quiet. He must’ve gathered enough strength to generate some sort of a complaint.

Eren performed a sharp turn, not missing the chance to glare at him. His hands were over the oven, trying to warm up as the tea got heated. A snarl was on his lips to display frustration against no one but himself, because he knew it was true. No words of defence left his mouth, and he turned his back to Jean with an irritated huff.

“There’s no point in bringing that up, Jean. We all completed the exercise and Esther is right here.” Mikasa came to his rescue; and if she agreed with Jean’s statement even just a little bit, she successfully avoided making it known. 

“Mikasa is right,” Reiner intercepted before Jean could argue back. His frowning gaze focused on the girl who almost froze to death. “Esther, are you alright?” 

Staring at the floor with her half lidded eyes, she had trouble keeping her head up. Laying down and sleeping seemed sweeter than it did up on the mountain, and a content smile stretched her lips. It was so nice, so comforting to have people by her side and to have them ask her if she was okay. It was more than a blissful feeling to know she could rely on any of them even though they didn’t know a lot about each other. They were going to be her future comrades after all, whether they joined the Survey Corps or not.

“I am, don’t worry about me.” She mumbled, coming to the realisation of sweat gathering on her neck and back. She was tempted to drop the blanket even though warmth hadn’t reached every inch of her body yet. Where was Christa anyway? 

Eren interrupted the disarray of her thoughts by kneeling before her, holding the flask that was refilled with warm tea. She could smell the floral aroma of it, she could almost taste its sweetness and feel it smoothly glide on her dry tongue.

“Thank you.” She grabbed it eagerly, her hands trembling a little. Eren supported the bottom of the flask and helped her lift it to her lips. 

“Is there any news on Christa? She still hasn’t made it back. Neither have Ymir and Daz.” Reiner questioned, and the group members looked at each other as if the answer lied within their oblivious eyes.

“Not really. The instructors said some people were still missing, though. They said they’ll wait until morning before sending a search team.” Armin answered, making himself comfortable near the fire. Even though the warmth of it relaxed him, he still had worry in his eyes upon the mention of the three missing members of Christa’s group.

“Until morning?” Reiner was surprised and displeased by the news, much like everyone in the room.

“Yes, because of the blizzard’s condition. It’s getting worse.” 

“It doesn’t make any sense. They could be lost. No one can make it until the morning out there.” Eren’s eyes were watching Esther eagerly gulp down her tea as he spoke out against their superiors’ excuse.

“You don’t say.” Jean huffed, being mindful of his tone and keeping his voice quiet. He seemed more frustrated with his backpack and coat as he struggled to take them off. 

“They have to make it back soon.” Armin glanced out at the window, watching the snow fall in a hurry. Their descent was more graceful than the attack of the ones on the mountain, yet the sight still wasn’t enough to comfort any of them. 

Esther lowered the flask with an exhale that radiated delight. There wasn’t a single drop of tea left, and her eyes were already closed under the comfort of her newfound safety. Eren’s elbow rested on her knee as he continued to kneel, eyeing her face to make sure she was feeling better.

“Good?” He asked to confirm, and she gave him a reassuring nod.

The container felt weightless in her hand, and she could almost hear a distant voice scolding her for drinking it too quickly. It’s tea, idiot. Not water.

A reminiscent smile tugged on the corners of her lips, and she almost answered it. She almost looked up and searched for the narrow eyes that radiated nothing but irritation. She almost fell into the trap of her own cruel mind.

“You should rest, Esther.” Mikasa’s voice pulled her out, and she didn’t fight her attempts to help her lay down. The flask was taken from her hands and her lips were left parted before the blanket could be properly placed on her body. Sleep snatched her away immediately, and she felt more drained as her headache got stronger the moment she stepped foot into the room. She dreamt of a little girl opening the door of her home, eager to talk about a disaster she barely averted. 

༻✿༺

Going back to the barracks filled Esther with more relief than she could imagine, as well as the rest of the cadets that returned from the mountain. The other half of their year would get their trainings done in three days on Friday, and they were already filled with fear and worry upon the arrival of those who survived. Well, everyone she knew survived and Esther might’ve been exaggerating the situation on her behalf, but she did not have a great time at all and the thought of going back into that blizzard made her take pity on the unsuspecting cadets. They were going to hate it. 

When Friday came, the camp grounds naturally felt emptier and quieter, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Esther enjoyed having almost all of the tables at the mess hall all to herself. She liked sitting on the bench in front of the dormitories in silence without the loud chatters splitting her attention.

When Saturday came, Eren found her early in the morning aimlessly walking around. The rest of the cadets would be returning from the mountain after noon, and the two of them were the only ones occupying the grounds behind the barracks. Their boots crushed the melting snow that covered the soil with dirtied mud. The snowfall was only beautiful until the point of thaw that the rain brought, then it filled Esther with a feeling of disassociation, like the two weather conditions didn’t and couldn’t belong together. The icy snow didn’t fight the rain at all and the end result wasn’t visually pleasing.

“We have a few days of leave next week.” Eren kicked the rock that was in his way, hands casually in his pockets and eyes emitting sleep that was cut too early. The drizzle shyly touched his hair.

Esther hummed to let him know she was listening, and watched her boots leave a muddy print on the white ground, staining the melting snow. They walked at a slow pace, and counting in the lack of noise pollution from cadets, she considered the moment peaceful. 

“What are you going to do?” He asked, not lifting his eyes from the ground where he found rocks and pebbles of different shapes to kick around. 

“Nothing, really. I might train on omnidirectional mobility for a bit.” Esther shrugged. 

Free days meant nothing to her. She didn’t really spend them with anyone in particular and training seemed like the most useful thing to do apart from laying in bed and forcing herself to take a nap with a sparkle of self pity clouding her mind. The latter wasn’t much preferred. 

“What do you mean train? I just said we have a few days off.” 

“Well, what are you going to do?” Esther asked, shoulders raised in defence against his judgement on her choice of pastime activity. 

Eren refused to make eye contact.

“I asked first.” 

“And I answered.”

“Answer better, then. Isn’t there anything you want to do?” 

Esther pursed her lips, a thoughtful look in her eyes as she looked up at the dark clouds as if they had the answer she was looking for. The thing was, she had so many activities in mind that she wanted to do. She wanted to leave the barracks and visit every marketplace that Wall Rose had. She wanted to see the popular spots and sit at the coffee shops and taste test every single sweet that they had to offer. She wanted to… She wanted to visit a flower shop. 

“I guess there are some places I’d like to visit.” She shrugged. If she were to continue her mental list, they’d be walking in circles the whole day.

“Like where?” Eren sent her a glance from the corner of his eye, a curious little peek. 

“Nothing in particular. Just different spots, random shops, things like that.” It wasn’t like she could buy anything, but still. Wanting to explore and needing to buy were two unrelated things.

“Armin’s been wanting to visit this bookstore at a nearby town. You can come with, if you want.” Eren suggested, scratching his neck with a subtle motion to look casual. He was avoiding eye contact for some reason and Esther couldn’t help but think he was only inviting her out of politeness. 

“I don’t mind staying here, Eren. You don’t have to feel obligated to invite me.”

Eren looked at her then, and their eyes finally met. His frown was a familiar sight, such a common expression on his face that Esther almost forgot to question if she said something wrong.

“Why would I feel obligated?”

“To be polite? I know you feel guilty about the exercise but I’m-“

“This has nothing to do with that.” He interrupted, his light frown deepening into a scowl. It appeared that he disliked how she viewed his friendly invitation as an excuse to apologise for what happened on the mountain. 

Esther decided to shut her mouth to avoid irritating him with another assumption that she’d utter without thinking. They resumed their journey around the barracks without the nagging of hurry, but their conversation died down as Esther tried to put the situation into perspective. 

If he said he wasn’t asking her to come with out of obligation then it was the truth, there was nothing more to say about that. And she’d say yes, because why wouldn’t she want to go to a bookstore with him and his closest friends? The problem was tinier than the tip of a needle, but it was nagging her because she wasn’t used to any of this. She didn’t know any friendships prior to last year and it naturally frightened her because getting closer to Eren meant the possibility of losing him growing bigger. Her heart was already in pieces from what she’d lost over the years and who could’ve imagined that befriending someone would be this frightening? 

The breeze provided so little sound for their ears and the lack of cadets didn’t help for the first time ever. Eren kicked another rock, a bigger one that disrupted the small gatherings of snow, and Esther walked beside him with no idea on what to say. It was a strange situation for her, because she used to always have something to say, something to ask and something to keep the conversation flowing. She had difficulty understanding why Eren even bothered with her, because that was another thing she had no experience with. Not once did the kids she’d known approach her with kindness, so naturally she had no idea what to do with the boy that fate so casually dropped in front of her.

“So? Are you coming or not?” He was getting impatient.

“Okay,” Esther relented, her voice slightly louder than a timid whisper. “I’ll come with.”

So she said yes, without realising it would lead to a turning point in their friendship.

The week passed by with the usual lectures, trainings and loud meal times. Not long after, Esther found herself walking along with the trio that allowed her to join their visit to a nearby town. The snow was now gone except for little remains on sidewalks. There was no rain either, just a gloomy weather with the threat of dropping some drizzle. 

Esther wore a skirt thinking the bright sun she saw in the morning was the herald of nice weather but she couldn’t be any more wrong. The sun disappeared without mercy as soon as they left the barracks, and she had no alternative but to regret her decision. Her boots provided some sort of warmth, as well as her coat, and she had her white bandana accompanying her around her neck. Her loose hair was being held back on each side by two butterfly hair clips. She refused to be sullen just because of a skirt when she was on an outing to a place she’d never been before.

The town wasn’t crowded as it was a weekday. Houses and buildings were built close by, each of them taken care of by their owners. Some had flowerpots at their windows and by the doors, some had laundry hanging on strings and others had children playing not too far from the streets. It was livelier than where she was from, and more colourful. Even the stray dogs and cats looked happier in Rose. 

“Esther, keep up!” Eren beckoned, and only then did she realise that she was walking way behind the trio. The surrounding area captured her interest and her parted lips so much that she couldn’t put any focus on her irregular steps. 

“Sorry.” The spell broke, and she hurried over to them with her eyes staring ahead and at nothing else. 

“Where is this bookstore anyway?” Eren sighed, already tired of walking around aimlessly. 

“It should be around the corner.” Armin pointed at a curve as their destination. 

They took the first turn right and entered a narrower path, shops built close together engulfing them. Two kids ran past, laughing as the slower one tried to catch up to the other. Esther only meant to take a short glance at them, to see the smiles on their faces which would be contagious, but the moment she turned her head, she came face to face with numerous flowers decorating the windows of a shop. Pots of them took the space on each side of the entrance and made a short but visually appealing path into the florist. 

Esther gasped, unconsciously freezing on the spot and causing the trio to come to a halt along with her. 

“What is it?” Armin asked, glancing over his shoulder with his wide, curious eyes. 

Esther’s were similar to his, her beaming gaze was full of wonder and she had difficulty taking her eyes away from the display of colours. She could see pansies, their petals growing darker towards the pistil. There were daffodils and star shaped jasmines. She was seeing all of them for the first time in her life, but her knowledge couldn’t be faulty. She’d seen their illustrations enough times to memorise their appearances, after all. The need to go inside bloomed in her chest, her heart beating a little livelier and a childlike smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

“Do you want to go inside?” Eren asked, even though her verbal answer wasn't needed. It was obvious enough from the look on her face and the eager leaning of her body. 

She turned to look at him upon the suggestion, giving him a quick nod. The gleam of her eyes was on display for him to see, and she bit on her bottom lip to keep herself from smiling too much. It was an old habit, along with every other mannerism she had an excuse for. 

She awaited his response, feeling the need to get their permission first as she was accompanying them, not the other way around. 

It was unknown why Eren took so long to give her a reply. It was curious even to his own confused mind why he just stared at the rare joy on her face and the wind gently playing with her dark strands until his own blink pulled him together.

“Alright.” He hummed in acknowledgment, approaching Esther to close the gap her involuntary halt caused. 

Her enthusiasm doubled in amount and it was even more visible up close. She turned and dashed inside without saying a single word or waiting to see if Armin and Mikasa would agree. She was gone in the blink of an eye, disappeared between rows and rows of pots and colourful petals. 

“Go on, we’ll join you in a few.” Eren said to his friends before following Esther in.

“Sure, it should be on this street.” Armin informed, but he wasn’t sure if the brunette heard. His expressive eyes were wide in surprise for a short moment, and not because his friend disappeared before he could finish. Eren was like that, always running after someone or something on his own accord, having a goal of his own in mind and he was nothing but hell bent on going after what he wanted to achieve. But the steps he took usually led him to fights and violence, as he wasn’t the one to back down. So Armin didn’t understand why he was running after Esther into a florist, but the comprehension came quick and it was as clear as the blue petals he walked past by. 

“Come on, Mikasa.” He nudged the dark haired girl, who most likely had a similar conclusion forming beneath her unchanging expression that wouldn’t let any information out.

Esther and Eren were welcomed into the shop by an old lady who had her grey hair in a low bun, a tired smile on her face with wrinkles forming as a remainder of a life well spent. She welcomed the two, one of them as excited as one could ever be and the other following blindly, clueless on why there was barely any space to walk between the numerous pots. 

“Good afternoon.” Esther greeted politely. Her eyes were fighting against her cheekbones pushing them into a squint, and the culprit was her gleaming smile that Eren could swear he was seeing for the first time on her face. 

“You sure look happy.” He couldn’t help but comment as Esther approached a counter displaying white jasmines.

“I love flowers,” She explained as if it wasn’t obvious already. She raised a hand and let her fingertips touch the fragile petals, greeting them gently. Their smell was strong, and she welcomed it with a deep inhalation. The scent was rich and sweet with a wild undertone and the combination of the opposites was nothing but captivating. “These smell better than lavenders.” 

Eren sniffed once, glanced at the flowers that didn’t seem special at all, and sniffed again just to be sure.

“They smell the same as grass to me.” He shrugged, and the sharp turn of Esther’s head rendered him still. His eyes turned round with the knowledge of having said something wrong. 

“What do you mean? They’re completely different.” Esther frowned as if he had just made the most outrageous comparison ever. 

“R-Right.” He took a step back, allowing her to have her moment with the flower that apparently had the best scent in the whole world. 

Esther turned back around to the pots, the flowers danced around her fingers as their tips grazed on the petals, following along the stem and feeling the damp soil keeping it alive.

“They bloom at night,” She mumbled after a short moment of silence, the white pigments of the petals staring back at her. “That’s why they symbolise purity.” 

Eren refrained from making a comment, and she was certain to a degree that he didn’t want to say something silly again. 

“Are you going to buy them?” 

“Maybe,” Esther lifted her gaze, looking at the rows and shelves of flowerpots that she needed to check before deciding on what to buy. Not to mention, she didn’t have a whole lot of money on her. “I’ll look around first.”

For the next ten minutes, she switched from one breed to another, checking every colour and touching every petal, breathing in the mix of countless plants. Eren was content with leaning against a counter, vines occasionally brushing his sleeve. If Esther wasn’t so concentrated on her mission at picking the best flower, she’d find it odd that someone as impatient as Eren managed to stand still without complaining about boredom once. 

Esther rose from where she was kneeling to smell the stunningly pink cyclamens. She turned to check on Eren, who silently watched and waited, his strange patience only making Esther feel guilty. He was kind enough to invite her along and all she did was steal the free time he had with his friends. 

“Sorry, this is taking long. Why don’t you go ahead? I’ll pick one and catch up to you.”

Eren blinked, a display of acknowledgment of suddenly being addressed. His lips parted and it seemed like he’d object for a moment, but words were absent. 

“Alright,” He said in acceptance instead. “It should be on this street. If you can’t find it, we’ll meet here.” 

Eren parted ways with her after receiving an affirmative nod. Esther spent a few more minutes at the florist. She’d never seen so many flowers in one place before, and she knew it’d be a while before she could come back again. 

In the end, she decided to buy a small pot of jasmines. A bush of green leaves contained three flowers, and she knew Annie would appreciate their scent as well. Not to mention, it would look pretty on their bedside table with the tall window behind it.

“I’d like to buy this, please.” She carried the pot over to the old lady, who was more than happy to assist her with the purchase.

“Careful, they will soon outgrow this pot. Make sure to prune them.” The lady warned, and gifted her a pair of secateurs with wooden handles, only because she seemed very interested in her shop. 

Even with a free tool, Esther ended up spending all the pennies she had on her in exchange for the flowers and information on how to care for them, and she didn’t regret a single thing. These were the very first flowers she owned, it was no small feat. She’d take good care of them and make sure they’d live for as long as possible. 

With her arms hugging the flowerpot against her chest and a content smile on her face, she set about finding the bookstore. 

The return of happiness that she last felt, truly felt, years ago was welcome. It was difficult to control her facial muscles, and it was just strange because all she did was buy some jasmines, but her mind already decided that this was the best day she’d had for a very long time. 

Spotting the store was easy. It was the only shop on the street which displayed numbers of books behind a large window, and it was most likely the only local bookshop in the charming small town. 

The entrance door had an inviting open sign, and Esther stepped in to be greeted by the strong woody smell of countless books. She paused by the door, taking in the organised shelves built upon shelves, immediately being welcomed by the cosy atmosphere along with the lulling sound of an old clock ticking in the background. She had a store that sold books back in her city, but it was nowhere near as inviting as this one. 

Esther wished she had more money on her, she was convinced she could pick a book she’d really like to read, accompany Annie on a rainy day.

She closed the door and squeezed between a couple customers who were browsing the counter in the middle of the shop. She didn’t need to look for the three familiar faces, as Eren’s voice quite easily attracted her attention behind a row of shelves.

“It’s nothing like that at all!” He protested loudly, which gave Esther the impression that he was in an argumentative mood. 

She scoffed as she made her way towards the source, not surprised to find him in a state of annoyance as the combination was a common occurrence.

“He’s embarrassed, Armin.” Mikasa pointed out, her voice comparably lower and calmer than Eren’s. 

“I’m not-!”

“Sorry, Eren, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” Armin interrupted, and Esther spotted them from the end of the aisle just in time to see the blond’s apologising smile.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” Eren scowled, turning away to face the shelves. His sight was blocked by a group of arranged books, and he glared at them without focusing on their titles. Armin was holding one in his hands, presumably to buy on his way out. 

Esther made her way towards them, and Mikasa was the first one to spot her. Her lips parted, and she was about to greet her before Eren prevented it in quite an unfortunate way.

“I just felt bad. She’s always on her own, always picking those stupid flowers. What was I supposed to do? Besides, with what happened on the mountain- Ow! What was that for!?” He yelped when Mikasa stomped on his feet, attempting to prevent him from digging himself a deeper hole.

But it was too late, because Esther was already left standing with blood rushing to her cheeks. 

It was so painfully easy to figure out who he was talking about, and she was so unbearably confused that it plainly upset her. The words he so carelessly spat out were enough to wipe all the vibrant happiness she felt inside and displayed on her face, and she tried incredibly hard not to let go of the pot her arms were squeezing. 

It probably wouldn’t have mattered, because the stupid flowers she bought felt like they were already withering from the shatter they sensed from her chest, and dread oozed through the cracks it left behind.

When Eren turned around and saw her face, all the colour drained from his own along with his irritated frown that was directed at Mikasa. It felt like they were swallowed whole by a bubble where time was frozen and no one knew what to say or to do. 

Even Armin seemed at a loss for words, and he always had something to say no matter the situation. 

“You said you didn’t feel obligated to invite me.” Esther was the one to break the silence, but her voice was so dejected that Eren wished she wouldn’t have talked at all. She looked so crestfallen that he just wished he hadn’t turned around in the first place. 

She could almost feel his panicked thoughts blurred with the mix of immediate regret, it made her own mind foggy and she only wished to disappear from his sight. 

“I didn’t! It’s not- It’s not like that. I-“ His words were jumbled and he seemed to be frustrated with himself to a point where he couldn’t form a proper explanation. 

Esther doubted he had any to begin with.

“I see,” Her gaze was lowered at the floor, the jasmines blocking the view. Sadly, even their existence wasn’t enough to bring her smile back. “I’m going back now. Thank you for inviting me.” 

Because what else was she supposed to do? She experienced enough negligence that at one point she finally understood when she wasn’t wanted. Grasping the painful truth didn’t always mean she was willing to be okay with it and to let go, but in this situation, it was all she could do.

She left without any fuss. It was quiet at the aisle, not like she expected him to stop her, but it was less than what she deeply wished for to happen.

When she left the shop, the clouds felt darker than when she first stepped foot inside. Were they always that gloomy? She couldn’t tell. 

Her steps weren’t hurried as she walked back to the barracks. She wasn’t angry or frustrated, and she couldn’t even find it in herself to be shocked. It was always like that. She was close friends with the knowledge of not being wanted, or not being needed. In fact, it was the only friendship she had formed in the thirteen years of her life. But it never got any easier, and she never gained immunity to the emptiness that followed it. She never got strong enough to fight the sorrow off, and she still wasn’t prepared to hear Eren confess he only felt bad for her. Esther wasn’t stupid. It meant he only felt pity for her and nothing else. Even after he said they were friends, weren’t they? 

She took in a deep, shaky breath when the barracks came into view after a while of silent walking. The smell of her new flowers consoled her a little, letting her know at least they were here. It was alright. It had to be alright. She’d always been on her own, it was alright. What wasn’t right was having the newfound feeling of finally having people she could rely on only for them to rip it from her hands, once again. What broke her heart was being told a lie straight to her face like the simple words they said weren’t treasured by her, again.

༻✿༺

Esther reached her bunk with sullen shoulders and weak hands around her new pot, carrying it with the pout on her lips. The drizzle was still persistent, leaving harmless taps on the window by the bed, and Annie was witnessing it from her usual place with an almost finished book in her hands. 

Esther paused at the sight, an uninvited hesitation creeping up on her. Annie’s hair was loose for a change, her clothes casual like she could go to sleep in any moment. That was her concept of a day off, and that was what Esther should’ve done from the very beginning. 

Annie looked up, Esther’s presence was too insistent for her to keep ignoring. Her half lidded eyes greeted Esther with a deadpan look, one eyebrow was lifted slightly in the form of a question mark. 

Esther’s fingers fidgeted around the ceramic, tapping on it as contemplative thoughts passed by behind her heartbroken eyes. She wondered if Annie thought the same as Eren. She wondered, hoping it wouldn’t be true, if Annie pitied her as well. She wondered if it was the reason why she’d spar with her, why she’d compliment her lavenders, why she’d talk to her from time to time. She suddenly felt stupid for thinking of Annie when she bought the jasmines. 

She carefully placed it on the bedside table without a word. They would get as much sunlight as they wished from their new spot, if there would be any of it any time soon to begin with. 

“Why do you look like a kicked dog?” Annie asked, lowering her book. Her voice was slow and deep, radiating drowsiness as if she had just woken up. It wouldn’t be surprising, since Esther remembered her sleeping form with lips parted before she left for the town.

Esther didn’t answer for a moment. She did feel like a kicked dog, yet she hesitated to talk about it with Annie for said reasons. She also couldn’t handle it if Annie were to tell her that she was exaggerating, because she was very likely to say that. 

“You don’t pity me, do you Annie?” She asked instead in return, and Annie must’ve not expected the question as a frown took over her curiosity. 

“That sounds like a very specific question.” 

“Answer please.” Esther sighed, and it was Annie’s turn to take her time to say something. 

Taking advantage of Esther’s inability to turn to look at her, she took all the time in the world to answer her out-of-nowhere question.

“I don’t have a reason to.” She replied, and it was quiet in tone for reasons Esther couldn’t understand. She didn’t care to figure out the reason, all she cared about was the answer she got. It was what she wanted to hear, just in a different form, and she found it suspicious that she’d get something she wished for so easily.

“You’re not lying, are you?” Esther asked, glancing at her shyly as if poking her with more questions was nerve wracking in itself. 

“What is this about?” Annie asked in return, tilting her head sideways. A calculated look was in her clear eyes as she tried to figure out the reason of the solemn mood of Esther, followed by the equally solemn questions. 

Esther sighed once more, turning back to the window and looking out at the empty field before her. The dark clouds were glowing with the sunlight, which was desperate to make it to the face of earth. It felt like looking into a mirror in the sky.

“Nothing. I just… Sometimes I just feel so tired. And confused.” She murmured, and if Annie was still unable to make sense of her words, she didn’t let it be known. Maybe she could understand, maybe she couldn’t. It didn’t seem important, and what mattered was the fact that she was here and she was listening.

Esther bit down on her bottom lip, some uninvited words lining up to be spilled in the heap of emotional tears gathering in the fountain of her eyes. She looked up to get rid of them, drawing in deep breaths to calm her heart which kept shattering with each beat. 

“I’m not from Ehrmich.” She blurted out, and it was so sudden and unexpected that she couldn’t believe the betrayal of her own mind. 

Why was she saying this now? Why was she admitting her lie right in front of Annie? Why did it feel so relieving to say it out loud, lifting off an immense weight from her crushed chest?

Her body was still during the agonising silence that followed her confession, and she waited for Annie’s confusion filled questions with her back turned to the blonde. The world sounded quieter than usual, and the sky was getting so dark that she just wished this day would be over. She wished she could wake up any moment from this unpleasant dream, never to be mentioned again.

“Is that all?” Annie’s calm voice filled the room, and Esther’s eyes widened. Her reflection on the window was looking back at her in disbelief. 

She turned around to make sure Annie heard what she just said, what she just implied. She’d been lying for over a year. She’d been acting like she belonged to the surface with the rest of the cadets when in reality the only right she had was to yearn for the impossibility of being free. 

Annie, on the other hand, couldn’t care less. She suddenly looked more bored than confused, her voice filled with the need to go back to her book.

“What-? What do you mean is that all? Did you not hear what I just said? I’ve been lying-“

“I know you’re not from Ehrmich. I’m sure everyone knows. You should’ve picked somewhere away from the capital if you wanted to remain unsuspecting.” Annie interrupted, and dread filled Esther’s face. 

Did everyone know? Did Eren know? Was she wrong to be hurt by his words when she’d been lying straight to his face all this time? Armin must’ve figured it out too if Annie was aware of it. Reiner most likely realised it from her unconscious slip up, which was never meant to happen. Did- Did Shadis know? Would he send her back? What if he threw her in jail? What if he-?

“Don’t look so afraid,” Annie interrupted her frantic thoughts, her eyes already back on her book, unfocused. “People have their own problems. No one cares where you’re originally from.” 

“Don’t you care that I lied?” Esther asked, still in disbelief, and still in an unexpected shock. Panicked questions and doubts were still flying from one corner to another in her mind, and she was having trouble coping with Annie’s unbothered reaction at the same time. 

“I don’t. It doesn’t mean anything to me.” She replied, and understanding sank in. 

Annie was a nice company, quiet and cold but familiar to be around. They weren’t the best of friends, they barely had conversations that lasted more than five minutes. Why would she care about what Esther was hiding from her? Eren on the other hand, was someone she called a friend. Maybe there was a barrier between them that she’d build from the cement of her lies and insecurities, but she loved when he was around. She was almost used to the aches his tantrums gave her, and she had trouble dealing with the thought of the absence of every aspect of his, the good and the bad. 

She looked calmer when Annie gave her a second glance. Her doubts were there, but scattered around by the bigger presence of realisation. 

“Do you not want to know where I’m from?” Esther asked, her eyes glazed over as they stared at the wrinkled pillowcase of Annie’s. 

Annie sighed, and lowered her book once again. Her alone time was already disturbed, and sleep was quickly leaving her mind.

“Where are you from?” She played along, her voice not sounding curious at all but when Esther looked into her eyes, she could see the reflection of the window behind her, along with a wondrous glint. She did want to know.

Esther almost gave her a non-smile. She glanced at the drawer where she kept her books, where she kept her family portrait safely tucked away in between the pages when she was away. She opened the drawer, and the suppressed reality of hers was released right before Annie’s watchful eyes that very day.

Chapter Text

Year 840

The alleyways of the Underground City were quiet that day. It was unknown if it was day or nighttime, but it was an hour of mourning. 

A little girl sat under a broken street lamp post, her rag of a skirt picking up the dirt and mud gathered around her. A dead flower pot was knocked over.

“Mama?” Her small hands were shaking the woman’s shoulder, weak but desperate. It was the very same woman who never gave the daughter a time of her worthless day. The woman who hopelessly wanted to get rid of her, but who was the one laying in her own bed of blood instead; with no one but the girl to weep after her. It was the sick and twisted joke of her short life. She died at a young age without ever seeing the light of the sun, the shine of the stars, or feeling the warmth of the paving stones on a hot summer noon. A mocking punchline in the end.

“I will be good, mama, I promise!” The girl wiped her tearful cheeks with the back of her hand, and continued shaking her mother right after. “Please wake up, I’m sorry! I won’t ever do it again!”

She apologized for ever asking for a toy. She apologized for crying each time her mother yelled, and for the times she made her cuss at her. But her mother was unforgiving, and she refused to wake up.

The girl was so small, so fragile. Her hazel eyes were filled with tears, red around the corners. Sunken and tired. Her cheekbones were visible, not a trace of a chubby cheeked healthy child. Her hair was as dark as her mother’s demons, and her dried blood on the stones where she gave her life. In tangles, it reached her waist. Unkempt and uncared for. She was small. Fragile. Weak and sickly looking.

The frail silence was unexpectedly broken. The little girl froze, her fear rendering her motionless. Her ears picked up the sound of iron wires from a distance, anchors attaching to concrete surfaces and rising in volume as it approached her location. She drew near her mother, searched for protection, but her cold body didn’t welcome her. It never did, and it never would.

It stopped as quickly as it started, like it was a mercy she’d never received before. A shadow flew above her and the sound of someone landing behind her caused her dirty nails to dig into the cadaver’s stained sleeves. 

So quiet. The girl wondered if it was just a dream. Just like the bad ones she always woke up from, cold and teary eyed. But her mother was still lifelessly staring at the ceiling of their city, and the uninvited intruder was still behind her. 

She hesitantly turned her head, searching the poorly illuminated alleyway. The flame in the street lamp’s light flickered like it was fighting to survive for another day, and the figure of a man was rendered visible for a short moment. 

Her bottom lip trembled. She wished she could call for help, run to someone and seek protection, but no one answered her pleas even when a knife found its place right into her mother’s heart. Her murderer walked away, not a single fear nor hurry in his steps, and spared the little girl as if it was his twisted way of showing that charity still existed in the Underground. 

The man under the lamp stepped forward, the sound of the metal of his gear following his each step. His raven hair was the first thing the girl noticed. Just like hers, only way shorter and in a much better shape. The free strands touched his forehead, shadowing his eyes which witnessed the horrifying scene in front of him. 

He stood over her crouched body, causing the girl to look up unsurely. The gear that dangled near his hips were unfamiliar to her. On a crossroad of fear and anxiety, she found the curiosity to wonder what it was. She sat there, helpless and hopeless, and wondered who that man was. Why was he watching them? Was he going to hurt her just the same? Why was he carrying those metal boxes? 

“Mama won’t wake up.” She spoke up hesitantly, and noticed the man’s gaze shifting to her. His face was expressionless, and his eyes emotionless. The only reaction he bore was the slight angling upwards of the inner corners of his eyebrows. The sad form was similar to the one on the girl’s face. 

“She’s dead.” He corrected, and cruel as it may sound, it was the truth. 

He was calm and collected enough to confuse her. Even though another tear fell from her eyes, she couldn’t grasp the concept of death. It arrived so suddenly and forcefully. She always thought of it as a bad thing, a scary thing; but this man wasn’t running from it. He approached it, and he greeted it like a familiar face he hadn’t seen in a while, but released a sigh of pity for the girl. She felt helpless, sitting and crying by his feet.

“Do you have a father? Any family members?” He asked. He wasn’t expecting her to say yes, but it was a desperate attempt nonetheless.

“Just me and mama.” She shook her head. It was an inconvenience. 

“Get up,” The man ordered, glancing at the entrance of the alley. Uniformed police officers were frequent visitors of the brothels nearby. “It’s not safe here.”

The girl silently obeyed, stood up on her shaky legs and wiped her teary eyes. She was quite short and malnourished, as expected for a child living in the Underground City. She couldn’t have been older than five. Her stained clothes and dirty knees triggered a twitch on the man’s nose, but it went unaddressed. 

The man turned and headed towards the opposite direction instead of the well-lit entrance. He noticed the lack of footsteps following him. With a glance over his shoulder, he saw the girl’s unmoving form, still loyally standing by her mother. Her expression was sorrowful, and her hands were grabbing the fabric of her skirt skeptically.

“You can’t keep standing there. Come on.” 

The girl glanced at her mother’s empty eyes, asking for permission. Should she trust that stranger and follow him? What if she didn’t? She couldn’t possibly make her way home on her own, not in a state like this. And what if the man with the knife came back? 

“What about mama?” She mumbled, unsure if she was in a position to ask him for a hand of help. 

The man glanced at the body once more. He noticed how the blood on the ground was so still that it wasn’t spreading around anymore. Its smell was repellent, if not more than the scene itself. 

“There are Military Police around. Come on.” It was both a reassurance and an urge, and he kept walking without waiting for her to make up her mind. 

Without a choice and an idea about what else she could do, the girl followed him. The sound of her barefoot against the cobblestones reached his ears, and she had to run a little to catch up to him. Muffled voices of neighbours talking behind their closed doors accompanied them, as well as the darkness of the narrow alleys where light couldn’t reach.

The girl noticed a blue door with a handmade flower ornament, and stopped in her tracks with a gasp. The sway of her hair came to a halt, and the man turned around to see her hurrying down the road to the left. He paused, and looked after her with a frown of doubt. Many people faced the wrath of the city, and suffered the consequences of the lack of decency of being graced with the sunlight at least once, never mind the concept of equality. Kids undeservingly scraped their nails on the wall of sins and immorality their ancestors built, trying to climb and survive. And the man stood there, wondered what he was doing. The girl was a potential criminal, even if not by choice, just like the people he never met. For all he knew, she could be the one who killed that woman and got caught red handed. It wouldn’t be the first time a kid tried to trick him with fake cries for help. 

But the girl stopped, turned around with eyes as wide as they could go, and pointed at something. He followed, wearing a distrustful expression. Oh, how the roles have changed in a split second.

“What?” He reached her, and looked at the spot she was pointing at. A burgundy door, nothing special or extraordinary. The color was slowly fading away, the pieces of wood falling apart. There was a bump at the foot of the door, suspiciously looking like someone tried to kick it in.

“My house.” She informed, as if that was important somehow. She said it was only her and her mother. The house was supposedly empty.

Before he could reply and urge her to keep walking, she sprinted once more and opened the door, only struggling a little to stand on her toes to reach the handle. It wasn’t locked, and the man doubted that there was any key to begin with. 

She left the door open, inviting him in. He had half a mind to tell her not to invite in strangers, but it would’ve been ironic considering their unexpected circumstances. 

He pushed the door slightly more and stepped in, careful and on alert. His hand was twitching to reach for his knife, to feel its familiarity in his palm. But there stood the girl in the middle of the room, welcoming him to her house.

There only seemed to be one door, and considering the two floor beds right behind the girl, it led to the bathroom. The smaller bed was tidy and carefully made, whereas the bigger one reflected the mess her mother seemed to have found herself in. The scarce furniture consisted of a couch with ripped upholstery, a small chest near the beds, a round wooden table and two chairs. The kitchen seemed unused. 

“It’s empty.” He stated, looking at the girl’s expectant eyes.

She hurried to the smaller bed and grabbed a makeshift doll that was resting against the pillow. He noticed two books by her feet. 

She walked back to him and raised the doll, giving him the permission to hold it. It could barely be called a doll. It seemed to be made from white muslin which turned yellow over time, black buttons for eyes, red yarn for the hair and a lot of unorganised stitch marks. He didn’t touch it. 

She lowered her arms, discouraged and back to her shy self once again. With the doll she made with her own hands hugged to her chests, she glanced at his metal boxes. She wanted to ask what they were. 

“I live close by with a friend. He’ll find a place for you,” He explained, eyes examining her living place once again. It must’ve been a long while since it was last cleaned, not to mention the humidity that was causing the paint on the walls to peel off. “Let’s go.”

She wasn’t disobedient, and she was quick to trust. She hurried back to her bed and grabbed the two books before following him out. The door couldn’t even be closed properly as they left, not that it mattered. He doubted there was anything worth stealing. 

༻✿༺

The house he brought her was bigger than hers, and it definitely was in better condition, built in a quieter part of the city. The stranger was lying when he said he lived close by, they walked for quite a while into an area the girl’s never been to before. Not that she ever strayed far from her house, but it was an unknown territory nonetheless. He seemed to be purposefully avoiding certain streets as they walked deeper into the slums.

Their journey was quiet. She didn’t say a word or ask a question once. Her feet were hurting, and she didn’t have much energy left, but she never complained. Her fear of being left by herself in the middle of the city was overbearing. She hugged her books and doll and watched his gear dangle until they reached their destination.

Dried tears on her cheeks and floor rendered dirty by her feet, she soon found herself sitting on a wooden chair that he placed near the door. He watched her carefully from his spot in one of the armchairs. His eyes appeared grey under the weak light of the room, almost unblinking, rendering her nervous and fidgety.

She felt unwelcome, especially after being purposefully placed right next to the exit. Her hands played with the corner of one of her books’ covers. They were resting on her lap, with the doll sitting on top. 

“What happened?” He asked, finally breaking the unbearable silence. What had happened was obvious enough, what he was really wondering was why it had happened. Not that the criminals breathing the same toxic air as them needed any valid excuse.

The girl hung her head, tired eyes focused on her bare feet. Her eyelids were so close to dropping completely.

“A man hurt mama with a knife.” Her answer was obvious and insufficient. Nothing the stranger in front of him couldn’t put together at first sight.

“For money?” 

“No. He didn’t like me.”

The man frowned a bit, confused by the statement. He opened his mouth to ask more questions, interrogate just a little more and find out the exact story, but found himself hesitating. 

“What’s your name?” He asked instead, but didn’t receive an answer.

The girl didn’t seem to be paying attention, her unfocused eyes were glancing at the small storage space where he left his gear.

“Why were you wearing those boxes?” She asked instead. It was getting harder to keep the question in, and she was eager to find an answer. With her lids getting heavier and breathing turning calmer, she missed the man’s knit of brows. 

“I fly with them.” He answered, not sure if she heard.

Her head’s been fighting hard the whole time, but it eventually fell forward. With her eyes now closed and a dream already being generated behind her lids, she looked the most peaceful since he met her.

༻✿༺

The second resident of the flat, a man with dark blond hair and bangs hanging over his forehead, was standing over the couch in his knee-high boots. The sleeves of his simple white shirt were rolled up, and he was holding a sum of money as he examined the stranger on their couch. An unused, grey sheet was placed under her as she slept with hands tucked under her head. Her books and doll were waiting on the chair near the door. 

“I’m surprised you’re not freaking out about the dirt she brought in.” He commented, taking in the little girl’s condition. He suspected the grey sheet was to protect the upholstery, not to provide comfort for her. 

“It’s a work in progress.” The man spoke up from his spot in the kitchen, his hips leaning against the table. He didn’t seem happy about the situation either.

“Why bring her here? I didn’t realize we were running a charity.” The blond approached his flatmate, placing half of the money on the table and pocketing the rest.

The other one wasn’t quick to reach for it. With arms crossed, ever looking closed off, he watched the girl and searched for an answer to his motivation for bringing her into his home. 

There was an orphanage located near the central part of the city. It was one of the biggest buildings under the ground, had lots of space to run around and opportunities to meet kids her age. Their reputation wasn’t the best, but the orphans rarely got the luxury to choose. Why did he not take her there, drop her at the door? 

“She was crying over her mother’s dead body.” He answered, half-lidded eyes falling to the doll on the chair. It was the worst toy-making attempt he’d ever seen. “Furlan, ask the Fischers if they can take her in.”

The blond, Furlan, turned quiet after his friend’s reveal. He wondered if the red spots on her skirt and knees had to do anything with it, and the dried tears staining her cheeks. The answer was obvious. 

“The body?” He asked. 

“There were MPs around.” Was the answer he got, and he didn’t question after that. 

Silence dominated the place for a moment, and the girl’s fist closed around the sheets in her sleep, lips parting and moving with no sound coming out.

“I’ll ask them tomorrow.” Furlan stepped away from the kitchen, only to be stopped by his friend’s displeased tone.

“Tomorrow? Why not now?” He questioned.

“It’s late. Why else?” 

There wasn’t much to argue about. Fischers were a middle-aged couple with a ten-year-old son. The father of the family helped Furlan with leads from time to time to get a cut when they were in need of some money. They lived in the centre of the city, preferring to be closer to the unbearable hustle and bustle of the population instead of living in a dodgy corner. They always had their eyes on the merchants entering and leaving the marketplace, and on their goods. It would take a while to reach there just to ask if they wanted to adopt a stray.

The shorter man with raven hair let out an annoyed sigh, fighting the urge to rub the spot between his eyebrows.

“She needs cleaning.” He murmured, receiving a chuckle from Furlan.

“That she does.” 

༻✿༺

It was the day after when the girl found herself sitting at the round kitchen table, wearing a clean white shirt. The garment was way too big for her, and it naturally adopted the purpose of a dress. Her long hair was shining for the first time in a while, the untangled strands feeling soft and smooth. Without the dirt and blood clinging onto her, Furlan thought she looked like a completely different kid from what he saw the night before. Apparently she had barely visible freckles on her nose and cheeks.

“Hey, brat,” The man that found her called for her attention. He was sitting across from her, holding a teacup from the rim. She lifted her eyes from the cup to his face, her hands folded on her lap. “What’s your name?''

Her eyebrows were furrowed, and she looked up at the ceiling in thought as if that was the first time she got asked about her name. The white paint of the ceiling was stained and some parts were peeled off, but it was nowhere near the messiness of the ceiling at her home. 

“I don’t know.” She answered. 

The man paused, the cup hesitating the moment it touched his lips. 

“You don’t know your own name?” 

“Mama sometimes calls me insolent.” He realized that her unhelpful answers were usually a poor attempt at contributing to the conversation. “Do you have a name?”

He took a sip from his tea, her eyes curiously watching him, and placed it on a cork coaster. 

“Levi.” He answered, and raised a brow when the girl gasped. 

Along with the mixture of surprise and excitement; she jumped down the chair, left the table, and hurried to the books she brought. With one of the books open on the low table, she searched the pages under the confused stare of Levi. 

Stopping at the page she was looking for, her feet eagerly carried her back to the kitchen table. She stood by Levi’s chair, held up her book and pointed at the illustrated flower on the opened page.

“Lily!” She exclaimed, a smile on her face displayed to him for the first time. 

“What? No, it’s Levi.” He corrected, hearing no correlation between the two names. 

She looked confused for a moment, turning the book around and looking at the writings beneath the flower. The word lily was the clearest one her eyes could focus on among the rest. 

“Levi…” She murmured, her index finger underlining the word.

“No, that’s-” Levi released a sigh, not shying away from showing his annoyance. “That’s a lily flower. My name is Levi. They’re different. They’re spelled differently and they sound different. Do you understand?” 

His words didn’t make her feel stupid, regardless of his impatient tone, and she gave him a nod. Her wide eyes were looking up at him, expecting him to explain more with a glint beneath the light browns. He, on the other hand, tapped an impatient finger on the table and wondered when Furlan would be back. 

“Sit down and eat your breakfast.” He instructed, wondering why she didn’t touch the food in the first place. Scrambled eggs and a piece of stale bread had been sitting right in front of her the whole time, with steam rising from the tea he poured for her. 

She obediently sat back down, placing the book on her lap. Grabbing the stainless-steel fork, she eagerly dug into the food, quickly stuffing her mouth full. Levi watched her, his eyes unfocused as the scene stirred an uninvited memory back to existence. 

He blinked, and wondered if she used to wait for her mother’s permission too to start eating, or if it was because he was a complete stranger to her. 

“Does your friend have a name?” She asked with mouth full of bread, the bite she took was way too big for her to chew. Levi barely understood her question.

“Furlan.” He answered. 

She stopped chewing, her cheeks looking fat for the first time, and grabbed the book once again from her lap. Levi looked at the cover that she was holding up, a questioning look in her eyes. How to Spot a Flower?

“No, that’s flower. His name is Furlan,” He explained, and she took a moment to stare at the word, memorising the sound of it. “Do you know how to read?” 

She gave him a nod, which he didn’t believe wholeheartedly. 

“Is lily the only word you can read?” He made his question clearer, and for some reason she decided to think for more than five seconds before answering.

“Yes.” She managed to talk after swallowing. Unbelievable.

༻✿༺

Furlan came back late in the morning from the Fischers, shoulders slouched as if the news he brought were weighing them down. He found the girl sitting across from Levi, the two of them having their second cup of tea. He was baffled to see her attempting to hold the cup from the rims, trying to copy Levi’s way of drinking. She wasn’t successful at it, the cup was shaking and the liquid inside touched her fingers, almost spilling out.

“Furlan,” Levi greeted. “What did they say?”

Furlan, holding a set of folded clothing with a pair of old shoes on top, shrugged.

“Paul said they don’t have any space nor money to take the responsibility. But he gave me his son’s old clothes.” He held up the items.

It was better than nothing, but not for Levi. He averted his eyes, looking annoyed and disappointed.

“I’ll take her to Halo.” Furlan was quick to suggest a solution, placing the clothes on the armrest of the couch. 

Levi looked thoughtful. Halo Children’s Home was the name of the building he thought about taking her to before discarding the idea. It held an ironic name that fit poorly to its notorious conditions. 

“Did you ask anyone else?” He formed a hopeless question, already knowing the answer but somehow biding himself more time.

“I don’t think anyone wants to adopt a stray, Levi. Not in this city.” Furlan said from his spot near the entrance. He was already prepared to leave with the stray in question. She was quietly sitting on her chair, eyes cast down and hands playing with the buttons of her borrowed shirt. Her tea went cold.

“I see.” Levi put down his own cup, sitting straight. “I’ll take her there.”

༻✿༺

Regardless of the circumstances, the girl loved her new, and first, shoes. The pair was used and slightly covered in dirt, but comfortable and it was nearly a perfect fit. Carrying the only belongings she had, her books and doll in her arms once again, she almost tripped and slammed face down onto the ground while trying to admire the shoes on her feet.

“Keep up.” Levi called, leading the way. He had hands in his pockets, narrow eyes cast down and hidden by his undercut curtain.

“Levi!” She called, pausing on the spot and making him do the same. He looked over his shoulder, watching her lean sideways to look at her stretched out leg. “How do you like my new shoes?” 

Levi glanced at the turnshoes, noting the faded colour and the rip at the nose of the left shoe. There was a stain of mud on both heels. The pale brown colour matched her new pants and grey shirt. The cold tones fit her no more than she fit in their forgotten city. 

“They’re alright,” He commented before turning back around, continuing on walking. 

The girl’s eyes beamed as she ran after him, feeling the hardness of the outsole with its clicking sound against the cobblestones ringing in her ears. 

“Thank you, I love them.” 

Levi raised a brow, catching sight of her as she reached his side. 

“You should’ve thanked Furlan. He brought them.” 

“You’re right. I’ll thank him the next time I see him!” Her optimistic words didn’t seem suitable for the situation she was in. They were headed to an orphanage, where she’d probably wait to be adopted for years before getting kicked out. The steps that carried Levi closer to the building didn’t feel right, but making a choice was a luxury they couldn’t afford. 

He didn’t make a comment, and led her through the preferable lone alleys in silence. 

Reaching the entrance of the orphanage didn’t feel like an achievement. They stood side by side, taking in the big old building. It was four stories high, and the girl could swear she’d never seen a building with that many windows before. Levi noticed a few of them were covered shut with wooden planks, the ones that were open displayed torn down curtains. The inhospitable building looked down on them, on her as if she was a prey to be devoured once she set foot in the place. The door had iron letters placed on top, spelling the name of the orphanage with a few parts missing, forgotten never to be replaced.

She grabbed her belongings tighter. Her short lived happiness was gone and a gut feeling begged her not to go in there.

“Go on.” Levi broke the silence. There were no irritating noises of children playing, or any sight of a child at all. Not that he expected to see it, but the absence was unnerving. 

The girl looked up at him, unsure and hesitant. It felt like words lined up in her mouth, wanting to form desperate sentences or maybe a few thank yous, but nothing came out. Her lips were tied shut, and her feet were glued to the ground. She didn’t want to go, and he knew. 

“It’s better than rotting on the streets.” He attempted to make her see reason, but his words weren’t comforting at all.

Why can’t I stay with you? The question didn’t leave her mouth. She looked down in defeat before taking a step forward, her doll made from an old fabric being her only companion through it all. 

No goodbyes were said between them, nor any words of sentiments. They'd known each other for less than twenty four hours, and he didn’t want her. He was only a stranger passing by, lending her a hand on his way out. She didn’t have the right to take it personally and to feel upset, but she was only a child who could barely grasp the reality of her mother’s death. 

She was suddenly all alone in the whole world, and it was too big of a fact for her little hands to grasp. She needed someone, but all she had was an old matron taking her in with an inhospitable frown.

༻✿༺

Two days passed since Levi left her to spend her days waiting. Waiting to get adopted, waiting to leave, waiting to live. He watched from a distance, careful not to get spotted until she safely entered the building. He made a detour and visited the alley where he found her to make sure that the body of her mother wasn’t left there to rot until someone complained about the smell.

He stood next to the broken pot. The body was gone, and the red stain on the cobblestones was the only evidence of his meeting with the nameless girl. 

Two days passed since he was haunted by his own treacherous thoughts about how he was no different than the stuck-up nobles above ground. He found her in a bad state and picked her up just to throw her into a not so different hell hole, like the citizens of the Walls abandoning them in the Underground, condemning them to a lifetime of suffering. 

“It’s the best we could do.” Furlan told him after he returned, and even he knew it was a lie.

Two days passed, and suddenly there was a knock on their door in the middle of the night. Levi, always the night owl, stiffened in his chair. His hand reached for his trusty knife, not taking any chances even though the knocks on the door sounded weak. 

With the knife ready and hidden behind him, he turned the handle and expected a force to push it open, but it didn’t move. Because the intruder wasn’t a drunken thug or a member of some recklessly greedy gang, but the girl who he didn’t expect to see at his doorstep in the middle of the night. 

She stood right in front of him, hugging her only belongings, and wearing a tired expression. Her midnight hair was loose and in tangles once again, but being irritated by the mess on her head wasn’t Levi’s priority.

“What are you doing here?” He frowned, peeking his head out the doorway to check the area. It was quiet and empty except for the child’s presence.

“I wanna sleep on your couch.” Was her answer, and her answers never satisfied any of his questions, nor made sense in the given circumstances.

“How did you manage to leave? And how did you find the way?” He questioned, not moving from his spot. With him blocking the door, the girl’s heart pounded with doubts that he might send her away. 

“I left through the front door, and I memorised the way. I almost got lost a few times though.” She answered truthfully, and watched him fight the urge to pinch the spot between his furrowed brows. His narrow eyes examined the additional dirt on her shoes, she must’ve carelessly stepped over a pool of water and muddied them. 

He stepped aside to let her in, only after making her take the shoes off. 

“What are you doing here?” He asked once again, insistent. She placed her belongings on the low table, watching his expressionless face to catch an objection to her action. There was none.

“I wanna sleep-”

“Why?” 

She paused, her now empty hands playing with the hem of her shirt.

“I don’t like it there.” Her answer was simple enough, and it needed no more elaboration, yet Levi still wondered what exactly made her come back to him. 

He sat down on the armchair, the light of the room dim. He had the shadows of dark strands on his forehead hiding his eyes, making it even more difficult for her to see through his lowered gaze. He placed his knife next to her books, her body freezing for a moment. She had the vision of blood splattering flash before her eyes, and the cry of her mother rang in her ears. 

“What makes you think this place is any better?” He asked, making her blink and desperately try to get rid of the mental image. 

She remembered sleeping soundlessly the day Levi brought her into his home, and she remembered the cold drops running down her nape when she woke up at the orphanage, the artificial feeling of falling from high making her heart pound. The bed was even harder than her makeshift one at home, and one of the girls was talking in her sleep. Her murmurs were irritating to a point where she’d still have trouble going back to sleep even if it wasn’t for her haunting nightmares.

She leaned against the couch behind her, feeling the soft cushions supporting her waist. 

“You talk to me.” She answered simply, and the slight widening of his eyes would’ve signalled that he was taken aback, if he hadn’t covered it in a split second. 

“So you couldn’t find any friends, is that it?” 

“They were being mean.” She shrugged, a frown appearing on her young face as she remembered being pushed by one of the bigger girls on her first day. The hit she received from the edge of the bookshelf still painful on her back, and the harsh contact of her fists present on her shoulders. She was afraid to approach anyone else. 

Levi didn’t ask any further questions and didn’t attempt to give her a word of advice on making friends. Who was he to express an opinion on that? He didn’t know any better himself, after all. So he stood up, grabbed his knife and headed back to his room under her watchful eyes. 

Pausing by the door, head hung low, he addressed her sullenly, “You don’t have a choice.”

༻✿༺

He woke her up early in the morning, shaking the curled up figure on his couch. Her doll was resting in her arms, and she had trouble opening her eyes. The smell of tea came to the rescue and helped Levi stir her awake.

When Furlan stepped out of his room, he thought he was still dreaming upon noticing the girl sitting at the kitchen table in the very same clothes he brought her. They had wrinkles on them now, and her hair looked newly brushed.

“What–“

“She ran away,” Levi answered before his friend could form a sentence through his slacked jaw. He was standing by the window, shoulder against the wall, examining their surroundings. Familiar neighbour kids were hanging out by their front doors, an elderly man was sitting on a rickety chair with his daily newspaper. The woman who worked at a tailor’s would leave her house for work in a few minutes. Nothing seemed suspicious enough to alarm him. He didn’t expect anyone to come looking for her anyway, but being cautious never cost him anything. “I’m going to take her back.”

“Furlan!” She exclaimed, surprising both men. Her unsteady fingers let go of the rim of the cup, and she turned to him with a grateful smile. “Thank you for bringing me new shoes! I love them.” 

Furlan, not expecting gratitude, couldn’t choose from the short list of replies he could come up with. He looked at Levi, but his back was turned. He didn’t meet his eyes, and turned back to the window instead. A door opened down the street, and a middle aged woman with a tight bun appeared, carrying a tote bag as she followed the path to her shop.

“Uh, of course. You’re welcome.” Furlan watched the smile on her face grow, and felt a weak pull at the corner of his own lips. He joined her at the table, and asked her how the orphanage was. She visibly turned quiet after that, not talking much after replying with a simple I don’t like it there.

Both men gave her silence as a reply. They knew better than to give her words of encouragement with a touch of it’ll get better.

༻✿༺

The second time Levi left her at the door of the orphanage, he didn’t feel any better than the first time. The nagging feeling of regret was pulling at his conscience, and it made him gnaw at Furlan, forcing him to ask around and find a carer for her. He said he was keeping an eye open, but he didn’t know any benevolent families; and that even if he did, people could barely afford to look after themselves, let alone an orphan. It was an impossible task, and they had to accept it. She wasn’t the only kid going through a similar fate.

The war in Levi’s mind turned out to be a short-lived one before it got interrupted, because she showed up at their door the night after, once again carrying her books and her doll like she wasn’t going to take them back come the morning. 

“You can’t keep doing this.” Levi put a pillow on the couch, immediately receiving a genuine thank you from her.

“Anna is being mean to me, and Marie says I look stupid carrying around my books when I can’t even read them.” She explained, deeming it enough reason to walk around the city in the middle of the night just to reach his place, walking past all kinds of dangers lurking in the secluded alleyways on the way.

“Then why do you listen to them?” Levi frowned. She was being picked on, and he was already far from feeling proud of his decisions. 

“They say it to my face.” She looked down at her hands that were resting on her lap. With her slouched shoulders, she looked sadder than the previous night he saw her.

He stood above her by the couch, his thoughtful eyes cast down as the dim light put a soft glow on her face. She seemed to gain a little color on her cheeks, even if it was barely noticeable. Her hair needed brushing again, not to mention washing. Her tired eyes could benefit from a good night’s sleep.

“Don’t pay attention.” Was all the advice Levi could give to a five… maybe six-year-old child. It was not his concern. Anything that was related to her should be none of his problem. He didn’t need it, and he didn’t have the patience nor the required responsibility to look after her. There was no point thinking over the what ifs. She had no other choice but to learn to forget the road to his place.

He turned around to leave, cutting their quiet conversation short and giving her a hint that he was not there to listen to her troubles. He had enough of his own.

“Good night, Levi.” She said before he could shut his door, making him pause. He could’ve turned around and glanced at her, taking in her mess of hair and small hands folded timidly on her lap. Clothes that didn’t belong to her, shoes that she never got to pick for herself, and eyes that were so lost and desperate to make her come to him over and over again, risking the dangers of the night. A nameless guilt, his very own regret. 

He stayed silent, and closed the door. Sleep never poked him that night, which was expected. The dawn passed, and the smell of tea woke the girl up to another morning without a single ray of sun. Furlan wasn’t as surprised to see her again, and his expression was indicating that he was expectant of it. He sat down next to Levi on the couch, whose eyes were dull grey under their poorly illuminated living space, staring at her books on the low table. 

“I know what you’re thinking.” Furlan sighed, keeping his voice low. 

“What’s that?” An illustration of various flowers stared back at him from the cover of the book on top. Why was she taking them with her everywhere? Why flowers? They were not common in the Underground, not live ones anyway. They would perish quicker than the weaklings of the population, barely living with their surroundings covered by dumpsters. 

“We can’t take care of her.” Furlan looked at him, waiting for a reaction or a pittance of emotion. It was no surprise that Levi didn’t show any, nor moved a muscle to meet his eyes.

“I never said we could.” 

“Just because you don’t say it doesn’t mean you’re not thinking it,” Furlan pointed out. “We can barely look after ourselves. Not to mention–“

“I’m taking her back after breakfast.” Levi interrupted him, already aware of the valid reasons he was about to present. He’d been using them as excuses to justify the path he kept taking towards the orphanage, with the girl by his side. 

And taking her to the orphanage he did, as promised, just for her to come back each night. She brought her books, her doll and different stories about different kids she’d been observing. Different scenarios of her getting pushed around by bigger and meaner girls for her to complain about.

One night, when Levi had had enough of listening about Marie’s attempts at taking her books by force, she called his name and made him pause by the door of his bedroom. Her hands reached for the second book that always went unmentioned, compared to her book of flowers. 

“I love the drawings in this book but I can’t read the story. Marie says there’s a princess in it, I think that’s why she always wants to take it from me. Will you read it to me?” She asked, her eyes gleaming with hope and excitement. Curiosity rendered her bold and forward. Her small hands held up the book with the illustration of a long haired figure on the cover. 

Levi almost scoffed at her demand.

“No. Don’t get any ideas.” And he was gone. The door was shut, and the girl was left to sit on the couch by herself.

Her grip around the book got weaker, and she dropped it on her lap with a disappointed sigh. The refusal made her lips take the shape of a pout, and she consoled herself by going through the pages and looking at the drawings. She memorised all of them; the one with the princess sitting on grass with her people, the one with her standing tall before the monsters, the one with her dark hair flowing through the whole page, and everything before and after that.

When she came back the next night, she looked crestfallen. Her arms were protectively hugging the books, one of them showing a number of torn pages sticking out. She could barely look up into his eyes, and her hands were grabbing the books so tightly that her fingers trembled, tips turning white and the redness of the force almost reaching her knuckles.

“I don’t like it there.” She murmured on the couch, bottom lip quivering and arms never letting go of her belongings. Not even when she fell asleep with her head resting on the armrest in an uncomfortable angle. She did not want to fall asleep that quickly, even though tons of weights were pulling her little frame down. Levi’s metal boxes were peeking out from the storage room, she noticed them as soon as the door opened wider to let her in. Where’d you fly off to? She wanted to ask. Her lids got heavier, as did her tongue. She let the question go. 

Levi noticed the familiar drawing of a girl on the cover of the book with the torn pages. Her back turned and a hand delicately holding her temple, the side profile showing her eyes closed. 

The girl was quiet that night. She didn’t tell him what happened, she didn’t utter a word about that girl Marie. Levi wondered if there was anything worth reading left in the book, or if there was a point in carrying it around anymore. 

He grabbed the door handle to his room, the hinges generating a creak and stirring her half awake.

“Levi.” She called, her voice so meek and quiet. The sweetness of unconsciousness tried to pull her back with all its force. 

Levi looked over his shoulder, anything that might slip into his expression was hidden by his collar up and undercut. It seemed like an insistent recurrence of each night. She loved adding one more thing before a good night, anything to make Levi halt and keep listening.

She angled her face up, trying to see him through her already lowering lids.

“Please don’t send me back.” She managed to say before sleep took over once again, pulling her down and silencing the imminent pleads. And Levi was left alone, drowning in regret for pausing to listen to her. Lost and cornered into a territory where he didn’t feel comfortable, where a caged animal walked in circles behind his narrow eyes. 

He closed his door to another sleepless night. Another recurrence.

“I’ll take her back.” Levi said in the morning, immediately noticing the looks Furlan was sending his way. 

The girl sat at the kitchen table, not showing any hunger for the scarce food nor eagerness for Levi’s tea. Her legs dangled off the edge of her seat, torn pages of her book digging into her skin, and her eyes cast down. It was just a book. She had to get over it, and grow up from her childish sensitivity fast. Otherwise the city would eat her alive, showing no mercy nor crumbs of pity.

“Doesn’t matter. She’ll come back again.” Furlan replied, pointing out the pit Levi was digging each time he let her in. 

He looked down and let the shadow of his hair hide his thoughtful eyes. His hands carefully worked on cleaning his knife from unnecessary fingerprints, and his ears were trying to pick the sound of fork hitting the porcelain plate, which belonged to a set of four Furlan once managed to steal from an unsuspecting merchant. Pale pink roses were decorating the edges. It was ugly, and not what Levi would’ve preferred. It also seemed like a pathetic attempt at fixing the frown on the girl’s face, but all it did was help create a scowl of his own. No sound of cutlery reached his ears, and he lifted his head with determination.

“You take her, then.” He suggested, surprising Furlan. 

“I thought you wanted me to scout the area near the new marketplace before the job.”

“I’ll do it.” Levi stood up, leaving no room for questions or arguments. 

Furlan seemed confused, yet he kept quiet. The look in his eyes showed acceptance, and Levi knew his friend thought it would be better this way. The girl was getting attached to him, and Levi was making an attempt to put a stop to it for the first time. It was long overdue, in Furlan’s opinion. 

“Hey, brat,” Levi called for the girl’s attention. She looked up, eyes uncharacteristically empty. “If you’re not going to eat anything, there’s no point in sitting there. It’s time to go.”

Her shoulders stiffened, and she took a moment to sit at the table for a little while longer. A short moment to stay in the two men’s presence, at the kitchen where the smell of Levi’s tea eased her mind and the roses on her plate brightened up her little world. Where no one tugged on her hair and took her book by force, tearing the pages because she yelled at them. Where no one made her cry by her mother’s corpse. 

But there was someone, standing in the middle of the room, staring at her expectantly. He broke her barely built walls, and she reluctantly stood up, secured her belongings in her cage-like arms and walked up to him. 

She waited silently for him to lead her out, already knowing their morning routine by memory, but this was like no other morning. It was Furlan who stood up with a half-hearted smile. It was Furlan who opened the door for her, while Levi stood still with a knife in one hand and a white rag in another. It had a golden embroidery of a small dove on one corner. Her heart beat a little faster against her chest. 

“Are you not walking with me?” She looked up at him with wide eyes and worry written all over her face. 

“No.” Levi answered curtly. 

She didn’t want that answer. She liked Furlan, and she couldn’t thank him enough for her new clothes and shoes, but why did Levi not want to walk with her? Worry tugged at her chest, and she felt anxious that it was her own fault for always coming uninvited. She was so insolent, constantly invading and bothering. He did not want her, nor did Furlan. They took her away from their home each time she showed up. The choice was made for her. She was to be raised alone, with no mother nor the stranger who came to her rescue to help her further in life. Her place was at the orphanage. She just didn’t want to accept it.

So she lowered her gaze, and walked out obediently. No goodbyes. No nothing. 

But Furlan was wrong. She didn’t come back. Not that night, nor the night after. 

Levi fixed himself some tea at the quietest time of the night. He sat on the couch, placed his cup on the low table and settled with watching the steam rise before disappearing into thin air. His hands were intertwined on his lap, and his ears seemed to be awaiting a knock on the door. His eyes kept shifting towards the window with curtains drawn. 

It was a quiet night. Yet his mind was trashing up the place, slamming into walls built with worry and regret. Regret. He regretted letting Furlan walk her back. He regretted not reading her the damn book before it was torn to pieces. He regretted ever playing a part in her short, unfortunate life. 

When the door remained untouched on the third night, Levi took off with his gear before Furlan could wake up and reassure him. The orphanage is the best place for her right now. Just because she didn’t come back doesn’t mean something bad has happened.

But Levi wasn’t stupid, nor blind. He could see the worry in Furlan’s eyes clear as day. He would say just because she didn’t show up doesn’t mean she’s in trouble, but then rest his head in the palm of his hand and stare at the roses on his plate with a frown. It’s best that she decided not to come back, he’d voice his opinion, and then almost mess up their mission to steal the envelope of money from a visiting noble because they were flying nearby the orphanage. And seeing his slip ups were the last straw for Levi, because he had nothing and no one to ground him with half hearted reassurances anymore.

So he flew, and he let the metal wings carry him over the path they took for the orphanage. His pace was fast, and his movements were agile as if he weighed nothing. The force of air pushed his hair back, and revealed his sharp eyes examining the city below. It was early in the morning, and the streets were vacant. Not a single soul was emptying a bucket of water in front of their door in a pathetic attempt to clean their entrance. MPs weren’t around, nor were any self-proclaimed-officer thugs. Working girls were gone from the alley entrances. It was the quietest time of the day, and his inspecting gaze couldn’t spot the familiar little girl with books and a doll in her arms. The thought of her never setting foot out of the orphanage seemed surprising, and her getting caught up in a dangerous situation on her way to him seemed too realistic for his liking.

He returned empty handed with slouched shoulders. Furlan was awake, sitting at the kitchen table with the newspaper open in front of him. His eyes were looking through it.

“Did you find her, then?” He asked, knowing him better than to assume he was gone for a stroll up in the nonexistent clouds.

“No.” Levi answered honestly, and placed his gear back in its place. He was almost out of gas. It was stupid of him to go out recklessly, flying over the city with no clear goal in his mind. 

“You know, I always wondered why you took her back each morning when she clearly knows the way.” Furlan mentioned before taking a sip from his tea. In the papers were written of a fight breaking out near the 11th Staircase. It wasn’t uncommon. His eyes skimmed the words without paying attention to the context.

Levi paused, eyes on his friend and hands helplessly hanging by his sides. Why, indeed? She proved she could find her way around each time she showed up at their doorstep, during nighttime nonetheless, yet she couldn’t be left alone come the morning. Maybe he was making sure she made it to the orphanage safely. Maybe he was trying to ease his talkative, annoying conscience by tricking his mind into thinking he was doing the right thing. Why did it matter? 

“I’m almost out of gas. We need to replenish.” He said instead, shutting down the subject. Furlan didn’t seem to be expecting an honest answer anyway.

The next time Levi was out, he was on foot, and his destination was the abandoned four walls that the girl once called a home. Showing up at the orphanage and asking to see her was out of the question. It would create unnecessary confusion and give her mixed signals, if she was even there. 

He recognised the worn off burgundy door as soon as his eyes landed on it. It still carried the souvenir of a kick mark on its wood, and it was left ajar for anyone to freely peek inside. He distinctly remembered the girl shutting it close. He approached the door apprehensively, fingers twitching, restless to feel the safety of his knife. It was like reliving that night over again, except he wasn’t being invited this time.

The door made a creaking sound as he slowly pushed it open wider. The abandoned place looked almost the same, but not familiar enough to make him drop his guard. It was trashed, the kitchen cabinets were carelessly left open, exposing the empty shelves inside. The chest near the beds was lifted open yet Levi doubted there was anything left inside. The girl’s once carefully made bed was now unkempt, the sheets scattered around, indicating that it’d been used. There were two empty beer bottles near the pillows. 

Levi inspected the scene before him, eyes tired and empty. She never came back. 

He shut the door and left. It became slightly ajar after he stepped away. It was an uncanny feeling, suffering from the nuisance of worry for someone he didn’t even know the name of. A little kid. Was she actually at the orphanage? Could he finally let her go, knowing that at least she’d get to grow up, no matter how harsh the environment was going to treat her? What was she–

“What are you doing here?” The words left his mouth in a haze. He didn’t realise what he was saying or looking at until the clouds in his mind cleared, revealing the sight he’d been searching for the last few days. 

It was her. Her mess of a black hair, reaching her waist, and her new shoes looking older and dirtier than ever. Her doll with marks and imperfections, and her books with one of them losing the feature to be read. They were sitting on the ground by her side, her arms hugging her bent knees, and her small face resting on top of them. Covered in dirt, losing all the little bits of colour it gained over her visits. A bruise on her lip, and a stain of blood still on her chin. She almost looked just like the version when he first found her.

Levi found himself kneeling before her, a frown on his face and strain on his shoulders. The sight was unexpected, so was the peace of mind he experienced for a short moment. He didn’t fight off the feeling relieving his worry, and fuelling it at the same time.

“Why are you here?” He tried again, not quite waiting for an answer to his first question. 

She seemed as surprised as him. Her exhausted eyes widened, and her eyebrows shot up.

“Levi!” She exclaimed. Her voice sounded dry, husky.

She didn’t look like she had much energy left, yet her excitement somehow climbed to the surface. When was the last time she drank water? Had food in her stomach? For how long had she been sitting there? And why didn’t she come back? She would be dragging the knowledge of her inescapable return to the orphanage after dawn, but Levi would find a way to get rid of the chain that was attaching it to her ankle. This time he would, and the very same wire cutters would chop off his built up regret and indecisiveness.

The questions and thoughts swimming in his head paused and got tangled up with each other in confusion when the girl held out her palm, showing him a flower with no stem. The round petals were a light pink colour, one of them looked similar to a heart. For a split second Levi wondered why it wasn’t dead and dry yet. 

“Look what I found,” She said, not answering his questions and looking past the worry seeking to escape through the frown on his face. She touched the heart shaped petal, putting all the care and gentleness in her index finger. “It looks just like the one in my book, but I don’t know what it’s called. It was in a pot at someone’s window, and there was a bunch more! I felt bad for separating it from the rest, but I couldn’t resist!”

She remembered the moment her eyes caught sight of the flowers so vividly. It was the first time she ever saw a living flower, the colours so bright and captivating that even the smoke coming from a nearby food stand couldn’t dim them. The petals were so smooth and delicate. She ran her hand through the arrangement of the same type of flowers and felt them tickle her skin. She wanted the whole pot for herself. 

Levi, still on his knees, stared at the flower in her palm. Something in the back of his mind started to wake up, becoming hyper aware of the trash and dirt on the ground. He could hear the sound of cans rattling, the source most likely being a hungry rat. He stood up and watched the look on her face change from wonder to something dimmer. Worry made the light fade away from her eyes.

“Get up.” He said, and blinked at the familiarity of the path he was about to take. The one he already chose. 

She closed her fingers around the flower, and did as he told her. The books and the doll got clutched in her arms.

“You can’t take me back to the orphanage anymore.” She said as Levi started walking. Her steps were replicating his in a much clumsier way.

“Why’s that?” Levi entertained the curiosity, even though the orphanage was in the opposite direction to what they were heading to. 

“Anna caught me sneaking out. I asked her not to tell anyone but she told Marie, and Marie told one of the matrons who said I shouldn’t be occupying their beds and eating their food if I already have a place to go. I told her their food was bad and stinky anyway.”

Levi almost let out the faintest snort that he had the enthusiasm to generate. Almost.

“She said I was ungrateful. She hit me and kicked me out. But it’s true, their food is bad! I’m not ungrateful, because I love your breakfasts!” She completed her story, getting rid of the question mark on the bruise she bore. Her voice gave away the pent up frustration she’d been waiting to let out. The compliment she gave on his cooking went over his head, and he had half a mind to ask who the matron was just so he could keep the name somewhere safe at the back of his mind. 

“When?” He asked, voice as calm as his easy pace. 

The girl thought back to the day Furlan walked her to the poor excuse of an orphanage that resembled more of a prison. The planks on the windows were as restraining as jail bars, she was sure. Some kids talked about a dark and humid room where the naughty ones were sent to. She dreaded it, and she considered herself lucky for being kicked out with a bruise as a souvenir instead of being locked in there. The punishments were severe, no wonder the children were feral in there. She couldn’t blame them, but she refused to understand why anyone would try to throw another under the boulder for no reason.

“After Furlan took me back.” She answered honestly, her eyes cast down as if she was absentmindedly counting the cobblestones. 

That was days ago. In her distracted state, she bumped into Levi’s leg and almost dropped everything upon the impact. 

“Why haven’t you come back?” Levi asked, not budging from his spot. He looked straight ahead where a stray dog was sleeping on the coolness of a puddle of water, his back turned to her. 

She adjusted the position of her possessions. A shrug rattled her shoulders as she glanced at the sleeping animal.

“I wanted to, but you always send me back. I’m bothering you and Furlan.” She answered, as honest as always. An honesty and consideration she didn’t owe him, but offered anyway. She wasn’t obligated to obey his every word and command, yet she chose to never question them. She was naïve and, despite the hardships she went through, she was still inexperienced towards the cruel hands that broke through the brick and stone walls they walked past, trying to grab and slam them with all their force. She was good, and he should never have pushed her into the expectant hands of agony so they could raise her until she was a hollow piece of meat, resembling a human.

Levi found the strength to walk forward. The footsteps rising from her shoes confirmed she was following. They reached the familiar place that Levi and Furlan inhabited, and she took off her shoes before entering without Levi having to tell her. 

Furlan was there to greet them, leaning against a windowsill with curtains drawn to keep away any unwanted attention. A stranger that she’d never seen before was sitting on the couch that she always slept on. He kept his head down, eyes not leaving his red vest. His seemingly curly hair was short, and nothing about his appearance indicated that he was trouble. Maybe except for the fresh cuts and bruises near his cheekbones, but that was a familiar sight around these parts of town, and she was in no place to judge.

“Ah, there she is. You’ve found her.” Furlan wore a pleasant expression, his lips turning into a faint smile before a frown took notice of the bruise on her lip. 

“So I have. Who’s this?” Levi questioned, examining the man on his couch. He awkwardly shifted under Levi’s unbreakable gaze.

“Yan, the new one I told you about. Yan, this is Levi. He might look intimidating at first but you’ll get used to him.” Furlan introduced, and as Levi scoffed at his poor attempt at an introduction, the girl stood silently by the door. Her arms were getting tired and her knees weren’t coping well either. Exhaustion made her feel cold down to her bones, her stomach protested in desperate need of food, and she fought hard not to sway on her feet. Yet, all she wanted to do at that moment was to take a step forward and introduce herself, because Furlan didn’t. 

Before she could execute her plan, however, the stranger named Yan noticed her.

“She doesn’t look well.” He commented, and the last thing she could remember was Levi kneeling before her, his face blurry and frown almost hidden from her restricted sight. 

A firm hand grabbed her shoulder, her pronounced clavicle digging into his palm. She couldn’t pay much attention, sleep was just so sweetly beckoning her over. It felt like relief, how her already weak guard finally crumbled as soon as she stepped in, and her brain decided it was time to rest. The sound of her books dropping sealed the door to her consciousness. After a horrible few days that felt like months, finally. 

༻✿༺

It was late in the night when she opened her eyes. Everything was silent and the room was dark. She could faintly hear someone singing drunkenly far away in the streets. The wooden casement on the exterior were closed and it was thanks to the lights insistently leaking through the cracks that she could make out her surroundings. Her head felt heavy and she could barely blink without feeling the need to never open her eyes again. She was so hungry yet she doubted she could keep anything down. 

Rubbing her eyes to push the sweet lullaby of unconsciousness away, she let her bare feet touch the cold ground. Her recent memories were a little bit hazy. Where was her flower? Her palms were empty. 

She walked to the door that Levi always disappeared behind. Faint warm light was visible from the threshold. Three weak knocks were heard before approaching footsteps made themselves known, and the door creaked open to reveal a sleepless Levi.

One hand resting against the jamb of the door for support and the other still rubbing her eye, she looked up apologetically.

“I fell asleep.” She said, remembering the stranger on the couch and how she couldn’t introduce herself. Not that she had a name of her own, but that was still rude of her.

“I’m well aware.” Levi walked out of the room and towards the kitchen after opening the shutters slightly to let enough light in. He opened the cabinets in search of some food for the girl. 

With sleep slowly abandoning her, she noticed her scarce belongings on the low table. Two books and a doll.

“Where’s my flower?” She asked as Levi put a pack of biscuits on the table. The teapot was already getting warm. 

Levi spared a glance for her before walking towards the window. She watched him grab something from the sill and hand it to her. It was a pearl white porcelain teacup with a broken handle that her small hands wrapped around. It was filled with damp soil and her flower rested on top of it with half of the sepals buried underneath. 

“It was Furlan’s idea.” Levi felt the need to explain. And a stupid one at that, he wanted to add but decided to keep the unnecessary commentary to himself.

“Will it grow bigger?” She asked, eyes as wide as they could go in her newly woken state and excitement leaking from her voice.

“No. I don’t think it will live long either.” Levi crushed her short lived hope, yet she didn’t let go of her little makeshift pot even after sitting down at the kitchen table. The biscuits weren’t as tasty as Levi’s breakfasts which mainly consisted of scrambled eggs, but she didn’t complain. She needed to eat and dipping them into Levi’s tea didn’t taste half bad.

“It’s called Impatiens. Apparently they can grow under heavy shade, must be why it’s still alive.” Levi read from her book that she forced into his hands. The short information was more than enough for him to close the book and place it on the table. 

“Oh! Maybe they’re so impatient to wait for the sun that they grow without it!” She attempted to make a connection, only for Levi to take a sip from his own tea with an unimpressed look in his eyes.

“It’s Impatiens, not impatient.” He corrected, but noticed from her lost expression that she wasn’t making much sense of it. 

“They’re so impatiens to wait, then.” She tried again, crumbs of the biscuit in her full mouth fell on the table. Levi couldn’t understand if it was her pathetic attempt at a joke or if she was serious, and trying to figure it out was mildly infuriating.

“Don’t talk while eating. You’re making a mess.” He decided to say, not dwelling on the subject. 

She obediently shut her mouth and ate in silence while Levi accompanied her with his steaming tea. It was quiet for a while, occasional chewing noises and the teacup touching the coaster breaking the silence. Levi seemed content enough with the lack of dialogue, but it was wishful thinking that it would last.

“Levi.” She swallowed the last bite, feeling fullness in her stomach, yet still being aware of the need to eat more. She refrained from asking for another pack, or for a new plate with a whole dish. 

The opening he put between the shutters wasn’t too wide, and the room was poorly illuminated. His eyes almost looked black, she tapped her fingers on the rims of her little cup-turned-pot under his gaze.

“Where will I go?” She asked, unsure.

Levi didn’t need to think before answering, as thinking was all he’d been doing since she appeared in his life, but he did. And the girl was lost to the thoughts and possible answers that passed through his mind behind his emotionless narrow eyes. His thoughtful silence rendered her uncomfortable and anxious. She wished she could go back to her home and find her mama there. She wished all she had to deal with was her mama’s angry tantrums. She wished growing up wouldn’t knock on her door this early, and force her to face the world alone.

Alone. She wished she wasn’t alone. 

“Where do you want to go?” Levi finally responded only to ask a question of his own. It was a question disguised as an answer that she didn’t expect, and she didn’t really need to think of a response. Yet, she did. 

Levi, despite his impatience with her slow and intricate thinking process, waited silently. Eyes barely blinking and the empty teacup sitting there as a bystander. She wanted to go back home, before it was made unrecognisable. She also wanted to stay at Levi and Furlan’s home, and she wanted to find out what was above the 11th Staircase.

“I want to go upstairs to see the sky.” She answered in the end, and it was more comprehensive than what Levi expected to hear. It was no surprise she wanted to walk up the stairs, and see the world above. After all, he and Furlan have been fighting for that same glimmer of hope with all they had left, no matter how distant the concept of citizenship seemed. But as of the moment, it was an impossible wish and it didn’t answer Levi’s question at all.

“Don’t be absurd. I meant now.” He clarified, and her wide-eyed expression dimmed a little. 

Now, how could she answer that? Why was he even asking? He had to know that she didn’t want to go back to the orphanage, she told him countless times. He knew she had nowhere else to go, otherwise she wouldn’t end up at his doorstep each night. I want to stay here, she so desperately wished to say. She felt safe, surrounded by the clean furniture and the smell of the tea that warmed up her heart. It was natural, and it was instinctive. But she knew she was being a burden to him, to Furlan. They would send her away again, what she wanted didn’t matter. And it was confusing enough to put a frown on her face as she tried to think of an answer. Why did he even bring her back here? 

“You take too long. Where?” Levi insisted, his impatience slowly reaching its limit. 

“I don’t have any place to go.” She shrugged, unsuccessful at her attempt to find any other answer than I want to stay here, please don’t send me away.

“You never really answer my questions, you know that?” Levi looked down with a sigh, dissatisfaction on his face. She was confused about the reply, and her lips were tied shut to prevent herself from saying something irrelevant once more as he stood up to clean the table. 

“Go back to sleep, if you can,” He said afterwards, ready to head back into his room. With hands around her pot and head hanging low, she prepared herself to go back to the couch for a night she’d spend watching the ceiling. Her shoulders were slouched with the dread of the certainty that she’d be sent away in the morning, but his next words sent a jolt through her body and made her head shoot up in surprise. “Tomorrow you’ll learn how to keep the place clean. If you want to stay here, you’ll listen to me and do as I say.”

Think and decide until the morning, he thought of adding, but the shine in her eyes and the gap between her smiling lips pushed the words back down. By the look of her joyful face despite the physical and mental exhaustion, there wouldn’t be any thinking on the matter.

She felt it, the tightening of her fingers around the cup and the stiffness on her cheeks from the growing smile. She felt the increase of her excited heartbeat and an emotion she could only describe as happiness spread around her chest. Relief was etched into her bones, and she considered the possibility of dreaming.

But even after Levi was gone and hidden behind his door, his voice remained. A loop sounding like a lullaby in her mind, keeping her awake through the whole night until her brain couldn’t take it anymore, and the fatigue of continuous thinking and overbearing relief put her back to sleep. 

Chapter Text

Year 840

“Levi!” She burst through the door and ran down the stone stairs as soon as the sound of their iron wires reached her ears through the ajar window. 

Levi utilised his ODM gear with ease, attaching the anchors to pull himself forward as if the movements came naturally to his already capable body. He slowed down after one final burst, felt the pressure of the push on his lower back and spotted the running figure of the girl from the air. He let himself fall until he skillfully landed on one knee in front of her. Furlan followed him not long after, both of them displaying the damp hair strands that were sticking to their foreheads. Levi wouldn’t give anything away, dusting off his pants like it was a regular chore, but Furlan’s light expression indicated a job well done. Her already high spirits were lifted upon the untroubled mood they carried. 

“I cleaned the whole kitchen! I even started with the living room but I got so tired I had to take a break!” She announced proudly, a white bandana, courtesy of Levi, hanging around her neck. She barely took advantage of its purpose, hating the way it restricted her breathing. It was more of an accessory that she happily wore, accepting it as a gift from the man who had the reflection of a saviour in her bright eyes. 

Wisps of black hair had escaped from her messy bun, and her clothes were in creases. Tips of her fingers were wrinkled from the liquid soap, giving away her negligence of using gloves. Levi took in her sorry appearance with an unimpressed expression, and his reaction to the state of the kitchen wasn’t any different.

“You call this cleaning?” He ran his finger on the counter, collecting the faint existence of bread crumbs from the morning. It was displeasing that she thought the scarce particles were acceptable. There was a giant room for improvement in her technique, and no room to question the verdict.

“I couldn’t reach the counter.” She replied, deeming her reasoning valid enough. It seemed rehearsed, like she’d been waiting to blurt it out as soon as Levi commented on it. 

The said man did nothing but blink, waiting for a better excuse to come out. An excuse worthy enough for him to at least bother to come up with a counter argument. Disappointingly enough, she did nothing but stare back.

“I think she did a great job. Look, the low table is shining.” Furlan commented, examining the said furniture with a hand on his waist. The gears were hanging from his hips, and his chest was still rising quicker than normal as he tried to catch his breath. 

“That’s because it’s the only thing she cleaned.” Levi spared a simple glance at the low table before deeming the examination worthless. The table was indeed clean, the wooden surface still damp, but the post cleaning state of the rest of the place was unacceptable, and she clearly had so much to learn from him. Her age and body mass didn’t seem relevant for his consideration.

“Good job, kid.” Furlan complimented, giving her head a pat. He ignored the disapproval radiating from Levi, and put a proud smile on her doubtful face instead.

She stayed back and watched them untangle the gear straps from their bodies. It was a process that progressively got familiar each time she witnessed it, yet she still reacted with the same curiosity at the sight of them attaching a pair of metal boxes to their hips so they could fly anywhere they wanted to go, and taking their wings off when they arrived home. The concept seemed unreal, and the invention was probably the best thing she’d ever known in her short life. She wished they’d let her use it. She wished she could fly like them, expertly and freely. She would reach the skies and lay on the puffy clouds, race the birds until they reached the sun before it set, and walk on a rainbow that she’d only heard from a bedtime story from one of the older girls. 

The first time she requested to use the gear, however, was the last time she asked about it for a long time. With Furlan’s support and agreement, Levi immediately shut it down, using her weak and small body as an excuse. Not to mention the tiring weight of the canisters, and her lack of discipline. She was obedient, but she didn’t have enough judgement to make the right decisions for herself. No matter how rational his reasons were, she wouldn’t stop dreaming about the idea of carrying their weight. They were feathers adapted in real life, in metal form, no matter how different they looked from the angelic ones in her torn storybook.

“Why don’t you fly out of here? You can go anywhere you like and no one can catch you.” She sat down on the couch, playing with the hem of her shirt. The seat cushions barely dipped under her weight. The furniture was now her permanent bed, and she couldn’t deny that it was an upgrade from her previous one, and the one at home. 

“I wish it was that simple.” Furlan answered, letting out a quiet sigh that added the weight of truth to his words. Levi would wish the same, just climbing up and being free to live amongst the people of the above without having to worry about being sent back, but it was currently impossible and dreaming of the unimaginable was nothing but a waste of time. A burden on his undesirable reality. 

“Did anyone come while we were gone?” He asked to change the subject. His equipment was tucked away alongside Furlan’s, and he noted the girl’s lingering gaze on the handle as he closed the door. 

“No. And even if they did, I wouldn’t open the door.” She answered, reciting their usual departure warning. Don’t ever open the door to anyone but us. 

Levi paused on his way to the kitchen, glancing down at her with suspicion. She didn’t avert her eyes for an impressive five seconds, yet her poor ability to maintain eye contact had no importance whatsoever, because everyone in the room witnessed her barging through the door only a moment ago. 

“Tch. You’re full of shit.” He concluded his short evaluation, and reached the kitchen under her bemused wide eyes and Furlan’s amused grin.

༻✿༺

It was a few uneventful days later that the residents of the small flat realised something was missing. 

The clock was ticking towards her bedtime, the time when her eyelids would fall without warning at the kitchen table as she eagerly listened to Furlan and Levi exchange the stories of the recent jobs they had. Stories that mostly included events that they took notice of but couldn’t pay enough attention to due to the Military Police on their tail. 

Well, exchange was a brave word. It would be Furlan doing the talking, the girl doing the asking and Levi taking the part of the quiet listener. The tales of their past missions or even their first meeting weren’t always happy or funny, but they were all they had to offer, and she was more than willing to hear them, because they were all she had as well. Furlan trying to recruit Levi before even attempting to befriend him, and countless memories of violence and betrayal, flavoured with mischief to cover the bad taste they left behind. Her first bedtime stories, lulling her to sleep. 

Once dreams took a hold of her, she’d have to be carried to the couch only to wake up in the morning and wonder if she was sleepwalking. Her insignificant dreams and reawakening nightmares would leave her mind soon after she’d spotted Levi at the kitchen table, already sending her a look of boredom, requesting her to stop asking about the same thing each morning. 

Tonight seemed to head in that direction as well, before Furlan cut his story short with a realisation.

“You still don’t have a name.” He pointed out, which seemed to attract Levi’s attention. His fingers loosely wrapped around the handkerchief in his hand, his focus on the conversation at the table. 

The girl brightened up, getting excited to finally be able to share a story of her own.

“Anna asked my name when I first went to Halo and I told her I didn’t have one. She thought I was lying because apparently it’s impossible. But it’s true, I really don’t have one. Mama never told me.”

Levi was tired of hearing about either of those two kids she never shut up about even though she disliked them. But to her, they were also the first people her age that she got to interact with, and she preferred talking about her bullies to talking about her deceased mother or her murderer, in the shape of her biggest demon. She never seemed to have an answer anyway, for she always got quiet when Levi asked if she knew anything about the man who killed her mother. His face was etched into her nightmares, and the way his emotionless eyes were revealed as he tipped his hat back, almost as if he was giving her a mocking farewell, or the way his knife glistened with blood in his palm. Why was she thinking about him now? Why couldn’t she erase him from her mind and replace it with a pleasant memory?

She blinked as Levi placed his own knife on the table, done with his routine cleaning. It was spotless, she could see her own reflection on it.

“Well, you’re the proof that it is possible, aren’t you? But you still need a name. Have you ever thought of one?” Furlan asked, sending the girl into a trance of intense thinking. 

The two men waited in silence, giving her time to come up with something. It was her first opportunity to make a decision for herself, and live with it for the rest of her life. Sitting at the table under the dim light with the shutters closed almost completely, and the smell of Levi’s late night tea persistent, she was given the chance to choose. The taste of an objective was sweet on her tongue.

“What about flower?” She suggested, responding to the eyes looking at her. She couldn’t think of anything that interested her more than flowers. The Impatiens she found was now unfortunately dead and dry, its leaves faded and crumbled. She was heartbroken to have to say goodbye, but Levi said she could tuck it in her book as a little keepsake. Its final resting place was between the pages of its own breed, and she hopelessly wished to fill every page with a corresponding flower since then.

“Flower is not a name.” Levi said, and the first idea was discarded just like that.

“Some people are named after flowers, though. Like Lily, or Rose.” Furlan contributed with his own suggestions, yet they didn’t evoke any positive response either.

“But Lily is Levi’s name.” She said unsurely, while Levi objected with his own argument, which wasn’t any more convincing.

“Rose is the name of a wall.” He said in the most unhelpful way, managing to earn himself the same confused stare as the girl. 

“So?”

“Have you seen the walls?” She asked, talking over Furlan. Her curious eyes were now directed at Levi, and she seemed to forget about the important decision she had to make. Her easily distracted mind yearned to cling onto each new thought and conversation she could share with them. 

“No. Besides, there are plenty of walls here.” Levi answered. 

The mood was bound to be affected by the way Levi somehow pulled the subject to their involuntary imprisonment underground. It was a topic that would make Furlan either stay silent or try to come up with an optimistic encouragement of how they’d leave the Underground City one day, for good. Fortunately, they had a child at the table, who carried an immense curiosity about the world she knew nothing of. A fresh perspective was imminent.

“But I heard they’re supposed to be so high that no one can see where they end!”

“I thought you wanted to see the sky. Why are you excited about the walls?” Levi questioned with a frown. 

“Because I’ve never seen them,” She answered, a sudden sadness and helplessness sinking on her shoulders, bringing the weight of unfairness. “I want to see it all. I live here too. I was-“

A shiver ran past her nape, and she paused involuntarily. The silence of the room seemed to become too much. A voice in her head was revolting against the invisible chains around her ankles keeping her from seeing, feeling, being. She had the urge to look over her shoulder, a prominent voice in her head helped her finish the sentence, and the uneasiness was eased away by the warmth surrounding her heart.

“I was born into this world too. It’s not fair.” She finished, sending a short and hesitant side-eyed glance at the bare wall, her head lowered.

With both men’s eyes on her, she pointed her stare down at the table. The sullen look on her face was so sudden. Drops from her tea were staining the table surface. She discreetly put her empty cup over it, trying to hide it from Levi’s inspecting eyes. An unsuccessful attempt which went unaddressed.

“Don’t worry. You will see the sky, and the walls. Once we have enough, we’ll-“

“Furlan.” Levi interrupted with a warning undertone. The blond paused, and even though Levi looked as stern as he always did, the message was easy to read through his half lidded eyes. Don’t promise her anything.

And even though Furlan understood, and bowed his head in silent agreement, the girl was oblivious. She was too caught up on his usage of we, and her heart fluttered, making her unaware of their wordless interaction and forgetful of Furlan’s unfinished sentence. They allowed her to stay with them, they listened to her and talked to her, they included her and thought of her. It was a strange awareness of her own existence, knowing that she actually existed in someone else’s life and mind. She clung to it with what little strength she had, and it was a remarkable effort on her part. 

“Well, enough about that. We were discussing names.” Furlan brought back the previous topic with a lighthearted voice, tapping his fingers on the tabletop as he tried to get rid of the gloomy air.

She parted her lips, but no words were lined up on her tongue. She didn’t know which name to take. She didn’t even know that many names in general. One of her old neighbours was named Anastasia, but she always thought it was an unnecessarily long and a hard to pronounce name. Anna and Marie would never be an option. Her mother was called Feray. The personality of the mother she saw throughout the years wasn’t close to her own, and she didn’t want to carry it on. She didn’t feel like the name belonged to her at all. It was a tough decision and she didn’t feel equipped to make one.

“I- I don’t know. I have to think.” She frowned with eyes focused on her empty cup. Levi grabbed his knife with a sigh, distracting her immediately and drawing her attention to the deadly weapon in his hand. 

“She’ll decide in time. There’s no rush.” His words were a bedtime call underneath, and even she could pick it up. Him standing up only made it clearer, and the two sitting figures followed him soon after, both of them feeling the tiredness kick in once their feet touched the ground under their weight. 

“What about Impatiens?” She asked while pulling the covers to her chest, watching Levi move around in the room, closing the shutters completely and blocking the street light. 

Furlan had already retreated to his room with a good night during his mid-yawn, and it was a matter of time before she’d fall asleep as well. A single candle on the low table was lighting up her features with a warm glow, before its time was up.

“Don’t be stupid. That would be a ridiculous name.” Levi didn’t shy away from voicing his honest opinion, and the girl huffed in defeat. 

Her head rested on the pillow and her eyes were absentmindedly staring at the ceiling. He slowed his steps down while walking towards his room. An urge to open his mouth made itself known, forming an uncomfortable barrier in his throat. You’ll find one, don’t worry. But the room was silent. A drunk man was out again, singing about the memory of his losses with barely understandable words.

He walked into his room, and closed the door after himself, blocking every unneeded thought out with the girl.

༻✿༺

Time seemed to pass faster when one was spending it with a chest full of happiness. She realised it quickly, but still way later than she should have for someone her age. 

The comforting smell of warm pastries with honey and jam overwhelmed her nostrils. Furlan brought a small box full of them, plentiful for the three of them to share. He said a kind noble gifted the box to him, which meant it was stolen. 

She didn’t care where it came from or how. The taste of the small pies and buns were mouthwatering, otherworldly and nothing like she’d ever tasted before. Her stomach was full to the brim, her hands were covered in crumbs and her teeth were busy chewing her last bite. She was so happy she could cry. 

“Don’t forget to breathe.” Levi reminded, watching her closely while holding a half eaten honey bun between his two fingers. 

“Furlan, thank you so much! These are delirious!” She exclaimed, ignoring the dark haired man to her right. 

“Delicious.” The said man corrected.

Furlan leaned back with a content grin, checking the rare contents of the almost empty box.

“I’m sure I’ll come across many more generous men.” Who are inattentive and stupid enough to get robbed of anything.

“Who was it this time?” Levi asked, taking a smaller bite from his bun compared to the girl with lack of table manners next to him. A napkin rested on his lap to collect the fallen crumbs.

“I didn’t find out his name, but he was new. A young one. He was visiting a…” Furlan’s description was interrupted by the glance he stole from the oblivious girl. “He was visiting a lady.”

The untied red bow near the pastry box was enough explanation on its own. 

“What is this?” She grabbed a cookie with a sweet red ingredient on top of it, considering eating one more before her stomach protested. 

“It’s strawberry jam.” Furlan answered, grabbing one of the last ones for himself. The crumbs fell onto his vest, and Levi dutifully acknowledged them. 

“I think it’s my favorite food.” The girl announced, popping it into her mouth. It wasn’t a bold statement, considering the short list of food she’d ever tasted. Levi’s simple breakfast of scrambled eggs was a close second.

“Strawberry jam is not a food.” Levi corrected.

“Yes, it is. Anything you can eat is food.” Her words sounded like an imaginary language, barely making any sense with the cookie blocking the movements of her tongue as she happily munched it.

“That sounds like a faulty logic.” Furlan jumped in, receiving an eye roll from Levi, which he thought was undeserved.

“She’s a child, Furlan.” 

Furlan opened his mouth, only to be interrupted by the said child as she swallowed her bite in hurry and quickly protested Levi’s statement.

“I’m actually five years old.” Her hazel eyes looked up at Levi with such confidence. The dull lighting of the place wasn’t doing any justice to her eye colour. It was a mystery and a trap for one’s curiosity of how they would look under the bright sunlight. Would the faint green specks look more dominant? Would they turn into a light brown, warm as honey? 

Levi looked down at his half eaten bun, a frown on his face and burdening thoughts on his mind, haunting answers weighing down his shoulders. 

Would she ever get to see the sunlight? Would they ever make it out? So she was five years old. He had no right or place to have a say in her life, yet he dragged her into a path for the second time without explaining the uncertainty of their situation to her, and the dead end he’d found himself in. Was this really a choice he wouldn’t regret in the future? Sitting on the couch and watching her eat pastries without knowing what terrors the future might bring? Why was he still pondering over a decision he already made?

“Careful, you don’t wanna grow up too fast.” Furlan warned with a fond smile pulling up the corners of his lips. He sure got used to her presence, and accepted the fact that she was now a part of their miserable lives. All because Levi heard her helpless cries, and decided to investigate. 

“I do. I want to grow up and fly with you two.” Her dreamy voice made Levi send her a sideways glance, his head slightly hanging low. 

Their ODM gear were locked away from her sight and reach, yet her mind seemed to never detach itself from the illegal equipment. He wondered if she was already aware of the dangers it brought, both physical and in general. Like a package deal, the gear came with hypocritical Military Police officers loyally following them and showing up at almost all of their jobs with the hopes of getting close to them so they could taste the short lived hope of catching them. He somehow didn’t like the idea of the girl being chased by them, getting her wires cut and being detained. It was the path he dragged her into, yet he didn’t want her to face the consequences nor act as a witness to it.

Levi’s answer to her wishful statement was silence, and Furlan wasn’t any different. Both of their pastries were forgotten in their hands. The girl didn’t seem to mind, as she was already in her dreamland full of impossible possibilities. It surprisingly painted a portrait similar to the one she was already in, only adding more colours to fuel the desire of her reality. 

༻✿༺

The day she chose her name was the day she witnessed the violent boiling of Levi’s blood for the first time, accompanied by the cold as steel eyes of Furlan. It was a mere second that turned them into yet another pair of strangers she struggled to recognize for a moment, and she felt the rise of her shoulders and the instinctive need to bury her face into her bandana. A helpless attempt to find safety. 

She was asking them questions. Why was it forbidden to live above ground? What were the clouds like? What was their favorite flower? Levi complimented her now dried Impatiens, admitting it looked nice. She felt the muscles on her cheeks strain with a wide smile, and his face remained the same, a contradictory deadpan look which was the complete opposite of hers. Furlan said red roses were beautiful, he said he saw loads of them when he once managed to collect enough money to visit a marketplace within Wall Sina years ago. It was the moment when she felt her heart leap in excitement, and questions lined up on her tongue about his visit, about the roses and the marketplace. About everything. 

And then, there was an unexpected knock on the door. The room was suddenly rendered silent. The calm grin on Furlan’s face was erased, leaving its place to a concentrated frown.

“Are you expecting someone?” Levi asked rhetorically, his eyes locked on the door. 

“No.” Furlan answered. Levi was already on his feet, hand reaching for his waistband for his trusty knife. 

They heard another set of knocks, each one getting more rapid and forceful. Furlan stood up without wasting time, and closed the gap between him and the door barricading them in. Neither of them took notice of the girl covering against the wall, visibly turned uncomfortable by the uneasy behaviour of the two men. She wondered why they appeared so agitated. She wondered who was behind the door, and why she was afraid to find out. What if it was the man in her nightmares, reimagined as the demon from her memories? There was no way he could hurt Levi and Furlan, and it would be impossible for him to reach her. Supposedly. 

Furlan reached for the handle, Levi discreetly held the knife behind his back, and the girl didn’t want him to open the door. Yet he did, and it was an eerie silence that followed after. The knocks were gone, the wooden door wasn’t being rattled anymore, and she could see the indicative form of a man standing with his fist raised, ready to knock again. His dark brown hair was noticeable, and his eyes appeared hostilely black, caused by the almost nonexistent light under the threshold. She noticed Levi’s fingers tightening around the knife, and her clean reflection stared back with anxiety etched into her wide eyes.

“Carlos.” Furlan greeted, his voice not indicating any signs of friendliness or hospitality. She couldn’t see Furlan’s face, yet it was clear that the intruder wasn’t welcome, and the certainty of it made her even more nervous to be in the stranger’s presence. Her only consolation was that he wasn’t who she saw under the shadows during the nighttime. 

“Furlan. Levi. I feel like you two take longer to open the door each time I come by.” The stranger greeted back, staring at them respectively and not hiding the venom in his voice. It was chilling and the sound of his hoarse throat was unbearable to listen to. His eyes were clearer as he lifted his head, light reaching and illuminating his pale blue, almost colourless eyes, and he presented a scraggly beard in desperate need of a trim. The slash wound on his cheek made him look even more unapproachable. 

“Why are you here?” Levi cut to the point and asked. 

The girl shifted a little, and took notice of his worn out shoes displaying a layer of fresh mud. She hoped he wouldn’t attempt to step in with those on, only to render Levi angry enough to make use of his weapon.

“Don’t break my heart. I thought we were partners.” He didn’t sound heartbroken at all.

“Partner is a bold word. You worked for us once.” Furlan corrected, not fighting the condescending look taking over his face.

“And failed.” Levi added. 

The intruder named Carlos placed his hand below the top hinges of the door, leaning his weight against the wooden frame. Furlan’s eyes carefully followed it under the unfriendly stare of his old supposed partner. His fist tightened around the handle.

“I didn’t fail, you just needed an excuse to pay me less. I need the money I’m owed.” He leaned forward, attempting to radiate intimidation. His utmost best only had an effect on the little girl at the back, watching it all unfold from behind Levi. 

“You gotta be kidding me.” A short, barely audible laugh left Furlan’s mouth, yet it was anything but amused. The girl noticed the daggers that Carlos was throwing at Furlan, and she swallowed nervously, not liking how close they were. Her mama only got stabbed because she was standing too close to her murderer, talking in hushed voices in secrecy. She didn’t even have time to step away before death clasped her into its inescapable claws.

But Furlan wasn’t like her mama. He suddenly shut the door with enough force to make the hinges come loose and the neighbours uncomfortable by the noise, if it wasn’t for Carlos’ fingers getting caught up in between. 

The pained shout that left the man’s throat pulled a gasp from the girl, and she found herself leaning back against the wall with a flinch.

“You got the amount you deserved. Leave.” Furlan let the door open on its own, and watched Carlos cradle his now injured hand. His pale blue eyes were wide in shock, and his jaw was clenched, crooked teeth displayed by his snarl. 

He hunched over in pain, and his healthy fingers curled into a raged fist. And then, he noticed the small figure watching him with hands unconsciously clenching her own shirt. It was a brief moment of silence, and realisation. A chance for him to recover from the pain of his possibly broken fingers and grasp the presence of the child before an out of place laugh pierced the room and confused everyone.

“So you’re making those no-good-for-anything brats work now, I can’t believe it. You must’ve run out of men to play.” He cackled, which suspiciously seemed like his attempt at dissipating the pain he was feeling instead of pitifully shouting. 

He watched the girl’s eyes widen by being acknowledged and addressed, but the sight was blocked before he could talk to her directly. Levi stepped into view, and made no further attempts to hide his knife. The strands of his undercut fell onto his face, rendering his cold gaze even more vicious by dropping uneven shadows.

“I always thought you were a slimy leech. Get lost before I relieve you of your broken fingers.” He threatened, voice as calm and collected as ever as he looked down at the ex-associate. It didn’t require a genius to know that one had to be in a really bad position if Levi was physically looking down at them, and Carlos didn’t seem to like his odds. He rose up from his hunched state and squared his shoulders.

“I’m not going anywhere before you give me my money. I almost got caught because of you bastards!” Carlos stood his ground, not seeming to worry much about being outnumbered.  

“You must have a death wish.” Levi glared, and the man on the receiving end looked too aggravated to listen to logic and back down. He was drunk on anger. 

He stepped forward with a snarl, and Levi’s eyes watched his muddy shoes leave a print on the freshly cleaned floorboards. 

“What are you going to do? Swing around your knife like a little b-” He started, but his little act of bravery was cut short like his sentence, and he saw the blood colouring his sight before he even felt the burn of the open gash on his cheek, right where his old scar was. 

The silence that followed it was way too short for him to figure out what exactly happened, or for anyone to do or say anything. Levi moved like a flash of apparition in his view, and the knife that cut his cheek nailed his injured hand to the door frame, pulling out another shout from him. A punch to the stomach caused the loud volume to cease briefly as he got the wind knocked out of him, and a knee to the face as he hunched over in pain rendered him motionless. His hand stayed pinned to the frame, and his body hung limply from it like a piece of ragged fabric. Levi’s forceful blows painfully widened the cut on his hand. Blood leaked from the wound he reopened, and the drops staining the floor managed to fuel his frustration. He pulled out his knife and kicked Carlos’ hardly recovering body out.

“Show up here again and I’ll make sure you don’t recognize your own face. I’d probably be doing you a favour, though.” Levi spat, already reaching for his handkerchief to clean the blood from his knife before it dried. 

No other words were said, and there was no need for further threats. The warning was clear as Furlan shut the door and locked him out. 

It was quiet, a peaceful silence even. The sounds of Carlos’ pained groans and furious curses that left his mouth faded into nothing as he disappeared with his tail tucked between his legs, promises of making them pay echoed for a short while. Furlan rested a forehead against the door, sombre expression on his face as he made sure that he left the premises.

“He’s going to be a problem.” He acknowledged with a sigh. 

Levi didn’t respond at first. His attention was on his knife, and the white cloth that was getting smudged with redness. He had the look of calmness, and not the disheveled state that someone who beat a man to a pulp would display.

“I know.” Levi admitted, and even then, his composure seemed unbreakable. 

But right then and there, as if he just remembered the girl’s presence, he paused the movements of his hand and looked over his shoulder. She hadn’t moved from her spot, and her wide eyes stared back at him in what he expected to be fear. He would understand if she was frightened by him, and he could live with it, yet he hadn’t imagined to meet with wonder. 

Her shoulders dropped in relief, her invisible bubble of safety forming back now that the stranger was gone and the door was shut. She closed her lips that were recently parted in awe. Levi seemed to appear taller in her point of view, and she felt the presence of faint ache on her nape as she looked up at him, motionless.

None of them knew what to say, and nothing except silent looks were exchanged. Levi hid the brief widening of his eyes well, unlike the girl who struggled to conceal her admiration. She felt silly for worrying about a big bad monster when Levi and Furlan were present. The building was slightly worn down, and the neighbourhood wasn’t exactly safe, yet it was the safest place she’d ever been. The door kept the danger away, the shutters protected them from any creeping onlookers, and she had nothing to worry about as long as she had Levi and Furlan by her side.

And she made sure not to let herself be bothered by the events of the afternoon, and she was mildly successful until nighttime. The couch which served as her bed was placed near the door, and sleep seemed to be waiting on the other side of it, knowing she wouldn’t dare to open the door and let it inside. It was unclear what else might slither in, or who.

Her frail arms hugged around her doll in an attempt to find comfort. It used to at least have a tiny bit of positive effect, but all she could think of that night was that if he were to come back, she’d be directly in danger’s narrow path. 

She closed her eyes, saw the way his pale irises stared back at her and almost made her blood freeze in her veins. She opened her eyes and involuntarily watched the door, aware of the mark Levi’s knife created on the frame. The weak light illuminating the neighbourhood leaked under the door, and she half expected a shadow of Carlos to seal it. Anxiety built up the longer she waited for an appearance that would never come. 

The light coming under Levi’s door, on the other hand, was considerably more inviting and appealing. She sat up, her loose hair following her movements, dancing around her shoulders and creating a curtain around her face, concealing the outside world as her eyes stared at the doll on her lap. A soundless sleep seemed so far away from her reach, and she made sure to treasure it any time she could grasp onto it. Not tonight. It was always something keeping her from sleeping, and if she could sleep, there would surely be a big bad man waiting to give her nightmares, wake her up in tears gathered in her eyes. It was always a big bad man. 

And when it wasn’t, she’d wake up falling, legs jerking with a start.

She stood up, letting her feet touch the cold hard ground. Sleep hugged her ankles, dragging behind her as she approached Levi’s door. The exhaustion was mocking, beckoning her in only to deny her the relief of unconsciousness. 

Three knocks made Levi open his door, and she wondered if he was feeling the same as her. Did he have nightmares as well that scared him so much he cried? Were there men playing demons in his head as well, following him to the ends of the night?

“I can’t sleep.” She murmured before he could say anything. It was, once again, an obvious statement that didn’t mean much to him.

“Count to one hundred.” Levi suggested.

“I can only count to ten. One, two, th-”

“Then do it ten more times.” He interrupted, and deemed his recommendation helpful enough before closing the door. 

The soft glow of his oil lamp was gone, and she was left alone with arms around her doll. She didn’t want to be alone. She wanted to knock on his door again, but the voice in her head was too cautious. Don’t bother Levi. Furlan is already asleep, don’t knock on his door. Count to ten.

She went back to her couch, the pitter-patter of her steps leaving the vicinity of Levi’s door. Laying on her side with her doll resting against her chest, she started counting.

“One, two, three, four, fi-” The distant sound of a bottle breaking interrupted her, which was followed by the familiar voice of the drunk man singing. The disturbance still startled her nonetheless, and her fingers tightened around her makeshift doll.

“Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.” Her eyelids refused to drop, and she didn’t feel like succumbing to sleep. So she counted again, and again before the creaking of a door stopped her. Faint light invaded the room and she looked up, hope blooming in her chest at the sight of Levi’s shadow-like figure blocking the doorway.

“I didn’t say do it out loud,” He complained, and if she wasn’t lying down, her shoulders would’ve dropped in defeat. 

“I’m sorry.” Her apology wasn’t followed by forgiveness, or a warning for her not to do it again. Instead, Levi left his door slightly ajar and made his way to the kitchen. 

The girl’s movements were being controlled by relief, and she found herself immediately sitting up as soon as Levi placed two cups on the counter. She waited patiently on her spot, listened to the clank of cups and boiling of water, the tea being poured down and the last of their scarce sugars being dropped in. The earthy smell of it was calming, and she could taste the sweetness of it as Levi placed her cup on the low table, an extra sugar generously added for her.

She didn’t touch it right away, waiting for it to go from hot to lukewarm while Levi sat by her feet in front of her. His head was slightly hanging low, and the cup that he held by the rim rested on his knee. The room was only illuminated by the candle on the table and the light leaking from Levi’s cracked open door, but she could still make out the smoke rising from his cup and outlining the dark strands touching his temples before disappearing. 

“You would sleep better if you got rid of that creepy doll,” He commented, sending the monstrosity sitting on her lap a side glance.

Her fingers tightened around it protectively. 

“She’s not creepy,” She defended.

The doll was her companion for when she needed someone else’s presence. She also served as a protector, because somehow, nothing could get to her as long as she held on tight enough and squeezed her eyes shut. 

“I’ve seen better looking rats.” Levi took a sip from his tea, and took notice of her offended frown from his peripheral vision. 

She looked down at her doll and tried to see what he always complained about. The eyes that stared back at her were empty and dead, and the stitch work wasn’t perfect, but she wasn’t ugly nor creepy. The red yarn of hair wasn’t plain black like hers. She wore a dress as well, another thing the girl currently did not have.

“Do ladies above ground wear pretty dresses?” She asked; the question was completely unrelated and senseless to Levi’s ears.

“I guess.” He shrugged and answered anyway, before taking another sip from his tea. “They have a shit ton of money.”

“Do you need a shit ton of money to go up the stairs?” 

“Language,” He warned ironically before adding, “Yes.”

He answered honestly, but didn’t mention how the price tag of the stairs’ access was continuously being raised and how it never ceased. It was like a cruel joke, the more money they got the more they needed. 

“When you and Furlan go up there, can I come with you too?” She asked, her fingers nervously combing the doll’s yarn of a hair. 

She took consolation from the fact that Furlan included her while talking about their plans for the future, but his sentence was interrupted by Levi and she couldn’t get her hopes up just to be cruelly pushed back into the ground. She needed them. She couldn’t be alone. 

Levi sat in silence, and his eyes were distant as thoughts passed by behind them. Guarded, impossible to read thoughts that she wouldn’t be able to understand even if she tried.

“That’s if we go up there.” He replied. Not the affirmative answer she was hoping for, but not a negative response either. 

“I’ll help you. I can work, and we’ll have more money that way, won’t we?” She suggested, getting excited just by the idea of going out on adventures with them. Adventures in disguise of jobs that were more dangerous and riskier than she could grasp yet. She wasn’t big enough to see, and her mind was thinking too broad and unrealistic for the confined space of their city. 

“You can’t work.” Levi shut down the idea as she crossed her legs, leaning forward with newfound enthusiasm.

“Yes, I can! If you teach me-“

“You have no idea what you’re talking about. You can’t even go to sleep out of fear and yet, you want to help us with the jobs.” Levi interrupted. He was always successful at wiping away the all too hopeful smile of hers with comments that she didn’t enjoy at all. 

“You can’t go to sleep either.” She pointed out.

“I can. I choose not to.” 

“Then I choose not to either.” Her reply earned her a well deserved side-eye that wasn’t quite successful in making her back down, despite the insufficient lighting placing shadows in all the right places to render him even more intimidating. 

“Tch. Drink your tea, smartass.” He took a sip from his, and she seemed to remember her cup’s presence just then. 

The tea had gone warm enough for her to drink without burning her tongue. With her fingers clumsily placed on the rim, she took bigger and longer sips than Levi, treating it like water and not knowing how to savour the taste. But if he was displeased by her method of drinking tea, he chose not to comment on it. The pleasant silence was what he preferred, but she didn’t know how to savour that either. 

“Which name do you think I should pick?” She asked. The questions of the intruder named Carlos’ motivations and whereabouts were patiently waiting their turn at the back of her mind, but she wasn’t willing enough to bring them up yet. What if she asked “Will he be back again?” and he answered “Yes.”? What then? Breathing in the bliss of ignorance was easier. 

“Not Impatiens.” Levi answered, and for all his complaints about her pointless remarks, his non-suggestion wasn’t helpful at all either. 

“How about…” She dragged her words, looking up at the ceiling in thought. “How about Cloud?”

“You’re just saying random words now.” Levi sighed, momentarily copying her and looking up as if there was an actual cloud on their ceiling. It was the same old worn out painting job. 

“How did you pick your name?” She asked. It seemed difficult for her to grasp that not everyone chose how they were called, that names were usually given to people, not taken, and she needed guidance for a choice that only concerned her.

“I didn’t.” He answered, and didn’t elaborate. The unhelpful reply made her sigh, and knowing she wouldn’t be able to read anything from his expressionless face except for the fact that he needed a long sleep, she didn’t try. She had the thought of asking Furlan in the morning, who would probably be more helpful than the two of them combined.

“Why do you still carry that thing?” Levi asked, breaking the silence and surprising her, motioning the book with ruined pages on the low table. In truth, it was an attempt to change the subject and she was more than eager to talk about her books. It was an easy bait to a truly curious question. 

“Mama said it was papa’s, I don’t want to throw it away. And some pages are not torn. I’ll read them when I learn how to.” Her reply raised other questions, and Levi seemed to hold himself back for a short while. 

Her life previous to their meeting was unclear except for the fact that she didn’t have a happy one full of love and comfort. Many residents of the city shared a similar upbringing, if not worse.

“You knew your father?” He asked, eyes on the book and the damage it carried. Torn pages trapped between the hardcover with the false hope of keeping the contents intact. 

“No. But…” She trailed off, short nails tapping on her cup. The rest of the cold liquid inside trembled with each blow. She placed it on the low table and reached for her book instead. Her movements were careful, and she paid attention to the placement of her hands to prevent the papers from falling down, raining and spreading all over the floor. “I’d have loved to meet him, but mama said he passed away before I was born.”

She looked at the cover, her mind elsewhere. There was no title of the story, nor an author’s name. The figure of a long haired girl was carefully drawn and painted, it wasn’t pressed. The painting job was seamless, yet the paint itself could peel off if nails were forcefully scratched against it. She always wondered who her father was, what he looked like and how he acted like. It was the most natural thing to feel the eagerness to see him at least once, and the grief she couldn’t really understand had always been there, somewhere deep in her heart. Her mama never talked highly of him, and she often felt guilty for the uncontrollable want to meet him. Her mama would say that everything was his fault, yet the girl couldn’t even understand what fault she was talking about. She wondered if she’d ever find out the contents of her father’s wrongs and the words whispered behind doors, away from her reach. Her hopes were high, yet she struggled to truly believe it.

She blinked when the book disappeared from her grasp, and the surroundings of the dim room brought her back to the present. Levi placed his cup next to hers, and inspected the cover for a short moment before turning to the first page. The handwritten words, charcoal drawings and the occasional smudged ink were no surprise. The whole book and the illustrations within were handmade, not pressed. Levi was doubtful that there were any other copies of the book.

“Look, this is the princess!” The girl exclaimed, leaning towards the open book and pointing at the illustration that covered the left page. A young girl was sitting in a meadow, her dress and long hair sprawled over the grass. Her face carried a gentle smile as people gathered around her seemed to listen to what she had to say. Sun was shining bright above and behind her. There were no colours, and parts of it were drawn quickly, creating a messy piece, but pleasing to look at nonetheless.

“She doesn’t look like a princess.” Levi commented, his eyes not leaving the rags she was wearing. The dress barely covered her legs with its ripped hem. No shoes and a sorry excuse of a sash around her waist. 

“She is, if you turn the page–“ She motioned for him to do as she said, yet Levi sat unmoving. His eyes narrowed even further in concentration as he skimmed the first intact page full of words. He blinked, and wondered if the drunk old man outside their door emitted all the alcohol he consumed to render him as drunk as him, because Levi couldn’t read any of the words except for a few. 

“What is this?” He asked, the words looking like nothing but strange shapes in his eyes. He could spot a few familiar ones, like memories, preach, and the name Esther mentioned more than once. 

“What is what? What does it say?” The girl asked in wonder, leaning even further on Levi’s side to see the page clearly as if she could read any of the words. Levi turned the pages, quickly to see if the rest of it was the same but careful enough to keep even the torn pages intact. 

“It’s in a different language.” He stated, coming back to the first page and not quite understanding why, or how it was written in a completely new alphabet. Was it the ancient language people used before titans pushed them behind the confines of the walls? Even so, how could her father know about it? The book didn’t seem like it was a hundred years old. There was no possible way the painting on the cover would’ve survived, let alone maintain the brand new look.

“A different language?” She asked, confused yet excited. “Which language? Can you read it?”

A sigh left his nostrils, and he leaned back with the book staying open on his lap. The girl couldn’t contain her enthusiastic curiosity that he feared she would jump on his head the more uninformative details he provided. She was already close enough as it is.

“I can’t read it. No one uses whatever this is.” And he watched her smile diminish enough that her lips covered her teeth once more, and she looked down in silence and thought. A book she kept close to herself like it was the biggest treasure in the world, wondering what the story was about, and there Levi was, telling her no one could read it. Telling her the story was not meant for her knowledge, yet it was the only thing her father left her. Why?

“Some words are from our language,” Levi said, finding her grieving over a book insufferable. Her head lifted up as he underlined a word with his finger. “Here, it says memories.”

“Memories…” She repeated quietly, inspecting each letter with care. Her face displayed the disappointment she was feeling inside, yet she still carried the eagerness to learn. Levi could find it admirable at least. Always eager to find out more about anything and everything, never once turning her back to optimism and never leaning on negativity and hopeless heap of thoughts. Not yet, anyway.

“And this here is preach.”

“Preach.” She repeated again, following his finger move over the page. 

“She’s probably preaching to the people around her.” Levi explained, going back to the drawing.

“What does preaching mean?”

“It means she’s teaching them about her beliefs, or laws. Or something else.”

“And what are her beliefs?” 

“I don’t know.” Levi answered truthfully. He didn’t even know if the text was even talking about the illustration itself, or something else entirely. So he moved his finger again and didn’t wait for her to ask another question that he couldn’t answer. 

“This is Esther. It might be her name.” 

“Esther…” She whispered, feeling the word roll from her tongue with ease. She looked back at the drawing, how she looked happy to teach her people about what she believed in while her long hair covered the grass like a blanket. Dark and wavy.

“She looks like me.” She pointed out, looking up at Levi with a smile she was failing to suppress. There was a silent exchange between them as the warm glow of the oil lamp from Levi’s room weakly illuminated their faces. How could happiness be as easy to recognise as seeing herself in a meaningless drawing for her? When everything around them was in irreversible ruins and people died of hunger outside their doors, she looked at him with a sickeningly contagious smile because a drawing resembled her. 

“She does,” Levi averted his eyes when he felt a tug on the corner of his lip, and looked down at the said illustration. “Only, her hair isn’t a ridiculous mess like yours.” 

“It’s because I can’t braid my hair properly yet!” She protested, displaying an offended scowl. 

“Maybe that’s a good thing. Your braids are horrendous.”

“Levi-!”

“I had a nightmare the last time I saw them.” He interrupted and kept his verbal assault coming. 

“Liar! You don’t have nightmares.” She argued, the frown on her face slowly but surely leaving its place to a mischievous grin.

“And how would you know that?” Levi raised a brow.

“Because you choose not to sleep.” She reminded him of his own words, and shut her mouth immediately after to keep her laugh in. The expressionless and not very amused face of Levi somehow fuelled her urge to double over in laughter. 

“It’s time for you to shut up and go back to sleep.” Levi closed the book that provided them with nothing but snarky comments against each other, and placed it back on the low table. 

She watched him stand up and carry their cups to the kitchen, and let out a series of giggles for relief. Levi didn’t go beyond uttering words of annoyance under his breath. Insufferable brat. 

“Levi,” She called after her giggling period was over. He hummed in acknowledgment while washing the cups. “What about Esther? Is it a nice name?” 

Levi put the second cup on the dish rack and turned the water off. He used a short towel to wipe off the water that splashed on the counter. She waited in silence, her bent knees swaying from side to side as impatience started to try and find a way out of her chest. 

“What do you think?” He asked after the cleaning was complete. Leaning against the counter he just wiped, he gave his attention back to her.

“I don’t know. I’ve never heard it before, but it sounds nice.” She shrugged, eager to hear his opinion.

“It is a nice name. Suits you.” He commented, and her lazy movements came to a halt. Her heart leapt in excitement, and the thought of finally finding a name fit for her widened her eyes. 

“Really?” 

“Why would I lie?” Why would he lie, indeed. 

“Oh,” The sound came out in a whisper, she had nothing else to say. Her mind was empty of all the words and thoughts except for joy and relief of owning an actual name. Of not being a nobody anymore. She felt her lips stretch and cheekbones push up against her squinted eyes. “Can I be Esther then?” 

“If you want to.” Levi shrugged, staying further away from her bubble of whatever emotion she was feeling at the moment. He knew she’d exaggerate the situation and multiply the reality by ten, and react to it accordingly. 

“Okay!” She clapped once. “My name is Esther from now on. I can’t wait to tell Furlan! Do you think he’ll like it? I wonder who else is called Esther.” 

A creak of a door somehow managed to fill the room through the girl’s– Esther’s lively chirping. Furlan’s disheveled blond hair showed itself through the gap, eyes squinted from involuntarily being woken up from his sleep. 

“I don’t know what the hell is going on, but can you please keep it down? I’m trying to–“

“Furlan!” She interrupted him with a yelp, jumping down the couch and hurrying towards him. Levi pinched the bridge of his nose. She was going to wake up the whole neighbourhood at this rate. “I finally picked a name!”

The said man looked down in surprise, still having trouble seeing through the blur of sleep, and the fog in his mind made it difficult to make sense of the situation. 

“Oh? What–“ He rubbed his eye. “What did you pick?”

“Esther! Do you like it? It’s from my book! Levi couldn’t read it because it’s in a different language but he said Princess Esther preaches her people–“ She attempted to retell the contents of her book before rudely being interrupted by a hand grabbing the back of her neck and pulling her back. 

“That’s enough, you’re being too loud.” Levi dragged her to the couch, treating her like a feral cat instead of an actual child, which was accurate to some degree in his opinion. 

“But-!” She struggled under his grasp.

“Go to sleep.” He cut her off, and stood by her side until she caved in and laid on the nightly sheets with a huff. 

“Does Furlan like my name?” She asked, pulling the covers to her chest. Her pouted lips had no effect on Levi. 

“I like your name, Esther.” Furlan said from where he stood, and her eyes shone for a second before Levi pushed her automatically rising torso back down.

“What did I say?” He asked, the warning undertone leaving her silent. She laid back down and crossed her arms with a displeased sigh, watching him leave her side with satisfaction on his face.

It didn’t last long, because Furlan was watching him approach with his head resting against the doorframe. Levi didn’t want to find out about the grin on his face.

“I must still be dreaming, because there’s no way you actually told her a bedtime story.” He mocked, and Levi found it frustrating that his narrowed glare did nothing to wipe the stupid smile from his face. 

“I did not tell her a bedtime story.” Levi denied, which was the the truth. There were no stories to be told as the book was unreadable in many ways. 

“If you say so.” 

“Shut up.” Was Levi’s good night as he shut the door of his room. 

And for the record, he did not tell her a bedtime story.

Chapter Text

Year 841

“Aster flower brightens gardens in late summer through autumn. They are great for attracting butterflies, bees, and other poll- po- pollinators.  Plant Asters in well-drained soil to ensure they get plenty of sun,” Esther’s How to Spot a Flower? book laid open on the low table as she stood over it, dragging her finger under each line to keep track of where her eyes couldn’t. “It sounds like my name, doesn’t it?”

“It does,” Furlan answered from the armchair with his head leaning on his fist. He looked tired, his eyelids covering half of his irises. Still, he sent Esther an approving smile. “Well done.”

Esther’s lips pursed as she tried to hide her own smile. She was always proud of her achievements, little or big, but her efforts in containing her reactions were becoming a habit.

Furlan suspected she was looking up to Levi not only in that regard but in every aspect, and whatever habit he had became hers in no time. Holding the teacups from the rim, reading with her finger underlining the words just because she saw him doing it once or twice, occasionally holding her pack of six colouring pencils upside down so the lead touched her wrist because that was how Levi held his knife. And, of course, showing no facial expression. She wasn’t quite successful at that, but she was trying her best nonetheless.

“Thank you.” She turned to the next page, reading the passage about daffodils under the oil lamp’s warm light. The passage that she already learned by heart since Levi and Furlan taught her how to read. 

It started with Levi pointing at random words and giving her their correct pronunciations as she shuffled the pages to look at the drawings. Learning the alphabet and the sounds turned out to be a bit more complicated than memorising the appearance of the words.

She practiced every day, when Levi and Furlan were out on a job, and she was left alone for many hours that she couldn’t even begin to count. When they had their colleagues over to divide money between themselves and to discuss noble names and street corners that she’d never heard of before, when she was told to wait in Levi’s room until they were gone. Her voice didn’t acknowledge the barrier that was Levi’s closed door, and it made the men on the other side listen to her read the implications of a black rose against their will. 

Furlan was her regular listener, he was helpful and encouraging. Levi wasn’t as open about it as his friend, but he was there in his own way with annoyed glances and impatient berates when she couldn’t read a simple word. His scoffs served their purpose well and made her greedy to perfect her reading skills just to get a glimpse of his approval. 

The first time she read a whole page without any mistakes, she earned a gentle hair ruffle from Levi. The surprise of his rarely shown affection merged with her pride and happiness, and her eyes gleamed the whole day. 

Towards the end of her reading hour, just as she was about to state how late it had gotten and ask where Levi was, the entrance door was pushed open with a creak. His short figure, clad in black knee-high boots and a hooded cloak, stepped inside and Esther approached him with a sudden smile. So much for keeping her face expressionless. 

“Levi!” She greeted, abandoning her book with Furlan. “You’re so late! You missed my reading-“ 

Another figure stepped in, and Esther’s words came to a halt behind her parted lips.

It was a girl, a stranger with dirty clothes and fidgety hands. Her green eyes were wide with wonder, or perhaps with caution that she failed to hide. She looked fairly young, and her muddy boots left a stain on the floor. 

“Who’s this?” Furlan asked, suddenly alert as Levi closed the door shut, locking it. They were sealed inside for the night; the girl wasn’t leaving. 

“Isabel.” She was quick to introduce herself, not giving Levi the chance to open his mouth. 

She was wary of the new environment she found herself in, but she didn’t seem to be timid. And if she was nervous, it went away with her fidgeting when she spotted Esther; a little girl in an oversized shirt that served the purpose of a nightgown, standing in the middle of the room with her long hair in loose pigtails.

Esther didn’t cease her own examination, and noticed how Isabel wore her hair in the same style as hers. She wondered if Isabel knew how to properly braid her own hair.

Levi pushed his hood back and ran his fingers through his hair, all the while knowing he was being watched by Furlan’s questioning eyes.

“We’re running a charity, remember?” His sarcastic words were self-mocking in a way. 

The Underground was not a livable place, not for the poor at least, and certainly not for any sane person either. In a ruthless game of survival, he somehow found himself collecting strays from murder scenes and garbage cans.

It was quite a mystery why he even bothered to approach them in the first place, yet he always did without a moment of hesitation. And yet, here they all were with one of them wearing his shirt as a nightgown and the other dirtying his floor just like her predecessor. 

“Right. A word, please?” Furlan stood up and dragged Levi to a corner for what little privacy they could get. His request was an order in disguise, and he didn’t leave Levi a chance to explain before concerns and warnings started to pour out from his mouth. “Levi, I trust you and your decisions even when I think you’re out of your mind, but another stray? We don’t have the place nor the money. Do you even know her? For all we know she could be a thief, or a murderer-“

“It’s not like we’re any different. And we didn’t know Esther either.” Levi argued, keeping his face neutral. 

“She was five when you brought her here.” Furlan skipped over the former point.

“There are five-year-olds out there who’d eat both of us alive.” 

“That’s beside the point.” Furlan sighed, catching a glimpse of the new Isabel girl waving at Esther, who stood her ground and raised a shy hand in return.

Their shadows danced on the wall behind Furlan and Levi, the light of the oil lamp burning away in its glass cage.

“Look at her,” Levi subtly motioned Isabel with his head. “You can count her bones. She’s barely alive.” 

Upon more detailed examination, Furlan noticed the shake in her extremely thin legs. The skin on the hand she waved at Esther almost stuck to her sharp bones completely, and her face wasn’t any different. Her jawline and cheekbones were unnaturally prominent, and dark circles decorated under her eyes. If they listened very closely, they could hear the growl of her neglected stomach. 

When Levi first found Isabel, her childish hair and wide eyes shining against all her odds were the first things he took notice of, apart from the smell of trash and the rats scattering. Isabel wore an expression that he knew all too well on her dying face. Hanging onto the thin thread of life to survive another day and never losing the glimmer signifying her heartbeat in her eyes, the very things that beckoned him.

He almost told Furlan that she reminded him of Esther. Words were there, ready at the tip of his tongue, but he chose to swallow them instead.

“I could’ve left her, but I felt otherwise. We’ll have another ODM gear smuggled in for her. She’ll help with the jobs, and she’ll feed herself. Stop worrying, it makes you look constipated.” Levi turned away, not waiting for another counter argument.

“Isabel, sleep on the couch tonight. We’ll discuss in the morning.” Levi instructed, gaining both girls’ attentions. 

Isabel seemed relieved that she was going to sleep on a soft surface with walls surrounding her, while Esther turned to him with panic etched onto her face.

“But Levi, what about me?” She asked, trying her hardest not to look afraid.

The couch was her bed, where she slept and dreamt and learned to count to one hundred. Where she had sleepless nights sipping tea and talking with Levi until her asleep head fell on his arm. Surely Levi wasn’t about to kick her out, was he? He wouldn’t. They didn’t even go upstairs to see the sky yet. Furlan said they would.

Levi didn’t give her eyes the chance to glisten in tears of a quick and false assumption. He made a gesture with his head towards his room, a motion for her to go inside. 

Esther froze in surprise for a second, thinking he might be joking. It wasn’t like him to make jokes, and even if he came up with what he thought was funny, it was never for Esther’s ears and it usually went over her head. 

“Really?” She asked, along with her enlarged eyes.

“Unless you want to sleep on the floor, which is fine by me.” 

Esther hurried back to her book and closed it before Levi could change his mind, not that he would say something to take it back in the span of ten seconds, but Esther didn’t wish to risk it. She suspected that his comment about her sleeping on the floor was half true. 

As she made her way to Levi’s room under Isabel’s confused and Furlan’s apprehensive gazes, she thought of all the possibilities. Oh, she could make him tell her a bedtime story. Or they could talk until the morning! She’d manage not to fall asleep this time. She had so many things running in circles in her mind, all of them she could ask and tell him. He could explain who the girl at the door was and she wouldn’t have to wait until the morning to find out. 

But things took a different turn when Levi entered the room a few minutes later, done with giving Isabel something to eat before leaving her for Furlan’s just to be sure questioning. He already got the answers he needed.

Isabel was wary of him at first, but she was a talkative one. She’d been wasting her life away with her head on the trash bags, eyes staring at the Underground’s awfully boring ceiling as if she was waiting for death to come and take her already.

She barely reacted when Levi grabbed the roots of her hair, lifting her head up and examining her weary face before her senses came back to her. She was just a kid, no parents, no family, just a fading life.

Esther was sitting on the covers that were rarely disturbed with the book on her lap. He carried an extra oil lamp inside, lit and bright, and placed it on his desk. His limited space was organised as expected, he didn’t own a crowd of belongings. His wooden wardrobe was facing the bed, and a flimsy armchair was placed near his desk. He had specific newspaper articles, notebooks and books as well as a pair of ink pens with different tips arranged on the rustic surface. 

There was a corner of a paper peeking from under the cover of one of the books. A horrible and completely tasteless drawing of himself, standing in a garden of lilies, or so Esther had explained, with grey rectangles that represented his ODM gear floating near his hips. His eyes were made of two lazy black lines with a pair of blue dots in the middle, and his hair made his unnaturally round head look ten times bigger than its actual size. But it was there, tucked away in between the pages instead of being thrown in the bin. 

“Furlan says you can read without any help now.” He started the conversation, and the rest was for Esther to explain in unnecessarily long descriptions.

“Yes! I started from daisies and read until daffodils! There were some words I struggled with but I handled them all by myself. Furlan was happy too, and oh! There’s this flower called Aster and it sounds just like my name! Furlan agrees. They bloom in late summer, and they attract lots of butterflies and–“ Levi feared she’d run out of breath and faint on the spot, so he came to stand by her side, his shadow falling over her sitting figure and interrupting her rambling.

His hand reached under his cloak and came out with a small children’s book clutched between his fingers.

Esther’s eyes caught sight of it and the wheels in her brain stopped working, causing her to forget what she was talking about a second ago. 

Levi held the book out, and Esther looked up at him in surprise. Sprinkles of question marks were swimming in her eyes, waiting for an explanation before she assumed that the book was for her.

“I saw it in a bookstore.” Was the most detailed explanation he’d give.

“You bought it for me?” She reached for it in fresh, brewing excitement, but her fingers were still timid as they curled around the corners.

The moment she touched its spotless hardcover and felt its weight was priceless. She held it above her lap for a moment to relive it. It was brand new, never been touched or read before by anyone else. Opening a random page from the middle caused the binding glue to release a gentle cracking sound. A giddy smile displayed her teeth.

“I decided to take it.” Levi worded it differently, his careful eyes watching for a reaction. 

She didn’t respond to the crime he nonchalantly committed, or implied that he committed. She never did, and she never questioned anything he and Furlan did outside of their four walls. It was the normality of their lives for her, and it wasn’t like she could escape it, nor did she want to be saved. As long as they were safe and they came back home each time, she didn’t seem to care about what they stole or who they crossed. 

The strong belief that she was safe with them was formed by the trust she gave so freely and faithfully. And it wasn’t like Levi or Furlan would waste her reliance on them in any way, but the problem lied within her pure heart. She’d trust anyone as long as they showed her a fraction of sympathy. She didn’t learn anything from what she’d been through, and she was as fragile and naïve as a weed growing in concrete cracks. 

Levi wouldn’t comment on it or try to explain the severity of the circumstances to her. In some way she already understood, and what was he supposed to do about that? Nothing she’d say or feel would change the path they’ve gone down to keep their stomachs and pockets from going completely empty.

Esther returned to the cover, her hands following the path of the cursive letters. 

“Emily’s Wish Tree.” She read, eyeing the illustration below the gold lettering.

It was a cartoonish, even childish, drawing of a blonde girl peeking her head out from between the branches of a tree, the leaves surrounding her and being presented like her natural hair.

Esther wondered how she got up there. She wondered what leaves felt like on her skin and in her hair, what they smelled like. She wondered if she’d ever get to see a real-life tree, almost ten times bigger than her size with branches reaching the sky. She could climb them, just like Emily, and maybe even touch the clouds and take a nap on them. Maybe Levi and Furlan would let her use the ODM gear for once, and with one pull she’d be soaring into the air, higher than the trees. 

“Are you going to read-“

“No,” Levi cut her short before she could finish her sentence. “You’re all grown up now. Stop asking for bedtime stories.” 

Esther blinked at him, the little hands that held the book pausing above her lap.

“I’m six years old.” 

“Really? Two days ago, you were convinced of being an adult.” Levi reminded. 

It wasn’t something they hadn’t been through before, her asking to help them out whenever they were geared up for a job. She tried to persuade them by saying she was a grown up now, that she could handle herself. 

Levi scoffed at the memory as he turned away, taking off his cloak.

She wasn’t ready for anything, which was a relief and a problem in itself at the same time. A thought he was uncomfortably aware of was always at the back of his mind. She needed to learn at one point, living was impossible if one didn’t know how to brute force their way in and out of trouble in order to survive the leeches emerging from every corner of the city. However, he still refused to let her know about that inevitable fact. She’d cause his brain to explode by all her pestering and begging if she ever caught a glimpse of the possibility, that was for sure.

“Fine,” She sighed, leaning against the headboard. She turned to the first page and cleared her throat with completely unnecessary theatrics. “A noble house once stood proud in Mitr- Mitras, the capital of Wall Sina. There lived a girl with beautiful-“

“What are you doing?” Levi raised a brow, his cloak hanging from his bent arm to be put away in his closet. 

Esther sent him a glance from the top of the book. Her eyes were dark under the soft light of the lamp.

“Since I’m the adult, I’m reading you a bedtime story.” She answered, and resumed her reading without allowing a comeback from him. 

Levi gave her a well-deserved eye roll while taking out a hanger. Insufferable brat. What a pain in the ass.

༻✿༺

During her quest to read Levi a bedtime story, Esther fell asleep herself, somehow lulling her own mind to sleep.

Levi noticed the lack of her voice immediately, and saw the book covering half of her face when he looked over his shoulder from his chair. Her neck was bent uncomfortably against the headboard, and her pigtails covered the entirety of the pillow. 

Levi stood up, his nostrils flaring with a quiet sigh. He took the book from her limp hands and turned it around, checking the page she was left on.

She managed to reach the sixth page before embarrassingly falling asleep. 

He closed the book and placed it on the bedside table. Esther never folded the corner of the page or placed a makeshift bookmark between pages, she preferred keeping the page number in mind. Apparently it was easier for her, and it was better than wrinkling the paper or tucking something in between and disturbing the seamless form of the pages when the book was closed.

Levi didn’t stop to think why it was something he kept in his mind. She somehow managed to put all the nonsense in the world in his head, making him involuntarily remember random things at random times without meaning to. 

He came close to losing his mind when he couldn’t stop thinking about the question she asked when Furlan got her the colouring pencils she didn’t even ask for, but received with one of her biggest smiles. 

Why am I right-handed? She asked nonchalantly, colouring the ear of a dog she attempted to draw pink. He refused to tell her he didn’t know the answer to such a stupid question.

“Levi…” She grumbled when he placed a hand on her shoulder to give her a gentle shake.

“Go under the covers.” He ignored her sleepy voice and eyes that insisted to stay closed. 

She listened to him reluctantly, her body almost acting on its own as she sleepily sat up, pulled the covers to the side and immediately laid back down without pulling them back up. Her head hit the pillow and she was out cold in the blink of an eye once again. 

Levi looked down at her with an unimpressed expression that she wasn’t a stranger to. He pulled the covers up to her neck in her stead.

“Levi,” She murmured again, not even having the energy to close her lips afterwards. He hummed in acknowledgement, looking at her closed eyelids, waiting. “Did you give Isabel something to eat?” 

His eyebrows vaguely moved towards a frown at her out-of-nowhere question.

“Yes.”

“And tea?”

“No.” 

Esther’s eyelashes then fluttered as she attempted to open her eyes, alarmed by his negative answer.

“Go back to sleep, brat.” He put a firm hand on her shoulder with the hopes of preventing her from rising again. She didn’t have the energy to fight back.

“Did you put sheets on the couch?” 

He paused at the question, and the corner of his lips twitched with the promise of a smile. Not a noticeable one, but a smile nonetheless. 

“I did.” 

She didn’t react or ask for any vital information after that. Her questioning seemed to put her mind at ease, and she was back to being unresponsive again, her face relaxed and her lips parted as she started to generate dreams that she’d tell all about come the morning. 

༻✿༺

Having Isabel stay with them was a nice change for Esther. A stranger to socialise with, and a girl to get to know and befriend. Even though Isabel was older, she was a girl nonetheless and Esther was happy to be in the company of one. For a while. 

Isabel turned out to be extremely talkative. She’d get warnings from Levi and Furlan to keep it down, but Esther didn’t mind. She liked being able to talk to her with ease and without having to approach her to start a conversation first. 

During her first morning, Isabel received a cup of warm tea from Levi upon Esther’s request. They all sat around the table, and during Esther’s attempt to make Isabel feel at home, they had bit of an awkward breakfast. Isabel stuffed her mouth with anything and everything that’d been offered to her, which wasn’t more than a stale bread with butter and boiled egg, all the while watching her new companions. 

She looked between Levi and Esther’s shared hair colour, her eyes shuttling between their unusual hold on the teacups. She then proceeded to ask Levi if Esther was his daughter, and the immediate widening of his eyes would’ve been comical if he hadn’t covered it up in a split second. 

“No.” He said firmly, and kicked Furlan’s leg under the table, who’d been covering the lower half of his face not-so-subtly to stifle his snort.

Esther told Isabel that she never knew her father, and that her mother passed away last year. They were quick to bond over their shared tragedies. Isabel never knew either of her parents. Isabel grew up on the streets. Isabel fed from the leftovers in trash like a street rat, and Isabel almost died like one. 

Being saved by Levi made both of them appreciate and respect the man, and whereas Esther didn’t refer to him by any titles besides his own name, Isabel started to see him as her older brother and didn’t shy away from calling him that. 

She often strayed away to somewhere in the city by herself, aiming to come back with whatever she could steal to offer them in return for the shelter they gave her. Whether it’d be food, clothes or a small butterfly hair clip for Esther. Levi would say it was unnecessary, and Furlan warned her not to attract any attention to them by her careless lifts. Esther, on the other hand, loved gifts and never complained once. 

After a few weeks, at least five different hair clips decorated her hair, all in the shape of butterflies with various colours. She asked Levi if she looked like a flower. He said she looked ridiculous, but Furlan was quick to reassure her. She didn’t seem convinced, and never placed more than two small clips on her hair after that.

It was a calm evening when Isabel returned from one of her ventures with a tear-streaked face. 

Esther was reading Emily’s Wish Tree on the couch, Furlan was talking to Levi in a hushed voice not to disturb Esther because he was considerate like that. When Isabel barged in with her chest heaving with sobs, face covered in cuts and bruises and one of her pigtails missing a great length of her hair, they all knew something bad had happened. 

It felt like a unanimous decision when they all stopped whatever they were doing to ask her to explain, and Isabel said she just fell and cried for what felt like forever. Furlan was calculating as he stood silently and inspected the damage whereas Levi was just impatient and clearly disbelieving of her lazy lie. It was Esther who stood up and approached Isabel, who now sat on the armchair with slouched shoulders and a hanging head. She raised her small hand and touched her freshly cut hair ever so gently. Isabel’s sobs stopped being audible after a while as Esther’s kind touch eased her nerves.

“I like your new hair.” She commented, and Isabel sent her a disbelieving look with bloodshot eyes covered in tears.

“What?” Isabel’s voice was unsteady, and she couldn’t figure out how anyone could find her unevenly chopped hair likeable.

“It suits you.” She reassured, and even though Isabel’s breakdown came to a halt, she still wouldn’t believe that her words were genuine. 

“No, it doesn’t.” She pushed Esther’s hand away and stood up, wiping her face with her sleeve. She aimed to go to the bathroom, but Levi was inconveniently standing in her way. 

“You were stealing from those low life scumbags again, weren’t you?” He asked to confirm, but Isabel was stubborn. She didn’t want to admit that she got beaten up by men from whom she was trying to steal. She didn’t even have anything to show for it, which was embarrassing enough on its own.

“I told you, I just slipped and fell from the stairs. And my hair will grow back.” She averted the question and him by walking around and locking herself in the bathroom. 

The sound of drawers being opened and utensils being shuffled around reached their ears, along with her chants of threats and promises to kill them. She sounded too passionate to be talking about a set of stairs.

“We should make her tea.” Esther suggested helpfully. Furlan’s half-hearted encouragement was delayed as he was primarily focused on Levi and his damn face that never let anything through. Not his emotions and certainly not his thoughts. But Furlan knew Levi was angry, he was too. He wouldn’t expect anything less from him. 

So when Levi walked through the door the night after with cloth over his knife, Furlan knew better than to ask. Yet, his curiosity won over his logic.

“Did you kill them?” 

Levi, unsurprisingly, answered with silence. And Esther witnessed the lengths he would go for a loved one. 

Isabel didn’t find out. She cut off the other part of her hair and reluctantly displayed shorter pigtails even though Esther tried to convince her that she looked pretty. Isabel thanked her by giving her the braids she’d been asking about forever, and Esther couldn’t be happier as she flaunted them. In return, she promised she’d teach her about flowers. Isabel happened to discover her interest in flowers sooner or later, and Esther was overjoyed to find out that Isabel’s last name was Magnolia.

“Like the flowering trees?” Esther asked, eyes shining after the new discovery. Isabel was so lucky to have Magnolia as a last name, it was pretty and unique in her short list of names.

“Exactly! Not that I’ve ever seen one, but that’s what I’ve been told.” 

“Oh! I know what they look like! It’s all in my book, see?” She pointed at a page she so quickly turned to, and it was another opportunity for them to bond over, but it didn’t keep Esther from envying her as she became closer to Levi and Furlan more than she ever was.

Over time, Levi taught Isabel how to clean the ODM gear, how to strap one securely, how to fly without breaking her back; and eventually, how to help them out on heists. Isabel was more than eager to learn, and she seemed to be focused on the fun of it rather than its importance for the jobs. Furlan was always there to supervise and to keep Isabel under control for when she got too excited to a point it made her overconfident. 

And it all happened as Esther watched them from afar, not even allowed to be a part of the experience, let alone try the gear on for a mere five seconds. It was because she was little. She was weak and naïve. She was unreliable, inexperienced, and she was all the other things Levi listed to keep her away from the gear and the dangers waiting right outside of their door. 

“You won’t always be there.” She said one night, right before going to bed and knowing very well that Levi couldn’t escape the conversation in his own room. Yet, he still did.

“Not yet.” Was his only response, and everything else she said was answered with silence. 

She laid down with a huff, and threw daggers at his back as he sat on his chair until sleep took over her consciousness.

Not yet became the most unsatisfactory answer he’d ever give her as time progressed and the three of them started to come home together, talking about a job well done. Isabel always joked about the people they stole from, mocked them constantly, and whatever happened outside was discussed only between them. No more late night talks at the kitchen table. No more including Esther in their stories, and no more asking if she behaved while they were gone. 

But she always behaved. She kept the door locked and secure, she swept the floor and wiped every surface she could reach. She made everyone’s bed and fluffed up the pillows. Levi occasionally approved of it, but he never gave her a pat on the head like he’d give Isabel whenever she cried after his usual berates. Esther never cried when Levi criticised her, except for a certain night after he refused to take her out with him to get dinner. 

He noticed her absence as soon as he stepped in, warmth and mouthwatering smell radiating from the large paper bag he was carrying. Dinner for four. He forgot how expensive the food had gotten. It was never a pleasant experience, paying overpriced money for ready food when they could cook something else themselves for way cheaper. It was their own fault for forgetting to restock groceries while all the jobs they took on jumbled up their usual schedule and their heads. 

“Where’s Esther?” He asked, placing the bag on the table. 

Isabel was the first to sit down, complaining about her empty stomach. Furlan raised a hand and pointed at the ceiling, which caused Levi to let out a tired sigh. Also known as a display of annoyance. 

“Go ahead.” He pushed the bag towards Isabel’s eager hands, and turned around to walk out the door to get Esther. 

A few weeks ago, she discovered uneven bricks sticking out from outside of their building. She’d climb up and sit on the roof despite all his warnings. It was where she watched them train Isabel for the ODM gear. 

He climbed up with ease, and the first thing he did when he reached the top was to dust his hands off. The whole thing was unnecessary and dirty. Another reason why he wished she’d stop coming up here. Most of the time she couldn’t even figure out how to get back down on her own.

He spotted Esther on the other side of the roof, sitting with her back turned to him. Arms hugging her bent knees, she looked up at the ceiling and at the lights she loved to refer to as stars. Her hair was loose. No braids, no pigtails, no butterfly clips. She stopped asking Isabel to do her hair a while ago, and she didn’t talk that much to Furlan anymore either. Levi noticed her lack of voice in the house, and whenever she read, she read silently. No more reading out loud hours. It seemed like she grew out of it. 

“Esther, come back down. I brought dinner.” Levi announced, not moving from his spot. 

Esther didn’t look away from her miserable view. 

“I’m not hungry.” She replied, quiet and reluctant to even speak. 

Levi was about to say that he didn’t care, that he already paid for it and she was going to eat it unless she wanted to starve herself until breakfast next morning. But he noticed her unusual mood before he even opened his mouth. Esther never not greeted him whenever he came home, even though she saw him a short while ago. It wasn’t like her to get moody or genuinely upset enough to turn her back to him. 

His face hardened, and he found himself turning solemn.

“What happened?” He questioned, walking closer to her. The roof tiles made tapping noises under his steps. 

Esther didn’t acknowledge him, and kept her eyes ahead even when he stood right next to her sitting form. Her face was void of emotion, her half lidded eyes weren’t bright and wide as they usually were. If only she could see her reflection, she’d think that she finally mastered Levi’s deadpan expression.

“Esther.” He pushed, firm and insistent. He nudged her foot with his own. 

Esther rested her chin on her knees, looked down from the wannabe stars at her worn out shoes and released a defeated sigh. 

“Do you not love me anymore?” She asked eventually, and her timid voice broke before she could even finish the question. 

Levi stilled, not just because of the question but because of her choice of words. His eyes widened ever so slightly, and he suddenly didn’t feel prepared to face her curled up form and glistening eyes.

“What?” He felt stupid for even uttering that, but he didn’t know how else to answer her. Why would she even ask such a question at the most random time? 

He wasn’t an expert in child behaviour and the phase they went through, that much was obvious. The stages he overcame were different than hers. He figured out how he liked to hold his knife young and stabbed men when he wasn’t much older than her age, all learned from a figure he didn’t want to be in Esther’s eyes. 

It was safe to say that he was caught unprepared.

He frowned at her in confusion, but she refused to elaborate. She hid half of her face behind the bandana tied around her neck, the damn one he gave her to use for cleaning, not for asking absurd questions and hiding behind it right after.

“Don’t be stupid. Dinner’s getting cold, come inside.” Levi ordered after a moment they spent in painful silence. 

He turned to leave, but Esther didn’t follow his steps. That was another one of her firsts that night.

Levi called her name once more, and made it known that his patience was running thin. 

He then heard Esther’s sniff, and the whimper that followed rendered him all too uncomfortable. He never witnessed her cry before, except for the day when he found her by her mother’s corpse but it’d been a long while since then. He didn’t know her back then, and she didn’t even have a name yet. He was so unused to seeing her in such a situation, hearing her struggle to keep her sobs in, and he immediately decided that he hated it. It was pathetic, overwhelming and it should never happen to her, ever again. 

“Thank you for buying me dinner, b-but I’m not hungry. You can share it.” She said as tears streamed down her face for whatever reason. She was still kind and thoughtful even in her worst. 

Esther immediately buried her face between her knees to hide whatever she was going through from him. Levi was plainly confused, and he felt more clueless than ever in a very long time. The inner raise of his eyebrows showed the contention of his mind. It should’ve been Isabel or Furlan dealing with her, not him.  But, since the life was full of sick sense of humour, it had to be him standing over her to witness her heartbreaking, pitiful sobs. 

As she cried and let out all the misery and secretly pent up emotion she stored over the weeks, Levi sat down next to her without a word. He stared ahead, glancing at the cheap replica of the stars all the while listening to her hiccups accompany her tears. The sounds she made echoed in his mind. He sensed that she was trying to stop herself as her body shook next to his extremely still one. Her hands were clutching at her pants, her fingertips turning white in the process. She refused to raise her head and look at him. She struggled for a long while, wishing Levi wouldn’t have to see her like that, hoping Furlan and Isabel were unable to hear her embarrass herself. They were wishful thinking, she already knew. She was the old drunken man singing songs that night.

“Are you done?” Levi asked when she started to calm down. 

It felt like forever had passed when her sobs came to a halt and her body got a break from shaking, but her sniffing and tears were reluctant to walk away. 

“Sorry.” She apologised, even though she felt like she could go at it again if he confirmed her fear. What if he truly didn’t love her anymore? What if Furlan didn’t either? They would send her away. What would she do? Where would she even go? If only they could teach her how to fly! She could help, she knew she could. She would learn to fight if it meant being useful to them, if it meant she got to live with them for a day longer. 

“What is this about?” He asked after giving her a generous five seconds for her to collect her thoughts. 

Esther wasn’t quite ready, especially not when she raised her head ever so slightly only to make her puffy eyes and red nose visible, and saw him purposefully look away from her.

“I’m afraid.” She answered, honest as ever. She didn’t keep anything from Levi, she couldn’t. She endlessly trusted him and Furlan, and she was growing quite fond of Isabel except for when she got all their attention to a point they all forgot about her. She didn’t know what she’d do without them, and she was just so afraid. 

Levi’s eyebrow twitched at the words, and them sounding so small coming from her.

“Afraid of what?” 

“I’m afraid you don’t love me anymore. I’m also afraid that you’ll send me away again.” Esther’s own answer rekindled her excessive flow of tears, and she tried to wipe them with the back of her hand. 

Her vision was quite blurry, but she was able to notice Levi train his eyes on her. If he was offended or surprised, he hid it extremely well. 

It was her turn to avert her gaze, feeling embarrassed of her tears. Levi saw the redness around her irises, the dampness gave her eyes the wrong kind of shine, and even the colour of her eyes were affected. He could see a fraction of green in them, the brown was light and warm. 

“No one’s sending you away. Do you sit down all day and think of all the absurd questions you can ask?” Levi replied, not referring to her first statement in any way. 

“Do you love Isabel more than me?” She asked instead. The answer he gave did a poor job at sprinkling water over the torment in her chest. 

Levi paused, a calculating look on his face as he tried to understand if he heard her right.

“So you’re jealous of Isabel, is that it?” He asked, and the ashamed look in her eyes confirmed his suspicion. 

He turned away and pinched the bridge of his nose. All that tantrum just because she was jealous.

“It’s just… She’s older than me and she’s so capable. She gets to fly with you and help you out, but you won’t even let me come with you to get dinner.” She murmured, starting to nervously play with the cuffs of her pants. Her voice was so meek that Levi struggled to understand the words clearly. He had somewhat of a disbelieving look on his face and if it was any other time, Esther would feel proud to have achieved such a reaction. 

“It’s because it’s late-“ Levi started to explain, but ended up interrupting himself with a frustrated sigh. 

Esther wasn’t in the right mindset to listen to anything he had to say, and he didn’t believe in his own capability to give her the explanation she wanted to hear on the subject. She was making up scenarios in her head and reacting to them instead of the reality and logic of what was actually happening. 

“I don’t have time for this,” He eventually shut down their poor communication and stood up, dusting off his pants. “Come back inside, your dinner is getting cold.” 

Esther knew he wasn’t asking anymore, and she knew she wouldn’t get the answer she wanted to hear from him. Maybe he really didn’t want her anymore, let alone love her. She was useless, she couldn’t do anything for them. She couldn’t even bring gifts like Isabel either. The severity of her thoughts and the lack of response from Levi convinced her that she was going to be kicked out sooner or later, and the thought made her feel cold and numb. 

Her face was pale when she stood up wobbly and turned to follow Levi. He acknowledged it, but didn’t make a comment. 

When they entered back inside, Furlan and Isabel were sitting at the table. Despite Isabel’s previous eagerness to stuff her mouth with warm food, none of them touched their meal until they arrived. Levi had a hunch that Furlan made her wait. 

Esther took her seat silently, bowing her head and hiding her face with the help of her hair and the bandana around her neck, but Isabel and Furlan already noticed. Her eyes were red and puffy, and so was her nose. Her suddenly pale skin was noticeable, and it wasn’t like the walls around them were thick enough to isolate the sounds. Isabel’s worried and Furlan’s solemn face signified that they heard her crying. She only hoped that they didn’t hear her insecure questions.

They had their dinner in an uncomfortable silence, all because of her. No one said a word, and no one mentioned the markings of tears on her face nor asked about what happened on the roof, because they were all dysfunctional like that. However, Esther did appreciate not being asked anything. She didn’t feel like explaining just to get shut down again. 

The sounds of utensils clinking were painful. Esther was having trouble with her plate, she couldn’t do much except for pushing the vegetables of her stew around with her fork. A spoonful of mashed potato was sitting at the edge of her bowl. She loved the creamy texture of the dish, and she didn’t even have to ask for Levi to order it for her. He remembered on his own, yet her mind seemed to bypass that detail.

“The food is delicious, isn’t it Furlan?” Isabel asked, desperate to make a conversation and to diffuse the painful silence. 

Furlan was sharing the same idea, and he didn’t hesitate to back her up.

“Yes. It’s great. Thanks Levi.” 

Levi ate in silence.

“Esther, what do you think?” Isabel asked, wearing a wavering smile that looked forced even for her.

Esther, with her cheek resting against her palm, gave Isabel a short glance. Her sad eyes wiped off the smile on Isabel’s face.

“It’s delicious. Thank you, Levi.” She said, even though most of her food was untouched. 

She knew she wasn’t fooling anyone, but she wasn’t rude enough to ignore their attempts at getting her to talk either. Levi, on the other hand, ignored them without a problem. He was the first to finish and the first to retreat to his room. 

Esther ate the rest of her meal with Furlan’s pushing. He said she’d get hungry after midnight, that she’d have to wait until breakfast and it’d feel uncomfortable. Esther didn’t mind waiting, it wouldn’t be a first for her, but she listened to Furlan nonetheless.

When it was time to go to bed, she stood on her toes and placed the dishes on the counter. It was Isabel’s turn to clean them, and she did so with a bored, reluctant huff. 

Esther bid them a half-hearted good night and approached Levi’s ajar door. The light coming from the gap was inviting, but her steps were hesitant. It felt like they had a mind of their own, like they wanted to walk in the other direction. But she swallowed down her uncertainty and knocked on the door, sticking her head through the gap. 

Levi was at his table as usual. He wasn’t reading or writing or even cleaning his knife. He seemed troubled as his eyes stared at the empty surface of the desk, and he didn’t acknowledge Esther in any way.

“Levi.” She spoke up, shy and unsure. 

The quiet calling of his name made him turn his head to look at her. She had one hand on the handle and the other on the doorframe. She looked ready to close it and leave if she was told to do so.

“Can I still sleep here?” She mumbled, and Levi just wished she’d stop asking those idiotic questions. 

“Why wouldn’t you?” He asked in return, and Esther shrugged in guilt.

“Because we had a fight.” 

Levi rolled his eyes. If she considered her crying at her own jealousy and him just standing in a corner of daze a fight, she was more naïve than he’d thought.

“You don’t know what an actual fight is.” He answered, tipping his chin towards the bed. 

Esther didn’t argue, even though she did know what a fight was. She used to sit through one sided ones when her mama was alive. Esther was the only one who couldn’t answer back to her, stand up to her or do something worse entirely. Sitting and taking it was what she did, and what she continued to do, because she didn’t know any better. Eyes full of anger and hatred were the only affection she ever knew.

So she walked in and took her place under the warm covers. The soft pillows felt uncomfortable that night, and she had to sleep with her back turned to the desk where Levi was sitting at. He, of course, noticed that too.

༻✿༺

Emily was the only daughter of a noble man, living in a great mansion in Mitras. All of her friends were the children of her father’s associates, arranged and questionable. Emily was unhappy. Emily was lonely. She didn’t exist in her father’s eyes, and she strayed far away from her home each day. 

The ferry took her to Wall Rose, and Wall Rose had beautiful forests. All filled with life and vibrant colours that she wouldn’t mind if she got lost in there. Emily met a talking tree there, the curves of the trunk formed its face and ever changing expressions. It looked naked and frail without any leaves. It said it was a Wish Tree, that it could do anything she wished for, only asking for leaves from other trees to cover its own bare branches. Emily agreed eagerly. 

She asked for friends, real friends; and she asked for her father to see her, to love her, to care about her. The tree granted her wishes, and she happily stole leaves from the surrounding trees, decorating the Wish Tree’s branches with them. She enjoyed the company of her genuine friends, and she was so happy to receive her father’s love. But it wasn’t enough. She wished and wished for anything and everything. Unique gifts for her friends that they couldn’t find anywhere else, to be the most beautiful girl in all the walls; to have the biggest mansion, bigger than the palace itself. Her wishes were never-ending, and the tree was more than happy to oblige. It grew bigger and richer while the ones around him withered and died. 

The forest didn’t have any more trees left after a while, and Emily couldn’t create any spare time to spend with her friends and family, to enjoy the riches she asked for, because all she did was carry leaves from one branch to another. Eventually, she realised her mistake. The forest was empty except for her and the Wish Tree. Animals were gone, hunters couldn’t hunt anymore and birds looked for other trees to build their nests in. 

She asked for the Wish Tree to turn everything back to how it was, even though it broke her heart to lose everything she worked for. The tree said it couldn’t, because there was no other leaf she could give it in return. What a cruel joke. But Emily was insistent on fixing her mistake. She climbed the Wish Tree and plucked its leaves one by one against its protests. She returned the leaves back to the innocent trees, and she worked until her legs couldn’t carry her anymore. 

The book ended exactly where it started. Everything back to normal and Emily back in her big house with an empty heart, living half a life. 

Esther closed the book with a sigh. She wondered why Emily couldn’t wish for the tree to grow its own leaves if it was so capable. Why did she have to give up everything she received, even though most of them were her greed taking over? Surely she could think of a smarter solution. 

Esther loved reading the book, wondering what was going to happen when she turned the page, but she hated the ending. She wondered what the others would think if she read the story out loud to them. Not that they’d want to listen to her anyway. They were so busy, working so hard to collect enough money to climb up the Eleventh Stairs, to get the residence permit they desperately wanted. 

Besides, Levi was more distant than ever, and Esther couldn’t help but think that it was her own fault for bringing up her insecurities up on the rooftop. She clearly upset him. He denied it, of course, but didn’t give any other explanation either. She had nothing else to believe. 

Even though she didn’t like the ending of Emily’s Wish Tree, she wanted to be like her. She could be like her. She had to fix what she broke without meaning to. 

It was a quiet evening. Levi was cooking dinner in the kitchen, he’d just started. Esther knew it would take a while, especially since there were four of them now. 

His white cloth was laid open on his desk, and his knife on top it. Recently cleaned, sharp and shiny. Esther could see her own reflection on it from where she was sitting. 

She threw a cautious glance at the gap of the ajar door. Isabel was napping on the couch with drool gathering at the corner of her parted lips. Furlan was out of the view, he was either in his room or at the kitchen table. 

Esther stood up and tiptoed over to Levi’s desk. Her fingers curled around the edge of the desk, and she examined the knife with her chin resting on top her knuckles. 

Isabel would go out and steal for them, all by herself. When she got caught, all she received was a beating and a chopped off pigtail. Levi and Furlan never got caught. They had their knives and they had their gear. It was true that she lacked the ODM equipment, and that she didn’t know how to properly use a knife, but there were bigger concerns at the present. She had no choice but to make Levi forgive her. She had to prove that she could be useful. She could steal too, and she could contribute something to their money box. Her anxious thoughts were growing in size each day, and she didn’t see any other way than to prove her worth unless she wanted to be kicked out. She was all grown up now, Levi said so. She could do it.

Esther bit her bottom lip in a moment of weakness, hesitancy making itself known, but being capable meant she had to be brave and efficient, not unsure of her decisions. So she grabbed the knife, momentarily felt its weight and potential danger in the palm of her hand, and immediately tucked it into the waistband of her pants. Pulling out her shirt covered any sight of it, yet she felt the pointy tip of it against her skin. It was uncomfortable to no end, and her heart was beating violently against her rib cage as if it wanted to be set free, but she set her mind to leave the room, and to eventually leave the house.

She could swear her face was flushed red to the limit as she stepped through the door’s gap, and the awkwardness of her walk didn’t help conceal her top secret plan at all.

Furlan was sitting at the kitchen table as she suspected, daily newspaper in his hands. Levi’s back was turned as he cooked with a cream coloured apron on, no one was looking at her.

Taking advantage of her small size and quiet steps, she reached for the exit door’s handle.

“Where are you going?” Furlan suddenly asked, causing her to freeze. 

Eyes widened in panic, she looked at him with what she thought was a believable neutral expression. It wasn’t quite successful, and on top of it Levi was now looking at her too. His gaze was so careful, so observant as if he was able to look through her eyes into her brain. 

Not trusting her voice to not rat her out, she raised a hand and pointed at the ceiling. They’d believe that she was going up to the roof, where else could she go?

Furlan gave her a single nod, and Levi turned back around after an extra moment of silent inspection. Both of them seemed suspicious of her, it was no secret. Still, Esther opened the door, and just as she was about to step out, Furlan stopped her once again.

“Are you alright?” He asked, very much noticing the unusually blushed skin of hers. 

Esther didn’t hurry to look back at him again, but when she did, her smile seemed forced even from a distance.

“Of course. I just need some air.” She answered. It was what Emily always told the maids at her mansion before leaving for Wall Rose. It was believable, supposedly.

Levi paused at that, his shoulders stilling and his hand taking a break from stirring the soup. 

“Right.” Furlan didn’t believe her either. No one went outside to get some air in the Underground. There was no air, but he let her go with a cautious, “Don’t stay up there for too long. Dinner will be ready soon.” 

Esther gave him a quick nod and finally closed the door after herself. A shaky breath left her lips, and she braced herself against the door for a moment to drain the mist away from her mind. They were making her thoughts appear so foggy that she couldn’t think anymore. She had to be like them, she had to keep her cool at all times and just focus on the job. Don’t ever get distracted. Don’t mess up. Those were the things Levi and Furlan would tell Isabel repeatedly.

Esther closed her eyes and took a deep, calming breath. Her body relaxed only slightly, the cold steel against her skin didn’t allow for more. 

She took her first unsteady step forward, and kept walking, descending the stairs near their door while gradually gaining speed. Straying away from the house after a very long time was nerve wrecking as if the anxiety of what she was about to do wasn’t enough. From the outside, she looked like an ordinary Underground kid walking around aimlessly, maybe looking for a middle class resident to beg for money and food; but on the inside she was an about-to-be thief with Levi’s knife at her waist. In a way, she already became one by taking the weapon without asking for permission, and she knew he would never give it to her under any circumstances. 

She felt guilty for her actions, but it was going to be worth it. When she’d come home with her little pockets full of money, they would understand. They would love her again, and they would never let her go. They’d see her worth and capability, maybe they’d even bring her to jobs after all. 

She still remembered the route to the orphanage quite well, and even if she didn’t want to see that building ever again, she knew it was in the middle of the city centre. It would be full of people from poor to rich, young to old and all in the form of a target she could steal from. 

Her steps carried her through familiar alleyways and tight roads. Buildings started to increase in number as her legs began to get tired and the noises of hustle and bustle of the centre got louder. Street lamps were frequent, and the flaws of the paintings on the buildings with the careless placement of the cobblestones became more visible than it was in the slums. Most of the shops were closed as it was late at night, some corner restaurants were open. 

Esther saw a bistro named The Three Dogs that Levi mentioned before, it must’ve been where he ordered their food the other night. She paused in front of the glass display that allowed her to see the two tables inside. Both were occupied as the customers ate their dinner while having a conversation. Their half eaten plates looked delicious, she could even smell them. 

She wondered if Levi was still cooking. It was unclear how much time had passed, and she didn’t have a pocket watch. Even if she did, she probably wouldn’t be able to read it anyway. 

“Hey! What are you looking at?” An aggressive man suddenly appeared at the door, causing her to jump in surprise. “We don’t have any food to waste, get lost!” 

Her shoulders tensed when he waved a cautionary hand at her, motioning her to scram. 

She didn’t hesitate, and left the premises before causing any trouble and attracting unnecessary attention. Furlan would always warn Isabel to never catch the eyes of the onlookers. They might create unwanted problems and they might even follow her to their home, which would be less than ideal. 

She continued on her way, accidentally bumping into people and apologising only to receive scoffs and impatient curses. Homeless people starving on cardboards watched her pass by with empty eyes. She didn’t know where she was going. She came all that way, and she didn’t even know what to look for. How did Levi, Furlan or Isabel pick their targets? What would they look for? Someone who looked rich? They’d always discuss some noble names before a big job. A merchant? There was none, it was late. Shop owners scared her, she didn’t want to enter a building. What if she got caught and couldn’t get out? No, she needed a solo by-passer who wouldn’t give her any trouble. 

On her mission to blend in, she put her hands in her pockets and moved forward while keeping an eye out for a target. She could feel the tip of the knife with her finger through the fabric. It made her shudder, and she just wished her heart would stop beating so violently. She wasn’t going to use it. She couldn’t. It was just for protection and to threaten. She would never hurt anyone.

After a short while, a familiar building came into view in a quieter area. The surrounding buildings were homes with their oil lamps off, and at the end of the road stood the prison that turned her life into a temporary hell. 

The orphanage didn’t change a bit over the months. The same run-down building with crumbling walls and planks covering the windows. Not a single sound of a child’s laughter. All the lights were turned off for bedtime, but even if they were on, it would be hard to see through the barriers. 

Esther felt herself shrinking as she stood before the building, which seemed to grow bigger and bigger in her eyes. It was fear, and it was the trepidation of being forced to leave her found home. Nothing could stop the shaking of her hands. She asked Levi if he didn’t love her anymore, and he refused to answer. She had to fix it.

A scream that was cut short startled her, making her look away from the sinister building.

“Shut the fuck up!” Someone warned, the voice was way too close than Esther would have preferred. “Take off that necklace.” He said next, calmer and quieter. 

Curious, Esther approached the source of the voice. It was coming not too far from the gates of the orphanage. Two houses were built close together, and the unused ground floors made way to an isolated alley with a dead end. It was dark, broken street lamps could barely reach out a helping hand. 

Esther hid behind the wall at the alley entrance, afraid of being spotted. With half of her face sticking out, she saw the figure of a man and a cornered woman trembling in fear. Her whimpers couldn’t be silenced even with the man’s rough hand. Tears glistened in her eyes, the ones on her cheeks didn’t get the chance to dry as they slid down.

“Are you deaf?” The man asked, trying to be calm but the strain in his voice was a concealed warning. 

The woman reached for her nape, her hands shaking nonstop. The necklace around her neck had a beautiful shine to it, the golden chain put sparkles to the man’s eyes. At the end was a breathtaking ruby, the gemstone shaped into an elegant ellipse, four golden hooks protecting it. 

“Now where did you get this?” The man asked, eagerly taking the jewellery from her hands. 

She was shaking like a leaf, and his unsettling laugh didn’t help calm her down. She mumbled something beneath his hand, and he gave her a stern warning not to scream as he lifted the barrier preventing her from releasing a sound.

“It’s- It’s a family h-heirloom.” The woman explained, stuttering in fear. 

It was the worst thing that could happen to anyone, being a prey in the Underground. Who would even stop to help? Even if Military Police were present, they’d look elsewhere as long as the criminals weren’t a nuisance to them. 

“Is that so?” The man lifted the gemstone up with his two fingers, trying to see it under the light. It was an unsuccessful attempt, but even the lack of light couldn’t diminish its beauty. “Well, it’s mine now, isn’t it?” 

“Y-yes.” She replied quickly, wishing nothing but to be set free. 

Through the fear and the tears, she didn’t seem hopeful at all, especially when her hunter’s eyes fell on her once again. They didn’t bore friendliness or kindness. The wicked smile on his face and the display of unhealthy teeth sent a shudder down her spine. She was frozen, and she didn’t even think to do something about his rising hand, about to touch her cheek in a deceitful gentleness.

“Leave her alone.” Another voice came from behind him, causing his movement to come to a halt. The woman’s eyes widened, and she released a shaky breath. It was a child’s voice.

Esther knew who the man was before she even stepped into the alleyway. She recognised his voice all too well. The voice of the same leech as Levi would call, the one that came to their door and threw empty threats at them. Carlos, she remembered his name. And if Furlan was here, he’d give the man a mocking warning from afar before Levi hurled himself at him. Isabel would not shy away from shouting her own list of threats and curses, and so Esther knew watching it unfold without intervening couldn’t be an option for her either.

And there she was, standing behind Carlos with Levi’s knife clutched in her trembling hand, the tip pressed against his spine. Her throat felt dry, she couldn’t gulp. Her mouth didn’t even produce saliva anymore, and she found it hard to breathe. She wondered if it always felt like this; holding someone’s fear of getting hurt, fear of death in the palm of her hand. 

The knife felt heavy, and she was afraid. She was more afraid than the man at the end of the weapon. In the span of a few seconds, she just feared and wondered. Did her mama’s murderer feel the same as well? Did Levi ever? She was holding his knife. Did his hands ever tremble while holding the very same weapon?

“Or what?” The man turned around, the initial panic of feeling the blade against his back vanished into thin air after Esther revealed her young voice. 

His eyes were mocking, and she felt her breath catch under the familiar eerie smile. She didn’t ever want to see him again. She didn’t want to be there, all alone with a knife she didn’t even know how to use in her hand. She wanted to go back home, run away while pathetically screaming Levi’s name. But it was useless. She was there, she was standing her ground and she was saving that poor lady. She was being brave. Carlos was alone, and there were two of them, one of them holding a deadly weapon. Surely they could handle him. 

“You’ll die.” Esther answered, trying her best to keep her voice from shaking. 

Her grip around the handle tightened. The threat felt wrong coming from her lips, didn’t roll quite right on her tongue. She didn’t believe she could kill him either, she couldn’t even entertain the possibility. 

What am I doing? A voice in her brain screamed in terror. What am I doing? What am I doing!?

Carlos examined her with a growing frown. His smile disappeared slowly, and he leaned down to get a clear view of her face. The squeaking of his ugly jacket, quite possibly stolen, as it rubbed together was the only sound in the alley. A pin drop could startle Esther. He didn’t even care about the knife pointed at him as he closed the distance between their faces. He was doing such a great job at making her feel powerless even when she had the advantage. 

“I know you,” He mumbled in thought, his warm breath hitting her face. The smell of alcohol and cigarettes made her cringe, and she held her breath. “You’re the brat I saw at those bastards’ place.”

Esther fought the urge to take a step back. The scar on his face was unsettling, especially after Levi made it worse. The muscles in her legs were so tightened that her knees could pop out of their sockets. She couldn’t make eye contact, she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t move. 

She looked over Carlos’ shoulder and at the lady he was terrorising. It was like looking into a mirror, she didn’t look in a better condition than Esther. She was worse. Her tears never stopped pouring down her face, and she seemed like she wished for the wall behind her to swallow her whole. 

“Did they send you after me, huh?” He asked, all the humour and disturbing lightness gone from his voice. His snarl looked hostile, and he almost looked offended at the thought. They didn’t even bother to show up themselves. All he got was a trembling little girl. 

“No,” She answered immediately. She did not want any danger coming to them because of her. “I just want you to leave her alone.” 

Carlos raised a brow. If she could, she would wear a proud expression for speaking without stuttering. 

Esther gulped and felt the discomfort of her dry throat before adding, “And give me the necklace.” 

That was a risky yet brave bargain she was making. A bargain to help the lady and to get something for Levi and Furlan without causing more trouble than she already had. But she was no gambler, and Carlos only laughed in her face at her audacious demands. 

She adjusted her sweaty grip on the knife. What are they doing now? She wondered as another wave of revolting smell hit her nostrils. Levi was probably done with the cooking. She wondered if they checked the rooftop yet. What if they haven’t? What if they had? They didn’t know where she was. She couldn’t be found, and this was on her. She made the decision to throw herself into the lion’s den and she was responsible for her decision. The lady behind Carlos wasn’t going to help her. She couldn’t even help herself, they were the same useless victims at his mercy, and mercy didn’t sound like his cup of tea.

Esther’s thoughts scattered around when she felt a sharp pain in her cheek. She heard the clinking of the fallen knife and felt the harsh stones cutting her palms before she realised what had happened. 

Carlos slapped her, her cheek throbbing immediately after the forceful impact. He blocked the light coming from the entrance of the alleyway by stepping forward. 

Esther looked up, her hands feeling solid as stone as they rested on the ground, supporting her fallen body. She couldn’t process the speed of her heartbeat. Her chest felt like it was convulsing from the violent hits her rib cage received from her heart. 

“You know, I’ve been waiting to get back at them for so long. You shouldn’t have come after me, little one.” Carlos snickered, enjoying himself way too much. Enjoying the power he had with the knowledge of the lack of retribution.

Esther saw a movement in her peripheral vision. It was the woman she wanted to save, and she was running away without looking back. She was leaving her behind just to save her own skin. Esther released a shaky breath, panic flowing through her veins and blurring her thought process. She wanted to yell after her, Wait! 

She couldn’t even figure out if she regretted helping the lady or if she was glad she was able to get away, even if it meant her own suffering. She barely had any time to think her decision over.

A kick in the face caused her sight to black out, and she felt herself rolling onto her back upon the impact. She didn’t know if the momentary yelp belonged to her or someone else. 

She felt something sliding down her cheek to her ear. Her fingertips touched the foreign liquid and she raised her hand to inspect it. The stars on the ceiling blinked at her, helped her see a burgundy colour staining her skin. It was her own blood. 

She whimpered at the sight, and didn’t have time to recover before Carlos appeared in her vision, grabbing her from the collar of her shirt and pulling her torso up.

“What did they tell you to do? Kill me? Steal from me?” He demanded, ignoring the involuntary tears gathering in her frightened eyes. 

He didn’t see her as an innocent child. It was doubtful that he even cared about her age or her intentions. His morals were dependant on the two men he called his old partners, and Esther was nothing but a stepping stone at getting his revenge. They played him, they didn’t pay him right, and they had the audacity to make a fool out of him when he knocked on their door with nothing but good intentions of having a friendly chat. But it was Levi and Furlan, and they always saw themselves above anyone else. They were the leeches of this city, not him, and they were the ones that needed getting rid of. 

“They didn’t send me, I swear!” She replied, the only reason her voice was coming out was because of the adrenaline pushing her body to function, keeping her head straight. 

She could see the shine of Levi’s knife on the floor where it slipped from her grasp from the corner of her eye. It was calling to her, her hand twitching to reach for it as a voice in her brain kept screaming and screaming at her to do something. Her heart tried to keep up with the violent storm in her body, and she almost cried in relief when her fingertips touched the handle of the knife.

“You think I’m stupid? You think I’m-“ Carlos shook her body as his voice was raised in anger, yet his outburst was cut off by the slash he felt on his face, right where his scar was. Right where Levi reopened the dead tissues. It was right there that she left her mark, and felt his grip abandon her collar. 

She immediately pushed herself backwards against the wall while Carlos let out a pained shout, covering his wound as if a touch could ease his pain away. Esther noticed the mark beneath his knuckles from when Levi pinned his hand to the doorframe with the very same knife she was holding. She held the weapon up, her shaking hand ready to strike again in case of danger. The hilt was upside down, and the sharp edge was looking outward as the blood-leaking tip and the flat spine stood parallel with her forearm. 

Esther noticed the necklace fall from his hands after she cut open his scar. She hurried to grab it, forgetting the stance she took against the wall and crawling on the floor in a moment of panic and greed. 

“You little bitch!” Carlos shouted, giving a cruel kick to her stomach, sending her flying back once again. The knife rolled away from her, and she cried both in pain and at the loss of her only weapon. 

She felt her breathing stop momentarily upon the hit and gasping on the ground didn’t give her any advantage over the man that was ten times bigger than her size. 

He approached, his steps heavy and full of rage, and he kicked her once again out of spite. The pain he caused made her curl into herself, an instinctive move to protect her body. Her attempts were futile, because she was fragile. Levi was right. She was weak, she was naïve, she was stupid and she couldn’t handle herself. 

She wanted to go home. I promise I won’t upset them anymore. I’ll do anything they want me to do, I promise. I promise. I promise. I want to go home. Please let me go home. She prayed and she prayed, not knowing if there was someone out there listening to her, but she prayed nonetheless.

“I’m sick of all of you.” Carlos mumbled, the blood leaking from his wound gathering on his lips. His pitch was higher due to pain, yet he wasn’t done with her. 

His leg moved again while he braced himself with the other one, and Esther shut her eyes as soon as she realised he was getting ready to deliver another kick. She expected it, and she waited for it with her arms tucked between her bent legs and chest. 

Nothing touched her. It was all silent for a blissful moment. The ringing in her ears was the only thing letting her know that she was still very much alive and awake. She parted her eyes that were squeezed shut, the little movement hesitant and unsure. 

Carlos was standing above her still, a surprised look on his face as his eyes widened. There was a knife sticking out from his waist, and a hand gripping it tightly. Blood dripped on the cobblestones before her eyes, the sight all too familiar. 

The knife was pulled out and stabbed into his armpit in the blink of an eye, Carlos didn’t even have time to react in any way. Esther felt wet drops hitting her curled up form. She felt them on her face. She felt them everywhere, as the knife was pulled out again and Carlos was hurled back, away from her. The figure that sneaked up on him was standing before her as Carlos laid on the cold ground, helpless and alone, just like she was. 

A jolt was sent to her brain when she saw Levi, and a relieved tear fell from her eye as if it was waiting for this moment, before it dropped onto the floor. It was the purity among the bloodbath in the alleyway. 

Levi placed a foot on the other side of Carlos’ hips, his boots stained in blood. He crouched down to straddle him, his movements calm and not hurried at all. Esther didn’t see much from where she was laying down in the form of a trembling ball, but she heard. She heard the hits landing on Carlos as he released grunts of pain whenever he could find a gap from the endless blows he was receiving. 

Levi was quiet. Levi was ruthless and Levi was merciless, treating him like he deserved to be treated. His arms wouldn’t get tired, and his knuckles wouldn’t hurt. Even when Carlos’ face turned unrecognisable, the fire in Levi’s eyes didn’t burn out. Those eyes were glazed over, and he only stopped to grab his collar like he did to Esther. 

“Is this what you stooped down to? Beating up little girls?” Levi asked, bringing his face closer to address him directly. 

It was doubtful if Carlos could actually see him through the blood, or hear him from the buzzing in his ears. Levi didn’t seem to care. His bloody knuckles stained the collar of his shirt. He didn’t care much about that either. 

He stood up, hair disheveled, and kicked him in the face again and again until he laid limp on the ground. It was addiction in dynamic form. Levi didn’t look like he wanted to stop. His fingers curled with greed, and the blood on his knife begged for more.

Esther didn’t move a muscle as Levi released his rage as if it was caged up for a long time. She didn’t think she could move even if she wanted to. Her muscles hurt, the hits she took ached and all she could do was let her tears fall with occasional sniffing, which sent the taste of iron down her throat. 

It was hard to breathe. Crying was painful, and inhaling air was torture. Her hair was sprawled over the ground around her head like a halo, a few strands falling over her eyes and partially blocking her sight. Still, she noticed the sudden silence except for approaching footsteps, and she saw Levi’s stained boots stop right in front of her. The footprints he left followed him everywhere. It was a mess, and it was all because of her. 

She awaited his wrath, she expected him to berate her and yell at her and then walk away, leaving her there with nothing but her wounds. 

What she felt was the complete opposite. Gentle fingers touched her forehead, startling her at first. He moved the wisps of hair away from her eyes, slowly, and the trace he left on her temple sent a wave of comfort through her body. 

She looked up, even the movement of her eyes were tired and weak. Her face was bare before Levi, and he could see the bruises and blood on her skin with nothing to hide them. The silent tears flowing from her eyes were the worst of it, and he knew he would never not despise it. 

His face remained deadpan, and seeing him look at her with no sympathy in that situation broke her heart. It was the last blow she needed before her lips trembled. 

She looked down immediately, a grimace on her face as she tried to hide herself.

“Get up.” Levi ordered, pulling his hand away. 

Esther wanted to protest, she wanted him to do it again, to caress her hair so she could delve into warmth and comfort for a little while longer.

He wouldn’t though, she knew. So she obeyed, and she tried to move, but it felt like her muscles were turned into stone. The bruise forming on her stomach protested against the strain, and she fell back down before being able to rise.

“I can’t. I’m sorry.” She gave up, her throat sore. Her voice fought to make it outside, and her apology went ignored. They both knew it wasn’t because she couldn’t get up.

In a moment, she felt herself rise from the ground as Levi carefully lifted her with one arm supporting her back while the other carried her legs. 

From higher ground than where she was a moment ago, the scene was uncomfortably clear. Carlos laid near a dumpster with his face bloody and unrecognisable. His stab wounds formed a pool of blood around him. Esther didn’t see his chest move with the intake of a breath. 

She closed her eyes, her head feeling heavy before it fell on Levi’s shoulder. Oh, how familiar the bloodbath was. Why was she remembering her mama’s cold skin now? Her pale face, her blood staining the ground. That could be her. If it wasn’t for Levi, that would be her. She was so weak. Fragile. Useless.

“You have no idea how stupid you are.” Levi spat under his breath, his steps quick as he carried her away from the alleyway. She was, indeed, stupid on top of the other things.

“Levi,“ She whimpered, her shoulders tensing with sobs she had to keep in a cage to prevent them from hurting her. They were restless, barely contained.

“Shut up.” 

“I’m so sorry–“

“I said shut up.” He interrupted her attempted apology, his voice sharp and harsh. 

Esther didn’t make a sound after that. He overcame his initial anger in silence and she let him carry her back home through the usual deserted alleyways he preferred, especially now with both of them covered in dirt and blood. Her fists stayed pressed against her chest all the way home. Burgundy footprints came to a halt at one point, unlike Esther’s tears.

༻✿༺

It felt like entering the gates of heaven when Levi brought her back home, his arms firm and secure around her bruising body. He kicked the door close, locking the nightmare of a night outside, preventing it from following them in.

Furlan and Isabel were having dinner, talking amongst each other. The smell of tomato soup reached Esther’s nostrils, causing them to flare eagerly. It was so warm, so inviting that she could almost taste it. 

Oblivious to what Esther went through while Isabel and Furlan were safe and sound, they didn’t expect Levi to suddenly carry her inside like a wounded animal. Scratch of their chairs against the floorboards made her cringe, both because of the noise and… Well, she knew what was coming.

“What the hell happened?” Furlan asked, taken aback by the sight. Isabel didn’t look any different than him. 

Staggered, they approached as Levi lowered Esther onto the couch.

“Why don’t you ask her?” He replied brusquely, never taking his eyes off of her. 

His careful inspection had already started. He took in every single drop of blood on her, and the bruises forming along with swelling. Shadows fell over his eyes, and even though she felt so small under his gaze, Esther momentarily forgot about her injuries. 

She looked down at her clothes and the pristine couch in discomfort, blinking away the dry tears gathered around the corner of her eyes.

“I’m dirty.” She sniffed, tugging at her bloodstained shirt with one hand. She attempted to stand up in order to not taint the furniture, but Levi prevented that by placing a hand on her shoulder.

“What the fuck was that? What were you thinking?” He questioned, and by the looks of it he wasn’t going to bother with babying her into talking. He had the right to be angry. If it wasn’t for him, she’d be beaten to death. As simple and cruel as that, and they both knew it. 

Esther looked down at the floor, flinching at his unforgiving tone as the three of them stood before her, trapping her in until she gave an explanation and eased their worries away.

“How did you find me?” She asked instead, her voice quiet and ashamed. 

Her eyes burned because of the mistake she made. On her attempt to make them appreciate her, she achieved the complete opposite. They most likely hated her now. She brought nothing but trouble and now she was staining the couch on top of everything. 

“I followed you, idiot. I saw you leaving from the window.” Even though Levi’s voice sounded calm and his face remained passive, she could feel the anger behind them. She could see it in his eyes if she dared to look up. 

She’d feel stupid for not checking the window while leaving to see if any of them were watching her, but she couldn’t dare regret that lack of thought. That was the only reason Levi was able to rescue her, and she was glad for the absence of her awareness for once.

“Levi, what happened?” Furlan asked again,  curious and worried. He couldn’t take his eyes off of the bloody mess that she was. It wasn’t difficult to imagine something as brutal as that happening to a kid out there in the city, and simply carrying the knowledge was cruel enough, but it was harder to accept seeing Esther in such a state. She had the purest soul he’d ever come across, and there wasn’t a single reason that could explain why she deserved any of it. 

Furlan would feel the burning flame of anger, the urge to find out who hurt her just to satisfy the hunger for retribution, if it wasn’t for Levi’s bruised knuckles. He had no doubt in his mind that the guilty had been served agony. 

Levi told them about the scene he found her in, not sparing a detail. Esther tried to block it out. She didn’t want to remember and see the horror flash before her eyes, not that soon. She caught the smell of the soup Levi was making before she left. Again. 

Oh, how hungry she was. If only she hadn’t left. They could be eating together at the table. She could be listening to them have a chat amongst each other. Instead, she was rightfully getting scolded as the three of them surrounded her. She did deserve it, but she didn’t want to face the disappointment in their eyes. 

“Esther.” Furlan’s voice was gentle, understanding even though he failed to grasp the reason of her actions. But he was more agreeable than Levi, and he managed to make Esther look up. 

They witnessed the tears gathering in her eyes, and the pursing of her lips as she tried to bury her emotional outburst deep down. 

He moved to sit next to her, the couch dipping and causing her to lean sideways. She didn’t feel as intimidated to answer him while he was sitting so casually like that, right next to her with his elbows on his knees. His fingers, though, were interlocked in a serious manner.

“Why don’t you tell us why you left?” He suggested, always so calm and understanding with her, never demanding. 

Esther felt free to find serenity in it. The silence that followed it was almost peaceful enough to stop the blur before her eyes. It was clearer when the oil lamp was placed so close to her on the low table, that the edges of her pupils became lighter while her tears were present, fighting to overtake the honey brown. 

She squeezed her closed fist, and released a shaky breath.

“I wanted…” She started, but ended up gulping down her words instead. How could she explain it without sounding foolish like she did on the rooftop? 

The sigh that left Levi’s mouth caught her attention, and she knew his patience was running out.

“The sooner you start talking the sooner we can get this over with. Why did you take my knife?” He asked in a colder manner than Furlan. 

She knew he was mad at her, she knew all of them were. Isabel was never that quiet, perhaps she didn’t have anything left to say to her anymore. Unfortunately, having that knowledge didn’t make her feel any better.

“To defend myself. And to… to scare someone. I never wanted to hurt anyone, I swear! I couldn’t–“ A sob cut her explanation in half, and the dam was full to the brim once again and her body was working hard to empty it. 

She wept on the couch with uncomfortable shaking of her body, and it hurt so much in every way. Her muscles protested, even her bones gave their support. She wanted it to be a bad dream that she’d wake up from any minute in Levi’s room. He’d be sitting at his desk, reading under the soft glow of his lamp. Or maybe he’d be attempting to catch some sleep in his armchair, and he wouldn’t spare her a glance before pointing out that she was having a nightmare. That would be his only consolation, and she’d be wrapped up in the warmth of the covers for the rest of the night. 

Instead, she was crying with her fists pressing down on her lap, nails digging into her skin uncontrollably. She couldn’t stand it, their watchful eyes on her as she sat there all by herself. She wanted– she needed one of them, any of them to lend her a touch of comfort. Oh, how she missed Levi’s hand caressing her hair away as she laid on the cold hard ground. She needed more of it, desperately.

“Why did you think you needed to defend yourself?” Furlan asked as her sniffs fought to keep her emotions in. His words were quiet yet firm, careful not to break her but still aware of the severity of the situation. “And why did you lie about the rooftop? What if we never found you?” 

“I’m sorry,” She sniffed, meaning it right to her core. She was sorry, she regretted it, please don’t leave me. “I only w-wanted to help you.”

“Help us?” Furlan frowned, making an effort to understand her but coming up short with the insufficient information she was keen on giving. 

Esther wiped her eyes with one hand while the other rested on her lap, her fingers still curled into a fist. The object inside had been digging into her already bruised palm. The cuts she received from the cobblestones after the first slap protested in pain. 

She relaxed her fingers instead of giving a verbal answer, and the golden necklace was revealed with all its beauty. Safe and far from any damage with the protective cage of her small fingers, it reflected on all of their gazes. The ruby was peeking through the folded sparkling chain, and Esther regretted not being able to prevent it from getting stained red. 

The room fell silent as they looked at the necklace she carried, none of them showing enough reaction to extinguish Esther’s smouldering anxiety. Isabel appeared saddened, not happy or excited to see the jewellery, and the two men stared in silence, thoughts she couldn’t read running behind their stern eyes. 

Esther’s shoulders dropped at their lack of reaction. They didn’t like it. She failed before she even began. 

“All that for a necklace.” Levi broke the silence, his half lidded eyes locked on her open palm. Esther didn’t want to hear the disappointment in his voice, or witness the dullness of his reaction, but they were there and they were real. 

He turned away from her without saying or asking anything else, and he might just as well have ripped her heart out and stepped on it. It might’ve been easier to deal with.

She sat there on the couch, jewellery in hand and lips parted in disbelief, and she watched him walk away with eyes widened in bewilderment.

“I just wanted to help,” She said after him, her voice sounding broken and small. “I wanted to be useful. I wanted you to love me and never send me away, because I love all of you more than anything. You’re my family. I only want to stay with you.”

Levi paused by the doorway. His clothes felt disgusting, tainted with Carlos’ filthy blood and the dirt brought by Esther’s clothes. Her words sent painful clutches to his shoulder blades, preventing him from walking further away. Her pleas hung in the air as he shrugged them off, the door of his room awaiting.

“Levi!” Esther jumped down from the couch, wanting to go after him. “I’m sorry! I won’t do it again, I promise-!” The door was shut before she could take a step forward, before she could finish her promises, and she wanted to do nothing but cry while stomping her feet.

“Furlan,” She turned to him, pleas already waiting in a row on her tongue. He sat in the same position, only now his head was hanging and his eyes were on his interlocked hands. His thoughtful gaze remained glazed over, and Esther doubted he could even hear her. Still, she begged, as there was nothing else for her to do. “Please don’t send me away, p-please! I won’t ever do it again, I’ll never leave the house! I’ll never lie again-!”

“Esther.” Isabel interrupted her uncontrollable sobs, her painful stammering that she tried to hide in order to get as many pleas out as possible. 

Esther looked at her, expectant and hopeful, as Isabel kneeled in front of her. With their faces at the same level, Esther could see her beautiful green eyes looking at her, almost smiling at her. They were filled with sympathy, giving the little girl a ray of hope. 

Esther felt her gentle hands on her arms, rubbing as if trying to warm her up and calm her down. 

“Isabel-“ She choked, tears streaming down freely. The name carried a thousand apologies.

“I think we should clean you up first, don’t you agree?” Isabel suggested before Esther could direct her set of regrets and promises at her. 

She grabbed the necklace from her trembling hands and placed it on the low table nearby, a bloody gem that brought nothing but pain and misery. Furlan’s eyes fell to it as Isabel guided Esther towards the bathroom.

“A warm bath makes everything better, that’s what I always say!” Isabel chirped, turning on the water while gaining her usual enthusiasm back. 

Esther sat on the closed lid of the toilet, hands playing with the soiled hem of her shirt. Her finger got caught in a tear.

“You never said that.” She murmured in reply, her tears slowing down. Isabel was successfully distracting her from the issue at hand.

“Really? I swear I must’ve said it before.” Isabel frowned in thought, glancing at the warm water gather in the tub. 

She cleaned Esther’s wounds in the meanwhile, got rid of the dried blood on her face that was supplied by her nose. The corner of her lip was red and swollen, as well as her cheekbone. Blood was collected beneath her skin, which would soon turn into a nasty purple. 

Taking off her shirt revealed a worse kind of scenario. Her whole stomach was flushed red, and for a moment Isabel feared she’d been carrying a broken rib cage. Her inspections only gave her a slight discomfort, resulting in Esther pushing her hands away. Isabel reassured her, said it was important to check, and she was relieved to feel her bones in one piece with not a severe reaction from her. The cuts in her palms were cleaned before Esther found herself surrounded by warm water and more bubbles than she’d ever seen before. 

“We shouldn’t waste the shampoo.” She warned, cautious of the amount Isabel put on her hair.

“Why not? We can buy as many shampoos as we want with the necklace you brought.”

Esther looked at her in surprise. She was kneeling beside the tub, leaning forward to wash the dirt off her hair.

“How many?” 

“I don’t know,” Isabel shrugged. “Probably a thousand.” 

“A thousand!?” Esther gasped, the number was way too big for her current knowledge and imagination. “We could probably clean the whole city!” 

“Hah! And even that wouldn’t be enough to get rid of the smell.” Isabel joked, almost managing to make Esther smile too, but the curve of her lips was flattened far too soon. 

It was strange to see her void of happiness and excitement. It was strange to see her cry in misery, beg to be loved and to be accepted as if she wasn’t already.

Isabel abandoned the bottle of natural mixture of herbs and rubbed her body with her bar of soap. Esther winced at certain areas, uncomfortable with the rough edges of the soap.

“Come on, you’re a big girl. Surely a soap can’t hurt you?” Isabel joked with an attempt to take her mind from it, gathering bubbles on her finger and wiping it off on her nose.

“I’m not a big girl.” Esther wrinkled her nose, letting Isabel wash her left arm.

“Yes, you are. You couldn’t have done what you did today if you weren’t,” Isabel commented, leaning forward and lowering her voice. “It was brave of you, it really was, but also stupid.”

Esther looked down at the bubbles around her, the ones on her nose tingling her skin. Something was heavy on her chest, and there was no amount of bubbles in the world to clean and rinse it off.

“Levi said so too. That I’m stupid. He says I’m weak and fragile. He wishes he never brought me here in the first place-“

“That’s not true,” Isabel interrupted, turning Esther’s face towards her with a finger under her chin. “Big brother cares about you so much, can’t you see? He won’t let you come with us because he’s protecting you. It’s dangerous out there, you know that. Why do you think he followed you today? And Furlan is always thinking of you, bringing you gifts and telling you stories. He used to listen to you read before you stopped, remember?”

Esther listened with utmost attention, part of her still disbelieving while the other half soaked in her words with need. 

“What about you?” She asked, averting her eyes insecurely. 

“And I bring you all the butterfly clips I can find because they make you so happy, and when you’re happy, I’m happy. Because I love you too.”

Esther stilled, and it felt like the water stilled with her. The bubbles stood at attention and Isabel’s friendly smile was too genuine for her words to be a lie. 

Esther’s eyes widened, and her pupils widened along with it. A shaky breath left her parted lips as she tasted the feeling of being loved for the first time in her life. 

“You do?” She asked, just to be sure. She didn’t realise how needy her voice sounded, and she didn’t care either. She was hungry for it, it was a taste she never had the luxury to experience but desperately yearned for anyway. And it was the most miraculous feeling in the whole world.

“Of course. You’re my little sister. And I don’t want you to come out with us on jobs either because I want you to be safe. That doesn’t mean I don’t want you here.” Isabel explained, hoping it made sense in her mind and enlightened Levi and Furlan’s behaviour towards her regarding the outside world. 

Esther didn’t care about the logic behind it, the word sister rang in her ear. Her eyes burned out of happiness for the first time that night, and she quickly looked down to hide it. Her shoulders were instinctively raised, everything about her turned shy and timid. She sat in silence for the remainder of her bath, Isabel helping her out with utmost care. She wrapped Esther in a soft towel and let her sit on the toilet lid as she left to bring her something clean to wear.

“Isabel,” Esther made the redhead stop by the door. “I’m happy that I’m your little sister.” 

Isabel’s hand paused at the door handle, almost turning limp at her sweet display of gratitude, and her insides melted at the sight of her bundled up in a towel twice the size of her. 

“So am I.” She replied, leaving her alone for a short while. 

She came back holding a clean shirt, explaining Furlan let her borrow it. She said they could buy her an expensive nightgown with the necklace she brought. She said she could buy anything that she wanted.

“I don’t want anything. It’s for you.” Esther shrugged, accepting Isabel’s help to dress her. 

Isabel buttoned up the shirt while Esther placed a smaller towel around her shoulders, shielding her back from her wet hair. 

“That’s too expensive of a gift, Esther.”

“But I didn’t pay for it. Besides, it’ll help us go upstairs quicker.” She explained, watching Isabel reach for a hairbrush from the cabinet. 

Esther turned around, letting her untangle the mess on her head.

“What do you want to see the most when you go upstairs?” Isabel asked. Esther didn’t even think for a second.

“Flowers! I want to see a big flower garden!” 

Isabel didn’t know why she even bothered to ask.

“What do you want to see?” Esther returned the question, slightly turning her head to look at her over her shoulder.

“I’m not sure. There are lots of things I’d like to see,” Isabel shrugged in thought. “I’d like to see birds soaring into the air. I hear doves are very pretty.” 

“What about the stars?” 

“The stars too. And the moon.”

“And the sun?”

“That too.”

“Oh! And a rainbow?”

“Yes, but we need to see the rain first.” Isabel finished brushing her hair, and put the brush back onto the shelf before closing the cabinet door. The mirror on it came into view then, and Esther suddenly wondered what she looked like. Her face must’ve been swollen, she could still feel the sting and the tingling of her nerves.

“Can I see myself?” She asked, raising her arms and making her intensions clear. And who was Isabel to tell her no? 

She grabbed her from her armpits, secured her against her hip and wrapped an arm around her waist. Esther managed not to wince at the strain on her torso.

“Oof, you’ve gotten so big. Soon you’ll be taller than Levi and heavier than Furlan.” Isabel joked, even though Esther practically weighed nothing and that she was still as short as a sapling.

Esther didn’t reply, her eyes were locked on her reflection, the bruises on her face stared back in hostility. They were horrendous, and she feared they’d only get worse. She still remembered the state Isabel was in when she came in all beaten up and bruised. They turned purple the next day before displaying a rotten green and yellow. The thought made her heart race in agitation, and looking at herself somehow made her wounds hurt even more.

“They will be healed and gone before you even realise it, don’t you worry.” Isabel reassured, witnessing the alarm in her eyes. 

Esther shook her head, unconvinced. 

“I look so ugly.” She murmured, eventually averting her eyes. The sink below the mirrored cabinet was suddenly more interesting to look at. 

It wasn’t like Esther cared much about her appearance, but the source of her bruises would remind her of the gruesome night she’d had every time she’d look at herself, and she wasn’t sure if she could bear the sight of her own face anymore.

“That’s not true at all,” Isabel frowned, her expression exaggerated as she scolded at her statement. “Look, the bruise on your cheek looks a lot like a petal, doesn’t it?” 

Esther looked up at the mirror again, reluctant yet curious. The skin on her cheekbone displayed an oval redness, stretching towards the corner of her eye. 

“A little.” 

“Mm-hmm. You’re an actual little flower now.” Isabel stated, gently tapping the tip of Esther’s nose in a show of affection. 

For a moment, Esther managed to not see the redness on her cheek as an ugly remainder of what happened. Her eyes fell to her swollen bottom lip. She turned to look at Isabel with a shy smile, her pigtails tickling Esther’s face.

“And my lip is swollen because a bee tried to draw honey from me.” She played along, and Isabel’s eyes sparkled fondly.

“And your hair is wet because it rained.”

“I’m going to grow so big now.” Esther giggled, the sound cleansing the place of the unwanted gloomy atmosphere. She didn’t think of the thin walls of their home in that moment, and that Furlan and Levi could hear their little conversations no matter where they were. 

Levi, now sitting in clean clothes, wiped the blood from his knife as he listened. His hair fell over his eyes, and he was unseeing as he unnecessarily and repeatedly rubbed the same spot while they left the bathroom. He heard Isabel feed her the soup he made, now most likely gone cold. 

Esther’s hesitant voice suddenly sounded too close, and the movement of his hand came to a halt. 

“Can I sleep with you?” She asked Isabel. “I don’t think he wants me in there.”

Isabel denied her assumptions just like she’d been doing from the start of their conversation. She encouraged her to knock on the door, told her if she was brave enough to fight a man she shouldn’t be afraid of sleeping in Levi’s room. 

Levi scoffed at that, half of him expecting Esther to protest a bit more, but a weak knock on his door proved him wrong. 

A brief sound of invitation made her send a glance at Isabel, who encouraged her to walk in. 

Esther didn’t open the door wide enough, she squeezed in through the little gap she created as if she was trying not to be seen, not to disturb him. Levi put on the display of a stony expression, vacant of any emotion as usual. 

Esther closed the door, slowly and quietly, but decided not to go in any further. She stood still with her back against it, her shoulder touching the side of his desk. The necklace was clutched in her hand again, her damp hair sticking to her scalp and neck. One of her bare feet was nervously stepping on the other one, her bent knee swaying from side to side. 

Sensing Levi’s eyes on her, she looked up from the knife he was cleaning.

“Are you going to stand there the whole night?” He asked, making another round of examination on her face. Her injuries wouldn’t go away anytime soon, but she looked clean and better without all the blood staining her face and clothes.

Esther showed a sign of movement, and walked towards the bed. Her bandana was folded on the bedside table, her book placed near it. She was glad she didn’t wear the white fabric around her neck when she went out. It would’ve soaked in blood and she did not want to have to throw it away. It was important to her.

“I’m sorry I took your knife.” She sat on the bed, not wanting the uncomfortable silence to dominate the room. 

Her legs dangled off the edge. Levi stared at the weapon, his discoloured cloth in his other hand as he sat unmoving. Her voice was as soft as the warm light of his lamp, a gentle touch at the back of his head. 

“How could you not realise how dangerous that was? Is your head so thick that you can’t even grasp something as simple as that?” He asked, ignoring her apology and crushing it beneath his boots while he was at it.

“I knew it was dangerous. That’s why I took your knife.” She replied, keeping her voice quiet not to anger him. 

He pushed his chair back, making it scrape against the floor. He turned sideways to glare at her, showing her that her attempts were futile. 

“Don’t get smart with me.” His warning tone caused her shoulders to rise defensively.

“I’m not, I’m just–“

“Do you have any idea what would’ve happened if I hadn’t gotten to you in time? You went against everything I told you. You lied and acted on your own like a mindless brat. I could’ve-“ Words got stuck in his throat, and he interrupted himself with a frustrated sigh, looking away from her guilty frown. 

I could’ve lost you, he was about to say, but the edges of those words were sharper and deadlier than the knife he was holding.

The knife was pristine again, his reflection staring back in irritation. Annoying, foolish brat.

“It wasn’t going to be like that. I was just going to steal some money, but then I heard him scaring a lady. He took her necklace,” Her grip on the jewellery tightened. “I just wanted to help her. You would’ve done the same.” 

“You’re not me. You’re-“

“Weak. I know.” Esther interrupted, feeling saddened again. 

Isabel gave her hope with her sympathetic behaviour, making her think maybe Levi wouldn’t be as angry with her as before. Maybe he would forgive her. But all of her hopes were in vain. She, foremost, betrayed his trust and disobeyed him, and it seemed like he wouldn’t be easily persuaded like Isabel. She could only hope that Furlan wouldn’t be such a challenge.

Esther jumped down from the bed, closing the gap between her and Levi. Her small fingers grabbed the side seam of his pants, her forehead falling forward to rest on her knuckles. The necklace dangled against his leg. Her face was hidden, and she was in the dark to list another round of apologies. She didn’t care how many of them would take for Levi to forgive her.

“I’m sorry, Levi. Please don’t be mad at me. I promise I won’t disobey you again. I only wanted to help and to be useful, because I was afraid you’d send me away.” Her voice came out muffled, and Levi looked down with the faintest traces of surprise on his face. 

He was still as stone while she clung to his side, and he didn’t dare move a muscle to push her away. Until her last words.

He grabbed her arm and pulled her back, the knife still clutched in the other. Esther was defeated, and tired, and just plain heartbroken. The grip on her arm made her eyes downcast.

“I don’t know where that came from but no one’s sending you away, so you better stop uttering that shit over and over again. Understand?” Levi said, his words sounding as a warning rather than a reassurance. 

Esther looked at him from under her lashes, not feeling confident enough to make proper eye contact. She searched his face and checked her own reflection in his narrow eyes. His frown was impatient. She gave him a silent nod. 

“Good. Go to bed.” Levi let go of her, but Esther didn’t move immediately. 

She held up the necklace clutched between her fingers, the shine of the ruby bouncing back off her eyes. It reminded her of the strawberry jam she ate last year with Furlan and Levi. She placed it on his leg, drawing his eyes to it.

“It’s for you. It’s a hairloom.” 

“Heirloom.” Levi corrected before he could stop himself, not reaching for the jewel.

“Yes. That’s what the lady said,” Esther played with the chain, a question circling her mind for a while. “What’s an heirloom?” 

Levi placed the knife on his desk, the cloth on top of it. His nostrils flared with a sigh, and he wondered why she was asking irrelevant questions instead of going to bed as he told. Especially since she was making promises of never disobeying again just a second ago. 

“It means it belonged to a family for a long time.” He explained still.

“Like my book?” Esther perked up. 

“Maybe.”

“Do you have a-“

“Go to bed, brat.“ Levi interrupted, not leaving any room for argument. 

Esther went quiet again, feeling like an idiot for assuming Levi would talk to her like he used to when they couldn’t sleep. Not daring to push her luck, she left the necklace on his leg and went under the covers. The softness of the pillows and the comfort of the bed were even more pronounced that night. She never realised how much she yearned for their shelter until she curled up in the bed, all snug and warm. 

Levi picked up the necklace, still on his chair where he would spend the night as he usually did. He placed it on the desk, near his knife. Esther’s book that was left by her father made a place for itself among his own books at one point. She didn’t want to throw it away despite not being able to read it, or never having known her father.

He scoffed at the sight of all three objects. Heirlooms. Not a single good thing came out of them.

Chapter Text

Year 844

Esther stood by the stalls of a greengrocer. The new arrival of fresh fruits made her hungry, and the sight of a particularly red apple sent a painful sensation to her stomach. She grabbed it and turned it in her two hands. It was smooth all around with no black spots or dents. She could already feel its sweet taste on her tongue. It was perfect.

“I’ll take ten.” She said with confidence. 

The owner was a tradesman, a wagon of goods were being delivered right to his shop as he stood by the entrance, sending Esther a bored look.

“Do you have the money?” He asked, looking at her not very impressive powder pink tunic and dull brown pants. 

She got her very own boots from Furlan last year for her birthday. Her sleeves were short, buttons reached all the way down to the hem of her tunic and her collars were sharply folded. It was from Isabel. 

“Of course,” Esther nodded, pointing at the onions displayed on the other side of the entrance. “I’ll take six of those too. I love onions.” 

The owner grabbed a paper bag, filling it with her orders while sending unconvinced looks in her way. 

Esther smiled at him sweetly with her hair braided tight on her scalp on each side. She saw an envelope peeking out from the pocket of his apron. She scratched her ear. 

“Here.” The tradesman leaned down again to hand her the bag, a little heavy for her arms. She hadn’t grown that much over the last couple of years. “Where’s the money?” 

Esther took notice of him keeping the bag just outside of her reach, not willing to hand it over before he got his payment.

“It’s in your pocket.” Esther answered nonchalantly, the apple she picked was tightly clutched between her fingers.

“What?” He asked, his hoary eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Right here!” Esther jumped and snatched the envelope from his pocket in the blink of an eye, and started running without sparing a second.

“Hey! Hey, stop her!” The owner yelled after her, the men delivering the goods already on the move. Her braids waved at them as she ran, knowing the route by heart. 

She could hear hurried steps behind her, followed by the sounds of metal wires appearing out of nowhere. 

She looked over her shoulder just in time to see Furlan jumping on one of the men from the rooftop, sending him flying at the stalls of a nearby fabric store with a firm kick. 

Rolls of linens draped over the man’s body and prevented him from getting up, while Isabel did the same to another one with an enthusiastic laugh, distracting and stalling the rest while Esther got away. 

Their gear pulled them back up before they could get caught. Dark cloaks were draped over their shoulders with hoods covering their heads, hiding their identity, but Esther could tell who they were by a simple glance at their boots. 

Not that cloaks did anything other than to cover their ODM gear. Their identity couldn’t be kept secret for long, everyone in the city knew who they were already.

Esther was about to take a right turn, but the sight of a delivery man appearing on the other side stopped her. She backtracked and turned left instead, running as fast as she could while having the awareness of being chased. 

“Get the Military Police!” Someone yelled in the commotion. She panicked, cold drops forming on her temples. The bandana around her neck made her feel hot all of a sudden. “It’s them!”

Esther bumped into a body as solid as stone after rounding a corner, and almost fell on her back with the impact. 

A man with a jacket as dark as the circles under his eyes stood above her, and she recognised him as the one making the delivery of his own goods. 

She stepped back, her eyes frantically looking around for a way out. The other one who’d been chasing her would appear at any minute now, trapping her in between.

“Now what do we have here?” He asked, voice gruff and low as he followed her steps. “Give that back, you little thief. It belongs to me.”

Esther reached for her waist, her hand grabbing the handle of a familiar knife. The feeling and weight of it gave her comfort and security. It was Levi’s gift. 

He had given it to her before she had gone to bed, a while after Isabel had made her blow a single candle on a slice of plain cake. She had said it was tradition, which was strange to hear because Furlan and Levi never made her do it the previous years. They’d given her a box of pastries instead, knowing how much she loved them. Levi’s tea on the side had been the perfect last touch, and she had always thought that those were the best birthdays ever, until last year.

“Esther.” Levi placed a hand on her shoulder as she was about to jump on the bed, happy and feeling the best kind of exhaustion after celebrating her eighth birthday with the people she loved the most. 

Levi turned her around, and kneeled before her questioning gaze, “I’ve got something for you.”

Esther’s eyes widened, her heart leaping in excitement at his words, revealing that he had a gift for her.

“What?” She wondered, eyes searching the room to catch a glimpse of his present. 

Levi stared at her for a while, his eyes thoughtful and uncharacteristically unsure. He searched her face, curious and beaming, content with everything again after her tantrum a couple of years ago. 

He eventually reached for his waistband, and pulled out an unfamiliar knife. 

Esther stilled; her smile frozen as she stared at the weapon right in front of her. 

Levi’s hand on her shoulder dropped to her elbow, firm and secure. The knife had a burgundy rosewood handle. It had a slight bend to it for easy use, and the blade was as pristine and shiny as his. It had beautiful flower patterns embellished at the base, carved through the blunt edge and slightly going over the handle.

Esther reached for it, eager to hold it and to inspect it up close. It was so pretty that it left her lips parted in awe. 

Levi pulled it back, not allowing her to touch it yet. She looked at him with raised eyebrows, confused.

“Listen to me good. You will watch me and follow me at all times, and you will always do as I say. You won’t ever go off on your own, and you will always remember everything I’ll teach you. Do you understand? This isn’t a toy.” 

Esther took in his words and witnessed the intensity of his eyes. He wanted her to pay attention to his conditions, understand them and accept them wholeheartedly. She saw the hesitancy of his hand holding the knife for her, and she knew he’d take it away from her at the first sign of disagreement.

“I understand.” She said, honest and truthful. 

She knew what would happen if she refused to listen to him, and she never wanted to experience that again. The underlying promise of the lessons she’d get from him, on the other hand, excited her to no end. 

He was finally willing enough to teach. She’d been waiting for this moment for years, and she’d listen to anything and everything he had to say if it meant she’d finally get to be a part of their team and to contribute everything she had to give.

Levi never broke eye contact with her, and the sight of trust in his eyes both surprised and flattered her. 

He let her grab the knife, but not before giving a last warning, “One wrong move and I’ll take it back.” 

Esther gave him a quick nod, but her mind was far away from his words. One hand grasped the handle while the other inspected the sharp blade. She ran her fingers over the cold embellishments, the sight of flowers putting a smile on her face. They were crafted with utmost care and attention. It must’ve cost him a lot.

“Levi, this is so beautiful! Thank you so much, I love it!” She beamed, turning it in her hands and settling with an all too familiar reverse grip. The blade edge was looking out, facing in the direction of her knuckles, while the sharp tip faced down. 

Levi watched her feel it, get familiar with the weight of it. It was slightly big in her hands; she would grow into it over the years.

“That’s a good grip,” He commented, only guiding her thumb towards the butt of the handle so she could cap the knife. Her grasp around the handle was more secure, and her thrusts would have more power, if she were to use it. “But don’t do it because of me. Find a grip that you’re comfortable with.” 

“I am comfortable with it. I cut- I cut his face like this.” She said, attempting to raise her hand to demonstrate it. 

Levi’s hand on her elbow quickly grabbed her wrist, preventing her from waving it around carelessly.

“It’s good for slashes,” He explained as she sent him an apologetic smile. Grabbing the handle with one hand and relaxing her fingers with the other, he rolled the knife until the blade edge was on the inside and the blunt edge faced in the direction of her knuckles. “And this is better for thrusts. You want to hold your knife like this? You’ll have to sacrifice speed for power. Do not forget.”

“But you’re always so fast.” 

“Because I know what I’m doing. You don’t.” Levi explained as if it wasn’t obvious enough. 

She had little to no experience and the only thing she knew about using a knife was copying his grip. 

She hummed in thought, eyes on her new gift.

“I’ll be as fast as you one day.” She promised, and he wished she wouldn’t have to. 

Esther got ready to slash his hand if he put it on her. Cut his fingers, his wrist, any part would do. She only had to hurt him enough to get away, but the hurried footsteps from behind her put her one and only plan on the shelf. 

She was surrounded, and the only way of escape stood behind each man in the form of a deserted street. 

Helpless and her brain heating up as she tried to find a solution, the zipping of wires came to her aid. It was so sudden and so fast, and before anyone could even blink, Esther was snatched from the jaws of danger and a wind whizzing by was the only trace left of her before the dumbfounded stares of the men.

A hand grabbed her from the waist, and she found herself flying into the air, tucked against Levi’s chest. The speed caused the air to caress her face in the best way, sending her braids flying along with Levi’s cloak.

“Levi!” She exclaimed, relieved and happy to see his face. “Did you see me? How was I? Did I do good?” 

“You were supposed to turn right.” He ignored her questions, eager for approval, and stated her obvious fault with a deadpan expression. He didn’t sound pleased. “You went the wrong way.”

“I couldn’t, there was someone coming from the right.” She explained, wrapping an arm around his neck to support herself. 

His eyes caught sight of the apple she stole, which wasn’t a part of the plan. 

“So you got yourself trapped.”

“And you saved me.” She pointed out, looking down at the city and the people dealing with the aftermath of the commotion they caused. 

They all looked so small from the air, she wondered if birds saw the people outside the same way she was seeing her own world in that moment. 

Levi easily manoeuvred the gear while carrying her at the same time, and she impatiently waited for the day he’d teach her that as well. If she managed to perform well during the jobs, he could start considering very soon. She was almost nine. She wasn’t a small child anymore; she could handle herself well this time. She just knew it.

“I won’t always be there, you said so yourself. Don’t ever get yourself cornered again.” Levi warned with a sullen reminder.

Furlan and Isabel joined them as they flew away from the centre towards their meeting point. They’d then walk to their place in order not to attract any attention to their home straight away. Flying directly towards their doorstep would be sending out invitations to the half-witted community of the Military Police.

“Furlan, Isabel!” Esther shouted for them cheerfully, looking over Levi’s shoulder. His warning went unacknowledged. “Did you see me? I was so fast, wasn’t I?”

“You were! I could barely follow you!” Isabel boosted her confidence with a gleeful voice, while Furlan’s head was still focused on the job.

“Where’s the money, Esther?” He asked, bringing up the most important part of the whole ordeal. 

Esther froze, gasping as if she just remembered the lack of money in her hands, drawing all their eyes on her.

“What?” Furlan’s eyes widened, his face suddenly alarmed.

“I must’ve dropped it!” Esther blurted, her own expression radiating panic. She looked down, searching frantically.

“What!?” Isabel almost forgot to grapple onto the next building as she cried out, her reaction more exaggerated than Furlan’s.

The only response Levi gave was an unimpressed eye roll. He kept on moving forward, dragging the other two after him.

“She’s lying.” He stated, which immediately broke Esther’s act. 

Her face cracked into a smile as a giggle left her lips, causing a relieved sigh to leave Furlan’s mouth, who suddenly looked very pale after the misinformation.

“How could you tell?” Esther asked, failing to suppress her ever growing smile.

“I can feel the envelope in your waistband, idiot.” 

Levi sent his anchor towards a pillar, making a turn for their place. The wind ruffled his hair, sending the usual wisps on his temples back. 

Esther took a watery bite from her apple on the way, the sweet taste filling her mouth and sending splattering saliva to Levi’s face with every chew, causing his eye to twitch. He stayed quiet regardless and let her enjoy her choice of a little prize after successfully stealing the money they were after. 

They walked home in silence, each of their eyes keeping a look out for any followers while Esther led them, skipping and eating the rest of her apple. She didn’t watch her back, the clinking metal on their hips gave her the sense of security she needed.

She took out the envelope and handed it to Furlan only when they were safe and sound in the privacy of their home, just like she’d been told many times before. 

Furlan knew the haul was promising from the fullness of the envelope, and parting the sleeve revealed a stack of paper bonds. Isabel leaned in with her green eyes shining.

“Oh, you did so good, little flower!” She voiced her delight, her fond eyes exhilarating Esther. 

“Yes, well done, Esther.” Furlan added, taking out the bonds for a count before an eventual split between everyone. 

Esther smiled, bashful with a faint blush on her cheeks. Whenever she went on jobs with them, she always got a well done plus her own cut and it filled her with the same amount of joy each time. 

She always put her earnings on Levi’s desk, trusting him to keep it secure. She didn’t know where else to hide them and having a sole possession of something as important made her nervous. The bigger the amount, the closer they were to reaching the surface level after all. She couldn’t risk losing it.

Her eyes searched for Levi, his approval lacking from the rest. He was at the kitchen, fixing himself a glass of water with his gears still attached to his hips.

“Do you think I did good, Levi?” She approached him, fingers absentmindedly rolling the hem of her tunic. 

She knew she almost messed up by going in the wrong direction, but it was obligatory and they all made it back with the money in the end. Surely he wouldn’t withhold his praise.

Levi took his time sipping from the water. With the glass against his lips, he kept his stare locked on her nervous eyes. She waited in anticipation.

“We would be having a very different kind of conversation if you didn’t.” He answered, placing the empty glass on the counter. 

He closed the gap between them, raised a hand and patted her head affectionately, “Good job.” 

Esther beamed, pride swelling in her chest. The touch of his hand was kind, and heartfelt. A tenderness he didn’t show so easily, and when he did it was the most precious thing in her little world.

“Thank you.” She looked at her feet with a smile big enough to display all her teeth. 

Levi walked past her, taking his cut from Furlan’s hand at standby.

“You’re not done yet. Come on.” He announced, making her and her curiosity trail after him. 

Furlan handed Esther her cut as she followed Levi, and pinched her cheek before she walked away, making her giggle.  

“What is it?” She asked, rubbing her cheek as Levi opened the door to the storage room. 

He grabbed a bigger cloth than the usual one he carried around, accompanied by a white bottle he took from his sanitary supplies shelf.

“My gear needs cleaning.” He tossed the cloth at her, and she almost dropped it in surprise along with her earnings. 

She looked up in bewilderment, her eyes disbelieving of the meaning behind his words.

“You don’t mean-?” A jumble of words tried to leave her mouth at once; she was confused, shocked, hopeful and excited at the same time. 

Did Levi really believe she was ready for the ODM gear that he was finally willing to teach her how to clean one? Isabel started using the gear soon after successfully getting the basics of maintaining one. Did that mean…?

“You’re still too small to operate one. But you can learn how to maintain it.” He crushed her expectations, only a little bit. 

Crawling towards her goal was still a step forward, and she wasn’t about to beg for more when this was more than what he was initially willing to give. 

He finally trusted her abilities, he didn’t think of her as a useless brat, he approved of her performance during jobs and he said she did good just a second ago. He also patted her head, which was the cherry on top. 

I need to grow up faster, she thought to herself, eyes on Levi’s manoeuvre gear as he took them off for her first cleaning session. 

She couldn’t wait for the day Levi would teach her how to operate it. They could fly together, four of them, to anywhere they wanted to go with no one to stop them.

༻✿༺

The city was quiet that day, a calm Saturday afternoon where everyone spent their weekend in their homes. The kids outside on their street abandoned taking a day off to rest, and took their respective spots in front of their eldest’s doorstep. 

Marcel, he was called, and he displayed a pattern of freckles and pimples on his constantly flushed face. It matched well with his red hair, but sometimes looking at him was overwhelming. One could always find a green glass bottle of soda next to him, and his younger friends playing with marbles in front of him. 

Levi always complained about their noise, but he never did anything to shut them up. The window was always ajar when they were outside, playing and laughing and annoying the neighbours, and Levi would sip his tea at the kitchen table while Esther enviously watched them from the window.

She stopped skipping as she heard their voices, the archway to their home coming in view. The others’ footsteps approached her from behind, closing the gap even though Levi warned her not to take off numerous times. 

A fresh group portrait was clutched in her hand, a work of a street artist that Levi reluctantly paid upon Esther’s nonstop insistence.

“Please, Levi!” She pressed her palms together, standing before him and preventing him from walking any further. 

A young man sat against a brick wall, the floor around him cluttered with various illustrations of different people. 

“No.” He put a hand on her head, fingers apart, and turned her around. 

Esther wasn’t quite encouraged to keep walking. She turned back to him and leaned against his leg, somehow thinking clinging to him was a better technique of persuasion.

“Please! Wouldn’t it be so nice if we had a family portrait? We could frame it and hang it on the wall!”

“No.” Levi refused again, giving no explanation as to why he wouldn’t let her have what she wanted. 

“Well, Levi, I must say it doesn’t sound too bad. It might be fun.” Furlan interjected, ceasing his low whistling tune. He examined the drawings on the floor with hands in his pockets.

“Right? I always wanted to have my portrait drawn! Please, Levi-bro!” Isabel came to Esther’s support, and all she could do at that point was to look into Levi’s bored eyes as intensely as she could as if her wide eyed pleading was going to convince him single-handedly. 

“It’s unnecessary.” He didn’t spare the drawings a glance.

“Please, I won’t ask anything else for my birthday!” She suggested, even though she never asked for a gift anyway. 

“Your birthday isn’t until another three weeks.” Levi pointed out, still unconvinced, but at least he wasn’t trying to push her to keep walking. There was hope.

“Then we can have it done now and you can give it to me in three weeks!” Her fists closed around the fabric of his pants on his right leg, her anticipation growing stronger.

“If you think I’m going to sit still for an hour to get scammed by some so called artist, you’re dreaming.” Levi scoffed, and five minutes later he was doing exactly that; sitting on a rickety chair that the young man placed for him while Esther stood by his side with the biggest smile she could display. 

Her cheeks started to hurt after two minutes. Isabel and Furlan stood around the chair, and everyone except Levi was drawn with a pleasant expression in the final work. He hated it, and thought the moody, grumpy man on the paper looked nothing like him. 

“Why did you stop?” Furlan asked when they caught up to her. “You’ve been skipping the whole way.”

“I was waiting for you.” She replied, looking over her shoulder. 

In truth, she didn’t want to get too close to the kids on her own. They weren’t very accepting of her, and she feared going through the same scenario as Marie and Anna with those boys for the second time. Having Levi, Furlan and Isabel by her side was always, always, preferable. No matter the situation.

They passed by Marcel’s doorstep without a hitch, and if Levi knew why Esther sidled up to him just then, he chose not to bring it up. 

The problem turned out to be something far from the kids. They came across a man in an expensive suit, his hair hoary and still combed carefully. 

Levi paused, causing Esther to bump into his leg. The man put his pocket watch inside the hidden pocket of his jacket, straightening up and facing them. He’d been waiting.

“What do you want?” Levi asked, his tone not suggesting any friendliness. 

Esther was glad she got behind Levi moments ago. The old man looked important with his attire, like he didn’t belong in the Underground, but his unapproachable aura was quite a familiar sight. 

“I have a job, and I’m in need of capable men.” He replied, gazing at their little group watching him with caution. 

His eyes skipped over Esther like she was the dirt on the ground. A frown took over her face. She didn’t like him, and by the looks of it, the others didn’t trust him either.

“We’re not interested.” Levi spoke for everyone, and walked past the man as if the little conversation didn’t happen. 

Esther followed close by, giving the stranger a wide berth. She heard Isabel’s hmph as she passed him, quickly examining him from head to toe. Rich folk, they were, who thought they could get them to do their dirty deed with the wave of money. They had standards. And they didn’t have the luxury to trust everyone they came across.

“I paid for the job already, haven’t I?” The man asked, not bothering to turn towards them. His eyes were locked on a building nearby, a horse carriage waiting in front of it.

“What are you talking about?” Furlan asked, impatient yet curious to find more about the man and his motives. 

The man pointed at the building, where the familiar face of Yan came into view. He’d always been quiet when he was at their place, religiously obedient and hard working. He was always nice to Esther. And now, he was being helped by two men into the carriage, his poor leg not strong enough to carry his body. 

Esther sensed the three of them still around her, and their reaction did nothing but render her nervous. She looked up at Levi, his upturned collar bringing out his intimidating sharp eyes, his frown hostile and calculating.

“His legs are nearly done for, aren’t they? He needs treatment at a surface clinic. It’s already been taken care of. Like I said, I paid upfront.” The stranger finally turned to look at them, coming face to face with surprise, distrust and unfriendliness. He didn’t seem fazed, he knew he had the upper hand.

Esther felt a hand on her shoulder, firm and assertive. Levi pushed her upstairs.

“Go inside.” He commanded.

She would obey, most of the time. But the idea of leaving them with that strange man made her reluctant to climb up the steps. He didn’t seem like good news and she wanted to be by their side, not separated from them.

“But-“ 

Levi interrupted her with a sharp glare, his hair whipping across his forehead at the brisk turn, indicating that he didn’t want to hear a single argument. 

Swallowing her protests, she grabbed the key Levi forced into her hand and walked up the stairs to their doorstep. 

They didn’t utter a single word until she was inside, and she didn’t spare a second before she hurried to the window. Her careful hands tried their best to open a gap without making any sound, but her efforts were unnecessary. Even with the window open, she couldn’t hear a thing they were saying. 

Levi was now protectively standing in front of Isabel and Furlan, a step higher than the man who offered them a job. Their hushed interaction didn’t last too long, and much to Esther’s displeasure, they followed the man away from their home. 

They were leaving, without her, to somewhere she wasn’t allowed to follow. The horse carriage was gone in seconds, and she noticed Furlan looking after it with worried eyes before he disappeared from her view too. 

And just like that, she was excluded and left alone again.

༻✿༺

The door opened after approximately an hour, which in reality felt like forever. 

Esther jumped from the couch where she’d been waiting impatiently, fingers playing with the corner of her newest book that she couldn’t concentrate on for the life of her.

“Levi!” Was her usual greeting. She abandoned her book on the couch and approached them before they could even close the door. “What happened? What did he want?”

Levi had never been talkative, and he had the habit of ignoring her questions when that thoughtful look was in his eyes. But as their disappearance with that stranger was quite mysterious, she couldn’t help but get impatient with his avoidance of her questions.

“Furlan?” She asked instead as Levi walked past her, unseeing and overlooking her curiosity. 

Furlan wasn’t much different, his eyebrows were furrowed and his blue eyes were pensive, but at least he spared her a glance.

“It’s… well.” He sat down on the armchair with a sigh, Esther immediately appearing by his side. “There was this man in a carriage by the exit. He offered us a citizenship at the surface if we accept his job offer.” 

Esther gasped, her eyes widening at the words she did not expect to hear at all. It was what they’d been working for, for years. It was what she craved the most, to go above ground and be free from their prison of a city. And now someone was offering it on a silver platter, the biggest gift of all and it came right at their doorstep.

“We are going to leave the Underground?” She asked, hopeful and suddenly filled with joy. 

Oh, the possibilities of what she could do once she climbed up the stairs… She would explore every inch of Wall Sina, and then she’d do the same with the other walls until there wasn’t a single spot she hadn’t seen already. Levi would teach her how to fly, surrounded by trees and birds with the beautiful view of the clouds above their heads. 

“When?” She added, her grasp on the upholstery of the armchair tightening in anticipation.

“Don’t get too excited.” Levi said from the kitchen, hands grabbing the edge of the counter, an empty glass sitting beside him. “We don’t know if we can trust him yet.”

“That’s right. For all we know, he could be lying to use us. What if he hands us over to the MPs when he gets what he wants?” Isabel threw herself on the couch, laying down and closing her eyes in exhaustion. The frown on her face was familiar to the other two.

“It doesn’t matter. They have Yan, we can’t just ignore this.” Furlan objected, while Esther listened with her hopeful demeanour diminishing by each word.

“We’re not. We’re being cautious.” Levi turned to look at him. 

“I know that. But I also know we won’t get this chance again. He said the target will get in contact with us one way or another, remember?”

Levi stared, and Levi weighed his options. Furlan was getting restless, he was uneasy and worried about Yan. The offer of citizenship was a once in a lifetime opportunity. 

The request wasn’t something he’d never done before. It was too good to be true, and that was the biggest issue. Trust wasn’t something they could give to anyone, it was risky and… and they had Esther now. They could handle themselves in life threatening situations but not her, and blindly throwing her in danger was not something he was planning on doing.

“I remember.” Levi hummed, and left it at that. 

He remembered, and he remembered all those times he’d been lied to by backstabbers putting their own interests first. Furlan knew better than to give his faith to a rich man who lived in luxury above ground, even Isabel was cautious. But the mention of citizenship and the disappearance of Yan blurred his thoughts, and it was up to Levi to keep him in line. To keep him focused and safe. If they were to proceed with the job, he needed to ensure their safety first. 

༻✿༺

The next few days passed in a haze. Everyone was in a state of doubt, spending hours on thinking and contemplating. The house had never been that quiet, even Esther’s endless questions and exaggerated stories were lacking. 

She spent most of her time up on the roof, looking at her made up stars and dreaming. 

They were going to be free, Furlan said so. He said they’d soon leave this trash heap and live topside. If the job was legitimate, they were going to achieve their dream. The warmth of sunshine, the glow of the moon and the stars, the breeze after the sunset on a summer night; and a vast, splendid world. They were going to experience it together, and she just couldn’t wait. 

She dreamt of a future that was now out of their reach only by a millimetre. She knew Levi was going to do it. 

Furlan was worried about Yan, and he’d been trying to fly word to him to get a response. A confirmation that he was being treated, and that the rich man was telling the truth. 

Isabel’s caution slipped from her mind when Furlan received the long needed insight from Yan, who was apparently in a first rate clinic. He brought up how he knew the identity of the man and that the job was a real deal. 

Esther got too excited to contain her smile during dinner, and Levi was just extremely absorbed in his own thoughts to show a desirable reaction. But he was going to do it. Esther knew it before he even made up his mind.

The day after the confirmation, Levi shook Esther awake just before dawn. She was having a sweet dream under the warmth of the covers; the sheets made her feel like she was sleeping on clouds. And it was taken away just like that.

“No, Levi, you can’t mop the trees.” She murmured, half of her brain still asleep.

“Wake up,” Levi scoffed, tapping her shoulder as she frowned in annoyance, refusing to open her eyes.

“Five more minutes,” She begged, trying to swat his hand away. Levi wasn’t having it.

“Wake up, brat.”

Esther’s heavy eyelids fluttered open, only enough to see his blurry form in the dark. He was standing above her, hand on her shoulder while the other carried her clothes. He dropped them on her lap, making his intentions clear.

“Get dressed. You have five minutes.” He ordered, leaving the room before she could protest. 

Esther huffed, part of her brain desperately trying to fall asleep and to go back to her dreamland, while the other part warned her to do as he said unless she wanted to face his wrath. 

She lifted the covers and her bare feet touched the ground, the lack of warmth making her shudder. She got dressed as quickly as possible, her movements uncoordinated because of her drowsiness. 

Her hair was a mess when she left the room, and she could barely keep her eyes open. Isabel was sleeping peacefully on the couch; half of the covers had fallen on the ground while soft snores left her nose. 

Levi was waiting by the door. He opened it, quietly to avoid disturbing Isabel, and motioned for her to follow him. Confused but too groggy to ask any questions, she followed him outside. 

The city was dead. The streets were void of any human life, and Levi didn’t feel obligated to use the back alleys. A dog’s bark could be heard from a distance, and for all she knew it could be coming from the other side of the city. 

“Where are we going?” She asked after a while, her brain finally wide awake. 

Levi didn’t answer as he took a turn to an abandoned area that she’d never been to before. The further they walked, the lesser the buildings became. The brick and stone walls were replaced by soil, and Esther could see small weeds make an appearance. The colour of the city’s light became brighter, a different shade.

“Levi, where are we going?” She asked again, only this time sounding excited for some reason that she couldn’t figure out yet. 

Why were the walls made of earth? Why did the light look different? Feel different? How could she feel a cold breeze? There was no current of air in the Underground. What was that strange sound she was hearing?

Levi kept moving forward. He didn’t answer, and he didn’t need to. Moments later, they were standing below a cavernous opening, which led to the inaccessible above ground. 

Esther stood frozen, her wide eyes staring at the sky. The real sky, bare and pure right before her eyes. It was dark and bright at the same time as the sun was being born. The outside world didn’t seem so out of reach just then.

Two early black birds flew past the opening, chirping and bringing the day, and the sight took Esther’s breath away. She wanted to react, she wanted to point at the sky and shout Birds! and she wanted to cry out of various emotions her body was going through. Happiness, wonder, awe, excitement, eagerness… 

But all she could do was just stand there with her lips parted and no words coming out, suddenly feeling so small under the endless sky.

Levi didn’t disturb her moment, and settled with watching her in silence. It was a peaceful moment in time. The sky went from dark and orange to pink and blue, and the scarce clouds looked so soft as they aimlessly floated in the sky. Another bird flew by, and Esther felt an uninvited tear slide down her cheek. 

“It’s so beautiful.” She whispered, unable to take her eyes off of the opening. 

Light filled the gap and illuminated their faces, erasing the shadows. Levi glanced at the pink sky for a brief moment before his eyes found Esther again. Her first time seeing the sunlight and feeling the morning breeze flying through her hair. How fucked up was that? What was fair about it? She was crying, because something as simple yet enormous as the sky had been taken from her.

“Will we actually get to live there? Above the ground?” She asked, wiping the tear away with a sniff. 

Levi sat down on a nearby rock, knowing they’d be there for a while. She wasn’t going to let it go so easily when she finally got a taste of it.

“I don’t know.” Levi answered honestly even though it wasn’t the answer Esther wanted to hear. 

She finally looked away from the beautiful view of the sunrise and looked at Levi. It was then that he saw the freckles on her face clearer. They adorned her cheeks and shaped her nose, and her eyes looked even brighter. The green in them was desperate to swim to the surface as the sunlight greeted her for the first time. It seemed like it’d finally be successful, and Levi would wait patiently until it happened.

“But Furlan said-”

“I know what he said. That doesn’t mean that I know if it will come true.” He interrupted, watching her face fall. “But we’re going to try. Tomorrow.” 

“Tomorrow?” Esther perked up, head lifting in excitement.

“You’re not coming.” He shut it down once again with a single sentence, like she was going to accept it just like that.

“What? Why?” A frown appeared on her face, and she unconsciously took two steps towards him, alarmed and ready to overreact.

“It’s dangerous. You’ll sit this one out.” He explained, unfazed by her reaction. 

“But I can help! I’m much more capable now!” She protested, coming to stand right in front of him. 

Levi leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.

“You promised to listen to me when I gave you the knife. Why are you screeching now?” 

Esther stood silent, even though her lips parted a few times to talk back, but there was nothing to say. She did promise to follow his orders, and she had no problem with that, but he had to understand that she wanted to help them in any way that she could. This was all of their dream, how could she sit aside while they did all the work?

Levi watched her avert her eyes and look at her feet, sullen and disappointed. 

“Esther,” He sighed, waiting for her to look into his eyes before continuing. “You learn quickly, and you are fast. But this isn’t a simple heist, it will be dangerous. If we are going to do this, we’ll do it right. I need you to stay at home and wait for us. Understand?” 

Esther gave him a reluctant nod, wishing she wasn’t a useless child. Wishing she was a grown-up like them, stronger and skilful. He wanted her to stay behind because she’d be a hindrance.

She moved from her spot before Levi, and sat next to him on the rock instead. When she looked back at the sky, she realised the colour pink was slowly fading away as the clear blue took over. 

For a moment, she believed she was still dreaming, her clothes thrown on her lap and Levi still waiting by the door. It looked unreal, felt magical.

“Am I not good enough for this job?” She asked, shoulders slouched. 

“You’re not.” Levi answered, as brutally honest as ever. 

Esther hated that. She wasn’t growing fast enough. Three years and she still wasn’t big and strong enough for the ODM gear. When was she going to be enough? 

“Will I ever be?” She asked, her voice small and not hopeful of the answer she was going to get.

“You won’t need to be. Not if we make it outside.” He followed her gaze up, watching the slow movements of the clouds, like someone was spinning the sky at a slow pace. The breeze weakly pushed his strands back, caressing his temples.

“We will make it. I may not be strong enough but you are, and there’s nothing you can’t do.” She encouraged, swinging her dangling legs. 

Her words came truthfully from her heart, because how could she not believe that he was the strongest person in the whole world? He was the one that she looked up to, the one she wanted to be like when she grew up. It wasn’t a role Levi asked for, but life was cruel like that. It made a little girl believe he was a hero; not a criminal, and not a murderer.

She then looked up at him, her bottom lip between her teeth as she contemplated over asking a question that was just too shy to leave her mouth. But it was a good morning, and she was feeling hopeful for the future even though Levi wouldn’t accept her help.

She let herself ask the question, feeling optimistic. “Will you promise me we’ll see the outside together?” 

Levi looked down at her from the corner of his eye. He wasn’t keen on making promises he couldn’t keep, especially to her, and especially about something as important as the above ground. 

But the sun was shining so beautifully, and the clouds looked peaceful. The birds came and left from time to time, reminding them of their goal, and he let himself indulge in the dream. He let himself be the one to make a promise to her instead of Furlan or Isabel, and he let himself give her hope when he shouldn’t have. Just for this once.

“I promise.” The vow left his lips, and he surprisingly didn’t regret it, not when Esther’s beaming eyes looked at him with an elated smile. 

Her hazel eyes finally let the hidden green through, and Levi allowed a faint smile to tug at his lips as the sun shone above them, warm and beautifully inviting.

It was the moment she felt completely sure of their success on the job. She trusted him with everything she got, and his promise meant the world to her. Tomorrow was the day that their lives would change, and after that they’d finally walk up those stairs. Together. 

༻✿༺

Esther couldn’t sit still the morning after. Her stomach was churning, a nervous wave hitting her the longer she waited as if she was the one assuring they’d get a ticket to the surface. 

She sat on the couch, her doll on her lap and the tea Levi made for her before he left on the coffee table, now gone cold. He’d often tell her that she’d gotten too old for that ugly doll, just to get her to throw it away. However, she had a hard time being separated from it. The soft gatherings of muslin beneath her hand were a comfort she was accustomed to, and the familiarity of it wasn’t something she could easily get rid of.

Esther had nothing to do as she waited, for hours and hours, and it was insanely unbearable. She was craving to find out where they were, what they were doing and when they’d come back. 

As she sat aimlessly and stared at the wall as if it was the most interesting thing in the world, she remembered the night before. It was her bedtime, and she was snuggled down into the warm covers, staring at the ceiling.

“Levi,” She said the moment he stepped into the room.

“Why aren’t you asleep yet?” 

“Why didn’t you take me to that opening before? Why today?” She asked, direct and to the point, leaning up on her elbows. 

Her hair was in a single braid, Isabel was getting quite good at making neat patterns at the base. 

Levi sat on his chair, where he spent many of his sleepless nights. His nostrils flared with a sigh. What was it with children and asking way too many questions?

“I found it unnecessary.” 

“But why?” She insisted.

But why? Wouldn’t it be cruel, showing her something she couldn’t have? What was the point of that? It was maddening enough for him, breathing for a glimpse of the sunlight. 

He knew Esther. She wouldn’t be able to bear it. She’d run to the opening just like she’d been escaping to the rooftop, and the sight of flower petals peeking from the cavernous walls would drive her insane. She would reach up, never being able to touch one. She would try to chase the butterflies, only to watch them abandon her.

“There was no point. It would only upset you.” He replied, simple and short.

“But I was happy today. I wouldn’t feel sad.” 

“Yes, you would. There’s no point in looking at something if you can’t have it.” And that answer made her pause, it made her think. 

His brief answer revealed that they could have it now, the light was within their reach, otherwise why would he take her there now? He believed they were going to be successful. And she pursed her lips together at the thought, trying to suppress her smile.

“But we can have it now.” 

Levi’s glare was slightly annoyed, and she was surprised to see a sprinkle of amusement in his eyes. When did she start to actually think over his words? That was new. 

“Tch. Go to sleep, brat.” He turned his back on her, terminating the conversation. 

Esther obeyed happily, having all the answers she needed.

A commotion sounded from outside, making Esther jump from her skin. She rushed to the window, searching for the sudden disruption. 

Her heart leapt at the sight of Levi, Furlan and Isabel. They were back in one piece, yet the men surrounding them didn’t give any hints about the success of their heist. Clad in ODM gear with some of them carrying sharp blades as a precaution, they were also wearing green cloaks with wings embellished onto them. The blue and the white were reminiscent of the sky. 

Levi was arguing with one of them, a blond man that surprisingly wasn’t intimidated by his aggressive frown. Esther had seen grown men tremble in fear at the sight of that hostile expression on Levi’s face, but not this one. 

He raised a hand, motioning for his men to stand back. Only then did Levi turn to climb the steps to their door, Furlan and Isabel following close behind. She solemnly noticed they were stripped from their gear.

The door was pushed open with force, the handle crashing into the wall. Startled, Esther took in the disheveled state of Levi. 

His always pristine clothes were covered in mud, filthy water was dripping from his hair. The short strands were stuck on his forehead in a messy, irregular pattern. He took in a couple deep breaths, pausing at the door with his palm still resting on it. 

“Levi, what happened? Are you alright?” She stepped forward, her eyebrows raised in worry. 

Levi looked at her, unseeing. He didn’t seem like himself. He was dripping wet, covering the floor with dirt and mud, and he didn’t even care. 

He stepped inside, directly heading to his bedroom without sparing an explanation. 

Isabel and Furlan didn’t look much different when they followed him in, their hair and clothes completely disarranged. Nothing about their state screamed success to her, and fear appeared in her gut. A what if? that was too unpleasant for her to entertain.

“Furlan, Isabel, what’s going on? Who are those men?” She asked, hoping for an answer. 

The bitter frown disappeared from Isabel’s face when she saw Esther, her doll clutched into her hand and her eyes clueless of what was about to happen. 

Furlan sighed, he looked helpless. It was a strange appearance on him. He was always level-headed, and he always had a solution for everything. 

Esther squeezed her doll as he sat down on the armchair, beckoning her over with his hand. She let him grab her elbow, pull her close between his legs. The apologetic look on his face made her uneasy, anxious. She didn’t even know if she wanted to hear what he had to say. 

“Those men outside are from the Survey Corps. The ones fighting the titans, remember?” Esther nodded, eyes frantically searching his blue ones, looking for a clue. “They caught us. They threatened us to join them, and if we refused we would be handed over to the Military Police.” 

Esther waited and waited for further explanation, not understanding the meaning behind his words due to the chaotic mess in her brain. She didn’t know what to think, she didn’t know what to say or what to even ask. 

Isabel scratched her eyebrow, restless and displeased.

“You can’t come with us, little flower.” She finally explained the horrifying truth behind Furlan’s words, and Esther froze under his hands. 

“You’re leaving me.” She whispered; words foreign to her lips. 

A painful lump sat in her throat, preventing her from gulping. She wasn’t able to move an inch while her wide eyes stared at Furlan’s saddened ones in shock.

“It’s all part of the job. We’ll be back before you even know-”

“You’re leaving me.” Esther repeated, interrupting his desperate explanation. Her voice trembled.

They were leaving her. They were leaving her all alone. They were going to the surface without her. 

“We’re not.” Furlan assured, firm and confident for the first time since he appeared at the door. “Esther, it’s temporary. We’ll come back for you once-”

“No! You’re leaving me!” She ripped herself from his gentle grasp, stepping away as her eyes burned with tears. 

Her nose was already runny and something unpleasant was ringing in her ears, making her head throb. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t happen.

“Esther-” Isabel tried to intervene, to lie to her and convince her with sweet nothings. It wouldn’t matter, they were leaving. 

She ran to Levi’s room, barging in with tears streaming down her face, endless and unstoppable. 

“Levi, are you leaving me!?” She asked desperately, a sob leaving her mouth at the sight of him packing a bag.

Levi’s shoulders stilled at her entrance, movements pausing for a split second. 

He folded a shirt in silence, putting it in the bag without a single care about his dirty hands. He filled it with what little belongings he had, his back turned to her. 

“Levi!” Esther raised her voice in anguish, despair leaking like her warm tears. “You promised! You said we would go together! You showed me the sky and you promised!”

Levi’s fist tightened around the fabric, disrupting it as Esther’s desperate cries echoed in the house, already haunting them and they weren’t even out of the door yet. 

Furlan stood from the armchair, dragging his feet to his own room to pack a few items in what little time they had left. Isabel stood there for a moment longer, her own eyes burning with the pain of Esther’s agony, and with reluctance to leave her little sister behind. 

Levi lowered his hand, head rising to stare at the wall before him as Esther’s sobs surrounded him, squeezing in uncomfortably.

“You’re not five anymore. Stop crying.” He said, looking over his shoulder at her pitiful state. 

Eyes red and cheeks wet, making path to more tears to come. Her trembling hands were holding onto her doll as if it was the only thing she had left. Her cheeks were flushed, the colour splattering over to her lips, to her nose and to her eyes. It was consuming her.

Levi turned around completely, letting go of his clothes and kneeling before her. She didn’t cease her crying despite his request, and her chest kept heaving uncontrollably like a tornado was wreaking havoc inside.

“We are not leaving. This is the job. I told you it wasn’t a simple heist, that it was dangerous.” He explained, eyes hard and eyebrows dangerously furrowed. 

The mud on his face made his expression look severely harsher, and it did nothing to calm her down.

“You said we would see the outside together. You promised me.” She sobbed, voice cracked and weak. 

His eyes narrowed, and a sigh left his lips. He shouldn’t have promised. It was a mistake, and he was already suffering the consequences.

“Things took a different turn. We’re joining the Scouts, completing the mission and coming back for you once it’s done. Stop crying.” Levi demanded again, which went over her head for the second time. 

She seemed to ignore his attempt at reassuring her too, as if the tears were blurring her mind as well as her view. 

“You can’t go without me. We were supposed to see it together.” She rambled, looking down at her feet and seemingly talking to herself. “Tell them you want to take me with you, please Levi.”

“No. You’re staying here.” He refused, and Esther’s face formed into a grimace, her pain climbing to the surface. 

She moved to turn away, to leave the room and run to the men outside, beg them she would do anything for them to bring her as well. Anything and everything. I’ll clean the gears, do anything you want me to do, I’ll kill the titans, please don’t take them away from me. 

But Levi calculated her moves before she even thought of them, and his hand grabbed her arm firmly before she could take a single step.

“Let me go! I want to talk to them!” She struggled in his grip, his hand as secure and unmoving as steel as she wriggled desperately to be set free. The punch she aimed to throw at his wrist was caught by his other hand.

“Did you not hear me? It’s dangerous. Those are the people cutting titans outside of the walls. You won’t survive a single day. I need you to stay here until we’re back.“ He explained, tired of giving the same valid excuses over and over only to receive no desired reaction in return.

“I won’t survive here without you either!” She protested, barely seeing him through her tears. 

It was true. She wasn’t good enough, he said so himself. She wasn’t strong enough. If it weren’t for them watching her back at every step, she’d be dead long ago.

“You will. You’ll wait until we’re gone, and you’ll go to Emmanuel’s straight after. He has a sister who’ll look after you until we’re back. Do you remember the way?” He asked, waiting for an immediate answer. 

She couldn’t manage on her own in an empty house; and even if she could, the Scouts knew the location of their home now. It wasn’t safe here anymore. 

Esther leaned her head down and wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand, still imprisoned in his steely grip, and sniffed as a response, not acknowledging his question. 

“Do you remember, Esther?”

She reluctantly nodded at his urgent tone. 

Of course she remembered; her memory was her greatest strength. Show or tell her something once and she’d take the knowledge to the grave. Her prowess helped them on many occasions; remembering every detail of the jobs that were discussed and reminding them during the heaps of chaos, never forgetting a single piece of information that their targets mentioned which would aid them in future heists. She had great potential, but unfortunately it wasn’t enough to bring her to join the Scouts with them. To see the outside with them. 

“Good.” Levi let her arms go, satisfied. 

He stood up, her eyes didn’t follow him to keep eye contact. She stared down at her doll, something wild and desperate punching the walls to get out within her, and it was being suppressed. 

She didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t think of a single thing that would convince Levi to take her with them, and her knees felt weak at the cruelty of her reality. He would never listen, and she was going to be left behind whether she liked it or not. She was going to be alone again, just like she feared before, and she couldn’t be alone. She simply couldn’t.

“Wait for me outside.” He requested, somehow gently this time. His fingers faintly touched her shoulder before disappearing. She barely felt their presence. 

Even though reluctant, Esther obeyed. She turned around and left, her body feeling so numb and small. It was all he ever wanted her to do anyway, to listen to him and to obey him. He didn’t want anything else from her. He never did. 

Isabel was sitting on the couch, occupying her previous spot. A small canvas bag was sitting by her feet. She was already packed and waiting, and Esther felt a wave of nausea hit her, the sudden misery suddenly too much for her body. 

Her feet automatically carried her towards Isabel, who accepted her into a warm hug. Esther buried her face into her chest, Isabel’s shirt and vest brushing her skin. 

“It’s alright, Esther. There’s no need to be sad.” Isabel tried to console as the little girl cried in her arms, her body shaking with sobs and chest heaving with heartbreaking whimpers. “We’ll only be gone for a short while, and in the end it will be worth it. You’ll see. This will all be over before you even realise.”

“It’s not fair! I wanted to see the world with you! Now you’ll experience everything without me. You won’t even remember me!” 

“That’s not true and you know it.” Isabel pulled her away by grabbing her shoulders, her frown somewhat offended. Esther’s tears left a wet patch on the fabric over her heart. “How can you even think that we’ll forget about you? We all love you so very much.”

“If you did, you’d take me with you.”

“That’s precisely why we can’t.” Furlan’s voice intercepted, he appeared by his door with a similar bag in his hand, not looking any better than he did a few minutes ago. He didn’t even bother to fix his hair. “Why would we knowingly put you in danger? Besides, they wouldn’t allow it even if we wanted to. We’re talking about soldiers, Esther. You’re a child.” 

Esther wiped her cheeks, sobs calming down slowly as a headache gave her a warning interruption. 

She didn’t have much to say to that, and her only thought was that she didn’t care. This wasn’t about what those soldiers wanted, this was about them. How could they rip her family away from her just like that? What if something happened outside? What if the titans hurt them? What if she never found out? What if they forgot about her and never came back, blinded by the beauty of the world, despite what Isabel said? What if? What if? What if? 

Too many doubts and never-ending worst case scenarios hurt her brain as if it was being stabbed, repeatedly.

“Hey,” Isabel tucked a set of strands that escaped from her braid behind her ear. “Those rich women outside must have very beautiful hair clips. What do you say I bring you some when we return?” 

Esther closed her eyes at Isabel’s knuckles caressing her wet cheek, a frown on her face as her mind betrayed her and thought about Isabel’s offer. Beautiful hair clips worthy of rich ladies sounded nice. 

“That sounds like a great idea.” Furlan approached, and before Esther could realise, she was being lifted off the floor and away from Isabel. 

Furlan sat on his previous spot on the armchair, setting her on his lap. Her legs laid over his, and her shoulder leaned against his chest as she avoided eye contact, fingers playing with the hem of her tunic. 

“And I can pick all the flowers you want, what do you say?” He suggested.

Esther glanced at him without realising, without meaning to. He noticed, and the faint smile on his lips was knowing.

“You can’t. They’ll just die here.” Esther replied, her voice sullen.

“They won’t. As soon as we return, we’ll take you and go back outside, free this time. And you can plant them anywhere you want.” 

Fingers stopped disrupting the fabric of her tunic, and she carefully thought over his suggestion. A pleasant scenario played behind her glazed eyes; where she had unlimited supply of seeds and sunlight, where she had a beautiful house with an enormous garden to plant them, and where the hand painted fences fended off any harm against her loved ones. 

It was a beautiful dream, and the look in Furlan’s eyes almost made her believe it. 

“Anywhere?” She asked, doubtfully looking at him from the corner of her eye, her voice husky from crying.

“Anywhere.” He promised. 

Esther hummed, having no energy to display a smile. With her last promise being so easily broken by Levi within the span of over twenty four hours, she wasn’t sure if she should let herself be held captive by another one. 

Her head fell on his shoulder in mental exhaustion, and she entertained the idea anyway. Just one more time before they left.

“Alright. I would love to have some roses.” She murmured, her eyelids getting heavy with the weight of her worst fears waiting just outside their door. The price of having a dream and hoping for it to come true. 

Furlan’s humming was calming beneath his chest, and she fought off the urge to fall asleep right then and there. She wouldn’t be able to forgive herself if they left while she was unconscious. 

“Roses are nice. What else?” 

“Lilies.” Her answer came without hesitation.

Furlan leaned his head against the back of the chair. Isabel listened with her head hanging low.

“Which color?” 

“All of them, but especially yellow. Roses should be white.” Esther answered as the door to Levi’s room opened with a faint creak. 

Her head jolted upright, alarmed. The barely audible sound was a bad omen, a sign of something unpleasant approaching. 

She saw Levi carrying a bag, and she wished she could freeze time forever. She wished she could fall asleep in Furlan’s arms, and they’d still be here when she'd wake up hours later. Tea brewing and dinner ready, all of them waiting for her at the table. It was another beautiful dream, like her house with a flower garden, only this one was once a reality she took for granted.

“Let’s go.” Levi announced, closing his door behind. It was a matter of time before someone started punching their door aggressively, demanding them to come out. 

Esther felt the deep breath Furlan took, and the heaviness it carried made her dizzy. It was time. They were leaving without being able to tell her exactly when they’d be back. In a few minutes, she’d have no way of communicating with them, no path to follow them and no hope of seeing their faces come the morning. 

Furlan shifted beneath her, and his arms cradled her in his arms. Esther bit her bottom lip to keep it from trembling when she felt his chin on her shoulder, his soft hair tickling her cheek. 

“Be a good girl now, alright? We’ll be back before you even know it.” He gave her head a gentle pat after the short lived hug, and set her on the floor before standing up. 

He grabbed his bag with no ounce of eagerness, and Esther could do nothing but watch helplessly. 

“Alright,” She sighed, nails digging into the fabric of her doll. It was a miracle that she hadn’t created a hole in it yet. 

Part of her didn’t believe they’d be back as soon as possible. Part of her obstinately believed they’d forget about her, and it was a shivering thought. The fear made her feel the burn of the wildest winter beneath her bare feet, even though she never felt the touch of snow in her life before. It must’ve been similar to this, she was sure.

Isabel gave her a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. She whispered promises of early return with gifts and a residency permit for her. A current of I love you flowed through her hair, and Esther’s eyelids felt heavy.

She nodded in acknowledgement, her face buried in Isabel’s neck, soaking in the warmth of a sister before solitude got its hands on her. 

Levi watched them wish each other poignant see you soons, patiently, isolating himself from the whole exchange. 

He placed his bag on the floor by the exit door, turning to Esther as Isabel walked past him, an overall sadness now visible on his face. 

Esther watched him kneel only a distance away from her, as if there was a barrier between them that he couldn’t ignore, elbow resting on his bent knee while his other arm hung limply on his side. 

She held her doll from its hand, barely holding onto the toy from all the sadness and misery mounting her shoulders, weakening her muscles.

The exchange between her and Levi was silent. She felt the barrier that he put there, preventing her from running to him, holding him and never ever letting go. His hair was pushed back, his shirt was changed, but the hardness on his face was still the same. Esther wasn’t able to look away from him.

“Are you angry with me?” He asked eventually, voice as calm as still water, conflicting with the state he was in. 

It wasn’t what Esther expected to hear, and therefore she didn’t have an answer for him right away. 

She was more heartbroken than angry. Her thin walls were left defenceless, and the urge to trash the walls and scream at him about his promise was paralysed by it. She didn’t know what to do. She wasn’t angry, she was lost and afraid. 

“No.” Her voice was almost inaudible, she could barely stand with the crushing weight of her dizziness, but she was still able to find the strength to take a step forward. 

She ran to him, and she threw herself into his waiting arms. Her doll fell from her grasp along the way, and a few drops of tears rained down on it. 

Esther cried with her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, and the safety of his arms around her was unlike those times when he carried her weak self around. It was stronger, heavier than anything she’d ever felt before. 

She wished she hugged him sooner, even though he probably would’ve brushed the show of affection aside. She wished she listened to him more, annoyed him less, learned more from him. Maybe she’d be stronger then, maybe he’d never let her go and maybe he’d agree to take her with him. Maybe, maybe, maybe…

“Don’t leave me.” She cried, a new wave of sobs hitting the shore and leaving her attempts at acceptance completely under water. 

“I’m not, idiot. No one is. Why do you always insist on being a thickheaded brat?” He reassured and insulted her at the same time, and still managed to be unsuccessful at stopping her tears. 

He felt his new shirt getting tear stained, and her frail body shook in his arms. Isabel copied Furlan on leaning against the door with eyes more interested on the floor than their embrace. They were listening, though, and they hated the involuntary situation they were put in almost as much as Esther. Almost. They weren’t the ones staying behind like a prisoner, after all.

“I’m afraid.” She answered, causing Levi to sigh into her hair. 

When he pulled back, his eyebrows were curved in a sad expression, and Esther’s face mimicked his in return. She found it strange, seeing the crumbs of her heart on his face, broken like his promise. 

“I know.” Levi recognised the fear within her, all the hardness and fury he carried inside a few moments ago was wiped from his face, and his voice was void of temper. 

His thumb wiped her tears, made her lean into his touch. He wished he could say he felt it too, when they got caught and he thought he wouldn’t be able to make it back home, but the words never left his mouth. It wasn’t time for tears and sentiments. There were a dozen soldiers outside, surrounding them and simply waiting like wolves on a hunt. Time was of the essence.

“What are you going to do when we leave? Tell me once more.” Levi asked, putting the feelings aside. There were more important matters at hand, such as her safety.

“I’ll wait until you’re gone and then I’ll go to Emmanuel’s. His sister will look after me.” She answered, the instructions already memorised. 

Levi looked satisfied with the response. “Good. Behave until we return, alright? I don’t want to hear any complaints.” 

Even though his words were aimed to soften the atmosphere, the warning undertone was there. Esther took shelter under the familiarity of it. 

“I will, but you have to come back before my birthday, okay? You don’t need to bring me any gifts, just… be here, please.” Her hands tightened on the fabric around his shoulders, never wanting to let go. 

Levi clicked his tongue, the request of a new promise not sitting well in his mind. His previous one ended up in an utmost disaster, and he thought of avoiding this one; ignoring her words and simply turning around as if she never opened her mouth, but her tearful eyes had a captivating hold on him. Something hiding in her warm browns never allowed him to look away for some frustrating reason. 

“We’ll try.” He decided to say, not a promise but at least something, and it had to be enough. 

He released her from his arms, even though she didn’t ask him to, and stood up. Esther had no choice but to let him go, and the fabric where her hands once were stayed wrinkled. 

Levi grabbed his bag from where he put it down by the door, Furlan and Isabel got moving with him. 

Her doll laying face down on the cold ground, Esther wiped her cheeks once more. She had to be a big girl, none of them were crying so neither should she. The acceptance and being able to cope with undesirable situations like this were a part of being strong. 

She could do it. She could go to Emmanuel’s and she could wait for her family to come back, no matter how long it’d take. She could look out of the window, watch the streets for a sign, stare at the stars and wonder if they were looking at the real ones in the meanwhile. She could wait for their safe return with a never-ending fire burning in her heart, calling and guiding them back home. She could do it all. 

“Be careful, I love you.” She waved, still finding encouragement to give in her worst state. 

Isabel gave her a joyful grin with the intention of giving her hope, to make the dark clouds leave her mind alone, but it was forced. Esther could tell. 

With a wave, Isabel disappeared behind the door.

Furlan’s smile was faint. He looked back with a hesitant hand resting on the handle, his steps having trouble following Isabel.

He raised two fingers to his temple, and gave her his classic salute, the one he’d always give Levi and his closest friends. The one that’d make her give him the widest of her smiles, if it wasn’t for the goodbye hanging in the air. It was contaminating their home, and she had difficulty breathing it in.

A simple glance over the shoulder was adequate for Levi before he left. It was short, and it wasn’t enough, but he averted his eyes not long after and stepped out, the door blocking her out from their impending confrontation with the Survey Corps. 

He left so abruptly. Gone as unexpectedly as he came into her life. Her feet wanted to follow him, because that was all she’d ever known, but his warnings were an obstacle against the door. She didn’t know how to get rid of it without his permission. She didn’t know how to do anything without his sharp eyes watching over her.

Standing all by herself in the middle of the room, Esther found the sudden silence deafening. Levi’s tea sat on the coffee table still, cold and tasteless now. She regretted not drinking it when it was warm, reminding her of him. It was just another thing she took for granted in this house. 

She made her way over to the window; she didn’t want to miss the chance to see them until she physically couldn’t anymore. 

The blond man from before never budged from his spot. He patiently waited for them to descend the stairs, and the return of Levi’s hostility made her think he wasn’t someone pleasant to be around. 

The moment they all turned around made her heart leap, her fears coming to be in the end. She expected them to look at her one last time, to check if she was waiting by the window, but they didn’t. It was dangerous, it would attract attention, she realised that; but oh, did she hate having to part ways like that, even if it was temporary.

Someone did look back, though, just not the ones she wanted. The blond one, the leading one, the one with mud covering his knees, staining the white uniform. 

He took a glance over his shoulder, pausing for a moment when his inspecting eyes landed on her peeking head. 

Esther would hide, usually, but she refused to this time. She let him see, and she hoped he could spot her tearstained cheeks, knowing he and his friends were the cause of it. She hoped he knew what he was taking from her, and she stared with an unrequited frown until he turned around and kept walking. 

Frustrated, and feeling every single emotion ten times more pronounced, she sat on the floor and hugged her knees. She knew she had to leave soon, like she promised Levi, but the lack of voices in the house was crushing. It wasn’t a peaceful quiet, it was the worst kind of loneliness. It was abandonment, and it was the unknown date of their promised return. 

Life really liked cracking the cruelest of jokes, and they were all badly timed. An hour ago, she was excited, believing she’d get to leave this city behind with them. And now here she was, sitting all by herself, left behind as she was always meant to be. 

Chapter Text

Year 845

The marketplace was filled to the brim during the weekdays, as if anyone could afford anything. Aimlessly walking around was the most popular activity amongst residents. 

Emmanuel’s sister, Elsa, was a seamstress. She owned a tailor shop around the corner of the shopping district. Esther found herself accompanying her newest carer on occasion, mostly against her will. 

She sat by the entrance, legs crossed and back resting against the open door. With her book placed on her lap, she was blocking the way in, but Elsa rarely had any customers anyway. She let Esther be, who was more interested in watching the bystanders than reading her book. Her eyes often drifted off to the road that led to a saloon she’d been to once under close supervision, and even the sight of the uneven cobblestones was triggering enough for her to squeeze her eyes shut.

Life didn’t feel the same after they left. She felt like a ghost walking around in the realm of the living, not knowing what to do or where to go. Emmanuel was quick to take her in, saying he wouldn’t let Levi and Furlan down, letting her know she could stay as long as she needed to. Esther only wished she could leave as soon as possible. 

Elsa was a nice lady. She was pretty, her copper hair complemented her blue eyes well. She treated Esther kindly, but it wasn’t the same. The sleeping spot she’d been given on the couch didn’t feel the same, and breakfasts weren’t as delicious without Levi’s cooking and tea. Dinners weren’t accompanied by Furlan’s stories anymore, and Elsa couldn’t braid her hair like Isabel used to. 

This wasn’t her home, and the place that used to be was all but abandoned now. 

Esther tried to go back whenever she could to keep the place clean for when they’d return. She wouldn’t let a single speck of dust touch the belongings they left behind. 

She sometimes sat on the roof, imagined food being cooked downstairs. She imagined they were still inside. Levi would walk up behind her any second now, he’d complain a little before calling her inside. 

She’d look up at the replicated stars in the sky of the Underground, wondering if they were looking at the real ones at that very moment. Elsa told her they weren’t stars, but minerals in the earth. Whatever that meant. 

Only two days after they left, Esther got bed-bound with fever. She had trouble gulping down her own saliva, her sore throat made tears gather around her eyes. Her bones hurt and all she could do was stare at the ceiling while Elsa forced warm thyme water down her throat. 

She was delirious for two nights straight. She would call Levi’s name, thinking she was back in his bed, thinking the figure next to her was him and not Elsa, believing the touch on her forehead was his hand and not a cold, lifeless cloth. 

Hours passed, and Levi never answered. 

When the fever broke, her healed throat made her open her eyes to a blissful morning. It didn’t hurt to swallow anymore, and she was grateful for not having to clench the bedsheets with a grimace. She was also grateful for the lack of weird tasting herbs and teas. 

Elsa greeted her with a tired smile, and that was the day Esther found out about her and Levi. Or, the lack thereof. 

It turned out Elsa fancied Levi a lot, and like the number of turned heads and rosy cheeks he’d leave in his wake whenever he walked by; it seemed like Elsa had no resistance to it herself. 

She said she once gifted him a white handkerchief embellished with a golden dove in the shape of a confession. Levi, however, wouldn’t return her affections. Elsa said he’d always been a little slow to understand her feelings, and the broken smile on her face seemed stained with memories long forgotten.

She still seemed heartbroken over it, and Esther placed a gentle yet weak hand on top of hers. She said Levi was always slow to understand her feelings too, that he never knew what to do with her love. She said that Levi still had the handkerchief, and that he entrusted Elsa with being her temporary carer, and it somehow had to mean something. 

They had a silent exchange then, a mutual gratitude and a faint squeeze of the hand. 

A week after they left, Esther started to help around in the house. She learned how to brew tasteless tea and she showed her gratefulness by cleaning up the place. It was all she knew. 

After two weeks, she was able to hand-stitch torn fabrics and clothes. She fixed her own socks and proudly showed them to Elsa, but wished it was Levi who’d pat her head instead. Even Isabel would be envious of her newfound skill. 

Three weeks later, on her ninth birthday, she ran away from the house and went to the opening that Levi showed her. 

A brown bag was tucked under her arm, containing a small slice of plain cake that cost her quite a bit with a single candle and a box of matches. She sat under the vast sky as the sun was setting, felt the cold air wipe the loose strands from her face as she lit the candle. 

“I wish for my family to return to me.” She made her wish into the night, holding the cake in her hands before blowing the light out. The smoke rose and disappeared into thin air right before her eyes. 

The stars accompanied her as she ate the cake. A birthday spent alone under the moonlight.

She lied down on her back after the party was over, and realised she’d never seen the stars before. And by the divine sky, were they beautiful… The minerals on the ceiling couldn’t hold a candle to the real deal. 

The clouds were gone, and the sprinkles in the night sky were endless. The moon was smaller than she imagined, but breathtaking nonetheless. If she looked carefully, she could see darker spots on it. 

She wondered again, if they were staring at the same sky as her right now. She wondered if they were thinking of her too. She wondered why they weren’t back yet, and she wondered if they remembered her birthday at all. 

“Levi,” The name left her lips in a whisper as she raised an arm, fingers tracing the stars in hopes of reaching them. “Does the moon ever get lonely? There are a million stars but only one moon.” 

The crickets answered her.

“What about the sun? It doesn’t have any stars around either.” She asked next, with no one to reply back. Not that he’d give a proper answer if he was there anyway.

What kind of a question is that? They can’t get lonely, idiot. They don’t have feelings. He might’ve said.

“Why is the sky black at night but blue during the day? Is it so we can see the stars?” Her thumb and index finger closed around the moon, pinching it in between. A pearl white marble imprisoned in her grasp.

The sun isn’t there to light up the sky.

“What happens if a bird falls?”

They can’t fall. They have wings.

“Why haven’t you come back yet?” And silence followed her question, even the voice interpreting Levi was gone. 

Her hand fell on the ground beside her, limp and tired. The moon escaped from her fingers and her eyes burned as she stared into the beautiful void. 

Pretty stars, Isabel must’ve loved them. She must’ve watched them and counted them for hours. Never ending stars, how they witnessed the tears falling from her eyes and sobs shaking her body as she cried to no one but them. How she wanted to drown in them, to let them carry her away from this godforsaken place. Breathtaking stars, they made her dream of impossible things, made her heart tear itself into pieces with helplessness, until it was time to leave the only place that made her taste freedom. 

Elsa greeted her with endless questions and worried eyes.

A month after they left, Esther woke up to find a purple hyacinth left on their doorstep. 

She held it in her hands for hours and for days, she held on even after it was dead and dry. 

Elsa would try to cheer her up. She’d say that they could return any moment since they'd already stopped by for the flower. That they didn’t forget about her.

Esther would stare back with nothing but emptiness. She hated herself for sleeping through it, for not realising they came to her doorstep without saying a single word to her. She wanted to cry and punch the walls, but she didn’t have any energy nor tears left.

“Do you know what purple hyacinths symbolise?” Esther asked, to which Elsa shook her head to. “Sorrow. They’re given to someone to ask for their forgiveness.” 

Elsa turned quiet after that, and her eager-to-please smile was gone. She fiddled with the needle she was holding, a torn shirt sprawled over her lap. 

Esther played with the dry petals in silence, everything about it bothering her. She didn’t even get the chance to admire it, to smell it and to put it in a vase before it filled the whole place in misery. 

She suspected it was Furlan’s doing. He always listened to her read about the flowers, but Levi always paid attention even when he didn’t seem like he was. No matter who left it under what circumstances, she kept it hidden in the pages of her book of flowers. It came from them, any of them, and she’d keep it safe beyond the ends of time.

Days passed by after that, followed by weeks and months. Her hope was a fragile glass, ready to be smashed into pieces with one single touch. It diminished until there was nothing left, and she forgot what it was like to laugh. It was strange because she never forgot a single thing, but happiness had been an exception. Even Elsa couldn’t fix it; couldn’t mend it with her needle and thread. It was bound to happen one day.

Esther kept the drawing she had of them close by. She looked at each of their faces before going to sleep and dreamt of them in her house with a flower garden. 

She would often cry until her head protested in the form of a headache, but she still kept cleaning their house with one last thread of hope hanging on for dear life. 

It snapped exactly three months after they left. 

It was a late Thursday evening. It was a night filled with stars, she could tell before she even made it to the opening. It was a night like many others, until it wasn’t.

She was on her way to the opening, the family portrait tucked away safely in her pocket. They were going to watch the stars together, and turn them into similar shapes like they usually did. She already asked for Elsa’s permission, she promised she wouldn’t run away again without letting her know first.

“Hey, you there.” A voice called for her attention, causing her steps to come to a halt. 

A young man was sitting against an abandoned building, a cardboard beneath him and fire going by his feet, illuminating his face only slightly. He beckoned her over with his hand. 

She didn’t budge. Her face read distrust, and her fingers were twitching to grab her knife.

“Come here, I need to ask you something. I need help. I can’t feel my legs, see?” He pointed at his limp legs, the thin layer of his pants covering them. 

Esther inspected him, unsure. 

“Please.” He begged, voice no louder than a whisper and heavy eyelids covering the top half of his irises. 

Esther glanced at the street that’d take her to the opening, and she turned her back to it. Her steps were slow and cautious as she approached the man, the heat of the fire beckoned her closer. 

“Thank you. I need help going home.” He raised a hand, asking for her to hold it. 

She hesitated.

“Do you have a name?” She asked, hands intertwined behind her defensively.

“Karl. I’m Karl. You?” 

“Esther.” She answered, and the man forced out a smile. 

His legs shifted and despite saying he couldn’t feel them, he managed to bend them with great force. 

“Nice to meet you, Esther. I’ve been trying to warm up here, but my muscles are weak. You’ll help me walk home, won’t you?” He asked, hand still waiting in the air. 

Esther’s eyebrows knitted in indecisiveness. I should say no, she thought to herself. I should just walk away. 

Levi always warned her not to talk to strangers, not to do favours for them and not to let them touch her, ever, in any way. But this man looked exhausted. He asked for help, and how many people in the Underground suffered the consequences because no one lent them a hand? 

“Alright.” Esther put her hand under his rough one, and helped him stand up even though she wasn’t much stronger than him. 

People with weak bones and muscles were common in the Underground. Furlan once told her it was because of the lack of sunlight. He said that was what happened to Yan. But Yan was lucky, he got to receive treatment at a first rate surface clinic. 

When he came back a few days ago, Esther rained down questions on him. Are you okay? How was the surface? Have you seen Levi and the others? Did they mention me? When are they coming back? 

Yan didn’t have the answers she wanted. He was as clueless as her. He said Scouts were located in Wall Rose. He said he hadn’t heard from them, and he watched her leave with a broken apology. 

“Thank you, it’s not far from here.” He said, gaining support from her and leading her towards the way she came from. His hand was warm from the fire, his skin callous around her small one. 

“Do you have a family?” He asked, and Esther didn’t know how to answer for a while. 

She once had a family, and a purple hyacinth asking for her forgiveness was all she had left of them now. They were somewhere out there, living and happy, and she was left alone like a piece of rag they didn’t have a use of anymore. 

She was angry and heartbroken for a while, she still was, but she was accepting it. Slowly but surely. She was always the runt in the litter, the weak one. They didn’t need her, they couldn’t afford to look after her out there. It was fine. It had to be fine, as long as they were happy. She would continue to cherish them no matter what.

“Yes.” She answered, it was physically impossible to deny it. She couldn’t erase what they’d been through together. They were her family, and they would stay that way forever and always.

“Where are they?”

“Outside. They joined the Survey Corps.” Her reply was short and simple, and Karl didn’t ask anything else after that. Maybe he didn’t care, maybe he didn’t have enough energy, she didn’t mind either way. 

She preferred not talking to people anymore. She didn’t feel like asking endless questions, and she didn’t feel like retelling stories exaggerated by ten. She didn’t feel like herself. It all seemed like a dream where she simply existed in a numb body and observed her surroundings. She never realised how dead everything in the Underground was. There was no life here. Levi, Furlan and Isabel were lucky, they managed to save themselves. She just had to do the same somehow.

“Through here.” Karl announced, approaching a dark alleyway. His eyes were completely black under the lack of illumination, matching his greasy hair. 

Esther paused, causing Karl to do the same and to look down at her in confusion.

“There isn’t a house here. This is a dead end.” She stated, and felt his hand tighten around hers. She knew then, that she should’ve said no. She should’ve walked away. She should’ve listened to Levi.

“Yes, there is. I live here.” Karl insisted, and Esther shook her head, trying to take a step back. 

She knew each street and corner by heart. Levi made sure she memorised everything down to the door numbers before every job. They were standing before a dead end, and she wouldn’t be convinced otherwise because she knew.

“Come on, it’s just at the end of this street.” He pulled her against him, forcing her to walk. 

Esther realised he wasn’t having trouble with his legs anymore, and she regretted every step she took to get there.

“I said no! Let go of me!” She shouted, punching his wrist with her free hand just like she was once thought. 

His fingers were caged around her wrist, causing her skin to tingle with numbness. Her hits felt like bee stings against his skin, nothing more.

“Almost there now. Be quiet.” He mumbled, not doing anything to stop her from screaming. He didn’t need to, there was no one in the vicinity who could hear her. 

She dug her heels into the ground, trying to stop him from dragging her into the alley. She couldn’t let herself be cornered; Levi would be so mad. He warned her not to get herself trapped ever again, and this time he wasn’t here to save her.

Panicked tears blurred her view, and her heart started its familiar assault on her chest. The fear of the unknown of what was going to happen to her was blinding, it numbed her brain. Her limbs got tangled and she didn’t know how to escape.

What are you doing? A sudden voice rang in her head, dilating her pupils and causing a cold drop of sweat to slide from her nape. It didn’t belong to her, but it felt like her own at the same time. It was painfully louder than her own screaming dread. 

You have to fight, you have to survive. You know this. If you don't fight, you can't win. 

Esther felt a shiver travel down her spine, the sensation caused her bottom lip to tremble. 

Fight, now.

A shaky breath left her lips, and a tear that felt frozen slid down her cheek. She looked behind her at the entrance of the alley where her escape was.

A name was at the tip of her tongue, ready to echo into the night as she shouted for help, but she knew she was alone. She knew she had no one but herself, and nothing but the knife in her waistband. 

Karl was eyeing a dumpster, and Karl wasn’t paying attention to her weak attempts at escaping from his grasp. His negligence was the reason why he couldn’t notice the sharp blink of the knife as it slit his skin open. 

“What the fuck!?” He instinctively let go of her and clutched his bleeding wrist as curses left his mouth. 

She immediately stepped away, pressing her back against the wall and holding up the knife. Her thumb capped the handle, and the sharp edge faced inside, the tip ready to be thrusted into his body if he so much as advanced at her.

“Go away, please!” Her voice shook, and it sounded more than a simple plea. A plea not for him to spare her from himself, but from the inevitability of fate. From what was about to happen, from a point of no return. 

Her hand around the knife was way too tight, and it trembled with the possibility of what she might have to do if she wanted to survive. There wasn’t a Levi who’d make the decision and act on it for her now. It was her. It was all her, and she was alone. 

“You bitch! You stabbed me!” He struggled to stop his bleeding, pain taking over every single muscle on his face. 

He took two big steps forward, ready to tackle Esther and to take out his pain, to get his revenge. 

Fight! The voice encouraged, furious and alarmed. It vibrated in her brain with hypnotising waves as she turned the knife around, slashing his hand open before he could lay it on her. 

Blood splattered on her face, mixing with her tears. She turned it around again, and thrusted it into his leg, just above his kneecap. Out, and in again as he fell down with his wall of curses. 

Fight! You have to survive! You have to live!

The knife made itself a home in his stomach, more than once. Esther crawled over him, legs straddling his body with holes in it, blood leaking out and turning him weak and motionless. Just like he pretended to be when they met. Just like he deserved to be.

“I said no! No!” The scream left her throat dry and sore, and the pent up frustration, heartbreak and fury left her body in an instant with each thrust of her knife. 

It didn’t feel like anything. No sound came out of his body as life left his eyes, and as blood leaked from his mouth with a final gurgle. The red staining her clothes and rolling from her face didn’t feel like anything. They were warm, and they were everywhere, and they mixed with her tears as she planted the knife in his heart for the last time, sobbing before his lifeless eyes. They were so dark that she couldn’t see her own terrified reflection anymore.

Her hands trembled furiously, her chest heaved in a state of panic and adrenaline. A dead body was lying beneath her, the life taken by her shaking hands. 

She thought of her mama again, as Karl’s empty eyes stared at the stars of the Underground skies. She didn’t even know why. 

She thought of Levi, who was everything she ever wanted to be. Was this it, then? Was she going to be like him now? Was this the price of being as strong as him? A knife planted into a non-beating heart?

“Levi!” Esther screamed into the night, knees digging into the cold hard ground on each side of the corpse’s waist. “Why won’t you come back!? I’m sorry, please come home! Don’t leave me here, please! Please, please, please!” 

And she cried, all alone as she usually was. Stars weren’t there to console her that night. Her knife was stained and sticky in her palm. Her body shook with sobs. 

She could barely remember walking back to Elsa’s house afterwards. Her legs trembled through the night, and her tears wouldn’t stop for hours. 

Levi, Levi, Levi… Where are you? Why won’t you save me?

It was a night like many others, until it wasn’t. It was the night she killed a soul for the first time in her life, with the knife Levi had gifted her. 

Elsa was shocked when Esther knocked on her door, covered in blood and teardrops. She cleaned her up, she threw her clothes away. Esther yelled at her, she protested and warned her not to touch Isabel’s gift. 

The tunic ended up in trash despite her objections, and she had to console herself with the boots Furlan gifted her. At least they could be saved. At least she still remembered him. 

Elsa questioned her and tried to take her knife away. Esther wouldn’t let her. She cleaned it herself. She never let go of it for hours, lying at night with it under her pillow. 

As a last resort, Elsa made Emmanuel talk to Esther the next day. She made him interrogate her and find out what had happened, but Esther’s lips were sewn shut. It was painful to talk about it, let alone think it. She stared at the table and squeezed the hem of her new shirt. It wasn’t as soft as her previous one.

She wasn’t quite the same after that night. A sight of a Military Police simply paying the city a visit rendered her pale, the fear of being sent to the dungeons turning her blood cold. She was too afraid to go back to the opening now, too hesitant to see the stars.

I’m sorry I can’t visit anymore, She apologised, eyes on the minerals of the Underground skies. 

She talked less, and never smiled. Nightmares had a steel clutch on her. She couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t eat for a while. Some nights she could have sworn she heard Levi’s voice, like he was still there. She could feel his touch on her temples. Her eyebrows would furrow; her fingers desperately curling into a fist to catch the air. She could swear he was still there for her, even when he wasn’t.

A year after they left, her cheekbones were more pronounced than they ever were.

Esther sat by the entrance of Elsa’s shop as she worked at her wide table, sewing a dress for her that she promised she’d make ages ago. Her foot worked the pedal of the machine carefully, the whirring sound calming her mind. 

A whole year passed since they’d left. She leaned her head against the door and closed her eyes. She had nothing to accept anymore. Not one mission of theirs took this long. They were never coming back, that much was obvious. And it hurt. It shouldn’t have, because she knew they wouldn’t remember her anymore. But they were so determined to make her believe otherwise, so bent on coming back to her. She feared that something had happened to them. She feared that maybe they weren’t happy out there, that maybe they just couldn’t turn back. It was worse than being abandoned intentionally, and she prayed to no one that that wasn’t the case. 

“Extra! Extra! Wall Maria fell yesterday morning! Read all about it!” A paperboy shouted in the middle of the street, his cap dropping shadows on his eyes. 

Esther’s eyes snapped open, and she searched for his familiar face, her book forgotten on the floor. The news made alarm bells ring in her head, and she was on her feet before she even realised it.

“Esther? Where are you going?” Elsa called after her, but her attempts were futile. She didn’t answer, and approached the paperboy who was slightly older than her. She passed the dirty street and vendors, coming to a halt right behind him.

“Extra! Extra! Wall Maria is no more!” His voice was unbearably louder up close.

“Let me see.” Esther reached out a hand to grab a newspaper, but the boy stepped out of her reach.

“You have to pay first.” He said, a protective hand resting on his papers.

Esther huffed and searched her empty pockets, a lucky coin touching her fingertips. She gave it to the boy, hoping it was enough.

The boy let her have the newspaper, making her sigh in relief. She carried it back to Elsa’s shop, the news of Maria falling still being announced after her. 

She laid open the first page on the floor, scrap fabrics surrounding her. A grand illustration of the walls was displayed in the middle, Maria bearing run down walls as smoke rose from uninhabited houses. The article mentioned an Armoured and a Colossal Titan breaking through the walls in seconds, thousands of refugees now entering Wall Rose, and children left orphaned and traumatised. Estimates held that nearly 10.000 lives were lost. A crisis of insufficient food was in question as Rose’s population doubled in a single day.

Elsa wasn’t too interested in the news. 

“Wall Maria is miles away. The titans won’t reach Wall Sina, let alone the Underground.” She said, trying to reassure her. That wasn’t what Esther cared about.

“There’s no mention of the Scouts. Where do you think they are? Do you think they got hurt?” She asked, eyes skimming the article again and again to find a clue about the fate of her family. Anything would do, but she frustratingly came up empty.

“I think they would mention it if something happened to them.” Elsa tried to console, the sound of the machine muffling her voice.

Her words made her feel better only slightly. It was true, whether she liked being uninformed or not, and it was better than receiving bad news. The fall of their outer and biggest wall wasn’t exactly great news, but she didn’t have the mentality to grasp the horrors of what the residents of Maria must’ve gone through. She’d never seen a titan in her life, she couldn’t imagine what it must’ve been like to lose a home because of them, to see someone get eaten by them, let alone understand and emphasise. 

The following few days were filled with newspaper articles and chasing after paperboys. She managed to find out that the Scouts had just returned from an expedition before Maria fell, and they were headed to Wall Sina as the Colossal appeared. They were headed to Wall Sina. 

It was unexpected and strange to be fed crumbs of hope again, to wait and to dream as she lied on the couch and stared at the empty ceiling with her doll by her side. Levi and the others were so close. They were just above her, somewhere at the surface level. She wanted to run to the opening that she involuntarily abandoned visiting. She wanted to shout at the sky and hope they could hear, but a single question stopped her uncontainable desire. 

Why haven’t they knocked on her door yet? Why haven’t they opened their arms and told her she was free? Why hadn’t Furlan returned with roses and lilies, and Isabel with expensive hair clips? 

“Elsa,” She mumbled one morning, tired eyes staring at her plate of scarce olives and cheese. A half eaten slice of bread was dipped into butter. “How can I join the Survey Corps?” 

Elsa paused by the counter, hands halting their mission of slicing the cucumber. Her copper hair was in a neat bun, and her eyes were motionless as she stared at her knife. The question was expected, but the chilling effect it left on her was not.

“You can’t, Esther. You’re too young.” Elsa replied, and hoped it was enough of an answer to shut down the topic forever. It was wishful thinking.

“When can I join, then?” 

“Esther, you-“ Elsa dropped her knife with a sigh, her eyelids were lowered as she grabbed the counter. “You shouldn’t think about things like that. It’s too dangerous.”

“So is the life here. I made up my mind.”

“When?”

“Last night.” 

“Esther!” Elsa turned around with a frown. She found worrying about the young girl to be a common feat in her daily life. Esther couldn’t be held captive, she was always running somewhere, in search of someone and even if she asked for permission, Elsa doubted she ever had the option to say no. 

“What? Why do you care? You’ll be rid of me, don’t you want that?” Esther asked, half lidded eyes avoiding eye contact. She missed Elsa’s offended intake of breath.

“Of course not! I don’t want you to sign up for your death! I know you miss them, but this is hardly an excuse-“

“When can I sign up?” She interrupted, insistent on finding the information. 

Elsa scratched her eyebrow, drops of sweat gathering on the skin of her temple. She heard stories about this event, mothers of the walls having fights with their children as they announced they were going to become a soldier, not understanding what it really meant. Elsa wasn’t a mother, nor Esther her daughter. They hardly knew each other, but having the talk of joining the Survey Corps didn’t feel pleasant at all. 

She looked at her face once, and she knew she couldn’t cage her in. Esther had to be free, she had to find her family, because she was barely living without them. Because her breath of fresh air, her will to live resided above the ceiling over their heads. She needed to see the stars, to be surrounded by flowers, otherwise she’d wither like one without the sunlight.

“The minimum age to enlist is twelve.” She answered, and Esther closed her eyes in a moment of disappointment. Elbows resting on the red tablecloth, she grabbed the roots of her hair, pulling them out, as she was displeased and frustrated by the answer she got.

“I can’t wait for two more years. They’ll forget about me. I need to leave now.” She murmured, helpless and irritated. 

Elsa pulled back the chair in front of her and took a seat, drying her hands on her stained apron. 

“He’ll- They’ll never forget about you.” She stuttered a reassurance, but Esther wasn’t in the mood to pay any attention to it. She had her fair share of lies and meaningless promises uttered only to make her feel better. 

“Is that why I’m still here while they’re out there?” Esther questioned, guilt trapping her heart immediately after and making her lower her hands, leaving her long hair in a messy state. “I’m sorry, Elsa. You’re so kind to me, I’m grateful. I’m just… I can’t-“

“I know.” Elsa put her hands over hers, covering her with warmth and a touch of kindness. “You miss them. You want to be with them. You wonder what happened to them. I understand. I can’t imagine my brother joining the Survey Corps only for me to never hear from him again. But you can’t make any rash decisions, alright? Two years is exactly what you need. You need time to think this over, to understand what it means, to let everything sink in and most importantly; you need to grow up to make the best decision for yourself. Do you understand?” 

Esther weighed her words in silence, stared at the half touched food on her plate and soaked in the warmth of Elsa’s hands. 

She couldn’t lie, she didn’t understand or know much about what the Scouts did except for exploring the outside world and killing titans. She didn’t know much about the Military Police either, except for the fact that they were a nuisance. The Garrisons were a blank canvas in her head, and she didn’t know if there were any other regiments. All she knew and cared about was that becoming a soldier was her only ticket out of the Underground, and the Survey Corps was where her heart needed to be. 

“I’ll think about it.” Esther said eventually, sprinkling water over Elsa’s worries momentarily. “But I told you, I made up my mind. I don’t care what the Survey Corps does. Levi, Furlan and Isabel protected me from humans, they’ll protect me from the titans too. I’m not afraid.” 

Not much came out of Elsa’s mouth after that. What could stop her from running after her family, when even the threat of being killed by a titan couldn’t change her mind? Her words would have no effect, she knew it already. 

She knew it before two years filled with suspense came to pass. She knew it when Esther left to go back to her old home at least twice a week, coming back with materials she once used to clean and to maintain the ODM gear, always practicing and never forgetting how they worked even if she never got to operate one. 

Elsa sat and waited. Elsa sewed up dresses and shirts, woke her up from her nightmares and caressed her hair, tried brewing teas that couldn’t hold a candle to Levi’s. Esther wouldn’t look back when the time came, Elsa already knew. And she tried her best to cherish a childhood that was passing right before her eyes, filled with everything a child shouldn’t have felt.

Chapter Text

Year 848

When Esther flew, she did it with the unparalleled freedom that carried her body higher than the tallest trees she’d ever known. 

Her ODM gear was attached to the belts supporting her body, and even their presence couldn’t keep the bursting feeling inside, the need to have more air in her lungs and no ground beneath her feet. The urge to feel the wind render her hair weightless, and the love she had for the sight of sunset as she rose above the branches with a powerful burst. Everything about having wings was unmatched. 

She quite often wondered if Levi felt the same addiction when he first got out, when he joined the Scouts and travelled beyond the walls. It was above and beyond what they used to dream of, and he achieved it with Furlan and Isabel by his side.

Sometimes she was forced to understand why they never came back. Once she got a taste of being pulled far away by her wires, she never ever thought of letting it go. It was hypnotising, and manipulative. Being able to fly would make one drop everything they ever possessed, because people born in the Underground had never known freedom other than the yearning for it. 

She just couldn’t understand- She wasn’t able to grasp why they couldn’t take her with them. She couldn’t understand why they had to lie to her. It frustrated her as much as the memory of their last goodbye. She could still feel their arms around her body and hear their voices speaking calmly into her hair, uttering reassurances that turned out to be blatant lies.

Another powerful burst, and the golden sun blinked at her, radiating a scarlet glare before it’d finally disappear for the night. 

She couldn’t understand why Eren had to lie to her. She was just never able to figure out the secret trait of hers that pushed people away, because it couldn’t have been anyone’s fault but hers. If more than three people had shown the same cruelty to her, if everyone she felt close to betrayed her trust, then it had to be her fault. 

One more burst, and she was almost out of gas.

Esther was all by herself, and she was convinced that she’d always be alone. Like the blood stain on her hands, it was a curse attached to her hip since birth that she just couldn’t get rid of; precisely because she already came to peace with it. 

The problem was, she had the weight of never being able to let go on her shoulders as well, and it was why she just couldn’t let her family go. It was the rigid chains wrapped around her wrists, climbing all the way up to her neck and choking her, holding and controlling her whole being.

She’d find them, and she would demand the reason why they left her. She’d beg them to make her understand, and if they still wanted her gone… Then she’d grant their wish. She’d stay out of their way and live for nothing else but the feeling of breeze in her hair. 

She’d like to believe that she could do that. She’d like to believe that her own weak source would be enough to shine a light on her path for the rest of her life. She desperately wanted to believe that her chains would turn to dust no matter the outcome.

As the sun went to sleep, Esther’s feet touched the ground. She always had difficulty walking straight right after spending time in the air, the little sway made her giggle often times. Not that evening. 

She was heartbroken about a lot of things, but the most recent one was still as fresh as the two drops of tears she set free on the night of the incident. 

Eren never approached her after the last time they looked each other in the eye at the bookstore, and Esther tried her best not to acknowledge him. There was an incessant pull in her mind that begged her to at least glance at him, but she believed she’d only embarrass herself if she did so. Because he was right. She had her meals alone, and she sat by herself at the lectures; not talking to anyone in between the breaks because she didn’t know how to approach people. All she ever did was train during her free time and even the flowerpot on the bedside table she shared with Annie seemed to pity her. 

The petals were often downcast as if they felt sad for her, and she tried her best to lift their spirits up by keeping the soil damp and by placing the pot in the sunlight, because she couldn’t do the same for her own miserable self. She’d talk to them; she even stupidly named them after the three members of her found and lost family. It didn’t seem to work.

The only good memory she had of the last few days was Annie’s comment about the new flowers. 

“These smell nice.” She’d said, and probably didn’t even think of it ever again, but Esther smiled to herself in her bed. Each following day, she watered the jasmines with an additional encouragement of Annie’s liking to them. 

She left her gear at the storage before heading to the dormitory. Her body had a sweet ache starting to form in her muscles, a reminder of a training well spent. 

Her turns got better each day, and the grip she had on her operating devices was more solid than ever while the blades were attached. Her growing skill on guiding her body into a spin without getting tangled up in the wires were getting easier to perform, and she often found herself wondering what Levi would think of her now. Furlan was always cautious but supportive nevertheless, and Isabel never had the ability to not encourage her with every minor task she performed. Levi, on the other hand, would probably find five hundred mistakes in a single technique of hers. 

She almost found it in herself to smile at the thought, his unimpressed stare doing its best to bury her beneath the earth with embarrassment, but the call of her name dissipated the little bubble that isolated her mind from the rest of the world.

“Esther, can I talk to you?” 

It was Eren. 

His voice rendered her powerless the moment he spoke, and she found it difficult to keep walking. 

Her feet were glued to the ground, icy spikes keeping it in place, and she looked over her shoulder unsurely. Her hair was in a loose braid, and shorter strands escaped to somewhat cover her face, hiding her behind bars as he stood right behind her with an expression she couldn’t decipher. 

He had a hand hiding behind him, and a white cloth was wrapped around something in his other hand. He was out of his uniform already, and he looked tired. The spots beneath his eyes were darker than usual, and even his eyebrows couldn’t challenge the energy to form a frown. He simply wanted to talk, and Esther just couldn’t find it in herself to walk away. 

“What do you want?” She asked bitterly, an underlying expectancy beneath her voice as she waited for him to give her a solid reason for her to fully turn to face him. 

He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, giving off the impression that he was nervous, which was ironic in itself because Esther was feeling the same way; all because of him.

“I want to apologise.” Eren said, and revealed the contents he was hiding behind his back, which turned out to be withered and shrunk common daisies. They were small and fragile in his firm grip, some of them barely hanging onto the stem. “For you.” 

Esther remained without a response, not knowing how to proceed with her non-options. She thought he was mocking her at first, that he was trying to get a reaction out of her, but his eyes were unblinking, and the expectant look on his tense face indicated that the faded flowers were meant to win back her heart and trust. 

He patiently waited with his hand in the air for her to either take the flowers or throw them away. He only needed her to acknowledge his effort.

“Did you pick them?” Esther asked, slowly turning to him and planting seeds of encouragement in his heart.

“Yes.” He quickly answered as Esther raised a hand to take the poor flowers from his not-so-gentle touch. 

Eren happily let her, and watched her hold them gently in her palm. They barely reached the base of her joints, and it was clear that they were either picked too early or the cold weather killed them without mercy before they could prosper. 

Still, she couldn’t find it in herself to dislike them. The petals were clean and white, so small yet so diligent. Even the lack of life wasn’t able to dim their loveliness. However, she felt hesitant telling him that. Those nice words with warm expressions of gratitude were too guarded to face him.

Her fingers grazed the flowers, and no matter how shy, she still wanted to let him know that his little gift made her happy, made her feel thought of. She wanted him to know that taking the daisies from his hand made her feel something warm, and she wanted him to know how much he broke her heart.

“I thought you found them stupid,” She said. Words left her mouth in something akin to a whisper, but they were too loud for Eren.

He glanced down, nudged the scarce pebbles near his boots, raised dust and wished he never invited her to that bookstore in the first place. 

“You love them.” Eren shrugged, and somehow his reply didn’t make her feel any better. 

Esther looked down at the withered flowers, and she wondered if he treated them so badly because of his opinion on them. If that was the case, she wished nothing but to return them to their roots and apologise, to tell him not to harm them again because of her. 

Maybe Eren didn’t care, maybe he viewed her as a bland girl with no interests other than flowers, and maybe his little gesture was a half-hearted one; but Esther did care. It was all she ever had; love for flowers and wonder for life above the earth. Those two things weren’t so different, really. The Underground was nothing but a graveyard where they lived almost at the same level as the corpses of the free people of Sina. The soil couldn’t bear life and fresh air for anyone except for the ants who lived off of the crumbs of the walls. Flowers thrived above ground. That was where Esther needed to be, and now that she'd achieved it, she doubted she could put shackles on her ankles ever again. 

But then again, Eren didn’t know a single thing about her; and in her bitterness against liars, she didn’t realise that she had become one herself. 

“I brought sandwiches.” Eren lifted his hand slightly, showing her the clothed item.

The irrelevant interruption made her look up. 

He walked past her towards the bench they used to share, where they would soak up the silence under the watchful eyes of the stars. That was before he smeared the comforting routine of theirs with hurtful words.

His invitation was silent, and Esther couldn’t figure out why her own feet followed him so easily and naturally; too stubborn for her protesting dejection.

They sat under the navy sky. The moon stood high on his left, and the stars were gathered around as valuable witnesses. An owl flapped its wings, and the breeze gave its kind farewell for a while.

He unfolded the fabric, and Esther watched him with silent questions circling her mind. She’d been wanting to ask him why he lied to her, and why he discarded her feelings so cruelly like they were lesser than a speck of dust in the air. She wanted him to explain it to her, because no one ever would. 

No one answered her questions, lifted her doubts nor eased her mind anymore. No one patted her head and sent a stern glare at her tormenting worries anymore. Who was she supposed to talk to? All she had was a deeply rooted hostility in her head, which was directed at no one but herself, and she reached a point where she just wanted to drown in silence; because she couldn’t stand her own voice anymore either. 

Eren revealed two sandwiches that he’d most likely taken from the mess hall, and handed her the one on top. 

She grabbed it silently, but didn’t attempt to take a bite. He noticed it, and understood her hesitancy and the apprehensive glances she’d steal from him. However, it didn’t mean that he liked it one bit. 

The flowers were safely tucked into her secure hold.

“You don’t have to hold onto them.” Eren said.

He looked at his sandwich. His fingers were moving on their own accord, absentmindedly peeling off the crusty edges. 

“Then why did you give them to me?” Esther frowned, feeling the claws of frustration slowly climb up the path towards her nape.

His actions were confusing, and his motives were a secret. She couldn’t figure him out, and it was infuriating to try. 

Whatever his reasons were, he went out of his way and picked daisies for her when all she ever wanted was a forgivable explanation. And whatever his intentions were, he still lied to her, and Esther was running out of patience with those who disregarded her feelings for petty deceptions.

“Because I didn’t know what else to do.” Eren’s reply came quick, pulled out by a half-hearted voice. “You wouldn’t look at me.”

Esther waited and waited. She searched for the eventual movement of his lips, waited for reassurances and apologies to fall. She waited for him to realise that he was the one who wouldn’t look at her, who took his sweet time approaching her. But they never came, and she understood; because she didn’t know what to do either. 

A sigh left her lips as she lowered her tired eyes. The weak breeze was returning. It nudged the petals and tried to bring them back to life. Only, the daisies were long gone and they could do nothing but sway limply.

“I’ll stop talking about flowers,” Esther muttered. “And, if you want, I’ll stay away from you too.”

Her mind was scolding her, but her heart was encouraging. She didn’t want to suppress another part of her to appeal to him, but she didn’t want him to pity her either. 

She never knew how to make a friend. She had no idea what friends talked about when they were together, and it must’ve been her fault, because Eren had friends. It must’ve been her fault that she didn’t know when to shut up, when to step back and to know her place. 

There were things she was never ready for. Levi used to make a long list of things she lacked just to keep her away from the unknown. If only he was here to warn her, maybe then she’d know what to do.

“Don’t.” Eren’s reply came quick. Her thoughts scattered around at the sound of his agitated voice. “Don’t stop talking about them. Don’t stay away from me either.”

Esther’s eyes were confused and thoughtful as they watched him. His frown was directed at his uneaten sandwich, and he’d been purposefully avoiding her eyes for a while now. 

Wind gained speed and pushed their hair back as if it wanted to lift the weak barrier between them.

“Then what do you want me to do?” Esther asked helplessly. A gentle, frail voice; barely audible. The questions weren’t violently pushing each other to make themselves heard anymore. They’d given up already, leaving their places for new ones. “You invite me to town just to say that you feel bad for me, that my flowers are stupid. When I offer to stop talking about them and to stay away from you, you tell me not to. What am I supposed to do?”

“Your flowers aren’t stupid.” He sighed, and lifted his head for the first time in a while. 

When their eyes made contact, Esther found it hard to speak. Her frustration was stuffed back in her mouth and she helplessly closed her lips. Their burden was heavy, and the pressure made her eyes sting. The stars in his eyes made her pout involuntarily, and she tried so hard to keep her bottom lip from trembling.

She looked away quickly, already aware of how pathetic she might’ve looked. She was always chasing answers and the truth, but when it was revealed to her, all she could do was to tremble before their overwhelming force like a little kid. It was almost like she didn’t want to learn anything, that she was just meant to run and run and nothing else.

“Your flowers aren’t stupid,” Eren repeated like she was missing a point. “I want you to keep talking about them.”

Esther didn’t look at him. Her frown deepened, and she clenched her teeth. She threatened her tears, but then realised how inferior she was before their presence. She begged them not to fall instead.

“Why?”

Eren’s shrug came a little late. His eyes followed a single treacherous tear slide down her cheek, before she quickly wiped it away. The back of her hand smeared the dampness, and the withered flowers caressed the skin below her eye.

“Do you know about the sea?” He asked suddenly, and Esther paused.

“The sea?” She sniffed, giving him a confused look.

“Yeah. Armin used to talk about it when we were little. Apparently, it’s a huge body of water that covers the earth. He wouldn’t shut up about it, and I never wanted him to.” He cast his eyes down once again, guilty and reminiscent at the same time. “I’d see it in my dreams, and I’d run to him first thing in the morning to tell him all about it.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” Esther blinked.

“I have nightmares,” Eren continued. “I can’t remember them when I wake up, but I still lose sleep. Every time I try to remember, I feel like my head will split open in two.”

Esther sniffed once more, involuntarily turning her face in his direction. She didn’t understand his point nor the reason why he was bringing this up now.

“When I first met you, I dreamt of a lavender by the mess hall. I don’t understand why I still remember it when I can’t even recall any of my nightmares, but I’ve been wanting to tell you about it. I’ve been wanting to tell you that I haven’t been bothered by my nightmares as much since we’ve met.” Eren struggled to free his words, to break the irritating barrier sitting heavy in his throat. His fingertips dug into the soft bread, and the frown on his face was mad at him; at how he so easily made himself look weak for the sake of honesty.

“I want you to keep talking about your flowers. So, please, tell me.” He managed to confess, to own up to his pathetic behaviour at least in the slightest, and to hope that she would be able to pick the crumbs of his guilt in his frown as he looked at her. And this time, she didn’t run away.

Esther let him capture her eyes, because she didn’t know what else to do. Her lips were parted, and she was dumbfounded by him. Her head couldn’t wrap itself around his words offered in a subdued tone. Even her heart paused and gave him the benefit of the doubt. 

She looked down at the daisies. Her hand was trembling very slightly. 

She wanted… She wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him all about lilies and asters, about roses and carnations. She wanted to read him her book, and she wanted him to listen. She wanted him to ask her questions, and she wanted him to tell her about his dreams in return.

Her fingers tightened around the stems. 

“A common- A common daisy is-“ Esther hesitated before a determined gulp eased her stutter away. “A common daisy is not really a single flower, it’s actually a blend of lots of tiny flowers which make the yellow part in the middle. Each petal is an individual flower.” 

Her explanation was brief, and she closed her lips right after. Her head was hanging low, and her eyes were trying to steal glances from him not so subtly, trying to catch a glimpse of annoyance or boredom.

Eren showed none, and listened attentively. 

“They’re also known as the Day’s Eye.” She added quietly without elaborating.

“What do they symbolise?” He asked, tipping his chin towards the ones she’d been holding. 

Her head rose slightly, and she let his question encourage her. But there was something else, a heinous doubt standing tall right behind her; engulfing her in its endless shadow and sharp claws.

“If you’re asking these just because you pity me-“

“I’m not. I don’t pity you.“ He shone light on her, and chased the shadow away. Slowly but surely, he made her believe him like a fool enthralled; like she’d been hopelessly desperate for something to ease her worries away, for someone to just accept all that she was.

“A book I have says that daisies bloom for new beginnings. But it also symbolises innocence and loyalty.” She tried not to ramble on about her book. “Some flowers have more than one meaning.”

Eren hummed.

“What about lavenders?”

“Serenity and peace of mind. They could mean devotion too.”

Eren paused at that. His eyes were lowered in thought, and his mind seemed to steer away from the conversation. 

Esther bit her lip, hesitant. Their sandwiches were long forgotten.

“Sometimes it’s easier to give someone a flower rather than talking to them.” She explained, twirling the daisies between her fingers. “Their language is honest, and simple. More straightforward than words.”

There was a memory, one she pushed far and far away. A purple hyacinth danced at the back of her mind, it was lonely and silent. Not an ounce of menace in its sway, the very thing that prevented Esther from hating it. 

It was a language she learned easier than the one she spoke. It was more painful, but less complicated to figure out.

“I see,” Eren hummed.

His eyes seemed to open a little wider, and his shoulders were relaxed. The light was coming back to him, slowly and shyly. He raised his hand, and took his first bite out of the sandwich, now misshapen from his inadvertent assault.

“Have you ever given someone a flower?” He asked, words blurred in his full cheeks. 

“I share my lavenders with Annie, because she likes the scent. But I never had to use them to say something.” 

She brought the sandwich to her lips, and took a small bite. The bread was soft, she recognised the taste of cooked eggs stuffed in between.

“What about my daisies? They don’t say much, do they?” Eren asked, his eyes shuttling between the withered flowers and the gravel beneath his feet. 

He was such an idiot. Such a fool for not thinking this through, for not picking something better for her, something prettier. Something alive, something that could talk to her and be honest. 

It wasn’t enough. His daisies were voiceless, muted by his recklessness. Yet, she still held onto them, kept them warm in her palm with her single teardrop already dry on the petals.

A sigh flared his nostrils, and his hands were lowered again. His shoulders were dropped, and the aura of confidence seemed to abandon Eren, unforgivingly disappointed in him. 

“I’m sorry.” The apology left his lips then, and the world watched in silence. 

He had to say it, to use his words, because his daisies couldn’t speak.

Esther stopped chewing. Her eyes stilled as they stared through the fences, and she forcefully gulped down her bite.

She inhaled, the flowers no longer bearing a comforting scent for her. She exhaled a shaky breath, and let his apology echo a thousand times in her head. 

She wanted to hear that for a long, long time. Not just from him, but from every single person that stabbed a hole into her heart. The blood was leaking all over now, and she needed those words to mend her for so long. 

She’d been burning up, walking on fire. She’d been freezing, buried underneath the snow. She’d been bleeding. She’d been heartbroken. She’d been seeking refuge under an apology that just wouldn’t accept her.

“Why- Why did you say those words?” She managed to ask through a whisper. It was carried by the breathy tone of her insecurity, and she couldn’t even finish the question fully. Why did you say those words behind my back? You were always there when I picked lavenders, did you not enjoy our time together? Why did you push me away even though you always hang out with me, just to come back to me again? I’m sorry, what have I done to you without even realising?

Eren refused eye contact. He was silent for a while, so quiet that her questions cruelly took advantage of the situation. They screamed at her, they made her sad. They made her desperate for a hint of hope, for a sign of something to give her a peace of mind. 

“I don’t know.” He said. After all that silence, he said he didn’t know. 

Esther stared at him, eyes stuck in an expression of cynicism.

“How can you not know? You said them. It means you were thinking of them.” She pushed, she insisted, and she did the reasoning in his stead. She tried, struggled, and she clung to the words he just wouldn’t say.

“I wasn’t thinking of anything. It just happened. I didn’t mean any of it.” He sighed, glancing at everything but her. At the empty field in front of them, at the moon and the dark shadows of tree branches lurking beneath their feet. At every single thing, but her vulnerable face. 

“You don’t have to forgive me,” Eren said hopelessly. He could see her shoulders tensing up from his peripheral vision.

Esther gave up, and Esther followed his eyes to the field that somehow managed to be the collector of their avoidances. 

She wondered if Eren ever had to apologise before. If he ever had to utter the word sorry as much as she did, as what he lacked in experience was what she envied in reality. She wondered if his lack of practice was the reason why he was so bad at it.

“But I do. I want to forgive you,” Esther whispered, defeated even without a fight. “I don’t want to stay away from you either.” 

Eren, despite his best efforts, stilled after her words. Her words that were shy and abashed but still honest, unlike his careless lie that drifted them apart. 

He didn’t care. It was an honesty he wasn’t expecting, and he didn’t care about the reason behind the encouragement it filled him with. It made his head stand higher, made him feel more air in his chest. It made the petals of his daisies perk up for the shortest moment as the wind flew past it.

He hopelessly tried not to look too relieved, and Esther attempted to appear nonchalant. She took another bite from her food, even smaller than the previous one. 

She ignored the voice yelling at her in her head, trying to make her believe that she was naive, that she was giving away something as valuable as forgiveness without a single thought. She ignored it, because holding a grudge was the spark of danger; a void that was too frightening for her. It was the remorse of a missed chance, and she had no idea what she could do with it. She was much too young for it, and way too tired already. 

She ignored it, because she just wished someone would forgive her too. She wished to know the feeling of relief, to know that her unintentional mistakes were no more.

But, just for tonight, she felt light despite not being the forgiven one. It was almost like an ominous shadow was sucked out of her soul. Her mind was at ease the moment Eren was let back into her mind, not like he’d ever left.

Forgiveness was so effortless, so eager to bring them back together; almost like it was conscious. Like it was aware of the fact that its absence was the reason why they drifted further apart than necessary.

Esther noticed his silence, and the faintest hint of a smile on his lips. 

“Tell me about the sea.” She gave a timid suggestion, and Eren obliged.

“It’s a huge body of water that covers the majority of the earth, or so Armin says. He claims there are fiery waters and lands with mountains of ice.” He looked into the distance, a world that he’d never seen coming to life before his eyes, where Esther watched the blinking reflection of stars.

“Mountains of ice? Like the one we climbed?” She asked, a glimpse of genuine wonder carrying her voice.

“Yes, but it’s completely made out of ice.”

Esther looked up, taking a moment to think.

“You can’t climb it. You would slip.” She concluded.

“Maybe it has stairs.” Eren shrugged and got back to his sandwich, feeling more comfortable in her company. The familiarity was slowly engulfing them, making them forget about the heartbreak that shattered the bookshelves.

“And the fiery waters? Can you swim in that?” She asked, trying to imagine a sight of sizzling cobblestones with sparks flying everywhere. Or maybe it would resemble more of a water puddle after rain; nothing big, nothing dangerous.

“Of course not, you’d burn.” Eren gave her a side-eye. Esther looked down, embarrassed.

“Right.” She nipped at the bread, thinking of the world that was too big even for her imagination. The promise of undiscovered lands with abandoned mysteries made her want to ask more questions.

“How does he know all this?” She asked.

“From an old book,” Eren shrugged. “I can ask him to show it to you.”

“Oh, that’s not necessary-“

“I’ll ask him.” He cut her short, his voice not being accommodating to any objections. 

Esther nodded in acceptance. He wasn’t going to listen to her no matter how much she’d try to reassure him of the unencessity of it, and she wasn’t quite eager to deny her curiosity and eagerness either. 

Silence accompanied them well as they sat next to each other, eating and gazing at the twinkling canvas above their heads. It was so easy for her to fall back into routine, to cling to what she once had and what she was comfortable with. It was nothing but enigmatically natural for her to find comfort in lack of sound when Eren was right there next to her. She didn’t understand why. 

Esther was good at being taught lessons and warnings, but she was never able to figure things out on her own before it was already too late, before she was left trembling with realisation. So she let it go, and she let herself breathe in the ignorance and uncertainty. She let it have a hold of her mind until they left each other’s company with sandwiches gone and questions dimmed. Even after that, she didn’t question. Her thoughts were numb. Her body was aching to get rid of her uniform and to slip under the covers for a good night’s sleep at dreamland. 

When she reached her bed, the withered daisies made themselves a home in between the pages of her book.

༻✿༺

Erwin Smith had been the Commander of the Survey Corps for a couple of years now, everyone knew his name and who he was. The whispers of him travelled from one mouth to another, and his debatable success was a carrying factor.

Death rates dropped significantly, the cadets would always say after the news of an expedition. His face, on the other hand, wasn’t as famous. Esther had never seen him, she hadn’t seen a single member of the Survey Corps ever since that one eventful day, and her innocent hopes of sharing the same base as them during her training years were crushed as soon as she enlisted. 

It wasn’t unusual for cadets to bring up the Commander’s name from now and then, and sullenly talk about a new expedition beyond the walls each month. 

Esther was cleaning her manoeuvre gear after an efficient solo training. The door to the storage room was ajar and she lost count of how many times she heard his name coming from a passing cadet. 

Everyone was discussing the news that traveled at noon, a couple hours after the Scouts returned from the 39th Expedition. She got used to the monthly occurrence after a while, no one seemed to talk about anything else than the unfortunate deaths of soldiers on a perfectly sunny day after thaw.

The shorter hair strands on her nape were sticking to her skin from gathered sweat, and her hands were growing to be rougher the longer she handled the manoeuvre gear. 

She paused with her cleaning cloth in hand, her fingers grazing the skin of her palm. Redness was all over, and the joints of her fingers were bruised from constantly pulling triggers and applying pressure to cut the training dummies. Her hands trembled often times, an uncontrollable exhaustion that weakened and pulled at her muscles. Sometimes it hurt to close her fingers into a fist, and sometimes it hurt to open them. She got stiff on a cold morning, and wobbly at nighttime. 

A tired sigh left her lips, a silent one with tons of weights crushing the floor she was standing on, and she lowered her hands.

Just a couple more months and she’d enter her last year in the Cadet Corps. After that, it’d only take another year before she’d find herself in the Survey Corps. The reality of it was getting heavier and heavier as time progressed, yet she was still pushing it at the end of her priorities. She was doing this for herself, and delaying the thoughts of inevitable horrors she’d have to face in the near future was simply easier to do. 

Esther folded her cloth over, switching to the clean side as Annie slid between the ajar doors of the storage room, suddenly and unexpectedly. She was clothed in her usual white hoodie along with her uniform, the brown jacket with the Cadet Corps emblem worn over it. 

She tucked her stray wisps of hair behind her ear and easily spotted Esther in the empty room. Her steps carried her with purpose, and Esther paused; the cloth resting motionless against the metal of her canister scabbard.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, watching her bunk mate lean against the counter she was currently occupying. 

Annie was rarely the one to approach someone willingly, let alone her. She answered Esther’s questions and entertained her little conversations with brief responses, but knew how and when to shut her up in silence. 

The fact that Esther told Annie about her childhood didn’t seem to change anything, except for the fact that Annie’s replies weren’t as dismissive anymore. Esther felt dubious at first, wondering if she unintentionally made Annie pity her. It was demoralising, and it was all because of the words Eren shot at her weakest spot. The words that altered the natural flow of her thoughts, because they belonged to him.

She never asked Annie and she swallowed her pride each time the doubts formed in her throat. She convinced her own self that Annie wasn’t the type of person to feel pity for someone, and she made herself believe that it was just a faint sign of trust she was receiving. Nothing more and nothing less. 

She didn’t reveal the acts of crimes and violence she committed, the blood she spilled and the tears she shed for the sake of survival. She wondered how that would change Annie’s attitude and opinion towards her, but she knew those were the stories she would never be able to tell anyone, ever.

Annie remained silent, her half lidded eyes inspecting the state of Esther’s gears. She had something on her mind, Esther could tell. Her eyes were glazed over, and if her thoughts were to have their own voices; the room would be blasting with deafening noise.

Esther lowered her hand, her cloth wrinkling in her tightening grip and the fabric reflecting the sudden foreboding she was feeling the longer Annie stayed quiet. 

“Is everything alright?” She tried again, a frown occupying her face. 

Annie looked up. Their eyes met in the void of the room, and she let Esther drown in the thoughts that were silent to her. The domination of stillness in the air was uncomfortable.

“The family you told me about,” Annie started and Esther’s heart leapt at the mention of it, its combination with Annie’s solemnity caused her to hold her rag just a little bit tighter. The fabric got smaller and smaller with each passing second. “What are you going to do if they’re dead already?” 

Esther was suddenly rendered mute. Her muscles felt like they were stiff enough to be considered frozen, and the state of her tongue wasn’t any different. Her expectantly widened eyes stared at Annie with nothing behind as if her question couldn’t be processed properly. 

Why was she asking her this? What was the purpose of it? And how was Esther supposed to answer such a dreadful question when she’d been refusing to think too much about the possibility of their deaths all this time? 

“I- Why-” She started, but her words were in disarray. A dry gulp helped her get rid of the lump of incomplete sentences. “Why are you asking me this?” 

“You say you want to join the Scouts to find them again. What if they aren’t there? What then?” Annie elaborated without answering her. Her persistence stirred her curiosity to keep asking until she received a satisfactory answer.

Esther’s lips moved as silent words left her mouth in the form of thin air. They were all jumbled and she was truthfully lost. She had no answer to her question, because she simply didn’t know what she would do; what she could do.

Esther entertained the thought of them being in danger when she was at her worst, but death wasn’t a concept she was eager to face. It was her biggest demon; her man with a gambler hat and a bloody knife, her little girl screaming into the night with empty lungs beneath her.

They can’t be dead, she concluded some time along the years. She felt like she would feel it. She felt like whatever remained from her heart would break into pieces until their souls blew its dust away. She felt like she would know it somehow, because there was no one in the entire world that deserved to know about their fates more than she did. 

They can’t be dead, she made herself believe. They can’t, because she wouldn’t know what to do or where to go. She wouldn’t know how to handle the grief that would block her path into the future. The grief she’d never known, but the grief that still made her chest hurt. The grief that would grow stronger and bigger by the ashes of her guilt. It would eat her alive from inside out for the nights she cried beneath the covers, feeling nothing but anger towards them for leaving her behind. 

Annie watched the sullen look on Esther’s face as she lowered her gaze. The inner corners of her eyebrows were raised to reflect the unbearable sadness of her thoughts, yet it couldn’t kindle a reaction on Annie’s deadpan face.

“I think it doesn’t matter. I just know that this is something I need to do, because I won’t be able to forgive myself if I let them go without even trying.” Esther answered with a calm voice. Her words were plain and somewhat truthful, and they were all she could conjure.

It does matter, her own inner voice was mad at her. It does matter! They’re not dead. They have no right to die without you.

Annie averted her eyes after a brief inspection, and a weak sigh flared her nostrils.

“You’re going to get yourself killed.” She said in return, her troubled words hiding behind the disguise of annoyance. She whispered them to the emptiness of the room, and Esther picked them up with a forced smile.

“Probably. But at least I’d have died with no regrets.” She shrugged, appearing anything but nonchalant.

But you will have regrets, her saddened voice trembled. You will regret letting them go, and you will regret more than anyone has ever regretted anything. You will regret so much that it will make your heart stop.

Esther blinked, swatting a desperate hand at the thoughts that just wouldn’t leave her alone. Annie’s clear eyes stared at her, silently loud as she contemplated something Esther couldn’t understand. Apperception passed by behind her blue eyes, and she turned her head to glance at the entrance of the storage room.

She could at least say their mindsets were a rare similarity they shared; except where Esther claimed she would have no regrets, Annie would have quite a few of them dragging her down with her last breath.

“I understand,” Annie said, and it was a rare honesty that Esther received without knowing. The honesty that decided in the stead of Annie not to keep the value of her recent information from Esther right then and there. Just for this once. “You should go to the mess hall.” 

Esther’s eyebrow twitched in confusion, her head tilting sideways to confirm that she heard her right.

“Mess hall? Why?”

“Just go.” Annie urged with an impatient sigh, pushing the gears on the counter aside. Esther let go without a fight. 

Her first few steps towards the door were hesitant, and she didn’t neglect to look over her shoulder a couple of times. Annie didn’t requite her gaze. Instead, she turned her back to the oblivious girl; leaning, waiting.

Esther couldn’t understand why. She couldn’t figure out why Annie was acting uncharacteristically amicable to her, more than she used to be with what little care she had to give, and her steps gained speed with the curiosity fuelled by the question marks pecking her head. 

The mess hall wasn’t far from the storage room. Esther’s hurried pace carried her to the mostly empty building under in two minutes. It was nowhere near dinner time yet, and the sun was slowly falling from its peak. The golden rays reached beyond the barrier of windows; the grilles breaking them apart and carving them onto the tables and chairs inside. 

“They say we lost at least thirteen soldiers. What a joke.” A voice filled the mess hall, the source unfamiliar to her.

A small number of cadets were gathered around a table with no lectures or training scheduled at the present moment. They sat down, some leaned against the table, some sat on the table and rested their boots on the chairs; elbows casually placed on their knees. 

The boy who talked was leaning against the back of his chair, arms crossed and mouth containing words and stories that were significant enough to capture the interest of the people around him. 

Esther paused by the entrance, directly under the warm touch of the sunbeams. Her clueless eyes searched the untaken seats for a hint at why Annie led her there, before her perked ears focused on the group’s discussion of the new expedition, no doubt.

“It’s horrible, but it’s not like they’d be able to do anything against a hoard that showed up out of nowhere. Can you imagine that the numbers were even higher before Commander Erwin?” Another added as he leaned against the table, his open palms resting on the rough surface.

“I can, actually. And it’d still be high now if Captain Levi wasn’t as strong as they say. I have no intention of joining the Scouts, but I’d love to see him in act-“ The previous boy’s sentence was interrupted by a loud scraping noise. 

Startled, the occupants of the table turned to see Esther; a wide eyed girl with her hands grabbing air, a chair pushed aside by its clumsy clash with her leg, almost ready to tip over. A stained cloth that she couldn’t manage to save was lying by her feet, the victim of her shock that barely avoided getting trapped between her steely fingers. 

“Wh- What are you looking at?” He asked. It was the one who’d been sitting down. The one who said Captain Levi. The one who had his voice echo in her head as the name ricocheted off her memories just to hit her present twice as hard. 

Levi, he said. Levi.

Her mind was in a state of an unexpected, relentless storm. Waves mercilessly crashed into the shore like the sea that Eren told her about. She dangerously wandered into the vicious waves and wondered. She wondered if the boy she’d never met was talking about her Levi, because her Levi was strong. He was the strongest person she’d ever known.

The questions were so crowded and so impatient that she couldn’t manage them. She couldn’t even let them out of the gate of her mind before they were replaced by different ones. 

How could this be? How could he acquire the rank of a Captain when he was forced to join in the first place? When he was glaring the sharpest of daggers at the man that took him away from her?

They must’ve forced him, she concluded without even making sure of the identity of the said Captain. They must’ve threatened him. It must’ve been the reason why he couldn’t come back, because he was just too strong to be set free.

What about Isabel and Furlan? Surely they were in the same boat, but Esther had to make sure before jumping to conclusions. She had to confirm before her heart died of exhaustion, from frantically jumping all around the place.

“Who’s Captain Levi?” She asked, and it was a miracle that her voice managed to save itself from trembling. It was void of emotion, however. It was void of everything, because her heart trapped every single emotion into its confined rooms. They tried to break free, and they so desperately pounded against the doors to no avail. They rattled her ribcages and hurt her lungs, but the bars were made out of the steel of her doubts.

She abandoned the stained and wrinkled cloth by the displaced chair and approached their table, taking advantage of her eagerness to find out more. It was unknowingly pushing her shyness aside. It was deciding in her state, because she couldn’t think.

The members of the table looked at each other, searching for something behind confused gazes.

“What do you mean who’s Captain Levi?” One of the girls answered her, eyebrows raised in surprise. “He’s the strongest soldier we have. Everyone knows about him.”

“Yeah, they say he has the equivalent combat force of an entire brigade.” The seated boy jumped in, eager to tell the story himself. “I have a relative in the stationary troops. He said that the Captain eliminated at least ten titans during last month’s expedition.” 

“How does he know that if he’s a stationary troop?” Someone else asked. 

Esther didn’t know their names. Esther didn’t care who they were, but even then, her wide eyes traveled back and forth between their faces with the hopes of receiving more information. Her hands were trembling, her ears were ringing and she was taking it all out on the sleeves of her jacket, searching for something to grab onto in the absence of her cleaning cloth.

“Because he has friends in the Survey Corps, how else?” The boy rolled his eyes as if the answer was obvious enough. “Anyway, he’s a very important member of the Garrison. You wouldn’t-“

“Have you seen him?” Esther interrupted, not interested in the boy’s Garrison relative in the slightest. Her words were rushed and her question was desperate. Her bars were melting, holes were beginning to form in her heart, feelings were leaking out.

The cadets around her looked at her weird, frowning at her trembling bottom lip and unstable hands, clueless of the reason why a girl who didn’t know who Captain Levi was looked so emotional over the mention of him.

“Well, no, but my uncle has.” He answered, a smug smile on his lips as he raised his right leg over the other, resting his ankle on his left knee. He seemed to have already forgotten about the soldiers they’d lost, and his need to impress the people around him with his dubious knowledge was overpowering. 

Esther couldn’t find it in herself to care about the source of the information. She pulled a chair and sat in front of the boy. She felt the child from four years ago climb to the surface, her desperate hands glued together as she begged this boy before her to feed her hopes and prayers after such a long, long time.

༻✿༺

When Esther walked back into the storage room, Annie was still there. She was sitting on a nearby stool with her arms folded on the counter. Her palm was supporting her head that seemed to get heavier by the second, half-lidded eyes trained on Esther’s well-kept gear. The ones resting on the shelves behind Annie, on the other hand, required a desperate cleaning.

Her index finger was absentmindedly tracing the edges of Esther’s scabbard that contained marks of mud, possibly from rolling upon landing. Her mind was trying to come up with a reason why she was still there, refusing to move from her spot with the stained metal against her skin. An excuse as to why she was even bothering with Esther, who approached the counter with fidgeting hands. Her bottom lip was trapped between her teeth, the force preventing it from trembling. 

Annie came up with zero answers.

Esther’s fast paced steps when she left the room were nowhere to be found now, and she paused by the counter with slouched shoulders and widened eyes staring at the floor. The news she received minutes ago acted as a burden on each step she took, and disbelief had a hard time leaving her gaze alone. Her bottom lip escaped its torturous prison. Her lips were left parted and she lacked the strength to close them.

Her cheeks felt hot, and blinking caused invisible needles to prick her eyelids. Her nose felt runny, and she had to sniff before raising her head to look at Annie. She had to take a deep breath, and she had to suppress the shortest of stories the boy at the mess hall told her underneath the force; because they were too much for her to handle. 

Annie didn’t ask a single thing. She sat there, arms casually resting on the countertop, and she waited as silently as the constant distress in Esther’s heart, which was now leaving its persistent place deserted. The quiet scene must’ve contradicted Annie’s expectations, which would explain the faint frown on her face that suggested confusion. 

The air Esther inhaled left her lungs shakily as she readied herself to talk. Her eyes were glossy, yet no tears rolled down her cheeks. Her eyebrows were raised, putting an overall vulnerability on her face. She formed an eye contact with Annie’s silent wonder, and her lips suddenly twitched into the faintest of smiles.

“They say that he’s humanity’s strongest,” She started, her voice cracking with emotion. “One of them claims that his uncle had seen him, that he was shorter than he’d expected.”

Esther looked relieved, and she felt hopeful. It seemed like the invisible weights on her shoulders were suddenly lifted, abandoned by the door, and the weightless tears that struggled not to fall were the result of it.

Annie was stubbornly quiet before Esther, who raised her hands to cover her face when a grimace attempted to break her composure that was barely being held together by a thin string of hope. 

When her hands wiped her cheeks before falling limply by her sides, the sudden dampness on her skin was revealed for Annie to see. The blonde’s eyes widened moderately, the tears on Esther’s face catching her by surprise. The sight was unfamiliar, and quite frankly uncomfortable to witness.

“It has to be him, right Annie?” She sniffed, her hopeful eyes staring at Annie for the last piece of confirmation. A small fragment that would piece together her optimism that was full of irregular cracks. 

“Who knows?” Annie shrugged, taking a step back from the stool and averting her eyes. She seemed tense by the fact that Esther was on the verge of having a crying episode. “Besides, it shouldn’t matter. You said you’re willing to join even if you can’t be certain.” 

Esther wiped away another fugitive tear, shaky breaths leaving her lungs without enough air. Her vision blurred out Annie’s face, and her environment became distorted. 

“I know,” She breathed out. “I know, but hearing his name made me so happy. It’s been so long since I heard someone else say it, and I was starting to lose my mind. It felt like it was all a dream and he never existed and they were all just gone, and I didn’t- I didn’t-“ She interrupted her mindless stuttering with a broken sigh, her loose tongue pouring her heart out to Annie; who at some point turned her back to the whimpering girl. 

The mixture of emotions she was feeling reached to a point where it gave her a headache, and Esther decided that it’d be best to shut her mouth and not bother Annie with any of this. Especially after she did a great favour for her by telling her about the cadets at the mess hall, who possessed the biggest news she could’ve ever received. 

This was her relief. Her happiness and her joy. Her sigh of a long-sought finally, and her tears of remedy. Annie didn’t need to be a witness to any part of this.

“I’m sorry, I’m blabbering. Thank you for letting me know, Annie. It means everything to me.” Esther was honest about her gratitude. Annie couldn’t even begin to imagine how much this meant to her. No one would ever be able to come close to feeling the contentment and excitement that rushed through her body the more the cadets told her about Captain Levi. No one could understand how it felt like for the darkest of thoughts and maddening doubts abandon her mind and soul in an instant, and for the peaceful hope to fill the gap they left behind. But she could, and she was grateful for the fate that kept leading her in the right direction.

“I didn’t do anything.” Annie deflected her gratitude, and the smile that could barely be noticed on Esther’s face indicated that she was expecting a similar reply.

“I’m sure you believe that, but still. Thank you.” She repeated, and Annie was persistently reluctant to accept it.

Esther returned to her position behind the counter once again, wiping her cheeks one more time with a sniff. Her faintly trembling hands were holding up her cloth; now recovered from its temporary resting place by the chair. She didn’t know what to do with herself, where to go and which possibility to entertain; so she cleaned. She dedicated her time and dried tears to getting rid of the remaining mud stains, and she did it oh-so-absentmindedly. 

Annie remained by her side for an inexcusable moment longer, head hanging low and eyes out of focus. Memories took her away, flew her out of this place and left an unresponsive body behind. Esther didn’t take notice of it, because she was the same. Her mind was empty, her thoughts were soaring above the clouds; freeing themselves from the confinement of her troubles and fears. 

They weren’t dead, no matter how questionable the source was. The fact that Levi was alive and well meant Furlan and Isabel were by his side, because Levi would never let them get hurt. He would unleash wrath and agony to anyone who dared to lay a finger on them before anyone could even blink, Esther knew. She knew, because he once protected her from getting lost in harm’s way too. She knew, because the years she spent by his side were the safest she’d ever felt.

Before he abandoned you, her voice was bitter. It was unwilling to cooperate, and it caused her movements to come to the shortest of halts.

A creak came from the entrance of the storage room as the high doors were pushed wider open, startling the two girls inside. 

Esther’s thoughts came back to her, and the seed of pessimism scattered away; burying its head back into the earth. She looked up to see Eren carrying a number of empty canisters inside, his hands turning red from moving the crate around for a while. His hair was sticking to his forehead and nape, he’d been silently walking in and out of the room since Esther started her cleaning. He was unlucky enough to get tasked by an instructor to collect unused canisters and dump them in the storage room.

Esther averted her eyes as soon as they touched his face, as soon as he looked in her direction. They’d been quiet since the night by the bench. The evasion of gazing at each other wasn’t as guilty and heartbroken, but it was still there. The staggering movements of Esther wasn’t as nervous, but it was there; in the uneven path of her cloth and in her tightening grip.

Eren walked past her counter with the clanking of empty canisters, his eyes stealing an involuntary glance from her face. 

He made his way to the corner where his previous crates were disorderly arranged, and placed the weight in his arms down with an exhausted grunt. 

Esther stopped rubbing the same spot over and over again. The stain was gone, and her cloth had been subjected to her unintentional abuse for a while now. She dropped her hands. Annie crossed her arms in her peripheral vision, her eyes audaciously moving between Esther and Eren. 

Esther glanced up without even meaning to, and her eyes found their way to Eren on their own. Unfortunately, he was already looking at her, searching and inspecting her reddened eyes, and it was too late for her to escape from the invisible clutch of his.

“Hi,” She offered timidly, out of options as her hands played with the corner of her rag.

Eren looked away with a short clearing of his throat. 

“Hi.” He replied, wiping his hands on his trousers and marking the fabric with wood stain. “I’m done with my task.”

“That’s great.” Esther gave him a nod, and didn’t know what else to offer. It bothered her, because she wanted to talk to him. The wall between them wasn’t melting fast enough, and all she wanted was to ram into it; to break it into pieces and to go back to the comfort she found in his company.

Eren walked past her for the second time before she could even attempt a charging run. 

She looked down with a quiet sigh, finally letting go of her cleaning cloth and grabbing one of her scabbards to put it away. 

Eren silently approached the door, but paused by the gap. He came to a halt with the wind pushing his hair back, freezing the dampness on his skin and cooling him down. 

He turned slightly, and looked back at her over his shoulder. Annie was somewhat blocking his sight with her icy glare and folded arms, but he could still see. He could still see the uncoordinated movements of Esther’s as she struggled to put the metal box on the shelf. He could see the redness around her eyes, the dried tears on her cheeks. They were so clear for him to see, because he looked at her face each time he walked in this door, and she was never stained by emotions until now. 

“Were you crying?” Eren asked before he could help himself. He didn’t mean to. He didn’t want to mention it, at least not when Annie was there, but it somehow found a way out of his thoughts.

It seemed like an occurrence. He seemed to just say the words without even thinking beforehand when it concerned Esther, more than usual. He didn’t even know how to stop. He felt like it was already too late to stop.

Esther paused the moment she pushed the scabbard onto the shelf. Her hands rested on the wooden edge, and her eyes widened ever so slightly. She panicked a little. She felt cold, and she felt hot. She didn’t know how to turn around, how to tell him no. How to lie to him through her teeth just to keep another lie hidden. 

Her eyelids were lowered in guilt, and she let out a shaky breath. She was such a hypocrite. She’d been heartbroken all this time. She’d been spilling tears and demanding answers from him, all the while lying to him herself. 

Guilt clawed at her, made her gulp and feel the painful sensation in her throat. She turned around slowly, and found herself as the direct victim of Eren’s questioning gaze. 

“I-” Esther attempted, but the claw was still stuck in her windpipe. It tore her vocal cords apart, let nothing but air escape through the gaps.

Annie’s sigh found its place in between them, breaking their eye gazing and drawing both of their attention.

“Aren’t you supposed to keep your nose out of ladies’ business?” She asked rhetorically, causing a frown to form on Eren’s face. Faint redness appeared beneath the skin of his cheeks, and he turned around with a scoff.

“Whatever. I was just trying to be help-” He slammed his face into the edge of the door rather painfully on his way out. “Helpful.” He stumbled out of the room, embarrassed. 

Annie watched him leave with a hand rubbing his forehead, and turned to Esther when he was out of sight. Her pondering eyes were following him. They stayed locked on the ajar door even when he was gone, as mute and motionless as stone, and the world might as well have stopped turning and time frozen. 

“We haven’t been talking until recently.” Esther eventually explained, her lips breaking the curse of her stillness. “He said some hurtful things, but then apologised and said he didn’t mean any of it.”

A breath of air left her body in a weak current, and she grabbed her second scabbard.

“He can be such an idiot sometimes.” She carried it to her assigned shelf, only pausing midway to give Annie a warning glare. “Don’t tell him I said that.”

“Okay.” Annie shrugged, whatever little interest she had abandoning the one sided conversation.

“I forgave him.” Esther continued, seemingly talking to herself.

“I didn’t really ask,” Annie mumbled, but it went ignored.

Esther placed the scabbard on the shelf, the weight of it lost to her arms. Everything seemed to come at her at once, both the relief and the contemplation. Being lost in thought and relieving in joy. Thinking of the way she made Eren dream of a lavender that witnessed their first meeting, and allowing it to make her recently shed tears feel like a distant memory. The sweet scent of the petals from a year ago chased the blur away, and gathered around her fluttering heart. 

“Friendships are difficult.” She sighed, leaning against the shelves. The sharp edges were digging into her spine, and her head was resting against the metal of her gear. 

It felt unnecessary to still hang around in the empty shelves of the bookstore, but there she was, still lost in the rarity of apologies she’d ever received. Her purple hyacinth was the first to carry its disappointing emptiness to her, and Eren was the first to ever say the words to her. 

She wished someone would tell her when she was straying into a wrong path, and drag her into the right one. She wished someone would verify her besetting need to be in the vicinity of Eren, and tell her that it was alright. Tell her that she wouldn’t have to deal with the sharp edges of his lies ever again.

“Would you have, you know, forgiven him? If he said bad things about you?” Esther asked, hesitant of the answer she’d get. She had a feeling that Annie’s reaction would be distinctly different than hers, and not in a way that Esther would prefer.

“Depends.” Annie’s body language was loud and clear as she slightly turned towards the door, her feet itching to leave. 

“On what?”

“On who says what. If I really wanted to forgive someone, then I suppose I would. If whatever they said made me look as irritatingly depressed as you, then I would’ve punched them first.” 

Esther frowned with a quirk of her lips. She’d been angry, rightfully so, but her hands never formed into fists to seek violence. Eren wasn’t her enemy, nor was he anything like the men she dealt with in the past. He was just a boy, important enough to break her heart.

“I don’t know about punching him, but I did want to forgive him.” Esther said timidly, fearful of the insecurity she’d feel if Annie were to judge her for her tolerance.

“That’s fine. I understand that you lack the heart to do it,” Annie shrugged.

“Wh- You think I can’t punch him?” Esther asked, pushing herself away from the shelves. A defensive tone was hiding beneath her voice. 

“Can you?” Annie raised a challenging eyebrow.

“Yes.” Her answer came immediately without hesitation.

That’s a lie, she told herself, and immediately shut the door to the source of her honesty. She could, technically, punch him. She was capable enough, but that didn’t mean that she wanted to do it.

“Do it, then. He’s probably still stumbling around out there. I’ll even help you, if you want.” Annie suggested, but didn’t feel surprised by Esther’s lack of movement.

She stayed there, fingers twitching to form into fists, yet her muscles were weak. Her frown wasn’t persistent, and the curve of the inner corners of her eyebrows were victorious.

“Annie,” Esther relaxed her hand and laced her fingers together. There was shyness to her little gesture. “You would punch him for me?” 

There was a visible widening to Annie’s eyes, a surprised lift of her eyelids. The suggestion of violence visibly flew over Esther’s head, and she gathered the drops of amity in the drought of her hands. 

It wasn’t anyone’s fault, really. It was just the protective shield Levi had built around her with the hammer of violence and the nails of the only language he’d ever known. It wasn’t anyone’s fault that Esther viewed Annie’s thoughtless suggestion as a show of protection. 

“It’s not for you. I was just offering my help, that’s all.” Annie deflected her unguarded gaze and fully turned around to leave. “Do whatever you want.” 

Esther, now alone in the spacious room, was left to stare at the door once again. She traced the woodwork and the veins of the surface. She memorised the blocked roads and blind alleys of the wood grains. 

By the time she gathered her scattered thoughts and mess of emotions, Annie was long gone from the vicinity. And by the time she walked outside, Eren was, indeed, lingering not too far away; still rubbing the same spot that had been hit. 

Esther watched him for a short moment in time, not thinking about anything. She followed his irregular steps with her eyes, and she walked away before he could feel her intruding gaze on him; before he could catch the way her fingers relaxed just at the mere sight of him.

Chapter Text

Year 849

Sun traced the sky and chased the moon as days passed by, and Esther spent her months counting. She sat on the bench that might as well have belonged to her now, and she watched the time fly by. Her thoughts couldn’t catch a break from Captain Levi, the man she hadn’t seen yet but the man she wanted to claim as a face that belonged in her memories. 

The bench with various scratches and two names carved onto it with a clumsy heart kept her company on many twinkling nights. It was a silent witness to her lonely minutes devoted to moon-gazing, and it was there each time Eren looked at its wooden seats to see if he could catch a glimpse of Esther. 

If his eyes were lucky enough to get trapped in the web of her flowing hair, he’d be able to approach the empty seat and join her without asking. 

Esther stopped looking at her uninvited companion at one point, and she never protested. Each time she sat on the edge of the bench, she was sending out a silent invitation.

Lack of words seemed to work a charm. It seemed to be the remedy they needed, because any time Esther talked, she’d feel like she never knew how to stop. And Eren was nervous to open his mouth, because he always seemed to say the opposite of what was actually on his mind; what he really meant to say.

So they kept quiet, and they let their shoulders touch as the scarlet sky lost its blush into the night. And like the sun was chasing the moon, Eren’s wandering eyes chased the wave of Esther’s raven hair through winter to spring, through scorching summer days to rainy autumn mornings with auburn leaves. 

He tried to make it all better, he did. He trailed after her whenever she was outside with a familiar pouch in her hand, and he pointed at every single flower on their path; asking her what they meant.

“That’s not a flower, Eren.” She said once, an amused smile touching her lips.

Eren looked at the greenery beneath his feet; where his finger was pointing at. A dubious frown made him lower his hand as Esther walked straight past the plant without an ounce of interest.

“They’re burdocks. Those spiky balls are so annoying, they get stuck on my clothes all the time.” She complained, and Eren followed with hands forced into his pockets.

“Yeah, right?“ He scoffed, suddenly feeling the subtle rise of embarrassment. “So annoying.” Stupid burdocks.

“Oh, actually!” Esther exclaimed, her index finger pointing up as a memory resurfaced. “Last year, I saw them grow bigger and bigger until they opened up. They kind of looked purple, maybe they were flowering. I’m not sure, though. Maybe I can ask the florist lady the next time I visit her shop. That reminds me! I also need to ask her why my jasmines look sad sometimes. I’ve never looked after a flower before, so…”

She rambled on and on, jumping from one subject to the other and neglecting to take a breath in between sentences. Eren kept his eyes on the back of her head, on her swaying braids and their neat patterns. He watched her butterfly clips catch the golden rays of the sunlight as her voice put a leash on him. 

By the time she was done babbling, Eren had no idea what she was just talking about.

༻✿༺

Cadets loved talking. The majority of them were young teenagers, they craved the gossip that would spread around like wildfire. No matter how harsh their environment was, they still found pleasure in little things.

Everyone was mostly busy with their failing grades and overwhelming additional trainings, but there were still talks of new developments in the three regiments, displeasing news of expedition casualties and sometimes; when a reoccurrence was too tempting to resist commenting on, there would be occasional whispers about certain people that never stayed a secret for long. 

One thing was notably obvious to many eyes during the summer of 849, and it was the fact that Eren never seemed to stray too far away from Esther’s company. 

His hurtful words were unintentional, and they were left to gather dust on the shelves of the very same bookstore that Esther subconsciously kept avoiding whenever she was in town. She punched and kicked the fragile wall that found its place between her and Eren, and the cracks gradually spread all over before the whole thing went shattering down, and she kept the dry daisies in between the pages of her trusty book as a memory of his apology. It was clear to see that she wasn’t any different than him, if not worse.

Training-filled days were becoming more challenging and brutal as weeks turned into months. Eren looked up to the most successful members of his class and tried his best. He was so eager to learn, and his ambitions were as big as his will to best the others. His new underlying motivation, however, was an unexpected influence that he had mixed feelings about.

Whatever Eren achieved, he made sure to call out Esther’s name to declare her his primary witness. If he performed a cool trick with the canisters attached to his hips, he would pause on a sturdy branch and turn to see if Esther was watching. If he gave a particularly deep cut to the cushions on the dummies, he had to make sure that Esther found it impressive. 

It was pathetic, really, and he got quite frustrated with himself after the whole ordeal was done and all he received was a compliment embellished with a genuine smile from her, because what was that all about? His goal was to become the best soldier he could be just so he could eradicate the titans from the face of this world. But instead, he was becoming more and more like Jean, who performed many pitiful attempts to leave a good impression on Mikasa— and Mikasa rarely paid attention to his efforts. 

Why did Eren care if Esther was impressed or not? He had no viable excuse. Therefore, he denied. He denied so much that at one point, he came up short with excuses. So he let himself believe that he was merely seeking the approval of a successful classmate. He decided that his need for approval was the result of Esther’s success in the usage of the manoeuvre gear. 

She was fast, agile and capable. She knew how to maintain her gear well and her rolls and turns were skilful for a cadet, as well as her cuts, and her comparably smaller form had a positive impact on her speed. Eren simply wanted the admiration of a successful classmate, like he sought the respect of Reiner. Nothing else. It was completely the same.

It just didn’t explain why wherever Eren went, Esther followed happily. 

As soon as thaw came to pass, Eren started to join her solo training sessions. He didn’t ask, really. He never did. It had always been natural for his legs to carry him wherever she was, and Esther never seemed to mind his presence. She welcomed Eren into her forest where the leaves danced under the clouds, and she found herself trying to fit into his personal tempo without realising. 

His self consolations didn’t explain why Esther started to smile more with him, why the ice around her started to crack as mellow giggles left her mouth; and why they quickly grew on him. She was happier lately, and the invisible wall she built around herself was lifted after all those dreadful years.

“You’re way too happy.” Annie once pointed out without rising from her bed. The sun wasn’t at its full potential yet, the grandfather clock by the wall displaying an ungodly hour for an early training. 

Esther had been up and ready, dressed in her uniform and eagerly waiting by Annie’s bed so she could get to see Eren; so she could fly into the sky and watch the sunrise with him.

“Stop it. It’s too early.” Annie groaned, covering her squinting eyes with her arm.

But Esther had difficulty stopping. 

Happiness was dangerous, a taste of it filled her with hope; and a glimmer of hope dragged her into an endless loop of relief and joy. A loop that could only be broken by disappointment, but her current state of mind wouldn’t allow her to be cautious. For someone who had an admirable memory, she sure forgot what she was training for in the first place. She forgot that the dummies she cut with Eren would soon turn into real titans, a threat she’d never even seen before. 

But she never quite managed to put precaution before hope. It had always been Levi’s job, and he wasn’t there. So she laughed and giggled all she wanted, and she soared into the sky as Eren led the way towards the dawn light as it broke the sky.

Sasha would show up from time to time by the greenery, and she’d kindly share her stolen snacks with the two of them underneath the redwood trees. She considered it a big achievement, being able to share her food; stolen or not.

Eren never delayed his warnings about Sasha’s harmless thefts, but Esther was always quiet about it. She’d fail to back him up, and Eren would stare at her for a moment longer as she gladly accepted Sasha’s offers.

Mikasa began to join after a while, and even though none of them could keep up with her, it was still a sight to watch her glide skilfully. With the help of her body belt, she resembled a graceful dancer in the air rather than a cadet performing calculated techniques.

Soon after, Armin started to make appearances with thick books in his arms rather than the metal gear at his back. Most of the time, he preferred to sit with his back against a tree and study while his friends trained above him. It was what he was best at, where his interests lied the most. The times he was clad in his gear were the times he asked for help rather than lending a hand to someone himself. 

Esther’s lonely and quiet moments of practice gained life and joy in no time, and flying with people she could gradually start to call friends turned out to be exactly what she’d always imagined. She didn’t have Levi leading the way with Furlan and Isabel flanking him like she’d have in her memories, but she was content nonetheless. That dangerous glimmer of hope made her believe she’d get to have that too, soon enough. It still made her believe, now more than ever. The potential news she acquired about Levi dangerously pushed her towards the edge.

The training hours that she declared compulsory for herself were now blissful points in time that she looked forward to, fun times she spent with people her age that shared simple goals with underlying big dreams. 

They flied together, and she experienced the feel of the breeze in her hair with them all over again. The whizz of another passing by with glances and grins led to silent competitions where they raced each other to the imaginary finish line.

Sasha invited Connie at one point, and suddenly Jean and Marco were there too. The forest started to accommodate more and more as the group grew in size, and they started to learn from each other; even performing duo moves right in front of Esther’s disbelieving eyes. 

The lessons she taught herself about being cursed to live alone and stay alone contradicted with her new reality, and she never knew what to do whenever Eren called her to him, because it always led to more people joining them and she knew that she wouldn’t have any of it if it wasn’t for him. She knew, because she hopelessly tried to invite Annie the other day, who rejected the offer without a simple glance. 

“Thank you.” Esther said one evening as the sun was setting and her… her friends were leading the way to the storage room. 

The training left all of them panting with their hair sticking to their napes with sweat. The leaves ruffled and the thinner branches swayed gracefully above them. 

Esther stood with her almost empty canisters at her hips, and Eren paused to send her a confused look. The sky was pink behind him, and his dishevelled hair moved with the breeze, his teal coloured eyes reflecting the trees behind her as if they were hiding the life source of the forest in them.

“What for?” He asked as Sasha followed Connie away, voicing her expectations for dinner. Mikasa was helping Armin with the wire of his operating device, which got stuck during their training, but fortunately didn’t lead to anything serious.

Esther shrugged, glancing at the triggers resting in her hands. Her blades weren’t attached, and the metal was shining clean as usual.

“For all this. I like flying with you.” She admitted, but a sudden warmth made its way to her cheeks, and she rushed to correct herself. “All of you, I mean.”

Eren averted his own eyes, glancing at his friends from a short distance away. Not being able to focus on one spot, it became his turn to check his own devices as if they were the most interesting thing at present.

“Yeah, of course. I like flying with you too. All of you.” He replied, and a bashful smile made Esther bite her lip with a slight bow to her head. 

The wind gained speed for a moment and caressed her nape, pushing her braids forward and cooling the warmth on her skin. 

Eren did his best to look anywhere but her. 

“Let’s go.” He ushered her to the path that led to the storage room, and as usual, Esther followed. 

༻✿༺

As the days passed and the breezy weather became more and more tolerable, Esther started to think that Eren forgot about his word to ask Armin to show her his book. She started to believe that he only mentioned the sea that no one had ever seen and the mountains of ice that not a single soul had climbed before without putting much meaning to them; that it was just an in the moment thing. 

She was proved wrong on a warm Sunday afternoon. No lectures, no training sessions until nightfall, nothing but a blessed few hours listening to the ruffling leaves beneath the cool shadow of a tree.

Eren brought Armin with him as she was sitting with her back against the trunk, eyes closed with the breeze in her hair as the birds singing above her lulled her to sleep.

“Esther! There you are, we’ve been searching for you!” Eren shouted from a short distance away, shooing Esther’s drowsiness away. 

She lifted her heavy eyelids, and saw the boys approaching her with the sun shining bright behind their shadowy figures. Eren was waving a hand, and Armin’s arms were tightly wrapped around a book. 

“What is it?” A curious frown appeared on her face. 

“Armin agreed to show you his book. Do you remember?” Eren sat down before her, legs crossed and palms pressed against the grass behind him as he tried to catch his breath. Air slid through his parted teeth, a smile brightening his wide eyes and bringing out his buoyant features. 

Armin folded his legs and sat on his heels beside Esther; placing the book on the grass right in the middle. 

“Of course I remember.” Esther pushed her sliding body up, suddenly interested in the closed book that gave nothing away on its plain cover.

“I would appreciate it if you could keep this a secret. Possession of these types of books aren’t exactly legal.” Armin requested cautiously before he’d dive into the contents of the said book.

“How do you have it, then?” Esther wondered, squinting to look at Armin through the sun rays dancing right behind him; rendering his wisps golden.

“It was my grandfather’s,” He replied, and a solemn look passed behind his eyes for a brief moment. Before the remorse could escalate, however, he successfully got rid of it all with a blink and smiled to hide the remaining crumbs of whatever agonising memories he had. Esther couldn’t find it in herself to ask for the sake of digging deeper. “He kept it a secret. I was able to save it when Maria fell.”

And there it was. The silence that always followed whenever someone mentioned Maria’s fall. The grim reminder of the lives that were lost, the loved ones that got crushed and ripped apart brutally. The memories that reawakened right before the boys’ visions and Esther could do nothing but watch the light dim from their eyes as they relived the pain. 

Eren would scream, always. Mikasa would avert her eyes, helpless. Blood would fly in specks like the weightless rose petals falling from the sky. And Esther would sigh in discomfort. 

She rubbed the spot between her eyebrows, the bridge of her nose getting pinched as she closed her eyes.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” She sighed, her mind getting clear the moment Eren shifted his lowered gaze. 

“Why don’t you show her the sea, Armin?” He suggested, a considerate attempt to dissipate the gloomy atmosphere. 

Armin obeyed happily, and turned the pages, already knowing which one to stop at. 

“It doesn’t tell much, but it’s more than what we know!” He informed, pausing at a page that had an illustration covering half of the parchment. 

Esther could pick out wavy lines drawn out of ink beneath the round shape of the sun. What was supposed to be the sea resembled the waters of the river connecting the walls. She would occasionally see the shallow waters carrying a ferry whenever she was away from the base.

“This is like a river, right?” She asked.

“No, not exactly. It’s supposed to cover way bigger grounds than a river can. It’s a large body of saltwater and apparently it covers the majority of the earth’s surface.” Armin explained, and Esther had difficulty processing the new information. 

She learned about the sea from Eren, but she never imagined that the waters could contain that much salt. 

“But… But if that’s true why can’t the merchants import all of that salt? Can’t the Scouts retrieve it for them?” Esther asked, confused and almost as curious as the child of her past.

“That’s what I’ve been saying! If the sea is that big, the salt can last us for more than a lifetime!” Eren exclaimed. 

With his body leaning forward each time they asked a question or made a comment, Armin looked eager to explain further like he couldn’t contain himself; like the information he’d gathered from the book tirelessly begged to be released.

“I don’t think the Scouts found the sea yet. If they did, everyone would know about it already.” Armin answered, his wide eyes were full of wonder as he stared at the illustration in his book. The faint smile that touched his lips was content, yet there were hints of eagerness lingering in his features.

“How do you know for certain that this book is reliable? How does it know about the sea?” Esther asked, dubious even though she wanted to believe that Armin was right. 

She would like the sea to be real. She would like to be surrounded by that huge body of water that she could swim in forever, that she could drink endlessly without it draining at one point. 

She wondered what it’d look like, if it would be warm enough. She wondered if there would be any people living in the middle of it with buildings resistant to water. She wondered why the Scouts had never found it if it was actually there, waiting to be rediscovered.

“I can’t tell for certain, but I can’t not believe it either. We all have something pushing us forward, don’t we? I don’t know what yours is yet, Esther, but I want to see the sea one day.” Armin’s palms rested open on each side of the book, the grass digging into his skin. His head was bowed, lowered as if he wished for the drawing to pull him in into a world where the things he read were the reality. 

Esther pulled her legs against her chest, her arms wrapping around them as his words pierced the remnants of her walls. 

He was right, everyone had a fuelling goal that landed them straight in the Cadet Corps, even if some people kept it to themselves. Eren was out on a journey to freedom; the road was built by the stones of his revenge, and Esther believed him when he said he wouldn’t rest until the titans were wiped out. Esther knew he was genuinely curious when he talked about the outside world, and the mystery of those uncharted grounds were apparently what pushed Armin to try and keep up with his physically capable classmates each day. 

Esther understood him. She really did, and she sympathised; because she’d been there before. She’d been on that never-ending road where she’d try her best to keep up with each member of her family, only for the finish line to be pushed further away. Trying so hard just to never be enough in the end.

Esther never thought about what was beyond the walls. Her lifeline had always been the idea of climbing up to the surface. That was her outside world, and now that she was resting beneath a tree with blood and dirt beneath her nails from climbing her way up, Eren and Armin were telling her that there was even more to explore. 

Seeing Levi’s eyes just one more time, and having them watch over her was the mere reason why she was training to be a soldier in the first place. To drag Furlan from a florist to a garden, and to have Isabel make flower crowns for her underneath a tree, to be unchained and uncaged together. But here Eren was, wholeheartedly telling her that they’d be free once they killed all the titans. He was telling her that staying behind the walls wasn’t freedom, that her dreams of being free were nothing but fraudulent lies constructed by her lack of knowledge. 

Armin turned the page, and told her about the fiery waters. He read a passage on lands of ice. They were covered in snow, and apparently it was colder than the night of the training they had during a snowstorm. Esther had difficulty imagining it, especially since that specific training exercise had been quite difficult for her, yet she forced her mind to build a world where it was reality nonetheless. 

She felt like she was five again, sitting at the kitchen table with Furlan before her; telling her stories of the surface from what little he knew. His eyes had always been warm and soothing, especially when they were touched by the glow of an oil lamp. That was how she remembered him.

Armin turned the page again, revealing extracts of a foreign text. He attempted to turn it again, not having the knowledge to read any of it. 

“Wait,” Esther stopped him by placing a hasty hand on his wrist. The writings on the page were familiar, and even though she couldn’t register the strange alphabet, she was at least able to remember the shapes of each letter. “What is this?”

“I don’t know. It has to be a very old language, even my grandfather wasn’t able to read it.” Armin shrugged, glancing at the hand stopping him. 

“I have a book with the same letters. We couldn’t figure out what they say either.” Esther revealed, pulling her hand away with a sheepish look on her face. 

She recognised the shapes that formed the old text from the one in her book that her father had left for her. She still had it and its torn contents with beautifully drawn illustrations, and she still died with the curiosity of the story that she’d never be able to read.

“Really? Do you know what it’s about?” Armin asked, tilting his head with interest.

“Oh, it’s just a story book about a princess. I had it since I was little, but the whole book is written in this language except for a few words, so I was never able to read it.” 

“It must be very old if that’s the case.”

“It- It got torn apart a little but I don’t think it was that old. It barely had any damage in the first place. I can show it to you, if you want.” Esther shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. 

She doubted they’d be interested in a book about a fictional princess, but it felt nice to offer them something in return for their friendship and for involving her in the secret of Armin’s book.

“That’s nice of you, Esther.” Armin gave her a polite smile, and Esther returned it with a timid one. 

In her attempts to avert her meek gaze, she inadvertently locked eyes with Eren who’d been quiet for a while now.

His serene eyes were on her face, eyebrows relaxed, and half of his face being brightened by the soft touches of the sunshine. His eyes looked greener than ever under the golden rays; like a pair of rare emeralds, taking Esther’s hidden colour and reflecting it ten times stronger.

Eren noticed the change in her eyes for the first time. Had her hair always been wavy when they were loose, free from her braids? Had the freckles on her face always been that prominent? They must’ve been excited to see the bright sun, and they must’ve noticed the attention Eren was giving them, because redness was appearing beneath their irregular patterns.

Esther’s cheeks flushed with a rosy colour the moment their eyes locked in what felt like an unbreakable stare that only lasted for a short second. Caught red handed, Eren quickly averted his eyes and turned his head sideways to hide his flustered frown. The target of his much more aggressive stare was now the poor grass that stretched across the large field. 

Esther tapped her fingers on her knees, her own bashful gaze now resting on her lap. 

Armin cleared his throat, examining the suddenly awkward behaviour of the two individuals sitting on each side of him, both of them displaying a tint of crimson that spread across their faces for no apparent reason.

“So, about the dry lands…” He continued, looking down at the open page of his book. The smile that touched on his lips was faint, knowing, and hard to contain.

“Yes, please continue.” Esther eagerly encouraged him to talk, and to get rid of the tension that was building up against their will. 

Armin granted her wish and told her more about what he’d learned from his book, and Esther listened. Esther asked questions and Esther wondered. Eren, on the other hand, was uncharacteristically silent. No questions, no overly confident comments, no nothing. 

He never looked at Esther again that day, and he told himself that he’d never stare at her like a mindless idiot ever again. 

But the sun would rise again, and she’d run to him with a book clutched in her arms as her braids rippled in the air, his name on her lips, and he’d forget all about his worthless condition.

“Eren!” She approached as he was on his way to the dormitory for a well needed nap before their sparring session. “Do you know where Armin is? I wanted to show you two my book, remember? Do you think Mikasa will want to join as well? And maybe Sasha? Oh, and-“

“Armin has maintenance duty with Marco.” Eren interrupted, breaking their eye contact with a blink. 

Without elaborating, he looked down and kicked a pebble that had been resting by his boot. The nose was covered in dirt and mud, whereas Esther’s pair looked spotless only a short distance away from his.

“Oh.” She hugged her book tighter, the excitement that turned her into a babbling mess deserted the dry conversation. The edges of the torn pages of her book peeked out from the corners, and Eren didn’t seem interested in the slightest bit as he played with the tiny rock on the ground, kicking it back and forth. “I see. I’ll come back some other time.” 

She took a hesitant step back and turned to leave. She shouldn’t have thought that Armin or Eren would be willing to check out her book about a princess without a single readable passage. She shouldn’t have gotten excited in the first place either. 

“You could show it to me.” Eren’s dispassionate suggestion made her pause. 

Half of her body turned towards him; she took a moment to stare in his eyes that he was so keen on hiding from her. She wondered why he was so enthralled by that pebble that he couldn’t even let go of it for a second. She wondered why he always looked away from her, always deemed the dirt on the ground more interesting than her.

“You don’t seem interested.” Esther pointed out, believing that he was only trying to be polite, that he wasn’t actually expecting her to take on the offer. 

Eren’s feet paused with the rock touching the inside of his boot. He lifted his eyes eventually, glancing at her book and noticing the torn edges sticking out from between the pages for the first time. 

“I wouldn’t be suggesting if I wasn’t interested.” He shrugged, and Esther landed an evaluating gaze on him. 

Two boys exited the barracks built a short distance away from their spot, and Eren averted his eyes to watch them walk away as their uplifting laughter followed behind. 

Look at me, Esther wanted to say. Why won’t you?

“Alright.” She accepted instead, a little hesitant. 

Eren led her to their regular spot before the barracks; a bench surveying the large field that was generally used for sparring. They sat down next to each other, a noticeable distance between them that wasn’t there before. Esther couldn’t help but stare at it, her fingers clutching at her book like iron bars.

Eren tapped his fingers on the white fabric of his pants, the uniform remaining wrapped in his body belt that was a reminder of Shadis’ morning routine in the woods. His tired eyes stared at the horizon, occasionally glancing at Esther’s book, noting the damage it suffered at one point in the past.

“It doesn’t seem to be in good condition.” He pointed out the obvious, and Esther glanced down. 

A question was at the tip of her tongue, a hesitant ‘Have I done something wrong?’ with unidentified guilt for something she wasn’t even aware of. It was misting her mind up.

“No, it’s not.” She didn’t elaborate, and placed the book in the vacant space that Eren so nonchalantly put between them. 

The illustration on the cover was beautifully done, and even he paused to appreciate it. The long hair of the princess that Esther mentioned was coloured in pitch black. The waves almost reached past her waist and the sun was shining light on her carefully drawn form. 

Eren stole a short glance from Esther, his mind crafting the recent memory of her sitting beneath the tree right in front of him, her freckled skin soaking up the sunlight and the warm tone of her eyes almost matching the endless pastures getting ready for autumn in return.

“She looks like you.” He commented, tearing down the image that forced a frown on his face.

An elated smile touched her lips, and stomped on her recently formed uncertainty.

“Wait until you read her name!” She eagerly yet carefully turned the pages, the placement of the words she could recognise were etched into her brain, no different than Armin’s knowledge of his own book about the outside world. 

The pages, both intact and torn, blew a weak burst of air into his face, touching the ends of his parted bangs. He stared at the unrecognisable letters forming even stranger words, and he stared at her name in the midst of it all. Esther, it read, and the princess was drawn in charcoal on the left page. She sat down on the grass with people before and around her, listening to her beliefs, as Levi had once explained. 

“You’re named after her?” Eren asked, the unconscious turn of his body towards her book made Esther straighten her back. The silent clue of his interest made her forget about his nonsensical behaviour in a split second.

“Yes!” She exclaimed, her smile growing big enough to show her teeth as if the feat was something for her to take pride in. 

I picked it myself! She wanted to add, but the words hit an invisible wall.

Eren leaned his side against the back of the bench, his elbow resting on top of it and one knee bent over the seat before him. He turned the page with his free hand, and Esther let him. She found joy in his interest like it was something she could benefit from. She watched every move of his eyes as they skimmed the page and examined the drawings as if she could read his opinions, and she waited for a comment each time his lips moved. 

It was the sudden realisation that made her drop her gaze and stare at his hand instead as he handled the torn pages carefully. It was the lump in her throat, and the untold truth that begged to be released from its confined prison.

This was the first detail she was sharing with him about herself except for the numerous simple mentions of flowers. A real fact that she didn’t decorate with lies. 

The awareness made her clench her fists as they rested on the seat, and it made her bite down on her lip in guilt. 

Eren shared more with her than she ever had with him. He told her about his family, about his past and his dreams. Even if they were brief extractions from his life, he still found her trusting enough to offer her his stories. 

So, why…? What was this unknown fear that had been holding her back? She’d told Annie already, a bunk mate that she shared briefer conversations than the ones she shared with Eren. What was she so afraid of?

“There’s a titan here!” He exclaimed all of a sudden, pointing at the later drawings that featured the princess standing her ground before the single humongous figure of a titan, which Esther used to believe was a fictional monster when she was little.

She blinked, having difficulty focusing on the illustration as silent thoughts refused to let go of her mind. A sigh flared her nostrils, she couldn’t even discuss her own book with him. She couldn’t find the excitement that had been feeding her actions prior to the invasion of unwanted questions. 

“Hey, Eren.” His name left her lips no louder than a weak murmur. 

Her glazed eyes stared at the drawing of the girl and the titan. She called for his attention when she wasn’t even sure of what to say, and she was left unarmed right before his clear eyes.

It seemed to make sense in her mind that Eren had always been free; that he had the freedom that she could only ever dream of. He had memories of running around the meadows with Mikasa and Armin, playing hide and seek before racing them home. He had memories of sleeping beneath the trees, and he never had to dream of the sky. He never had to steal money to see the sun, the moon and the stars.

Esther never had fond memories like that. Her soft recollections revolved around late night conversations in the company of warm tea, butterfly hair clips and reading hours. Birthdays with windows displaying the grim view of the Underground City which bore people dying from sickness and starvation in each corner. Flying in Levi’s arms in the Underground’s skies. No sun, no clouds, no birds and definitely no trees. 

How could she tell Eren that she had no idea what the sea was even supposed to look like? That she had never run around in wide pastures, that she would still be content even if she never got to leave the walls? 

“What is it?” Eren waved a hand before her face, pulling her away from her gloomy thoughts. 

Her lips felt dry, and she had difficulty swallowing. Her nostrils flared without her consent and the determined frown on her face was contradicting with the tremble of her bottom lip. 

I can’t… I can’t tell him, can I? She blinked. I can’t. He won’t like me anymore. She struggled to decide. I just can’t. I can’t- I can’t lie to him anymore.

She took a deep breath. It was heavy, burdensome. It was stuck in her lungs, clogging her throat, and she knew of only one way to get rid of it.

“I’m not from Ehrmich!” She let go, her chest emptying the built up discomfort and freeing the air that’d been trapped inside. The reveal left her lips louder than she expected them to, more forceful than she meant them to be. 

Her lips were closed in a thin line only mere seconds after the truth came out, as if she was afraid of letting more out. Shaky breaths left her nostrils as silence of anticipation engulfed them. 

Eren’s hand paused over the page, his fingers touching the outline of the titan. 

Esther was nervous to look up. She did not want to see him frown. She did not want him to look at her with a distant anger, to ask her how she could be lying to him since the day they met and still find the audacity to be mad at him for what happened at the bookstore. She didn’t want to be on the other side of his anger, and she didn’t want him to walk away from her. She didn’t-

“Took you long enough.” Eren said, his calm voice piercing the silence and the turmoil in her mind, stabbing the uncertainty and the fear. 

Her head shot up, and her widened eyes stared at him in disbelief. His face was so indifferent, a far cry from the emotional mess that Esther was expecting. 

“W-What?” She stuttered in surprise. 

His unexpected reaction was no match for Annie’s, because Esther was at least able to understand that Annie never really cared about her true identity, but it wasn’t like Eren to realise her suspicious lie and to still keep quiet about it. 

Her cheeks burned with shame, and her shoulders tensed. How long had he known? What did he think of her as she lied straight to his face? Esther desperately hoped that he wasn’t feeling the same heartbreak that he had caused a year ago.

“No offence, but it was pretty obvious that you were hiding something. I just wasn’t sure what.” He shrugged nonchalantly, but a hint of thoughtfulness was residing in his eyes. It was almost like her reveal had no impact on him, yet the questions he wanted to ask could barely be contained at the same time.

Esther’s eyebrow twitched in confusion. She had to take the deepest breath and she had to encourage herself with pats and clenched fists just to spit out one simple sentence, and he wasn’t even fazed by it. 

“Are you not mad at me?” Esther asked with all the loathsome hesitancy suppressing her voice. 

She genuinely felt guilty, and she looked nervous to hear his answer. Her heart broke for the possibility of an apology flower she might have to give to him, because she just didn’t want his first flower to be a purple hyacinth. She didn’t want him to breathe in its sorrowfully beautiful scent.

Eren’s face wouldn’t give away more than what she could already see, and his hair reacted to the light wind’s touch with the same nonchalance. The weak current did so little to cool Esther’s burning cheeks, and when Eren glanced at the redness, she wished the ground would swallow her whole.

“No. I’m more confused than anything. Why did you lie?” His answer sprinkled her apprehension with water, and his question brought it back in flames.

“I was- I was afraid.” She looked down, the shadow of her long lashes falling on her cheekbones, the touch so gentle and soft. 

Calm down, they whispered to the warm tint on her cheeks. It’s alright.

The furrow of her eyebrows disrupted the skin on the bridge of her nose. Eren’s hand twitched against the back of the bench. 

“Afraid of what?“ He asked, determined and persistent to find all of her secrets out.

Esther let out a weak sigh, the story she was about to tell lining up on her tongue and creating a huge lump in her throat, only this time it didn’t clash with the air she breathed in.

“Do you know about the Underground City?”

“I heard about it.”

“I was born there. I was raised there, and I lived there until I enlisted.” The weight that was lifted from her shoulders the more she revealed was unmatched. 

It was almost like a silent encouragement for her to tell him more, to look him in his attentive eyes and to let him know about every single corner of her memories, until he was well informed of the tiniest of details. Because it was him, and it was her whole past laid bare on the bench, the inanimate book their witness as she tore down the walls built on her remorseful secrets.

Chapter Text

Year 850

Another winter came to pass without making the training-filled days any easier for the cadets. The final year of the Cadet Corps brought intensely graded exercises with hardships Esther couldn’t even begin to count with her fingers. 

Everyone was trying to climb atop each other, eager hands digging into stone walls and the cracks drawing blood from their skin, all because they wanted to be one of the first ten cadets to earn a place in the esteemed Military Police. All because they wanted to be a member of a regiment that did nothing but exploit their status and feed off of the helplessness of the poor by making them even poorer, unacceptably so.

Esther worked as hard as their hardest workers, not to live in the interior but to venture outside for reasons Jean would label as insane. 

One good thing came out of the final year of training, and that was the horses. Eren thought so, at least. Esther believed otherwise.

“Keep up, Esther!” He yelled out into the open path, fast on a trail that was leading them deeper into the forest and leaving Esther in the dust. 

The trees surrounded them with low grass and bushes, the wind hit their faces and threw their hair back with no mercy the more they sped up. 

Esther had difficulty leading her horse around, the reins created bruises on her fingers and her legs hurt from riding it for over half an hour. The horse had the colour of the darkest of browns with an even darker mane and tail, and it was fittingly named Ebony. Not to mention, she had quite the temper.

“Eren, she’s acting up again!” Esther’s voice trembled in panic as she pulled the reins, applying more force than necessary.

Ebony stopped running without a choice, but the fact that she kept swaying and stomping her hoof rendered Esther even more anxious, especially since she was the unfortunate rider sitting on top of her unstable body.

Eren’s horse came to a halt a short distance ahead of her. His was a calmer, gentler animal with an attitude far from being ill-tempered. 

A bead of sweat rolled down Esther’s cheek. She knew she should’ve picked a horse better suited for her. She should’ve picked a friendlier one to ride around, and she shouldn’t have tried to prove something without actually possessing enough skill and knowledge to prove it. 

Eren dismounted his horse, a mare lighter in colour named Starlet. She was obedient with a visible eagerness to please, blessed with a happy and playful personality in general. 

Esther let out a sigh weighed down by stress, her legs tightening around Ebony’s ribs to prevent herself from falling, which seemed imminent. She should’ve picked Starlet first.

Eren tied Starlet to a nearby tree, but even he must’ve known that he needn’t do that. She wouldn’t go anywhere without being told to flee. Ebony, on the other hand, would probably sprint the moment Esther dared to let go of her reins. 

“Calm down.” Eren approached the nervous horse with a tone lower than usual, his hands in the air to show he meant no harm. His steps were carefully controlled. Esther couldn’t be sure if he was trying to calm the horse or her, because there was no denying that she needed it even more.

Ebony let him approach, still swaying and stomping but showing no attempt to shy away from him. The fact that she even stepped closer to him made Esther believe that the damn horse was acting up on purpose to cause unnecessary drama.

“She just wants attention, I swear.” Esther complained, keeping her voice low to avoid irritating the horse more than she was irritating her rider. 

She realised how dry her mouth had gotten after she spoke, and the cough that followed her complaint was nothing but embarrassing. 

“Yeah, she does.” Eren let out a soft, breathy laugh, careful not to startle Ebony. He held her noseband with one hand, keeping her in place, while his other hand patted her neck. His soothing voice and pats merged with his firm hold on her, grounding Ebony and calming her.

Esther finally felt the continuous sways coming to a cease. Her beating heart slowed down, and she sighed in relief.

“Thank you.” She murmured, her cheeks flushed from the whole ordeal as if she wasn’t embarrassed enough already.

“It’s alright,” He smiled up at her, sunlight of the noon leaking from the gaps of the tree leaves and hitting his face in irregular shapes. “But you need to learn to calm yourself too. She knows you’re nervous, she won’t listen to you if you keep acting like that.”

Esther blinked at him, and a smile of her own slowly crept up on her face. She looked down, a shy attempt to hide it from him.

“What are you smiling at?” He noticed anyway, and Esther’s grin widened.

“Nothing,” She shrugged. “I just find it funny whenever you tell me to keep calm.”

Eren’s hand paused in between Ebony’s dark eyes, and a bashful frown made its way to his face before too late.

“Shut up,” He scoffed, averting his eyes. “I’m just trying to help.”

Esther’s smile dimmed a little, and her amusement was gone, but fondness lingered somewhere in the corner of her lips. It made her look down at the reins in her fidgeting hands, and she found herself agreeing with him. 

He was right, she should’ve been assertive, authoritative. She should’ve taken control of the situation and she shouldn’t have allowed the horse to act so immaturely. He was right, but she didn’t know how to be that person. 

Knowing her mistakes did not make her feel any better, because she just couldn’t figure out a way to fix them. She felt like a child not capable of performing the simplest tasks that were given to her. It was a problem, because she couldn’t allow herself to go back to being that child ever again.

“I know, I’m sorry. I should’ve picked a calmer horse.” The apology left her lips in a weak mumble. 

Eren patted Ebony once more, and Ebony huffed with her head hanging low. Esther’s fingers twitched, and the shattered pieces of the child she once was cut deep into her skin from where she was trying to hold onto the reins. 

“No, I think you were right to pick this one. We’re going to be on horseback a lot of the time when we join the Scouts. It’s best to spend time with the toughest ones, that way we’ll know what to do in a difficult situation,” Eren reassured, his uplifting voice earning him an unsure glance from Esther. 

“Did Armin tell you that?” She asked hesitantly, searching his face. The immediate falter in his movements almost brought back her smile.

“What if he did? It’s true.” Eren insisted.

He’s right, Esther thought again. Whatever he told her, he always seemed to be right. 

Eren gave Starlet a short look over his shoulder. His horse was waiting patiently, nibbling on the grass by the tree as her reins swayed gently with the movement.

“Why don’t you ride my horse on the way back, though? Maybe you still need to get used to them.” He suggested. 

Esther didn’t think to protest, because she simply didn’t have an argument, nor did she want to insist otherwise. She removed her right foot from the stirrup and moved it over the horse’s croup, carefully dismounting her as Eren kept Ebony in place. Feeling the earth beneath her feet felt nice, and she spared herself a short moment to gain her balance back.

“Thank you.” She offered her gratitude once again. It seemed like it was all she'd been doing for him lately. No, not lately. Ever since she told him the truth. 

Year 849

The high noon had fallen upon their lone figures out in the open, the book now closed, and the secrets Esther carried were out in the open for Eren to process. He listened to her without asking a single question or making the smallest of comments, but he couldn’t keep his lips from moving as if he was barely containing himself. He listened to her with his wide eyes and focused frown, and he listened carefully like she was telling him the hidden secret of the whole world. 

The moment she stopped talking was the moment the world turned silent. It seemed like the birds were soaring intentionally slow as they watched them, not flapping their wings to avoid making a noise. Even the rustling of leaves somewhere in the distance was quiet. The crickets must’ve been asleep, and the cadets must’ve come to a unanimous decision to keep their voices down as they walked past. All for Esther to finish her story, and for Eren to look up at the sky as thoughts passed behind his distant eyes. They were silent to Esther, and her fingers fidgeted on her lap as she waited for him to say something, anything.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in the Eastern Division?” He eventually asked. His voice was flat, and half of his mind was absent from the conversation. It made her think that he was simply buying time to think of what else to say, how else to react.

“I left Stohess as soon as I got out. I enlisted in Ehrmich,” Esther mumbled, reliving the tingling feeling she felt on her spine as she fled Stohess and the Underground City. “I was afraid they’d somehow send me back. I wanted to be as far away from there as possible.” 

“I see,” Eren mused, thoughtful still. “Reiner told me you called Maria your hometown. He kept asking what that was about.”

His words felt out of place, and she couldn’t understand why he was uttering them. She couldn’t understand why Reiner would bring that up again either, not when she explained that what she said was nothing but misspoken words. She did not understand why he would question Eren, and she did not understand why Eren was asking the strangest questions out of everything he could interrogate her about.

“I didn’t mean to say that, I misspoke. Do you think I’m lying to you?” Esther asked, a nervous look on her face as she tried to catch his eyes. It was to no avail, unfortunately. The gaze he shared with the vast sky couldn’t be broken. 

However, he did blink, a perplexed lift of his eyebrows made her believe that he thought about the idea of her being from Maria long enough to convince himself. It must’ve made sense to him, how she never talked about her home, how she inadvertently revealed that her parents were gone, and how her first words to Shadis were ‘I want to kill the titans’.

“So you don’t want to kill the titans?” Another strange question was crossed off of the list, but this one in particular tied Esther’s tongue. It was almost like he read her mind, like he aimed to slap it right in her face.

Guilt was dropped in her heart, and it grew bigger and stronger with each shattering beat. Eren did not care about where she came from, he couldn’t care less about what secrets of the past she kept from him. What he did care about, though, was the fact that she lied to him about what initiated their friendship. She told him she wanted to kill the titans, and she listened to him go on and on about his dreams to free the humankind from their domination all the while acting like she shared his dreams. She let him believe that she was the only person who completely understood his motivations without judging him, and he couldn’t care less about anything else but her cruel deception.

She looked away, suddenly afraid to catch his gaze and see hatred behind it. Or worse, emptiness. What to say? What would make him despise her less? What would save herself from a lifetime worth of regret?

“It’s- It’s not really what I’m after, but I’m going to do it anyway. I will join the Survey Corps, I will find my family, and I will kill the titans no matter what. It’ll be under different circumstances, but I will still do it.” Esther explained, hoping it would be enough of an answer for Eren to accept; hoping he wouldn’t hold this against her, and hoping he’d still allow her to listen to his dreams.

She saw him move from the corner of her eye. He turned his head to look at her, but Esther was reluctant to see the expression on his face. Whatever it was, it would forever be engraved in her memory, and she was afraid of it being the same expression he directed at those who were completely fine with living off their days behind the walls. 

“Of course you will. Once you start fighting, you won’t be able to stop until every last one of them is dead,” Eren stated, his voice firm and confident as if he could see something she was too blind to notice. “If that Levi from your stories is the same person as the captain, then he now has the highest elimination count in history. Someone who yearned for freedom their whole life can’t be caged behind these walls.”

His words carried enough force to lift her head. She looked at him without meaning to, and met the sparks in his eyes that almost set hers on fire. It was difficult for her to label Eren under one category, as his reactions kept changing form. His curved eyebrows were disappointed with her, and also sad; as if he could see through her broken heart. He was grieving the days she had to spend without freedom. But he was also encouraging. He was irritated, but the faint smile that lifted one corner of his lips somehow suggested otherwise. He might’ve been crestfallen to realise she didn’t share his dream at first, but for some reason, he still believed in her.

“Eren.” She whispered, lack of words on her tongue making her pause. 

He looked at her, never breaking their non-physical contact as she searched his unblinking eyes. Maybe he was right. Maybe she would grow to detest living behind these confining walls. Maybe she’d grow tired of seeing the same buildings over and over again like she did in the Underground, and maybe she’d want more like him. Maybe that was what fuelled Levi. Maybe that was the reason he never came back, the urge to get rid of the villains worse than the rich noble men that took their freedom away. Maybe Eren was right to assume that the walls couldn’t keep Levi restrained either.

“You have a beautiful dream. A great one.” She eventually found her voice. “Do you know what I dream of?”

Eren didn’t answer, but his silence was patient. It was curious, and it was eager to get as many words as he could out of her lips.

“A lovely house, surrounded by the biggest flower garden anyone has ever seen. I’ve been dreaming of it as far as I can remember. I want to be with my family, and I want to live a happy life there with them by my side.” She said with the faintest touch of a smile on her lips. The dream carried her somewhere safe, and when she came back down to reality, the lightness on her face was gone. “It’s not as ambitious as yours, and I don’t think I’m asking for much, but I still shouldn’t have lied to you. I’m sorry.”

Eren kept his eyes on her even when she looked down, ashamed and downcast. Dreams were a strange phenomenon. The illusion of them brought Eren and Esther together the same way their reality was breaking them apart. They made her wish she had been honest from the beginning, and they made her realise her own dreams weren’t as big and important as she thought them to be.

“We have the same dream, Esther. Don’t you see?” Eren sighed, but not in surrender. Never in surrender. He took a deep breath, determined to talk to her, to make her see. “I want a happy life too. I want to live, knowing the people I care about are safe. But we can’t have that if we don’t fight. We’ll never live without fear if we don’t eradicate the enemy, do you realise that?” 

He stood up without giving her a chance to reply, or to evaluate his statements. He stood up, and he approached the fence that prevented them from going any further. He faced the clouds and the invisible stars like the army of them couldn’t stop him even if they tried to. 

The weightless pages of Esther’s book flipped over with the breeze, now forgotten on the bench as she watched him shoulder the horizon.

“We will take back our land, and we will go beyond these walls. There’s nothing that can stop us,” Eren said, leaving no room for argument nor doubts. His stiff shoulders and determined fists wouldn’t allow her to question him, or dare not to believe him. He looked over his shoulder, catching the eyes he was committed to fill with hope and wonder, and he responded to them with a reassuring smile, “I don’t think I’m asking for much either.” 

Year 850

Esther followed Eren as they made their way back to the stables. Ebony responded well to him, and Starlet was so much easier to ride for a little less than capable Esther. She watched the back of Eren’s head the whole way back, watched his hair jump and fall back into place and the colour brown catch the warm sunlight. He looked back at her sometimes, making sure she wasn’t having any trouble, making sure she was following behind at all times.

Esther looked away, her fingers unintentionally tightening around the reins. The soil path was in an endlessly moving loop beneath her, and the greenery was blurred in her peripheral vision. 

Isabel would always call the people who lived on the surface nasty names, saying they would never understand what being deprived of the sunlight would feel like. She felt pessimistic on her worst days, and even though the recovery would be fast, she’d say the citizens of the walls wouldn’t accept them no matter how hard they tried.

Isabel was wrong.

The day after Esther revealed her past to Eren, he took her back to the tree where she learned about the outside world from Armin. They didn’t do anything but lie and bathe in the sunlight, and it was nothing but him admitting he used to do the same back home. He said he couldn’t help but slack off while Mikasa gathered all the fallen firewood. 

Esther told him about the rooftop of her home in return, about the fake stars and the confining ceiling, because she had nothing else to offer him. He listened.

Three days later, she told Mikasa and Armin. They were having lunch at the mess hall, and words left her lips before she could weigh her options. It seemed like the best way for her to reveal her past to someone was to not think about it beforehand. She’d simply say it, and she’d let the aftermath consume her doubt filled thoughts. 

Armin offered her a kind smile like he always had, and expressed his appreciation for her honesty and trust. Her nervous stare was long gone before Mikasa asked if the Underground was the reason for her liking to flowers. Esther ended up telling them a little story about a certain Impatiens. 

A week passed by, and Eren still had curiosity about her that only seemed to grow bigger and hungrier the more she fed it with answers. It was almost like he’d been waiting, waiting and waiting just to get to know her.

“Do you have a home to visit? You mentioned a woman who looked after you for a while.” Eren asked one evening as they walked in the storage room to relieve themselves of their gears.

Esther dropped her equipment off on her space on the shelf. The loud clinking sound formed a grimace on Eren’s face, and an instinctive look was sent her way over his shoulder. 

Her eyes were downcast, and her hands were still resting on the metal of the scabbards. The chandelier carrying candles illuminated one side of her face with a warm glow, and the question she’d been avoiding for a while helped put shadows below her eyebrows. 

Eren paused, and Eren wondered if he shouldn’t have opened his damn mouth. He wondered if her temporary carer had faced some tragic end, and he wondered what would be a nice way to apologise for being inconsiderate as Esther dropped her hands with a sigh.

“I do. I told her I’d visit.” Esther answered, and the inadvertent mention of a promise felt like poison on her tongue. Never had she been burnt by something more hurtful than an unfulfilled promise, and she had difficulty remembering a promise that had never been broken; given or taken. 

It was still fresh in her mind, like all the memories she carried, this one wouldn’t go away either. It was the night before she’d finally leave the Underground. It was the last night she’d spend sleeping on Elsa’s couch, wondering what lied above their ceiling. It was the last night of a lifetime of inconveniences that had just become a routine for her. She still remembered Elsa’s gentle hand on her hair as she laid down, getting ready for a sleep that wouldn’t come. 

“You can always come back, you know. Whenever you want,” She mumbled into the night, bearing the burden of taking the role of a mother sending her child off to war. Bearing the burden of not being able to do a single thing about it, because she was neither the mother nor a figure of authority in Esther’s life. It had always been a temporary relation since the very beginning. “I’ll be here.” 

There was modesty in those words, not exactly necessary nor able to convey anything meaningful. ‘I’ll always be here, because unlike you, I’m meant to waste away in this place,’ might’ve been more appropriate, though less reassuring. 

Esther remembered not thinking beyond her carer’s wistful undertone. She’d looked up and grabbed Elsa’s wrist, halting her caress.

“Don’t be sad. I can hear it in your voice.” She said, managing to put a forced smile on the woman’s face.

“Oh, don’t you mind me. I got… used to your company.” Elsa laughed at her own sentimental response, and watched Esther’s face form into an expression of uncertainty. 

“I’ll come visit, don’t worry. And don’t be sad.” Esther repeated; her voice was confident and reassuring, like Levi’s had been before he disappeared. And Esther promised without even uttering the word, like Levi had. 

And Esther never went back, continuing to follow after Levi in every way, even if he wasn’t there to see it. She chased the empty words of his just so she could gift them to the woman who generously took care of her.

Esther was so used to tracing Levi’s steps that she didn’t know where to stop. She didn’t know when to become her own person, how to be someone without him, and she wished it wouldn’t have to be like that. In her ambitious dreams to be like him, she neglected to realise how much of him had already imprinted on her. She just never managed to take after his best aspects; his strength and his ability to always know what to do when hardships hit their door. No, she became his worst essence, and she grew up to be a liar.

She wondered if Elsa had been thinking of her every second of the day like Esther had been thinking of her found and lost family. Was she worried? Was she still hoping for her to return at one point? Did she miss her at all?

“Am I a bad person?” Esther asked out loud, her eyes downcast and unfocused. 

Eren paused a short distance away from her, his gear heavy in his arms. The answer must’ve already been formed at the tip of his tongue, ready to reassure Esther’s usually doubtful mind, but instead, he chose to get rid of his equipment in silence.

The lack of an answer made Esther lift her head. She watched him walk over to the shelf he used, and she watched him do it all too casually while she drowned in her own self-consciousness. Her own loud mind that no one quite managed to silence.

“I… I was afraid to go back. I was afraid I’d never be able to get out again, or she’d somehow convince me to stay with her. So I’ve been avoiding it.” She explained unnecessarily. It was a desperate attempt to break the silence, and to make him understand her reasons; to make someone understand her.

Eren adjusted his gear on the rack with the help of the soft glow. Esther waited in anticipation for him to turn and face her eventually, and when he did, her fingers had already creased the hem of her shirt.

His hair was a mess, as well as his uniform. He always managed to display a disheveled appearance after an efficient training, carrying the marks of wind and dust. Showing off all his energy that he’d set free up in the air, above the branches and below the clouds.

“You’re not a bad person,” He graced her with a reply, and filled the void of silence. “You’re just afraid.”

Esther looked away with a gulp, only then did she realise the gap between her lips. She bit down on her bottom one, summoning blood to form beneath the thin skin. 

She had a list of reasons why Levi, Furlan and Isabel hadn’t returned for her, and each line ended with many question marks that she couldn’t even begin to count. A new one made it to the roll right then and there, under the soft glow of the chandelier candles.

“Do you think… Do you think they didn’t return for that reason too?” She asked. She asked and she asked. That was all she’d been doing for the past six years. Six whole years, and she still couldn’t find the answer. 

She must’ve done something horrible, something unforgivable to be deprived of the answer she deserved. She did have a few ideas too, and dripping blood on her fingertips, but those were the things she grew up believing were rightful actions. Therefore, there was nothing in the world that she knew of to convince her that she deserved to be abandoned so carelessly.

Eren couldn’t answer her even if he wanted to. He understood fear, and he understood helplessness. He understood Esther, and he couldn’t blame the sad look in her eyes whenever she brought up how afraid she was to be sent back beneath the earth and rubble. He could cut Captain Levi some slack too, if he was the man Esther hoped him to be, because he was an admirable soldier. Because he fought each day and killed more titans than anyone ever could, but there were things Eren just wouldn’t be able to make sense of either. 

The longer he watched Esther train until she couldn’t walk straight anymore, the deeper he frowned. The longer she stared into the far horizon with eyes so lost yet so hopeful, the longer he wondered how her so-called family could leave her behind in that prison of a city, all alone, while they ventured outside and tasted freedom.

But he just couldn’t bring himself to look at her doubt-filled face and downright blame her loved ones, not when she was doing her best to make up excuses for them.

“I don’t have the answer, Esther,” Eren said instead, but his words didn’t disappoint her. They couldn’t, because she’d been disappointed by her own lack of understanding for far too many times that she got used to receiving no explanations. 

She saw Eren approach from the corner of her eye. He paused right next to her on his way to the exit, and the bump he gave her arm with his elbow managed to rock her doubts before sending them flying away. 

“You have to ask them yourself in a few months.” He gave her a smile that was hopeful, because she couldn’t. He smiled in raw belief and determination in her stead, because she seemed to forget how to do it along the years. 

A few months. Six years were left behind already, though not fast enough, and she only had a short few months ahead of her. 

“Thank you, again.” Esther sighed as she got off the horse. Eren was already leading Ebony to the stables, and Esther almost stumbled on her own feet while trying to catch up to him. 

The surrounding area had a smell of old leather and hay. The scent of manure got stronger the further in they walked, and the musty yet mellow smell of the horses were rising from the stables. 

“Stop saying that.“ Eren said in response instead of accepting her gratitude like he’d been doing all this time. 

Esther didn’t say anything back, she didn’t force it down his throat. She knew he must’ve gotten sick of her thanking him for all the littlest favours he did for her, but he must’ve also known that she wouldn’t be able to stop anytime soon. 

They accompanied Ebony and Starlet to their stalls, and they set to removing their saddles. The moment was almost peaceful as they worked with heavy leather equipment, and Esther was glad she didn’t have to deal with Ebony at that very moment. Her huffs coming from a nearby stall and Eren’s attempts to calm her down made her believe that the damn horse would probably bite her arm off if she tried to untangle the reins from her bridle.

“You’re back! How was the practice?” Reiner’s sudden voice boomed from the doorway of the stable. 

Esther did not answer, and she refused to lift her head from her task at hand. Leaving the talking to Eren seemed like the best idea, mainly because she didn’t have good things to say. She was doing the opposite of improving, and admitting it to someone as skilful as Reiner would be nothing but embarrassing. 

“Good! We had some trouble with this one, but we handled it.” By we, Eren must’ve meant I handled it and Esther acted like a little baby instead of a soon-to-be-soldier.

“She has terrible manners.” Esther’s voice sounded from where she was placing the heavy saddle on a rack. She dropped it with a huff and wiped her damp forehead with the rough texture of her high waist jacket. 

“Don’t let her hear you, she’ll understand.” Reiner joked, leaning against the door of an empty stall with his arms crossed. 

“She’s heard enough, believe me.” Esther headed back to Starlet to remove her saddle pad, an exhausted smile forming on her face.

“Poor Ebony.” Eren mumbled to himself, patting the dark horse as if he was consoling her.

“Oh, please.” Esther rolled her eyes, her condescending tone earning her a huff of air from him, which suspiciously sounded like a snort.

“Don’t worry, Esther. You’ll get the hang of it.” Reiner jumped in, amusement slowly abandoning his voice as he pushed himself away from the stall. He approached Starlet, resting one arm on the wooden door while petting the spot between her eyes with his other hand. “If you’re up for it, we can go on a ride on Sunday afternoon. I’ll help you. You too, Eren.”

“Really? Thanks, Reiner!” Eren accepted the invitation without an ounce of hesitation. His head was peeking out from the low walls of the stall, eyebrows shot up with an eager smile on his face. 

Esther looked down at the pad in her hands unsurely. She wanted to tell Reiner that he didn’t have to waste his time trying to help her, but Eren was smiling. He was always eager to receive any help he could get from their stronger classmates, from Reiner in particular. So Esther smiled, and responded to Reiner’s expectant gaze with a nod.

“Thank you.” 

“No need. We’ll meet here an hour after lunch.” He instructed, and a pair of heads nodded along.

༻✿༺

When Sunday arrived, Eren all but dragged her to the stables as soon as lunch was over. 

“Reiner is incredibly capable,” He told her as if she wasn’t aware of Reiner’s skills already. 

Still, her lips were shut and stretched into a smile as she let him pull her from the wrist like she wouldn’t have followed him otherwise. 

His excitement was contagious often times, a feat to brighten up her day, even. She had no complaints about it. 

“He’ll teach you how to handle a horse properly, you’ll see!”

“You taught me plenty as well, Eren.” She gave him credit for all the times he helped her. The problem wasn’t the teacher, it was her. And maybe the horses she so carelessly picked too. 

“Yes, but it’s Reiner!” He glanced at her over his shoulder, taking the wind behind him as his parted bangs flew into his face. They reached out in her direction, while her loose braids swayed away. 

“You sure like him.” She commented, and watched him turn back around with the touch of a faint smile.

“Yeah,” He admitted. “He’s going to make a great soldier. I want to be like him.” 

“You will be. You work harder than anybody else.” Esther reassured as they walked past the wooden gates of the stables. They were left ajar, and a couple cadets were riding on their own in the open field. 

“So do you,” Eren let her wrist go as they headed towards the stalls. The scent of peppery leather quickly drowned the smell of freshly cut grass. “Once we join the Scouts, we’re going to climb up the ranks in no time, you’ll see.”

The glint in his eyes passed on to hers, another part of him that was dangerously contagious. She’d never fought a titan before, so she was unsure if she’d be victorious over one, let alone over an army of them. But if Eren, the boy who witnessed their wrath at first hand, told her that they would make it out alive and successful out there, then she believed it to be true. 

“You’re early.” Reiner waved them over from where he was saddling a horse. Eren’s steps quickened the moment he heard his voice.

“Eren was so excited to train with you that he basically dragged us here. He didn’t even finish his lunch.” Esther said as she caught up to him.

“Hey!” Eren turned to glare at her, an embarrassed flush on his cheeks. If he were to confront his appearance, he’d deny it and try to convince himself and everyone else that it was because of the hasty walk they took to get here. 

Reiner placed a firm hand on his shoulder, causing him to sway on his spot, and Esther’s guilty smile was saved from Eren’s flustered wrath. 

“Eren, you already achieved a lot on your own. You gotta start believing in your own strength.” Reiner patted his shoulder, not realising the force he’d been putting into the friendly gesture, and Eren struggled to keep his cough down. 

“I didn’t achieve anything.” He stepped away, rubbing the spot that was left traumatised. 

“You have good grades.” Esther pointed out, noticing the frown that was starting to form on his face. 

Esther didn’t want him to feel like he wasn’t enough. She never wanted him to be starved by the doubts of insecurity, the very same doubts that raised her. 

Eren started off on a rocky path, with what happened with his faulty belt and all, but he was determined. He never slacked off, not when it came to physical training. He failed as easily as he succeeded. He got discouraged as fast as he recovered, but he never gave up on a single thing, and Esther admired his ambition and sheer determination. She could understand it, understand him. The fuelling will she felt in her own chest might not have been as ambitious as his, but it was still there, flowing through her veins with each heartbeat; and she still shared it with him.

“That’s right. You’ll be in top ten if you keep it up.” Reiner encouraged, taking his horse out of the stall; a large stallion with a chestnut coat.

“Not that it matters.” Eren mumbled, and Esther bumped his arm with her elbow; displeased with the lack of confidence and excitement on his face.

“It matters,” She caught his eyes. “It shows your level. The Scouts will be impressed if we make it to top ten, won’t they?” 

Eren paused, carefully processed her words, and let the downcast frown of his turn into a determined one, slowly but surely. A smile tugged at his lips, and it was unsurprisingly contagious as well.

“Yeah, they will.” He agreed as Esther shared his pleasant grin, and it was Reiner who encouraged them to get a move on and to start saddling a horse. 

“Esther, you work with Silver Dillon right here. He’s playful but well disciplined, a fitting horse for you.” He instructed, pointing at a dapple gray horse as he walked past him. 

Esther approached the horse, her cheeks warming up as she had difficulty understanding if the attribution was supposed to be a compliment or just a simple observation. 

“Well disciplined.” Eren scoffed as he walked past, playful sarcasm dripping from his voice. 

Esther paused in surprise, turning to send his withdrawing figure a slightly offended glare. 

After all I’ve said to encourage you, she thought in mock betrayal.

“I am well disciplined!” Esther defended herself. And even though he was simply messing with her, she still managed to find the insecurity hiding somewhere deep beneath her unwanted emotions. “Instructors like me, have you not noticed?”

Eren didn’t bother to look back at her, and he didn’t respond to her glare in any way. A mocking snort was what he so graciously offered her.

“I think you’re talking about Mikasa.” He said, stopping by Starlet’s stall down the corridor. His preference wasn’t surprising in the slightest, Starlet was a favourite among the cadets.

“They can have more than a single favourite cadet.” She turned back around with a huff, coming face to face with the horse’s smelling nose. Startled, she pulled her head back as she opened the door to his stall, a portion of her cheek already wet from the unavoidable contact. 

“If that’s the case, you have another big competition.” Eren said, his voice strained as he carried a saddle over to her. He was leaning back to maintain his balance. 

Esther paused at the sight, displeasure abandoning her expression in response to his kind gesture.

“Who?” She asked, her voice quiet as she stared at the saddle, the pad draped over it. 

“Me.” He pushed the equipment towards her, and her lids lowered over her momentarily widened eyes in playful annoyance. 

“Why don’t we ask our instructors after we graduate?” She challenged, grabbing the pad and turning away from his grin. 

“Sure, if you want to lose that bad.” He tempted as Esther laid the pad on Silver Dillon’s back. She took the saddle next, careful not to hit the horse with it as she manoeuvred around the stall.

“What do I get when I win?” She asked as Eren leaned against the stall door, his arms now empty and relaxed.

“That’s if you win,” He corrected all too smugly. “And I’m not sure, what do you want?”

Esther released the big chunk of air she’d been holding once the saddle was properly placed on the patient horse. She dusted off her hands and stared at her work, thinking over her options. 

“I don’t know,” She shrugged, absentmindedly tapping her fingers against the side seams of her pants. She did know, and so did the faint rosy colour on her cheeks. “Daisies, maybe. Alive ones this time.”

A dry gulp ended her suggestion, and she couldn’t figure out where the mention of a daisy came from. She couldn’t understand the warmth that was unexpectedly creeping up on her cheeks, and she couldn’t quite understand the bemused look on Eren’s face either. 

He looked elsewhere in an attempt to regain his arrogant act, to come up with a playful reply, but all he could manage to do was to shoot an invisible hole through the stall door with his sudden glare. 

Her request reminded him of the apology gift he gave her under a moonlit sky, and he remembered how vulnerable they looked in his hands. How vulnerable she was as she tried so hard not to cry; as she held his stupid, pathetic looking flowers that he so carelessly crushed in his nervous hands as if they were, in reality, a precious gift. Their earthy scent was still fresh in his mind, along with the feeling of damp, broken stems tingling his skin.

“Fine. What do I get?” He accepted quickly in an attempt to dismiss the memory as he crossed his arms. 

“A flower of my choice. I’ll pick a fitting one for you.” Esther suggested, rubbing off an invisible stain that wasn’t on the saddle in the first place. 

She felt slightly embarrassed, bringing up flowers in a context that she never brought up before. She felt as flustered as Eren looked, because for some unknown, unexplainably complex reason, she couldn’t think of a single flower to gift to him. Except for one.

She tried to make a list of all the flowers she knew, all the symbolisms she had stored in her memory. She tried to think of one that would complement his strength and morals, one that would also be a nice graduation gift for his achievement, earned by his unbreakable spirit. But no, all she could think of was a purple lilac with a heart melting innocence in its beautifully fluttering petals. She could already see its reflection in his bright eyes as it swayed in the wind.

Esther’s eyebrows twitched at the sight of it in her head, the thought halting her distracted movements.

What am I thinking? She scolded herself. Did she even realise what she was daring to insinuate? Could she even grasp it? All of her flustering thoughts and ideas aside, Eren wouldn’t know how to take care of a flower in the first place. She didn’t have a single doubt that he didn’t even want a flower from her anyway.

It’s alright, her reassuring voice still managed to be louder than her unaccepting reservations. It’s alright, because she could teach him. She could tell him everything he needed to know. She could grab his wrist like he’d done to her only a short moment ago, and she could drag him from stem to stem and tell him all about her little world. They’d be joining the same regiment after all. They’d have all the time in the world.

Somewhere along Esther’s mental debate, Eren averted his eyes once more. It was an instant reaction to her nonchalant suggestion, and she was a little too late to notice it.

“Sure. Whatever.” He shrugged, turning away from her and leaning his back against the wall. His profile displayed faint redness on his cheek, and Esther raised an inquisitive eyebrow. 

“Why- Why are you blushing?” She asked timidly, as if she wasn’t the one to display a warm flush on her face in the first place. As if she wasn’t guilty of her own treacherous thoughts.

“What?” Eren’s head snapped towards her, his eyes wide and expression stunned. “I’m not-“

“Flowers are nothing to be embarrassed about.” Esther tried to reason, secretly hoping she didn’t make him uncomfortable with her out-of-nowhere suggestion.

“I’m not blushing, what the hell are you talking about?” He raised his voice in defence, a ferocious frown shielding his face. It almost made Esther take a step back. 

“It’s just- Your cheeks are red.” She pointed at his face, the motion of her hand hesitant and her voice shy. An inevitable response to his unexpected reaction. 

“It’s because I carried that saddle for you. You’re welcome by the way.” Eren spat, spinning around and rushing back to Starlet’s stall, almost bumping into an open door on his way.

Esther’s lips were left parted as she watched him leave her side, but not a single word made it out. Bewilderment was holding a barricade at the exit, and she was surprised, to say the least.

Eren was easy to trigger, easy to overreact. Esther never tried to push his buttons on purpose, but she somehow always managed to make him either look away or walk away. 

She lowered her hand, feeling somewhat guilty, and stared after him apologetically.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-“ 

“Just get your horse ready, Silver Dandelion or whatever the hell he’s called. Who gave him such a stupid name anyway?” Eren interrupted, making her swallow her apology with his complaining.

Esther looked up at the horse, the inner corners of her eyebrows were involuntarily curved. Her hand was raised again, and she touched his nose in a gentle manner, showing regret for Eren’s mean comment.

“I don’t think it’s stupid, Silver Dillon.” She whispered to him, listening to Eren grumble as he meddled with the reins, having trouble with them getting easily tangled up. The horse huffed beneath her hand in response.

༻✿༺

“Is everything alright?” 

That was what Reiner asked when the two of them walked out with their horses. Eren was doing a great job at avoiding Esther’s eyes by directing his scowl anywhere else but her. So no, everything wasn’t alright, and for reasons that weren’t quite clear to Esther.

Still, she gave Reiner a smile that lacked enthusiasm and a simple nod, leading Silver Dillon towards the opening where he stood. She noticed an additional figure leaning against the fences, wearing his uniform but opting not to participate. He raised a hand when he noticed her stare, a timid one that Esther didn’t hesitate to respond. 

“I wanted to come and watch, if that’s okay with you two.” Bertholdt lowered his hand, and Esther was quick to reassure him, not wishing to make him feel unwelcome no matter how little communication they shared in the past.

“Bertholdt excels at riding. If I can’t manage to teach you how to control a horse, I’ll gladly let him take my place.” Reiner said confidently on behalf of his friend as he mounted his horse.

“I don’t know about that.” Was Bertholdt’s quiet response, a bashful look on his face as he directed his stare down at the fences. 

Esther mounted Silver Dillon, the hope of learning a good deal from Reiner and potentially from Bertholdt was growing in size, but excitement was visibly lacking. It was contrary to what she was expecting from a training that included both Reiner and Eren, and she couldn’t help but believe that it was somehow her fault.

She sent a hesitant look in Eren’s way over her shoulder. He was silent as he settled on the saddle, holding the reins and waiting for Reiner’s instructions. She couldn’t give a meaningful explanation to his outburst back in the stables. She thought maybe he got embarrassed when she brought up the daisies he poorly picked, or maybe he didn’t like the idea of a girl gifting him flowers. Either way, no amount of explanation she could come up with justified his sulking. 

“Alright, Esther,” Reiner’s resonant voice called for her attention. She grabbed the reins tightly. So far, the horse beneath her had been calm and obedient. “Let’s ride around the perimeter first, get you used to the horse. Then we can try some obstacles.” 

Esther gave him a compliant nod, clicking her tongue to follow him towards the front field where a couple cadets were already riding. Their lively laughters rose in volume, signalling that their part time training was coming to an end. 

Reiner picked the path closer to the fences instead of the wide open space, making it easier for her to give her horse clear directions. 

She watched his every move, every motion of his hand to inspect how he was handling the reins. Starlet’s hooves were following Silver Dillon in a rhythmic pace, making her wonder if Eren was watching her with the same attentive eyes. The thought rendered her nervous, but the recent memory of his tendency to avert his eyes brought her back down to earth. 

He was probably looking at anywhere but her.

Esther felt Reiner’s examining eyes on her as he slowed his pace, watching her approach him. Her muscles tensed up in an anxious manner. She felt like she was doing the most basic manoeuvres wrong when he was staring at her so intensely.

“Make sure not to squeeze your legs too hard. You won’t be able to communicate well with the horse if you grip him all the time.” He warned, instructing her to relax her muscles. 

“I don’t want to fall off, that’s all.” She excused. Each step caused her to sway, sending a signal of caution to her brain that made her want to tighten her thighs. 

“You won’t, relax. We’re just taking a stroll. If you learn to apply pressure at the right time, you’ll be able to communicate better with it,” Reiner pressed his left leg slightly forward, making his horse turn right in Esther’s way. He removed the pressure when he was satisfied with the change of direction. “See? I didn’t even use the reins.” 

Eren watched their exchange, silently taking in the little demonstration and trying it on Starlet in the background. He managed to make her turn in the opposite direction he initially wanted with a short tap, but he corrected himself on the second try. Esther, on the other hand, had to try multiple times to get a reaction out of the horse, successful or not.

“You’ll get there,” Reiner reassured. “It’s not that hard, is it?”

“I guess not,” Esther let out a short, breathy laugh to cover her nervousness, but it was debatable whether she was successful or not. “I’m… I’m not really used to animals. Maybe that’s why I’m having trouble.” 

They continued their walk around the stables side by side. Eren picked up his pace to take the empty spot on Reiner’s left, watching the cadets lead their horses to their stalls. 

Reiner took a moment to inspect Esther’s face, to look into her eyes in search of an unknown before turning away.

“Sasha was telling Connie that you are originally from the Underground City. Is that true?” He asked, and if it was Esther walking on her own two feet, she would surely skip a step and trip over them. 

Her eyebrows were lifted in surprise, lips left parted with the unexpected question. She noticed the turn of Eren’s head, and he caught her eyes for the first time since he rushed away from her, watching her carefully as he waited for her answer. 

Sasha. She was told of Esther’s secret under the dancing branches of a redwood tree, right at the spot where they first met. It was nice weather to hang around with stolen snacks and harsh tree trunks to rest their heads against for a short, blissful nap. It slipped her mouth; her stomach was full, and her eyelids were lowered. It just slipped, and she didn’t mind it at all.

Sasha, unlike the others that knew of her origins, reacted slightly more surprised. Not that she didn’t believe her, but for some reason, she had quite a few questions to ask. She asked about what kinds of food they’ve been eating down there, if they had animals or meat at all. She asked if that was the reason why she never scolded her for her little food thefts, because like Esther had been expecting, the longtime residents of the Underground City had a reputation for being criminals.

Esther answered her questions until she reached the line drawn in the earth with the tip of her knife. There were things she couldn’t just say, secrets she couldn’t share with anyone. She simply paused, and she didn’t feel the need to ask Sasha not to tell anyone.

“She was?” Esther mumbled, looking down at the reins in her hand in a thoughtful manner. 

She wasn’t sure if she was disappointed, upset, or neutral. She didn’t want to lie to anyone anymore, but she would’ve preferred to reveal herself on her own, in her own time with her own words when she was comfortable with sharing it. 

But even then, she couldn’t find it in herself to be angry at her. Connie was her closest friend, and Sasha wasn’t known for being closemouthed. If anything, it was Esther’s fault, and she should’ve expected it.

“They were talking amongst themselves, I overheard it as I was passing by,” Reiner explained, and Esther hummed in response. “So it is true then.”

“Yeah.” She accepted. There was no point in denying it, and Reiner was just another name crossed off of her list, another weight being lifted from her shoulders. 

“Why did you keep it a secret?”

Esther didn’t need to take a moment to conjure up an excuse. It was already there, at the tip of her tongue, and a shrug was all it took for them to slip out.

“I was just afraid. You can’t really leave the Underground unless you have residency at the surface level. I was scared of being sent back.” Esther shrugged, downplaying all of her built up doubts and fears.

Not to mention the blood on her hands. Not to mention that Captain Levi, who was supposedly a member of her family, was a notorious criminal targeted by the Military Police for years. If the instructors found out about her link to him, to Furlan and Isabel, who could be able to reassure her that she wouldn’t be kicked out from the Cadet Corps and sent straight into the dungeons? She couldn’t have that. Not after all she’d done to get here. 

She was so close. Graduation was only a few months away, and the light could be seen at the top of the stairs. It was such a familiar sight, and she couldn’t wait to relive the feeling of relief when she’d finally be able to reach what was waiting for her at the end. 

“I’ve never heard about it. Is it that bad?” 

Esther almost grimaced at the question. It was strange, and unpleasant, because people like him didn’t even know of the existence of the city all the while unlucky residents fought to survive for another day without a glimpse of what an actual life was supposed to be like. 

Simple questions and remarks like Reiner’s reminded her of Isabel’s complaints about the residents of the Walls, of how they’d never be able to understand and accept them. It wasn’t Reiner’s fault, or Sasha’s, or anyone else’s except for those who benefited from their sufferings. It was simply strange, because as she dreamt of the sky her whole childhood, people went on with their lives without ever knowing of the struggles she was facing along with many more unfortunate souls.

“Yes. It’s bad.” She answered, and kept her grim expression to herself. 

She could see Reiner’s eyes on her from her peripheral vision. His, and Eren’s. Both silent and evaluative of her sudden solemnity. 

“Is it the same way around? Can anyone from the surface go and live down there?” Reiner wondered, and Esther couldn’t understand why he would even ask such a question. She couldn’t understand why anyone would be willing enough to do that, to even think of doing that.

“Most of us were born there, but if someone wants to move there from the surface, they can. Although, it makes no sense to me. Unless they’re hiding from someone and trying to live a miserable life at the same time, I can’t think of a reason that’s good enough.”

The cadets left them alone on the riding grounds, their chattering and laughter abandoning them into stillness.

Reiner watched her a moment longer, his absentminded frown was pondering over her words. He tapped a finger on the reins, and if Esther looked closely, she could see the questions building up a storm behind his hazel eyes. They were lighter in colour than hers, warmer, lingering near the colour amber; but for some reason, they weren’t as bright. 

“Were your parents born there as well?” He asked unexpectedly.

Esther’s lips parted on their own, and she was ready to feed his curiosity with her knowledge about the city. But she paused. 

She paused, because no one had ever asked that question before, not even herself. And she just didn’t have an answer, because she didn’t even know who they were. She didn’t know what her father looked like, how he died, what his name was. She didn’t know her mother’s job, why she disliked her own daughter so much, why she had to die in the first place. She didn’t know where either of them came from, and she had no one to ask. 

“I… I don’t-“ Esther tried to conjure an answer, but she was struggling. Her hands were fidgeting, and her eyes were unable to focus on one spot as she searched and searched. 

“Reiner, she doesn’t feel comfortable with that question.” Eren jumped in instantly, noticing that familiar look in her eyes. She was lost again, alone on top of her pile of questions.

Esther’s jaw was clenched helplessly, and the short glance she sent his way was grateful. She wished she could ignore the solemn mood they were all in, and she wished she could thank him just so he could look away with a scoff and tell her to stop saying that; but secretly feeling proud of himself for her appreciation.

“Sorry, I got ahead of myself. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, Esther.” Reiner apologized, the stern yet thoughtful look gradually melting away as he offered her a guilty smile.

“It’s alright.” Esther reciprocated with a half hearted one.

“Let’s start with the jumping obstacles.” Reiner announced abruptly with a clearing of his throat, and pulled the reins. His horse came to a halt before Reiner directed him back to where Bertholdt was standing by the fences.

Esther had no objections. She grabbed her reins tighter, and she was about to instruct Silver Dillon to take a turn before Eren addressed her.

“You’re not being sent back,” He said, surprising her with his unbreakable gaze. It made Esther pause, made her freeze and unable to walk away. “You’re about to become a soldier. They can’t send you back there.”

It was hidden beneath his words and his stern voice. Don’t worry, he was telling her. It was in the curve of his eyebrows and in the arms of the graceful sway of his short strands under the gentle wind. In the twitch of his hands and in the slight bow of his head. Don’t worry, he was saying, but he was worrying too. Esther could see it somehow.

She gave him a nod nonetheless, her lips offering him a faint smile. It was genuine, not like the one she offered Reiner, and it was full of relief. Relief for having him look at her again, to talk to her and show no amount of frustration. 

Eren’s eyes fell to her lips to soak up the sight that was her smile. No matter how small, how faint, it still felt criminal. It still made him abruptly turn around before she could begin to give commands to her horse.

Esther followed silently without any choice but to take what she could get from him.

Reiner pointed to the obstacles that were placed with safe distances in between, occupying a spacious area for the cadets to train freely. 

“Eren, why don’t you go first and show her how it’s done?” He suggested, causing a grin to tug on Eren’s lips.

“I thought you were the instructor, Reiner.” He sent the blonde a playful glance.

“What, scared you’ll embarrass yourself?” Reiner taunted, challenging him to take up the offer and to show off his skills. He tipped his chin towards Esther in a subtle motion so only Eren would be able to see it, but he neither had the wit nor the ability to read Reiner’s intentions.

“I’m not scared.” Eren huffed, a glance at the obstacles signalling that he was one teasing comment away from throwing himself out there. 

“Careful Reiner,” Bertholdt joined in from where he was resting his arms on top of the fences. “Eren holds the score for the fastest course completion. He’ll make you eat your words.”

“Let’s see it then.” Reiner looked at the said boy expectantly, and Esther rolled her eyes at their attempts to rile him up. They knew Eren required the littlest amount of encouragement to feel the bubbling need to show off, and Eren did not disappoint in the slightest. 

“Fine.” He closed his legs around Starlet and pressed his stirrups, pushing her into a gallop as he advanced towards the obstacles. 

Esther watched him ride a horse countless times. Watched him fly with his iron wings and watched him spar with a wooden knife. None of them ever stopped being exciting to witness, because no matter how many times he fell behind his classmates, he always found a way to get ahead of them at one point, always figured out a way. And now, he was simply good. 

He worked so hard over the years to perfect his skills, and like a perfectly faulty human being, he did have his slip-ups. He did have his feet slip from the stirrups when his horse was galloping, and he did lose control when he exceeded his preferred speed, but she’d be damned if she didn’t acknowledge his concentration as he manoeuvred around and above the obstacles. 

His body rose and fell back with each jump, and he paid extra attention to his own frame, syncing it well with Starlet’s movements. His rein control was noticeably successful. He never missed the chance to turn at the right time, leaving nothing but dust behind him. Not to mention, he had the skill to assess the distance between himself and the obstacle in such a short time, being able to jump at the perfect moment. 

Esther watched with her wide, bright eyes; unblinking in admiration. Her hands rested on the saddle, supporting her torso as she leaned forward attentively. She didn’t count the time, but he must’ve completed the whole course in mere seconds.

He made his last jump, let the wind push his hair back and wipe away the tension in his furrowed eyebrows. A joyful smile was stretching his lips and showing his teeth, disturbing his concentration. It made him look untroubled, laid back, and Esther found herself smiling for him as soon as she caught sight of it on his face.

Reins were pulled, and Starlet came to a halt with a content snort. Eren, without being able to hide it, immediately searched for Esther’s face to make sure she’d been watching him. It was there in his wide eyes, the curiosity to see her reaction to his performance, the silent desire to be acknowledged by her. It became a habit of his over the past three years, and it was too late to recover now.

“That was amazing, Eren!” Esther clapped, letting go of the reins in a moment of enthusiasm. 

Eren let out a short breath of air, raising one hand to scratch his nape. A bashful smile was decorating his buoyant features.

“Thanks. It wasn’t that impressive or anything-“

“I think you broke your own record.” Reiner interrupted Eren’s attempts to downplay his own achievement. Not to mention, he was a little out of breath even though he wasn’t the one doing the running and the jumping. 

“Well done, Eren.” Bertholdt added his congratulations, boosting Eren’s confidence.

Eren made his way back to Esther and Reiner while basking in the compliments.

“How am I supposed to compete with that?” Esther asked, a playful yet nervous smile on her lips. 

Truly, she couldn’t wait to embarrass herself in front of the three of them. The most successful riders in her class. She couldn’t help but think that she’d unknowingly signed her own death certificate. 

“I believe in you.” Eren nudged her stirrup with his, metals clanking together.

She looked down, grinning a little, and grabbed the reins once again. 

“Wait, Esther,” Reiner interrupted as she was about to inhale a deep, self-encouraging breath. “Your stirrups are a little high.” 

He dismounted his horse, and grabbed the belts to adjust the length. 

She frowned as she watched him work. The length was what she was used to, what she believed to be correct for the placement of her feet. The correction he made on the right stirrup didn’t feel natural, her leg felt too limp. 

Still, she put her trust in him and let him meddle with the belts. 

In mere seconds, Reiner’s movements seemed to slow down. 

She blinked, a sudden wave of disorientation hit her. Her mind seemed to gain the unwelcome, uninvited feeling back. The mist that couldn’t be identified. The creeping ache that traveled from her temple to the back of her head. It made her look away from him, made her focus on the horizon in need of some clarity. 

“You good?” Reiner asked, pausing to stare at her short intake of breaths. 

“Yeah.” She answered quickly. Too quickly. A pressure was on her scalp. She hated that it was a familiar discomfort. Familiar, but despised, nonetheless.

She shouldn’t have braided her hair. The tight patterns must’ve been the culprit. 

She was aware of the eyes on her, inspecting ones of Bertholdt and Reiner, and concerned ones of Eren. Her breathing pattern was irregular. She couldn’t ignore the ache like she’d been doing for the past three years, it was becoming too much. The look in her eyes was alarmed.

Reiner lifted a hand, possibly with the intention of laying a comforting touch on her own clenched fist. Maybe it was to bring her back down to earth. It didn’t matter. The moment his warm skin touched hers, a splitting headache rushed through her brain, mercilessly pushing against her skull and almost tearing her mind apart. 

She felt her thoughts scattering, she almost watched them turn into dust right before her eyes. She felt the consistent voice in her head scream in protest, and her body jerked as a response; her head being shoved aside by an invisible force, by her own helpless reflex with the hopes of escaping from the sharp clutches of pain. 

Reiner’s hand instinctively grabbed her wrist.

A yelp was sounded, Esther couldn’t figure out if it was her own.

Eren dismounted his horse in haste, standing on the other side of her in seconds. His eyes were wide with concern.

“What is it?” He asked in a sense of panic, unsure of what to do. Esther was in no state to respond, she kicked her feet and almost hit him square in the jaw with the stirrup. “Reiner, what’s happening!?”

His voice rang in her ears. There was tension on her forehead, on top of her head, almost pushing against her nape. It made her nose hurt, made her eyes burn, and it frightened her to no end as it threatened to snap. She felt hot, she felt unable to think as her environment shifted before her eyes, filled with black dots. A scene that didn’t belong to her was blurry as it attempted to form into a coherent narrative, but failed miserably.

The silver horse beneath her whinnied in discomfort, moving around to dissipate the uninvited attention and the wave of panic, not to mention his trashing rider. 

Reiner released Esther, and grabbed the horse’s bridle in an attempt to calm him.

“I- I need to-“ Esther let go of the reins, unable to think properly as she tried to free her feet from the stirrups. 

The sharp pain seemed to suddenly dissipate a little, leaving without informing her about its origins or reasons. Still, the effects it left on her were hard to get rid of, and she couldn’t find comfort in its departure. Tears gathered at the corner of her eyes, and her hands trembled as she tried to push herself down. 

Her breathing was irregular and shaky, and if it wasn’t for the hands grabbing her waist, she’d have fallen straight into the dirt beneath the horse’s hooves. 

Eren helped her get down, eyes frantically searching her distressed face. Her pained eyes were clueless, helpless, as she tried to guide her way around the horse. It was instinctive, her attempts to find safety when her mind was in shambles. 

Was she crying? Was her chest heaving? She couldn’t tell. Why did she feel like she hit a cold, hard stone wall just now? What was this feeling that made her believe that she should be lying down, having a concussion as her body tried to heal itself?

“Eren, help her back to the barracks. I’ll handle the horses.” Reiner instructed. Unlike Eren and Esther, he appeared composed. 

Eren did not object. 

One hand grabbed her forearm, supporting her, while his hold on her waist guided her towards the stables. He didn’t catch the silent exchange between Reiner and Bertholdt, didn’t have the time to decide if their gazes were worried or not. He focused on pulling Esther away from the leather and hay filled stalls, and he watched her try to take what she believed to be deep breaths. She was overwhelmed. 

“You’ll be alright,” He attempted to comfort her. Blood was leaking from one of her nostrils, sliding towards her upper lip. It gathered on her cupid’s bow, weak but alarming nonetheless. She wasn’t alright. “I’m taking you to the infirmary.”

Esther wetted her suddenly dry lips, and managed to shake her head in protest at his declaration. The taste of iron was at the tip of her tongue. 

They exited the doors of the stables, fresh air greeting them once again, and Esther slowed down her steps.

“I need to… need to sit.” She forced herself to whisper, reaching her free hand out and pointing at the exterior of the stables. 

Eren hesitated, pausing on the spot and glancing at the way towards the plaza. 

“Please.” Esther attempted to take a step towards the wall, an inviting shade right beneath the roof. 

Eren caved in, eventually. A simple look at her exhausted face was enough for him to help her sit down against the wall. 

She huffed, and she groaned, raising a hand to grab the roots of her hair. Her fingers tangled with her braid, her elbow resting on her bent knee, her eyes closed. A faint frown was on her face, the blood already drying on her philtrum. 

Eren sat down next to her, keeping his eyes on her profile. 

Soon enough, her breathing started to slow down. Her heartbeat found its usual rhythm, and her frown disappeared. When her eyelids were lifted to reveal her glossy eyes, Eren’s relentless worry dissipated a little.

He rested his head against the wall, looking away and releasing a deep sigh.

“You really didn’t want to try that obstacle course, huh?” He joked, voice wavering a little. It was the legacy of the panicked state she put him through. 

His sarcasm was an attempt to make her feel better, and she managed to force a faint smile for his effort.

“H-How could I? I can’t possibly hold a candle to your skills.” 

Eren let out a short breath of air that was meant to be a snort, and nudged her boot with his. He wanted to tell her that she was being stupid, that she was more skilled than the majority of their classmates; that she was such an idiot for always making him worry about her.

“Shut up.” He conciliated instead, not quite knowing if it was directed at her or at his own thoughts, but she listened. 

They sat in silence for a short blissful moment, no more pain and no more buzzing in the ears. The unexplainable feeling was gone, just like that. And with the sun above as her witness and the breeze in her hair as her companion, she wondered if it was because she lost herself. Because she was left alone beneath the earth, deprived of things she was so used to, abandoned and put through an endless fever and a murder; and she lost herself along the path. 

“How do you feel?” Eren asked after a while, turning his head towards her. Her eyes were closed again, head leaned back, and lips parted as she drowned in the sudden wave of exhaustion.

“I’m okay. I don’t feel like my head will split open anymore.” Esther managed to mumble a response back, and heard him shift his position.

She lifted her eyelids ever so slightly to catch a glimpse of him. He was now sitting cross-legged by her side, facing her with a reassuring look in his eyes. 

“It happens to me sometimes, after my nightmares. I told you about it, remember? But they’re not as frequent anymore, it passes. Don’t worry.” Eren tried to smile, tried to ease her mind. He wanted the bloodstain on her face gone, wanted the dried tears at the corners of her eyes gone.

“It must be grief.” Esther said then, and Eren’s faint smile dimmed. 

“Grief?”

“Yes. We’re just grieving the people we don’t have by our side anymore.” 

We’re grieving until it physically hurts, she didn’t have the energy to add.

The breeze touched Esther’s disheveled hair, her braids slightly loose from where she grabbed her roots. Eren watched the sway of them, and Eren closed his fingers into a fist; helplessly pressing them against his knees. 

“In a few months, you will have them back. The people you love, I mean. Then you won’t have to grieve anymore.” Eren consoled her, tried to make her believe. 

He would never have it again; he’d never have his mother back again. He didn’t have a home to go back to, it was in ruins. He didn’t know where his father was, he didn’t even know where to look for him. For all he knew, he could’ve gotten caught up in the slaughter before he even made it out of Maria. He could’ve died in their hometown, and Eren would never know.

But Esther wasn’t like him. Her family were soldiers, strong people with an unyielding will to survive and to be free. 

He wanted to reassure her, and he wanted to help her if it meant that she could have the very thing that he would never be able to find again, no matter how much he yearned for it. He wanted her to have it for him.

“Thank you, Eren.” Esther said, a smile touching her lips. 

“Stop saying that.” Eren demanded, not with a scoff, but with a plea to make her see that he wasn’t doing nearly enough to receive her gratitude

Esther’s smile widened ever so slightly, and she lowered her eyelids. 

Eren waited by her side until she was ready to leave.

Chapter Text

The windows in Instructor Shadis’ office were so high that the sunlight was able to reach every inch of the spacious room with ease.

Esther sat on the chair that faced his desk, clean and organised. The bookshelf that her nervous eyes kept glancing at displayed the thickest books she’d ever seen, all coded by author names. A detailed map of the Walls behind the desk where Shadis sat, and not much else to look at. The door behind Esther was inviting, and her twitching hands wanted to push herself from the chair, her tapping feet wanted to carry her out, because she was having trouble understanding the whole point of being called to the head instructor’s office.

“Obedient and goal oriented. Significant improvement in teamwork over the years. Excellent agility and dexterity in vertical manoeuvring. Riding, not so much. Quick to learn and adapt. Exceptional academic success, but no leadership skills whatsoever. Low immune system in addition, you’ve visited the hospital wing quite a few times.” Shadis read the report in his hand. It was picked from the pile of many others right before her eyes, and the brief sight of her name induced panic in her brain only a short minute ago.

“You’re lucky you don’t get graded on your remarkable aptitude to catch cold.” He added, lowering the paper. 

Esther averted her eyes without meaning to. She looked out of the window with a gulp, wishing nothing but to throw herself out. 

It was the day of graduation, only a few hours were left before she’d leave the cadet title behind, and own the new one of a recruit soon after that.

The pillow she laid her head on had been hardened by agitation for the past few weeks, and she could barely get a shuteye last night. She’d been tossing and turning endlessly, getting her legs tangled in the sheets quite a few times.

The full moon was out as the torches of the barracks provided both illumination and warmth. Clouds were out, and the area beyond the fire’s reach was the plaza’s penumbra; trees and branches of all shapes paving the path to a hard to see night. 

The night before graduation, and the time couldn’t tick any slower. It was no different than being in Shadis’ office without having a clue about what was going on.

Esther writhed in her bed every 5 seconds, kicked her feet and huffed in irritation because she just couldn’t sleep. The feeling was similar to how she felt back on Elsa’s couch three years ago. She felt like she was staring at the crumbling ceiling and waiting for the morning to come so she could see the sunlight, breathe in the fresh air of summer for the first time ever.

However, this was different. 

Her stomach was putting her through a nightmare, she’d never felt this nervous before. She couldn’t remember a single time where she felt like the suspense and excitement was too much for her heart and soul to bear. The past six years of her life without the lost faces she’d been searching for felt like it would never end. She dreamt and she hoped, and she thought she’d be stuck in that cycle forever. 

And now that it was coming to an end, she didn’t know what to feel, so she felt everything all at once. Her chest bursted with feelings that she couldn’t even begin to name for the blurry future. She would graduate in a few hours, and she would come to a closure with all of her doubts, fears and questions. That always had been her plan, and beyond that point was an endless void of possibilities, a blank page waiting to be coloured in ink.

She rolled on her side with a huff, her eyes wide open as sleep seemed to abandon her a long time ago. She felt a kick beneath her, an unexpected impact that rattled the hinges of the bunk.

“Stop that.” Annie’s disgruntled demand suppressed her gasp, and she muttered a quiet apology. 

For the rest of the night, she tried to keep her restless mind silent. It was difficult, but she tried her best nonetheless. 

Nostalgia had come to be her close companion along the years, and it felt natural for her to accept it into her life. That was how she grew up to be. Her memories past and her dreams to come learned to live together somehow. So, by the nature of her being, she spared the night for the memories she made on these very grounds, knowing she’d miss them soon enough. 

Young faces that had been carved into her mind paid her farewell, faces that she would most likely never get to see again. There had been an abundance of dried lavender petals that got lost in time on her and Annie’s bedside table, one by one, and she remembered them fondly.

She thought of the harsh snow on her skin, deceptively soft looking, and all the cushions her blades cut. The afternoons spent on maintenance duty, and nights below the stars by the bench outside. People she had the privilege to call friends, and dreams and snacks shared beneath the swaying branches. 

Esther turned to face the wall, as gently as she possibly could, and tucked her hand under the pillow. She wondered how Eren was feeling right in that very moment. She thought of him, his excited face that he’d tried so hard to mask as neutrality during dinner, because it was so natural for her mind to drift off to the memory and possibility of him. 

Her mind conjured up an image of him staring at the ceiling like she’d been doing. He was most likely having his own version of a sleepless night just a short distance away from her, walking down his own memory lane, and replacing them with his timeless dreams as his fingers twitched around his blanket in anticipation. 

Her present was ever changing, but she’d like to believe that Eren would stay as the one constancy in her life. She’d like to believe that she’d have him for years to come; join the Survey Corps with him, see the world with him, climb the mountain of impossibilities and make all of their dreams come true; just to witness the glint in each other’s eyes.

She’d like to believe that even if Captain Levi turned out to be her worst nightmares, she’d still get to have Eren. If she could keep seeing him, tell him what she was expecting from the future and listen to his immeasurably beautiful plans in return, then maybe she would be able to find the definition of enough somewhere in his reassuring voice. She would foolishly trick herself into believing that she’d never lose the comfort of a routine conversation under the stars, that they’d stay this young and ambitious forever, and somewhat happy.

She curled into a ball, wrapping her arms around her legs and tucking her chin to her chest. For some reason, when her mind drifted to him, she found herself content. Rid of her loud mind and anxious stomach to some degree, and she found herself winning her battle against sleeplessness.

So Esther did it again. She stared at the window and believed that he was waiting for her outside, ready to ask endless questions about her abrupt invitation to Shadis’ office. 

She couldn’t even finish her breakfast. She even picked the best seat by the window at the mess hall. Her eyes were burning from lack of sufficient sleep, and her jaw kept stretching with a never ending yawn. The food on her tray was untouched, and she had a feeling that Sasha would have a field day when she’d walk into the hall. 

In truth, Esther wouldn’t be able to keep the food down from anticipation anyway, but it was still irritating that she was ripped away from it.

“Have I done something wrong, sir?” She found the courage to ask at last, but making eye contact was still a work in progress. 

Her gaze shuttled between his desk, the report on her, his bookshelf, the patch on his chest even; but never his intimidatingly attentive eyes.

“I’m afraid you have.” He answered, and even the hair on her nape froze. 

She looked up by accident, an involuntary reflex that put her on the spot, and the frown on his face failed to comfort her. 

“W-What do you mean?” She tried so hard to keep her voice from shaking, but all of her efforts were in vain.

Shadis raised the paper again, right up to his face, and she found solace in being hidden from his eyes for a short moment.

“Place of residence: Ehrmich District, Wall Sina.” He read out loud, and her irregular breathing came to a halt. 

Her widened eyes couldn’t keep a secret even if they tried, and she was as sure as her name was Esther that her face was flushed red. 

She already knew where this was going. She knew, because she’d told Sasha, and Sasha had told Connie. Reiner had heard them because they were talking outside, which meant that others must’ve heard as well. 

It didn’t matter that Sasha came running to her afterwards, apologies falling from her lips in a jumbled mess. It didn’t matter that Esther was regretting her choices, because if Shadis knew, it was already over for her.

“Is this correct?” He asked, putting the report down on the desk, not to be picked up again.

What was she supposed to say to that? Lie? He’d see right through her, and lying would put her in a worse position than she was already in. Nothing good came from hiding the truth anyway, not to her experience.

This didn’t make sense, none of it. And it wasn’t fair, because she was supposed to graduate today. She was supposed to be having breakfast right now. She was supposed to listen to Eren go on and on about finally having the right to join the Scouts. Jean was supposed to oppose him, praise the Military Police and give her a headache. This wasn’t supposed to happen, not now. Not when she was so close to the end. 

She lowered her gaze and sent her fidgeting fingers a sad look. It was almost a sign of resignation.

“No, it isn’t, sir.” She answered truthfully, guilty and embarrassed. Afraid and anxious. 

“And why did you give false information, cadet?” He tapped a patient finger, marking the surface of his polished desk. 

“Because I was afraid of being sent back for not having a residency.” Her answer was half of the hidden truth. 

She was afraid of being sent back, but she was also afraid of being labelled as a criminal. A murderer. Her hands weren’t clean, and maybe no one knew about that yet, but she could still see the blood dripping from her fingers, marking the creases of her palm. It was there, right where she’d grab her knife, on her clothes, lurking in the tears she’d shed. 

She looked up, blinking to clear her vision. Shadis was still sitting without blinking across from her, and his stare was unforgiving. She was sure that she’d be sent back, if not jailed, for misinforming the military. Eren was wrong, because they had the right to kick her out of the Corps if they wanted to, and no one could object to their superiors’ decision.

“Cadets can enlist even from the Underground City. Accepted soldiers live in assigned headquarters and gain residency by default,” He explained, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the desk. Hands intertwined; he searched her face. “Our strongest soldier is from the Underground City. Buying a visitor ticket just to enlist from somewhere else is an absurd idea.” 

The sun was so bright that she could see the rays breaking through the window, illuminating each and every speck of dust flying before her eyes. And her eyes were unmoving, carelessly staring back at Instructor Shadis like she wasn’t the one trying to hide from him just a moment ago. 

The heat suddenly got a little unbearable, and she couldn’t be sure if she was breathing or not. Her hands stopped fidgeting, and instead grabbed the fabric of her pants so tightly that her short nails dug into her skin. 

Shadis must’ve noticed the clenching of her jaw, because the look on his face was purposeful, just like the words he carefully picked.

“What does that mean?” She asked, feeling a burn in her enlarged nostrils. Her voice almost trembled, and her frown couldn’t hide the vulnerability in her expression. Even Shadis leaned back to dissipate the imposition. 

“It means your information will be corrected before you graduate today. This meeting is just to inform you that you don’t have a say on that matter.” He explained, and Esther believed this all too good to be true. 

“I won’t be punished? Or sent back?” She found the strength to ask, fingers grazing the side seams of her pants. Her heart was beating so fast, so loud. She could hear it, feel it kick the walls inside of her chest.

“No. Thank your grades for that.” His words comforted her, but she believed them to be a lie. 

It was true that she couldn’t think straight at the moment, not after a few certain words that left his mouth, but she saw his answer as an unmotivated favour. She believed he’d handle her paperwork silently, and she couldn’t understand why. 

Not that it mattered, because it was better to accept it than to ask more questions, eventually digging a hole for herself to spend the rest of her days in. Instead, she let out a shaky breath and gave him a respectful nod.

“Thank you, sir.”

I’m sorry I lied, she wanted to add, but her tongue was getting heavy, and her throat was itching to release a stuttering breath of relief.

She didn’t know at the time why he inadvertently helped her, and she didn’t know if he was aware of her motivations. He couldn’t have known, but a possibility was stored at the back of her mind for consideration.

Esther left his desk with a salute, her fist weak and unstable, but he surprisingly didn’t comment on it. 

She walked out of his room with wobbly legs that couldn’t carry the weight of her thoughts and emotions. Her hand helped her guide her way through the corridor, gaining support from the wall as she headed towards the building’s exit. 

The warm air felt like a fresh breath that she was taking in for the first time. The weak breeze pushed her loose strands back, and she collapsed against the wall by the exit. 

The brick wall dug into her back as she pulled her knees closer, her arms stuck in between. Her hands were covering her face, and hiding the tears that couldn’t be held in anymore. A sniff left her nose, followed by a sob that caused her lips to tremble.

“I found you.” She cried into her palm, talking to no one, but feeling the urgent need to say those words out loud nonetheless.

Because she found him. 

Their strongest soldier was from the Underground City, and there was no one but the famous Captain Levi who fit the criteria. It couldn’t be a stranger, that would be too cruel of a coincidence. It was her Levi, she was sure of it. 

She shed a few tears in broad daylight; releasing the built up pain and suffering, countless hours of crying, training, and giving herself headaches with all the dreams and unanswered questions in one single drop of water from the corner of her eye. 

And when her lips parted, she finally released that long breath of air filled with warm relief, because she was only a graduation and another enlistment away from her family. 

“Esther!” A voice boomed, and hasty footsteps followed. 

She didn’t have time to react before a shadow fell over her, blocking the light from reaching her through the gaps between her fingers. 

She didn’t have time to wipe her tears, to suppress her sobs and to stand up. Her composure was out of the window, and her hands were torn away from her face in an instant. 

She came face to face with Eren’s wide eyes, worried and confused as he held her wrists in his solid grasp, preventing her from hiding her vulnerable face. 

“What the hell happened?” He asked, appearing blurry through her tears. 

Another figure crouched down beside her, and her eyes were able to pick the colour red. 

“What did he say to you?” Mikasa asked right after, voice firm and demanding. 

Esther looked at them with surprise, her crying coming to an unexpected pause as she searched her dictionary for something to say. In her moment of an emotional state, she found the spirit to deem their concern heart warming. 

Another tear rolled down her cheek, and she relaxed her hands. It wasn’t enough for Eren to let go.

“Nothing,” She murmured, voice suddenly husky. It wasn’t nothing. “He found out about my origins. He said I won’t be sent back, and that I’ll gain residency as a soldier.” 

Eren and Mikasa glanced at each other, worry slowly abandoning their eyes. A narrow and a wide pair, focused on her once again. 

“That’s all?” Mikasa asked.

Esther tapped her fingers on her knees where her wrists were pressed against. Noticing the movement, Eren retracted his hands as if he only now came to the realisation of his hold on her.

“He said that our strongest soldier is from the Underground City.” She whispered. 

Her voice broke before she reached the end, and the words caused her face to form into an involuntarily distorted expression. She raised her hands once again to hide her tears. Eren didn’t stop her this time. 

A moment of silence engulfed the three of them as they witnessed the release of her pent up feelings. All of her doubts and fears, abandoning her body in the form of immense solace. 

“That’s a good thing. Why are you crying?” Mikasa asked, leaning forward with her hands resting on her folded legs. 

“They’re called happy tears,” Eren scoffed at her. “How would you know? You don’t even smile.” 

Mikasa gave him a side eyed glare.

“I smile plenty.” She retorted, helping an unconscious grin to stretch Esther’s lips even through her tears. 

“Yeah, right,” Eren mumbled, rolling his eyes as he stood up. He held out a hand, and Esther stared at it with her fingertips pausing below her eyes. “Come on, you can celebrate later. Armin is guarding your breakfast from Sasha.”

Esther felt like crying a little more, she felt like tears would flow no matter what he said to her, and no amount of tissues would be enough to prevent a flood. 

But still, she was able to find the strength to break her gaze from where the sun hit the side of his face, one of his irises appearing warmer and clearer as a result, and she grabbed his hand. The sight of the breeze in his hair was pushed somewhere at the back of her mind, shelved to tug at her heart some other time. 

༻✿༺

When noon came to pass, and still hours to spare before the graduation ceremony, Esther found herself tailing Annie as she made her way back to the barracks. 

“If you’re planning on killing time with me, you’ll be disappointed.” She said over her shoulder.

Esther kept her pace, hands clasped behind her back, and her head high in the clouds. She thought daydreaming would be a far concept once she achieved what she’d been chasing after for years, but she couldn’t be any more wrong. 

She was still dreaming, thinking of ways to introduce herself to Levi again. He was a Captain now, how was she supposed to approach him? Were Isabel and Furlan high ranking soldiers too? She couldn’t imagine Isabel ordering what she used to mockingly call a civil servant around, she must’ve been having a blast.

But the most important question of all, what would they think of her now? Would they be happy and proud? She feared to see unfamiliarity in their eyes, a mist all over their faces that wouldn’t let recognition show through.

Her steps suddenly came to a halt when her body collided with Annie’s back, and she gladly buried her worst fears deep down. Again, because otherwise she’d end up with more doubts and no solutions to not being remembered anymore; all of her existence erased from their memories like she was never a part of them. Even the mere thought of it made her shiver.

“What’s up with you?” Annie raised a brow, her eyes shifting as she searched Esther’s face.

“Sorry, I’m just thinking of what to say when I see them.” She mumbled, looking down at her boots. The troubled look on her face was in a strange harmony with excitement; a glint of curiosity with lack of patience for what was about to come.

“What’s the point of that? You won’t know until you see them, and that’s still a big if.” Annie turned back around with a sigh, not quite interested in what’d been bothering Esther. She was used to it already, the replies she always gave her became muscle memory at one point.

“Actually, Shadis called me into his office this morning. He found out about my lie, and told me that our strongest soldier is from the Underground. You know what that means, right? It really is him!“ Esther’s steps quickened, and the volume of her voice was raised an octave. All unconsciously, of course, and the elation of the thought made her miss Annie’s side-eyed glance. 

“I see,” She murmured, not quite sharing Esther’s glee. “Survey Corps is guaranteed for you, then.”

“I would still choose to join the Scouts even if there was a possibility of them not being there, but yes. It’s guaranteed now.” 

She would join, because a glimpse of hope was what she’d been following for years. She would never be able to let go of that friction of a chance to reunite with them. 

And she would join, because Eren somehow managed to turn into a force no different than her scattered dreams forging back together, and she wouldn’t know what to do with the choices she got if she didn’t use them to follow him wherever he wished to lead her.

It was simple, really. There was only one path forward for her, and she had nowhere else to go but the outside world beyond the walls. There was an unexplainable pull that she didn’t even care to fight.

“I understand.” Annie stared ahead; her eyes glazed over as if an invisible memory was passing by. “When something must be done, it must be done. No matter what.”

Esther felt like she would’ve stared at her with nothing but dumb cluelessness if she were to say that to her a few years ago. Today, however, she was able to make sense of it. Every step she took, every ledge she climbed, fell back down and climbed up again, brought her here; to the point of no return, and the point of relief. To the edge of happiness that was almost in her grasp, and to her place beneath the endless sky with fresh grass under her boots. She was only able to achieve such a thing by sheer will and determination, eagerness to do what must be done. 

“Yeah,” Esther agreed with a sigh, and Annie seemed content to receive her concurrence. 

“What are you going to say to them, then?” She asked when the barracks came into view. 

“I’ll know when I see them.” Esther used Annie’s own words against her with a grin she failed to suppress, receiving nothing but an amused hum. That was more than enough. 

The dormitory was almost full to the brink. Everyone, who had nothing else to do but to wait, apparently escaped indoors; aimlessly laying around with lazy conversations and sharing thoughts on which regiment to pick. It wasn’t surprising to hear the lack of Survey Corps’ mention. 

Some of the girls were packing away already, and the sight caused something in Esther’s stomach to stir. It felt like agitation, the reality of leaving this place to never come back again had been hitting her in waves throughout the day. 

She followed Annie to their bunk, her pot of jasmines welcoming them. They were basking in the warmth of the bright sunlight by the window, a stem of lavender sitting beside it on the bedside table. She inhaled the fresh scent, and exhaled a sigh. 

Esther seemed to realise it just now. Or rather, the reality of their near future was suddenly rendered too clear for her to keep turning a blind eye. 

Annie wanted to join the Military Police. Not because she was a corrupted parasite to be avoided like them, but because she wanted to stay alive. Her motivation to live was fuelled by something else, unlike the pulsing source that waited for Esther in another regiment. 

“Hey, Annie,” Esther sat down next to her on the lower bunk. Annie didn’t complain, it was something they easily got over the first time Esther invaded her personal space months ago. It felt like a natural manner at the time, to put her head on Annie’s pillow as she tied her blonde hair, and tell her about the unpleasant riding experiences she was put through. “Do you think we’ll see each other again?” 

Annie rested her head against the wall, one leg propped up and pulled against her chest, exhaustion leaking through her closed eyelids.

“Who knows? If you don’t die out there, then maybe we will.” She answered, and it left a bad taste in Esther’s mouth. 

“I won’t die. Eren says we’re strong enough to take the titans down.” She replied confidently, but Annie wasn’t fazed by it.

“I’m sure every soldier who’s ever died said the same thing once in their lives. Plus, it’s not always about strength. You might be asked to lay down your life for the sake of others. You won’t be given a choice. You understand that, don’t you?” 

Esther didn’t quite understand, because there never existed a time where she faced a titan, stood before one with broken blades in her hands. She’d like to believe that she’d never have to sacrifice her own life for someone else, even if she was to be a soldier. 

On the other hand, if someone she deeply cared for was in grave danger, she’d also like to trust herself to be brave enough to give her life up, to let them live on for her. She’d like to believe that it’d be the easiest choice she’ll ever have to make.

But even then, her understanding of Annie’s implications was limited.

“I won’t die.” Esther said as a response, stubborn as ever. 

Annie must’ve expected a similar answer, not a single muscle on her face twitched as a reaction.

“That’s naive. Even for you.” She commented.

Esther looked down at her hands, a displeased frown on her face. Why was Annie saying these things to her? And why now? She was ready to become a Scout, she’d been ready even before she enlisted in the Cadet Corps. The mention of death and sacrifice made her throat dry. 

She stood up from Annie’s bed, and climbed up to her own personal space. Her steps were heavy and intentionally loud on the ladder, and if Annie thought she was being childish, too bad.

Esther laid on her back with a huff, eyes on the ceiling and hair sprawled over her pillow. It didn’t matter that Annie mentioned the imminent danger of being a Scout. Maybe she didn’t quite understand the concept of offering one’s life up, but she most likely already gave up half of her lifetime by simply deciding to join the Survey Corps. In the end, she already sacrificed a lot, and all for faces she was only able to see in her memories. 

After all, this wasn’t about gruesome aspects of becoming a soldier. This was about dreams bigger than the sky, more beautiful than a blooming flower, and more important than life and death.

༻✿༺

Time passed a little slower, the long day died a slow death, and the sun took its sweet time going to sleep. When torches were lit by the entrance of the stage that was set up the day prior, Esther all but jumped from where she was crouched down, waiting only a short distance away from Sasha and Mina; who’d been muttering excitedly among themselves.

Moonlight and the torches helped her guide her way into the spacious area, taking her place amongst the rest of the cadets. 

The crowd slowly began to turn into organised sections, the sound of footsteps gradually died down, and hands that were intertwined behind each cadet’s back turned stiff over time. 

In a moment’s time, Sasha and Mina’s barely comprehensible excitement was suddenly nowhere to be found. The casual chatter that had always been a part of the mess hall now seemed to abandon the ceremony, only to be replaced by occasional whispers among some pairs.

All of the instructors that she ever learned from, got scolded at and praised by were present on the stage, gathered at the back for the disbanding.

When everyone took their places, and Esther was subjected to stand on a spot where she couldn’t see much due to her height, a throat was cleared to gain everyone’s attention. The Chief Instructor stepped forward, his stance firm and confident with legs hip-distance apart. 

“Five years have passed since the fall of Wall Maria,” He started with a grim, serious tone. “Mankind’s largest territory was wiped out within hours, and thousands of lives were lost. Wall Rose, within which we stand right this moment, is the last line of defence against the threat posed by the titans. If Wall Rose falls, Wall Sina’s destruction is imminent. There is no guarantee that the Colossal Titan won’t tear down the wall to attack us as we speak. When that happens, your duty as soldiers will be to sacrifice your lives for humanity.” 

There it was again. Sacrificing lives. Humanity. Mankind. 

Esther’s eyes burned a hole through the crest at the back of the boy’s jacket, who’d been standing before her, and her fist rose up to join the unanimous salute. It was a way for the soon-to-be soldiers to show their obeisance to the indirect command, and Esther felt the ferocious beat of her heart beneath her fist in doing so.

She didn’t like the talk of death, no matter how many times she’d heard it over the past three years. Annie’s honest warnings didn’t matter, nor did Jean’s taunts. She didn’t quite understand dying for humanity either, even though she would never admit it when Eren was nearby, but it was the truth nonetheless.

She wasn’t about to join the military for their honourable heroism and ideals. Her idea of freedom, no matter how similar, was still different than theirs. Therefore, dying for someone else’s freedom was a concept she couldn’t quite grasp. 

Her fist wavered as she lowered it with the rest.

“Today, you have completed your military training. I will now announce those who have successfully made it into the top ten with satisfactory results. Step forward at the mention of your name!” He continued, grabbing the paper that was handed to him; the list that contained the best names among their ranks.

“Mikasa Ackerman,” The Chief Instructor announced as those who prayed for a spot in the Military Police held their breaths.

The cheerful encouragement of applause was absent as Mikasa stepped forward to take her place. Graduating at the top of the class wasn’t an easy feat, no matter how skilful and reliable Mikasa was, and the spots before the rest of the cadets were bound to make their occupants feel proud of their achievements, but celebrating it with cheers and claps were still far from plausible. 

After all, those were the spots that called the children who went through challenging hardships to become a hardened soldier, and those were the spots that condemned the rest of the cadets to a life fighting outside of the walls, or to a life that’d be wasted away with gambling and drinking, as Eren would complain.

“Reiner Braun,” He called next.

Esther, with her eyes staring down in concentration as she listened to the names being called, silently wondered if she would hear her own. 

Bertholdt Hoover.

She wondered if the report that Shadis briefly went through in his office was anything to go by, if the grades she worked so hard to achieve would place her among the best of her class, if the suffocating feeling of sweat on her warm skin would be enough to make her feel proud of herself; make Levi proud of her for once in his life.

Annie Leonhart.

Eren Jaeger.

Esther blinked, her thoughts scattering away, and she perked up after Annie’s name. The call for Eren right after Annie’s almost made her stand on her tiptoes; eager to search the field to witness their reaction. 

She had no doubt that Annie was as uncaring as the flaming torches as they carried on with their gentle sway, but Eren must’ve looked proud. He must’ve tried to hide a smile at the mention of his name; tried to keep his tense shoulders from relaxing, from dropping in ease.

He was hardworking, and confident often times, but there had been some unfortunate occasions where he doubted himself. His head would hang lower than usual, and his eyebrows would curve into an unsure, sad expression. Esther never not disliked the mirrored image of dejection in his eyes, and she would never stop her endless attempts to make them go away, because she loved basking in the way his eventual determination would put her own mind in a peaceful place. 

She wanted to find him in the crowd, to catch his eyes, to see the pride on his face, to walk up to him and tell him, ‘See? I told you.’

She wanted him to realise his own potential instead of believing the lack thereof, because she’d been through that cursed scenario before. She wished to feel the same prideful relief he must’ve felt the moment his name echoed through the vast space.

“Esther.” The Chief Instructor’s voice interrupted her train of thoughts, and her pupils dilated at the call of her name. 

She stared at the stage over the shoulder of the tall boy standing in front of her, lips parted and eyes widened. 

Me? A distant voice in her head asked, doubtful. You, Esther?

No matter how hard she trained, no matter the bruises her body belt left on her skin, she was hesitant to take her first step. Despite wanting Eren to believe in himself, she sure was having trouble listening to her own advice.

The faces were blurred out as she walked past the division, and she barely heard Jean’s name being called out after hers.

Esther took her place next to Eren. She put her hands behind her back as she’d been taught, and tried to clasp her limp fingers together. 

Her head moved on its own to look at Eren, slowly and steadily, as Jean’s shadow found its place on her right. Marco’s name echoed in her ears, and her eyes met with a pair of teal coloured eyes. 

He was standing tall, proud and determined. His shoulders were pulled back, and he was displaying a tenacious frown, but a smile was slowly breaking through the cracks. He had difficulty containing it when Esther mouthed him, Me? and his eyebrows relaxed in response.

He gave her a subtle nod, a sign of reassurance. 

Her initial shock wore off the more he smiled at her, and she heard Connie’s name clearer. She turned back to the stage with an uncontrollable grin forming on her face. 

When Sasha’s name was called for the last spot, she was biting down on her bottom lip to contain herself. 

She was sixth. She worked her way into the best graduates of her year, and she did it all by herself. 

Something was fluttering in her belly, and her heart was so full of joy that she couldn’t even feel it beat anymore. The presence of all the cadets behind her felt like a wide, tall shadow looming over her shoulders, reminding her of the path she marked with blood and tears, but she didn’t turn around to look.

She wanted to close her eyes, to lean her head back and face the sky, to release a deep, deep breath.

She wanted to run out of this place, find Levi, stare him in the eye and tell him that she wasn’t useless anymore, that she was among the best in her class, that she was capable and strong. She wanted him to know that he didn’t have to leave her behind anymore. 

The Chief Instructor congratulated the ten members that stood before him, and introduced the cadets to the three options they were presented with. Esther didn’t need to hear the briefing about the Stationary Troops, and she had no attention to spare for the Military Police. However, her fingers twitched the moment he mentioned the Survey Corps, and she saw Eren straighten up from her peripheral vision. 

“Tomorrow, you will apply for the regiment of your choice. And this night marks the end of the 104th Cadet Corps. Disbanded!” 

Their last salute as cadets were given that night, followed by a unanimous Sir! 

The moment the instructors turned around, Eren’s elbow bumped into her arm.

“We made it.” He grinned at her, all smug and proud. Those times where he was ready to curl up on the floor after each failure were forgotten, thrown into the fire of the torches and Esther had no intention to bring them back to life from their ashes.

She hummed in glee as she rubbed her arm.

“Of course we did. I told you we would!” 

“Yeah, yeah. You didn’t even believe it yourself when he called your name. You could barely close your mouth.” Eren scoffed, mocking the legacy of her widened eyes and parted lips. 

“It’s because I was shocked that they ranked you above me!” She gave his shoulder a playful push, and walked past him in pretend offence. 

He followed her with a hardly contained chuckle, and even the roll of her eyes couldn’t cover up her defiant smile. 

Esther made her way over to Mikasa. She wasn’t surprised that Annie was already gone from the formation, most likely on her way out of the field. 

No matter, she’d congratulate her later that night.

Esther, stopping by Mikasa, praised the top graduate of their year, and watched her give a bashful thank you in return; refraining from flaunting her unmatched skills which earned her the first spot.

Soon after, Armin ran up to them with a wide smile on his face. He congratulated them, and offered his genuine support even though he wasn’t able to stand beside them. 

On their way back to the barracks to get changed for dinner, Esther wondered if she’d get to see Armin in the Survey Corps as well. She wondered if Mikasa would still follow Eren even if he was adamant about leaving the safety of the walls. 

Esther never asked them before, never felt the need to, and despite Mikasa’s unfruitful attempts to make Eren change his mind about leaving the walls, Esther just couldn’t see her wasting her potential with the Military Police, and she couldn’t imagine Armin joining the Garrison either. According to Eren, they should’ve been called a squad of drunken wall-builders instead of stationary troops, and Armin was as smart as Mikasa was strong to drink his life away so carelessly.

Esther’s footsteps slowed down as she followed the three of them away from the stage. Her eyes traced the outline of their hair, touched by the warm glow of the torches, and she wondered for how long she’d get to keep them in her life.

It was all Annie’s doing. She planted the idea of death in her head so nonchalantly, and on the day of graduation at that. 

Armin wanted to see the sea, there was no way he would let his lack of physical strength get in his way. Mikasa would never let them go to their deaths, not if she had anything to say about it. And there wasn’t a single soul on earth that could sway Eren’s mind, keep him caged up behind the looming walls.

Esther wanted him safe, wanted all of them safe. She wanted to be safe herself. She couldn’t understand why she was so afraid all of a sudden, so hesitant, but she’d always been a little fearful of the unknown; anxious to leave her comfort behind just to be thrown into an endless darkness of the new, of the unexplored, of the future.

Her old nightmare, her unwanted friend, was rising from its grave, smiling at her eerily, and it was expecting her to smile back at it. 

What an obstacle she found herself facing, right at the end of the line too. 

༻✿༺

The mess hall was crowded as usual, though generally loud chatters were quiet that night. It was almost bittersweet that they would share their meals for the last time come tomorrow, and there would probably never be a time where every single face was present in a room together.

Esther drummed her fingers on the tabletop, her tray half empty and her eyes occasionally glancing at Annie.

“You know, the Military Police are corrupt.” 

Annie looked up from her plate, staring at the uninvited girl at her table. She brought three others with her when she decided to sit right next to Annie. 

“Are you trying to get me to join the Survey Corps?” She asked, resting her cheek in her palm. Not an ounce of interest was visible on her face. 

“I’m just letting you know that you’ll hate it there.” Esther mumbled, her shoulders suddenly rising in defence. It suspiciously seemed like an attempt to get back at Annie for the seed of doubt she planted in her mind about the Survey Corps. It wasn’t working, but it was an attempt nonetheless.

“Maybe you’re right, but you only say that because you’ve been on the opposite side of their barrel. You don’t actually know much about them.” Annie stated, causing Esther’s face to warm up. 

She noticed the movement on her other side cease as Eren paused, spoon halting against his lips as he glanced at her. 

“That’s not-” She attempted to defend herself, to defend her opinion on the police that had been imprinted in her brain at a young age, but she got interrupted by another voice.

“I agree with you, Annie.” Jean joined in from the table next to theirs. 

Esther’s head jolted to his direction, a frown visible on her face. He was sitting next to Marco, staring at his plate all the while keeping his attention on their conversation. The faint grin on his face was bad news, and Esther already felt the approaching irritation in her veins.

“You only say that because you want to join the Military Police too.” Eren jumped at the opportunity to oppose him and didn’t give either Esther or Annie a chance to open their mouths. 

“So? I know everyone here except for dumb and dumber wants the same. Look at these faces,” Jean motioned around the room. The rest of the cadets weren’t as happy looking as him for newly graduated, soon-to-be recruits. “Look how depressed they are. It’s because they lost the chance to move to the inner quarters.”

His loud, inconsiderate comment earned him glances and eye rolls. Everyone in the room joined the military with a goal in mind, and being reminded of their failure was nothing but an unnecessary attempt on Jean’s side to make himself feel better.

“Inner quarters?” Eren scoffed. His spoon was already released from his hand, abandoned on his plate. “What are you talking about? This town was part of those inner quarters five years ago.”

Esther looked away with a sigh. This was the part where she would feel the need to leave. This was her unknown territory where she couldn’t quite generate an opinion, where she had no option but to believe whatever Eren would say. And she did believe, because it was a simple fact. If the titans could break into Wall Maria, there was no guarantee that Wall Rose would be safe for eternity.

“I’m sure we’ll be safe with you slaying the titans and all that.” Jean rolled his eyes, coming up short with an argument to refute Eren’s insinuation.

Eren grabbed his spoon again, tighter. He was in desperate need to release his frustration, his tendency to get riled up quite easily was making him fidget in his seat.

“That’s right. It’s not like we need a pessimist like you on the front lines.” He mumbled under his breath, sending daggers at his food. It must’ve gone cold already, and he didn’t even seem hungry for it anymore. 

He was defensive, protective of his goals and beliefs. Esther could understand. She was able to look at his scowl and feel empathy. She’d been told her own dreams were impossible at one point. She’d been given excuses and made up reasons that would do nothing but weigh her down as she climbed. She wanted to lean in and tell him to calm down. She wanted to tell him that it was alright, because she understood.

“Pessimist? What’s pessimistic about wanting to stay alive?” Jean intervened, and Esther just wished he’d stop trying to prove Eren wrong. She just wished he’d keep his mouth shut for once. “Do you have any idea how many human lives it takes for a single titan to fall? Even then, they don’t stop. There is no such thing as eradicating the titans. The sooner you accept it, the longer you’ll live.”

The utensil trembled in Eren’s firm grip. His teeth were clenched, jawline more pronounced than usual. His glare would burn a hole through the table if it could.

“I won’t accept it,” He protested, the metal clinking against the plate as he dropped his spoon, drops of soup splashing out of the plate. The sound echoed in the air, drowning everyone in silence. “I have a dream. A dream where we aren’t confined in these walls, where we are free to see the outside world, to live however we want and to live without fear. I won’t let anyone take that away from me.”

He didn’t shout, and his emotions didn’t trap him into a display of outburst. His voice, however, was vulnerable. No matter how strong he believed himself to be, Esther could hear it. She could see it in his downcast eyes, and how he only looked up after his words reached their destination.

Jean stared at him, eyebrows raised and lips slightly parted.

“Do you even hear yourself? Do you realise how outrageous you sound? Look around you, no one believes that nonsense!”

Eren glanced at the eyes that were doing their best to avoid him. His own classmates looked down, looked away, looked anywhere and everywhere except him. The only acknowledgment on their faces was a pittance of doubt. They were not just afraid of the titans, but his dream as well. Not because it wasn’t beautiful, but because they deemed it impossible.

The inner corners of Esther’s eyebrows were raised, curved in a sad expression as Eren sat there and tried to defend the future he wanted for himself. She hated the helpless frown on his face, the lack of faith that made his shoulders slouch. She couldn’t take it when he felt and appeared dejected like that.

“I believe him,” Her timid voice broke the silence. Eren’s head was suddenly lifted, and the slightest hint of relief on his face as he looked at her was worth the eye roll she received from Jean. “He’s going to see the outside world, and I’m going to help him.” 

It wasn’t something she blurted out just to save Eren from embarrassment. It wasn’t a lie either, because Eren believed he would see the outside world. And Esther had no reason not to help him, because he managed to plant the same dream in her head somewhere along the way. She wanted to see the world with him, and she was never successful in resisting following where her imagination would lead her.

When his lips twitched and he struggled to hold his smile in, Esther found it easy to ignore Jean’s scoff that was unpleasantly visible over Eren’s shoulder. How could she let him explore the sea and the fiery waters all by himself? She knew how bittersweet it was to stand alone and stare at the endless sky. She wouldn’t let him experience the same hollowness when he’d see something beautiful for the first time.

“Don’t make me laugh,” Jean interrupted her moment of silent thoughts, and the spell of small bliss was broken. “What does a girl from the Underground know about the outside world? Go ahead and give your life for something you don’t even understand for all I care.”

The light in Esther’s eyes was ready to diminish. She was ready to feel the warmth beneath her skin. Her eyes were already widening in embarrassment. Her heart skipped a beat in panic at how he revealed the one secret she wanted to keep to herself and her friends to a room full of people like it was nothing. 

If it wasn’t for the abrupt scrape of Eren’s chair along the floorboards, she would’ve displayed her terribly flushed cheeks a long time ago.

He stood up in an instant, fists making loud contact with the table. The sharp sound that was combined with the shock of Jean’s words made Esther flinch, and she looked up in surprise.

“You’re going too far. Watch your mouth.” Eren warned, eyes set ablaze as he glared at Jean. 

Esther didn’t quite know what to do, or what to feel. Her eyes were widened, and lips were parted as her heart pumped tangled emotions up her throat. 

She looked at Eren, and she watched him in wonder as he had trouble keeping his anger in check. Her eyes almost welled up, almost glistened with gratitude at the sight of him protecting her more ferociously than he defended his years-long dreams.

“Or what?” Jean taunted, not quite affected by Eren’s outburst.

“Eren.” Mikasa interrupted before he could say anything. She must’ve seen the snarl on his face before he even moved a muscle, and she must’ve witnessed enough of his recklessness in her lifetime to anticipate what he was about to do next.

Eren stood still for a moment that felt never-ending. He glared at Jean, not willing to back down. His eyes scanned the crowd around him; watching Marco anxiously glance at Jean while Connie absentmindedly played with his food. Sasha was staring down at her plate, not touching anything, with guilt lingering in her eyes.

Esther blinked back her sudden emotions, and felt responsible for the tension between the two of them regardless of her innocence in the whole ordeal. She raised a hesitant hand and tugged at his sleeve, gaining his attention. She didn’t want him to fight and get in trouble right after graduation, especially not because of her, and she hoped he could see the words she had trouble saying on her face as he stared down at her. 

It was too much to have the attention of every single person in the mess hall on their table. It was more than an uncomfortable feeling to feel their stares, to be exposed to them as a liar. The distant eyes around her must’ve been thinking of her as an outsider now, a lowlife criminal, because what else could she be?

Eren scoffed, and yanked his sleeve from her grasp. He left the room without sparing Jean another glance, and Esther’s hand was left hanging in the air. Without the barrier of his body, she was suddenly subjected to direct eye contact with Jean. 

Surprisingly enough, he didn’t hold it. With an irritated roll, he directed his eyes to his plate once more, and expected everything to suddenly go back to how it was five minutes ago.

Esther stood up, and pushed her chair back loud enough for Jean to grimace. As she followed Eren out, Annie was left to aimlessly swirl the soup in her bowl, along with Mikasa and Armin as the three of them simultaneously lost their appetite.

Her heart was beating a little faster than normal when she made it outside. The fresh, slightly cool air was soft against her skin. She breathed it in, and located Eren’s frustrated steps putting a distance between them. He was heading towards the dormitories. 

Hands in her pockets, she lowered her chin and followed him. Her steps were calmer in comparison, slower, as if she dreaded facing his anger indirectly. It wasn’t his fault that his emotions were stronger than an average person, and he didn’t mean to direct it to his friends, but he often times did. He got angry with himself and took it out on others without meaning to. 

Esther always waited for it to pass, always waited for him to calm down and for the fire in his eyes to be smothered. 

So she kept her pace slow, and when she finally caught up to him, he was sitting on their bench with a harmless scowl. 

She took her place next to him, silently and gently, careful not to disrupt his brooding. They were good at not talking and still being comfortable around each other. It was a development that came to be throughout the three years they’d known each other. 

Eren had trouble expressing himself, and when he got frustrated with himself, Esther would often be the one to deal with his tantrums. It made her hesitant to speak out, made her think twice before triggering a switch in him. So they learned to keep quiet. Somehow, it was easier. 

Eren lifted his head and looked at her profile. Her shorter strands had escaped the twin braids again. They were trying to hide her eyes from him, acting no different than annoyingly growing vines.

“I’ll make sure he apologises to you before we enlist.” He mumbled, catching her attention. 

She turned to him with a smile, it was too faint to be genuine.

“Then it won’t be sincere.” 

“I don’t care.” Eren ignored her. Their eye contact was broken before it actually began, and he turned away to glare at the barely visible field. 

Esther stayed with him until his eyebrows were relaxed, until he was the one making a move to leave. 

༻✿༺

The morning came quickly. Now that the disbandment was over, time turned back to normal. 

Sleep wasn’t enough, Esther’s limbs were too lazy to perform basic tasks, and the comfort of her pillow was singing her a sweet lullaby. 

She separated herself from her bunk with words of self-encouragement, and her mind wasn’t cleared until she was given her assignment for the day. It wasn’t because she wasn’t used to this. Her cadet years taught her to wake up at ungodly hours and perform impossible tasks, but she just couldn’t sleep last night, and she had no motivation to face her classmates.

She felt like everyone was watching her, waiting for her to trip so they could finally point their barely contained fingers at her. It didn’t come, and she was only welcomed by whispers behind her back. It was uncomfortable, but at least tolerable. 

Breeze infiltrated the tiniest of gaps in Esther’s braids, and the sun was shining as bright as ever. She looked up from the bunting banners above the marketplace to the sky, breathing in the fresh air. There were clouds present, many of them were slowly approaching, carrying the weight of the rain. The walls of Trost were visible from where she stood in the centre, surrounded by the calm crowd of the marketplace. She couldn’t wait to stand on top of it and bathe in the incoming rain with the view of the outer town beneath her. It was unbelievable to think that she, a mere nobody from the Underground City, was going to go beyond those stone barriers soon enough. 

She couldn’t see well from this distance even if she squinted hard enough, but Eren was atop of the gate, taking care of the cannons fifty meters higher than the ground below. Her scabbards were getting slightly heavy on her hips as she waited for her turn to go up there in approximately half an hour, and all she’d been doing ever since Eren left her side was aimlessly walking around the town. It’d been a while since the bell tower chimed and drowned Trost in its noise for a moment. Only a few minutes before that, he was leaning against the wall next to her by the headquarters.

“What’s your assignment?” He’d asked, head thrown back in boredom. 

“Fortifying the walls after noon,” By which she meant cleaning the cannons. “What about you?” 

“Fortifying the walls in the morning.” With a huff, he’d pushed himself away from the wall, shrugged and fixed his jacket, and got ready to leave her side for his task.

She could understand his reluctance because she didn’t want to participate in any kind of assignment either, especially not the ones that didn’t include flying, and she didn’t want to spend more time in the vicinity of other cadets than she necessarily had to. However, she was not expecting life to show her mercy now. 

She’d reminded him of their deal before he could disappear. They were to ask their instructors about their favourite cadet. It managed to put a competitive grin on his face, and his shoulders were raised in confidence as he walked away. 

Esther approached a stall with beautifully shaped pastries displayed all for her enjoyment. Their bare dough didn’t contain sweet ingredients on top like the ones she used to eat as a child on special occasions, but it didn’t seem to matter. Her hand was already travelling towards the flap pocket on her jacket that contained very little money. 

She ended up buying a single beignet, placed in a paper bag and small enough to fit in her pocket. 

She wanted to buy one for Eren, and maybe one for Sasha too as she was supposed to be on the same post as him. She wanted to put smiles on their possibly tired faces as she swapped places with them, however, she didn’t carry enough money. 

Esther put the bag in her pocket, keeping it safe for the time being. She walked around aimlessly, checked different stalls with different contents. Fruits, street food, handmade items, clothes. She thought of sharing half of her pastry with Eren. Her mind was contemplating something simple, something that wasn’t even important, and it felt like one of those rare moments where she wouldn’t have to worry about anything. With her luck, though, she was bound to face a new kind of obstacle; an unfair cloudburst disrupting the order of her mind.

She stopped feeling the calming breeze at first, and the hair on her nape rose against her will. She paused, about to look up, when a bright yellow light blinded her, forced her to turn her face away, to raise her arm as a shield. The ground beneath her shook with ferocity she’d never known before. She almost lost her balance, her hand reached for nothing and grasped the air instinctively. It felt like the sun had exploded, like a hundred different thunderbolts struck the earth simultaneously, all out for blood.

Esther only realised her lack of breathing when it was all over, as quick as it hit. She only acknowledged her palpitating heart when the sudden screams around her were quietened in shock, and she had to face an unimaginable drainage of emotions when she looked up to see a creature of immense size looking down at Trost beyond the outer wall.

She was wrong to assume that time was back to normal when she woke up in the morning. It wasn’t, it was frozen. 

Not a single soul moved a muscle around her, all eyes on the titan that she only heard from her lecturers and classmates up until this point. Her brain stopped working, and for a split second, everything she’d learned for the past three years was erased from her memory. It was always strange when she forgot something, because she simply never did. But in that short period of time, which felt to last forever, she forgot how to react. She forgot the drill, she forgot what the Special Colossal Titan Strategy was. She forgot what to do, who to report to.

A shaky breath left her lips, and her index finger twitched above her scabbard. Ice was slowly melting, and her time of reflection was coming to an end. It didn’t matter that she was seeing a titan for the first time ever, it didn’t matter that it was only a short distance away from her. It didn’t matter that the sight sent a jolt of familiarity and fear to her brain. She remembered something else that wasn’t related to her training as a soldier nor to her own current condition. 

Eren was there, on top of the gate where the Colossal was grabbing the wall. 

The second hand ticked again, and again, and the time was back to normal. Esther took a hesitant step forward; her brain was awakened to a horrible realisation. 

Eren was there. He was there, in the claws of danger, and her legs moved on their own without sparing time for logic nor for any other thought.

“Eren-!” His name fell from her lips in panic as she ran. It wasn’t like he could hear her, tell her that he was fine, but it was her mind’s desperate way of reminding her of the importance of her objective. 

That was before a second wave of quake knocked her out of balance and sent her to her knees. She heard the sound of the gate being demolished before she saw a piece of it flying towards her. 

Dirt dug into her palms as she pushed herself up in haste and threw herself to the side. Her eyes widened beyond the limit, and her heart was trashing up the place underneath her rib cage. Her shoulders hit the brick wall of a nearby store, the forceful collision knocking the wind out of her. The scabbards at her hips protested with a clank. 

The rubble flew past, missing her by a mere second, and hit the marketplace before splitting into pieces on impact. Esther watched it destroy the stalls she was browsing amongst a moment ago, and Esther watched unfortunate people getting caught underneath it. She watched the citizens run away with horrified screams that echoed over and over in her head. Blood was splattered all over the ground she was running on just a second ago, and she watched the red drops fly before her terrified eyes. 

The marketplace was painted scarlet, and Esther didn’t even have the time to wonder what she’d done to always end up on cobblestones in a horrific scene of bloodshed.

Eren is on top of the wall. 

Her mind nudged her, pushed, kicked and forced her to crawl to her feet from where she threw herself. She turned around and ran again, shaky breaths leaving her lips with each step. She pushed the lives that’d been lost, wiped out in a split second, at the back of her mind. She ran, avoiding the hysterical crowd that was headed right in her direction, doing everything it could to prevent her from getting to him.

With a frustrated huff, she switched to vertical manoeuvre, thanking her assignment that she was apathetic about for giving her the opportunity to wear her gear at a time like this. 

Esther attached the tip of her wires to a nearby building and pulled herself onto the roof, keeping her pace above the unsteady red tiles. Her head was thrown back as she kept her eyes on the Colossal. The more she approached it, the bigger it became, and her bottom lip dared to tremble against her best efforts. It filled her with dread, created a never-ending road for a chilling sensation to travel up and down her spine as she ran towards it.

Run, she found herself thinking, begging. Don’t fight, run. Please, don’t fight.

She doubted her worried pleas were directed at her own desperate self.

With a caught breath, she watched it raise a slow hand and destroy the cannons in one powerful swipe. 

Her heart almost jumped up to her mouth. Her legs almost gave out and she almost collapsed with a helpless tear gathering in her eyes. The pieces flew around and attacked the citizens below, the sound of destruction only urging them to evacuate as quickly as possible.

Her stubborn brain, however, wouldn’t let her give up. It pushed and pushed her until she was close enough to anchor herself to the wall, never allowing her to entertain the possibility of Eren getting crushed beneath the impact. It wasn’t possible, it couldn’t be. Not now, not before they joined the Scouts. Not even after that. 

This wasn’t just about their wishes and hopeful dreams. She simply couldn’t lose him. He was her first friend, her best friend, the only one that believed in her. He was someone she thought of even when they weren’t together, and she couldn’t lose that, because she wouldn’t be able to find it anywhere else. She didn’t even want to search for it in someone other than him. And if Eren left her, she wouldn’t be able to follow him anymore. She couldn’t dare to dream anymore.

So she jumped from the roof and attached her wires to the wall, creating a harmless little crack on the stone as she pulled herself up. The gear at her back gave her the thrust she needed, and she utilised her gas almost to the limit as she made her way to the top. She ran on the wall and defied gravity with the help of it, and only paused to hastily re-anchor herself. 

It was nothing but fear that shoved her higher and higher. Her breathing pattern was all over the place, her widened eyes were ready to spill a desperate tear or two. She’d never faced this before. Spotting a titan for the first time was terrifying enough, but what was even more terrorising was the death bells it rung. 

Esther had never stood in front of this fear before. She never feared losing someone forever before she lost them, and her inexperience fuelled the panic within her, taking control of her body and turning her into a being that was only capable of dreading. 

“Eren!” The cry of his name left her once more when her feet touched a solid ground after what felt like an infinite climb. 

Reaching the top of the wall didn’t feel like relief. The absence of air hitting her face and throwing her hair back was calmer, yet the wind at an altitude where she was standing wasn’t any more forgiving. 

She didn’t see the comforting sight of Eren standing right before her anxious eyes, nor the piercing glare of the Colossal as it dropped a big, threatening shadow on her. What greeted her was the vast fields of Wall Maria, blessed with green grass and tall trees in the distance. The abandoned buildings stood in their lonesome below her, and nature was cruel enough to stand so close yet so far from her.

Clouds were visible again, and the air was clearer. Everything suddenly seemed so calm that she momentarily froze on the spot, wondering if she’d been dreaming this whole time. The reality of standing so high in the air was lost to her, and she couldn’t even take a moment to appreciate the beautiful landscape of Maria.

A frown settled above her frantic eyes as they searched around, and she noticed Connie and Thomas rushing towards her, sweat gathered on their wide-eyed faces.

“Where’s Eren?” She asked as soon as they were within hearing range, her breathless lungs causing her chest to heave. 

“He was fighting it!” Thomas declared, causing the seeds of worry to bloom in her chest in the most dangerous way. Her fingers trembled over the triggers as Thomas ran to the other side and looked down. “Eren! What happened? Did you beat it!?”

“It disappeared!” The wind carried his voice to her, and she fell onto her knees right next to Thomas in an instant. Her trembling hands let go of the operating devices and dangerously grabbed the edge of the wall instead. 

He was there, hanging from his wire on the other side of the wall like it was the most casual thing to do, like he hadn’t thrown himself into a pit of peril while she was fighting against her own pounding heart.

A shaky breath left her parted lips at the sight of him, seemingly unharmed.

“Eren! Are you alright?” Esther shouted, allowing herself to soak up whatever relief she could find. 

The legacy of her worry was still evident both on her face and in her voice. Her braids dangled on each side of her, and her mess of emotions reflected in the shape of surprise on Eren’s face when he looked up.

It was clear to see that his mind was jumping from one thought to another, his confusion was growing bigger by the second, and Esther’s unexpected arrival wasn’t helping his case. 

“I’m fine,” His wire pulled him up. Esther leaned forward and offered him a hand. He grabbed her forearm, and the firm grip of his managed to ground her straggled thoughts as she helped him on top of the wall. Her own clutch was no weaker than his, and the pull she gave him was the final show of her desperation. “I didn’t manage to kill it though.” 

The disappointment in his own voice made Esther release a sigh. The short breath of air nudged the stray strands of hers, and she stayed down on her knees even when he stood up. Even when Thomas reassured Eren that he’d done more than any of them had the courage to do, she kept herself down in silence and let the cool breeze on the walls calm her down.

Breathing seemed like a little easier of a task to perform just then. The turmoil in her mind was being mollified by Eren’s presence right next to her. His shadow fell on the ground by her sprawled fingers, roughly shaped by the dented surface; the mark of the Colossal’s grip. 

The shadow moved around as Eren explained what had happened. He was agitated, frustrated, and he was still the same determined boy who swore to kill the titans before he even fought one. His interaction with the biggest of them all didn’t seem to waver him. 

And then there was Esther, who still had difficulty grasping the reality she suddenly found herself in.

The image of the Colossal was imprinted on her mind, and even if she witnessed its assault from a distance, it was still the first titan she had the misfortune to see. The unprecedented event was hard to accept, to believe and to act accordingly. And yet, an uninvited sting still managed to radiate a sensation of discomfort in her eyes.

“Why do I,” The whisper left her lips, and she squeezed her eyes shut to prevent the flow of emotions. “Why do I feel like I’ve seen it before?” 

Her questions weren’t meant for anyone but her own confused mind. The hesitant whisper of hers wasn’t strong enough to reach Eren, but it somehow managed to make his voice come to a halt, along with the movement of his shadow. 

Esther felt her classmates’ eyes on her as she sat there on the edge of the wall, looking puzzled and shell shocked.

Her lids parted, and the apprehensive eyes of hers looked to her side at the open fields of Maria, at the undisturbed trees in the distance. What a beautiful sight it was. 

“This makes no sense. Why is this happening now?” She found herself asking more and more. Her voice was too gentle, too out of place. The question itself was afraid of an answer.

Esther found herself being engulfed in the shadow nearby. A hand touched her shoulder, and a figure kneeled before her. She tore her eyes away from the landscape and locked eyes with Eren. The frown on his face was deep, and the flicker of ferocity in his eyes was worth a forest set ablaze.

“What are you doing here? You were supposed to report to the headquarters immediately.” He said, leaving her own questions completely unaddressed.

Esther blinked, not rattled by the brief shake on her shoulder nor his sudden interrogation. The answers were lost in the way the rays of sunlight touched his face, always so graceful and gentle to bring the best out of him. She understood his question, yet she found it unfair. 

“I-” She attempted to speak, to tell him that she was worried and afraid, to tell him that she didn’t want him to leave her. 

However, the words were stuck in her throat. The invisible barrier on her tongue was built by the pieces of his restrained empathy. The soldier in him was overbearing, and his mind was focused on nothing but the sudden appearance of the Colossal.

Esther gulped down her genuine emotions, even felt bad for acting so recklessly for a moment. It was unfair, because even the sunbeams were here, chasing after his unblinking gaze. It didn’t make sense that he expected her not to come running to him.

As she drowned him in silence and caused him to part his lips in impatience, a Garrison soldier reached them with orders already spilling from his mouth.

“You, cadets! The Special Colossal Titan Strategy has begun, resume your positions at once!” The order sent them to their feet, and Esther had to take a second longer to take her place next to Eren. Her fist wasn’t fully closed as it rested over her heart, and she could barely keep her head high. “Whoever made contact with the thing, report to the headquarters immediately!”

“Sir! We shall pray for the Vanguard’s success!” Connie’s voice almost trembled as he saluted the Garrison, and the drops of sweat that was rolling from his temple was evidence enough for his worries. 

Esther looked down, the commotion fifty meters below echoing in her ears. The grim ringing of the bells almost split her head into two. She dropped her fist as soon as their superiors were gone, and a shaky breath flared her nostrils.

“Stop that. We don’t have any time to waste with sulking,” Eren nudged her, pushing her to walk with urgency in his manner. “Let’s go.” 

༻✿༺

It would be an understatement to say that the headquarters were in a state of chaos, and Esther would be lying if she were to convince herself that she was immune to it. 

Freshly graduated cadets rushed to their posts and gathered their squads under the Garrison’s orders. Most of them were in shambles. Daz was throwing up, barely containing himself from being crushed beneath the pressure. 

A group of people sat against the wall with their heads buried in their hands, waiting for their imminent doom. Some would most likely meet their demises in an hour’s time. 

Jean was cursing his own faith, because he was supposed to be in the Military Police come tomorrow. Why today? He’d asked, and Esther found herself agreeing with him. 

Why today? She was so eager, anxious yet so hopeful just yesterday. She was thinking of words to say to Levi, questions to ask Furlan and stories to tell Isabel. Her single problem up until the breach of the wall was the beignet in her pocket, and ways to share it with Eren.

Why did she always have her short lived happiness taken from her frail grasp with such force? Where did she go wrong this time?

With her equipment already attached to her body belt with replenished gas, Esther sat on one of the supply containers and stared at her shaking hands. Christa was trying to console Daz, and his hopeless cries haunted her.

A shadow blocked the daylight, and she glanced up momentarily. Eren stared down at her, an eyebrow raised in a questioning manner. Her silence made him release a sigh, and his face relaxed as he suppressed his determination and eagerness to throw himself into the frontlines. 

He sat down next to her, their shoulders touching. When they sat on that bench near the barracks, Esther would be the one staring ahead, head leaned back and eyes on the sky. Eren would rarely raise his head from the rocks on the ground. Now, in the midst of chaos as they basked in the diminishing safety of the headquarters, the roles were reversed. Her head was hanging low, but Eren’s shoulders were standing straight and confident, and his chin was high, as if he’d been waiting for a chance to fight.

“I told you, we don’t have time for this.” He sent her a side eye. 

Esther’s feet swayed from side to side, the heels of her boots bumping into the crate. Eren’s were touching the ground, and his hands were grabbing the edge, ready to leave at the call of his name.

“I know. I’m sorry.” She mumbled, trying to keep herself from saying she was afraid. 

She wanted to look strong, to feel strong. She didn’t want him to see her as an incapable weakling like Levi used to, but apparently nothing had changed since her childhood days. She still couldn’t be as courageous and brave as the people she surrounded herself with, and it took a toll on her on top of everything else.

A sigh left her lips, almost resembling a whimper. She raised a hand and swiped her sweating forehead, her eyes closed to keep it in. Keep everything in, emotions and doubts and fears and everything in between. 

Eren watched quietly, and Esther didn’t have to open her eyes to see the pity in his eyes. He must’ve been disappointed. All those talks of how weak the titans were and how they were going to defeat the monsters with their strength, and she couldn’t even speak without trembling.

“I saw Captain Levi.” He said then, suddenly and unexpectedly. 

Esther’s hand froze, her fingers hesitating above her eyebrows. A sharp turn of her head caused the dread to scatter away as surprise took its place. 

Eren wasn’t fazed, he almost seemed glad to catch her attention.

“What?” The question left in the form of a whisper, so quiet that the commotion around almost shut her down. 

“I saw him this morning. Did you not hear the bell? The Scouts were leaving for an expedition.” Eren looked at her glossy eyes, her parted lips, the frozen anxiety on her face. He wanted it all gone. 

Esther remembered the bell ringing after she parted ways with Eren. She remembered, yet she didn’t even know the reason behind its loudness, the reason behind the crowd heading for the gates. If she had, she’d have been there. She’d have done anything and everything to see him again, even earlier than she was supposed to. She’d never have wasted her time doing nothing.

Her widened eyes followed Eren as he stood up, taking the sun behind him.

“He looks just like you described. Black hair, narrow eyes. I thought he looked a bit short, even though he was on top of a horse. He didn’t really seem interested in people praising his name. That’s him, right?” 

Esther lowered her hand, kneading the fabric of her pants. 

“Yeah.” She replied, having no other words. She didn’t need any more explanation to convince her that Levi was almost in her reach. She didn’t want anything else, because all they did was render her weak and hopeful, and the current situation severely contradicted with her inside turmoil.

“He’s out there, fighting in a far more dangerous territory right now. It’s up to us to defend this place until he arrives, so stop sulking and take your position.”

Esther couldn’t argue with him, merely because all she had to offer was frightened whimpers. She jumped down the crate and took a deep breath. The air that filled her lungs felt especially heavy that day, like she’d been taking the simple function for granted all this time.

“Do you want a beignet?” She asked out of nowhere, and Eren’s face twitched in confusion.

“What?”

“I bought one before the attack,” Her hand reached for her pocket, from where she took out the pastry and held it out for him to see. “I feel like I’ll throw up if I eat it. You can have it if you want.”

Eren stared at the paper bag in silence. He then raised a hand to cover hers, gently curling her fingers around the pastry. 

“We’ll share it to celebrate once we win. Hold onto it.” His encouragement carried a promise, and Esther almost crumbled under the warmth of his touch. 

“What if we don’t-” She attempted to ask the dreadful question, the unknown dilemma. 

What if we don’t make it? 

However, Eren wasn’t eager to hear it.

“We will.” He was assertive. “You still have to see the captain, and you haven’t helped me see the outside world yet. Don’t you dare die today.” 

Esther bit down on her bottom lip and averted her glistening eyes. None of this was fair, but she had to be brave. Eren was right, she still had things to do, people to reunite with, places to see and worlds to discover. 

When Eren’s touch left her all alone, her fingers twitched to chase the warmth of it. 

“Alright.” Esther put the bag back in her pocket, a glimmer of reluctance in the motion. 

Annie had told her hours before that when something must be done, it must be done. No choices, no exceptions. 

She declared the titans as her enemies the moment she enlisted, and it was all for her aspirations. She would slay the titans, bathe in blood and survive the attack if it meant she’d get to be with her family. She’d do anything to see the reflection of the sea in Eren’s eyes; where the grass met the sky. 

When a booming voice brought the clear and the final order for each squad to take their places, Eren had no choice but to part ways with her. 

Esther’s eyelids were lowered in sadness as she watched Eren walk away. He paused midway to glance at her, to see her still frozen on the spot. 

She didn’t want him to leave, she didn’t want to be away from him on a battlefield; because the last time she parted ways with someone, she spent years in what felt like an incurable anguish.

Eren’s shoulders dropped with a defeated sigh, and he closed the gap between them once more.

“Don’t be afraid,” He reassured, standing so close to her glossy eyes. “I’ll be right behind you.” 

It was a hopeless attempt to make her believe she wouldn’t be too far away from him before they’d inevitably part ways. 

She wanted to believe it. His squad would deploy right after hers, and she wanted to believe that they’d be able to communicate even when they were apart. She hoped she’d feel his presence until the evacuation was complete, until they were back together on a bench beneath the stars again.

The back of her hand wiped her forehead once more, and a sniff attempted to bury her uneasy emotions.

“Thank you,” Esther whispered thinly. Gratitude seemed to be the only thing she could offer him, so she did her best and hoped Eren would be satisfied with it. “And don’t you dare die either.” 

“I won’t.” Was the promise he gave her. She held it close to her chest and carried it to battle.

Chapter Text

The day Eren met Esther was the very first time he was mildly interested in a lone lavender. The moment he touched her hand, he came to the bewildering realisation of the part of his mind that had been in a deep slumber. He didn’t even know of its existence, and it took Esther even longer to register it. A very sweet, invitingly warm sleep it was, and she was being pulled from all sides to latch onto consciousness. 

The day they met, touched, formed a friendship, lied and came clean, and put their beliefs in each other; an invisible thread was tied and sealed. It grew, and like hungry vines on brick walls, it wrapped itself around their heads, their arms and ankles. The tendrils formed around the fingers that Eren would curl around Esther’s wrist, and it followed them everywhere until the leaves left their marks on their footsteps.

The day the Colossal Titan attacked the Trost District was the day Esther felt an awakening in her mind, ready to rise and face the world after what felt like a century-long drowsiness.

Her blades were drawn, and her pastry was safely tucked away in her pocket. Rain was about to begin as the clouds drew ominously close. She faced the unfortunate city and waited for the Garrison to give her squad the order to move out. 

There were no titans in sight from where she was standing, and she foolishly tried to convince herself that maybe the situation wasn’t that bad. Maybe no one would lose their lives, and the people beneath the rubble that inadvertently targeted her would be the only casualties. 

Deep breaths in, deep breaths out. She’d be fine. For Levi, Furlan, Isabel; she would survive this. For Eren, she would fight and be brave. And for her own sake, she would try her very best.

Jean came to stand next to her. He’d been quiet for a while. He seemed to slowly and reluctantly accept his fate.

“What do you make of this?” He asked, hopeless eyes on the city; searching for the titans but hoping for a lack thereof. 

Esther gave him a short glance. They weren’t on the best of terms; she still remembered his cruel words from the day prior. The whispers of her classmates followed her until the gate was destroyed and their minds were distracted. She was just a clueless girl from the Underground, what could she possibly know about the outside world? What would she know of the titans to form an opinion on the current situation?

“Nothing. I just know that I need to survive.” She replied, keeping up her facade. She couldn’t crumble in front of him. 

Jean’s sigh was audible, it felt heavy. His face was expressionless. Esther could almost read the pessimistic thoughts revolving around his head, and she detested the look in his eyes that had already suggested defeat. 

She wished she was in the same squad as Eren. At least his sheer determination would fuel her optimism. At least she wouldn’t have to be separated from him in such a dire situation. At least she wouldn’t feel so afraid, despite Eren’s best efforts at encouraging her.

Deep breaths in, deep breaths out. I will survive, she convinced herself. She tried so hard to believe herself.

“If we somehow don’t, I hope you know that I didn’t mean those words.” Jean surprised her with an unexpected apology, and an ill-timed one at that.

There was steam rising from certain parts of the town that she couldn’t see clearly, and he managed to tear her eyes away from the grim spectacle. His profile didn’t indicate anything, and he seemed strangely calm. Only a drop of sweat on his temple and a slight shake of his hands betrayed his false display of indifference.

“Did Eren ask you to apologise to me?” Esther questioned, his promise on the bench was fresh in her mind. 

“He did, but don’t think for a second that I’m doing this because of him. I just wanted to say it in case I die.” Jean gave her a side-eye, his faint frown making his words all the more serious. 

Esther looked down at her reverse blades, her hands were grabbing the devices so tightly that she feared they would break. The wires were trembling, betraying her front and showing the world that she wasn’t as fearless as she wished to be.

An uncomfortable atmosphere was surrounding them; insistent on not leaving so easily, but she felt more at ease with standing next to him. 

She willed her fingers to relax ever so slightly.

“You won’t die.” She hoped her voice was as firm as her stubborn urge to fulfil her claim. “We’re in the top ten. We will survive this.”

Jean was quiet as he inspected her face. Fearful and nervous, but still optimistic. It was clear as day that Eren gave her a talk beforehand. 

“What about them?” He tipped his chin to the rest of their squad, and Esther hesitantly followed his gaze. 

Daz was sitting on the tiles of the roof, head between his hands as he awaited the green light towards doom. Ruth was standing behind him, shoulders slouched and an overall dejection on her face. Tom wasn’t even facing the city, his face was buried in his arms as he sat on the far corner of the roof. There was no one to rub their backs and tell them that everything would be alright, because they all knew how big of a lie that would be.

Esther trained her eyes on the horizon. She took a deep breath in, and exhaled an equally long breath. 

“We’ll help each other out. We have to survive no matter what, okay?” Her insecurity was waving at Jean, and he could very clearly see her attempts to keep her voice neutral. She wasn’t faring any better than their squad members, and he wasn’t stupid enough to oversee it.

He offered her a simple nod of acknowledgment, but didn’t entertain her hopeful assurances. 

“Squad 33!” The lookout yelled from the higher level. Esther tensed, and her eyes immediately widened. The call for their charge was finally here, and her breathing exercises couldn’t have been more useless. “The vanguard needs support, move out!” 

She heard the rest of the squad getting ready to take off. Even though their slow movements were reluctant, they had no other options.

“Alright. Let’s stick together, everyone.” Jean suggested, the burden of leadership mounting his shoulders in the most natural way. 

He stepped forward, and let the lack of solid ground claim him before his wires were shot off. 

Esther jumped off the rooftop after him, following the marks his anchors left on walls as they advanced into the frontlines. 

Squads were being sent off faster than anyone had expected. The vanguard, originally formed by the Garrison members, had been in dire need of support from any trained individual that was available, cadet or not. Titans were barely kept at bay, and the absence of the Survey Corps resulted in the soldiers’ incompetence.

Esther felt anxious as she passed the houses that had been deserted, shops that were left open and unattended. The merchandise that would most likely not be bought any time soon was scattered around in disarray, and Esther had to force herself to tear her focus away from the sorrowful scene of abandoned lives with a nervous gulp.

She glanced over her shoulder to see the other three members of her squad trail her and Jean as quickly as possible, not wanting to drift apart even though the road they took led to nowhere but a death trap. 

The wind that hit Esther’s face wasn’t gentle in any way. It reminded her of the training they had in harsh weather conditions; the sharp hits of the current on her skin and its stubborn resistance against her ODM gear. 

However, Trost somehow managed to make her most gruelling memories in the Cadet Corps seem like a pleasant walk in the park.

“Halt!” Jean shouted not long after their take-off, alarming the squad.

He landed on a nearby roof, shoulders stiff and eyebrows furrowed. He was searching the vicinity with intense caution. 

“What is it?” Esther asked as soon as she landed a short distance away from him. 

As far as she could see, there were no titans nearby. Ominous steam was rising from a spot at least three hundred meters to the south, and that was the closest sign of an enemy. 

“I saw one.” Jean didn’t tear his eyes away from the spot where broken clay tiles were scattered across the roof as well as the windowsills. 

Esther felt the hair on her nape stand tall as anxiety creeped up on her. She grabbed her devices tighter and searched the nearby area carefully. She forlornly hoped Jean was simply imagining things, even though it was highly unlikely.

“I don’t see anything.” Daz’s voice trembled. It sounded less like a convincing statement and more like a poor attempt at making himself believe that they weren’t in any fatal danger.

“I’m telling you, I saw-!” Jean tried to raise a defensive voice when a loud footstep interrupted him, proving him right in the most unfortunate manner.

The five members of the squad stilled in horror, a simultaneous flinch rendering their bodies paralysed.

Esther felt the ground shake when a head peaked from behind the building Jean was staring at. 

A titan, around eight meters, rounded the corner and directed its wide eyes at her squad. Its lips were stretched into an unnatural smile, not matching the dead expression in its wide, eerily empty eyes. 

Daz whimpered and took a step back, bumping into Tom and almost sending him falling off the roof. 

Esther could almost see her reflection in the titan’s eyes as it approached them, slowly but surely. She was familiar with it, the unforgiving nothingness in the dim light of an enemy’s stare. It would accept no pleas, and it would grant no mercy. She was, to an extent, used to it, but seeing it multiply over and over again until it formed this giant bloodlust right in front of her was different. It was worse, and she couldn’t see a dark alley where she could run off to.

The titan that her squad was facing didn’t look like the Colossal Titan, it didn’t look like anything. It was death, a horrible and a tragic end to a short life. It was a sharp scythe, a coffin incarnated, and a grave without nurturing earth.

She was lost in a haze during the Colossal’s attack. Her mind was invaded by the worry of her unrhythmic heart, and she couldn’t think of anything else other than the possible danger Eren was in.

Now, standing in the close vicinity of one as it deemed her its target, she could finally understand Eren’s words from years ago; titans were horrifying, and the thought of not being able to fight one off made her skin crawl. Even the mere imagination of standing before one without her blades made her gulp, it made her shudder and shake her head in a silent protest.

“What do we do!?” Ruth yelled in panic, unable to move from her spot at the far end of the roof. She couldn’t run away on her own, but she couldn’t find it in herself to charge either.

Jean remained silent, his shoulders tense as he watched the titan make its way to them. 

Esther took in a sharp breath and forced herself to focus. With another deep breath in, she reminded herself, I will survive this.

“Jean?” She stepped forward. Her voice was not successful enough to keep her unyielding fear hidden. 

She was trembling like a leaf. Her throat was already dry, and she had no one to put her trust in except for the blades in her hands, and in her sheer will to live. 

Jean was unresponsive. She couldn’t see his face, but his eyes must’ve been wide in terror. It was only natural, it was how his whole squad was reacting.

The building they stood on top of shook as violently as their hands, and Esther helplessly took in the form of the titan; took in its appearance and its movements.

Her mind tended to run away sometimes. When she was afraid, lost or simply overwhelmed with too many uncontainable emotions, she would run off to her safe haven; her safe place and her safe person. Her warm home had kept her protected, taught her everything she ever knew.

Levi’s voice would come back to her sometimes, and he would remind her his teachings calmly, despite the life-threatening situation she was in. Somewhere at the back of her mind, he kept training, warning and guiding her. He’d tell her to watch her enemy, to observe carefully but quickly, and to find their deadly give-aways; their weaknesses. He would warn her not to barge in blindly with half-assed tactics. 

And Esther would listen.

She calmed herself, debatably in an unsuccessful manner, and she observed as hastily as she could. She watched the slow and unsteady pace of the titan. It was taking its sweet time reaching them, they could fly off to somewhere else without a hitch if they wanted to, but they didn’t get trained for all those years just to drop their blades and let the titans advance in their lands.

Its eyes were unblinking. It stared at them, its fresh preys, and at nothing else.

Esther glanced at her reverse blades, and a shaky breath left her parted lips. It was burdened by the lone option that appeared in her mind.

“Jean,” She stepped in front of him. She was right, his eyes were wide. He was afraid, an expression she’d never seen on his face before was now on full display. He looked pale, like he was staring at his own ghost. “Jean, I have an idea!”

Jean didn’t look at her until she pushed his shoulder, desperate for his attention. He slowly set his questioning eyes on her, his helpless reflection staring back at him.

“What?”

Esther pointed at the titan, who was approximately half a minute away from reaching their location with its slow approach.

“I’ll stab its eyes,” She proposed. Her grip was perfect for the objective, she’d fly high and jump it from above, burying her blades into its eyes and eliminating its sight in a matter of seconds. “It’s slow, it won’t react in time. If we cut off its vision, we might be able to-“

“No.” Jean refused immediately. “Look at its arms, it will grab you before you can get close to it.”

Esther looked over her shoulder, noting the limp and skinny arms and flimsy fingers that almost reached its knees.

“Then we have to cut its arms too. We can’t just stand here.” She turned back to him, her eyes pleading for him to take charge and order the squad to do something. Anything. 

Shadis was right, she lacked good leadership skills. She couldn’t evaluate the situation until imminent danger was standing a millimetre away from her face, looking at her right in the eye. And even then, she would panic. She needed guidance as much as the rest of the squad. It wasn’t helping that their leader wasn’t faring any better.

Jean pinched the bridge of his nose, a frustrated sigh leaving his mouth.

“Damn it.” He turned around sharply, assessing the state of Daz, Tom and Ruth. Their faces looked afraid, hesitant, and hopeless enough to make Jean hesitate for a short second. “Daz, go for the left arm. Ruth, you go for the right one. Attack from above at the same time as Esther, hopefully it will get confused and won’t know who to go for. Tom, step in if something goes wrong.”

“What are you going to do?” Daz asked as the sound of the titan’s footsteps got unbearably loud. They had ten seconds left, not even.

“I’ll go for the nape.” Jean gave his blades a short inspection, the terrified look on his face changing into a concentrated frown. 

The titan took its last step forward, and the squad was on the move. Esther anchored herself to a building a few meters back, putting distance between herself and the titan to gain speed and altitude. 

Daz and Ruth followed, their movements hesitant on a concerning level. The two of them flew lower than Esther, and Ruth clumsily attached her wire to the titan’s shoulder a second earlier than instructed. 

She dived in, her blades ready to cut off its right arm, before the titan raised a hand and caught her in the air faster than anyone could follow. It was more agile than Esther had anticipated, and Esther’s eyes were widened at the dreadful scream that tore through Ruth’s throat.

She felt clueless for the short second she spent hanging in the air. The scream turned muffled, and her heartbeat gained the upper hand, thumping into her chest and shattering her eardrums. Terror filled her thoughts to the brim and almost intervened in her plans in the evilest way.

Grunting, she rushed to jump on its head. Their coordination was off before it even began, and it didn’t help that these were the people Esther had barely trained with. She didn’t know their techniques, their timings nor their skills, and they didn’t know hers. The plan wasn’t well thought of in the first place, and their inexperience was pressured by the hostile enemy targeting them with its sharp teeth and wide eyes.

Daz wasn’t able to anticipate how high Esther would go, and he failed to rise to her altitude. Not being able to follow Jean’s instructions, he attacked from the front instead.

He managed to cut off its left arm from the elbow, the attack causing the titan to sway on its feet and to stumble back. Still, it wasn’t enough. Ruth was still entrapped between its cage-like fingers.

Esther tightened her hold on her devices and grappled onto the wide forehead of the titan. Her target was just below where she was anchored, and she tried her best not to let the sight render her more fearful than she already was. 

Her wires gave her a sharp pull towards his unnerving face, making her glide in the air before she landed right on the bridge of its nose as smoothly as she could. In one fast motion, she sunk her blades into its wide eyes.

Warm blood splattered everywhere. It hit her face, drowned her in its heat and discoloured her uniform. Steam rose up immediately, as if it was barely contained in the titan’s body until a sharp cut paved a way for its escape. 

Esther, on instinct, turned her face away from the scorching heat. With her eyes forcefully shut and teeth clenched, she heard a loud groan leave its mouth; felt it feebly sway on its feet. 

Ruth was dropped from its grasp, almost painfully hitting the ground before Tom caught her in the air and carried her shaken body to the safety of the rooftop.

Esther quickly detached her blades, not bothering to pull them out in her hurried state. Her world was swaying, moving with the titan beneath her and rendering her dizzy. She could see a movement on her right as the titan raised its intact hand to cover its bleeding eyes.

With her breath getting caught in her throat, Esther immediately backed away and jumped off, resulting in the titan missing her by a mere second.

The blood that engulfed her slowly evaporated with a hiss as she threw herself onto a separate roof, watching the eight-meter titan look around aimlessly. Steam was rising from its body, the healing process already underway, and it still had one hand. However, it was blind, and the intact hand was occupied with the gruesome injury. Jean’s chances of killing it was higher than before. It wouldn’t be able to see him, wouldn’t be able to track him with its dead yet attentive eyes.

Esther sat on the roof on her knees, catching her breath and watching in anticipation as Jean circled the titan, gaining momentum before giving himself a brisk pull. His sufficient gas usage helped him safely accelerate. With a powerful sweep attack, he gave its nape a deep cut with a sharp cry.

The titan, now defeated, fell to the ground with a heavy thud and left Squad 33 breathless with palpitating hearts, with shaking hands and relieved sighs.

Jean landed next to her, almost falling onto his trembling knees from the overstimulating adrenaline.

“We did it,” He breathed out, almost in disbelief. His hands were resting on his knees as he waited for the unrest in his chest that spread all over his body like wildfire to smother. 

His eyes went from the steaming body of the titan to his squad members on the roof across from him. Daz and Tom were asking Ruth if she was alright, and she looked far from alright. Esther could see the tears in her eyes even from another rooftop.

“Yeah, we did.” Esther felt her muscles relax slightly. Breathing got just a little easier of a task to perform, and her hearing was slowly coming back to her. “I told you we’d survive.” 

“It’s not over yet.” Jean straightened up, making his way over to the other side to check on Ruth.

Esther stood up, still shaken up, and attached her devices to a new pair of blades. She found it in herself to feel a sense of accomplishment, to feel proud of herself as steam rose from in between the two buildings. It was Jean who took down the titan, but she helped him do it. She lost two unscathed blades, but she was useful. 

She looked down at the carcass as her pride mixed with her anxiety. Something heavy was resting on her shoulders, hurting her back. 

One down, she sighed. And more to come.

༻✿༺

“That wasn’t too bad, right?” Tom said when they began to proceed cautiously.

After making sure that Ruth was able to continue, Jean suggested walking on the rooftops for a while instead of flying blindly as they entered a more dangerous territory. They were alarmingly close to the vanguard. 

“That’s because you didn’t do anything!” Daz antagonised. Tips of his blades were rendered blunt by his previous cut. 

Esther stared at the weapon as she followed behind the group, her steps slowing down unintentionally. 

Something was pulling her, telling her to wait. There was a string attached to her mind, invisible yet powerful. It begged her to look behind her, a familiar feeling she would get ever since the day she stood right next to Eren on her very first day as a cadet.

She listened to it and paused, glancing over her shoulder at the distance they’d traveled. The headquarters was getting smaller, and they were out of the limited area of safety the moment they encountered their first titan. 

Eren’s squad must’ve deployed already, she presumed. It had been a while. He must’ve started fighting already. 

“Esther, keep up.” Jean called from his position at the front.

Esther sighed, following him reluctantly. The dark clouds were over their heads, the sun had run away. It was almost like the weather was affecting her, forcing her to value her doubts and worst case scenarios more than anything. 

She couldn’t help it. Eren was headstrong and impulsive. Whereas she panicked in a dangerous situation and waited for an opening, Eren acted without thinking too much. He was fighting the Colossal Titan of all things only a short hour ago, all by himself. 

This was hazardous terrain. This was where he would face the enemies he fostered a passionate hatred for. And this was where she felt the hunger of her own worry, slowly eating away at her sanity. The titan they recently encountered didn’t help ease her fears in any way, and furiously fuelled them instead, until her whole body was on fire.

“We should wait.” She stopped walking, and made her squad halt in confusion. 

The invisible pull got stronger the further she went, and the pressure was pressing against the logical part of her brain, which wasn’t too large to begin with.

“For what?” Jean asked.

“For Eren’s squad. They were supposed to be right behind us.” She averted her eyes, feeling guilty for putting her own selfish desires on her team, but she couldn’t help that either. The painful pulse on her temples was more prominent, more important and the urge to yield to it was louder than anything.

Jean stared at her, a brow raised in bewilderment before he closed the gap between them. His boots were resounding against the clay tiles, and Esther looked to the side as they got louder.

“What are you talking about? This is not the time nor the place.” He said, his voice carrying a warning undertone.

Esther anxiously fiddled with her devices. 

“It would be better if we had more manpower. Strength in numbers, right?” She suggested weakly. 

Jean’s unconvinced frown was not a surprise.

“No. Titans are attracted to big groups of people, we’d be signing our own death warrant.” He turned back around to continue on his way, but not before sending her a stern glare. “We’re not waiting for another squad.”

Esther’s feet were glued to the ground. Her bones felt heavy, her muscles stiff. She wanted to wait. The thought of abandoning him into the hands of faith rendered her despondent.

Still, she forced herself to take a step forward, and then another one. The third step gifted her a headache, and the fourth made her grimace.

The roof tiles were uneven beneath her boots. Her muscles were already aching, making her limbs tremble uncontrollably as her emotions ripped her apart, piece by piece.

She was never able to understand what was happening inside of her head, let alone her chest. She never figured out how to untie the string that would pull her from place to place, always making her end up a step behind Eren. She couldn’t pinpoint when it began exactly, but it was getting too tight for her to ignore.

A shaky breath left her parted lips, and her braids flew back with the wind. It came and it left, traversing Trost in the form of a thin whistle.

Esther couldn’t understand why, but she didn’t want to follow Jean. It didn’t feel the same, it was unnatural.

She paused again, standing at a fork in the road, conflicted by her non-options. Her frown was hostile against her logic, it was the words her heart couldn’t speak. 

The clouds advanced a little faster, turned a little darker, and the wind grazed her ears ever so gently; bringing the whisper of her name and the voice she yearned to hear. 

Esther, it said suddenly. He said. And Esther froze. 

She froze and she felt a shiver run down her spine. She froze and she felt her heart stop for a short second. She froze, and she wanted to hear it again.

With her head raised attentively, her widened pupils stared at Jean’s withdrawing back. He wasn’t reacting to her name being called out of nowhere. He wasn’t affected by it, and neither were her other squad members.

Esther. Esther. Esther. A vulnerable flow on repeat, surrounded by walls and no open shore to escape to. He called again and again, and she was being crushed beneath the overwhelming force. 

She raised a hand and helplessly touched her temple, the blade edge was cold against the skin of her face. Her eyebrows were curved, and her eyes were burning. A voice that didn’t belong to her echoed in her head, suppressed her own voice; shouted and yelled and made her whimper.

“What?” She found herself whispering. 

Silence. Nothing but a fading echo of her name.

Powerless and cut off from her own thoughts, she turned around and stared at the way they came from. The headquarters looked smaller than ever. For a reason unknown to her, she felt hot. The wind did its best to keep her cool, but her skin was on fire.

Esther never understood. Esther never questioned, and Esther never dwelled on the fact that there had always been a voice inside of her head that didn’t belong to her. She never followed the unclear footprints of her curiosity, and she always let it slide when it happened. What a foolish thing to do, ignoring something that didn’t feel anything but a natural part of her being.

How could Eren be talking to her? She never asked. How could he make his thoughts her own without even asking her first? It didn’t matter, because she let him take over her without putting up a defensive fight in the first place. It was like she’d been waiting, drunk on unconsciousness without having a way to get up on her own. A void in her head had been waiting to be filled by all that he was.

“What is it?” She asked again, louder and desperate. 

Jean paused at the sound of her voice, and looked over his shoulder.

Esther, He cried again, and Esther wanted to cry with him. I don’t want to die, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I promise you, I won’t die here! I won’t die until-!

A distant thunder sounded from far away, and the first bead of rain was dropped on her face. It slid down her cheek, cold and slow, and merged with a single tear that fell from her eye. 

The numbness of her mind dissipated, and her heartbeat got a little louder just then. Her ears rang with footsteps from far away, and her body shook as Jean placed a hand on her shoulder; forcefully turning her around.

“What the hell are you doing?” He asked, an irritated frown on his face. It relaxed a little when he noticed the dampness below her eye, and his expression twitched into confusion.

“We need to go.” He urged, watching her wipe her cheek with a sniff. “The vanguard is- Hey! Where are you going?”

Esther turned back around and walked away with a determined frown, her intentions following close behind and encouraging her with firm footsteps; a stark contrast to her wobbly legs.

“I’m going to find Eren.” Her explanation was brief, but it was more than enough. The Special Colossal Titan Strategy was suddenly dropped from her list of priorities, and she wasn’t surprised to realise that it wasn’t up there in the first place.

Jean, however, had a hard time agreeing with her.

“Are you out of your mind!?” He caught up to her unsteady steps with ease. 

The fingers caging around her elbow made her come to a halt. It irritated her. It rendered her impatient. But it also made her come down to earth, despite her protests, and it made her feel the drizzle stroke her forehead; calming her ever so slightly.

“No, I just want to make sure he’s okay. That’s all.” She looked at the town that hid Eren from her sight. Dark clouds were doing their best to prevent the sunlight from guiding her.

She felt a little tired, and a little out of it. Her voice wasn’t too loud, and Jean couldn’t see anything worthwhile on her face that could convince him, let alone make him follow her into a pit of uncertainty.

“You don’t even know where he is! You can’t find him, you idiot! We’re here to follow the orders, not to go off on our own!”

“You’re free to join the vanguard. Just let me go, that’s all I ask.” Esther gave a weak attempt to pull her arm from his grasp. He didn’t budge.

“What’s wrong with you? You were just telling me we would help each other out-”

“Then help me!” Esther exclaimed, out of patience and composure. Not that she had any to begin with, but she was slowly spiralling out of control. 

The silence in her mind was maddening. Why was it so quiet? Where did her own thoughts go? She couldn’t think properly. The lure was nothing but instinctive, and her emotional state did nothing but reinforce it. It drowned and crushed her voice, prevented her from seeing logic. One word from his mouth, one apology and her name, and she was already an irredeemable mess.

The string squeezed her, urged her and pulled her into the other direction. 

I know, she wanted to say, to reassure. I feel you.

“Jean,” She turned to him, determined to free herself from the prison of his clutch. “I heard him. I swear I did. He can’t be far.” 

“You heard him.” He repeated in a low murmur, disbelieving.

“Yes! I-” She was interrupted by the uninvited zipping of wires. 

Someone landed on the roof right behind her and rattled the tiles. 

Startled, Esther looked over her shoulder to see Reiner just as he was straightening his back, fresh blades ready and sharp in his hands.

“What’s going on? Why are you guys just standing there?” He questioned with a concentrated frown on his hardened face.

“Reiner!” Jean sounded relieved. “Talk some sense into this dimwit!”

Esther didn’t feel any difficulty dismissing Jean’s insult. She felt a sudden surge of hope at Reiner’s appearance. He was close with Eren, he would most definitely help her. He would search with her, and he would not let her get herself caught in the trap of a titan’s hold. 

“Reiner, have you seen Eren?” She asked, yanking her arm out of Jean’s fingers with whatever strength she had left. 

Jean let her go, trusting Reiner to keep her in line.

Bertholdt and Annie landed nearby as Reiner pondered over her question. 

“Eren? No, his squad was supposed to leave right after you. Why? What’s going on?” 

“She’s lost her mind, that’s what!” Jean scowled, sending glares at the back of her head. She paid him no mind.

“Reiner, help me find him. I heard his voice, I swear! I-” The words got stuck in her throat. 

I can feel him, she wanted to say, but the presence of everyone around her suddenly got overwhelming.

Her own squad was still shaken up from their recent struggle with a titan. Jean was focused on following orders and getting out of Trost as soon as possible, and Reiner wasn’t much different. His stare was intense, and the questions swimming in them stuffed the words right back into her mouth. Bertholdt’s eyes were wide and nervous, Esther could see him from her peripheral vision, and Annie was sending her short glances all the while keeping an eye on the perimeter for any potential threats lurking around. 

No one believes me, she realised in defeat. I’m on my own, again.

“I’m not lying,” She whispered, almost to herself. 

She wanted to acknowledge whatever emotional tempest was climbing up her throat, and then shout at everyone around her that she was not making this up. She hadn’t lost her mind, she did hear him. He called her name, he apologised to her, he promised her. 

I’m not lying, She wanted to shout at them, but only went as far as convincing her own self. 

“Of course not.” Reiner forced a strained smile. “You’re just shaken up. It’s expected out here.”

Jean caught the short glances he was sending him, silent words trying to make their way through meaningful expressions. 

“Right.” He agreed unsurely, watching Reiner carefully approach Esther.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure he’s fine-” He placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, but she yanked herself from him like she’d been burnt by his touch. 

A ferocious frown appeared on her face, and she looked upset. Seeing the situation from her comrades’ eyes was impossible, especially since the boiling of desperation was forming mist in her view. Especially since her head was starting to throb the longer she stood around, idling and doing absolutely nothing.

“I’m not lying,” Esther repeated. Her lips were parted and closed countless times, but the same words were all she could think of saying. 

With determined steps, she approached the roof’s edge and before anyone could react, she jumped off.

“Are you kidding me!?” Jean’s exasperated voice chased her as she grappled onto a nearby building and doubled back fast. His hand was a second too late to reach her, and an irritated twitch turned his surprised expression into a scowl.

“Jean, take your squad and join the vanguard! Bertholdt, Annie, with me!” Reiner boomed, immediately jumping after Esther. No hesitation, no questions asked, just a disbelieving front that was now etched onto Jean’s face.

“Stop following her!” Daz’s voice was heard far behind. “She’ll get all of you killed!”

It was a last ditch effort to warn them, a desperate form of deterrence, but no one yielded to its hopeless hold. The zipping of their wires was the legacy of their long gone presence.

Reiner tried to catch up to Esther without using too much gas, which was what she was doing so carelessly. 

“What is she doing?” Bertholdt asked, only a short distance behind Reiner. His eyes were wide in anxious anticipation as they followed her into the unknown.

“I don’t know,” Reiner murmured, his narrow eyes never losing sight of Esther. 

She landed on a roof not too far from the headquarters and took a sharp turn to the left, avoiding the large building altogether.

Her feet carried her, her boots acting as weightless feathers as she ran on the tiles. They chattered with the force of the wind and her desperation. The shop stand canvases in the street flapped with the wind, as strong as her determination as she swatted Jean’s hand away, as she pulled herself away from Reiner’s touch, and as she went on a rash search in unholy grounds.

She didn’t understand. Her nose was runny. There was a tear waiting for its turn, stabbing and burning her eye.

“Esther!” Reiner tried again. His footsteps hurried after her, and the rest of his group followed with nowhere else to go. “Wait!”

“No,” She sniffed. She was breathless as her feet touched nothing but unreliable air again. Her lungs were burning, and her heart might as well have stopped from pumping blood without a pause. 

She grappled onto an abandoned apartment block and let the wires carry her nonetheless.

She didn’t understand. She didn’t understand why Eren muttered her name over and over again. She didn’t understand the reason for his cries, and the reason why even her own tears followed him like every inch of her will.

Her mind was acting on its own without thinking, and her body somehow had a purpose of its own, a reason unknown to her. Why? Why did she feel hot, so hot that her skin almost caught on fire? Something in her felt so hot that her emotions melted into tears as she flew on.

Buildings passed by without making a sound, without unleashing a hidden danger on her as she flied and searched and let the invisible string guide her. It felt honest, and trustworthy. It seemed like it knew the place like the back of its hand, and the route was already marked years before she arrived at that point in time. Like it had been patiently waiting for her.

“No,” She repeated again. She repeated as even the wind tried to push her back, and she repeated as the same words from before echoed and echoed in her head like a nightmare she couldn’t wake up from.

I don’t want to die. I’m sorry, it stabbed the shield of her mind and senses. And all she could form was a helpless no.

“No.” She repeated and repeated. “Don’t say sorry. I don’t want you to die, either!”

She hoped Eren could hear her. She hoped the rain could make a path for her voice, and she hoped the wind could whisper her words to him. She hoped he wouldn’t leave her all alone like everyone else; hanging onto yet another empty promise. 

Esther clumsily paused on a lower roof, suddenly all the remaining energy abandoning her body. Her canisters clanked as she fell onto her knees; feeling the raw edges of the tiles dig into her boots and pants, into her skin. Her blades and its wires fell in coiled waves, her arms hanging limp and her head falling forward in defeat.

What was this feeling? This absolute pain and unexplainable horror for something she couldn’t even see. A sudden emptiness, numbness in her brain like a chord had been cut off with the very blades right in front of her. A blurry vision and tears for a loss that didn’t happen. Yet.

“I don’t know where you are.” The whisper left her parted lips in devastation, because the intent of her silent thoughts seemed lost to her just then. 

I don’t feel you, where are you? Her voice desperately tried to climb to the surface. It was silent, however, and the words drowned in the void helplessly.

She heard the rough sound of her pursuers landing seconds after her, approaching with questions ready at the tip of their tongues. Their footsteps matched the rhythm of her heartbeat, now violently rocking her skull in blast waves.

Reiner stopped by her side, leaning on his knees to catch his breath and to see her face better. His attempt was futile, the loose strands of her hair were in a mess as they hid her defeated face.

“Explain what’s going on. You can’t just bolt on your own, we’re in titan territory!” He scolded, but Esther didn’t even flinch.

She didn’t spare him a glance. She didn’t raise her head. A teardrop fell onto the cottage red, rendering the tile darker and getting lost in the crowd of raindrops as they flowed through the patterns of her braids. Steam was rising somewhere in the near distance. The sight of them was getting more and more frequent.

“Eren called my name. I heard him.” Esther murmured, and didn’t dwell on the fact that she sounded insane. 

She didn’t understand it herself, she wasn’t expecting Reiner to offer her consideration. In fact, a sharp intake of breath was what she assumed would happen. It would’ve been short and fitting for the confused rise of his eyebrows, but it did not arrive. 

“No, you didn’t.” He denied instead. He straightened up, squared his shoulders and stepped right in front of her. 

Her eyes landed on his boots, and she had no choice but to look up in puzzlement.

“You’re just shaken up,” He repeated firmly. “And you’re in no shape to fight, you should retreat.”

A frown appeared on her face, a stark contrast to her tear streaked face. Her eyes were wide, and her lips parted. She stared at him like she wanted to say the most vital information she could utter, and her eyebrows were furrowed as if to challenge him; to dare him to stand in her way.

“No.” She said instead, as if that was the only word she could generate. 

Reiner’s eyebrow visibly twitched as his frown deepened.

“It’s not up to you. Our comrades are fighting, and civilians are trying to evacuate as we speak. There is no time to waste.”

As if on cue, a shrill scream tore the sky open. No matter how far away, the terror behind it was enough to overpower the thunder that struck the air a short moment earlier. It drowned everything else, and it was cut off faster than a pair of scissors could snip. 

Esther’s eyes widened as she listened, waiting for what would follow without moving a muscle. Maybe she was filled with anxiety and sorrow for a potentially lost soul. Maybe it was just Reiner’s steadfast commitment to getting her out of this place, because she wasn’t sure how she could convince him. She didn’t know how to tell him that there always had been a voice in her head, ever since she was a child. A domineering presence in the middle of her memories for as long she could remember, so obvious that her conscious thought of it as a natural presence. So clear and out in the open that she never saw it. 

Her eyes were frenzied when Reiner took a step forward, sheathing one of his blades and holstering his device before attempting to reach for her. 

“I’ll take you back.” He said as Esther’s body turned frigid, almost like an unpleasant memory was sending cold waves through her spine.

“No.” Annie spoke unexpectedly, halting him. “I’ll do it.”

Her voice came from behind her. Her words were soft, and her tone breathy. Esther turned her head slowly and looked at Annie over her shoulder. 

She was standing tall, a hand casually resting on her belt as if she was bored; disinterested in the whole ordeal. 

Her blue eyes did no more than glancing at her for a short second.

“There’s no need.” Reiner refused, a strange strain in his voice. His hand hung in the air.

“There is, actually.” Annie turned to fully face him, lowering her hand. “She’ll come with me without a fight. Isn’t that right, Esther?” 

Esther frowned in confusion, and evaluated the question that was directed at her without meaningful eye contact. 

Annie stared at Reiner with words untold, and her relaxed eyebrows were knowing of the answer Esther would give.

“Yeah,” Esther breathed out, and turned forward to face Reiner’s lowering hand. 

His eyes traveled between her and Annie, evaluating and carefully assessing. Something unpleasant was swimming in the shadows in his eyes.

“Alright. Take her to the gate and find us right after.” He commanded, equipping his device once again. 

Annie gave a dismissive nod, and didn’t move until he was off to the vanguard with Bertholdt in his tow. 

Esther stared at their withdrawing figures until they disappeared behind the abandoned bricks of peril. 

“Annie,” She lowered her gaze. The tiles were now a deep maroon colour. “You’re helping me, aren’t you?”

Annie looked down at Esther’s fallen form, tips of her blades touching the wet surface. 

“Not really. He just annoys the shit out of me. I’m taking you back to the gate regardless, don’t expect anything else.” She replied, lifting her hood to protect her hair and eyes from the rain. 

Esther raised her gaze then, her eyebrows quirking in a show of displeasure. She grabbed her blades and pushed herself to her feet. Dark spots appeared in her vision for a split second.

“The punishment for desertion is death.” Esther reminded, not that there was any need for it. The hurried yet assertive voices of their superiors were loud and clear back at the headquarters. It was on repeat as they geared up for their first ever battle, and it somehow sounded like a desperate plea to keep the unsuspecting cadets in line. Either die by a blade or by sharp teeth. 

“You’re not deserting, you’re physically unable to fight. Come on.” Annie moved towards the edge of the roof, facing the headquarters.

Esther, despite saying she’d follow her without a fight, had difficulty moving. It didn’t feel right. The path drawn out with Annie’s footsteps wasn’t successful enough to persuade her.

“But what about Eren?” She asked with a vulnerability to her voice. A helpless plea that was silent, a hopeless cry for support.

“What about him?” Annie paused, looking at her over her shoulder. “He chose to be here. Whatever happens to him is not your concern.” 

Esther’s lips twitched in disbelief, eyebrows rising and teeth parting. Wind gained speed and force, and a window left ajar slammed against the wall in the distance; acting as a full stop to Annie’s unmelodious words.

Esther disagreed. The numbness in her head and the legacy of her throbbing nerves argued violently. 

Eren was her concern. He made himself her concern some time along the way, and he sealed the lid with a promise. He said he wouldn’t die, and he told her he’d be right behind her. They were going to celebrate with the pastry in her pocket, and they were going to leave these walls together. He made her thoughts revolve around him with enough force and frequency that they belonged to him now, and he was nothing if not her concern. 

“You’re wrong.” Esther mumbled, her fingers tightening around the triggers. She didn’t elaborate, because that was all it was. Annie was wrong, simple and straightforward enough that anyone could understand the meaning behind.

She approached her and kept her word to a degree. She didn’t put up a fight and let Annie lead her away from the isolated rooftop towards the rear guard, and she did it all with her incompetent coordination; suddenly left in shambles upon feeling Eren right in the centre of her head. Even now, even when he was silent and gone, she couldn’t gather herself.

Annie was right, and so was Reiner. She was in no shape to fight, she could barely use her grapnels without stumbling. If it wasn’t for Annie marking the path for her with cracks in the walls, Esther wouldn’t know where to go. 

She dared to spare a glance, to look around for a clue. Something that had the power to attract her attention, to wake her up and to give her strength back.

Where are you? She asked with no one to answer her. Where are you? Where? Say my name again, so I can hear your voice. So I know you’re still there.

“Three-metre class on our right. Let’s not engage.” Annie announced, her unbothered tone blowing Esther’s thoughts away. 

Esther looked down to her right as her wires pulled her in Annie’s direction. They were flying by a smaller titan compared to the one she’d eliminated with her squad. It seemed harmless from up above as it aimlessly ran around with its hands reached out. The sharp teeth that were displayed in an unnatural smile, however, told another story. 

“They made it this far already?” Esther wondered, concern appearing on her face. 

“It might’ve sneaked past through the alleys since it’s smaller. I’ll deal with it once you retreat.” Annie reassured.

Esther looked away from the titan with wind in her hair, with raindrops exploring the twists of her braids, and with her vision getting blocked by a memory at the sight of the unblinking giant. It carried her fifteen meters into the sky, and showed her the district of Trost from far away. 

Heavy footsteps shook the ground with force, sight switching from corner to corner in search of something; of the presence of a foe, the taste of iron and the feel of burning steam. 

Fight, echoed a gurgling voice. Fight, and kill. Destroy more of them. All of them. 

Esther blinked when her vision returned as quickly as it slipped away. It was so sudden and completely out of the blue. It was so unexpected that her distractedly fired hook missed its target, whizzing past the brick wall and hitting a nearby window instead; shattering the glass into pieces. 

A surprised yelp left her mouth as she lost her footing in the air, and she fell; weightless. 

The cobblestones weren’t welcoming. They sent a jolting pain to her knees and her elbows upon the impact, disregarding her last ditch attempts at protecting herself. Her scabbards swayed with the force of her landing, her canisters clanking and attracting the three-meter’s attention.

Esther, unable to move, stared at the ground. Her eyes were locked on the uneven placements of the stones, and on her blades that left scratches on the surface to mark her spot. 

What-? Her mind attempted to generate a question, desperate and confused. What is happening?

There were footsteps behind her, rapid and loud enough to attract her attention, but she had difficulty fixing her hold on her weapons. She had difficulty checking her breathing pattern, keeping her palpitating heart and nerves in control.

“Why?” Esther whimpered to herself as she forced her legs to move. She ignored the pain in her palms and pushed herself up, her impacted kneecaps protesting in discomfort. “Why? Why?” 

It was a brief yet broad question that covered the entirety of the turmoil in her head, in her chest and in each road of her veins. There was no answer, however, and all she had was the blades in her hands and an approaching danger in the direction of her waving braids. 

She stumbled a short distance before turning around, readying her blades. It was big, most definitely bigger than her, and most definitely a giant; but it was manageable. Three meters were nowhere near the height and size of the titan they felled before the rainfall. She could do this. She could fight, and she could kill without even wasting a whistle of her gas. She only had to gather herself, to gather her thoughts and to sort out her goals; to ignore the cold sweat forming on the skin of her neck, her back and her temples.

“Why?” Esther choked out once again, watching the titan run closer and closer. Its eyes were widened almost in excitement, teeth parting and showing her where she would end up if she were to fail. “Why? Why is this happening now?”

It was a mantra that slowly turned into nothing but a puff of air, gently touching her dried lips on its way out.

The titan reached out its short arm, and Esther readied her finger on the trigger; about to give herself a boost to the side. 

Just as she was about to pull it, to switch to her wires, to circle the titan and to go for her first titan kill, Annie jumped into her vision from above and cut the three-meter’s nape in one powerful sweep. 

Esther paused as blood splattered everywhere, colouring the narrow alleyway in crimson before thin air claimed them in the form of rising steam. The carcass fell before Esther, its reached out hand resting an inch away from the tip of her boots. 

Dust rose in an aimless dance as Esther lowered her blades, her fingers relaxing and leaving the trigger. A relieved breath of air left her parted lips, and she looked down with her half-lidded eyes as a drop of sweat rolled down her spine.

“Focus.” Annie landed nearby with a disapproving frown. “This isn’t like you. Do you want to get yourself killed?” 

“No,” Esther replied with a quiet murmur. She raised a hand and wiped her forehead, feeling cold beneath her warm skin. 

“Then pull yourself together.” Annie demanded. “Did your gear take damage?” 

Esther sheathed her blades and checked her gear. There was a scratch on the side of her left scabbard, irritating to look at, but no other sign of physical damage. Her hands were acting on their own as she inspected her belts and the attachments of her gear and scabbards. Her gas canisters were half empty, but they would be enough to get her to the headquarters. She could replenish and retreat to the inner gate like Reiner wanted her to.

“No, it’s operational.” She reported after testing her devices and triggers. Her voice was empty of emotion, and her mind was still stuck in a memory that wasn’t her own. 

Why? She asked again. She begged and demanded. Was that Eren’s voice that she heard just now? She didn’t know what to do, who to ask. Annie wouldn’t believe her, she already made her and everyone else deem her incapable with her blind honesty. 

She didn’t understand the state of exhaustion that was taking over her as a whole. She barely even fought, why was she so tired? So uncoordinated and unaware of her own surroundings? None of this made any sense, so why was her mind taking it so willingly; eager enough to fight against the force of her body?

“Let’s go, then. We’re almost at the headquarters.” Annie walked past her, briskly studying her pale face.

Esther followed Annie. The reluctant part of her was still present, but too tired to yell and cry, to kick its feet like a little child. 

Annie declared that walking on the ground was dangerous and an idiotic way to get killed, and forced Esther to switch to the manoeuvre gear. They proceeded carefully, and slowed their pace down when they reached the wide street leading to the headquarters’ entrance. 

The indoors were quieter than it was almost an hour ago. All squads were deployed, and only the suppliers were remaining inside, busy with preparing fresh blades and carrying filled canisters from the basement. 

Annie asked around for a superior, a high ranking Garrison member. A passing cadet pointed at the stairs leading down to the basement, and Annie all but dragged Esther there. 

Torches illuminated the lower floor, shadows eerily dancing on the walls and the floor. The light was dimmer, warmer and almost enough to land a comforting touch on Esther’s face. All gas stations were occupied, and the wide area was more crowded than the upper floors. The confined space clogged her nostrils, the scent of sweat and lack of fresh air making her dizzy.

They heard a commotion as soon as they stepped in the double doors, coming face to face with a gathered group of cadets. 

Kitz Woermann, the captain of the Garrison’s 1st Division Elite Forces, was the direct target of the desperate eyes of the soldiers. 

“Please, Captain!” One of them brought her hands together, pleading. “If you leave, we won’t be able to defend this place on our own!” 

“Yes, please stay!” Another added, taking a desperate step forward. 

Esther came to a pause right behind Annie, watching the sunken eyes of the captain. They were wide and nervous, and his laced hands didn’t radiate authority like Keith Shadis would. 

“Out of my way.” He commanded, his face displaying a pronounced scowl. “I need to attend the support teams immediately.”

“Behind the safety of the inner gate?” One of the boys questioned, and Kitz’s frown deepened; accompanying his wide eyes in an intimidating manner. 

“Open your mouth once again, and I will consider your next words treason!” He threatened, raising his taut voice to the level of screeching. “I will punish you-!”

“Captain,” Annie interrupted calmly, taking a step forward and drawing the attention to herself. “My comrade here is in a bad state. She saw her friends get eaten, she’s having hallucinations as a result. She’s unable to fight. Permission to retreat, sir?”

Esther sent a nervous side eye in Annie’s direction, her hands fiddling with her belt. 

She felt the captain’s eyes on her, his arguments and threats dying on his tongue. The sizzling of the torches on each side of the doors were the only sound in the room for a short while, and Kitz looked like he wanted to antagonise for a brief moment, like he wanted to yell at them and forbid them to flee the battle, before the opportunity blinked at him like a rare diamond. 

He raised his chin with a deep breath, appearing collected. 

“Well done bringing your comrade here safely, soldier.” He approved, surprising everyone around him; except for Annie. “I shall make sure to escort her to the inner wall at once. You go back to the battlefield and fulfil your duty!”

“Yes, sir.” Annie saluted him, her face not giving anything away. Not the lie that slithered right through her teeth, and not the opportunity to escape to the safety of Rose that she presented to him on a silver platter. 

“Right, then. Replenish and follow me, we can’t waste any time.” Kitz ordered, walking past the cadets that were eager yet hesitant to protest. 

Esther didn’t obey right away. Instead, she turned to face Annie, whose face was stoic and void of emotion.

Esther’s was the complete opposite. There was a curve to her eyebrows, tired and upset about a lot of things. Her bottom lip got caught in the trap of her teeth occasionally, and her eyes were questioning. 

“Why?” She asked like she’d been doing for the past few minutes.

“Why what?” Annie raised a brow. 

“Why do you bother making sure I get to safety? I chose to be here. Whatever happens to me shouldn’t be your concern.” Esther reminded her of the words she spoke on the rooftop, and a shade of surprise coloured Annie’s face. 

It was faint, barely noticeable, but Esther could see. She spent her childhood memorising every single fraction of emotion that had managed to crack Levi’s deadpan expression. She could see that Annie wasn’t pleased to be given the taste of her own medicine. 

“Who knows?” She sighed eventually, and the answer did a poor job at satisfying Esther. “Go. I’ll report back to Reiner. If we’re unlucky enough, we’ll see each other later. Hopefully before dinner, though.”

Without giving Esther a chance to interrogate more, or even worse, beg her to make sure Eren was safe and sound; Annie left her side and disappeared behind the tall columns. 

A frustrated sigh flared Esther’s nostrils, and she followed Captain Kitz out without being given the chance to replenish her gas.

“Hopefully before dinner,” She repeated under her breath on her way out.

Chapter Text

Death had always been an obstacle that Esther couldn’t figure out a way around. Her memory was strong, she could remember quite a lot about her childhood; as far as she was able to. 

Her first clear memory was her mother’s death. Everything before that was snippets in an unclean mist. It seemed that even she was capable of forgetting the life she once had.

Esther struggled to recall her mother’s face, the colour of her eyes. Her voice was a distant echo as it sang an old lullaby; words barely comprehensible. She remembered her hair, however. It was black, so dark that when merged with her own blood on uneven cobblestones, Esther was barely able to tell them apart. 

She didn’t understand it at the time, why death came for her, and she never managed to figure it out later in life either. She didn’t understand why she always thought of her mother when death was lingering nearby. Maybe it was what dying felt like; growing up a child without her mother’s love, living to watch the only person she’d ever known bleed to death. Being born innocent, but being stained by a cruel knowledge; that the one who gave life to her died because of her. She’d heard it from her mother’s cold lips as her soul slipped away in a gurgling flood. 

The fear of death had always been present in her heart, and it was just as confusing. 

Where did souls go when their bodies were asleep and no longer accepting of them? Why was it scary, so scary, and cruelly mocking enough to carry Eren’s tears to her through the wind?

Esther couldn’t find an answer. She wasn’t able to think properly, not even when the calming breeze was lending her skin a gentle touch.

Inside Wall Rose, just near the gate to Trost District, the sun shone a little brighter. Rain stopped its assault an agonisingly long time ago, and so did Esther’s uncontrollable tears that would make themselves known unannounced. 

There were no heavy footsteps rattling the windows and shaking the ground, and rising steam was only visible if one stood atop the high walls behind Esther. Danger had been successfully kept outside as the citizens evacuated, and it had been a while since Esther heard the closing sound of the heavy gate.

The small marketplace, located just near the gate, was now converted into a temporary supply base and a field hospital. She sat on a crate, where Captain Kitz had ditched her without a word, with a blanket sprawled over her shoulders and a canteen of water in her hands; perspiration on her palms as she waited anxiously. 

I shouldn’t be here, she repeated to herself a thousand times. I should be fighting. I should be looking for Eren, he’s been so quiet.

Esther felt useless, and it was as frustrating as it was familiar. 

She lost count of how many cadets had been carried inside with injuries, lost limbs and blood covering their faces. 

She felt helpless. Her nails left their marks on the canvas of her canteen already, and Eren’s presence wasn’t there to calm her thoughts, to quieten her inside voice, to rip it away from her and to give her some peace of mind.

She turned her back to the world at one point, lifted her blanket over her head and stopped paying attention to how many of the soldiers had unmoving chests. The snug fabric’s warmth reached an uncomfortable level when combined with the bandana around her neck, but she couldn’t let go of the darkness it provided now. She couldn’t face the results of a battle she ran away from.

The loud ringing of the bell had announced the relieving news of a temporary withdrawal around an hour ago, maybe even longer than that. The majority of the soldiers never walked through the now sealed gate, nor flew over the walls. Esther kept her eyes on the stone barriers and the bright sky long enough to give herself a headache. She waited patiently for a sign of Eren, her eyes desperately searching for his dishevelled hair and concentrated frown up in the clouds. She waited for him to walk up to her, to grab her shoulder and ask her what she was doing behind the wall, to be disappointed in her.

It wouldn’t matter, because she would be happy to see him alive and well. And it didn’t matter now, because he was nowhere to be seen, and her mind was already rid of the echoes he left in his wake.

She had difficulty leaving the comfort of her blanket; facing the unwanted, unneeded news when her mind was in shambles.

She let her head rest against the wall on her side and closed her eyes.

“One, two, three, four…” Esther started counting, sounds of signal flares being shot on the other side of the wall accompanying her.

Dogs were barking in the distance, and an injured soldier cried out not too far away beneath the canvas of a stand. A field medic must’ve applied pressure on their wound.

“Ten, eleven, twelve…” She continued, breathing out the numbers and forcing herself underneath the earth; beyond the pillars of soil and on a couch with the light of an oil lamp reaching her from a safe distance. She tried so desperately to trap herself in her safe place. And if she counted long enough, maybe her mind would fall asleep and catch a break from this never ending nightmare of a day. Levi had told her so.

The revolting smell of death and blood was inviting flies. They flew past where Esther was curled up, whizzing and disappearing to where agony was.

“Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen-” A hand suddenly grabbed her shoulder, firm and heavy. 

Esther came to a jolting halt and raised her head, the sunlight attacking her squinted eyes mercilessly.

“Counting your days?” Jean asked out of nowhere, and Esther immediately set herself free from the blanket.

“Jean! Where have you been? The bell was rung an hour ago!” She questioned, her worry apparent in her breathless voice as she sat up. 

It seemed like her restlessness finally found an opening, and her pent up distress began to pour out at the sight of a familiar face.

Jean dropped his hand with a scoff. He yanked the canteen from Esther’s fidgeting hands and opened the lid, eagerly gulping down the water.

He looked exhausted. His hair was a mess, and so was his uniform. Dust and mud covered the fabric, embellished with cuts and harmless glass shards gathering in the folds of his jacket. His scabbards bore scratches and various stains, and his nerves were apparent in the beads of sweat that gathered on his temples, his neck and above his furrowed brows.

Esther forced herself to be patient as she waited for him to devour the liquid. Her fingers fiddled with the bandana around her neck, loosening it and letting the cool air touch her damp skin.

The canteen was eventually lowered from his mouth, and he released an exaggerated sigh. It was heavy, weighed down by an exhaustion that was different from what Esther had been feeling. 

“While you were busy being an absolute moron, I was out there watching our comrades die.” He spat, sitting down next to her. 

Esther averted her eyes with a frown that was directed at no one but herself. She looked down at her clean hands, and at Jean’s reddened ones. His skin was displaying a set of grazes, blood rushing to the surface and marking the spot of his injuries.

“I’m sorry.” She murmured, not knowing what else to say. She doubted there was anything else left to say, to excuse her selfish fears.

She never meant to abandon her comrades in the hands of danger, and she never meant to run away from battle like an incapable child she once was. 

It was just the strangling thread pulling her in all directions, the chains of worry and trepidation; the endless pit of nothingness that she’d been trying so hard to escape. It was the desperate call of her name, and her melting logic. Her faulty priorities that made complete sense in her mind. She couldn’t do anything to fight it. She had no idea what could’ve been done to make her see reason.

Her mind had the time to clear itself from the choking mist the moment she stepped away from Trost, and she started to breathe a little better. She’d reluctantly agreed with Reiner a long time ago, before she even made it to the gate. She was in no shape to fight. She had no control over her thoughts, let alone her own vision. 

Bringing that up to Jean, however, didn’t sound ideal or logical at the moment. He was carrying around an air of grief, and the burden of a battle recently fought. The guilt of survival, heavy on his slouched shoulders. 

It didn’t make her feel any better, and waking up to a logical realisation was not enough to earn her a pittance of forgiveness.

Jean didn’t give her a reply. His elbows were resting on his knees, his fingers clenching the canvas of the canteen, and his frown seemed permanent. It wasn’t furious or annoyed, it was simply and undeniably tired. 

“Did- Did anyone from our squad-?” Esther tried to ask, but found herself unable to finish the question. She already felt ashamed without an answer, and way too guilty.

Jean was a few seconds late to address her indication.

“Daz is alive.” He revealed eventually, and Esther found it hard to gulp the unannounced news of death down. 

Warmth hit her face in shockwaves, and her fingers curled into fists. She pressed them onto her knees, rubbed the sweat off of her skin and caused the fabric to irritate her knuckles. The unguarded faces of Ruth and Tom carved themselves in the centre of her most recent memories, never to be forgotten again. Her guilt buried them underneath the earth of her abandonment.

It was happening again. A scythe was cutting through her barely mended memories, and her own name was engraved on its bloody blade like the flowers on her knife. It would slash and destroy everything until it dug up her mother’s far off voice, reminding her that it was her fault, the same way that this was her fault. 

“I’m sorry,” She gasped out. “I’m so sorry-”

“Shut up,” Jean quickly interrupted, sending her a glare from the corner of his eye. “You would’ve gotten yourself killed out there anyway. I’m not saying I’m happy with what you’ve done, but I’m glad I didn’t have to look after a hysterical simpleton like you in that mess.” 

Esther bit down her bottom lip, drawing blood and pain to the surface. The shaky breath that escaped through the gaps let the unsaid words go free. 

If this was another time, if they were having dinner at the mess hall, she would’ve found herself generating arguments in her head. She would’ve scoffed and denied his words, saying she would’ve fought well and survived. 

But this wasn’t any other time, and Jean wasn’t degrading her mindlessly, nor was he mocking her. His shoulders were tense, and his voice wasn’t annoyed or dismissive. He was glad, for some reason, that she wasn’t there; that she didn’t have to die right in front of him in that brutal battle. And Esther understood, and drowned in thick remorse in excruciating silence; because she, too, was somehow glad that it wasn’t Jean who had died. That didn’t mean she wouldn’t blame herself in the slightest for what had befallen her squad members, but she managed to find consolation wherever she could.

The temporary base started to accommodate more people as cadets returned from Trost, but voices didn’t rise in relief and celebration. No one shouted in joy or patted a friend’s shoulder with a wide, victorious smile. Expressionless faces walked past, and if someone’s lips twitched or eyebrows moved, it was only to form into a sullen front; matching the ambiance of Jean and Esther’s wordless grief.

Jean watched her jump down from the crate as more and more people joined the comforting shadows beneath the marketplace canvases. Her eyes were sad, but hope was lingering somewhere in there.

She searched the faces approaching from the walls, her fingers anxiously laced together and eyebrows curved into vulnerability. Jean knew what she was doing before she even said a word about it. About him.

“Don’t bother looking for that maniac. You won’t find him here.” He said, and Esther stilled. 

She felt the blood in her veins freeze as the sensation rushed all the way up to her neck. His words, uttered so carelessly and without much thought, made her turn around slowly. 

“What does that mean?” She asked with the uneasy lift of her eyebrows. 

Jean averted his eyes, yet he didn’t look remorseful. The unsaid words didn’t make him gulp the nervous lump stuck in his throat, because it was never there in the first place. 

“Jean, what does that mean?” Esther insisted on an answer as she took a desperate step towards him.

She questioned and she wondered like she’d always do, and she worried. She waited anxiously and she made a list of all the worst case scenarios that would mercilessly break her heart, but her tone still found the courage to silently beg him not to feed any of them with an answer. The glistening eyes of hers told him, shouted at him to keep quiet; to let her cling onto her own reality for a little while longer, even if it was doomed to collapse sooner or later.

“Sit down,” Jean gestured at the spot she’d been occupying on the crate. “You’ll find out soon enough.”

Esther got confused, and slightly frustrated with his lack of engagement in her worries. Her lips parted and closed, trembled and twitched as she searched his eyes and looked for a hint in his insufficient explanations. It seemed she couldn’t run away from those answers she dreaded so much; it was the collar on her neck and chain around her ankles.

“What does that even mean?” She repeated, her voice gradually rising in volume. 

“It means exactly that. Just sit down.” Jean said, staring into her eyes with an even firmer voice. Esther showed no initiative to obey him.

She needed to know what had happened to Eren, and she needed him to be alright. She needed Jean to talk to her, and she needed, so badly needed him to relieve her of the creeping discomfort in her chest. 

“He’s alive, right? You can tell me that, at least.” Esther lowered her voice without realising, and her legs were unmoving. Her muscles were so weak that she feared she would collapse if she dared so much as to twitch her pinky finger. “Please.”

The plea reached Jean in a weak current, and he looked down with a sigh. 

“Just listen to me. Sit.” He repeated, and Esther had no options to weight. She had no other alternative, and no one else to go to. 

Mikasa and Armin were nowhere to be seen, and her eyes didn’t get the chance to catch Reiner’s stern face, nor Annie’s disinterested one in the crowd before Jean interrupted her silent search. 

Esther forced herself to sit down in her previous seat, and her fingers immediately went for the straps around her thighs to relieve endless tension. Her eyes were desperate as she stared at him, the curve of her eyebrows was aching and her pouting lips were craving to ask more questions.

“I’m not allowed to say.” Jean revealed eventually, his eyes somehow managed to escape from her reach. 

He looked up at the walls, only the top halves were visible from where they were sitting. A small flock of birds were passing by, unbothered by the chaos beneath their wings.

“Why not?” Esther frowned in confusion.

“Because.” He parried the question, again.

Esther’s eye twitched, and she felt anger creeping up on her. She found it unfair, all of it. It wasn’t fair that Jean knew of Eren’s fate and not her, and it wasn’t fair that he was keeping it a secret from her. She deserved to know, because she’d been trying so hard not to drown in the heavy drops of the recent rainfall. She’d been waiting with the pastry in her pocket and his promise in her hands. She’d been waiting to see him again, and to tell him that it was alright, that he didn’t need to apologise to her anymore; that she forgave him a long time ago.

“You don’t get to keep this from me.” She mumbled. It sounded weak, quiet, but Jean could hear the resentment. Not towards him, but towards the cruel order that allowed him to keep her in the dark. 

Jean opened his mouth to tell her that he wasn’t enjoying this more than she was, that he’d been through enough to now deal with her problems on top of everything, but a booming voice interrupted and inadvertently saved him.

“Esther!” Reiner spotted her from a short distance away, already on his way to her. “There you are!”

Bertholdt was trailing after him, and Annie’s blonde hair could be seen near where the water supplies were.

Esther stood up with so much haste that Jean knew what was coming. It felt like a reoccurrence of events, and he rubbed the spot between his eyes before she even opened her mouth.

“Reiner, have you found Eren? Jean won’t tell me anything.” Esther questioned, not commenting on the signs of battle Reiner brought with him. 

It seemed that her priorities had a way of shifting her focus, of making a mess of her thoughts and emotions. Her concern, and the care that was pulsing along with her heart made themselves known, made themselves painfully obvious in dire situations like this, and her worry had always been too large to disguise as anything less. It was consuming and controlling, it made her put her own life aside and it forced her to become a soldier. It whispered in her ear, filled her with dread and tore her heart and mind apart with enough force to make her run towards the Colossal Titan, because she needed a place to go to; because she was afraid of being stranded by outside forces that always ripped people away from her. 

Reiner, with his own questions stuffed back in his mouth, stood before her without a word. He opened his mouth, but didn’t know what to say, and Esther’s shoulders dropped in defeat.

Why wouldn’t anyone answer her? Why wouldn’t they just talk to her and make her understand? What could be more important than her wishes to see Eren, and to make sure that he was alive and well? She wasn’t asking for anything else, she wasn’t even asking for much. After everything she’d been through, she at least deserved one simple answer.

“Eren?” Ymir suddenly joined in from where she was leaning against an unlit lamp post, arms crossed and eyelids lowered in an unbothered manner. “Didn’t you hear? His whole squad was wiped out except for that blond wimp-”

“Ymir.” Reiner interrupted, sending her a stern glare, but it was too late. If he had been fast enough, Esther wouldn’t have to see the word in a burning blur. She wouldn’t feel the small, helpless flame dancing in her chest burst into a destructive fire as she looked through Ymir.

Her eyelids acted on their own, twitching and lowering and fighting for their life to dissipate the hesitant sting in her eyes. 

She turned back to look at Reiner, at Bertholdt and at Jean even, who was sitting behind her. She turned and searched and tried to understand, but her world was silent, and eyes were being averted as if she was a sight to neglect. 

“I don’t understand,” She said to save herself from the ringing quietness, but it only made her head hurt with the echoes of her own confusion. “Eren… is dead?” 

The question burned her tongue, chanting a heinous draught into being; into consuming her contracting throat.

Reiner’s fingers twitched, hands forming into unsure fists and loosening as he aimlessly searched for something to tell her. 

Nothing happened, no one saved her. Not that she expected mercy to wrap her in its safe arms, but it was nothing but sheer cruelty when even Ymir was silent in front of her vulnerable eyes.

It’s happening, a thought rose to dreadful heights as Esther looked up at the uncaring sky. Eren, it’s happening again. All over again. Death has found me again, and I don’t know where else to go.

A shaky breath left her parted lips; it was the unreleased sobs broken into pieces. 

Am I at fault again? Did death come for you as it searched for me? Her sight was rendered blurry, the clouds were smeared as tears gathered in her eyes.

Esther didn’t understand. She never did, and she never would. She wished someone would tell her the reason why the dark, venomous wings at her back that others would call death followed her around, why it watched her care about people only to claim their lives; to steal their hearts and souls, and to feed off of her crushed hopes and lonely emotions.

Eren, she called, wishing he could hear her; wishing he would answer her. Why did you leave me? How could I have not stopped this from happening again?

Esther already knew they were questions cursed to never be answered. She knew his voice wouldn’t engulf her mind and ease her pain away. She knew, she knew a lot more than she cared to admit, but she asked anyway. 

She felt small, fragile like a thin glass begging to be smashed into sharp fragments. She could already feel the pieces of her composure fall apart to never be fitted together again. She could feel the cuts in the skin of her palms. Blood was leaking; dripping down her knuckles, kissing her fingertips and forming a pool by her feet; her reflection drowning in its never ending depth.

His promise was crushed in her hands, it was broken. Esther shouldn’t have been surprised or heartbroken, but she was. She felt worse than what the tears leaking from her eyes told the world, and she felt more afraid than ever.

She sniffed in a pathetic attempt to get herself together, at least for a little bit, before she turned around to look at Jean. Her eyes were lost as she searched for a comforting face; seeking the warmth of familiarity. She searched for the place where the sky met the tall grown grass, and she searched for the lingering touch that was left on her hand. She searched for the reassuring smile that she’d grown attached to, and the confident voice telling her not to be afraid; that he would be right behind her.

Jean didn’t have what she was looking for, and she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth to keep it from quivering; to keep her broken sob from tearing through her already crumbling composure.

Jean’s irritated eyes that had been glaring at Ymir softened a little at the sight of her grieving tears, and her trembling hands. A sigh rolled from his lips, and he looked up at the same sky that Esther had been crying to. He looked for guidance, and he wished for patience that he desperately needed to deal with the mess that Esther was.

“She was going to find out sooner or later,” Ymir shrugged, addressing Jean’s recent glare.

Esther shut her eyes with force, trapping the pain that she’d never felt before in a dark void.

“Find out what?” She opened those tormented eyes again, and asked with her woeful voice. 

She was still clinging onto the cracking edge of her ignorance, and she was still searching for a way out of this hellhole that everyone else called reality. Her efforts were in vain, and her questions never ceased to invite something other than anguish.

Her chest was combusting, her lungs were full of the smoke of unwanted sorrow, and there wasn’t enough air. 

She didn’t want death to make its way into her life anymore, unannounced and uninvited. She didn’t want any more memories of purple hyacinths. The single dried one she had was already a lot more than she’d asked for, and it wasn’t something she wanted in the first place either.

She didn’t want Eren to leave. She didn’t want her last memory of him to be the one where he walked away from her, right into his own death. She didn’t want to spend the rest of her life with his broken apologies ringing in her head. She didn’t want to regret letting him go the same way she regretted letting her family go. 

If he was gone, where would she even look to find him again? What would she do with another unfulfilled promise, now way too heavy for her heart to carry? Who would believe in her now, if Eren wasn’t there to believe for her?

“Come here,” Jean said, refusing to answer her. “Sit down.”

Esther stared at the spot where he gestured for her to sit, and she wished someone, anyone, would give her the answers she so desperately sought instead of ignoring her like she wasn’t even there.

She didn’t understand why everyone disappeared after telling her they would come back. She would never understand, and she didn’t have the will nor the strength to accept it. If Eren left her behind in this world, she wouldn’t be able to ask him why. She would never be able to understand.

Tell me, she cried on her own, all alone, all heartbroken. Come back to me, and tell me. Why? 

She knew everyone’s lips were sealed, she knew none of them understood what she could possibly be going through, what she’d already been through, so she expected none of them to acknowledge her. 

But in some far-off place; someone, for some reason, decided to answer her prayers. Maybe it was fate, maybe even life itself couldn’t take the sight of her being tormented anymore, it didn’t matter.

A cannon went off, and a hostile thunder struck the earth with enough force to shut Esther’s frantic thoughts down. 

Her aghast face was suddenly brightened by the yellow light, eerily similar to the one that brought the Colossal Titan to their doorstep. 

She raised an instinctive hand to protect her eyes, and the wildfire of her grief paused an inch away from burning her heart to shreds.

Reiner turned around sharply towards the sound, and took Esther’s confusion with him. White smoke was rising from near where the river was flowing through the wall, staining the blue sky, and anxious fingers were pointing at it with questions hanging in the air.

Reiner grabbed his devices without wasting a single second, and rushed to where the commotion was taking place.

“Wait-” Jean attempted, but he was gone with Bertholdt in his tow in the blink of an eye.

Annie raced after them from where she was waiting for her turn to get a canteen of water, and left Jean’s precaution in the dust.

Esther took her time. She waited for a second longer, and she watched them fly away. She stared at the smoke interpreting hot steam, and she blinked at the barely noticeable jolt that struck the throbbing vein underneath the skin of her temple. 

It was strange, she could almost call it a familiar invasion. She could almost feel it touch the most unbearable of thoughts in her head, feel it kiss her tears away, as much as it took to starve her drooling anguish. She wasn’t sure if it was real or imagined, but it didn’t matter at all.

With her breath catching in her throat, she fiddled with her own devices, her hands trembling excessively as she tried to fit her fingers into the trigger guards. 

“Esther, wait a second-!” Jean stood up, reaching out a hand to grab her arm, but just like back on top of the abandoned rooftops, he just wasn’t fast enough. 

The fabric of her jacket slipped from his fingertips, and she ran after Reiner with her newly replenished canisters.

Another reoccurrence, Jean realised. Another order going ignored and emotions taking over as Esther grappled onto the buildings, crushing the guilty apologies she’d uttered a short moment ago beneath her boots before lifting herself up into the air. 

This time, however, Jean followed. 

The path to the rising smoke, which dubiously resembled the steam of the disappearing carcasses of the titans, was short. The buildings and housing that were placed tightly together led them towards the river that flowed through Sina to Maria. Sunbeams were dancing on the blue waters like wavering crystals, and the boats at the dock were swaying gently to the weak current. Such a calm scenery it was, if not for the commotion taking place right next to it.

Esther barely felt the wind caressing the damp spot below her eyes, and the coolness it left on her lashes. She, strangely enough, didn’t care for the calming touch of the weightless air on the loose strands of her hair as she stopped on a rooftop next to Reiner. 

The smoke was covering an area not too large, rising just near the walls. A cannon, placed high on the ledge of the wall was aimed right at it, and Captain Kitz was standing with a number of soldiers around the cloud of smoke.

“Titan’s steam?” Jean investigated with a nervous edge to his voice, and Esther glanced at him with a frown of confusion. 

Everything she did, every little fraction of hope that she chased after felt instinctive. She didn’t understand it, nor did she try to. 

She didn’t understand why she ran after Reiner. She didn’t understand why she was watching steam rise inside of Wall Rose. She was, however, aware of the disorientation of her mind. 

Something stirred her thoughts and emotions together, made her unable to think properly and refused her the ability to focus without the distractions of her own ghastly thoughts.  

She was chasing, probably, like she always had. She was chasing again after the unexplained truth that Reiner took with him when he walked away from her tearful eyes. And when she’d finally learn, when there would be no doubts and pondering left to entertain, she would wish she never found out the whole story in the first place. 

That was how Esther was, always asking in wonder but never accepting; never feeling satisfied. Always pushing until reality was broken, and she was suddenly lost in the endless void of disappointment.

What else could she do? Even the thought of Eren being gone had set her heart on fire, how could she listen to the story of how it happened without releasing the choking smoke in the form of unstoppable tears? 

She chased, and she wished she could stop. She wished she could trip on the uneven ground of the answers she’d never gotten.

He must’ve suffered, she thought, and she wished she could silence her own voice. He must’ve felt so lonely, how could I have left him all alone? How could I have abandoned him when he cried to me, cried with my name on his lips?

Esther squeezed her eyes shut once more. Somehow, it was easier to hide herself from the world than facing the unknown head on. It was, somehow, so easy to run away from her mistakes and her regrets. The list was getting long now, and she feared she would run out of space in her early life.

“Have the cannon reload another round!” Kitz’s unnerved order reached her in echoes, and forced her eyelids open.

When she turned back to the scene, the steam was slowly dissipating, and an uncanny glimpse of a titan’s head rose above the mist.

Esther couldn’t help the parting of her lips as the reveal made the gears of her mind dysfunction; forced them to come to a halt. With its body below its neck still hidden, the titan was made out of a gigantic skeleton; not like the others she’d seen so far. Tendons were weakly covering the side of its face, and a depth of darkness was where one of its eyes should’ve been. 

“What the hell is going on?” Jean asked, seemingly mumbling to himself. 

His question was left unattended, because not a single person had the answer he was searching for. 

As the Garrison soldiers worked on reloading the cannon at the ledge, Esther squinted at the faint shadows lurking behind the mist. The single eye of the deformed titan moved ever so slightly, and Esther slowly came to the realisation of the familiar sensation taking effect somewhere in her head, and leaving a numbing trail in its wake.

It happened so discreetly. Like the steam rising before her; the sly and persistent string hidden in her mind, where it was wrapped around the nerves of her brain, came to life with a jolt, and sweetly persuaded her own voice to be quiet as it covered her vision in the vines of black dots, deforming the shadows in her sight and turning them into nothingness.

A brass key swayed before her, obscure and hypnotising. It was hanging from a black cord. Moonbeams were carrying it into light, brightness being the only reflection on its scratched surface, and the rest was hidden in the details away from her reach. 

It was as brief as the flashing light of thunder, and when her vision was given back to her; she barely had the time to process what she’d just seen. She barely had any time to grasp her own surroundings before the heavy skull of the titan snapped from its neck and collapsed with a loud crash, raising more dust and debris. 

Esther blinked, again and again. She raised a hand to her forehead, fingers caressing her temple before diving into her hair. A vein was throbbing beneath her skin. Her fingers grabbed the roots of her hair and stayed there like her own touch was the only thing that could ground her; that could keep her in the here and now.

The clarity was no different than the shimmering light breaking into the shallow waters of the river. A breath of air left her dry lips, and her eyelids started to collect rust; they were getting heavier by second and she had trouble moving them. It felt like relief. It felt like every single star in the sky burned just for her, like they aligned perfectly just so she could worship them in return; just so she could cry out in prayer.

Esther felt as light as the single teardrop that rolled down her face just then. It traced the curve of her lips and left a salty trail before dropping onto her knuckles from her chin. 

She couldn’t understand what she’d just seen, and she stopped trying to make sense of all of it at one point after the rainfall. Then again, she wasn’t as clueless about the ominous yet unexpectedly reassuring signs of her intrusive thoughts and visions. She could clarify on her own, in spite of everything, that there was only one person that could make her subdue her own voice, that could invade her mind and convince her that it was alright; that it was only right and natural. 

She dropped down to her knees with a sniff, and welcomed the lingering mist. This time, she wholeheartedly welcomed it, and she never wanted it to leave her; because it was the invisible presence of Eren that he graced her with, and it was the way he shredded Ymir’s insinuation in pieces until they were lesser than dust. He grabbed her wrist, as tightly as he possibly could, and he took her away from the painful claws of grief; freeing her from a pain she was not strong enough to suffer.

Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie were too engrossed in the scene by the wall to notice Esther breaking down little by little; never being able to fully collect herself but still trying nevertheless. They watched as the dust and steam made way to Armin and his panic-stricken face as he rushed forward, and they missed the way Esther looked down; away from the crowd below them. 

But Jean was attentive. Puzzled and confused, but still aware of the sniff that pierced the silence.

“I knew he couldn’t have died. He promised me.” Esther laid her palm open on the tiles, and lowered her other one from her messy braids to wipe her cheek.

Jean looked down at her with a raised eyebrow, and wondered why she had a knack for saying the most random things at the most unexpected moments. He wondered where she even got the idea that Eren was alive even after Ymir told her about the demise of his squad just a minute ago, and he wondered why her tears had been racing the clouds and the rain ever since they were deployed.

“Esther,” Jean mumbled her name. His eyes were back on Armin as he pleaded and begged, as he rambled on about humanity and its true enemy with weapons aimed directly at him. “Have you been telling the truth this whole time?”

His question wasn’t directed at her with the intention of receiving an intelligent answer. He didn’t expect her to form a cohesive sentence, but he had to ask; because he’d been wondering. 

He wondered still, as the steam behind Armin dissipated and revealed Mikasa. Crouched down next to her was Eren. Eren and his torn shirt and trousers, his disheveled hair and wide eyes with a never-ending fire burning the forest in them. His firm, tired and anxious, but firm frown set on his face. He was just the way Esther had been imagining him, in a state she’d been expecting to see him, and she didn’t even need to look up to make sure he was there. 

Therefore, Jean wondered, Why? And how?

“I told you,” Esther managed to say in a sweet state of exhaustion. “He called my name.”

Reiner’s eyebrow twitched then, and he looked down at her over his shoulder. His eyes had always been calm and collected, narrow and firm but reassuring nonetheless. He always knew what to do, how to help his comrades. Now, however, he looked as lost as he felt. 

He watched Esther’s glistening eyes and the way her irises reflected knowledge for something none of them were yet to understand.

He had a silent exchange with Jean, not saying anything but understanding that Esther needed assistance to get down from the roof.

Jean let out a tired sigh as he leaned down to grab her arm, “Come on, get up. You’re a blink away from fainting.”

Esther didn’t put up a fight. She let Jean pull her to her feet without a word. 

Her eyes caught a brief sight of Eren as she was being dragged away, and no matter how small he looked from up there with a giant skeleton next to him, he was still able to touch Esther’s lips in the form of a broken yet relieved smile. He was still able to be the very thing that her eyes wanted to look at, even when there was a beautiful flower by his side; its purple petals swaying gently to the breeze, unharmed by the explosion.

༻✿༺

Whispers were high, no one knew what they were talking about anymore. Esther spotted Daz when Jean carried her back to the field hospital, he’d been crying. Not that that was an unprecedented situation, but he’d been crying a lot more than usual. The look in his eyes were terrified, and he was spilling tears over the fact that he was grateful; because he wasn’t the one who died in his friends’ states. 

Esther watched him fiddle with his blade as Marco tried to calm him down. Her eyes were half lidded, and even though mentally exhausted, she felt light. She felt like the clouds had just cleared up, and she felt the glide of the cold water down her throat ten times stronger; more relieving than ever.

“Thank you.” She lowered the canteen that Jean had forced into her hands.

He sat down next to her with a sigh, pushing the commotion of Daz and the unknown taking place where the steam had disappeared at the back of his mind. 

“I don’t know which one’s harder. Fighting for my life out there or dealing with your tantrums.”

“I’m not throwing a tantrum.” Esther rolled her eyes.

“You are. You haven’t listened to a word I said, and you’ve been out of it the whole day.” 

“The latter is not my fault.” Her voice would’ve raised in volume, and she would’ve frowned in defence, but energy was already hard to come by. She grabbed the canteen tightly instead, and saved whatever stamina she had left for when the next orders would arrive.

Jean gave her a side eye, eyebrows furrowed and eyes twinkling with thoughts; most of them being questions that no one had the answers for.

“What’s that about, anyway? Did you know that Eren was a-” Jean interrupted himself, throwing a cautious glance in Daz and Marco’s direction. “That he was like that?” 

“Like what?” Esther mumbled quietly. 

She hadn’t been questioning the half a titan that appeared beside Eren out of nowhere. It was confusing, utterly bizarre and panic-inducing under normal circumstances, but none of this was normal. 

Eren was alive. Ymir said his squad was wiped out, that Armin was the sole survivor, but she was wrong. Eren came back. Somehow, just somehow, he came back from the brink of death. He refused to follow the road to where souls went when they were lost, and he refused to leave her all alone in a world where she had no one else. 

“You know what,” Jean rolled his eyes. “No one comes out of a titan after they die. He was able to control the damn thing, and now-”

His words were interrupted by the deep breath he inhaled to calm himself. He glanced around, and forced himself to be composed when everyone else was already on edge.

Esther followed his eyes over to Daz. His anguish seemed never-ending, and she, to some degree, understood why Jean was keeping Eren a secret from her; from everyone. It made sense that people like Daz would lose their minds over something so outrageous, so unprecedented, but not Esther.

She was just as confused, and she had her fair share of questions, but she couldn’t prioritise her bewilderment over the liberation from sorrow that she felt the moment Eren reached out to her. She felt sedate. A taste of relief fed her scorching heart the calming sight of him. The brief presence she felt in every inch of her mind traveled through her body and doused the flames in her veins with water.

“No,” Esther answered honestly. “I didn’t know. I just heard him, and saw some things. That’s all.”

“Things?” Jean raised a brow, distrust and doubts still lingering in his voice; still fighting to win over his logic. 

Esther leaned her head back with a sigh. Sun touched her face and traced her lines as she closed her eyes, as she welcomed the warmth and the breeze together.

“Yeah, things.” She confirmed, and didn’t elaborate. She didn’t know what else she could say, what else she could do to make him make sense of her jumbled mind. Even she had trouble understanding it.

She wished she could talk to Eren. She wished she could walk up to him, confront him for the emotional mess he’d turned her into without even being in her vicinity. She wanted to ask him how he was communicating with her, if he was even aware of it, and why he kept it a secret from her in the first place. She wished to know if he could hear her too, if he could see what she was seeing, feel what she’d been feeling.

She wanted to ask him why he wasn’t behind her, why he disappeared so suddenly and scared her to death. She wanted to apologise for what he must’ve gone through, even though she wasn’t at fault, and she wanted to make sure that he was alright. Catching a glimpse of him wasn’t enough, she needed to be near him. How could she reassure her own mind if his voice wasn’t there to do it for her?

Her stomach growled, joining the protest of her headache in the mist. She almost reached for the pastry in her pocket, now most likely pressed and misshapen, yet she refused. The halfhearted celebration felt close, but they weren’t quite there yet. A few Garrison soldiers were by the entrance of the field hospital, gathering the list of all squads. 

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Esther knew that she wouldn’t get to sit down with Eren and eat a beignet when this battle was over. She had an inkling that nothing would go back to the way it was, not since he appeared with a skeleton of a titan’s torso by his side, but she still had hope that she could share it with him; and tell him that she’d been worried out of her mind.

“Are you going to report it?” Jean asked, watching the Garrison get ready to announce the new orders. 

“Report it how? None of you believed me. They’ll just think that I’m making it up to get a medical discharge.” 

“I doubt that. Not after what happened to Eren.” 

Esther paused and gave him a thoughtful look. 

“And what happened to him?” She asked, watching the dim expression on his face freeze for a moment. She could see a memory passing by his absentminded eyes, and his lips formed into a thin line with the weight of it.

“What do you think? Armin said he was dead, and suddenly he was emerging from a fifteen-metre titan. He wrecked hell out there, killed more than twenty titans on his own.” Jean explained, lowering his voice so the cadets lingering around wouldn’t hear his implausible little story.

Esther let out a deep, deep sigh. She opened the lid of her canteen and took a big gulp, again and again until the water was turned into insufficient little drops that gathered on the threads. 

It appeared that the questions that’d always swarm her head were never ending. Even if she got the answers she was chasing after, she’d still end up in the vast unknown. Her questions only changed shape, and they seemed to grow bigger and more complicated as its greedy hands got a hold of fresh answers.

She felt hurt, she felt her heart break. She felt helpless, again and again, each time she thought of him dying. Disappearing. Being gone from her reach to the unknown. A lump formed in her throat at the thought of him being harmed; feeling pain that was unbearable enough to stop his heart.

She lowered the canteen, feeling nothing but frustration with her own thoughts. She wished they would stop, she wished she could stop thinking just for a peaceful second.

“What in the world is going on, Jean?” Esther put the canteen by her side and wondered quietly. Her lips were in a thin line, and the words sounded detached from her voice. “How can this all be possible?”

Jean stared down at his laced hands, at his fingers rubbing the same spot on his bruised knuckles over and over again.

“I don’t know,” He said, as expected. No one had the excuses and explanations they both needed, that everyone sought desperately. 

Esther’s half-lidded eyes stared through the cobblestones; soldiers with muddied boots walking past with endless whispers.

The Garrison started rallying the squads, and Jean took a moment to close his eyes; to bask in the final moments of peace before his superiors threw whatever last minute plan they had on him.

He stood up with a sigh, heading to his position with a silent Esther in his tow.

“Are you sure you don’t want to join the injured? They’ll most likely make us defend the gate in case the Armoured shows up.” Jean asked, sending her a questioning glance over his shoulder. 

Esther looked exhausted. She didn’t display physical signs like Jean’s noticeably dimmed eyes yet, but she was disoriented still. Her steps faltered as she followed him, and her gaze shifted from one spot to the other; having difficulty focusing. 

“I’m fine. I feel better now.” She reassured still, even though she wasn’t fine. She was mentally drained, and she wanted nothing more than to go down on her knees and pray for this day to be over, so she could curl up under a warm blanket and sleep her weariness off.

What kept her consciousness from slipping from her grasp was the most recent memory of Eren that she refused to set free from her mind. She felt less worried, less scared now that he was alive and somewhat well. And if she tried hard enough, she believed she could make up for abandoning her squad for her own selfish reasons. She believed if she followed orders this time around, she’d somehow fix the unintentional mistake of leaving Ruth and Tom to die; for not even attempting to be there for them like she should’ve been. 

She couldn’t bring them back, and she couldn’t erase whatever gruesome memory they left for Jean to remember until the end of his time, but she wanted to make up for everything that she failed to be.

The remaining Garrison forces as well as the shaken cadets took their formations, facing the wall above the sealed gate. Whispers had evolved into anxious murmurs, and clueless frowns into nervous beads of sweat. 

“They have a plan to retake Trost,” A girl in line informed, words falling from her lips in what sounded like a whimper.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Someone else nudged her in a weak attempt to refute her dreadful news. “They won’t do that. It’ll be our death.”

Their agitated voices were turned into muffled background noises as Esther tipped her head back, her squinted eyes scanning the top of the wall. She could see the small figures of soldiers walking, working, watching the group of squads below. The sun was slowly losing its brightness as it fell from its peak on top of Trost, rendering the barely visible figures into dark silhouettes.

Its light hurt her eyes. She blinked, lowered her head, watched the apparition of broken pieces of light dance in her vision, and closed her eyes at last.

Daz was making a commotion again, Esther could hear. She could hear the helpless sigh that Jean released right next to her.

“I don’t want to die!” Daz yelled. “Just let me go, let me see my family!”

Esther’s eyebrows twitched, and her eyes opened on their own. She looked at him over her shoulder, where he was crying under the shade of a nearby building. Marco was trying to calm him down again, to reassure him, but Esther knew it wouldn’t work. She knew, because she didn’t want to die either, and she would rather see her family instead of those wide pits of dread that were, in reality, the titans’ eyes. 

Nothing Marco would say could mend the fear that Daz was feeling, that everyone else was feeling.

A new wave of commotion erupted as Garrison superiors began to threaten those who wished to abandon the mission, to desert the military. Blades were drawn and tears were shed. Screams rose from each squad, and the formation was in danger of being broken.

Esther’s shoulders were tense, and her eyes were guilty; cast down in shame. She abandoned her duties as a soldier, and deserted her mission. She sat on a safe crate with a blanket over her shoulders and a canteen in her hand while her comrades fought and died a painful death. No matter how incapable she was rendered, no matter how smeared her sight and mind were, it was still her decision to follow Annie back to the headquarters. And she never faced any threats or raised blades in doing so.

“Make a commotion so we can leave, too!” A Garrison urged the terrified girl standing in line with Jean and Esther.

“Leave and go where?” Jean asked with pure confusion that Esther couldn’t believe belonged to him; the steadfast boy who’d rather run away to Sina rather than lay down his precious life for others. 

“To see my daughter!” The Garrison soldier snapped, his dark hair sticking to his forehead from the sweat of nervousness. “Eventually this wall will fall too!”

Esther’s frown was involuntary. The doubt on her face wasn’t directed at him, or at anyone else. It was simply reminiscent of last night, where Jean had suggested that living in the interior was safer, that no one could defeat the titans; and Eren had told him that Wall Rose was considered safe five years ago too, that there was no interior to run off to anymore.

She could almost see his tight grip on his spoon, see his frown and his defensive posture. She could almost hear the words he was trying so hard not to shout in Jean’s face.

“When this wall eventually falls, where will you go?” Esther asked, her voice barely finding its way to the Garrison through the desperate pleas of others.

The soldier looked at her, requited her frown back to her.

“I can’t go anywhere. But at least I will have my daughter by my side as I die.” He voiced his opinion with the same determination as before, but a solemn tone was now attached to his voice, as if the scene of his family’s imminent doom was being painted right before his very eyes.

“If you think you’re going to die either way, why not die fighting for her freedom instead? What good will it do to go back to her now?” Esther asked, and the questions left a bad taste in her own mouth. She didn’t know why. “You’re already here. Just keep fighting.”

The soldier looked at her with something akin to disbelief. His panicked eyes were widened, and his parted lips couldn’t believe that a freshly graduated cadet was telling him to die, to stay put and not to rush back to his daughter.

“Do- Do you even hear what you’re saying? I don’t want to die! Not before I see her for one last time!”

Esther’s eye twitched, not because she was angry or irritated, but because his words were triggering endless thoughts of her own. It was making her avert her eyes, reminding her of the way she abandoned the fight to find Eren, and making her think of her own family. 

She didn’t want to die either, but if she didn’t have a choice but to sleep forever, then she, too, wanted to see them for one last time before she was unable to see anything else for the rest of time. 

But Eren told her the Scouts were fighting outside of Rose right now, and he said it was their job to hold off the enemy until they arrived. And Eren, despite the hell he’d put Esther through, reassured her endless worries at last; pulled her out of the void she was imprisoned in.

Esther didn’t want to run away and to tell him that she'd given up. She didn’t want to tell her family that she couldn’t fight while they were gone. She didn’t want them to think that she was as weak and useless as she used to be, and she didn’t want the deaths of her comrades to be for nothing.

“Then you can apologise to her for not being able to fight when you had the chance.” She replied, and looked away, leaving the soldier alone with his doubts and trembling hands. Leaving herself alone with her mistakes, and with her wishes to fix them.

Not a minute passed before the soldier fell in line with the others, now silent with a clenched jaw.

Esther’s slouching shoulders were straightened at the sight of him in her peripheral vision. She wondered if Eren would be proud of her for standing up to a dispirited soldier, for convincing him to fight when he wanted nothing more than to run away. 

She wondered if she’d be able to understand it if Levi told her he’d been fighting for her too, that he didn’t want to return until every last one of the titans were dead; so she could taste what real freedom was like when he’d finally save her from the Underground. She wondered if someone else convinced him to stay and fight the same way she convinced this Garrison soldier.

“He’s rubbing off on you,” Jean murmured. There was a glint of annoyance in his half lidded eyes.

“And on you too, apparently. I don’t see you trying to flee.”

“Flee where?” Jean asked, not taking his eyes off of the wall looming above them. 

If Esther hadn’t been experiencing vision shifts and voices in her head since noon, she’d have believed the hint of a smile that she thought she saw on Jean’s lips.

“Attention!” A stentorian voice shouted from the top of the wall, his voice being carried forth by the gentle wind and echoing again and again until not a single whisper rose from the terrified formation.

“Commander Pyxis,” Jean informed quietly. “He’s the highest commander of the entire southern region.”

Esther looked up, squinting to see the barely visible form of the owner of the voice. It was an impossible task.

“I shall now explain the plan to retake Trost.” The commander confirmed everyone’s common fear with a single sentence, and defiant murmurs threatened to arise once again. “For this mission, our objective is to seal the hole where the gate was destroyed. Let me introduce you to Eren Jaeger, from the Cadet Corps. He will seal the gate for us.”

An additional figure, shorter than the commander in comparison, stepped forward with a salute, and caused a new wave of questions to rise out of order.

“Seal the what?” The soldier that stayed in line because of Esther was so close to losing his barely contained cool again, and his comrades weren't any different.

Esther, on the other hand, could barely hear what the people around her were saying. Her feet carried her one step forward, and with her head leaned back, she stared at the figure that was supposed to be Eren without blinking. Suddenly, her eyes weren’t half lidded anymore. And suddenly, tiredness was thrown somewhere at the back of her mind. 

“Don’t break the formation, idiot.” Jean pulled her back, a warning tone in his voice. “Everyone’s already on edge.” 

Esther didn’t respond, but obeyed him nonetheless.

Commander Pyxis continued, despite the commotion of panic and confusion reaching all the way up to his altitude, “He’s the successful result of our top-secret project to turn humans into titans. Therefore, he’s able to create and control a titan’s body. In order for this plan to succeed, he will become a titan, pick up the giant boulder by the shattered gate, carry it over, and seal the hole. You brave soldiers’ job will be to protect him from the titans while he moves the boulder.”

Esther’s eyes shifted from Eren’s still body to the commander, her eyebrows twitching into a frown as she yielded before the confusion.

“Jean,” She murmured as the formation, which was barely held together by a thin thread, fell apart in seconds. “He’s lying, isn’t he? He must be. Eren is not-”

Jean nudged her arm with his elbow, the force cutting off her words. 

Eren is not a test subject, she meant to say. He hates the titans, why would he even accept to turn into one? How could he even be able to hide it from everyone? From his friends, from me?

But Jean was cautious. He could hear her questions without her opening her mouth, merely because he had the same ones running around his head in circles since he saw him emerge from the carcass of a titan. But the soldiers around them were trying to run away, they were pushing each other to run all the way back to their homes; ignoring the threatening death penalty and the drawn blades that were aimed directly at them.

One look at him was enough for Esther to understand that he was trying to keep the crowd from getting even more difficult to control. She kept her mouth shut, and listened to threats and pleas fly in the air without being able to do anything about it.

One of the high ranking Garrison members pushed the young boy trying to sneak away. Esther stepped back before he could accidentally collide with her, her hands helplessly holding onto her belt; fingers playing with the loops as the high volumes of orders and protests disturbed the recent peace that she’d found.

“Here’s my decision!” The commander’s voice reached them, putting a temporary stop to the ruckus. “I shall pardon anyone who deserts now. Once you succumb to the titans’ fear, you can never fight them again. Those who have learned that fear should leave. And anyone wishing their parents, siblings, and loved ones to feel that fear should also leave!”

The shouts of objections died down, slowly and hesitantly. Commander Pyxis was successful at obtaining the attention of the soldiers fifty meters below him, his emblematic pardon captured the hesitancy of those around Esther, and she, too, found herself casting her gaze down by his words.

This wasn’t the time, she knew, but she thought of her long list of excuses anyway. Being in that broken formation, standing still in the beating heart of the fear felt like a late epiphany, and she wondered if Levi was trying to protect her even from afar. She wondered if he was still trying to shield her by sacrificing his own safety, by never leaving the battlefield and paying the price of promising her freedom. Maybe not being able to give it to her was the penance he had to pay, and maybe she would finally understand after stepping foot in Trost to fight without running away. Maybe following after his footsteps, each of them stained with blood, would be the explanation she’d been searching for all this time.

The commander, having no choice but to be truthful in order to gain the obeisance and trust of his soldiers, revealed the inhuman reality behind the Operation to Retake Maria; where civilians were sent back into the lost lands without proper training and equipment to reclaim the territory. Their sacrifice was the reason why humanity was saved from starvation, from destroying itself from the inside.

Hands holding the devices started to tremble with hesitation as the soldiers listened to the threat they were facing, as Commander Pyxis told them if the story were to repeat itself, it would be the end of humanity. He said Sina wouldn’t be able to host the residents of Rose, and if the humanity were to die, it wouldn’t be because of the threat of titans, but because of humans killing each other. 

A disturbing shiver went down Esther’s spine, and she couldn’t help but find the doomsday scenario eerily similar to her home in the Underground City. There were no titans down there, no sacrifices and no honourable deaths. People stole from each other for survival, and killed each other for pleasure. 

The thought of this world, these cages she found freedom in, turning into the hellhole that she ran away from made her feel the bitterness of dread. 

“For that reason alone,” Commander Pyxis opened his arms in a show of sincerity. “I beg of you to die right here!”

༻✿༺

The elevators carried the soldiers squad by squad, section by section to the top of the wall. The journey was quiet; filled with anxiously widened eyes, filled with the creaking of the gears and the wood. 

Commander Pyxis bargained successfully, and not a single soldier dared to abandon their mission, not when their loved ones were at stake. Doubts were still as bothersome as the clouds gathering in the slumbering sky for the second time, and Esther couldn’t help but watch their grim approach with a troubled frown. 

She’d been thinking, the wait for the rest of the soldiers to climb was slow. She’d been wondering when the Scouts would be back from their expedition. She’d been asking herself what would happen if this plan was unsuccessful.

The boulder wasn’t fully visible from where she currently was, but she’d seen parts of the gate collide with the ground she was standing on during the attack. They were dangerous, and they were huge. She’d been wondering how Eren would be able to carry the whole thing that would supposedly seal the gate, and she’d been bothered during the whole climb by the fact that the commander had put the pressure of this whole mission on Eren. According to Jean’s barely adequate knowledge, he’d already been through enough. 

When the light of the sun became too much for her eyes, she looked down with a blink. Shadows appeared in her vision, and someone came to a stop next to her. 

“There are at least ten down there,” Jean said, a gloomy look on his face. Annie was standing next to him. 

“There will be more once we start,” She added in the most unhelpful manner.

Esther was standing away from the edge, she hadn’t looked down yet. She didn’t feel like partaking in lowering herself down the wall like titan bait, as Instructor Shadis would call her, but she was going to do it anyway. Pyxis’ words were still lecturing in her head, and she desperately needed to make up for the damage she’d caused during the evacuation. Not to mention, her answers lied somewhere in the hot, rising steam in the middle of the city. Supposedly.

She turned to look at Jean, trying her best to display a courageous front.

“I’ll help. I won’t leave this time,” She said firmly. 

Jean offered nothing more than a short glance, and a nod of acknowledgment. He couldn’t find it in himself to fully trust her words, not when her eyes were lacking their light, and not when dried tears were staining her cheeks; her skin now paled with fatigue. 

Still, he stayed quiet, and he stepped away to help with the arrival of canister supplies. 

In his absence, Annie sidled up to Esther, appearing nonchalant. She silently took in the ghastly atmosphere of the abandoned town from high up. Some distant sections still had steam rising from their alleys, now slowly disappearing into thin air. Titans that were tall enough could be seen walking around, searching for a helpless prey with their eerily attentive eyes.

“So,” She sighed, the thin breath of air swaying her loose strands. “What was it that Eren showed you back there?”

A frown hesitantly climbed over Esther’s face.

Annie didn’t seem interested, nor did she sound extremely curious. The lack of eye contact was the seal of her indifference, yet something in her voice was unlike the disengaged tone that Esther was used to.

“Now you believe me, Annie?” She asked, a look of confusion on her face. Was it suspicion in her dimmed eyes? Annie wouldn’t be able to tell even if she bothered to look at her.

“I never said otherwise.” 

Esther felt unsure, felt irked for all the wrong reasons. She wanted to stand taller, wanted to offer a grateful smile to Annie for her belief in her, but her frown hesitated to disappear. Her subdued voice wondered how Annie could know that Eren had shown her something when all she’d told her at the time was that she’d heard his voice.

Her eyes shifted to Jean over Annie’s shoulder. Did he tell her?

“Then why? Why didn’t you let me find him?” She asked instead, tilting her head in confusion.

Annie turned to look at her, slowly as if she needed all the littlest time she could get to think of an answer, but her eyes stopped somewhere behind Esther’s shoulder before they could reach their weary target.

“You would’ve gotten yourself killed. Worry about yourself, not someone else.”

Esther hesitantly followed Annie’s gaze, looking around aimlessly to find what captured her interest. 

Boxes of canisters and blades were arranged near the edge for easy access, and soldiers, mostly cadets, were getting in line to be in the support teams. Behind them were members of the elite squad under Captain Kitz’s leadership, getting the final safety checks done on their gear. A large map of the district was held open by bottles on a nearby table.

Esther’s wandering eyes found the familiar dark brown hair not long after. The gentle current was closer to him than she ever was, and she watched the warm sunlight touch his determined face from afar. 

Out of her focus was Mikasa, replenishing her gas. Armin was parting ways with them, a reluctant yet trusting look on his face. 

Eren, with his jacket missing; with the rest of his uniform torn apart and hair disheveled by the hell he paid a visit to, watched Armin walk away. Worry lingered in his eyes, a cautious thought stopping by to make him blink, to make him frown deeper to get rid of the unpleasant feeling. He watched his friend walk away, watched him go where fresh blades and full canisters were being kept to prepare for a dangerous mission.

He caught sight of Annie on the opposite edge of the wall; her blue eyes looking in his direction.

Esther was right next to her, and she fully turned to face him when his wandering eyes landed on her. The sudden movement seemed instinctive, and she looked like she wanted to take a step forward; like she wanted to trace Armin’s steps backwards to find her way to him, and she didn’t even know what she would say if she were to do so.

It was strange, because she had questions. She had her worry spilled into words and tears, ready to be offered to him if he wished to take them. But now that he stood there, looked at her with the same resilient spirit shining through his eyes despite the dark clouds over their heads; looked at her and never looked away again, just a short distance away from her, she felt a heavy emptiness on her tongue. 

She wanted to go to him. Her feet wanted to carry her over so bad, and the itching of her muscles fought against the resistance of her mind; against the duties she promised to fulfil this time around.

Despite the silent arguments flying in the air and around her head, she took another step forward; short and unsteady, absentmindedly eager, and Eren’s frown softened; a similar urge communicating with her through his wide eyes. 

Esther saw the elite forces gathering up to leave, getting ready to take Eren away. She heard a loud voice rise behind her, calling for the first group of soldiers to climb down and lure the titans to the wall forward. She felt their time coming to an end, even though it never belonged to them in the first place. 

She felt the harmless stabs of panic on the skin of her fidgeting hands. She didn’t want him to leave so soon, she had things to say to him, even though she didn’t know how to say them. She wanted him to know that she was happy, so happy to see him alive. She wanted him to understand the fear she felt at the thought of never seeing his bright, teal eyes again, and she wanted him to reassure her; to drown her own voice in silence just to fill its void himself.

Her eyes saddened at the sight of a Garrison approaching him, but they widened at the sudden reminder of the pastry in her pocket.

Her hands flew up to the flap on her jacket, her gaze involuntarily tearing itself away from Eren as she searched for the small paper bag. 

Eren watched her, no matter what she did. No matter where she would go, what she would talk about and where she would point at, he always found it difficult to look away. As soon as his eyes landed on her, the world was silenced and everything else around her seemed just a little less colourful. So he watched, and he offered all the limited time he had left to her.

Esther reached into her pocket, and Eren smiled. She didn’t see it, not with her head hung low and eyes on her bag of pastry, but he smiled. A very small gesture it was, his barely visible fondness; a quiet affection he would never show her on purpose. If only she could see the relief in his eyes, and the sudden lightness on his shoulders. If only she would look up and smile at him in return; and how convinced Eren was that the dark clouds would run away if only she could just go to him.

One of the members of the elite squad touched his shoulder, called him into action and immediately erased the content expression from his face. His frown hardened, and the one last glance he stole from Esther had to be enough as he turned away, running with the grey sky on his trail. It had to last in his memory until the mission was completed.

Esther clumsily grabbed the beignet, hope blooming in her chest and reaching all the way down to her fingertips in the form of eager movements. The pastry she now held in her hand looked nothing other than a key in her eyes, her reason and her excuse to walk up to him and to show him how much she cared in such a harmless, misplaced gesture.

When she looked up, however, his back was turned to her. He was running to somewhere she wasn’t allowed to follow, away from her with her frail hope tied to his ankles; getting crushed beneath his force with each step he took. 

Esther’s shoulders dropped a little, and the temporary light was gone from her eyes. Her softened features turned dim again, and only then did she realise the faint smile her lips were beginning to form without anyone realising. If only Eren could look over his shoulder one last time, and if only he could see that smile despite the distance between them; before it disappeared as quickly as it came to be.

Esther lowered her hands, defeated and disappointed, and she watched as history repeated itself in the span of a few hours; watched him as he ran into another pit of danger without her.

“Worry about yourself,” Annie repeated, reminding Esther about her presence. “Every single soldier that stands here is tasked to protect him. Everyone but him is on their own, including you.”

“Yeah,” Esther murmured, her voice barely there. She watched his retreating form as he turned smaller and smaller in her eyes. 

Annie’s words were bit of a relief, and the sight of Mikasa carefully following Eren’s steps forced Esther’s frigid muscles to relax a little; made her eyes see just a bit clearer. 

She looked down at the paper bag again, which now carried a number of undoable wrinkles. Her fingers absentmindedly pressed into its corners, creating new ones, and her chest rose with a deep sigh before she turned around.

She walked past Annie under her observant gaze, and approached the controlled crowd near the edge. Sasha was standing next to Connie, blades in her hand and an anxious look in her eyes. The beads of sweat on her temples gave away her understandable fear, and made it known that she was one of the first who would climb down the wall as bait. 

“Sasha,” Esther called, making her way to her. 

Sasha looked up; eyes widened in worry and a gulp traveling down her throat. 

Esther held out her hand, and offered her the pastry.

“Here, I bought this before the attack. You can have it if you want.”

Sasha, surprised by the unexpected and the ill-timed gesture, stared at the small bag. Her hands tightened around her device, and her fingers twitched behind the trigger guards. Her eyebrows relaxed ever so slightly, and her apprehension was softened by her timid hesitation. 

“Are you sure?” She asked, already raising a hand to take the offer.

Esther gave her a wordless nod, and felt the cold absence on her palm as Sasha grabbed the pastry, opening the bag and forgetting about all of her present problems for a short but blissful moment. 

Esther walked away without another word, barely paying attention to Sasha’s gratitude. She took her place at the beginning of the first line, and didn’t watch Connie hold out his hand for Sasha to share the beignet with him. 

With one final order for the first line of soldiers to get ready for the risky mission, Esther unsheathed her blades; the sharp schwing sound forcefully tearing her focus away from Eren, who was now nowhere to be seen. 

Annie was right, she had her own self to be concerned about. Eren was alone before, his squad except for Armin was cruelly wiped out and no one was able to help him. She couldn’t be there for him, but she wouldn’t repeat her mistakes. She wouldn’t let her selfishness harm others again, and she wouldn’t desert the battle just because of her momentary lack of vision and thoughts. She was prepared, supposedly, and she believed that she could handle it this time.

“For the last time!” One of the squad leaders yelled, making sure his announcement was heard by everyone waiting in line. “You only need to get the titans to the edge of the wall, avoid unnecessary combat!”

Esther looked down, looked at the depth that started where the nose of her boots ended. The titans aimlessly walking around, already attracted to the big group they formed at one corner of the wall, were confirming Jean and Annie’s worrisome words. There were at least ten of them, and there were about to be even more. 

A hand grabbed her shoulder then, startling her. It pulled her back, and the owner of the touch stepped in front of her under her confusion filled eyes.

“I’ll go first.” Jean said, not gracing her with even a short glance. He approached the wooden crate of sharp blades and gas filled canisters, and pushed it towards Esther with his feet. “Hand me supplies when I ask.” 

Esther, dumbfounded with her parted lips and raised eyebrows, couldn’t make sense of his actions. She couldn’t understand why anyone, and why Jean of all people, would want to go first and get trapped in a spot between the wall and the titans. 

“What are you doing?” She asked, wondering why the boy who clearly detested her would want to take her position instead. 

Jean did nothing more than to look over his shoulder, barely showing her his profile. His lowered gaze trapped her in an alley with a dead end; where her curiosity and surprise wouldn’t be entertained.

“I’m not some damsel in distress, Jean. I feel better now, I can-”

“Just do as I say for once,” He ordered, and Esther closed her lips with arguments stacked on top of each other. 

She watched him walk to the edge and fire his hooks to be securely attached to the wall before he’d begin his descent. 

The squad leader raised his hand when everyone was in position, and lowered it to signal the mission’s start.

Esther watched Jean disappear from her sight, along with the rest in front the line. She stepped forward and kneeled next to the crate, her hand grabbing its edge in need of some false security as she looked down; watched him lower himself only to stop a safe distance away from the titans’ reached out hands.

The sight was fearsome, nauseating and disturbing; not to mention the dizzying height and the gruesome end one would have if they were to accidentally get caught or fall. Still, Esther kept her eyes on Jean and awaited his call for replenishment. 

“Go lower!” The squad leader yelled down; his hand placed near his mouth for added volume. “There’s still more out there!” 

The wires trembled, and the unlucky baits obeyed reluctantly. The titans were gathering in a hysterical mass near the edge, trying to climb atop each other just to feed their hunger for blood. 

Golden lightning struck the earth just then, and a growling thunder sounded right after. 

Esther looked up and at the source of the bright light, an occurrence she was slowly getting used to. It was blindingly bright and looking at it was no different than looking at the sun, even from a distance. It was intense enough to bury the district under its shadow and seal the sunlight out.

With an involuntary frown against the force of the brightness that disappeared not long after, Esther placed a hand above her eyebrows to see just a little better. Seeing something worthwhile, however, was a lost cause. Dust was very faintly rising from behind the buildings in the distance, and other than that; nothing. 

“It’s Eren.” Armin’s voice sounded nearby, and Esther turned around; lowering her hand.

“Armin!” She greeted, a relieved tone hiding underneath her voice as she watched him carry a crate over.

With bent knees, he placed it down next to the one Esther was guarding, and rose back up with a huff.

“Esther, I’m glad you’re okay. I didn’t see you in Trost.” He said, offering her a smile at the best of his abilities in the current situation.

Esther’s face dropped a little, and her fingers tightened around the wooden edge. the excuses that didn’t have the right to be valid got stuck in her throat, and she didn’t know what to say.

“I… I was-” She struggled, not being able to find the right combination of words that wouldn’t make her look like a coward; that wouldn’t deem her an unreliable soldier who’d left her comrades behind. 

“What’s the situation over here?” Marco walked over, and inadvertently saved her.

Esther released a silent sigh, the warmth on her nape dissipating a little. She looked away, looked down at Jean again. His blades were protectively held in front him, and the closest titan to him was eagerly trying to reach up to grab him. 

The sight made Esther gulp, almost triggered her instincts to grab his wires and pull him up. Titans were getting dangerously crowded by the wall, and more were walking over to join the trap.

“They managed to lure most of the titans to the town’s edge.” Esther reported, her eyes doing a silent count. “I see at least fifteen. Five more are coming from the centre.” 

Marco stepped closer, and paused next to her. He looked down with hands on his hips and a sigh departing his chest.

“This is getting too dangerous.” He said, watching those who dangled by their wires; holding onto life by a thin thread. 

“As long as we avoid combat, it will be fine. We just need to hold on until Eren carries the boulder to the gate.” Armin reassured, grabbing a set of supply canisters and holding them against his chest; awaiting an urgent call that would rise from his comrades. 

“Yeah, about that…” Marco trailed off, pointing at something in the distance. 

Esther followed it to where a red flare was staining the blue sky. It was rising just near the spot where the lightning was seen a moment ago, and it was alarmingly saturated.

“It failed?” Marco asked, anxiety dimming his tone.

“Why?” Armin’s question was breathy, uneasy. He quickly put down his canisters and started running to where the flare was shot; where Eren was supposed to be.

Esther felt the increased rhythm of her heart, and rose to her feet on instinct. Heavy worry sat right in the middle of her chest and caused her rib cage to struggle as it tried its best to contain her heart. 

She wanted to go after Armin. She wanted to follow him to where Eren was, to see if he was alright. The recent news of his death, his possible suffering and her fears of being left in this world alone once again were pushing her into action, no matter how false they were proved. She was paranoid, and she needed to make sure. Just make sure until her troubled heart was eased again.

She took a step forward, and she walked past Marco. Nothing was standing in her way, no one was telling her to stop. She could run, and no one would attempt to grab her arm. Yet, her movements were slow and hesitant; and yet, she paused before she could break into a sprint.

A gulp made it down her dry throat, her eyes locked on the red, dissipating smoke. Her sudden restraint reminded her of Jean, who entrusted her with the supply crate. He was still down there, hanging a millimetre above his demise, and she had told him she wouldn’t leave this time. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t repeat her mistakes, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to forgive herself if something happened to Jean on top of Ruth and Tom because of her selfish decisions.

So she stopped, and with her worried eyes staring into the distance, she stayed. 

“I’m- I’m sure it’s fine. Whatever is going on, Armin will figure something out.” Marco tried to reassure her, and Esther had no choice but to make herself believe him.

“Yeah,” She murmured, helplessly lowering her gaze and turning back around. 

The decision caused her pain, although not physical, it still inflicted something unbearable on her already struggling mind. She ignored it to the best of her ability; ignored the pull and the pulse, and it hurt.

The zipping of Jean’s wires suddenly brought him back up from his post, and Esther paused on her way back to the supply crate. 

“What happened to Eren?” He asked as soon as his feet touched the ground, as soon as he noticed the faint grimace on Esther’s face.

“I don’t know,” Esther said, her voice sounding detached as concern lingered in her tired eyes. “But I stayed.” 

Jean, with his blades still in his hands and a nervous flush on his face from his previous actions, stared at her with the faintest of frowns. His lips were parted slightly, and his surprise silently escaped from the small gap.

He closed them not long after, and cut off the remaining questions and doubts regarding Esther’s reliability.

“Yeah, I can see that,” He sheathed his blades, just when the leader from another Garrison squad rushed towards them. 

“Cadets!” He urgently announced his arrival, and his upcoming orders. “Gather your best fighters and follow me immediately!” 

Caught surprised, the three of them stared at the squad leader’s widened eyes and panic stricken face. Bad news was written all over his expression, and his non-explanation made the cadets he was addressing pause.

“Now!” He ordered with a firmer voice, and Marco was on the move.

“I’ll get Reiner’s squad. Esther, Sasha and Connie are at the end of the line, you get them. And Jean, replenish your gas if you need to.” He instructed.

Esther, with the nerves of uncertainty mounting on her shoulders, made her way back to Sasha and Connie. 

Everyone who took on a supplier’s job was staring at the red flare, its particles now spreading into a wider area. Nervous whispers were rising, and those who were lowered into the titans’ mouths were getting distracted.

A scream erupted as Esther ran past, and she listened to it get abruptly cut off without having it in herself to pause and to look down. The helpless cries of the soldiers and the continuous orders of their squad leader followed her as she made her way to Connie.

He was waiting with a full gas canister in his arms; his eyes widened as drops of sweat gathered on his temples. He watched Esther rush towards him, and the silent news she was bringing made his hands tighten around the metal before she even uttered them.

“Connie, call Sasha up.” She demanded, pausing a short distance away from him.

“Why? Did the plan fail?” He asked with a slight tremble to his voice.

“I- I don’t know. Maybe.” She said, and the implications of it didn’t make her feel any better. “But Armin is heading there right now. It’s going to be fine.”

Connie didn’t look like he believed her fully, but his expression softened in response to her reassurance regardless. Something naive and something desperate climbed up to the surface, eager to feed on the crumbs of comforting words.

“Yeah, okay.” He put the canister down and kneeled by the edge, calling for Sasha to climb up. 

Sasha looked relieved to finally have escaped the death trap she was put in. Her face was pale when her feet touched the solid ground again, and her damp hair was sticking to her nape and her forehead. Her legs were wobbly as Esther led them back to where Jean was waiting, now with Marco and Reiner’s squad. 

None of them had the time to ask each other how they'd been faring so far. None of them looked as shaken up as Sasha and Connie either, but their eyes were exposing their apprehension nonetheless.

“Follow me,” The squad leader ordered. 

Esther followed the others as they made their way to a group of Garrison soldiers, geared up with fresh blades drawn. She kept glancing at the red signal, even though she knew whatever was happening with Eren wasn’t visible to her eyes. It was unfortunate, and her fingers kept fidgeting out of frustration. Restlessness trapped her behind its unbreakable bars.

“Draw your blades, get ready. We’re going down there.” The leader pointed at the group of buildings slightly away from the edge. No titans were in sight as of yet, but the eerie emptiness of the streets wasn't inviting in any way.

“Down- Down there?” Connie asked, his nervous whisper barely audible. His wide eyes locked on the abandoned district as the squad leader jumped down, barely giving the group he’d gathered a chance to comprehend his intentions.

“I thought we didn’t have to fight again,” Jean murmured to himself, his eyebrows furrowing in irritation.

Esther stopped next to him and watched the Garrison squad follow their leader without questioning, even though they didn’t look happy about it. They must’ve been another division of the elite soldiers, considering their bravery and lack of objections. 

“Maybe we just need to buy some time.” Esther suggested, trying to lift the air of gloominess. She looked nervous herself, and her focus was shifting between her task at hand and Eren, and she wished she had a way of shutting her worries down. 

Jean let out a deep sigh, and took a step forward.

“Yeah, sure. Let’s buy all the time that the maniac needs before he can get the damn job done.” He complained before jumping down, following the squad into town.

Esther watched his wires carry him away as her own group started to go after him one by one, and she felt bad. She felt bad for him, for what he’d endured and kept enduring, and she felt bad for the pressure that Eren must’ve been carrying.

She grabbed her devices and unsheathed her blades, wondering if Eren was panicking. She let herself go, let the air make way to her as she fell, and she wondered if he was blaming himself for the failure of the mission.

She fired her grapples, and glided in the air before her body could hit the ground. She followed the group to an isolated area between two buildings, and she wished she could change her route and pick the one that would lead her to him; just so she could tell him that it was alright, that he was strong and brave enough to achieve anything he put his mind to.

“Listen up,” The leader said when everyone was gathered together. He leaned against a wall just near the entrance of the tight alley, keeping a lookout for the enemy. “The mission hasn’t failed yet, but titans keep walking in through the gate. We need to manually draw them to the edge of the wall, understand?” 

He looked at his group, his furrowed eyebrows quivering slightly as he explained the situation.

“Avoid engagement. You don’t need to fight, just draw them away from Eren Jaeger. Stay focused on that, got it?” He asked, and the group nodded obediently, although uncertainty was a burden on all of their shoulders. “Everyone, form groups of three and run along the ground. When you reach the wall, double back and repeat. Don’t get yourselves killed. If any titans break away, we’ll take care of them.”

“If?” Jean scoffed to himself. “Isn’t it more of a when than an if?”

Annie stepped forward, not acknowledging Jean and addressing their leader directly, “If we think we’re in danger, can we deviate from our orders?” 

“If you believe it’ll help.” The squad leader said, and gave the group less than a minute to organise their groups. 

Esther looked down at her blades, clean and fresh. Her own reflection was shining back to her. Her eyes were tired, so tired and void of their usual light. Shadows were carved below her eyelashes. Her hair was a mess, fugitive strands had escaped her braids to curtain her face. 

She didn’t look so good, but she felt purposeful. She felt the fuelling desire to successfully complete her mission if it meant she’d be able to help Eren and everyone else in whatever way she could. It gathered her shattered focuse together, and made her shoulders stand a little straighter.

“Annie,” She called, lowering her blades. “Do you want to team up with me?”

Annie looked over her shoulder; concentrated yet unbothered eyes examining her face. She wasn’t quick to give an answer.

Esther shifted on the spot, nervous and a little ashamed.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to. I know I couldn’t fight before, so I understand.” She mumbled, averting her eyes. 

Voices were rising in hushed tones behind her as everyone picked themselves a group, and Esther worried that no one would want her in their squad. She frowned at the thought, and the anger that curled her lips was directed at no one but herself. 

She had a way of ruining things, a way of making a decision that would harm her relationship with others. It was the same as when she’d stubbornly stolen Levi’s knife to prove a stupid point. She’d gotten herself in trouble, and had caused him to get mad at her when she could’ve easily avoided the whole ordeal.

What she’d done today was even more reckless than that, and it had resulted in unfixable consequences; casualties she could never make up for. If her comrades were to cast her out, it would be no one’s but her own fault.

When Annie fully turned around to face her, Esther expected her to reject the offer. She avoided her eyes on purpose, and tightened her hands around her devices before she could receive an answer.

“Sure,” Annie said instead, so nonchalantly and casually. She shrugged and walked past her, ignoring the surprised rise of her eyebrows. “We need a third.”

“I’ll join.” Jean said from where he was leaning against the wall, and Esther’s lips parted with words unsaid. 

A relieved weight was dropped from her shoulders, and her fingers relaxed.

“Okay,” She said, sudden enthusiasm giving a lift of confidence to her voice. “I’ll do better this time, I promise! Whatever order you give, I’ll listen, and I won’t abandon-!”

“Will you shut up about that? I get it.” Jean interrupted, pushing himself from the wall. “And you’re in my squad anyway, it’s not like I have a choice.” 

With promises and reassurances stuffed back in her mouth, Esther watched Jean approach the squad leader to announce his group. 

She closed her mouth, and swallowed her eagerness to prove herself.

“Okay.” Her voice was a little quieter. “I just wanted you to know.”

“It’s good to get your head back in the game, but don’t try to do something stupidly heroic.” Annie warned, doing a final safety check on her gear and blades. “Distract the titans from Eren and lead them towards the wall. Focus on that.” 

“Yeah, I know.” Esther nodded, and Annie watched her faint frown just a second longer to be convinced. 

The ground trembled with nearing footsteps just then, and the group was buried in silence. The abandoned buildings were disrupted by approaching danger, and ajar windows creaked just above their heads.

The squad leader rushed to the other side of the entrance, looking around frantically. His focused eyes paused on something he saw in the distance, and he raised a hand to motion for his group.

“Kirstein Squad,” He said, and Esther’s heartbeat gained a nervous speed. “Two coming in from the gate, go!”

With a firm nod, Jean followed the order and exited the alley with Annie and Esther in his tow. Going against their survival instincts, they followed the sound of footsteps instead of running away from them.

The wider shopping street reached a long way to the south where the titans were rushing in from the destroyed gate. Marketplace stands could be seen in the distance, and recent memories came back to life in front of Esther’s eyes as she hurried after Jean.

“This is where I was when the Colossal attacked,” She said as they passed the harmless pebbles that broke off from a larger, deadlier boulder. 

“Sorry your shopping spree was interrupted,” Jean rolled his eyes from the front, his pace slowing down as he spotted the two titans they were tasked to draw away.

One of them was around five meters, burly and slow. The other one was tall, a twelve-meter class with flimsy arms. Its ribcage was showing, and the displayed sharp teeth were eagerly grinding against each other. 

Both of their wide eyes were locked on their squad; bad news gleaming and blinking at them.

“Annie, Esther, you two take the twelve-meter one. I’ll get the other. Let’s lose them near the wall and meet back here.” Jean suggested, looking over his shoulder to make sure that there were no objections. 

“Got it.” Annie replied, and Esther silently nodded in agreement. 

Jean turned to leave with a final ‘Be careful’, and switched to his ODM gear, going after the shorter titan. He grappled onto its shoulders and carefully circled it, drawing its attention to himself. 

Esther watched the titan raise a hand to catch him, its body turning sideways as it took the bait and started following Jean. 

“This is so dangerous,” Esther commented as the twelve-meter class now stood alone, looking down at her and Annie with a disturbing glint in its non-smiling eyes. 

“You can thank Eren when we get out of this place.” Annie mumbled, and switched to her gear when Jean’s titan was led a safe distance away. “Come on.” 

Esther followed her, anchoring herself on nearby buildings to gain speed and altitude. 

“Go to the main road to the west,” Annie said as they closed the distance between themselves and the deadly target. “I’m going to lead it there. As soon as it turns to you, start running to the wall. Got it?”

Esther’s nervousness was rattled by the sound of the plan, and she dreaded running on feet with a titan in her tow, but she didn’t complain. She didn’t object, and despite the uneasy look in her eyes, she clenched her teeth with determination.

“Yes, got it.” She affirmed, and made a turn towards the main road. 

It wasn’t any different than the rest of the abandoned streets, only this one was in quite a bit of disarray. The area that they were in had been the first affected part of the town when the Colossal destroyed the gate. Pieces of stone rubble were everywhere, and the biggest part of it was towards the east where Eren was supposed to be; where he was supposed to lift it and carry it all the way to the hole.

Esther resisted the urge to look over her shoulder just to catch a glimpse of him. The pull was strong and desperate, and it was feeding her unsuccessfully suppressed concern, but she tried her best to manage it.

She landed in between two destroyed stands, and waited for Annie to lead the titan over. Her blades were ready in her hands, shaking and rattling ever so slightly. Fallen fruits and wasted food were lying near her feet, the sun was setting and the sky was getting ready for another rain.

Annie, just like Jean had done, circled the titan and skilfully avoided the trap of its hand. She grappled onto tall roofs, which were scarce in number, and kept its attention on herself as long as she could. 

Esther’s fingers tightened; the metal edges of the trigger guards were bound to bruise her skin. She felt the ground shake violently as the titan started to run towards where she was standing. Its height was covering the sun, and a tall shadow fell over her as she bent her neck back to keep her eyes on its movements.

“Run!” Annie yelled from above as she flew past her, and Esther immediately turned around to break into a sprint. 

Seeing the titan and watching the danger get closer and closer was horrifying, but not being able to know how close it was as she ran away from it was even worse. She could hear its loud footsteps, and she could feel the ground beneath her shake with the force of its steps; so violently that it almost made her lose her balance, but she had no idea when a hand would reach out and grab her.

With her torso leaning forward and blades facing backwards, she tried her best to run as fast as she could. 

Annie landed a short distance in front of her, quickly looked back to evaluate the distance Esther had between herself and the titan, and started running along with her.

“Annie, this is extremely dangerous!” Esther repeated, now shouting in panic. Her voice barely managed to break the deafening noise of the footsteps coming from behind. 

“I’m well aware!” Annie shouted back. Her eyes were narrowed below the firm furrow of her eyebrows, and she never broke her focused gaze away from the wall that was awaiting them. “Just a little longer!”

Esther, eyes on the wall in the distance, tried to focus on her steady speed and nothing else. Drowning out the sound of her impending doom wasn’t as easy of a task to perform, and if that wasn’t enough for her to break out in sweat, a loud growl sounded from the other side of the town with enough force to travel through the district in disturbing waves. 

It was a thunderous roar, a dangerous noise echoing across the town and reaching Esther; startling her and almost causing her to falter.

“Keep going!” Annie warned, not at all affected by the disturbance.

Esther was breathless, and her eyes were widened. Her parted lips were letting out stuttering breaths, and in the midst of the ruckus, she wanted nothing more than to turn around.

“Was that Eren?” She breathed out, glancing at Annie from the corner of her eye. Her blonde hair was slowly escaping from its bounds, the short strands flowing in the air and flying into her face.

“Doesn’t matter right now, just run!” Annie dismissed the question, but Esther had a hard time letting it go. 

Annie kept insinuating that Eren was none of her concern, that whatever happened to him didn’t get to be more important than what would happen to her. Esther knew Annie was just being logical, and she learned it the hard-way that battlefields were no place for emotions. 

But Annie didn’t know what it was like to have a pulsing will in her head that begged and begged for her to be near Eren. She didn’t know what it was like to taste the fear of losing someone until it physically tore her heart into sharp pieces; until those fragments stabbed her chest from the inside. Annie didn’t know what the deafening silence of her own voice and thoughts had done to her just a few hours ago. 

But Esther made a promise, and she wouldn’t break it until it was fulfilled. So she ran, and she watched the distance between herself and the wall get smaller as her lungs started to protest.

“We’ll go in different directions on my call. Go directly back to our meeting point.” Annie ordered, and all Esther could let out was a hum of acknowledgment.

They ran past a clock tower, and the titan pursued them without faltering. When Esther leaned her head back, she was able to see the soldiers watching on guard on top of the wall. They were small and barely recognisable, but the sight of them was still a touch of comfort nonetheless.

“Now! Switch to your gear!” Annie instructed, and they simultaneously fired their hooks in opposite directions. 

Esther went left, the wires pulling her up and cutting her legs from the ground. The belts squeezing and adding pressure on her muscles didn’t let her legs rest even for a second, but she pushed on. She added a few blocks between herself and the titan and quickly doubled back to reach her final destination. 

Her hooks broke the surface of a nearby building, and a dark spot appeared in her vision before she could travel for more than a short few meters. Their invasion was discreet, and forced to become familiar in a single day.

Esther’s eyes widened, and she hurriedly fiddled with her triggers, trying to make a safe landing on the ground.

“No.” Her voice trembled. “No, not now. Not now!”

But life rarely recognised her pleas, and it wasn’t keen on showing her any mercy whenever she asked for it. She knew what was happening, what was coming, and the panic inducing knowledge caused her limbs to tangle and her fingers to almost pull the wrong triggers as she struggled to lower herself down.

Another black spot covered one half of her vision, and she almost tripped; almost lost her balance and fell down. 

Darkness got a hold of her, and she felt warm as soon as her feet safely touched the ground. She felt so warm that it almost suffocated her, so warm that it almost distracted her from the shift in her vision; from the sight of bare tendons connecting themselves to her skin.

Her skin?

The vision wavered, and Esther was stuck in a loop of the dark, confined space and the abandoned street that she was standing in. Her head throbbed, and something unidentifiable kept pulsing with enough force that she would attempt to raise a helpless hand up to her temple if she could. 

I’m tired, Eren’s beautifully familiar voice hushed her fears, subdued the wave of panic that rushed through her. I’m so tired.

Esther, frozen on the spot, listened with her wide eyes locked on the broken streetlamp on the ground. Her legs wanted to crumble beneath her, and she wanted to curl up against the nearest wall. 

He was consuming, addicting. She wanted to keep hearing his voice so badly, and her blades almost fell from her weakening grasp.

But her promise was pulling her in the other direction with all its might. The importance of it made her blink, again and again until her vision was cleared and Eren’s voice was shut down. It had sounded so calm, so soft in her head, and it pained Esther to tear herself away from it.

“I’m so sorry, Eren,” She whimpered, her eyelids lowering halfway as she tried to gather herself, as she tried to gulp her sharp-edged guilt down.

Her sight cleared slowly, and she wiped her damp forehead with the back of her arm. Thin strands of her hair were sticking to her skin, and she felt hot. She wanted to take her jacket off, to throw her bandana away.

He was draining her. Each time he connected to her in a way Esther couldn’t make sense of, her strength crumbled under the weight of his presence. However, it still wasn’t enough to erase Esther’s burning regret as she fixed her hold on her blades and took a wobbly step forward.

“I made a promise,” She explained, hoping he could hear her. She forced herself to open her eyes fully, and saw the rays break through the clouds and shine a warm light on her path. “Forgive me, Eren.”

And she fired her hooks once again, rising from the ground and letting the wires and the wind carry her back to their meeting point. She had to shut it down, to shut everything down from the voices to the most unbearable emotions. She had to believe that Armin would use his intelligence in the most beneficial way possible to help Eren, and she had to trust every soldier on these very grounds to keep him safe; including herself. 

When she reached the shopping street, Annie was already there; standing on top of the highest building with blades in hand. She was looking down at the nearby alleyway, and her gaze didn’t waver even when Esther landed next to her.

“Where’s Jean?” Esther asked, pulling her bandana even lower and letting the cool air touch the skin of her neck to get rid of her lightheadedness. It didn’t help at all. 

“Distracting another one,” Annie explained, pointing at the tight alleyway she’d been staring at. Esther followed her gaze and stepped closer to the edge to see better. The rain gutter creaked under her step.

Jean’s lone figure was there, running amidst the rubble and the windowsill pots that had been knocked over. He was heading towards a dead end, and an eight-meter class was chasing him blindly. 

When he neared the big chunk of rubble cutting the alley in the middle, he paused and turned around; anchoring himself to a tall post and readying his fingers on his triggers to pull himself up when the time was right. 

The titan hurriedly closed the small gap between them, and Jean pressed the trigger. Much to his, and his small audience’s horror, nothing happened.

He pressed it again, once, twice. When his wires didn’t pull him away from the danger, bitterly cold water poured all over him in panic. His device didn’t pull his hand to where his wires were attached, and there were mere seconds between him and his gruesome death.

With no other choice at present, he retracted his wires and turned back around; hastily climbing over the rubble and running as fast as his legs allowed him. 

“What is he doing?” Esther frowned in confusion, and in concern. She watched him from higher ground as he tried to avoid the searching hand that kept swatting at the ground he was running on in attempts to catch him somehow. There was barely any distance left between them. 

“He’s not using his gear,” Annie pointed out the obvious, her voice calm and collected in comparison to Esther’s.

“Is it malfunctioning?” She asked, looking at Annie over her shoulder.

Annie didn’t answer, Jean’s misfortune was obvious enough. She looked up and searched the vicinity instead, the gears in her head turning as she took in the current situation.

“More of them keep coming in from the gate. Two more are heading towards Jean.” She reported, and Esther looked around with her eyes widening each time a new titan made it to her silent count.

They were pouring in, more and more. The edge of the wall was crammed with titans, and their comrades were struggling to keep them there. Lives had been lost, no doubt, more than one. Trying to lead the newcomers away was as pointless as pouring water into a bucket with holes. All of their efforts would be in vain if Eren couldn’t lift the boulder.

Esther turned her anxiety-filled eyes back on Jean, catching the sight of him just as he threw himself into an abandoned house. Dread filled Esther’s thoughts.

“He trapped himself,” She whispered. 

If there was one thing she’d learned in the Underground, it was to never run into a place she couldn’t escape from with enemies in her tow. Running into a corner was a mindless, desperate move that would get one to be caught quite easily.

Titans were another story completely. The one chasing Jean was tall, it could punch a hole through the walls. It could destroy the whole building and crush him under the heavy rubble; eventually killing him. 

“I’ll eliminate it.” Esther said with determination, and made a move to jump off the roof.

Annie, however, firmly grabbed her forearm and pulled her back.

“What did I tell you? Don’t try to do something stupidly heroic.” She warned for the second time in the span of a few minutes, but Esther wasn’t having it this time.

“So what, we just leave him to die?” She gestured at the building that was caging Jean in with her blade, a defensive tone adding more volume to her voice.

A faint, concentrated frown appeared on Annie’s face. It was thoughtful as she searched her surroundings; loosening her hand around Esther’s arm. 

The boulder Eren was supposed to lift was visible from where they were standing. It wasn’t too far away, and some of the titans who just walked through the gate were heading there. Eren’s titan was nowhere to be seen. 

The titan that had been chasing Jean was lingering around the building where his prey was hiding in, and the two that Annie just mentioned were making their way to him. 

Connie and Sasha were watching the scene from a nearby rooftop, pointing and mumbling with nervousness etched onto their faces. Marco was with them, questioning the situation. Reiner and Bertholdt weren’t around. 

Annie tried not to dwell on it. She turned back to Esther and pointed at one of the stray titans walking past the gate. 

“The one who’s heading here from the gate, can you lead it away?”

“Yes.” Esther said immediately, not even turning to look at it. Her eagerness to help was growing stronger than her ever-present fear, and her need to fulfil her promise couldn’t have any barricades in the middle of its already rocky path.

“Good, do that. I’ll get Connie, Sasha and Marco. We’ll deal with those three who are after Jean.”

“Got it,” Esther nodded. 

She quickly turned around to make her way to the other side of the roof, the side that faced the gaping hole in the gate. One of them, as Annie said, was making its way towards the centre. Its focus was ripping apart in between the group of soldiers near the marketplace and Eren’s post by the boulder. All Esther had to do was distract it.

“Remember what I just said.” Annie warned after her one last time.

Esther paused before she could jump off the roof, and looked over her shoulder. Don’t do anything stupidly heroic.

“I remember. I’ve got this, you just focus on saving him.” 

Annie was caught off guard with a surprised look on her face. She raised an eyebrow, and a faint scoff made it to the surface as Esther turned back around.

“Did you just tell me to focus?” Annie asked, the disbelief swimming in her clear eyes along with her faint, ill-timed amusement, but Esther was gone before she could finish her rhetorical question. 

She quickly made her way to the stray titan, grappling onto the closest buildings while trying to keep an eye out for any potential enemies. It was difficult, because her eyes kept shifting from one spot to the other. She had so many things on her mind, and she had nothing at all at the same time. Something in there was eerily quiet, and her thoughts had been through so much since the morning that her mental exhaustion was taking a toll on her body and her concentration.

Still, she pushed on. It was all she could do, all she needed to do. She’d been given an order, and she had no other option than to obey it. 

She flew past the apartment blocks near the river, and the streets below her led to a small opening with scarce greenery scattered around. There was a huge boulder in the middle of it all, and a titan sitting with its back against it without moving an inch. 

Esther’s eyes landed on the scene, and her eyes widened at the sight of Armin’s familiar blond head on top of the titan’s nape. His blade was buried deep in its skin, and his hooks safely attached to each side of him. 

The titan, limp and seemingly knocked out, sent a jolt through her brain and shook all the worry she’d been trying so hard to subdue awake. Whatever dysfunctional thoughts she had left stopped flowing through her mind, and her fingers moved on their own to pull the triggers.

Esther quickly landed on the ground not too far from the boulder and the titan. She felt small, smaller than an ant that could be crushed under someone’s foot any second as she looked up at the immense size of the large rock, and at the titan sitting unconscious next to it.

Its neck was bent forward, and its dark brown hair was long enough to curtain its face. Its unmoving hands laid on each side of it, and Esther didn’t need to take a step forward to see the greenery in its half-lidded eyes. 

The gentle breeze seemed to stop as she stared at it. As she stared at him. Nothing but the faintest of gasps left through the gap of her parted lips.

There was no mistaking the obvious, it was him. It had to be him. The colour of the titan’s eyes were the same as Eren, now bigger and sharper. If Esther were to step closer, she would be able to see her own reflection in them as clearly as the brightest crystal.

Her tense shoulders were pulled up, and the curve of her eyebrows was vulnerable. She could hear the footsteps of the titan she was supposed to distract in the distance, but her eyes were unblinking. Her gaze couldn’t be torn away from the titan right in front of her.

“Eren?” His name left her lips no louder than a hesitant whisper. 

She received no response, and not a single sign of acknowledgement. 

She took a step forward, slowly, cautiously.

“Esther!” Armin noticed her from where he was hanging onto his blade on top of Eren’s nape. “Don’t get too close, you’ll get hurt! He’s not himself right now!”

Esther’s widened eyes shifted to him, and her eyebrows twitched in confusion.

What’s that even supposed to mean? She wanted to ask, but the dire situation led to different sort of questions.

“What- What’s happening? Why isn’t he lifting the boulder?” Esther yelled to make Armin hear her voice. It was no surprise that some kind of weakness accompanied her faltering tone. 

“He won’t wake up! I’m trying, just keep the titans away, please!” Armin explained briefly, but Esther had a hard time moving.

The dread she’d been feeling ever since her eyes landed on Jean and his malfunctioning gear grew in size. The drops of fear turned its puddle into the sea in Armin’s book, into something even bigger and deeper than that. 

“He’s tired,” Esther mumbled to herself. He was tired, he’d told her so. He couldn’t get up, couldn’t control whatever power had been bestowed upon him all of a sudden, and Esther doubted he had the faintest clue about how to control it.

Despite Armin’s warning, Esther approached Eren’s titan. She stepped closer to his limp hand and looked up at his half-lidded eyes. His long hair buried them in dark shadows, and his fearsome face was moulded into a deep, unbreakable frown. 

Esther, strangely enough, didn’t feel fear. All the other titans she’d seen so far were horrifying, but not as formidable as the one Eren somehow managed to conjure. 

Their eyes were dead, empty of light. Their smile was unnatural, forced. Eren wasn’t like them, he didn’t display an unnatural emotion that didn’t belong to him in the first place. His sharp teeth were showing, making him even more threatening, but Esther knew. She knew the boy that he was; headstrong and stubborn but always kind and caring, always willing to help her, to believe in her when she didn’t have a single thing to believe in.

“It’s alright.” She said, but the words weren’t meant for Armin. 

She looked into his eyes even if he was unseeing, even when Armin was yelling at her to step away. 

“Eren, I’ve been meaning to tell you that it’s alright,” Esther continued regardless. “I’m tired too. I can barely stand, and I don’t even understand why, but I understand you. I swear, I do.”

Eren was unresponsive. She wasn’t even sure if he could hear her. She couldn’t tell if he was able to understand what she was trying to say.

She adjusted her grip on her blades, and listened to the footsteps getting closer and closer. She looked down helplessly, and wondered if there was anything she could do; anything that anyone would be able to do. 

Her eyes stayed a moment longer on his hand. It was standing right next to her, and if he wanted to, he could crush her under the force of it in a split second. She wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.

Esther knew that, but she knew him even better. She memorised the lingering touch on her wrist whenever he wanted to show her something, to take her somewhere. So she put her blade away, raised a hand, and placed it on the side of his pinky finger; which was way bigger than her whole mass.

She wondered if he could feel her, if he could even find comfort in her desperate yet hopeless attempt to bring him back, or if it was no different than the kiss of the weakest breeze on a summer noon.

It was a strange thing to do, making contact with a titan without it trying to eat her. His skin was warm, warmer than she expected. It made darkness appear in her vision in the shape of the sweet vines of his seizing presence, and she welcomed it wholeheartedly without putting up a pointless fight.

I’m sorry, his voice filled her mind again, and her sight got painted red. Esther. Esther, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. 

Blood was consuming, it was the depthless quicksand that was trying to trap Eren. The hot steam was doing its best to drown him, to burn his eyes and to scorch his lungs. The tears falling from his eyes evaporated not long after, he could feel them turn into nothing.

Deformed bits of bodies were swimming around him, someone was dying with him. He could barely stand the cry for a mother’s help.

“I’m sorry,” the apology left his lips until he couldn’t find his voice anymore. He looked up, his eyes shifting to the window he’d fallen through into a titan’s stomach, and Esther’s sight cleared simultaneously.

She came to her own senses, slowly and in the most unsteady manner. The warmth of Eren’s titan felt too much just then, as if it was burning her own skin. The gruesome scene of death choked her, and her lips parted even more to desperately let more air in.

“It’s alright,” She said once more, now with a broken voice. Now with a tear rolling down her cheek, her own eyes burning with regret for something she would never be able to fix. “You don’t need to apologise anymore, it’s me who should be apologising. I didn’t want you to die, but I didn’t know where to find you. I couldn’t be there for you, I couldn’t be there for anyone. I don’t know how to make up for what I’ve done.”

With no reaction from him, Esther retreated. She pulled her hand away, and wiped her eyes with the rough sleeve of her jacket. A sniff suppressed her boiling emotions, and she took a step back.

“Please, end this mission so no one else dies. End this so I can ask you for forgiveness. You’re the only one who’ll listen to me.” She pleaded, and waited just a second longer. She looked into his eyes from meters below, and she waited for something to change; for him to come to his senses and to grant her a fraction of mercy. 

The reality was nothing but emptiness, nothing but heavy footsteps closing in on her. 

With her shoulders slouched in defeat, and with her newly forming frown opposing it, she turned around and drew her sheathed blade.

“Hurry up, Armin!” She urged him before firing her hooks and getting back to her mission she’d put a pause to. 

The eyes of Eren’s titan shifted as Esther rose from the ground, and they watched those wires of hers take her away; away and into where danger had been calling her name.

She was burdened. The muscles on her shoulders and around her neck were tense, her heart was pained. Her fingers were trembling, and her sight was frustratingly blurry as she made her way to the stray titan. 

It was hideous looking, that stupid open-mouth smile on its face deepened her frown.

She whizzed past its wide eyes, and they followed her movement with utmost attention, mindlessly following her as she navigated through the streets; tracking the route back to the main road to the west. 

Her anxiety had found its way to her newborn anger, they danced together to the sound of her unstoppable sniffing. That dark, suffocating place remained engraved in her mind, and she couldn’t understand why Eren had to go through that. She didn’t understand what he’d done to suffer the most traumatic deaths possible just to come back to life, and to relive the pain of it until the end of his days. She didn’t, and wouldn’t understand why any of her comrades had to go through that, why she had to run away from it as a titan chased after her with an unbreakable resolve.

Flare signals were being shot in all directions, rising from different spots of the district. Red and green meshed together in some parts, and she didn’t know what they meant anymore. She was all alone in a dangerous territory, she didn’t even know if Annie was able to save Jean, or if fate was cruel enough to make him suffer the same way it made Eren suffer. 

She landed on the ground with a roll to break her speed when she reached the main road, and she started running. She wasn’t such a stranger to the deafening sound of footsteps following her anymore. Her face wasn’t as terrified, and if she had the energy to kill her pursuer, she wouldn’t shy away from giving it a try.

The wall was getting closer again. She ran as fast as she could. Her legs were protesting, even more than they had during her training days. She was tired, so tired. Her unshed tears stabbed into her eyes each time she blinked, yet she pushed forward. 

When she reached the final blocks near the wall, she got her fingers ready on the triggers to give her a boost to the side. She got ready to double back to the roof she’d parted ways with Annie. 

That was before the building on her right crumbled into sharp rubble and flying bricks; before a titan came rushing at her through the collapsing walls with bloodlust carved into its face, brightened its lifeless eyes.

The earsplitting sound of it all startled Esther; made her eyes widen and her steps falter. Time was stuck in slow motion; she watched the titan’s hand come clutching at her. Its aim was off, and everything about it was suddenly unpredictable. Its hand collided with the empty road before her and sent a shock wave to the earth beneath her feet. The force knocked her over, caused her to lose her balance and sent her flying a small distance back.

A surprised yelp left her mouth, and a pained one joined it as she fell on her back; her gear uncomfortably digging into her spine. Her blades faced the danger of falling from her hands, but she held onto them for dear life. 

Her ears rang as she rolled over; as panic and adrenaline forced her to stand back up as quickly as possible. 

Her teeth were clenched, and her grimace was pained. She resisted the urge to rub her lower back, and instead looked at where an abandoned building was now in ruins with a titan now standing in its place.

Her eyes took in the appearance of her attacker, and a cold drop of sweat rolled down her forehead. It was the same titan as before, the one with flimsy arms and a prominent ribcage, the one she led away with Annie. It hadn’t found its way to the group of other titans on its own, it stayed where they’d left it instead. 

“You were an abnormal!?” The question was accompanied by cold beads of sweat cooling the warm skin of her face, of her neck and her back. Her whole body was on fire. Ever since she’d seen that gruesome memory of Eren’s, she was being scorched to bits until all that was left of her was regretful, smouldering dust.

A stuttering breath of unease left her lips as she watched it crawl to her. The footsteps of the other titan she’d been distracting got just a little louder, dangerously closer. In that short span of time that felt like it would tormentingly drag on forever, she sent a short glance over her shoulder. It was close. Her imminent death was so close, so big with nowhere for her to escape.

I won’t always be there, Levi had once told her. Don’t ever get yourself cornered, he’d warned, and Esther had stupidly dismissed his words at the time.

She’d wanted to believe that she would always have him, even though she’d faced the cruelty of life early on; even though she knew how unlikely her wishes were. She knew there would come a time where she would have to make her own decisions, where she would have to look after herself, but not like this. 

What a twisted joke life had thrown at her now. Just a few minutes ago, she was watching Jean and feeling dread at the way he’d trapped himself in an inescapable corner. And now, she was the one with nowhere else to run to.

The titan from before raised its hand again, slowly at first, but time eventually turned back to normal, and Esther had no choice but to jump to the side to avoid getting caught.

Her shoulder hit the decorative pillar of a shop, and she watched in horror as its hand disrupted the cobblestones that she stood on a second ago.

The abnormal was stubborn, it swatted at the pillar she threw herself into. It made the wood turn into sharp splinters, made them rain down on Esther as she dodged the destructive blow. 

The running titan caught up to her faster than she would’ve preferred. It didn’t acknowledge the abnormal, and threw itself at her in a desperate attempt to catch her with its wide open mouth.

Esther couldn’t think, couldn’t hear her own thoughts over the sound of her frantic heartbeat. Her body acted on its own as she jumped over a stall of fresh, daily bread to avoid getting captured. 

This was bad. She was cornered into a building wall with two titans caging her in, one of them being an unpredictable abnormal. The pain at her back was dissipating as adrenaline and her will to survive did their very best to support her. 

She stuck to the building and ran as quickly as she could. There were canvases over her head, fabrics initially used to shade the goods from the bright sunlight now helping her shield herself from the titans, no matter how briefly. 

Esther could see them run with her, could see their arms and legs as they followed her. Her eyes were almost black now, her widened pupils hiding everything except for her focus trying to climb over her fear and anxiety.

Her only choice was to keep running towards the wall. Her area of movement was limited, she needed to break free from the canvases and poles; stands and wagons so she could switch to her ODM gear. She could reach the wall in seconds, she still had enough gas. She could climb up and find safety again. She just needed an opening.

Don’t you dare die today, she was reminded of Eren’s firm warning at the headquarters. It was sudden and overwhelming, but it was a mantra she needed to keep hearing in order to push faster than her previous step.

“I won’t,” She breathed out, jumping over a broken down stall of crushed tomatoes. The wood and the ground were covered in red, it looked like blood. It made Esther’s frown shift into momentary susceptibility; a sensitivity towards what was supposed to be the most harmless scene. 

She drew in a sharp breath and repeated, repeated as long as it took for her to convince herself, “I won’t die. Not now, not like this.”

The abnormal suddenly blocked her path with its hand, tearing the stand canvases down and stabbing itself with the poles and pillars. 

Steam rose before Esther as she came to a sudden halt. A door was to her left, the small window on it showed the small general store inside. 

Without thinking, Esther pushed open the door and threw herself inside. She closed it immediately and pressed her back to it, as if it would be able to keep two gigantic monsters outside. 

She stepped away from the door and made her way further into the store. Canned foods were organised on top of the wooden shelves. A dustpan and brush had been knocked over near the counter, possibly thrown aside during the sudden evacuation. 

Esther walked past it. Shattered glass cracked beneath her boots, she paused momentarily to look at the broken jar of pickles by her feet. She walked over them.

She went behind the counter and sat down in its shadow. The sunlight wasn’t as bright anymore, it was slowly faring its goodbye for this horrific day. Candles weren’t lit, there was no one to light them. Her blades were abandoned on the floor.

She pulled her knees to her chest and buried her head in her hands. Her fingers dug into her hair, her knuckles got buried in her roots, and she stared into the darkness of the small space as the titans lingered outside; making the building groan as they tried to find a way inside.

“I can’t die now,” Esther mumbled to herself. Her voice sounded detached from the world. The hands grabbing her hair were shaking. “Eren will lift the boulder. Levi is just outside the walls. I need to survive.” 

I need to fight. I need to survive. She repeated those words over and over again until her heart calmed down just a little, until her breathing turned back to normal, whatever was considered normal in this nightmare of a situation. 

I know this, She thought, remembering a gruesome scene from years ago. Remembering the words whispered in her ear before her knife blinked at her in the darkness of an alley where she was being dragged into, remembering the way her only weapon got coloured in scarlet. If I don’t fight, I can’t win.

She lowered her trembling hands and looked to the side, looked at the upper half of the window that was visible over the counter. She could see the shadows of her persistent pursuers. They wouldn’t go away anytime soon, and if she stayed in there long enough, she’d surely invite more to her hiding place; which would soon turn into her eternal resting place unless she did something about it.

Her blades caught the reflection of the warm tinted sky outside. Esther looked down, looked at their shiny surface and watched the time pass by. There were heavy footsteps far in the distance, she could almost feel the world shake under its force.

She touched the sharp edge of her blades, tapped a finger on the steel and closed her eyes for a short moment in time.

She knew her ODM gear like it had always been a part of her. She manoeuvred with it like it was second nature, like she was born to fly. All she needed was an opening, a small, tiny opening for her to switch to her gear. And then, she could go anywhere she wanted with it, anywhere that was away from this godforsaken place. 

That sweet lullaby of giving up rarely mattered, and she rarely entertained the idea of it. No matter how tired she was, no matter how her own mind seemed to detach itself from her body without meaning to, she refused to die here. 

Esther’s fingers found their way into the trigger holes, and she grabbed her blades once again. She opened her eyes, and her aching legs pushed her up. The floorboards creaked under her step as she walked around the store, searched for a back door, for different windows that looked into a view away from the two titans. She looked for a second floor even, but there were none. Her only way was forward, and forward was nothing but possible demise.

She made her way back to the front door. The square window on it showed her a grim scene.

The abnormal was looking inside through the glass, its wide eye was almost sticking to the door. It was unblinking, eerie and heart stopping. Esther knew that if she were to miraculously survive this, she would have endless nightmares about her own exhausted and terrified reflection in a titan’s eye.

She stepped closer to it, slowly and hesitantly. In the first year of the Cadet Corps, their lecturer had taught them that the abnormal titans were unpredictable, that logic wouldn’t apply to them, that they were ten times more dangerous than normal titans; and that, if possible, direct engagement should be avoided at all costs.

Esther knew her time was limited. She knew the titan could push its hand through the door and grab her without hesitation. The only reason it hadn’t done so was its incalculable nature, and its stupid mind that worked differently than a human’s brain. 

So she did the one thing she could think of, and she braced herself before smashing the glass barrier between them into shreds and stabbing her blade right into the centre of its wide pupil. 

The shattered window rained down on her hand and around her wrist, cutting and marking her skin as an inhuman groan rose from the titan’s throat. Hot steam immediately left the injury she caused and attacked her face, but she was prepared for it this time. Her eyes were squeezed shut, and her clenched teeth had prepared her for the uncomfortable sensation.

Esther barely felt the cuts on her hands. She barely saw the blood starting to leak from the tears. What she felt was the pull on her shoulder as the titan went to retreat, dragging her with it. 

Her other hand caught the edge of the door, and her cheek pressed against the small shards of glass still hanging from the head of the window.

With a wail of protest, she detached her blade from her device, and almost fell on her back when the force trying to pull her outside disappeared. 

Esther stumbled back a little, and watched the unblinking eye, now injured and bleeding, disappear from the door. She didn’t have any time to think, she grabbed a fresh blade from her scabbard and pulled the door open; throwing herself out and running right into the first opening that her eyes latched onto. 

The abnormal was covering its eye with one hand, a gesture that she realised resembled a human’s reaction to pain, a gesture that the other titan that she’d stabbed made. 

Its free hand was resting on the ground where it recently blocked her path. It was in her way still, so she fired her hooks and anchored herself to its wrist. A sharp, brief cry helped her gather her strength as she flew past it, but not before her blades cleanly cut right through it; costing the abnormal an eye and a hand.

Its balance was thrown off the moment Esther relieved it of its hand, and it fell against the building with a loud collision. She didn’t look back to watch it in childish satisfaction. All she left in her wake was splattered blood that steamed away not long after.

Her altitude had been low to begin with, she didn’t have the time to grapple onto a different, higher level. She landed back on the ground, her path now clear of any abnormals, and she ran towards the middle.

The other titan, however, was still as stubborn as its unpredictable friend. It stumbled over the struggling abnormal and ran after her. Esther heard its heavy footsteps, but didn’t bother looking over her shoulder to assess the distance it had before it’d reach her. Instead, she switched to her gear as soon as she reached an opening where her wires wouldn’t get tangled up around a barrier, and she pulled herself onto a high level roof.

She started to breathe better when her wires retracted. An air of temporary relief filled her lungs, and her tense shoulders slouched ever so slightly.

With her heaving chest attempting to calm itself, she looked down from the edge. The titan was leaning against the building, helplessly reaching up in hopes of filling its ever-so-hungry stomach. Saliva was leaking from the corner of its mouth, and bloodshot veins were visible from the unnatural widening of those empty eyes.

Esther watched its unfriendly face with a frown. She could see the abnormal from her peripheral vision, it was trying to clumsily rise from where it’d fallen. 

“It really is revolting to look at you,” She spat, her tone breathy from the energy she’d used just to climb onto a safe surface. 

The sting on her hand gradually made itself noticeable. Esther raised her injured hand slightly, and saw blood leaking from several cuts below and above her knuckles. They oozed out from the wounds and dripped on her gear, staining the steel and the metal. The abnormal’s blood had splattered her jacket, it was rolling down her sleeve and towards her hand. If it wasn’t for the sizzling steam, she wouldn’t know which was her own blood and which wasn’t. 

A displeased tsk left her curled lips as she took in the state of her hand and her device. It would need proper attention and a box of healing paste for a few days, along with a change of bandages. Not to mention the filthy stains forming on her clothes and her gear, but there was nothing that could be done at the moment.

She turned to walk away and to head back to the wall, but those heavy footsteps that she’d heard before sounded again. Again and again, and an involuntary pause made her look over her shoulder to search for its source. 

Something was moving in the distance, behind the roofs of the buildings and the heads of the taller titans. 

Esther squinted her eyes to see better. The object was round, a rough texture of a stone made its surface, and it was suspiciously close to where Eren was sitting unconscious a few minutes ago. 

She let out a stuttering breath when the buildings came to an end, and she noticed the long brown hair of Eren’s titan, now carrying the boulder of immense size to the gate; slowly and with difficulty, but with determination nonetheless. 

“Eren,” Esther whispered in what sounded like relief, in what sounded like a pittance of joy; the crumbs of excitement that she could gather in her palm in the bloodbath around her. 

He was doing it. Whatever emotions burdened him, he pushed through them and managed to lift the boulder despite his exhaustion. Steam was rising from all over his body, covering and following him. 

The gate wasn’t too far away, it wouldn’t take him more than a minute to seal the hole. The battle was about to end, and the remaining soldiers were about to catch a break from this tormenting doomsday. 

Esther turned her back to the wall, and took a few unsteady steps in Eren’s direction. No matter the distance between them, her mind still overpowered her will to find safety on the wall; because safety surely had to be closer to him than it was to the grey, looming rocks. Because comfort and the certainty of constancy was wherever he was, and that short moment during which she stood by him was safer than the roads she’d traveled with titans in her tow.

Logic abandoned her, and took her plans with it. She traced back the road she tried so hard to escape from and grappled to the roof tiles, to the pillars and walls, to the doors and wooden windowsills. Her wires carried her, rendered her weightless as she rushed towards him.

She could see titans lingering around him, and she could see the wires of other soldiers catch the rays of the setting sun as they tried to protect Eren. 

Esther could help. She could protect him too. She’d been distracting titans and leading them away for a while now, she could do it a little bit longer. Her hand was bleeding, harmless cuts drew tiny drops of blood to her cheek, and her legs were hurting. Shadows under her eyes were becoming dark, but she could hold on for a bit longer; just a little while longer.

Her right wire was shot and her hook was buried in the brick wall of a store, but Esther was never able to retract it. A sudden resistance made her frown, and she looked down to see the abnormal grab it in its healing hand.

Before her eyes had the chance to widen, the wire was pulled down and she was torn away from the sky; falling, grabbed by her wing. 

The collision was hard, painful to look at, and even more painful to experience. She fell on her side, the sharp edges of her scabbard dug deep in her hip. The surprised and pained yelp that left her mouth was cut short when her head slammed into the uneven cobblestones. 

She felt it, felt the unbearable pain hit her in waves; travel through her skull and shatter her vision. She saw a flash of white for a brief second, and she spotted darkness for the next moment. One of her ears was ringing, and her head was pressing itself against the ground; mindlessly applying pressure with the hopes of relieving the throbbing ache.

A whine left her lips as she squirmed on the ground, trying to push herself to her feet. Her frown was painfully deep, and her lowered eyelids felt so heavy all of a sudden.

She struggled to push herself on her knees, her elbows having a hard time lifting her torso up, and her head still leaning sideways unconsciously.

“Are you-” She struggled to say as her half-lidded eyes found the abnormal. It was sitting a short distance away from her, still holding her wire in its hand. Its eye was almost healed, and it looked ready to jump at her any second. “Are you… kidding me?”

Since when could they grab wires? Since when could they even think to do that? Why was her temple burning up? 

With her blades now fallen from her grasp, Esther pressed her palms against the ground and pushed herself up. She needed to stand up, to get away from this street.

She pulled one of her bent knees up with great strength and let her foot touch the ground; eventually standing up and stumbling on her feet before finding her balance. It was still somewhat lost. Even when she stood on her two feet, she still couldn’t help the sway of her body. 

The titans, especially the abnormal, were fixated on her. And with her wire still clutched in its hand, she wouldn’t be able to go anywhere. 

Esther ignored the black spots in her vision to the best of her abilities. She ignored the faint blur before her eyes and the warm dampness on her temple, and carefully leaned down to grab her blades again. 

“Try all- all you want.” She mumbled, watching the titan get on its feet the same time she raised one of her blades. “I’m not dying because of you.” 

The blade went down with a swoosh and cut her wire off. She watched it fall and curl on the ground and in the gaps between the stones. 

Was it a stupid decision? Probably. But what else was there to do? She couldn’t think, she couldn’t waste any time on pondering; she’d wasted enough just with trying to get up on her feet. One wire had to be enough, it was all she needed to get away. 

When the abnormal rose to its feet and gave away its intention to go after her, Esther turned her back to it. She attached her remaining hook to a building in the far distance, as far as her wire could go, and pulled the trigger to carry herself forward.

The titan missed her by a crucial second, jumping on her the moment her wire dragged her away; leaving nothing behind but rising dust from where her boots scraped on the ground.

It was difficult, and it was unnatural. One wire made it difficult for Esther to raise herself into the air. She was forced to stay low, to skim over the cobblestones and the rubble on the ground until her wire was completely retracted. Even then, even when she reached the building she was anchored to, she wasn’t able to climb. 

Her mind had been put through so much. Her voice had been shut down and her thoughts had left their place to Eren’s cries and apologies. Her memories had been replaced with his dreadful ones, and she’d been exhausted beyond limit. The recent hit she received was the final blow, it affected her down to her sight. 

She couldn’t see that well, her world was buried under a transparent mist that just wouldn’t go away. No matter how hard she blinked, no matter how hard she prayed, she was holding on by a string. 

With nowhere to run to, she pulled her wire back and pushed the heavy door of the building open. Maybe she was trapping herself again, maybe she was going against Levi’s cautious approach again, but it was all she was capable of doing. 

She couldn’t run to Eren, not with a single wire, not with a head injury. It was bleeding, she was sure of it. She could feel the harmless warmth grow into an uncomfortable burn. She couldn’t go to him, and offer to protect him when she wasn’t even able to protect herself.

She closed the door after herself, and stumbled further into the building. There was nothing but a staircase before her, leading up; much to her relief. She sheathed her blades and grabbed onto the railings, clumsily climbing the steps; refusing to lose her battle against unconsciousness until she was safe. 

The top of the stairs landed her in between two doors, both left wide open in the bustle of the evacuation. She walked in through the closest one, and didn’t bother closing it after herself this time. 

It was a small living room with an open kitchen. Lunch was prepared on the table, the soup in the bowls now gone cold with no inviting steam. A small bite had been stolen from the bread, and the three chairs were pushed back, one of them knocked over. 

The whole building must’ve been an apartment block, now abandoned with memories left to collect dust on the shelves.

Esther walked in silently. Her feet were dragging now, her shoulders were slouched. Her roots were damp and sticky, now with blood. 

She reached the window, and collapsed on the floor right next to it. She pressed her back against the wall, and a tired sigh left her parted lips.

Her eyes were closed for a little bit. The ringing in her ear was slowly dying out, and she could pick Eren’s footsteps; now closer to her than they were before. The throbbing of her head danced together with her heartbeat, and they took their turn tormenting her.

She didn’t know how long she spent sitting on the floor, silently bleeding into unconsciousness. Brief, short seconds must’ve turned into minutes, and minutes must’ve passed until hours took their place. It must’ve been days; this must’ve been what forever was supposed to feel like. 

With her eyes closed, she felt like she was drifting off into the night’s sky. She felt like her mind was finally at peace, like she was allowed to rest now.

But her heavy eyelids were lifted slightly when a sudden, loud sound of stones colliding shook the world, and she was ripped away from the sweet notion of falling asleep.

Esther’s head felt heavy as it rested against the wall. The damaged window right above her let in the sunlight, and the broken beams danced against the bookshelf across from her, reflecting off of the glass shards by her feet. An open newspaper was left unattended on the table along with the food, and a doll was forgotten on the floor.

Her eyes rested on it, heavy and exhausted. Blurry and barely seeing, but they were content for a short moment in time. They were glistened with a memory that somehow found its way to her amidst the chaos, and she remembered her own doll. It was left on the floor too, as she cried her eyes out in Levi’s arms.

Oh, Levi’s arms. She remembered all too well, she never forgot. She remembered water dripping from his hair, a packed bag by the door and her doll on the floor. Her tears had mixed with the broken expression on his face, and his sad eyes. 

A flare went off somewhere in the distance, and she moved her head around. She tore her eyes from her memory, abandoned on the hardwood floor, and looked up outside the window. 

It hurt. It hurt so much. Something was restless in her head, pounding on the walls to get out. It was tangled in her veins and in her nerves, it was making a mess of things inside. It hurt to move. It hurt to blink. It hurt to remember.

Esther saw the comforting rise of green smoke, and was able to understand that the mission was a success. Eren was able to do what was suddenly pushed in his young arms. He somehow managed to come back from the edge, and he found his way back to her in the form of a monster he hated the most. Whatever he had to do, he did it, and he kept his promise to her. 

She had to do the same somehow. Somehow, she didn’t know how, but she had to keep remembering her forgotten doll somehow. 

“Forgive me, Levi,” She murmured. Asking for forgiveness was a regularity for her. She found comfort in its familiarity, and she hoped Levi would answer her apologies one day. 

Her hands were heavy as she placed them on the floor on each side of herself, pushing and struggling to stand up. 

She couldn’t waste her forever in someone else’s abandoned life. What little rest and safety she could get had to be enough, especially since the hole in the gate was now sealed. Especially since the full retreat was about to begin, it had to begin. She couldn’t be left behind.

She descended the stairs more desperately than she’d climbed them, and watched both sides of the street to make sure there weren’t any titans waiting to ambush her.

There were none, but she grabbed her blades nonetheless, for one last time. 

The breeze was comforting. It was returning strong, and the sun was gone; leaving its place in an orange tint. It must’ve been tired from all this chaos. It must’ve been exhausted like Esther, and the rain must’ve been the tears she’d been unwillingly shedding the whole day. 

She wanted to sleep, so badly.

Her legs were dragging, and she barely managed to leave the house she’d been hiding in. Voices, she could hear. Orders being shouted, heavy footsteps pursuing beating hearts, and the familiar zipping of wires. They were all muffled, she couldn’t pinpoint where they were coming from even if she tried to.

She took another step forward. The nose of her foot hit the edge of an uneven cobblestone, and she stumbled a little. It sent a painful jolt to her head, and she squeezed her eyes shut for a short second. 

“Forgive me,” She whimpered. Blood was trailing from her temple. It hurt. The scarlet river left her skin burning, and the path it chose for itself was painfully close to ending up near her white bandana.

Her blades dragged along the road as she walked, walked and walked. The green smoke was disappearing already, and it seemed to go further away the closer she got to it.

She paused, looked up at the sky, witnessed the clouds gathering, and let her shoulders drop.

“Forgive me, Eren,” Esther breathed out. “I don’t want to die either. I’m sorry.”

A sob was waiting at the back of her throat, ready to be set free, but she was too tired for it. She had no tears left to cry. She barely had the energy to close her lips.

A footstep sounded on her right, where the road was leading to an alley between buildings. She looked in the direction of the disturbance from the corner of her eye, and saw something that was at least ten meters taller than her. Eleven, twelve, very thin and sickly looking. Was that her abnormal? She couldn’t tell. Still, she walked.

She took another step forward, one of her blades fell from her weak grasp. Her fingers hopelessly closed around the air, and relaxed in defeat. 

Another step, the titan was coming for her. 

“I don’t- I don’t-” Esther struggled to whisper. “I don’t want to die.”

She couldn’t cry, but the blood on the side of her face was merciful. It rolled down her cheek and fulfilled the duty of her absent tears. She felt it linger on her chapped lips, and its iron taste urged her to keep walking.

The ground started to shake as the titan hurried towards her, as it got closer and closer, and she dropped her other blade; the hilt stained in her own blood.

She didn’t want to die, not yet, not like this. She wanted to be brave, and she wanted to fight; but she could barely keep her eyes open, and Eren wasn’t talking to her anymore; he wasn’t urging her to survive anymore. He was silent again, and she was left all alone. 

She could see the titan’s reached out hand from her peripheral vision. She was going to die here, all by herself. She was going to fall asleep with words unsaid on her tongue, with worlds unseen just outside of her reach; with dreams hanging in the air where her braided hair once had been. 

Esther wondered if Jean was alright, if Annie was able to save him or if he was left to die on his own as well. She wondered why Levi had left her, and she wondered what sin she’d committed to never see his face again. She wondered what she’d done that was so unforgivable that she was left to die without ever hearing him say that he loved her too, that he’d missed her, that he never, ever wanted to let her go again; that he wished he’d never left her all alone in the first place, that he was cursing the day he made her cry into a pillow that wasn’t hers.

“Forgive me,” Her bottom lip trembled, and her chest weakly heaved with the unreleased sob. “Forgive me. Forgive me. Please, forgive me.”

The final step the titan took sent a sudden rush of air in her direction, and her twin braids swayed to the side.

I’m sorry I couldn’t find you, Levi, She apologised silently. I tried to survive, and I tried so hard to be like you, I’m sorry I failed. I’m sorry, Furlan, I couldn’t be a big girl. I failed to be strong, Isabel, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t fight, Eren. I wanted to see the world with you, so bad. I wanted to give you all the flowers I could find, and I wanted you to like them as much as I liked you. I promise, I’ll try to be better tomorrow. I’m-

A flash of green blinked at her suddenly, and her final apologies were cut short with the blades that slashed the mist in her vision.

-Sorry.

Esther blinked, and released a shaky breath of air as the giant arm that’d been reaching for her fell to the ground in front of her, only millimetres away from her. The collision made dirt and dust rise and hit her in a cool blast of air, and she watched the already steaming blood leak from the cuts on the titan’s skin faster than she could comprehend her still beating heart. 

She stumbled back in surprise, and blindly searched her surroundings; wondering if she was imagining things.

A figure clad in a green cloak moved efficiently, effortlessly; no less astonishing or surreal than an apparition. He climbed up through the titan’s other arm, cutting his way up and leaving a red trail in his wake. 

The right arm was detached from its body a short moment later, and it fell a small distance behind Esther.

The green figure circled the titan before its dire injuries even had the time to start steaming, and its nape was cut in mere seconds. 

Esther watched it collapse right before her with a heavy thud. Its face was frozen forever in her mind, eyes wide and mouth parted. Her own grave that rejected her in the last moment. It was the abnormal that had been chasing and tormenting her for an agonisingly long while; now dead in a crumbling carcass.

The green cloak of the soldier who saved her was flowing in the wind, displaying the wings at its back and challenging the birds in the sky to a race. It rocked her memories, trashed up the place and yelled at her; yelled at her that she’d seen those wings before. 

Esther blinked, dumbfounded, and watched her saviour land on the titan’s shoulder, wearing scabbards on each side of his hips. He sheathed his blades in the shape of the man who’d saved her years ago, and he silently jumped down from the titan’s shoulder.

Esther watched him raise his head to look at her, watched him pause and stare in silence, watched him stand still. His hair was as dark as hers, and his narrow eyes were sharp and attentive. They were hardened. They had been hardened over the years in her absence.

Esther couldn’t see that well, because her vision was blurry; now with tears that she swore were not there a second ago. But she still remembered the way Levi’s hair fell on his temples and his forehead, how it always buried his beautiful eyes under its thin shadows. She remembered the day he walked away from her into an unknown world, and the man who was now running towards her was the only thing she’d ever wanted; the only sight she’d been begging to see for years.

She wanted to go to him. She wanted to close the small distance they had between each other before he had the chance to close it himself, but she could barely take a single step forward.

Esther collapsed on her knees in her attempt to limp towards him, way too exhausted to resist the tempting unconsciousness anymore, but she barely felt the impact of the cold hard stones. She barely felt the painful sensation near where her wound was, because his arms caught her before she could fall. 

The green cloak was pushed to the side, and his scabbards clanked as he fell on his knees in her stead. His arms wrapped themselves around her, and her hair dangled in the air as she lied in the tall grass of the safest meadow. 

Her eyes were almost completely closed. It felt like a dream, soft and sweet. Relief was the air she could barely breathe in, and he looked just like she remembered him as the sun blinked its goodbye at the back of his head.

Oh, Levi’s arms. She remembered. She still remembered to this day; how safe they were. She could feel them, she could feel his fingertips digging into her skin. She could feel his arm supporting her head, and his chest pressed against the side of her face. She could almost feel his steady heartbeat, she could almost hear it.

“Levi…” Esther managed to say with a broken smile, and the name felt as light as a feather on her lips; soaring in the air and raining down memories on both of them. She wasn’t sure if he could hear her, if he could even recognise her. If he was even there, real. “Levi, I found you.”

Her voice was so weak, barely louder than her light breathing. She managed to lift her hand, now free of the blades that were laying around her; still attached to the veins of her gear. 

Her fingertips grabbed the fabric of his cloak and gathered it on his shoulder; in her palm, and his unblinking eyes watched in a rare display of worry; freely dancing in grey waters. How, how she missed those eyes on her. How she missed them, and her own reflection in his pupils. 

Her mirrored face looked a bit different now, less childlike and not at all joyful, but she was there. Right there where she belonged.

The hot steam of the decaying titan engulfed them, hid them from the rest of the world, and she watched the tips of his hair sway gently to its current.

She wanted to say more. Her lips were parted for more, but all she could release was the weak hold she had on his cloak, and a deep breath of air.

Forgive me, she wanted to say as the fabric over his shoulder stayed wrinkled from where her hand just was, like it had been years ago. Only now, it was marked with the blood on her fingertips.

Forgive me, as the first raindrop graced her face and rolled down her cheek like a tear would, meshing with her blood.

Chapter Text

Each day is a new beginning, positive people would always say. When a new day is born, so do new hopes, new dreams and new possibilities.

It had been a while since Esther had given up on those hopeful beliefs. It happened in the Underground, on that barely comfortable couch in Elsa’s living room. It was in a room directly next to the kitchen, Esther would always wake up to the pungent smell of cheese and the sounds of a cucumber being chopped up on the cutting board as Elsa prepared breakfast. 

Esther had given up on good things way before she opened her eyes from nightmares to the humid stains and mold spores on the ceiling. She’d given up, but at the same time, she’d been born with hope. It was attached to her, and it would always find its way back to her. It didn’t matter how many times she would try to convince herself that it was time to accept defeat, that she was tired; because she never quite managed to give up. No matter the harsh circumstances, no matter the choking sobs and drowning thoughts, she was incapable of letting go.

The sun was shining bright after the aftermath of Trost. The rays shone an innocent light on the bloodbath underneath, and birds chirped by the windows of the overflowing hospital in Rose.

The window was ajar, letting in the soft breeze and the hustle and bustle of the street outside. The long and sheer curtains flowed gently into the room, the ends almost touching the sheets of the bed Esther was lying in, sleeping.

Keep up, Esther!

Dreaming.

Esther. Esther. Keep up.