Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Does anyone know where Debbie is?”, Daphne asked, coming downstairs into the loft’s main room. 

“Uhm, upstairs?”, Constance offered from where she was slouched on the couch playing with her phone.

“No, that’s where I’m coming from, genius! I need advice on how much money is too much money to be spent at once without raising flags.”

“Planning something big?” Constance grinned and Daphne only rolled her eyes in reply, before stepping towards the kitchen.

“Lou, do you know where she is?”

Lou who had been leaning against the counter waiting for the kettle to boil shook her head.

“No, I didn’t see her leave, but if she’s not upstairs she probably has. Did you check if the Toyota’s still outside?”

“Hmpf”, came from Daphne telling Lou that clearly she hadn’t checked. The kettle finally finished and she poured the water into her mug, stirring the teabag around once before reaching for her phone. 

There was no message from Debbie, which made Lou’s eyebrows raise. It wasn’t like they had any kind of deal to know about each other’s whereabouts at any given time, nevertheless they had fallen into a routine of at least giving the other a short ‘I’ll be out for a while’. 

“The Toyota’s gone”, Daphne announced as she reentered the house, running a hand through her hair in exasperation.

“Lou, you’ve been doing this criminal thing for a while, too. How much money is too much money spent at once? Can you help me with that?”

“Well, that depends on a lot of things.”, Lou answered with a shrug, putting down her phone.

“Like what?”

“Well, what you usually make, how much you had saved, what you intent on buying...”

“Okay, okay. Talk this through with me? Please? Daphne put up her sweetest smile and puppy eyes and Lou shook her head with a smile.

“Yeah. Sure. Do you want some tea, too?”

“No, I’m good.”

They sat down in the back seating area and Lou patiently listened to Daphne’s explanation of her undertaking for starting her own production company.

When Daphne left hours later, business talk soon having turned into chatting and then a game of charades that Constance had persuaded them into as soon as Rose had come in and they were an even number of people, Debbie still wasn’t back. 

Lou looked at her phone one more time before throwing it onto the armchair in the corner, letting herself fall onto her bed. Her head had just hit the pillow when she heard the distant but familiar sound of a ringtone. She peaked up to listen more closely, unsure if she was imagining things. But no, there was definitely a phone ringing somewhere and not just any phone. Only Debbie had freaking Auld Lang Syne as a ringtone. 

Forehead wrinkling with question, Lou got up and walked over to Debbie’s room next door. Although they had been sharing Lou’s own bedroom for months now, but it remained that most of Debbie’s stuff was kept next door. Opening the door which had been left adjacent, probably from when Daphne had looked for Debbie earlier, Lou had to look around for a second before she found the phone on the windowsill. When she reached it, it had already stopped ringing. The notifications for several unread messages and missed calls from one and the same contact that lit up the screen though made Lou’s throat go dry. Rusty. That didn’t mean anything good. 

Conflicted between wanting to know which bad news had reached Debbie and not wanting to invade her privacy, Lou kept her finger hovering over the unlock feature. 

Rusty had been the one informing her about Danny’s death 10 months ago. Whatever news he had delivered today, they were probably the reason Debbie had been gone without a word. Biting her lip, Lou stepped back from the windowsill plopping down on the bed, still staring at the phone. She was distracted when something under her rustled though and pulled out the day’s newspaper. 

Debbie had been obsessed with being up to date on the news ever since she got out of prison, which was understandable having been cut off from the world for so long. She had subscribed to a daily paper, which she read completely through with unfaltering interest each morning. The others often smiled at the habit but Lou knew where it came from and she understood. She was just about to put the paper down, when a headline caught her eye. 

“New high in sexual assault numbers among prison populations, An interview with a victim” 

Fuck. Lou’s heart skipped a beat. The messages, the paper. Suddenly she had a very good idea about why Debbie had suddenly disappeared without notice. 

Oh you stubborn idiot!, she thought to herself. It was exactly like Debbie to run off to deal with scary emotions on her own. Before Lou could decide on what to do next, she heard the roaring of an engine outside. Her Toyota!

She leapt up, grabbed Debbie’s coat from where it was slung over the back of a chair and hurried downstairs and outside. It was dark out, the street light in the loft’s parking lot having broken long ago. Lou pulled the coat tighter around herself against the November cold. The car was already dark and empty, so she crossed the street towards the beach, soon seeing the outline of someone down at the shore. 

“Debbie!”, she called out once she was in earshot. 

The brunette turned around, obviously startled. Lou stepped in front of her and had to pause for a second when she took in Debbie’s appearance. She had been crying. Even in the gloomy light that carried over from the lights further up the beach, her cheeks were puffy, make up smudged around sad brown eyes. 

“You’re wearing my coat.”, Debbie said quietly. 

Lou wanted to roll her eyes, but she didn’t, instead reaching out to brush her hands up Debbie’s arms.

“I saw the newspaper and the notifications on your phone. What happened?”

Debbie didn’t answer, turning her head towards the water although not stepping away from Lou’s touch.

“Deb, please.”, Lou’s voice was soft but pleading, while her heart was racing in her chest. It wasn’t often she saw Debbie Ocean this distressed, this emotional and vulnerable. They had known each other for so long and been through so much together, both bad and worse, yet she could remember only two other times she had seen Debbie like this, her usual poise and confidence all but gone. The first time was the day she got word her father had died, the second when Danny had gone to prison. 

“Rusty texted this morning.” Debbie spoke quietly, her voice barely above a whisper, “Reuben died. And-“ she broke off, shaking her head, running a hand through her hair. 

“And that alone wouldn’t have been a big deal. He- he was sick. He was- I’ll miss him. He was - family. Good family. Danny’s family. But- it wouldn’t have been a big deal.”

She broke off again, taking a shaky breath and eventually locking eyes with Lou, brown orbs brimming with more tears.

“But it reminded me of how I wasn’t there when Danny died because of that one stupid fucking mistake and- and then I read the paper and that article...”

Her eyes fell close, her body visibly deflating. Lou instinctively stepped forward and circled her arms around Debbie’s waist, pulling her close.

“You don’t know what it’s been like.”, she breathed at Lou’s ear and her hands clawed at the back of the coat Lou was wearing, holding on as if for dear life. 

Lou had to swallow heavily, to keep down the lump forming in her throat. Debbie hadn’t talked much about her prison experience at all. She would occasionally wake Lou up in the middle of the night, cuddling incredibly close, cheeks wet with tears and it was in those moments Lou could catch glimpses of the horrors she must have experienced while inside. But they never talked about it. Because they had just always been so bad at talking about their emotional baggage.

Feeling Debbie’s whole body shake in her arms now had Lou’s own heart clenching in pain. How much trauma must she have experienced to be breaking like this now? Lou couldn’t even begin to imagine, or she probably could, but she wasn’t going to go there. Not now, not tonight and not like this. This was about Debbie. Debbie who was crying in her arms like a child as Lou helplessly ran her hands over her back, through her hair, kissing the side of her head. 

“I... You can’t be yourself in there.”, Debbie sobbed but almost voicelessly, “You can’t because if you are it’s gonna tear you apart. You have to- have to built a facade, and you- have to do things you don’t want- to... survive.”

The last word was barely recognizable as it went over into a heartbreaking sob, that had Lou biting the inside of her lip so hard she tasted blood. Debbie didn’t say anymore for a long time, crying too hard to form words.

Lou held her tightly, not sure if her comfort could ever be enough. Her thoughts inadvertently drifted towards feeling guilty for not having noticed exactly how much Debbie had silently suffered in all these past months. What kind of partner was she? It had taken Lou her time to adjust to having Debbie back in her life after the way she left all those years ago, breaking Lou’s heart like that. But she had worked through that, had given in to the fact she still wanted Debbie at her side. And so they had fallen back into rhythm almost effortlessly, carefully at first but more securely with each passing day. And it had now been months. How had Lou not noticed just how much Debbie was hurting? 

“Marry me.”

Debbie’s whisper at Lou’s shoulder was almost inaudible. Almost.

“I’m sorry, what?” Lou couldn’t hide her surprise, effectively being pulled out of her self-accusing thoughts. She drew back from their embrace enough to be able to see Debbie’s face.

“Everything-“, Debbie paused, swallowing heavily, “Everything’s so broken. I’m so-“ she shook her head, “I just... I want- For once I want something that will stay.”

Lou felt her heartbeat pick up, getting dizzy from the sheer depth of what Debbie was saying. Saying now, like this. And that was the point, wasn’t it?

“Deb, I don’t think it’s a good idea to discuss this right now.”, Lou replied carefully, never letting her gaze leave Debbie’s to catch any reaction.

It came in the form of chocolate eyes clouding over before closing entirely.

“Okay.”, came from Debbie’s lips and it was the lie of the century.

“No. Listen, Deb”

Lou brought one hand up to cup Debbie’s cheek, stroking ever so gently over tear-streaked skin.

“It’s not that I don’t want to.”, she assured, “But you’re hurting and miserable and I don’t want you to regret things.”

It cost more strength than Lou thought to say those words, because, fuck, there was little she wanted more than to make that commitment with Debbie. But she knew her partner. She knew how Debbie was not a person for commitment. And marriage? That was something she had never heard Debbie mention seriously in all of the 24 years they knew each other. She was not going to take advantage of her being vulnerable now.

Lou was surprised when Debbie drew away from their embrace, taking a step back and turning away from her, shoulders shaking ever so slightly. 

She wanted to punch something, because apparently even though she tried her best she had clearly said the wrong thing. They were both so awful at this emotional honesty thing. Debbie was crying again, suffering silently has she had done for too long already.

“Deb,” Lou tried, unable to keep her own despair from seeping into her voice, stopping short when she couldn’t come up with actual words to say.

“Forget it. I’m sorry for thinking I’d be enough for you.”, Debbie’s reply came quietly and it broke Lou’s heart. She bit her lip to swallow down the sound that was about to break free at the raw defeat in Debbie’s voice.

“You are enough!”, she eventually got out, when she was fairly sure she wouldn’t break out in ugly sobs, stepping in front of the brunette, “Damn it, Deb, you’ve always been enough!” 

Fuck it, this time she was helpless against the freaking tears and her voice broke. Her vision became blurry, but she stared at Debbie with all the emotion 24 years of partnership brought with them. 

“Debbie, you’re my freaking kryptonite and still I’ve always been drawn to you like a moth to a fucking flame! You have been so much more than I thought I’d ever have. And is it the most self-destructing thing ever that I unconditionally keep coming back to you? Probably. But that doesn’t change anything, because it’s what you do for the people you love. It doesn’t take away from my fucking undying admiration for you.” Lou had to pause and take a deep breath, heart beating so fast from spilling so many well kept emotions she felt close to passing out. But the look, the tiny glint of hope in Debbie’s eyes as she was saying these things made her go on.

“And I’m not the only one who you’re more than enough for. Danny adored you! You were his little sister and he never, never stopped protecting you. Who do you think got you that line in for contraband? Your family might have been fucked up, but for Danny no one was ever more important than you and you’re a fool if you think a stupid mistake like getting yourself into jail would have changed anything about that. He made the same fucking mistake and you never stopped loving him, never once blamed him for it! He loved you so much!

And the girls and Tammy! You’ve genuinely changed their lives with this heist! You’ve given them a purpose and a home and a future that none of them could have dreamed of. You might have designed this plan for yourself but by executing it, you did so much for these 6 girls, gave them so much!”

She had to take another break when her throat constricted with an ugly sob she was not going to allow to break free. So the last words were only a whisper:

“Debbie, you’re not broken and you are enough”

Lou had to close her eyes, her body physically being too overwhelmed with the amount of emotional confessions, the world spinning slightly around her. She only noticed a good few moments later that Debbie was eerily silent and so she blinked her eyes open again. 

She had never seen anything resembling the expression on Debbie’s face now. There were no words to describe all of the fragmented emotions that played out on it. But the most important one Lou was relieved to recognize as trust. Trust that the words she said had not only been empty soothings. 

She stepped close to Debbie again, running one hand down her cheek.

“I know you’re suffering, but you’re not broken. And you don’t need me to marry you to prove that.”

Debbie’s eyes had closed briefly under Lou’s touch but now returned her gaze with intensity.

“What if I want to do it anyway?”

Lou’s heart skipped a beat and the ghost of a smile fought its way to her lips.

“Then you ask me again tomorrow.”

Debbie’s eyes closed once again, her body leaning against Lou’s, head resting against her shoulder.

“I was so scared all of the time. I’m not sure I’ll ever manage to not be scared anymore.”, she whispered and all Lou could do was press a lingering kiss to her temple. Because fuck, maybe she wouldn’t because that was the way trauma worked and damned if Lou didn’t know that herself.

They remained silent for a few long moments, until Lou felt Debbie take in a deep breath, although she didn’t pull away from their embrace.

“Thank you for not saying yes.”

Lou actually had to bite down what would have probably been a rather pitiful sound of despair, before she tightened her hold on Debbie slightly, nestling her face into brunette hair and breathing voicelessly:

“Just... Please ask me again.”

She felt Debbie’s fingers tighten at her back and knew she had heard.