Chapter Text
Staring at the Sun
Chapter 34
Ray woke to find his hand in Micks while he was slumped asleep in a chair and they both appeared to be in the medical bay of the DEO. He let out a sigh and stared at the ceiling as disappointment settled in. What had he done now, who had he hurt and how was he going to apologise to Mick for worrying him yet again. Ray just felt the guilt wash over him, he hadn’t even made it a whole day on this is earth without messing up, without letting something get to him and him jeopardizing the people trying to help him. He felt the dull ache in his eyes as frustration at himself and his inability to keep himself together began to build.
“Stop feeling guilty Haircut” Mick said and Ray felt his hand being squeezed but he refused to look at Mick who was now stirring and kept his eyes on the ceiling. Ray didn’t feel like he deserved Mick’s reassurance.
“Now you’re just being an idiot, no one got hurt. The only person who was in any danger was yourself, you scared the crap out of me Ray” Mick said allowing genuine concern in to his voice.
At the use of his name rather than his nick name Ray realised that whatever had happened had been serious and Mick was truly worried about him. Ray couldn’t deny Mick the comfort he sought, he clearly needed reassurance that Ray was ok.
“I’m sorry Mick, I don’t know what happened but I am so sorry to make you worry” Ray began but was quickly cut off.
“Don’t need a damn apology Haircut, though glad your back to being your usual stupid self” Mick said a little gruffer than he probably meant so added.
“I found you half frozen to death and no idea how or why, team alien said something about temp powers and dodgy wiring in your head but I don’t care about any of that. I let you down, I wasn’t there to stop it happening in the first place” Mick said and Ray cold hear the guilt in his voice.
Weren’t they a pair both feeling guilty, both blaming themselves for worrying the other, not being strong enough or good enough to keep the other from fear and concern.
“Mick you weren’t to know, you can’t stop everything from happening or be there all the time. I need to start processing what’s happened to me” Ray said as he sat up and turned to look at Mick.
Ray put a hand on Mick’s check and gave a small smile hoping to relieve the other man of his guilt. This was his stupid issues, why did Mick have to keep getting hurt too. As Mick used his other hand to cover Rays and look at him he said,
“Haircut, I’m not just your boyfriend cause I think your hot, I want to be a better man for you and that means sharing this stuff. I know I don’t talk about me a lot but I’m trying” Mick sighed closed his eyes and then stilled himself.
“I heard something fall in the bathroom, you were covered in frost, the air was cold and things were freezing over. I thought you were going into hypothermic shock, I tried to keep you awake, and you were so cold to touch. For a brief moment I remembered Len and the cold gun and that made the feeling worse. Once here they were able to stop whatever was going on. Skirt has ice breath so figured you might too but I don’t know, something about the chip and things in your head having power connections means it not a regular power. I was scared, scared of losing you, not being able to help you and not understanding any of this crap. But I’m gonna keep trying ok Haircut. Big green may be able to help you but that’s something you need to discuss just stop feeling guilty and I promise to keep letting you know how I feel so we can work through it” Mick said and he looked a little surprised by just how many words had come out.
Ray’s smile became a little warmer, a little more genuine as he felt the love and affection from Mick wash over him. Mick was in this with him, yeah he was going to get scared and concerned but he wasn’t gonna run from those feelings. It was Rays turn to take a breath and still himself as he took his hands back from Mick putting them both in his lap. What he was going to talk about freaked him out and he held onto the sheet of the bed.
“When I was in the shower I was fine for a bit but then the realisation of being in a small metal confined room hit me. I think I’m claustrophobic now and not dealing with it well. I was fine when you were in the room but once alone those grey steel walls started closing in.” Ray said and Mick nodded saying he’d gathered that and that he shouldn’t have ever left him alone in the shower.
“Yeah but I had also just needed a little bit of processing space but we both acknowledge it’s a problem now so we can work on it together. The issue is where the fear comes from” Ray said given a little shake and trying to stay focused.
“When I was a child I remembered hiding in the shower, I thought that if I was in there longer I wouldn’t have to go be experimented on. You saw my old bedroom, it was a steel prison room essentially. I also have a memory of a maze and actual steel walls closing in on me. I hate the sensations and the connotation of steel rooms. I feel small and powerless and go back to being a child. Its better when your there but don’t want to use you as a crutch. My parents did some horrific things to me and I hate the things I can now remember but most of all I hate how they make me feel, like a powerless child with no way to fight back.” Ray finished and he felt the tears come for real.
Ray felt the shift of the bed as Mick came to sit on it, he felt strong arms wrap around him and hold him tight making his world feel safe. He let himself be held as if he was a small boy in need of comfort but in truth this was all he wanted from the world right now.
“One day Haircut I am going to kill those people” There was a slight dangerous tone in Micks voice, the man clearly angry but it wasn’t at Ray, it was at his parents for hurting him and Mick wasn’t going to abide that.
“Mick were supposed to be heroes remember” Ray said in a croaked voice.
“I don’t think there is a person we know that will try and stop me, they made the mistake of hurting the man I love so they better be damn prepared for a day when I make sure they regret laying a hand on you” Mick said determinedly pulling Ray closer to him.
Ray’s heart skipped another beat at the declaration of love and new that with Mick beside him he was going to bounce back from this. It wasn’t going to be easy but Mick loved him and he wanted to be able to return the feeling as soon as possible. Ray stilled wiping the tears from his face as Mick relaxed his hold on him a bit.
“Um Mick, who or what is big green?” Ray asked.
“Ah yeah more weird alien shit but the big boss is from Mars and apparently a mind reader” Mick said as if that was a normal thing to say and Ray supposed for time travellers it wasn’t the weirdest piece of news.
“Ok and um what’s wrong with my brain and why do I have temp powers?” Ray asked.
“Haircut, do you really think I understood half of that conversation. I’ll called the nerd squad in and they can fill in the gaps ok” Mick said but there was lightness to his voice.
Ray watched as Mick went to the door of the med bay and shouted at the first DEO employee he saw that they needed to see the ‘Alien squad and their nerds’. Ray supposed that after the affection and display of raw feeling and emotion Mick had to at least act tough and scary with those that didn’t know him. The poor lab tech look scared like he was about to get a punch in the face because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Mick looked pleased with himself still being able to intimidate people and came back to sit on Ray’s bed with an approving smirk on his face.
“Did you need to make that sound like a threat rather than a request?” Ray asked smirking knowing full well that Mick was gonna always be Mick.
“Absolutely” Mick replied as he nudge Ray so that they were sitting side by side on the bed so that Mick could throw an arm over Ray’s shoulders.
The bed wasn’t made for two grown men so Mick had one leg sticking out to the side resting on his abandoned chair. Ray was practically in Micks lap but he recognised it for what it was, Mick was being super protective as if his body could physically shield Ray from anything including words that Mick didn’t like. There was no way Mick was letting the team here do or say anything that might upset Ray and he wanted them to know it.
Kara was the first into the room looking positive and cheerful obviously wanting to reassure Ray and keep the mood light and friendly. Alex, Winn and J’onn followed all trying to look relaxed but they all knew something serious was about to be discussed. Alex looked at them with a fondness of someone who would probably be doing the same thing if it was her girlfriend in med bay, Winn looked a little jealous but intent on doing the best to help them and J’onn looked at Mick with a ‘really, you don’t have to alpha dog here’ and a slightly amused smirk of someone who with age came wisdom.
“Morning guys, I know yesterday wasn’t how any of us wanted it to go. Ray I’m sorry that a new power came out like that but I am glad you’re ok and well look bagels” Kara piped up holding out the bag and smiling.
Ray felt Mick reluctantly let go of him and slide off the bed to retrieve breakfast, he was suddenly aware of how hungry he was. Mick brought the bag over allowing Ray to pull out a bagel before settling in the chair and giving Ray some space to eat. Ray could see Mick eyeing the team, a glare ready to strike if they said anything that may upset Ray. Ray was just happy to eat and thanked Kara before devouring his bagel.
“Ray I know things are tough and I’ve been filled in on what happened but I think it’s time we made some firm choices on next steps” Kara said and each member of her team looked a little solemn as they took a seat around the room. Winn and Alex were getting up scans and data and Ray knew he was going to find out some truths.
The two DEO agents took turns explaining what they had discovered, they talked about the neural net and that while it was rendered completely inert there was no way of removing it as it was too intertwined with Rays brain. This also led onto the news that some of the damage, if it could be called that, was permanent. The pathways, connections and synapsis needed for some of his powers to be fully used just never developed and most likely wouldn’t. Certain powers would never manifest and a few could only be pulled off occasionally because he didn’t have the right make up to store the required power. There was as strong possibility that all the years of the chip blocking his ability to absorb sun light meant that his body’s ability to store the energy was compromised.
If Ray was without sunlight for long periods of time he would see a dip in his strength and abilities. Getting the chip out for good could correct this a little but he would never be able to absorb the same amount of light as Kara. Ray was trying to listen with a scientific mind and not let this news affect him. But at the same time it did hurt a little to know that some of your potential had been stripped away for good. Winn explained that they could test to see the rate of absorption so he would have a good idea of how often he’d need to recharge in sunlight and then offered to see if they could put a solar absorption device into the Atom suit. Ray perked up at this eye’s meeting the other scientists.
“That’s brilliant Winn, like solar panels for the atom suit, backup power if I myself am running low” Ray said beaming.
Ray didn’t notice the way Winn blushed and Mick would have given him a death glare if he hadn’t just suggested something that made Ray happy and given him something positive to work on.
“Ray the next choices are yours to make, we can remove the chip first or we can deal with your memories first” Kara said voice tender but also carrying the weight of the choice.
“How exactly can you help with the memories? Does this have something to do with you being a telepath from Mars?” Ray asked now turning to J’onn.
The leader of the DEO smiled and then phased into his true form causing Ray’s eye’s to widen.
“I am indeed a Martian, a Green Martian and we do have advanced telepathic powers. I will say that it is not in my nature to mess with people minds, altering a mind is considered a violation but if you think it will help, I can indeed go into your mind and block the memories. I know it’s a lot to take in so don’t feel like you have to answer right away” J’onn explained.
Ray just looked at him, could it be that simple just block out the bad memories, no longer have to be afraid of grey walls or that urge to cut himself to see if he still felt pain. Was that too neat a solution, would he still be him without those memories or would he be able to go back to who he really was?
"I don't know what the right answer is” Ray said honestly.
“Ray Palmer you have been through things no one can imagine, I don’t take your pain and you past lightly. I would not offer this unless I thought that it seems an unfair cruelty to have to live with what you have been through but I also know your experiences make you who you are. It is up to you to decide whether there is strength or weakness in your past and if you can move beyond those memories” J’onn said with conviction but also understanding.
Ray didn’t know, he honestly didn’t know, at first he would have jumped at the chance to block all his childhood out but now it felt like cheating. It felt like a test, he wanted to prove he was better than his parents, stronger and to do that he had to overcome this the right way. He looked at Mick, Mick had overcome horrors from his childhood. Mick had mental and physical scars that plagued him to this day but he was still able to grow past them, still able to love Ray, become a Legend and a hero, shouldn’t Ray strive for the same thing.
“Haircut this is your choice, no matter what you decide I stand by it. If I had the chance to forget some of my trauma I’d probably take it truth be told” Mick said.
“Yeah but then you wouldn’t be you. You wouldn’t have made the same choices in life, maybe never have been Heatwave, joined the Legends and we wouldn’t have met” Ray said looking at Mick with pleading eyes.
“Yeah well, I don’t get a choice in what I remember as a kid it’s done and I am already the man I’m supposed to be so I suppose I have to be thankful those choices led me to you. But Haircut you were already the man you were supposed to be when your memory came back.” Mick said meeting Ray’s confused gaze.
“Ray the truth is while your childhood trauma haunts you things are likely to go wrong. I hate to say it but without that trauma last night wouldn’t have happened. If you can save yourself that kind of pain isn’t that worth it” Alex said earning herself a glare from Mick but also a nod of gratitude that she had given Ray the thing he wanted to say to him but couldn’t cause it would sound selfish coming from him.
“I know that, this is just confusing. If I didn’t have flashbacks to my childhood I wouldn’t be a danger to anyone. I could learn to control my powers and not freak out at the colour green or grey walls but also would I always feel like I cheated, like instead of being brave and facing my problems I just hid them away, sealed them up. That’s not something one does if they want to grow as a person” Ray said looking at the group his face a picture of confliction.
“As J’onn said you don’t have to decide right now, take some time. Kl-El will be here in a day or two maybe talk to him, go to the fortress of solitude find some solace in your heritage Ray” Kara said looking at him earnestly concern etched on her face as she could see the pain on his.
“I want that more than anything and I have a feeling things will get worse before they get better especially since I think we should take the chip out first” Ray said looking determined.
“Are you sure?” Alex and Winn asked, “With the chip gone there is a good chance all your memories will come back” Alex continued.
“Yeah I am sure, if I am going to seal the bad ones away I want to know for sure what I am losing and if I don’t, I want to know if I am strong enough to move past them. Plus if everything comes back I also have all my time with the Legends and everything me and Mick have shared. I want everything before I make a choice about losing some of it.” Ray said looking determined.
“Haircut you sure, I’ve seen things that I am not sure I’ll ever move past. I burnt down you flipping house because of what I saw there. Getting some memories back of us isn’t worth all he horror that can come with it” Mick said worry in his voice.
“Getting us back is worth anything else that comes with it. I’ stronger when you’re around and I’m sick of being on the edge. I’m tired of thinking I may love you or am nearly happy. If I’m gonna deal with my childhood then I want my present secure, I want my future with you” Ray finished forgetting a little that there was an audience for this conversation.
A little cough came from Kara who was looking at them like some romance novel and Mick just glared and turned to stare at anything but team Team Supergirl. Winn was looking a little love struck, like he’d heard the most beautiful thing and Alex looked resolved.
“Ok Ray, we will take the chip out first. You’re not going to like some of what we have to do but I respect your choice. Take some time while I prep and myself and Winn will fill you in so your clued in on everything that needs to be done” Alex said her professional demeanour taking control but also giving Ray a sense resolve.
Ray watched as Alex and Winn got to work, bringing in scans and making sure they were connected to monitors. They obviously wanted to be super ready for what was to come making sure they had everything at hand. Kara approached Ray a smile on her lips but also a look of concern.
“Ray I’m not really sure what to say to keep you reassured but please trust us, I promise you, I promise both of you that nothing is going to happen to you” Kara reassured making sure she addressed Mick too. She then set her face into a determined look.
“Ok what they are going to do is shut off all the light from this room and expose you to light from a red sun. This is something that doesn’t trigger our powers and therefore leaves us vulnerable. The thought of using kryptonite did cross our minds but after everything you’ve been through it just seemed too cruel, this way is slower but I think less traumatic.” Kara explained.
“Thanks Kara and I appreciate it, not sure how I’d react to seeing kryptonite but if there isn’t a choice and you need to weaken me you have my permission to use it” Ray said looking earnestly at her.
“We’ll keep that in mind but we think we have a way to make sure your body and mind are at rest while this all goes on so if that bridge comes up you won’t be aware kryptonite is near you. Obviously I can’t be around for the surgery but the minute we can expose you to sunlight again I’ll be here. As for what were gonna use to keep you calm, well we are going to use an extract of a parasitic plant called Black Mercy” Kara started to explain but was aware that Mick had tensed up.
“Say that again Skirt, cause it sounds a lot like you got some alien parasite and you want to use it on Haircut here” his tone measured but disproving.
“I promise Mick it’s not a threat, Alex managed to synthesis some of its affects so that if they ever needed to do surgery on me it could act as a pain killer and relaxant. It’s been tested there is nothing to worry about I promise” Kara reassured but Mick wasn’t relaxing at all about this piece of information.
“What exactly will it do?” he growled a little looking at her with suspicion.
“Once you take it Ray it will induce a dream like coma, essentially it will put you in a dream like state based around a perfect memory or fantasy. While this goes on it should weaken you a bit but the lack on direct yellow sun will do the rest of the work so that your body can be operated on.” Kara said looking between the two men.
“Sounds pleasant, so while you cut the chip out I’ll essentially be having a very nice dream. What’s not to love about that idea?” Ray said smiling his optimism and hope shining through.
“Yeah because I trust an alien plant to give you only good dreams. Not sure I’m down with this Haircut. Your track record for good dreams when unconscious isn’t great plus it sound like you’re getting plant LSD and that must have side effects” Mick continued concern in his gruff voice.
“This is the best way, the only other way is to expose Ray to kryptonite until the point he’s passes out keeping him in a drained and weaken state with no idea what his unconscious mind will do. Sorry Ray but I can’t risk that, for your sake and my people here” Kara said.
“I understand Kara and don’t worry I am good with this plan. Mick I know how much you care but being overprotective now isn’t gonna get us anywhere so please let me do this” Ray said puppy dog eyes looking at Mick imploringly.
“Not my place to tell you what you can and can’t do, I said I’d stand by your choice but not gonna stop worrying about you” Mick said looking huffy but accepting that this was the better option.
“Kara when it’s done will I just wake up?” Ray asked.
“Yep the effects of the drug should where off and you will wake up naturally” Kara replied.
Ray hadn’t noticed that the rooms lighting had changed it was darker and all natural light had been shut off and the artificial light of the room glowed.
“Ok Ray were gonna switch to red light now and were gonna need you to lie on your stomach ok” Alex said in a professional tone. “Just before though take this, it won’t start affecting you till your body is lower on power but it shouldn’t be long ok” Alex smiled at him as he took the strange black tablet from her and swallowed it.
Ray turned over, he heard Kara saying her good bye and talking to Winn and Alex as they reassured her he was in good hands. He heard Mick shifting uncomfortable not knowing where he should be, clearly refusing to even entertain the idea of leaving Ray’s side but not wanting to be in the way. He recognised Winn’s voice as the man came over and explained that the head rest of the bed was being changed and soon Ray was lying face down looking through the hole on his bed. Winn reassured him some more and in a nervous tone asked Mick to wash up and put on scrubs. Ray smiled as Mick grumbled but did as he was told imagining the look he must be giving. Winn must have also given Mick a job to do cause when he came back over he took Rays hands and started to wipe them with a disinfectant wipe.
“Team nerd wanted to make sure there are no bacteria and thought you’d be more comfortable with me cleaning you up” Mick said a little disgruntled but Ray knew it was mostly for show.
“Not exactly how I pictured a rub down from you” Ray said putting some humour into his voice.
“Hah! I promise when this is all over we can do this again the right way, far less clothes and no audience” Mick said close to Ray’s ear and he blushed glad no one could see his scarlet face.
“They say I can stay and watch the surgery just got to hang back not get in the way unless they need me. Big Green said that I should talk to you while your unconscious will help you stay in a good dream and when it’s time to come back you can just follow the sound of my voice. All mystic mumbo jumbo to me but what do I know about weird alien stuff like this” Mick said but his voice was warm.
“I think you’ll find a lot of truth in my words Mr Rory and Mr Palmer rest well, I too must take my leave and will see you once you have awoken” J’onn said before Ray heard him retreat from the room.
Ray was starting to feel a little more relaxed, aware that a sheet was being put up and a table with instruments was wheeled over to him. He was very glad he didn’t have to see the instruments, Alex and Winn had planned this in a way that there were very few triggers to be witnessed. He allowed his eyes to close and patted on the bed feeling relief when a warm calloused hand found his. This was it, the chip was finally going to be removed, and he was finally going to get everything back. When Ray next woke he would be a new man.