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English
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Published:
2020-07-15
Completed:
2020-07-21
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3,743
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2/2
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44
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You Mean More to Me Than You Will Ever Know

Summary:

After Gwen’s Coronation as Queen, Merlin questions his destiny, and the cruel reality of Arthur and his relationship. Merlin is on the edge of an emotional breakdown when Gwaine comes to comfort him.

In other words, this fic is how I am reconciling the fact that A.) Gwaine is in LOVE with Merlin, B.) Gwen is the best character, and deserved all the happiness that Camelot could give her, and C.) there was no way that Merlin survived that whole coronation ceremony without his heart breaking.

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Merlin stepped outside into the cool night air, leaving the noise from the castle behind him. The feast started after the Coronation earlier that evening, and showed no signs of ending soon. Camelot had much to celebrate, after all. 

The wind cut across the battlement and gave him the chills, but he didn’t move to close his jacket. He gripped the edge of the stone parapet, flexing and letting the rough surface bite into the tips of his fingers. Looking out, Camelot was speckled with glowing dots of amber, each one providing warmth and life to the people down below. He could still remember his first time seeing the view, witnessing the kingdom laid out for miles had taken his breath away. Before then, he had never been higher off the ground than the old pine tree in Ealdor that he used to climb as a kid.

 

Things had been simpler then. 

 

He hoped his mother was well.  

 

Another distant eruption of cheers brought Merlin a little too close to reality again. It only made the ache in his chest spread. Soon there wouldn’t be anywhere left for it to go.  Why did he come? Why didn’t he turn around and go back home when he saw that first execution? Why was he so important anyways? He didn’t earn this, it just happened to him.  The worst part is that the war against magic didn’t scare him away, no. Any sane person would have valued their life more. But after Arthur appeared, he didn’t anymore. To Merlin, the danger was worth it. Worth being by his side, seeing his smile, keeping him safe.

He messed up. He didn’t know to keep his distance until it was too late. 

At least he got to see them happy. He loved both of them so much, and even if he couldn’t be happy, they could be. That eased the pain, but worsened the emptiness in his chest. Maybe he should go back to Ealdor and check on his mother. He wouldn’t be needed for the next few days anyways. Earlier, Arthur had started to explain that he wanted some alone time with Gwen, but Merlin cut him off by accepting the offer before he could finish. The loneliness became very apparent once that conversation was over. 

Things were never going to be the same, were they?

Footsteps in the tower stairwell caught his attention. Gwaine reached the top and leaned his good shoulder against the archway, looking at Merlin with a small smile and an expression that he couldn’t quite place. How did he know he was here?

“Why aren’t you at the feast?” Merlin chose to ask a safer question.

“I’ve got a headache.” Gwaine tapped his head as if to prove the point.

“Then why aren’t you resting?” Merlin looked Gwaine up and down. Morgana’s men did a real number on him. There were bruises on his face and no doubt several bandages hiding under his clothes, his left shoulder was the most obvious one. Gwaine had been avoiding using that arm when he thought that no one was watching. Merlin felt bad that he couldn’t have helped sooner. 

“You know me Merlin, I can’t say no to a free drink,” Gwaine smiled with warmth despite the self deprecating joke. He could dodge a question like no one else in Camelot. “I could ask you the same.”

“I don’t have a headache?” Merlin’s joke fell flat, but he tried to smile and brush it off.

Gwaine just looked back at him, and Merlin wondered if he could see right through his paper thin veneer of calm. Merlin shook his head and looked back out at the city in order to escape Gwaine’s perceptive eyes. He was silent for a while, and eventually Gwaine slowly walked up to the wall and stood next to him, taking in the view as well.

“I am happy for them, Gwaine. I truly am!” Merlin’s voice remained light but tears started welling up in his eyes. He refused to move his gaze away from the blurry lights in the distance. “They both deserve the best in this world. Gwen was my best friend when I first moved here, ya know that? I could not think of a kinder, more honorable woman to marry the king,” he paused, smiling was getting physically exhausting. “To marry Arthur,” he corrected. He didn’t want to continue, but the words were spilling out of his mouth before he had a chance to think about them. 

“He really loves her. Like, really loves her.” It was getting hard to breathe. “I’ve seen the way they look at each other and-” His voice cracked, not allowing him to finish his sentence. He stood tall, with his head up. His heart was breaking but he refused to look like it. Physical composure was the only thing he hand left. He gripped the stone wall in front of him so hard that his fingers could have bled. Merlin needed to keep it together.

He felt a hand on his back, warm and reassuring. He was terrified of how comforting it was. He clenched his jaw harder, breathing heavily through his nose. He couldn’t cry. Not here.

“Merlin?” Gwaine’s voice was so soft he barely heard it.

After a few moments Merlin finally forced himself to look at Gwaine. He had never seen him this concerned before. His eyes held a deep sadness to them. Emotion surged forward at the sight of such compassion and he cracked. He could trust Gwaine. Tears started pouring down his face.

“It hurts. ” Merlin couldn’t take it anymore. Gwaine moved forward and buried him in a suffocatingly tight hug. Merlin let out a heavy sob, and tucked his head into Gwaine’s shoulder. “I love him so much.” His heart clenched and another sob followed. He has never said it out loud before, and it hurt more than he predicted. Gwaine’s chest fell and his arms stilled, but only for a fraction of a second. He then resumed stroking Merlin’s back. Merlin continued to cry heavily, and Gwaine gently hushed and reassured him that everything was going to be okay. The deep consistent tone of his voice soothed Merlin, and the weight of his arms grounded him. Merlin cried for a little while longer, and Gwaine didn’t show even the slightest hint of impatience. 

By the time Merlin was done Gwaine was running his fingers through his hair and gently wiping the tears off of his face. He couldn’t imagine a better person to have helped him through this.

Gwaine spoke first, knowing that Merlin was still recovering. 

“How about we get out of the cold huh? I have mead and dice in my quarters to help you take your mind off of things?” His voice remained uncharacteristically soft and comforting.

“Yeah that sounds good,” Merlin said thickly, not able to articulate much else. 

“I’ve got a new deck of cards too.” Gwaine left a reassuring hand on Merlin’s back as he slowly steered him towards the tower on the opposite side of the battlement, away from the celebration. 

Merlin huffed out a laugh while wiping his eyes. “I can’t afford to keep losing money to you Gwaine.”

“Shame, thought you wouldn’t notice,” Gwaine smiled. Merlin felt a lot lighter than he had a few minutes ago. The catharsis of confessing his feelings and crying to Gwaine had calmed him. Soon, they made it to Gwaine’s chambers, where they sat by the fire, sipped mead, and ate some apple pie that Gwaine had stolen from the kitchen earlier that morning. They played card games, and within a few hours of stories and jokes, Gwaine had Merlin laughing again. Merlin still felt emotionally exhausted, but the sharp pain of loss had now gone away. Merlin knew that this sadness wouldn’t leave him soon, but now he could see that it eventually would. The way that Gwaine had steadily comforted and distracted him from his distress assured him in a way that no other person could have. Merlin wondered why Gwaine was so selflessly doing this for him, he knew he certainly hadn’t earned it.  

Not much later, Gwaine had laid out Merlin’s bedding in front of the hearth before the thought of sleeping had even occurred to him. Merlin was too tired to protest such extreme acts of generosity, and tucked in without argument. Gwaine laid down a few feet away, claiming that if he used the bed it would be unfair. Quiet settled for the first time since they walked in the door. 

“Gwaine?” Merlin nearly whispered.

“Yes Merlin?” Gwaine’s voice was equally soft. 

“Thank you.” It didn’t begin to cover his gratitude, but it was a start. 

“For you Merlin,” Gwaine turned his head and looked at Merlin with honest eyes, “always.”