Chapter Text
They say it's what you make, I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul, I need to let you go
Your eyes, they shine so bright, I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now unless you show me how
“I love you.”
The words were easy to say. Hoseok trailed small, gentle circles on Yoongi’s hip as he whispered these words into the older’s ear. They were spooning on Yoongi’s bed after Hoseok had so rudely interrupted Yoongi’s task of brewing their morning coffee. Not that Hoseok minded; he’d much rather have his boyfriend in his arms than a cup of the dark, bitter liquid which he didn’t particularly care for. But he knew Yoongi did, and he considered getting up and making up for his rudeness by preparing the older a cup. He eventually decided against it, instead snuggling closer to his hyung and kissing just below the other’s ear.
“I really, really love you.”
Yoongi chuckled.
“I love you too, Hobi. I really, really do.”
Hoseok squealed and smiled into Yoongi’s shoulder. He wasn’t surprised by the words; he’d heard them many times before. Still, it didn’t make hearing them now any less sweet.
Hoseok let his hand slide down his boyfriend’s stomach. He would have loved to have Yoongi again, or let Yoongi have him, either way, but he knew they were both spent. He only hoped feeling good with him had managed to distract the older from whatever demons he was battling in his mind.
Hoseok knew how uncomfortable Yoongi could get sometimes. Yoongi never talked about it, but Hoseok knew. He’d pieced it together from the few times Yoongi had let his anxiety and self-loathing show through the tough exterior he tried to put up, so much so that over time Hoseok had started to see through the façade even when the walls came up again. He saw how much his hyung, his best friend, his lover, was suffering. He only wished he could help, to let Yoongi know that he didn’t care about whatever Yoongi feared would tear Hoseok away, that he’d love Yoongi no matter what. But Hoseok also knew that he couldn’t save Yoongi unless the other allowed himself to be saved.
So Hoseok waited. He was patient.
He was good at that; was able to put out the fires when Seokjin blew up, bring Namjoon back when he was drowning in his own mind, calm Yoongi when his blood boiled, and restore order when the maknae line misbehaved or decided to try and destroy each other. He was the hope, the sunshine of the group. He knew his role, accepted it, enjoyed it even. But Yoongi’s wounds ran so deep that even Hoseok’s sunshine couldn’t reach the furthest corners of that darkness. Hoseok understood that, but it pained him to know that he couldn’t will his hyung to heal, couldn’t convince him that he wouldn’t be left alone. Hoseok could see how scared Yoongi was whenever he felt not good enough, and the dancer didn’t know how to rid the other of his fears. So Hoseok waited, patiently working to let his boyfriend know at every turn how much he was treasured, how ready and willing Hoseok was to accept any and all of the older’s faults and insecurities if only he’d be given the chance.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Hoseok whispered as he noticed Yoongi curling in himself, both mentally and physically; he’d been doing that a lot today. The older jerked, seeming to have been lost in thought, before chuckling.
“What would I do with a penny? We don’t even use those.”
Hoseok huffed.
“Fine, a won then.”
“That buys me nothing.”
“Are you seriously haggling with me right now?”
Hoseok tried to sound annoyed but it came off as amused more than anything. He kissed his boyfriend’s shoulder before getting serious again.
“Alright, anything. I’ll give you anything. Just talk to me. Please.”
Hoseok could feel Yoongi tensing under his touch, instinctively trying to pull away, but Hoseok didn’t let him. Instead, he tightened his hold, pulling Yoongi’s back against his chest.
“I love you, hyung, I’ll always love you. I’ll never leave you. No matter what. I promise. Don’t be afraid, I’m here, I’ll always be here with you,” he assured.
There was a moment of silence before Yoongi let out a small noise. It took Hoseok a moment to recognise it as a sob. He immediately wrapped his arms more securely around the older, kissing his nape.
“Shh, baby, I’m here. It’s alright. I love you,” Hoseok whispered.
Yoongi was shaking, small whimpers leaving his lips as he tried to keep from crying. Hoseok wanted to turn his boyfriend around, to kiss away the sorrow, fear or whatever it was that was making Yoongi so miserable, but he also knew how much Yoongi hated to be seen crying, so he settled for holding his boyfriend and whispering soothing words into his ear.
Yoongi didn’t know what it was that broke him. Maybe it was the tiredness, or the fact that he was already feeling bad thanks to the hangover, or maybe it was the softness of Hoseok’s voice and the acceptance his words offered, or the fear that sprung up in Yoongi’s heart at the thought of letting the other close. All he knew was that he was scared. He was scared of letting Hoseok see him, because he was sure that Hoseok would be disgusted by what he’d see, would eat all his pretty words of comfort and assurance and leave.
Yes, Yoongi was positive that then Hoseok would inevitably leave him, and there would be nothing he could do to stop it.
Before Yoongi realised it, he’d delved so deep into his own mind again that he stopped recognising his self-sabotage; all he could think of was Hoseok leaving him, and he felt like maybe he should just cut the crap and let Hoseok go before the dancer had time to realise what a huge mistake he’d made by choosing Yoongi. He felt like he had been so selfish keeping such a gentle, beautiful, pure-hearted person to himself. He didn’t think he deserved Hoseok, didn’t deserve the love or the light he received from the other on the daily, wasn’t worth the trouble Hoseok must have been going to in order to help Yoongi endure himself. And the more Hoseok showered him with love, the worse he felt; the more the dancer whispered soothingly into Yoongi’s ear, the more the rapper felt like he was soiling something beautiful by holding on. It seemed like the very words meant to bring him back were in fact giving him proof of how he didn’t deserve the gentle, precious person that was Hoseok.
Somewhere deep inside Yoongi realised he was making a choice, but somehow he still felt like it was inevitable, not a choice at all but fate, like he was bound to lose Hoseok, and maybe it was better to do so sooner than later.
“I’m sorry, Hoseok, I’m so sorry. I just- I don’t deserve you. You’re too good for someone like me, so... M-maybe we shouldn't, anymore. I’m sorry,” Yoongi choked out. Hoseok froze, staring at the older’s shoulder incredulously.
“Wait, what? What are you saying?” the dancer blurted, dumbfounded. Yoongi wasn't making much sense but somehow Hoseok understood.
“I’m too messed up for someone like you. You’re gorgeous, you’re perfect, and I’m everything but,” Yoongi tried to explain as he fought the tears.
Hoseok stared at Yoongi’s shoulder for a moment before suddenly turning the older on his back, pinning him to the bed and climbing on top of him. He stared at the older for a moment before leaning down and kissing him fiercely. Yoongi let out a surprised sound. Hoseok pulled away – by an inch – just as Yoongi was sure he’d pass out from the lack of oxygen.
“Stop being an idiot, hyung. I’m not perfect. I’m far from it. But I love you. I’ll always love you. Don’t you dare doubt that for one second,” the younger hissed before diving in for another heated kiss. Yoongi couldn’t decide whether Hoseok sounded angry, or wounded - or both, or neither - but he didn’t doubt the fire in the other’s heart. He did, however, doubt his own ability to be worthy of the other; he doubted it very much.
But he had a hard time concentrating, what with Hoseok kissing him, keeping him pinned under him, grinding on him, biting his lip.
“Hoseok, this isn’t- we shouldn’t, this isn’t the time...” Yoongi tried to get one coherent sentence out of his mouth but it was proving a rather difficult task.
“This is exactly the fucking time, hyung,” Hoseok bit out, and Yoongi was startled; Hoseok didn’t swear. Ever. He joked about it, sure, but he never actually did it. Except now.
Before Yoongi had time to think about it any futher, Hoseok attacked the skin on his neck, biting and sucking, hard. Yoongi moaned involuntarily as he placed his hands on the younger’s chest. He meant to push the other away but suddenly found all the strength gone from his arms. Nevertheless, Hoseok relented. He lay on top of Yoongi, breathing hard, resting his head on the other’s forehead.
“Okay,” the dancer breathed, “Okay. I’ll stop.”
Yoongi sighed, not sure whether it was from relief or disappointment. He felt his own body betraying him, making it very clear he had been quite into the direction things had been progressing. But this really wasn’t the time.
“I’m sorry,” Yoongi whispered, “I just-”
“Stop,” Hoseok interrupted him,” Stop apologising. Why do you apologise so much? You’ve done nothing wrong.”
Yoongi sighed again, not knowing what to say. He felt fresh tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. He thought for a moment before speaking again.
“I don't know, really. It’s just... I feel like I should be this great, amazing person, but I can’t. I keep failing at every turn, and I just want to let you, and everyone, know that I know I’m failing, I know I’m not what you’re expecting, what I should be, and I’m trying so hard but I just can’t-”
Yoongi was cut off by Hoseok’s lips crashing on his. By the time the younger pulled away again, Yoongi was gasping for air.
“Do I seriously need to kiss you breathless just to keep your mind from running away with you?” Hoseok whispered against the other’s lips. Yoongi couldn’t answer.
“Look, hyung, you don’t need to be anything else than yourself. That’s all. I know you’re not perfect. And I certainly don’t expect you to be that. I expect you to be human. I love you nevertheless. I love all of you. Everything, scars and all. And so do the others. And ARMY. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be you. I’ll still love you. Always. And when you get scared, or feel less than, I’ll be here. We’ll get through it together. You’re not alone, hyung, ever again,” Hoseok whispered and sealed his promise with a kiss.
“How can you be so positive all the time?” Yoongi breathed, smiling even as tears rolled onto his cheeks. Hoseok laughed brightly, kissing his tears away.
“I’m not. I get tired too. You know that. But I have you. And the rest of Bangtan. I let things out every now and then. You should try it sometimes, hyung.”
Yoongi snorted. He didn’t think Hoseok had even an inkling of what a monumental task that would be. Before he had the chance to voice his thought, however, Hoseok was kissing him again. Yoongi found he quite liked the dancer’s way of shutting him up. This time the kiss wasn’t heated, urgent, brutal, but gentle and languid. After a while Hoseok pulled away, still resting his forehead on the older’s.
“If only you could see how amazing you are, and how much I love you, hyung. I keep trying to show you, but I don’t know how. Hence my, ehm, maybe slightly misplaced attack on you just now.”
Yoongi chuckled.
“Hey, I didn’t mind the attack per se, it’s just- I’m a mess right now. More than usual, that is. It’s not very sexy.”
“You’re always sexy to me, hyung. And hot. And fuckable. And kissable. And lovable. Whether you’re a mess or not. And I want you to know that, always. But it seemed like my words weren’t cutting it, so I wanted to show you in action how much I love you and, you know, I was thinking if I keep loving you, maybe it’ll rub off on you.”
Yoongi smirked. He knew Hoseok was being sweet but he couldn’t help his brain making the wrong connections and taking the wrong turns.
“So, what you're saying is, basically you thought you could fuck me into loving myself?”
Hoseok stared at him blankly.
“That’s not- how did you- Okay, that’s funny, but I refuse to laugh because we’re supposed to be having a serious conversation.”
Yoongi poked his tongue out and ended up accidentally licking Hoseok’s lips due to their close proximity. Without hesitation, Hoseok licked him back. Yoongi chuckled.
“Can’t we tongue wrestle instead? I don’t like serious,” he whispered. His voice was light but there was a hint of pleading in the tone.
“Yeah, I’ve noticed. Unless it’s just you and your thoughts,” Hoseok whispered back.
“I don’t like it then, either. But the thoughts, they just come and I get stuck with them, like in a dark room with no door. And they’re really convincing, Hoseok. Like, you have no idea. They just rummage through my brain and taint everything, and I mean everything, and they just- they just-“
Yoongi gestured helplessly. He was frustrated; he was finally sharing, but his words were failing him.
Hoseok leaned down, effectively trapping Yoongi’s arms between their chests.
“Shh, baby, it’s okay. There’s no hurry, take your time. I’m here, I’m right here,” the dancer whispered before pecking the older’s lips lightly. Yoongi’s breath shuddered as he breathed out.
“There’s so much you don’t know, Hoseok. So many mistakes I’ve made, so many moments I’m not proud of, so many things I wish so hard I could change. I’m useless, I’m so utterly useless, and-“
Hoseok kissed him.
“You’re not useless. Not even a little. Not now, not ever,” Hoseok whispered sweetly as he pulled away. Yoongi made to speak again, but Hoseok interrupted him.
“And yeah, you’ve made mistakes, so what? So have we all. It’s called being human, hyung. And maybe there are things I don’t know, but I’d like to. When you’re ready to tell me, I’ll listen. And it’s not like you know everything about me, either.”
“Well, yeah, I know. But I’d like to, too. And I’m not like this all the time, you know, but sometimes the thoughts just decide to remind me of what a waste of space I am and-“
Hoseok kissed him again.
“Not a waste of space, hyung. This world would be a terrible place if you weren’t in it. Every last bit of you is important, not a waste.”
Yoongi blushed. He was confused; he felt good and loved and warm and guilty and sad and embarrassed, all at the same time. He hadn’t even realised how much he’d needed to hear everything Hoseok was saying, yet he felt guilty that Hoseok needed to say them in the first place.
“I’m sorry I’m like th-“
Hoseok kissed him. When he pulled away, Yoongi stared at him, blinking.
“You gonna do that every time?”
Hoseok grinned.
“Yup.”
“You do realise you’re going to have to kiss me a whole lot? I’m a fucking mess and-“
Hoseok kissed him.
“I know, hyung. I know your wounds run deep. But don’t worry, I’m prepared. I’ll kiss you until those pesky little thoughts leave you alone. I’ll kiss you until the world ends if I need to. And then I’ll kiss you some more.”
Yoongi’s blush deepened. Hoseok cooed.
“God, baby, you have no idea how cute you look like that. You’re so gorgeous, so beautiful. I can’t believe how lucky I am that you’re mine,” Hoseok whispered as he swiped his thumb over Yoongi’s cheek. The dancer’s eyes were blazing, and Yoongi didn’t know where to look.
“Stop calling me baby,” the rapper muttered; it was all he could think to say. Hoseok chuckled.
“Shut up, you like it.”
“I’m still your hyung.”
“Not when you’re under me, looking all cute and small like that.”
“Brat.”
Hoseok threw his head back and laughed, before trapping Yoongi’s lips again, this time in a deeper kiss. Then he pulled away, climbed off of Yoongi and settled back to his place behind the older, holding the rapper to his chest.
“Seriously though. Next time those thoughts come, talk to me. I’ll tell them to fuck off. I’ll counter every one of them. You don’t have to deal with them alone,” the dancer spoke softly, nuzzling his boyfriend’s neck. Yoongi hummed.
“There’s a lot of them, though,” he said hesitantly.
“Mm, I know. I don’t care, I’ll drive every single one of them away. You’re worth it. You’re worth everything. I’ll do anything for you. I love you, hyung.”
Yoongi felt tears in the corners of his eyes again.
“I love you too, Hoseok.”