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Ruby Rose was having a pretty decent day, all things considered. She'd eaten a great breakfast and lunch, classes were out, her team was all done training, and the Vytal Festival was starting up in just a few days! Ruby had taken the opportunity to veg out on her bed with her Scroll, listening to her playlist and surfing the CCT for anything interesting! "Huh . . . there's a bulk order Dust deal at Dust Til Dawn. I should ask Weiss to come with me and help stock up!" Ruby exclaimed, her heart full of glee. "Wait," Ruby gasped, "what's this? 'See movies, skits, games, and so much more that Remnant has never seen! No fees, no ads, no limit to what you watch! Just sign up and enjoy! Most of all, the big star of our program is YOU!' , , , Wow. That sounds amazing! I gotta show this to everyone! Lemme just sign up, and. . . done! Ok, now to go get the others!"

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"So, let me see if I have this straight,"  Weiss Schnee groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose; "You decided to download and subscribe to some strange app without consulting the rest of us, and now you want us to . . .what, exactly?" Ruby bounced up and down excitedly in response. "I just think it might be really neat to watch whatever these are with you! Come on, don't you want to have some fun for once, Weiss?" Ruby questioned her partner. The so-nicknamed "ice Queen" was not amused with the crimsonette's question. "For your information, I have plenty of fun, Ruby." Weiss spat back.

"Not nearly enough, ya wet blanket!" came the energetic interjection of one Nora Valkyrie. "I mean, come on! My grandma had a bigger sense of adventure than you, Gods rest her soul!" At these words, the other bruiser in the room decided to speak. "She's got a point, Ice Queen. I don't think it would literally kill you to go along with something, even if you're not convinced, you know?" Said Yang Xiao Long. Then, Yang's usually taciturn partner piped up. "Look, we're all together, and we can all keep an eye on things. If something goes wrong, we'll step in, ok?" Posited Blake Belladonna.

"Alright, fine!" Weiss relented. 'But I want to go on record having stated that I thought this was a bad idea from the start." At which Ruby beamed at her with her best Cheshire grin. "Yeah, yeah, Weiss. If this goes south, you get to say you told me so!" Ruby promised. Team JNPR's mostly silent member spoke next. "So, what are watching first?" Lie Ren inquired. Pyrrha Nikos decided to answer. "W-well, if everyone's all right with it, I've been looking through the selection while you were talking, and this one caught my eye; Muppet Treasure Island!"

"Sure, Pyrrha!" Ruby exclaimed. "Why not that one first?" "I've got a question, guys." Nora began. "What's a Muppet?" No one in the room had an answer for her. Ruby decided to just play the movie, and hoped the answer would become apparent.

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A bombastic, sea-faring melody greets the audience as the camera pans across jagged cliffs with seagulls flying about.

Ruby: Ooo, pretty!

Weiss: *Sigh* That is some lovely scenery.

Nora: Shush! Tryin' ta watch!

The title screen and cast list begins to show up, listing various names like Miles Luna, Barbara Dunkleman, Samantha Ireland, Jason Rose, Lindsey Jones, Kara Eberle, and Tim Curry, amongst others.

Pyrrha: I wonder who Tim Curry is?

Jaune: Probably some actor, but with the top billing like that, he might be a big shot.

Ruby: . . . Jason Rose? Wonder if we're related? Or if he's just somebody in general?

Port: I was Flint's first mate in that voyage.

Everyone: PROFESSOR PORT?!

Nora: What's goin' on here?!

Jaune: Why is Beacon's most boring teacher doing the voice-over for this movie?!

Pyrrha: W-well, maybe he does acting on the side? We don't really know what he gets up to in his downtime.

Everyone decided to roll with that explanation.

Port: Three days east of Tortola, in the Carribie. Flint knew an island. That's where we buried the treasure.

Ruby, eyes sparkling: TREASURE?!

Weiss, sarcastically: Oh, wow! Pirate treasure, in a movie called Muppet Treasure Island?! Who would have ever guessed?!

Ruby, deflated: . . . Oh, yeah, that makes sense. *Pouts*

Nora: *Singsong* Wet blanket~

Weiss: Shut up!

Port: Gold and blood, they were Flint's trademarks. He'd leave both behind him that day.

Nora: Ominous!

The camera panned to what appeared to be a prairie dog Faunus eating an apple amidst some weeds, as a foreboding melody began in earnest with the slamming down of a chest into the sand.

Pirates: ~Shiver my timbers, shiver my soul! Yo ho, heave ho!~

Weiss: Wait, is this film a musical?!

Yang: Ugh, great. I can't stand musicals. Hey, Blakey, give me some your earplugs.

Blake: No.

Yang: Aw, babe, c'mon!

Blake, firmly: No.

Pirates: ~There are men whose hearts are as black as coal! Yo ho, heave ho!~

Prairie dogs: ~And they sailed their ship 'cross the ocean blue! A bloodthirsty captain and his cutthroat crew!~

Tock: ~It's as dark a tale as was ever told, about the lust for treasure, and the love of gold!~

Blake: Wait, hold on! Are all the Faunus in this movie just playing animals based on their traits?! That's-

Weiss: Completely fine.

Blake: . . . Wanna run that by me again, Weiss?!

Weiss: Look, the typecasting going on isn't great, but look at them, Blake! They're enjoying their roles, or at least doing a convincing job of portraying that they are! Those are good actors! And they're putting everything into their roles, too! If we see a Faunus in this film cast as a blade of grass, judging just from what we've seen so far, they're going to be the best grass in the film! Is that really not okay, or are you just looking for an excuse to be offended?

Blake: . . . That. . . *Sigh* Okay. How about this? I'll cut the movie a break, if you do the same.

Weiss: . . . Fair enough!

Yang: Wow, go off, Ice Queen! Didn't know you were such a big fan of Faunus in movies!

Weiss: Representation is important, but no. I simply have a great deal of appreciation for great theater, and. . . I hate to admit it, but what I've seen of this film has been enjoyable.

Ruby: Wow, you already like it, and we're not even past the opening song yet! That's gotta be some kind of record!

Weiss: . . . Oh, Brothers, we're going to be here a while, aren't we?

Pirates: ~Shiver my timbers, shiver my sides! Yo ho, heave ho! There are hungers as strong as the winds and tides! Yo ho, heave ho!~

Prairie dogs: ~And those buccaneers drowned their sins in rum!~

Sun Wukong: ~The Darkness himself would have to call them scum!~

Blake: Sun?!

Nora: No, scum! Didn't ya hear him, Blake? You've got 4 ears!

Blake: That's not what I- You know what? Forget it.

Hermit crabs: ~Every man aboard would have killed his mate for a bag of guineas or a piece of eight!~

Tock: ~A piece of eight!~

Octopus: ~A piece of eight!~

Mosquitoes: ~Five, six, seven, eight!~

Ruby: What's a Guinea? Do they mean Lien?

Yang: And the hell's a "piece of eight"?

Weiss: I . . . have no idea.

Tiki Statues: ~Hulla wacka! Ulla wacka! Something not right! Many wicked icky things gonna happen tonight! Hulla wacka! Moolah wacka! Sailor man beware!~

Hermit crabs: ~ When de money in de ground, dere's murder in de air!~

Tiki Statues: ~ Murder in the air! One more time now!~

Nora: Moolah wacka! Moolah wacka!

Ren: Nora.

Nora, blushing: . . . Sorry, Renny!

Pirates: ~Shiver my timbers, shiver my bones! Yo ho, heave ho! There are secrets that sleep with old Ozma Jones! Yo ho, heave ho!~

Snakes: ~When the mainsail's set, and the anchor's weighed, there's no turning back from any course that's laid!~

Grimm: ~And when greed and villainy sail the sea, you can bet your boots there'll be treachery~ (Laughter)

Ruby: Are those Grimm?!

Jaune: Are those skulls?!

Nora, excited: Are those singing, talking Grimm skulls?! I wanna play the xylophone on them!

Yang: Wow. What a bunch of boneheads.

Everyone: *Groaning*

Pirates: ~ Shiver my timbers, shiver my sails! DEAD! MEN! TELL! NO! TALES!~

*BANG!*

Ruby: No!

Pyrrha: He . . .he killed them. His own men.

Weiss decided not to comment on how this turn of events wasn't actually a surprise, considering Port's narration and the song lyrics was almost literally spelling it out. Apparently, the song had been too catchy for anyone to pay attention to what was actually going on.

Port: Oh, aye. Fifteen men went ashore that day. And only Flint, his own self, returned.  Oh, aye, and then, old Flinty . . . up and died afore they could get back to that accursed island . . . and dig up the treasure. No one knows to this day who has old Flint's map.

Everyone: Now isn't that a story worth the hearing?

Ruby: Yeah, it actually was!

Yang: Port told more stories like that, I might actually pay attention to his lectures!

Pig: It was the first dozen times we heard it.

Mug: I'll drink to that! (Laughs)

Weiss: Ruby?

Ruby: Weiss?

Weiss: The . . . beer mug is talking.

Ruby: I know, Weiss.

Weiss: I'm scared.

Ruby: Aw, don't worry, bestie! I'll protect you! *Hugs Weiss*

Weiss: Don't touch me, you dolt! *Hugs Ruby tighter*

Port: But who has the map now, huh? Some black-hearted, squid-suckin' buccaneer? Or maybe it's our very own Jaune Arc?

Jaune:I'm sorry, who?

Port: Eh, Jauney?!

Jaune: If I had it, my friends and I wouldn't be here serving you rum, Mr. Port.

Jaune: I'm sorry, WHAT?!

Pyrrha: J-JAUNE?!

Nora: Holy crap, Fearless Leader's a movie star! And you didn't tell me?! How could you leave me out of this?!

Blake: . . . Funny you should mention . . .*Gestures towards the screen*

Nora: That's right! We'd be out searching for that treasure. . . Going out on a five-year mission . . . Boldly going where no man has gone before! . . . Say, that's catchy!

Nora: . . . Holy crap, I'm a movie star! And I didn't tell myself?! How could I betray me like this?!

Everyone else: *Facepalm*

Yang: Ha! Not me. If I had that treasure map, I'd be tradin' it for a decent meal! . . . Hey, Nora, you think he's gonna eat this?

Yang: W-wha- but that- how-HOW THE HELL AM I THERE?!

Weiss: *Chuckles* . . .Okay, okay. I get it. You got me, everybody. Jokes over.

Everyone stares at Weiss blankly . . .

Weiss, nervous: . . . No, come on. I've caught on to your little prank, it's over now.

Ruby: Weiss . . .

Weiss: No, I refuse! I refuse to accept that this is actually happening! That there just happens to be some . . . Magical, inter-dimensional movie service that stars people I know! It's ludicrous!

Ruby: *Gasp!* That's what that meant!

Yang: Sorry, what?

Ruby: The Ad! It said, "Most of all, the big star of our program is YOU!" THIS is what it meant!

Weiss: Wha- that's- but I- *Sigh* Fine. Fine! If you're all going to insist that this absurd scenario is our reality now, I might as well see this insane ride to the end. Might as well get it over with.

Yang: . . .Guess the Ice Queen was right. There was something weird about that service, after all!

Ruby: . . . And I'm never going to hear the end of it from her.

Port: Aye! Beware the one-legged man! He's the one to fear!

Jaune: Don't worry, Captain. We'll watch for him.

Yang: Yeah, I'll watch for him, if he's delivering a pizza! (Laughs)

Captain Port thunks Yang on the head with a mug.

Yang: Ow!

Yang: Jerk!

Port: Even old Flinty feared him! If he comes pokin' round here, you run for me, whippity-quick!

Jaune: If we see him, we'll tell you.

Nora: Yeah, one leg, three heads, couple dozen noses . . . if anything weird happens-

Port: And it'll be nay jokin' matter, boop machine! The one-legged man brings death!

Nora: Leggo my nose, Port! Renny can't boop it if you rip it off!

Ren: *Sigh*

Little Miss Malachite: Time, gentlemen!  It's closing time!

Pyrrha: Wait, who's that? Does anyone know who that is?

Weiss: I'd like to point out none of us know who Captain Flint is in our world, if he's anyone at all. It might not be one to one.

Yang: Yeah, that makes sense! . . . Whoever this chick is, though . . . something about her is rubbing me the wrong way . . .

(To be continued . . .)

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Ms. Malachite: Ya pays your bills, and then ya shove off! Go on, out ya go! Oh, you're drunk again, aren't you?

Adam Taurus: *Angry Moo*

Blake: . . . *Hyperventilating*

Yang: Deep breaths, babe. It's okay. You're okay.

Weiss: That's a commander of the White Fang, isn't it?

Blake, gritting her teeth: . . . Just. Get. Past. This. Part!

Ms. Malachite: Kids, look at the state of this place! How comes it gets to be such a pigsty, huh?!

Pigs: Pigsty?! Hey!

Ms. Malachite: No offense meant, gentlemen, sirs. No offense meant.

Blake: *Sigh* . . . Sure, you didn't.

Weiss: . . . Just bear with it, Blake.

Port: Here's to you, kids!

Ms Malachite: Time!

Port: I'm away to my room.

Yang: Thank you, Mr. Port!

Nora: Thank you, Pete.

Pyrrha: It seems Professor Port's counterpart is a good friend of "ours."

Weiss: He actually gives great lessons and advice, if you can get him to stop talking about himself.

Ms. Malachite: There you go! Don't forget to come back tomorrow for our lunchtime special: Roast suckling-

Pigs: Huh?

Ms Malachite: -Potatoes, sir. Potatoes.

Pigs: All right.

Ms. Malachite: No-- No offense, madam. No offense.

Spud-faced Toad: *Affirmative Squawk*

Ms. Malachite: *Snarls* . . . All right, kids. When you're finished here, you can go and clean up in the kitchen. I left some table scraps there for your supper.

Yang, sarcastically: Oh, wow! Table scraps, my favorite!

Nora, bitterly: . . . Just like Mom used to make.

Ren: . . . Nora.

Ms. Malachite: Oh yes, and kids. . . last night you forgot to put out the lantern! If you forget that again, there'll be no table scraps for a week! *Growls*

Pyrrha, sarcastically: She's just the loveliest mother, isn't she?

Ruby: Not . . . really?

Weiss: . . . Sarcasm, Ruby.

Ruby: Ah! My old nemesis!

Nora: You're standing on my ear!

Yang: All right, easy. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Nora: Easy, Yang!

Yang: Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's it, steady.

Jaune: I hate my life.

Nora: I hate your life, too.

Yang: If I had a life, I'd hate it.

Yang: . . . I'm just a ball of sunshine here, huh?

Ruby: You're more gloomy than Blake!

Blake: . . . I resent that statement.

Jaune: I should have just run off to sea like my father did. He was my age when he sailed to Mistral as a cabin boy, and he wound up a first mate.

Nora: Run off to sea and just leave everybody?

Jaune: Who's everybody? I'm an orphan. I've got no family.

Nora: Hey, you got us!

Yang: Yeah, we're family! . . .Got it!

Jaune: I mean, some family we are. Be serious, Yang. We don't exactly look alike.

Yang: Okay, all right. So, I'm a gorgeous bombshell and you're a vomit boy, and Nora's a, uh-

Nora: Whatever.

Yang: Yeah! We're still family!

Ruby: Awww!

Jaune: . . . Don't get me wrong, Yang. You are pretty, but you look too much like my sisters.

Yang: . . . Fair enough, Jaune.

Pyrrha: . . . Sisters?

Nora: Yeah!

Jaune: But I wish my life were more like . . . one of Captain Port's adventures . . . sailing the high seas and searching for buried treasure.

Nora: Yeah, discovering lost islands and weird civilizations.

Jaune: Navigating with my father's old compass to wherever the wind may take us.

Yang: Oh, Brothers.

Nora: Off to Zanzibar, to meet the Zanzibarbarians!

Yang: Here they go again.

Jaune: To the southwest, pirate galleons!

Nora: To the southeast, multi-armed Zanzibanian Shark Faunus and their exploding wigs of death!

Ms. Malachite: To the northwest, dirty dishes!

Nora: . . . How does she do that?

Yang: . . . Zanzibar?

Nora: Yeah, even I don't know what I'm on about, there.

Weiss: Does that woman have a hearing Semblance?

Jaune: Might as well start. I'll wash.

Yang: Oh, yeah. I'll dry.

Nora: I'll break.

Yang: Uh, what exactly are you planning on breaking?!

Jaune: Yeah, come on, Nora! We're on thin ice with that old lady as it is!

Nora: I dunno, the dishes? People's legs? The wind? Could be anything, really.

As the group prepares to clean the inn and dishes, a somber melody permeates the atmosphere. . .

Weiss: Oh no! Jaune's going to sing again! Quick, Blake, lend me your earp-

Blake: Nope! If I have to suffer this movie, so do you.

Weiss:*Groan*

Jaune : ~ I look around here and I want to cry . . . ~

Weiss: Wait. . . He actually sounds . . . good.

Pyrrha: I'd say Jaune always sounds good.

Jaune:You really think that sounds good, Weiss?

Pyrrha:*Facepalm*

Jaune: I'm kidding, Pyrrha. Thank you.

Pyrrha: *Blushes*

Yang: Oh, me too.

Nora: Yeah.

Yang: Hey, hey, hey!

Yang: Watch it with the broom, Nora!

Nora: . . . But you're just so dusty back there!

Ruby: *Snickering*

Yang, sarcastically: Yuk, yuk, yuk. Laugh it up, Sis!

Ruby: Aha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jaune: ~And I feel like the world is passing me by . . . ~

Nora: It is!

Jaune: . . . Wow.

Ren: Nora.

Nora:. . . Sorry, Jaune-Jaune!

Jaune: ~And I just can't help but wonder; am I doomed to wash and dry? And is it a curse I'm under to do it 'til I die?~

Yang: Oh, I hope not.

Nora: Yeah.

Jaune: ~When I could be an explorer . . .~

Nora: Sure ya could!

Jaune: ~Sailing off for distant lands . . .~

Yang: Whoa, not so fast!

Jaune: ~Instead of spending every afternoon just getting dishpan hands! My future looks like nowhere that I want to be . . .~

Everyone: ~There's gotta be something better! Something better!~

Jaune: ~There's gotta be something better than this for me!~

Nora: Well, now you're talkin'! ~If it's weird and wild, let's go and find it! (Laughs) The crazier, the better is what I say!~

Yang: Yeah, that's true! ~To tell the truth, I really wouldn't mind it. . .~

Nora: Mind what?

Yang: ~If we found somewhere with ten square meals a day!~

Jaune & Nora: ~Let danger call my name!~

Yang: ~If it does, I'm gonna hide!~

Yang: . . .The hell? Why am I such a scaredy-cat in this?

Blake: You, uh, wanna rephrase that?

Yang: . . . er, I mean. . . cowardly person?

Blake: Better.

Jaune: ~I'll put my courage to the test!~

Nora: ~And I'll be by your side!~

Yang: ~She'll be by your side!~

Jaune: ~ There's gotta be something better than this!~

Nora & Yang: ~Something more than this!~

Jaune: ~I know that there's so much out there~

Everyone: ~To see!~

Jaune: ~And I know this life I'm living can't be my~

Everyone: ~Destiny! There's gotta be something better! Something better!~

Jaune: ~There's gotta be something better than this for me!~

Nora: And me!

Yang: Wait a minute, what about me?!

Everyone: ~There's something better than this for you and . . . Meeeeeeeeee!~

Ruby, clapping: Woo! Encore! Encore!

Weiss: That . . . Was quite lovely, actually.

Blake: Nice backup vocals, Yang.

Yang: Damn. Didn't know I had those kind of pipes!

Pyrrha: You're a wonderful singer, Jaune!

Jaune, blushing: W-well, thanks, Pyrrha.

Pyrrha: *Smiles*

Nora: I never knew I had such talent! (holds up a mirror) What other secrets are you keeping from me, you conniving woman?!

Ren: . . .She's gonna be all day with this , , ,

(To be continued)

Chapter Text

Port: Enough of this singin'! Rum! I need rum, kids! I got the horrors! Give me rum! Rum 'til I float!

Weiss, bitterly: Well, this seems familiar.

Yang: Uncle Qrow would come home like that sometimes, huh Sis?

Ruby: I never understood that whole "hair of the dog that bit you" thing. Zwei's too sweet to bite anyone, and what does that have to do with drinking anyway?

Weiss: . . . Don't ever change, Ruby.

Jaune: All right! All right! Just one small one.

Ms. Malachite: Don't be giving him any more rum!

Port: . . . How does she bloody do that?

Door: *Knocking*

Port: Shh! Shh!

Blind Pew: (Laughs) Petey Bones! It's me, Blind Pew! . . . I know you're here, Petey! You sniveling coward!

Ruby: *Snrk* He, he's got eye-patches on both his eyes! I can't!

Weiss: . . . Blake, my apologies, but what kind of Faunus is that?

Blake: I . . . don't know. He's definitely a reptilian Faunus, but I can't narrow down what kind. I wanna say . . . iguana?

Weiss: That works for me.

Jaune: "Petey Bones"? Is that supposed to be Port's pirate name?

Nora: I bet my pirate name would be Cap'n Thunderbeard the Valkyrie!

Ren: . . . Sure, Nora.

Yang: You don't even have a beard?

Nora: It's invisible!

Yang: It's some kind of a blind fiend!

Nora: I believe they prefer "visually challenged" fiend.

Blind Pew: Aha! I heard that! There's someone . . . here! (Slams into the wall) No, over . . . here! (Slams into the other wall) D'argh! . . . Over here . . .

Moose Trophy: *Muffled Screaming*

Blind Pew: Ah! Petey Bones! I'd know that scurvy mug of yours anywhere!

Ruby: Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Weiss, snickering: Thi-this is the most nonthreatening pirate I've ever seen!

Pyrrha, laughing: Oh no-ho. Oh, my goodness!

Yang: I can't! Aha ha ha ha!

Blake: *Giggling*

Nora: I . . .I don't. . . he he he he. . . why is Port so afraid of him?

Jaune: Excuse me, sir, but the bar is closed.

Blind Pew: Aha! Ah, a pretty little girl, is it? Yes. Take me to Petey Bones, my pet!

Jaune: Seriously?! I actually got caught by this guy? Also, excuse you?!

Pyrrha: I think you're plenty manly, Jaune.

Jaune: . . . Well thank you, Pyrrha, but I have a feeling you're biased in that regard.

Pyrrha, blushing: . . . You're not wrong.

Jaune: Y-you've come to the wrong place. Th-there's no "Petey Bones" here, and I'm not a girl.

Blind Pew: Oh, I may be visually challenged, but I can see you're lying!

Port: *Cocks Blowhard*

Blind Pew: Huh?!

Blind Pew whirls around and deftly intercept's Port's shot, jamming the weapon into the table.

Yang: HOLY-?!

Pyrrha: I-I didn't expect . . . I guess it goes to show you shouldn't underestimate anyone.

Blake: Pew was more competent than he let on. The most dangerous opponent can sometimes be the one you don't take seriously enough. Actually, Jaune shares that in common with him.

Jaune: O-oh. Thanks, Blake!

Blind Pew: Good evening, Peter. I know it's you. Yes. You thought you could get away with it, didn't you? Just take it all for yourself, and leave your shipmates with nothing. We're not pleased with that, Pete. Not at all. We want you to have . . . this! (Places a paper in Port's hand and leaves, laughing maniacally)

Neon Katt: *Screech!*

Blind Pew: Watch where you're going, you stupid cat!

Port: . . . The Black Spot! *SCREAMING*

Ruby, worried: The Black Spot?

Yang: I guess we'll find out what that is, and why it's got Port so rattled.

Jaune: But I don't understand! What is The Black Spot?!

Port: The Black Spot's a pirate's death sentence!

Ruby: Oh, no! Port!

Yang: Come on, Sis. This is obviously a kid's movie. They're not going to kill a main character.

Weiss: . . . Assuming Captain Port is a main character.

Ruby: *Whimper*

Yang: *Glares*

Weiss raises her hands in surrender.

Yang: *Whimpering*

Nora: Fabulous!

Port: They'll be comin' to kill me, tonight!

Yang: We'd better help.

Nora: Yeah, yeah, I'll grab some stuff.

Port: It's my sea chest them lubbers want!

Nora: . . .Underwear.

Port: But I'll trick them! I'll shake out another reef, and daddle 'em again!

Weiss: That's disgusting!

Blake: . . . Okay, the fact that you took that as an innuendo proves you have a dirty mind.

Weiss: *Grumbling*

Yang: Uh, you wanna run that by us again in Common, Mr. Port?

Port: It's mine! I'm goin' after that treasure myself! And no one-legged, son of a bilge rat will . . . *Screaming*

Jaune: Captain Port!

Yang: . . .He died?! And this is supposed to be a kid's movie!

Ruby: *Whimpering* . . . Yaaaaaang!

Yang: . . . This is your fault, Weiss. You jinxed it!

Weiss: . . . I'm sorry?

Port: Jauney! Jaune! (Grabs Nora by the nose again and pulls her closer) Jauney, Jaune, Jauney, Jaune, Jaune, Jaune, Jaune! You've always been a decent sort to old Petey Bones!

Nora: (Nasally) But I'm not Jauney, Jaune, Jauney, Jaune, Jaune, Jaune, Jaune! He's Jauney, Jaune, Jauney, Jaune, Jaune, Jaune, Jaune!

Nora: Why?! Why is it always my poor nose?!

Port: Jaune!

Jaune: Yes, Captain?!

Port: Jaune, Jauney, Jauney, Jaune, Jaune, Jaune, Jaune!

Jaune: Yes, Captain! What is it?

Port: Take the map!

Jaune: What map?

Port: The map to Old Flint's treasure! Don't you understand what I've been tellin' ya?! I was Flinty's first mate! We all were! Blind Pew and me!

Nora & Yang: *Gasp*

Ruby: . . . Oh, wow!

Weiss: . . . I feel kind of stupid for letting that detail pass me by.

Port: Me own shipmates, they'll gully me for sure! And anybody else that's got their mitts on that map!

Yang: And gullying hurts, right?

Port: Oh, aye! A lot! So, quick! Go to my sea chest! Get the map!

Nora & Yang: Oh! Oh yeah!

Nora: Oh, there! There!

Yang:Oh, I think I've-Oh, no. . . . Hey, guys, look! (Yang has a pair of "funny glasses" on)

Nora: Yang!

Yang: (Laughs)

Nora: Wow. When I'm telling you to stop screwing around, you're really screwing around!

Yang: . . . Seriously, what's other me on, and where can I (Ruby is glaring at Yang) . . . not get some?

Nora: Oh, here! How about this? (Pulls up a copy of Ninjas of Love)

Ruby, whispering: . . . FILTH.

Yang: Let's see.

Nora: No!

Yang: *Grunting* Whoops!

Nora: Hey, Yang, look!

Jaune: . . . It is a treasure map.

Nora, with Lien signs in her eyes: We're gonna be rich!

Yang, with X's in her eyes: We're gonna be dead!

Port: Beware, kids! Beware!

Jaune: What? The one-legged man?

Port: Aye! But also, beware runnin' with scissors or any other pointy objects! It's all good fun 'til somebody loses an- *Screaming*

Unfortunately, this sage advice was lost on the students of a school that quite literally teaches you to run with pointy objects and loaded weapons. Students that, in addition, are protected from most injuries by a force-field made out of their soul that also heals minor injuries . . .

(To be continued . . .)

Chapter Text

Jaune: . . . Captain?

Nora: *Gulp*

Yang: We are standing in a room with a DEAD GUY! *Screaming*

Everyone: *Screaming*

Everyone else: *Screaming*

Weiss: Why are we screaming?!

Nora: Jaune!

Blind Pew: Oh, Petey Bones! Trick or treat!

JNY: *Screaming*

Yang: Oh, come on! Get out your weapons and fight!

Ruby: . . .Yang, I . . . I don't think they have weapons.

Yang: What are talking about?! Of course they do! Port still had his before he . . . I mean . . .

Jaune: No, I think Ruby's right. If other me had access to Crocea Mors, he would have taken it out by now. Or else why was he "sword-fighting" with a fireplace poker? Hell, I barely knew how to use my actual weapon before Pyrrha started tutoring me. Also, do you see Ember Celica on other you's wrists?

Yang: . . . Seriously? I'm not a Huntress in training here? I'm just some schmuck?

Nora: Yeah, I don't see Magnhild anywhere on me. That's weird!

Marrow Amin: Don't try to hide, Petey! You know what we want!

Nora & Yang hide screaming in the inn's armory, though they have a plan . . .

Marrow: Where are ya, Petey Bones? Where are ya, Petey?

Jaune: Little Miss Malachite!

Yang: That's where I'm getting those weird vibes from her! She's related to those twin bitches from Junior's club!

Ruby: Wait. is this the same club I found you at? The club that had it's owner flung out of it's windows? The club that was definitely not smashed before you got there?

Weiss: Wait, what?! What do you get up to when we're not watching you?!

Yang, sheepishly: . . . I said it was a long story, Sis . . .

Marrow: There's no use in hiding!

Ms. Malachite: Can't a woman get her beauty sleep any more? . . . Jaune, what you doing?!

Blind Pew: Aha! Aha! (Swings blindly at a fellow pirate) . . . Oh! Voila! (Knocks himself out with the clock)

Weiss: *SNRK* . . . Ok, i know Pew's actually dangerous, but come on!

Ruby: Aha ha ha ha, he he heh ha ha ha ha ha!

Blake, giggling: W-well, he. . .Aha ha ha ha! He-he-he still shouldn't be taken too lightly . . . O-oh, my-ha ha ha!

Yang: Okay, okay! I found the gun!

Ruby: *Retching* That's all the inn has to protect itself?! A measly Great War era blunderbuss?! I can literally make a better weapon in a cave with a box of scraps!

Yang: Well, not everyone has your skill and resourcefulness, Sis. Sometimes we've got to make do with what we've got.

Jaune: She's absolutely right about that! Besides, Ruby, I happen to be making do with a "measly' Great War era weapon myself.

Ruby: W-well, ok, yeah, b-but Crocea Mors is a classic! And it's a well-made simple sword and shield! That's really hard to screw up if you're not doing it on purpose! I'm just mad because nobody in the Great War knew how to make a freaking gun! Seriously, I disassembled Great War era firearms to study them back at Signal, and the atrocities I saw committed in their construction made me want to throw up all the time! . . . *Hyperventilating*

Yang: Ok, Sis, breathe. Breathe! Do you need the paper bag again?

Ruby: *Nods*

Nora: Oh, now we gotta load it.

Yang: Ok . . . Oops! . . . *Sneezes*

Ruby: LOOK AT THAT! SEE HOW YOU HAD TO LOAD IT?! ON TOP OF BEING DUST GUZZLERS, THEY WERE BASICALLY SET TO EXPLODE IN YOUR FACE HALF THE TIME! CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA THAT DESIGN CHOICE WAS, SO I CAN PUNT THEM ACROSS REMNANT?!

Blake, wincing in pain: Ruby . . . indoor voice, please. We're sitting right next to you, you don't have to scream.

Ruby: I . . . I'm sorry, Blake. I'm sorry, everyone. Th-those insults to real guns just make me so mad, I can't see straight.

Weiss: . . . Ruby, come here. *Hugs Ruby* 

Ruby, softly: Thank you, Weiss.

Nora: Ok, where does Ms. Malachite keep the bullets?

Marrow: Petey's dead, and he hasn't got the bloody map!

Blind Pew: Those little girls must have it!

Pirates: Yeah!

Blind Pew: Get them!

Pirates: Yeah!

Yang: Nora! Nora!

Nora: What? What?

Yang: I found the bullets! See? Here they are! They- (Yang drops all the bullets) . . . Oops.

Yang: . . . Wow. I am literally useless.

Ruby: Like that gun.

Weiss: You really don't care for it, do you Ruby?

Ruby: I, my dear partner, am a connoisseur of fine weaponry!

Weiss: . . . Everyone needs a hobby, I suppose.

Trifa: Open up in there! We want's the map, and we'll skewer anyone who gets in our way!

Ms. Malachite: Quick Jaune, the back stairs! . . . Come on! . . . Run! Run!

The door is blasted open by the pirates . . .

Ms. Malachite: *Growls* Get out of my inn, you tattooed miseries! (Kicks back the pirates) Can't a woman get a night's sleep alone?! (Bashes every pirate she can reach on the head) . . . You come here, you! (Slaps the pirate's scurvy daylights)

Nora: Wow! Go, old lady!

Pyrrha: I guess she really did care, in her own way.

Ruby: Kick their butts, Ms. Malachite!

Nora: This gun is useless! You lost all the bullets!

Ruby: It would have been useless and dangerous with the bullets.

Weiss: Ok, Ruby. Calm, calm.

Ruby: *Groan* . . . I hate those "guns" so much . . .

Blake: Well, at least they're not Hi-points . . .

Yang: Blake, no!

Ruby: Oh, don't even get me started on Hi-points!

Blake: . . . Oops.

Yang: Well, you're losing the Dust!

Marrow: The map! Tell us where it is, or die!

Nora & Yang: *Screaming*

Marrow: Get them!

Yang: Run! Run, run, run!

Yang's candle hits the dropped Burn Dust, lighting it like a bomb's fuse. . .

Everyone: Oh, no.

Marrow: *Screams*

The lit Burn Dust chases everyone back and forth, the group panicking to get out of the way . . .

Marrow: STOP! (The "fuse" reaches the barrel of Burn Dust under Marrow's feet) . . . Oh, woof. (Marrow is blasted through the ceiling) OW!

Nora: Geronimo!

Yang: Ow, ow, ow, ow . . .

Jaune: Guys!

Nora: Wow! What an exit!

Yang: . . . Ow, ow, ow, ow . . .

Nora: Right through a brick wall!

Yang: . . . I AM IN SUCH PAIN!

Ruby: Th-those burns and injuries . . . it can't be . . .

Yang: Did . . . did we not get our Aura unlocked here?

Weiss: Wait, but then how does Ms. Malachite . . . ?

Jaune: Come on!

Blind Pew: I think I smell something burning, no?

Yang: What are we gonna do?! What are we gonna do?!

Jaune: We can't go home, so . . . (Holds up the map)

Nora: Whoa!

Yang: Oh, no! Uh-uh! No way! You're not taking me on some crazy treasure hunt! I am staying right here!

Jaune: Oh, good idea, Yang! Then you can see what half-burned, vicious pirates look like!

Yang: . . . What are we waiting for? Gimme that map. Come on, let's go!

Jaune:  Wait a minute! What about Ms. Malachite?

Ms. Malachite: (Crashes through the window) I'll be fine, kids! Run for it!

JNY: How does she do that?!

Ms. Malachite: . . . Who's going to clean all this up?!

Nora: Hire a maid or something, lady! We quit!

(To Be Continued . . .)

Chapter Text

Madame Mallari: Two for a Lien, sir?

Cyril Ian: I don't want a baked potato.

Madame Mallari: Lovely hot baked potatoes! Best in Vale!

Yang: Oh, wow! That's Madame Mallari!

Weiss: . . . Who?

Ruby: She's our neighbor back on Patch, and one of Dad's friends!

Yang: Yeah, she makes these old folk remedies, and comes by our house sometimes to share her medicine with us!

Pyrrha: How lovely!

Nora: Oh, let's see . . .

Yang: What a night.

Jaune: There it is!

Yang: Huh? Oh!

Nora: Oh!

Jaune: "Belladonna & Daughter, Master Ship Builders".

Blake: . . . Oh no. Here we go.

Weiss: I wonder what sort of character you'll be?

Yang: Whoa, whoa! Reality check here, guys! Do we actually believe some bozo's gonna give us a ship just because we show him Captain Port's map?

Jaune: It's worth a try, Yang.

Yang: I don't know . . .

Klein Sieben: May I help you?

Weiss: Klein?!

Ruby: Is he a friend of yours, Weiss?

Weiss: Well, yes and no? Klein is one of my family's butlers. But I grew up with him taking care of me whenever I was down, and he rarely failed to make me smile. I have a lot of fond memories of Klein.

Ruby: I'd love to meet him some day!

Weiss: . . . We'll see, Ruby. I have a lot to accomplish here at Beacon before I can even think about going back to Atlas.

Jaune: Yes. Thank you. We wish to speak to Ghira Belladonna, the shipbuilder. We need a ship.

Klein: Ah, I'm sorry. Master Ghira is in Long Neddry for the grouse season. He will return on the feast of St. Lulu.

Weiss: . . . Ghira? As in, Ghira Belladonna? Ghira Belladonna, the chieftain of Menagerie, and former High Leader of the White Fang? Blake, are you telling me you were that Belladonna this whole time?!

Blake: . . . I tried to tell you the whole story back at the docks. You weren't in the mood.

Weiss:  . . . *Groan*

Jaune: . . . Thank you.

Nora: That's that, then.

Yang: Oh, well.

Klein: Of course, his rich . . . half-wit daughter Blake Belladonna is here. (Laugh)

Blake: Oh, boy. What am I in for here?

Yang: . . . Half-wit? In this world where everybody but Jaune has a screw loose?

Weiss: . . . I almost want to record this moment.

Blake: Do that, and you're buying a new Scroll. 

Jaune: We'll see her, then!

Blake: Well, ladies and gentlemen . . . this is definitely a genuine, bona-fide treasure map.

Jaune: Really?!

Blake: Yes. Mr. Bimbo told me so. (Everyone stares at Blake blankly) Oh. Mr. Bimbo lives in my finger. He's very smart. He's been to the moon . . . Thank you. Twice!

Yang: I smell a bozo.

Nora & Jaune: Mmm-hmm.

Weiss: . . . I will admit it, Blake. That is not the most flattering role you could have received.

Blake: . . . No, it's not. But I also see what you were talking about. If there's any face I can read, it's my own. I actually look happy to be there, and not disappointed in my character at all. Still, it is absolutely bizarre to see me further off my rocker than Nora.

Nora: Yeah, come on! I'm the Queen of the crazy castle!

Ren: *Groan* 

Just then, an explosion hurls a woman with pink and brown hair and hetero-chromatic eyes straight into the wall. . . 

Yang: There's that bitch from the train!

Ruby: Torchwick's cute little partner in crime . . .

Weiss: Yea- Wait, "cute?"

Ruby: I-I mean, have you looked at her?

Blake: . . . Fair enough, but I'm pretty sure if she looked at you, it'd be to find a good place to stab.

Ruby, pouting: Yeah, you're probably right.

Weiss: What about me?! Am I not cute?!

Ruby: No.

Weiss: *Heartbreak*

Ruby: You're pretty!

Weiss, blushing: . . . O-oh.

Bartholomew Oobleck: Ah, well done, Miss Politan! Now we know that is definitely too much Burn Dust!  . . . Neo, stop fooling around! We've got company!

Ruby: Now we've got Professor Oobleck!

Weiss: Doctor Oobleck, Ruby. The man has a P.H.D.

Ruby: Weiss, no one cares!

Neo Politan: >:(

Blake: Oh, hello, chappies! Everyone, this is Doctor Bartholomew Oobleck and his assistant, Miss Neo Politan! They do research and development for my papa!

Yang: Neo Politan . . . Now I've got a name to punch with that face! Oh! I completely forgot!

Ruby: Forgot what?

Yang: Back when the pirates attacked the inn! Blind Pew really punched his clock for the day, didn't he?

Everyone: *Groan*

Yang: I'll be here all week!

Jaune: Unfortunately.

Dr. Oobleck: Hello!

Neo: *Waves*

Jaune: Actually, Blake, we were hoping to meet your father. We need a ship for an ocean voyage.

Blake: Ocean? . . . Ocean? . . . Ocean?

Yang: You know, the ocean? The big, blue, wet thing?

Blake: Oh! Th-the big, blue, wet thing! Yes!

Blake: My favorite food is fish. I know what the Brothers-damn ocean is! Arrgh!

Weiss: . . . For what it's worth, I apologize.

Yang: Why? You didn't write this movie.

Ruby: Yeah, it was . . . uhhhhh . . .

Ren: It appears there will be much to research and discuss tomorrow.

Dr. Oobleck: Say, I know what's happening here. You chaps are planning to sail to this island, aren't you? To dig up this treasure!

Neo: :O

Jaune: Yes, but we must be quiet about it. There are pirates looking for this map.

Nora: Yeah, and they wanna kill us for it! Isn't that exciting?!

Neo: >_<

Blake: Pirates, eh?! Well, that settles it! We'll use one of my daddy's boats and I will personally finance the voyage for the treasure myself!

Jaune: You'd do that? Really?

Blake: Certainly! What are rich, half-wit daughters for?

Ruby: . . . Huh. What are rich people for?

Weiss: Well, we're supposed to pay taxes, but literally everyone and their mother is dodging theirs over in Atlas. And of course if you were to bring up the notion of spending money for the sake of others to Father, he'd just laugh at you until you left. Then laugh some more to himself in his private Lien bath. I wish I was kidding about that last part.

Blake: . . . Good Gods.

Yang: Wow, so you literally come from assholes. No wonder you were such a bitch at the start.

Weiss: . . . For your information, the Schnees come from humble miners. It wasn't until Father married his way in that my family lost it's good name and soul.

Ruby: Oh, Weiss . . . *Hugs Weiss*

Everyone: (Laughs)

Neo: XD

Nora: Well, here's the dock. Jaune, where's our boat?

Yang: We're on a dock? No wonder I'm sea sick.

Blake: Ahoy!

Jaune: Ah, morning, Blake!

Nora: Morning.

Blake: Welcome, welcome! . . . Ah, there she is! The Hispaniola!

Everyone gasps in awe at the majesty of the vessel . . .

Yang: Nice boat.

Blake: . . . Why do I suddenly feel the overwhelming urge to not only groan, but hit you?

Yang: . . . 'Cause I'm such a hit with the ladies?

Everyone else: Just stop, Yang!

Nora: Wow!

Yang: Come on, let's go!

Nora: Yeah, let's go!

Statler: "Take a cruise," you said!

Waldorf: Huh?

Statler: "See the world," you said!

Waldorf: *Groan*

Statler: Now here we are stuck on the front of this stupid ship!

Waldorf: Well, it could be worse. We could be stuck in the audience!

S&W: Doh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Weiss: *SNRK* I don't know who those older gentlemen are, but they are highly entertaining!

Yang: . . . So that's where Ice Queen's sense of humor has been all this time; it retired and went to the old folk's home!

Weiss: . . . Har de har har, Xiao Long!

Blake: Well, Mr. Bimbo; the ship is provisioned, the crew is in place, and the captain should be on board within the hour! You have been a busy little man!

Blake: . . . I hope she gets thrown overboard.

Ruby: Aw, c'mon, Blake, you're funny!

Blake: I don't want to be funny, I want to be taken seriously!

Weiss: . . . I was sorely tempted to bite at that for some reason.

Yang: Maybe it's because Blake will literally chase a laser poi-

Blake: I WAS FATIGUED, DAMN YOU!

Nora: Oh, look, there goes Jaune!

Yang: Oh, yeah, yeah!

Nora: Ooh! Ooh, look! It's the boat steering thing!

Jaune: This is called the helm!

Nora: Hey, how does it feel, "Captain Arc"?

Jaune: Feels like . . . we're really doing it!

Nora: It feels like we're finally having an adventure!

Yang: Yeah, I'm starvin'! Where's the kitchen?

Yang: Where the hell is my sense of adventure? And why am I so hellbent on stuffing my face? Who is this other me?! What is her deal?!

Ruby: Yeah, I'm really confused. The other Yang is cowardly, klutzy, and just wants to pig out. So far, the only Yang-like thing she's done is make bad puns. It's like she was shoe-horned into the role.

Blake: . . . I'd like to remind everyone that I don't talk to my finger, too.

Weiss: It's too bad we can't talk to the director of this film so we can understand their reasoning, if there even is any . . .

Long John Silver: ~Heigh ho, and up she rises.~

Yang: Something smells good!

Silver: ~Heigh ho, and up she rises.~

Nora: Cool!

Silver: ~Heigh ho and up she rises, early in the morning! Put him in the longboat 'til he's sober. Put him in the longboat 'til he's sober. Put him in the long boat 'til he's sober, early in the morning!~  . . . What have we here? Stowaways! I'm afraid we shish-kebab and barbecue stowaways on this ship! *Snarls* . . . (Laughs) Wait. I know. You must be the cabin boys. Well, boy, but you know what I mean!

Nora: . . . I kinda like this guy!

Ruby: I was scared at first, but . . . maybe he's really nice?

Yang, sarcastically: Oh, yeah, being barbecued and fed to the crew would have been really nice!

Jaune: This guy's not sailing with a full crew, you know what I mean?

Pyrrha: Jaune, shush!

JNY: Yeah!

Silver: Hungry, kids? Well, in my galley, you're always welcome to help yourselves!

Yang: Yes! Thank you! . . . Oh, yes! *Munching*

Silver: Well, she's got a healthy appetite! How 'bout you, funny face?

Nora: Huh?

Silver: Here. (Tosses an apple)

Nora: Hey, thank you! My name is Nora, and the gal in your chicken is Yang.

Yang: *Munching* Yo! *Resumes eating*

Silver: And you must be Master Arc!

Jaune: Yes, sir!

Silver: Oh, you needn't be callin' a lowly ship's cook "sir". Long John Silver, at your humble service!

Weiss: That's Tim Curry!

Yang: Wait, whoa, whoa, what?

Weiss, rolling her eyes: Remember the opening credits? "Starring Tim Curry As Long John Silver"!

Ruby: . . . Wow, you remembered that far back? I can't even memorize five things Professor Oobleck says!

Pyrrha: I wonder what Mr. Curry's acting is like? Should we keep an eye on him?

Jaune: Or we could try to not spoil our experience, and just watch the movie like normal?

Nora: . . . Yeah, I guess that makes sense!

Jaune: We're just cabin kids, Mr. Silver.

Silver: "Long John" to his friends. And believe me, lad. . .  A friend you can trust is worth his weight in gold. There's many a dark-hearted scoundrel in these here ports.

Jaune: Well, what do you mean? Pirates?

Silver: Shh!

Polly Lobster: Pirates?! That's rich! Pirates? What an imagination! Give me a cracker!

Silver: Allow me to introduce my pet lobster, Polly!

Polly: Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight! *Squawk, whistle*

Ruby: Aw, he's kind of cute!

Yang: L-lobster?

Nora: Lobster?!

Weiss: Lobster?!

Ren: Lobster . . .

Jaune: Lobster. Okay, yeah, sure.

Blake, drooling: . . . Lobster . . .

Silver: Raised him from a fingerling, I did! As fine a crustacean as a man could ask for!

Nora: . . . B-But I thought sailors had talking parrots as pets.

Silver: Talking . . . parrots?

Polly: What an imagination! First pirates, now talking parrots?! What's next, a singing, dancing mouse Faunus with his own amusement park?! Woo hoo!

Silver: That's enough, now, Polly. Go on! Shoo! (Knocks Polly off his perch)

Polly: *Squawks*

Silver: Right, me hearties! I'm gonna give you a cook's tour of this fine ship.

Yang: If you're gonna be the cook on this ship, Mr. Silver, I am definitely gonna need bigger pants!

Silver: (Laughs)

Silver unlocks the door and fetches his crutch. When the door opens, Jaune and Nora reel back as they recognize that Silver is missing a certain limb . . .

Yang: . . . Oh, fuck.

Ruby: . . . Into the swear jar, Sis!

Weiss: Ruby, I'm pretty sure Yang just spoke for all of us.

Ruby: Then you're all paying!

Jaune: . . . Right. Everybody, pay up.

Nora: You're not five, Ruby. Why do you even need a swear jar?

Ruby: . . .Pays for Crescent Rose!

Silver: . . . What's the matter, kids? . . . Oh, that? Lost that timber-fighting brigands off Menagerie under Admiral Hawke! There's many a man lost a leg and worse in the service of the King! Why, look what a cannibal took off me, in exchange for me own life! (Silver holds up his hand, showing that he had apparently lost two fingers . . . only to reveal that he had been messing with them, and laughs) Oh, you're a fine pair, kids! That you are! Bright as buttons, the lot of ye!

James Ironwood: All hands on deck!

Silver: Come on, then, kids!

Ironwood: Chop chop! Look lively now! The captain will be here soon! Chop chop!

Jaune: Who's that?

Blake: That is Mr. Ironwood, the first mate! A capital fellow!

Weiss: G-General Ironwood? How-?!

Yang, purring: I don't know where Iron-daddy got that beard, but he is rocking it!

Blake: *Pouting*

Weiss: Yang Xiao-Long, I will pay you whatever it takes if you never call the General anything like that again!

Yang, laughing: No deal!

*Fanfare*

Ironwood: *Gasp* The captain approaches!

An ominous melody breaks through the morning fog as a horse-drawn carriage tears through Vale at a reckless pace, an announcement horn being blown to warn bystanders to get out of the way . . .

Teams RWBY & JNPR sat on the edge of their seats, wondering just what kind of figure the captain must be to evoke such a suspenseful atmosphere . . .

Ironwood: Move aside! Make way! Make ready for the captain! Lollygaggers will suffer their wrath!

Nora: Wrath? I-Is this captain bad-tempered?

Ironwood: Is the captain bad-tempered?! The captain is a raging volcano, tormented by inner demons the likes of which mere mortals cannot fathom!

Nora: . . . He's got demons? Cool!

Jaune: Mommy, I don't want to be on this ship anymore . . .

Nora: Aw, it's okay, Jaune-Jaune! Mommy will protect you!

Pyrrha: . . . And since when were you "Mommy"?!

Ruby: I hope the captain doesn't hurt Jaune and the others . . .

The captain's carriage tears along the road, almost running over an elderly woman . . .

Maria Calavera: Maniac!

Finally, the carriage arrives in front of the ship. Everyone looks on with baited breath as the carriage door opens, revealing an extremely dour looking man. The crew reels back, intimidated by his sheer presence . . . 

Yang: Holy crap, look up the word constipated in a dictionary, and there's just a picture of this guy!

Pyrrha: The captain certainly looks the part.

Weiss: Even Winter on her worst day never made me this nervous . . .

Until the man takes off his hat and steps aside to reveal the actual captain: A bright, young looking girl with gradient red hair and silver eyes, who cheerfully addresses the crew . . .

Ruby: Heigh ho, everyone!

Everyone else: RUBY?!

Ruby: I-I'm the captain?

Jaune: Wha- tha- That's the raging volcano?! She's a little girl!

Yang: Maybe she tends to see red a lot! You get it? "Seeing red!"

Nora: (Laughs)

Nora: I laughed at one of Yang's jokes? Is the world ending?

Ruby: And this one was even worse than her usual material!

Yang, pouting: . . . Guys, come on.

Ironwood: *Sea whistle* Piping aboard; Captain Ruby Smollett Rose!

Ruby: Good day, Mr. Ironwood!

Ironwood: . . . *Gasp* I knew it. She's furious! . . . Ah! You there!

Hazel Rainart: Me?

Ironwood: You were in charge of railing dust! Thirty lashes, and then, you walk the plank!

Ruby: . . . I didn't say that, Mr. Ironwood.

Ironwood: . . . I was anticipating your whim, sir.

Yang: Oh, Ironwood's crazy! Got it!

Weiss: . . . Why did that assessment feel too accurate?

Ruby: Oh. You must be the cabin kids!

Nora: Yes, sir!

Ruby: Which one of you is Arc?

Jaune: I am, sir.

Ruby, smiling: I knew your father, Jaune. He was a good man.

Jaune: . . . Oh.

Ruby: . . . Will we meet your actual family someday, Jaune?

Jaune: . . . I don't know.

Pyrrha: Oh, Jaune.

Jaune: Thank you, sir!

Silver: Well, this is shaping up to be a fine voyage, kids! Yes, indeed!

Nora: (Laughing nervously) . . .  (Gritting her teeth) One leg, Fearless Leader. Count 'em. One. Remember what Petey Bones said!

Jaune: Oh, Nora, he seems all right. I mean, Long John's only a cook. How dangerous could he be?

Weiss: Well, congratulations, Arc! You've doomed us all!

Yang: Seriously, Vomit Boy, way to go!

Blake: A man like you should know better than to tempt fate.

Ruby: Th-things aren't going to go that wrong . . . are they?

(To Be Continued . . . )

Chapter Text

Nora: Well, I don't know, but I- Wait a minute. Where's Yang?

As it turned out, Yang was selling cruise tickets to a large gathering of rat Faunus . . .

Yang:Enjoy your cruise, sir. NEXT! All right, folks, have your checks made out to "Xiao-Long Tours Limited". Remember, we put the "rat" in pi-"rat"-e!

Everyone else: *Groan*

Yang, chuckling: Okay. . . she's kind of funny!

Yang: . . . Why, thank you, Mr. Plagueman, neeext!

Weiss: Oh-ho, no-ho. Hi-his name is Mr. Plagueman, and he's a rat Faunus! That's -*SNRK* that's terrible! *Bursts out laughing hysterically*

Blake, sarcastically: Your sympathy for my race makes me weep.

Weiss: *Wheeze* I-I'm sorry-hee-hee!

Nora: Yang, what are you doing?!

Yang: What? Oh, this. Well, I figure if the treasure map's a dud, the trip won't be a total loss, financially speaking.

Weiss: Oh, I didn't realize we were in the presence of a business entrepreneur, I always took Yang for a microcephalic addlepate.

Yang: . . . A what now?

Weiss: See? She doesn't even realize I just called her a moron!

Yang: . . . 'Bout to realize these hands upside your head, Ice Queen! 

Meanwhile, Captain Rose looked out over the horizon, and found the conditions to be just right . . .

Ruby: Well, the wind seems to be freshening. The tide is with us. Mr. Ironwood, this voyage has begun.

Ironwood: This voyage has begun! Raise the gangplank!

Crew-mates: Right, lads!

Ironwood: Let go forward line! Let go aft line! Hard to starboard! Any man caught dawdling will be shot on sight!

Ruby: . . . I didn't say that.

Ironwood: I was just paraphrasing-

Ruby, annoyed: Mr. Ironwood, just set the sails!

Jaune: It's like trying to corral a more trigger happy Nora.

Nora: You know what? That's fair. I'll take that hit. Just like I'll take a Grand Slam tomorrow morning. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Ren: *Sigh* Nora. if I triple my output tomorrow, will you forgive him?

Nora: Make it one and a half. Don't want you passin' out, Renny!

Ironwood: Set the sails!

Rats: Hey where's my camera? -I'll miss you! I said, I'll miss you! -We'll send postcards! -Bye! -Goodbye!

As the ship made way to open sea, an easygoing, yet adventurous melody began to play . . .

Crew-mates: ~ When the course is laid and the anchor's weighed, a sailor's heart begins racing . . .  ~

Ilia Amitola & Dodo: ~ With our hearts unbound and our flag unfurled . . . ~

Weiss: I-is that a Dodo Faunus?! I didn't know there could be Faunus based on extinct species! 

Blake: Yeah, our gene pool is pretty wild. It can surprise you. . . . (Whispers) Ilia?

Yang: *Cackles* Nice one, babe!

Ruby: What one- *Groan* . . ."Wild". Blake, you're hanging around Yang too much! She's rubbing off on you!

Blake: . . . I didn't even notice!

Yang: I may be rubbing off on her, but what I really what to do is rub-

Weiss: OKAY, TOPIC OVER!

Arthur Watts: ~ We're underway and off the see the world! ~

Yang: Who the hell is that, and why do I want to punch him?

Ruby: Is. . . Is it bad that I kinda like his mustache?

Nora: Seriously, that is a mustache's mustache!

Jaune: Professor Port has some serious competition for Remnant's Best Mustache.

Weiss: . . . Better than Father's, at any rate.

Everyone: ~ Underway and off to see the world! Heave ho, we'll go! Anywhere the wind is blowing! ~

Velvet Scarlatina: ~ Manly men are weeee! ~

Ruby: Hi, Velvet! *Waves*

Weiss: . . . Ruby. she can't see or hear you. The CCTV, can't hear you!

Yang: But apparently it can cast us in a movie without our knowledge or consent?

Weiss: . . . Just . . . Just watch the film, damn you.

Everyone: ~ Sailing for adventure on the deep blue sea! ~

Ironwood: Safely now, Mr. Silver. Let's not get sloppy just because we're singing.

Silver: Aye aye, sir!

Angel Marie & Neon: ~ Danger walks on deck, we say what the heck? We laugh at the perils we're facing! ~

Nora: ~ Every storm we ride is it's own reward! ~

Yang: ~ And people die by fallin' overboard! ~

Ruby: *Snrk* Okay, it's kind of funny how not Yang the other Yang is. I wonder if this is what you'd be like if your Semblance and Aura didn't make you feel invincible?

Yang: . . .

Ruby: . . . H-hey, Yang, I-

Yang: . . . Is that who I really am, then? A frightened little girl afraid of the world, and I just haven't been scared by it yet?

Ruby: Y-Yang, wait, I take it-(Yang clamps her hand on Ruby's mouth)

Yang: . . . Quiet. I want to think for a while. (Notices Ruby's hurt expression) . . . Oh, shit. Speaking of thinking, or not . . .  Ruby, come here. (Wraps Ruby in a tight, but gentle hug) You didn't do anything wrong. I just realized something that never occurred to me, and I want to think on it. That's all.

Ruby: . . . Okay. *Sniffle*

Everyone: ~ People die by falling overboard! Heigh ho, we'll go! Anywhere the wind is blowing! Hoist the sails and sing! ~

Blake:  ~ Sailing for adventure on the big, blue, wet thing! ~

Polly: ~ I love to see 'em cry when the walk the plank! ~

Clueless Morgan: ~ I prefer to cut a throat. ~

Tyrian Callows: ~ I love to hang 'em high and watch their little feet try to walk in the air while their faces turn blue . . . ~

Clueless Morgan: Just kidding.

PCT: ~ It's a good life on a boat! ~

Nora, sarcastically: Oh, wow. Those aren't the bad guys at all!

Pyrrha: It. . .it's a little painfully obvious that they're pirates, isn't it?

Blake: Kids movie. remember? The bad guys have to be at least this blatant for their target audience. Sometimes the monsters in our lives aren't so . . . apparent to us as the Grimm are.

Weiss: . . . Don't I know it.

Everyone:  ~ There are distant lands with burning sands that call across the oceans! ~

Rats:~ There are bingo games every fun-filled day!  -And margaritas at the midnight buffet! ~

Everyone: ~ Margaritas at the midnight buffet! Heigh ho! We'll go! Anywhere the wind is blowing! ~

Statler & Waldorf: ~ Should have took a train! ~

Weiss: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Yang: . . . I guess we found Weiss' favorite characters.

Ruby: I'm trying to look them up, but I'm not getting anythi- . . . Statler? Waldorf? Wha?

Blake: Hold on, did you actually-?!

Ruby: I was type searching "two funny old guys" in The App's search engine, and this window popped up with their names.  Yeah. the one on the right's called Statler, and the left guy's Waldorf. Apparently, their bit is . . . heckling? No wonder Weiss likes them.

Weiss: Not biting at that. But, thank you, Ruby! I will commit this to memory!

Ruby: Oh, that's interesting! Waldorf is apparently married! To a woman named Astoria . . . that looks like Statler's twin sister?

Yang: . . . All in favor of not saying anything about that?

Everyone else: Aye!

Everyone: ~ Sailing for adventure on the bounding main! ~

Jaune: ~ The salty breezes whisper, who knows what lies ahead? I just know I was born to lead the life my father led! ~

Silver: ~ The stars will be our compass, wherever we may roam! And our mates will always be, just like a family! And though we may put in to port, the sea is always home! ~

Pyrrha: What a lovely singing voice!

Jaune: Yeah, you can really hear that Curry guy's range!

Pyrrha: N-no, I meant-

Yang: Swing and a miss, P-money!

Blake: All right, Mr. Bimbo! I didn't know you had such an excellent singing voice! . . . You're welcome!

Everyone: ~We'll chase our dreams standing on our own- ~

Weiss: W-wait, wait, stop! Th-tha . . . heh . . . ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hya ha ha ha!

Blake: . . . Is this . . . real?

Yang: What? What's going on?

Weiss, wheezing: I-It's FATHER! And . . . he he ha ha ha ha ha . . . He's a cockroach Faunus! I absolutely can't!

Ruby: Ew! Does that mean Weiss is part roach?!

Weiss: No, no of course it doesn't! . . . Why are you all backing away from me?! . . . And this attitude is filthy rich coming from you, Blake!

Blake: . . . That's fair.

Weiss: Besides, everyone knows Father is human in our own reality!

Blake, sarcastically: . . . Oh, yeah. Why would he ever exploit his own kind?

Weiss: . . . Not untrue, but you know what I mean.

Ruby: And besides, we can get you tested, just to be sure . . .

Weiss: Okay, seriously, drop it, all of you! It's not funny anymore, not that it was in the first place!

Everyone: ~ Over the horizon to the great unknown! Heigh ho, we'll go! Anywhere the wind is blowing! Bold and brave and free! Sailing for adventure! ~

Yang: It's so nauseating!

Everyone: ~Sailing for adventure!~

Nora: So exhilarating!

Everyone: ~Sailing for adventure!~

Rats: We're all celebrating!

Everyone: ~On the deep blue seeeeaaaaa!~

Ruby: I wanna go sailing for adventure!

Nora: Me too!

Jaune: I mean, we technically are.

Yang, unenthusiastically:  Whoo. Hoo. Boy golly gee, I just can't contain my excitement.

Weiss: *Giggling uncontrollably* S-stop! I ca-I can't take it! *Wheeze* Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Yang, thinking: (Wait, that worked? What was I doing right? I wasn't even trying to make a joke . . . Is that it? I'm trying too hard?)

Ironwood: *Sea Whistle* Roll Call! . . . Long John Silver?

Silver: Aye aye, sir!

Ironwood: Emerald Sustrai? 

Emerald Sustrai: Aye!

Ironwood: Flynt Coal?

Flynt Coal: Aye!

Ironwood: Mercury Black?

Mercury Black: Aye!

Ironwood: Ilia Amitola?

Ilia: Aye!

Blake, thinking: (So that is her) . . . 

Yang: You ok?

Blake: Yeah, just . . . Old friend.

Weiss: Old . . . White Fang friend?

Blake: *Nod*

Weiss: Long story?

Blake *Nods harder*

Ironwood: Polly Lobster?

Polly: *Squawk, whistle*

Ironwood: Tyrian Callows?

Tyrian: Aye.

Ruby: Eeeuuggh, nope!

Blake: Ruby-

Ruby: I'm sorry, Blake, but something about that guy is seriously giving me the willies!

Nora: Yeah, I'm getting this weird feeling down my spine when I look at this jerk.

Ren: As am I. (And the last time I felt even half this uncomfortable was . . . back then . . .)

Ironwood: Hazel Rainart?

Hazel: Aye. (Laughs)

Nora, coldly: I don't know why, but I'm feeling the urge to break this guy's everything!

Ren: Nora . . .

Ironwood: Old Tom?

Old Tom: Aye aye!

Ironwood: Real Old Tom?

Real Old Tom: Aye!

Ironwood: Dead Tom?

Velvet puppets Dead Tom's corpse and "answers" for him . . .

"Dead Tom": Aye, aye!

Ruby: *Shuddering*

Nora: Cool!

Ruby: No! That is not cool! That is the total opposite of cool! That man should be buried and mourned by his family, and I'll fight anyone who says different!

Nora: Wow. Okay, chill.

Ruby: I have no chill anymore! *Screams*

Nora: *Screams*

Everyone else: *Screams*

Weiss: . . . Why do I associate with all of you?

Ironwood: Clueless Morgan?

Clueless Morgan: Huh?

Ironwood: Headless Bill? . . . Headless Bill?

Mr. Ironwood and Captain Rose look around the boat and find Headless Bill, only for Captain Rose to shudder in fear again at the aptness of the crew-mate's name . . .

Headless Bill: (Salutes)

Ruby: *Retching* Bathroom! Bathroom! . . . *Throwing up*

Yang: We . . . Ooo, we should've got barf bags, that's makin' me woozy just hearin' it!

Jaune: Hold. . . Oh, Gods. . . hold . . .oogh . . .ugh . . .hold!

Weiss: For Brother's sake, Ruby! Drink some ginger ale and take some nausea tablets! We'll be here all night if this keeps up!

Ironwood: Big-Fat-Ugly-Bug-Face-Baby-Eating O'Brien?

Cinder Fall: *Deep Voice* Aye.

Ironwood and Captain Rose's jaws drop . . .

Everyone's jaws dropped . . .

Ruby: . . . I need to call Cinder this at least once. Suddenly, my life feels like it won't be complete anymore unless I do this!

Ironwood: *Clears throat* . . . Angel Marie?

Angel Marie: Aye. Aye.

Ruby: . . . Ladies and Gentlemen? May I see you in my cabin?

Dr. Oobleck: *Gasp*

Ruby: Immediately?

Nora, singsong: ~Ooh, somebody's got trouble!~

Ruby: WHO HIRED THIS CREW?! THIS IS UNDOUBTEDLY THE SEEDIEST BUNCH OF CUTTHROATS, VILLAINS, AND SCOUNDRELS I'VE EVER SEEN, SO WHO HIRED 'EM?! *Hyperventilating*

Jaune: There's the "raging volcano", I guess.

Yang: Damn. Even I don't blow my top that hard on my worst day.

Blake: Shame, too.

Everyone else's jaws dropped at Blake's innuendo . . .

Ruby: Blake, that's my sis!

Blake: Would you prefer if it was you?

Yang & Weiss: She (most certainly) would not!

Ruby: . . . I mean, let's not get crazy here . . . (Weiss glares at her partner)

Everyone points to Blake, who then points to Mr. Bimbo . . .

Ruby: Your finger hired the crew?

Blake: No, that's silly! The man who lives in my finger hired the crew: Mr. Bimbo! . . . What? Ah! Yeah, he relied heavily on the advice of our excellent cook, Long John Silver!

Ruby: A cook? And a guy who lives in a Faunus' finger?

Blake: Exactly!

Ruby & Ironwood: *Groan*

Ruby: I'm starting to worry about this voyage. . . . Jaune, I know Petey Bones gave you the treasure map, but I hope you'll give it to me for safekeeping.

Jaune: I'll be careful with it, sir.

Yang: Look at her face! Cap'n Rubes looks so offended you don't trust her! . . . Wait. The FUCK, Vomit Boy?! Why don't you trust her?!

Ruby: I-it's fine, Yang. I'm s-sure J-Jaune ha-ha-has a-a g-good r-reason . . .*Bawling*

Weiss: . . . And now I have to deal with this! Thanks for the rotten strawberries, Arc! *Hugs Ruby*

Silver: Beggin' your pardon, ladies and gentlemen, but I've come with a bit of a treat for you. 'Tis my very own best brandy, laid down by the brothers of Buckfast Abbey, vintage . . . to toast to a prosperous voyage!

Blake: Oh, spiffy! (Grabs the bottle and some glasses)

Ruby: I'm sorry, Mr. Silver, but I'm not going to allow drinking on this voyage.

Blake: Oh. Well, rules are rules. (Tosses the brandy out)

Silver: Oh, but, sir, 'tis a tradition for officers to toast to the success of a voyage.

Blake: Ah, very true. (Begins pouring again)

Ruby: No, we must set an example for this questionable crew. There will be no consumption of alcohol of any kind.

Blake tosses the brandy out again . . .

Neo: >:(

Silver: Oh, sir, I can vouch for this crew myself.

Blake begins pouring again . . .

Silver: You could sail to heaven and back with these men.

Ruby: Well, I'm afraid I must disagree with you.

Blake: Oh. (Tosses the brandy out again)

*Scream*

Rats: You wanna knock it off with the booze?! It's peeling the paint off the shuffleboard court! -Yeah!

Blake: Sorry!

Rats: Come on, girls. -We told her.

Ruby: And that's that. This conversation is finished.

Silver: I understand, sir. I shall tend to my duty and see to it that every drop of alcohol is thrown overboard. Come on, Jaune. Don't bother, Captain.

Weiss: A respectable officer knows better than to impair their men. That was the correct choice, Ruby.

Ruby: *Sniff* So, when is it acceptable for a team to drink?

Weiss: . . . I'm . . . probably not the best person to ask.

Yang: Yeah, and Uncle Qrow's not exactly "responsible" with his liquor.

Pyrrha: O-oh, dear. He doesn't sound like the best role mod-

Ruby: He's a top-ranking Huntsman who taught me everything I know, thank you very much! >:(

Pyrrha: I-I'm sorry!

Ruby: You can go if you want to, Jaune.

Jaune leaves with Silver . . .

Nora: Come on.

Yang: Yeah.

Closing the door behind him.

Yang: Oh, well! I guess the "Johns" want to hang out together! Don't wanna spend time with a babe, and a, uh . . .

Nora: Uh, uh, whatever.

Yang: Yeah.

Nora: Hmph!

Yang: Hmph!

Jaune: I'm sorry . . . in order, to Ruby, Yang, and Nora.

Ruby: . . . I mean, I kinda get it. The map was a gift from Captain Port. And you were friends. It'd be hard to part with, right?

Yang: . . Yeah, okay.

Nora: But you're not off the hook 'til you hang out with me and Yang!

Jaune:And why am I making it up to you in real life for something fictional me did?

Nora: A fair question with an equally unfair answer: because shut up!

Jaune: Ah, okay.

Yang: Cheer up, VB! We'll lift weights, get real sweaty, and just bond! It'll be great!

Nora: Yeah, we'll have a grand ole' threesome!

Yang: . . . Please reword that, Pyrrha is staring murder at us.

Late at night, the ship's band is playing a romantic, slow dance tune, as the rat Faunus party their cares away . . .

Rats: Say cheese! -Cheese! -Oh, that's great. Cute couple. -*Giggle* Oh! Oh, stop it! -I never felt like this before. -Denise, what I'm trying to say . . . -Yes? -What I'm trying to say is . . . -Yes? -What I mean to say is, I . . . -Yes? *Smooching*

Jaune: I'm sorry your present didn't work out.

Silver: Oh, Jaune. Rose sails by rules and laws. That's what being a captain's all about. Me, I sails by the stars.

Jaune: Stars?

Silver: North, Jaune. Find me north out there among them stars.

Jaune: Well, that's easy! (Takes out compass)

Silver: Ah, yeah, but what if you don't have a compass? (Laughs)

Jaune: Long John, please, don't drop it! It was my father's! It's all I have of his! Please, please!

Silver: I'm sorry, lad. I were only foolin'. How old were you when he died, then?

Jaune: Seven.

Silver: I were eight when my father died at sea. First mate, he was.

Jaune: My father was a first mate, too!

Silver: Was he, now? By the Brothers, what a coincidence! . . . Now, Jaune. (Points to a star) That be Polaris, the North Star! Even in the Mistral Sea, that's north!

Jaune: North. Polaris.

Silver: Uh-huh.

Ruby: . . . Hey, sure enough, there it is, out the dorm room window!

Weiss: Our dorm faces north? That can't be right!

Yang: Yeah, I thought we were facing east, cause we can see the sunrise straight on from here!

Jaune: Unless something silly happens with our planet where the sun rises in the north.

Nora: . . . My brain hurts.

Jaune: So we must be heading southwest!

Silver: Smart as paint, you are, lad! Smart as paint! Now, that gets old Long John to wonderin'. Why would we be sailing southwest? The scuttlebutt among the crew is that, uh . . .  we're sailing for buried treasure . . . and, uh, someone on board . . . has a map.

Silver looks over Jaune, who looks way, trying not to show any tells . . .

Silver: 'Course it be none of my concern, Jaune. I'm just a ship's cook. Such matters are best suited to Captain Rose. She runs this ship, not I.

Jaune: Oh, come on, Long John, you could captain this ship.

Silver: That I could, lad. Maybe someday I will. (Laughs)

Blake, sarcastically: Not foreshadowing at all.

Weiss: I don't think there's any prize for guessing the film's main antagonist at this point.

Nora: Yeah, I mean, it's obviously me, right guys?

Ren: Nora.

Ruby: . . . Huh. (I wonder if I'm commanding enough respect from my "crew". As Team RWBY's leader, I'll eventually have to make hard choices that not everyone on my team will agree with, and they'll need to trust me enough to believe I'm making the right choice. Because, sometimes I'll have to be the leader, and not their friend. Do I . . . really understand the burden I'm carrying as much as I should? Or is there something I'm still missing?) 

Rats: Moonlight swim? -Okay.

The band finishes playing, as the night goes on. In her cabin, Captain Rose looks longingly at a picture of a beautiful Atlesian woman . . .

Weiss: Oh, Ruby, my love for you is deeper than the deep, blue sea.

Captain Rose carries the picture over to her window, staring out wistfully over the night horizon . . .

Weiss: . . .That . . . was a picture of me. That . . . was my voice. Saying something I couldn't possibly have said before. *Sigh* I have to accept it, don't I? This. . . all of this, is really happening. We're watching in inter-dimensional film on some magical streaming service. It's absurd. It defies explanation.  Yet, here it is, as clear and as real as the scar over my eye.

Yang: "Love deeper than the sea", huh? Something you wanna tell me, Weiss? Ruby?!

Weiss & Ruby: Not at all!

Weiss and Ruby look at each other in that moment, then look away, their faces almost as red as Ruby's hood.

(To Be Continued . . . )