Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Here’s how it works, I have a list of aus…

The list:

1. Floating hearts (You know how on cartoons they’d put hearts on top of someone if they were in love, well this is that only with more than one color) 
2. Mermaids (Connor glows in the dark, Evan can camouflage) 
3. A different musical (It’s supposed to be Legally Blonde, but I changed stuff)
4. Disney (Sans Hunchback of Notre Dame)
5. Soulmates (so long as it isn't the one with the colors, you're fine)
6. Ballet dancer
7. Famous music star and person who doesn’t know them
8. Superhero and vigilante (+An important discussion)
9. Spies (*plays the classic 007 theme*)
10. Apocalypse (Inspired by a work of mine that never saw the light of day)

Those are the only aus I’m going to work with, I might do more than one one-shot per au if I get inspired. If anyone wants an explanation on one I’ll provide it as best as I can.  I'll tell you which au you're reading in the chapter’s summary.

Chapter Text

Connor dragged his feet across the halls of hell… high school, same difference. He kept his eyes glued to the ground uncaring of anyone he clashed against; no one had enough balls to call him out on it anyways; sometimes being the school’s resident psychopath had its benefits.

He only dragged his eyes away from the well-known floor when he heard a familiar voice, he saw Kleinman being ridiculous in front of the only guy at school that was probably more of an outcast than Connor, it wasn’t the first time he found himself staring at Evan Hansen, and it would most likely not be the last. There was something about Evan that resounded with Connor, something that most people would glance over, like they were kindred spirits, that made something in Connor clench, it wasn’t a pretty idea.

Connor had been, admittedly, keeping an eye on Evan, he felt a need to make sure the other was ok, he couldn’t really explain it. Kleinman slips over nothing and fall unceremoniously to the ground, and there’s a beat before Evan’s whole being morphs into laughter, bright and soft and real; Connor feels something escape him and looks up, snatching the heart out of the air, then looking around to check that no one saw that, before running for the closest bathroom.

Connor knows about the floating hearts, they appear when you have a crush on someone, and represent that person, so people can’t seem to shut up about them; and they are a problem, because they mean that Connor has fallen for Evan Hansen. Evan, who Connor believes to be in the same boat as him, who he’s pretty sure is straight; the boy Connor doesn’t have the guts to talk to.

He looks down to the blue heart in his hands and immediately thinks about Evan Hansen, and his freckled check, and the way his hair gained a golden halo under the sunlight, the way his lips quirked into an awkward grimace whenever Kleinman made an awful joke, or spread into a full grin when Kleinman did something ridiculous, like he had in the hall earlier. Connor finds himself surrounded by more of the blue hearts.

Connor takes his cellphone and does the research, blue means he’s adaptable but volatile all at once, it means he could be salvation or he could drown someone, it means he’s understanding with everyone but himself, patient with everyone but himself, naturally soothing and just as exhilarating. The perfect match for a blue is an orange heart, but they can also be a good match with a yellow or red one.

Connor grabbed all the hearts he can and runs again, to shove them inside his locker, he finishes shutting the door and sees people go out of their classrooms for lunch, Connor heads to the library, Evan often spends his lunch there, Connor only knows because he run out of places to be while avoiding the cafeteria.

He finds Evan at a remote table, nose buried in a book, he has a frustrated look on his face, like he’s been reading the same sentence over an over but can’t get it through his head, Connor watches as he sighs and slumps back on the chair, and has to pluck a few more hearts from above his head, but he isn’t the only one. Three vibrant orange hearts pop above Evan, he grabs them far more gently than Connor does his, and he looks at them in a mixture of resignation and confusion and endearment, and Connor walks off, because his crush likes someone else, someone perfect for him.

{Orange hearts are resourceful, quick to thought, but just as quick to judgement, often referred as bittersweet, they’re brash and spontaneous, but caring and protective. The perfect match for an orange is a blue heart, but they can also be a good match for a violet or green one.} 

Chapter Text

When it comes down to courting, there are two things at play.

The first, and the one they all were raised for, is the harmonization. The harmonization is what happens when two merpeople find their destined mate, merfolk relies heavily on their singing and thus honor these unions beyond their reproduction success; it’s like a soulmate, you don’t pick who you harmonize with.

The second is the tail, a merperson’s tail is their pride, and an important tool when courting, they are your biggest asset when trying to get someone to sing with you, and they also show how fast you are, which is important when tailing ships, or running away from them, depending on whether the humans to be hunted were informed or no.

Connor is born with a bland pale brown tail, four trail of pearl-like semi-translucent white beads framing it from below his waist all the way to the start of his caudal fin, curving around his other fins; so for the wide majority of his existence he’s been an outcast, the thing is, his tail changes completely during the night, so he makes sure to sleep far from the rest of the frenzy.

During nighttime, when only the hunters are awake, but far out where they can’t see him, Connor glows brightly, the pearl-like  decorations on his scales light up to match his moods, tonight they go through the entire spectrum of cyan.

The other outcast in the frenzy is a young merman named Evan, who can camouflage himself, and thus is marked of as untrusty, but allowed to stay because of the utility of this ability.

They approach each other seeking for companionship, for an ally, and they’ve shared their lives, and their struggles, and now Connor’s going to share his secret with Evan. It’s nerve-wracking, not because he doesn’t trust Evan, but because of the implications that showing off his tail has; but Connor refuses to think about it, and just leads Evan to a dark cave  beneath the coral they call home.

Hs spinous fins make trading through the cave easier for him than for Evan, but they manage, Connor hears a soft gasp from the other merman as soon as they get to the dark part, Connor is glowing a pinkish violet, but in the dim light he can see the look of awe that’s taken over Evan, so it quickly turns full out pink, Evan grins.

“This is beautiful Connor”

His lights, as Connor liked to call them, turned a bright fuchsia, and he knew his face was flushed.

“Why don’t you show this? You would get so many wanting to court you”

But Connor shakes his head, and his lights go purple, and instead of answering he leads Evan back out of the cave, where his emotions aren’t on his sleeve. The sun falls warmly on them, it’s mid-day and there’s singing echoing from merfolk who are finding their other halves.

“I want to show you something too”

Evan has admitted before on using his camouflage constantly because he thinks lowly of his tail, but now the usual bluish platinum he generally uses gives way to a dark metallic blue with black accents, his dorsal fin has white ones instead, and his caudal has both and circular spots of orange, no one could fake such a scale pattern, no, this is what Evan really looks like. Connor thinks him mesmerizing, and suddenly understands why Evan was so appalled with him hiding his tail’s true beauty.

Connor pulls Evan to him, who allows it, and holds him so he can’t look at him, and then he starts singing, softly, tentatively, Evan’s hands tighten on him, and he joins. Their voices meet and intertwine in a single melody, as they serenade each other… they harmonize, and Connor feels himself beaming.

Chapter Text

The world is collapsing on him. And then there’s Connor, bright smile morphing into worried frown the moment his eyes land of Evan, who is a mess.

“What’s wrong?”

Evan shakes his head vehemently, shutting his eyes tightly to cut the tears trying to spill, he swallows loudly, there’s so much he needs to tell Connor.

“Listen”

He tightens his hands into fists.

“This past few days have been a rollercoaster, and I want to thank you, for everything”

He looks away, doesn’t want Connor to see the way he’s crumbling apart as he speaks.

“You’ve made me feel like I could actually be more than… this”

“Why are you saying that?”

Evan doesn’t answer; he won’t be able to keep going if he does.

“And I know I’m a mess, and that I was impossible to deal with, and I’ve made you waste your time on a hopeless case”

“Bullshit!”

Evan feels hands hold onto his shoulders, something desperate in the motion.

“Evan, look at me”

“Arber hit on me”

It comes out in a shout; eyes shut tight like that’ll make the words go away, Connor’s hold on him slacks.

“What?”

“He hit on me, and when I pushed him away he fired me, there’s no reason for me to stay”

He takes the opportunity to pull away, and to cross the rest of the way to his bedroom, closing the door and letting himself melt against it, face hidden on his knees.

“Evan, wait!”

Connor somehow is too late to reach him this time, trapped on the other side of the door, fists against wood.

“Evan, please open the door”

“I’m just… just the boy who tried to follow an impossible fairytale”

“You can’t actually believe that”

He hears what sounds like desperation on Connor’s voice, but it’s probably his own mind playing tricks on him.

“Some people aren’t meant for great things”

There’s shifting on the other side of the door, like Connor is also sitting against it.

“Can I just say that I want you to stay? No, I need you to”

“It’s not up to me… please, just go”

It’s like he’s back at the starting line, no progress made at all.

As he makes his way back into his room, Connor Murphy tries and fails to accept the fact that he’s losing Evan Hansen, and he wishes he were brave enough, or held together enough, to be able to tell him… the words ‘I love you’ lodge themselves on the back of his throat like a stone.

Chapter Text

Connor looks up to the stairs, just in time to see Evan descending in his golden tux, looking every bit like a prince; he gets to where Connor is standing and smiles up to him. Evan tugs on one of Connor’s claws.

“Surely you know how to dance”

“I used to, way back”

He carefully positioned them; Connor was much taller than Evan thanks to the curse, so he took the lead.

“Not many people to practice with?”

Connor huffed in amusement, listening for the start of the music before moving, it started slow, unsure, trying to remember the movements that had once been natural. Evan had more experience, making sure they didn’t collide, and reminding Connor where to go whenever he stopped.

Soon they were gliding along with the music; Evan rests his head on Connor’s chest, and Connor feels warmth course through him, enough to make his heart stutter.

Under the candles’ light they both try to remove themselves from everything but this moment, this instance of peace. Connor has no idea how he managed to get this far, how he convinced Evan to be so close to him in just a few days.

When the song ends he guides Evan to the balcony, and they talk, about the past, about the present; they share secrets and wishes under moonlight.

Connor glances to his side, where Evan is holding onto the balcony’s railing, figure framed by the two lights that are falling on him, half covered in the orange hue of the candles inside, half in the bluish silver of the moon, and he reminds Connor of those paintings that used to hang in the halls, the ones his mom liked so much. Connor looks at Evan in the clashing light, exuding beauty, and realizes he has fallen.

Chapter Text

Connor had no idea why he wore the stupid ring, this morning he had slipped it on without thinking and now he couldn’t get rid of it, which meant he was going to meet the poor soul that had gotten unlucky enough to be tied to him; just his luck.

So now, not only does he have to make it through a day in the hellhole that is his high school, but also has to avoid being anywhere close to a person he doesn’t know; which, you know, Connor avoids people as a rule, so it shouldn’t be that difficult, in theory. Then again, things rarely ever go Connor’s way.

He manages to keep his hands to himself for the most part; that is until Jared fucking Kleinman opens his goddamned mouth. 

“Hey Connor, loving the new hair length! Very school shooter chic”

Connor feels his hands tighten around the handle of his bag.

"I was just...kidding, it was a joke?"

Connor knows he’s physical when mad, he knew he wouldn’t last very long without blowing up, but he tries not to.

“Yeah, no. It was funny. I’m laughing, can’t you tell?”

His hands itch from how tight he's clenching them.

“Am I not laughing hard enough for you?”

Kleinman stumbles back; Connor is relieved when he realizes he's running away.

"You're such a freak"

Connor watches Kleinman leave, and then it happens.

Laughter, only it wasn’t really laughter, more like a high pitched intake of breath that happened to sound like it, and yet Connor whirls towards it with vengeance. The boy in front of him looks like he’s staring at a ghost, or like his life is flashing in front of his eyes, and Connor is a lit fuse.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?”

“What?”

Connor stomps towards him.

“Stop fucking laughing at me”

He can’t stop moving.

"You think I’m a freak?  I’m not the freak.  You’re the fucking freak!”

He goes to push him, or he intends to but his hands does a sharp turn and he loses his balance, and then Connor’s on the ground, on top of the other boy. Connor tries to get up, but his hand is held by a force, and even when he manages to get on his feet the boy’s hand follows him; as the two hands collide, rings meeting, Connor realizes what this means.

He pulls them both to their feet, realizing that the boy has a cast on his other hand; the one that isn’t magnetized to Connor’s. There’s a familiar set of footsteps, and suddenly Zoe appears at his side.

“Oh my god, Evan, are you ok?”

She tries to push Connor away, but the hand follows him, and now their arms are hanging awkwardly where Zoe can see them. The boy, Evan, his name is Evan, moves his hand so he’s holding Connor’s instead of just their knuckles meeting, he has rough and blistered hands, with healing scratches on the fingers, Connor wonders what happened to him.

Zoe blinks at the joined hands, and seems to slowly make sense of what’s happening, Evan has his eyes firmly trained on the ground, Connor clears his throat.

“Do you mind?”

Zoe looks at him, then looks at Evan, who’s turning red, then looks back to Connor.  There’s a pause where she just stares at Connor like she’s hallucinating; then she breathes deeply, like she’s processing.

“Right”

She nods her head and walks away, Connor doesn’t know what to do with any of this, but he still turns back to his soulmate, and it’s really weird to think of the guy like that when Connor barely knows his name. He faintly remembers an Evan; he thinks his surname starts with an H.

“Hansen?”

Evan look up, eyes wide in surprise, like he wasn’t expecting Connor to know him, granted, he’s pretty spot on.

“Evan Hansen, right?”

“Y-yes”

His voice shakes like he’s this close to bursting in tears; Connor knows what a panic attack looks like, and Evan is really close to one.

“Ok, then, come on”

He pulls him along, planning to get out and far from the assholes that frequent the school.

“Where are we going?”

“We’re ditching”

Evan halts, stopping Connor; he’s stronger than he looks.

“W-what about c-class?”

"Hansen do you have any idea what's gonna happen if people see you like this with me?"

Evan swallows loudly, he looks anywhere but at Connor.

"Ok"

"Ok?"

"I'll d-ditch with y-you"

Connor nods to himself and resumes pulling Evan towards the school's main door, Zoe has the keys to the car, so he just heads to the nearby park. They walk without talking for most of the trek, but Evan keeps shifting besides Connor, and he decides to break the silence just so the other doesn’t start hyperventilating.

“How’d you break your arm?”

Evan looks at him startled, but he manages to respond.

“I… f-fell of a tree”

And he gets this dark look that rings a bell to Connor, like he’s seen it before, but different, and he thinks it wasn’t an accident, and he doesn’t know what to make of it.

“Ouch”

And Connor is unsure if Evan can read into the tone he uses, if he knows the way Connor does, but it doesn’t matter because he laughs. It’s short, and more of a chuckle, but it’s real, and it makes his nose wrinkle.

“I think that’s the nicest response I’ve gotten”

Evan is smiling now, bitterly, like something broke between them; and Connor wonders what Evan saw for his mask to slip like this, because this is intentional.

“People are assholes”

This gets another chuckle out of Evan, as he nods shortly in agreement.

The park is pretty much empty when they get there, and they stop, or Evan stops and Connor halts with him, he turns to him to ask what’s going on but can’t… Evan’s face has morphed entirely, like he’s in a trance, his whole body has relaxed, and then he turns to Connor beaming, eyes bright, wide smile on his lips, and Connor feels his heart skip a beat at the sight. Like this, under the direct sunlight, Evan Hansen looks beautiful.

Somehow, they start talking, at first about tiny things, normal things, and then, as the day progresses they hit deeper topics, feelings, worries, fears, and eventually secrets; there’s an exchange of confessions that leaves both of them teary eyed and vulnerable, and when Evan leans into him, Connor holds him like he’s the only thing that’s real.

24 hours means that they’ll be tied to each other until tomorrow; it means that they’ll have to stay together tonight, probably sleep in the same space, that last thought makes Connor flush, but he likes the closeness they’ve developed in this short time. Evan says his mom is working and will arrive late; Connor wants to grab some things, and also show his mom.

“Just so she gets off my back, but it’s your call”

“Ok, I think I can do that”

Connor squeezes his hand in what he hopes is a reassuring way and his heart stutters when Evan gives him a thankful smile. They make it to Connor’s home pretty quickly, and get out just as fast, a brief interaction with Cynthia that has Evan putting his mask back on, and Connor feels his heart clench at how expertly it’s done, a brief moment in Connor’s room as they awkwardly got whatever he needed, and tested just how far the rings would let them be; and then they were gone.

Then there’s Evan’s house, and ordering pizza, and then going upstairs, and trying not to be awkward about sharing a bed. Then, in the morning, there’s meeting Heidi Hansen, being convinced to go to school, if only so Evan doesn’t miss the second day.

Connor feels the moment in which the rings deactivate, and he knows Evan can feel it too, and in a moment of desperation, in which he thinks this is it, that he’ll never see Evan again unless he does something now, even after everything they’ve shared with each other; Connor pulls Evan to him, and does the impulsive thing. He kisses Evan Hansen, right in the middle of the hall, after their rings have stopped acting like magnetic handcuffs, and anyone could see them, but before that thought can stop Connor, Evan kisses him back.

It’s the start of something, of everything, and it’s rushed, and inexperienced, but it’s theirs.

Chapter Text

Evan drummed his fingers on his bag; Jared sat on one of the desks, crossing his arms.

“So”
“I have no idea what to do?”

“Well, who is it?”

Evan looked back down to his backpack.

“It’s not Zoe, Alana gets indigo hearts for her, and yours aren’t”

Evan opens the bag then, filled as it is of the bright orange hearts.

“He’s bittersweet”

“He?”
Evan takes a deep breath and closes his eyes tightly.

“You had the wrong Murphy”

“What?”
Evan doesn’t say anything, he can hear the moment Jared starts laughing.

“Oh my god”

He chances a glance at him; he looks very amused by this turn of events.

“Connor?”

“Yes”
“How did that happen?”

Evan swallows.

“He’s terrifyingly beautiful”

Jared’s eyes go to a spot right above his head, where Evan knows another orange heart has appeared.

“Ok, that’s the gayest thing I’ve seen happen”

Evan groans, closing his bag so he can hide his face in it, flushed as it is.

“What are you going to do?”

Evan groans louder.

“Well fuck man, you went and fell for the most unapproachable person in school”
“Shut up”

Evan knows, and even if Connor wasn’t like that, he would still never have the courage to go talk to him.

Chapter Text

“I never went to prom”

“You didn’t miss much”

“You went to prom?”

“Hard to believe, isn’t it?”

“I can’t imagine you in a suit”

“And yet”

Evan licks his lips, which Connor only notices because he’s staring, he should probably stop doing that.

“Do you have evidence?”

His lake green eyes lift up to find Connor’s, and he doesn’t think he’d be able to lie.

“Yep”

“Can I see?”

“Uh… sure”

He fishes out his phone, digging around until he finds a half decent photo his mom took of the night; he hands it to Evan and waits. Evan’s eyes widen and he looks a bit shaken.

“Jesus”

“That bad?”
Evan’s head whips in his direction, he looks offended, Connor has no idea what he did.

“As a bisexual man I must shame you for denying the world of this”
“What?”
“Connor this is a crime against humanity”

“Ok, you’re overdoing it”

“I’m really not”

“Is this you trying to make me wear a suit?”

“Yes!”

Connor rolls his eyes at him, but there’s something warm nestled on his chest, and he’s pretty sure he’s blushing, but knows Evan won’t point it out.

“Fine”

“Really?”

“Yeah, sure, you’ve convinced me”

“Yes!”

He has that bright victorious smile, the one that makes Connor’s heart do a backflip, and he knows he wouldn’t have been able to disagree anyways, not when Evan’s looking at him like that.

Evan waits as Connor changes, a small smile playing on his lips; he thinks they might be friends. Connor walks out on a two piece suit that frames his body like it’s an art piece, and Evan hadn’t been lying, the world needs more Connor in fancy clothes.

“If my dad knew you convinced to wear one of these he’d shake your hand”

Evan ignores that, grinning from ear to ear.

“You look hot”

“Oh… thanks”

Connor has that one tiny smile he gets whenever Evan says anything nice to him, bashful and pleasantly surprised, Evan gives a sharp nod.

“I’m buying it for you”
“Evan-”
“No, let me, you’ve done so much for me; this is nothing”

“Ok”

Evan grins and ushers him back into the dressing room, and Connor lets him. 

Chapter Text

Connor had always been a fan of dancing, especially ballet, however, rather than do it himself, he chose to watch it. This is how he met him.

Meet is a strong word, Connor had never actually spoken to the boy, but he had watched him almost religiously ever since that first time he saw him. His name was Evan Hansen and he was like the sea, and Connor was a terrible swimmer, so he just drowned, in every precise moment, in the way he made it seem like the music followed his body and not the other way around, the way he commanded attention, the whole crowd going into transfixed silence as soon as he started moving.

Connor wished he could say it was a celebrity crush and nothing else, but something about the dancer pulled at his heartstrings, begging him to approach, to learn, to hold, to stay; but Connor never did, instead he ran whenever the show ended. He would have destroyed the other boy anyways.

Evan wasn’t a narcissistic person, or he didn’t think he was, he hoped he wasn’t; but when a boy started appearing to every one of his recitals, he started to doubt it. At first he brushed it off, the first few times had all been under the same director, so maybe the guy was just a fan of their works, but when he kept appearing to ones where the only common factor was Evan himself, the dancer figured it was safe to assume he was there to see him.

His presence became pretty much part of Evan’s routine, he would always be there, in the crowd, somehow in the same seat, and how he did that last bit was a mystery to Evan; Evan would come up on stage, find him quickly with his eyes, and then he would get lost in his dancing.

Evan wanted something to hold onto, even if it was just a name, but every time, without fail, the boy would be the first to leave the theatre after the bows; and Evan would watch him go, pretending his heart didn’t scream at him to follow.

One night, he did.

The moment he stepped up for his first dance he found the boy in the crowd, looked at him until he looked back, then Evan got into position, and the music started. He made a point to glance at the boy every change he got, to make sure his message was clear, that he knew Evan was dancing for him. At the end of the show, after bowing, the boy hesitated, and it was enough for Evan to find his eyes again, he was the last one to leave, and when Evan walked out, he was leaning against the entrance.

The boy was taller that Evan, who was too happy about the turn of events to be bothered, he had long-ish hair, up to his shoulders, falling in waves, and his eyes were an icy blue, a single brow speck on the right eye. Evan wanted to leap back and change, to not be on his street clothes in front of this beautiful stranger, but before he can do that the boy takes a step towards him.

“Hi, I’m Connor, Connor Murphy, I’m a fan”

“O-oh, hello, I’m Evan Hansen, but you probably already know that, um…”

Evan runs his hands through his hair, trying to at the very least look somewhat presentable.

“Did you enjoy the show?”

“Yeah, uhm… tonight, you uhm… tell me if I was reading it wrong, but-“

“No, no, I was… I was trying to get you to stay, so…”

“Oh”

The stranger, Connor, his name is Connor, gives him a breathtaking smile.

“Do you want to get coffee?”

Evan blinks at him, he must be dreaming, there’s no way Connor is actually asking him out. Still, he’s waited this long to try and talk with him, so Evan might as well get to know more.

“I like tea better, if that’s ok?”

“That’s fine, perfectly fine”

Evan wonders where the night will take them.   

Chapter Text

Connor liked the quaint, small-ish, almost hidden coffee shop close to his home, for the most part. As a famous punk star, there weren’t many places he could go without being swarmed by fans, but the Cedar café was a safe place.

There was a single tiny problem, the cute barista who had learned Connor’s order by heart, the one that Connor possibly had a massive crush on, had absolutely no idea who Connor was.

When he had stepped foot on the café for the first time, the barista had simply looked at him, then quickly back down, no high pitched screaming, no wordless pointing, no fainting, but also no frown or crass words. He didn’t ask any questions unless they had to do with the order, gave him a customer service smile, and prepared his drink, and Connor was intrigued.

It took three days, the barista, Evan as his tag claimed, had learned Connor’s order by the third day; for Connor to realize that Evan actually didn’t know who he was. That was ok, more than ok; Connor came here mostly because the people who frequented it were all too old to know him, nothing else.

Only the more he went, the  more comfortable Evan seemed to become around him, actually striking small chat with him as he brewed, or making jokes, and lately, asking questions; Connor was a very weak, very gay guy, and Evan was charming as fuck. Connor answered most of his questions, which all helped further cement the fact that Evan had no idea who Connor was, and got to ask quite a few too, which was a good reward.

He learned that Evan was working on the shop so he could afford college, he was a senior on Environmental Science, and knew far more about trees than anyone else Connor had ever talked with, he also had a small collection of succulents in his apartment, all named; Evan has a total of two friends, one he’s known since forever whom, to Connor’s opinion, was an asshole until recently, and the other one is more a friend by proxy, but Connor still likes them better. Connor doesn’t have many friends himself, so this is nice, and new, and only worsens his budding crush on Evan, but he thinks he’ll survive.

The whole Evan not knowing thing only became a problem when one of Evan’s two friends comes over to the café when Connor is there, it’s a short-ish guy with glasses and short hair; the moment he enters the café his eyes land on Connor, who’s standing near the counter, and he freezes  in his spot. All at once dread fills Connor, because out of all the ways for Evan to find out he’s famous, this it possibly the worst.

“Holly shit, you’re Connor Murphy”

“You know him?”

“Evan, he’s famous”

Connor doesn’t stay to see the aftermath.

Later, once he’s gotten home, he remembers that Evan gave him his email address, and writes down a lack luster apology.

To Evan:

I will start, first, by apologizing, I never meant for you to find out this way, but understand that I wasn't hiding it, I did want to tell you, so many times, but I was scared. I was terrified that if you found out everything we've built in this time would've crashed and burned, and I guess I was right.

I won't blame you if you never talk to me again, if you change your schedule so you don't even have to see me, but I wanted to explain, even if you never read it.

I'm surrounded by people who either put me in a pedestal like some sort of god, who cling onto the idea of me like  lifeline, or people who have nothing but harsh words on my actions, who desiccate every mistake I make like I don't already do that myself, and always seem to know what hurts worst. And I could've only hoped you were somewhere in between.

And when I realized you didn't know but still wanted to talk to me, wanted to get to know me, I was happy... that's what I feared most, ruining that. Call me selfish or whatever.

I didn't mean to make you think it was all an act, because the truth is none of it was, in fact, I don't think I've ever shown so much of myself to anyone else, you pierced through my walls like they were made of paper, and I could only watch mesmerized as you didn't even notice what you were doing.

So, there you have it, do with it whatever you want, I just needed to write it.

C.M.

It takes him a week before he chances going to the café again, it still is the best place for him to calmly take a coffee; he’s surprised when Evan is on the counter, he’s even more surprised when the moment he lays eyes on him he jumps said counter and marches towards him. Connor is frozen in place, thinking everything he could’ve done to prevent this, now he has to face his mistakes.

He expects Evan to scream at him, to punch him in the face, he’d deserve both; instead he’s pulled into warm arms that hold him tight.

“You absolute moron”  

It’s murmured against his neck, where Evan has hidden his face, and sends shivers down his spine, Evan then pulls away enough to lock eyes with him.

“If you ever disappear like that on me again I swear…”

“I… that’s what you’re angry at?”

“I read your email”

Connor wasn’t expecting Evan to forgive him; Evan must notice his disbelief because he smiles softer.

“It doesn’t have to change anything, I mean, you’re still you right?”

“Yeah”

Evan gives a solid nod, then, he flushes, a much more timid smile taking over his features.

“I was going to ask you something that day, before you ran away”

Connor nods, words dying before they reach his lips, overwhelmed by relief.

“Would you like to go out with me?”

All at once his voice returns.

“Yes”

Evan beams at him.

Chapter Text

Evan Hansen wasn’t expecting superpowers when he fell unconscious while working on the state park; then again, that could be said for most superheroes. The thing is: most superheroes don’t go telling people who are barely connected to them about their powers, if they did tell people, it was usually someone they could trust; Evan wouldn’t say he trusted Jared, but he was all he had.

“So, you’re telling me, you have superpowers”

“I know it’s hard to believe-“

“Prove it”

“Oh, uhm…”

Evan rolled up his sleeve, willing the vines to appear, that was his power, he could summon vines at will; these ones were smooth, unlike the first time, where they were covered in spines, so they were also somewhat connected to his emotional state.

“Does this mean you’re going to start wearing your underwear on top of your pants?”

Considering everything that Jared could’ve said, and of all the jokes he could’ve made, this was probably the nicest one.

><><><><><><><><><><><>< 

Being a superhero meant having to fight supervillains, because apparently Evan wasn’t the only person to randomly gain powers, he guessed it balanced out.

Villains meant that, more often than not, Evan was tasked with stopping a maniac from destroying the world, while chasing the latest one; he bumps heads with the city’s local vigilante. They don’t really know each other, Evan’s only ever heard about the boy who went by Nightshade, had seen him in a few news articles, Evan thinks he’s prettier in person, but that doesn’t mean the guy isn’t in the way.

“What are you doing?”

“Someone needs to give you a reality check”

“Can’t you see the world is in danger?”

“The city is in danger! You’re destroying just as much of it if not more than that guy!”

Then, with a well thrown blade to bring the villain of the day down…

“Fucking watch your surroundings”

><><><><><><><><><><><>< 

When the city got infested with assholes trying to take over, and the only person really stopping them was some masked guy with vine powers, Connor became a vigilante. Someone had to be there for the people caught in the crossfire.

So it actually started when he realized he could easily master any weapon that didn’t need ammo, so he used mostly knives, and daggers, and the one machete he had managed to score. There had been that one situation with a sledge hammer he nicked from a construction site to save someone trapped in a building, but Connor had returned that one to its place.

At one point he had been feed up and walked to the local hero to ask him to stop helping the destruction of their shared home, perhaps not in the best way possible, but he had seen a lot more buildings held together by vines since, a lot easier to rescue people from a still somewhat stable structure, so Connor figured it was what needed to be said.

Once the destruction of the city went down to manageable for him and the city’s emergency services, Connor had neither reason nor interest in involving himself with Cedar, as the hero called himself. No, Connor was far more intrigued by someone else entirely.

There was this boy in his campus that shared a few classes with Connor, and Connor was crushing hard on him, he was shorter than Connor, with blonde hair and bluish green eyes, athletic enough to climb a tree like it was nothing, with the single most beautiful smile ever.  Connor wouldn’t say he was stalking the boy, but he was trying to get some kind of information, like what his major was, and what his name was, nothing too big. Just something for Connor to hold onto, other than the drawings of him he had in his notebooks, which, maybe a bit stalker-ish.

However, getting any information would require for him to actually approach the boy, and every time Connor convinced himself to go talk to him, his mind would go blank and he’d run dry of conversation starters, so to not make a fool of himself, Connor ran away. God, why couldn’t he have gotten the ability to socialize as a power, don’t get him wrong, his ability with weapons was useful, but this was ridiculous.

Connor sighed, slumping on top of his bed, he was such a mess.

Chapter Text

Connor had been on the agency for a good decade, in which he gained a reputation as the least agreeable agent, many believed he was only allowed to be because he was also the most efficient on the field.

He won said reputation from a long string of partnerships gone wrong. Connor had a way of doing things, one that harbored results, but it was risky, and not everyone agreed with that concept.

Actually, a good amount of Connor’s partners had abandoned him on grounds that, while the job implied a certain level of risk, Connor pushed it to the limit. Most of Connor’s partners though abandoned him on violent grounds.

Connor could act like a gentleman during parties, when he needed to blend in, but he had a habit of going overboard on more dangerous missions.

His boss, an older woman with a powerful presence, had tried to pair him up various times, because she believed there were things that Connor simply couldn’t do alone. Connor thought she had all but given up, when he was called to her office yet again.

There, waiting on a chair in front of the wood desk, facing Connor’s boss, was a young man around Connor’s age. He had short blond hair, and when he turned to look at him, lake green eyes. He could be pretty if he put his mind to it, Connor decided.

The boss, Miss Eloise Rumley, smiled warmly at Connor as she motioned for the free chair besides the young man, Connor sighed and complied; the sooner he was done with this, the better.

“Connor, this is agent Evan Hansen, I’m sure you’ve heard of him”

Connor was guilty of never paying enough attention to his fellow agents, so he shrugged; Hansen seemed to sit a little straighter on his chair.

“I figured you’d be more aware of him, considering you’re both tied for the title of best agent”

That set Connor’s brain going, there was only one other person who got anywhere near the title, but they were talked about by codename, never full name.

“Cedar”

Evan turned to him smiling amicably, but there was a glint in his eye that betrayed how proud he was on the turn of events. Cedar was the codename given to the best hacker in the agency, to the young man sitting in besides Connor.

“Nice to meet you too”

><><><><><><><><><><><>< 

After  a debrief on what the plan was, they were sent on their first mission as a team, it was a simple data retrieve, but the information was apparently extremely valuable, so they expected a high level of security; these were Connor’s favorite kind of missions, also a good way to end things quickly. The majority of the drive there was spent with Connor actively ignoring how Hansen looked in the stealth suit; Connor was gay, and Hansen had good genetics.

Hansen was a shifty dude, but he was at least doing it quietly, Connor only really noticed because they were walking together, that all stopped the moment he sat in front of the computer.  Connecting a USB-drive to it and starting it up, Evan’s fingers started flying through the keyboard, Connor watched the door, weapon at the ready.

“How long will that take you?”

“About 12 minutes, unless…”

He must have done something because suddenly an alarm started blaring through the building; Connor whipped his head to ask him what he was thinking but saw the grin on his lips.

“Make that nine minutes”

Connor could work with that.

“Stay put, don’t come looking for me until you’re done”

“Copy that”

Connor left the room, a sudden energy coursing through his entire being; he made as much noise as possible, gaining the undivided attention of the goons that worked here. He felt a wide grin splitting his face in two as he was chased further and further from where Evan was, once he was at a safe enough distance, he stopped, letting them come to him

Connor took them one by one, whatever way he could, grin still painting his face, he loved missions like these, and this time he wasn’t the one that made it more dangerous than it had to be, but Connor wasn’t complaining.

He was down to three guys when one went down without him touching them, he took advantage of the surprise of the other two to finish them, turning to look at Evan Hansen, gun still drawn. Evan holds out the drive, showing it to Connor for just a second before slipping it back inside his pocket, Connor wanted to say he didn’t follow the movement, but he was only human.

><><><><><><><><><><><>< 

It’s when they are driving back to the agency that Connor finally asks.

“What was that back there?”

“I took a calculated risk” 

“You knew that would happen then”

Evan turns to him, smirk painted on his lips, there’s something dangerous irradiating from him, Connor has never seen someone this beautiful.

“I read your files”

“Those aren’t public domain”

Evan wiggles his fingers in front of Connor, the motion is childish, and yet Connor is transfixed. They arrive at the base, and it feels like too soon, and yet Connor doesn’t know what else to say, Evan is different.

“I had fun, we should do it again”

He’s intrigued, he’s interested, he’s captivated, and he thinks this might be it.

“Definitely”

Chapter Text

Connor was cornered. That was a sentence that once upon a time would’ve had a much more different meaning, but would have felt just as final as it did right now; mainly because Connor was dramatic.

So, when Connor said he was cornered, he meant by the re-animated corpses that had taken over the city like a plague, and not any other way one could be cornered. He was with his back to a dead end, and his face to a horde, no way to escape, and no ammo.

Connor got out his bat, the one he had grabbed from his own house, it was old but did the job, and it was all Connor had left, he was regretting never adding nails to it. He was fighting off the first few approaching zombies when the ones in the back started dropping like flies, one after the other in complete silence, and then the ones closer, and so on, until one fell close enough that Connor saw the make-shift arrow.

When Connor looked up again he saw a figure, bow still held, with a good amount of unused arrows, they were around Connor’s age, and when they approached he recognized them immediately. Evan Hansen just saved his life, and was now walking towards Connor angrily, weapon still somewhat drawn, and Connor was amazed by the role reversal.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

“I was scavenging, obviously”

“Who the fuck scavenges alone in the fucking apocalypse?”

“I don’t see you with company either”

“I can take care of myself; I’m not the one that ran into a horde”

Connor wants to call him out on his logic, but Evan just saved his life, so Connor keeps quiet, instead he watches as Evan starts pulling the arrows from the double dead corpses.

“Were you looking for food or medicine?”

“Why would I tell you?”

“Information for information”

Connor thinks it over, and decides that Evan Hansen is probably the least likely to fuck him over, particularly if he knows who Connor is bringing the supplies to.

“Medicine; and water if there’s any, Zoe isn’t doing so well”

“She’s still alive then… what does she have?”

“Hold the fuck up, you promised information”

Evan shrugs, pulling another arrow out of a corpse, some of them are the kind Connor had seen on stores, he wondered where he got those, or his bow for that matter.

“I have a plan to get to the pier, and some good news about what waits there”

Connor relents.

“I’m not actually sure, she’s coughing a lot, and has high temperature, might get a fever soon”

“Oh, I took the things for those already, they’re in my base”

“I don’t have any more information”

Evan pulls out the last arrow, some had to be abandoned, but he retrieved the good majority, and all the store-like ones, he turns to Connor and smiles in amusement.

“I’m going to be gone tomorrow, it won’t matter”

“Part of your plan?”

“Yep”

The quiver Connor saw was actually attached to a backpack, obviously sewn in place by hand; Evan fixes it on his back and turns toward the way he came.

“Coming?”

“Whatever”

Connor falls into step with Evan, who moves faster than Connor expected.

“So, I got my hands on a very good radio, and I don’t know if you remember Jared, but he was with me, and he knew how to get it to broadcast”

“Kleinman, right? I never got why you hung out with him”

Evan shrugs, but despite his use of the past tense, his tone indicated that he thinks Kleinman is still alive, they were just not together anymore.

“The military was trying to gather survivors, apparently they plan to ship anyone not infected abroad, lock down the country, and keep the problem here”

“That’s why you want to get to the pier”

“Basically”

Connor wants to ask what happened between him and Kleinman, because even without reading into how Evan tells it, Connor can tell he’s alone, and has been for a long time; but Connor doesn’t have anything to offer in return. Evan stops in front of a subway entrance, and then turns to Connor.

“Are you claustrophobic?”

“Your base is underground”

“The subway system is the fastest route to the pier”

“That’s kind of brilliant, actually”

“Thanks”

Connor starts the decent, he hears Evan let out a chuckle behind him, and then the footsteps following, Evan has to unlock the gate for him, and then tells him to be careful with his feet. They use the normal staircases exclusively, the mechanical ones have the barriers up, and Connor knows that’s Evan’s doing.

Evan guides him all the way down, and then a bit more, into a car that’s stopped before reaching the stop, everything is surprisingly well lit, but Connor can’t ask about it. Connor waits outside the car as Evan goes in to look for the medicine; it’s a minute before he comes back with two boxes.

“Ok, this is a free one because my mom would never forgive me if I didn’t explain the medicine to you”

He holds one of the boxes, it’s thicker than the other one, but the other is wider, in a sense that the second probably holds pills on tablets, and the first looks like it could have a bottle.

“She takes this once every eight hours”

He gives it to Connor and then holds up the other box.

“Only use this if her fever gets really bad, ok?”

“Good, now hand me your gun”

“What?”

“Chill, I’m just giving you ammo, I don’t use firearms, don’t deal with hordes”

“Fine”

He gives him the gun, Evan runs back inside the car, and comes back much sooner, he gives the gun back to Connor, fully loaded, and two boxes of ammo, one open.

“This is for the misunderstanding at the beginning of the year”

“I thought that’s why you saved my life”

“No, that was mostly a coincidence, I didn’t really recognize you until later”

“Same”

“Let me walk you out”

Connor follows Evan back outside, all the way to the surface door, Evan unlocks it but looks like that’s as far as he’ll go, and even though Connor was expecting it, it still rubs him in the wrong way.

“I can’t leave this door open forever Murphy”

Connor nods, walks up, stops in the middle of the staircase, Evan has already closed the metallic bars.

“You better not die”

Evan grins at him, something Connor doesn’t want to name in his features.

“You too”

Connor leaves.

Chapter Text

On Connor’s whole being a vigilante routine, he usually avoided danger, but he wasn’t all that good with it, which had caused its fair amount of scars; it was a bit funny that Connor was so ok with risking his life, but couldn’t talk to a cute boy.

However that changes abruptly when another villain attacks, this time at Connor’s college,  and there’s no sign of Cedar; which meant Connor had to get people out of the building before it collapsed on them . He manages to get almost everyone out when a girl points out that there’s someone still inside, so Connor rushes in.

The building starts giving in underneath him as he hurries through the halls, then he hears curses coming from the lunch room and runs that way. He finds Evan Hansen, whom Connor recognizes instantly, standing in the middle of the room, with his hands pointing upwards.

“Come on Evan, you’ve done this a hundred times, just concentrate”

Connor wants to reach out, to stop Evan from whatever he’s doing and bring him to safety, when a pair of thick vines sprout from his arms, and Connor is frozen in place. The vines grow quickly, faster than they ever would normally; covering the building inside out, then Evan connects them to the ground, so that they hold when he detaches them from his arms.

“Evan?”

Evan whirls around, face white as a sheet, and now that Connor’s seen this it seems stupid that he hadn’t noticed before; the mask Cedar wore only really served to hide Evan’s freckles, Connor has stared enough at the rest of him that he should’ve seen it, but he hadn’t.

“Nightshade”

His voice shakes, and Connor only ever heard it once before, but that Evan was annoyed and tired, this Evan was weary.

“You’re Cedar”

“Y-yes”

Connor wants to punch something, preferably the asshole trying to destroy the college, he completely ruined his first meeting with his crush; he was an ass to Evan Hansen, fuck him.

“I uh… I have to go change really quick, think you can hold things up for a bit?”

Yep, that’s definitely Cedar, but it’s also definitely Evan, so Connor nods dumbly and heads back outside, to distract the villain. Evan comes out of the building a few minutes later, in full costume, and quickly traps the villain with his vines, just in time for the police and ambulances to arrive; he takes his leave, and someone asks Connor about the kid that had been inside, he somehow answers satisfactorily before running after Cedar.

He sees him going into an alleyway, backpack on his shoulders, it makes for a ridiculous image.

“Evan, wait”

Cedar stops and turns to him, he’s wearing the mask, and the difference is so minimal that Connor feels like an idiot once more.

“How do you even know my name?”

Connor has nothing to lose, not really.

“We share some classes; you probably don’t know who I am”

“You’re Connor Murphy”

Connor is taken aback by the fact that the cutest boy on campus knows his full name; Evan must read his surprise wrong.

“Oh god, I’m sorry, that’s probably so weird, I just- you don’t even use a mask, so…”

Connor is ashamed of taking so long to figure this out, so he agrees with Evan, just so he doesn’t find out.

“I’m honestly surprised more people haven’t figured it out”

“Well, you’re the only other person who knows I’m… me, and my mask doesn’t cover that much”

He gives Connor an amused smile, and Connor’s heart skips a few beats, reminding him that this is still the boy he’s head over heels for.

“I uh… I’m sorry about screaming at you back when”

Evan seems surprised at this, granted, Connor’s apologizing for something that happened months ago.

“No, no! You were completely right, I needed it; I was being reckless”

“Still, there were better ways”

Evan smiles at him, something familiar in his expression.

“I’m not gonna fight you on this”

Connor bursts out laughing, for a number of reasons, like the tone Evan uses, and the pose he gets in, and the fact that they’re both still in full hero gear. Evan slowly, but surely joins him, and they they’re both laughing in an alley, like they don’t spend the good majority of their time risking their lives for the greater good.

When they regain their breaths Evan takes a step closer to Connor, causing his heart beat to increase sharply.

“Do you want to get some ice cream?”

Connor just nods, lips dry, knowing it’s an invitation to friendship, but he might as well start somewhere. Evan smiles at him brightly at him; and Connor figures he couldn’t have said no if he tried.

Chapter Text

It happened accidentally, or at least, Evan wanted to believe it had been an accident and not his family friend trying to pull a prank on Evan by embarrassing him in front of his crush.

It happened because when lunch rolled around, Evan found Jared sitting on a table in front of Connor Murphy, and, upon seeing Evan, loudly called him over.

Evan had to snatch up the orange hearts that popped on top his head at the idea of sitting near Connor, while also fighting the feeling of dread of being glared at, also by Connor.  Evan somehow found his feet moving him towards the table, and sooner than he anticipated, he’s there, and he’s sitting beside Jared, eyes fixated on his lunch bag; if he looks at Connor more hearts will pop out, and that can only end badly.

Apparently, the whole reason Jared was sitting with Connor, was that he caught Connor shoving hearts inside his locker, and now was trying to get Connor to fess up on who he liked. Evan was really regretting sitting here; he did not need to hear about Connor’s crush on someone that was definitely 100 times better than Evan, but now he’s trapped in his seat.

If he moves he’ll bring attention to himself, if he leaves the table he’ll offend Connor, if he escapes now Jared will never let him hear the end of it; so he’s trapped, listening to his family friend try to coax his crush into talking about the hearts he apparently has.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^

Connor didn’t want anyone to find out about his hearts, but out of everyone to do so, Jared Kleinman was the second to worst person possible, the first being the boy Connor was pinning after.

Kleinman wouldn’t leave him alone after he saw the heart, bothering Connor nonstop, Connor is two seconds from flipping on him, when Kleinman dooms him.

“Evan! Over here!”

Connor feels his heart racing, dread settling in, because he can’t have any more hearts popping out, if he does he’ll give himself away. Evan walks over and drops down beside Kleinman, eyes fixated on the lunch bag he places on the table, Connor can deal with this.

The problem slowly turns from trying not to pop hearts at having his crush so close to him, to trying not to snap at Kleinman and ruin any chances he has of even talking to Evan. It’s a thing because Kleinman will not stop pushing.

“-because I’m pretty sure she’s terrified of you, not that I blame her”

“It’s not a girl!”

Fuck, there goes that, now Kleinman knows he’s gay, joy.

“Oh, well, no need to scream, Evan here is also hardcore pining for a dude”

Evan finally looks up from his lunch, bluish green eyes snapping towards Kleinman, blush rising to his cheeks.

“Jared!”

Connor isn’t fast enough, Evan whirls around looking ready to say something, but the blue heart drops to the table before he can, Connor can feel his own heart, the one inside his chest, also dropping ; he  locks eyes with Evan’s bluish green ones, he stands up abruptly, and then he’s running.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^

Evan is frozen in place, eyes glued to the blue heart that’s still on the table, and Connor is making a quick escape.

“I wasn’t expecting that”

Jared’s voice breaks Evan of his stupor; Evan jumps from his seat, snatches the blue heart of the table, and runs after Connor. It’s brash and not well thought out at all, but Evan needs to know, needs to confirm what he thinks this means.

He somehow, impossibly, catches up to Connor, who’s headed to the school’s parking lot, Evan will lose him if he gets there; he’s unsure why this is a certainty, it just is.

“Connor, wait!”

Connor stops, whirling around to face him, and he looks like he’s flipping through every emotion possible in this situation in a single go, Evan tries to regain his breath, offering the heart to him.

“This is… you forgot this”

Connor looks at him , then at the heart, then back at him like he doesn’t know what to do with Evan, which, same.

“It’s yours”

Evan feels a heart pop up above him at the confirmation, Connor glares at it.

“Why the fuck are you thinking of your crush right now?”

“I… I’m sorry? You’re making it- making really hard not to”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Evan swallows, pulling the blue heart away in his pocket, so he can grab the orange one now lying on his head, with a confidence improper of him, he shoves it into Connor’s hands.

“Here, it means you’re bittersweet, and spontaneous, and protective, and resourceful, and- I’ll shut up now”

Connor takes a hold of it, looking at it as if it holds the answers to the universal questions.

“Oh”

He looks back at Evan, with his piercing blue eyes, the right one has a brown spot, making his heart stutter.

“You… you like me?”

Evan feels himself blushing, but manages to nod; three blue hearts pop over Connor’s head. He breaches the distance between them with a single step, he gives another blue heart to Evan.

“You’re soothing, and patient, and understanding and more shit, but I can’t remember, I’m sorry”

Evan shakes his head, pats his pocket where the previous blue heart still remains, Connor lets the one in his hand drop.

“Right”

Evan nods, to stop himself from parroting back at him, Connor brushes a hand through the back of his head, Evan feels a few hearts popping over him, and the next thing he knows is that they’re both laughing. He can’t remember who started it, or why, just that it feels really nice after all that tension, and that Connor has a nice laugh, there’s blue and orange hearts pilling on the floor.

“Fuck, ok, do you wanna skip with me Hansen?”

“I uh… sure”

“Cool, cool”

“We should… maybe pick these up first”

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea”

So they do, in silence, it’s not awkward per se, but it is odd, like there’s something stagnant in the air, but they’re both ok with it staying there for the time being. They shove the hearts away into both of their backpacks, not stopping to see who was getting what, and then Connor leads Evan outside, and Evan figures this marks the start of something, but he isn’t sure what just yet.

Chapter Text

Dating a famous person was a whole thing, there weren’t many places they could go without Connor being swarmed, and he feared Evan would eventually get tired of hiding.

It wasn’t that Connor didn’t want to be open with his relationship, he’d love to show Evan off, he was so amazing, and Connor was so enamored with him. The problem was that he knew exactly what kind of attention that would give Evan, not only from the press, who would dig until they found even the tiniest speck of dirt to turn into a headline for the drama, but of the fans who would do the exact same with the intention of destroying Evan completely, who would threaten and curse at Evan, who might actually hurt him.

Evan wasn’t perfect, no one could possibly be, but he was everything Connor needed in his life, and he made Connor stupidly happy; and Connor could only hope he’d be as understanding about this particular issue, as he had been about Connor not wanting to say he was famous back when they first met.

One of the places they frequented most often was an old abandoned orchard, it gave them privacy and freedom, and Evan loved it there, Connor liked seeing him that happy, it warmed his heart like nothing else. It was there that they shared most of their secrets, traded stories of scars that had yet to fade, and the ones that did but only in their skin; it was here that Connor decided to tell Evan.

“Look, there’s something I should tell you, a warning really, if we’re gonna keep this going”

Evan nods, Connor had strung the words quickly, because he didn’t want him to get the wrong idea, Evan smiled at him reassuringly, appreciative, because of course he knew.

“If this moves forward, I’m going to have to tell the world, and the reaction will only be pretty at first”

Connor grabs Evan’s hands, intertwines their fingers, Evan lets him talk.

“And I don’t want them to hurt you like I know they will”

Evan smiles then, something settling in his expression, and he squeezes their joined hands.

“I want to try anyways, if that’s ok with you”

And Connor could cry, so he just nods, words failing him as he pulls Evan into a hug, he feels so glad.

Chapter Text

Evan had always been aware of Zoe Murphy; she was nicer than anyone Evan knew, and good with music, and so many things. It didn’t surprise Evan when he started popping hearts every time he saw her.

The hearts appeared at random, and were hard to hide, not that anyone was watching Evan, he was practically invisible, but still. They were bright orange, which was intriguing, because Zoe didn’t seem like she’d fit the color, but then again Evan didn’t know her.

Orange hearts were resourceful, quick to thought, but just as quick to judgement, often referred as bittersweet, they’re brash and spontaneous, but caring and protective. The perfect match for an orange is a blue heart, but they can also be a good match for a violet or green one.

Evan knows all of this, has it all but memorized in his head, and clings onto it because it’s the closest he’ll get to knowing her.

He’s been thinking about this all summer, last year he barely managed to hide the hearts from Jared and Alana, the only two people who knew of his existence, Alana was easier, since she was always so busy, Jared not so much. For all Jared claimed to have other friends, he sure seemed to spend a lot of time with Evan; still, Evan managed to keep his hearts a secret.

Now, first day of senior year, he both fears and anticipates Zoe’s entrance through the doors; he practically zones out while Jared is making fun of him for his cast, which means he still reacts, but not as much as he could’ve.

The next thing he knows is that Jared is saying something mean to Connor Murphy, Evan knows Connor, has seen him walk the halls behind Zoe like a shadow, eyes fixed to the floor, back hunched, hands on his pockets, or gripping at the strap of his bag, looking like he wants to blink out of existence, and that’s very relatable.

Connor being relatable brings a sort of weird amusement to Evan, it’s not really funny, but it makes him chuckle. That, brings attention to him, and there’s Connor looking at him with ire lit eyes, and a loud booming accusation, and Evan scrambles to fix it and fails spectacularly because then he’s on the ground.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-....-...--.- .-....-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

He doesn’t see Connor again until later, much later, actually almost at the end of the school day, when he’s in the computer lab. There’s a stunted conversation, and an awkward pause before Evan notices his letter on Connor’s hands, and he feels bile rising to his throat.

“This is your, right? “Dear Evan Hansen”, that’s your name?”

“Yeah, no, it’s mine; it’s uh… an assignment”

He watches hopelessly as Connor reads it.

“Because there’s Zoe? Is this about my sister?!”

Evan is dead, oh god, he’s so dead.

“You...wrote this because you knew that I would find it”

Evan stumbles over himself, gives shaky excuses to someone who’s deafened by anger.

“Yeah. You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and you printed it out so that I would find it. So I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right?!”

It feels like his heart is being ripped apart, pulled at the already lose seams, like the world is breaking around him.

“And then you can tell everyone that I’m crazy, right?! Fuck you!”

Connor takes his leave, like a passing hurricane, and Evan has to stop him, if nothing else, because he knows, he knows, he knows.

“Wait! Connor, wait!”

His feet move on instinct, and his hand reaches for the taller boy, Evan can’t let him leave, he can’t, he can’t. Connor whirls around, and he’s everything terrifying about talking to someone, and yet…

Yet Evan talks, explains everything in a breath, like he’s running out of time, desperate to get the other to listen, to stop. Somehow, amazingly, Connor does, he stops, and slows Evan down, and he listens, until every word is said, left to hang in the air between them.

Connor breathes slowly, hands the paper back to Evan, who quickly shoves it inside his backpack, the motion feels somewhat familiar. Connor apologizes, Evan apologizes at the same time, and then Connor laughs, and Evan joins him.

They stay like that for just a moment; then Connor re-adjusts the strap on his shoulder, and gives Evan a rushed nod.

“Bye Hansen”

He almost makes it to the door before Evan finds his voice again.

“See you!”

Connor turns to him, his gaze softens, and the corner of his mouth lift somewhat, and in the mixing light of the sun and the school halls he looks ethereal; then he turns once again and walks into the sunlight, door swinging behind him. Evan feels something hit his head, and when he grabs it he finds one of the hearts, bright orange, and oh... oh!

Chapter Text

In the world where crushes were painfully hard to hide, Jared thought he was doing a fantastic job of it. He must’ve because it’d been years, and not a single person knew about his hearts.

The thing about crushes, though, was that you could have more than one, some came and went quicker than others, but the hearts remained, hidden in boxes labelled with names of people he never talked to, painted in all the colors imaginable. One color persisted, and Jared had boxes upon boxes filled with it, had come to somewhat despise its existence.

Jared wondered, if anyone ever felt for him, what color their hearts would be painted in, had searched every color he had saved to find a match, to find a single one missing.

Green hearts were resilient; an enabler to a point, green hearts will encourage in others what they can’t accomplish themselves, but they will do so subtly as to not be called out on it; greens are often referred to as lighthearted. The best match for a green heart is a red one, but they may also do well with a violet or an orange one.

Jared accepted this, he could handle this, he had fallen for plenty of people in those three colors, he didn’t have to think about the pile of boxes that didn’t match him, or the person those hearts pointed to.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-....-...--.- .-....-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Jared was honestly surprised when Evan asked him to meet in the computer lab after class, he felt spit gathering in his mouth as Evan explained why.

Apparently Evan was also good at hiding hearts, because he claimed to be crushing on someone, pretty hard too if the heart that appeared above him as he said it was any indication. Despite never having seen Evan with hearts before, Jared wasn’t surprised that he was crushing for someone, what surprised him was that it wasn’t the person he had thought it would be.

“It’s not Zoe, Alana gets indigo hearts for her, and yours aren’t”

He says it, because Jared is an observant person, and Alana is often too busy to hide her hearts well enough, also because Jared caught her a few times gazing at Zoe with that soft look people in romance movies got. Evan opens his bag, to reveal a cluster of more hearts, bright orange… a perfect match.

“He’s bittersweet”

That stops him, and Jared’s heart skips a beat, because the idea that Evan can like guys is new, and unexpected.

“He?”

“You had the wrong Murphy”

“What?”

Evan doesn’t say anything, just closes his eyes tighter, and Jared laughs, he laughs because otherwise he’d break.

“Oh my god”

Evan finally re-opens his eyes and looks at him; Jared is an expert at faking amusement by now.

“Connor?”

The universe must be completely insane to think Evan and Connor have anything in common, much less are perfectly suited for each other.

“Yes”

“How did that happen?”

He hears Evan swallow, and knows him to be organizing his thoughts so to not stumble over words, or rush them out. Then he gets this look, like he’s remembering a religious experience.

“He’s terrifyingly beautiful”

Jared’s eyes go to a spot right above his head, where another orange heart has appeared. He doesn’t know what to make of it.

“Ok, that’s the gayest thing I’ve seen happen”

Evan groans, closing his bag so he can hide his face in it, and the tips of his ears are red, which means he’s flustered.

“What are you going to do?”

Evan lets out another groan, louder this time, and Jared worries, because he’s seen Connor, seen how he acts, and he’s afraid.

“Well fuck man, you went and fell for the most unapproachable person in school”

“Shut up”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-....-...--.- .-....-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Jared happens to see Connor shoving something into his locker, small, impossible not to recognize. Hearts painted in a color Jared had seen over and over for ages, for longer than he cares to admit.

It’s a bit of stretch, but Jared is hopeful. Hopeful that he’s right, for reasons he refuses to think, because thinking them would require admitting that the piles of hearts back at his home exist.

Hopeful that he’s wrong, because he’s greedy, and he’s terrified of being left aside for something perfect, he’s not even close to good.

Chapter Text

One of the problems with being able to glow in the dark was that Connor had grown used to having to leave the reef by sundown if he didn’t want others to find out. This habit didn’t stop once he found himself a mate, but luckily for him, Evan decided to build their nest close to the reef’s edge, which made escaping easier.

As a merman capable of camouflage, Evan was a good fisher, but because of his refusal to let his real tail colors show, he wasn’t a hunter. Connor believed this was a complete waste, as Evan had possibly one of the prettiest voices in the frenzy; Connor was still star struck over the fact that his own voice could keep up.

The thing about their harmonization, was that it happened privately, which meant that while they were definitely mates, they weren’t officially mated. To make that happen they would have to harmonize again, but in the part of the reef that was selected for such a thing, in front of the rest of the frenzy.

Every four moons, a group of merfolk would gather in the center of the reef they called home, on an attempt to find their mates; many would sing to someone in particular, others would sing to themselves so that their mates could find them; they would be doing the first one. It wasn’t an odd thing, Evan and Connor had been friends for a while, connected by their shared outcast status, and many believed them to be courting; if anything folks would more likely be surprised it took them this long to try it.

When the day came, Evan got nervous and started going from one tail pattern to another, mimicking the places he often hunted in, several of the corals in the area, some of the patterns of other merfolk, and at one point even Connor’s.

Connor swam to him slowly, moving tentatively closer as to not scare him.

“Hey”

He reached a hand out, a question, Evan nodded and he placed it on his cheek, and hushed him softly.

“It’ll be fine, just focus on me, ok?”

“O-ok”

Connor shifted closer, connecting their foreheads, and coaxing Evan to breathe with him.

They start apart from each other, meeting in in a point where the corals form a circle around some rocks, with a bunch of other merfolk that have gathered here; and then it starts.

It isn’t hard to find each other, Evan has gone back to his usual silver blue scale pattern, and if it were darker Connor’s lights would be a soft lilac color.

Evan signs first, and it feels as though everything has gone quiet, as if everything halted just to hear this; but in this silence, Connor is overwhelmed with the urge to join him. They circle each other as they sing, swimming slowly around, smiles forming on their faces.

Chapter Text

The problem with being partnered with someone who also liked danger was that they both enabled each other. The agency’s medic had become well acquaintance with them, to the point where the three were now on friendly terms.

A thing about working with Evan, in particular, was post-mission nerves, the moment they were back on the office he would find an excuse, and go lock himself in the changing room. Connor had learned that there was little to do when he got in that state, nothing Connor tried seemed to help, and he had tried it all, or almost all, there were some methods he was above utilizing on a fellow agent.

This mission was different though, and that meant the routine they had slowly built was broken. It was one of those missions in which they had to dress up and put on invisible masks.

They had to infiltrate a rich party to meet with a contact. This contact was a woman of wealth, well known amongst the right circles, her involvement in the higher social circles served as a cover for her involvement with the agency, but it was also why they needed to blend in seamlessly. This required donning a suit, something outlandish but classy enough, proper of someone this woman would talk to.

Connor dressed on a two piece dark purple suit, with a white shirt underneath, and both black shoes and tie. Evan wore a wine red two piece, also with a white shirt underneath, his tie much thinner and a slightly lighter shade of black, as were his shoes.

Connor had been working with Evan for a half a year now, in which he had gotten used to seeing the other in full stealth suit, an accomplishment that had not been easy to achieve. But if Evan had looked hot in the stealth suit, he looked absolutely stunning in a suit, and Connor was a very gay man.

On missions like this one, Connor utilized what he had learned from living with a well-off family for most of his life, playing the role of business man with a taste for socials. Evan’s mask was different, he held himself with confidence, walking like a fucking male model, and playing the part of flirt; Connor would’ve complimented anyone else on such flawless acting, but he can’t with Evan.

The problem was that, in the time they’ve been working together, Connor has fallen for his partner, not only for the danger seeker side he gets on missions, but also for the quiet one that belongs in the base. And it hurts, seeing Evan Hansen, who Connor has been trying uselessly to flirt with, be so good at flirting with strangers.

Connor can’t blame a single one of the attendees for flirting back, Evan is very beautiful normally, but he cuts a stunning picture in his suit, Connor hates it just a bit less than the stealth suit, but that had little to do with his jealousy. So the spy watches his partner sweep men and women alike off their feet, and tries to locate their contact quicker.

A young man dressed in a black tux approached Connor, Connor faintly recognized him from a different mission where he had to get in touch with this particular contact.
“Madame Musser will see you in her study now”

Connor shot a glance at Evan, who happened to be looking at him, and gave him a sign to follow after him. By the time he made it out of the room where the party was taking place, he could see Evan in the corner of his eye, the unnamed guy lead them to the study quickly.

Madame Musser had her study walls covered in bookcases and books to fill them; she looks extremely elegant in her full body emerald green dress, gold jewelry to accentuate her face.

She was very quick about the whole ordeal, having dealt with the agency and its agents for ages; she traded information for security, and was probably the safest person in the US sans the president.

Once the exchange was dealt with they didn’t have any reason to remain in the party, and decided to leave, Madame Musser’s house was far enough from the agency that they had rented a hotel for the time being. The moment they were behind closed doors Evan seemed to melt, gone was the confident gleam and the proper posture, leaving an exhausted man on its wake, he looked beyond stressed, but gave Connor a very done look.

“Ok then, out with it”

“What?”

“You’ve been glaring at me all night, and… did I do something wrong?”

“No”

“Then what the hell?”

Connor was one for risks, had been for longer than he cared to admit, and Evan was beautiful even now; destroyed as he was. So Connor strode to him, cutting the distance in a few steps, and pulled him into a kiss, and he had wanted it to go differently, to happen in a good way, but right now it felt as though words wouldn’t cut it.

He pulled away almost immediately, to find a stunned Evan in front of him.

“That”

“Oh”

Connor took a step back.

“I was unprofessional and let my feelings get the best of me”

Evan followed after him, something lit in his eyes.

“Fuck professional”

And then Connor was pulled into a much more demanding kiss, he kissed back, pulling Evan closer to him, holding him there, feeling desperate. It was a rough kiss, but it was fucking amazing.

Chapter Text

All of the best agencies gathered in one place.

It was an oddity, but there was one person with the ability to pull such strings, and they had no shame in doing so, particularly when the threat was bad enough.

“I called you here because we’ve been compromised”

They walk around the table, eyeing the back of the agents sitting on it and their bosses.

“Now I know you lot don’t work well together, and I am not going to ask you that”

They make it back to the sole empty chair in the room, standing behind it, hands gripping the top of the back.

“What I’m proposing is a race”

That’s how it started.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Connor was running against the clock, roaming the halls of an enemy base as fast as he could. No time for stealth, no time for fighting.

He gets to the room and knocks the door open, no time means he gets to be sloppy, he finds the computer and puts the USB in, quickly searching for the right folder.

He never finds it, instead there’s a single message over a picture of their main rival agency, it reads:

‘Better luck next time –Cedar’

This is why Connor insists they hire hackers, but no one listens to him.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Evan was chasing down a mole, some asshole that was filtering information from where Evan couldn’t keep it locked. He had been hot on trail of the guy about minute and a half ago, but his partner had taken a wrong turn, so Evan had abandoned the vehicle in favor of trying to make up for it.

See Evan would ask to be reassigned, but this is the first partner in months not to file complaints about Evan’s methods, so he was stuck. It was kind of his own fault for being so reckless when it didn’t involve a computer.

He does find the guy, but he does so on a well-hidden alleyway, completely dead. There on the wall, written in the guy’s blood, which, gross, was a message that read:

‘Better luck next time –Nightshade’

And a crude drawing of their main rival agency. Granted, Evan kind of deserves that one.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

It becomes a thing, every new mission they’re sent on, somehow the two agencies with the longest history of rivalry are the first ones to arrive, which means the messages repeat.

To the point where Connor has Cedar’s operating modus almost down to a fine art.

To the point Evan’s become privy to Nightshade’s abilities with weapons.

A rivalry grows between them, as they try to outsmart the other, and get there first, always leaving the same message. Both of their partners accuse them of flirting with the enemy

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

It gets worse when they finally get a good look at each other, when they have a face to match a code name to.

It gets better because it gets worse, and it becomes sort of a personal thing, and they’re single-handily ridding of the problem bit by bit; so the big gun allows them to keep going

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

After the whole ordeal is said and done, Evan’s a bit disappointed; he’ll miss having someone to make things interesting, something to excuse his reckless behavior.

He knows that he’ll keep on brushing with Nightshade’s agency, but the chances of running into Nightshade himself are really low, so he decides to leave a final message for his fellow spy.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

When Connor’s going through the files for the whole shenanigan, because he’s somewhat decent at this, and he doesn’t trust the guys at his agency; he gets a pop-up message with a symbol he’s now familiar with, it’s a map with a mark made on it and the words: 

‘Good luck –Cedar’

And he’s sized by something he can’t describe, quickly inputs the direction into his phone, and drops everything to run there. He has no idea how much time he has, or what he’s going to do once he gets there; just that he can’t let Cedar go just like that, not after everything.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Evan decides to wait until the day changes, not a minute more. If Nightshade doesn’t appear, he’ll just go, and hope never to cross paths with the other man again.

He has no clue what he’ll do if Nightshade does appear, but he hopes he does.

Chapter Text

It was a special night.

Every merfolk knew of this night.

For a single night, the sky would light up with colorful explosions, the humans celebrating something.

Many would go to the surface, knowing no boats would cross the water that night, though some humans could be seen on the beach, they didn’t have the keen eyesight to see them.

Connor knew the best spot to watch, had found a hill not that far from the reef that no one went to in fear of humans, but Connor knew none would appear, not tonight.

His lights glowed a vibrant cyan as he excitedly lead Evan to it, his mate swam behind him with an endeared smile.

This was a special night, Evan and him had been official for 10 moons, and they had been the happiest Connor had ever been. Connor wanted to celebrate the occasion, so he figured getting Evan the best seats to the spectacle in the sky was a great way.

Connor helped his mate climb to the lowest rocks in the hill; from there they could see the lights in full display. Connor was now illuminated in blue, while Evan had let his camouflage go, and left his tail look natural.

They watched in silence as the sky lit up in a myriad of colors, sometimes humans created beautiful things.

Evan leaned into him, shifting closer so their tails could tangle into each other, Connor copied him until they were pressed flush against each other, exchanging warmth in the windy night.

“You know, the first time I saw your tail light up, it reminded me of this”

Connor feels himself choke on words, because fuck if that isn’t the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to him, about his tail no less. His tail went violet at the thought of what he was going to ask.

“Can I kiss you?”

His voice was barely above a whisper, it was harder to make it that soft on the surface, breathing through his nose instead of through his gills made his voice louder; it worked for hunters, as they wouldn’t strain their voices, but it didn’t work for right now. Evan looks at him, and the sky lights are painting his oddly in combination with Connor’s own lights, but he still smiles.

“Sure”

And there, in the surface, during the night of the flashing sky lights, Connor and Evan sealed their fates together for good, by sharing their first kiss.

Chapter Text

It wasn’t that Connor had never imagined the apocalypse; just that he had never thought he’d live through it, much less guide a group of teens into safety. It started just with him and Zoe, their mom had gone off to find their dad, who had been on his office when the outbreak happened, after four days with no word from her, and too many close encounters with both zombies and raiders, Connor decided to move both him and his sister away from there. 

Zoe had been quiet as Connor packed as many provisions as they could carry, and searched the house for any usable weapons, only moving to unlock the gun safe and give Connor the remaining pistol and ammo they had, while he nicked the old baseball bat, he never asked how she knew the combination, simply took the gun and guided her outside.

They had been wandering aimlessly from make-shift shelter to another for half a month when Zoe got sick; that lead to Connor crossing paths with Evan Hansen for the second time in his life. After a whole ordeal in which Evan ended up saving Connor’s, and indirectly Zoe’s lives, Connor felt like he was indebted to the guy, not to mention that he gave them a direction to go to.

So when, in one of their trips to change locations they saw a recognizable pair of people in need of help, Connor just had to save them. Thus how he added Jared Kleinman and Alana Beck to their group.

As it happened, Jared’s plan to get to the pier backfired, and he had gotten in trouble with the group he had joined after parting ways with Evan. Alana had found him looking lost in a park, and saved him from almost getting mauled by a zombie, since then they had stuck together.

Connor had no clue how or when or why he had become the leader of their band of teens, couldn’t remember it ever being a thing they talked about, it just was a silent decision; now here he was.

After what had to be at least half a year, they had finally made it to the port, completely battered and bruised, with close to no supplies, muscles moving automatically out of habit with no energy behind them, but ready to speed to a full sprint when adrenaline hit. Zoe saw the base, and one of the soldiers saw them, they probably didn’t pose a threat, four teens that looked ready to drop any minute, the soldier took them in.

They were lead into a wide space, there was a decent amount of people already there, the soldier explained that they had to go through a check to make sure they weren’t infected before they could take them to the main base; a waiting area of sorts.

Connor collapsed into the floor, surrounded by survivors. One by one, the rest of their make-shift group joined him on the ground, completely exhausted; the soldier that carried them to the waiting area smiled sympathetically.

Now that he’s somewhere ‘safe’, Connor allows himself to relax somewhat, glancing around at the other people who are also waiting to get out of here. This means he’s the first one to see him, but Connor’s gotten used to seeing Evan Hansen everywhere, Jared is the one to confirm that other is really there.

It happens in a blur, Jared calls Evan’s name, Evan’s startled were he’s leaning over a pillar, but then his eyes fall on Jared and both boys are moving. Evan hits Jared in the head, only to pull him into a hug moments later, Connor watches from where he’s frozen in the floor, Jared tugs Evan to them, and Connor feels his heart rate raising. 

The months alone have changed Evan, he looks more mature, like he fits his body better, he’s won a bit of muscle, probably from running, and he has a few scars going for him. His hair is unevenly cut, but short; though longer than Connor remember it being, but he has that same energy he had when he saved Connor’s ass, and when he gave him free ammo, and when they said goodbye, Connor doesn’t know what to make of it.

He’s fantasized about meeting Evan again, had become almost obsessed with the notion, it kept him going, but actually doing it is even better. He gets to stare all he wants as Jared, Alana, and Zoe take turns to tell how they got there, Evan trades his own story, about treading the subway lines until he got to his destination, about the runs for provisions, about hiding from humans more than he did from zombies.

Lake blue eyes fall on Connor, and he can’t help but return the gaze, Evan stars talking about their meeting, apparently having been asked by Jared, Connor needs to stop spacing out, so he adds commentary on the story.

“So that’s why you saved my ass”

“You being with Alana also helped”

Jared nudges her by the shoulder.

“See, you’re the favorite”

Evan blinks at them.

“Wouldn’t Zoe be the favorite?”

Zoe makes the best dead-pan expression.

“No it’s definitely Alana”

And for whatever reason, maybe relief piled upon the ridiculousness of the conversation, Connor starts laughing uncontrollably, Evan is the first to join him, and then they’re all laughing, like they weren’t still fighting for their lives just this morning.

Chapter Text

How long had it been?

A week?

A month?

A year?

A decade?

That last one sounded more likely, ten years of this odd immortality, ten years in this state of numbness, ten years where he just… existed.

Or maybe it had been more than ten years, it was hard to tell, Connor couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, and couldn’t even open his eyes.

He knew his family was still in power, they had to be for him to still be here; and that meant they were still looking for his true love.

Connor had never been in love, not in the way books and people insisted it worked, but he had someone he loved. He was the heir of a neighboring kingdom, his name was Evan Hansen.

They had only met a few times in person, but they corresponded frequently, sending birds so no one else would know of it. Only now that Connor was in this state, his family had most definitely gone through his room, so maybe it was less them not finding Connor’s true love, and more them trying to deny what was right in front of their eyes because it was different.

Connor wouldn’t say what he felt for Evan was love, but he would say it. How else was one supposed to describe the way he felt while reading his words? The yearning to be there for him, there with him, to hold him close and never let go.

Even if they barely saw each other, how could the way Connor’s heart leaped at every letter he received be anything other than love?

He had time to ponder about this, as barely anything happened around him, sometimes, if he was lucky, he would hear his sister’s voice. Zoe would tell him how things were going in the kingdom, how bad the last batch of suitors had been; but she never mentioned how long it had been since the previous visit.

Connor had grown used to it, to being like this, to the idea that he would continue to be like this for a long time, maybe forever. A sudden noise broke him out of this trail of thought, and then a soft gasp, before a set of hurried footsteps approached him.

“Oh Connor”

Even if he had only heard it a few times Connor would’ve recognized that voice anywhere, he suddenly despised his inability to open his eye; he wanted to see him.

“I know I’m not supposed to be here, but they said- and I thought… I don’t know what I thought”

Connor wants to move and wrap him in a hug, because Eva sounds so distressed. He hears as the other prince catches his breath, having most likely to sneak into the tower, god, Connor missed him. Could you miss someone that was right there?

“Look, this might not work, but I couldn’t just… leave you here, not if I can do something”

Connor felt his heart rate rising, could hear the beating in his ear drums, and then there were lips against his, soft and warm, such a striking comparison with his own. He was sized with the need to do something, anything, to move before he unwillingly broke Evan’s heart, he wanted so badly to kiss back; he needed to, oh god.

‘Please, I love him’

His hand moved up, weakly and slowly, until it met Evan’s arm, startling the other prince into pulling away.

“Connor?”

His eyes opened for the first time since the curse, and he got to see Evan, wondrously surprised, staring at him; he smiled.

“Hey”

Evan smiled back, overjoyed, and leaned until their foreheads were pressed together.

“I’m so glad”

Connor moved to try and seat up, Evan immediately gave him a hand, there were a few tears streaming in the other’s face, but the bright smile signaled that they were happy ones; still Connor gently wiped them off, causing Evan to chuckle wetly.

“I love you”

Connor’s voice was dry, and gravy, and hard to get out, which made sense after so long without using it. Evan still gets a wider smile, and leans over for another kiss, this one’s more active than the last, and when he pulls away his eyes are half-lid.

“I love you too”

Chapter Text

Evan was walking away from a party.

Ok, so, the words Evan and party in a same sentence are odd, because the fact that he’s walking away means that he went to a party.

Evan Hansen went to a party completely of his own volition.

Evan went to a party, invited by one of his classmates, and tried to talk things over with his ex, only to be shut down harshly. So, to reiterate, Evan was walking away from a party.

He finds a bench in his way to the dorms, and decides to fulfill the trope of sad heartbroken character by slumping into it. He isn’t expecting anyone to come by, actually he’s hopping for the opposite, but things don’t go his way anymore.

“Hey there late bird”

Evan looks up at Connor with an expression that he hopes reads ‘seriously?’, because that’s what he’s feeling right now. Connor rolls his eyes and drops down beside Evan unceremoniously.

“Ok, spill”

And for whatever reason, Evan does, in a flurry of words; he describes exactly how shitty this year has been so far.

"Wait, back up, you've came to Harvard to follow a man?"

"When you put it like that it sounds stupid"

"Because it is!"

Evan had enough.

"Oh, yeah? What was your reason to come here?"

"I was made to go here"

"And that's better than mine? At least I wanted to be here"

He's panting, not used to screaming this much, much less to someone he barely knows, Connor, instead of storming off in anger like Evan expects him to, starts laughing. He's actually laughing so much that he almost falls off of the bench, Evan watches perplexed.

"Jesus, I didn't think you had it in you"

There's a couple reasons why Evan starts laughing along, none of which he can pin point, but it's the middle of the night, they're sitting in a bench, completely alone, laughing over nothing, and to any passerby they'll look crazy, but the night seems to be a bit brighter.

"How do you manage?"

"Hmm?"

"Studying something you don't like, I would never be able to handle it"

"I wanted the independency, fixated in being good enough that I could live on my own, cut ties with my toxic family"

"Does it work?"

"It's what's kept me going"

Connor smiles at him, something off in his expression, like he's sending a silent message to Evan, or trying to, because Evan doesn't know what to do with it.

"You might wanna get one of those, a reason to keep going"

Oh, Evan realizes, he knows... he knows, and he gets it, Evan can sense it in his soul, so he's ok with him knowing.

"Would you help me?"

“Sure, why the hell not?”

Chapter Text

Fate was a bitch.

Now, Evan generally wasn’t one for swearing, but he felt it was justified in the current situation.

For a bit of context, Evan had woken up in a room he’d never been in, in the wrong house, in the wrong neighborhood, in a body that wasn’t his own. It took him a bit before his mind stopped reeling and he could make sense of what was happening.

Evan Hansen, like anyone else in the universe, had a soulmate, that meant that he would, at some point in his life, wake up in his soulmate’s body; he wondered why it was happening now, of all times.

“Wake up asshole!”

Whelp, that was reassuring.

Somehow, he managed to sit up on the stranger’s bed, feeling extremely awkward, like everything was a little too long, a little too light, the door of the room burst open revealing a very familiar face.

"Zoe?"

"How high are you?"

"Wait, that means..."

Evan ran to the other door flinging it open, which thankfully lead to a bathroom, and faced the mirror.

"Holly shit"

Sure enough he was staring at the reflection of Connor Murphy, he moved his hands only they weren't really his, and he touched his face only for the mirror to copy him, yep, this was happening.

"He's going to kill me"

Someone coughed and his head whipped in its direction, Zoe stood there staring at him.

"I'm not Connor!"

"Seriously, what did you take?"

"No, no, I'm being serious, I mean, why would I... that is to say, I don't actually know if he took anything, but I really don't think so"

Zoe blinked at him, once, twice, thrice.

"You're his soulmate..."

"I... I think so?"

"Prove it"

"I... what? How?"

"Say something he wouldn't"

"I uhm... I don't know him? How would I know what to say? And wouldn't he... wouldn't he know what to say if you asked that? Sorry, that was- sorry"

"Ok, you're not Connor"

"No"

"How do you know my name?"

"I- we go to the same school, so I... yeah"

"Oh, do I know you, the full you I guess?"

Evan bit his lip and shook his head no, because she definitely didn’t; Zoe shrugs.

“This is super weird”

“Yeah, I uh… I’d like to stay and talk, but I should probably go try to find your brother, if he’s in my body that is”

“Right, that’s probably a good call”

“Great”

“But maybe with some more clothes?”

Evan looks down, Connor slept with just a shirt and his underwear, he feels himself flushing.

“Right, could you…?”

“Oh, sure”

Zoe leaves, closing the door after herself, Evan digs into Connor’s clothes for anything clean, he’s not used to wearing such dark colors, but he had a feeling Connor would kill him if he wore anything else. He even throws on the hoodie he’s seen Connor with so often for good measure.

He wondered, if Connor was really in his body right now, how the other boy was handling it… shit! What would his mom think, oh god, that’s not going to turn out fine, is it?

He storms out of the bedroom, and finds Zoe waiting in the hallway; she guides him to the front door, and to a car.

“Do you think he went to school?”

“Not if he can help it”

“Ok, go to [I have no idea how streets work on the US and I’m not gonna pretend I do]”

Zoe doesn’t question him; she just nods and pulls away from the driveway, and follows his directions. He hopes Connor is still there.

Chapter Text

Having a crush on the hero of the town was something many people had to probably deal with. Having a crush on a classmate was also a common occurrence.

Having a crush on someone who was both of those things was hard, particularly if you, like Connor, knew that they were in fact the same person.

Even since Connor discovered Cedar’s secret identity, as the boy of his dreams, the two had become friends, which meant Connor worried; Connor wasn’t used to worrying. 

Generally his job of getting people away from danger, and protecting them while at it, kept him busy enough that he didn’t think about anything else, but when everyone was out of trouble he would be attacked by worry, so he would get himself into even more work.

Because Evan was his friend, and the two were really close by now, he worried for Connor too, but he was better at dealing with them; granted Connor wasn’t the one fighting to the death with super people, though he did risk his life saving the day in other ways. But Evan noticed how exhausted Connor had become, and tried to get him to fess up.

Caring about someone when you were a hero meant that they were in danger. But Evan had told him, during that first meal together, after the whole identity spill, that it would be ok.

“I mean, you can’t be prepared for a threat you don’t know exists”

“Are you sure you’re an Environmental major?”

“Shut up, we take English together”

Connor had smiled in amusement and Evan had rolled his eyes before smiling back. Connor was so gay.

Connor is still extremely gay, especially for smiling Evan Hansen, especially for the way Evan smiled at him, yeah, especially for that.

They’re putting their lives on the line, and one day he’ll have to say it, and that day might mean the end of everything he’s built with Evan, or the start of something good. Connor hopes for the second, but feels like the first is more likely, so he procrastinates it, finds a million and one reasons not to do it yet; he’ll run out eventually, he knows this.

Chapter Text

Evan was staring out of the balcony, watching how the city stretched before his eyes, going further and further, and then the horizon, nights like these were bittersweet.

“Do you come here very often?”

Evan jumped in place, almost slipping out but stopping himself, when he opened his eyes he saw a face very close to his and fell backwards instead.

“Whoa”

Evan groaned and sat up; the prince that had arrived today was poking through his railing. Evan blinked, once, twice, thrice, before rubbing his eyes, but the sight before him didn’t change

“Are you ok?”

Evan nodded, momentarily speechless; he watches as the other moves upwards before he jumps over the railing and joins him on the balcony. Prince Connor offers him a hand, which Evan takes because he knows he won’t be able to stand on his own.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to scare you like that”

“N-no, it’s not your fault, I’m just… jumpy”

“Still, I apologize”

Evan shrugged, but the prince seemed to be unsatisfied with this, then he got a look on his eyes. With a smile illuminating his face, Connor went back over the railing and stepped into what Evan knew to be a drop, he didn’t feel himself reaching out, but soon he was in the railing looking down at the empty ground.

“Up here”

Evan lifted his head, to find Prince Connor hovering in what looked like a fancy carpet.

“You’re flying”

“Magic carpet; let me give you a ride for… our whole relationship so far I guess”

Evan hesitated; he was curious, and kind of eager to see where the prince would take him, wanted to do something risky for the second time in his life. Connor noticed his hesitance, and moved closer with a softer smile.

“Do you trust me?”

The words rang on Evan’s head, in this position Connor was the perfect mirror image on the boy he had met in the city. Evan had thought the two looked similar back when he first met the prince, but this seemed to be the final proof; he took the hand offered to him and let Prince Connor take him away.

Chapter Text

Connor had ended up in plenty of weird places when high, but waking up in a house other than his own took the cake. The worst part? Connor hadn’t even had anything last night.

He was in a small room that he didn’t recognize, completely alone, feeling doozy. When he tried to sit up he felt an extra weight on him, it seemed to come from his left arm; when he got it out of the sheets he decided this was some extremely realistic lucid dream.

Staring at him was a white cast with his own name drawn over it like a claim. There was something to be said about Connor’s subconscious if this was the mistake he was dreaming of.

He got up, feeling odd, and looked down to see he had pajama pants; that was new. With this sense he heads towards the wardrobe, if he’s lucid dreaming that means he can change his clothes, probably, Connor doesn’t really know.

He opens the wardrobe to find an abundance of blue, the kind of clothing options of someone who was trying to go under the radar; or maybe he was basing this too much on who this wardrobe most likely belongs to. Something catches his attention in the corner of his eye and when he looks he finds a easily recognizable boy in front of him, only the image moves when Connor does and he realizes there’s a mirror attached to the back of the wardrobe’s door.

Evan Hansen stares back at Connor, only he’s a reflection, still, Connor’s tiny gay heart was not ready so see Evan like this. His hair is everywhere, which is surprising for its length, and the clothes are old, baggy in some parts but there’s a gap of skin visible that Connor has a specially hard time ignoring.

Connor’s first thought is ‘fuck he’s adorable’, his second thought is ‘shit, this isn’t a dream’. He comes to this realization because he was almost certain you couldn’t see your reflection on dreams. He takes a moment to admire the way Evan looks, eyes going everywhere, trying to get as much information as possible because he doesn’t think he’ll have another chance to see Evan, not like this; then he proceeds to let himself worry about his situation.

While Connor was busy trying to make sense of what was going on, he missed the sound of the door opening.

“Honey, are you ok?”

Connor all but jumps out of his borrowed skin, turning around to find a small-ish blonde woman that’s most likely Evan’s mom, if the resemblance is anything to go by. She seems to irradiate exhaustion and comfort in spades, Connor swallows loudly.

“Evan?”

Connor opens and closes his mouth, tempted to play pretend for this woman, but her expression changes before he can, she smiles sheepishly.

“Oh, you’re not my boy, are you?”

And Connor shakes his head no; he realizes, as she beams at him excitedly, exactly what’s going on. Apparently, the universe has decided to push Evan into the mess that is Connor’s entire existence, because he’s Evan Hansen’s soulmate.

“I ought to introduce myself; I’m Heidi Hansen, Evan’s mom”

“I figured”

“You did?”

“You… look alike”

“Right, of course”

“I’m-  I don’t think I should-  I know him, well not really, but I’ve seen him and, he’s so… maybe it’d be better If I talked to him before telling you who I am?”

The woman, Mrs. Hansen? No, she doesn’t have any wedding bands, probably Miss then; Heidi? Yeah, that was less of a hassle. Heidi beamed at him, lighting up like sky at night, and Connor didn’t know how to feel about it because he hadn’t meant for it to come out, it just… she had been staring at him with that exited expression, and Connor couldn’t help but say it; that was a scary power she had going for her.

“I am curious, but I wouldn’t want to overstep, this is between you two”

Fuck, she was amazing, and she would probably hate Connor if she met him outside of this particular context, which was a pity, because it wasn’t often that Connor liked adults honestly.

The whole situation gets ruined when there’s a loud growling noise coming from both of their stomachs, Connor blushes, Heidi chuckles.

“Breakfast it is, then”

Connor nods, still flustered, he doesn’t generally make hungry noises, that or his stomach has gotten used to his eating habits; so he thinks he’s understandably embarrassed.

Heidi leaves him so he can change, Connor grabs something he thinks Evan would wear and closes the closet, he’ll try his best not to stare, he owes Evan that much. Once dressed he leaves the room; the house is small enough that he can’t get lost, which is a good thing, considering.

Breakfast turns out to be cereal and some toast, Heidi apologizes saying that she’s been too busy to go buy groceries, so this is what they have, Connor never complains.

“It must be an odd experience, being in someone else’s body”

Connor nods as he shoves cereal into his mouth so he can’t talk. Before Heidi can ask anything else, and Connor can tell she’s weighting whether to do it or no, which, odd; there's someone ringing the bell.

Connor hurries his cereal so he can follow Heidi to the door, immensely curious. And if Connor thought waking up in Evan Hansen’s body was weird, seeing himself outside of pictures or mirrors is definitely weirder.

Zoe and whoever is in Connor’s body, probably Evan, don’t have to say anything because Heidi turns back to Connor and seems to catch on what’s happening; she lets the other two in and says something about late shifts and the number twenty. Connor turns to his soulmate, hopefully Evan, frowning.

“Why the fuck did you bring Zoe over?”

“Ok, that’s definitely Connor”

Connor glares at her.

“I uh… I can’t drive? I mean, I can, I have a license and everything, but I’m no good, and honestly it terrifies me, so I’m not sure how I got the license, and… I should shut up now”

Ok, that’s definitely Evan Hansen, good. Evan turns to Zoe, something odd in his expression.

“Do you think you could... you know”

Connor blinks at him; he wasn’t expecting that, he isn’t the only one surprised by this turn of events.

“Are you sure?”

Connor feels the anger rising in his throat but Evan glances at him and then back at Zoe before smiling tentatively.  

“It’ll be fine”

Zoe sighs, but nods, before she leaves she throws a warning glare at Connor, who flips her off. Connor lets out a loud sigh and drops into the only couch in the living room.

“So”

There’s a pause, where Evan looks everywhere but at him, when he does it seems to break whatever state he was just in.

“I’m sorry!”

Connor blinks once, twice, thrice, before asking.

“What are you apologizing for?”

“I just… we’re in each other’s bodies, and that means we’re soulmates, and you must be so disappointed, and I’m sorry”

What?

Did Evan really just say that?

Was he actually implying that Connor was the unlucky one of the two?

“Hansen, are you serious?”

“Y-yes? Why would I- why would I not be?”

“You do know who I am, right?”

“Sort of?”

“If anyone should be disappointed here it should be you”

“That’s not- not true! I- you’re…”

“A psychopath, future school shooter, resident druggie, fag, the list goes on”

Evan curls on himself, which is a really weird sight when he’s in Connor’s body, actually the whole interaction is. He mutters something under his breath and Connor snaps.

"What was that?”

“At least people know you exist!”

Evan goes pale as soon as the words leave him, Connor stands up ready to bite back, but notices the way his soulmate takes a step back, and then collapses into the ground in a ball, saying the word ‘sorry’ like a broken label.

For the very first time in his life, Connor witnesses himself having a panic attack; he goes on autopilot, knowing his body better than anyone, approaching Evan carefully before pulling him to him. He doesn’t get someone to comfort him, not really, but he still knows it’ll work, can’t explain how.

They stay like that for a while, when Evan finally goes back to breathing normally Connor pulls back somewhat; he doesn’t completely pull apart because Evan’s hands tighten around his back.

“I guess we’re both messes”

Somehow, despite everything, that brings a laugh out of Evan, so he counts it as a win.

“Are you actually… any of that? I mean, sans the psychopath part, and the school shooter… you- I don’t think you’re that bad”

Connor chuckles.

“I am both gay and do pot”

“Oh, me too, kind of… I mean! I don’t do drugs, not that there’s anything wrong with you for doing them, but I- I uh… I’m bi!”

Connor decides to ignore the drug part, like he would’ve thought Evan did that sort of stuff.

“That’s cool, I guess, makes this whole situation less of a pain”

Evan blushes, which is very noticeable now that he’s in Connor’s body; that still sends his mind reeling every time he concentrates on it.

“How long do you think it lasts?”

“It should- should last until tomorrow”

“Fuck”

“Sorry”

Connor laughs, he’s not sure what exactly is so funny about it, but he doesn’t give a fuck, much less when Evan eventually joins him. Soon they’re both laughing on the floor, no longer holding each other.

Once he regains his breath, Evan stands up and helps Connor, the cast makes getting up on his own hard. Connor pulls them both to the couch.

“Come on Hansen, let’s talk about anything else”

Evan smiles at him.

“Ok”

Chapter Text

It was in the middle of spring, sunny, with a soft wind, Connor remembers because he had opened his window to smoke. It was a quiet day.

Later, much later, when he met the person at the end of his connection, he would realize how fitting that was.

It happened because it was the break, and that meant his mom was forcing everyone to have lunch together, besides the usual family dinner. It happened because Larry always had to press Connor’s buttons, like he needed the fights to keep him breathing.

One moment Connor was screaming at Larry, the next he was on the floor, curled up in absolute pain, clutching his left arm to him. Everything hurt like hell, and it felt like someone had punched the air out of his lungs; he doesn’t remember his parents picking him up and driving him to the hospital, or the terrified expression on his sister’s face.

><><><><><><><><><><><>< 

There’s nothing wrong with him physically, and here Connor wants to stress that physically, because he’s pretty messed up otherwise; actually the physical part isn’t true either, he has very unhealthy habits and he knows it. The point here is, that there’s no reason for Connor to have suffered so much pain all of the sudden, not his own pain at least.

The doctor explains to both Connor and his mom, who has been at his bedside since he came to, the fact that Connor had been victim of his soulmate connection. You’re meant to feel your soulmate’s pain as if it were your own.

"They probably had a nasty fall"

Cynthia gasped; Connor's hand went for his arm on instinct. 

"Does it still hurt?"

"It's fading"

The doctor smiles softly.

"That means they're healing, if they were dead it would've stopped hurting immediately"

He felt relief wash over him at that... relief? What was he relieved about? He couldn't have a soulmate; a broken bone would be nothing to the destruction Connor would do to them. 

Chapter Text

It happens in succession, like watching something through a zoetrope but spinning it too slow, in the sense that he can see each movement as if it were a fixed image but at the same time it’s still happening real time; it’s an experience. Connor moves his hand, catching Evan in his grip again from where he pushed him back; which has left Evan hanging in an odd angle.

There’s a moment of silence, and he knows exactly what’s happening, and he wants to stop it, wants to tear himself away from Evan Hansen, but he can’t.

“Holy shit, oh god, oh no, are you ok? Fuck”

The words leave his mouth on their own; Connor feels helpless as he hears and feels himself become instantly soft around the other.

He pulls Evan to his feet, Evan looks at him owlishly for a few beats.

“Shit, I’m such an ass”

It’s odd, because everything in his system is telling him he feels guilty, but Connor knows it to be a lie, sort of; Connor did legitimately feel bad for pushing the boy to the ground, particularly after seeing his cast, but that’s different from the guilt he feel now. While he mentally berates himself, Evan seems to finally focus, and he reaches out to him.

“I’m ok, hey, Connor no, no, I’m fine, I promise”

It comes out in a rushed breath, but Connor still hears it; and he hates the way his chest warms at the worried tone, hates that Evan is being affected too. It would’ve been easier is it were a one-way thing.

Evan brushes a hand on his cheek smiling softly, and Connor feels himself leaning into the contact. He feels completely frustrated, and like somebody is squeezing what’s left of his heart in their fist; and he doesn’t want to acknowledge that he likes this closeness, because he’ll never have it after today. 

Since there’s no way for Connor to stop what’s happening, he forms a plan in his head; one he knows will work in this situation.

Connor moves himself closer willingly, connecting their foreheads together, the part of him that’s under the soulmate meeting influence notes that Evan’s breath hitches when he does. He takes Evan’s good hand into his own, intertwining their fingers together; just for good measure.

“Come with me”

Evan hesitates before sighing; he gives Connor a small smile.

“Ok”

Connor grins and pulls them in the direction of the nurse’s office. The thing about soulmate meetings is that they’re considered a short illness; and are excusable, as no one wants to deal with two soulmates who have just met.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Connor drives Evan to the orchard, if he’s going to have to spend the rest of the day playing lovebirds with Evan Hansen; he wants it at the very least be away from prying eyes. God knows what people at school would do if they saw the two guys at the bottom of the social ladder acting like newlyweds; Connor doesn’t even wish that kind of attention on himself, much less on Evan.

It’s weird, seeing the way Evan acts around him and knowing it to be forced, because he’s careful, and timid, and everything he expected of someone like him, so part of it is Evan’s nature, even beneath the fake feelings, but Connor doesn’t like thinking about it. Now though, Evan is busy taking in the sights; which gives Connor time to breathe.

Connor wants to censor himself, wants to render himself speechless before he spills to a person he’ll never talk to again. He won’t be seeking conversation with Evan after today, ashamed of having shown the softer side of him like this; and Evan won’t seek him, rightfully scared of the repercussion.

Evan turns back to Connor beaming, and the rays of sunlight that peek through the leaves paint him like a fantasy. Fuck it! He’s never going to get to see this again, do this, have Evan Hansen look at him like that; fuck it!

Connor decides to enjoy this, his heart will break in a few hours, but he can enjoy right now.

Connor drops Evan in his house, after the best afternoon of his life, and isn’t it the saddest fucking thing in the world that Connor’s best day is based on a lie? He says his goodbyes, and he drives away.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Tuesday morning finds Evan awake earlier than ever, getting ready for school in a hurry even though he’s not ever sure it will work. He needs to find Connor today, has been thinking non-stop about how to approach this.

Yesterday, he’d been overly aware of the time, when the lapse for the soulmate meeting ended he expected it to instantly shift back to the first interaction; what happened was the opposite. Instead of getting angry at having Evan be his soulmate, it seemed as though Connor finally relaxed, Evan attempted a few things out of curiosity that he thought would snap Connor out of it, but they were met with amusement and soft smiles. And Evan knew that for that moment it had been real, and then they had to leave the orchard and Connor’s walls had gone back up.

Evan had been too late to realize what it meant, to make sense of the fact that he’d seen the real Connor, acting freely under the impression that Evan would think it was their connection talking. Evan needed to find Connor because he couldn’t stop thinking about it, because for a moment he felt like someone could see through him and still want him; he needs to know how much of it was real.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Evan runs circles around school, chasing after someone who might not even still be there, trying to make heads or tails of where he could’ve gone; it’s when he’s ready to give up that it happens.

Evan hadn’t been paying attention, too busy drowning in the feeling of failure at not finding Connor, trying to come to terms with the fact that he would never know now; he doesn’t see where he’s going. He collides with something warm; a voice other than his own lets out a pained sound; when Evan looks up his heart stutters.

“Connor”

“Oh, it’s you”

Evan looks everywhere but at the mismatched eyes at the tone. Connor sighs and crosses his arms.

“If you’re going to bother me about yesterday then get on with it”

“Wha- no, I uh… I mean, I was looking for you to talk about what happened, but it’s not like that, I promise, I’m just- I just wanted to talk”

“Talk then”

“Right”

Evan takes a deep breath, under the piercing gaze he feels incredibly small, he thinks back to the orchard, his mind whirls at the difference between that Connor and the one standing in front of him now.

“I’m sorry!”

Connor’s entire face morphs into a half-offended half-confused frown, like he’s not sure how to react to that, so Evan spills.

“I mean, you’re tied to me, and I’m probably not what you were expecting, and it must be so disappointing to be soulmates with the school’s looser and… I’m sorry, I thought- it doesn’t matter”

Evan looks down to the ground, feeling heat on his face, he shouldn’t have sought Connor out, of course it had all been on his head, why would anyone ever like him. He feels his feet take him away from there, away from his soulmate, and he’s thankful for instinct for a whole minute before a hand stops him on his tracks.

“Hansen”

Evan refuses to turn around, to face Connor, to see what emotion is painting his face.

“What did you think?”

And that snaps something in Evan; he frees himself feeling frustration clawing at his throat.

“I thought that I finally found someone who liked me for me, for a moment you made me think I mattered to you”

“Look at me”

He closes his eyes tightly, his throat is burning.

“Evan please”

That makes him turn; Connor looks lost, a myriad of emotions storming behind his eyes, he looks shaken.

“It was me, it wasn’t fake”

Evan moves until he faces him entirely, tries to find any sign that this is a lie, he takes a tentative step forward.

“Promise?”

Connor’s face light ups, and the soft smile from the orchard comes back full force.

“Yeah, I promise”

Evan believes him.

Chapter Text

The original purpose of this fanfic was to kill time while I worked on something long term, but it’s become more than that, hasn’t it?

While I enjoy this mechanic, and all that it brought (seriously, you guys get my mind going) I know when I bit more than I can chew, and I’ve kept the ball rolling for longer than I should’ve.

Now, I still have some requests to get through, and I promise to complete all of them, but as of right now, the requests are closed.

I am doing this, because I hope to be done with everything by the end of the year. But don’t worry, despite its significance, I’m not going to abandon DEH, I’m just gonna move onto something new, and I still have to work of the long term thing I told you guys about.

As a treat, I will also include the conclusion to two of the one-shots I presented, but that will come after I’m done with the remaining requests.

Thank you for joining me on this journey.

Atte.

Skyler Ghesh

Chapter Text

It wasn’t the first time Connor was sent to the principal, and it wouldn’t be the last one. Connor had become well acquaintance with the crime and punishment system set up in educational institutions; had been participating in it for quite a while now.

It isn’t the first time he’s had company on the waiting area outside of the director’s office, nor the first time said company was crying; there was nothing that stood out from the boy, and yet…

“Hey, are you ok? Does something hurt?”

The boy shakes his head no, Connor bites his lip, he isn’t the best at comforting people, he moves from his seat to take one closer to the boy but not immediately beside him.

“Want to talk about it”

The boy mumbles something, Connor can’t hear him.

“What was that?”

“You’d make fun of me”

Connor frowns, sure he has a reputation, and he isn’t the best person out there, but he likes to think he’s at least decent enough not to make fun of someone else’s pain. Before he can bite back, however, the boy speaks out again.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry, that sounded so bad, I didn’t mean… I just, it’s stupid”

“If you’re gonna cry about it then it can’t be that stupid”

The boy looks up at that, moves his head quickly like he wants to retort to Connor, and then he freezes. Recognition, that’s what paints the boy’s face, and for a moment Connor deals with the fact that the other hadn’t known who he was until this point; that puts things into perspective.

His mind reels trying to put a name to a face, attempting to know anything about the boy sitting at his side. He’s seen him, seen his figure more times than he realized, he knows him and doesn’t all at once.

“Connor?”

Connor swallows, tries to push away the voice in his head telling him exactly why he’s so easy to name.

“Yeah… Evan, right?”

The boy, Evan, becomes flustered and starts nodding.

“Y-yes”

Connor nods, unsure what else to do.

“Well, we have time”

“I… it’s really just nothing”

Connor gives him a pointed glare; Evan shifts in his seat and sighs. As the other talks about why he had ended up here, a case of bad timing and the inability to speak up, Connor decides he has a nice voice, when it isn’t trembling of rushing out of him.

Evan goes on, and the further he does the more confidence his words acquire, and his hands start moving, and his face morphs into one of frustration and resignation in spades; Connor is transfixed, watching as the boy changes before his eyes. It’s awe-inspiring, how Evan lets his walls crumble down with such ease, like he trusts him; and Connor makes a silent bow not to tell a soul what he’s witnessing.

There’s something to be said about the myriad of emotions Connor feels when he notices the glow, and how his own chest matches it. Evan trails off, as if aware of Connor’s lapse of attention, and turns to him questioning only to freeze again.

“Oh”

Connor looks up at him, and this close he can see that his eyes are greener than blue unlike he had first thought. There’s a hint of relief wrapped around the stream of thoughts that cross those eyes, and Connor doesn’t know what to do with himself when he feels his heart stutter at it.

The secretary speaks up, telling them that the principal will see them now, Connor tells her they’ll be there in a second; then, with a rush of necessity, he takes out his phone.

“Can I- can I have your number”

“Yes, I mean, yeah, sure”

Connor doesn’t smile, not really, but his expression softens noticeably, and Evan does give him a small smile as he takes his own phone out. Connor decides he has a nice smile too.

Chapter Text

The sad thing wasn’t the acute pain in Evan’s wrists, or what its burning bite meant, but the fact that not only has this become common occurrence, but it isn’t even Evan’s own pain.

Soulmates are complicated, they’re the one soul you would recognize amongst millions, but you have to be proficient in the subtle signs of your own soul, the better you know yourself the more likely you are to find them. Evan has gotten comfortable in the knowledge that he will most likely not; comfortable is the wrong word, at times like this, when his arms ache and are painted with angry lines of red, he wants nothing more than to know his soulmate, to be there for the person at the end of his connection.

The cuts aren’t the only thing Evan feels from his soulmate, actually he can feel all of the other’s pain as though it were his own, so sometimes he gets the usual things, hits from being clumsy, sometimes his knuckles hurt like they’ve recently had a close encounter with concrete, sometimes his cheeks stung or his throat burns; but the cuts are nearly routine-ry. There’s something to be said about Evan’s soulmate there, but then there would also be something to be said about Evan for being tempted to imitate them; if only on the off chance it works for him too.

The only way to cut the connection if for one of them to die, Evan’s soulmate had gotten pretty close a few times, Evan knew because his mom was a nurse and she taught him how to tell the difference between healing and dying. Evan didn’t know if his own failure had affected his soulmate further than alerting them of Evan’s existence; as he had been careful not to harm himself too noticeably before.

Dr. Sherman told him he was subconsciously trying to push his soulmate away, the therapist couldn’t understand why Evan would do such a thing, and Evan wasn’t going to answer with anything other than a ‘I’m scared’, even if there’s more to it than that. Evan is broken, he doesn’t deserve a soulmate, they would get tired of him; truly, Evan was doing both of them a favor.

Only, now his soulmate definitely knew he existed, there’s no way they don’t considering Evan’s casted arm; and what if they seek Evan out? What if his soulmate wants to find their soulmate? How disappointed they would be when they found Evan at the end of their connection.

He procrastinates going to school, not at his home like he would’ve wanted to, but at a park nearby so to avoid his mom knowing. When his thoughts finally convince him to get up and complete the rest of the walk, he does so with his eyes glued to the ground.

There exists a theory that a single minimal action can change the entire outcome of a situation, Evan hadn’t stepped on any butterflies, but his time at the park meant he arrived later than usual, his refusal to look up meant that he didn’t see where he was going; that changed everything. Can you really say something changed if you don’t know it did?

Evan collides against someone, which sends him into a stream of apologies before it puts him in the floor; when he looks up thinking he’s talking to the air, which, happens a lot to Evan, he finds Connor Murphy staring at him dumbfounded.

There’s a beat where both of them remain motionless, just looking at each other, then Connor’s eyes fall on Evan’s cast and he winces, before offering him a hand.

“Th-thanks, I’m really, truly, sorry”

“Don’t mention it”

Evan takes a moment before he realizes he’s still holding Connor’s hand and drops it like it burned him; he does a short but noticeable nod and walks away, not noticing the way Connor’s hand goes to his own left arm in phantom pain or how he matches the movement.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^

Connor isn’t sure what he’s doing. When the pain on his arm dulled to a bearable ache he had made up his mind to avoid anyone with broken arms, so why was he looking for Evan Hansen?

When the shorter boy bumped into him and fallen Connor had a moment where he was almost sure he felt the collision on his own ass; and when Evan put a hand over his cast while walking away, Connor felt his own hand copying the motion. He told himself that he was merely making sure this was it, so he could match a face to a feeling; but that didn’t make sense, Connor should be avoiding Evan altogether.

His feet carry him to the computer lab, and he’s somewhat amazed when he sees Evan there, in his stupor he trips and falls unceremoniously to the ground; the sound makes Evan turn and Connor is hard pressed to tell if his pained expression is out of sympathy or him actually sharing Connor’s pain.

“Are you… are you ok?”

Connor groans and gets back on his feet.

“Yeah, just perfect”

Evan looks like he doesn’t believe him, and Connor tries not to jump to conclusions.

“What happened to your arm?”

Evan blinks at him, obviously taken aback by the sudden question.

“I uh… fell from a tree”

“Seriously?”

Evan bites his lip and nods, Connor drops into one of the nearby chairs. For a moment he swears he sees a familiar look flash through Evan’s eyes, it’s enough to swallow the comment he was going to make, change it for something else.

“Why were you up a tree?”

“I uh… I was an ap-apprentice ranger during the summer, and I worked around trees a lot so I just… I didn’t- I wasn’t working at the moment but I just- just wanted a different perspective?”

“So, at what point did you decide to jump?”

Evan splutters, trying to deny it, but Connor gives him a pointed look and his façade breaks.

“H-how?”

Connor pulls his sleeve up, this is the moment, and he keeps an eye on Evan’s reaction.

“You’re not the only one dancing on the edge Hansen”

Evan’s casted hand moves to his free arm instinctively, Connor watches him swallow, eyes lit with recognition. Evan looks up, eyes meeting Connor’s, a million thoughts fly behind them.

“You… are you- did your soulmate break their arm?”

His hand flies to his left arm, he knew it.

“Does yours cut?”

Evan nods; Connor doesn’t know what to make of it, and he should get away, wipe himself from Evan Hansen’s life, because there’s no way he isn’t Connor’s soulmate, all the signs point to him. Instead he does something stupid.

“No one’s signed your cast”

“I uh… no”

“Here, I’ll do it”

“You don’t have to-“

“Do you have a sharpie?”

Evan nods and pulls one out of his bag, Connor takes it and the takes Evan’s arm, they both wince in synchrony when Connor pulls too harshly, like he needed any more proof.

“Sorry”

He writes his name in big bold letters, and adds his number as Evan’s phone starts ringing; he lets go and stands up.

“You should answer that”

“Right”

Connor gathers his stuff and gives Evan a sharp nod before leaving the room without another word.

By the time Connor’s already in his car, ready to leave the school’s building his phone vibrates

From Unknown:

Hi, this is Evan

You left me your number?

You:

I know

Now we can both pretend we have friends

Connor has no idea what he’s doing, but he decides he’ll see where it gets him.

Chapter Text

It’s a fountain nearly shrouded in darkness, the only light comes from the soft blue glow the fountain emits; it means that in this particular point you can see some of the stars, it means that when Connor gets there the single other human shape is illuminated in a combination of silver and light blue.

His breath is coming out in short puffs, and he watches as the person checks their watch and then turns just as the fountain flares up. It lasts only a few moments, but it’s enough for them to see each other, they’re both in full tuxes, but Connor probably looks fairly more disheveled.

An alarm sound breaks their staring, and even though Connor can’t make the other’s features anymore, he still sees the way they sag as if disappointed. There’s a beat as the fountain flares once more and Connor makes sense of what’s happening; neither of them knew what the other looked like.

“Cedar”

Codenames are built exactly for this reason, for the off chance they have to identify one another without alerting civilians; it’s a random word to blurt out without context, there are no cedar trees in the vicinity, or any kind of tree for that matter, the fountain is placed just outside the area covered in street lights, which is poor planning on someone’s part, or tailor made for spies. As Connor decides which of the two is most likely, the other person whirls around.

“Nightshade?”

Connor grins; finally, luck was on his side.

-... --- -. ..- ... / -.-. --- -. - . -. -

Evan followed the stranger who claimed to be Nightshade into the light, adrenaline and excitement rushing through his veins. The street lights gave the other sharp shadows, but Evan would’ve considered them beautiful regardless.

There’s something dangerous about him, like looking at an ornate weapon, beautiful but not because of that any less deadly. And it’s easy, it’s extremely easy to see the signs of the spy Evan has become borderline obsessed with in the person standing in front of him; despite never having seen the other before, there’s no doubt in Evan’s mind that they are exactly who they claim to be.

There’s a beat of silence, green-blue eyes meeting mismatched ones.

“I’m… you can call me Evan”

“Evan?”

He nods.

“Evan Hansen”

Nightshade extends a hand, but when Evan takes it instead of shaking it he brings it to his lips.

“Connor, Connor Murphy”

Evan is sure he’s completely flustered, but right now, with Nightshade, no, Connor, looking at him like that; he finds it hard to care.

Chapter Text

They go to a café called Fable, the inside is decorated to look as if stuck in time, the speakers play some instrumental music that Evan can’t pinpoint, but it’s good for the kind of environment. He thinks, for a moment, that it would be fun to dance to.

They strike soft conversation, exchanging common and uncommon questions, getting to know each other.

The years as a professional dancer have made a strong dent in Evan’s anxiety, in the sense that he’s much better at handling it nowadays, less likely to go under from short interactions with strangers. It helps being with someone, particularly when Evan can barely keep his eyes away from said someone.

There’s a sort of giddy energy that has clutched to them since they found each other in the theatre’s doorway; filling the air around them as they speak. Free hands slowly inching closer, and soft smiles over hot drinks.

It’s very tentative, the way most things are when they’re this new, but their fingers eventually tangle together, and their eyes meet unabashedly, and it’s bright like few things are. By the end of the night Connor drives Evan home, even though the dancer doesn’t live all that far away; and there’s an exchange of numbers and a moment of bravery as Evan tiptoes to give Connor a parting kiss on the cheek; he’s behind his closed door before he can see the aftermath of his actions.

Connor doesn’t stop smiling even when he gets to his own house. 

Chapter Text

Connor looked around the room in amazement.

“I wasn’t aware students were allowed this much greenery”

“Well… make yourself comfortable while I get my books”

Connor looks around again.

“Where?”  

It takes Evan a bit to find his books, what does take a lot of time is cleaning his desk of the potted plants that sit in it.

“I get the feeling your major was biology”

“Something like that”

“You could’ve followed that path, you know?”

“I already told you why I’m here”

“Right, you’re an idiot”

“I’m in love”

“Same difference really”

“You’re such a charmer”

Connor chuckled; he was liking this snarky side of Evan Hansen. Evan finally finishes and places the books on the table.

“Well then, let’s get down to business, shall we?”

[November 2018]

“B-bye Jared… happy thanks giving”

Connor watches him linger in the doorway for a minute while he nurses a can of red bull.

The moment Evan stops being a lovesick fool, Connor begins quizzing him on the material they have learned so far; he notes the boy’s answers are slightly more sure, and that he’s moving around the room moving stuff.

“Where are you going?”

“Home? It’s thanksgiving break”

Connor raises an eyebrow, Evan falters.

“What?”

Connor leans back in the chair, still holding the expression.

“Can you stop your whole I’m smarter than you spiel and just tell me what you’re thinking”

“Oh nothing, I’m sure you’ll do just fine in your exams”

“Yeah?”

“Probably a low passing grade”

“That’s unfair!”

“It’s what happens when you don’t prepare in time”

Evan bristles for a full moment, which Connor watches almost transfixed; it’s good to know the boy is human beneath all the pleasant smiles and quiet attitude. Then Evan sags and drops into his bed, pulling his book out of his bag.

“Fine, you’re right, like always”

[December 2018]

“Bye Jared, happy Hanukah”

Trevor shifts the cards on his hands as Evan closes the door.

“Ok now, focus Ev, focus”

Evan is really lucky to have befriended Trevor; the hairdresser is going out of his way to help him. Actually, Evan isn’t sure when their friendship happened, but he likes the way it works.

Trevor is really good at complimenting Evan when he gets something right, they’ve just gone through a few questions when Connor comes in. Trevor gasps immediately, and mutters something about hair, which Evan gets because Connor has a really pretty mane.

“I can come later”

“No, no, Trevor was just leaving”

"Would you let me play with your hair?"

"And that's enough of you"

Evan drags him to the door, Trevor makes the universal motion for 'call me' before he's shoved outside and Evan closes the door.

"I'm sorry about him, he's a hairdresser"

"Right, I think you've mentioned him"

"Likely"

"So uhm... I brought you something"

Connor pulls the wrapped gift out, feeling a rush of nerves pass through him, no backing down now.

"Since you're not going home for the holydays, I figured..."

Evan takes the packet, face full of wonder, and Connor feels his words abandon him, swallowing as Evan opens it. As he sees the book his face morphs into a smile, and Connor feels his heart stutter; Evan turns to him.

"This is... how- where did you even get it?"

"I found it  on a bookshop I like to go to, and since you like trees..."

Evan beams at him, and Connor's heart does a fucking pirouette at the sight, but he manages to smile back.

"This is wonderful, thank you"

Evan pulls him to a hug, which makes Connor feel really warm for a second and then the door opens to Jared Kleinman.

“Hey Evan, have you seen Giselle”

“I uh… s-sure”

Jared gives him an expectant look, Evan seems to realize what he said.

“I meant no”

“Great, we’re gonna miss the flight”

Connor watches him exit the room, leaving a dazed Evan in his wake.

"You do realize that whenever you're in the same room as Kleinman your IQ drops down to 40?"

"Wha?"

"Ok, maybe less"

Evan shoves him playfully, Connor feels warmth spreading over him from there.

"Rude"

His tone is offended, but his smile gives him away, Connor licks his suddenly dry lips and pushes.

"I'm being serious"

Evan makes a motion indicating he can go on.

"It's like you're being blocked by the guy you're trying to impress"

"Oh... oh!"

Evan now has a wide grin on his face, forming dimples on his checks; Connor is unsure how to feel about it.

"Ok..."

"I just... oh god, the epiphany I just had"

Connor raises an eyebrow at him.

"If I stop paying him attention he'll come to me, and I can concentrate on getting Arber's internship!"

Evan moves his hands as he speaks, exited gleam in his eyes, something awful coils around Connor's throat, but he can't name it.

"Sure"

He makes an effort to smile, Evan beams back at him, unnoticing, it's better like that.

"Come on, we have work to do!"

Connor catches himself, and manages a more enthusiastic tone.

"Yes sir"

--. -. -.- .-. -.-. --- .- -- .-. -.. -… ..- …- --- -- - --

Connor sees Evan leave the exam room looking astonished.

“I won”

“What?”

Evan turns to him, smiling bright and wide.

“I won the case!”

His whole face seems to illuminate as it morphs into an expression of pride and... victory; that's what it is, Evan Hansen looks like he just won the world; Connor's heart does a pirouette inside his ribcage, like it knows what awaits it; Connor is headed for heartbreak.

The sad part is that he's ok with it, if anyone's going to utterly destroy him, then there's a part of him that likes the fact that It will be Evan; something possessive in the notion. It's a weird thing to think about, a painful thing; so Connor shoves it and the feelings as far down as he can.