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A Spider, a Deer and a Television Walk Into an Office by seasick_sparrowhawk
Fandoms: Hazbin Hotel (Cartoon)
24 Sep 2025
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Summary
There is a universe in which the Vees do not exist. Vox rose to power before the radio demon and managed to swindle his soul, along with that of another up-and-coming overlord by the name of Angel Dust. As a trio, their influence bleeds through the city. Hell will be theirs soon. But why rush? They have the rest of forever to take it.
‘So, Vox,’ Angel says, conversationally. ‘We can do this here.’
‘We could,’ agrees Alastor, once again crushing Important Things on Vox’s desk. ‘The metal walkway sounds quite appealing!’
‘Or,’ he continues, ‘you can let Smiles take us somewhere nicer, where he’s not gonna make me edge ya for the next three hours because you’ve put him in a mood.’
‘I can leave,’ Vox says. He threatens this by glitching, skin glowing with blurry blue binary code as he half-phases out.
‘Aww, and jerk off in your room? While we have our fun without you?’ -
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Summary
What starts as a one-off mishap turns into a deal between Angel and Alastor. The deal is this: Alastor will pretend to be Angel's boyfriend to keep his creepy stalkers at bay. In return, Alastor can revel in the resulting chaos and confusion.
What could go wrong?
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Summary
And oh, the flash of fear in his eyes is addictive. Deer in headlights, wild and desperate, animal and raw. Alastor can play the gentleman all he likes. Vox recognizes one of his own. They're both just waiting for the excuse to start tearing things apart.
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Vox has spent the last half-century winding the whole Pentagram around his little finger. His eyes are everywhere. Nothing escapes his gaze, nothing is surprising anymore.Then suddenly, that changes.
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Summary
Let the modernity-addled picture box stare. Alastor didn’t blame him for being fascinated with the most interesting soul in Hell—on the contrary! It was only natural! It was to be expected, of course, even if all he was doing was minding his own business. Alastor was accustomed to being the center of attention, and while he disliked the sensation of a recording camera crawling over his body, its greedy glass eye gleaming, he relished the frustration at the other end upon seeing nothing more than a glitching, artifacting red smudge.
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Summary
“Are we celebrating something? I must say, the invitation was quite spontaneous! Not that I mind, of course. It’s always pleasant to spend a lovely evening in the company of a dear friend, isn’t it?”
Vox stiffened, and his first instinct was to blurt out, 'You don’t know what day it is?' Because seriously—he had been under the impression that Alastor accepting his dinner invite for Valentine’s Day already meant something.
Alastor sat down with his usual effortless grace. “Well, whatever the reason, I certainly appreciate the effort! It’s been ages since I’ve received such a delightfully personal invitation for dinner from you.”
Vox stared at him. Then, at the table. Then back at him.
This had to be a joke.
Alastor met his gaze, still smiling, still wholly unfazed.
It was not a joke.
~*~
Or — Vox had spent days preparing the perfect Valentine's Dinner Date for Alastor and him, planning to confess his feelings, but everything seems to go wrong, and Alastor is not catching any romantic hint he's throwing his way. When Valentino decides to get involved, playing the jealous ex and sabotaging their date, everything seems ruined.