Chapter Text
He's not quite sure how he ended up here. He's really not. But over the next few weeks, Remus ends up spending quite a lot of time with Sirius. They take Harry to see a movie together; they go to the playground again; they even hang out at Sirius's apartment a few times. Sometimes Sirius texts him out of the blue, about something cute Harry just did, or something funny he saw on Twitter, or whatever - and they have some proper conversations. Remus kind of feels like he must be in a really, really good dream.
Now, granted, it's not completely ideal that they're with Harry every time they hang out. It's not that Remus doesn't like Harry, or doesn't enjoy being around him - he is, after all, a ridiculously cute baby, and it's very difficult not to be enamoured by him. It's just, you know, Remus feels weird hitting on Sirius in front of a baby. (Disregarding that there's no way Remus would be able to successfully hit on Sirius in the first place.)
He's never been interested in anyone with a kid before, though, or hung out with someone who has a kid. So he's not really sure what the rules are around hanging out without kids, or what the etiquette might be to ask. So he doesn't mention it. It's not that big of a deal anyway. He just kind of... daydreams about spending time alone with Sirius (these daydreams usually involve Remus being a LOT smoother than he really is, and are not always PG-13) instead of bringing it up.
Not to mention, he still hasn't managed to ask about Harry. It definitely does seem that Harry lives with Sirius, and Remus hasn't noticed evidence that another adult lives in the apartment the few times he's been over. But all that that rules out is Sirius being a babysitter. Remus still has no idea what's actually going on.
There's one morning, almost a month after Sirius and Harry first came into the bookstore, where Remus gets a text from Sirius as he's leaving for work, asking him if he wants to come over when he's finished his shift. Remus's stomach erupts into butterflies, and he sends back a yes immediately - probably fast enough that it should be embarrassing. Then he spends his whole day all distracted, which is not ideal when the shop is actually kind of busy for once.
The second time that Remus had been over to Sirius's apartment, Sirius had told him that he could just let himself in, and he's done so every time since. That's what he does when he gets to Sirius's place after he closes the shop. However, normally there's noise inside the apartment - the sounds of Harry playing or Sirius's record player or something. This time, the apartment is silent and kind of dark.
With a frown on his face, Remus toes his shoes off in the entryway and, instead of calling for Sirius, walks cautiously into the living room. He figures maybe Harry is napping or something. But the second he walks enters the room, he stops in his tracks, and his heart plummets into his stomach.
Sirius is lying on his back on the couch, Harry sprawled out on his chest. Harry appears to have dozed off; his little hands are curled into Sirius's shirt, and he's drooling onto his chest. One of Sirius's hands is resting on Harry's back, too gently to be holding him firmly in place, but enough to stop him rolling or falling. It would be a sweet moment to walk in on - except that Sirius's other hand is pressed over his face, and he is sobbing quietly.
For a long moment, Remus stands there frozen. He doesn't know what to do - should he say something? Should he leave as quietly as possible? Honestly, his first instinct is that he should probably leave Sirius alone. They barely know each
other, really, and Remus doesn't want to intrude or pry. But the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes he can't bring himself to leave Sirius alone like this.
He clears his throat, and Sirius makes this abortive movement, like he'd been about to bolt upright but stopped himself. He looks at Remus, his eyes puffy and his cheeks red, and there's so much shame and embarrassment in his expression that Remus kind of wants to cry himself.
"Fuck." Sirius's voice is all choked, and he uses his free hand to scrub at his face. "God damn it. I lost track of time, I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Remus says softly, walking closer. Harry stirs a little, but doesn't wake. "Do you... Can I... look, let me take Harry to his crib, okay?"
Sirius hesitates, his fingers tightening against Harry's onesie. But then he looks down at him and sighs, drops his hand onto the couch, and nods at Remus to go ahead.
Remus carefully, carefully lifts Harry off of Sirius's chest; once again, he stirs but doesn't wake. He makes this little snuffling noise against Remus's neck that's so adorable that Remus can't help but smile. But Sirius looks like he's about to start crying again, so Remus decides he needs to move faster.
He takes Harry into Sirius's bedroom and puts him into his crib. Harry, thankfully, doesn't wake up. As soon as he's sure that Harry is, at least for now, going to stay asleep, he heads back out to the living room.
Sirius is sitting up now, but he's curled over, his head in his hands. Remus's heart aches a little at the sight of him. He wants to go over and hug him, or at least put a comforting hand on his shoulder, or something, but he's really not sure what would be appropriate or whether Sirius would be comfortable with it. Instead, he sits down next to him on the couch, keeping a little space between them.
"He was asking for his dad," Sirius whispers before Remus even has a chance to ask what happened. "And... and normally I can handle it, kind of, but he just... he wouldn't stop crying, and I couldn't - I can't -"
His hands are trembling, and his voice is starting to wobble again. So Remus opens his mouth to say something kind, something comforting, wanting to make him feel a little better. Instead, what comes out is, "You're not his dad?"
He wants to punch himself in the god damn face. Seriously. He deserves it. He's been trying to build himself up to ask about Harry for weeks and he finally gets it out now?
He braces himself to be told to get the hell out of Sirius's apartment, and possibly to never contact him again. It doesn't come, though. When he can finally bring himself to look at Sirius again, he's biting down hard on his lip; he looks as though it's taking all of his strength not to completely fall to pieces. Once again, Remus can't help himself. He puts a hand on Sirius's back, and Sirius freezes for a moment before crumpling against Remus's shoulder.
"I'm his godfather," he explains quietly, as Remus, almost on pure instinct, wraps an arm around him. "His dad was my best friend. They... his parents, they died about six months ago."
Cold horror slides its way down Remus's spine and settles into his stomach. He can't remember the last time he heard so much naked pain in a person's voice. He has no idea what to say; "I'm so sorry" seems very inadequate, but he whispers it anyway. Sirius just sighs heavily in response and curls up under Remus's arm properly. Neither of them says anything for a long time.
It's Sirius who ends up breaking the silence. "I'm sorry," he says, which is baffling considering Remus is the one who barged in on him crying and then started pushing boundaries. "I've been selfish lately."
"What are you talking about?" asks Remus blankly. He does a quick mental rundown of all the time they've spent together over the last month and comes up empty - he can't think of anything that Sirius has done wrong.
But nothing could've prepared him for what Sirius actually says.
"I really like you, Remus." (What.) "And so I've been dragging you around with me and Harry, and I haven't asked you out because I can't ask you out because I have a kid now and I can't just expect you to be cool with that, and it would be selfish if I did ask you out because I'm supposed to be looking after Harry and putting his needs first and everything. But I've been hanging out with you anyway. And now I'm rambling and I-"
"Sirius," Remus finds himself saying. "Slow down, okay?"
Sirius makes an apologetic face and falls silent, and Remus starts turning over everything that Sirius had just said in his head. Somehow, remarkably, he manages to put aside the fact that Sirius apparently fancies him (which is good because if he thinks about that right now he's going to become incoherent)and focus on the fact that Sirius is acting, well... pretty concerning.
It's not that Remus thinks he should take priority over Harry - obviously Harry should be Sirius's top priority. It's just that, the way Sirius is talking, it sounds like he thinks Harry should be his sole focus. And maybe Remus should just mind his own business, but given the way that Sirius was sobbing when Remus came in, he's kind of worried that he might not be coping too well.
He's quiet for way too long (he's overthinking, and he knows he's overthinking, but that doesn't actually stop him from overthinking), but eventually he just...says what's on his mind.
"What were Harry's parents's names?"
Sirius blinks, apparently a little surprised by the question. "James and Lily."
"Okay," Remus nods, worrying his lip a little between his teeth. "And... and since James and Lily died, have you been with Harry every day?"
At that, Sirius gives him a bit of a strange look. "I mean... yeah," he says slowly. "They kept him under observation in the hospital for a few days because he... he was in the car when they... but I was there during visiting hours. So... yeah, I guess."
"Alright," says Remus, keeping his tone as cautiously gentle as possible. "Hear me out, okay? I understand what you're saying, I really do - of course Harry is your top priority - but... I don't know... does this happen a lot, what happened today?"
"No." Sirius is starting to sound defensive now, and Remus tries as hard as he can not to get pulled down into anxiety over it. "I mean... it used to happen more. I have it under control now."
"It's just..." (God, Remus is definitely overstepping here.) "Your best friend died, it's totally okay if you're not always okay. I just feel like you need to give yourself time and space to process and just... be sad, you know? Like... maybe you should see somebody about it, if you haven't already."
"I can't drag Harry with me to a shrink's office," Sirius protests. "I mean, I can bring some toys or something, but what am I supposed to do if I... if I lose my cool, or something? He'll get upset if I get upset."
"Does he have any other family...? Or do you?"
Sirius snorts, and Remus can't help but cringe a little - it seems he's said the wrong thing. "No," says Sirius. "I don't have any family. And Harry might as well not have any, his mum's sister is a racist bitch. She wants nothing to do with him."
"Okay," Remus says slowly. "He definitely needs to choose his next words very carefully. "Just... listen, Sirius. You're clearly doing an amazing job with Harry. It's been so obvious since I met you that you care about him so much and that you'd do anything for him."
Sirius is starting to look teary-eyed again. He looks away from Remus, fixing his gaze on one of the walls; from the way Remus can hear his breath hitching, he'd guess that he's trying not to dissolve back into tears.
"But the thing is," Remus continues, "I mean, I'm not a parent or anything, but it just seems to me that it'll probably get harder and harder to keep taking care of Harry if you aren't taking care of yourself as well, and... and if that means taking some time for yourself once in a while, that's okay."
Sirius hesitates. His eyes kind of flick around the room a little, and he starts chewing on his lip. Remus doesn't push him (he's definitely been pushy enough for one day already), just waits for him to be ready to speak.
"I don't know where I'd be without Harry," he finally says, "but it would be nowhere good. I probably would've drunk myself to death or something by now." He laughs a little, like he's trying to play it off as a joke, but it's so hollow that Remus knows he means it. "So... so isn't taking care of him also taking care of myself? Kind of?"
Remus can't bring himself to say "no". He just sighs a little and squeezes Sirius lightly. "I don't know," he says honestly. "Just... think about it, will you?"
There's a small pause before Sirius nods, and Remus gives him a reassuring smile. "Great. Okay," he says. "Now... would you like to be alone, or would you like to watch a film or something? Or we can talk about it some more, if you'd like to."
"Stay," Sirius says, sounding firmer than he has since Remus arrived. "You can pick something to watch."
Remus gets up just long enough to put on Pacific Rim before sitting back down on the couch; Sirius cuddles back up to him almost immediately, and they watch the movie mostly in silence.
Thankfully, the awesome robots and kaiju fights are entertaining enough that Remus is able to keep his mind off of Sirius apparently fancying him. He can freak out about that later, in the privacy of his own home.
By the end of the movie, Sirius is yawning, and Remus decides he'd better leave him to get some rest. He gives him one last squeeze before disentangling himself and getting off of the couch.
"I'll see you soon, yeah?" Sirius asks sleepily, his hair a little mussed up from where he'd been leaning on Remus's shoulder, and he looks so cute that Remus's heart skips a beat. All he can do is nod (reassuringly, he hopes) because, as usual, his mouth has decided to stop working.
At least he manages to make it out the door before a big, goofy smile takes over his whole face.