Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He’s running, running from him. Cazador. He tripped on a branch, he curled up into a ball. He couldn’t run, master hated it when he ran. “You ran away from me, little one, you know how I feel about that. Do you?” He heard the venom in his voice, making him curl up even more. He was kidnapped; it wasn't his fault, but he knew Cazador didn’t care. “Did you find a new boyfriend? Awww do we remember the last time you tried to do that?” Oh Sebastian. “No master, I-I was kidnapped! Please believe me!” he pleaded, shaking from fear. He heard a low vibration laugh, making him shake even more. “Oh kitten, you were always my favorite, so beautiful and always begging. I do have missed you already” No. NO. You’re not there anymore. You’re free with tadpole. You’re free. “Oh my dear, you are never free” 

He jolted awake, staring at the red linen of his tent, he peaked his head out, still seeing the campsite he has come to know. He breathed a big breath of relief, knowing he’s still on this wacky adventure with well weirdos. Though, he started to like these weirdos, especially more than…him. He made sure he didn’t wake anyone up, before closing his tent, where he wouldn’t even be able to close his eyes the rest of the night.

It’s been a while since he let himself try to sleep, usually opting for trancing instead. He’s been trying to fight his very obvious hunger, and racing thoughts about…him. Cazador, even though he’s “free” of him, has been on his mind ever since he dropped from the weird tentacle ship he was on. He knows he will be in big trouble when he gets back. He keeps trying to push that thought away, because hopefully the day of him going back never comes. Though, they’re finding a cure to these parasites, which will make him instantly under Cazador’s command again. To be honest, to the rest of the group these parasites are a nightmare, but to him, it’s a gift. He can walk in the sun again, he can live again. He was no longer an object, an object to be used. This also is a problem to him, though, because what else would he be?

He keeps thinking about how damaged he is, will he ever be more than what he is? Worthless, useless, and mostly a slut. He shook his depraved thoughts away, he will not let them take over. He started his breathing exercise, the one Halsin taught him to calm himself. “Astarion” he jolted up, seeing Halsin towering over him. “We talked about the plan, we are going through the underdark. I am coming along, mostly for business. Though I’m also coming to help you” great now he’s a burden to Halsin too. He felt the weight of the branch tilt to one side, as Halsin sat next to him “hey I know when you’re deep in thought, do you need me?” He placed his hands on both sides of his face, and shook his head no. 

Although there’s the ache of hunger in his body, he just wants to push the thoughts down. He doesn’t want to burden anyone with his problems anymore. He constantly beats himself up for dragging Halsin into it, and even Tav. Only those two know about Cazador, and all the torment he put him through. Though only Halsin knows about the sexual abuse, the more in depth side of it. For some reason he trusted Halsin, and he can’t really explain why. At the tiefling party, he had a very long conversation with Halsin. He hated that Halsin saw right through him, even at the goblin camp Halsin always glanced at him with worry in his eyes. Did he really show it that much on his face? Fucking druids. 

He doesn’t like to think about all the sexual abuse that Cazador subjected him to, by him and making him with others. At least when he went out and pimped himself out for Cazador he could numb himself away from the act, but when it was with Cazador it was…different. He wanted to throw up at the thought, more so he wanted to scrub his skin until it was raw. Even then he doesn’t think it will fix the disgust he feels with himself every day. “You’re doing it again” he snapped out of it again, staring at Halsin’s worried face. 

It’s so hard for him not to trail off, it’s so hard not to think of all the things that happened to him. He felt warmth on his skin, his mind went to meadows, and he felt a faint smell of roses. It faded away, and Halsin lowered his arm “better?” it did help him take a deep breath, and that was enough. He nodded his head. Halsin smiled, and got up and offered his hand to help him up. He gladly took it, getting up from the tree trunk. “Come now Tav and the crew are looking to head out” He looked over to them packing all the camping equipment, ready to move camp to whatever wild goose chase these tadpoles have them on next. 

They made there way to the now very empty goblin camp, and he was finding it hard to stay alert. Mostly because it’s been a while since he’s actually tranced, or even allowing himself to sleep. Those two things are out of the question, night terrors will follow soon after. He’s trying to avoid the thoughts, anything but the thoughts. “Here it is!” he watched Tav open the door with a lock, and they all followed in. After a very ridiculous fight with an ogre, they found the entrance to the underdark. “Well after you” Tav started to descend down the stairs, and others followed after. He peered down, taking a big gulp. He saw the dark abyss that was the entrance to it.

Nobody knows this, but he’s deathly afraid of the dark. After Cazador buried him alive, for a little over a year he soon started to fear it. He could feel the pain and splinters on his fingers again, remembering him clawing at the coffin until his fingers started bleeding. “You gonna go?” He jolted and turned, seeing Gale standing behind him. “I- uh yeah” he didn’t want Gale to know his fear of the dark, and honestly somewhat of heights. He never really interacted with Gale all that much, and one word he would describe Gale is pompous. Maybe he acted that way as well, but he really didn’t care. It’s not that he hated Gale, well maybe a bit of an annoyance sometimes. He can’t help that Gale yaps so much, sometimes that can be a bit much. “Aaaany day now” he heard the sarcasm in Gale’s voice, he knew he was stalling.

He took a deep breath, and turned his body to start climbing down the stairs. He got about five steps down, and the light started to dim from the top. He saw Gale climbing down shortly after him, being about two steps away from him. He started going farther down, trying to shake the nerves. The darkness surrounded him, barely even seeing Gale anymore. This is when the panic started sitting in, he completely froze in place.

“Master please, please! I’m sorry” he was on his hands and knees begging for forgiveness, he tried running. Running far away from this nightmare. This time he almost got away…almost. Cazador caught him. He knew Cazador got off on him trying to escape, he feels like he allowed him to almost escape for that reason. He felt his body being yanked up by his hair, and he got thrown over Cazador’s knee. He felt his bottom half being fully stripped, leaving him exposed. He felt the draft of the room on his bare ass. He started pleading even more, he knew what was gonna happen. He never got used to the pain, he never will. “You’ve been a naughty boy, and that needs to be punished” he yelped in pain, as he felt the metal rod smack his butt at full force. He can feel like the blood is already dripping, he tries to escape his grasp. “No moving, or you will get more” he yelped again, feeling the pain again. “Oh how you yell so beautifully. You know how much I love you, my favorite spawn.” He felt the pain again, he clamped his eyes shut, yelling at every strike. “Are you gonna be a good boy?” After a long defeated pause, he shook his head yes. “Come here” he felt the pressure of Cazador around his neck, raising him up off his lap. He stopped when he met Cazador's face, making him kiss him. He closed his eyes, trying to hide the disgust on his face. “You know I do this to discipline you? You’re my special boy” He shook his head yes, feeling the numbness take over his body. “To make sure you know, I got a special treat for you” he felt the fear rush through his body again, as he felt his body lift off the ground. He wiggled his grasp, embarrassed that his bottom half was still exposed. This was all a game to Cazador, a sick and twisted game. He yelled in pain, as his back hit something hard. He looked back, and saw wood surrounding him. He saw Cazador tower over him, closing the lid. The area went pitch black, panic started setting in, hearing the dirt being placed over him. He started punching the coffin “NO, NO PLEASE! I’LL BEHAVE, I’LL BEHAVE!”

“ASTARION!” he snapped back, heavy breathing. He looked up at Gale or what he could see of him, looking very worried. He felt tears on his cheeks, was he crying? That is embarrassing. Though it looked like Gale didn’t mind, just concerned. “Hey, hey are you okay?” he was still frozen, frozen in place. He can’t go down, he’s gonna have to tell Gale. “I-I I’m afraid…of the dark” he still feels his body shaking, stricken with fear. Gale didn’t say a word, but motioned his hand illuminating the space around us. “Better?” he can tell Gale was trying his best to make him not feel embarrassed, it wasn’t working of course. He was still frozen in place, still trying to recover from that awful memory. He felt Gale still stare at him “sorry I don’t think I can move”

Gale again didn’t say anything, just nodded and started saying an incantation. “Let go” he looked up at Gale like he was crazy. He saw Gale roll his eyes, and he let go grabbing him on the way down. He let out a small yell, before feeling that they were gently falling. “Feather falling” he looked at Gale smiling at him, which actually made him smile back. He never was this close to Gale before, and he will be honest and say that he does smell good. Gale smells like old books with a subtle smell of sandalwood. It was very intoxicating, maybe that was his hunger talking. “Sorry that was probably so embarrassing” Gale just shrugged his shoulders “ we all have our own fears, who am I to judge?” There was a comfortable silence in the area, as comfortable as it can be.

He cleared his throat “...sorry” Gale stared confused “yeah you already apologized. There’s nothing to be sorry about” yeah for being a burden. Another spell of silence filled the area, and they sat in it. He looked into Gale’s eyes, the rich brown color with the hint of the light reflecting into his eyes. He can’t deny how attractive he thought Gale was. You wanna fuck him do you? You whore. He shook his head no, no bad thoughts. “I’m here if you need someone to talk to” He looked at Gale, there was sincerity in his eyes. He couldn’t help but to smile, knowing Gale meant what he said. “Oh darling how nice of you” He looked down, seeing a different type of light. He knew he was close to the bottom “Thank you for this” 

Gale nodded, still keeping his smile planted on his face. They both landed on the ground, taking in the new surroundings. He saw Tav in the distance with the rest of the group, checking out the statue in the middle of the room. Before he could walk to them, he was stopped by Gale’s voice. “Hey, do you wanna talk about what happened? You looked like you were someplace else up there” He did not want Gale to know about anything crazy, especially Cazador. “No I’d rather not, it was just fear that’s all” He knew he didn’t convince Gale, but he took it for an answer anyway. He walked up to the group, so they can finally move forward in their journey. 

During this walk all he could think about was Gale, and he doesn’t know if that is a good or a bad thing.

Chapter Text

He walked alongside Gale, both rather quiet after that whole situation. They trailed behind the pack, still trying to keep up. They ran into the occasional creature here and there, but nothing they couldn’t take. He heard Gale clear his throat “how are you holding up?” honestly fine, his mind has been rather quiet walking with Gale. “Fine” was all he could say, and they both went back to silence. He could tell he made Gale worried for him, probably just pity. He didn’t want pity, it makes him uncomfortable honestly. 

“I would rather we don’t talk that again darling” He took a big step, to avoid tripping on debris on the ground. “Okay” he knows how Gale might not know how to approach this, hell he wouldn’t know either. He’s such a fucked up individal, who can even help him? He can’t even help himself. Take deep breaths, don't start the thoughts, silence the thoughts. His body was yelling at him that he was hungry, it was hungry since this morning. The hunger is only growing louder, and he looks around knowing he might not find prey around, not in the Underdark. 

He let out a deep sigh, he wasn’t sure what he was gonna do. When he first started camping with Tav and the other, he tried feedings on Tav. That was a big no to…him, but he just wanted to feel strong for once, for once. He didn’t think Tav would let him but they did, and he was grateful. Though he refrained from ever asking them again, because that would be a lot to ask of someone. He’s not sure what will happen, but he has to figure something out. “Alright guys, I think this would be a great place for our camp thoughts?” they all stopped to pay attention to Tav, they looked around surveying the spot.

Everyone came to an agreement that it was a good stop, including himself. He let out a deep sigh, as he realized he had to set up his tent again. Not sure why he even has a tent, considering he can never ever have any good night of sleep or trancing. “I picked we camp next to each other Astarion” he looked behind him, seeing Shadowheart with her camp gear. She started building right across from him. He smiled because he loved Shadowheart not in a lover way, but in a sister way. There’s something similar both of them share, maybe it's the unhealthy relationship with someone who has power over them. Though he knows that Shadowheart doesn’t quite know that yet.

He never told Shadowheart anything, but there’s an unspoken bond between them. “Share wine with me tonight?” He giggled, planting one tent spike into the ground. “Of course darling, thought you would never ask” They all continued to build their camps, letting the day turn to night. Or what they think it’s night, considering it feels like it’s a never ending nighttime down here. After a while he smelt food in the air, he looked over watching Gale place a cauldron onto the fire. The air smelt nice, he always wondered what food tasted like again. 

Of course he could ‘eat’ the food, but the sickness he would feel would be unbearable. He opted to never have it again, well besides raw red meat. He did miss it dearly though, wondering how it felt and tasted to have a home cooked meal again. The ache of the hunger he felt grew more, and more unbearable. He sort of regrets feeding on Tav, because now he feels like he gets hungry faster. Maybe that’s what happens when you finally get a full meal, instead of the rat every two weeks or so. 

He watched Gale add spices into what looks like to be stew, he slowly stirred it. He saw how Gale tucks his hair behind his ear, one strand always trying to escape. He can’t deny the beauty, and he can’t deny his infatuation with him. Maybe if I fuck him, I can feel safe. “Dinner!” he suppressed his thoughts, walking towards the fire. “Ah Gale it smells amazing” Wyll sat around the fire, and he sat next to him. He knows Wyll is still on edge with him, seeing as he is a vampire. He didn’t entirely blame him, he knows how terrible vampires can be. 

Everyone talked around the campfire, as he watched everyone eat their meal. Sometimes they would look at him with sympathetic eyes, but he didn’t care. He engaged into the conversation, talking about the way the Underdark looks. Dinner was over, and he walked back to his tent, about to walk in. “Hey where are you going, remember” he looked at Shadowheart with two wine glasses, and two big bottles of wine. Oh it’s one of those drinking nights? Seems like Shadowheart is trying to take her mind off something, and he can agree with that. He walked over to her tent taking one of the glass bottles.

They both laughed, sitting on her rug outside her tent. He leaned back, keeping in mind not to knock her plant over behind him. “Hey so what took you and Gale so long coming down earlier?” she said, pouring herself another glass of wine. He followed suit, pouring another glass for himself too. “Oh I-uh Gale had a question for me” he really didn’t know what to say, he’s hoping she didn’t dig deeper.

“Ooooo is something going on?” she winked, taking a big sip out of her wine. He rolled his eyes, chugging his wine. He finished his glass, pouring another. “Jeez someone is trying to get drunk” you can see the smirk on her face before chugging her wine too, making this now a drinking competition. They’re now a bottle and a half deep, they’re definitely almost drunk. “Okay-okay maybe I think he’s a little sexy” he whispered the last part in her ear, making them both giggle. “Oh yeah? I think Halsin is super sexy” she whispered that part in his ear as well, making them both laugh again. 

They both drank the rest of the second bottle, now they’re absolutely drunk. They talked more “well why don’t you make yo- move?” she slurred mid sentence, he giggled because no matter how much shadowheart drank she could never handle her alcohol well. “No, no I can’t be attached” he also can control his mouth when he’s very drunk, it loosens his tongue quite a lot. He can’t be attached, not with…him still alive. That will smell trouble, and he can’t take that anymore. Every time he remotely fell for someone, Cazador put a stop to that really quickly. 

He didn’t know if it was because Cazador wanted him for himself, or he just never wanted him happy ever. Probably both. Cazador would capture them, and do whatever he wanted with them. He tries not to think about what Cazador did with them, it would just make the whole situation even more fucked up. After two of them he gave up, and never decided to do that again. It doesn’t matter anyways, because everyone was with him just because he was easy. Worthless. 

He stopped himself before he went more in thought, staring down at Shadowheart who fell asleep. He laughed as he got up, the whole world started spinning. He was a lot more drunk then he realized, his tent looks like it's ten miles away. He carefully started walking towards it, before he stopped to look in the distance. He saw Gale with his reading glasses on, quietly taking notes in his book by the river. His cute little glasses he thought. He was sure why, but he started walking towards Gale. 

He tried to steady his walk, making sure he didn’t knock himself over. Fuck him. You’ll be safe. He will protect you. He will value you. He will make you feel important. The only thing you’re good for. His thoughts kept racing, still trying to stop from tripping over himself. He wanted to fuck Gale, and he doesn’t know what came over him. He wanted the thoughts to stop, he wanted to feel safe. “Hey darling” he can tell he caught Gale by surprise. He closed his book partially, looking up at him. “Oh Astarion, I didn’t realize anyone was awake” he sat next to him, getting very close to Gale. He can smell him again, smelling the same old books and sandalwood. “What are you doing up?” He tucked the fighting strand behind Gale’s ear, making Gale stare at him. “I-uh thanks” he can see Gale’s cheeks flush deep red, making him giggle.

Gale gets flustered so quickly, good to know. It’s actually kind of adorable, it makes him blush a little himself. “I’ve been thinking about how sexy are darling” he blushed even more “you-you think so?” he brushed his lips against Gale’s neck, rewarding a little sigh from him in return. “A-astarion I can smell the alcohol, you’re drunk” he had to resist the urge to bite him, he smelled so irresistible. Give yourself to him. Let him have you. He swung himself on his lap, going in for a kiss. Gale hesitated, before allowing him to kiss him. He tasted amazing, and his lips were soft. It made Astarion want even more. He started unbuttoning Gale’s shirt “uh-Astarion” he tried saying between kisses, Astarion could tell that he loved it. Gale didn’t push away from his kiss, and even encouraged it more.

All of a sudden “stop!” Astarion stopped in his tracks, staring at Gale in confusion. Gale trying to catch his breath “Astarion you’re drunk, you can’t consent to this” Who cares about that? Nobody cared about that before. I don’t deserve that. “That doesn't matter” he went back to try and kiss him again. He put his hand in the way “it absolutely does…is this what you think about yourself?” He can see and hear the pain in Gale’s voice. He was very confused by that statement, of course that is what he thinks about himself. 

He was worthless and nothing more than a fuck. That’s his value, at least that’s what Cazador told him. Sometimes he just goes numb when he has sex, but sometimes he enjoys it. He enjoys it because that’s the only time he feels…worth something. “I-I’m sorry I shouldn’t have let- I was very touch starved, and I shouldn’t have done that” he gently nudged Astarion off him, leaving him feeling even more confused. He wasn’t even worth his body anymore? He felt skin, and the wine finally started to come back up. He started vomiting in front of him, this was more embarrassing than even the stair situation. 

He felt Gale push back his hair for him, gently supporting his back. He doesn’t even understand why Gale is being so nice to him right now. He has no reason to really, especially after what just happened. He deserved to be punished for this, not getting help from him. The thoughts, the visions, they’re coming back.

“...down” He got down on his knees, naked and bruised. “Like this master?” He pleaded with his eyes, hoping it was good enough for him. He stared up at his master naked, with sinister eyes staring down at him. He felt a hard backhand smack on his face, making him fall to the ground. He tried to not cry, the sting spread throughout his face. They have been at this for hours, this is his punishment for not bringing someone home for master. He tried, and he failed. “NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” he put his head on the floor, pleading even more. “I’m here to please you master”

The vision faded, he couldn't stop the thoughts. They’re flooding his brain, he feels like he’s choking on his own vomit.

“On your knees, now!” the whip collided with his skin, he got up fighting through the excruciating pain. “You will please me all night long, right little star?” his eyes flooded with tears up at him he nodded, as much as his body and brain tell him no, he has to listen…for his master tells him to…compels him to…

“No-No!” he couldn't stop, he wanted to yell. Please stop the thoughts. Please stop the thoughts. “Astarion hey-hey” Gale tried to hold him, he feared it might’ve made things worse “Astarion listen to me. You’re safe. You’re okay” he started thrashing around in Gale’s arms, overstimulated by the touch”

The moans of his master echoed through the room, he held back his tears. Master didn’t like it when he cried, it ruined his moment. “You feel good, my favorite spawn. So good…for me” The chains on his wrist hurt, he cancelled out the sensations…he felt it, but he wasn’t there. One...two…three…count to distract. He stared up at the cement ceiling, waiting for it to be over. Four…five…six. The echoing of the chains in the room, rubbing up against his already raw skin. He let a tear escape his eye seven…eight

“Nin-nine” he keeps thrashing around. Gale is at a loss for what to do, it’s breaking his heart. He couldn’t stop crying, because he knew all too well what a PTSD episode is. He’s studied what PTSD is and what it looks like. Who caused all this? Who would even hurt Astarion like this? I mean he knew a little about vampire spawns, and how they are servants to vampire lords. He never really thought about what they would go through. “Oh my I’m so sorry Astarion. I didn’t-” He snapped up at Halsin, who then muttered a verse under his breath. Just let that he felt Astarion weak in his hands, looking down seeing his eyes closed. 

He sees just how much more peaceful he became, well compared to what he usually is. “What…what happened?” Halsin crouched down beside him. “I put him into a temporary trance, it will last about a few minutes. I do this for him when he’s having an episode” He looked down at him peacefully taking breaths, still slightly sweaty from the episode. “This was my fault. I usually wait until I see Astarion in his tent before-” He finally let himself catch a breath, he leaned back on the trunk behind him. 

“Do you want me to take him?” Halsin looked at him, opening his arms. He looked down at Astarion, he wanted to help him. “No it’s I got him” Halsin smiled at him and stood up. He nodded at him before turning around, and going to his bedroll on the ground. He wasn’t sure how he sleeps like that, but I guess a druid would love to sleep just in the open outdoors. He took a few deep breaths, before he attempted to pick Astarion up. To his surprise he didn’t weigh that much at all. 

In fact he felt very light, malnourished feeling actually. He carried him all the way to his tent, hoping Astarion wouldn’t mind. He placed him on his mattress, covering him up with his blanket. He poured water from his water jug in a bowl and used a spell to heat it up a little. He placed a linen rag into the bowl, and placed it on his forehead. He watched his chest rise and fall peacefully, looking down examining him.

The meadow was bright and peaceful. “Astarion!” he turned looking at Gale walking over, smiling at him. He ran and jumped in his arms, feeling Gale spin him around. Their lips crashed together, he loved it. “There you are dear” The vision is fading 

He stirred, feeling a warm sensation on his forehead. He opened his eyes, seeing a faint light in the background. The bed tent surrounded him, he instantly shot up. He looked and saw Gale staring at him a little uneasy in the corner. “Where? Where am I?” Gale put down the book he was reading to pass the time. “I- my tent. You were…upset. I wanted to help” He can tell Gale is walking on eggshells right now, he doesn’t want to say anything that could cause another one. 

He swallowed hard, god he feels like a burden. Now he has Gale feeling pity for him, and he doesn’t deserve it. He felt so exhausted, and he doesn’t even really need to sleep. Maybe he was, or maybe he was just tired of life. “I’m sorry” it’s all he could say. Maybe he shouldn’t get so drunk anymore, apparently he couldn’t handle his alcohol either. “Never be sorry, not for that” he shook his head, it was his fault for all of this. He started it all, and Gale is trying to take care of him.  

“I-I should go” he started to uncover himself, thanking Gale for not taking off his shirt. That was a whole can of worms, he didn’t even tell anyone about the scars. Not even Halsin. “You don’t have to you know- you can stay for the night” he stared in confusion, he wanted him to stay? It was definitely for pity at this point. He felt so sick though, and his head was pounding. Despite throwing up a lot, he still felt slightly drunk. Did he trust Gale though? He looked at Gale for what seemed like a while. “...Okay, I can stay” he said hesitantly. Gale crawled over and laid next to him, not too close which he appreciated more than Gale knew. “You…know that’s not an order. You’re free to do whatever you want”

Free to do whatever I want? He looked over at Gale who looked serious with that statement. Nobody has fully told him that before, he smiled slightly “I want to” I want to? Do I really? Gale smiled back “good. Oh one thing” with the flick of the wrist he saw Gale light the room just slightly, just like a nightlight. The top of his tent had stars, causing the light in the tent. “So you don’t have to be in the dark” he couldn’t believe his eyes, he looked at Gale who was smiling at his creation. He couldn’t stop some tear falling from his face, he looked back up “Thank you Gale. I don’t even know what to say” I have to pay him back. I don’t deserve this. “You’re very welcome”

Gale got under the covers, still making sure there was comfortable distance away from each other still. They turned to face away from each other, Astarion still in shock about this night. After a while he heard light snoring from Gale, he knew he was asleep. For a second he thought about just leaving, but he looked up at the stars. They looked so beautiful, different from the stars in the night sky usually. These have a purple hue, and are very pleasant on the eyes. 

His body finally drifted away, and for the first time in forever he was allowed to sleep though the night.

Chapter Text

He woke up, almost forgetting that he slept in Gale’s tent last night. That was his first hardcore flashback he had since he joined the group. He still can’t believe that happened last night. He couldn’t focus on that though, because he can feel the sinking hunger in his body. There was a shift in the sheets, he saw Gale sit up stretching his arms. “Good morning, how did you sleep?” He rested his head on his hands. “Honestly, it’s the best sleep I’ve had in a long while. I never typically sleep, but it’s been hard to even trance lately” It’s only fair to be more open with Gale, well as open as he can be. 

“Well that’s good to hear…” he heard Gale trail off, stopping himself from asking more. He understands why he would have many questions, but he’s not sure how he could answer them. “Gale just ask you questions, I will tell you if I’m not comfortable” he lifted his legs up to his chin, wrapping his arms around them. “Well for starters, what was last night about?” he just shook his head, he was not comfortable at all with that. He barely even told Halsin about the scale of it, just that he had to do ‘favors’ for his master. Gale nodded his head, moving onto the next question. “You’re a vampire spawn correct?  For who?” he leaned his head on his knees “Cazador Szarr” even saying his name made him uneasy, swallowing the lump in his throat. 

“Did he hurt you?” he took a long pause, before letting out a big sigh. “Remember when I freaked out about the dark, well Cazador…the reason I’m afraid of the dark is because he buried me alive for a year, probably for longer” he can see the look on Gale’s face, nothing but pure horror. “I also can’t do tight spaces anymore, so no more crawling into small caves for me” he tried to make a lighthearted joke, Gale didn’t laugh in response. “I have a feeling he did even more…messed up things” he laughed a little at Gale’s avoidance of using vulgar language “fucked up you mean, but yes…very worst things” 

There was silence in Gale’s tent “I’m so sorry” he could see the sorrow in Gale’s eyes. “Here I was feeling sorry for myself, while you still have to deal with that” he shook his head, it wasn’t worth feeling sorry for. For the longest time he hoped people took pity on him, but after over a hundred years of it he started to feel like he deserved all the torment. I mean it was his own fault really, if he wasn’t afraid of death over two hundred years ago he wouldn’t have even turned into a vampire spawn. Or maybe he would’ve, because maybe he still would’ve still turned him anyway. He’s asked these questions many times to himself, none of them he found acceptance or answers for. 

“Thank you, but I don’t need pity” he felt Gale’s present now next to him, but not uncomfortably too close. “You’re safe now. I’ll make sure of it” I will never be free. I don’t deserve to be free. He looked at Gale’s face, it looked soft and gentle. He thought of the meadows, and the feeling of being captured into his arms. The feeling of being…free, free to be himself. He can never be that, even away from Cazador he still feels attached to him somehow. He plagues his mind, and he’s not sure if that will ever be healed.

Likewise, he doesn’t even remember what he was like before the torment, and all the other types of abuse he endured. Was he even a good magistrate? He doesn’t even remember the actual life he lived, though in the grand scheme of things it wasn’t that very long. “Thank you, Gale” he watched Gale motion to hug him from the side, he waited for approval. He nodded, letting Gale hug him. The immediate warmth felt nice, warming up his cold skin. Gale felt like a furnace compared to him for obvious reasons, but Gale seems to run a little hotter than an average person. 

It felt pleasant to just forget everything, and with Gale the thoughts become less unbearable. He leaned his head on Gale’s shoulder, needing more touch from him. Why couldn’t he just be a normal person? Why does he have to be a fucked up person? “You said you were feeling sorry for yourself, what for? Certainly not because of that wretched god” he knew a little about Gale’s issue, mostly with the orb. He was there when he talked briefly about his relationship with Mystra, nothing else though.  

“Not even sure where to start, it’s much too complicated. I was just basically chewed and spit out by a goddess…a person who I thought…loved me” he can tell it still gets to him “it was foolish for me to think so, sometimes I wonder if I was ever good enough” he knows that feeling all too well, maybe that’s something they share in common. “Dealing with that doesn’t sound easy” Gale nodded his head, leaving the room to a comfortable silence. The morning was mostly over, and he could see people moving around outside. It was still dim due to the Underdark, but still the afternoon was arriving. “Alright Gale, Astarion, and Shadowheart we are gonna head out!” he heard Tav yell from outside the tent. He parted away from Gale, instantly feeling the cold. Before he could head out, he heard Gale say “I enjoyed last night, despite everything”.

He looked back at Gale and smiled “I did too darling” he honestly didn’t want to leave the tent, the thoughts were silent. With Gale they’re silent, he makes them silent. No one has ever done that before, well Halsin can with a spell. That’s not the same though, because Gale can do it so naturally. Maybe in another world they could be?…would they be? He knows Gale is just doing this for pity, nothing more. Nobody would like or even love someone like him, and he accepted that a long time ago. 

Even by some miracle someone like Gale would like him, he could never be with them. Cazador wouldn’t allow it, even if he is ‘free’. You will never be free. This freedom is temporary, if you can call it freedom at all. This must be a cruel prank Cazador did himself, getting people that he grew attachments to, giving himself the impression that he has freedom, just to yank it away. He’s been waiting for that time to happen, at any moment. He doesn’t doubt the depths Cazador would go just to make him fear him, to control him. He went back to his tent, to get ready for whatever they needed to do today.

He walked next to Gale in silence, a comfortable silence. The hunger has become unbearable at this point, but nothing he hasn’t dealt with before. Cazador made him starve for six months one time, only giving him a few drops of blood every so often. He remembered feeling his bones peeking through the skin, he was glad he couldn’t stare at himself in the mirror. He bit the sleeve of his shirt, puncturing the sleeve with his fang. “Everything okay?” he continued to bite on his sleeve. “Yeah, I’m just a little hungry is all” a little hungry is an understatement, it’s been a bit. 

“Do you not have anything?” He shook his head no, he wished he did. He looked around only seeing the weird mushroom people in the village, absolutely not something he would call a snack. After helping a deep gnome in pain, and talking with the leader of the mushroom people they talked to an odd illithed. Mind flayers are still something he will never be used to seeing, him including his now friends are staring at what could be their future. He tries not to think of the negative sides of having a tadpole sunk into his brain, mostly because of the power and freedom it gives him now. He sees way more positives, all though turning into an ugly mind flayer is not on his bingo card. “Really you can bypass the stasis?!” he heard some excitement in Tav’s voice, but panic set through his head. 

He doesn’t want a cure, is that so wrong? He’s so scared of what could happen, his freedom would be gone. “Yes the tower belongs to a cleric, a cleric of Mystra to be exact. Lenore” he saw Gale face light up with different emotions, all of it hard to read. “Mystra you said?” he heard the subtle pain in his voice, which honestly made him a little mad. Why the fuck does his care about a god that doesn’t for anyone? Especially one that used him, and didn’t care that she did. She uses her status and power to get whatever she wants, everyone who has power like that does so. That’s why he’s scared yet intrigued by it, oh to be powerful. He will never have to be someone's toy again, he can be free. 

“Well we have to go I must see this tower for myself” of course, of course he would want to. He probably missed her no doubt, but he will not act like he understands the complexity of their relationship. Maybe it was good that he realized this, he can’t afford getting attached to someone. I don’t deserve it. He bit his sleeve even harder, trying to forget about this. He wanted today to be over now, and probably to not talk to Gale ever again. It’s because you didn’t fuck him. The thoughts, he hated the thoughts. “I’m not feeling good Tav, you think I can head back to camp?” 

Gale looked at him worried and confused, but he blocked it out. He waited for Tav’s approval before leaving, saying to ask Wyll to come out. He nodded and left, not saying a word to anyone. After reaching camp he told Wyll that Tav wanted him at the colony, he nodded and packed his things. He saw Halsin watering the wild mushrooms on the ground, smiling contently of their growth. He sighed, walking back to his tent sitting in front of it. He can see the light inside Shadowheart’s tent, seeing scratch also in there with her.

He went inside and laid down, staring blankly at the top of the tent. He remembered last night, the stars Gale conjured for him. The comfort of just being in Gale’s presence, the feeling of warmth. The visions start flooding his head.

“Sebastain, we-we can’t be together” he placed his hand on Sebastian’s, the one cupping his face. “Yes we can love, love can conquer anything” he started crying, knowing that was a lie. He wanted to believe him, but he knew his master. He was only his spawn for not very long, but it was long enough to regret ever agreeing to become one. He was young, he wanted to live. “I love you” he kissed Sebastian, he knew he needed to lure him back, but instead he never thought he would fall in love. “I love you too”

Love? What an idiot he was, he could never love. 

“Tonight, I’ll meet you. We will run away” he kept shaking his head no, he could never run away. Master said so, he could never even make it out of Baldur's Gate. He wanted to have hope, he needed to have hope. “Okay, we can run away together” he didn’t know why he agreed, but he did. Maybe he could, what if he could escape?

He laughed, almost on the verge of tears. He can never escape, he will never be free.

He climbed down the tunnel quietly, making sure nobody followed him. He knew it was probably stupid to meet in the same place that himself and his siblings use to bring in people for master, but he didn’t know where else to meet. It’s like Cazador has an invisible leash, and he knows everything. He saw Sebastain in the distance, he ran over to him. He can taste it, the freedom he wants to chase. Can I escape him? He met hands with Sebastian, they smiled at each other. “Well, well, well what do we have here?” He snapped his head around, seeing Cazador walking towards him. Fear entered his body, he slowly backed up. He hid Sebastian behind him, knowing he probably sees him anyways. “Oh fresh cattle you brought me boy? It couldn’t possibly be that you’re running away right?” He shook his head no repeatedly, he kept backing up. “Yes we are running away from you” he heard Sebastain say behind him. “Oh this one has a mouth” he pushed him to the ground, he yelled in pain as he collided with the wet cement.

The panic set in, as he saw his master towering over his lover. “Get…get away from him!” Cazador let out a big laugh “oh the little spawn is finding a voice…how exciting” the sinister sound in the last words made him not say another word. He watched Cazador wind up his staff, slamming it down on Sebastian. He saw him cough out blood, he watched in horror. All he could do was scream “NOOO PLEASE!” Cazador rolled his eyes “not know boy, i’ll deal with you later” 

He started sobbing, covering his mouth with his hands to muffle the sound. Sebastian. If only it was different, if only he was different. He can’t love again, he will never love again. He never knew what happened to him, and Cazador never told him. A quick vision flooded his mind.

He stared looking at Gale lifeless on the ground, blood pooling around his body. “You ran away from me boy, and you fell in love? Two rules broken” he started sobbing, he fell to the floor. “Oh little spawn, he never loved you anyways remember. People only want you to use you” Cazador crouched down to his level. “I did you a favor” he felt Cazador move his hair out of his face, making him want to crawl out of his skin. “You’ll never have to deal with that with me. My favorite little spawn” he felt the whisper in his ear.

He clutched his chest, and rotated to his side. Trying to stop the panic from setting in, taking deep breaths in and out. He couldn’t stop the tears from flooding, but he knew how to cry silently. He had to when he was still with Cazador, he would get punished for crying. He can never let that happen to Gale, he wouldn’t know how to live with himself if that happened. Even though he knows Gale will never like nor love him, still he cares a lot for him. It’s crazy how things can change so fast, not long ago he found Gale a bit of an annoyance. 

Now he’s the only one that quiets the thoughts, and he just enjoys his company. Every time he’s with him, for once he feels like a normal person. Well as normal as a vampire can be anyways, but he feels like he’s not a messed individual. He pulled out a bottle of wine from the stash he has in his tent, he uncorked the bottle and started drinking directly from it. He needed to drink his thoughts away, and just numb everything. 

He drank one bottle, working on the next. So many thoughts running through his head, all of them are about Gale. He doesn’t even deserve love, yet here he is upset that Gale might not like him. Upset that maybe he still has feelings for Mystra, and even more upset that Gale doesn’t want to have sex with him. The last one is pathetic, he knows but what other value can he offer? None of this matters, because he’s scared of the consequences most of all. So scared in fact that he feels like he needs to shut Gale out, and never talk to him again. 

He’s too scared to admit that he’s falling for Gale.

Chapter Text

Gale’s POV

Confusion. The only word that could describe what was going on between him and Astarion. In all honesty he thought Astarion hated his guts, but lately he’s been all over him. Of course he wasn’t complaining, it’s been really nice to have the attention he won’t lie. When he got this orb trapped inside his body, well he shut himself away from everyone. It was not just because of the orb though, but one could say he was going through a ‘heartbreak’. 

He can’t deny that he suffered really badly from depression, even now. Hanging out with Astarion, well it’s a good distraction of things. Astarion is a complex, and he won’t deny that. He can see the very huge walls that surround him, and he knows how hard it will be to get in. Though he’s not sure if that is what Astarion even wants, his motives seem very unclear to him. This whole situation is the only thing on his mind as of late. 

What happened down by the river took him by surprise the most, and he’s been trying his best to never let that happen around him again. He never considered the type of past he would have, but seeing that it can’t be a good one. He wouldn’t even consider that a past, seeing as it wasn’t even that long since they got captured. That was just his life not even that long ago, and he can’t even picture what it was like. 

No matter what past, he found himself getting attached to him. He finds Astarion unbelievably beautiful, it almost intimidates him most of the time. The way his curly hair falls behind his ears, his cute smile even though he knows he would punch him for saying that, and that snarky little laugh of his. He wants to go out of his way to say something funny, so he can hear the laugh more. This is what his mom always warns him about, quick attachments. Maybe then he wouldn’t have gotten sucked into Mystra, but he feels like that was unavoidable. 

He blamed himself everyday for what happened between them, and he still blames himself mostly still. He doesn’t feel good enough, strong enough, and that’s exactly why there’s an orb in his chest. An orb that’s waiting to explode, constantly wanting to feed on weave. Was he really in a position to love again? Does he even deserve it? He doesn’t know the answers, but he will surely try anyway. Though he’s not sure that Astarion even thinks about him like that, at most it looked like he was just trying to hook up. 

He wouldn’t have been entirely against it if it wasn't for the orb, and the fact that Astarion was drunk that night. It’s embarrassing for him to admit but he has  fantasies…about Astarion, and boy does he lean into them heavily. He knows it’s not entirely appropriate to do this, and he would never tell another about it. The visions of being on top, being gentle, hearing the moans, it was enough to drive Gale mad.  

He had to smack himself back to reality, completely forgetting he wasn’t alone. He walked along with Tav and the rest of the team, now with Wyll by his side. Astarion left in a rather odd fashion, and he wasn’t quite sure why. It was right after he heard the mind flayer talk about the wizard tower, which he has to check out. Not because it was a cleric of Mystra, but he needed to see if there’s ingredients in there. He’s hoping he can find a way to feed Astarion, he needs to purify his blood somehow. Well that’s if he can, he’s super not sure if he could. 

He noticed Astarion being more ‘sluggish’ than usual, and him being hungry makes sense. He instantly wanted to help, which might be his downfall sometimes. He knows though that even Astarion can’t handle his blood, he’s never seen anything like his blood before. Whatever that orb did to him affected it, and he tried many things in his tower to fix it. Of course he didn’t try super hard, so here’s hoping he can find something that can work. 

After heading to the tower, they found their way to disable the turrets. Gale found himself on his own mission, he split away from the group casting feather fall on himself. He started jumping on the mushrooms, making his way to the back of the tower. He finally landed on the backside of the tower, using arcane lock on the door. He fiddled and tapped every place with his hands, trying to find an entrance. He knows she has a secret office somewhere, because he has one himself at home. He saw a doorway that had a weird indent all around it, he found the secret button and pushed it in. 

The room was quiet, the lady nowhere to be seen. He sighed a relief, because that wouldn't have been a very uncomfortable confrontation. He got to work, placing his notebook down on the wooden table. Whatever is in his blood is necrotic, so he needs to start from there. He looked around, seeing if there was black oleander around here. He saw it on the top shelf, he reached for it. He put it into the mortar, writing it into his notebook. He added some mugwort, and then started grinding it up with the pestle.  

He took his bag off from his back, opening it looking for a knife. He removed the case his pocket knife was in, and he lightly cut his hand. He whined his pain, feeling the sting of the cut. He drained his blood into the mortar, his blood looking black as midnight. He can smell the acrid smell to it, he stirred it around with the other ingredients. He watched as the blood slowly started turning red again, he started getting excited. Now the only thing he can do is drink it, he made sure he had potions in case it didn’t work. 

He closed his eyes, and took the tiniest sip possible. He scrunched his face up, as he can’t believe he just drank his own blood. To his surprise though, it tasted exactly like blood. Honestly it tastes like he swallowed a penny, he doesn’t know what vampires see in this stuff. Though I suppose they had no choice in the matter. He wrote down the recipe in his journal, making a vial for Astarion.

After he patched up his hand, he found his way back to the group. He felt a little woozy from taking some of his blood, but he’ll manage. He made sure not to take more than a pint and a half. “Gale where were you? You scared us to death” He held up his hand to apologize. “Sorry you know me. I saw a wizard tower, and I got a bit carried away” they accepted that lie, and he rejoined them.

After they finished up their business at the tower, they started heading back to camp. He was excited to give Astarion the vial, he hopes it will help him greatly. He knows things have been a bit weird between them, but he really does want to help. He really started to like Astarion, and he wanted to show him. Maybe both of them are bad at feelings, but maybe he can nudge it in the right direction. In better circumstances he would've taken Astarion out on a date, but this time he has to wing it. 

They finally got back to the campsite, and he looked around for Astarion. He saw his tent have the smallest hue of yellow, the light poking through the tent. He was about to enter, when he heard faint crying from the other side. He was hesitant, before clearing his throat “Astarion it’s me, Gale” he heard the crying immediately stop, and after a couple moments he heard a response “come in”. He let himself in, seeing Astarion huddling with a blanket trying to keep himself warm. 

“I hope I didn’t intrude” he placed his bag on the floor, and sat across from him. “No it’s okay. It’s actually nice to see you” he tried to hide his blushing, but he knows he gets flustered fast.  “I-I’ve got a present for you” Astarion lifted his head up, as he was taking it out of his back. He pulled out the vial, showing it to him. Astarion stared at him confused, “Is that blood?” he extended his arm for him to take. “Yes, my blood to be exact. I couldn’t let you be hungry, so I made it to where you can drink my blood” Astarion opened the bottle, taking a sniff of it. Before he could say another word, he saw Astarion inhale it leaving not even a drop left. 

“Good?” he laughed slightly, watching him lick his lips. He bit his lip, trying to hide his attraction to the pale elf. “Mmm yes” he saw the satisfying smile Astarion had, it made him happy to see. He only ever wants to make him happy, he feels like he deserves it. “You look good when you smile” his face flushed, he put his hands over his face to hide his embarrassment. He doesn’t know what he said out loud, but he did. He felt his hands slowly be lowered, seeing Astarion very close to his face. 

He swallowed hard, frozen on what to do next. Last time something similar happened, he made Astarion have a flashback. He doesn’t know what it was and why it got triggered because he wanted to make sure that never happened again. “Kiss me” he heard the seduction in Astarion’s voice, it sent blood immediately down south, he felt the orb ache in his chest. He ignored the chest pain, crashing into his lips.

God he smelt so good he can’t exactly describe it, but he smelled like red berries with a musk of cedarwood. It made him so intoxicated, he wanted more. The orb sent a shockwave of pain again, making him groan. “Gale are you-” he ignored the pain, tilting Astarion’s neck to the side kissing down his neck. He was rewarded with a moan, which encouraged him more. He lightly nibbled on his neck, making Astarion giggle “hey that’s my job darling” he rolled his eyes playfully, he pushed Astarion gently. He smiled, laying on the floor, waiting for him. He smiled going on top of Astarion, he resumed kissing offering his tongue. 

Their tongues started dancing, only parting to breathe. He can tell Astarion is getting frustrated, squirming around wanting for more. He’s already risking so much, he’s not sure how much more he can do because of the orb. He wanted him so bad though, but he also didn’t want to blow the whole Underdark up, especially everyone here. “Ah please” he let Astarion guide his hand, he sighed as he placed it on his hard cock. 

He can feel the redness of his cheeks now, he wouldn’t doubt his whole face is red. He started moving his hand over the cloth of Astarion’s pants, the moan he let out was music to his ears. Maybe he can just suck his cock? That wouldn’t overwork himself, maybe he could. He went to pull down Astarion’s pants, but just then he saw a shift in his face.

He watched as Astarion looked up at the ceiling, looking ten miles away. Does he not like this? Why isn’t he saying anything? He immediately stopped, and sat up. “What-what? Why did you stop?” Astarion still looks ten miles away, begging. The look in his eyes, it’s like he’s trying to just let it happen…even if he didn’t want it to…then it all clicked for him. The accident when they tried to do this before, and now with him just letting it happen. He covered his mouth in shock, letting tears form in his eyes.

This is normal for him isn’t it? Or was it? If he finds that Cazador guy he was gonna wring his neck, he tries to hide his anger. He can’t tell what emotion he wants to show, his head buzzing with so many. “No-no more Astarion. This-this isn’t right” Astarion got up, struggling to come back to reality. “Please you can have me however you like! I’m here to please you” he backed up a little, this isn’t Astarion. Maybe it is, which is making this more messed up. “You’re not in your right frame of mind.” 

“Is it because…I’m not good enough” He shook his head no repeatedly, this is becoming overwhelming. He can feel himself struggling to breath, feeling the walls close in on him. He doesn’t know what to do, of course he is good enough. “Please let me please-” he couldn’t take enough. “STOP!” The immediate silence spreads throughout the tent, he sees the horror on Astarion’s. He ran out of the tent, not looking back. He rushed to his tent, running inside. He still can’t comprehend what just went on.

All he could do was cry. Who would do such a thing to a person? Why can this world be so cruel? He doesn’t know if he should be mad at himself or not. He doesn’t know if he could face him ever again.

Chapter Text

After the accident neither of them have spoken to each other, and went to great lengths to not even be next to each other. After that night Gale didn’t know how to feel, and didn’t even know what to say to Astarion. He tried to engage in conversation many times, but before he could ever say anything Astarion walked away. He eventually gave up, and truly left him alone. He can’t deny that it upsets him greatly.

From one messy relationship to whatever this is, he sure knows how to wrap himself in things like this. Mystra felt all one sided on his part majority of the time, but he wouldn’t even know what to call this. He was hoping for something different with him, something more. He didn’t think it was going to end up this way. He wasn’t sure where to even start, but he assumes that whatever was going with them is now gone. 

At the end of the day, he was still unsure what Astarion wanted. Perhaps he will never know, but he knows why now. Why Astarion is how he is, and it pains him to know. He wasn’t sure how to approach situations like that, but he knows for sure that he handled it poorly. Then again, he wasn’t sure to handle it. Everyday grows more painful, watching Astarion try to ignore him while seeing sadness on his face. They still make eye contact with each other, and every time there’s sadness in the air. If only he wasn’t so bad at feelings, and better equipped to handle it. 

Even though he wasn’t even so sure of himself, what can he possibly offer another person? Maybe it was better this way he thought.  That feeling with Mystra is coming back, the feeling of just not being good enough. He doesn’t know how to shake these feelings, but it’s more complicated than ever before. If only Tara was here, it’s surprising how helpful his tressym is when it comes to advice. She would know how to knock some sense into him that is, and try to help him fix whatever mess he caused. 

Tonight he is cooking dinner, trying his best to take his mind off things. It’s hard to take your mind off things, when the person that’s on your mind is constantly there. He hates the awkward tension and distance between them, but he just doesn’t want to push it. Astarion made it very clear he didn’t want to talk to him, so he’s respecting that. After all he does care for him, and he wants nothing but the best for him. “Whatcha making?” he turned to the side, seeing Halsin sit on the bench around the fire. He decided for something easy today, because it was a super draining day in the Underdark. 

He hopes their days in the Underdark are coming to an end, though from the sounds of it the shadowcursed lands is going to be worse. He just wants to see sunlight again, it’s been draining to only see shadows and gloom. He thinks about Astarion being a vampire, and how difficult it might’ve been giving up sunlight. He knows how depressing that could be, because he did it himself. He can’t imagine spending years doing it though, sounds awful. “Ah, just potato stew which I know is not very exciting” he stirred the stew around, waiting for the potatoes to become tender.

“Anything is good Gale” he nodded, enjoying the company. Soon after everyone joined, all except for Astarion. He peered over, seeing a faint light in his tent. He sighed, he thought about Astarion’s hunger and how he has to be hungry. The last time he saw him satisfy his hunger was when he gave him his blood, and that was two weeks ago. He notices that Astarion struggles to ask for help, and it’s upsetting to see. “Give him time” he jumped, feeling embarrassed getting caught staring. He looked at Halsin, who was softly smiling at him. 

“He cares a lot about you” he finds Haslin to be untrue. It’s not that he thinks Astarion is a bad person, but it’s hard to believe anyone cares about him. He stared at his tent again, contemplating everything. What could he have done differently? He watched as Astarion came out, and he can tell by his darkened eyes how hungry he is. Astarion’s eyes become more dark and sunken when he grows hungry, he noticed it from the last time. Sometimes it gets agitating that he won’t ask for help, if only he knew people cared about him.  

Watching Astarion talk to everyone besides him stung a lot, he didn’t expect to it’s horrible.  He finally finished dinner, dishing out everyone’s bowl. It was too much for him to be around, so he made himself a bowl and left. He felt a pair of eyes on him, but he didn’t care. He went into his tent to eat by himself. 

Two weeks turned into four, and they still have not spoken to each other, and every week has become more unbearable than the other. They finally are wrapping up being in the Underdark, and they found the passage to the Shadowcursed lands. He’s not sure what’s in store for them at Moonrise Towers, but it sounds like the cure for their tadpole situation is becoming more and more a myth. The group is trying to remain optimistic, but he can tell it’s wearing them all down. 

Astarion still has yet to admit to someone that he’s hungry, and he can tell it’s taking a toll on him. He wonders why nobody else is noticing it, but honestly everyone has been so stressed out about the situation. Tonight was the night he couldn’t see himself doing that anymore, so he took out the recipe to fix his blood. He made it and placed it in a vial again. He waited until everyone was asleep, because he didn’t want to make Astarion feel weird or embarrassed needing help. 

After he saw everyone settled in their tents, he took a deep breath walking towards Astarion’s tent. He hesitated standing in front of Astarion’s tent, he knew he didn’t want to talk to him. He wanted to just hang out with him again, it pains him to say that he missed him. He missed the teasing remarks and seeing the soft shy side of Astarion, seeing that side of him made it feel so much more special. Who knew Astarion was such a cute person when he wanted to be, it made him want to bring that person out more. 

He exhaled before just leaving the blood on the table outside of Astarion’s tent, he knocked on it to get his attention before leaving quickly. He stopped halfway, looking back at the tent to make sure he heard it. He saw the tent open slightly, staying open for a second. He started hoping he wouldn’t be overstepping doing this, he saw him pick up the vial staring at it for a second. He swallowed hard, now overthinking this whole thing. Last he needs is him getting more upset at him, just something he would mess up again. He thinks he tends to do that a lot. After that, he saw him bring the vial in the tent with, closing the tent.

He smiled, accepting that as a good enough response. He went back to his tent, going to bed for the night.

Giving him his blood has become a common thing now, and still neither one of them have talked to each other. He doesn’t mind doing it, even if Astarion is still mad at him. He doesn’t blame him for being upset at him, and he still wants to give him his space. Though his longing for him has become unbearable, none of it matters though. Finally done with the Underdark, they are now in the process of taking down their camp, moving it to the next location. After that lengthy process, they left for the shadowcursed lands.

Everyone cramped into the elevator, taking them down to the shadowcursed lands. The space around them started getting dark, which made him instantly think of Astarion. He thought of the stair incident, and instantly lit up the elevator, making sure it no longer was dark. He looked over watching Astarion taking deep breaths in and out, clinging on to Halsin. He has to look away quickly, as the jealousy would make him act differently. 

He understands that Halsin helps him, and he would never bash that. Though he hates how that isn’t him, and he knows how selfish that is. He tried to distract himself by listening to Tav’s and Wyll’s conversation, and what the next steps are. He’s finding it hard to do that, constantly looking over at Astarion and Halsin. They finally got to the end of the elevator, they walked out instantly feeling the heaviness of the air. It was much different than anything he has ever felt, and they haven’t fully stepped out into the lands yet. Tav walked around handing everyone torches “guys please make sure you guys never extinguish these” the joking in her voice made him laugh, they walked their way to the door.

“Woah there travelers, may I ask you a minute of your time?” he looked closer, before widening his eyes. He moved in front of the group “Elminster?” He saw the very same old man that grew to know during his time as archmage. “The very same Gale. I’ve travelled all this way to extend the message of Mystra to you” he became frozen in place. Mystra? He heard a groan from behind him, he glanced at Astarion rolling his eyes then looking away. He didn’t pay that any mind, turning his attention back at the old wizard. “Why? Out with it Elminster, please” great just to make this whole situation more complicated. Honestly he’s not sure he even wanted to know.

The last moments he remembered of Mystra was her blatantly ignoring him, and he had no understanding of why. It was like a knife to the heart, like she finally had enough toying with him. She dropped him so fast that he never saw it coming. After that he kept trying to find answers to that question, which resulted in this blasted orb in his chest. It sure got Mystra's attention, just not the attention he thought he would get. 

He tries to forget about those days, because he went into his darkest times during this. “Well how about we talk about this over a nice hearty meal” he rolled his eyes, trying his best to not come off rude “oh for the love of-” he was cut off by Tav coughing, flashing him a quick smile. “Okay-okay we’re on our way to find a camping spot. You have to tag along if you want food” Elminster gladly accepted, following them into the shadowcursed lands. 

The air outside was something else, it was almost suffocating. He never felt anything like it before, and the darkness was all around us. It made him feel bad for Astarion, knowing that they will be encased in darkness. The only light that would be around is whatever light their torches could emit. Even then in this darkness, the light seems dull in the shadowcursed lands. He saw it on Astarion’s face too, the unsettling anxiety written on his face. If only he could make him feel safe, if only. 

The walk was unsettling and very unnerving, seeing no form of life anywhere. Any form of life looks far gone, and rotted away. It’s a bit overwhelming to see, and now he regrets ever complaining about the Underdark. He has no idea where they would even set up their camp, this place seems like there’s no comfortable place to be. After wandering aimlessly, they found a location off some river. It seemed away from everything, and somewhat normal out of it all. The water looks questionable, hopefully they can purify it. 

After everyone set up their camps, he noticed Astarion set his tent up far away from his. He tried not to let it bother him, but every little thing made it build up every day. He set up his camp, quickly trying to make dinner. He wants to hear whatever Elminster has to say, though he’s not sure he’s ready to hear it. After the dinner everything died down, leaving only Tav, him, and Elminster around the fire. “You still have fine cooking skills Gale!” he can tell he’s stalling, and the hospitality is wearing thin. “Elminster!” he snapped at him, he didn’t mean to snap at him like that but it’s been a stressful time. 

Elminster sighed “it pains me to say this to you my boy, but Mystra has come to give you a charge, and a task” he raised his eyebrows confused “a task?” He wanted to be mad, but he’s just confused. He doesn’t understand why Mystra wanted to even contact him, and especially to give him a task. “You know where you went wrong Gale, and we can’t change the past. Mystra would consider…what she considered forgiveness” Forgiveness? His mind is racing a million thoughts. Why would she consider forgiveness? 

“She feels like you have the component to stopping this whole Absolute issue” Tav stepped in “Gale alone? How so?” then it clicked “the orb” Elminster nodded, sadness in his eyes. Of course, he had to swallow the lump in his throat. Just adding insult to injury, he has an ex of his tasking him to blow himself up with his orb. “That’s insane! You’re asking him to kill himself!” he looked down, hoping this is all a bad dream. “He’s not, but it seems Mystra is” he wanted to be angry, and he wanted to be sad. At the end of it all, he was considering doing the task.

“It pains me to say it Gale, but I'm here to give you a charge and stability to your orb” he heard Elminster speak an incantation, pointing it at his chest. For the first time the orb in his chest felt calm, the ache and hunger from inside his chest, gone. “I shall take my leave, I leave you to your friends to guide you to the right choice” he nodded, still trying to understand all of this. “Thank you Elminster. I’m glad she picked you” he didn’t mean for that to come off wrong, but it somewhat did. 

He watched Elminster conjure away, leaving him standing there with his thoughts. “We will find another way Gale” he couldn’t even focus on what Tav said, just nodded in response. He watched Tav walk away, leaving him alone with his thoughts. He looked over, seeing Astarion from not too far away staring at him. He knew he absolutely heard the conversation, because he could see it in his face. It almost seems like he sees worry in his face, but he knew that couldn’t be true. 

He walked back to his tent, avoiding eye contact with anyone. This emotion is the same emotion he felt when the orb got planted into his chest, despair. Maybe the orb is the only purpose he seems to have in his life, and now even more so. He never knew what his destiny would be in life, but clearly the world is giving him a sign. How would he even know where to use the orb? What would happen if he did? The thought of blowing himself up is terrifying, but it must be done. “Gale!” he quickly turned around, taken by surprise. He saw Astarion staring at him, which confused him. 

He stood there, scared to say anything back. Astarion walked closer to him, but making sure not to get too close. There was feelable tension in the air, before he cleared his throat. “Please don’t blow yourself up” he looked out at the river, taking in the words he just said. “Why not? It’s a perfect solution to our situation. All I have to do is wait for the moment” he can see the anger rise in Astarion’s face. “So that’s it? You’re on a suicide mission just because a stupid god told you to! The same one who doesn’t care about you, clearly!” for a second he thought he heard jealousy in his voice, mixed with anger and sadness. If he knew any better he would think Astarion cares about him, but he knew that couldn’t be true.

He didn’t imagine that the break of ignoring each other would be him yelling at him, but here they are. He knows it’s probably what he deserves, because in life he seems to never do things right. Even when he was a kid, he always found himself doing stuff he shouldn’t have been doing. He never could get it right, it’s too late to stop himself from spiraling into despair again. “Have you ever stopped and thought about how…some people would react to you blowing yourself up!?” considering he just heard the news no, but not sure it would make a difference. Most of the time he does think this world would be better without him in it. 

Even if people were sad, he knew they’d get over it and move on. He needed to just be alone, think about everything. “Sorry I need to think and clear my head” he didn’t wait for a response, he turned and continued walking to his tent. He didn’t hear any response, and some part of that wishes he did. He got in his tent, collapsing on his bedroll. He wanted to cry, but nothing came out. He sat with his thoughts for hours, finally deciding the decision he was going to make. He was gonna do it, he was gonna go through with it. He can’t shake the feeling of being terrified, but he wants to do this for the world.

The world is being threatened by these mind flayer creatures, the absolute. He has a solution, as much as he hates to admit it. How selfish would it be for him not to use it, especially to save people that he cares about. He won’t tell people that it was mostly to find some sense of peace with himself. He thinks about all the recent events that transpired, mostly with Astarion. Would it have been different if he wasn’t so bad at making the right choices? He’s not sure. He hates how bad he thinks of him often, mostly because he feels like he ruined everything.

He thinks of all the things he loves about Astarion, honestly there isn’t one thing that he doesn’t love. Well maybe his stubbornness, but mostly he finds that charming in its own way. He finally needs to admit it to himself, he loves that man. Which he knew was a losing battle, he knows that. He feels like he needs to have a serious conversation with Astarion, the one both of them have been avoiding. He feels like there’s more of a sense of urgency now, knowing soon he will have to use this orb.

He couldn’t…die knowing that he didn’t say how he really felt. Even if he embarrasses himself, he knew he at least got everything off his chest. He will talk to him tomorrow, he will wait until next and plan something. 

After the day went by, they met with someone named Jaheria. He only ever knew about her from history books, most recent ones. He never knew much deeper than that, living all the way in Waterdeep will do that. The nerves of tonight were ruining his thoughts, he can’t even think straight. Most of what that did that day was a total blur, only remembering they found a place that was safe from the shadow curse. 

He always took small glances at Astarion, who seemed to be elsewhere also. He seemed like he was deep in thought, looking maybe for help. He still knows how bad Astarion is at doing that, maybe he thinks that is a sign of weakness. He doesn’t blame him, because sometimes he can be like that himself. After the long conversation on how they can get into Moonrise Towers, they called it a day. He prepared himself all night for the conversation, but still feels nervous about it. Telling a guy that you love him is nerve racking, and he knew the feeling wasn’t mutual. He just couldn’t bear to leave the world, never saying it. 

After everyone settled down, he looked to see Astarion hanging with Halsin. He was laughing and giggling, he loves hearing his laugh. He tried to be sneaky, he put a message on Astarion’s table outside his tent. He placed a rock on top of it, making sure the paper didn’t fly away. He walked to the location, in hopes that he would actually show up. He set up the area, placing a blanket on the ground. He’s trying to be somewhat romantic as one could say, but not sure how great it would be in the Shadow cursed lands.

The orb no longer bothers him, if anything it feels like a weight was lifted off his chest. He wasn’t sure what Mystra did, most likely just feeding the orb weave. He wasn’t complaining, because he felt like he didn’t have to walk across eggshells constantly. He cast stars in the Shadow cursed sky, masking the despair of the outside world. All he can do is wait, the anxiety is building in hopes Astarion will show up.

Astarion left Halsin, as he helped him build his tent. He wasn’t just gonna let him lay on the ground forever, especially not in the dump of this place. The Shadow curse is probably the worst place they had to travel to so far, and he feels constantly on edge because of the dark. The whole time Halsin kept trying to convince him to talk to Gale again, and he’s really not so sure. After the whole situation he feels like he ruined everything, and he really knows that.

He hates how fucked up his brain is, and wishes he could just be normal. Ever since he stopped talking to Gale truth be told he never had good sleep again, he has been able to trance. The night terrors have been horrible, so he decided to stay up most of the time. He doesn’t really have to sleep as a vampire, but it does have its benefits. Halsin has been helping with the night terrors, and he is grateful for that. He did miss Gale a lot, something that he had to push down. He wonders if Gale thinks about him, the way he thinks about Gale. He can’t imagine it, but it would be nice.

At first he was trying so hard to have sex with Gale, because to him that means he is safe. He knows how fucked up that is, but he can’t help himself. All of his time being a vampire he learned that his body was just meant as a transaction, never about what he wanted. He feels like that is different with Gale, and that is what scares him the most. All Gale ever wanted to do was to make him feel happy and comfortable, a feeling he is no longer used to. The intimacy scares him, and he’s not sure what to do. All the more reason he stopped talking to Gale, afraid to talk to him again. 

He was about to walk into his tent, before something caught his eye. He saw a note under a rock, and he picked it up unfolding it. 

Meet me in the spot that’s in the back of our camp, the pathway next to my camp.

Gale.

He felt his stomach lurch, making sure he read the note for sure. He has to make sure it wasn’t a trap, but he’s starting to think it is real. He remembers the last talk that they had, it was more so a heated talk. He was trying to talk Gale out of using the orb in his chest, which he believes that conversation didn’t go as he planned. He still thinks Gale shouldn’t use the orb, but he wasn’t sure how to convince him. He started walking to the location, not sure what this would be about.

He walked to the location, seeing Gale move his hands towards the sky. He looked up, amazed at what he saw. He saw a starry night sky, with the same stars he put in the tent that night to help him sleep. It was on such a larger scale, which made it look beautiful. He called his name, making Gale turn around. “You came” he sat next to Gale, still amazed at the stars. “The stars look nice Gale” he thinks about laying next to him, finally feeling a silence to his thoughts that night. It was something he took for granted at that time, and found a way to mess it up. 

“It’s not something I can do often, but I thought I would make it nice for you. There’s something I need to discuss with you. The orb” he leaned back on his hands, remembering the conversation they had the other day. “Please tell me you’ve decided against it. That’s the only answer I will accept darling” even if whatever weird connection they had, he still cares for him. Honestly more than he even cares about himself. He heard Gale take a deep sigh “no, I’m doing it. I’ve had to tell myself it will be worth it, that I needed to do it. If you knew the end was near, would you not want to make sure it had meaning?” He looked up at the sky, taking in what Gale said. Supposed he never thought about the end, not since he grew fangs. What is death to a person that is already dead? Many times when he got punished by Cazador, he wished he would’ve never got help from him. Though his death wasn’t anything meaningful, just some people who got mad at him for just doing his job. Suppose that is what happens when you do a job that makes people hate you.     

The sadness grew inside him “then why invite me here? If your mind is so made up?” there was a silence in the air, Gale taking another deep breath. “I brought you here because…well I wouldn’t let myself go without telling you” he sat back up, giving him his full attention. “I’m in love with you” his eyes widened, not fully understanding what he just said. 

Rule eight never fall in love with others, as I am your master. 

He placed his hands over his ears, trying to silence his voice. “No, no Gale you can’t. We can’t” the panic set in, he got up quickly. “I-I know…I just thought that maybe…I knew you wouldn’t…it’s okay” no that’s not it at all, he did love him. He knows what will happen if he loves someone, and that is why he’s been avoiding it. He wouldn’t know how to live with himself if anything happened to Gale. 

Though why would Gale love someone like him anyways? Someone so used up and broken? He’s still trying to stop the thoughts of Gale just wanting to sleep with him, he finds it hard to believe anyone loves him. None of what he feels or thinks matters though, because when Cazador finds out…he will never see Gale again. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat, stopping himself from crying. He backed away, seeing Gale looking at the ground avoiding eye contact. “I’m so sorry Gale. I’m sorry” he left rushing back to his tent.

Chapter Text

“Master I didn’t mean to betray you” his arms were quivering in fear, as he was on his hands and knees in front of his master. He was a fool to believe that he could escape, escape and be with someone he loves. Poor Sebastian, he doesn't know what he did with him. After he saw him hurt him, he grabbed him and threw him into a ‘punishment’ chamber. The chamber that makes his skin crawl, the chamber he has learned to fear. He knew he was in big trouble when he didn’t get sent to Godey, and instead Cazador punishes him. He saw Cazador crouch down, making him flinch in fear. He felt his hand squeeze both sides of his face hard, feeling him clench his jaw.

“Why of course you did, my dear. Tell me the truth now” he wanted to not tell him, but he knew he would get the truth out of him eventually. “I was running away, but I didn’t mean to master. He convinced me” he hated lying about Sebastian, he wanted to run as well. He will say anything to make him stop, but he knows that never worked in the past. “Oh, did he now? Well not to worry, I took care of him for us” the tears welled in his eyes, he didn't want to know what he could possibly mean by that. “Oh I also told him that this was all a set up. All for you to bring him to me” he didn’t respond, he knows Cazador is trying to get under his skin. 

“I wonder what kind of punishment this deserves” he tapped his finger on the side of his face, making him jump every touch. He got shoved against the ground, sliding across the concrete. He yelled in pain, knowing this is just the beginning. “Strip” he stared up at Cazador, watching his every move. He hesitated “now!” he jumped at his voice, before fully stripping his clothes. He felt the cold of the concrete on his body, avoiding eye contact with him. “My beautiful little spawn” he felt humiliated, every time he has had to do this. “Bed now” he looked over at the bed Cazador was pointing at. Panic set in, his skin starting to crawl. “Please master. I won’t do it again. I promise” he pleaded at his feet, he knew what was going to happen next. 

“You will please me tonight, will you?” he couldn’t stop from crying, choking on his own words “yes master” he got up, walking over to the bed.

He sat by the fire, trying to think straight. It’s been a couple days since he confessed to Astarion about his feelings, and he’s been a wreck since. Part of him hated that he even admitted it, because they’re no longer talking again. He doesn’t know when the end will be near for him, and he thinks maybe he could’ve waited. Maybe then he could just pretend everything is okay between them, even at a distance. He thought confessing could maybe change something, and he was a fool to think so. He warmed his hands by the fire, listening to the eerie silence of the Shadowcursed lands.  

He heard a yell, which made him jump and turn around. The noise came from Astarion’s tent, he stared at the tent for a moment. He heard another yell, followed by the rustling of his tent. He got up and rushed to his tent, knowing he was having another nightmare. He walked into Astarion thrashing around on his bed roll, he kneeled down next to him. “Wake up Astarion, you’re having a nightmare” he shook him to find no success, he wondered if that ever worked. He can tell it is a bad one, he can see the cold sweat drip down Astarion’s face.

He wants to try and help, even if it was a bad decision. He thought about grabbing Halsin, but then he remembers that he’s in Last Light Inn trying to figure out the shadow curse. “One…two…three” he sees Astarion jerk even more, tearing streaming down his face. The only thing he could think of was picking up Astarion, and holding him in his arms. He held on, feeling him jerk around in his arms. “You’re safe now” he laid his head between his neck and shoulder, trying to comfort him. He smelled Astarion’s scent, the same red berry he loves. “Five…” he’s doing the same counting he did last time, he doesn’t understand why. 

He finally picked up on some things, but he will never truly know because Astarion never told him. “No! No please! I’ll be good” he held him tighter, tears forming on his face. He buried Astarion’s face deeper in his neck “it'll  be okay. I’m here” the jerking has gotten softer, which makes him have hope that whatever he is doing is working. “I’m here” he held the back of his head, feeling the curls in between his fingers. He felt his body fall still, his breathing slowly go back to normal. He couldn’t stop, finally letting his emotions out after the situation. He cried, holding Astarion in his arms. 

He slowly laid down, laying next to him. He still held him in his arms, watching him sleep. He remembers the night when he slept next to him, and he recalled Astarion saying it was the best sleep he had in a while. He thinks he can just be here to help him, and he will leave in the morning. He looked at Asartion, wiping the tears that were stained on his face. He knows what he’s doing isn’t helping himself, it’s already worse that he knows he doesn’t feel the same. Still at this moment, this feels nice. He held him closer, he motioned and put the nightlight he did in his tent before. He drifted asleep, holding him in his arms.

He opened his eyes, feeling the warmth around him. It felt so nice, feeling it against his cold skin. He was about to drift back asleep, until he finally realized why he was feeling warmth. “Gale?” he said it low enough to not wake him up. He looked up seeing Gale resting peacefully, with an arm wrapped around him. He figures he must’ve had a night terror, and that’s why he is here. He was about to wake Gale up, but it felt nice to be wrapped up around him. He snuggled closer to him, careful not to wake him up. He looked up seeing the stars that Gale put as a nightlight, and it made him think. 

There’s so many things that Gale put up with, yet he is still here. He wished he was different, maybe then he can love Gale the way he wants to. He’s not so sure he was even capable of love, will he even be good enough for it? He thinks about what it could be like if he wasn’t so different. Even not being a vampire, just being able to love Gale with zero consequences. Then again if he wasn’t a vampire he would’ve died two hundred years ago, and he would’ve never stumbled upon Gale. 

Maybe just tonight he can be in the moment, giving into his fantasies. He leaned into the warmth looking up at Gale’s face, peacefully asleep. He lifted up his head, kissing Gale on the cheek. He whispered softly, making sure Gale would never hear or wake up “I love you too”. He drifted back to sleep in Gale’s arms. He woke up feeling the cold, opening to see light coming through the tent. He sat up, seeing that he was the only one in his tent. 

Halsin was preoccupied with the curse, so Gale has been the one helping Astarion with his night terrors, and every night he just falls asleep with him. It’s been rather nice, except for seeing Astarion in such a state. It never gets easier seeing him in distress, and he wishes he could take the pain all away. He still doesn’t know to the extent of what happened, and maybe he will never know. That doesn’t matter though, he just wants to make sure he’s happy. Maybe that’s stupid of him to do, because that didn’t work well when he was with Mystra.

That relationship was entirely different though, hanging out with Astarion made him realize how horrible his relationship with Mystra actually was. Even with him and Astarion’s connection being somewhat strenuous, it was never like it was with Mystra. He felt like he had to be a completely different person with her, sometimes he almost didn’t recognize himself with her. With Astarion it feels…natural, like he can just be himself and never have to deal with judgement. Maybe that’s what made him fall for him so quickly, though this is nothing but fantasy talk. 

He keeps needing to remind himself that Astarion has made it very clear about not having a relationship with him, which makes it so much more complicated. I guess it’s better not to be too attached given the mission of the orb anyways, everything is just so confusing. Something tells him that it’s going to get even more complicated. 

He was having a bad nightmare again, he did his normal routine. Every time he did it, it felt like Astarion calmed down much quicker with him. He held him in his arms, staring down at him asleep. He was just about to drift to sleep, then he heard the whisper of his soft voice “hey” he panicked a little, seeing Astarion wide awake beside him. This was the first time he woke up since helping him with his nightmares, surprisingly he didn’t think Astarion has caught on yet. He usually left in the morning before he woke up, he didn’t want to cause any more issues. “Hey” he rested his chin on his head “you were having a bad dream” he hoped that didn't make him too upset at him, but he felt him get even closer. “It’s okay. I always enjoy your company " There was a silence in the air. He felt Astarion push away and sit up, he looked at him confused wondering if he did anything.

“Gale…I think it’s time I tell you…everything” he sat up with him, giving him his full attention. “Over two hundred years ago Cazador turned me into a vampire, and since then I was under his command for all those years” he knew that much, but he knows this will lead to more. “Under his command I had to…do things for him. He forced me to go out, and…” he can tell he was hesitating to finish his sentence. He shot him a reassuring look, encouraging him to continue. “He would make me sleep with people…to lure them back to him. If I didn’t then…” he can see the tears starting in his eyes, he is trying to remain calm for him. “He would make me…” he struggled with the words, and Gale wasn’t gonna make him say anymore.

He already knew what he meant by it, and hearing him say it will break his heart even more. He didn’t even say anything, he just hugged him. He didn’t feel Astarion hug him back, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t stop from crying himself, holding him tight. “You don’t…you don’t think differently of me?” he can tell Astarion is crying a lot too, he just shook his head still holding tight. After a moment he felt Astarion wrap his arm around him, hugging him back. “You must think I’m used…or useless?” he broke the hug, lifting up his head with his hand. “Listen, I meant what I said when I said I am in love with you. I know you don’t feel the same, but I do not throw that word around lightly” 

They touched foreheads, he wiped away the tears on his face. “I love you too Gale, I do” he backed away, staring at him. “You…you do?” he was shocked, he never thought he would hear him say that. “I don’t understand. Then why can’t we be together?” Astarion shook his head, more tears streaming down his cheeks. “If something were to happen to you Gale…I couldn’t live with himself” he watched him put his head in his hands. “Nothing will. I pro-” he was cut off mid sentence. “No Gale, you don’t understand” maybe he doesn’t, but that doesn't mean they can’t try “but Astarion” he heard him say sorry between sobs. He feels like the universe is doing some cruel joke. He doesn’t know what’s worse, thinking Astarion doesn’t love him, or he does and he just doesn’t want to be with him.

He wants to understand that he means well, but that doesn’t stop the hurt that he feels. “Cazador is a very evil man, Gale. He-he would punish me for even thinking about loving someone else, and he will come after you” he looked down at the ground, not sure how to respond to this new information. So the person he loves, loves him back and it doesn’t even matter. “You’re free from him now. You’re safe” he heard a laugh from him, making him look up. “You think I’m safe?! I’m only ‘safe’ because of these parasites. What happens after huh!?” He never actually considered that, he would just become Cazador’s ‘property’ again. 

“We can take him. Tav and all of us, we won’t let him take you again” I won’t let him take you again. “You make it seem so simple” well he knew it wasn’t gonna be simple, but he was at least gonna try. “He even left this on my skin, to remind me…I’m still his” he watched Astarion take off his shirt, he had to try hard not to stare given the circumstances. His jaw fell open, seeing the jagged scars on Astarion’s back. He leaned closer, trying to make out what all of it even means. He was about to touch them, but he looked up at him looking for approval.

He saw him nod, and he gently placed his hand on the scars. He can tell how deep they are by the way they felt, he can’t even imagine how painful it was. “He carved these into my skin all night long, sometimes I still feel the knife he used on my back” he looked up at him with sad eyes, then focused back on the text. He studied many books, some all in different texts. This looked different, almost like…infernal. “Why did he write it in infernal?” he looked at him all confused and shocked. “Infernal, I, who knows the bastard was insane…what, what does it say?”

He can’t make out anything. He rarely had to read infernal in school, and when he did it probably he sucked at it. Honestly he’s sure he completely didn’t even pay that much attention when he learned it. He tried his best though, looking at the jagged text. He could only make out one word for sure, ‘pact’. “The only thing I know is one word and it's a pact” There was a silence in the room, he could see the gears in Astarion’s head turn. “You’re telling me you’ve never seen this?” he saw him roll his eyes “well I can’t exactly look in a mirror and check it darling” 

“I…I have a lot to think about” he nodded in agreement, he got up thinking maybe it would be best to give him space. “I’ll give you space” in reality he didn’t want to leave, but he can’t deny the hurt he feels right now. There’s many things he found out, and it’s all a lot to think about. He was about to walk out of his tent, until he felt a hand stop. “Please stay…you help me…don't have night terrors” he stared back at him, seeing the plea in his eyes. He can’t imagine how it was before, he feels sad for him. He can’t say no to those red eyes that he loves so much.

“Okay I’ll stay” he laid back down, falling asleep cuddling him again.

Chapter Text

Their relationship became more and more complicated it seems, and Gale doesn’t know how to make sense of it. He wants nothing more than to just be with Astarion, but nothing can ever be easy for him it seems. He still slept in his tent at night, and Astarion doesn’t seem to be opposed to it. If anything he encourages it, and that’s what makes it all the more confusing. He wasn’t sure how to go about it, but he thinks maybe everything will just fall into place eventually. 

The adventure in the Shadowcursed lands has everyone tired, and mostly in low spirits. He can tell there’s a lot on Astarion’s mind, as well as his mind. Everyone in the whole camp seems to be dealing with their own load of crap, which honestly makes the connection between them even better. He was gonna settle down and finally make food for them, until he looked over and saw Astarion shirtless muttering words to himself. He walked over, trying not to startle him. “A line- ugh how is anyone supposed to read this?!”

“Need help again?” he heard a loud gasp escape his lips, he quickly turned around. “What are you doing?” he was worried he might have overstepped his boundaries. “I’m sorry, I can leave you alone” he went to walk away, going back to the fire to start dinner. “No it’s okay, you just surprised me” He smiled at him, honestly it’s hard for him not to stare at him. Seeing Astarion top off made him admire, he couldn’t stop his wandering eyes. He really does think Astarion is the most beautiful person he’s come across.  He thought he knew beauty, but he really was something else. 

“If you’re gonna stand there and gawk darling at least compliment me out loud. I want to hear it” he saw that signature side smile he loves so much, making him embarrassed. He felt the blush of his cheeks, he tried to look away. He felt arms wrap around his waist, pulling him closer to him. “Go on then, compliment me” still the playful smile planted on his face. He giggled lightly, deciding to play his little game. “Let's see…I love your playful little laugh, and the smile that comes with it” Astarion rolled his eyes, moving his arms to his neck, wrapping them around him. Their faces were dangerously close, and it made him want to kiss Astarion so bad. 

“Boooring, you can do better than that” he laughed trying to calm his nerves, and he loves when Astarion brings out his teasing side. God he feels like a teenager in love for the first time again, and he can’t deny that he loves it. “Okay, okay I love your soft yet piercing eyes” he grabbed his waist, feeling his cold skin chill his arms. “Tsk tsk Gale, I expected your game to be better” they laughed together, enjoying each other's company. “Oh yeah? Let's see you try. What do you like about me?” he saw him think for a second “I love how gentle you are with me” he couldn’t stop from blushing even more.

“Getting sentimental on me now?” he rewarded him another eye roll, he pushed him closer feeling their bodies touch. He raised his hands up his back, feeling the healed scars on his back. Despite the scars, he loves how soft Astarion skin feels. He felt his heart race pick up, it only happens with him. Now that he comes to think of it, he never felt this way before. Even with Mystra, no one else made his heart race like Astarion did. He felt his hand cup his cheek, he looked into those red eyes. “What do you see when you see my face?” That was quite the question, and he doesn’t know how to describe it. He thought long, resisting the urge to just kiss him. “When I see your face I see someone who has a story. You’re beautiful, and not just looks. Your laugh, your smile, just everything” there was silence, both staring at each other with longing.

He bit his lip, trying to fight the urge to kiss him. He knows he is fighting it too, before Astarion finally breaks away. “Cute” he had to cough to clear the nerves, feeling the cold of the air around him again. He never wanted that moment to end, and it just made him wish things were different. He watched Astarion put back on his shirt “what were you doing before?” Astarion ran fingers through his hair. “Let’s not worry about that right now. What were you doing?” Gale knew he was avoiding that question, but he didn’t fight it. “I was about to make dinner, care to join?”

“Ha! I cannot cook” he laughed as well, motioning over to the little cooking stating he set up before he came over. “I’ll show you” he walked over, hearing Astarion follow him. He started working, guiding Astarion through it. “Damn it” he saw him struggling to cut a carrot, peeling it very dangerously. He got behind him sitting on the ground, wrapping his arms around him. “Here” he placed his hands on his, guiding him through the process. He was not sure why but controlling Astarion’s hands made him laugh, which made him laugh along.

He never thought Astarion would have this side of him, it honestly feels like a privilege to see it. It felt like he was being himself, not some image he tries to portray. He could tell that the big ego, care about nothing attitude was all a facade. He could tell he tried his best to not seem weak to people, it felt nice to see the more authentic side of him. “Well I guess I’m glad I don’t have to eat this anymore” they finished up cutting, putting it in the pan. He kept his arms wrapped around him, watching the food slowly cook. 

This felt nice, in this moment it felt like they were a couple. He looked out into the big river, seeing Last Light Inn not so far away. He thought about all that happened, the mission, the orb. Even just for a moment he can escape that chaos with this, a moment of bliss. He looked down at Astarion, staring out at the same river as him. Seeing the Shadowcursed lands find a way to light up his face so beautifully, even amongst the chaos there was beauty. He couldn’t help himself “I love you” he saw Astarion look up at him, smiling. “I-” he heard him stop himself, before frowning getting up. 

Just like that the moment is gone, leaving him feeling cold again. Just for it to be another complicated mess again, something that leaves him confused. He looks at the food, and it looks to be done. He announces to everyone that it’s done, and they all come out to eat. During dinner all he could do was think about Astarion, giving him glances. When he thinks he breaks through to Astarion, just like that the walls go back up. Relationships will never be easy for him, if only he had Tara here to guide him. After she drilled into him about letting his beard grow this long, she would probably just tell him to go for it. Though he tried to no success, should he just give up?

“Halsin!” he watched Astarion get up and walk over to him. “Hey I thought I’d take a break, seems like a good time, I’m starving” he couldn’t help but stare at them interact, he couldn’t deny the jealousy that he felt. He has to keep mentally slapping himself, knowing there’s really nothing to be jealous about. After everyone finished their meals, they discussed the next steps. They need to make their way to Moonrise, now having protection from the curse without torches.

He started cleaning up, Karlach helping him which he appreciates. He kept looking over and Halsin and Astarion talking by Astarion’s tent, he drops the metal cup from his hands. “You good?” he nodded quickly at Karlach, hoping that Astarion didn’t see that. “Why don’t you just talk to him, Gale?” he felt embarrassed, was it really that obvious? “Believe me, I tried” no point in lying about it, because he knows Karlach wouldn’t fall for it. “Maybe he just needs time?” he nodded in response. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t who knows.

After they finish cleaning, he decides this night calls for a good glass of wine. He needed to take his mind off things, maybe a good book and wine could do that. He walked back to his tent, he heard footsteps behind him. “You’re not staying in my tent tonight?” he turned, seeing Astarion holding a glass of wine. He wanted to, so bad. He just couldn’t, he couldn’t keep going like this. The constant back and forth in his head, it’s all too much. It made him think about the time when he locked himself away in his tower, wondering why he was never good enough. Did he not deserve love? He believes the universe was telling him no. 

He’s torn, because he wants to understand Astarion. He wants to understand why he doesn’t want to connect, why can’t there be more between them. He understands that maybe he’s scared, scared for a connection. All he can think about though is his emotions, and he knows how selfish that is. “No…and I think it’s best we probably don’t anymore” he hated saying that, his own mind wanted to argue against that statement. “But…Gale” he sees the sadness in his eyes, and he’s sure he looks sad too. “Maybe it’s best for both of us” he doesn’t even know what he’s saying, just that it hurts. 

“Ok” there was a silence in the air, before they both went their own separate ways. He went to his tent to try and forget about it.

He tried to fight the lump in his throat, walking back to his tent. He saw Halsin patiently waiting, sipping slowly on some beer. He was hoping all three of them would hang out together, but that went to crap very quickly. He doesn’t understand why he couldn’t just be normal, he doesn’t deserve someone like Gale. He couldn’t risk being close, he couldn’t let anything happen to him. “Your mood changed” he poured himself some more wine, sitting on his pillows he placed outside his tent. 

He sipped his wine, trying to understand what just happened. “It’s complicated, you know that” he filled Halsin in on what was going on between him and Gale, and of course Halsin was trying to be supportive. “You need to stop leading him on Astarion, it’s not good for either of you” he knows, he just can’t stop himself. He wants it, but he doesn’t deserve it. Every time he thinks about what Cazador would do to them, it scares him away even more. He has the same dream playing on repeat, Gale lifeless with a pool of blood around him. Cazador laughs, as he tries to wake him up, he can’t.

He never wants that nightmare to come true, he wants Gale to live. Even if that means without him, even if that hurts him. “Astarion, are you still on about not deserving love?” he swirls his wine around, before downing the rest of it. “I suppose so, after all who wants to be with me? I can’t seem to ever make up my mind, and make things more complicated. Also I’m…used, and-” he got cut off by Halsin. “No stop with that. We’ve been over this. You did what you needed to survive.” he shook his head, if only he could make his head believe that.

“Astarion I know it’s hard, but you have to start living your life again. You can’t let him have this…power over you, even here” but he still does though, the parasite is the only thing stopping it. Maybe if he stays far enough away? He knows that Cazador would find a way, he probably is cooking a plan up now. Speaking of plans, he decided what he was going to do with these scars. He knows there’s something more to them, and he will find out. He knows from Gale that one word means pact, but what else could it mean. He knows one person that would now.

“You know our devilish friend that keeps following us around?” Halsin nodded, as he knew about Raphael. “I plan on asking about the scars on my back” he raised his brow in confusion, he forgot he didn’t tell Halsin about it yet. “Long story, but Cazador carved them into my back. They’re written in infernal, and I need to know what they mean” he saw the worry in his face. “Are you sure you want to ask a devil for help? He’s gonna make you do something for him” he knows that, and honestly he’s willing to make that sacrifice. “Well I don’t have much of a choice, even the book worm didn’t know what it meant” 

“Karlach?” he immediately shook his head no, he didn’t want anyone else to know about his issue. “Okay I’ll support that decision, but that might come back to bite all of us” he knew that the devil wasn’t gonna do anything to jeopardize the plans he has with them. “Well if that happens, we worry about it then” they talked more, both avoiding the conversation about Gale. He wonders if Gale is thinking about him now, he wonders if he is okay. He knows he’s probably hurting him, and he doesn’t want to hurt him. Halsin made him realize how incredibly selfish he was being, leading him on. It’s not that he didn’t love him, he loves him even more than he loves himself. 

After they said goodbye, he headed back into his tent. He knows he won’t have any sleep tonight, the tent now having a feeling of loneliness without Gale. He sees the book Gale brought over in the corner, as he would read while he laid in his lap. He can hear the soft turning of the pages, as it filled the air with comfort. Now the only thing there is now is a dim light, that he keeps on to never be in the dark. He laid down, laying his head on his hand. He stared up at the ceiling, the room ever so slightly moving due to the wine. He felt himself drifting into sleep. 

“Gale! No!” his body was lifeless, blood still spreading out around him” he fell on his knees, crying over his body. He couldn’t protect him, he let this happen. Cazador laughed behind him, making him jump in fear. “I told you boy, you never learn” he should’ve listened. 

He jolted back awake, the same dream again. It’s no longer flashbacks, but maybe a glimpse at the future. He looked around the tent, feeling the cold around him. Who knew how lonely it would feel without him, he peaked outside of his tent. He looked into the distance, seeing Gale’s tent still have a light to it. He fought the urge to go over there, he wanted to desperately. He thought of Halsin words of leading him on, so he closed the tent. He laid back down, tossing and turning never to find sleep.

He really was an idiot, he couldn't find himself to sleep. He stares at the ceiling, missing the feeling of Astarion next to him. Maybe he wasn’t powerful enough? Maybe he thinks he couldn’t help protect him. This is the same thought process he had before, the orb humming softly reminding him of his mistake. He has grown to love his nights with Astarion, it's painfully lonely without him. He can feel the soft wind against his tent, adding to the loneliness he felt.

“Can’t sleep either?” he jolted up, seeing Astarion’s face peek through his tent. Well that would’ve been more embarrassing if he wasn’t fully clothed or something. He took a moment to catch his scared breath. “-No, I can’t” he can tell he was tossing and turning, seeing Astarion’s curly hair all over the place. He wanted to tell him how adorable it was, but he knew Astarion would tease him for it playfully. “Can-can I come in?” he hesitated before saying yes, he really can’t say no to him. Not because Astarion made him feel pressured, but because he simply loved him. 

He can tell Astarion is trying to not look upset, he’s failing horribly. He still cares so much about him, and he wants him happy. “What’s wrong? I can tell you’re upset about something” there was a silence, before Astarion basically leaped into his arms. He heard his soft crying, he wrapped his arms around him. “Hey, hey it’s okay. I’m here” he moved him more on his lap, making sure both were comfortable. “I keep having a dream…you’re dead- Cazador…and” he held him closer. “I’m here Astarion, don’t worry. I’m not gonna leave you” he heard the distress in his voice, he can tell whatever he saw really shook him up.

“I don’t want anything bad to happen to you Gale” he kept reassuring him, holding him close. He thought of ways to lighten the mood “I really love how fluffy your hair is right now” he ran his finger through it, worried it might get caught in it. He can tell whatever product Astarion puts in his was mostly washed out, it always smelt faintly of coconut oil. “You’re a dork” he chuckled at his comment, wiping his tears away. “You want to spend the night?” he nodded in response, relaxing in his arms. 

He placed him on the makeshift bed he has on the ground, and he finds his tent a little bit more roomy than Astarion’s truthfully. He took off his shirt to get more comfortable, he usually sleeps in his underwear, but he wants Astarion to feel comfortable. He looked back, red instantly flushing his cheeks. He saw Astarion propped up on his elbow, only in his underwear. God he wants to hide whatever product he uses on his hair, the fluff is something he’s growing to like. Maybe he likes to see Astarion in his most comfortable way.

He didn't know where to look, he didn’t want to be disrespectful. “Come on Gale don’t be so nervous. Be comfortable…you know I trust you” he loves to hear him say that, he probably knows how rare that is for Astarion. He stripped his pants away, now in his underwear too. “Purple underwear. Cute” he tried to not feel embarrassed, seeing the little smirk Astarion always does. 

They laid next to each other, starting to want something more. Gale cleared his throat, trying not to admire Astarion’s body. It was hard not too with the way his body flowed, the beauty of his skin, the softness of his features. “What did I say about gawking dear?” He wanted to do something, but he wanted Astarion to make a move first. This will make him feel more comfortable, knowing that this is what he wanted. 

After moments of looking at each other, he saw Astarion move close. He felt his lips very close to him, feeling his heart race even faster than it already was. Their lips collided, making him sigh in satisfaction. He missed his lip very much, feeling the softness of them. He deepened the kiss, letting his desire take over. He felt Astarion’s fang lightly bite his lip, feeling blood draw a little. He never knew he would like that feeling, he learned something new. 

He quickly placed Astarion on top of him, exploring his body. He moved his hands around his hips, moving them up his back. He felt his scars, making Astarion break away. He sat up a little more, hoping he didn’t just ruin everything. “Sorry it’s just new…feeling someone touch my scars” he never considered how that might be uncomfortable to do, and should’ve asked more about it. “I’m sorry I should’ve considered-” he got shut up by his lips on his. “Usually it’s off limits, but with you it feels…nice” he placed his hands back on the healed scars, hearing him take a deep breath. “Your hands are warm” they connected their lips again, enjoying each other's embrace. 

“I love you” he felt him touch his face, the chill of his hand felt nice on his skin. “I love you too Gale” he held him close, feeling his skin on his. He wanted more, he would love to explore all of him. Though he didn’t, because he didn’t want Astarion to think that is what he only wanted from him. He would hold out the rest of his life waiting to have sex with Astarion, especially if that meant he would feel like he was worth more than that. He would do anything to show how much he loved him. He could tell in Astarion’s eyes that he anticipated something more, but he knew why. 

He threw the cover over them, kissing his forehead. “Goodnight” he saw Astarion about to say something, but he stopped and just smiled. “Goodnight Gale” they both drifted asleep together in each other's arms. Before he feel asleep he couldn't help but to think how temporary this will be again.