Chapter Text
CHAPTER THREE HUNDRED SEVENTY ONE
The ice was blanketed in flowers and plush toys, from poodles to nigiri and back again. Victor must’ve blown kisses to half the arena before slowly starting to move out of center, waving to the rest as he glided along. A dozen young teens and children flew past him in turn, moving throughout the rink to gather up the gifts to clear the ice for the next skater...but there was one toy - or rather, pair of toys - that caught the Russian's attention.
Face-down on the ice were two plush figures, but it was as obvious as anything that they were plush versions of Yuri and Victor themselves, wearing their ‘Duetto’ costumes. Victor crouched down to pick it up; the two plush toys together were about half the size of Makkachin. When he turned them around to see the front, he was charmed to see their smiling faces, cheeks squished together between them, hands held together in front like in a Waltz. He turned the toy over again to see the details of the other hands; Yuri's pressed to the plush-Victor's lower back, and the toy-Victor's hand up in the middle of the toy-Yuri's. He noticed then that the detail even went so far as to show their wedding rings on each of their right ring fingers.
He hugged the toys to his chest and lifted his eyes to the audience, looking around to see if any fan in particular stood out as the creator...and sure enough, he spotted an older woman with salt-and-pepper hair done up in a loose bun, with two younger ladies on her either side, waving frantically to get his attention. He pointed at them, then at the dolls, and back again, and they seemed to acknowledge being associated with them. Gratefully, Victor bowed his head low towards them, then turned around to the rest of the arena, holding up the soft-toy for all to see, and gestured a hand up towards the three ladies who'd fashioned them, earning even more applause.
Yuri looked up and around in surprise; he hadn't gotten a good look at what his partner had found yet, but whatever it was, it seemed popular. Between the tears in his eyes still - and the smudges those tears had left on his glasses - it was difficult to get a good look at anything, much less a soft-toy Victor had picked up from the mass. By the time he'd gotten his face and lenses cleaned off again, Victor was already sliding up to the rink-exit, offering-up the oversized plushie before even reaching for his blade guards.
"Pretty great, right?" He wondered excitedly, holding it up between them, "It's us!"
Yuri put his frames back in place and finally got to see the thing, and was instantly enamored by it, "...Wow...!"
Victor reached for the rubber guards, put them into place, and found his jacket before stepping off the ice.
"I knew I'd already won the proverbial lottery when you asked to marry me, but..." Yuri continued, still looking at the plush, putting one hand over the face of his own, "...Now that I've been turned into a soft-toy as a pair with yours...I think I've really made it big."
"We've both officially been immortalized as cute plushies. I don't know where we go from here." Victor laughed, finding his husband's arms under the toy and leaned over it to find a quick kiss as well, "Come, my love...the kiss-and-cry awaits."
Yuri held the toy on his lap as they waited for the score to be called, looking it over carefully and scrutinizing every detail. He was particularly impressed with the embroidery for the colors of their eyes; the threads seemed iridescent, woven into one another from darker blues and browns to the lighter colors that reflected light. Their rings were lustrous, and each of their jackets had tiny crystals set into place. He hugged it closer again and set his left hand to his husband's thigh, "I'm glad you found this one. It'd really be a shame if you went by without ever spotting it. You can tell they put a lot of effort into it."
"Yeah...but now I'm worried about how many I did miss..."
"Maybe none."
"Hopefully." The Russian gave a nervous sigh, "Our house would be full to the top if I stopped to look at every toy that got thrown after a show."
"I can imagine what Phichit-kun's place looks like...full of hamster soft-toys."
Victor just laughed at that, and slid his hand from the back of his partner's shoulder to down around his side, "Ciao Ciao having to swim through them to find his student every day... Opens the front door and a dozen hamsters come crashing towards him, like tribbles..."
They both laughed at the imagery for a moment before falling quiet again. Momentary distractions being what they were, they didn't last for very long. Yuri could feel himself starting to slouch a little where he sat; every second that ticked by without a score being announced felt like ages. He rubbed his thumb a bit on his partner's leg, wedging the tips of his fingers a bit further down between them.
"So...where do you want to go for our honeymoon?" Victor suddenly wondered, as though able to read his partner's nervous mind, "We never technically went on one before because of our hectic schedule...but since we're planning in advance this time..."
"Would this be a separate trip from the one to Germany that you want to go on during the summer break?" Yuri asked, grateful for every second he didn't have to think about what truly bothered him.
"Natürlich." The Russian answered easily enough, "Maybe we could do that All-Japan tour like we considered last year? Since you criticize Hasetsu Castle for being a tourist trap with no significant historical value..."
"...I guess we could. Is that what you want?"
"I was thinking of doing the Japan tour during the spring...when all the cherry-blossoms are popping up and lots of fun festivals are taking place. Then when we go to Germany, we could backtrack to St. Petersburg for a week and visit the Summer Garden, and see what it's meant to look like when it isn't buried under snow." Victor explained, bringing his free hand around to settle it lightly over where his partner was holding onto his lap, "You never really got to experience Russia during the warmer times of the year. I'm worried that its cold and miserable side is all you really know."
"Nikiforov Victor-san no tokuten wa...nihyaku jū ni, jū go. Kare wa genzai ichi-i."
The duo lifted their heads, and shortly after, saw the numbers written on the small digital scoreboard. It was hardly a new personal best or a record-breaking score, but 212.15 was good enough for a 6-jump-element program that had only existed for some four weeks. The audience seemed pleased with it, and Victor let himself exhale the breath he'd been holding in since he first stepped onto the ice in the first place, "I suppose it'll do." He commented, leaning up straighter as he stroked his partner's back, ready to stand, "Even Yurio has a hard time scoring in the 200s, and I doubt my nemesis is even as good as that."
"...I'm not sure anymore." The younger figure mumbled, nudging his face into the back of the plush-toy.
"Yuri."
Brown eyes turned slightly, but all they saw was a large pale blur move to crouch down in front of him...facing away, "...Eh?"
"Get on."
"Eh??"
Victor reached back to tap his husband's leg with a few fingers, "On my back. I'm in first place...I want to carry you out as my reward."
Yuri just blinked incredulously, but then shook his head and leaned forward, parting his knees around his husband's sides to let the man hook his arms under them as he stood up again. Yuri held tight, holding onto the plush toy with one hand in front of the Russian's chest, and the audience cheered to watch the spectacle of their leaving. Even Minami clapped excitedly when they went back into the prep area, grinning at the hapless next victim who had the misfortune of going out to skate next. The silver legend walked the path back to where their gear had been left, and quietly leaned so his husband could slide back down to his own feet again.
There wasn't any sense taking skates off at that point though, since they both knew Victor would be on the podium before the end of the night anyway...so Yuri wasn't sure why they stopped where they did. He just watched as Victor turned around and flopped back into one seat to recover for a moment before facing the media, rummaging for a water bottle. Yuri found his own in his bag and pulled it out, offering it easily, "...Sorry..." He said quietly.
"Huh?" The Russian lifted his head in confusion, taking the offered bottle and looking at it, "...Why? It's not the end of the world that our water was back here instead of at rink-side." He shrugged, opening the top and taking a quick sip.
"...For being like this. For being…moody." Yuri tried to clarify, and saw his husband stop moving mid-sip, lips still around the mouth-piece. He sighed and hugged his arms around himself, "I promise...I'm trying to forget about what happened...so we can still have fun... But I just...can't shake it..."
Victor hesitated a moment, but then took one more sip before capping the bottle again and set it aside. He reached a hand forward towards his partner, and slowly pulled the man closer when he took it, slouching in his seat enough that when Yuri sat sideways across his lap, he was half-leaning-back, and wrapped both arms around the skinny figure's small frame, "...You're actually handling it remarkably well, considering it just happened yesterday."
"...I...don't understand." Yuri said, even more quietly than he already was, practically lying down against his partner's chest. He leaned his head against the man's shoulder, letting the plush-toy go in the seat beside them, and settled his free hand under his chin, "...I felt so strong coming out of Detroit, even NHK...but now I'm just back to the way I was before you ever showed up in Hasetsu. I’m swinging between these extremes of emotion and can’t find anywhere in the middle to just…chill out..."
"Oh, you're not that bad." Victor teased, giving one shoulder a squeeze, "I expected you'd feel down again when you saw him. There's no way to get around it, really."
"You worked so hard though...I just feel like my brain's ignoring everything you've done to help me be a better person... I’m just factory resetting, and all my original software-bugs are back."
"What does your heart say?"
"...That everything is okay..."
"And then your head comes back and says...but, but, but...right?"
Yuri nodded unhappily.
"Yeah, that's how I was, too..." Victor said simply, tilting his face to rub his cheek softly against his partner's forehead, "It's a shock to the system when something like that happens. You don't just bounce back. Sometimes the salt in the wounds can last for years."
Yuri wasn't sure how to respond to that, so he just stayed quiet so as not to interrupt.
"It was actually back during the Vancouver Olympics..." Victor went on, looking up at the vaulted ceiling as he thought on the past, "I was just barely 20 back then. Doing well, but not on a big winning streak...and I'd just met Sophia maybe two months earlier at the old version of Trophée de France."
"...Oh..."
"She wasn't an Olympian, but she went with me to Vancouver as a friend." Victor went on, knowing it was a touchy subject, but knowing there was a point to make with it made him continue anyway. He kept his arms around his husband's thin body, rubbing one thumb back and forth like he always did to soothe the younger man, "I'd been utterly smitten by her for weeks already, and I thought it was a great opportunity to get closer to her. But, the Olympics being what they are sometimes, and me being so young back then, I unintentionally flirted my way into having a bit of a following. I didn't think anything of it for a long time, and especially back then, I often thought with the wrong parts of my anatomy without realizing how it upset the people around me. Not just Sophia, but Yakov, too...but I was too enamored by all the attention to realize it was hurting me in other ways. I let myself get carried away with all the fun, and drank a bit more than I probably should've...and right in front of her I agreed to go to this big private party. I mean...I liked Sophia a lot by then, but I wasn't getting anything from her but her smiles, and I was young and cruel like most guys... And stupid... I think, somewhere in my alcohol-pickled brain, it occurred to me that if I went and did all these things with that group, and Sophia knew about it, maybe she'd want me, because everyone else did, right? When I ran into her again the next day, she was really upset, and it took me far too long to realize that what I'd done was the worst possible thing to win her over. It took three days just to get her to really talk to me again, and by then I'd made up my mind that I'd be celibate for her if it meant she'd trust me. The fact that I couldn't wait, and went with that big group before, ate me up. I felt like I violated Sophia's trust...and maybe that's why I tried so much harder to win her over, because in a way, I was also trying to win her back."
"...I'm not entirely sure how this is going to make me feel better..." Yuri admitted sullenly.
"Sorry..." Victor tried to recollect his train of thought, "My point is...even though the circumstances that lead to each of us hurting were very different, I wanted you to know that I've been where you're at. Things worked out in the end, but it took me weeks to forgive myself for what I'd allowed to happen. In a way, it's a lot like how you blame yourself for how that argument with Saito went, because you said that if you hadn't trapped him, it wouldn't have ended like it did. It took a long time for Sophia to forgive me and give me another chance...but that whole time, I kept over-thinking things, running through countless possible alternative situations where I could've done even one thing differently, and it would've turned out more like how I'd meant for it to. The big difference between you and I though, is that you're a lot smarter than I am..."
Yuri pushed up on one hand and sat upright over his partner's legs, slouching there and cupping his hands together over his lap, "A lot of good it did..."
The stunned Russian blinked, but pushed up on the hand-rests of his seat, pulling back to sit normally. He could feel a flutter in his chest, Oh no, did I say something wrong!? This wasn't how it was supposed to go either! He nervously reached his hands forward, one finding its way over Yuri's balled-up fists, the other settling over the man's lower back, "...Yuri... I...don't know if anything I'm saying is making any sense. I'm just trying to say that I understand if it takes a few weeks for your mind to settle down and move past what happened; when something’s gone horribly wrong and you’re caught in a roller-coaster of emotional highs and lows. You know that I don't blame you for what happened..."
"...Maybe you should..." Yuri lowered his head, staring at the hand that cradled over both of his own. He pulled one hand free though...the right, and looked at his ring, "...And maybe I'm not as smart as you think I am."
Victor could feel the panic under his skin, but he tried to keep a cool head, "You're no less smart than I think you are just because you didn't know what was rattling around in Saito's head. You couldn't have known. You went into that argument thinking Saito would act like he always did...replying like he was barely listening, not giving any of his own thoughts away...maybe that he'd deny everything. You didn't know about the fling he had with that Riku Itō guy, or that he'd end up yelling at you about everything... Nothing about what happened could've been predicted."
Those words didn't seem to help though. Yuri still kept his eyes down, and his ring-hand separate from the rest, even if it was perched on Victor's knee instead.
"Yuri..." Victor pleaded.
The ring-hand came up, and Yuri rubbed the back of his fingers under his glasses, pushing them up a bit to get to his eyes, "...I really messed up..."
"It was an accident...! You even said that your whole goal to that talk was just to let him down easy...! Was he did was his own choice!" Victor pleaded, trying to keep quiet while still trying to be heard under the thunder of the next skater's music. He reached both arms further forward and pulled the anxious man closer, resting his chin on his closest shoulder, "...Yuri, I don't want to have to forgive you for what happened because that'll just make you feel like it was your fault..."
"...All of our problems start with me though..." Yuri said quietly, snuffling, "...The fact that your father pummeled you, that your uncle's still in our lives and got Minako-sensei pregnant and that they're all invading Hasetsu after this weekend, that Russia kicked you out of their skating union...trapping Asahi in the changing room and forcing him to talk to me was my choice...he tried to leave and I blocked his way! It's all my fault. All of it."
"Now you're just being selfish again..." Victor sighed, "You're taking everything into yourself like I don't get to be responsible for any of my own part in it. That's not fair."
Yuri had no answer for that. He just hiccupped another breath and kept his eyes down.
"My father would've bloodied me for the skating even if he didn't already know about you, and you can't be responsible for the fact that I fell in love with you, either. That's all me." Victor tried, "And my uncle isn't so stupid that you were the only way he could've found to worm his way back into my life. He took advantage of you and I called him out twice for it...because apparently once wasn't enough for him to take me seriously. As for the RSF...I thought we were proud of what happened!? You got to say you single-handedly took down proud-and-noble-Russia's whole skating empire! I'm proud of you for that! My father's proud of you for that!"
Yuri pulled free after that and stood up, straightening out his track-suit and the side-panels of the costume that hung beside his legs.
"...Yuri..." Victor stood up as well, and tried to step closer, but his partner just cringed under the attempt, so he stopped, "...Yuri... Say something...?"
"...Say what...?" He answered, "...That it's fine that you would've only been beaten up half as badly if it was just over skating? That's it's laudable that I can destroy a 20-year skating career just by loving you...? That I'm too weak and naïve to stop myself from reaching out to people I clearly don't know well enough to be rational or smart about? My same stupidity that lead to the Mikhail Problem is the same stupidity that's caused this problem with Asahi now, too."
The silver Russian stepped out in front of him, and gently set his hands on each shoulder, leaning down slightly to try and see those red eyes behind those blue, foggy frames, "I don't know what more I can tell you so you can be at peace with what's happened... There's a saying about how 'it's not the arrow, it's the Indian,' but damnit...arrows aren't always perfect, and you're not the only Indian involved in all this. You can't take responsibility for how everyone around you reacts to things, because you can't control it. Under different circumstances, my whole family might've come into all this as allies from the start, rather than enemies...but the same garbage thinking that made my father and uncle what they are, is the same garbage thinking that made the RSF what it is, too...and it's the same garbage thinking that made Saito think he had to hide his feelings from you for his entire life. You have to let other people own their own choices, even the ones that you're a part of."
Yuri only managed to raise his hands to pull his glasses away and rub his eyes on the back of a sleeve.
"...I wish I could understand why you keep thinking you're doing something wrong..." Victor added quietly.
“Because you never had problems before I came into your life!” The younger man slipped in closer then, glasses folded in one hand as he clung to the white Olympic jacket over his husband's chest, "...I wish I could stop doing things that make you suffer...but the only way I can do that is to leave...and I just..."
"Don't even talk about that." Victor said firmly, "You used to run away from me at every opportunity before...but I finally caught up with you, and you're not getting away from me again that easily... 'Whatever lies ahead, good or bad, we will face together.' Right...?"
Yuri turned his face inward, pressing it flat to the jacket, ...Those were my words...
"...Nothing has changed...I still mean my vows, and I still accept yours, as if they were spoken this morning. My life was hardly problem-free before you anyway. I just mastered the art of running away from my troubles. With you, I’ve found the strength to face it all head-on." Victor went on, cradling his arms around his partner's shoulders, "A lot of our issues are just my own problem-chickens finally coming home to roost. If I hadn’t agreed to meet with my father after Four Continents last year, maybe the worst of it all would never have happened. But we’re better for it now, aren’t we? This situation right now is still raw but, like everything else, eventually it’ll be water under the bridge…”
Yuri snuffled a breath and managed a nod, “…I hope you’re right… I hate feeling like this…”