Chapter Text
Staring at the Sun
Chapter 28
Ray was enjoying the darkness, it was the most quiet his mind had been in as long as he could remember. There were no choices to be made, he didn’t have to fight to remember something or try and forget anything, and it was peace and stillness. Maybe he could just stay here where he wasn’t a threat to his friends, haunted by his past, unsure of what to choose and lost all the time. In the darkness he didn’t have to keep fighting, he didn’t have to keep getting hurt, he was so tired of thinking he was happy only for something to tear it away and leave him hollow again. But even as he floated in this calm dark space, mind empty, he felt tendrils of memory crawl over him. Some were warm and familiar, he almost wanted to reach out to them let them slide through his fingers but others were cold and scared him trying to bind him, to drag him towards a place he didn’t want to go.
Ray knew he couldn’t stay here, he had to wake up and face the world, but what if he was going berserk again and people got killed, what if Mick had left him tired of him bringing nothing but fear and worry into his life, what if Lex hated him for being curious about the Legends and his place with them and what if he woke up with no memory of anything again. He felt those memories stirring around him, the last few weeks and everything he’d achieved and his relationship with Lex. But also the last few years had come back in patches, he remembered missions and life with the Legends, though was pretty sure he’d not got all the memory back. He remembered being with Mick, they’d finally got together but he wasn’t sure when or why. Had they been together long, where they serious or where they even still together.
Everything between being 10 years old and being recruited by Rip was back, clear as day he could remember his life as CEO of Palmer Tech, to being on Team Arrow, the explosion, being Damien Darhk’s prisoner and going for advice about joining the Legends from Oliver. He was pretty sure he’d faced Darhk again, he had a clear memory of a sword fight in the snow and a less clear memory of what came next or a battle on a war field. Any memory before 10 was weird, things he knew for sure about his childhood were still there but everything else was like watching a movie wearing green tinted glasses. There was a boy he didn’t know being tortured and experimented on and Ray knew he didn’t want to see this.
He felt those icy tendrils wrap around his wrist as he saw his parents cut into the child as he screamed and Ray’s stomach dropped his blood running cold. He didn’t want to remember this, these memories hurt and twisted him, he wanted to leave them behind as the tendrils started to pull him back through the darkness towards a green light. Ray wanted nothing to do with this light, he wanted to go forward towards the small bright light in the other direction. Ray remembered that he was strong, he’d been training with Kara to control his strength but he should have enough to break free to climb out of the nightmare he was being dragged to. He got a sudden vivid image of watching his arm burn and with a panicked shout pulled with all his might feeling the tendrils rip.
The minute he had he desperately tried to crawl towards the warm light feeling the ice behind him snap at his ankle but the warm tendrils guiding him, caressed his face with love and reassurance. He had to go and face the real world but he knew something, someone important was waiting for him, someone that would help chase the nightmares away but at the moment he wasn’t totally sure who as the faces of both Mick and Lex swam into memory. Ray had only known Lex a short time but he was quickly becoming his world, his friend, his partner and the person who knew and understood him best but was this feeling romantic he couldn’t tell. Mick felt like romance like he was supposed to be together with the man but he couldn’t remember much about the relationship of how they even fit.
Ray was torn should he go to the man that was there for him, who shares his interest and passions, his intelligence and ideals. Should he nurture this relationship with Lex and see where it leads and maybe see if it is a romantic relationship, give it the extra time to really take flight. Or should Ray go to the man he felt warm and reassured by, the man he clearly has romantic feelings for but doesn’t seem to share any of his interests or goals, who he barely remembers even though they’ve been Legends for 2 years. Ray would have to face that choice when he woke up and hope he remembered enough to make the right decision. Just as he got to the light, to the warm sunlit glow he paused suddenly unsure and a little afraid of what he’d be waking up to. This was when the icy tendrils grabbed at him, crawling over flesh and tightening their grasp. Ray struggled as a warm tendril tried to wrap around his wrist and pull him forward. Ray thrashed and panicked, he screamed into the darkness as he felt grief and pain mix with joy and tenderness.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Sara paced the bridge, Kara was due any minute and she wanted to be calm and composed. It had been and awkward conversation that had started with the line “don’t panic but” and then she had explained everything watching Kara grow more agitated. Sara had tried to make Kara understand that technically this earths Lex hadn’t done anything wrong he was just being well obnoxious and possessive of Ray but Kara had said this was how it had started for her cousin and Lex. Kara had agreed not to do anything to Lex unless they had proof but wanted to been there just in case, she wanted to be there for Ray when he woke up.
Sara appreciated Kara’s words and the sisterly bond she was sharing with Ray, Ray needed that feeling of positive family and she hoped he would be willing to go with the Girl of Steel and find out about himself. Kara was more than happy to take Ray to her earth, especially if it meant getting him away from Lex. So now she awaited her arrival and hoped Ray woke up soon. Amaya and Nate had arrived back and been fully briefed so were now in the med bay. They too were not convinced by Lex and maybe they all have too much experience dealing with the likes of Thawne as Amaya said Lex smelled like a villain. Whether this was true and her animal powers meant she could literally smell villain or a figure of speech they’d all agreed some distance between him and Ray was a good idea.
The sound of a breach opening up resonated in the bridge and in a mere moment Kara was standing on the bridge smiling at Sara but not quite able to hide the concern on her positive features.
“How is he?” Kara asked.
“Stable we think, he’s in the med bay unconscious. Gideon says he’s healing and once again no physical damage but as for mental and what state his memory is in well…” Sara drifted off the reality starting to weigh on her.
“Sara don’t worry we’ll figure this out, my team is ready and plus we have a telepathic Martian on our side, if anyone can help Ray regain his memories its J’onn. I just wish I’d been here, I’m so sorry I could have got him away from Lex, I could have brought him to my team sooner. I let him down.” Kara said apologetically.
“Wasn’t your fault an alien went on a rampage through your city, you have your own world to look out for we should have found him sooner, I let him down, I’m the Captain it was my responsibility” Sara said.
“My turn to correct you and I suppose there is no point playing the blame game, so let’s go see our boy ok” Kara said a reassuring smile on her face that made Sara feel her confidence come back.
Sara led Kara to the med bay where the Legends were perched on chairs that had been dragged into the room. Amaya and Nate looked worried and tense but Mick looked even more crushed. He didn’t even acknowledge her arrival like the others just sat hunched over staring at his boyfriend his face a mix of anger and sadness.
“Hey guys” Kara said trying to keep the mood light and getting herself prepared for one of Mick’s death glares.
“Um Mick, I’m so sorry I wish I’d been here sooner” Kara said.
“What you apologising for, not like you scrambled Haircuts mind!” Mick said out gruffly still not taking his eyes off Ray.
“No but well...” Kara began.
“Look skirt the Captain says that you can take Haircut to your earth got people that can help with memory plus it gets him away from that well-dressed prick. Can I count on you for that” Mick said finally turning to look at her his eye steely with resolve.
“Yes Mick you can” Kara said with confidence meeting his intense gaze.
“Then were good, so let’s get going!” Mick said the anger still in his voice but Kara could here the worry it was trying to mask.
“Mick we have to wait for Ray to wake up, we have to let this be his decision. If he still has no memory he’s gonna think we just kidnapped him and that won’t help us build any trust” Sara said trying to sound reasonable.
“Don’t care, once he remembers Haircut will forgive us” Mick said his voice getting low.
“We said we’d let him choose and that he could talk to Lex before he made any decisions” Sara said and she could feel the heat off Mick as his eye’s narrowed.
“What wait your gonna let him go back to see Lex!” Kara said looking concerned and her own anger creeping in.
“I know Kara but this isn’t your Lex, all the bad he’s done this Lex hasn’t, yeah he’s shifty and I don’t trust him but we only got Ray back to the Waverider without incident because we promised Lex could see Ray again. I have no doubt Ray will choose going with you but can you honestly say it will sit well with your conscious to just take him without his consent” Sara said and say Kara relax.
“No, I know your right but there is so much history with Lex can’t help it cloud my judgement a bit” Kara said still looking a little torn by the decision.
It was then that they heard the moan from Ray as all eye’s snapped back to the unconscious man. Everyone was on their feet’s as they watched Ray’s brow crease and then start to writhe.
“Oh god he’s going to have a seizure or go wild again, how do we stop it” Nate said a little panicked.
“Let me” Kara said as she gently held Rays shoulders and tried to keep him from thrashing wildly.
“There is no sign of physical distress or a seizure Miss Danvers, it looks like he is have a particularly bad nightmare” Gideon informed them.
“Ok so we just wait it out, he’s strong but I can keep him still so he doesn’t hurt himself or anyone else and well let’s hope if he blasts his beams they won’t be strong enough to push me off” Kara said looking determinedly at Ray. “Come on Ray wake up ok” she said in a small voice.
Ray thrashed helplessly moaning as if he was in pain as the team watched not able to do anything, Mick was looking sick before he finally composed his features and put a gentle hand on Ray’s cheek.
“Come on Haircut, just open your eyes, just wake up!” Mick said in a rare tender voice he didn’t normally like others to hear. But it did nothing so he went back to default.
“Come on Haircut, wake that lazy arse up, stop getting kicked about by dreams and wake the hell up or I’m gonna set fire to this bed and that will sure as hell get you out of bed!” Mick growled.
Rays eye’s suddenly opened and while they all braced for the twin beams of crimson none gain. Ray was panting but soon blinked a few times as Kara released her hold and let him sit up gingerly. Everyone was on tender hooks all waiting for the recognition, all hoping that they’d have their Ray back.
“Kara?” Ray’s slightly shaken voice came as he stared at her a little unbelieving.
“Yeah Ray it’s me you ok” Kara replied smiling at the confused man.
But Ray didn’t return the smile his brow was still creased as if he was thinking of something else and then his eye’s shone with unshed tears.
“I really hate the green light” Rays voice was broken and pained and Kara wanted to hold the man tight.
In a split second Mick was sitting on Ray’s bed and pulling the man into an embrace, he pulled Ray tight against his chest one hand on his back and the other on the back of Rays head.
“Let go Haircut!” Mick said and the floodgate opened and Ray began to sob.
Ray cried into Mick’s shoulder with his hands knotted in fabric of Micks shirt, his cries were filled with pain and none of the Legends had ever seen or heard their friend so distraught. With a horrible feeling Sara came to the conclusion that Ray may have got his memories back and that meant his lost childhood. The thought sickened her as she came to sit on the other side of the bed Kara stepping back to make room for her. She placed a hand on Rays shoulder and one over the balled fist and she too felt tears in her eyes. The room was silent but for the sobbing of Ray as he slowly began to calm himself and relax.
“Ray its ok we got you” Sara’s calm voice came out a little cracked as she wiped her own eyes.
Ray started to pull out of the embrace his face red and his eye’s still shedding silent tears. He looked at Mick whose face was like stone not betraying any of the thoughts that must be fighting beneath the surface.
“Mick?” Ray croaked out voice horse and Ray from crying.
“Yeah Haircut, it’s me” Mick said and a little of that hope returned to Micks eye’s
Ray then turned to Sara and was about to say something when he took in the room he was in and flinched.
“I don’t want to be in a lab, I need to be somewhere else” there was panic in Ray’s voice.
Ray was suddenly standing up looking uncomfortable and frightened as he made a beeline for the door and out in the corridor. He was whispering a mantra that was a little incoherent.
“Steel walls, no window, the cold knives, hum of equipment, the taste of technology in the air, everything is grey and smooth, monitors beep, the walls close in, don’t go to the light it only hurts, why can’t I leave have to leave before it hurts. Don’t want them looking down at me eye’s cold and calculating”
Ray continue to talk as he started to jog down the corridors fear lacing his words and everyone could do nothing but give chase. Soon Ray was standing on the bridge looking out of the large windows as the sun began to rise for dawn. No one wanted to interrupt him as he gazed at the sky and closed his eyes letting the morning light wash over him there was pause in the air, everyone holding their breaths before Ray turned and smiled.
“Sorry guys was feeling a little claustrophobic” Ray said in his usual positive voice.
“So yeah you remember us?” Sara asked feeling relieved.
“Yep Sara I remember you” He replied.
“What about me buddy and Amaya?” Nate said the joy in his voice evident along with the slight bouncing.
“Yes Nate you too and Amaya” He said smiling at them both before finally turning to Mick.
“I remember you too Mick and thanks for just now I needed that” Ray said smiling but Mick just stood not saying anything.
“I can’t believe how relieved I am to see you buddy, bro hug!” Nate said bounding over but Ray looked at him quizzically. “Um Ray?” Nate said back arms outstretched awkwardly as he stood there.
“Yeah I remember mostly, it’s a bit patchy. I remember missions just not all the details, I remember you guys just not exactly how we met or how much of friends we are. Don’t panic I get a feeling like were friends but not 100% on the details, I’m hoping Lex will help with that” Ray said his voice light but there was a visible flinch from nearly everyone in the room.
“Um guys what’s wrong and why are you looking at me like I just said something really bad” Ray said.
“Ray we were hoping with your memories back you’d want to stay with us, plus Kara was going to take you to her Earth so you could hear from your birth parents, didn’t you want to do that” Sara said trying to keep control of the conflict of emotions.
Realisation dawned on Ray’s face as he looked at Kara.
“Yes, yes I want to do that gets answers, get closure see a family that would have loved me, oh good I need to get better control of my powers and Kara you said your team might be able to remove the chip, sorry it’s still coming back to me” Ray blurted out all at once.
“Slow down Ray, take a breath and yes we’re ready, my team and I to do all those things we can go whenever you feel ready” Kara said as if she was talking to an animal that was extremely flighty.
“I have to tell Lex, I made him a promise but I’m sure he’ll understand and once I’m all good I can go back and finish the research we started” Ray started to babble.
“No!” came the sudden outburst from Mick and everyone turned to stare at the man.
“Um Mick, I made a promise I have to finish what I started you understand that” Ray said but he looked confused.
“What about the promise you made to me, I’m not letting some egotistical prick just steal you from right under my nose” Mick said voice angry and his expression dark.
“Mick…why, why does it feel wrong. I don’t remember a promise to you, I don’t remember why I should stay with you but it feels wrong to leave, why shouldn’t I go back to Lex?” Ray asked his expression looked lost and hurt and he was genuinely asking Mick to give him a reason to stay.
“Haircut stop being stupid, just snap out of it. I’m not letting you go back to that man” Mick practically roared.
“Then give me a reason to stay or let me go, I don’t like being trapped, forced to do things on other people whims. My parents did that, they took away my choice oh god I remember burnt flesh, did they really do that!” Ray said suddenly grabbing his arm and looking at it with alarm.
“Ray stay calm you’re ok, I promise I’m going to help you but try and focus on the present not the past” Kara said stepping forward ready to intervene.
“I think I’m scared of fire, I remember the feeling, the smell of burning flesh the heat and pain” Ray said voice getting lower as he started to withdraw into himself.
Mick stepped forward, he’d shed his jacket and was rolling up his sleeve to reveal his scarred arm and thrust it for Ray to see.
“Me too Haircut, I know what it feels like to be burnt and I promised I’d never let anyone hurt you and you’d not turn out a monster like me” Mick said.
“You’re not a monster, I promised I’d never think of you that way” Ray said his voice small and confused.
“Tell him Mick” Sara said and Amaya was nodding in agreement.
“Tel me what Mick?” Ray asked looking far too innocent for a man whose past was starting to come back and haunt him.
Mick was scared, he didn’t want the demons of Ray’s past to come back and consume him, he could see it there lying beneath the skin ready to take away the man he loved into the darkness.
“It’s not the time” Mick snapped before adding, “Go with Skirt these nightmares are gonna haunt you like mine haunt me if you don’t find a way to deal with them, you need this Ray more than you need me” Mick said and started to walk back looking defeated and heart broken.
“No!” this time it was Ray’s turn to yell. “No I do need you I just don’t remember why but Lex needs me too and I remember why, he needs me to help change the world, the betterment of mankind, to make me feel important and wanted” Ray shouted looking angry and confused.
“Then maybe you should go be with him, I don’t give a rat’s arse about saving the world or the fate of mankind. There is only one person I want saved and that’s you, you idiot!” Mick spat out but he was angry and hurt and couldn’t control his emotions anymore.
“Your the biggest idiot I ever met but you saved me in so many ways and now I have to be noble and let you waltz back to some smug git, Damn it Haircut what do you want from me, I can’t even give you a fraction of what he can and all I want to do is go over there and set fire to his place” Mick was panting now physically shaking with anger.
No one wanted to intervene, they knew this was a personal scene but they couldn’t interrupt each one feeling like an intruder, each one mentally telling Ray he was mistaken about Lex and wishing that Mick would just be open about his feelings.
“Why Mick!” Ray shouted looking nearly as dangerous as Mick did.
“Because I’m in love with you Ray!” Mick shouted back before all the colour drained from his face and his eye’s held panic. This was not how he’d planned to tell Ray, not out of anger, hurt or jealousy and he was shaken.
Ray’s anger left immediately and the tension left the room, he no longer looked confused or scared. A smile broke out on Rays face as he beamed at Mick looking every bit the over grown puppy he could be. Mick didn’t know what to think but all he knew was Ray was looking at him with that gaze full of devotion and wonder and it made his heart skip a beat
“You could have just said” Ray said with a smirk.
“Oh don’t you dare Haircut” Mick grumbled slowly turning a shade of red as he noticed the smirks on his team mates faces, “what are you all staring at!”.
“Mick, I may not remember everything about us but what you said is one the realist things I feel. Your right I need to go with Kara get my memories in order. I need to go explain to Lex why I have to leave and why I have to break that promise” Ray said and Micks eye’s widened.
“Yeah I just feel like I owe us that, so once I get my memories back how about you tell me again and I promise I will give you a proper response, though maybe not in front of the whole team” Ray finished looking a lot more relaxed and focused.
Everyone else was smiling and Nate appeared to be wiping a tear away while whispering to Amaya, “most romantic thing I’ve ever seen”.
“Ok guys time to get back on track, Kara let your team know Ray is heading back with you, Ray do you want anyone with you when you talk to Lex.” Sara asked.
“No I have to do this, I just need to grab some stuff and then I’ll meet back here. Mick you better get anything you need for the trip too” Ray said with such nonchalance Mick almost missed it.
“What wait Haircut, you want me to come with you?” Mick said a little surprised.
“Yeah I thought that be a given, I’m going to get closure and sort out my memories and I’m pretty sure having the boyfriend I only half remember with me is the done thing” Ray said smiling before continuing.
“What you said jogged a memory, I don’t know how or why we started but I know we are, were, can still be dating, it’s confusing. I care about you and that being separated from you hurts, this is very different to the way I feel about Lex and it feels wrong to go with Kara and not have you there, if that’s ok?” Ray asked.
“Yeah Haircut I can deal with that but if Lex does anything I am going to be over there to punch his lights out” Mick said but a smirk beginning to from on his face.
For the first time in ages things were starting to come together.