Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Shut your eyes and think of somewhere
Somewhere cold and caked in snow
By the fire we break the quiet
Learn to wear each other well

And when the worrying starts to hurt
and the world feels like graves of dirt
Just close your eyes until
you can imagine this place, yeah, our secret space at will

-Snow Patrol

He had been picked up by some recruiters back on earth. They had promised him three meals a day in return for some hard physical labor. John had been fine with that; he had been so damn hungry that it felt like his stomach had been eating itself. They could have asked him to donate his kidney for an energy bar and he would have said yes.

He and roughly ten other boys ranging somewhere between 10 and 18 had showed up at the abandoned house where the recruiters had asked them to be. He might have thought it a little weird that they had weighed them and checked their teeth. The recruiter had looked at him with sad eyes, and for a second he had panicked, the thought of having to leave again, to go back to nothing seemed so overwhelming that he would have done just about anything. How old are you boy? She had asked. Shepard had bit his lip, he knew he was way skinny and would pass for younger than he was. 12. He had said. Only to be interrupted by Jake who had pushed him, like fuck you're 12. Jake had said and looked at the recruiter, He's at least 14, he's just a little shit.

The recruiter had frowned at John, and had turned her attention to Jake. John had to think fast, and had raised his voice, Ma'am please. He had said, no actually he had begged.

She had shaken her head, and mumbled a sorry kid, and then continued with Jake. John had stuffed his hands in his pockets, and hung his head, he wasn't looking forward to going outside again, maybe no one would notice if he hid upstairs? And that was what he had done,he hid upstairs between some crates and had fallen asleep, worrying about where he would find his next meal, and how much he wanted to kick Jake's fucking teeth in.

Next thing he had known he had woken to voices and had crawled inside an open crate and closed the lid, pretty sure they would be pissed if they found him still in the house. John still didn't know why he had gotten into that crate, he had just acted without thinking, not wanting to be smacked around and kicked out. Apart from it being humiliating, it was way harder to get away with anonymity when you had a shiner. He had hardly dared to breathe as the crate had been picked up.

He had managed to stay hidden for two days before a mechanic oticed him as John tried to steal his food. Desperation had driven him out of the crate, and had made him bold enough to try and steal that plate of food. To John's surprise, the mechanic let him eat it before he called it in. His name had been Glenn, John would always remember that. He couldn't remember the last time someone had spoken to him like this, asked him if he was okay, and what his name was. And honestly he had most probably acted like he had been raised by wolves, never answering the nice man, just wolfing down the food.

It had been a massive clusterfuck when they realized he was on aboard, he still remembered them arguing over his head, some wanted to space him, others wanted to keep him, and others again said that no good would come from 'creative' minds like his. In the end the man with authority and cruel grey eyes had stopped them, and said that he would take the kid on. John had instinctively been afraid of him, he had seen that gleam the man had in his eyes before, and it was never anything good.

The man's name was Luke, and he had grabbed John by his neck and marched him none too gently towards the living quarters. It had been a very surprised Jake who woke up when John was tossed into the heap of sleeping kids.

-*-

And now he was here, freezing his fucking ass off on the Gagarin station. John looked around miserably, he had taken a wrong turn somewhere and he had no idea where he was. This station was a bloody maze, and everything looked the same only separated by numbers, and it was real hard to remember if it was 2004 or 2008 or maybe 2010 when your teeth were clattering from the cold. ”Fuck.” He mumbled, putting down the box he was carrying. It was supposed to go to the officers’ quarters, but all he could see was pale blue walls and numbers. Shepard wiped his nose on his sleeve, and thought to himself that he could just as well have stayed on Earth. He could see his breath as little puffs of mist in the air, fuck this shit, the second he was 18 he was so out of here. He remember being told that the army would pay for your meals and give you a roof over your head. At least it had to be less cold to be in the army, who had the need for an entire army with their brains filled with snot?

”You lost?”

John turned around and looked at a little fragile looking girl. Her skin was olive colored, she looked healthy and mighty pretty. Horribly self-conscious, John, hid his thin, pale arms behind his back and tried to give her a smile. ”Yeah.” He admitted. ”I have to deliver this to the officers of this wing, but -”

She looked down at the package. ”You look cold. You're shaking.” She stated with a worried expression.

”I'm good.” John said taking a step back, he wasn't supposed to be even talking to this girl. It could mean the difference between getting fed, or not. And if Luke was in an especially bad mood, he'd end up with a bruised lip too or something similarly delightful. ”Just - ” He winced, scared that anyone would see him talking to her. It was like the biggest no-no around here, never talk to the brain-camp kids! He didn't quite know why, he just followed orders because the consequences were bad. ”What's the number. I sorta forgot.”

The girl looked him up and down, it was clear that she wanted to say something more than she did. ”2004” she said.

”Thanks.” John said with a little smile, fighting the urge to wipe his nose again. ”So.. Take care.” He picked up the box and started to walk down the corridor.

”Eh it's the other way.” The girl said with a grin.

”Oh..” John flinched, ”I knew that.”

”Of course you did.”

-*-

John hurried to the officers’ quarters, he could hear them laughing and talking long before he made it to the room. One of the Turian officers looked up as John tried to put down the box without being noticed. ”Hey Boy.” He gruffed.

”Sir.” John said, nodding ”I – eh, it's the stuff you asked for.” He said, walking slowly backwards just in case he had to bolt. ”From central provisions.”

The Turian who had spoken stared at him for a long time. ”Alright.” He said, ”Piss off.”

”Yes, Sir.” John peeped and scrambled out of the room as quickly as he could. No way he wanted to stick around to see what the Turians came up with. He had been told, no, more like had drilled into him that the kids were dangerous 'they can kill you with their mind alone' is what Jane had told him, but John was more scared of all the Turians, not only because they were super tall and had guns, but because it was impossible to read their mood on their face. They must be a bitch to play poker with.

-*-

He hurried back to where Luke and Jane lived, but found his pillow and blanket out in the hall. He didn't need to check to know that the door was locked. He sighed and picked up the blanket and wrapped it around his shoulders, sitting down next to the door. He could hear them clearly from his side of the door, apparently enjoying some alone time – Again. He wasn't a kid, he knew exactly what went on, but it still made him blush slightly and pull the blanket over his head and cover his ears.

John knew that lots of the boys and girls he knew back on Earth would do it both for money or food, and with each other for whatever reasons. He had never done it, nor had he been invited to anyone’s bed. He wasn't sure he would have said no, it was just that he never had the chance to say yes. He wasn't made of stone or nothing, but usually he had 99 other things to worry about, and getting naked wasn't one.

”John?”

John looked up seeing Jake standing there in the stark hall light. His nose was bleeding and his eye was half closed, the lid swelling shut. ”Jake?” John didn't think twice but just extended his blanket inviting Jake under it. ”Dude you're freezing.” He whispered, ”How long have you been walking around?”

”Dunno.” Jake mumbled leaning up against John for body heat.

John rubbed Jake's shoulder and arm. He wasn't gonna ask what he had done to get kicked out for the night like that. Or why he looked like he made impact with a Krogan, it just wasn't important. ”Did you get any dinner?”

Jake shook his head.

”Wanna go get some?” John said with a little smile, and a sniffle.

”Yeah.” Jake said still shivering slightly. ”Won't you get in trouble?”

”Fuck no, they won't check on me for hours and hours.” John, squeezed Jake's shoulder, ”Let's go.”

They got up and John let Jake have the blanket, rubbing his arms in the cold air. He wished that Conatix would have been less stingy and had heated the corridors. They made their way through the night empty corridors like a couple of ghosts, good thing they were used to sneaking around back on Earth. Hearing voices, they stopped and hid in a corner, Holding Jake back with an arm, John peeked around the corner. ”We're good.” He whispered and pulled Jake with him down the corridor, both boys trying to move silently and fast.

They stopped outside the locked kitchen doors. John looked up at the air duct, ”Check it.” He smiled, ”Gimme a hand.” Stepping up on Jake's knee to his joined hands, and up on his shoulder, John made it to the duct, he picked the fence off and slowly lowered it down to Jake. ”Alleyoop.” He mumbled and used all the strength he had in him to get his torso inside the duct. ”Wait here.” He whispered, the duct echoed so that he cringed at how loud it sounded.

”'kay.” Jake whispered back.

Pushing the duct grate open to the kitchen, John halfway expected three armed Turians to gun him down, but as he landed, none too gracefully, on the floor he found it was dark and silent. ”Alright.” He whispered going straight for the pantry, which wasn't locked, because no one expected anyone to get into the kitchen. He grabbed some stuff that would be easy to eat, like bread. Canned goods were bad, they had nothing to open it with. He filled his pockets and made his way back to the duct, climbing unto a stove to jump into the duct. He carefully put the grill back, and crawled towards the light. He gracefully slid out and landed on the floor besides Jake. ”Tada!” He grinned. ”Now let’s get the fuck out of here.”

”The grill.” Jake pointed out. John sighed but knew he was right, and ignored his rumbling stomach and the prospect of food, to put it back where it belonged.

-*-

Back in front of Luke and Jane's room, the boys sat down and started to eat. ”Shit like that will get you in some deep trouble someday.” Jake said softly.

”Maybe.” John mumbled with his mouth full of bread. ”But it's totally worth it.”

”Hell, yes.” Jake chuckled almost choking on the bread. He stopped chewing for a second and extended the blanket to John, who scooted in under it with a grateful smile.

”I thought you hated me.” Jake said with a tiny voice.

”I don't hate you.” John said with a puzzled expression, ”Oh you mean the recruiters and all that? Naw man, it's good, I would have done the same.”

”I somehow don't believe that.” Jake said softly. ”You've been nothing but kind, went above and beyond for everyone, and all I’ve done is look out for myself.” Jake smiled, ”Funny that I am much bigger than you, and still I am more afraid. You are fucking fearless, man.”

Shepard chuckled and blushed a little at the compliment. ”I'm not.”

”So.. ehm.. about the recruitment thing, I take it you're an orphan.” Jake said, breaking off another piece of bread.

”Yeah.” John said, but didn't elaborate more. ”You too?” He turned his head and looked at Jake who nodded. ”Simian bacterial fever.” - John bit his lip, ”And you survived that?”

”My mother gave me the vaccine they managed to get a hold of.” He said with a bloodless smile. ”Told me to make something of myself.” He laughed drily.

The paradox was not lost on John who joined in the chuckle. ”Look at the bright side, it took you to unknown horizons.”

”Dude.” Jake shook his head amused. ”I'll be 18 in two months, and I am so out of here.”

John nodded, knowing he had four years left of this. ”The army?” He asked, knowing that was most boys' best chance if they didn't have parents to pay for a fancy education.

”Yeah.” Jake said.

”Me too.” John said with a yawn.

Jake let John settle against his shoulder, he wanted to say something about the army not taking scrawny runts, but what he had seen of John he was sure the kid would pull it off somehow.

Chapter Text

Jake died ten days later, John wasn't sure what killed him, but there was no shortage of theories and gossip. John didn't really buy most of them, because he knew that all Jake cared about was staying clear of the Conatix people and getting the hell out of there. But worrying about why Jake was dead was a luxury he didn't really have, he was busy worrying about himself for once. When most of the kids recruited on earth had fallen sick, the company had finally handed out some warmer clothes, but nothing withstood the cold of this place for long. John was just glad he had gotten a new pair of boots and a warm hat. Today he worked inside though, he was to mop all of compound 2, it was a sweet gig really, he was left alone, and inside. He was humming to himself, only stopping to wipe his nose, cough or flex his fingers which got ice-cold from holding on the mop handle.

”Hi again.” A soft voice behind him said.

John turned around and looked straight at the slim olive skinned girl. ”Oh Hi.” He said with an awkward wave. ”Am I in your way? Hang on a second.”

”No you're not in my way.” The girl said, ”But..” She brushed off imaginary dust off her sleeves, she looked up at his chest where a patch with his workers number was attached. It said C2:13, meaning that he was the thirteenth worker in compound two. ”I was told that you were the one to go to, if.. I mean.. that you can get anything. Is that true?”

Art by Maxxie

He couldn't have been more surprised if he tried. ”I suppose I can, yeah.” He said with a superior smile, he wasn't even aware he had gotten a reputation around here, reputations was a dual edged sword, on one hand they were good if you wanted something, but on the other hand, they were dangerous if the wrong people learned of them. But right now he was too flattered to ask where she knew that from.

”So, I need you to get something extra nice, there is this guy.. and his birthday is coming up, and I wanted to give him something special.” The girl said.

”Alright.” John answered nodding, ”Like what?”

”A pair of gloves to be exact.” She said.

”I can do that.” John nodded again.

”A nice pair, not like.. ehm.. you know, the plain ones.” The girl said, squirming a little, knowing she sounded terrible.

”Of course.” John smiled wide, ”When do you need them?”

”In two days?” She said with a little sweet smile, meant to persuade him to hurry.

”Alright.” John nodded. ”We'll meet here in two days then.” He tapped the floor with a boot, ”Right here, around the same time -okay?”

”Okay.” She said. ”I don't have any money or -”

”It's fine.” John said, ”You'll just owe me a favor instead.”

”Great! Deal!” The girl said holding out her hand, John hesitated because of what Jane had told him, but finally took her hand. ”I'm Rahna, what's your name?”

”John.” he said letting go of her hand.

”What's going on out here?” A large greyish Turian turned the corner, he pushed Rahna away and grabbed John's shoulder hard. His knees buckled under the pressure and he had to let go of the mop. ”Were he harassing you?” The Turian asked Rahna.

”No not at all, he was just asking me if he was in the way. That's all.” She said as calmly as she could.

The Turian looked down at the squirming boy at his claw. ”Okay, I'll let you off this time 2:13 but it won't happen again, understood?”

”Sir, yes sir.” John squeaked, relieved as the Turian let go of his shoulder. Quickly John grabbed his mop and continued mopping the floor like nothing had happened.

-*-

It had been no problem getting the gloves, because even if he had grown a lot the last six months, he was still slim and agile, which meant he could get in most places. The problem had been hiding them, because both Jane and Luke knew he didn't have a pair of gloves. You have to earn those, boy, had been the reply when he had asked. He had managed though, and hid them inside his cheap cargo pant leg. He didn't have any indoor chores today, so he had to be careful, he was supposed to be down at the cargo hangar, there were provisions flown in today.

He was shifting from foot to foot waiting, and when he was just about to leave he saw her turning the corner. ”Took your time.” He said annoyed, but really he was just slightly freaked out, knowing it would be noticed that he had been gone for this long.

”Hey John.” She said with that sweet smile of hers. ”Sorry about that.”

”It's okay.” He said, not wanting to bore her with the details. He loosened his pants leg, letting the gloves fall out, it was a pair of nice, black leather gloves. ”Will these do? I don't know your friend's size, so I just took a wild guess.”

Rahna lit up in a brilliant smile, ”They are perfect! Thank you!” She took a step forward and opened her arms to hug him, but John took a step back, just mumbling ”you're welcome.”

The awkward moment stretched out till John pocketed his hands and nodded at Rahna, ”Tell your friend happy birthday.” He smiled a little boyish smile, and turned on his heels.

He tried to sneak back into the cargo hangar, but failed miserably as a Turian saw him sneak back in. ”Where have you been, kid?” He asked with a deep rumbling voice.

”Out to piss. Sir.” John said with a casual shrug which was interrupted as the Turian smacked him backhanded across the face.

”Again.”

”I was!” John said instinctively covering his face with his arms.

-*-

That night he came back to Jane and Luke's room to find his pillow and blanket in the hall again. He was too sore everywhere to care, and if he poked one of his teeth with his tongue it would rock. John just rolled himself into his blanket and laid down in the hall, he was so fucking tired and his head hurt. It was a small comfort that he had made Rahna smile, possibly made her friend happy. He didn't really know what to think about those test lab kids, he was sure it couldn't be fun to be tested day in and day out. But they weren't hungry or cold, they were invaluable assets, human biotics, pretty rare indeed. John sometimes wished that he was a biotic, just so he too could get his own room, and cake. He knew they got cake cause he had seen it in the kitchen. Lucky bastards. He was almost 16, almost, so damn close - if he could just hang in there for two more years.

-*-

John was sure that Luke was punishing him, he had been put on field detail that day. Luke worked in the kitchen, he John figured that he wanted him close or something. ”So what you do.” Luke said, ”Is you take this backpack out to the group in the field, they're out by the old air strip.”

He didn't dare to object or sigh, but he would have if he could. ”Yes Sir.” He just said, taking the heavy backpack, swinging it up on his back.

”I know what's in there, boy.” Luke then said grabbing John's ear tugging it a little. ”And don't you dare as much as breathe on it.”

”Ow.. No Sir.”

”Good.” Luke let go and looked John up and down, ”I need you to bring the left overs and the backpack back, so you have to stay there till they finish.”

John nodded, ”Got it.”

”Good, get going!” Luke said turning his back to John.

John didn't dare to sigh before he was out of the kitchen, a walk to the old air strip that would take him at least two hours in the howling, ice-cold wind. ”Bollocks.” He mumbled, but none the less he just hooked his fingers in the straps around his shoulders and started walking.

His fingers were so cold they ached by the time he could see the airstrip. He shielded his eyes from the sun and the stark wind. He could see a group down on the strip, he could see the blue lightning stuff, but couldn't smell the odd Freon smell from here. At least he had found them. He had a weak hope that they'd finish quickly, and someone would give him a ride home. He stopped in his tracks for a second when he noticed who the Officer in command was, Vyrnus fucking scared him, but then again he was a scary motherfucker, and if he didn't freak you out the slightest, something was definitely wrong in your head. He took a deep breath of the crisp cold air before he walked over to the group. He just stood still, shivering in the cold, waiting for Vyrnus to address him.

”Looks like lunch is here.” Vyrnus said. ”Take a break.” He said to the students and officers alike. John just handed him the backpack and stood back. The Turian officers retreated to the truck to eat their dinner, leaving the students and John out on the strip. He tried his hardest not to look like he was cold, and wouldn't get caught looking, but he couldn't help but to look at the students who divided the lunch between them, laughing softly and shifting food boxes between them, until everyone was happy. He noticed a boy with black leather gloves on, and couldn't help but to smile. He had to be Rahna's friend. John sorta wished she was here, and wondered why she wasn't. It seemed like all the other biotic kids from C2 was here. John shifted and rubbed his arms a little, turning to walk over to a rock to sit and wait so he didn't seem so eager for them to finish. Last thing he needed was Luke getting more upset with him for stressing the students.

”Hey!” The boy with the gloves said. ”Come sit.”

John shook his head mortified, and continued towards his chosen stone. Moments later someone stuck the lid of a food box in his face, it had bread and beans. John looked up to see where the gift came from, even if he sorta knew cause he recognized the gloves. ”Here.. You looked hungry, eh.. it's for you.” The boy smiled, ”No one will know. I swear.” he urged the lid into John's hands.

”Thanks.” John smiled, and heard his stomach rumble in agreement. A part of him wanted to savor it, another just wanting to wolf it down. His fingers were stiff and cold so he could only eat at the pace his hands would let him. Heat enveloped his shoulders which made him look up in alarm.

”It's okay,” the boy said. ”My mother bought me a thermos before I came here.” He smiled a little embarrassed. ”You look like you are freezing your ass off. Don’t – eh, don't you have a jacket?”

John threw caution at the wind and used one hand to pull the jacket closer around him, closing his eyes at the warm softness. ”No.” He just said

”That's crazy, they made you walk out here without a jacket?” The boy said, his brown friendly eyes full with worry.

”Don't worry about it.” John said, resisting the urge to lick the lid of the box to get the rest of the food off. He handed it to the boy. ”Oh and your jacket,” He didn't want to lose the warmth, but they would both get in trouble if Vyrnus or any of the officers saw it.

John had been so focused on his food that he hadn't seen Patrobus getting out of the truck. ”Hey Alenko, making friends?” The Turian called out. John paled ghostly white. ”Go! Go!” He whispered urgently.

Kaidan turned around and looked at Patrobus, ”He was shivering from the cold, and hungry. I just wanted to help.”

”Did he ask for your help?” Patrobus asked walking towards them.

”No Sir.” Kaidan said, shifting a little not sure what to make of the situation. And John wanting nothing more than to hide behind him.

”Then what makes you think he was in need of it?” Patrobus asked stopping in front of Kaidan and John.

”I was eyeing his food, Sir. He must have noticed.” John stepped in front of Kaidan, pushing the baffled boy back.

Now Vyrnus was on his way to see what the ruckus was about, and instinctively Kaidan grabbed John's wrist, not sure if it was to calm him or John. ”What's all this about?” Vyrnus asked bored.

”Alenko is playing good Samaritan with the worker.” Patrobus shrugged.

”Alenko.” Vyrnus sighed, ”You know you're not supposed to talk to the workers.”

”Yes, Sir.” Kaidan mumbled from behind John.

”It was totally my fault.” John cut in. ”Sir...” He ducked his head and said, ”I was making him uncomfortable so he -”

”Blah, blah..” Vyrnus sighed even deeper. ”I don't care kid. Do yourself a favor and shut up.”

John opened his mouth only to shut it again, nodding.

”So, Alenko. If you like slummin' it so much. I think you should help that worker clean up, and walk home.” Vyrnus said with a little cruel chuckle. ”Patrobus, get everyone else into the truck, we're leaving. And from the looks of it, Alenko is gonna miss out on nap time” He turned around laughing to himself at his own joke. And left for the truck. John and Kaidan both stood completely still and waited for them to finish loading the students into the truck and drive off.

”Sorry.” John said.

”It's okay.” Kaidan said. ”I'm Kaidan.”

”John.” John said nodding.

”Oh You're Rahna's contact, huh?” He smiled and flexed his gloved fingers.

”Yeah.” John said looking anywhere than at Kaidan. For an insane moment, all he wanted to do was to lean into the other boy, suck up his body heat like he had done with Jake. And he wondered if Kaidan smelled this good all the time, as good as his jacket had for the short time it had been around his shoulders. ”I take it you liked them.” He should be walking over to start collect the stuff from the strip, he was rooted to the spot like was he frozen through a spell.

”I love them.” Kaidan said. ”I uhm, I wasn't trying to get you in trouble, you just looked so – sad.”

John finally looked up at Kaidan and smiled a little awkwardly, cause his lip still stung. ”No trouble I can't handle. Come on, wanna help me collect all this trash?”

”Sure.” Kaidan said. Placing his jacket on John's shoulders again. ”Just till you get warm, okay?”

”Thanks, man.” John said, looking away feeling his cheeks flush. If Rahna had a pretty smile, it was nothing compared to Kaidan’s, when Kaidan smiled that soft, uncomplicated smile at him, it did funny things to his spine and he absolutely fucking loved it. Actually he wished that Kaidan would smile to him all the time.

Chapter Text

They started hiking home from the strip around dusk. To be honest , dusk came in the middle of the afternoon here, the days were short, and the nights were long. John had given Kaidan his jacket back when his teeth had started to clack together. The wind picked up and it went through bones and rock now. ”Look!” Kaidan yelled over the wind, ”I think that is some sort of maintenance building.” He pointed out to their left.

”Yeah.” John yelled back.

”Let's go.” Kaidan said and changed direction towards the building.

John worried about how much trouble he'd be in if he was too late, but he knew Kaidan was right, the wind almost pushed him over, and the visibility was getting worse and worse. If they pushed on, chances were they'd get lost. He was surprised as Kaidan took his hand, the soft leather glove in his icy cold hand. He didn't want to read anything into it, Kaidan was a smart kid, one of those really smart ones – and he probably knew that if they didn't hang on to each other, they'd get separated. Yeah that was it. But there was no harm in liking it, was there?

They made it to the maintenance building where Kaidan let go of his hand. ”Check this.” He turned and smiled at John again, it was a quick little secretive smile. And then he broke apart the lock with his biotics. ”Entrés,” Kaidan grinned stepping aside so John could walk into the dark.

”There has to be an emergency generator somewhere.” John mumbled.

”Or give it ten minutes and it won't seem so dark.” Kaidan said, shutting the door behind him, closing out the storm.

”Ehm.. won't you be in a lot of trouble for not coming straight back?” John asked, leaning up against something he thought was a table or a desk.

”I'm sure I will be.” Kaidan said with a bored voice, ”But we would have been in trouble regardless, Vyrnus designed this. He knew we'd never make it back before dark.”

”Oh.” John mumbled. ”I see.”

”So you wanna look for that emergency generator that you're so sure is here?” Kaidan asked, taking a step forward stumbling over something and landing in John's arms as he caught him.

”Got'cha.” John said, completely mortified that he'd even ever say something stupid like that. ”Eh. I'm -” He helped Kaidan to his feet again, ”Are you okay?”

”Yep.” Kaidan grinned in the dark. ”Do you realize that this place could be a deathtrap in the dark, right?”

”Yeah, maybe it's a dumb idea.” Shepard scratched his scalp under his hat.

Kaidan looked around, ”This.. could it be? Hell yeah! It's a storm lantern.” The smile was evident in his voice. He pushed the button and a blue light illuminated their faces in the dark. ”Doesn't look like it got a lot of juice.”

”Why am I not surprised?” John sighed. ”Should we look for a bed?”

”Excuse me?” Kaidan laughed.

”Oh.” John blushed fiercely, hoping it was obscured in the blue light. ”It wasn't some lame innuendo. It was just -”

”I'm just taking a piss on you.” Kaidan grinned, ”Come on, you're right. We should get some sleep.”

-*-

They stumbled around in the small rooms for a while, laughing breathlessly, teeth clattering in the cold, until they found a single cot in the back room, it seemed pretty intact. John let himself fall over on it, and to his surprise Kaidan followed laughing. They lay there shoulder to shoulder, laughing themselves to tears. Neither of them really knew what was so funny, maybe it was just everything. In the end Kaidan sat up and pulled off his jacket, gently placing it over John's chest. Turning over John felt Kaidan spoon up behind him, for maximum effect of body heat and the jacket. His warm breath tickled in John's neck and made him smile. ”The light is dying.” John whispered as the lantern flickered.

”Let it.” Kaidan whispered, ”Nothing we need to see.” He paused, ”God, you're cold.” He rubbed John's arm gently to get the blood flowing.

”Is that girl Rahna your girlfriend?” John asked, completely out of the blue.

”No.” Kaidan whispered back, watching the lantern flicker a last time before it went out, leaving them in the dark.

”Oh I thought she was.” John said lamely, wishing that Kaidan would stop breathing on his neck, and rubbing his arm. Or never stop. He wasn't sure, he just knew he had an insane urge to readjust himself in his pants. They laid in silence for a long while, John squeezing his eyes tightly shut, trying to will his erection away, that damn thing always popped up at the most inappropriate of times.

Kaidan stopped rubbing John's arm and popped his head up on his other arm. ”John? You sleeping?” John didn't answer, but his breath hitched when Kaidan's hand slid from his arm to his chest. ”You're not sleeping, I can feel your heart beat like a jackhammer.”

”M'not.” Shepard mumbled.

”Wanna fool around?” Kaidan asked innocently, but didn't move his hand from John's chest.

”Wh-what?” John whispered, even if he heard Kaidan just fine.

”You heard me.” Kaidan said softly. ”I just got that, ehm vibe off you. You know I thought you sorta liked me too. But maybe I misunderstood you and you're not into boys. -”

John finally turned his head and twisted his neck a little in an attempt to look at Kaidan. ”But why? I mean, why me?”

”Because you have the most beautiful blue eyes I ever saw.” Kaidan said popping his head further up, looking down at John. ”And because you have a sexy smile.”

”A sexy smile?” John couldn't help but to laugh a little.

”Don't make fun of me.” Kaidan sneered, ”I you don't want to, just say it.”

”I am not making fun of you, I just never heard anyone say that before.” John said in all seriousness. He licked his lips, ”Yeah, yeah I'd like to uhm..” He turned a little to his back again, Kaidan still pressed against his side. He had no words for what Kaidan's lips felt like when they met his. They were soft and suddenly John was horribly aware that his were chapped and dry. Most mind-blowing of all was the whole idea that someone wanted to kiss him, and someone like Kaidan at that!

Kaidan pulled back and just looked at John in the dark. ”Something wrong?”

Blushing to the extent that it hurt in his cheeks, John looked up at Kaidan, ”No, no.. I just never.”

”That was your first kiss?” Kaidan asked softly.

”Yeah.” John admitted.

”You okay with that?” Kaidan asked, pushed a hand up under John's rough sweater, ”Guess that means that no one ever touched you here either.” his smirk was audible.

”I'm fine, it's.. oh.” John flinched as Kaidan's hand ran up his side till his fingertips met a perky nipple. Kaidan leaned down and kissed him again, urging John to open his mouth which he eventually did. It was wet and delirious, and Kaidan tasted of lemon. The hand that had brushed his nipple went down over his stomach, stopping to rub in the fine hairs from his navel down under his waistline. ”I don't think -” John managed to get out against Kaidan's lips.

”Wanna stop?” Kaidan asked.

”No.” John whispered, gingerly unbuttoning his pants, registering that Kaidan did the same, it was a weird feeling with his pants down under his ass, the cold against his now heated skin, making his cock twitch, and then the velvety soft, warm, and yet hard cock of Kaidan's against his hip, it felt much like his own, but it wasn't.

”Turn a little towards me,” Kaidan whispered, hissing and sighing as their cocks met. ”Mmmhm like that. You like that?”

”Yeah.” John answered a little breathless, he wasn't quite sure where to put his hands, or what he was supposed to say. He wanted Kaidan to know he liked it, but all the options running through his head came from bad porno on the extranet. And 'give it to me, give me your giant cock, oh yeah, fuck yeah' was not really an option was it? ”It's really nice.” He said.

Kaidan smiled and giggled a little before be wrapped his hand around both their cocks, just looking at John in the dark. He was absolutely beautiful like this, eyes closed and his brows knitted in concentration. He was so busy exploring their cocks with his fingers, and indulging in staring at John that he almost didn't hear the stuttered whisper, ”Wa-wait.” - Kaidan stopped, and just looked down at John who slowly opened his eyes, Kaidan was sure that John would tell him to get the fuck off him, or to go slower. But instead a sweaty trembling hand was placed against his cheek, caressing him, a thumb ran over Kaidan's lips and down over his chin. John was mapping his face in the dark, and then when his hand made it to Kaidan's neck he was tugged down for a kiss. Funny that it seemed a thousand times more intimate than their cocks squeezed together inside his palm.

John couldn't help his jittery hips as Kaidan started to move his hand again. He had not even imagined it would feel this way. He had not thought that anything could feel this good. It was nothing like doing it himself. He had not even ever given thought to if he liked boys or girls, but this felt right. So maybe this was how you knew?

It was over embarrassingly fast for both of them. Kaidan's forehead against John's cheekbone, listening to John's repressed little keening noises, until he spasmed slightly and went completely still. Kaidan felt the hot semen on his hand and it rubbed all over his own cock as he moved his hand. Kaidan came with a little gasp, appreciating the craziness of this.

-*-

Kaidan had wiped his hand in the foot end of the mattress, and to both their regret they had to pull their pants up and let the stains sort themselves out. It was just too cold to fall asleep with your pants around your ankles.

”I had not imagined my fist kiss like that.” John whispered in the dark.

”How had you imagined it?” Kaidan asked, his eyes closing on their own accord, he was tired, and the steady rhythm of John breathing was lulling him to sleep.

”With a girl for starters.” John said with a little tired chuckle. ”And maybe not with my pants around my knees on a dirty mattress, in the asshole of the sol system.” He wrapped a hand around Kaidan's and pulled their hands up under his chin, kissing Kaidan's knuckles. ”But it was perfect.”

”Just goes to show what you know.” Kaidan counter-joked.

”Yeah.” John whispered and closed his eyes, feeling cocooned in Kaidan, wishing he had known this feeling long ago. Always being surrounded by harsh words, hard fists and always being on your toes. Then this was a whole new world, a feeling he had never known.

-*-

John woke with Kaidan whispering, ”Good morning princess.” In his ear.

”Really?” John whined. ”Do we have to get up?” He mumbled, not even sure he'd be able to open his eyes.

”Yeah well.” Kaidan whispered, ”Soon.”

” Wanna fool around?” John asked with a grin on his face which Kaidan couldn't see.

Kaidan laughed, it was a merry and happy laughter that filled John with the need to hear that sound again and again. ”Sure.” Kaidan said as his laughter died down. But this time John surprised him with turning around really fast and pulling him down for a kiss, he was a surprisingly good kisser for someone who just got his first kiss last night.

Acting on instinct, he spread his legs to make way for Kaidan as he rolled on top of him. Gasping as Kaidan's abdomen put pressure on his swelling cock. And when Kaidan abandoned their kiss to unbutton his pants, John followed suit, almost sighing in relief as the cold air hit his groin. Kaidan took his hand and wrapped both their hands around their joined cocks which were crushed between them. Without ending their kiss, Kaidan let go and placed a hand on each side of John's head. When Kaidan started fucking his hand John could only moan into the kiss, his legs fell apart even wider, as he too thrust into his hand in time with Kaidan. It sent sweet thrills deep inside him somewhere which was still virgin to a strangers touch. Like he needed something but he didn't know what was.

”Someday.” Kaidan panted, ”I want to fuck you.”

”Mmhmm,” John agreed biting his lip, ”Yes, do that.”

Kaidan lowered his head to rest on John's shoulder and sped up his thrusts, biting and sucking on the tendon he found there. Sending John off with a 'God yes, Kaidan'. Which was exactly what he needed to hear before he came too, adding his to John's, their bellies slipping in it, which made them both laugh and wince at the gross sound, as they pulled apart.

For a long moment they just stared at each other, trying to catch their breath. In two simple sentences they had sorted their relationship to each other out. Kaidan wanted to top, and to see John again. That was all he needed to know really.

-*-

They got up in silence and made their way through the maintenance building to the outside, both boys blinked and tried to get adjusted to the brightness of morning. John wished he was still in the bed with Kaidan, all kinds of filthy ideas sprung to mind of stuff he had only seen on pictures that he'd like to try out, and he was sorta sure that Kaidan wouldn't mind. ”So.” John said as they walked along, ”Are you natural biotic or do you have one of them implants?”

Kaidan laughed bitterly, ”We all have implants.” He smiled at John's ignorance. ”No human would be strong enough a biotic to do what we do, without an implant.”

”Oh.” John nodded, ”So what's it like? Having a chip in your brain.”

”Ehm..” Kaidan shrugged, ”No different really, besides the headaches when you overload it.” He turned around and lifted up his hair to show John the scar on his neck. ”Got it last year.”

John wavered for a moment and then reached up on his toes and kissed the angry looking scar. Feeling absolutely silly, but felt that it was the right thing to do.

Kaidan just turned around and looked at John, his eyes wide and surprised. ”you are something else John.”

John smiled, ”Something good I hope.”

”Yeah, I think you are.” Kaidan smiled, he was about to make a joke about the cute noises he had made when they had made out, but he figured they didn't know each other well enough to do that, John might take it the wrong way.

Making small talk about this and that, they made it to the compound parking lot. ”Hey.” John said, ”I'm going this way.” He nodded to his left, ”So uhm.. See you around, right?”

”Absolutely.” Kaidan said, pulling off his jacket handing it to John. ”For you.”

”What? I can't.. I mean..”

”Take it.” Kaidan said, ”I have two other jackets.”

”Oh okay.” John said, gingerly putting the backpack down to put on the jacket. Looking down himself and smiling, he looked back up at Kaidan. ”Thank you,” He said, and without thought he rose to his toes and kissed Kaidan swiftly and sweetly.

”Don't be a stranger.” Kaidan said, smiling. ”My room is 2035, and the door activation code is 14112151 - by the way. Now you know.” When John looked blank, ”My birthday, 14^th of November 2151.”

”I won't.” John smiled, ”Be a stranger that is.”

Kaidan smiled back, watching as John hesitantly turned around and walked towards the kitchens.

Chapter Text

Luke looked at John as he shuffled into the kitchen, ”Where the hell have you been boy?” He bellowed.

”I got lost in the dark.” John said softly. ”Had to wait for daylight.”

Luke stared at him, not sure if he should believe it or not. John shrugged off the backpack and handed it to Luke who took it and put it down beside him. ”What is that?”

John knew exactly what Luke was talking about, but he was not giving this jacket up without a fight. ”It was a gift.” He said.

”Did you steal it off one of the students?” Luke asked stepping closer, ”Looks too nice for anything you can get here.”

John wanted to turn around with Luke as he circled him. ”I swear, it's a gift.”

”Right.” Luke said annoyed, not believing him one bit. ”I know you, you little shit. You steal anything that isn't bolted to the ground.” He rose a brow, ”Do you think I never notice what the hell you're up to. You're not as smart as you think you are. Kid.”

”I didn't steal it.” John yelled out, he knew it was the wrong call when Luke stared at him coldly.

”Give it.” Luke growled.

”No.” John wrapped his arms around him to hold unto the jacket.

Luke slapped him across the face hard, ”I won't ask again.”

John's eyes watered from the sting in his cheek, ”I'm not lying,” He whispered, ”It's a gift.” But he still reluctantly took off Kaidan's jacket, and hung it over Luke's waiting hand. He should have known that the second slap would come, but he had hoped it wouldn't. He was kinda glad that he had given the jacket to Luke when he felt the familiar burn inside his nose, and saw droplets of blood on the floor. He wiped his bloody nose with the back of his hand and winced.

”Who's is it?”

”Mine.” John couldn't help himself, even if he knew it would only earn him another slap.

”Who.”

”Alenko.” John muttered angrily. ”A student.”

”Alright, now.” Luke looked up at the clock in the kitchen. ”They're settling down for early lunch, and I want you to go out there and give this back.”

John looked up at Luke in alarm, ”Please, no.”

”Are you seriously talking back to me boy?” Luke said, picking up a spatula, waving it in John's face. ”If you want to eat, you do as I tell you.”

John sneered, but took the jacket from Luke again, he knew that beatings had limited effect, but the prospect of going hungry was the strongest bargaining chip he had. ”Yes, sir.”

”Get going,” Luke pointed at the large doors to the mess hall, ”I'll keep an eye on you from here.”

John walked through the mess hall, wiping his nose again, snot and blood mingling. He saw Kaidan right away and walked straight over. He could feel the officer’s eyes on him, and Luke's as well. He cleared his throat and held out the Jacket to Kaidan, ”I'm sorry I took your jacket.” He mumbled, not looking Kaidan in the eye.

”I gave it to you.” Kaidan said puzzled and alarmed.

John looked up to his left to see Luke stand next to Patroclus at the door to the kitchen. John gently placed the jacket in Kaidan's lap, still avoiding his eyes, he whispered, ”Please just take it back.”

”Okay.” Kaidan whispered back.

With that John turned on his heels and fled the mess hall.

-*-

It took him two days to get rid of Luke's watchful glare, he wondered if Luke himself had gotten in trouble for all the shit John did. But when he came back to his blanket in the hall again, he smiled, and picked up his blanket, swiftly running down the corridor aiming for the student quarters. He had to dodge some Turians and a single scientist on the way, but all in all it was no problem this late. He ran down the corridor looking for 2035, and when he found it, he swiftly punched in the code on the door. He was slightly surprised that it worked, no alarms went off or nothing. He slipped into the dark, and just stood there for a moment. He startled when the lamp was turned on and Kaidan rubbed his eyes tiredly.

”John?” Kaidan asked in a near whisper.

”Hey.” John said gingerly walking towards the bed. ”Ehm.. sorry about the jacket.”

”Why are you sorry about that? I should have known it would get you in trouble.” Kaidan said sitting up in bed watching John as he sat down on the far end.

(Art by Maxxie)

”It was nothing.” John smiled.

”It didn't look like nothing.” Kaidan said, inching closer, studying John, looking for injuries in his face.

”Believe me, I'm fine.” John said.

Kaidan poked John's cheek gently, ”There's a still a bruise.” He stated, fascinated that John's blush spread under his fingertips. Amused he leaned in and kissed the fading bruise softly.

John smiled and turned his head, ”I don't get you, man.”

”You don't have to.” Kaidan shrugged.

”What'cha reading?” John nodded towards the data pad on the bed table.

”Oh.. It's an ancient thing.” He smiled.

”Read some to me.” John said all excited, ”Please?”

Kaidan looked at John surprised. ”Sure.”

John stood up and undid his boots, and shimmied out of his dirty clothes, slowly lying down in bed next to Kaidan, he just smiled and got comfortable.

”Alright,” Kaidan couldn't help to smile because John was laying there just looking at him, smiling. Kaidan cleared his throat and read, ”American planes, full of holes and wounded men and corpses took off backwards from an airfield in England. Over France, a few German fighter planes flew at them backwards, sucked bullets and shell fragments from some of the planes and crewmen.”

John's hand explored Kaidan's stomach as he was reading, grinning with Kaidan hitched and cringed cause it tickled. ”Read on,” He mumbled kissing Kaidan's shoulder which was right in front of his face.

”They did the same for wrecked American bombers on the ground, and those planes flew up backwards to join the formation. ” Kaidan read and then giggled as John circled his bellybutton with a fingertip. ”That tickles.”

John grinned, and flattened his hand on Kaidan's stomach, and inched closer till he was flush against Kaidan. ”Keep reading, it was just getting good.” John said slyly.

Kaidan swallowed hard, but went back to reading, trying not to think about John's warm body against his, or the fingertips that lifted the elastic of his underpants. ”The formation flew backwards over a German city that was in flames. The bombers opened their bomb bay doors, exerted a miraculous magnetism which, ” He paused and bit his lip as he felt a rough calloused hand, caress his newly awakened erection. ”- which sh-shrunk the fires, gathered them into cylin.. cylin- cylindrical.” Kaidan let the datapad fall down into the bed, and grabbed John's shoulder instead, squeezing it.

John was amazed at how fast Kaidan had to give up on reading, deciding that luck favors the bold, he leaned in and kissed Kaidan's chest. Looking up at Kaidan from the corner of his eye, he noticed that he was biting his hand. Suppose the walls were thin or something. And Lord knew that John wouldn't want to be caught here, he couldn't even imagine what the consequences of that would be. For a moment he wondered if he should move down and take Kaidan's cock in his mouth, like he had seen so many times on videos and images. He looked down at it and his hand coaxing it. It was tempting, he knew that Kaidan would not object, but was he really ready to do that? It seemed like a big deal to John, like taking these make out sessions the step further. And until a week ago he had never even imagined what this would be like, besides his own fantasies. Kaidan let out a little needy huff behind his hand. And John made a decision, he moved further down and kissed a trail all the way down. He could feel Kaidan's thigh muscles flex, and see the rapid movement of his chest. John's own cock twitched in anticipation of what he was about to do as he lowered his head and timidly sucked on the head of Kaidan's cock, never breaking the rhythm of his hand. Kaidan's hand squeezed hard on his shoulder to the point of pain. John licked his lips wondering if the taste of Kaidan was good or bad, he decided that it wasn't either so he did it again. Slipping the head in between his lips, his tongue rolling over what felt really oddly shaped inside his mouth. Kaidan spasmed lightly and John pulled back – watching Kaidan climax as he kept jerking him off. And he felt oddly proud that he could do that to someone.

Trying to catch his breath, Kaidan slowly opened his eyes and looked up at John who hovered over him. ”Dirty – tricks.” He chuckled breathlessly.

John just smiled, and flopped down on the mattress next to Kaidan again. Kaidan rolled over on his side so he was face to face with John, returning the favor getting him off with firm strokes. And as John came, he swallowed the noise in a kiss, thinking to himself that this was close to fucking perfect. ”Next time.” Kaidan whispered against John's lips.

”You wanna do it?” John whispered, ”Like for real?”

”Yeah.” Kaidan admitted with a weak blush staring right into John's ridiculously blue eyes.

John licked his lips nervously. ”Why wait till next time?”

”Right now?” Kaidan asked surprised, but his heart skipped a beat just at the thought.

”We could.” John whispered.

”Al-alright.” Kaidan whispered with a nervous laugh. And started to kiss John again, this time it was slow and sloppy. His heart hammered away in his chest, giddy and nervous. He had no clue what the hell he was doing, but neither did John so maybe it was okay. Shifting about, Kaidan maneuvered John in under him. His head reeling with the knowledge that they were really gonna do this, and what would it be like? He had been all in control of the make out sessions, he had made out with others, but never had he gone this far. Funny part was that he really wanted to, he was all sweaty palms and beating heart at the prospect of doing it – with John.

John popped up on his elbows watching Kaidan as he searched around at the side of his bed, producing a bottle. For a moment their eyes locked and John nodded. He watched Kaidan pour it in his hand and gingerly rub it on John's balls and lower down, slicking him up. Kaidan shifted to get more comfortable and studied John's asshole like was it a science project, slowly pushing a finger in. John twitched a little, it felt so much larger than it looked, and suddenly he worried if Kaidan's cock would even fit. ”You okay?” Kaidan asked worried. Realizing he had zoned out for a moment, John nodded, ”Yeah.” - He leaned back as Kaidan added another finger, turning them inside him, it felt weird and maybe a little wrong. But when the fingers were pulled out, he felt an odd loss. ”What's wrong?” John whispered.

”I think I need more,” Kaidan mumbled, pouring more lube on his fingers.

”Oh.. okay.” John answered lamely. Lowering himself back on the pillow, not quite sure what else to do.

Kaidan was beginning to think that he was doing something wrong when nothing sorta happened. Maybe nothing was really supposed to happen? He was watching John closely for signs that he should stop or that it was good. He looked mightily focused, but that was about it when suddenly he heard John suck in his breath in a harsh sharp way. ”John?” Kaidan asked, experimentally rubbing his fingers the same spot again.

”Oh.” John just mumbled and a lazy smile spread on his face.

Kaidan repeated it noticing as John was squirming not sure where to put his hands. One grabbed the sheet, the other Kaidan's arm. Kaidan smiled to himself and teased the swollen gland again and again. After a little while John was gripping the sheet, and bruising Kaidan's arm.

When Kaidan stopped and pulled out his fingers John wasn't able to do much other than squirm more, he was dying to just grab his own cock and take the tension away. ”Ready?” Kaidan asked down in the other end of the bed.

John opened his eyes and looked at Kaidan, ”Yeah.” He said breathlessly. Kaidan nodded and climbed up to kiss him. While they kissed John felt something which for a moment felt hard as bone, press against his ass. But only for a little while till it gave way and let the intruding flesh inside. It stung but nothing too bad, but it was also not like he had thought it would be, and nothing like the fingers.

”Are you okay?” Kaidan asked kissing dirty sloppy kisses down John's cheek and to his ear.

As an answer John wrapped his legs around Kaidan urging him on. He just wasn't sure how many times he could say 'yes I’m good, get on with it' without sounding like a douchebag. He still let out an undignified yelp as Kaidan pushed on in.

”Oh no.” Kaidan stopped dead and looked down at John.

”Shut up.” John mumbled back and pulled Kaidan down for a kiss, waiting for the odd throb to end. When he relaxed again Kaidan experimentally pushed in more and then waited a while again before he started to move. At first it was a little weird and the stretch was not really painful but not pleasant. Kaidan's breath in John's ear was already heavy and filled with desire.

Kaidan adjusted himself a little pulling John's ass up a little so it was easier for him to thrust. He could honestly say that he had never felt anything like it, and wished desperately he knew how to make this good for John. He took John's hand by the wrist and guided it to his cock wedged between them. It took a while but then Kaidan heard John's breathing change, and he squirmed a little again, but it was not till he made a little keening sound that Kaidan dared to fuck him harder. ”Fuck.” John mumbled, ”Fuck yes.” Kaidan smiled against John's ear.

Arching his back, pushing back against Kaidan, John just wanted more, like his climax was right there outside his reach, and if only Kaidan would fuck him deeper, it would be his. ”Deeper.” He managed to get out, he could feel Kaidan's fuck-drunk leer against his skin, and he rose up a little and placed a hand on each side of John's neck, this gave john more room to jerk himself off as well. And suddenly the promise of his climax came closer. He could hear a high pitched needy moan, realizing it was his own. And just then climax hit him like a truck, he didn't even notice that Kaidan held a hand over his mouth to silence him. But he felt the shallow irregular thrusts before Kaidan came inside him.

Kaidan rolled off him, laughing and panting. ”God that was intense.”

”Fuck yeah.” John just chuckled, enjoying how his body was still humming of his orgasm.

”We need to do that again someday.” Kaidan whispered.

”Are you crazy?” John turned his head and looked at Kaidan, ”We need to do it like two times a day for the rest of our lives.”

-*-

That night John didn't mind sleeping in the hall, his body still remembering how Kaidan had felt, both on his skin and inside him.

Chapter Text

The following weeks, John found himself sneaking off to meet Kaidan all sorts of possible and impossible places to fuck each other’s brains out. Usually they didn't really have a whole lot to say to each other besides Kaidan kissing John's bruises, and John trying to relieve Kaidan's headaches. They were content with the physical contact, and even if they had a slow start, they made good for that, but always hiding, always afraid to be caught. They both knew that if they were caught, John would be shipped off, or something else, all to keep them apart – The program didn't allow for the student to focus on anything but being a weapon.

John tried his hardest to act normal when he once in a while was in contact with the students, it still hurt when he saw Kaidan deep in focused conversation with Rahna. John was not stupid, he could tell she liked him, liked him a lot.

-*-

That night John found Kaidan waiting at the C2 utility room. ”Hey.” John said with a smile. ”Had a good day?”

”Yeah.” Kaidan said reaching out pulling John close. John was oddly listless and Kaidan held him out in stretched arms, ”What's wrong? Did something happen? Did Luke..”

John shook his head sadly, but looked up at Kaidan, ”I'm fine.” He said, ”Just tired.”

”We can just meet next week,” Kaidan said. ”It's no biggie.”

John bit his lip, reaching up to touch Kaidan's cheek, ”I love you.” He said. There he said it! He searched Kaidan's eyes for the answer.

Kaidan smiled and kissed John softly, ”I love you too.”

John wrapped his arms around Kaidan, holding him tight – the sadness and odd pressure in his chest all went away like with magic.

”Was that what was bugging you?” Kaidan chuckled softly.

”Sorta, yeah maybe it was.” John squirmed, tilting his head so Kaidan could kiss his way down till his collarbone.

”I thought you knew.” Kaidan mumbled, ”I told you I loved you over and over.”

”Yeah I know, but always when we – ehm.. do it. So I thought that maybe.” John sighed, ”Okay I have seen you and Rahna and.. She is absolutely head over heels Kaidan.” He looked away from Kaidan's worried brown eyes.

”Rahna?” Kaidan smiled, ”She's just a good friend, that's all – Surely you don't think that -”

”I don't know what to think.” John hung his head in shame, ”Maybe it would be better if -”

”Don't ever say that!” Kaidan shook John gently, ”Don't you even dare!”. John smiled a little embarrassed and looked up at Kaidan. ”You are the one I want. Only you.” Kaidan said solemnly.

”Sometimes I just -” John said looking Kaidan straight into his eyes, ”I just worry yanno?”

”You got nothing to worry about.” Kaidan said softly, cupping John's face in his hands, kissing him firmly. ”Nothing at all.” He whispered against John's lips.

John felt slightly silly and guilty, but he had really needed to hear that, he couldn't help but to feel upset over all the hours that Kaidan spent with Rahna, talking, eating, laughing. And John was just a sporadic spectator. ”I wish I was the one there with you.” John whispered, idly fumbling Kaidan's belt buckle.

”Me too.” Kaidan sighed blissfully as his pants hit the floor, pooling around his feet. Moments later John's followed, and for a while they just stood like that, belly against belly, kissing, feeling each other's skin. It was the next best thing to having a bed. Kaidan twisted John around and pushed him up against the wall. They had done this several times over so he knew that John didn't mind one bit.

-*-

Lost in their own world, neither John or Kaidan noticed anyone come down to the basement corridor, and turn the corner to the utility room. It was not until a soft voice said, ”Kaidan, how could you?”

Both Kaidan and John froze, turning their heads, and in the next blink of an eye, were busy hauling their pants back up. ”Rahna, what the hell are you doing down here? You should be in your room, in bed sleeping for Christ sake!” Kaidan mumbled a little out of breath, and surprised.

”I wanted to see if I was right.” Rahna said, ”I wish I wasn’t.”

”I like you Rahna, you are my friend, my very best friend in this whole place in fact.” Kaidan said pulling John behind him, hoping that she'd sorta forget he was there. ”But this has nothing to do with you. Please, go back to bed.”

”It has everything to do with me.” Rahna huffed, ”Not only did I think you liked me -”

”I do like you.”

”Not like that” She gestured at John who had stepped back against the door.

”Look you're hardly being reasonable.” Kaidan said softly.

”I thought you were an honorable sort, Alenko.” Rahna said, her lips set in a sneer. ”He's all yours.” She said and turned, passing Vyrnus and Patrobus coming around the corner.

”Oh shit,” John whimpered, reaching out for Kaidan's hand. Knowing full well it was about the most stupid thing he could do, he really should run. But he did it anyway.

”Alenko.” Vyrnus said ”Who would have thought you were down here slumming it with the workers, when you should be in your bed.”

”I ehm.” Kaidan said, completely at a loss for words, staring into Vyrnus' hard gaze.

John made a decision, one he knew was dumb but he just couldn't let Kaidan take the heat, he knew he himself was screwed anyway. ”It was my idea, sir.” John said, and pushed Kaidan to the side.

”Why the fuck are you?” Vyrnus said.

” C2:13” John said.

”Ah the cook's kid.” Vyrnus said with a slight nod. ”Must give it to you kid, you're getting around huh?” He whirled a hand over his head, ”Moving up in the world.”

”Sir, yes sir.” John just said looking down at his feet.

”Patrobus, take this little shit to his room. And change the damn code.” He pointed at Kaidan.

Kaidan stared wide eyed at John. ”No.” He just exclaimed.

”Don't hurt him.” John said, his voice carrying a slight threat.

”He's too valuable for the lab coats.” Patrobus said, ”Come on Alenko let's go. Your little make out session is over.”

Kaidan held on tighter to John's hand, ”What about John?” He looked from Vyrnus to Patrobus.

”Well that's another story, not exactly irreplaceable.” Vyrnus said drily.

John paled knowing that was bad, way bad. He looked at Kaidan who bit his lip. ”I love you.” Kaidan whispered, snatching his hand from John and erupted in blue, lifting Vyrnus and Patrobus from the ground. ”Run!” He yelled, ”Run dammit!”

”But..” John looked at Kaidan, ”I can't – I.. what about you?”

”As he said, I'm too valuable. You're not.” Kaidan looked sorrowful, ”Please, I can't keep them here. Run!”

John stared at Kaidan where blood started to flow from his nose. ”I -” He took a deep breath, ”I – ” He leaned in and kissed Kaidan's cheek. ”Love you.” He whispered against Kaidan's skin before he sprinted off, running all he could, running out of the basement, out into the stormy night, and kept on running till he threw up, and then ran a little more before he stopped.

-*-

He managed to sneak back to the landing pad and get aboard a shipunseen which had brought rations for the station. Little did he know it would be years before he'd see Kaidan again. But he was not surprised when he heard that a biotic boy with that description had finally killed Vyrnus. It had caused some ripples in the regard of Human – Turian relations, but even the Turians had to admit to Vyrnus being a tyrant. Jump Zero was closed for good, and what was left of the research was scattered at the winds.

John had returned to earth, deciding to not go back to what he came from, he went straight to the Alliance recruitment office in town, and lied about his birthday. They apparently didn't check because they let him on with no questions asked.

Chapter Text

John Shepard had been in the service for five years, enjoying the newfound family he had. He had no objection to follow orders, he had followed orders his entire life. This was no different really, except that you were treated a little better. The Alliance army had its fair share of sadists like Vyrnus, but they were pretty easy to avoid if you knew how. All in all John thought it panned out alright. Besides, the Alliance was based on a strict 'don't ask, don't tell' policy in regards to just about anything besides your psych evaluation. So his past never came up, neither did his sexuality. He knew how to hide important stuff from prying eyes, and this was no different. His discipline and no questions asked, 110% in all missions attitude had helped him skip through ranks pretty fast. He still wasn't sure he was worth all the trust placed in him.

Sometimes he had wondered what had become of Kaidan after they shut down Jump Zero, but he just supposed that your first love always would fill you with a sort of melancholy feeling, no matter how and why it ended. He had had other lovers since, but none as intense. None of them even rivalled Kaidan in his memory.

”Shepard!” Ade poked John, ”You're zoning out.” He laughed, ”We're here to get laid man. Ooorah! Shore leave!” He laughed pushing a drink in Shepard's hand.

”Sir, yes sir!” Shepard laughed back, and took a sip of his drink.

”Check that Asari chick on that table.” Ade nodded towards a table dancer. ”Wouldn't mind bugging her.”

”Oh really? Then why do you keep staring at the lt?” Shepard snickered, ”Come on Ade, go talk to her. Off the record and all.” He elbowed Ade.

”Okay.. yeah..”Ade blushed visibly in the red lights of the club. ”I should.”

”Yes you should.” Shepard grabbed Ade's arm and pulled him down to him, ”You only live once, make the best of it marine.” He yelled in Ade's face with a laugh.

”Alright there drill sergeant.” Ade shook his head, ”I'll go talk to her.”

”Good, piss off.” Shepard grinned smug and took a sip of his drink, turning his gaze to the Asari table dancer, not noticing when Ade left. After a while he got up to get another drink. He pushed in between people at the bar, and leaned in to get the bartender's attention. ”Yo, thirsty marine!” He yelled.

He got his drink by an annoyed Turian, and Shepard turned around with a smile, looking at the dance floor. He had never been a dancer, never would be. So he was quite content with watching others dance. He saw couples melt in and out, dancing. Sipping his drink feeling fine. Then he heard it, someone yelled, ”Alenko, two!” and the ”Sure thing.” yelled back. A jolt of joy and panic mingled shooting up and down his spine like a pinball ball. He wanted to turn his head and look down the bar, but on the other hand he didn't want Kaidan to see him, if it was Kaidan, he could have family for fucks sake. He didn't have to be the only person in the galaxy named Alenko. But when he saw the person leave with two drinks to go back to a table in the corner, he recognized his back, the way he walked. No doubt, that was Kaidan.

Shepard just stood and sipped his drink, casually watching Kaidan as he sat down with some other people. John felt a sting of sorrow as Kaidan leaned in and handed the drink to some fella, smiling brightly. He used to smile like that when he saw him back on Jump Zero, John knew what that smile entailed. No wonder he moved on, come on, it had been years and they hadn't promised each other anything. He tried to push it out of his mind, turning around to order another drink from the Turian. As he turned again, Kaidan and the fella were on the dance floor. Yep, they were definitely more than friends, Shepard thought to himself as he watched them. He felt slightly ashamed of himself that he was jealous, that should have been him dancing with Kaidan, they had deserved to have fun. He sighed and looked down into his drink, deciding that the next would be double up.

”Having fun Staff Sergeant Shepard?” An amused voice said next to John. He looked away from Kaidan and his friend and right into the face of Private Inez Portillo. ”And congratulations on your promotion, we're looking forward to -”

”Portillo.” Shepard sighed, ”Shore leave, remember? No work talk, please.” He smiled at her. ”But thank you.”

”Still, just wanted to say I'm sure you're gonna be great, Sir!” She said toasting with John, ”Still weird though.”

Shepard laughed, ”That I'm your superior? I always was.” He smiled a sly smile at her.

Portillo blushed lightly and looked away from Shepard, ”Is it true they recruited you for the N7 program?” She asked.

”Maybe.” Shepard said with a laugh. ”Please, no more work talk. We're here to get drunk and unwind.” He gestured towards the dance floor. ”Why don't you go dance?”

”Not much of a dancer, sir.”

”Yeah I relate.” Shepard chuckled.

”Hey come on, Inez.” another Marine laughed pulling Portillo's arm, ”Let's dance.”

Shepard grinned and gestured towards the dance floor, urging Portillo to go dance. He turned his head and looked at Kaidan's group wondering if he should go say something. Maybe Kaidan didn't want to know him anymore, after all Jump Zero had been a terrible place, and maybe he just wanted to forget everything that had gone on there.

-*-

Five drinks later Shepard could hardly stand, but came to the conclusion that he couldn't ignore it any longer, so it was with a hammering heart and a dry mouth he walked over to where Kaidan sat. He stopped in front of the table, trying to look casual, but too long in the army and servitude made that hard, so he knew he still looked like he had a stick up his ass even when he tried to look relaxed. ”Alenko?” He said with enough force to drown out the music.

Someone elbowed Kaidan who looked up puzzled at the man at their table. Why the hell would one of those marines come here? ”That's me.” He said.

Shepard swallowed, maybe this had been a super bad idea. ”I'm sorry, I got the wrong man. Have a nice evening Gentlemen.” He saluted them and turned around, and walked towards the exit, he would just have to go find another bar to drown himself in booze, this served absolutely no purpose. His chest stung from the reality of Kaidan not recognizing him, he recalled when he first had come back to earth he had imagined the moment they'd meet again.. Needless to say he had pictured it a lot different. Good or bad, he had never thought they'd be strangers.

Kaidan got up from his seat, and looked after the man who walked with long strides towards the exit. ”What the -”

”Come on, it was nothing.” The man next to him said.

”No, I have to -” Kaidan pushed out through the people seated, until Des grabbed his wrist, ”I'm going with you.” He stated and got up.

”Alright.” Kaidan shrugged, there was no need telling Des he could look after himself, Des wanted to feel like the protector, and Kaidan let him. Actually it was quite endearing.

-*-

Shepard was at the elevator when he heard someone call ”Hey! Wait!” He knew the voice, and the last thing he wanted was to turn around and be faced with Kaidan not recalling him. He did however turn around to see Kaidan come towards him with his 'friend' in tow. How cruel the world was sometimes. ”Yes?” Shepard said, crossing his arms over his chest, giving off as much authority as he could.

Kaidan read the name strip on Shepard’s chest. ”Staff Sergeant Shepard.” He said looking up at Shepard, ”Why did you ask for me back there? Do I know you?”

”No.” Shepard shook his head, ”I thought you were someone else for a moment,” He smiled, ”I think I had my fill for tonight. Again, I'm sorry.” He got this insane urge to wipe his nose like he had done none stop while on Jump Zero. ”Excuse me.” He turned his back to Kaidan and the other man. Grinding his teeth he wished that the damn elevator would be here soon.

”Are you sure?” Kaidan asked, ”You seem familiar somehow.”

”I'm sure.” Shepard said not wanting to turn around, and his entire body told him to run.

”Staff Sergeant!” Ade yelled running towards Shepard at the elevator. ”Where you going? - eh, Sir.”

”Chora's den.” Shepard said straightening his back, turning to look at Ade.

”It's just that the men were asking where you went.” Ade said.

”I'll see you tomorrow.” Shepard said, nodding at Ade, Kaidan and his friend – stepping into his salvation, the elevator. ”Jesus.” He whispered, rubbing his scalp, and wiping his nose in an old trained move. No amount of drinks in the world would make him feel better, he felt less than nothing. What he had considered the love of his life didn't even recognize him. Maybe it had been a lot of things, but not love? No, he had loved Kaidan, he know he had. He was in a foul mood by the time he walked into Chora's den.

-*-

Two hours later Shepard was sitting at the bar, nodding off. He didn't even register that someone came to stand next to him. ”Come on, time for you to sleep.” Ade said softly hauling Shepard off, aided by Portillio.

Shepard attempted to walk, Ade and Inez holding him up. ”He don't remember.” Shepard mumbled miserably to himself.

”Who doesn't remember, sir?” Inez asked politely, trying to maneuver Shepard into the elevator.

”Kaidan.” slurred, trying to wipe his mouth for drool, and then giggled most undignified.

”Who the hell is that?” Inez asked Ade over Shepard's shoulders.

”No fucking clue.” Ade shook his head. ”Come on, Shepard – we need to get you to bed.”

Shepard almost slid from their hold as his legs buckled. ”I fucking loved him.” His head lulled to the side and rested on Inez' shoulder. ”And his cock.” Shepard smiled a drunken sly smile.

”Okay did he just say what I think he said?” Ade asked battling for a better hold of Shepard as they walked out of the elevator.

”Dude, leave it.” Inez said, ”It's his private life. Seriously.”

”You're right.” Ade said strained now that Shepard seemed to have passed out and was dead weight.

Finally they were at their barrack and could tip Shepard over in a cot. He whined a little as they let him go none to gently. Both Ade and Inez just stood and stared at him. ”Maybe we should check out who this Kaidan person is.” Ade said.

”Come on Tenworth, leave it alone.” Inez argued.

”Still man, he just seemed to upset. And have you ever seen him drink himself into a coma before? I haven't. He is usually the one picking others up from the floor at the end of the night.” Ade looked at Inez, ”I don't know.. it's just disconcerting to see him like this.”

”Between you and me, I didn't know he was able to do anything but to bark orders.” Inez grinned.

-*-

The next morning Shepard woke with a mother of a headache. When he saw the others they smiled and snickered. ”What? Did I piss myself or something?” He asked and looked down himself.

”No, Sir.” Inez said, offering him a cup of coffee. ”You were just drunk as a skunk, Sir. Chora's den sent someone to ask us to fetch you.”

”Oh.. Eh well then,” Shepard smiled embarrassed, ”It's those damn Batarian shots.” He sat down and wished he had not been a complete idiot, he didn't remember leaving Chora's den at any rate. 

Chapter Text

Shepard went about his day as usual, there was still a day left of shore leave, and he had a bunch of official papers to work out, he had sent a bunch of reports to his superior. He was looking over the data file he had received on their next mission. He ordered a coffee and something to eat, before he sat down and looked out over the presidium commons, a peaceful view and coffee did wonders on his hangover state. He opened the file and started to read, Akuze, a whole human colony in the making had gone dark, and apparently they were going in there. He was so lost in his reading that he didn't notice someone standing in front of his table. The person cleared his throat making Shepard look up, he shambled to his feet and saluted. ”Major Tideman, sir!”

The Major smiled, ”At ease Staff Sergeant.” Shepard relaxed a little. ”Let's make this short, I just came down to congratulate you personally. Your application to the N7 program has been approved. The trials will start immediately after you return from Akuze.” He smiled again and held out his hand, which Shepard gingerly took. ”Good work kid.”

”Sir, thank you sir!” Shepard said feeling his cheeks burn. He had never gotten used to praise and this was no exception.

”Make me proud out there.” The Major said and took back his hand.

”I will sir!” Shepard saluted the major again as he turned to leave. For a moment he just stood there and stared. He had been accepted into the N7 program, that was crazy! A wide grin split his face, that was fucking awesome. He sat down with his datapad again but couldn't focus. He looked up as he heard Kaidan's voice, he knew he shouldn't have but he couldn't help himself. He was seated at a table a tableau higher than Shepard, he was smiling and laughing with the same man he had been drinking with the night before. Shepard shook his head and told himself he shouldn't care. He tried to read but he couldn't, all he could think of was Kaidan.

In the end he emptied his coffee cup, and folded the datapad under his arm and walked up, telling himself to just walk past them, not to embarrass himself more than he already had. But his feet had another idea, and so he stopped in front of their table. ”Ehm.. I'm sorry about last night” He said, what he really meant that he regretted being such a damn coward when it came to this. ”But you're right Kaidan, you do know me.”

Kaidan just looked up at him with a polite smile.

”See once there was this skinny kid who snuck aboard a cargo ship to the Gregarin station, thinking it was a sweet meal ticket. It wasn't, but he got by.” He bit his lip feeling like a fucking idiot. But for some reason he just couldn't come out and say it straight. ”Mainly because he knew how to steal anything, once he even stole a pair of black leather gloves for another boy.”

Kaidan's eyes widened. ”J-John? Is it really you?”

”Yeah.” Shepard squirmed slightly, but was happy to see Kaidan snatch his hand from the other man.

Kaidan got up and wrapped his arms around Shepard, ”Why didn't you just say so? God, I thought you died there.” He laughed happily and held Shepard out in straight arms, studying him, ”I can't believe it, you actually made it to earth. Jesus Christ, John!”

The man at the table just raised a brow, ”Care to introduce me to your friend?”

”Oh yes, of course. John this is Des – Des this is John.” Kaidan smiled awkwardly, ”John is an old friend.” Kaidan looked at his uniform, ”System Alliance ground troops huh?”

”Yep.” Shepard said with a nod.

”Never took you for an army man.” Kaidan said with a smile, sitting down next to Des again.

”Right back at ya.” Shepard said, ”Alliance navy.. I thought you hated fighting.”

”Well I figured that I didn't go through all that to learn the skills that I did. Just to sit in my pajamas doing red sand.” Kaidan said with a shrug.

”You got a point.” Shepard said with a smile. ”Well, I have to go prepare for departure in the early hours. Again sorry, I just didn't know what to say I guess.” He laughed to mask his nervousness. ”Take care.” He smiled and saluted them swiftly, ”Kaidan, Des.”

”Hey John!” Kaidan said, ”don't be a stranger, okay?”

”Okay.” Shepard said, but they both knew they were. ”Take care out there.” He said with a nod and turned to leave. Almost stumbling up the stairs cause his thoughts was miles away. That had been an awkward clusterfuck at best.

-*-

Stumbling towards the landing area, he tumbled over, his last thoughts was of Kaidan and what a shame it was that he never got to get to know him again. And of the N7 program, he had let everyone down even if he had fought so goddamn hard. He didn't wake as he was carried aboard the ship.

-*-

He didn't run into Kaidan for another five years, he didn't mind. Somehow fucking guys that looked like him was enough, they didn't hurt. They were a nice blanket he could hide under, shove all his feelings away and just forget that Kaidan would never be his.

It was not until he stood on the bridge of the newly built, state of the art frigate SSV Normandy, welcoming the staff together with Commander Anderson, and Spectre Nilus - that he saw him standing there.

He gathered up the courage to go see him the night before they went to Eden Prime, finding Kaidan reading a datapad, drinking tea. ”Hey Kaidan,” He said softly. ”What'cha reading?” He said with his best native accent, making Kaidan grin.

”It's an ancient thing.” Kaidan said, looking up at Shepard, who lay down on the lopsided sofa.

(Art by Maxxie)

”Read some to me, it's been a while since I got a bedtime story.” Shepard smiled softly, shifting till he was comfortable, closing his eyes, still with a sneaky smile on his lips.

Kaidan grinned, ”Okay.. Out of spite, the human beings pretended not to believe that it was Snowball who had destroyed the windmill: they said that it had fallen down because the walls were too thin. The animals knew that this was not the case. Still, it had been decided to build the walls three feet thick this time instead of eighteen inches as before, which meant collecting much larger quantities of stone.”

”Carry on.” Shepard mumbled hiding a yawn.

”For a long time the quarry was full of snowdrifts and nothing could be done. Some progress was made in the dry frosty weather that followed, but it was cruel work, and the animals could not feel so hopeful about it as they had felt before.” Kaidan read and then stopped. ”Hey John, can I even call you that? I mean, you're my XO, and well.. it just seems so weird to call you Sergeant Shepard.”

Shepard laughed, ”You can call me John.” He turned his head and looked at Kaidan. ”Been thinking of something, ehm.. what happened after I ran?”

”Huh?”

”Back at Jump Zero, I ran and you held Vyrnus and that other Turian asshole.” Shepard said, ”I heard you killed Vyrnus, is that true?”

”Yep.” Kaidan said with a nod. ”I didn't intend to though, it just sorta happened. He was going after you and well I couldn't let him do that.”

”Thanks.” Shepard said with a smile. ”And that girl.. Don't remember her name.”

”Rahna.” Kaidan said, ”Don't know, she refused to talk to me after that whole thing. Not sure if she was offended that I wasn't into her, or if I scared the shit out of her. Or maybe both.” He chuckled.

”Probably both, man.” Shepard said rolling over on his back. ”..Ehm, and that guy Des?”

”Didn't work out.” Kaidan said with a shrug.

”Good.” Shepard said with a smile.

”You smug bastard.” Kaidan grinned, ”I missed you, you know. I might not have said it, or anything, but I really did..”

”So you wouldn't mind if I asked you out, for dinner and ehm.. a drink?” Shepard asked with a little flash of a smile.

”Not what so ever.” Kaidan said softly, ”In fact I was sorta hoping you would.” He put down his datapad, ”For old times’ sake.”

”Yeah, for old times’ sake.” Shepard mirrored, pushing himself up to a sitting position just looking at Kaidan, feeling the tension in the air. ”Kaidan, fun aside -”

”You know what?” Kaidan said softly tilting his head to the side, looking at Shepard. ”I asked specifically to be assigned here under your command.” Kaidan said giving Shepard a little lazy grin.

”You did?” Shepard just stared at Kaidan, but of course it was too much of a coincidence, that Kaidan just happened to be here.

”Yeah.” Kaidan admitted with a weak nod. ”I don't know, it might sound silly. But I knew you when you were a boy, and I wanted to know what kind of man you became. I mean I have heard all sorts of good things about your accomplishments and all that, the shooting star of the Alliance. But I know you John, or well I knew a different John.”

”You're right.” Shepard sighed and leaned back in the sofa. ”Jump Zero seems like a million years ago.” He grinned and added ”I can still nick you a pair of gloves though.”

Kaidan laughed, and held out his hand to Shepard. He didn't need words, neither of them really did.

Shepard looked over at the door, knowing that most the crew had gone to bed, and none of them had a reason to come in here. He got up and walked over to Kaidan, silently placing a knee on each side of Kaidan and sat down on his lap. He reached up to gently caress Kaidan's cheek, it felt big and it felt like a dream. Kaidan was right here, and he was not objecting. For a second he felt like he was 16 again, and Luke would walk in on them in any given moment. ”If we do this,” He whispered, ”We'd still have to hide.”

”We were pretty good at it, weren't we?” Kaidan whispered, grabbing Shepard's wrist, turning his head to kiss the palm of Shepard's hand.

”The best.” Shepard whispered back.

Kaidan started to laugh, ”This is fucking crazy.” He looked up at Shepard, ”We really shouldn't, you know. We don't even know each other anymore.”

”Yeah I know.” Shepard said staring at Kaidan all cross eyed. ”So uhm, you wanna fool around?” He grinned, and Kaidan laughed, wrapping his arms around Shepard's neck pulling him down for a kiss.

It was the strangest feeling kissing Kaidan, like he felt 16 again, his body knew Kaidan's even if he had filled out some. He knew the scent and the texture, he even kissed the same as he had back then. But this was something else, this was a whole other minefield of crap. But he couldn't say no, there was no way in hell he'd stop what he just started. Judging from Kaidan's hands pushing up under Shepard's uniform, neither would he. They really ought to work this out as adult, get to know each other again, do the proper thing. See thing was that neither Shepard or his cock really cared about proper, all they cared about was touching as much of Kaidan as he could.

”Hold up.” Kaidan panted, kissing the corner of Shepard's lips.

Shepard just stared at him, breathing hard, flushed and looking every bit the lover Kaidan had years ago.

”Cameras.” Kaidan said.

Shepard nodded, ”Behind the bar.” He nodded to the bar in the far end.

”Check.” Kaidan said, gently pushing Shepard off him, walking to the bar unbuttoning his uniform as he went.

”You fucking tease.” Shepard mumbled under his breath, trying to rid himself as his uniform, a whole lot less graceful than Kaidan.

They were both snickering like teenagers as the tumbled over behind the bar. ”You still know how to be silent?” Kaidan whispered, rubbing himself up against Shepard in a long languid move which made Shepard gasp.

”Mhhmm, ” Shepard nodded, ”You still know how to do the jolt thing?” He asked with a dirty grin.

”You like that huh?” Kaidan teased, ”Yeah, yeah I still know it.” He licked the shell of Shepard's ear.

Shepard trembled a little like when you got the chills. ”I swear to God Kaidan, this might be a really bad idea and all.. but if you don't do something I will pull ranks on your ass.”

Kaidan snickered, biting Shepard's jaw playfully, ”You haven't gotten more patient over the years.”

Shepard just slapped Kaidan's ass hard, making the man wince.

”Ow.” Kaidan mumbled. Shepard just grinned, and kissed him. ”Ehm.. I hate to ruin the mood, but do we have any ehm..”

”No.” Shepard whispered back, ”We'll have to do without, and remedy that next time.” He smiled.

”You really are a smug bastard aren't you?” Kaidan said softly, reaching down between them, wrapping his fingers around their cocks. ”Alright, ready?” He asked, more out of old habit than anything.

Shepard didn't answer, he popped up on his elbows, looking at Kaidan's face, and then down between them, at their cocks in Kaidan's hand. When Kaidan started to move Shepard bit his lip. He might have lied a little when he said he was still good at being silent.

Kaidan stretched so he could kiss Shepard. Feeling Shepard spasm as Kaidan flashed slightly blue, letting a little current run through them.

”Fuck.” Shepard moaned softly letting his head fall back, closing his eyes. ”More.”

Kaidan intensified the current, smiling at Shepard as he struggled to be silent. ”I could get you off on that alone, couldn't I?” Kaidan whispered, knowing it was unfair.

Shepard raised his head again and kissed Kaidan, moaning into his mouth. His elbows sliding on the floor, until he just gave up and let himself fall back flat on his back. Kaidan worked them relentlessly, and Shepard had to bite down on his hand, drawing blood not to make noise.

Kaidan watched as droplets of blood landed on Shepard's neck, he gave him another slight jolt of biotic current, watching him arch his back and squirm. He sat up, placed a hand on Shepard's chest and the other still pumping their erections. ”Ready?”

Shepard opened his eyes from a second and looked up at Kaidan. He didn't answer, but placed a hand on Kaidan's on his chest.

Kaidan sped up his hand, getting them off and just when he felt the warm tingle spread, he upped the current one last time in a powerful blue flash as he climaxed.

It was long minutes before he could muster the energy to move off Shepard at all. ”Give me that hand,” He said, taking Shepard's injured hand. Kaidan laughed, ”We have to wrap that up in something.”

”Yeah I know.” Shepard chuckled breathlessly.

Kaidan kissed the injury and turned his head, looking at Shepard. ”Funny, it's like you never left.”

”I never really did.” Shepard said with a little smile. ”There was only ever you.”

Kaidan turned his head and looked up into the ceiling. ”Strange feeling that, knowing that you're home, but still miles away.”

”I hear you.” Shepard agreed. ”But we got each other now, that's all that matters to me.”

”Yeah that's important too.” Kaidan grinned slightly and turned his head kissing Shepard's cheek.

-*-

It was some long months with hiding, dodging crewmembers and cameras. Quick fucks in the cargo bay. Not that any of them complained, they had known this when they started, they had both known what they had walked into. And none of them cared about the obstacles, they'd get around those, they always had.

THE END