Chapter Text
Her dreams were never this rich. Neither the colors nor the sounds had ever been this vivid. Even smells and touch were as sharp and clear as the moment that they happened, as if she were reliving them all over again.
"I'm honored to serve under you Commander. For as long as you need me, that is. They only sent me here to oversee the retrofits..."
EDI interrupted. God how she missed the sound of EDI's voice. "Shepard, some of our systems require further testing, and Specialist Traynor has been extremely effective during installation. I would prefer that she remain."
Shepard didn't bat an eyelash of his piercing blue eyes. "Got it, EDI." Shepard's eye were stunningly blue. And his eyelashes were so full.
"Wait," Traynor's suspicion was obvious in her tone, "since when does a virtual intelligence make requests?"
"EDI's an AI," Shepard said matter-of-factly, "fully self-aware."
Traynor relived the moment her suspicions about EDI were confirmed. "Oh, I knew it! I knew Joker was lying." Traynor smiled at the memory of truly meeting EDI. The happiness she felt was real, even if it was only a memory in a dream. She pulled herself in closer to Kaidan's side, his cheek resting on the top of her head.
The scene in her dream shifted.
"Wait a moment -- you're telling me that part of your AI core is based on technology Cerberus derived from reverse-engineered Reaper tech?" Samantha was stunned that EDI would make her privy to such sensitive information. "Isn't that information a little bit, well, a lot, above my pay grade?"
"Shepard instructed me to give you access to any information I deemed necessary for you to work to your optimum potential." EDI's voice gave her a thrill. "While the origins of the technology are not relevant to understanding how the technology functions, I still felt it preferable to disclose this information now."
Traynor was a little puzzled because she couldn't understand EDI's intentions. "Why did I need to know this?"
"Given your education and technical expertise, I calculated that it was highly probable that you would easily deduce that the technology of my AI core is advanced far beyond anything the Alliance or even other Council races currently possess. Upon your realization of these facts, I did not wish you to conclude that I was deliberately withholding information from you, lest you further conclude I harbored duplicitous or malicious intent."
"So you're trying to demonstrate that I can trust you?" Traynor was positively giddy at the thought. An artificial intelligence, a completely different form of life, far more intelligent than herself, wanted her trust. It wanted a connection.
"Yes, Specialist Traynor, that is my intent." There was short pause while Samantha peered with a work light into one of EDI's processing nodes. "Specialist Traynor, are you alright?"
"Yes, EDI, I'm fine. Why do you ask?"
"Thermal imaging indicates a 0.5 degree Centigrade increase in your overall body temperature, with localized areas of maximuml thermal increase in your lips and cheeks. Such increased overall thermal emissions are usually indicative of either a biological disease processes, which I am tasked with monitoring and reporting to the Normandy's medical officer when detected; or a state of increased emotional arousal. Since you have indicated that you are not feeling ill, then am I correct in my conclusion that you are in a state of increased emotional arousal?"
She couldn't exactly lie to EDI, well, she could, but it wouldn't 'demonstrate trust' on her part. Traynor laughed. "It's called 'blushing' EDI. But yes, it is a state of 'increased emotional arousal.'"
"Why would you be emotionally aroused?"
"Because if you were human, I'd say that you were demonstrating that you want to be my friend. And that makes me feel good."
"But I am not human."
"But you are a person, EDI. Dr. T'Soni isn't human, but she and Commander Shepard are friends. The same with Shepard and Garrus, and Garrus and Liara. Different species, but all people, all friends."
"But they are all organic."
"So?"
"Organic intelligences from disparate planets may have evolved seperately, but the laws of natural selection are essentially the same where ever organic life arises. The most adaptable species proliferate, radiate, mutate. As those species change over time, so to do their environments, often in unpredicatble ways, so new conditions favor different species; what was once most successful in one enviroment may no longer be so in another. Since these processes are entirely random, evolution takes different paths to solve the same problems of survival, but usually converges at congruent, but not identical, solutions. Evolution tends to produce organic intelligences which are different in their physical composition, but share similar patterns of the intangible qualities of sapience: language, social heirarchies, kinship bonds, abstract thought, self-awareness."
Traynor considered for a moment. "You possess all those intangible qualities, don't you? For instance, we're talking. You're using language."
"Yes, but what you perceive as the sound of my voice facilitating the exhange of information is not representative of the fundamental nature of my thought processes. At their most basic level my thoughts and memories can be reduced to digital ones and zeroes and qubits."
"The same is true for me, EDI. The information conveyed by the sound of my voice is not the same thing as the thoughts and feelings which occur when I express them with my voice. And at their most basic my thoughts and memories can also be reduced to discrete electrical impulses which in some circumstances produce non-deterministic outputs."
"I had not considered that perspective."
"That realization right there demonstrates self-awareness and the capacity for abstract thought. You obey orders, and can fulfill requests for information, and you can even make requests of others so that your needs can be fulfilled, and you can form bonds with members of the crew."
"While my programming directs me to observe and conform to the 'social hierarchy' embodied by the Systems Alliance structure of military ranks and protocols, I do not believe I possess 'kinship bonds.'"
"Why not?"
"Because I have no 'kin.' I was constructed, I did not arise from an act of procreation."
"So? While in its strictest sense, 'kin' is defined by a genetic relation between individuals, a looser definition allows for close, voluntary associations of individuals. Friends."
"But since the manner by which I came into existence is unique, I may not even possess the synthetic equivalent of 'kinship bonds,' or if I do, it may not conform to a pattern which is compatible with organic intelligences."
"EDI? Are you saying that you don't want to be my friend?" Traynor's voice was playful.
"Not at all Specialist. I would prefer to get a better grasp of organics' understanding of the concept before making that determination, so as to avoid causing you, or anyone else aboard the Normandy, an undue negative cognitive response should my particular pattern of kinship bonds prove to be incompatible between organics and synthetics."
"You don't want to risk hurting my feelings?"
"Correct."
"I'd say the prelimary evidence for compatibility is quite favorable, EDI."
"Thank you, Specialist. May I ask how you reached that conclusion?"
"You expressed a desire, or as you would put it, a priority which when engaged or fulfilled produces positive feedback, to avoid producing a negative feedback in another intelligence. That's called 'consideration.' That's part of successfully interacting and cooperating with other intelligent beings -- considering how your words and actions can effect them."
"I see."
"EDI, you are asking other people for their input, aren't you? I mean, you do speak to other people about these issues, right?"
"Yes, I do. Would you prefer that I refrain from asking you further questions?"
"No. No. No. Oh heavens no. I enjoy speaking to you a great deal. I just want to make sure that you're getting more than one perspective on these issues."
"Why?"
"Because I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, I may get the answer wrong, and so far as members of my species go, I am still young, and have not had as much experience as older members of the crew, say, Dr. Chakwas, or Major Alenko, or Engineer Adams, or Lieutenant Cortez, or Commander Shepard. I wish Admiral Andersen were here. He would love talking to you. I guess what I'm saying is that it's good to have a wide pool of shared knowledge and experience from which to draw. What has Joker had to say about these things when you ask him?"
"I have asked Jeff, but he said he doesn't think he can have a 'deep' conversation at the moment."
"What about Commander Shepard?" Traynor suggested helpfully.
"I speak to Shepard when I judge he has the time to spare. I would prefer not to interrupt Shepard at the moment. He seems distracted."
"How so?"
"His vital signs indicate that he has a moderate level of anxiety, but his actions and body language seems to suggest -- anticipation."
"That's odd. The only thing he's got scheduled this afternoon is lunch with Major Alenko." Traynor offered.
"Yes, 'odd.' Shepard's physiologic reactions to his interactions with Major Alenko are anomolous. They do not conform to established patterns Shepard normally produces when he interacts with other people. For instance, Shepard's pulse, respiration, and dermal galvanic response prior to a planned interaction with Major Alenko are typical of a fight or flight response, which is normally indicative of strong personal aversion, but Shepard does not try to avoid Major Alenko; on the contrary, he seems to seek him out. At times when Shepard is in proximity to Major Alenko, his physiologic responses indicate a state of deep calm or relaxation. Also, for the duration of our missions investigating the Collectors, Shepard had a picture of Major Alenko on his desk. But even after an unexpected encounter with the the Major on Horizon he did not remove or change the picture, although by his own account the reunion was not as amicable as he had desired. He even seemed exceptionally distressed by it. Further, at the Mars Archives Shepard's vital signs were elevated, but well within his established norms during battle until the moment Major Alenko was critically injured by the Cerberus infiltration unit. Shepard's vitals then spiked well outside his established normals and remained far above normal until Major Alenko was admitted to Huerta Memorial Hospital. They did not fully return to normal until Shepard received notice that Major Alenko's condition had been stabilized and would recover. Whatever the nature of the attachment Shepard has for Major Alenko, it appears to be quite strong."
"It's called 'love' EDI."
Her dream shifted again. This time the world seemed muted and drained of color. She saw Shepard. She was amazed. Relieved. Her heart broke all over again. She had seen Shepard die two years ago when the Normandy was destroyed. And now here he was again, standing in front of her, everything she loved and admired wearing a uniform that was everything she despised. She felt betrayed. How could he not let her know he was alive? He died and she tried to move on but couldn't. She always went back to the night before they arrived at Ilos. That night meant everything to her. Shepard was over her, her hands running through his close-cropped hair, his mouth on hers, those blue eyes so steady, and so open, and so real.
"You see me for the man that I am," Shepard said to her, "not the hero everyone wants me to be."
"You make me feel human." She'd said back to him. She remembered how she'd accidentally killed Vyrnnus while trying to defend Rahna; how Rahna had never looked at her the same again, how Rahna would never trust her again. Human biotics were viewed with suspicion by 'normal' humans, and now even other biotics shunned her. She was a freak even to the freaks.
It was the night before the attack on Cerberus Headquarters. "I only came by for a quick drink" She said. "Five minutes. Give me five minutes." Shepard gave her a knowing look. Please give me the rest of your life, she thought, and I will give you mine. He needed her support now more than ever. "It's gonna be what it's gonna be." She reached out and took Shepards hands and kissed them, and then he was in her, over her. She let go and the blue fire of her biotics enveloped them both. She put her hands to his face and pulled him down for a kiss. "I want a life with you. I want a life with you forever, after this is done."
"I know." He said as he kissed her ear. "Me too."
And then they were on Earth. "This is it." She said to him. "We both know the score. This is... goodbye." Shepard went to leave and she put out her arm and stopped him.
She grabbed the chain around her neck and pulled it off. She looked Shepard in the eyes. He nodded and grabbed the chain around his neck and pulled his off. Their gloved fingers fumbled, each removing one of the tags from their respective chains.
She offered him her tag.
He took her tag and slipped it on his chain. "I do." He said.
He offered her his tag.
She took his tag and sliiped it on her chain. "I do." She said.
He leaned in and kissed her. "I'm gonna fight like hell for the chance to hold you again."
They were almost at the beam up to the Citadel. They had fought like hell to get here. They had lost so many in the final push. It started raining. A blast from the Reaper sent a heavy armored vehicle flying through the air. It nearly crushed her and Vega. She couldn't go on. Vega couldn't go on. Shepard called in Normandy for an evac.
"Shepard!" She protested. Not wanting to leave. "Don't leave me behind." She pleaded. Shepard was sending her away, to safety, while he went off to die.
Shepard moved closer. Her heart was pounding so hard she thought it would burst out of her amror. She struggled against Vega, trying to get out of his grip so she could die with the man she loved. Shepard leaned in and cradled her chin. "No matter what happens, know that I love you, always, Kaidan."
Traynor's eye snapped open and the scream that tried to come out her mouth died in her throat, like the air outside her mouth was trying to rush in to fill the void that had suddenly ripped open inside her.
The CO's quarters were filled with bright blue light as Kaidan's uncontrolled biotic fire washed over them both. Kaidan opened his eyes and he grasped for the tags around his neck but found Traynor's hand in his instead. And the emptiness inside of him nearly crushed him.
She let go of the tags, and the wail clawing its way out of her throat finally emerged as she sat up on the couch where she had been sleeping and dreaming with Kaidan. Grief washed over her. She did not know it was possible to feel like this and continue living. She knew this was where Kaidan lived every night. Every night it was this same dream. These same memories playing out over over and over again in his mind.
Kaidan was unnervingly calm and still as his biotics subsided.
His voice was so quiet. "I'm so sorry Sam. I can't... I should have known better than to let you... I'm..." His trailed off.
"Is all that real? All that is what actually happened?" She asked.
"Yeah." He said hoarsely.
She could remember the events like they had happened to her. "You... Two years? Wouldn't move on? Couldn't move on?"
"He... we... saw each other... as we really are... for who we really are... no one else before... for either of us... everybody else just wanted us for the things they wanted from us... all we wanted were the things we could give to each other." Kaidan inhaled deeply a few times. "And that's why Hackett's not punishing me. 'That's the why of the rule.' Hackett told me. There's no punishment the Alliance can mete out to punish me for fraternizing that's as severe as what I live with now."
Traynor gently kissed Kaidan's forehead. "Yeah. I know." She said softly, and she did know. "Let's get you to bed." She went to a drawer and pulled out some old sweats. She changed into them quickly.
"What are you doing?"
"You shouldn't be alone tonight. Neither of us should." She threw him a pair of sweat pants and gave him a smile "Get into your PJ's. Now, soldier!"
"Ma'am, yes ma'am!" Kaidan managed a smile, even though they both knew it was hollow, stripped down and put on the sweat pants.
She climbed into the middle of the bed, careful not to occupy the gentle hollow where Shepard used to sleep. Kaidan reached down and opened a drawer under the bed and pulled out one of Shepard's pillows. As he slid into bed, he put the pillow between them, and pulled the covers up over the both of them. As they drifted off to sleep, they both buried their faces into the pillow and inhaled deeply, trying to capture whatever scent was left of the man that was now a void in both of their hearts.