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Chapter Text

Falling Apart, Barely Breathing

In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there.

Chapter 1: Bring The Pain

"You're not Derek..."

Meredith Grey slurs before she even looks up to see that the person behind her, not only is it certainly not Derek Christopher Shepherd, but it is the one person she least expected to greet her with her own name that night at the bar this very evening.

"I'm not Derek," says Addison Forbes Montgomery.

She is out of her hospital clothes again and she's dressed to the nines in those beautiful pearls that accentuate her curves in her long black dress that always makes Addison seem to Meredith even more formidable than she already was in the first place.

"Where IS Derek?"

Meredith insists and she's sure she's about lost it now because if Derek didn't come to meet her at the bar then surely he'd be at home with his wife, right and so surely his wife wouldn't be - shouldn't be- standing right behind her in this godforsaken place without her godforsaken husband or ex-husband or whoever he was to her - to him - to whomever.

"He's not coming," Addison says flatly.

And the compassion in Addison's voice is carrying over into her speech now and it's making Meredith even more confused. Why on earth would Addison be standing right behind her, sounding sad about being alone? Why is she here without Derek on this disgustingly rainy evening - when she could be holed up in that trailer of his in his arms or something sickly domestic and refined like what real married people with real jobs and real lives do.

"How did you even know he was supposed to be coming?" Meredith asks and she's not entirely sure why Doctor Montgomery-Shepherd is still answering the long list of questions because it's not like she's ever cared to answer any of Meredith Grey's questions before.

"He told me," Addison says simply as if that says it all.

And the weight of Addison's words sinks into Meredith's bones as she's just about realized that that means that Doctor Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd has heard a Derek Shepherd impersonation of Meredith Grey's voice pleading to him to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" and that he's shared that with the very last person on earth that she'd want to hear those words that had come out of her mouth.

"Oh god just bring the pain already just pile it all on top of itself," Meredith says frustratedly.

"He told me he wasn't sure whether or not he was going to pick you or me, in the end. And before Derek could ever decide, I decided to decide and I decided to end it all for both of us. I left him. For good." Addison says sadly and now Meredith Grey is absolutely sure she can hear the compassion creeping into Addison's words.

And she's so sure that Addison's voice is going to break if Meredith makes her keep talking again.

And so Meredith doesn't.

Instead, Meredith slides her purse and her coat off of the barstool and gestures to the other doctor.

And as she looks up into Addison's eyes for the first time she has that evening, she offers for her, to sit-

And Addison does.

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*****END OF CHAPTER 1

Author's Note:

At its inception, "Falling Apart, Barely Breathing," was written one chapter a day, from April 1st through April 30th, 2020. Subsequently, the first 40 chapters were finished in a total of 42 days. Since then, it's updates have been sporadic but always up and coming, in general. I'd like to thank everyone who has taken the time to read this work so far; it's the closest thing I'll probably ever come to a 'masterwork,' and all of the encouragement along the way has been magical. Take care, and have a great one! With love,

bobbiejelly

Chapter Text

Chapter 2: Into You Like A Train

"How do you know he's not coming?" Meredith asks Addison again. "I know you said he told you but what did he say about why?" Meredith clarifies and Addison clears her throat to answer.

"He said he had to take some time to think and figure things out," Addison said. "He said he'd been looking for me all day. I said he'd finally found me. I asked him if he was going to sign the divorce papers or not. And then he told me what you said. And then he cried a little. And then he drank a whole lot. And finally, he said he'd sign our divorce papers if he had our lawyers talk to each other and if he'd had a little less to drink already" Addison continued.

"Scotch," Meredith says simply. "Scotch," says Addison sadly. "Coming right up," says the bartender and Meredith's too weak to make a big deal of his misunderstanding so Addison waves her hand over the bar to be clear that when she and Meredith had said "Scotch." together that it wasn't because they'd wanted one it was because they're Doctor Shepherd's favorite drink that he was drunk off of right now, probably and that neither of them is his greatest fan for the moment.

It occurs to Meredith then that it's possible that Addison was only lying to her when she said that Derek wasn't coming and that maybe he actually was and she knew that and Addison just didn't want to see him score.

But when Meredith looks up at Addison's scared expression again,

Somehow she knows that no matter what she has ever thought or used to think-

About Addison Montgomery-Shepherd;

That she isn't a liar.

Addison isn't lying to her tonight, about this, at least.

And the realization washes over Meredith then as she starts to feel sorry for Addison.

For having come out to Joes, having come out to her all the way here.

Just to tell her that one sentence, that she is 'not Derek.'

And that 'Derek isn't coming'. 

That 'Derek isn't coming' back. For either of them. 

"I'll take the tequila instead" Meredith insists in a rough and low voice as she nods as if to thank Addison for speaking up for them and then she adds "and add one to my tab for her, too, please" before gesturing towards Addison's surprised sort of half-smile and binging the plate of pretzels closer to where they'd been sitting.

"So." Meredith starts. "So." Mirrors Addison back at her.

"So why didn't you let Derek pick me or choose you or love either one of us?" asks Meredith in a questioning tone. But as if she's genuinely curious and not as if she's angry she didn't give Derek a chance to consider her as an option. Or to consider HER as an option...?

"Because he didn't deserve to," Addison answers almost immediately.

"He doesn't deserve the love that either of us had to offer him" she finishes her sentence honestly.

And Meredith doesn't answer back immediately as Addison had, she sort of stares right back at her as if she's rolling the words inside of her mind and she's trying to spin them into a way that they make sense to her.

"But how the hell do you know what kind of love I deserve?" Meredith asks of Addison finally. As if she REALLY wants to know.

"Meredith, I think we accept the love we think we deserve," Addison says softly.

And she's looking her right in the eye but the cloudy look in those pale green eyes tells Meredith that she's somewhere else entirely.

And then Meredith realizes that in saying that to her that Addison is also saying that phrase about herself, and it stops her in her tracks for a second.

And for some unreasonable reason, it makes her want to reach out and lay her hands on top of Addison's hands and give them a reassuring squeeze. But she doesn't. She continues with what she was going to say anyway.

"Hell, you hardly know me. " Meredith says even more desperately. She feels like she's shouting even though she's hardly speaking above a whisper.

"You met me after flying in from New York to tell me that I'm the woman who's been screwing your husband and you barely have spoken a word to me except to tell me that you don't want someone who doesn't love you but if there's the slightest chance that Derek does that you're not leaving Seattle," Meredith says all of that in one breath.

Addison sighs at that one. That hadn't been one of her finest moments in Seattle, so to speak.

"How have you not left Seattle then if he doesn't love you no more" now Meredith has started to slur her words a little more than the last time.

"He still has to sign the divorce papers and so do I" Addison answers curtly before she looks up into Meredith's eyes and she realizes that that in no way suffices as an answer.

"Besides," Addison continues. "I see no reason not to enjoy one of my last few free nights in Seattle before I go," she says in a sort of sad but hopeful tone and Meredith thinks that the glint of 'almost optimistic and hopeful' tearing through Addison's tearful tone might just be even sadder than the just plain regular sad Addison Montgomery-Shepherd voice she's gotten to know so well over the past couple of hours.

Addison looks down as she reaches her right hand to her left hand as a habit to worry a set of rings on her finger that aren't there anymore and for some reason, Meredith doesn't take the comfort in the motion that her situation would suggest she might have.

"Well enjoy the rain while you can" Meredith stirs as she finally looks up and answers Addison with a sigh. "In Seattle when it rains, it pours" she sighs again sharply as if she were speaking metaphorically now about the both of their sad sad lifestyle that's caused for them to wait out here like some blithering idiots for someone who is clearly not coming despite what their stupid blind and darling hopes might say.

"I was into that man like a train" Meredith tries to explain. "Like it was going at full speed and I just wanted to ride it so badly that I just walked right in front of it and impaled in a gazillion places" she tries to conjure up an image but seems to be failing spectacularly at the metaphors at the moment.

"See, you saying that you wanted to ride my husband so badly would have sounded kinda dirty if you didn't just go on to say that being with him felt a bit like you're being hit by a semi afterward" Addison chuckles at her.

"Well, it seems like at least someone is getting something out of my misery at least it's my sense of humor" Meredith sighs.

"So why are you here alone anyway?" Addison asks Meredith.

"I could ask you the same" Meredith reacts right back.

"But you have your best friends here, why aren't they here forgetting all of the terrible trials that have happened to them too?" Addison inquires sincerely.

"Well my friends started here until I sent them away with how pathetic I was being and I think they're at Seattle Grace now trolling for cool surgeries. And I'm too drunk to join them" Meredith speaks up. "Still I don't blame them there are sometimes cool cases that come in this late at night" Meredith continues.

"Sure there are and sometimes there aren't and I guess it's all luck is the name of the game," Addison says wisely.

"So why are you out here all alone anyway?" Meredith asks again as if she's suddenly remembered she hasn't gotten an answer out of Addison yet.

"Well unlike you I don't really have any friends here in Seattle," says Addison. "I came out here to get Derek back and I have all of my other friends in New York so really right now all I have for friends is the alcohol," Addison says, and as she says it she realizes how pathetic it must all sound. "And I think I might be drunk also," Addison adds as well.

"So you have no one to drink with you," Meredith asks.

"So I have no one to drink with me," Addison answered.

"So you're drinking with me," Meredith asks another question.

"Yes, so I'm drinking with you" Addison answers again but without all the bitterness that either of them would expect to come out of Addison's mouth after all of that alcohol in her system has lifted her inhibitions.

"Well cheers to the I slept with Derek and now life sucks club" Meredith raises her glass as if it were a nod.

"Cheers to another" Addison raises her glass in return and nods back.

Somewhere along in the bitterness Meredith might have expected Addison to chew her out or to demean her for all the damage she's done to her marriage, or for Meredith to chew Addison out or to demean her for cheating on Derek with Mark or for telling her she shouldn't go back to him right away.

But Addison doesn't. And Meredith doesn't. And neither of them wants to try to even go there now.

So instead they just sit together, feeling all alone in the Emerald City Bar as they stir their drinks with their straws and let the sharp bite of the ice cubes feel cool upon their weary lips.

And for some inexplicable reason Meredith and Addison each feel somehow soothed by the solemn grace that is their current and unlikely companionship.

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***** END OF CHAPTER 2

Chapter Text

Chapter 3: Something to Talk About

“Just so you know ladies it’s the last call so if you want anything more to drink then ask me now, and after three-thirty, we close the bar so you’d best be calling yourself a cab by then so you’re not stuck outside in the rain,” Joe says softly as he’s sympathetic to both women’s plight.

“Do you want another?” Addison offers to Meredith. “I think I owe you one” She answers her own question and Addison motions for Joe for one last refill for both Meredith and herself. 

“You know this has been kind of nice” Meredith admits to Addison in her drunk and weary state. “You’re really not as bad as I wish you were” she sighs and Addison smiles softly at that and doesn’t press her to tell anything more about that.

“You’re not too terrible yourself” Addison sighs to herself. “Normally I don’t do my drinking with interns but normally I don't drink myself under the table either,” she says. 

“You’re getting a divorce,” Meredith says emphatically. “You’re allowed to drink yourself under the table for days if you want to,” she offers.

“I don’t think I want to drink myself under the table for days” Addison answers Meredith sympathetically. 

“The first time I was drunk for an entire two weeks the first time my mother didn’t remember me” Meredith sighs. 

“I’m sorry,” says Addison simply.

“Doctor Ellis Grey was not an easy woman,” says Meredith. “She was tough on everybody. Wanted them to only be ordinary so she could be extraordinary’ she says, or at least that’s the way it felt to me, being her daughter and all” Meredith concludes.

“My mother was not an easy woman either” Addison replies as she realizes she hasn’t really told many people that ever. “Bizzy Forbes,” Addison begins and Meredith is trying to wrap her head around whether or not she’s heard that name but she can’t place it right now. “She had the highest standards for our family as well. She would never let us cry in front of other people and she would never want us to cry outside of our rooms” she sighed. “And I guess I’ve picked up on that habit,” Addison says with a humph.

“Well I guess somehow we do have something to talk about,” says Meredith weakly.

“I guess we do,” says Addison, sounding sort of surprised at herself.

Meredith takes another gulp of her tequila now, not bothering to nurse the drink in tiny sips as Addison had been.

“Thank you for letting me know that I'm not a total washout for wasting all my time here staring at nothing as my name changes from Doctor Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd to Doctor Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery-Nothing” Addison sighs.

“Jesus, Addison! If I had a name that was that long I swear I’d be jumping for joy if I were losing the one at the end of it” Meredith exclaims before she can think better of saying something as absurd as what she just did say.

“Well you see my parents they wanted to hyphenate but then they never added the hyphen and the Adrienne part is only my middle name and most people don’t ever say that one out loud anyways and the Shepherd part was for Derek because we wanted to be all grown up and cool when we married and the Addison part is just for my first name” she explains. 

And Meredith swears she starts laughing alongside Addison because if that’s not the longest explanation she’s ever heard for an even longer name then she’s not sure she’ll be able to keep breathing if she hears about Addison’s drunken explanation about a deeper meaning of the “Forbes” and the “Montgomery” parts.

The laughing vibrates deep into their chests now and if there had been a ten-tonne stack of bricks that had hit them over the head earlier at least now it might feel like at least a few of them had been lifted up and away. 

As the laughter drifted off at its natural end, some of the sadness returned to their faces but not every once of it. 

Addison notices that the frown that had been working its way in Meredith’s forehead has been lessened. Meredith notices that the weary look in Addison’s eyes is no longer as worried as before.

When the frown returns in its full form Addison asks her right away, “Meredith what’s wrong” she says in the way a concerned friend might ask her.

“My friends are all going to ask if he came back to me the moment I walked through my front door” Meredith answers. “Unless they’ve gotten some super cool surgery which I think that they have not because neither of us has been paged then they’re going to be back at my house watching surgical tapes of my mother while waiting for me to come home and to tell them my McDreamy is my McDreamy again and I just -” Meredith’s voice breaks. 

“I just can't, ” Meredith concludes and Addison can tell that she really truly means it. 

“Hmm, I guess if it were me and I had to walk into a party at my own place right now either at the Hamptons or at the Brownstone then I guess I wouldn't be super thrilled about that one either” Addison offers.

“I just wish all the McDreamy talk and the Derek talk would just all wash away” Meredith sighs.”How did you let it all wash away?” Meredith says wistfully.

“I mean here you had my McDreamy and you walked in here all McHot - all leggy and fabulous and annoyingly kind and painfully smart and you’re really not easy to hate, you know! You save  babies. You saved my best friend. Hell, You’re even helping me, here; listening to all of my stupid McProblems with all the stupid McBoys and their stupid boy penises and I know you've got a lot going on right now - But I have to warn you that I’m very well aware that I’m a vapid narcissist when I’m drunk” Meredith rants.

“We’re over, Meredith” Addison confirms because apparently she has to again and she gestures to her blank ring finger so Meredith knows that she’s referring to herself and Derek.

“Yeah yeah you’re over and yada yada yada but here I am having to be comforted by you when I’m the one who so stupidly thought that this beautiful man could be in love with me and then that McBastard was McMarried and now I think I’m going to McVomit” Meredith yelps because that last one was not a euphemism at all.

“Ok, ok, ok” Addison rushes as she guides Meredith by a hand wrapped around her shoulders to the bathroom where she holds her hair as Meredith gets sick as Addison wraps her hair into a ponytail to keep it away from her face as rubs soothing circles around her back. 

“Ughhh,” Meredith says as she collapses on the bottom of the floor and she leans against the stall of the dirty bar bathroom with her eyes squeezed shut and a tear running down her face. 

“I hate this day,” Meredith says.

“I hate this day too,” Addison says.

And Addison props herself against the bar bathroom stall door and she keeps on rubbing the younger woman’s back as she wraps her arm around her bony shoulders.

“I’m lonely, I'm really fucking lonely,” Meredith says and it rips a tear all through Addison’s chest.

“I’m really fucking lonely, too,” Addison also says as she sighs and it makes Meredith want to soothe her worried look.

They sit there for a moment and they both independently consider becoming like, friends or “whatever” but then they think more of it and so they don’t say anything more. 

Wordlessly, Meredith picks herself off of her place on the floor and she begins to rinse out her mouth and wash her hands at the sink.

She’s looking into the mirror now and trying her damndest to make herself look like Meredith and Addison looks at Meredith in the mirror from where she’s now standing between the stall doors.

“You look okay, Grey” Addison offers and she can see how Meredith is smiling just a little bit back at her through the mirror. Meredith mulls these words over as she smoothes out her lipstick again. “Thanks” Meredith replies in a way that Addison knows she’s not just talking about the compliment, she’s talking about the evening and the hair holding and all of it.

“You look not too bad yourself Montgomery, for what it’s worth” Meredith offers back. She’s not so sure why she just called her ‘Montgomery’ but calling her “Doctor Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery-Nothing” right now just seemed like way too much of a chore and she wasn’t exactly on a first-name basis with her at all either. She wants somehow to call her simply “Addison” as her life depends on it but she knows that that’s not really on the table right now.

Addison takes it though without a deeper meaning to the use of her own last name at all. And now she’s just muttering a muted “Thanks” while she’s looking down at her shoes and sighing. 

Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery -  hiding behind the bad lighting inside of Joe’s bar bathroom and behind her shiny veneer of being almighty and formidable while she’s blushing a bit internally at Meredith Grey’s compliment - and she just can’t for the life of her figure out why... Yet. 

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*****END OF CHAPTER 3

Chapter Text

Chapter 4: Let It Be

When the pair of them finally emerge from the washroom again they see the bar has been vacated and that the only people that are still there are Joe and his boyfriend Walter. Joe has just called Addison and Meredith a cab as he signals to Addison as he explains to her that the taxi company said it was “15 minutes out” that was approximately ten minutes ago. 

When Meredith asks him why he’s called just the one cab he says simply that “they're all backed up”. He says to her simply as Joe looks and nods only at Addison over the top of Meredith’s shoulder and he gives the older woman what can only be described as a pleading and significant look as he’s glancing his eyes back from Addison down to Meredith then back up to her again.

Nodding at him Addison asserts to her that the cab can drop Meredith off first at her house because it’s on the way to her’s anyhow and Meredith goes along with it all anyway.

And Addison is relieved to realize that Meredith is far too out of her mind right now to realize that Addison has no real idea where Meredith’s house even is as related to “her place” and why the hell on earth would she. 

And that Addison has never had any place in Seattle to call hers much more less now than ever before. 

And that the hotel that she’d planned on staying at after the evening's events is over the overpass in the opposite direction to Meredith's house so it wasn’t at all a shortcut much less a simplicity which she would soon find out as she rode there alone.

But Meredith takes it all in at face value anyways and she tugs up at Addison’s sleeve when she sees the cab finally appear so she’s leading the other woman to the taxi where they both tumble into the backseat together and Meredith needs help buckling her seatbelt before Addison supports her neck next to her so she doesn’t get whiplash at ever streetlight that they stop at on the drive over.

“Keys” ' Addison asks for as she unbuckles Meredith from the car after she’s left her seat and Meredith fumbles through her purse until she’s slipped out the right ones into the Attending’s hand.

Addison half-stumbles-with-half-carries the younger woman to her doorstep where she inserts three keys before she figures out which one is for the main door and not the back door or the basement and she’s holding the door open so Meredith can drag her feet in behind her up over the awning.

“Help me” Meredith glances with her eyes as she struggles to take a single step without the support of Addison’s hands around her waist so Addison enters the into the house even more along with her and she holds Meredith’s hands to her shoulders so she won’t fall as she unties Meredith’s shoes and slips them off of her feet before shrugging off own her heels onto the doormat with a thump. 

Before Addison enters the house fully and she shuts the door behind her silently she glances her eyes around to see if she can sense any traces of Meredith’s roommates roaming about the hallways or between their rooms or around with one another. 

But all they can hear is dead silence and the birds that chirp slowly outside of Meredith’s kitchen window on occasion as they tiptoe through the ten-tonne mass of movie boxes and kitchen sets that Meredith has never moved inches since the day she signed over the house to herself.

When Addison steps too fast into her and Meredith knocks over a potted plant by the kitchen with her elbow accidentally she just shrugs it all off and says “let it be, let it be” to Addison simply before she beckons for her please to ignore the potted plant where it fell and to keep helping her through the kitchen so that she can be back into bed before morning comes again.

“And where exactly is your bedroom, Meredith?” Addison asks her as Meredith drunkenly realizes that Addison would never have any reason on earth to know that from her automatically as she answers “upstairs” before bringing her purse to the table in the entranceway. 

“Watch your step here” Addison guides her as if she knew that any more than Meredith now as they both make their way steadily up the staircase towards the first door on the right which is the only room with the door that is unopened. 

“They’re all super sounds sleepers” Meredith reassures Addison who she can feel from the careful questions would not want the others to know that she’s been here the night before and so Addison nods as she assists Meredith in reaching her room and falling onto her mattress in heap with all of her clothing still attached on to her. 

“Do you want me to-” Addison is not so sure how she should finish such a sentence as she stands dumbly up at her in the doorway because the only other times ever that she’s asked anyone if they’d wanted her to help them undress themselves have all been sexual experiences and this moment between Meredith and herself was most certainly not becoming a sexual experience of any nature or any kind on that night. 

“Need your help to tuck me under the covers,” Meredith says sweetly as she struggles to get the blankets to cover her but is currently only succeeding in making them move over a half of her body in one way or another and Addison is relieved when she has realized that in no way has Meredith seen her stutter or stare up blankly before she had answered her question.

“You’re not going to change?” Addison asks as she’s concerned that some raindrops have fallen on Meredith’s head and she wonders if Meredith will catch a cold if she stays in her sweaters and jeans all night after she’s already been in them all day. 

“Need sleep now, sleeeeepy sleep” Meredith slurs so she knows that she’s far too far gone to notice now anyhow and Addison secretly finds it adorable how rambly she can get when she’s wasted.

And so Addison stays just so she can tuck the girl in as she pulls over the sheet trying not to tickle Meredith’s toes and she tugs over the throw blanket so it covers all of Meredith’s feet and her calves. And then she lifts up the duvet all the way up to Meredith’s head before Meredith pokes it out to say “peekaboo” and Addison almost loses it laughing before stopping and realizing that the both of them laughing was making them both now be way too loud. 

“Peekaboo you now young Meredith Grey now you get yourself some sleep it’s been quite the long day for us both hasn’t it, huh,” Addison says with her most concerned doctor voice as she clicks her tongue and Meredith grins up at her, eyelids growing heavy and falling further and further until she can no longer keep her eyes open. 

“Thanks-” Meredith tries to say more but she’s snoring already and Addison takes this as her cue to shut the lights off to Meredith’s room and to close the bedroom door behind her as she leaves. 

Addison ignores Meredith’s earlier orders to leave the potted plant alone because she can’t stand that the plant will probably wilt on its own if left sideways so she straightens the roots out back into its shell and she rights it right onto the table it had taken to before tending to it with some water and with the wear of her hands.

She settles Meredith’s coat onto the coat rack even though none of the others have hung theirs there and she silently slips back into the kitchen again so she can wash out her hands before she spies a half-empty bottle of aspirin back under the counter she stores in her hand while she searches for a piece of spare paper and a spare glass for water as well as a pen.

Addison then realizes that she doesn’t want to leave the house door wide open behind her all after she’s gone and she’s not going to be crawling through any backdoor windows at this time of night and besides of which Meredith has at least her two housemates and that they’ll see each other soon in the hospital anyway.

So she leaves Meredith a note which she doesn’t sign a name to. And she slips the house key off of Meredith’s car key keychain before twisting it to hers where it snaps now it’s securely shut. And she’s securing the door lock to Meredith’s mother’s house and she is testing it behind her before calling herself another cab and feeling even more empty than before as she stumbles into her hotel room alone at the Archfield. 

And Addison is sad as she’s thinking she’s got no one to tuck her in tonight and to leave her a note on her kitchen table to say that she should take the two of the aspirin she’s poured out from the bottle when she wakes up along with a tall glass of water she’s poured into the glass from the sink. She won’t find out also that she’ll have her key back soon enough too; and that it was not stolen - (she borrowed it) and that it was simply borrowed for a short time- borrowed because she just didn't want to leave them all unknowingly alone in the house that was unsecured all throughout the night altogether. 

And Addison is sad because she’s thinking she’s got no one to hold her or to tell her they’re sorry or to tell her that she’s still desirable and that they’ll stay for them as long as they need for her to feel happy again. 

And Addison is sad because she’s thinking she’ll maybe never ever find love for herself ever, ever again and she’s given her lovers away like she’s given away sharp and broken bottle pieces of her sliced up soul.

And Addison finally finds herself crying herself to sleep for the second night in a row since she’s sure as hell not thinking that Grey girl can’t even know how happy she’s got it with her friends falling around her and for even her own generosity in ensuring that she’s safe and sound through the very worst night of her young life, so far.

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Chapter Text

Chapter 5: Thanks for the Memories

When Meredith wakes up she can hardly see before she blinks at least seven times and she struggles to free herself from the swaddle of her blankets that have all been bunched tightly up against her body like a cacoon. 

She thinks nothing of it before making a beeline to the bathroom to throw up again as she looks at herself in the mirror at her body barely supporting herself still in yesterday’s clothes as she sighs and she pads her way downstairs to see her potted plant sitting sideways on the kitchen counter slightly to the left of where she remembered she’d planted it just a few mornings ago. 

Meredith makes her way over to to the counter where she finds a scrawled note reading 

“Meredith, take these two aspirins along with the whole glass of water before going to work in the morning. Your key is not stolen, it was borrowed so that the door could be locked behind you on your way in last night. You’ll get it back soon. Thanks for the Memories. Best Wishes.”

Meredith reads the note over at least six or seven times before realizing that it had no name affixed to the bottom of it nor any signatures or particular markings left over on the reverse of it either. 

Whoever the mystery man who had helped her settle in last night was, well she wishes she could remember an ounce of it because obviously he would have been a keeper if she hadn't been blackout drunk on him because clearly she could see that he was the definition of a gentleman.

She squints so she can see the words that were hidden by a strikethrough as and she smiles to herself wondering what the hell “thanks for the memories” could even possibly mean, and that if it were possible that they were good memories anyways why would the mystery man of Seattle not want her to know in return these nice memories of her?

Because this mystery man clearly knew her first name and just how to spell it so she had to have had some special sort of bonding time with him last night at the bar right? 

She couldn’t remember anything past her first tequila shooter from the night before now and she’s not even sure that she hadn’t slept with anyone either.

She decides that she didn’t think that she did sleep with anyone at all the night before because she was still perfectly dressed in her yesterday clothes when she had woken up this morning and she still had on the same bra and underwear as she had been wearing since she had put on a day ago. 

And if she had slept with someone the night before now then she’d probably have taken her pants off at some point and she wouldn’t have wanted to wear the exact same thing tucked into bed like she was if she’d had already had sex and she was getting dressed up for bed after she’d had all that tequila. She decides that if she was too drunk to remember she was too drunk to put on the same panties, pants, and her bra and to have snapped her bra shut before she put on that same sweater again.

She’s tortured now even more dark and twisty than usual because for Meredith Grey, the most queen of the mysteries she finds that the not knowing is honestly and truly the worst feeling in the world.

Despite this, Meredith follows the instructions and she puts the note into her pocket before any of her best intern friends could find out because heaven knows now that the last thing she needed or wanted would be for rumors to be flying that she had a secret lover somewhere out there in Seattle who knew where they all lived and who still had a key to theirs and her mother’s old house. 

She didn’t want to scare them off from seeing her as a person rather than as a serious whore so she shrugs it all off saying to herself that this isn't exactly her first night not knowing who what when where she was doing the night before. 

So she picks herself out some light fruit to munch on to wash down with her diet drink as she got herself out of her sweater and her jeans and she put on a new pair to call way up to Izzie and George and whoever happened to be there that she was “going into work early so she could see the charts” before they could and she looked around left and right before she spied her coat on the coatrack - the last place on earth she’d ever look for it and she slipped it on top of her shoulders before she slipped out the door. 

Seattle Grace Hospital has some of the very best vending machines in town is what Addison has decided as she strolls through the hospital like a ghost. She selects her favorite potato chips and she’s deciding between two different chocolate bars before she orders them both plus candy and she’s reaching down to get all her snacks from the mouth of the vending machine along with her change. 

She’s struggling to see how she could have handled herself better after her encounter at Meredith’s house last night and she suddenly seems a little bit insecure about her reactions. Was she being overly protective and motherly insisting Meredith take two aspirin before she has breakfast?

Was she being overly paranoid when she locked Meredith’s door behind her, stealing her key in the process because she just moved to Seattle so she didn’t know whether or not she should take it or leave it? Was she becoming a crazy person for even caring at all what was happening with Meredith Grey - the blonde intern who whisked her soon-to-be ex-husband off of his feet and seduced him into sleeping with her since she’d stayed in Manhattan?

Addison is munching all alone in her office trying to tie her hair back into a high ponytail still so lost, so lost in her thoughts, while she’s being paged 9-1-1 to the Emergency room and she runs off with a huff leaving crumbs and candy and chocolate lining the floor as she knocks over some of her boxes in her hurry.

“Over here” someone calls to her as she tries to prepare herself, hearing a caller on someone’s cell phone saying “we’ fine, some redneck tried to outrun the train…” in a thick thick accent before she stumbles upon the case that will keep all of the Attendings extremely occupied for the remainder of the morning well into the evening.

The patients were named Bonnie and Tom and they had never met either before being both impaled at the same time by a pole.

They were joined now together, cut out as a set by the firefighters before they rode in on an ambulance and had their c-collars strapped onto them and their IV bags hooked up to their arms. 

It took a whole crew to transport them as they made their way up to CT and they needed all the help they could get to see what they could do for these two.

“Normally Amanda would be a tad upset to see me pressed-up another woman,” the man Tom says as he explains that he is in fact not this woman’s husband. “But I think for this time i’ll get a pass” he finishes his joke and it sends soothing shivers through Addison’s spine as she sees that the blonde-haired woman bonnie she’s laughing along too and telling the man Tom how nice pores that he has as they waltz right on past anyone left in the line right on into the room where they could get scanned at CT.

Addison wished she had another resident on the case before Burke, Derek, Bailey, and Richard would inevitably be paged in and for all the superior surgical skill they each and all possessed together she wasn’t so sure she wanted all of that intellect to be thrust into her face just right about now.

Somehow she wonders just how the young Doctor Grey had fared after their fighting steps taken to get that drunken girl back into bed the other night and she hopes to high heavens she had taken those aspirins because hell if she needed hers when she had gone out to the drug store to get some before she showed up all thirsty and starving her head empty before showing up to her shift and changing into her salmon-covered scrubs she long hated and loved.

She sighed as she left her thoughts drift to the young intern and back as she remembered tucking the tail of blonde hair behind Meredith’s back before she told her goodnight and sighed as she remembered that it was not Derek but Mark who had once done the same for her.

Cristina finds the note crumpled up inside Meredith’s coat pocket and she reads it all over without saying a word before Meredith crumples it all up again and throws it in a ball in the trash can. 

“There will be absolutely no mystery man hunting behind my back or on my watch do you hear me Cristina” Meredith whispers but bellows as she storms out of the room. And Cristina covertly slips the note up into her hand again before tucking it securely into her breast pocket before shoving some other newspapers into the trash can behind her for good measure.

“But what about the missing Meredith key to your house” Cristina whispers into Meredith’s ear as she walks along with her to take the train crash crew back to the trauma room.

“If he didn’t take anything last night when I passed out then I don’t know why we should be worried about him doing anything while we’re all still awake” Meredith hushes to her as they roll them quickly and evenly through the maze of the hospital. 

“If you say so you’re the one who once knew him so you better be sure,” says Cristina with a raised eyebrow at her.

“Cristina I’m sure” Meredith reassures. “He said thank you for the memories and then he crossed it out so he had a good time. 

So we do not tell our friends and I hope he doesn’t tell his friends what he found meaning me and I’m sure that he will return me my key like he said that he would and then we can forget all of this happened with my ‘mystery man’ and we can still keep my dignity about being blackout drunk at a bar due to Derek on the down-low so I can stop being the bloody rumor mill beacon and can just be still stupidly sad that that god damned Derek never bothered to even give a damn and show up or try to call when I told him to pick me last night” Meredith says with a snap.

When she snaps that’s when Cristina knows when to back off and she’s sure now that Meredith is brought back to her senses because she’s mentioned McDreamy again and after all, mystery man or no, isn’t that who all of this was always going to be about in the first place?

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***** END OF CHAPTER 5

Chapter Text

Chapter 6: Much Too Much

“Derek, we need to get a divorce. Now.” Addison insists to her soon to be ex-husband as he sits down looking at her distractedly, clearly thinking more about their train wreck patients or god knows what but whatever it was it wasn’t their divorce papers. 

“Addie we can’t sign them now just like that we need the lawyers to look at them with us and to witness them anyways” Derek counters right back to her. “Don’t you even want to try counseling Addison, we would seriously try counseling” Derek tries to suggest to her.

And isn’t it fitting that the divorcing couple can’t even get together to divorce each other because they still can’t stop fighting over every single petty detail as they derail all their conversations?

“So you’re saying we can’t even decide to get a divorce Derek really? Is that what we’re saying?” Asks Addison as she begins to scream. “And don’t even think about calling me Addie anymore. You lost that right ages ago when you walked out after letting me soak in the rain. No counseling session on earth will ever forgive what you did” Addison stomps out her feet now. 

“Divorce isn’t the life or death decision that needs to be made right now Addison” Derek is shouting right back at her now. “We’ll reschedule the signing of the papers for later, you already shoved your wedding ring back into my palm last night and we can talk about all of the rest of it when there’s not literally two dying people waiting for us to give them their answers” Derek screams out at her. 

“Don’t you think this is much too much Derek screaming at each other in an exam room about how much we can’t stand to stay married to each other” screams Addison

“This is much too much for me too to have to fight with you even to talk about Derek agrees.

“I’m still calling you my ex-husband to anyone who asks” Addison insists. 

“Done you’re my ex-wife then Addison” Derek storms at her back.

And she’s the first one to make a move towards the door but Derek’s already pushed past her through the door frame before she’s even taken a single step towards leaving the room.

“Some would say that because he’s more stable so we should move him” Derek advises. “She’s got more serious injuries so we should give her the best shot that we can,” he says softly. 

They’re still in the scan room trying to figure out who they should extract first when Addison starts to feel the weariness of the nearly sleepless night to catch up to her so she’s staying quiet.

“She’s certainly a long shot,” Burke says. “It’s hard to tell now whether or not her sick heart can take it,” he adds.

“We still have a shot at seeing him through if we save her” Doctor Bailey adds to the discussion. “Hell he’ll hurt like high heavens for harder but if he’s strong enough he can take it” she tries. 

“I can’t tell you what to do, it's not only my call” weighs Richard. “So I say we do what we do before we can’t do anymore, I say we have to settle this someway somehow,” he offers. 

“We should vote” Addison speaks up for the first time since she’s started here. “We should take all of our opinions into account and then we should see to it we’ve started them into the O.R here as soon as we can,” she says wisely. 

All the attendings plus Bailey agree so she passes them each a pen and paper and they pepper their ballots with either a Bonnie or a Tom before letting them fall into a spare scrub cab to be turned over by Derek and Addison the one at a time. 

“Bonnie” Addison recognizes her ex-husband’s handwriting as she pulls it out of the pile, being careful not to look up at him so everybody would know how he voted.

“Bonnie” Derek recognizes his ex-wife’s handwriting as he struggles not to see the clouded grey washing over his ex-wife’s green eyes as he stares up at the ceiling before down at the floor.

“Tom” Richard reads one not needing to analyze who said it before Bailey reads out:

“Tom” as she places the final slip from the pile into Preston Burke’s open hands…

And they all look up at each other silently at a standstill as Preston Burke’s lips make out the final deciding vote of moves and who’s name falls first out on the O.R board before being ushered to the ICU should they even recover long enough before being taken alive off of the operating table.

When they break the news of the Attending’s (plus Bailey’s) decision they first have to explain to them both that they have to move one of them off of the pole while the other waits and that whoever they move will have a slimmer chance of surviving than the others.

They say it isn’t fair but they've come to the best conclusion they all could and they say that it’s Bonnie they’ve chosen to stay on the pole and that it’s Tom that will have to weather the storm of having all of his insides shift down right at once while the surgeons stand right by and stabilize them. 

“But it’s not fair,” Bonnie offers. “But this is the way that it’s right,” Tom, he offers and with the look on his face he almost knows he’s a goner but that the best gift he can give her is to give her the very best shot that she can to have a better part of a life. 

“You’re being so very brave” Bonnie thanks her. “I’m being a gentleman” Tom explains that “a man should never leave a woman without the last of the lifeboats” as if they were both adrift at sea and she says that “it’s not fair either way…” as she trails off but Tom insists for the life of them that it has to be him.

“We’re going to do our damndest to save the both of you” Preston Burke offers them.

“We’ll try hard every step of the way,” Bailey adds.

“They are all a great team” Richard then reassures. 

“We are going to save him you’ll see” Addison smiles the very best she can.

“And we’re going to save her too” Derek looks at her right in the eye when he says that one right to her instead of looking at Bonnie or Tom or the others. He’s saying that one right to her and she’s realized too late after he’d left that Derek had not really been talking about trains or of Tom or of Bonnie after all.

They’re in the O.R now and Bonnie and Todd are still cracking jokes. They’re stable enough they’re still talking and they have their loved ones up on the phone to say their goodbyes just in case. But each of their husbands and wives is well on their way by now and Cristina and Meredith have each been recruited to hold up the phones to their ears while they talk and to listen for pages to say that the spouses have finally arrived.

“Amanda,” Tom says to his wife as he tries to explain the terrible things that have happened these past hours. “Take care of our loved ones. Amanda, you know I’m gonna be, I’m gonna be the man who lets others live if it's the very last thing I give with my life ” he begs her to promise as Cristina helps him go on with her nodding and the holding of his shoulder to the headphone mic. And Cristina glances a sly look at Meredith now as she smiles at the sweetness of Tom’s words to his lover.  And Meredith smiles back at her and makes a face when Cristina whispers at her “mystery man!”

“Danny,” says Bonnie. “I will love you until the end of all time. And I wish you to find the very best for the rest of your life. I know that I might always be there to be beside you but I promise you, you deserve to be loved with all of your heart. And promise me that you’ll find somebody to love you and to kiss you because you deserve to be loved for all of your life” she says trailing off. And Meredith’s heart breaks a little as she hears that last part because she wishes for the life of her that someone would ever say the same if she had gotten hit by a train. And she’s thinking back now to this mystery man and she’s wishing he could be the one to be whispering those things into her ear.  

Bonnie asks Tom if he believes in heaven and he says to her “I do” and she says that “I want to” as they have their hands holding on to each other now and they sit waiting for the surgeons to scrub in and to operate. It’s sinful scared they both are to start. Derek says that he’s going to put them to sleep when they’re ready and Addison’s heart almost breaks when Bonnie asks breathlessly if he thinks it will hurt and he says it won’t.

Addison remembers when Derek said those same words to her, way back when they were saying “I do” to each other for a whole other reason and shakes his head mouthing "I'm sorry," to Addison, sadly off her staring, when she realizes where her head has just been, his head must have been, too.

And Bonnie holds on to every single word Derek says when he tells her he’ll tell her loved ones everything and that he’d do the same for him should the time come and this time it’s Meredith who’s hurt by his words thinking he never shows up when he promises he will with the nod of his head and those McDreamy eyes and now Derek is saying “I’m sorry” for a second time silently with his lips as he looks into Meredith’s cold shoulder and he sighs as if he wishes it had all just been different.

But that it wasn’t and he didn’t do what he should have for both or for either Meredith and Addison so he vows to himself that this time will be different and that he’ll do right by his promises to go right to the end of whatever it takes to bring both Tom and Bonnie home. 

As Addison prepares Bonnie the patient with Meredith she asks cautiously to Meredith “So how was your night last night”, wanting to know how the intern felt about their interactions but not wanting to bring up anything too unwanted. 

“Well, I guess I went to the bar, met a man there” Meredith starts and Addison quirks her eyebrow at this part and says nothing. Maybe Meredith had in fact met a man at the bar before she ended up there herself so she motions for the blonde to go on.

“Then I guess he took me home but we never did anything and he never took my clothes off and tucked me into bed” Meredith explains as Addison does her very very best to stay still and to take in Meredith’s words.

She realizes then that Meredith Grey has absolutely no idea whatsoever what had been talked about, or what had happened or how she helped her into bed the night before because Meredith must have been blackout drunk since before she even sat down next to her. 

“I don’t really remember anything at all about that night or how I got home even” Meredith mirrors Addison’s realizations back to her. 

“The only reason why I know is that he left a note in my kitchen to tell me to take two aspirin and that he would bring me back my key before long,” Meredith concludes finally. “Don’t say anything about the spare key. I'm not worried or anything” Meredith covers quickly and Addison nods.

And it takes all of Addison’s strength not to come clean and tell her that it was her heavy hand that had written the curves and the loops on the “M” of her name on that note. 

“Doctor Montgomery-Shepherd, please. Please don't tell Derek or anyone else. Not about the bar, not about the note, not about the mystery man just please don’t tell Derek about anything to do with me” Meredith practically begs. 

And Addison’s heart breaks even more when she comes to the conclusion that despite all the hell she put her through that Meredith might still want him to like her and that she’d want her not to interfere with her McDreamy lifestyle. 

“Don’t worry about anything Doctor Grey,” Addison says too sweetly to be true. “I promise I swear to you now that I will not tell my ex-husband or anyone else about any of this” Addison motions in a circle to make Meredith understand. 

“Wait, your ex-husband?” Meredith asks with a quirk of her eyebrow.

“We’re getting a divorce” Addison sighs as she tells this to Meredith again. 

“Oh Addison I’m sorry,” Meredith says rather sincerely and it cracks Addison in two that Meredith is still comforting her. Because it seems just so cruel for the girlfriend to comfort the wife when she could have been anything but understanding and all but leaping into Derek Shepherd's loving arms right now.

“So how was your night Doctor Montgomery-, Doctor Montgomery-I-Guess-Nothing...” Meredith asks at her without looking up - like she was just trying so damn hard to be polite to her Attending. 

Addison thinks about sharing some more of what happens. She considers telling the truth about telling Meredith how she was kind to her, how Meredith made her feel slightly less lonely. 

How drunk and tired Meredith had been, how she’d been so violently sick. How she had admonished her ex-husband with her and how she could hardly stand to stumble home without her support. 

She thinks about it for a split second but she thinks no good would ever come of it. She doesn’t want a stupid intern to worship her and she doesn’t need to be called a hero by her ex-wife or anyone else. 

She doesn’t need credit or pity or compassion. She doesn’t need the absolution of her doubt that she did all the right things. She just needs her divorce to settle so she could be well on her way.

And so that maybe, just maybe she could find herself some peace again. So she doesn’t tell Meredith anything more than she knows. 

So instead Addison simply lies while looking at her straight to her face. 

“It was quiet. Went home early. Nothing exciting.” Addison deadpans.

“Oh,” Is all that Meredith could come up with in response to her answer.

“Now get back to work,” Addison orders Meredith to stop sitting around next to her on top of the O.R stool.

And Meredith does. 

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***** END OF CHAPTER 6

Chapter Text

Chapter 7: Owner of a Lonely Heart

By now, even Addison notices the talking. The talking, mostly among the interns although the Attendings are no exception to this rule either. The talk about her being an adulteress bitch and for having cheated on the stupidly “perfect” McDreamy. Like they knew anything at all about him.

And as much as Addison despises everyone for talking behind her back about her, she hates them even more for talking behind their backs about Meredith. Because this is the last thing the intern deserves after having been sick as a dog in a dirty bar bathroom. They look at both of them as if they were an exhibit - like an exotic bird or a panda at the zoo. 

And though Meredith’s so-called friends say they should really do something about it they don’t. And instead, they participate in the sport all the while claiming they are her friends. She even caught the tail end of one of them saying “not to tell Meredith because that panda at the zoo exhibit probably died alone”. 

And that is IT for Addison. That is all the hell she can take. So she storms over to all of the interns that are gathering by the nurses' station and she knocks their goddamned charts right out of their goddamned hands as she yells at them to “GO BE A FUCKING DOCTOR YOU PEOPLE” before she moves to turn on her coattails and to storm away, seething.

That is until she looks down from the stunned interns and she spies a crumpled paper that looks familiar next to Cristina Yang’s foot. It looks suspiciously like the note she wrote to Meredith that evening when she dropped her off at her house and she’s a bit surprised that someone other than Meredith might be carrying it around. 

She doesn’t want all the other interns to see it too, so she quickly picks it up and walks around to Cristina’s other side so she can stick it back into her palm and whisper in her ear to “be a responsible citizen and to take care of what needs to be taken care of” in a cryptically loaded and warning tone before she walks away quickly before Cristina can see the ghosted paleness of Addison Montgomery’s face. 

“Th-thanks” Cristina stutters a bit as she watches Addison walking away and she crumples the note back into a call before securing it in the breast pocket of her scrub top.

And then Addison walks her way up to the nurse’s station so she can pick up all of her charts in her arms so that no one can see how she writes in them because she has a sort of suspicion that there’s going to be some sort of sleuth game about to be going on here.

And also, so she can reassign Doctor Grey to a case that’s worth having with Richard Webber today because hell, she knows Meredith deserves for something special to happen and it wasn’t going to be with her. 

Cristina is searching for Mer’s ‘mystery man’ again.

You see, despite Meredith’s prior recommendation to her earlier that she stop looking out for the ‘mystery man,’ she decides to herself - because she’s Meredith’s person - that is -  that Mer really would rather know who said ‘mystery man’ is but she’s just too exhausted to care to do complete the search herself. 

And so she begins her day scouring every sample of handwriting she can get her hands on to see if it matches the cursive from the note. Cristina figures she has a half-decent shot at finding it here among all of the men at Seattle Grace because the Emerald City Bar is just footfalls away from the hospital and the only people who really go there late at night on the weekdays are the people who work here.

People who work here, plus patient’s loved ones who need to get wasted well out of their minds but Cristina has rationalized that no patient’s family would walk Meredith up to her bedroom and not try anything slutty with her because they’d likely all be too strung out on their own family stuff to ever want to complicate themselves in any of Meredith’s without getting any sex back in return.

So she keeps looking, at case after case in chart after chart. She’s become some sort of expert at sneaking into the nurse’s station after her unfortunate ectopic pregnancy accident so she knows all the way past the Attendings to get to the binder shelf where she camps out under the counter reading writing sample to writing sample from every male doctor from A to Z. 

And because she’s only looking for the Male Doctor’s names, she doesn’t even notice that absolutely none of the charts located at the station are from Doctor McDreamy’s sort-of ex-wife. 

And so she’s still camped there when she finishes all of them, even going through the girl doctors for the second time around in case she missed someone who has a weirdly feminine sounding name. 

And she's not satisfied in the least bit because none of them even remotely resemble the way the smooth cursive “M” upon Meredith’s name is noted on the note and the way it curves down back into itself as if it is competing with a star. 

So she’s at a loss for words right now before she’s being assigned to a case and she curses when she sees it’s from Doctor Addison-Not-Shepherd-Shepherd because there’s no way in hell this could help in her search for the ‘mystery man’.

Somewhere along the way Cristina and Izzie are all holding arms with Meredith in the middle when Doctor McDreamy Shepherd walks up to her to say “hey Meredith you know maybe we could talk later” and all of them shake their heads to say “no” before whisking her away. 

Meredith does turn her head once to look back at Derek but she doesn’t turn around again. So at least Addison thinks when she sees this that maybe, just maybe, Meredith’s friends aren’t so bad after all. 

She sees Stevens tell off Karev for being a terrible jerk after their date that they had had when they were off and she sees Cristina hanging out with Meredith and she thinks that she misses when she had her friends like Mark, Derek, Sam and Naomi when they all used to get along in New York.

But that certainly does not mean that she’s happy to be being interrogated by the one Cristina Yang right now because she’s paranoid as hell but she’s half as certain that Cristina has said something to Meredith just right before now about Addison having picked up the stupid note that she wrote and having handed it back to her. 

What Addison doesn’t know though is that Meredith and Cristina actually hadn’t been talking about that night or that note after all because Cristina hadn’t said that she’d kept it and Meredith made it clear that she didn’t want to talk about it all anyway.

So Cristina is just being too nosy as anything anyways and she’s asking a god million questions because she’s being a brown-noser and trying her damn very best so she can potentially scrub in and see some super cool surgery that will have all her friends feeling so jealous for weeks. 

And at least Addison’s willing to give her a fighting chance to feel passionate about something over than cracking the “mystery man” case, so she lets her fawn over the two pregnant mothers she’s taking care of right now and ask them all personal questions as if that will help them deliver. 

“So how long have you two been together?” Cristina Yang asks them. And she’s asking them as if it were a completely legitimate medical question, no snide in her voice whatsoever before they correct her to say “we’re not lovers, best friends” after they tell the story of wanting to give birth to sibling babies since they became the best friends they were when they were three.

And it occurs to her then that Addison should really be jotting all of this down in their files so she takes out one of the chart binders 

As Addison does, she furrows her brow at Cristina, who is currently hovering suspiciously over her chart for no particular reason.

“Need something, Yang?” Addison asks her as she continues to scribble in the orders.

“Just wanted to see what medications they were on. Could you point that out for me?” Cristina asks her politely.

“It’s not written in yet but I guess I can get to that part later” Addison sighs, as she scribbles many more notes in her binder as the two of them walk out of the patient’s room and into the hall.

“You know it must be lonely for them, I wonder if it’s lonely that they’re not actually lovers they are just friends. I think I’d feel like I was the owner of a lonely heart if I was pregnant with a kid and my best friend was as well but that neither of us had any real lovers ” Cristina asks out loud rather loudly as if she were pondering this to herself.

It’s a calculated move, one that Addison does not pick up on because she replies to her immediately without looking up at all.

“I think it’s sweet you know that” Addison sighs at Cristina. “I’d almost settle for a platonic life partner some of these days, I think it would take away from the pain and loneliness of having no one at all” Addison sighs even harder.

“Do you feel yourself being lonely and having no one to talk to at night?” Cristina asks Addison casually as Addison frowns at her saying that that is a “rather deep and personal question to be asking of your Attending now Yang, don’t you think” before returning to her chart notes with ease.

“Well, I was just asking to be polite and to stick on the topic,” Cristina tells her. Besides, I was practicing being better at bedside manner” she shrugs.

“Well you’re not at my bedside Cristina, and I hardly doubt you ever will be. But to answer your question yes I do find myself lonely sometimes and I am often quite envious of you and your intern friends” Addison explains.

“Well, maybe you could come drinking with us sometimes” Cristina offers politely.

“I think I’m a little old to be drinking with Interns” Addison smiles and Cristina laughs a little at the bluntness of her statement but not too loudly to be considered rude, as Addison sighs inwardly at herself because she thinks maybe had gotten too old to be getting along with Grey so well at the bar the other day.

“Whoa! I think they might have been lying to us about being ‘just friends’ after all!” Cristina yelps and Addison turns around to watch what Cristina has caught out of the corner of her eye looking into the patient’s room. 

The two pregnant women who had just said they were not lovers were acting like, well, actual lovers. 

They were kissing and groping at each other’s mouths and their hands were wandering all over each other’s bodies.

They had their hands under each other’s shirts and they were about to reach into each other’s pants.

And that’s when Addison clears her throat loudly with an “ Ahem ” that startles Cristina and makes her turn back to her Attending and to focus on what Addison is telling her to be doing.

“We should give them some privacy” Addison explains simply, as she pulls the curtains to the room shut from the outside and pastes an “Exam in Progress - Do Not Enter” sign on their door.

“You’re helping your patient’s get laid together before labor?!” Cristina exclaims. “Go, Addison, you may be way cooler than even I ever thought!” Cristina says before she can contain herself.

“I think you should probably apologize and we should forget you just said that,” Addison says as she points to the part on the chart where it says her name is typed “Doctor Montgomery” to her with the “-Shepherd” part crossed out in black ink.

“Sorry Doctor Montgomery-” Cristina apologizes slowly. 

“And also you should really know by now, Yang, that pain management via sexual stimulation has been proven to outweigh the benefits of assistive epidurals during a great many gynecological and obstetric cases.

And Cristina nods her head, idly thinking it’s sort of cool that an orgasm really could help with pain management so she’s apologizing again to Addison now.

And she’s drawing out just how “so, so sorry she is” as long as she possibly can manage because she’s not actually thinking about pain management or medicine or anything near an apology at all. 

She’s thinking about the way Addison was just blushing when she had been caught watching the two women pleasure themselves with each other’s bodies.

And the way that she’d gasped when she thought she was about to watch them have sex with each other.

And the way that she’d yelped and asked Cristina to help them both, erm, finish… undisturbed.

And the way that she seemed a bit shifty, even now, and nervous in a flustered sort of way Cristina didn’t think an Attending usually would be from only a pretty simple set of patients.

But mostly, Cristina is comparing the curvy looped “M” with a tail that tucked back around like a star that was staring at her straight in the face on the part of the page where it says 

“Medications, as follows” in both of the women’s charts where Addison had just handwritten it in her own handwriting, neatly. 

And Cristina could swear on her life then and there that Doctor Addison Forbes Montgomery’s handwritten “M”s were a perfect match with the one that was written on the note Meredith had received after her night out at the bar with her ‘mystery man’.

And Cristina could hardly contain what she now knew to be true but that Addison didn’t know she had realized because she hadn’t looked up from writing her orders yet. 

She could hardly contain herself but yet somehow, she did. 

Because oh, boy, was Cristina Yang EVER going to have fun with this one.

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***** END OF CHAPTER 7

Chapter Text

Chapter 8: Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

“Doctor Montgomery-Shep- I Mean just Doctor Montgomery, well not ‘just’, I mean would I be able to speak with you a second, in private?” Cristina Yang asks Addison.

“What is this about?” Addison asks her because she has honestly no idea.

“Well, I have some very important questions about, ah, erm, a patient of yours” Cristina tries not to wince at her slight tremor in her voice.

“And it isn’t these patients?” Addison asks her, a teeny bit annoyed now.

“No, it isn’t. And it’s private .” Cristina insists to her.

And Addison can sense the urgency in Cristina’s tone now, so she follows Doctor Yang into an empty exam room and her eyebrows only twitch up a little when she notices Cristina locking the door to the room behind them.

“What is this about Doctor Yang? We have actual patients to see, you know” Addison questions her as Cristina is motioning at her to surrender the chart she was working on over to her.

“It’s this, this right here” Cristina points to the line that reads “ Medications ” in Addison’s handwriting.

“What about it?” Addison asks her impatiently.

And then she goes pale as a ghost when Cristina pulls out the note from her breast pocket and lays it gently on top of the chart so that the “ M ” of “ Medications ” was lined up with the “ M ” of “ Meredith” on the note she had left for the intern the other evening.

“I know it was you who brought Meredith home the other night,” Cristina says to her softly, looking Addison right in the eye.

“You- You don’t though-” Addison tries her best to deny it despite her voice shaking.

“I already knew it was you who wrote her a note in the morning, she told me” Cristina looks her right in the eye and sees all of her worries swimming around in them right beneath the surface.

“She said you were the one who slid over to her at Joe’s bar that night. That you are the mystery man. And that she remembers all that you said everything you did for her” Cristina continues.

And she watches intently as Addison’s expression changes over from scared to shocked embarrassed all at once before she blinks and shuts down her emotions so she’s looking back at Cristina again with as much of a dignified expression she can manage.

“Why hasn’t she said anything to me about it then?” Addison says to Cristina softly, like she’s hurt and bruised.

“Oh.

My.

God.

I knew it!”

Cristina exclaims to Addison, now.

“What?!” Addison exclaims at her.

“But I thought you just said Meredith told you,” Addison exclaims out again at her.

“She never told me a thing she was too drunk out of her mind to remember anything and that hasn’t changed.” Cristina Clarifies.

“So she never told you? So how then do you know?” Addison is waving her hands animatedly now and she’s grateful that this exam room has no open windows.

“Well the handwriting was a big tip-off, you write the letter “M” in a very specific way. But I could never be certain for sure until like, right now” Cristina says to her smugly.

And Addison’s face falls because she feels a pang of betrayal that Cristina has cracked her case so easily and yet she still doesn’t know how Meredith was truly feeling about all of this.

And that’s when Cristina realizes that Addison actually cares what Meredith Grey thinks about her. And that she’s insecure about how she treated Cristina’s best friend and she is seeking reassurance that she wasn’t totally in the wrong there.

So Cristina sighs to her and asks her why she’d been concealing her identity as the ‘mystery man’ all along.

“I mean she’s going to find out eventually whether I say anything to her or not,” Cristina says to her as-a-matter-of-factly.

And Addison nods at her because she knows that after everything that Cristina is right.

“But why do you care so much about her not knowing it was you? And if she’s going to find it out sometime why do you want that to be later rather than sooner?” Cristina asks her tenderly.

“I just don’t want her to know, at least not yet” Addison sighs. “It’s too complicated now. She just found out that I’m the secret McWife that Derek has been hiding from her and that I’m the adulteress bitch that cheated on McDreamy. And that I’m her Attending and her new boss.

That’s a whole lot of heavy to be going around right now. Plus on top of it all, everyone is treating her like she’s the latest issue of “People Magazine” Addison tries to reason with Cristina.

“Yeah, okay. I think I’m starting to understand” Cristina says honestly, looking up at Addison to show her she’s being honest.

Addison nods at her, relieved that at least the fact that they both care about Meredith a great deal is playing out to be in her favor.

“Am I a genius or what though, for figuring it all out so fast” Cristina can’t contain her excited grin. And Addison laughs with her and says “yeah, you do win. I won’t take that one away from you” she nods and extends her hand for Cristina to shake it as if to say “good game”.

“You know, you’re not too bad, Doctor Addison Montgomery,” Cristina says her whole name like that to her compassionately while shaking her hand back in acceptance.

“Cristina you can’t tell her,” Addison says to her harshly and hurt. And she’s practically begging her now, which is unseemly because Addison does never want to be begging an intern for anything, ever again.

“You really don’t want me to tell her, do you?” Cristina asks her gently.

“No, I really don’t” Addison sighs loudly again.

Cristina brings out the binder page and takes it into her hand before folding it up into her pocket alongside her note to Meredith as Addison’s eyes widen at her.

“You know you have a game to play with me now, don’t you Doctor No-Longer-Mrs.-McDreamy” Cristina jeers at her until Addison finally cracks.

“Fine, Yang, you win. Pick your poison, pick your prize or whatever. Just tell me. What’s it going to take for you not to say a thing to anyone, especially not my ex-husband or Meredith, about all and any of this” Addison asks her.

“Well, what do you have to offer?” Cristina asks her in a complete business mode as Cristina takes out a pen and a pad of paper to make notes about Addison’s… whatever she was going to say to her next.

“I’ll tell the nurses not to page you for anything gross related to L&D” Addison offers.

“Aaaaaaand?” Cristina whines gently.

“You can do my post-ops for the next week if you want to,” Addison adds to her offer.

“Aaaaaaand?” Cristina whines gently even more.

“What do you want from me, Yang? Get to the point we don’t have all day” Addison says, frustrated that she doesn’t have the upper hand here and struggling to take back some sense of control.

“What good surgeries do you have coming up tomorrow?” Cristina states simply and Addison rolls her eyes at herself inwardly at not offering one of those as one of her prizes in the first place.

“Pyloric stenosis baby” Addison explains to her. “The babies have a valve that doesn’t work so well in their digestive systems and it causes them to throw up a lot” she adds, hoping to make the case sound as gross and appealing to Cristina as possible.

“What else ‘you got?” Cristina grimaces slightly as Addison laughs.

“Well actually I am doing 2 pyloric's tomorrow, and that’s about it so if you don’t want either of them then I suggest-” Addison goes to keep going but Cristina cuts her off.

“I’ll ALMOST take the two of the pyloric's AND the nurses forgetting my pager number for all the gross stuff but you can do your own damn post-ops because that’s just scut it’s not actually a prize,” Cristina says cleverly.

“But there’s one more thing I insist on before I cut you a deal” Cristina adds on.

“I already told you I have no more surgeries tomorrow, Yang” Addison insists.

“I'll take the deal that I just told you in return for my silence. But only on the condition that you tell me in all gory details absolutely everything that happened that night,” Cristina tells her.

“I can keep a poker face from Mer, she never knew I was with Burke or that I was with child until I told her” Cristina advocates for her discretion skills.

“And I kept the father a secret from you. Thanks for saving me by the way and not being the one to tell Burke and your friends. Cristina adds.

“That's how I know I can trust you with this. To keep up your end of the deal AND to tell me the truth” Cristina explains more.

“That’s why I’m not storming up to you like I’m at all mad or upset like I could have. Because I trust you were good to HER the other night when you took her home the other night.

So I’m actually thanking you for being graceful through all this. For not taking advantage or anything you know.” Cristina articulates as Addison thinks.

Addison realizes that it is uncanny how Cristina found out that she’d spent a night with her very intoxicated best friend and she never said anything negative about that except how she was that Addison had been hiding it from her.

“Meredith was so sure she said nothing sexual had happened because she still had her clothes on. If it has been someone else to find her I’m not so sure she’d be able to say the same thing. So thank you at least. For that. If that helps you understand what I’m thinking” Cristina says solemnly.

“I really didn’t do anything like that to her, or with her for that matter. Ever. Wouldn’t dream of it. She was drunk already the first time I sat down next to her. She was hurting, I was there for her. That was it. Then she needed help getting home so I helped her and I made sure the door wasn’t unlocked behind me. That’s it, end of story” Addison says to her briskly.

“I know. I believe you” Cristina says and Addison breathes a sigh of relief.

“I’m just saying that in the future, you know if it ever occurs to you to see just how great my best friend is, that if you ever wanted to go there with her-. Well, if you did and I’m not saying that you do, I’m just saying that I’d trust you with her, that’s all. That you’d do right by her” Cristina looks at the floor now as she’s pretty sure that Addison is going to tear her a new one again.

“Doctor Yang, you know that I’m straight right? I mean I did just divorce my own husband but that was because I slept with her best friend Mark Sloan behind his back so that really says nothing about my sexual orientation” Addison leans into Cristina’s ear to say this.

“Well so WERE those super close friends who are having their babies together and they’ve known each other since they were three and they claim to have never had feelings for each other in that way before they took all of their clothes off each other in the delivery room.

“So I’m not saying it’s possible or impossible either way for you to actually care more about Meredith Grey as more than your sworn enemy who stole your stupid McDreamy from you so straight or not straight or somewhere in between I’m saying whatever I’m good with it, whether you end up with her or with another girl or another guy or whomever else. That’s all I’m saying. That it’s okay” Cristina offers to her with a shrug.

“Well, I’m as straight as those ladies just said that they WERE” Addison confirms with emphasis before she’s cut off again by doctor Yang before realizing that might not have been the best of all the analogies she could have made.

“Well moving on, like I said I’m not judging your lifestyle or identity crisis or anything with all of this all I’m saying to you is thank you for not sleeping with my drunk best friend or letting anyone else do anything with her then for that matter and for taking her home.” Cristina pauses.

“For taking her to her own home away from the prying eyes and hands of those depressed married men who sometimes stalk Emerald City Bar in search of some rebound they’re bound to get laid with because the girl is so eager to get some sex in them after some long evening shift” Cristina explains clearly to her.

And Addison sighs an inaudible relief when she understands that Cristina is not at all implying that she, herself, would have been the one to be taking all of Meredith’s clothes off the back during that night at the bar.

That she was simply thanking her for having taken Meredith off the market that night so she didn’t screw some old creepy man when she was practically unconscious and in search of a rebound.

Which, in retrospect, Addison is also thanking herself for because she’s so sure she wouldn’t want someone to have slept with Meredith Grey when she wouldn’t be able to stand up or remember it after it all happened. And Addison thinks that she also didn’t get herself into some stupid rebound mess right before her divorce. So it had saved both of them if you looked at it that way.

And idly, Addison wonders if Cristina had all been implying that it was not her... But that it was Meredith, who was at least vaguely bicurious and that Cristina either suspected or knew that because she at first had said “anyone” not just about men when she had implied someone might do something sexual with her.

And then Addison decides that she’s making all of this up to be a much more of a big deal than it has to be. Because really, who would have even skipped to that in their minds when Meredith Grey has been obsessed with Mr. McDreamy as well as her ‘mystery man ’ since the day she arrived in Seattle.

And she’s pulled out of her reverie by Cristina who’s waving her hand in front of her face to tell her she should take the deal now or leave it.

And so Addison does, she shakes Cristina’s hand as Cristina says she promises she won’t tell in exchange for Addison’s surgeries and the nurse’s special treatment.

And she almost breathes a sigh of relief before Cristina unlocks the door to the examination room and moves to leave her alone in the room.

But before she does she looks back at Addison to give her a meaningful nod, but then she winks at her and says that she’ll never tell another soul -

“Unless someone has some even cooler surgery to offer me in return for your stupid pyloric's” Cristina laughs loudly now as she motions to where or not she should the door behind her.

And Addison collapses to the floor with her hands face-palming her head right now as Cristina still stares at her.

She has this sinking feeling like she’s as old and stupid as that grandma who got run over by a reindeer on Christmas eve.

Because the moment she looks up at Yang’s smirking face, that’s when Addison knows she’s just been played.

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***** END OF CHAPTER 8

Chapter Text

Chapter 9: Begin the Begin

Meredith knew that this was one of the stupidest plans in the universe.

She knew she shouldn't have shrugged off Richard Webber's very kind attempts to get her to scrub in with him on a bowel resection.

She knew he was just trying to be kind to her and she believed him when Richard said that it wasn't even his idea to have her on the case to begin with but that he agreed with the other Attending's decision.

And yet, here she was, ignoring Richard Webber the way she always had growing up. Because despite what he wanted to believe, he was only her uncle, and he was certainly NOT her father.

Not that Thatcher Grey was much of a father to her either but that was way besides the point.

The point is, that Meredith is now following in what she rationalized to be her mother's footsteps. That is, if she could imagine her mother following through with this part though she knew her mother would never be caught dead flirting with a psychiatrist, no less.

But this wasn't really about the flirting and it wasn't really about the psychiatrist, either. It was about her friends getting their hands on the psychiatrist's chart for the 'delusional' patient that had come in last night.

The one who was a boy but who claimed to be pregnant so they'd 5150'd him just so they could take a closer look.

But Meredith and her friends did not want psychiatry to take a closer look at him. They wanted to be the ones to take a closer look at him.

And potentially diagnose and then operate on him.

To take out the - whatever - he was hiding inside of him.

So to make this all work as planned that's why Meredith was flirting with the boy psychiatrist right now.

And she'd like to think that she wasn't even doing too bad of a job at it, either.

"Ahem" Meredith clears her throat loudly while rapping her knuckles on the Psychiatry office window.

The boy psychiatrist looks up at her with a pencil in his mouth no less and frowns as he folds his papers onto his desk and moves closer to where Meredith is standing.

He opens the window, pencil still in mouth, as Meredith smiles at him and asks with her most flirty smile: "How 'you doing?"

His eyes widen suddenly as he looks down at Meredith's scrubs which are pulled all the way down to show off her cleavage and he takes the pencil out of his mouth with his hand while he waits for what Meredith is about to say to him next.

Meredith contemplates the rush of power she feels in her mind when she tries to seduce people - especially when she tries to seduce unsuspecting boy-men. Because Meredith likes to try her magic on people when she knows for sure she can win.

"You look good" Meredith continues her assault of compliments now as she attempts to make her eyes as dark and as seductive as humanly possible while also staring at her two friends Izzie and Cristina who is stealing a chart stealthily from the back of the psychiatrist's office.

"Come on, we're friends" Meredith continues as he swallows deeply before saying something back to her.

"What's my name" the psychiatrist challenges her.

Meredith simply tilts her head to the side with a smirk as she tries to glance down at his name embroidery quickly but before she manages to read it, he's covered it with his fingers.

Meredith clicks her tongue at him as if to admonish him for being so silly before she looks him right in the eye as she prepares for what she's about to say to him next.

"Umm… alright." Meredith looks at the floor so an embarrassing blush can show all the way through her rosy cheeks.

"So I don't know your name" Meredith admits in a seductive grin, her voice audibly dropping an entire octave as she speaks those words smoothly.

By this time her best friends seem to have captured the proper chart because just as they were leaving the psychiatrist man turns around briefly as if he's heard some sort of commotion go on.

"It's not like we can't...talk" Meredith tries to continue but her voice has returned to the normal pitch as he frowns, looking behind himself again.

"You don't have to be a surgeon for me to talk to you, you know" Meredith lowers her voice again deliberately after having let that thing slide almost once.

And he's looking up at her again now, only this time he seems almost… interested. Intrigued, to say the least.

And judging by the way he's leaning in Meredith thinks she's doing one hell of a job at seducing random strangers.

At work, and at will, no less.

And Meredith Grey feels pretty damn powerful knowing that it's not only Doctor McDreamy who can be the one who's enjoying the chase.

In fact, Meredith Grey feels pretty damn ecstatic that she can have a boy-man wrapped right around her pretty little finger in no less than two seconds flat.

"Really" the boy psychiatrist challenges her again.

"Really," she says looking him square in the eye now.

"Because I thought that you only talked to Attendings" he snarks back at her.

And if that wasn't the truest truth that could ever be spoken on this entire planet then what would be.

Which Meredith obviously doesn't know yet. Or anymore. Or would ever know.

If Addison Montgomery had anything to say about it. Because she's been watching this whole entire scene play out from the other end of the hallway

And she's well beyond angry. She's well beyond furious also. She's right up there with psychotic rage. Or perhaps she's feeling waves of deeply seeded aggression.

Because it was beyond each and every one of Addison Montgomery's expectations that she could keep Meredith from drowning herself in some slutty stranger when she's heartbroken.

And she keeps her from finding out the secret that's been gnawing at her insides ever since she took the girl home safe and sound.

And to whom she offers a decent surgery with a decent surgeon to scrub in on for free no help from her little friends.

And after all of that-.

Meredith Grey is throwing all of her stupid progress away for some stupid side fling with some stupid boy psychiatrist.

Who, for the record, not that anyone was asking, that Addison doesn't know the name of, either.

And the idea that some slimy looking psychiatrist boy - man - boy - male - boy - penis - boy - could be putting her hands anywhere and everywhere over the delicate flower that was THE Meredith Grey-

THE intern that SHE had saved from all those stupid boy-man-penises on countless occasions -

That she would be screwing around in no time and throwing her entire career away in the process was just an impossible thought for Addison Montgomery to fathom.

And to add to it all, what the smug little boy-man had said to her about "only talking to attendings" was clearly referring right to Derek.

And Derek was the last thing that Addison wanted to have to deal with anything about today.

Because she doesn't like to think about Meredith with Derek.

Because she doesn't like to think about Meredith with random bar boys.

Because she doesn't like to think about Meredith with random psychiatrists.

Because she doesn't like to think about Meredith spending her precious spare time with other Attending Physicians who are not HER-.

Wait now, what now?! Where on earth had that pesky HER come from ?!

Addison doesn't like to think about the implications of where her mind just entangled her hatred of sleazy men trying to screw young subordinate interns with her own association with the blonde woman.

Addison doesn't like to think about the implications of her wanting to spend any more time with Meredith than she had to. She was, after all, her ex-husband's mistress and she herself was the 'filthy whore' who cheated on her ex-?boyfriend.

Addison doesn't like to think about the vague and lustrous possibility that she was not only ANGRY at the boy-man-psychiatrist but that she was JEALOUS of the boy-man-psychiatrist because Meredith Grey had just been hitting overtly on HIM and not HER.

Addison doesn't like to think about how she might not be decidedly as straight as she once thought and she really doesn't like to think about how she might just be developing and repressing the most inappropriate of crushes on the most inappropriate person for her to develop an inappropriate crush on, ever.

And Addison really doesn't like to think about how she couldn't - could - would - wouldn't - shouldn't - should - maybe - never - definitely - might - maybe - perhaps - someday - fail to - try to - attempt to - never ever attempt to ever reveal to Cristina, MUCH LESS Meredith Grey how she was REALLY (trying, but failing miserably to-) NOT to feel anything.

And MUCH LESS THAN THAT was she ever going to act on those feelings - THAT MAY OR MAY NOT ACTUALLY EVER OR HAVE EVER EXIST OR EXISTED - for the woman no matter how much or how strongly or how surely her brain and body and dare she say it - heart - was telling her to act on them.

The feelings, that is.

The feelings that Addison most definitely WAS NOT HAVING for Meredith Grey.

Which she's not going to do any more thinking about as she stands right in front of her.

So instead of thinking anything more about it, Addison stalks up to Meredith Grey just as the psychiatrist is closing the office window in her face.

And Meredith still smirking that smug little grin she's got on when she thinks she's seduced someone and it makes Addison so freaking hot-headed she just wants to scream at her.

But she's an Attending of course.

So she doesn't.

She doesn't scream at Meredith in fact she's hardly said anything to Meredith at all.

Addison was about to give Meredith an earful about "respect" and "collaborative medicine" and "keeping her professional career intact" by the time she's so close to her now that she's towering over the shorter, blonde intern.

And she's staring piercingly into those little blue eyes with her green ones with her very, very severe and serious expression.

And she's got her hands waving up in the air in exclamation when she's interrupted by someone else pushing her aside and wedging themselves in between Addison and Meredith.

And Addison furrows her brow in confusion as she looks past the person who's pushed her out of the way into the startled and almost scared expression of Meredith Grey who is too stunned to move at all anywhere.

So it's Addison who takes a step back allowing the someone who pushed her to take a step forward again.

And then Addison focuses her eyes back to the body of the person directly in front of her.

Because as fate would have it, it would be them giving Addison a piece of their mind today, rather than the other way around.

"I haven't told her yet!" Cristina yells at Addison while simultaneously winking at her.

And Addison is too stunned at her announcement to process her oncoming realization that Cristina Yang had in fact just yelled that OUT LOUD AND IN PUBLIC IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE DAMN HOSPITAL.

"I haven't told her yet what this patient is about" She continues in a normal volume this time.

And now Addison is completely confused all over again because she thought for sure that Yang was talking to her about the "not telling Meredith about the note and ergo their (Meredith and Addison's) drunken encounter" thing.

And another eyebrow-raising look at Cristina Yang proves to Addison that she wasn't wrong about Cristina referencing that deal and conversation that she'd had with her.

It just meant that Cristina was cleverly disguising that loaded exchange they just shared so that she could keep talking to her about this apparently emergent patient that Cristina and Izzie-

(and therefore, also Meredith, though Cristina hadn't told her yet about that part either)

-had been complicit in blatantly stealing straight out of the psych ward that very morning.

"We were actually on our way looking for you" Cristina speaks to Addison calmly now as if there were nothing unusual and absolutely nothing to be un-calm about.

"Why would you be looking for me?" Addison asks her in a way that Cristina can tell she's trying all too hard to keep her voice from shaking when she says all of it to her.

"Because HE thinks that he is PREGNANT" Cristina exclaims to her without missing a beat.

All the while Izzie Stevens-

(Who is now standing beside Meredith but who was also previously stealing this chart from the psychiatry office with Cristina before Addison caught them and therefore who saw everything that went on and everything the two had said to each other but who was clueless as to the subtext of everything they were talking about)

And Meredith Grey-

(Who is standing right behind Cristina Yang but who has her eyes poking up at Addison and who is eyeing her curiously with an embarrassed sort of glance as the realization washes over her that yet another one of the Doctor Shepherds- Well actually Addison isn't even a Doctor Shepherd anymore - Well that yet another one of the Seattle Grace Attendings had just bared witness to her spectacular - probably never going to be an Emmy award-winning - performance of "hitting on a total stranger in public to get something in return that she wasn't supposed to".

(The first one being, of course, Derek, who had been the subject of the first set of flirting for something she wasn't supposed to have - which is adulterous sex with her boss - after a drunken night bar encounter)

And Cristina Yang-

(Who is now pleading with both her eyes at her not to act suspiciously which could rat the both of them out now. Because even though it's Addison's secret that Cristina is keeping from Meredith, she's not the only one who has something to lose here anymore. Cristina could very lose her best friend because lord knows Meredith would really not be happy with her if she finds out from Addison of all people that Cristina - her best friend and her person - had been keeping important secrets - about her - from her.

And Addison somehow catches it. She catches on to the importance of the necessity of her own Emmy-award-winning-possibly performance that this situation requires.

So she takes the chart from Cristina simply, and without raising her eyes again at either of the three of them, rattles off labs and tests that the interns should order for this "potentially pregnant male-boy-man-person so that they can get a closer look at whatever he might be hiding in that huge protrusion he has hanging out of his abdomen.

And Addison swears she can hear Cristina release the breath she didn't know she'd been holding when Addison hands her back the chart with a smirk and tells her she better have a damn good excuse to be keeping her from those disgusting-yet-cute pyloric stenosis babies she was supposed to be operating on today.

And Cristina looks at her expectantly, asking her what things that there is that needs to be done for them.

And the slip of the tongue, subtly switching the "him" to "them" embedded inside the familiar phrasing which she had used only a day ago when she had stuffed that stupid note right back into Cristina's pocket was not lost in Addison's consciousness.

So Addison sighs and thinks deeply before looking up, first at Grey, then at Yang again to tell her to figure out as much as she possibly can from external sources about the patient, nodding at Cristina to let her know that she's talking about Meredith as well in double entendre. And she watches in relief as Cristina Yang scurries off again.

Then she rips off the requisition form for the labs and presses it into Doctor Steven's chest as she walks past both Grey and Stevens, and from behind she tells Izzie to put a damn rush on those labs and to tell the technician it was for Doctor Montgomery-With-No-Shepherd-On-Her-Name-Anymore. And Izzie does.

And before she turns the corner to go check on those two pyloric stenosis babies again like she was going to do before she was so shockingly interrupted, she motions at the still motionless remaining Intern and asks her to follow her.

And she peeks down at the room number quietly before she asks Meredith Grey to show her the way to this 'pregnant boy-man-patient's' room'.

And she swallows hard thinking about how she really wishes, yet doesn't wish at the same time, that Cristina Yang had actually broken her promise to her - that she had traded those surgeries for Meredith's own assigned surgeries - so that she could tell Meredith the dirty little secret - so that Meredith would finally know - remember - re-remember? - that fateful night at the bar and in the cab and in her house -

So that Addison could stop feeling like she was lying to the poor girl all the time and just treat her like any other normal surgical intern.

And she sighs as Meredith misinterprets her sigh and tries to comfort the weary-looking Addison.

As Meredith looks up at Addison with her big warm blue eyes, she reaches really far up Addison's taller and fuller body to wrap her arm around Addison's shoulder.

So Meredith can tell Addison "thank you" for not ratting her out about flirting with the psychiatrist boy-penis-man just so she and her friends could steal this 'mystery-pregnant-man's chart.

So Meredith could, for once, forget about that other 'mystery man' that Addison turns away so Meredith can't see the look on her face when she mentions that.

So Meredith could, for once, forget about their past trauma and drama and she could forget about stupid McDreamy and about the fact that Addison was his stupidly pretty McWife.

And Addison sighs into the contact as she feels Meredith hold onto her tightly as she tries lamely to pull away.

And Addison thinks she really wishes more than anything that she could stop lying to herself about these stupid feelings she's been stupidly having about this stupidly sweet intern.

The one right beside her right now who keeps working her way into her heart all the while riling her up with the worst - and the best - kind of crazy that Addison could ever imagine.

"Time to begin the begin," Addison tells the patient professionally.

"Ask me anything" the mystery-boy-man-fake-pregnant-patient grins proudly right up at both of them.

"Well look who's ready to be super open and honest, doesn't that make all of our lives so much easier for once," Meredith says without any tinge of a smirk.

And the ten-pound lead-weight of the irony is never lost on Addison Montgomery, who simply looks up from writing up in her chart, and smiles to herself, with Meredith's Grey's arm still wrapped tightly around her shoulder.

*

*

*

*

*

***** END OF CHAPTER 9

Chapter Text

Chapter 10: Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

They're trying to diagnose a pregnant MAN. As if that weren't at all an oxymoron.

They've shotgunned all the labs, tests and procedures in the books and they were stumped.

Izzie, Cristina, and Meredith were all on the case originally (because they stole it ).

But for whatever reason (that Cristina knew the reason but it wasn't hers to say),

Their Attending wasn't giving them any shit at all about stealing him over from psych.

In fact, if they had to guess they might have said that she looked awfully cheerful for once.

She even brought the other interns George O'Malley and Alex Karev onto the case.

So that they could all work to figure this out together. They didn't know she was trying to,

Well, keep this on the down-low from the other Attendings. She didn't need any extra attention.

Not from people like Richard Webber, or Preston Burke, or, heaven forbid, Derek Shepherd.

No, the last thing that Addison Montgomery needed right now was another pair of eyes on her.

They thought it was a reward, or at the very least a way to win them over for Doctor Bailey.

Because as she'd said not so long ago to one of them in passing:

"Let me know when you've decided how important it is for you to hate me".

And with the following along of their elaborate plan to diagnose a 'pregnant man',

The group of interns seemed to start to feel the MAGIC and stopped wanting to hate Addison.

They all kind of started to almost, dare they say, like her. She was annoyingly kind.

She was a good teacher. She was fair and equal. And she cared about them, truly.

She wasn't arrogant like Derek, demanding like Burke or old like Webber. She wasn't Bailey.

And the one person who should have every reason under the sun to hate Addison actively,

Well, Meredith stopped hating her as much (not because of the night at the bar of course,

Because she still couldn't remember the vaguest thing about THAT night. Her mystery night).

But it was because Addison had told her she was getting a divorce and she looked just so, sad.

She looked human almost. So that's why she put her arm around her the other day.

When they went to talk to this 'pregnant man patient'. Because a part of her was happy.

Just that Addison was being nice to her. Probably to get her not to hate her so much.

But a part of Meredith felt honored that someone as formidable as Addison Forbes Montgomery,

Would instantly pick her , to choose her - to be the first one to see the 'pregnant man', that is.

And so Meredith was content with the idea, that maybe even if she didn't like her really yet.

That she could at least follow suit with the other interns and decide not to hate Addison.

At least not as much as she did the moment she walked into that door over to her and Derek.

To say "Addison Shepherd, and you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband."

Because this Addison, seemed to be a far, far cry from the Addison of that fateful evening.

But alas, Meredith is rambling in her head as she rushes off to pick up the results of the biopsy.

And Cristina was off to pick up the results of the tilt test. And those were in opposite directions.

So after they'd left the patient room, Meredith didn't see either Cristina or Addison after.

Not for the rest of the workday that day. Not in person, anyhow, anyways, and whatever.

It was the rest of Bailey's interns, Izzie Stevens, George O'Malley, Alex Karev, and Addison,

Who were all stuck inside of that room, grilling the 'pregnant man' for the rest of the day?

They had each taken turns going over diagnostic questionnaires. Asking him all of it.

Nothing was really jelling, and eventually, Addison even brought them some snacks.

They munched on them quietly and thanked her, she even brought them some sodas,

Addison was pulling all of the stops to try to get the junior interns to hate her less.

Addison leaves snacks and sodas for Cristina and Meredith too by their lockers.

This time she leaves a typed note on purpose, one of her business cards on it.

It indicated it was from her and for them , but without her handwriting on any of it.

She said to herself she was just being fair and square. But she did want to treat them.

Them being both Cristina for keeping quiet so far, and Meredith for not hating her much.

At least not overtly. I mean she had had her arm wrapped around Addison's shoulder.

Eventually, Addison wanders into her own locker. She selects her keys and her coat.

She's decided the 'pregnant person' isn't going to die on them all this evening.

So she leaves them with only the interns for the moment, who are working the night shift.

Meredith and Cristina are not back yet, so she doesn't say goodbye to them at all.

Instead, she says goodnight to George, Izzie, and Alex and tells them to page her if necessary.

They all wave goodbye as does the 'pregnant person', who thanks her for taking him on.

And as she puts on her coat, she sits down for a second, finishing off her own snack and soda.

She's hardly eaten these past few days. And she looks defeated, yet confident. And, different .

The interns notice Addison's difference in demeanor and to them, she looks just, so, human.

Like she hadn't before when she was only the McWife who had cheated on that McBastard.

As Addison steeles herself to get up and go home to the hotel to sleep, she sighs.

She takes out her set of car keys, and she absent-mindedly runs her finger over one.

She's holding Meredith Grey's house key in the palm of her hand, just feeling the weight of it.

She's letting it fall through her fingers gently, as she picks up the set by the ring.

The boys are bickering over some hot nurse girl chick Olivia again, joking with the patient.

But the one other remaining girl in the room has checked out of that conversation.

It's Izzie, Izzie Stevens who is sighing and giving Addison what can only be described,

As a "sympathetic look". One that is trying too hard to say "Ugh, boys will be boys."

Which makes Addison smile at her out of the corner of her mouth. And she mouths "Goodluck."

Izzie laughs at that, as Addison takes one last glance back at the room before leaving.

And as she does, in the very bottom of Izzie's subconsciousness, stares at Addison's keys.

And as she does before Addison holds them all in a tight first, she can't help but wonder.

Wonder why one of them seems so out of place on that keychain, and vaguely familiar.

Meredith finds her spare house key that evening when she stumbles and trips over the doormat in front of her house and she kicks it all over in anger. She then eyes the key that's been placed there and runs it over into her fingers, finding instinctively the small "M" that had been carved there making her sure to god she was holding her own copy and not one of the spare ones she'd made out for her roommates at the start of the year.

She should be happy.

She isn't though.

She doesn't know why.

"Well, that settles that," Meredith says with a sad sigh as she uses her own key now to tumble the lock open and let herself in. She tells herself that it's really for the best that there's not someone let loose in Seattle with a way into her home at any time and that she hadn't needed to tell any of her friends about her predicament other than Cristina who is probably panicking so she texts her she got her key back anonymously before she makes her way over to the kitchen.

As Meredith stares at her un-straight potted plant right now that she's watering she can't help but to think that she really really wishes that this mystery man still had a reason to see her again so she could finally find out who he was. And she's mulling this all over as she gets dressed for bed and gets into it. And Meredith realizes that this is the first time since the day before she started at Seattle Grace that she didn't keep thinking McDreamy thoughts as she falls asleep.

Because, she thinks, 'mystery man' gave her the key back, but he still has the key to her heart .

Meredith fantasizes about what she would say to him if she ever met this man. She fantasizes about saying to him "thank you for taking me home, but not in a slutty way". She fantasizes about saying to him all the things she used to want to say to Derek but now wasn't so sure about saying to Derek. Like how he was dreamy. Damn, Meredith would have to come up with another nickname for him. McMystery she guesses. Calling him 'mystery man' is getting old.

She wonders to herself if she'll ever fall in love with him. Would he even be good looking enough? Would he be any better looking than Derek? Oh god, what if he was worse would she still like him? What if he looked exactly like someone she knew like Doctor Burke, Cristina's boyfriend. Now that would be all kinds of fucked up, now wouldn't it. Or what if he looked like one of her previous one-night stands. What if he WAS one of her previous one-night stands!?

What if she had known him once.

What if he hated her.

What if she hated him ?

Or what if he was even better looking than she could even imagine? Meredith had sure had her choice of good-looking and sweet-talking-lovers when she had been sleeping her way through Europe with her high school best friend Sadie Harries, who still called her "death" and who she still called her "die. What if he had a cool accent like maybe Australian? Or maybe Italian? Or even Irish? She could go for all or any of those super neat accents in a lover. McMystery lover!

Of course, Meredith could really not go on any longer freaking out about this by herself. So instead she decides to dial and call up her best friend - and her person - Doctor Cristina Yang.

***** INCOMING CALL FROM BEST TWISTED SISTER FRIEND MEREDITH GREY *****

Cristina picks up her phone the third time it rings. She settles in with her pajamas and popcorn and switches on a movie she's seen a thousand times before as she calls her best friend.

"CRISTINA I GOT MY HOUSE KEY BACK FROM THE MYSTERY MAN!" Meredith yells.

"Yeah I got your text, you said. So where was it exactly?"

"Under my doormat. I nearly broke my wrist when I tripped over the corner of it, god. At least I caught myself on the door after" Meredith recounts as Cristina does her very best to wait patiently and not give anything away with her voice.

"So did you like, see anyone put it there?" Cristina asks neutrally.

"No, there was no mystery man to be seen," Meredith says. "The whole street was deserted. And I looked from my bedroom window but nothing, no sounds either. Guess I'll just never know, huh" Meredith says.

"You sound disappointed," says Cristina to her.

"I guess I sort of am. I mean I have my key back which is convenient but I guess, well I guess I liked the mystery of it all. Like I'm liking this 'fake pregnant guy' case because it's fun to solve a mystery. I feel like a spy" says Meredith cheerfully.

"Is that the ONLY reason you like working on that 'pregnant guy' case, Mer" Cristina asks gently.

"Yeah and that all of us are on it together I guess" Meredith shrugs.

"What about working with Addison? Don't you like, hate the She-Satan?" Cristina asks carefully.

"Well, I guess I thought I hated her. I hate the idea of her. And I hate that she's still married to Derek and I hate that she's all leggy and fabulous and annoyingly kind and saved your life so it's really hard to hate her, kind of hate her.

But I guess she's been trying really hard to win me over, like with the potato chips and the diet sodas. And she let me palpate the 'pregnant person's' abdomen by myself.

So even though I still kinda do hate her for hurting Derek and for showing up here unannounced, and I still wouldn't want to like, spend a night hanging out with her-

Cristina snorts at that before she can't contain herself and when Meredith says "What?" In question to her snorting, she sobers up and tells her-

"it's only funny because I can't really imagine Meredith enjoying spending a night with McDreamy's wife either, given who they are to each other" and Meredith nods.

Cristina releases the breath she's been holding when Meredith accepts as she tells her these sweet little lies at face value and goes on to say that she only put her arm around Addison that one time because she thought she was going to cry over missing Derek.

And so that she could whisper to her "thank-you" for not squealing on them to the chief when they stole that patient from the psych floor and made Meredith flirt with the stupid boy-psychiatrist just because she lost at rock-paper-scissors.

And Cristina nods and accepts this and says to Meredith "Thanks, for telling Addison thanks for not ratting us out" she says genuinely, even if she sort of knew it was a non-issue with Addison.

"You're welcome" Meredith grins at her again.

"So what are you thinking now about this whole 'mystery man thing' Cristina asks ploddingly.

"Well, I have these fantasies that he's gonna be like, Australian, or Italian, or Irish" Meredith says to her.

"Don't you like- speak a bit of Italian" Cristina says to her.

"Yeah I took it in college," says Meredith.

"Can I ask you something, Meredith?" Cristina says softly.

"Sure go ahead" Meredith answers, wondering what Cristina would have to ask her permission to ask her.

"Did you ever like, kiss a girl, like in college?" Cristina tries to act casually.

"Yeah did you?" Meredith answers without hesitation.

"Sometimes, mostly when I wasn't sober but sometimes when I was. I'm like vaguely somewhere on that spectrum" Cristina shrugs like it's no big deal.

"Why are you asking me this all the sudden? Is it because you wouldn't wanna sleep-over if you knew I slept with women" Meredith asks her, and Cristina can tell she's about to cry.

"OH GOD NO MER! DON'T CRY" she says quickly. "I have no problem with it, I promise and of course I'll still sleep-over. I just wanted to ask you because I once dated a woman and just didn't want to feel all alone" Cristina says, actually honestly.

She had been with women in college, as well as some of her male professors. And it was something she accepted and was open to. She didn't have any active crushes on anyone right now really.

She had once thought that nurse Olivia was hot, but after the George-Alex-Syphilis incident, she didn't really want to go there with her. Plus she was really into Burke these days.

"Glad you're still my best friend," says Mer.

"Always," says Cristina.

"So you know, I don't think of YOU that way Cristina," Meredith says clearly. "You're my best friend and soulmate and twisted sister and partner in crime and my PERSON.

"But I don't wanna date you, not because you're not hot and all just because I would never wanna wreck what we have together you know?"

"I'm a bit of a mess in relationships and you deserve better than me. I need someone stable. And I'm kinda hung up on this mystery man right now, plus Derek." Meredith says.

"It's okay Mer, I wouldn't wanna date you either. You're really beautiful but just not for me. And I have a thing for Burke and you know it. By the way, how is he?" Cristina asks her.

"Seems moody," Meredith says. "He doesn't talk to me 'cause I'm besties with you," she says.

"Sounds about right," Cristina says. "Thanks anyhow," she says.

"Good luck Cristina. Thanks for calming me down. I was freaking the hell out about this mystery man and my key. I think I'm going to take a hot shower now. Bye" Meredith says.

"See you later, twin" Cristina hangs up the phone and sighs.

She knows a whole heck of a lot more than she used to know now.

And she knows just who she wants to text about it, too.

Downstairs in Meredith's household, Izzie and George and Alex were all hanging out. They moved from the kitchen after dinner and Mer had left to call Cristina in a panic then shower.

They watched old surgery tapes of Ellis Grey they could find and they made bets with each other about this 'mystery pregnancy' patient of theirs. Currently, the wager was at $100.

George and Alex were distracted because they thought that they'd seen glimpses of a really hot girl go by the house earlier that was all wrapped up with a scarf over her face.

They were talking about how hot a body she had but that she was weirdly snooping around their front porch looking for a mailbox before she bent over and inspected their doormat and left.

Izzie, only half paying attention to this conversation, vaguely wonders if this has anything to do with the fact that Addison had earlier been fidgeting with a familiar-looking key on her ring.

But she decided against mentioning this because the last thing that Izzie wanted was for anyone to think that she had some weird obsession with their boss or that she thought she was hot.

Plus, she wasn't even sure if what she saw was true, nor if what the boys said they saw was true. For all, they know they could be saying "I saw what I saw" just to one-up each other.

Text Message, Time 19:02, Location, Seattle.

CRISTINA YANG TO NEW CONTACT - ADDISON FORBES MONTGOMERY.

CRISTINA

[ SO I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE FROM URGENT CALL FROM MEREDITH GREY TELLING ME THAT SHE GOT HER KEY BACK FROM HER MYSTERY MAN. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF MS. RULER-OF-ALL-THAT-IS-EVIL?]

ADDISON

[Where did she find it? And how do you even know my number?]

CRISTINA

[Your number was on your charts. The piece I stole. Remember? The one I am holding hostage as proof of your writing that matches your note writing that proves you are Meredith's 'mystery man'. That one. It had a phone number typed on the bottom of it and I thought I'd give it a shot.]

ADDISON

[DID YOU TEXT THE OTHER PHONE NUMBER ON IT. And where did she find her key?]

CRISTINA

[No, why? And she found it where you left it I imagine.]

ADDISON

[The other phone number is the one for my office. So if you texted that one first I would have had your above text on my work voicemail and that is NOT exactly something I would like to have beeping for the chief of surgery to walk by and hear.]

[And I left it under the mat on her doorstep is that what she told you?]

CRISTINA

[Oh, sorry. Chill. It didn't happen. I texted only this number first. And yes she said it was under the doormat which she tripped over and almost fell when she found it. If she injured herself trying to get in her door and had to miss work she could sue you. You're lucky.]

ADDISON

[Why is it then, that somehow, I don't feel so lucky right now? Also don't give my number to your friends, please. I am your ATTENDING.]

CRISTINA

[Do you not feel lucky because you are not GETTING LUCKY? ;) . Just sayin']

ADDISON

[CRISTINA YANG THIS IS SO INAPPROPRIATE I AM NOT HAVING THAT CONVERSATION WITH YOU.]

CRISTINA

[I'll take that as a hard "YES" then. A yes that you're not feeling so lucky right now, because of the "NO" that you're not getting any lately.]

ADDISON

[WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE.]

Addison is feeling completely annoyed at this intern's lack of discretion. And also at the complete and utter accuracy of her statements. God, Addison needed to get laid. If she had someone to get laid with she'd have them shove her up against the wall of this godforsaken hotel room and make out with her roughly till she caved and shoved their fingers into her.

CRISTINA

[If you were getting laid, Addison, you wouldn't be texting your intern from your hotel room, you'd be banging them against the wall in said hotel room.]

Now that's just scary, just how good a read Cristina is, Addison thinks to herself.

ADDISON

[CRISTINA I AM WARNING YOU.]

CRISTINA

[What are you going to do? Show the chief all your texts? Then he'd be reading the ones about your sexual frustrations along with your secret 'mystery man' lesbian lover dual identity.]

ADDISON

[I AM NOT A LESBIAN.]

CRISTINA

[Well, if you ever wanna find out if you swing that way I can recommend some great internet apps out there to you. There's Grindr but that's only for boys and there's Her the app which is only for girls and then there's Tinder and that's out there for everyone. So if you ask me, I'd say go for Tinder. Or try them all at once and see if that's working for ya]

ADDISON

[Cristina, I AM MARRIED .]

CRISTINA

[Didn't stop you from going to the bar all alone before. Plus I mean everyone who's anyone knows that you're getting a divorce like, tomorrow. If you think that your voice is quiet when you are yelling at Derek I am sorry but you are sorely mistaken]

ADDISON

[I AM NOT GOING ON ANY DATING APPS I AM STILL MARRIED]

CRISTINA

[Well when you're not, you can just look them up then. Or you can save yourself the trouble and just go hit on your dark and twisty intern crush who you've been spending all your time with that 'not pregnant patient' and stalking with snacks and sodas.]

ADDISON

[THOSE SNACKS WERE FOR EVERYONE. AND GREY WAS WORKING ON THE CASE SAME AS YOU. I WAS WITH HER TO GIVE HER A BREAK BECAUSE I FELT BAD FOR HER ENDING UP BREAKING UP WITH DEREK WHEN I SHOWED UP IN SEATTLE.]

CRISTINA

[Dude, that's like the gayest thing you've ever said.]

ADDISON

[Ugh, whatever just because it sounds gay to eat snacks apparently it doesn't mean I actually am gay in any way shape or form. And I DO NOT have a thing for GREY.]

CRISTINA

[Feeling bad for your ex-husband's ex-mistress, feeding her snacks and soda while wrapping your arm around her waist, hanging out in a mystery patient's room, carrying her into her house, leaving her a note and then NOT telling her the note was from you are the things that are gay, Addison.

[Snacks are just an Addison-shaped symptom, which I am grateful for because they were delicious, by the way. But yeah they are the symptom, and not the cause. And they're not exclusive to gays either.]

ADDISON

[She was beaten up pretty badly by my idiot ex-husband. It was a girl-code thing. Solidarity against the Derek of the world. She called it the 'people who dated Derek and now life sucks' club.

CRISTINA

[If you have your own private club name then I take back everything I just said. You're already dating apparently and you're basically going to move in with each other next week due to lesbian U-HAULING. Good for you, I bet that the hotel gets expensive, not that you care because you're like a billionaire. Just promise me this; that when having sex with my best friend that you close the door and don't make me watch. Because I don't need to see my best friend getting naked with my boss in her bed.]

ADDISON

[WE ARE NOT A COUPLE FOR THE LAST TIME CRISTINA.]

Addison does her very best to erase the images of a naked Meredith Grey in her bed hat just flushed through her mind. And she'd like to say that she was succeeding but mostly she was just making things worse.

CRISTINA

[OOPS, Hit a nerve.]

[Well, anyways, if you do wanna consider going out with her later once you get over your gay panic, there's that neat little Vietnamese place on Bank Street she likes. I personally hate Vietnamese, despite being slightly Korean, so it would be a huge favor for me if you take her there instead so she'll stop bugging me.]

ADDISON

[I AM NOT TAKING MEREDITH OUT TO DINNER SO YOU CAN STOP SENDING ME RECOMMENDATIONS YANG.]

CRISTINA

[But I bet you'd like it if she begged you ;) ]

[Think of it as a favor, it's not like you lived here long. Try it out for yourself. Maybe you'll love it or maybe you'll hate it and we can dislike it mutually.]

ADDISON

[I'm not answering any of that. And I'm not taking your bullshit anymore Cristina, it's getting late and we both still have work tomorrow so if you're not going to tell me why you really started texting me then I'm going to stop replying. I do have other things on a weekday night you know.]

CRISTINA

[Ok, fine if you're going to get all hot and bothered about it I'll stop sending you date night suggestions.]

[And if you want me to keep all of this AND the other night AND the note all to myself then you're going to have to up the ante on my deal.]

ADDISON

[You're already on the 'pregnant person as well as the two pylorics' with me that's all I even have right now as a caseload, Yang. I'm sorry but I don't have anything else to give you]

CRISTINA

[Still, you could maybe perhaps put in a good word for me with Doctor Preston Burke for me? He's still mad about the whole not telling him I was pregnant thing and I still sort of miss him. Professionally, I mean. I want in on some cardio crap. So can you give a good word to Burke about me and then I can say that we're even?]

ADDISON

[Cristina this blackmailing is getting to be a tad bit ridiculous you do know that, right?]

CRISTINA

[WELL HELLO THERE, POT, MEET KETTLE! You're the one who insists it's no big deal at all that you took Doctor Grey home one evening after having drunken conversations about how you both hate your mutual ex. So you left her a note and she wants to know who it is. It's not like you did anything you could regret so why do you even care not to tell her.]

[Normally I wouldn't be nice enough to tell you you should get rid of the one thing I can hold over your head but I think you're starting to lose it, Doctor Montgomery, and I really don't want to miss out on any more of your cool medicine just because you're having a severe mental crisis.]

ADDISON

[Well it's good to know what I deeply and truly mean to you, Yang. But seriously I'll take it. I'll tell Doctor Burke to consider you for the next big cardio procedure if you can keep your damn mouth shut to Meredith until I can figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be telling her.]

Addison is frantically typing with her fingers now because not only is she infuriated with the young intern, she's infuriated with herself because she both can't bring herself tell Meredith and can't shake these favors she's doing for Cristina and she can't crack this stupid 'pregnant man' case even with the help of - ALL. OF. BAILEY's. INTERNS. So yes, Addison is furious.

CRISTINA

[See you tomorrow, Doctor Montgomery-Nothing. I will thank you for those sick and diseased hearts when I see them. I won't give your number to friends or total strangers. And about your stupid little note and your stupid little night with my best friend, you know my lips sealed. I know.]

Cristina thinks that this is going to be the end of teasing Addison tonight because she'd already gotten what she wanted so she shrugs. But before she knows it, her phone lights up again and Cristina reads it.

ADDISON

[YOU ARE ONE TWISTED SISTER CRISTINA, WISHING FOR ACTUAL HEART TRAUMA.]

She answers her quickly, not expecting a reply. But one comes to her anyhow.

CRISTINA

[NOT AS TWISTED AS YOU, DOCTOR NOT MRS. McDREAMY. BUT I AM A 'TWISTED SISTER' NO LESS. ME AND MEREDITH ALREADY STOLE TWISTED SISTERS SO YOU TWO NEED TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING ELSE TO CALL YOURSELVES]

Christina types to her in ALL CAPS.

ADDISON

[THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON BETWEEN ME AND GREY. WE DON'T NEED A NICKNAME OR A SHIP NAME OR A COUPLE CONTEST OR FOR YOU TO TALK ABOUT HOW MEREDITH SUGGESTED TEAM 'Slept with Derek so now life sucks' club' BECAUSE SHE WAS DRUNK AND DOESN'T REMEMBER ANY OF THAT ANYWAY. SO GET OUT OF MY PHONE IT'S GETTING WAY TOO LATE TO BE UP TALKING TO YOU ABOUT THIS]

Addison replies in all caps. She lets the "Doctor-Not-Mrs.-McDreamy" part slide because she's almost proud of that one anyway because it separates her from Derek. And besides of which, she can only pick at one battle at once.

CRISTINA

[WHATEVER YOU SAY, DOCTOR SO-McHOT-FOR-HER. I NEVER SAID A DAMN THING ABOUT SHIP NAMES WHICH I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW HOW YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT TERM. NOR MENTIONED A COUPLE CONTEST. ME AND MER ARE TWISTED SISTERS AND WE ARE NOTHING MORE THAN BEST FRIENDS AND ALWAYS WILL BE. YOU SET YOURSELF UP TO FALL INTO THAT ONE ALL ON YOUR OWN. SO THINK ABOUT THAT WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO PIN ALL OF YOUR CRISES ON DOCTOR CRISTINA.

ADDISON

[OK, But seriously, before you go you need to change your contact for me in your phone because I don't need people to read these messages over your shoulder and know it was me, nor do I need them to know you even have my number. So change it or no surgeries for you.]

CRISTINA

[Got any preferences? Oh, and BTW you better change me in your contacts to be "Cardio Goddess" because I sure as hell will be and you can't let people know you have an intern on your phone anyhow. Show me a screenshot to prove it.]

ADDISON

[Done. Here's a photo.]

*** IMAGE MESSAGE TO CARDIO GODDESS OUTGOING ***

*** IMAGE MESSAGE FROM ADDISON FORBES MONTGOMERY INCOMING ***

CRISTINA

[Looking good. Like I said any suggestions for your super-secret pseudonym?]

ADDISON

[Skippy Gold.]

CRISTINA

[WHO is SKIPPY GOLD to you?]

ADDISON

[High School Prom Date. Fellow Band Geek Member. Star Wars Fan.]

CRISTINA

[Man or Woman?]

ADDISON

[SKIPPY GOLD IS A BOY CRISTINA YOU ARE GRASPING AT NOTHING HERE. NOW SEND ME THE DAMN SCREENSHOT OF YOUR CONTACT OF ME SO WE CAN END THIS CONVERSATION AND GO TO BED AND GO TO SLEEP LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE WHO ARE NORMAL CO-WORKERS AT A NORMAL HOSPITAL AND NOT AT IRONICALLY-NAMED GRACE, BECAUSE THIS SURE AS HELL IS NOT A GRACEFUL TRANSITION FOR ME.]

*** IMAGE MESSAGE TO SKIPPY GOLD OUTGOING ***

*** IMAGE MESSAGE FROM CARDIO GODDESS INCOMING ***

Addison only goes wide-eyed and sighs when she sees what popped up on her screen. It's a gorgeously framed photo of Meredith Grey wearing nothing but a skimpy sundress and a beautiful flowered necklace in front of a mirror.

She looks like she could be posing for the cover of a magazine if it weren't for the absence of any makeup at all - it must have been before she did any of that because her makeup tray is open on the counter in the picture.

She looks so naturally beautiful, in a humble and sweet kind of way and it positively kills Addison that Meredith would dress up that way for someone as unfortunate as her soon to be officially ex-husband, Derek. The thought made her roll her eyes inwardly at him.

Addison stares into the Intern's blue eyes through her phone and she wonders what Meredith was thinking when she was getting all dolled up for him. Was she thinking they'd be together happily ever after? Was she thinking she was going to get together with him?

Good lord, she wonders if Meredith was thinking about sleeping with him while Cristina was taking that picture. Surely they were best friends they'd talked about that stuff. And the image it conjures in Addison's mind of Meredith being held on by Derek just repulses her further.

She says to herself it's because it's her Derek. And because he had no business being such a stupid pig and an ass to her. And she says that she thinks that lots of women are beautiful and that doesn't have much to do with being gay. Everyone likes other women's looks, she thinks.

*** IMAGE MESSAGE TO SKIPPY GOLD OUTGOING ***

*** IMAGE MESSAGE FROM CARDIO GODDESS INCOMING ***

And Addison's train of thought is completely interrupted by another image popping up on her screen. It's the photo proof of Cristina's contacts having changed her pseudonym for her number to be labeled as "Skippy Gold." She kicks herself mentally for almost forgetting.

CRISTINA

[Sorry I sent the wrong one by mistake. I hope you secretly enjoy this cute picture of Meredith that I took when she was getting ready for a date with Derek a while back. Hey if you get over your self-loathing and self-denial you can always look at it when you wanna have a good time. ]

[Goodnight]

ADDISON

[Night Cristina. And stop calling me Addison. It's Doctor Montgomery to you...]

CRISTINA

[Goodnight Doctor Montgomery, sweet dreams ;) ]

Addison sighs at the wink and decides that nothing at all productive and nothing good for her is going to come of texting Cristina back even more after all of the mischief and teasing.

She wants to start looking at the phone again at that picture of Meredith, but she didn't want to prove Cristina right that she was enjoying the fact that she'd sent that picture by accident.

So she puts down her phone with a slam and pours herself a drink and settles into the tub. Sleeping soundly tonight was going to be one hell of a hard day's night.

When Addison finally falls asleep after enjoying a long and hot bath,

She hopes for a sound, soothing and dreamless sleep.

She just wants to fade away from all of this drama and all of this intrigue.

But just her luck because the universe wants to throw her a new one.

All Addison dreams about that stupid key.

And how even though she's sure that Meredith has safely found it,

She can't help but wonder what might have been or what might have happened,

If someone else had found it there first instead of Meredith herself.

And how much she seemed to care that no harm would come to this young Grey girl.

*****END OF CHAPTER 10.

Chapter Text

Chapter 11: Break On Through, Part One

“Never have I everrrrrr-”  The ‘pregnant man’ begins, and the Interns grin widely before looking expectantly at a certain redhead Attending. 

“Dude, sweet! I love this game!” says Alex Karev.

“I’ll play, I’m so going to beat you though, Alex,” says George O’Malley.

“I’m going to beat all of you” Alex replies with a gruff.

“IN YOUR DREAMS, EVIL SPAWN”  Huffs Cristina in annoyance.

“Ooh, does Alex have all kinds of secret pain” Izzie teases.

“Well I’ve never played this game without any tequila before but I guess we can’t let’s all go to the bar right now, can we” Meredith nods.

“Come on Doctor Boss” The ‘pregnant man’ begs at Addison with puppy dog eyes. The results of my labs are going to take hours to come in, this way you keep me in a good mood and keep me company, and let’s be real if this is cancer then we know I’m dying. 

My partner died in an accident a few years back and I’ve been alone ever since. This is my dying wish for my doctors to play a little game with me. Can you do that?” he pleads.

“I’d like to reassure you that we’re doing everything we can to make sure you’re not ACTUALLY dying,” Addison says with a raise of her eyebrows. 

Addison’s first thought is that if he makes HER play TOO that she might reveal something that is a little too incriminating for her students to respect her ever again.

But the interns are looking at her with a look of concern, rather than just pure amusement. 

And silently, Addison realizes that they might be right. That this might be one of this man’s last good days if it IS cancer, and she doesn’t want to take that away from him.

She also thinks to herself this could both be a way to find out a whole lot more about her headfuck breakfast club that is Bailey’s group of Interns. Who she’s trying to win over.

“Alright just for a little while” Addison finally acquiesced. But not because you’re dying, but because I’m being supportive and compassionate. As your Doctor” she says with a smile.

And the look of pure joy and whimsy on all the interns faces when she says “yes”, just might make it all worth it already. 

“You’re the COOLEST, Doctor Montgomery” Meredith gushes to her with a genuine smile.

And Addison can’t help but bite the corner of her lips and blush just the teeniest bit at the compliment. 

No one notices this though-

(except for Cristina, who seems to always have her eyes firmly locked to Addison’s face whenever she talks to Meredith). 

(except for Meredith herself, who is inordinately pleased that she’s managed to give Doctor Montgomery a flash of happiness).

And the game begins to go on when the ‘pregnant man-patient- begins to raise all of his ten fingers in the air and ask them his first question.

“Never have I ever” he begins again, motioning for the others to show all their hands as well. “Never have I ever kissed a girl” he smirks lightly, mostly at Izzie, as he explains to them all that he’s queerer than a three-dollar-bill.

He guessed correctly about Izzie, because Izzie sheepishly puts down her thumb in annoyance. “Ugh, it was just a few dozen drunk makeouts at a frat party” she explained to the room. 

“Dude , that’s awesome ” Alex Karev doesn’t even seem to mind when he has to put his thumb down too. 

George looks up at Izzie then shifts uncomfortably, as he puts down his thumb too, clearly enjoying the thought. 

Cristina and Meredith both laugh with each other and say “College” in relevance to their phone conversation just the previous night as they put their thumbs down.

And even as Cristina is laughing, she can’t help but smirk at Addison, who is biting her lip even harder trying not to picture Meredith “in College” as sweeping images of lusty, naughty makeout sessions are flooding her imagination right now and flustering her more. 

Once they are both done laughing, everyone in the room now - especially Meredith and Cristina - are looking at Addison expectantly but none of her fingers budge at all.

“What?” she asks them honestly. She wasn’t actually lying, she had not ever kissed a woman before. Ever. 

“Wait where did YOU go to college? Were you the only woman THERE???” blurts out Izzie.

“I went to Yale for my undergrad, Columbia for med school” Addison answers simply. 

“And what kind of parties did you not get invited to then?” Cristina taunts her. 

“Hey, I was FUN! It’s just that I was never in a sorority. I was really serious about studies, and Derek, Mark, Sam and Naomi were all really close friends at the time and so we mostly just partied together at one of our apartments” Addison explained.

“So you and Naomi never…” Meredith trails off but her question is heavily implied. 

The flash of relief that washes through Meredith’s eyes is not lost on Cristina who is watching Meredith look at Addison as she starts to answer. This only makes Cristina smirk even wider.

And as Addison looks at them all, but mostly to Meredith (just because she’s the one who asked her that question, right…) she just says ‘no me and Naomi were never like that. We were both in relationships almost as soon as we met. We were happy back then, in the relationships, I mean… Addison trails off in a sigh of nostalgia. 

And she immediately regrets saying this because the brief look of pain that overtakes Meredith when she said she used to be happy while dating Derek makes her hurt more. 

But she misinterprets the meaning of that pain because when Meredith finally answers, she says to HER, “I’m sorry, Addison, again. I’m sorry.” and looks down.  

Addison thought that she was going to be upset about hearing about her and Derek’s good past but clearly she has been preoccupied in blaming herself for Addison’s divorce.

“Hey- Hey look at me Meredith” Addison says to her as Addison automatically places a hand on Meredith’s shoulder to soothe her. 

“Derek and I were over long before Seattle and long before you” Addison speaks softly. “We were over before I ever cheated on him with Mark. He was never home, I felt unwanted and I was looking for his attention in all the wrong ways. We were never going to work out anyhow”.

“You really don’t think it was all because of me?” Meredith looks up at her, a tear running all down her face. 

“Oh, no Meredith. It wasn’t all because of you. I was angry at Derek when I showed up and he had a girlfriend. But I wasn’t mad at YOU. You really didn’t know. He never told you - that’s on him” she says as she moves her hand to Meredith’s cheek to brush away all of her tears.

“Thank you Addison” Meredith says, using her first name for the first time since the night at the bar that she doesn’t remember. 

“I needed to hear that. I needed to know that. From you” Meredith looks up tenderly. 

“I’m sorry you never learned that sooner” Addison says, looking into Meredith’s eyes,

As Cristina sighs a sigh of exasperation because of the irony of the fact that Addison has probably told her that at least twice already while she was drunk,

And Addison shoots Cristina a harsh glare over Meredith’s shoulder, as she says “come here, girl” to Meredith as she pulls her in for a tight hug.

Meredith sobs a bit, but not as much as she had at the bar (because she is SOBER right now, of course, and she hadn’t JUST been abandoned by her McDreamy). 

And Addison holds her tight to her chest until she finally sinks in and nestles her head onto Addison’s shoulder, and Addison rubs aimless circles on her back and on her arms to help calm Meredith down. 

“It’s going to be okay, Addison,” Meredith says to her softly. “I thought that was supposed to be my line in this situation” Meredith only laughs as Addison does too. And they hold on tightly. 

“ Thank you , Addison” Meredith finally says to her, as she pulls away from her embrace and moves to sit back on her own chair again. 

And there’s a certain WEIGHT to her declaration of gratitude. A certain weight that has Addison flashing back to Meredith saying “Thank You” to her in the bathroom at Joe’s, off of Addison’s compliment but meaning to say it for all of Addison’s company. 

And as Addison shifts over to sit back into her own chair fully again, she has a brief sense of loss that the warm contact with the blonde intern had brought her. 

And she’s wondering, idly, if she’ll ever have a genuine reason to hug Meredith Grey again.

And Addison can tell now that she’s a million miles away because she snaps herself out of it before Meredith has the chance to read all of her cards right off of her face. 

And she sighs and Meredith smiles contentedly, as if the weight of the world had been lifted right off of her shoulders.

And Cristina is smiling at Addison now, while she also takes Meredith’s hand into her own to offer her some support. She’s smiling at Addison without the traces of a telltale smirk.

As if she were trying to send a telepathic message to her, as if Cristina is trying to tell Addison a silent “Thank-You” too, a “Thank-You” for helping out my friend again. For taking care of her. For telling her it’s not her fault. For telling her it’s going to be okay. For taking some of her pain away”...

And Addison chances one last look up at Meredith, who is tracing circles around Cristina’s hand with her thumb as she looks back up at Addison again. And says with a sudden force of determination. 

“No offense, Addison” she begins without stopping. “But your soon to be ex-husband is sort of an ass” Meredith finishes boldly. 

And there could be no more perfect statement that would bring Addison tumbling into tears from her fit of laughter that followed as she tries to squeeze out 

“None taken, Meredith, because he so IS!”. 

And once Meredith had joined in, the rest of the room felt comfortable following in their footsteps and laughing all along with them. 

And if the moment could not have gotten at all more perfect than it already had been, 

Derek, with the epitome of bad (or good, depending on who you were in this situation) timing, 

Decides to open the door right then and there to walk into a room full of doctors plus their patient all laughing hysterically at his own expense, unbeknownst to him. 

“They’re laughing at all the fake baby names we’re making up for my belly”

It’s the ‘pregnant-man-patient” who ends up saving all of their asses from total destruction.

“Oh, that IS funny” Derek says, flashing his trademark McDreamy smile along with a giggle. 

“What’s winning so far?” he asks genuinely, wanting to be a part of the jokes as well.

“Well we were thinking maybe McBaby,” Alex says without missing a beat. 

“Or maybe McBiggie, because look at that thing it’s just got to be HUGE” George follows along.

“I think I might call it McBigMac” the patient guffaws. “Who knows maybe it’s all my incessant eating that’s just given me this big belly” he laughs as he pats his stomach, making a joke at his own expense. 

And it makes all of them appreciate him so, so much more, as the patient who adds to their lives in a meaningful way. 

“McJesus” Izzie exclaims to them. “Look, we know it’s like a miraculous virgin birth,” Izzies says. And the full context of why this is so funny is lost on Derek who had not been there when the patient had admitted he had never, ever, kissed a woman in his life. But still, Derek laughs along anyhow. 

“How about McMedicalMystery?” Cristina says enthusiastically. 

“That’s like way too many names it’s like, WAY too long” Meredith exclaims to her, eyes crinkling as she admonishes Cristina in a joking manner. 

And Addison cannot help but flashback to the time that Meredith had drunkenly said the same thing to her . And how she’d just about had a fit when she told the girl that her name used to be “Doctor Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd”. 

But neither Meredith has the memory at the surface to share that moment with her again, nor had she actually told Cristina that particular tidbit of information, so Addison was in the clear for anyone finding out after her smiling at the way Meredith said that.

But Addison was also feeling just a bit lonely that she was missing out here on a chance to have had a pretty funny inside joke, to share along with just Meredith.

And speaking of Meredith, her contribution after studying the patient again is “McTeacher” she says with a dignified smile. “Because no matter what happens today, whether it’s really a baby or not, I learned more from this case than any others so far,” she says thoughtfully.

And the indirect compliment takes a long time to register in Addison’s mind, but once it finally does, she likes to think to herself that Meredith was implicitly calling HER the McTeacher. And that she’s the last one of Bailey’s interns to have finally, finally realized how unimportant it was to them to keep hating her. 

“You know if we get this thing out of me, I’m going to call it my McMiracle after you miracle workers” the patient adds into their joking again. But this time he’s genuine about all of his sentiment. And it reminds them how far they still have to go before they break on through to their solution.

“What do you think, Addie?” Derek calls her by her nickname, snapping her out of her reverie and to that Addison shoots Derek a very mean look as she glares at him. 

“I think it should be McMistake if it is a girl, and McBastard, if it’s a boy” Addison, shoots at him a little harsher than he would have liked. “I’m saying this because it’s clearly been causing our patient some serious pain right now,” Addison says to him with a frown. 

She’s making a reference to the interns right now, about how she knows that they call Derek McBastard behind his back and she’s basically insulting her soon to be ex-husband right in front of them. 

And it’s not the most professional thing she’s ever said, a far cry from it. But it shuts him up quick, and she thinks that the interns have earned it, that she’s earned it, and that he had it coming for him for bursting into the door and trying to be all McDreamy when he is calling her by a nickname she’s now only reserved for her best friends and he’s STILL staring at Meredith.

And Meredith is avoiding his gaze because she’s not really interested in his moves all right now, after what Addison said about his part in their breakup, and so she’s refusing to give Derek the satisfaction of laughing while looking at him at his joke. 

And the sight of that sort of makes Addison grin again, and soften at her edges from where she was mad before. And when Meredith finally does look up, it’s not at Derek but at Addison. And slowly but surely she’s starting to see why a man like Derek might fly across the country to try his best to get over from someone like Addison. 

Because from up close and personal, Addison-No-Longer-Shepherd, is really, really hard not to like. 

***END OF CHAPTER 11

Chapter Text

Chapter 12: Break On Through, Part Two

"Are we going to keep playing Never Have I Ever?" Alex Karev asks in a sort of whiny tone.

"Yeah, we only actually went like one round before everyone started to talk about other things and share stories and cry" George O'Malley says.

"But that's the best part of drinking games. Thinking about all the great stories we have to share with each other" Izzie explains to him.

"This room is like, vegas, right? Like what happens in this room stays in this room and we don't talk about it, right?

George says with a nervous glancing, which is funny because he's hardly said anything incriminating about himself yet and people wonder what he even has to hide.

"Yes, this room is like Vegas" Meredith confirms. "No one talks about it after to anyone. Ever."

"I, for one, can keep a hell of a good secret" Cristina Yang smirks widely.

She purposely doesn't even meet Addison's eyes to see that the redhead is nodding subconsciously at her assertion, so as not to raise Meredith's suspicion.

" Well I'm basically a goner anyhow," the 'pregnant patient' says to them all. "But if this is the last day of my life, it's happened in the blink of an eye but I wouldn't want to change a thing".

"You're not DYING" Addison confirms with a determined huff. "We like you too much to let you die NOW" she asserts, and the compassion that seeps into her voice is so deep and vulnerable that all the interns look up at her with a bit of a stare.

"I cannot BELIEVE I am involved with any of this" Derek Shepherd says as he walks by and possessively sits between Addison and Meredith, much to their mutual distaste.

So they decide to play one more round of "Never have I ever" so that they can go round and ask each other one question each.

Alex says "never has he ever kissed a boy" and everyone puts down a thumb, even O'Malley.

This makes Alex raise an eyebrow at him before George explains he was six and they laugh.

All the other interns put a finger down without hesitating. Addison sort of winces as she watches Meredith do this but hides it with a cough.

Derek also puts a finger down, and off the intern's shocked look, Addison says "We once had a three-way with Mark when we were drunk" and she shrugs.

It makes Meredith quirk her eyebrow up curiously at Derek, who is blushing furiously, and then finally at Addison, who she is looking to for an explanation.

Because ironically enough, if somewhere along the line Derek, Mark and Addison had all slept with each other at the same time, why had Addison's adultery with Mark from Derek even mattered at that point?

Sensing Meredith's and everyone's confusion, Addison went on to say "Derek didn't like it. The three-way, that is. He gets jealous." she concludes.

He gets jealous.

Addison rolls these words off the tip of her tongue.

Like she's lying even though she had been telling the truth.

She does not reveal to anyone, much to Derek Shepherd's pleading relief, that in that complete and intoxicated state he was in on that night at the Hampton's with his best friend and his wife, that it was not necessarily Mark he was jealous over for sleeping wither, that actually it had been Derek who got jealous of Addison, for sleeping with Mark.

Addison knew this, but knew better than to say anything to him at the time. Derek kept saying that he had been drunk and that he didn't remember. Didn't remember that he spent the night watching Mark make love to his wife, before he stepped in and had his best friend do the same to him.

And that Addison had spent most of the night watching her husband fall into bed with his male best friend, who was loving it too. And then the next morning they both claimed not to have remembered anything at all, just that they were never going to do this ever again.

No matter how much Addison tried to get either of them to talk about it, they didn't. Mark left her alone for a while. Derek started drinking more scotch than he saved. He started going to work earlier, coming home later.

Not wanting to have sex with her. And she could never confirm that it was because of that night he had spent having sex with her, then Mark Sloan because he refused to talk about it.

So he never came home anymore. He started to lose his temper more frequently. He got all possessive of her. She still loved him in a way, or wanted to try. But he was always angry.

And she was lonely that night in Brownstone. And Mark Sloan was there. And both of them were hurting. And Addison kissed Mark. And Mark kissed her back. And Addison throws off his coat to the floor before leading him into her bedroom.

And when Derek found them sleeping together hours later he left her out in the rain, before letting her in again and then walking away.

Derek never talked to Mark again. She never told Mark what she thought she knew.

She was going to. Addison had planned on asking him that night.

But it was the one night that Derek had come home early.

And it was the night that he left for Seattle, and never looked back.

And Addison has never told the whole story to anyone, ever.

And she swears that she probably never, ever will.

George says "never have I ever been married".

And that makes everyone groan because only Derek and Addison put down a finger and they already knew that already.

Derek twists his wedding ring in his hand, the one he's still wearing.

And Addison moves to do the same before she feels it's not there.

"I wish I could have gotten married," the pregnant patient says to the doctors.

"It's still not even legal here and I wanted to try, just to have a ceremony and rings and all that.

But we were on the way to our non-legal wedding when we got hit by a car" says the patient.

"I lived. He didn't," he says sadly.

"I'm sorry" Meredith is the first person to say this.

Meredith is always the first person to say that she's sorry.

And the empathy and compassion she displays never fails to make Addison's heart pull a little tighter each time.

There's a moment of reflection where everyone sits around again.

Before Izzie is offering them a new question to ponder.

"Never have I ever had sex in this hospital" Izzie Stevens smirked up at everyone.

God, she's almost as smug as Cristina, Addison rolls her eyes inwardly.

Alex proudly puts down his finger. George does as well.

The 'pregnant patient' does not, and everybody laughs at that.

Cristina does and everyone shrugs and Alex tries really hard not to say "Burke McBabies" so it comes out as a sort of a snort instead.

Meredith sighs when she puts one down as well, eyes flickering up to Derek then down again in shame.

Addison catches this and frowns a deep frown.

"You cheated on me with Mark in New York" Derek says, off her looking at his finger moving down, assuming she's angry because Meredith slept with him.

Only she's flaring in rage at a whole other thing, that she's mad because apparently-

Meredith was banging her ex-husband in the hospital no less and it makes her mad because a part of her wanted Meredith for herself.

Luckily for her, the rage is the same on the outside.

Because on the inside she's fuming at her subconscious like a cartoon character.

Addison is freaking the hell out because her brain had just told her that not only did she want Meredith Grey to herself, but apparently it was saying to her also that she wanted to screw her among the very floors of this HOSPITAL, no less.

Ugh, what a lifetime of working a surgeon does for one's knowledge of places to get laid at her workplace, Addison sighs inwardly to herself. She imagines how hot it would be to have Meredith fuck her, right in the open under the stairwell, or in the supply closets, or in the elevators, or in the scan rooms, or in the MRI lab, or the exam rooms, or the on-call rooms…

The list went on and on as she struggled to focus on the conversation that was going on around her about which intern slept with whom, and where. All she could think about was having Meredith Grey, back her against the wall of the Attendings lounge and tear all her clothes off.

Addison can feel her cheeks reddening and her core tightening. She was squeezing her long fingernails down into her fists before frowning (at herself). Luckily these signs were taken to others as signals she was annoyed, not turned on, in this situation.

When Addison pointedly doesn't put a finger down at that one and everyone is staring at her, yet again, and she mumbles something that sounded like a swear word before looking at Derek.

"Well it's not like you cared for me enough even to try" Addison says to him dryly.

"Because I'm apparently that entirely as appealing to you as a stranger" she lapsed again.

Derek mumbles something like a sorry at her but Addison looks away as he shrugs at her.

And Cristina does not fail to miss the relieved expression that Addison's face contorts to once she's certain that Derek was not going to propose in a porn-cliche-way for them to 'change that right now'.

Meredith glances up at Addison sort of sympathetically, as if she's trying to say to her again, I'm so, so sorry Addison for screwing your husband.

I really didn't know, and I know you forgive me but you just sort of found out that we screwed here right under your nose.

And so your life must kind of suck right now. And I'm sorry.

And it's the damnedest thing.

That Meredith Grey would be seeking her forgiveness or something right now as her own husband Derek didn't show even one ounce of remorse at his antics.

Addison lets a smile curl to the side of her mouth just for Meredith, to let her know she's not angry at her, at least not that angry.

She really didn't know so it's not fair to make her feel guilty for hooking up with who she believed was her own boyfriend at the time together.

And her heart warms and she stares just a little when she sees out of the corner of her eye,

Just small enough so no one else can see but her, but just wide enough that she can tell.

And she feels more than smug knowing that even though Derek is looking at Meredith,

That all of that smile is only for her.

She can feel it in her bones and in her veins.

With all of her fibers of her being.

She can feel Cristina smirking at her.

So she knows to drop her gaze into Meredith's eyes.

And smile at the floor instead.

And try like hell to wipe the shit-eating grin,

From creeping onto her face right now

And she thinks she has it handled.

Has it all under control.

She could keep this under control.

She could keep herself professional.

She could keep a secret still.

She could work alongside everyone.

Ahem, everyone, including Meredith.

She could try like hell not to go completely and utterly mad.

Because, still.

It IS maddening, to say the least.

For Addison.

To think.

That.

Again.

Meredith.

Meredith Grey!

Had given her ex-husband.

Something that she never knew that,

Never knew that she'd been wanting for so long,

Something she knew she'd keep wanting for. Like she's waiting.

For that something - that someone, to finally consider her, Addison Montgomery.

To be one of her options. And to give her one of those cheesy,

Adorable, young intern speeches that she'd already

Given Derek. One of those impulsively

Carefully worded speeches.

Pick Me. Choose me.

Love Me.

Love.

Addison,

Addison Montgomery.

Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery.

Was falling, so epically, so quickly, so terrifyingly, ridiculously,

She was falling like she would never see or feel the ground underneath her,

Never feel the comforting ground to lay upon and thank the earth for her solid footing again,

Never ever come back down to this earth because she was so immersed in the

Complete lack of oxygen that this fall had generated under her

Because from where she had started falling,

She never even knew, never ever,

Would ever know she was,

Falling in - what - like?

Falling, in Love?!

With HER?

For her?

In.

Love.

With

The One

And the Only,

Doctor Meredith Grey.

And she didn't know it quite then.

She couldn't put a finger to the feeling.

She would never be able to articulate much less ADMIT.

That she was falling so hard and so fast and so dangerously, so recklessly.

In love with her ex-husband's ex-mistress. Her Intern, her co-worker. Her maybe even friend.

And there was absolutely no way, no one, nothing anybody in the whole entire world

Could stop the oncoming train that was leaving the station.

It was leaving the station to take her for a ride.

She was into this woman like a train.

And like hell, did she want,

To go for a ride.

Addison.

Wanted.

Meredith.

She, she

*

**

Has Wanted Meredith.

*

*

*

She's wanted her.

*

*

*

*

*

Wants her.

*

*

*

*
*

FUCK.

*

*
*

*

*

*

" FUCK."

Addison realizes she's spoken that one word aloud. She was thinking of outrageously explicit images and thoughts about a certain lusty blonde intern.

Addison has absolutely no clue where they are in the conversation now.

So her swearing makes everyone snap to her in surprise.

And she flushes completely as she looks at them completely confused.

As they wonder what the hell that they said to make her

Swear like that so loud and so sharply,

In front of a PATIENT, no less.

"I agree"

The unlikely voice of Dr. Cristina Yang swoops in to save her.

"I'm all for switching to play "Truth or Dare" instead later, but I think that we should break now, says Cristina.

"I want to get some snacks before we start. Doctor Montgomery treated us last time." says Meredith.

"We should all go now and bring back some munchies and buy for her this time instead." says Izzie.

"What do you like to put into your mouth huh, Doctor Montgomery?" Christina asks and winks at her.

With her eyebrows arched so high they almost come off of her head.

"I mean something sweet? Something Salty? A mix of Both?" Cristina continues.

"Everyone has a guilty pleasure snack. I bet that yours is delicious" Cristina quips.

"Speak up Addison or I'll have to keep guessing. Somehow, I don't think I'm wrong" Cristina smirks.

It's devilish and dangerous how she tilts her voice on that one, and Addison is flicking her eyes,

Only for one split half-of-a-millisecond to Meredith Grey's body back to hers again.

Such a marginal gesture that not even Meredith quite catches it.

She's playing with fire right in front of everyone else.

She's milking it for all that it's worth.

And good hell is it working.

Because Addison,

Is speechless.

Can't

Figure out

Anything, ANYTHING

That would be work appropriate to say.

So she stutters something completely incoherent.

And looks up in Cristina's eyes in panic, as if silently begging for mercy,

Before Meredith Grey saves her again, telling her best friend: "She bought me some Cheetos."

"Why don't we get her a pack of those, and some gummies, and some chocolate, and a soda?"

Meredith says without any sense of double-entendre or euphemisms, at all.

And Cristina flashes her a last-minute wink before she leaves,

To pick up the snacks with all her intern friends,

And she's left nodding dumbly,

At Meredith's suggestion.

So that they'll leave.

So she can,

Stop.

For,

One freaking

Second in her panicking

Once again. As Derek,

Just looks at her,

Confused.

Before,

He,

Asks

Her to

Explain why

She agreed to Cristina.

And her suggestions about her snacks.

He looks up at her with a furrowed brow and she's

Completely and utterly horrified and terrified he'll find out what she's

Been thinking about all along. All her dirty thoughts and loaded secrets and exchanges.

But all she sees when she looks up at him with those big, wide round eyes.

It is a touch of compassion and sympathy and really more confusion.

So she asks him why he is staring at her like he's confused.

And Derek finally tells her why he is so confused.

At her acceptance of Cristina's snacks.

"Because," Derek says to her.

I do KNOW YOU.

You know.

I

Do.

I still remember.

I remember some things,

About you, we were together,

For eleven years.

So I know.

You.

I.

Know.

That.

You.

Hate.

Cheetos.

He concludes.

With a shudder from Addison.

When he tries to run his hand on her shoulder.

She bats his hand away from her indignantly so she can face him.

"I used to hate Cheetos when I was with you." she begins.

Beck then when we were married.

I hated Cheetos.

And now,

I like

Cheetos.

I like Cheetos and

I like other things that

I did not like, when I was with you.

People's tastes change, Derek, you know.

People change, their tastes change and their life changes.

I'm changing, I'm growing up, I'm learning, and I'm moving on from you.

So I don't need you to come in here and put your hand on my shoulder to tell me no Cheetos.

Because now that I'm free from you and our sham of a marriage, and that

I'm free from your hovering gaze and your nights you stayed away,

And your stupid trailer on that stupid piece of land.

With that house, you will never build.

Well, let me just tell you.

I will eat Cheetos.

Cheetos.

Yummy.

Mm.

I will, I will eat them.

I will eat them without you.

I will eat out all the damn Cheetos I please.

And I swear to you Derek, I swear to you over and over.

I will tell you that my God Damned stupid Cheetos, will be so fucking delicious.

And so much more satisfying than any other snack foods or meals,

That I have ever, or ever will, enjoy with Mark, or with You,

Or any other man from my past, ever again.

And with that, Addison walks away,

She says sorry to the patient.

She slams the door.

She leaves him.

Alone.

*

*

*

Alone, and without any Cheetos.

*

*

*

**

*****END OF CHAPTER 12

Chapter Text

Chapter 13: Break On Through, Part Three

“ Dear Meredith,

Thank you for the chats yesterday. I’m sorry I slammed the door on your face. You’re right, we can talk even if I am not a surgeon. I am a psychiatrist and if you ever want to talk again do not hesitate to visit me at the window. Have a good day and hello to your friends.

Ps. My name is Arthur. 

Thanks for the Memories.”

Meredith held the second note she had ever received from a mystery lover in her life.

She had found it in her locker in an envelope when she went for snacks.

And for some reason, she felt different about this one. 

First of all, Arthur signed his name to the note. 

And second of all, he’d blown her off,

And Meredith was confused.

Was this - HIM?

‘Mystery man’?

 They had both written the same line of “Thanks for the Memories. So could it be true?

Could the mystery be solved?

Could she finally know who had taken her home that night at the bar?

Meredith wanted to know the answer for real, but in all honesty she was feeling crushed.

She had pictured all of these beautiful exotic men to have been her potential suitor. 

And now that she had an idea, well, this person just didn’t seem so special to her.

Sure, Meredith had liked how she felt when she’d been seducing him for sport.

But she hadn’t even given him a second thought since her game. 

And she thought that HE knew that she was just putting on over him.

Was that what this was to HIM? Was SHE just a part of a twisted little game?

Was HE laughing with his friends about this wild goose chase with a mystery woman,

That he had been sending notes with “Thanks for the Memories” written on them.

Finally revealing his true crush on her after they’d talked?

Was he the guy from the bar who carried her home and didn’t try to take her clothes off?

(Was he the one who brought her the aspirin and water and fixed her plant-)

(Though, after she’d knocked that plant over, that it just REFUSED to be straight. )

(She had tied a literal pole in the flowerpot to try to straighten it.)

(But it had it’s own little way of remaining as queer as it’s shape and resisting.)

(So Meredith had given up on trying to fix her stupid potted plant, she accepted it.)

(And had watered it as it leaned just a little bit more sideways as each day passed again.)

But besides that, had he been the one to know she had work the next day?

Or had tucked her in so tightly like neither her parents nor Richard ever had?

Or that he’d known to lock the door behind him and sneak the key back to her?

All of these questions, the one that Meredith found the most pressing,

Was that if this was the same person as that night at the bar,

Then why would he sign this note here and not the other one?

Because they had talked and she had flirted with him?

Maybe, thought Meredith. 

Or maybe not. 

And either way, one thing that Meredith could say for certain,

Is that this note did not make her feel nearly as special as the one from the other night.

This one felt like it was offering her something only to be given something in return.

The note from the other night felt like it was offering something,

And that the ‘mystery person’ didn’t even want anything in return.

Or for her to know who the hell the mystery person is, or was, or whatever. 

Meredith didn’t know at all what to think about all of this. 

So she runs off with her note and with her three bags of Cheetos to go find her.

“Do you think it’s the same person?” Cristina asks her gently.

“I don’t know what to think,” says Meredith in frustration.

“Why do you think it might be your mystery man?” Cristina asks her.

“There was the same line at the bottom. Thanks for the Memories .”

Meredith says to her. 

“Anything else?” Cristina asks her.

“Well, he gave it to me when I wasn’t there,” says Meredith flatly.

“Well does the handwriting look at all the same to you?” Cristina asks her.

“I don’t KNOW that Cristina. How would I?” It was ages ago.

“I threw out that note after you had seen it and besides, we were both drunk,” Meredith says.

“I can’t write for the life of me when I am intoxicated, so how would it help at all?” she says. 

“True,” Cristina says. “You were drunk, the first night. And you’re both not, this time” she says.

“At least I hope to god not,” says Cristina. “Drinking at work would be such a hazard,” she says.

“WORK! That’s it!” Meredith says. 

“I’ll just ask this Arthur person what he was doing that night, and if his story matches-” 

“Well, then I will know. And if it doesn’t at all, then I guess I won’t know” Meredith gleams.

“Excellent detective skills” Cristina nods affirmatively. 

Cristina is glad that Meredith is going to figure out this part at least, on her own.

“Hey what is that?” Izzie Stevens comes up behind them to look. 

“Nothing” Meredith tries to hide it.

“Oh, come on. I was the one who stole the chart from Psychiatry for you” Izzie whines.

“Ah, you and me both,” Cristina says to her.

“Exactly,” says Izzie. “She should be showing you and me both” Izzie says.

“Alright,” Meredith concedes and shows Izzie. 

“Well do you like him?” Izzie asks her. 

“I don’t even know,” says Meredith giving Cristina a sympathetic look.

She doesn’t want to explain everything to Izzie, so she just shrugs and says “he’s ok”

Cristina shrugs back and says “she doesn’t know him they’ve only talked like once, probably” 

Meredith smiles a bit at that inside joke between them and says to Izzie

“It’s true. I’ve asked for things in psychiatry before but I never concentrated till now,” she says.

“Do you want to go see me flirt and try to get him to tell me about his lifestyle? She offers.

“Wouldn’t miss it!” says Izzie, as the three join arms and lead on the way.

Meanwhile, the ‘pregnant patient’ is getting restless, wanting the others to come back.

Alex and George have offered him snacks, but he can’t eat a thing. 

“If I have to have an operation I have to have a clean stomach,” he says. 

“Yeah that sucks man,” says Alex. “Do you want to smell the chocolate I got?” he offers.

And George just unwraps different gummies for him to smell too. 

And they decide that having lunch in the ‘pregnant patient’ room is the best. 

Derek and Addison are arguing over the labs they had ordered for the patient.

Addison had pushed a rush on them but they were not processed correctly.

When Derek tries to blame it all on her, she pushes back finally.

“You should have just let it be under Montgomery-Shepherd then we wouldn’t be here” he says.

“I don’t want to go by your name anymore,” Addison says to him.

“I’ve lived under your shadow long enough. I’m not Shadow-Shepherd or She-Shep anymore”

Their argument has caught the attention of Burke, Richard, and Bailey, 

And so they try to quiet down their squabble so they can save face at the hospital. 

When Meredith arrives at the window, the note tucked in her breast pocket he’s waiting.

Arthur the boy-psychiatrist is smirking up on her and it makes Meredith feel a bit slimy.

“Well hello there, young lady. Are you here to share with me all of your feelings?” he says.

“And what if I only want to talk to you about yours” Meredith quips right back at him.

“Well what would you want to know about me,” he asks her. “I’m an open book.”

“Well, I’d like to know first how you spend your nights after work,” Meredith asks. 

“Well, usually I go for a drink,” he says cryptically.

And Izzie is watching this all with interest.

While Cristina is watching it all with apprehension.

She knows the man is just one move away from revealing himself.

As being the NOT ‘mystery-not-man-person’ from Meredith’s life.

And Cristina is conflicted as to whether she’s going to be upset or relieved when that happens.

Because she sees the way Addison looks at and treats Meredith.

And she trusts her and that hasn’t changed.

But she hasn’t seen the same amount of enthusiasm coming from Meredith.

About her friendship towards Addison, she means.

And she has no doubt that Meredith would want to fall in love,

With this ‘mystery person’ of hers once she knows.

But what Cristina wonders is if Meredith would make the same choice on her own.

If she would have naturally gravitated towards potentially dating Addison Montgomery.

And she thinks that’s an important distinction to make, 

Because Addison still is their boss. She’s still and attending. And she’s still older.

Even without all their history, she knows better than anyone what dating your boss can be like.

Sure, Addison can’t exactly knock Meredith up with baby McTwisted. 

And she couldn’t be as big of a jackass that Derek Shepherd has been to Addison and Meredith

While dating each of them, respectively, though not at all distinctively at different times...

But It’s the preconceived illusion Meredith already has she could fall in love with, 

Her ‘mystery man’ or ‘mystery person’ fantasies coming true to being Addison and liking that,

Which wouldn’t be the same as liking, and knowing, then falling for real Addison, for real.

And she worries, (bout the whole Derek thing) thinking, even if Addison didn’t care for her ex,

And even if Meredith is completely over McDreamy, 

That even if Addison never speaks a word of their past to her ever again,

There’s still the whole Derek being a douchebag that Cristina concerns herself with.

And Meredith being closer to Addison would inevitably bring a jealous Derek around.

And Cristina sighs inwardly at having to walk Meredith through that. 

And lastly, what Cristina is worried about finally,

Is that Meredith very well could end up being the one breaking Addison’s heart.

Because Addison would treat her like a crown jewel and give her everything,

But Meredith could just feel obligated to like or love her or be friends or more,

Or be flirty and kind to her in a way that leads Addison on to too much, too fast.

Just because Addison was (is?) (could be) (would be) (will be?) her hero. 

And Cristina knows that Addison despises being a hero.

Because unlike Derek Shepherd, she’s actually humble in grace.

But even with the self-awareness that Addison has,

Meredith might not know how much Addison actually cares about her,

Not at least, before it’s too late that is. Because Addison still hides her affections,

The way she’s probably been wired to around Mark and Derek,

And Cristina can see just how much Addison is struggling with the whole-

“Liking a woman thing”. 

Like she’s actually having panic attacks in front of patients , panicking.

So it might not be clear just how fragile Addison was, or is, or could be in return.

And even Addison herself would probably never know this already about herself yet.

Not when the vulnerability she has built into her is centered uniquely upon Meredith, that is. 

Because Addison to the naked eye is prim and proper, a hotshot doctor who’s hot even, to boot.

She’s what every boy (or girl…) dreams of, she’s stylish, she’s sexy, she’s powerful yet gentle.

She’s the sort of enigma one wouldn't know unless looking at her the was Cristina does,

Like she’s trying to examine the crevices and the cracks in her armor, ones that can,

And potentially would be extremely painful if prodded and stabbed at the source.

Although Meredith would never hurt anyone on purpose, much less Addison,

Cristina worries that if she takes too long to feel good in an answer,

To fully commit to, or (in the off chance she doesn’t want to,) break away cleanly from Addison,

That Addison will either drive in too deep like a whore on tequila and try to drown herself, 

or run away completely back away to New York where she came from again.

Because you see, on the one half of the coin, she has plans, that if, it is

Addison who unfortunately ends up being the one to break Meredith’s heart,

Then Cristina already promised she’d kick the shit out of her entirely.

But if Meredith is the one to break Addison’s (heart, mind-body-spirit-entire existential existence)

Then Cristina’s all but sure that there isn’t anyone around her who cares to catch her.

And Cristina knows that it can't be her, to catch Addison,

Because she has to stand by Meredith no matter what. 

So Cristina hopes to dear life Meredith won’t hurt Addison,

Because she knows that Meredith will never, ever, forgive herself

If she finds out that she hurt her mystery lover/hero, even the teeniest bit, even by accident..

Izzie brushes into Cristina’s shoulder by accident, 

She bumps her as they both watch Meredith flirt and exchange.

It brings Cristina back into the reality,

As they watch as Meredith finally asks him what he was doing on Monday.

And as Arthur, the psychiatrist describes how he was working a shift the whole night,

And how yes, that he’s sure he never went by Joe’s or went drinking,

Cristina can feel her whole body tense as she sees Meredith’s face contort. 

Meredith’s expression changes from confusion to disappointment, to sadness,

To anger (for wasting her time) and eventually to acceptance.

She converses with him absently a bit longer,

To not seem suspicious.

And she pulls the note from him out of her pocket,

To ask how and why he put it there.

And as the psychiatrist boy-man continues to chatter,

Izzie can feel just how tense Cristina has gotten, and she reaches to take Cristina’s hand. 

Cristina accepts it, feeling the warm heat of Izzie’s fingers wrapped into her own.

And she takes comfort in the fact,

That no matter what happens, 

That Meredith still had more friends than her,

And that she, Cristina has someone else who’s reminding her now,

That she can lean on her too.

“He is so NOT” the one,” Meredith says in a huff, as they land back in the locker room alone.

She’s looking at Cristina first, to signal she’s talking about the ‘mystery person’ game.

Cristina nods slightly to accept this, as Izzie nods in a different understanding.

“I’m sorry Meredith,” Izzie Stevens says to her.

“I’m sorry if you wanted him to be someone date-worthy. 

I guess not everyone can be a McDreamy, now can they” Izzie sighs. 

And Cristina tries hard not to choke on her water when Izzie says this all so casually.

And Meredith only pulls at her lips with a slight smile. 

“I think I’m getting a bit NOT into McDreamy anymore anyway” she huffs loudly.

“At least not the Derek-shaped ones, anyhow” she huffs more.

And Cristina can’t help when a smile grows on her skin.

And she says to both Izzie and Meredith without a hint of a smirk.

“You know, boys are-” Cristina starts.

“Boys are just assholes” Izzie finishes her sentence for Cristina. 

“Boys are just stupid. Stupid boy-penisis. Stupid Boys” Meredith grunts. 

And all they can do is to laugh a good laugh at that one.

“We should play Truth or Dare,” says the ‘pregnant patient’ from his bed.

“Well you’re awfully cheerful” Addison offers “for someone whose labs I had lost in transition”

Derek nods as Addison takes the complete fall for the failure and doesn’t flinch at all-

Not even an inch when Addison frowns at him for not saying anything more than nothing.

“Fine” Derek pouts roughly. And the gruff voice appeals to no one now. 

“I’ll go first I’m not 007 anymore I am George who could operate on a heart in an elevator guy”

George says with confidence as he brags at his save with Doctor Burke and Richard,

The one he had had during their snack break.

Yes, during his snack break, George O’Malley plugged a hole in a patient’s aorta. 

And all he wanted to do now was sit here and play games with all of his friends.

And lord knows, he deserves it.  

the patient asks her as if it were his turn again.

And they let him because well, he really might be dying,

“Truth or Dare” asks the ‘pregnant man’ patiently. 

So they let him go on as if none of them had anything really to ask,

Because they actually didn’t. Not anything that any of them could.

Ask that is, or make someone do. Not in front of their boss, or in front of their interns.

At the very least when it was the patient who was calling the shots for the doctors,

They could always have said that it was out of their control.

“Truth” he picks confidently, as the ‘pregnant patient’ considers.

“Did you like kissing the boy?” he asks, thoughtful.

“Yeah, I think I really, really did,” George says to him without shame. 

And no one moves a muscle other than smiling at him proudly.

Because George O’Malley saved a heart in an elevator today,

But his coming out was even braver than every inch of all of that. 

“Izzie Stevens Truth or Dare” 

And Izzie ponders before saying “Truth”

And the patient asks Izzie to tell them about the type of women she used to kiss at parties.

“Long black curly hair, asian mostly, umm, not too short or too tall, good kissers”

She’s not lying, she’s not making anything up as she recalls.

And she glances very quickly at Cristina after answering with her eyes on the ceiling. 

And without turning her head at all, Cristina Yang sees the flicker of Izzie’s eyes.

And Meredith doesn’t notice Izzie’s glance upwards, just the clench of Cristina’s hand into hers. 

And this time it’s Addison catching Cristina being the one to bite her lip hard,

As the smallest tinge of blush spreads across her whole face. 

And if she were Cristina which she isn’t, she would feel the gloat of superiority washing in.

But she isn’t, and Addison doesn’t. Instead, she feels a smile coming on,

As she likes to imagine that Cristina Yang just might find her happiness someday soon also. 

Alex calls for a dare before the patient even asks him the question.

The patient guffaws at his forwardness and asks him to do a handstand upside-down. 

As he does this (while having Addison hold up his feet so he doesn’t kick anyone)

He has his eyes closed in effort so he doesn’t notice George O’Malley ogling his upper body.

And George keeps on Ogling it as Alex’s shirt rides up to his belly button.

And Addison mercifully tries to help keep it tucked in or tucked up or whatever,

but she doesn’t want to touch Alex’s pants accidentally or brush his hands across his chest.

So as the shirt rides up for the second time, all Alex says to everyone is

“Well, I hope you like the show ladies and gentleman” with a shit-eating grin.

“First one’s free, but you know kisses cost extra” he winks at no one. 

And all the tension in the room just seems to disappear as he giggles.

And when Cristina picks “Truth”, she smirks wider than a Cheshire cat at his suggestion.

“Read out the last 6 people you text messaged to and say in three words what you talked about”

So Cristina pulls out her phone and pauses dramatically before she speaks. 

1 - George O’Malley, “Heart In Elevator”

And George grins even wider at that one. 

2 - Preston Burke, “Are we Over?”

Cristina sort of winces at that one. And she answers everyone’s question before they ask it. 

She just says to them “I texted him yes, by the way” before continuing on down the list.

3 - Meredith Grey, “Is Psychiatry Sexy?” 

Izzie and Meredith laugh at their inside joke for this one. 

And Cristina laughs loudly as she catches Addison glare at her for encouraging it.

 And then Meredith answers to everyone (not just Addison, though it feels that way)

“Turns out that it really isn’t for me” as she laughs. 

She pulls out the note from Arthur she had been holding earlier and said

“He wrote to me thanks for the memories, but I have no good memories of him. So I said no”

And Addison almost has a stroke at the familiar phrasing,

Noticing the coincidence of the words they both used in a note,

As she panics and wonders if Cristina let anything slip,

Or if it triggered some deep-seated memory to re-surface itself at this time.

But she sits back down relaxed in her seat again when Cristina says,

“Nope, it’s definitely a NO to that question” right to Addison in subtext.

4. Alex Karev, “Where is X-Rays

“He got lost”, Cristina said simply. 

“I was NOT,” says Alex insistently.

“You were in the basement .” she begins.

“You passed the morgue on your way past the billing ” she laughs.

5. Izzie Stevens “Chocolate, Vanilla or Strawberry”

“She was at the grocery store and wanted to know if I wanted some ice cream,” Cristina said.

6. “Skippy Gold” Cristina says extremely confidently. “Restaurants, Crime and Powerful Ships” 

She says this while looking directly opposite of Addison,

Who is looking down at her toes now, redding more by the minute.

“Hey wasn’t Skippy Gold your High School Prom Date?” Derek asks Addison openly.

“He sure was” Cristina confirms as Addison looks up at her in alarm.

“He told me that himself years ago. He’s like my third cousin or something” she smiles.

 And the lies roll of Cristina so smoothly like butter,

As Addison’s eyebrow-raised expression only adds to the plausibility of her “experience”

“You said you would never tell anyone, ever about Skippy Gold” Addison says bitterly.

“It’s ok Addison,” Cristina says her first name and gets away with it all.

“I know he was a terrible prom date to you. No one needs that much Star Wars talk in one night”

Cristina recites from what Addison had said about her memory.

“Oh, I remember you saying that!” Derek chips in excitement. 

“SEE,” Cristina says to him with a fake - oh - so - fake - nod of approval.

“I don't want to talk about it” Addison huffs.

And no one takes it as weird at all Addison would want to stop talking about high school.

So as Cristina smirks wider and Addison does her best to ignore her,

Meredith smiles sympathetically back over Derek’s shoulder at Addison,

And when Addison finally looks up and sees her offering this,

It’s all Addison can do not to jump up and kiss her right then. 

(she doesn’t, obviously, because this is a hospital . She thought. obviously. )

“Truth or Dare is for babies” Derek Shepherd admonishes roughly.

It’s like, ironically uncanny just how childish he is actually being. 

As he’s watched everyone’s turns go by and enjoyed them,

Not wanting to take any risks for himself.

“Well be a big baby for us now will you Shepherd”, the patient now admonishes him.

Much to ALL of the intern’s cheering delight. (And also Addison's, though more subtly.)

“What, are you chicken? ” he says. And Derek takes all the bait. 

“Not at all, ask me anything” Derek challenges with a determined look. 

Ugh, ego much, Meredith curses under her breath, thinking that she’s been quiet.

Addison is just close enough to her and grins.

Meredith looks up and smiles again quickly before scoffing at Derek 

And the thought that she feels like she’s winning somehow pleases Addison immensely.

“You have to pick one, you know,” the pregnant man says as if he doesn’t know.

“Dare, then,” Derek says, not wanting people asking him embarrassing questions.

“I dare you to kiss Doctor Alex” the patient gets right to the point. 

Addison’s eyes widen at this in surprise before she looks firmly down at the floor. 

She’s biting her lip now not to react to this and she looks away before she sees Derek moving.

He stomps firmly over to Alex Karev now and towers over the younger boy at his seat. 

He doesn’t hesitate or make light of it all, he just leans right on in,

and sticks his tongue right down Alex’s throat deeply before ending the kiss,

Almost as quickly as it has just begun. 

Alex looked at him in a stunned haze as if he had imagined the whole thing. 

And after that he just smiles at the patient and tells him “not bad, dude, Gays’ got it ‘some good”

And the interns laugh mildly at the patient’s new bolder requests.

And Derek sits down in a sulk not saying one extra word for the rest of the game. 

And yet, Addison does not miss the sad look in her ex-husband’s eyes,

And the subconscious licking of his lips, as if remembering the taste of Alex’s tongue and

The clenching of his fists, the same way he had, when he woke up from bedding Mark Sloan.

“Truth or Dare,” asks the ‘pregnant man’ contentedly, now directed at Meredith.

“Ah, I think Dare then I guess” Meredith shrugs with no mind. 

“I dare you to eat lick one of those kids lollipops - he points at the ones for the children leftover -

“And pretend that you’re making out with them out loud as you eat it,” he says 

And if there could be a word for something greater than utter fucking delight and glee ,

It still wouldn’t be able to measure up to the joy on all of Derek’s and Addison’s and Cristina’s-

On each of those three people’s faces now, all for similar but slightly dissimilar reasonings.

On Derek’s of course, because he wanted to see Meredith’s mouth move over the sucker.

On Addison’s of course, for the same reason as Derek and because her core actually clenched

When she realized she was probably going to see the situation make Meredith moan.

And on Cristina’s, because she could tell just by the pop of the question,

That in every way, shape or form, that Derek and Addison were both at the entirety-

Of Meredith Grey’s most seductive and erotic of mercy’s.

And they neither of the three of them or any of them at all,

Were going to be able to cry out “uncle” before they are way past the gone.

Meredith picks out the cherry popsicle and unwraps it carefully at its seams.

She feels her delicate fingers untangle it before she sucks it into her mouth,

For the first time. She’s grown up on these suckers, having been bribed,

By her mother and father (and occasionally Richard) with them all the time.

So she knows that the Cherry is her favorite. It tastes just like, RED , she thinks.

(Red just like Addison Montgomery’s hair, she thinks actively as she eyes Addison now)

And Addison is watching her with a piercing sort of gaze as her hands gripped her seat. 

And Meredith savors the way Ms. Montgomery is appreciating her now,

Because she’s never quite seen that dark look in her eye before,

But it is strangely and insanely sexy all at the same time and Meredith likes it.

She likes it a hell of a lot more than the way Derek’s jaw is opened right now.

She actually hates that a whole lot. So she asks Derek to leave for a moment.

And he protests before she says “it’s just a baby game to you anyhow.”

Then he gruffs before saying he has better things to be doing as a Doctor.

But everyone ignores him as he shuts the door tightly, feeling put-out.

And once Derek is gone Meredith continues her game. She raises her eyebrows-

Just as she’s staring into Addison’s eyes, and she moans . At her.

And for a minute she thinks maybe she should restrain herself.

Addison being who she is and being her boss and her Attending and all.

But the Derek thing just seems all so far away now. And Alex KISSED Derek.

So a few noises here and there from herself while locking eyes with Addison,

Well compared to what Derek did couldn’t get her into as much of a trouble.

And for some other reason (that reason being Addison’s eyes are almost black)

She doesn’t think she has to have an official conversation about this at all. 

 Because if anyone did ask her questions, she has Addison to make up excuses for it all.

Because she wasn’t going to give away to HER boss or to anyone what SHE was doing now.

And in name what Addison is doing right now is trying not to explode,

As Meredith sees her crossing her legs back and forth, and biting her tongue and her cheek.

And Meredith smirks at her (even wider than Cristina is smirking at both of them now)-

As she watches what the sound of her tongue licking the lollipops in board strokes does to her.

The result is so much more than she could imagine. Addison is grinning now, hiding it. 

But she’s grinning as Meredith is smirking and licking with the pad of her tongue.

And there’s nothing on earth that can keep Addison from imagining that tongue on HER tongue.

So Meredith is doing with her tongue now what she’d do with Addison’s mouth given a chance.

She sucks on the sucker with the whole of her lips, turning them a bright red like lipstick.

And absently Meredith wonders what Addison’s lipstick would taste like.

What her lips would taste like on hers. And maybe this attraction was absurd.

Maybe it was cataclysmic in epic proportions. To lust over her boyfriends, not even ex-wife-yet? 

God, she really was such a whore. But I guess so was Addison. And the thought turns her on.

So she doesn’t even blink as she allows the sucker to grow smaller and smaller.

And she smacks at her lips together and does a flirty kissing sound in the air. 

And Meredith is flirting for real, big time, this time. Not the lame stuff,

The stuff she was doing to the boy-man-psychiatrist. No, sir. This was real.

She was pulling all the stops, as Addison’s stare almost made HER heart stop.

And once the sucker was over, she leaned into Addison close just as she sat down.

To tell her that “Cherry sure is a good flavor. It tastes just like a cherry chapstick” 

And she says this in rhythm as if she were rhyming out the Katy Perry song,

As she allowed the warm breath of her candy-kisses lips to pass over Addison's own.

And she could just about taste the hint of sweetness and sugar, that she imagined,

Beyond her wildest doubts, that Meredith’s mouth would taste exactly like,

If she were to lose herself in all thought and just lean over and kiss her senseless.

But before she could move a muscle, before she could lose all of her self-control,

Meredith had already made up her mind for her. As she sat down into her seat.

She pulled away from Addison’s alluring stares, and towards the smug Cristina on her side.

And she smirked up at her so Addison would know that SHE knew,

Just how erotic an experience it had been for both of them.

And if Addison could move in her chair right now without it being too obvious,

She would have noticed just how wet her tight clothes were becoming,

And how turned on she really actually was, in the middle of this patient’s room,

In the middle of a HOSPITAL. In the middle of her WORKPLACE. In the middle of SEATTLE.

Where she’d never ever thought that she’d be sitting with her tongue out just a little,

As she licked her lips subconsciously thinking she was sure to god going to HELL,

For thinking the thoughts she was thinking about Doctor Grey at this very moment.

(Namely the ones about Meredith fucking her on this very floor right about now, for reference.)

If Addison thought that she was having it bad right fucking now, then she would be right.

(Well, except for the ‘pregnant patient’ who seemed to be regretting it in his male gay-ness)

But she wouldn’t be right if she had been thinking that she was the only one.

Obviously the boys - both George and Alex are both freaking out a small bit over there.

And even Cristina, who tried her very damndest to not think of her friend that way, liked it.

And Izzie Stevens also appreciated it and appreciated much more about watching Cristina.

Izzie is eyeing Cristina now and she’s staring so hard and getting away with it too,

Because Cristina is staring directly at Addison now, with a look of impatience.

“Doctor Montgomery?” Cristina tries to snap Addison out of it before Meredith notices.

“Addison?” Cristina tries gently over and over again but Addison is gone it appears.

“Addie?” Meredith tries her nickname, and the combination of that and her voice work.

“Yeah-huh” Addison sort of mumbles as she tries to bring her heart rate down,

As well as her body temperature and her pulse and get control of her darkening eyes. 

“It’s your turn ” Meredith sort of insists to her as Addison furrows her brow in confusion.

“Truth or Dare, Doctor Boss” the ‘pregnant patient’ finally asks her (saves her).

“Oh, right. Ah. Dare, then, I guess.” Addison says noncommittally. 

Because of she sure as hell has quite a few unwanted truths she cares to not let sneak out now.

“Well that’s an easy one, I have just the proper thing for a doctor like you,” the patient says.

And as much as Addison would like to say she’s prepared for anything a patient could say,

Addison is left entirely unprepared for what is about to unfold after what the patient says next.

“I Dare you, Doctor Boss, to be kissed by a woman. Right here, and right now, in front of us.”

Addison chokes out the moment he says this. And she can’t help but look over at Meredith.

And Meredith is looking wide-eyed back at her too. And then there’s a moment.

A moment when they both search in each other’s souls to see if they want the same thing.

They look at each other with reference, with curiosity, with lust, with hope and loss and fear.

And they’re terrified, because if the next moment does not live up to all of their desires,

Then they are no longer sure what would ever be possible. The world would just die.

Just go purely extinct and the both of them, Meredith and Addison, would just stop.

They would cease to even exist. They would never, ever, be them again.

They would never be the same with or without this, not after, either way. 

And either way, they knew that they had to make a choice. Now or Never.

And the wanted, yearned for, longed for, NEEDED to know they would both think the same.

That they’d both pick each other 

That they’d both choose each other. 

That they’d both LOVE one another.

“Pick me, choose me, love me”

The words echoed in Meredith’s ears as she remembered saying them to Derek.

And then she thinks now she has said those words to the very wrong person entirely.

“Pick me, choose me, love me”

The words echoed in Addison’s ears as she remembered Derek saying them to her.

Only they weren’t even FOR her. They were reserved only for him. From Meredith.

“Pick me, choose me, love me”

The words echoed in Meredith’s ears as she vaguely remembered hearing them again,

But this time falling to her out of someone else’s lips who she can’t quite understand yet.

And she tries to soothe her aching brain but she feels all lightheaded and numb.

She feels like ten tonnes of tequila, she thinks she might be onto something now, but not quite.

“Pick me, choose me, love me”

Addison remembers mimicking Meredith back that night at the bar.

And now she wishes she’d meant it to her then, and that Derek wasn’t there, 

Only Meredith saying those words not through him, for him,

But directly to HER. 

And the moment seems endless as the two of them feel trapped in eternity together.

They are staring at each other’s eyes, each other’s lips, each other’s mouths.

And they are staring as if into each other their souls, into their minds, into their hearts. 

And they think that they are finally drunk off anticipation enough to decide.

To make the decision for themselves and for each other.

To make the decision that will dictate their destiny.

“The Human life is made up of choices. 

Yes or no? 

In or out? 

Up or down? 

And then there are the choices that matter: 

to love or hate, 

to be a hero or to be a coward, 

to fight or to give in, to live or die... 

Live or die? 

That's the important choice, 

and it's not always in our hands. 

Yes or no? 

In or out? 

Up or down? 

Live or die? 

Hero or coward? 

Fight or give in? 

I'll say it again, 

to make sure you hear me: 

The Human life is made up of choices. 

Live or die? 

That's the important choice… 

and it's not always in our hands.”

And just when Meredith and Addison both thought the decision was in their hands, it wasn’t.

Because before either Meredith or Addison could stop staring long enough to move a muscle,

Yang did. 

Cristina wordlessly got up out of her chair.

She pushed her way over to the chair where Derek Shepherd had earlier occupied.

And she sat herself down right between them; between Addison and Meredith. 

And she mouthed an “I’m sorry, don’t hate me” at Meredith quickly,

Before Cristina turned her head around,

And brought a hand to Addison.

And she cupped her face.

She whispered

“Not yet”

“Go”

And then,

Cristina could feel her.

Cristina could feel Addison’s lips on hers.

Cristina could feel Addison’s mouth on hers, too.

Cristina could feel how Addison’s tongue moved when she sucked it.

Cristina could feel how Addison’s throat groaned out when she kissed her rough.

Cristina could feel how Addison’s hands tightened up when she slid her tongue all inside.

Cristina could feel how Addison’s body shuddered when she gave it her all, have her everything.

As if Cristina couldn’t feel as well, the way that just and now, how she’d taken everything away.

Taken away what Addison and Meredith both thought that this moment would be.

The moment in front of everyone in the room yet just for them also.

The moment their desire was consummated finally.

The moment Addison came out.

The moment for MerAdd.

Their moment.

Theirs. 

Not-

Not-

Cristina’s moment to slide in right in front of Meredith and kiss the hell out of her right there!

Meredith was beside herself furious at Cristina now who is looking back at her empathetically.

And Cristina thinks Meredith is about to cry. So she holds her now, holds her hand.

And she looks at her best friend right in the eye. And she tells her. “I know” and that’s it.

And at that moment, despite Meredith saying absolutely nothing else to her at all,

Meredith understood. 

She knew what Cristina had done FOR her, not against her. FOR Addison, not against her.

And Addison didn’t quite understand yet what Meredith had come to understand.

Because Addison and Cristina are close now, but she’s MEREDITH’s person, not hers.

So when Addison looks up at Cristina, all drunk and hurt,

Cristina looks Addison then, right in the eye. And she tells her. “I know” and that’s it.

And Addison seems to understand from her too, that they’ll talk about it after.

After Izzie stops staring open-mouthed at Cristina. 

(Which Cristina is trying not to be sort of high-key really happy about)

And George and Alex stop whooping at both of them in delight.

And the patient stops cringing to himself and then laughs in humor and lightness again.

And with that, the patient senses that the rest of them need some time to recover.

So he says to them “Thank You” and says they were all very brave.

And Addison says “You’re welcome, I’ll get those tests to you soon”

And he just smiles at them all and says “live while we’re young.”

And Addison sends Izzie to pick up the labs.

And she sends George to go pick up the tilt test.

And she sends Alex to deliver the update to the chief.

And they all leave with a nod, without a word.

And, impulsively, she sends Meredith Grey to go deliver that note back to the psychiatrist.

And she tells her she probably doesn’t want to go near him. The boy-man psychiatrist.

Because Addison is jealous of the psychiatrist but doesn’t know how to deal with it.

But she still feels annoyed enough to tell Meredith she should avoid the psychiatrist 

As if she knew something about him Meredith didn’t because she had 

“Been around longer as a doctor” and she “Knew about him back in the day”

Meredith buys it, or at least she happily pretends to, but Cristina gives her a questioning look 

And then when it’s only the two of them Addison just sits down and shrugs and says “thanks.”

As if she’s starting to understand, but not quite and she still wants to talk about it. 

And Cristina says to her thanks for the thing about the psychiatrist anyhow.

Because he looked like he wanted to ride Meredith Grey like a carousel.

And Carousels clearly have Meredith Grey the CREEPs as her mother said. 

And so Meredith goes off to give the note back to the psychiatrist as she is told and say “no”

And Addison asks Cristina with her eyes why she didn’t hesitate to volunteer to kiss her

And she asked her it was at all to make the Doctor Stevens sort of jealous,

And Cristina shifts uncomfortably at the thought and says a shy “yes” to her,

Addison is relieved Cristina has no upper hand for the very first time in their up relationship

But because she’s just so Addison , and she’s been so grateful to Cristina,

Addison just smiles widely saying super genuinely that Stevens is an excellent doctor,

As is Cristina, and that they would be lucky to have each other.

And Cristina says “well, huh, I guess that means you must ‘ship’ us together then, hey?”

And Addison laughs as she says she does ‘ship’ them, whatever , and that she’s glad for her.

Because she never really truly said to Cristina how scared Izzie looked when she saw her-

Saw Addison in the halls as she was running to find her to say that ‘her friend’-

‘Her friend’ needed Addison to operate on her immediately. And she understood why.

And Cristina says thanks, not knowing this unfamiliar territory of Addison looking out for her-

As well as everyone else in their “breakfast club’ - seeing as she had blackmailed her -

Literally only a few days ago. And called her out for Skippy Gold. And also kissed her.

But they both knew even though it was Addison’s first kiss with a woman it didn’t matter.

“You still matter to me, you know,” Addison says. “The Interns. Bailey’s Interns” she adds.

“You all do,” Addison adds quickly. “I know,” Cristina says to her with wide eyes.

“You are like, crazy. And we - I- need that from you. I need you to never not care” Cristina says. 

And that’s when Addison knows that Cristina is doing the thing where she’s talking-

But actually talking with Addison about something- someone else again.

“It’s okay to let yourself be cared for back too,” Cristina says in a way that mirrors Meredith a bit.

“I care about you back ya know. And not only for surgeries. That was just a joke.” Cristina says.

“I don’t ever love you- not in that way at least and I won’t ever love like that”- Cristina begins.

“But I do love you as our teacher, I love you as our genuine friend. I love you as my mentor”

Cristina continues. “And I love you for being a better boss than Burke ever was to me-”

Cristina trails off a bit and now Addison is not sure where she’s even going with this at all. 

“When I first got here, Meredith had her McDreamy and I wanted mine” she continues

“And I knew I wanted to be a heart surgeon so I wanted Preston Burke,” she says.

“So I let him take pieces away from me. I let him hold on to me like on a leash” she says.

“I know he’s been taking pieces from me. Chips pieces of me away like glass” she says softer.

And for all that they’ve interacted with each other, Addison has never ever seen Cristina Yang,

THE ,Cristina Yang looks so vulnerable to her. “I’m so sorry,” Addison says slowly.

“I know Preston’s my friend. So if you ever need anything from me, I have influence” she says.

“Thank you Doctor Montgomery,” Cristina says to her genuinely, she hardly ever calls her that.

Cristina is relieved that she talked to Addison about this because she would talk to Meredith-

But she didn’t want to bring up any comparisons or bad flashbacks about Derek.

“Thank you, for saving me,” Cristina says to her again as if she just remembers again.

“Thank YOU for saving me,” Addison says to her barely above a whisper.

“You know if things were different, and I wasn’t your student, and you weren’t crushing on Mer-”

Cristina begins before Addison could jump to say something to her quickly about that last one. 

“If things had been different” Cristina says with weight so that Addison knows she means Derek,

“I think that we could have been friends,” Cristina says to her, offering up a handshake.

“We can be friends in a few short years Yang, after I’m through with kicking your ass” she adds.

“I really do hope so,” Cristina says in a careful way, as Addison notes that the tone has shifted.

The conversation has shifted back to Addison’s question which she still hasn’t answered yet.

And she doesn’t even have to ask it out loud because Cristina knows what she means.

“I kissed you because I didn’t want Meredith to kiss you then,” Cristina says softly.

“It wasn’t really for me, or for Izzie to make her jealous or all that” Cristina adds again.

“But- why?” Addison asks her. “Knowing all that you know, why would you?” she asks.

“Knowing all that I know” Cristina starts up again. “I know you,” Cristina says.

“I know you need to have a fighting chance. I know you don’t have much net under your feet”

She elaborates before Addison questions her. “I want it to work you you know, I really do-”

“You’ve both been hurt by Derek. You have an invisible bond. You’re both broke, you can fix it”

“When you’re ready when she’s ready. When you both have some fucking self-respect built up”

Addison flinches at Cristina’s harsh words and swearing but the flash in her eyes says it's true.

“I think you could make Meredith Grey really happy. And I think that someday she’ll want YOU”

Addison can’t stop a flash of hope and a grin to come out as Cristina softens gently.

“But if/then it does happen, I want it to happen in a way that is real,” Cristina says to her wisely.

“We accept the love that we think we deserve, Doctor Montgomery” Addison hears her own line.

It brings tears to her eyes and Cristina moves to hold onto Addison’s shoulder softly.

“I learned that the hard way over Burke. It took an almost McBaby for me to really know-” 

“But I know I deserve more than him. And he needs someone who is not me” she says.

“And you deserve- you both deserve more from each other too,” Cristina says simply.

“I don’t want your lives to be a joke or a game,” Cristina says. 

“You could be something beautiful. You both are really beautiful. You’re anything but ordinary”

Cristina is going a bit far away so Addison is seeming to be a bit lost all over again.

“You could be something extraordinary together, even if you’re more than ordinary apart”

Cristina says to her finally. “And it will be one of the great privileges of my life-”

Cristina sighs before she says it. “To have gotten to watch it all happen” she concludes.

And before Addison can say anything she forgets herself entirely.

And she’s wrapping her arms around Cristina Yang’s shoulders.

And Cristina is holding her close, even though normally she doesn’t like to be held.

And it should feel insane, that Addison is being held like this by a student.

But some of these days, she hardly feels like she’s a teacher at all.

So she just takes it all in and appreciates all the honest truths.

And they just stand there awhile, living, breathing.

They stand there as Cristina settles as well

They stand there until they stop crying.

They stand there until they breathe.

They stand there together.

With each other.

Waiting.

Now.

As if they are each waiting for something truly important, that is just about to begin.

*

*

*

*

*

***** END OF CHAPTER 13

Chapter Text

Chapter 14: Break On Through, Part Four

Cristina Yang is used to being woken up by her alarm clock.

Or by her pager. 

Or by the birds chirping.

Or by a tow-truck.

Or by a regular truck.

Or by anything else, really, 

Other than being woken up,

The way she was being woken up,

Like, RIGHT NOW. 

That is, with all of the yelling,

And the screaming,

And the shouting,

And finally the poking.

Ok, the poking is finally what does it. 

It finally wakes Cristina Yang up,

And makes her listen,

To the person,

Who was yelling 

and screaming and shouting,

For her to “WAKE THE HELL UP”

So that apparently,

She could be yelled at even more. 

‘Ugh, well this is going to be a hell of a day,’

Cristina thinks, with a heavy sigh, at herself. 

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!?”

“HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!?”

“WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?”

Correction:

‘This is going to be a day of complete hell’. 

And Cristina sighs at herself, again.

“ Coming Mer!” 

Cristina finally gets up and stops ignoring all of the yelling and screaming and shouting, as well as banging on her apartment door and letting the yelling, screaming, shouting girl out of the cold Seattle raindrops and into her cold Seattle apartment. God, she really should turn the heat on.

She makes her best friend a hot cup of tea before she chugs down a diet soda for herself. She would offer Meredith something for breakfast if she had it, but all she usually kept at the house was diet soda (which she had already been drinking straight out of the bottle), as well as liquor. 

So instead, she settles on pouring her friend a cup of hot water, which she fills in with one of her last remaining teabags from when Burke used to come over to her place from time to time. Usually, he had avoided it, because he was a stickler for order and she was, well, a big, pig .

But she still had some tea leftover, not for Burke at all anymore, and more for occasions like this. Where she would become an impromptu hostess for an uninvited houseguest, who storms over to her apartment at the very crack of dawn , to ask “ HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!? ”.

And to be quite truthful, Cristina’s not at all upset at her. She’s not upset at her friend at all. Her friend, who just so happens to be stirring at her tea with her finger and warming her hands on her mug as she waited for Cristina to open up another can of diet soda before starting again.

“I can’t believe you did that” Meredith finally asks her in a soft whispery voice. And Cristina’s heart almost breaks at that one, because Meredith’s soft whispery voice is much more terrifying than all of her yelling. “I’m sorry” Cristina repeats to her. She’s said it already; she says it again.

“Thank-You,” Meredith says to her softly as she stares into the tea leaves like she’s trying to read her own fortune. “You know it was all a part of a game, right?” Cristina asks her tenderly, as Meredith just sort of nods like she’s not sure she even believes in her answer. “ The Game. ”

Meredith sighs again, and Cristina sighs as well because now she can hear the capital “G” in Meredith’s voice when she said to her the “Game”, which means she’s referring not only to their Never Have I Ever & Truth Or Dare, games, but to the “Game” that was their surgical residency. 

“I just, I never thought it was all gonna be so damn hard ” Meredith sighs loudly at her again. “Yeah. Being an intern does kinda suck sometimes” Cristina agrees. “What about you though, you’re like over, OVER ” with Doctor Burke now. Are you doing ok with all of that Cristina?

Meredith takes a break from her own thought process and problems to consider Cristina’s feelings for once in their conversations that morning. “Yeah, I think I am doing okay,” Cristina says honestly like she’s just starting to believe it herself. “I’m glad I didn’t have to have the-

Cristina doesn’t know whether she’s supposed to say “the baby” or “the abortion” in conclusion to that last sentence so instead, she just says nothing as she goes to pour herself a cup of tea as well. “I’m sorry,” says Meredith softly. And she holds out her hand to brush it over Cristina’s. 

With all the drama that had been going around in the hospital; Derek, ‘mystery man’, psychiatrist Arthur, Never Have I Ever, Truth or Dare, budding “like-mances”, they hadn’t really had any time just to talk with each other about Cristina’s recovery from surgery and from her lost near-child. 

And it was comforting to Cristina that her best friend would carve out the time to talk just about her. So she lets Meredith hold her hand for a while until she only pulls it away just to test her tea to see if it has cooled off enough yet. Then she sipped it and Meredith sipped her tea, too. 

That is until Meredith’s hand came to reach over to hold Cristina’s hand again at the same time that Cristina tried to reach to grab a lump of sugar from the edge of the counter. And as their elbows collided the both of their teacups flew into midair before they landed on the floor. Clunk.

“Sorry I spilled all the tea” Meredith apologizes for the second time already that morning. “Well, it’s not like you haven't been “ spilling the tea” at me all this morning. Cristina looks up at her with a soft sort of laugh, to reassure Meredith that she hadn’t shattered their friendship in teacups.

“Do you have any more interesting t ea to spill?” Meredith asks of Cristina. “Come on I could use a distraction, hell knows you’ve been thinking about my ‘mystery person’ drama since last week says Meredith, guessing correctly again. Cristina thinks about her two options with another sigh. 

She could talk to Meredith again about the ‘mystery person drama’ which somewhere along the way Meredith has stopped calling the ‘mystery man drama’ and idly, Cristina wonders if her subconscious is trying to rein her - the hell. Or she could talk about her own tea. Her stuff.

‘My stuff it is’  Cristina says with one final gulp of her second diet soda she hadn’t finished before the start of the spilled tea incident. “So some tea about me” Cristina says to her with a shy and embarrassed smile. “My tea right now is that I have my eye on someone new, now”

She says this all in one breath before looking up slowly at Meredith again, while simultaneously worrying the rim of the soda can in with her thumb. “So are you going to tell me about this new person you have your eye on then?” Meredith asks her with huge interest, Cristina says “Yeah.”

Ten minutes later after they had both discussed all the pros and cons of Izzie Stevens’ fresh baking skills (pros: chocolate cupcakes, the french toast, and homemade bread, cons: oatmeal cookies, anything with only raisins and bacon-flavored brownies) as well as her looks.

“Did you save that Bethany Whispers’ poster that Alex had plastered all over the hospital walls?!” Meredith exclaims with a shout after she finally thought all of it through. “ NO ” Cristina tries to lie through her teeth about it, but apparently, her smooth lying skills don’t apply this time.

 “OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE THEM IN YOUR BEDROOM, DON’T YOU!” Meredith says with a shout, and she runs off to Cristina’s room before she can even attempt passively to body-block her. “She IS hot though, in like a barbie blonde kinda way,” Meredith says very objectively.

“She’s literally a freaking MODEL ” Cristina insists to her with reverence. And Meredith instantly makes fun of her for that one because if it weren’t the first words Cristina ever said to her about all the interns it was to admonish the fact that she’d heard “one of them is a model. ”

“Hey, I didn’t know that a hot Doctor Model could be more than just a dichotomy” Cristina whines at her as Meredith sees her Ogling Izzie Stevens’ face in the poster shot. “Ya know if you wanna sleepover at my place she sometimes walks around in Hello Kitty Underwear” Meredith smirks.

“As incredibly tempting as that sounds to me right about now” Cristina starts in a fantasizing gaze, “I’m not sure if sleeping in some other girl’s bed right now sends the message that I might or might not be trying to send in the whole recent future” Cristina smirks right back at Meredith.

“Oh, come on Izzie knows that you and I are not and that we’re never gonna be like, a thing ” Meredith giggles. “Yeah but what if she doesn’t know that and not she we all know - and Izzie knows that we all used to kiss on girls back in the day - what if she thinks that we are, now”

Cristina starts fretting and it’s Meredith who calms her down this time, stroking soothing patterns into Cristina’s back as she squeezes her shoulder reassuringly. “Ya know we can just tell her we’re like completely platonic, for soulmates, ” Meredith says to her as if that made total sense. 

“I’m not so sure that’s gonna make sense if you hear yourself saying that like out loud to anybody who isn’t right in this room like right now ” Cristina rambles as she explains the dicey logic that Meredith has just laid out there before her. “ Alright,” Meredith says with a sigh. 

“But I really did want you to come over soon though,” she says in a hopeful way, letting Cristina know that Meredith really misses her. “And I don’t want it to change, us, ” Meredith says to her. “Not like the us that you’d say hypothetically about you and Izzie, like us , friends, us.”  

“Oh Mer, nothing’s gonna change us!” Cristina exclaims now. “We were best friends while you were with Derek and I was with Burke. We were best friends though you McDreamy Breakups and my Burke McBaby’s and Breakups and all of the rest. I’ll- I’ll never make it without you”

Cristina’s voice is all soft and tender now. And she’s even hugging Meredith tighter, tighter than she ever has before. And then she asks her pensively “do you think we could be? I mean Izzie and Me?” she says all soft and vulnerable. It makes Meredith melt that Cristina cares so much. 

“I think that you really could be something beautiful” Meredith finally says honestly. “You really think so?” Cristina asks her again. “I really, really do,” Meredith says. “And I’m glad. Because YOU are my PERSON Cristina, but Izzie’s my friend too. She deserves someone like you.”

And it’s probably the most generous offer that Meredith has ever had to make for her friend. Because she knew that Burke wasn’t being good to her. She held her tongue so that Cristina could learn that about him and her all on her own, despite it all being just so damn hard. 

But this, this is different now. With Cristina with Burke, Meredith knew that Cristina would need her, need someone to lean on, to complain to and to hold on to. But with this- if this- happened with Izzie, then Meredith knew there was a piece of Cristina that wouldn’t be just her’s anymore.

And that thought scared the crap out of Meredith. And the thought scared the crap out of Cristina, in both the same way that Meredith thought, also the other way. If in the future, that Meredith fell in love, and that they loved her back fully, she'd lose a piece of her, Mer, as well. 

“Did you wish it was Izzie, that you kissed for the dare?” Meredith asks her softly when she finally thinks to ask Cristina about that. “In a way, selfishly, I guess I did” Cristina admits in a way she still wouldn’t to Addison, the way she had admitted she kissed Addison to save her then.

“But I think that it’s better. Or at least I try to justify it to myself in that way” Cristina says with a thoughtful look, then softens again. “We accept the love that we think we deserve, Mer” Cristina says this tagline to her best friend, as she’s said to Addison only just the other day, as well. 

“Are you saying you’re not sure you deserve to be loved by Izzie Stevens” Mer catches her thoughts as they scatter into space now. “Yeah, that’s what I was saying, I guess” Cristina shrugs. And her eyes are all hollow when she looks up at Mer again. “I think you do,” Mer says.

“I really do, I think you deserve to be loved by her whole, if she likes you that way, if she wants you back too,” Meredith says. “And she deserves you, too. As much as I wanna keep you all to myself. But then I’d have to give you the sex. And I don’t wanna do that. So then, Izzie it is!”

“Well, that escalated quickly” Cristina deadpans at Meredith. “Well I mean that’s what people like, in love wanna do, right?” Meredith quirks right back at her. “Well, yeah but I mean I never even asked her yet,” Cristina says like a gentleman. “Wow, I wish I was less of a whore like you.”

“You are so not a whore, Meredith,” Cristina says to her seriously. “I mean, you like to do it ” but that doesn’t make you a whore. “But I like to do it with inappropriate people. In inappropriate places. In inappropriate WAYS” Mer insists. “Ok, I didn’t have to know about the last one!!!”

Cristina is teasing Mer now so she’s lightening up a little and she won’t feel so down. “Ok but seriously, none of those are actually a problem as long as long as you respect the person’s wishes and they respect you back. I think your problem is the latter, not the former” she says.

“So you don’t think that my thinking nasty naughty nurses' thoughts about someone super really inappropriate is gonna make me even more of a whore?” Meredith asks her again. “Nah, I think if anyone was being a bit of a whore then it’s McDerek. He had a secret McWife for chrissake”

“I wish I could make that McDream go away” Meredith sighs as she looks down away from Cristina’s eye contact. “So you don’t miss him? Not even at all? Cristina asks her rather seriously this time. “No, not in a wanna be friends way. Not even in a wanna screw him way”

“I’m proud of you Meredith,” Cristina says to her genuinely. “I’m glad that you’re building up some of your self-respect,” she says gratefully. “I think I’m growing into, someone I could trust,” Meredith says thoughtfully as she twirls Cristina’s hair on her shoulder. “I’m growing, ” she says.

“You’re growing,” Cristina says to Meredith again, proudly this time. “I’m glad”

‘She’s ready, you know’. A nagging voice enters Cristina’s mind as she smiles up at Meredith. ‘It’s almost time now. She’s going to figure it out all on her own, Cristina knows. And it’s a relief, really. When all of the waiting is finally over, Meredith has grown into somebody she can trust. 

And that, more importantly, that she knows it for herself. That no matter what, Meredith will be okay.

And Maybe, Cristina thinks idly in her mind. If the Izzie thing doesn't go too well for her, 

Or even if it does, then she knows for sure after today that she'll have Meredith here to catch her. 

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***** END OF CHAPTER 14

Chapter Text

Chapter 15: Break on Through, Part Five

“Izzie, can I ask you ah, a question? Promise you won’t be mad or run off on me and say that I’m weird and messed up and going all dark and twisty on you all over again…” Meredith rambles as she tries really hard to get to her point, but is thus far, failing rather spectacularly. 

“Hit me with your best shot,” Izzie says to her with a grin.

“If I didn’t actually like that song un-ironically I would so walk away from you right now,” Meredith says to Izzie with a giggle.

“ Seriously, hit me with your best shot,” Izzie asks her finally.

“WhatDoYouThinkAboutAddison?” Meredith asks her, saying all of her words in one breath.

“Umm, I think you’re going to have to say that a whole lot more slower if you expect me to answer you” Izzie replies to her, seriously.

“ Seriously?” Meredith exclaims in an astonishingly similar tone to her friend Izzie.

“ Seriously!” Izzie says to her so Meredith knows for certain she’s serious.

“What do you think about Addison ?” Meredith tries to say in an even tone now. 

“Why do you wanna know what I think about Addison? Izzie says to her, but without her breath catching on Addison’s name in the same way Meredith’s had when she had said it. 

“I just, I wanna know what you think, that’s all. She said to you once that you had like, a gift for her specialty, right?” Meredith is grasping at nothing but the compliment seems to work wonders.

“Right, yeah. That was really nice of her I think” Izzie says. 

“Anything, else…” Meredith tries to ask her without being suspicious.

“Are you asking like an ‘I want to gather ammunition against her to get Derek back, way’?” Asks Izzie.

“No.” Meredith considers that one for a second before she answers in complete honesty. 

“Really, no,” she says to Izzie, surprising even herself a little bit. 

“Well that’s progress,” Izzie says with a smile.

“I guess it is,” says Meredith with a smile back at her as well.

“Hey, do you know what happened to our potted plant over there?” Izzie asks, slightly changing the subject to something a little less incriminating for the both of them. 

(For Mer, because she’s got a bit of a stubborn sudden sexual attraction she’s trying to hide or unhide or attempt to vaguely not understand)

(for Izzie, because she really does have a knack for birthing babies, and Addison is a really great teacher to her, and she doesn’t want to say anything to Meredith that could mess all that up.)

“Yeah what about it?” Meredith asks her as she looks at the left-leaning plant that is still sitting on the countertop where it hadn’t been moved since the night Meredith had been drunk.

“It’s like, less and less straight every day,” Izzie says. “I seriously tried to straighten it with some tape and glue and a ruler, but I think it only made it even more queer-shaped than yesterday,” Izzie says.

“I know, ” Meredith says with a huff. “I tried to straighten it out with my pencils, but it didn’t go too well either I guess” Meredith concedes.

“Well It’s not like being queer is the worst that can happen to a plant anyhow” Izzie shrugs.

“Yeah I mean it hasn’t been straight since I knocked it over the night I professed my love to Derek and he didn’t pick me and I drank myself under the table and I must have knocked it over the table as well when I got home,” Meredith says to her.

“Do you remember knocking it over then, Meredith?” Izzie asks her innocently.

“No, not really,” Meredith says. “It’s all just really fuzzy. I just think that it wasn’t somebody else who touched it. I think it was me, that’s all. Or maybe it was because somebody bumped into me and I knocked into IT” Meredith tries to rationalize based on what has previously happened when she’s been blackout drunk.

“I think that someone bumping into you and you bumping into the plant is the most logical reason I can think of that it can’t be called straight anymore,” Izzie says. 

“But I mean it sure does look happy there. It’s all perky and has little flowers blooming on it. I think if I were a plant if I had to pick between being straight and lame or being queer and have flowers, then I would definitely want the queer flowers” Izzie says with a chirp.

“Me too,” Meredith says. “Besides, straight plants are so boring . I mean anyone can have a petunia that goes in one direction, but not everyone can have a potted plant that can get some fun going in more than one way” Meredith says. “At least, if I were a plant I would hope I’d be one of the fun ones” she sighs.

“Speaking of fun, what do you say we go to Joe’s this evening?” Izzie asks her. 

“Sure,'' Meredith says to her. “But you gotta stop me after six shots of tequila,” Meredith says to her. “I was already at seven last time that I was at that bar, and that’s the very last thing I remember. I remember seven empty shot glasses turned over in front of me and reaching for the eighth. And I don’t remember anything else about it after that” Meredith sighs.

“Six shots it is,” Izzie says gratefully, at least that her friend was starting to her own limits. 

“Let’s make it five,” Meredith says to her. “Just in case, better safe than sorry” she adds.

“Deal,” Izzie says easily. “I think we should just ask Joe how many shots he already knows you can handle, and ask him for a special favor to never let you have more than that at once,” Izzie says.

“I think that sounds like a great plan,” says Meredith. “He’s a pretty good guy, Joe is. I should leave him a tip” Meredith muses.

“Oh, and about your Addison question; don’t you dare tell anyone I said this, but the way she was looking at you when you were licking on that lollipop, I swear I thought she was gonna orgasm like inside of her pants,” Izzie says in a hushed whisper.

“SERIOUSLY?!” Meredith practically leaps onto the table.

“Yeah, that and she looked like she wanted to jump your bones right in the patient room” Izzie says objectively, as if she were delivering an oral report. 

“That’s not funny, ” Meredith says to her as if she’s making it all up. Because I mean, it does kind of sound all made up. Or effed up. You know what I mean. 

The ex-wife stares lustfully at her now intern who was recently once her ex-husband’s ex-girlfriend or mistress or whore, Meredith thinks to herself. That sounds worse than TV.

But it got Meredith thinking about what Izzie had said. And Izzie talked about other instances where she’d caught Doctor Montgomery staring at Meredith Grey.

And maybe it was only because she was previously with Derek, but Izzie says she’d almost beg to differ because the look on Addison’s face when she’d first arrived was far from the looks she was giving Meredith (and Meredith’s body)-now. 

“Shoot we’re running late!” Izzie says all the sudden, interrupting Meredith’s - whatever - while packing a hodgepodge of cookies and muffins into a tupperware to share with each other at lunch.

“You’re driving!” Izzie says to Meredith who grabs her coat (not from the coat rack from the chair) as well as her keys.  

“Coming!” Meredith leaps up off of the chair as she follows the blonde intern out of the door.

“BOYS” Meredith yells at her roommates and friends.

“If you wanna ride you come now” Meredith yells. 

Alex and George (who have just had an interesting sleepover in George’s room and therefore are both riding along with them) come running out the door as they leave it.

And when Meredith locks the door to the house right behind her, Izzie can’t help but to focus again on that smooth “M” carved into it and the shiny weight of Meredith’s key as it falls into her palm. 

“So how was your sleepover?” the girls ask of the boys on the way, to be polite.

“It was ah, good” George O’Malley says with a bit of a stutter.

“You seem a bit tired” says Meredith out of concern a bit to both of them. 

“Long night” Alex replied curtly, not going into any more detail than that. 

“Can I ask you something?” Meredith asks them the same way she asked Izzie earlier. 

“What do you think of Addison?” Meredith asks them without waiting for them to reply. 

“She’s really HOT, like McHot, HOT” Alex says with enthusiasm. 

“She’s hot,” George says with less enthusiasm than Alex. “She’s like, really tall,” he adds. “And her hair is REALLY RED,” he says. “Like, if Addison were entirely a color, she would be just Red,” he says as if that made any sense at all to anyone.

“Dude, I’d do her, you know, like if she offered. Like if she came right up to me and started kissing me I’d kiss her back. And I’d do her in the on-call room if she followed me inside of one and took all my clothes off” Alex says crassly and the whole thing makes Meredith furious for no reason she can explain in particular.

“ God, you’re such a PIG” Meredith exclaims at him forcefully, eyeing him through the rearview mirror of her car. “Addison is a lady who wears fancy brand-name shoes everywhere. She has perfect clothes, perfect hair and she always smells like brown sugar ” Meredith says to no one in particular, but mostly at Alex.

“I can’t believe you can be thinking about having a quickie with her when you’re on her service” Meredith sulks. 

“You ASKED,” Alex says to her. “Look, I may be a lot of things but I’m not a liar. I tell people the truth if that’s the only thing I got going for me. So if you don’t like what you hear, you shouldn’t ask those kinds of questions” Alex says with a gruff.

“You DID ask,” George says, and Meredith concedes her point.

“Does she actually always smell like brown sugar?” Izzie asks her and wonders why Meredith would have known that. 

“I don’t know but I think so,” says Meredith. “I just noticed it in the scrub room, because she must have had perfume on her hands before she went in and it smelled a bit like your cookies” Meredith says as a compliment. “The GOOD cookies” she adds, for good measure.

“Ooh those are nice, can you make them again?” George O’Malley asks.

And with that the quartet of interns had already switched to another topic, giving Meredith a chance to calm down after what she had just heard. 

The boys are suspicious but they don’t figure out anything remotely important. 

They are into each other, but it’s a bit awkward. So they ask Mer and Izzie about it.

“Hey, you guys are like kinda gay right?” Alex asks, this time it’s his turn to be on edge.

“Why?” Meredith asks him. “Wanna come over to the dark side?” Izzie teases him.

“If Alex were coming over to the dark side wouldn’t he NOT be doing it with people like, well, the two of you?” George stumbles on his sentence of hypotheticals.

“Right.” says Izzie. “But he can still ask,” Izzie offers.

“How did you know ?” Alex says to them simply.

“I was really into princesses when I was a kid” Izzie starts.

“Wow who knew, Bethany Whispers” Alex mocks her as she gives him a fake scathing look.

“Anyways, when I was into all the princesses I thought I wanted to marry them instead of their princes. Not all the time, but mostly” Izzie explains to him simply.

“How did you know?” George asks Meredith, curiously, as if he were digging deeper for a reason which may or may not have something specific to do with HIM. 

“Well I wasn’t as young as Izzie” Meredith starts. “But I would get these vivid dreams” Meredith explains. 

“And then I’d see these women, walking around in my real life. And when I touched them, or they touched me in some way, I could feel it , ya know” Meredith tries to explain.

“It’s like I feel like my body wants to move closer to girls. Or have their hands wrap around me like a glove” she tries harder and still feels like she’s missing her mark.

“Were you ever in love with a woman?” Meredith asks of Izzie. 

“Not yet, not in love, in love. But I could be someday” Izzie says. “I’ve dated some girl here. I find girls better kissers but then that’s just me” she says. 

“Have you?” Izzie asks Meredith quietly now.

“Been in love? With a woman? Or dated one? Or what?” Meredith sort of fumbles on what she is saying.

“All of them I guess? George says with a puzzled look.

“Hey don’t think of this in a gross way” Izzie catches on to her friend. “Sorry” George mutters.

“In love, I don’t think so quite yet, but I easily could,” Meredith starts to say. “I dated one woman, Sadie a long time ago. She left me or I left her in Amsterdam. It wasn’t pretty” Meredith says. “But while it was happening it was the best that I’ve had so far at least” Meredith shrugs.

“As in-” Alex starts to say before Izzie reaches into the back seat and slaps his wrist. 

“We do NOT need to ask Mer that '' she saves Meredith from the obvious trouble.

‘Thank-you ” Meredith is mouthing to Izzie as she re-focuses her eyes on the road. 

“What about you boys then, how about those boy-on-boy kisses” Meredith teases back.

“You know, for what it’s worth Mer I get why you called that boy McDreamy. He’s good with his tongue” Alex says with a grin. 

“ SERIOUSLY?!” Izzie is exclaiming at him and he pulls his wrist away so that Izzie can’t slap it again. 

And strangely, the thought of Derek’s tongue in someone else’s mouth doesn’t send her into as much of a rage as it did when Addison’s tongue was in Cristina Yang’s mouth . 

Because that made her all kinds of dark and twisty and made her run all the way to her apartment at six-thirty this morning, which she hadn’t explained to her friends yet why she had already been up watering their super-queer plant when they stumbled down looking for coffee.

And bang on her door and poke at her window. And wake her up way too god early just to ask her why she kissed Addison Montgomery. Instead of what - not kissing her? Letting Izzie kiss her instead? Meredith thinks that might have made her feel worse.

Let her kiss Addison?! Meredith is in a frenzy now, remembering just how close Addison’s lips had been to her own and how soft and soothing they seemed. She remembered looking deep into Addison’s green eyes with her blue ones and noticing Addison’s eyes darkening as Meredith drew nearer. 

Had Izzie been right? Had Addison been THAT attracted to her? She wonders…

The thought consumes Meredith for the rest of their car ride as the boys chat along with each other about kissing boys and decide it’s not even all bad. 

“My dad was super homophobic” Alex admits to everyone. That got them listening because they hadn’t heard about Alex’s past before now, at all. 

“He was a dick though, so I didn’t really know about guys until college” Alex says. 

‘College’ Meredith thinks. She thinks about all the steamy makeout sessions she’d had with all the beautiful women there. She thinks about how sweet their lips tasted. How feverish they were. How she always felt a tinge of pride when she was the first woman they’d been with and they loved it... 

‘If Addison really did want to hump her bones right then, Meredith would have been the very first woman to touch her, like that ever.’ Meredith relishes the thought. ‘God, how she could devour that beautiful body’ she wonders. How the hell did Derek ever let a bombshell like that, go?

“Anyone up for Joe’s tonight?” Izzie asks, breaking Meredith out of her thoughts. 

“Absolutely!” everyone cheers. “Nine PM and Mer’s not allowed to have more than five shots at once. We have to ask Joe exactly how many she had when she blacked out last time and make sure she never goes near it again” Izzie explains the plan that they’re in on. 

“WE’RE GONNA PARTYYYYYY” Alex cheers with a whoop. 

And with that they were parking in the front of the hospital and walking right on inside. 

Addison’s car is in the wrong spot today. She comes up to her usual spot and she sees it’s been occupied already by a vaguely familiar-looking car. God, interns , Addison mutters.

She thinks it won’t be a problem until an announcement comes over the P.A system asking them to please move the car that’s parked in the red zone. 

“Oh, no, I think I’m parked in a red zone” Addison says aloud in panic. 

She asks Izzie to move it for her because she has to operate on a fake pregnancy guy for an outpatient procedure. 

Addison promises Izzie that she’ll get to assist and the boys think they’ve won but they’re only doing the pre-op prep. 

Addison sighs and she’s sure as glad that this didn’t happen when she had Meredith’s key still attached to her own. 

Izzie notices that Addison doesn’t have the familiar-looking key on that ring anymore but doesn’t care or know enough to say anything about it or ask. 

She just decides to get on Addison’s good side since they’ve clearly bonded.

Addison asks Izzie about the boys in her life and she looks at her like “Do you see that I have to put up with” and Addison laughs.

She thinks that Addison is alright, right now. And that Izzie wishes she could have given Mer that honest answer this morning when she had asked her. Though she wondered why she had asked her. 

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that they looked like they were eye sexing each other during the Truth or Dare game the other day. Probably . Izzie thinks to herself.

But she sure as HELL wasn’t going to ask Addison about THAT.

When Izzie asks Addison a question back about the boys in her life, then she says she’s “not doing to talk about Derek” to her. To which Izzie agrees wholeheartedly and curses herself for asking such a dumb question.

Izzie apologizes and says that she’s lost herself and she forgot who Addison was.

And Addison takes that as a compliment and says that she’s not ready to move on anyhow. 

“Plus that no man has caught any of her interest since the whole Derek and Mark ordeal.”

The way Addison says this she’s not trying to imply that a woman had caught at least her INTEREST since she lost Derek. But she’s not exactly subtle in the way she’s not denying it, either and Izzie starts to notice she’s getting shifty under Izzie Stevens’ gaze. 

Izzie says “I'll keep an eye out for any potential suitors for you Addison”, to which she laughs.

She says “it’s nice to have an intern as a wing woman”, and Izzie agrees if Addison agrees to help her too.

Addison says she will, and then for some reason, Izzie confesses her terrible time with Alex,

Despite all the weirdness going around at Seattle Grace recently, chatting with Addison didn’t seem like it was at all weird after their games. It just seemed like she was talking with a friend. A REALLY SMART FRIEND, who shows her cool medical stuff. 

But still, more than a regular boss would be. She likes it. She likes talking to Addison, she thinks. Much more than she ever tolerated talking to Burke or to Derek or to Richard or to Bailey , Izzie also lumps in with that thought. 

She asks Addison “what’s the greatest lengths that she’s ever done to be good for someone, when it hasn’t worked out, but that wasn’t about the whole Mark or Derek thing”, carefully.

And Addison tells her about how a long, LONG time ago, she asked one of her good friends Sam Bennett not to ask her out but ask her best girl, friend Naomi out instead.

Because she had the biggest crush on him and she knew it, and she didn’t want a boy to ever come between them. Naomi is Addison’s person she explains.

“Like me and George?” Izzie says. “Or like Mer and Cristina,” she adds. “Yeah,” Addison says.

“And they got married together - Sam and Naomi I mean. They have a kid now. She’s gorgeous. I'm her godmother and I don’t get to see her as much as I wish I could” she says sadly.

Addison thinks about how if she had just said that sentence to Meredith, she would probably wrap an arm or a hand around her hip or her shoulder now, and say to her “I’m sorry” softly as if it were at all her own fault for a problem that happened maybe even before she was in high school. Then Addison thinks about why she is thinking about talking to Meredith while she's talking to Izzie and she freaks out a little before coming back to her senses. 

Izzie Stevens doesn’t wrap her arm around Addison’s shoulder or apologize. Instead, she just smiles and says to her. “You’re a really good person, Doctor Montgomery. I know you might not always do the perfect thing. But I think that that was sort of the perfect thing then” she says to her. 

And it has been so long since someone told her she’s doing or done something right, that Addison sighs in content at the intern’s genuine compliment. 

Addison says to Izzie how she did that for her friend and never told Naomi that. She never would, never could. Not if it could cost them their marriage and their friendship with Addison. 

“Does it sort of stress you out to keep all of those secrets?” Izzie pry's at her a little and Addison’s not sure exactly what Izzie is and isn’t asking her about it.

“It does, a little” Addison finally answers truthfully, though she’s thinking to herself more about the secret whatever she’s been keeping from Meredith this whole time. 

“You know, this has been nice,” Izzie finally says to her.

“I told you, you had a knack for my specialty, Stevens,” Addison says to her and Izzie smiles at the compliment again.

“No I meant the talking,” Izzie says to her. “You treat me-us-interns. You treat us like we’re really people. And for what it’s worth, that’s worth a lot to me right now” Izzie says. 

Addison says “thank you too” for the company to Izzie and stops her before this conversation could get any weirder.

“Maybe you’ll meet a better boy or girl for yourself at Joe's or that Alex will sharpen up.” she laughs. And Izzie laughs too and notices how Addison hadn’t only said to her boy OR girl, but both. 

“Izzie says hey maybe I’ll ask Joe to point out someone who’s confessed their life tragedy to him. I bet he has all the best stories about EVERYONE” Izzie cheers up with a grin.

Addison says that “he sure probably does after all of these years”. And Addison sighs.

Addison realizes she REALLY needs to go to the bar tonight to tell Joe not to tell Meredith not to tell any of the other interns or her husband that she took Meredith home that night and tucked her in bed when he’d called only one cab for them both. And then she realizes the more she says that whole monologue in her head, that she’s starting to sound more and more insane. 

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***** END OF CHAPTER 15

Chapter Text

Previously, on “Falling Apart, Barely Breathing”:

“Maybe you’ll meet a better boy or girl for yourself at Joe's or that Alex will sharpen up.” she laughs. And Izzie laughs too and notices how Addison hadn’t only said to her boy OR girl, but both.

“Izzie says hey maybe I’ll ask Joe to point out someone who’s confessed their life tragedy to him. I bet he has all the best stories about EVERYONE” Izzie cheers up with a grin.

Addison says that “he sure probably does after all of these years”. And Addison sighs. 

Addison realizes she REALLY needs to go to the bar tonight to tell Joe not to tell Meredith not to tell any of the other interns or her husband that she took Meredith home that night and tucked  her in bed when he’d called only one cab for them both. And then she realizes the more she says that whole monologue in her head, that she’s starting to sound more and more insane. 

Chapter 16: Break On Through, Part Six

“Hey Addison, can I ask you one more thing” Izzie pulls Addison out of her reverie and shifts uncomfortably.

‘ What could Izzie possibly be asking me. NOW.’ Addison thinks to herself.

“Maybe, I might not answer.” Addison shrugs noncommittally. 

“What did it feel like?” Izzie begins her question before Addison catches on.

“To kiss Cristina Yang?” she finally says, simply.

Addison chokes for a minute and tries rather unsuccessfully to cover it up with a cough. 

Izzie only looks at her with intent as her eyes glaze over a bit as Addison tries to recover. 

Addison is reliving the experience of the raven-haired intern shoving her tongue down her throat and her soft lips caressing Addison’s. She’s decided that kissing a woman is different than kissing a man and that she can’t help but wonder what… other women tasted like...

Addison could see her lipstick on Cristina’s lips after that and it made her feel a bit guilty. Not that she had anything to be guilty about, right???

‘Well, I mean you’re technically still married’

‘Yeah, but that’s not what you’re feeling guilty about, now is it?’

‘Right. I was thinking about how I wished it was Meredith shoving her tongue down my throat.’

‘Ah, yes. The lusty intern you can’t seem to get out of your head. You’re really into her aren’t you?’

‘Oh, god shut UP. Christ, I am ATTRACTED to her. Because she’s always empathetic, she sees lines between good and evil that shine a light on the darkest days, she’s undeniably sexy. She’s a talented surgeon who has a way with patients. She brought ME some Cheetos which I started to like. She’s funny, witty, always seems to smell like lavender and I just, can’t get enough of her’

‘Wow, that was a real Nicholas Sparks monologue there, you might be gayer than Ellen DeGeneres if you keep going like this at that rate’

‘There is no GOING like this. I’m not GOING anywhere. I am MARRIED. God, I really need to be not married anymore. I am SO going to call the lawyers to file the paperwork this evening with Derek. I just can't STAND having to have his name attached to mine anymore. No, sir.’

‘You can’t stand being married to Derek because you want your shot at dating Meredith and you don’t want to be a cheater anymore.’ says her thoughts. 

‘Well actually I can’t stand Derek as well so that’s ALSO the point, but yes, if I ever wanted to, hypothetically speaking, make any advances towards my soon-to-be-ex-husband's-ex-girlfriend/mistress then yes, a divorce would be necessary’

‘You realize that this “fatal attraction” type puppy crush has got you sweating out of your skin almost 24/7 now. To the point that it’s getting INSANE, right? I mean you were just fantasizing about her tongue down your throat while standing in front of your OTHER intern. You know, the blonde one who used your keys to move your car this morning when you parked in a red zone.”

‘You know, the one who is standing RIGHT THERE STILL WAITING ON AN ANSWER’

‘Shit’

‘SHIT’ Addison swears as she breaks out of her internal dialogue. God, she had to stop having those at such inopportune times. 

“KISSING CRISTINA WAS SHIT FOR YOU?! Jesus, Addison” Izzie swears at her using her first name before her eyes open up wide when she knows she’s wrong and she tries to backtrack immediately.

“Oh, no, no, I am so sorry I didn’t mean to say that” Addison forgives her and doesn’t mention her cursing. 

“Oh” is all Izzie says back and then she’s staring right at her again as if she was trying to get a better answer. 

"Why? Why do you want to know? Why this, why now? Addison asks of Izzie. 

“I just want to know what your first experience kissing a woman was like. I won’t tell anyone else about it. I won’t tell Cristina what you say no matter what so you can be honest, I promise.” Izzie reassures. 

No, Izzie would DEFINITELY NOT be telling Cristina Yang about this. Not about the fact that she’s talking to Addison now about how Cristina’s lips must have tasted on hers. And how she’s maybe, okay, REALLY high-key jealous that Addison had gotten to kiss on Cristina, and she hadn’t. 

“Well…” Addison hesitates because she wonders how on EARTH she has become the kind of Attending physician who was about to describe how her intern’s lips felt when they were sucking her lips into them while she was on her lap.

But then Addison goes on because she also realizes that Izzie really seems to want an answer, and not for a porny reason like to fantasize about after, but because she seems to care about Addison’s feelings about it all and she seems like she genuinely just wants to know.

And besides of which, her own Ex-Husband was the kind of Attending who had been screwing an intern while still being married and not even telling her (the McBastard he was), Preston Burke was the kind of Attending who knocked another intern up and then was apparently so awful that she felt she had to HIDE IT, from him until she collapsed and nearly died.

And Richard Webber Chief of Surgery was no saint at all, either. Even SHE had known about his life-defining affair with the one Doctor Ellis Grey which had lasted for YEARS, which he thought no one else ever knew about. (But everyone had known about it. Even Adele Webber had known about it. And she talked to Addison about it and that’s how Addison knew.)

Was that why she felt sorry for Meredith Grey? Because she never really had a clear family because her mother was off having an affair with the Chief of Surgery and her father, Thatcher Grey was too dim-witted and drunk to even recognize it for what it was? Because she felt pity for this girl who was sort of like Richard Webber - Still her friend now - His kind of transplanted daughter?

No, that can’t be right, Addison thinks better of this to herself. Addison hadn’t thought about Richard Webber and Ellis Grey in years and years. She thinks that maybe all of this is why she and Adele became friends because they both felt so lonely when their husbands didn’t come home. And maybe how she and Richard became close friends because they could relate to each other because they had both been having affairs. God, was she like some kind of GO-TO-GIRL-ABOUT-ADULTERY-NOW? 

I mean, technically, that kiss with Cristina was adultery too because she and Derek hadn’t signed and sent in their divorce papers yet. But whatever. It’s not like Derek was ever coming back to her anyways. No, that she’d want him to. Not when she could maybe have Meredith Grey alongside her instead… Jesus, Addison. You REALLY have to get it together at work…

“Kissing Cristina was good.” Addison deadpans. At Izzie's raised eyebrow she continues for a second.

“She’s a good kisser. End of story.” Addison adds curtly.

“Did you like it, enjoy it… With her… I mean with a woman... The kissing… I mean….”

Izzie trails off because she’s asked the question she’d wanted to ask and tried to cover it up with the other question she should have asked first… Not that she should be asking Addison any of this at all, but was it really so obvious she was asking because she wanted Cristina…?

  “Well, yes. I did enjoy kissing a woman I guess. Thanks for checking in and asking, Izzie” Addison says with a shrug. 

Tell me if you’d want to do it again? With her? Would You? Would SHE?

“Cristina doesn’t want to kiss me again, by the way, for whatever that’s worth to you,” Addison says, as she can feel Izzie’s eyes asking her silently in a question she can’t seem to make herself form. 

“She told me that, after. Cristina did. Just so you know. She’s not into me. It was more of a just for a game or a dare sort of thing.” Addison says so Izzie is clear.

The last thing that Addison needs now is for the whole hospital to think that she’s suddenly pining over Cristina Yang. Because THAT would be ten tonnes of effed up right there.

Because then it could get around to Meredith who might think she doesn’t want her ... Addison thinks in her head before she can stop herself. And that, that right there. That for some reason that Meredith Grey might think that even if she’s into women - now - was already - is? Anyways, that even if she’d be willing to kiss another woman again-

For Meredith Grey to think that Addison is single. Ready to mingle, and not wanting to mingle with HER just because she kissed Cristina Yang on a dare - THAT, was the new scariest thought that started to mill about back and forth through Addison’s racing mind.

THAT would be so much worse, even, than Meredith finding out about the note, her previous worst fear on earth. WOW. Ok, Addison. Glad to know you’re not afraid of bombings or drownings or shootings or car crashes or plane crashes or electrocution sinkholes or fires.

It’s real good to know you have all your priorities straight. Or gay. Or bisexual. Or WHATEVER. 

“Why are you asking me this Stevens? Is this a proposition? Because I really don’t think that this is a good way to ask a girl out” Addison says to her, teasing her gently to lighten the mood. All in the while hoping to god that she’s correct in guessing that Izzie did NOT have a ‘thing for her’.

“No, I’m not propositioning you” Izzie laughs and exclaims all of the sudden, to Addison’s relief.

“I mean like, not that I do find you attractive, as a person and as ah- a woman. Don’t take that wrong. It’s just that I really want to be on your specialty and I don’t want to date my boss.” she stammers. 

And Addison is at least mostly convinced by now, that at the very least the good that has come out of this very inappropriate conversation which she was also sort of enjoying in a weird way along with Izzie Stevens, was that at least she knew then that this intern was not going to pine over her endlessly. 

And she already knew from Cristina that SHE had a thing for Izzie now, which Addison was being super careful not to give away in her answers, either. And so among Bailey’s interns, that just left Karev, O’Malley, and Grey. And she would turn down both of those boys in a heartbeat if it would give her even the slimmest fighting chance to be with Doctor Meredith Grey…

“And also, I have my eye on- on someone else that’s all” Izzie says to her shyly.

Perfect! Addison’s brain is just screaming at her out loud now. Now I know all of the girl doctors at Seattle Grace now other than me are not interested in me except for Doctor Grey who just might be someday. SCORE!...

And maybe now Addison would get to tease Izzie just a little bit for fun here and there. Somehow she’s feeling that being on this side of the equation was much more of a satisfying experience than being on the other end of it as she previously had been all before. 

“Are you going to tell me who IS? Addison asks her with a smug sort of look.

“Maybe?” Izzie’s motioning her to offer her something in return for that information.

God damn these interns are clever, Addison thinks to herself. I wonder if Grey is this smart...

“I’ll put you with Cristina Yang on 2 Pyloric Stenosis babies once we schedule them if you tell me who your secret love-interest is” Addison offers with a generous huff, she’s not actually annoyed, just amused. 

And the way Izzie’s face lights up bright the moment Addison mentions her name, Addison knows right away it’s Cristina she’s thinking about, and that’s why Izzie was asking Addison about kissing Cristina, and that’s why she was being so shifty earlier. Good, at least she’s not still trying to figure out information about the damn note thing again. 

“It’s Cristina,” Izzie says to her finally, mimicking Addison’s thoughts about it exactly.

“Well that works out well for you, now doesn’t it,” Addison says with a grin without missing a beat.

“Yes and no.” Izzie hesitates all vulnerable again. It’s great to spend time with her, but I don’t know how she feels about me yet. And with her being in the room and you KNOWING the whole time while we’re in the room, it’s just…” and Izzie trails off again.

“YOU CAN'T TELL HER!” Izzie exclaims with a yell to her, pleading for some understanding.

The irony washes over Addison, but she’s glad that this time she has the upper hand. And that also she secretly knows that somehow, she doesn’t think Cristina liking Izzie back is going to be any sort of problem whatsoever, based on what Cristina Yang had already said to her. Go Izzie!

“I won’t but you better be prepared, medically, I mean,” Addison says to her seriously.

“And I swear to god, Izzie if your flirting gets in the way of the patient care I’m kicking you off of the case do you hear me,” Addison says to her with a slight piercing glare, so that Izzie knows that she’s speaking in her Attending Physician and Teacher Voice, not her ‘sort of your buddy voice’.

“YES OF COURSE!” Izzie exclaims to her with almost a shout. “I WILL BE SOOOO READY”

“And treat Cristina right. I mean, if she goes out with you and all. Or even if she doesn’t.” Addison says, her eyes softening into something that’s full of sincerity and compassion. 

“She’s a good friend to you. I don’t want you to lose touch with that. She’s been so supportive and there for all of you, (Us, myself included...), and so are you, too. The five of you interns share an unbreakable bond. It’s one of the closest classes of Interns I’ve seen in my lifetime. It’s truly something MAGIC-al” Addison says to her.”

“Really?” Izzie says to her with both pride and joy as Addison nods at her in silent confirmation.

“I don’t want to see any of you getting hurt,” Addison says to her, ever so softly.

And the pain and the heartbreak that shines through Addison’s eyes into Izzie’s makes Izzie want to say the same thing right back to her for some reason, but she just can’t bring herself to say it to her, because she can’t quite figure out why it would ever be as relevant.

And Izzie nods to her slowly, showing she truly understands what Addison means, and she promises to treat Izzie well and to keep her friends close to her so they stick together. 

“And for what it’s worth, I think you’d have a better time with her, than with any of the boys.” Addison lightens now, her angst and her worries all washing away from her face. 

“Yeah? Really?” Asks Izzie hopefully.

“I do,” says Addison genuinely without having to think about it at all.

“We accept the love that we think we deserve, Doctor Stevens” Addison says to her-

In the same exact way, in the same tone of voice, she remembers she told Meredith that first night. And in the same way Cristina had said to her just the other day. And all of those instances did not make the sentence any less powerful or any less relevant to everyone than the other times.

“Thank you, Doctor Montgomery,” Izzie says to her right back. 

“I think I really needed to hear that today,” Izzie says with a hush. 

“I have one last question for YOU,” Addison says with a tease in her voice again.

“What?” Izzie indulges her, it’s the least she can do seeing as Addison said she’d keep her crush a secret, all but set her up with her in a procedure. 

“Do you like Vietnamese food? Maybe you don’t, and that’s VERY okay, see I happen to have a restaurant recommendation from someone I know, but I don’t know if I like Vietnamese or if it’s a good place to take someone for dinner, so I want someone else to take someone there first for Vietnamese... But I also heard from someone else it wasn’t that good… Addison trails off as she thinks maybe her gentle nudge . away from the Vietnamese food might have backfired....

“Vietnamese isn’t exactly my favorite but thank you Addison” Izzie says with a shrug.

“Do you happen to know of any really good Italian places though?” Izzie asks earnestly.

“I do,” Addison says with relief. “There’s one on main just south of second street” she adds.

“Thanks so much Doctor Montgomery” Izzie says to her earnestly.

“You’re welcome Izzie,” Addison says to her, pleased. “Have a really good evening”

Addison hopes sincerely that it’s Cristina she’s planning to take out on her date, and that it all works out for them.

Both Cristina and Izzie have been really good to Addison since she’s moved here.

It was funny to say that, them being only her interns and all. But she felt like she was starting to bond with them, in a professional yet friendly kind of way.

Addison really hopes that it’ll last. She really DOES care for her students.

Speaking of students though, Addison’s mind snaps to how astute her students are and how at least one of them knows her secret magical identity as Meredith’s ‘mystery man’,

And Joe would remember that she was with Meredith too - AHHHH.

‘How could I not have thought of telling Joe not to say anything’ Addison thinks to herself in a panic.

God, covering up a whole secret Identity was so much more work than covering up an affair had been when she was with Mark behind Derek’s back all those years ago.

‘Maybe it was because you were in it together with the mystery person in hiding’ Addison thinks to herself as she considers this. ‘ But in all things considered, this is a really stupid thing to be thinking about ‘Addison sighs at herself. 

God, she really needed to get to Joe’s before all those interns did. 

“I hope I will, and no problem with the car thing. I know you probably wouldn’t want to be drinking with your interns, but say hello to us at Joe's tonight if you see us there tonight after dinner tonight. Me and Meredith and Cristina and etc are all going and we want to ask Joe some important questions and ask him for a special favor.” Izzie says to her without the telltale signs of a smirk at least.

Though Izzie HAS been asking her more and more personal questions all day.

And it has been a while since the incident at hand, but Addison isn’t so sure that Joe’s even the setting won’t bring all of Meredith’s memories completely back to life again.

Addison has no idea what other i mportant information Joe might have to dole out to the interns, but she’s sure as hell going to speed out of the scrub room as soon as she could to find out. 

“Ah, right. See you there I guess” Addison says.

As Izzie jumps off the O.R. stool, leaving her alone in the scrub room.

And Addison thinks that she might now be utterly and totally, screwed.

*

*

*

*

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***** END OF CHAPTER 16

Chapter Text

Chapter 17: Break on Through, Part Seven

By the time Addison finishes her clean-up after Izzie Stevens leaves her along in the prep room, Addison is completely starving. She’s craving salt and sugar again, and embarrassingly enough she has no more of those snacks from the other day still stored in her office. 

She’d munched on all of those while nervously imagining hypothetical conversations she may or may never have with the Meredith Grey. And while she’s been freaking out internally about all of this, Addison has been burning through all those raw calories like a bonfire. 

So she’s standing in front of the vending machines again, trying to feed it her dollar. But for whatever reason, the machine just doesn’t seem to want to give her anything that she wants.

“Motherfucker!” Addison curses loudly at the vending machine, kicking it slightly with the tip of her high-heeled shoes. 

“Jeez, what did it do to you, now?” Addison hears a voice call out to her teasingly behind her and she swivels around to see who is behind her. She’s startled because she instantly recognizes the sweet voice of the blonde and she’s somehow overjoyed now to hear it directed at her. 

So Addison spins around herself, albeit much too fast apparently for these 6-inch Prada pump heels. She’s extremely off-balance now and she feels like she’s heading right for the ground. “Ahh” she screams out involuntarily as the world starts to whiz right around her. 

“Oh, Addie, watch out” Meredith calls out to her as she’s heading to hit her head hard on the wall. “Steady” Meredith soothes her as Addison feels a small but strong pair of arms wrap around her waist tightly. “Relax” Meredith coos at her so she stops tensing her body up. 

Addison listens to Meredith’s recommendation and stops struggling. She sinks into Meredith’s arms as Meredith steadies her back on her feet again. Addison just barely manages to not fall over.

As Meredith holds her, so tightly for a moment Addison’s body stops spinning but her mind starts spinning even faster and faster than before. A flurry of emotions fly through Addison’s brain as she indulges herself in how damn good her body just fits inside of Meredith’s smaller one. 

Meredith’s head rests so sweetly into the crook of Addison’s neck and Addison can’t stop herself before she’s pulling the Grey girl closer and wrapping her arms in return around Meredith’s back and shoulders. She can feel Meredith tuck her head now, into the space right above her chest. 

Addison inhales sharply as she regains her balance. The cool scent of lavender invades all her senses. Addison feels suddenly like she's gotten a bit drunk off of the sweetness of how Meredith smells and feels to her and all of this makes Addison cling onto Meredith even more.

Meredith nuzzles herself into Addison’s chest and her eyes are closed lightly as she holds Addison as she stops swaying back and forth. She can feel Addison’s heartbeat as she presses her ear to listen to it. It was beating fast before when she caught her, but now Meredith feels Addison’s heart rate speed up even more (as her own does as well…)

Sensing that Addison is a bit nervous around her but not willing to pull away from her just yet, Meredith rubs soothing circles on Addison’s back in an attempt to calm her down after her unfortunate near-fall.

(From her height of 5’10’’, Meredith thinks, Addison having hit her head on the way - had Meredith not having been there to catch her, that is -would have been reason enough to have needed to have gotten Addie here a DAMN head CT!)

Meredith so close to her now, Addison thinks to herself. She is closer to her than she’s ever physically been before, even more than that first night when Addie held up Mer’s hair and sat next to the girl on the floor. Addison has never had a reason to hug Meredith before now. 

Not that this was a hug per se but it certainly involved Addison running her hands around Meredith’s teeny waist and even lifting her up slightly onto her toes because factoring in her high heels she’s at least half a foot taller than the blonde intern. 

The heat of Addison’s body against Meredith’s own made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside. She would stay here all day next to Addison if it meant she could keep feeling her back smooth over under her touch, and if it meant that Addison would keep holding her waist so nice.

And Meredith thinks to herself Addison really DOES smell like brown sugar and spice because she can feel her perfume, as well as her natural scent and the combination, is driving Meredith just the teensiest bit more insane. She inhales as sharply as she can into Addison without being suspicious. She allows the warm air to soothe all her senses. It made Meredith feel so alive .

And as much as both Addison and Meredith might have liked that this moment be endless, this moment in time it was destined to end. The rustling of feet coming closer down the hall caused them to snap back to reality and push away from each other suddenly, and fix their clothes. 

They stepped away from each other, two more steps as they tried to look nonchalant about it. But the deep reddening onto both of their faces showed that what happened meant something so different entirely. “Ah-” Addison starts with a false start. “Th-thanks” Addison stutters again. Ohmygod!

“Maybe you need something more substantial in your stomach,” Meredith says to her compassionately. (As if it were not completely absurd that an underfed intern would be the one to nudge Addison about her healthy eating habits which have become slightly less healthy, as of late. 

“Maybe you might need to pace yourself and build up a bit more of a tolerance- Since eating all of these Cheetos all of the sudden seems to make it so hard for you to just walk straight, Doctor Montgomery,” Meredith says to her, completely and genuinely concerned for her and not smirking.

She’s staring up at Addison’s face now, in awe a bit but also in… friendship?

(Addison can’t quite place Meredith’s expression and she starts to fumble with the money in her hand and in her pocket again as she tries to remember what the heck she was even standing there in front of her for in the first place.)

“Here, let me,” Meredith offers to her, holding her hand out flat and exposing her palm.

“Coins,” Meredith insists at her as if she were asking her for a scalpel.

“Coins,” Addison says to her, placing them in her palm, a sly smile tugging at the corners of her lips. 

“So are you sure you want Cheetos again if they make you go crazy and walk into the walls?” Meredith glances, NOW smirking at her. 

“I’ve resigned myself to eating out all of the Cheetos because if I try to retrain myself I’ll just end up craving them anyhow. And the withdrawal appears to be more of a hindrance than the indulgence” Addison explains so simply to Meredith. 

“Well I guess then it’s good that you’re starting to learn what you like,” Meredith says to her with a slightly shy grin. 

“How about you Grey, you getting any Cheetos these days?” Addison asks her blankly.

“Ah, I’m not getting as much Cheetos as I’d like to, these days, but I guess that a treat with you now, couldn’t hurt anyone,” she says cheerfully.

“But you don’t have to buy them for me anymore, not today at least. It’s too much, already, what you done for me- us- my friends. I- I- Thank-you” Meredith fumbles as well with her coin and she can’t quite figure out why. 

“It’s no problem Grey, it’s my pleasure indeed,” Addison says to her more formally now that there are others wandering the hallways. 

She lets Meredith pay for her own food this time though, sensing and understanding the blonde’s need to assert to herself- and enjoying and admiring her independence and strength. 

“Wanna go eat out our Cheetos together???” Meredith asks with a high pitch squeal.

“I think I might need a soda first Grey’ Addison only laughs at her squeal.

“Truth be told, I knew I was hungry before but I’m getting quite thirsty” she shrugs.

“Here, diet sodas on me!” Meredith rushes to the other vending machine. 

“Sure can you get me a Diet Doctor Pepper?” Addison asks her, deciding that she should let Meredith treat her more often if it made her so happy.

“Sure! I’ll get one too and two straws and then we can go slurp our ‘Doctor’s together” Meredith exclaims with a shout. 

(Before Meredith realizing the potential of the double-entendre of what she just said. And as the realization of the double meaning of her words sinks right into her head... )

Addison can see Meredith’s face change from bright red to white back to blush again as she shifts awkwardly over to hand Addison her soda.

But then she recovers tremendously even before Addison does and she smirks wide and far before leaning close into Addison’s ear:

“Thank goodness you suggested we get sodas as well Doctor Montgomery” she hushes. 

“Because my thirst has been gnawing at my whole body all morning long.” she finishes her sentence. She’s so close to Addison’s ear now she’s practically biting it and Addison can feel the warm touch of Meredith’s breath on her neck.

It raises her goosebumps all over her skin and it makes Addison shiver with anticipation.

But the moment was gone now, as fast as it’d come. 

Before Addison could open her eyes she hadn’t noticed that they were closing, Meredith Grey had already begun stalking down the hallway in search of those straws.

“When do you get off Addie?” Meredith tries using Derek’s nickname for her to see if she would notice.

“Ah-” (In about maybe two minues- IF THAT if you were just keeping like, all of THAT up.) 

“Ah- I- Get-Off- Ugh- Ah” (Addison stands with her mouth quiet agape before closing it firmly to mumble out) “My shift ends at eight.” Addison finally deadpans.

“Well that sounds lucky for you,” Meredith says to her, chipper. Not catching Addison almost say something that seems kinda vaguely inappropriate.

“We’re all going to Joe’s sooner or later we might see you there then since you’re going to be getting off so early” Meredith concludes.

“Right,” Addison answers simply, not trusting herself to speak more than one syllable at a time. 

“OOPS, gotta run! My pager just went off and I better get those scans up before Bailey yells at me more!” Meredith exclaims suddenly.

“Goodluck” Addison says to her (in both MASSIVE disappointments as well as relief,) as Meredith Grey starts turning away from her now.

“We’ll eat Cheetos and slurp on Doctor’s together some other time!” Meredith looks over her shoulder and promises her in a huff. 

(Mmm, you bet we will Grey… Addison’s mind goes THERE all the way.)

(God, Addie get it together you got to stop thinking about Grey getting you naked every time that she sees you got that look on your face.)

(She’s going to see it soon you know if she’s not seen it already.)

(Wait didn’t she just call you Addie a bunch - your NICKNAME reserved for your family and close friends and you just didn’t notice till now how you liked the sound of it rolling off of her lips.)

(But maybe shouldn’t you have said something to her about all those double-entendres she was clearly making at you and you were hardly not at all encouraging her.)

(Are you actually so turned on right now just having been half-hugged by this woman, inhaled her shampoo and heard like four sentences come out of her mouth?)

(SERIOUSLY are you though? Because you seem all hot and bothered and uptight since - a while now and you ARE actually walking to walls at your workplace.)

(You can’t walk straight in a line to save your damn life when you hear her and you’re probably feeling a little tight in those panties just about now. You might actually explode if you don’t do SOMETHING about that.)

(You REALLY should do something about that. Either GIVE INTO IT AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF - you're a big girl, Addie, now - or go get some cold water right on your face because you look all fucked out now and you haven't even had a damn kiss with her yet.)

(Wait what the fuck was that YET happening in that last sentence. God you’re still waiting on the lawyers for the god damned divorce and you’re already thinking about ways to kiss the Grey girl.)

(God, Addie you really ARE such a whore. Or maybe just sexual. Or maybe that you’re just GREY-SEXUAL. Who knows? But either way, you better get it together now, because here comes Chief Webber and Bailey and Burke.)

“ADDIE” Richard Webber waves over at as Addison smiles back at him. (But the term of endearment does not fall oh, so nearly as sweetly falling off of HIS lips -or from ANYONE ELSES at all for that matter, indeed...)

“Well you sure look like you’re in a good mood today” he smiles at you too. (And that smile and everyone else’s smiles are not as eclipsing as compared to Grey’s, to her now.)

“Well, I just got some Cheetos and slur- drank some Diet Doctor Pepper so I’m all good to go again-” (Addison stops talking before she starts saying things she really shouldn’t again)

“Oh well that’s great then you can help out with our help with a consult,” Richard says to her still smiling brightly. (Shit I really AM turned so way the fuck on. How the hell am I even supposed to OPERATE being this all turned on during a WORKDAY no less? GOD ADDIE, GET IT TOGETHER FOR FUCKS SAKE-)

“Ah- Ok I will be right. I just have to get a drink I’m so thirsty” Addison fumbles (Great, now you’re even being weird now in front of YOUR BOSS. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS.)(ITS JUST AN EXPRESSION NOW SUBCONSCIOUS BRAIN. NO NEED TO IMAGINE MEREDITH GREW SCREWING YOU SIDEWAYS. OR FRONTWAYS. OR TAKING YOU FROM THE BEHIND LIKE YOU WANT HER TO-)

“Didn’t you just say you drank a Doctor Pepper?” Richard asks her, seeing her right through her lies. “I can’t have you running off to the washroom every ten minutes during surgery now you know that now Addie,” Richard says in a gentle tone. (Holy god he’s actually right about that one I really can’t concentrate I need to figure at least something out! Or Richard’s gonna see what I’m fumbling around all about and then he’s definitely going to freak the hell out...at me...)

“Right, of course, Richard. Just let me go to the washroom first so that won’t be a problem.” Addison recovers, (Mostly.) rightly, finally.

“Meet me in O.R. Two when you’re done. We have a semi-urgent patient to work on with Doctors Burke, Bailey and Shepherd. I expect you can all be on your very best behavior even given the circumstances.” (OH. SHIT. BAILEY. BURKE. AND GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. DEREK!)

Richard says this with a sort of a tense tone this time. Because he can’t feel what’s going on with Addie for real, all he can feel is that Addie is nervous and when’s starting to shake a bit. HE blames this all on her history with -Shepherd. (This time. At least. Addie sure got herself lucky there. Well she DIDN’T get lucky and that was the point. YOU ARE REALLY NOT GOING TO STOP GOING THERE TODAY ARE YOU YOU GODFORSAKING MOTHERFUCKING BRAIN.)

“Of course Richard,” Addison says very politely. “You know I always do my job right.” She adds on. (Well if Richard wants nice I’ll play NICER than Derek, you’ll see.)

“That you do very well, Addison,” Richard says to her in a compliment. “You always have, and that’s why I always want to keep you around.” He says sweetly. (AWE!)

And Addison smiles up at him before rushing off as fast as she can to splash some goddamned cold water down her face.

(As Addison ponders then, idly to herself, that it’s good Richard Webber still likes me a heck of a lot - because he’s basically a transplanted Dad to Meredith Grey….)

*

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***** END OF CHAPTER 17

Chapter Text

PREVIOUSLY ON “FALLING APART, BARELY BREATHING”:

“ADDIE” Richard Webber waves over, as Addison smiles back at him.

“Well you sure look like you’re in a good mood today” he smiles at you too. 

“Well, I just got some Cheetos and slur- drank some Diet Doctor Pepper so I’m all good to go again-” 

“Oh well that’s great then you can help out with our help with a consult,” Richard says to her still smiling brightly.  

“Ah- Ok I will be right. I just have to get a drink I’m so thirsty” Addison fumbles 

“Didn’t you just say you drank a Doctor Pepper?” Richard asks her, seeing her right through her lies. “I can’t have you running off to the washroom every ten minutes during surgery now you know that now Addie,” Richard says in a gentle tone. 

“Right, of course, Richard. Just let me go to the washroom first so that won’t be a problem.” Addison recovers, rightly, finally.

“Meet me in O.R. Two when you’re done. We have a semi-urgent patient to work on with Doctors Burke, Bailey and Shepherd. I expect you can all be on your very best behavior even given the circumstances.” (OH. SHIT. BAILEY. BURKE. AND GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. DEREK!)

Richard says this with a sort of a tense tone this time. Because he can’t feel what’s going on with Addie for real, all he can feel is that Addie is nervous and starts to shake a bit. HE blames this all on her history with -Shepherd. 

“Of course Richard,” Addison says very politely. “You know I always do my job right.” She adds on. (Well if Richard wants nice I’ll play NICER than Derek, you’ll see.)

“That you do very well, Addison,” Richard says to her in a compliment. “You always have, and that’s why I always want to keep you around.” He says sweetly. (AWE!)

And Addison smiles up at him before rushing off as fast as she can to splash some goddamn cold water down her face.

(As Addison ponders then, idly to herself, that it’s good Richard Webber still likes me a heck of a lot - because he’s basically a transplanted Dad to Meredith Grey….)

 Chapter 18: Break On Through, Part Eight

(Addison huffs as she rubs on her forearms in the scrub room. ‘The last thing that I needed today was to be in an operating room with Richard Webber, Preston Burke and my REALLY soon to be ex-husband Derek Shepherd. The very last thing she wanted today.)

(At the very least, at least Bailey will be there to keep me company and hopefully, to dispel some of the tension’. Addison sighs inwardly at that one. At least she won’t be the only female..). 

(Plus, there’s also the nagging feeling that I’m forgetting something here. Oh right - I am. I’m forgetting that as we speak, the interns are probably finishing up most of their days and they will be heading off to - what - go out for dinner? Have dinner at home? Go drinking? Go to Joe’s.) 

“JOE’s” Addison curses aloud. 

“Huh?” Miranda Bailey asks, looking up at Addison rather expectantly.

“Oh- I- I went out to Joe’s a while back and I forgot something important there. I just remembered I have to call Joe- Or go to Joe’s right after work” Addison says to Bailey who seems to accept it. 

“Glad to see you’re building a life for yourself here in Seattle,” Bailey says to her genuinely.

“Thanks, Bailey,” Addison says to her. You’re a good friend, you know.” Addison adds.

“I AM a good friend to my friends, of which I do consider you to be one of them. I am, however, on to you and your trickery Doctor Montgomery” Bailey says in her wonderful accent. 

“On to me about…” Addison feigns ignorance because she’s not so sure what inappropriate feelings or behaviors she could be referring to and she doesn’t want to give - technically she should be Bailey’s boss seeing as Addison is an Attending and Bailey is only a resident.  

But She’s Bailey, so everyone knows that in the grand order of things, that Spiritually, Bailey is actually much far above pretty much everyone else at Seattle Grace Hospital. And that she has a way of knowing everything about everyone, this ability is limited to knowing things all the damn time. 

So if Addison had to be worried about anyone other than the interns figuring out her little tricks and games, it was going to be Bailey. God. ( And here Addison thought she was grateful to have another woman in that O.R. to be a buffer for her against all the boys…)

“I know you’ve been spending so much time with MY interns over this pregnant-not-pregnant man mystery case, but if you only play games with them they ain’t gonna learn nothing,” Bailey says to her with an eyebrow up.

“Right, sorry Bailey,” Addison says to her sheepishly, trying not to sound relieved that Bailey hadn’t said stop talking to Meredith Grey.

“No more free snacks for MY suck-ups, they’ be sucking up even more now” Bailey grins at her to let her know she’s not actually mad after all. “Got it, no more snacks” Addison smiles back.

“Well, I’m done scrubbing in so I’d say you are because you started before me. I always scrub for at least 4 minutes and 36 seconds before surgery because I sing  “Think” by Aretha Franklin, at least two times, Bailey says as she walks out of the scrub room. ( And so it begins, Addison thinks to herself with a sigh.)

“CLAMP” Derek is shouting at Addison again as he tries to repair the damage inside of this patient again.

Of course, he’s not actually yelling at Addison (at least not directly-that is) he’s yelling at the scrub nurse which is even worse. It’s worse because she’s the best scrub nurse there even IS. 

And he’s taking her for granted and not even giving her a second of thought as he takes the instruments from her hands and yells for the moment to move over faster.

“ANOTHER CLAMP DAMNIT!” Derek is fuming right now. What he’s actually upset about not even Addison knows. But she knows him enough that she knows that it has nothing to do with the clamps or the nurse or the craniectomy he’s attempting right now. 

“WHY ARE YOU SO SLOW WITH THESE CLAMPS,” Derek says desperately at the nurse. 

“Derek calms down” Addison shouts at her then. She can’t stand seeing her bullied like this and Addison knows she can take him on.

“SHUT UP ADDIE,” Derek says to Addison now with a hiss. “CLAMP!” He calls out again to no one in particular.

“SHUT IT SHEP-” Even Richard Webber is yelling at Derek now. “There’s no need to berate nurse Bohkee over here now, she’s been by my side since before I was even a doctor and I will not have her being belittled by anyone in my O.R,” Richard says sensibly.

Addison mouths at him a silent “thank-you” before checking on the status of this female patient’s reproductive organs. 

 “WATCH OUT SHE’S IN V-FIB,” Preston Burke says to them as he charges the internal paddles.

“CLEAR” Burke says loudly before everyone pulls their hands away. 

“SINUS TACH,” Bailey says to them all in relief as they watch the heart rate return to its normal rhythm again and oxygen saturation in the body climb higher and higher.

“Whew” Addison breathes out a sigh of relief as she checks out the patient again.

“Oh, no I think I might need to do some stitching” Addison finds there’s some damage to the outermost part of the cervix. 

“It’s okay we can work around you!” Doctor Burke smiles widely at Addison and it makes Addison feel a bit weird for a second as she frowns at his chipper expression. 

“Here I’ll help you retract” Bailey offers as Addison stitches up the loose flesh where it tore. 

“What lovely work and such lovely hands you have Addison” Burke is saying to her now. Something is definitely weird now because she has never seen Preston Burke ever act this way-

Except for maybe when he was hitting on Cristina Yang-

Oh, no. Was Doctor Preston Burke seriously hitting on her in the middle of an operation!?

(You didn’t seem to mind at all when Meredith was being all flirty in front of a patient)

(Yeah but he wasn’t at risk of dying from bleeding out on the table at the time)

(That’s not why your mind and you know it Doctor Montgomery.)

(Shut UP not here not now while I’m working! I could kill this patient right here if I’m not careful.)

(At least even my innermost thoughts call me Doctor Montgomery when in an O.R.)

(SHUT IT!)

“SHUT IT!” Addison yells involuntarily staring right into the body cavity now.

“God these should SHUT IT!” Addison recovers her speech as she plays that she was referring to the suture technique the whole time. (Good one!) (ADDISON - 1, HER BRAIN SO FAR - 0)

“Nice work Addie,” Richard says over her shoulder with a smile. Addison beams up at him, thinking it’s nice that someone thinks she’s been doing something right for a change.

“Have you been talking to Cristina at all” Burke is eyeing her with a meaningful glance.

(Oh. That’s why he was sucking up then. HE wants ME to put in a good word with HER.)

(Meanwhile, ages ago I promised I’d put in a good word to HIM, about HER.)

(But that was before the whole breakup and the liking Izzie Stevens thing…)

(So what would Cristina Yang want me to do now???)

Addison receives her answer to that question accidentally, as she rolls her eyes at the thought and ends up catching a glimpse of Doctor Yang in the gallery.

She shoots Cristina a sympathetic sort of look as a silent question of what she should say.

Cristina mouths the words “help me” to her in a panic, so she thinks that she’s understood Cristina still wants to be in on his surgeries, despite her not wanting to speak with him personally.

“Yes, I have been talking to Cristina, she says she’s been reading up on your next few cases and that she wants in on one,” Addison says to him curtly as Cristina quietly presses the intercom to listen in. 

“Well, you can tell Doctor Yang she can ask me herself” Burke just huffs at her angrily as Addison glances up to the gallery again.

Cristina’s insistent look and not subtle wink make Addison sigh now, because that’s their ‘secret signal’ for ‘get me what I want or I will show that damn note thing to Meredith’ so Addison continues to try to win Burke over. 

“Say, Preston, don’t you think that taking Yang on as a student again would show off your skills as an exceptional Attending” Addison puts on a sort of a mock flirty tone.

But he falls for it though because he seems to be considering it. 

And as an added unintentional benefit to this plan, Derek flashes with jealousy she hasn’t seen over her in almost over a decade. 

Addison knows it’s not healthy to feel pride this way, but she does. And it doesn’t mean at all that Addison want’s DEREK back. But it’s about having power over him, making him feel more even after all of this mess. 

And it makes her feel desirable for the first time in a long time (coming from Derek at least.)

But she knows that this is not really about HER. It’s about the fact that she’s pressing him to set up the meeting with the lawyers. And about how his divorce might tarnish his ‘near perfect reputation.’

And it’s about how despite the fact that Derek doesn’t love her anymore and he has not in a while, that the simple fact is that Derek Shepherd liked that he owned her in a sense, and that she was off the market then and even now, away from everyone else. 

And this thought angers Addison all over again. Because here she was keeping his dirty little secret about Mark and the Men, while he was over there still talking to Burke about how he still wanted to date Meredith.

And it took every ounce of restraint that Addison could find in her body not to go all of “say anything” on Derek Shepherd again because as much as she wanted to, she knew it wasn’t worth it if it wasn’t for the right reasons.

A part of Addison knew that Meredith had mentioned being done with Derek.

But a part of Addison knew that Meredith loved him once (as did she) and that feelings don’t always disappear right when one wants them to. 

(Addie, you should give her a shot with him) Addison’s subconscious brain starts to think again. 

(You said you didn’t want someone who doesn’t want you back. So you better be sure that it’s you that she wants) Addison thinks deeply now. 

(But what if I lose her?) Addison thinks with a sad smile. 

(If she doesn’t want you you’re not going to push her a Derek did. You are better than that.) 

(Addison’s thoughts explain to her soundly. )

Yet the thought of potentially losing her chance with Grey forever seeps in deeply.

As Addison sews up her final stitch at the cervix she starts up once again, asking Burke about Cristina.

“If you say so Doctor Montgomery” Burke tries to show her his sexiest smile.

Addison’s gone the other route this time, complimenting Cristina’s admittedly superior-for-an-intern surgical techniques, 

(At least he’s not being all McGROSS with my now thinks Addison idly.) 

(And she thinks she even sees Bailey and Webber smile up at her for her win for their Intern.)

(And she wonders what on earth Preston Burke’s McNAME would have been.)

(Because if abandoning his pregnant girlfriend because she was too scared he would make her keep it or make the decision for her was anything to say, she didn’t think even McBASTARD would have been a strong enough word for him.)

(Besides, McBASTARD has already been taken up by Addison’s soon to be ex-husband.)

As Addison looks up at the gallery now, trying to shoot Cristina Yang a successful smile and an empathetic look, she’s not only met with Yang’s eyes but also many others she knows.

It takes every ounce of her being for Addison not to drop her scalpel when she sees all of Bailey’s interns looking down at their O.R. gig. 

Addison finds herself smiling, looking straight up into the eyes of Alex and Izzie and George who all nod down to her in approval. 

And as Cristina winks back at her and signs her a subtle thumbs-up, Addison can’t stop from looking. She’s looking for HER.

Addison wishes she could freeze at that moment in time.

The interns all up in the gallery cheering her on.

Richard and Bailey agree with her as she sticks up for nurse Bohkee.

Derek, looking a bit jealous she might finally move on from him.

Winning a win for Cristina - really because she actually wanted to not even because of the blackmail anymore. 

And all that is going on but it’s the farthest thing from her mind right now. 

Addison looking up at - (Take a Random Guess Who?!).

Who is also smiling? 

At HER. 

FOR HER.

JUST, AT HER!

With her bright beady eyes whispering “thank-you” along with her very best friend.

Just for Addison. (I DID THAT! I MADE THAT ALL HAPPEN I MADE HER SMILE LIKE THAT!!!)

If she could leave her a note right now it would surely be right to say-

“To Addison from Meredith, you did a good thing, Addie, for the Interns. Thank you, Addie, you just did a really good thing for my friend. You did a really great thing. A really good thing for me, too.” 

But it’s Meredith’s smile, brighter than all of those other bright smiles, 

That makes Addison’s heart melt, even more now than before. 

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***** END OF CHAPTER 18

Chapter Text

PREVIOUSLY ON “FALLING APART, BARELY BREATHING”:

Addison looking up at - (Take a Random Guess Who).

Who is also smiling! 

At HER. 

FOR HER.

JUST, AT HER.

With her bright beady eyes whispering “thank-you” along with her very best friend.

Just for Addison. (I DID THAT! I MADE THAT ALL HAPPEN I MADE HER SMILE LIKE THAT!!!)

If she could leave her a note right now it would surely be right to say-

“To Addison from Meredith, you did a good thing Addie for the Interns. Thank you Addie you just did a really good thing for my friend. You did a really great thing. A really good thing for me, too.” 

But it’s Meredith’s smile, brighter than all of those other bright smiles, 

That makes Addison’s heart melt, now, even more than before. 

Chapter 19: Break On Through, Part Nine

“Can I ask you a question?” Meredith says to Cristina while watching Addison (Oh, and the other doctors) operate from the gallery. 

They’ve turned off their speakerphone now so they can hear the gentle murmurs from in the O.R., but the doctors below them can’t hear what THEY’RE saying.

Sensing what will come next, Cristina braces herself for this answer.

“WhatWasItLikeToKissAddison?” Meredith stutters as fast as she can.

“Say again?” Cristina whispers closer into her ear this time.

“What was it like to kiss Addison ?” Meredith asks with a bit of a - reverence - when she pronounces Addison’s name to Cristina.

“Well…” Cristina looks into Mer’s big blue eyes, pausing before she begins.

“Addison is a very good kisser. She likes it when you suck on her bottom lip, and when you bite it. Her lips are soft and full. And she tastes like some sort of sugar and spice. It’s nice, really.”

Cristina gives a good answer, but she’s careful not to gush too much. Firstly, because she knows that Izzie is eyeing her careful now with a slight look of jealousy. Which, she doesn’t particularly mind, either. 

But mostly, Cristina is careful because she doesn’t want to seem like Addison was extremely into HER (Cristina), as she knows very well that this is not the case. And she doesn’t want to over-or under-sell the kissing abilities of their mutual boss.

Considering all of those nitty-gritty details makes Cristina’s head sort of ache, as she’s starting to grow weary of this whole ‘mystery-man-not-a-man-at-all’ game. And she’s looking into Meredith’s eyes now trying to read into her best friend’s expression.

“Hey, what’s going through your head right now?” Cristina asks Meredith rather tenderly.

“I-I-” Meredith stutters before she’s ready to start. She wants to share with Cristina, share everything that’s going on inside her head.

(She’s a bit fuzzy starting to think of it all. Those warm fuzzy feelings were growing stronger for the redhead Attending with each passing second. It was getting hard to contain all of them!)

(But on the other hand, Meredith is still super hung-up on this mystery person of hers. She doesn’t talk about it too much with Cristina. But Cristina KNOWS her, she would understand.)

(She’s not sure why she feels this special draw or special pull towards this unknown person who once took her home. But the detail in being cared for, without any sex, here in Seattle… Was…)

(It was just something special. It had to have been someone extremely selfless. And extremely selfless and caring people are not usually the types who frequent the bar across the street.)

(Usually, Meredith’s one night stands and drunken tequila lays are so bottom-of-the-barrel that she’s embarrassed to mention them. But she’s embarrassed to mention THIS one for the opposite reason.)

(She’s scared to get too attached to someone who might no longer be interested in her after all. I mean they left her a note with no NAME on it for god’s sakes and she got her key back shortly after with no more notes and no words and no signs.)

(Maybe this ‘mystery person’ - somewhere along in the bitterness Meredith had resigned herself that she had no proof it was a man. Or a woman. But she didn’t want to generalize either.)

(Maybe this ‘mystery person’ did not ever or would not have any romantic potential with her at all. At first, Meredith had thought that it had been a love note. But could they just be a friend?)

“Mer?” “Hey, what’s going through your head right now?” Cristina asks Meredith rather tenderly. Even more tenderly than the first time.

“Oh, I was just thinking about, well, Addison ” Meredith lets her name fall from her lips before she realizes she’s said it.

“Ah,” Cristina says to her simply. “What are you thinking about then?” Cristina offers her.

“Well, I guess I was thinking about kissing Addison,” Meredith says before cursing internally at herself for letting that part slip out easily as well.

“But just ah- because you were talking about it- I mean-” Meredith fumbles, trying to backtrack even more. 

“It’s okay for you to think about that,” Cristina says. And it might have been one of those perfect things for Cristina to have said to her in that moment then. 

“You don’t think that that’s wrong?” Meredith asks quite suspiciously. 

“No, I don’t think that it’s wrong” Cristina smiles to her simply. 

“But it SHOULD be, right? I mean I broke up her MARRIAGE. I dated her HUSBAND."

"She didn’t know about ME."

"I didn’t know about HER."

"And then she shows up here all leggy and fabulous and I just - I just couldn’t ever look away,” Meredith says sort of in a daze. 

“I mean when you put it THAT way, it is a little messed up. But I mean you are dark and twisty McMeredith. If the She-Shepherd is sort of your thing you be you” Cristina jokes with her.

“But she wouldn’t be She-Shepherd once she divorces the He-Shepherd” Meredith says to her hopefully.

“Touché” Cristina laughs along with that one.

“So what IS it about you and married people though? This might be a problem if it becomes pathological” Cristina says sympathetically to Mer.

“I don’t know and I’m not sure the married part had anything to do with it. I AM NOT A HOMEWRECKER, or at least I don’t try to be” Meredith says with a huff.

“It’s true; Derek didn’t even tell you about Addison” Cristina nods at her gently.

“And then Addison shows up and she’s not hard to hate you know. And she saved your damn life and I just can’t get OVER that” Meredith says with slightly watering eyes at Cristina.

“Hey, I’m not going anywhere,” she says gently. “I know, but that’s because Addison’s fingers are MAGICAL!” Meredith says before she thinks more of it.

“What?” Meredith says with a confused sort of look.

“Nothing I’m just wondering if you were just thinking about Addison’s magical fingers running all through your hair or rubbing circles onto your thighs” Cristina smirks at her. 

“CRISTINA!” Meredith exclaims. “I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT SURGERY!”

“But I bet NOW that you’re thinking about her hands in other places. On YOUR places” Cristina laughs at her as she sees Meredith’s face start to flush and her eyes start to wander below.

As Meredith starts to consider some of the scenarios and more that Cristina mentioned...

(Like Addison’s fingers up over her thigh. Lacing them with hers and then kissing them with her lips. Like Addison running all up and down Meredith’s legs. Like getting to touch ADDISON’s legs.)

(Like her fingers falling upon her thin waist again like she had when Meredith held her. Getting to hold Addison’s body so much closer to hers again. Like Meredith feeling how she breathes.)

(Like feeling how Addison’s luscious Red hair would feel running through her own fingers through it. Seriously, she looked like a GODDESS. How could Derek give THAT up, she just had to ask him someday…)

(Oh and Addison’s hands running through HER hair. Meredith imagines that would feel just AMAZING. And having her long fingertips brush over her lips. And dip over her breasts…)

(And run down her back. Oh and her long fingernails. Meredith imagines her on top of Addison and Addison digging her nails right into Meredith’s back. The pain and the pleasure.)

(I wonder how Addison LIKES IT in bed. Is she tender and soft? Is she quick, fast and dirty? Is she a slow kisser or a fast kisser? Does she like tongues? I like lots of tongue Mer thinks.)

(Would she kiss the way Derek does because that’s what she’s used to? If I kiss her should I kiss her the way Derek kisses ME because I would guess that’s how she liked it?)

(Or would that just not make sense because if she’s splitting with him maybe their sex wasn’t great at all. See it’s weird because I’ve been in bed with Derek. And I have a crush on Addison. But I don’t like to think of them in bed TOGETHER because then I get jealous of DEREK.)

(And that makes me rage. And then I start thinking angry thoughts. And then I start thinking angry kinky sex angry thoughts. Like if I ever got mad with Addison how I’d just back her right into a wall.)

(And then I’d start kissing her rough till she begged me. And then I still wouldn’t stop kissing her until she took my hand by the wrist and shoved my fingers inside of her pants.)

(And then I’d screw her all senseless until she finished so hard. And then I’d want her all over again so I’d throw her onto my bed. And then I would ravage her body with hot kisses and touches.)

(And then I’d finally let her touch me back once she’s come several times. And then I’d want her to go HARDER and FASTER and MORE. So then I’d buck my hips into her. And then she might pull my hair.)

(Or maybe I’d pull on HER hair. Or at least bit her earlobe. I bet her collarbone would taste really delicious. And that I’d want to give her all sorts of hickeys so everyone knows that she’s MINE.)

(And I’d want her to suck on MY neck too so I could feel her hot breath there. And then I’d want to feel her tongue there. And then I’d want her mouth on my breasts. And I’d love that Mmm-)

“Mmm-” Meredith imagines…

“MEREDITH!” Cristina shoves her into her side.

“Whoa, what?” Meredith asks her as if nothing had happened.

“You were MOANING, in the gallery, of the O.R. that we’re sitting in!” Cristina hushes to her.

“OH SHIT!” Meredith swears suddenly and cups her hand to her mouth.

“Jeez, you were calling out like a whore. I’m sure that Ms. McDreamy would probably get off on it and all. But I am NOT Addison so I do NOT need to hear you moaning for her” Cristina says.

“I am SO EMBARRASSED” Meredith blushes profusely.

“There is a lot more sort of serious things that I like about Addison ” Meredith starts up again.

Cristina nods more at Meredith to go on, knowing Mer could go on all day about her crushes.

“She should hate me but she never ever has. The first day I worked with her she requested me;

"I thought it was to torture me but it wasn’t. She just wanted to see who I was. Some morbid curiosity maybe? Some penchant for self-destruct buttons? Who knows..." 

Cristina starts to smile at Meredith finally expressing her feelings for Addison. To someone at least. To her best friend. 

It was hard for Cristina. It was hard in the beginning, hard for her now.

She felt like she had to be this sort of unhelpful Yoda at times; playing the two sides of the coin like an intricate dance.

She wishes that sometimes, someone in her life had done this for her.

Well, okay. Addison had sort of helped her. And Mer. Well, all her friends really. She was lucky.

Not that she needed much help to sense that she and Izzie had possibility - maybe? Cristina can see the way Izzie is eyeing her curiously and how she just looked away after stating. 

So maybe she doesn’t need that much help in the ladies department, after all. Or maybe it was just so much sheer dumb luck that the girl that she liked-liked her back or so it seemed that way…

“Hey, are you listening Cristina!” Mer exclaims at her all of the sudden. “Huh, yeah. Right. Addison.” Cristina fumbles. 

“Stop staring at your crush when I’m talking to YOU about MINE,” Meredith says to her. 

“Hey POT, meet KETTLE!” Cristina whisper-shouts back at her. 

“You’re staring at Addison right here right now!” Cristina says right back.

“Shhh, I think Addison is giving directions. I wanna hear her talk” Meredith hushes her with her shoulder a bit.

"Case in point” Cristina mutters as they listen in on the surgery below.

They can’t really hear them well, with no microphone on. But they don’t dare switch the switch talking about what they’re talking about. 

Burke, Bailey, Richard, Derek, and Addison are all still operating on this woman who is in not such good shape.

Luckily, she has stabilized for now and appears to be doing better. 

During this time the doctors tend to talk about other things as they finish the tedious work of sutures and stitches.

And somehow, as always (to the frustration of Miranda Bailey especially,) the doctors are now talking about their own love lives. 

“So how was Cristina in, you know?” Derek asks Burke out in the open.

“Pretty damn good,” Burke starts to say. But Addison cuts him right off to say “I do NOT want to hear it, Preston” giving him a rather nasty glare.

Bailey and Richard get mad at Burke for taking advantage and being the kind of guy who would want a little girlfriend to feel the need to lie for him.

“Why are you interested in her?” Derek asks her in a tease. 

“WHAT?!” Addison exclaims, going red by the second. “WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU THINK THAT!” she exclaims.

“Well, the fact that you are denying it so far makes it seem rather plausible,” Derek says to her then. 

“That doesn’t mean that I’m interested, Derek, just rather shook up that you are my husband and that you’re asking me if I want to date one of our colleague's ex-girlfriends??”

“After she JUST had an ectopic pregnancy that I had to save her from which she was hiding from you-

Preston Burke because she might have been afraid you’d make her keep it or abort it or do something that she did NOT want to do with her own body.

Burke is being a tool to Cristina for breaking it off, Addison thinks. 

“So that’s what I’m so upset over.” Addison lands rather far from her starting point.

“See, the way you just defended her both to me and to her ex-boyfriend makes me wonder even more than before.

"Are you turning into a lesbian Addie? I got to say maybe our marriage was bound to fail for that anyhow” Derek says to her with a McStupid McSmirk.

“I- I- I DO NOT HAVE A THING OR A CRUSH ON CRISTINA!” Addison exclaims with a thud.

“It’s okay if you do I would understand it rather well” Preston Burke starts to offer.

“Really Preston, why would that be?” Addison asks him.

But she regrets asking that question the way he smirks at her then. It’s a dirty rather suggestive smile that Addison starts to see as SO much more repulsive than ever before.

“Because you both are extremely hot and attractive and driven young women,” Burke says to her. “And I’ve been attracted to both of you at times, so I can see where you might be attracted to each other that’s all” Burke confirms.

Bailey is giving Webber a pleading look to make them stop this, but Webber is concentrating rather hard on his surgery so he’s not really hearing a whole lot of what anybody is saying.

“NEVER GONNA HAPPEN, PRESTON,” Addison says with a humph. “The nerve of you even, flirting with a MARRIED WOMAN while she operates on a PATIENT with her HUSBAND as her assistant” Addison fumes now again.

“But you always keep insisting you call him your EX-HUSBAND” Preston Burke shrugs at her.

“She does,” Derek confirms with a shrug. “I find it alright actually I still have my eye on someone else anyways. Plus I talked to the lawyers now and we can get the divorce settled potentially by tomorrow night. Are you free then? Derek asks her. “We could go to dinner first,” he offers.

Addison bursts into a snort because “divorcing people don’t go on dinner dates, Derek” she just says to him in a sort of a huff. “But we’re just having dinner anyways,” he says in his McDreamy eyes. 

“Just to say goodbye though” Addison finds herself giving in to him. 

“Just until the divorce. Just until you go.” Derek looks up at her hollow this time. Like he’s searching for something like he wants not to have her back, but for something.

It’s fascinating that they are both happy to be separating. But there still is this pull. They were friends for a long time so it’s understandable they’d feel a longing for a specific closure. 

“Do you have anything in mind?” Derek asks her. “No, just not Italian or Vietnamese,” Addison asks of him

(Because secretly she sort of wants to take MEREDITH there, to the Vietnamese place Cristina Yang name-dropped her ages ago. And she wants to go there the first time with HER and not HIM.)

“How about Thai then?” Derek asks with a smile. Like he’s asking her out on their first date all over again. Which was also Thai. 

“Trying to reel in some nostalgia” Addison asks a bit bitterly. 

“It’s just - I knew you liked it that’s all,” he says honestly and Addison accepts Derek’s answer.

“Or at least, you wouldn’t hate it” his eyes roughen over again and Addison sighs.

“Very well, Thai it is” Addison concedes now.

“So are you?” Derek questions at her once again.

“Am I?” Mirrors Addison with a questioning tone.

“Are you becoming a LESBIAN?” Derek says with a jeer.

“God, you really don’t give up on that one, do you” she swears.

“Lesbians are hot,” Burke says to her the same way a 14-year-old boy might.

“They are,” Derek adds with a smirk.

“Ugh, men” Addison wants to throw something like a brick at them now.

“Ugh, men is what usually lesbians think about boys in the bedroom” BAILEY now chimes in here.

“WHAT!” Addison exclaims at Miranda this time. 

“Well, you ASKED” Bailey gives her that all-knowing glance.

“Ugh, fine. I find women attractive. But I don't want to date Cristina Yang. Are we satisfied now?” Addison says with a huff.

“I KNEW IT,” says Derek. “You always looked at your best friend Naomi sort of that way. Mostly while you were drunk but there was a look in your eye. A look that used to be only for me…” Derek continues.

“It was the lust look. The one you’d get when you were on your like- cycle or something. The one that meant that I should take an early night off, buy a bottle of champagne and wash the sheets over again” Derek says with a smirk.

“I- really? You did all that? ” Addison says in surprise. “You have certain tells in your body you know. When you want something. When you want SEX. Like your hips move more than before, or you start to rub on my shoulders more often” he says. 

“I’m surprised you’re only telling me this now,” Addison says a bit stunned. 

“It hurt to say it because it wasn’t always directed at ME,” Derek says with sadness. 

“And more than half the time it seemed like it was about a woman,” he says. “You’d see a hot girl at the beach or at the bar. Sometimes you’d flirt with her, subconsciously, I guess, at least. More times it was that they would be flirting with YOU. And you'd, I don't know you'd just enjoy it a lot, a lot more than one might expect...from someone completely straight” he says.

“It was all really innocent, you never moved forward. But the way that you looked at those women, the way that those women molded you in their hands if they did touch you, even accidentally. I don’t know, I guess I always wondered, that’s all” he says softly. And Addison just nods at him in simple understanding.

Addison realizes the pain he might have caused to Derek through this. But she gives him a look that lets him know it’s on his side too. 

Addison has been watching for years how Derek has fallen in love with his male best friend. And she’s sad in a way, too that her husband could not admit this part of who he was, either. 

And the difference now is that Addison is admitting her (apparently not-so-newfound-) feelings of attraction towards the same sex - in her case towards women - in general -

(generally directed to one woman in particular - Meredith Grey - But she's not ready to admit THAT part out loud to anyone - anyone ELSE - not yet at least...) .

But she’s not going to force out Derek to do the same unless he wants to, which he clearly doesn’t because he’s looking away...

(As Meredith looks down at the pain and the sadness in Addison’s eyes, all she wants is to be able to hold on to her tight. She wants to wrap her arms around this tall woman just like she did when she slipped.)

(Meredith wants to catch Addie right out of the air. She wants to be there when she falls. She wants to be around for her hurt. Meredith wants to be the kind of person her mystery person was to her.)

(Although she’s still not over that ‘mystery person’. And although her crush on this woman is still in its infancy. Or maybe it’s preschool or even it’s childhood years. Maybe teenage? Yes, Teenage feelings that’ll do.)

(Meredith still thinks to herself, throughout all the heartache she’s had; she’s never had the same as Addison either. Sure they were both hurt by Derek. But she was never married then divorced.)

(She was never in something so deep 11 years - half Meredith’s life Addison had been with this person. And now she can see all the mixed emotions clouding Addison’s face. And all Meredith wants to do is to brush the tears off of Addison’s cheek and to tell her she’s okay.)

*

*

*

*

*

***** END OF CHAPTER 19

Chapter Text

PREVIOUSLY ON “FALLING APART, BARELY BREATHING”:

“Mer?” “Hey, what’s going through your head right now?” Cristina asks Meredith rather tenderly. Even more tenderly than the first time.

“Oh, I was just thinking about, well, Addison ” Meredith lets her name fall from her lips before she realizes she’s said it.

“Ah,” Cristina says to her simply. “What are you thinking about then?” Cristina offers her.

“Well, I guess I was thinking about kissing Addison ,” Meredith says before cursing internally at herself for letting that part slip out easily as well.

 “So are you?” Derek questions her once again.

“Am I?” Mirrors Addison with a questioning tone.

“Are you becoming a LESBIAN?” Derek says with a jeer.

“God, you really don’t give up on that one, do you” she swears.

“Lesbians are hot,” Burke says to her the same way a 14-year-old boy might.

“They are,” Derek adds with a smirk.

“Ugh, men” Addison wants to throw something like a brick at them now.

“Ugh, men are what usually lesbians think about boys in the bedroom” BAILEY now chimes in here.

“WHAT!” Addison exclaims at Miranda this time. 

“Well, you ASKED” Bailey gives her that all-knowing glance.

“Ugh, fine. I find women attractive. But I don't want to date Cristina Yang. Are we satisfied now?” Addison says with a huff.

“I KNEW IT,” says Derek. “You always looked at your best friend Naomi sort of that way. Mostly while you were drunk but there was a look in your eye. A look that used to be only for me…” Derek continues.

“It was the lust look. The one you’d get when you were on your like- cycle or something. The one that meant that I should take an early night off, buy a bottle of champagne and wash the sheets over again” Derek says with a smirk.

“I- really? You did all that? ” Addison says in surprise. “You have certain tells in your body you know. When you want something. When you want SEX. Like your hips move more than before, or you start to rub on my shoulders more often” he says. 

“I’m surprised you’re only telling me this now,” Addison says, a bit stunned. 

“It hurt to say it because it wasn’t always directed at ME,” Derek says with sadness. 

“And more than half the time it seemed like it was about a woman,” he says. “You’d see a hot girl at the beach or at the bar. Sometimes you’d flirt with her, subconsciously, I guess, at least. More times it was that they would be flirting with YOU. And you'd, I don't know you'd just enjoy it a lot , a lot more than one might expect...from someone completely straight ” he says.

“It was all really innocent, you never moved forward. But the way that you looked at those women, the way that those women molded you in their hands if they did touch you, even accidentally. I don’t know, I guess I always wondered, that’s all” he says softly. And Addison just nods at him in simple understanding.

Addison realizes the pain he might have caused to Derek through this. But she gives him a look that lets him know it’s on his side too. 

Addison has been watching for years how Derek has fallen in love with his male best friend. And she’s sad in a way, too that her husband could not admit this part of who he was, either. 

And the difference now is that Addison is admitting her (apparently not-so-newfound-) feelings of attraction towards the same sex - in her case towards women - in general -

(generally directed to one woman in particular - Meredith Grey - But she's not ready to admit THAT part out loud to anyone - anyone ELSE - not yet at least...) .

But she’s not going to force out Derek to do the same unless he wants to, which he clearly doesn’t because he’s looking away...

(As Meredith looks down at the pain and the sadness in Addison’s eyes, all she wants is to be able to hold on to her tight. She wants to wrap her arms around this tall woman just like she did when she slipped.)

(Meredith wants to catch Addie right out of the air. She wants to be there when she falls. She wants to be around for her hurt. Meredith wants to be the kind of person her mystery person was to her.)

(Although she’s still not over that ‘mystery person’. And although her crush on this woman is still in its infancy. Or maybe it’s preschool or even it’s childhood years. Maybe teenage? Yes, Teenage feelings that’ll do.)

(Meredith still thinks to herself, throughout all the heartache she’s had; she’s never had the same as Addison either. Sure they were both hurt by Derek. But she was never married then divorced.)

(She was never in something so deep 11 years - half Meredith’s life Addison had been with this person. And now she can see all the mixed emotions clouding Addison’s face. And all Meredith wants to do is to brush the tears off of Addison’s cheek and to tell her she’s okay.)

Chapter 20: Break On Through Part Ten

(The moment that Addison realizes the words that had just come out of her mouth she realizes it’s far too late now to take them back.)

(Yes, what choice wording that was. Addison has officially “Come Out” to an entire O.R of Attending physicians as well as Miranda Bailey. And she’s not sure what to think of all this…)

“Bovie,” Richard Webber asks of Bokhee, the scrub nurse. “Bovie” she confirms as she places the tool in the palm of Richard’s hand.

(Did I say it inside of my head? Did they not even hear a word of that conversation? Did I imagine it? Is that why no one is reacting to the fact that I am newly BISEXUAL!?)

(Maybe not so NEWLY, more like, newly DECLARED. Or ANNOUNCED, rather....)

“So like, you really want to lick the pussy?!” Is Preston Burke’s next scintillating question.

(Whelp, nope I guess I really DID say that last part out loud, now didn’t I- Well, here goes…)

Addison thinks to herself how she’ll handle this onslaught… what if the INTERNS had heard.

(What if MEREDITH GREY had just heard, heard her declaration of homosexual tendencies!!!!????)

Meanwhile, Bailey’s interns are now throwing LITERAL peanuts at each other in the gallery.

“Seriously!” Izzie says to them all when she doesn’t share.

“It’s the PEANUT GALLERY!!!” Alex says to her as if he’d been the most genius person in the whole wide world to think of THAT one. 

“It sure is the peanut gallery,” Izzie says back to him without sharing more, missing the play on words completely as the other interns are laughing from Alec Karev’s pun.

“Ooh look at that quality repair,” Cristina Yang says. She’s looking down with open eyes as the surgeons complete a tricky part. 

“Nice!” George O’Malley cheers, pretending he’s not leaning closer to Alex to pick a peanut off his scrub top with the tip of his tongue.

“YOU GUYS!” Meredith admonishes them all. 

“How can you be actually eating PEANUTS OFF OF EACH OTHER IN THE DAMN GALLERY!” Meredith yells just a little.

“Well you were just m-” Cristina cuts herself off before she mentions it.

“YOU DO NOT EVEN FINISH THAT SENTENCE CRISTINA!” Meredith looks at her seriously.

“You were just mentioning that it’s pretty cool how sort of soundproof these walls are, right?” Cristina says with a smirk.

Meredith knows she’s had a clever word that starts with an “m” planned all ready to go.

“Yeah, I was just mentioning that,” Meredith says with a grin. “And it’s right that I mention it because we wouldn’t want the ATTENDINGS to know all this peanut nonsense we’re talking about in our own PEANUT gallery in the gallery up here.” Meredith laughs.

“Plus we can say that when we tell them we couldn’t hear a single word they have been saying to each other for the past like hour and a half and we don’t want to always be on the speakerphone” Meredith shrugs. 

“I used to come here as a kid and play with my anatomy jane doll. She had so many removable parts. I even got the pregnancy extension set for my eleventh birthday” Meredith says to them all excitedly.

“Wow, even your childhood was medical. I am SO jealous of your inbred MEDICAL ROYALTY” Cristina says to her all in a fake huff.

“Yeah, well if YOUR mother was Ellis Grey you wouldn’t say that for SURE” Meredith whines to the others.

“Hey, you’ve met MY MOTHER, ya wanna trade for a decade?” Cristina laughs.

“Ok, I see your point!” Meredith squeals at her, reaching over to steal another one of Izzie Stevens’ peanuts.

“Well lucky you! My mom was nice when she wasn’t all sick” Alex says.

It’s the first time Alex has said anything at all about his family and everyone thinks about that.

But then he looks all scared and awkward and NOT Alex Karev,

So then George O’Malley saves him by saying that HIS mother Louise O’Malley literally knits swears like, “ALL OF THE TIME, IN EVERY SINGLE COLOR EVER!”

And they all laugh and Meredith jokes that if she ever gives up sex and drinking maybe she’ll take up knitting sometime.

And then Izzie Stevens throws a peanut at her because she says that’s the “most absurd thing she’s ever heard.”

And Cristina leans over REAL close to Izzie so SHE can steal a peanut on purpose.

And Izzie purposely leans away and back in her chair so Cristina will practically have to crawl right onto her lap to get one.

(And Meredith smiles at them both and thinks about how SHE’D like to be crawling on SOMEONE’s lap just about now.)

(And she’s sort of happy because she’s still just having gotten over not-McDreamy)

(And she’s really found herself in these recent times without anyone.)

(So she just sits there, in silence, watching George and Alex smooch once before laughing.)

(And watch how Cristina and Izzie are holding hands under their chairs now.)

(And how she’s the only one of Bailey’s group of their interns who is all alone now.)

(And she’s still thinking about that damn ‘mystery person’ and the note they left her)

(She wonders if Cristina secretly kept it. That would be a Cristina-shaped sort of thing to do.)

(She wants to ask her but she’s having so much fun with Izzie now she won’t bother her.)

(And she wonders more about this mystery and how long in her life she’ll have to keep wondering.)

(She’s decided she should maybe consider setting a timeline. Like a personal boundry)

(Like, if she doesn’t find the ‘mystery person’ in the next three weeks or two she should give up on them.)

(Because she’s not sure she’s willing to be with someone who’s held out that long to a secret.)

(And maybe they were trying to give her space to breathe and to get over her breakup.)

(She imagines she spoke about Derek that night since they broke up then.)

(So maybe they were just waiting until she was ready.)

(IS SHE READY??? How would she know how WILL she know?)

(Meredith thinks to herself as she joins in her friend’s conversation again.)

(She’s focused on what they are saying now so she can’t hear all the banter below.)

“So like, you really want to lick the pussy?!” Is Preston Burke’s second time asking that question!

(Whelp, how the hell do I even ANSWER a question so vulgar as that while at work.)

(Truth be told, Addison’s not necessarily gotten THAT far into her fantasies, so she’s sort of lost.)

“Well if you need any hands-on lessons about how to give love to a woman, well you know where to find me” Burke snickers a bit to her as he reaches over her hand for a clamp.

(‘EW!’ Oh wow, if you’re thinking ‘EW’ about men in bed all a sudden maybe you really ARE gayer than you even though you were in the first place…)

“Well that’s a generous offer, Preston but I’ll have to politely decline,” Addison says to her colleague politely.

She doesn’t want to rise to his bait unnecessarily, nor feigned any sort of interest whatsoever.

“You know I bet that she’d like women better. I mean she’s a GYNO for god’s sakes. She practically LIVES for vaginas. Should you be working at your job? Is that even appropriate to have your patients around you?” Derek says to her a bit meanly.

But before Addison steps in, to defend herself, it’s Miranda Bailey who seems to have her back beyond her wildest expectations.

“Doctor Montgomery has been nothing but professional with her patient care, and I’ll say that it’s very brave of her to be opening up a very vulnerable part of her own personal life with us.” Bailey starts.

“And furthermore, I do not believe that a person’s sexual orientation, much less their anything else like that for that matter - should have any sort of overlapping generalization to do with their work.” Bailey continues.

“And we all know that the correct term for Addison Montgomery’s chosen medical specialty is OBGYN, as well as neonatal and fetal surgery, notwithstanding her groundbreaking genetics research. So you can stick your prejudices back up where they came from!” Bailey concludes.

“Thank-Thank-You” Addison stammers out a bit at Bailey’s bold stance.

“That’s no problem, Doctor Montgomery,” Bailey says to her, using her unmarried name on purpose because she knows that Addison likes that now.

“But you better not be foolin’ around with any of MY interns you hear that. Not man nor woman interns I don’t want no more Attendings getting in any more of my intern’s pants.” Bailey says to her sternly.

“The last thing that MY students need is for the likes of their teachers, their mentors, and their superiors to be taking off all their clothes with them and then breaking their hearts all over here left and right” Bailey adds. 

“Because when all that happens, now that affects MY day. And my day is hard enough handling the likes of YOU FOOLS-” Bailey gestures to the Attendings around the room now to know that she’s talking all about THEM now. 

(Good God, Bailey sure is some BADASS at bringing some sense into people!)

(About that bringing that sense into people, you did hear that part about not ‘foolin’ around’ with interns right? And that was directed at YOU, too, about a certain GREY girl as well…)

(Oh, hush now, Bailey’s not even finished what she’s going to say! Listen to the rest first.)

“So if you want to screw around with men, women, people in general then don’t go screwing around with your students or anyone else lower than you on this food chain in the hospital” Bailey doesn’t waver, not even one little bit.

“But that said, I know that the heart wants what it wants sometimes, and you just can’t help yourself from that. I don’t want to deprive anyone THE LOVES OF THEIR LIVES-”

Bailey softens a bit when she says that. “Hell, I know I found one of MY lovers and he wasn’t even in the same type of job that I have and I love him all the same. It ain’t perfect but we have what we have now together. And I know I wouldn’t have wanted to have rules from that...” Baile keeps on explaining.

“Look, all I’m asking is that if - if you do decide to date one of the interns - ESPECIALLY if it’s one of MY interns like you two both did before…”

(Bailey is eyeing both Preston Burke and Derek Shepherd for the moment at least, not you at least, Addie.)

“Then I suggest you think long and hard about whether you’re doing this because it’s for YOUR best interests in your lives or for THEIRS. Because there’s a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time…”

“And I don’t want any of MY interns or anyone else’s interns for that matter to be wastin’ they’ time on the likes of YOU if you don’t know for certain that’s what THEY want as much as it is what YOU want…” Bailey continues.

By now even Richard Webber is smiling proudly at his young protege to be delivering what he himself cannot even construct in such a well-ordered manner. 

(Given his own past ANTICS around Seattle Grace it might have fallen on deaf ears coming from HIM.)

(Him being the one who was screwing Meredith Grey’s MOTHER in this very hospital.)

(While she was still with Meredith’s father before she left him, but Richard never left Adele.)

(Wow, being in that kind of love triangle must SUCK” Addison thinks ironically to herself…)

(And then Addison zones out again just for a few moments.)

(And speaking of Meredith, she’s now considering all of HER potential lovers.)

(SHE doesn’t want to be caught in a permanent love triangle like her 2 or 3 parents-? )

(And how will she ever pick between these two lovers if they come forward at once!)

(Because she has sort of mythical things on to both of them.-)

(Them being the mystery person’ and ADDISON, that is.)

(She knows it’s maybe not healthy to think of either of them all this much or this way.)

(But as her friends are giggling and sharing their peanuts and their peanut-gallery jokes and opinions all around her, she’s with her BEST FRIENDS and she should be happy.)

(She IS happy, she loves them, they love her too. Some of them REALLY seem to be loving each OTHER right about damn now.)

(And she lets her mind wander again, Meredith looks at how her friends are feeding each other peanuts in the so-called-bubble of a PEANUT GALLERY.)

(And how SHE’d like to be feeding Addison peanuts right out of the box.)

(And how she’d break all the rules of the gallery just to take Addison a snack.)

(And that she’d love it if someday Addison would give her the same)

(BUT THAT SHE DOESN’T KNOW IF ADDISON WOULD EVEN EVER LIKE WOMEN AT ALL- much less someone so scrawny and small like herself without all the other crap who she was to that girl.)

(And she doesn’t know if Addison would be the type of Attending to want to date a STUDENT.)

(AND one with all of her dark and twisty and mommy and daddy issues like, also…)

(And even in her magical gay fantasy world where ADDISON really DID want her BACK…)

(And she doesn’t know if she would want to wait, like FOUR YEARS to go out with her.)

(But she’s not so sure that she WOULDN’T want to wait for Addison, then, either.)

(There’s a sneaking part of her that’s sort of saying she’d wait forever if she could have that beautiful girl…)

(Meredith stares down at Bailey now, who seems to be giving a lecture or something.)

(But the room is too quiet to hear anything without the speakerphone.)

(So all she hears is the laughter of her friends, which joins in with them all out anyhow-)

(Even if she looks away periodically, subtly and not too easy to notice, sometimes, she looks down to the O.R from her seat in the gallery but never for too long or too hard.,)

(But just for a second so she can watch Addison Montgomery’s hands weave her stitches…)

Addison bats an eye up to the gallery now, and all the interns as she weaves her last stitches, still listening to all of Miranda Bailey’s speech whirring by.

She can see the interns all laughing and sneaking peanuts into the gallery.

Addison smiles to herself, remembering her residency days and how she once did the same.

(Addison focuses back on Bailey’s speech completely now.)

“So if you’re certain that what you want and what they want and what you two are capable of is an ADULT, MATURE, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, then MAYBE I will consider it a good thing. BUT ONLY IF, and only if, you recognize that until the day they graduate from the program-”

“That you - we - not that I’m at all on the scene right now - but that we, as their teachers, will ALWAYS have the upper hand. So it’s much harder to navigate consent, and sex, and rules, and boundaries, and pacing while you’re dealing with someone who’s your student” Bailey says.

And as she drones on more, the interns are all snuggled together-some more than others at least...

Despite Cristina Yang being totally invested in cuddling with Izzie during this long operation,

Something she hasn’t and won’t mention YET is that she can read lips like a pro.

While she was examining the superior surgical skills of the surgeons down there,

She’d also read off of Addison’s lips that she’d said she was attracted to women, but just not HER, Cristina Yang.

Now, to anyone else a comment like that might have HURT.

But to Cristina, it all came as a sort of relief.

She’s already had that conversation with Addison, and they had a mutual disinterest in liking EACH other, that way at least.

Though Cristina admits to herself Addison IS a good kisser, she’s a good kisser in that she imagines what IZZIE kisses like.

And that’s what she’s MOSTLY just thinking about now.

But she’s also thinking in the back of her mind, that probably Meredith would really like how Addison kisses. 

And by the look on her face just short hours ago she seemed pretty stoked on the idea.

And how Addison has come out to HER ex-boyfriend and Meredith’s ex-boyfriend and all of their bosses both Bailey and Webber.

But she hasn’t really come out to the interns - namely Meredith - in the open.

And Cristina thinks this is one of those moments she should save for Addison to do for herself. Coming out is personal and important she knew already.

So she keeps quiet about the lips she’s read, checking the looks on the other intern’s faces to see if they saw what SHE saw.

But they hadn’t seen it, because she knew them and Cristina knew they would have said something.

So then she cuddles even closer into Izzie right now, she wraps her arm over Izzie’s shoulder as Izzie plants a soft kiss over her head.

And she decides to be happy, for Addison to share the truth she knew from the beginning, for Meredith to start to share her feelings about Addison.

Happy for George and Alex to have found a new piece of their existence and to enjoy each other,

For herself, to being resigned to meddling in her “unhelpful-at-times” Yoda behavior.

And she just lets herself be adrift and at peace, as she closes her eyes just for a second so she can enjoy Izzie’s head fall into the crook of her neck, as she tucks her head down right into hers.

“We are not children anymore, we’re all of age. Bailey continues again with her rant.

There’s nothing WRONG, per se, with them the interns dating you or you dating them. But there will always be questions; always a risk of giving them an upper hand in their surgeries or not and going the other way and punishing them, too” Bailey continues.

“And there will always be an amount that they will think that you are their heroes, and they may love you for that, and not for you you are outside of the O.R” Bailey says gently, knowing that that one might strike a nerve with Preston Burke and Derek Shepherd.

“I’m not gonna make a rule. It’s not right for me to make a rule. I’m not gonna make you kiss and tell. I’m not gonna ask you to tell me who you kiss and I beg of you PLEASE to spare me the gory details. I do not talk about sex - EVER. Not any KIND of sex-” Bailey rambles.

“But I do talk about people’s feelings, and I do talk about people’s hearts. And I do talk about communication, and learning, and love and of loss. So if you ever want to come to me and ask me your REAL questions, because you CARE about somebody that damn much-”

“And I mean that you CARE about somebody, not that you lust over them or have these dirty little dreams or secrets about them. If you honestly do care, and you want to do things the right way, you come to talk to me about YOUR feelings (not theirs!) and you talk to the Chief, and he’ll be there.-”

“And we’ll be there for each other. We’ll get through this. We’ll see” Bailey smiles.

And as she finishes up her long speech, and as the room is silent for a second. 

And as the boys hang their heads a bit, reflecting on what they’d done in their past,

Addison thinks quietly to herself for a moment. About all of what Bailey’s just said.

(Addison thinks about how SHE feels about Meredith, and how MEREDITH might feel about HER-)

(She thinks of all the ADDED complications they have between them. Her divorcing Derek, Meredith previously dating Derek. Derek’s secret about HER. Addison’s secret about HERSELF.)

(Addison realizes that in all that she’s been trying to protect Meredith from herself, but is she doing more harm than good hiding behind that note and that key and that damn potted plant?)

(Speaking of that damn potted plant, Addison wonders idly if it managed to straighten itself out after she’d knocked into Meredith who’d knocked into it and knocked it over.)

(She’d tried to straighten it out when she laid it there in the kitchen but every time she touched it, the plant just seemed to be less and less straight so she gave up on straightening it and just made sure it was soothed into its pot with some water.)

(Like all it needed was someone to care for it, to cherish it. To love it then, after it had just been knocked over and had been neglected on the ground, almost completely trampled over by the time Addison had circled back to it after putting Meredith to sleep...)

(She even talked to it a bit before she left. Like who even does that?? Talk to a potted plant. That's how really fucking lonely she was then. Still is. Sorta...)

(They say it’s good for carbon dioxide or photosynthesis or something…To talk to plants. I mean?)

(Oh, heck Addison you’re getting yourself WAY off of topic!)

(STUPID POTTED PLANTS THE DAMN THINGS NEVER STAY STRAIGHT WHEN I TRY TO TOUCH THOSE THINGS ANYWAYS. MAYBE I GUESS I DON’T HAVE A GREEN THUMB AFTER ALL!)

At least by this time, Addison has realized she zones out in a thought spiral often enough that she brings herself back before anyone can ask her more questions.

“So you’ll think about everything I just said? ALL OF YOU” Bailey is even eyeing at Richard now.

“Yes, I will think about it, thank you, Bailey, ” Addison says to her in a way that Bailey knows-

Knows Addison’s not talking only about her long speech, but also about the way she stood up for her.

“Well, you’re very welcome,” Bailey says to her with the same subtext.

“BOYS!” Bailey bellows out loud for them to get their attention.

“Yes, Bailey” Preston Burke, Derek Shepherd - Even Richard Webber mumble in unison.

“Well, that’s good then. And congratulations again Addison, as I said, it’s an honorable step” Bailey smiles.

And Addison smiles back at Bailey, honestly glad for all that she sticks up for the Interns, too.

Addison chances another glance up to the gallery now, and Meredith Grey meets her eye just for one second before she’s looked away and blushing again.

And Addison has the very same reaction that Meredith does and she tries to hide it by then looking right at the floor.

Bailey never misses one, ever, so she sees exactly how Addison and HER INTERN MEREDITH GREY were just making eyes at EACH OTHER.

But she’s not going to have that conversation with Addison, now.

And she might not even have to if they never act on it all anyhow.

Bailey thinks that there might be a bigger story here, but she keeps to herself, trusting Addison entirely.

(Because unlike all those 3 boys, she does trust Addison most, and she thinks that she’s someone that Meredith Grey might grow into trusting as well.)

So instead, all Miranda Bailey does is that she looks up at Addison, looks her right in the eye.

Bailey can see the weariness, the hurt, and the loss. She can see the sadness, but she can see hope , as well. In Addison’s eyes, she can see the teeniest glint of hope, that is. 

So she turns to her fully and says to her softly “We accept the love that we think we deserve, Addison,” tenderly caressing the syllables of Addison’s first name, even though they are in the O.R right now.

Because Bailey is not talking to “Doctor Montgomery-Shepherd” anymore. She’s not talking to “Doctor Addison Montgomery,” either. Bailey is speaking directly to her, now. 

As a friend.

And hell if it isn’t exactly the words that Addison needed to hear right now.

All she needed from Bailey or anyone, then, is to know that no matter what, that someone is at her side.

As they finish up the operation, an urgent page comes for all of them - even the interns - from down in pathology.

The ‘pregnant man’ apparently has a Teratoma, the results just came back.

Addison smiles as she sees the interns scurry down to 

Richard assigns Addison to take out the Teratoma first as it still resembles a pregnancy, and Bailey assigns Karev and O’Malley to work with her on the abdomen.

Addison tries not to frown when she doesn’t get Grey.

And Bailey tries not to smirk a little at her near-frown.

Richard assigns Preston Burke and Bailey to keep operating with him and Derek down here on their current patient, and Bailey asks for Grey, Yang, and Stevens to stay in working with them.

But at least, Addison thinks to herself, at least I know they’re not all TALKING TO JOE! AND ASKING JOE QUESTIONS ABOUT HER! AND THAT NIGHT!

(And Addison decides at that moment that she’s not ready to share her feelings to Meredith, ABOUT MEREDITH)

(She’s not ready to share her identity as the 'mystery man'.)

*But that she’s just outed herself to an entire room full of her work-equals, not social equals always… or at least in her humble opinion though Webber and Bailey are certainly alright.)

(And that she’s tired of being so lonely and afraid about 'all of this gay business.')

(So the moment the interns are about to rush off to their assignments,)

Addison comes out loud and proud to say “Oh, and by the way, I’m at least kinda HALF-GAY, I mean for real I mean- I- Girls- Am-women…. You know have a good afternoon”

(Addison stumbles and reddens completely. She’s at a loss of her words so she looks down.)

(She looks down RIGHT AT THE FLOOR. She doesn’t look up, not for hours it feels like.)

(And she doesn’t look up because she can’t bear to see the shocked look on everyone’s face.)

(She doesn’t look up at all before half the interns have gone to scrub in and she-)

(And Alex Karev and George O’Malley have left the room to care for the ‘not-a-mystery-pregnancy-patient-no-more’)

(She doesn’t look up. She didn’t look up. Addison NEVER changed even a glance up.)

Not before she’s already out into the hall and long gone from the room.

(But, if Addison HAD looked up, she might have given a glance to her crush on the Intern-)

(The intern Meredith Grey. Who would have smiled back at her with a wink and a blush.)

(And then maybe they might have known then, known how Addison felt for her.)

(Meredith might have known how Addison felt al the things that she, more and more felt back.)

(Maybe they might have sensed even MORE from that moment - mysteries, secrets revealed?)

(But Addison never looked up, never glanced even once to her - anyone’s way.)

(So Meredith is just standing there with Cristina and Izzie inside the scrub room.)

(She’s staring at the blank space at where Addison had just then been standing.)

(She can feel Cristina SMIRKING at her from over there.)

(But Meredith doesn’t even look up at Cristina, either,)

(Because Meredith Grey doesn’t quite want her best friend Cristina to know yet-)

(Though she has no idea how much Cristina already knows yet-)

(Just how happy Addison Montgomery's newfound admission about her being at least half-Gay, had made Meredith Grey's whole day-)

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***** END OF CHAPTER 20

Author’s Note:

THANK-YOU folks all SO MUCH for the raving reviews of this piece. Every kudos/like/star. Everytime this story is followed or favorited or bookmarked or subscribed to. Every COMMENT - I live for your comments and waking up to them every day is my favorite. I’d LOVE some feedback on this work as we know it. It’s not the end of the world though, even if you can’t. 

But I’d still love to know your feelings, your favorite moments, your funny quotes, the things you are surprised at. And also the things that you might wonder about, or be frustrated or feel another emotion by reading this one. It’s a SLOOOOOOOW burn, I know. But we ARE getting there. I mean, hell, ADDISON JUST CAME OUT ! GO ADDISON ! And Meredith was THERE!

So what do you think will happen next? Let me know in the reviews, I ALWAYS write back to each and every one if I can (I can’t on fanfiction if you are a guest…). And I love the long and daily discussions picking the chapter apart. Fans have given me lots of plot ideas and have helped to plug some MAJOR plot holes (like JOE outing Addison. So if you find mistakes tell me and help I’ll REALLY appreciate it.

Enjoy the next approximately 24-48 hours before the next installment. I do update almost daily now, like clockwork. But if I have enough written and I get enough reviews I MAY POST EARLY!

THANK YOU FOR READING !!!!! LEAVE A NOTE, IT WILL MAKE MY DAY <3 <3 <3