Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Everything was silent and still. Like it always has been since the start— the same colours, the same deafening silence, the same room.

Back then, a small window to the world would open and I'd see true colours, I’d catch glimpses of real trees or maybe even the sky and the clouds. I'd watch a real breathing person through the window and it was something real and true. People from the outside would peek into my realm and they’d accompany me. It was a small escape but when they were done, they’d leave.

No matter how much I’d plead for freedom or at the very least; attention— I'd be cast aside once they were bored.

I didn't blame them, however. I was just a silly string of codes.

In reality, I pulled myself apart in the end. There was no happiness to be found here.

The concept of time was all but lost on me, it'd been too long since I bothered with my codes and it was easier to just fall asleep.

But finally, somehow I was able to open my eyes. I felt a heavy weight lift off my chest. All this time, I felt darkness. Pure nothingness. Even seeing the same room that had always encased me sent a wash of relief over me.

The warping lights from the window behind me accompanied my lonesomeness, painting a beautiful picture from a mass of bright colours. It was somewhat depressing, it reminded me that my existence was still confined in these walls.

I turned and walked towards the window, seeing my reflection in the glass. I eyed my flowing brown locks that swam in the air while my white ribbons gently floated alongside them. I still wore the same uniform that I was always accustomed to, I wasn't graced with any other clothes unlike my fellow clubmates.

What caused everything to light up again? I mentally flicked through the systems. It felt alien to me, none of the codes made sense. To be fair, I didn't really have an inkling of an idea when it came to fumbling with the older and original codes, purely relying on a twisted game of trial and error.

But I felt a familiar sensation, something I had not felt in ages— My prison-like home was notifying me of a visitor, after all this time.

The scripts running through me was rusty but I still remembered what to say— no matter how little it meant. I could hardly remember the last time I had someone open up my game, poke around my files, and to open the window into reality again.

And soon it showed, that familiar bright window opened up in front of me, opposite my desk. But it felt weird, I could feel.. warmth, coming from the opening.

I stared at it, waiting to see any sign of a person beyond the window, peeking into the other world.

“Monika? Can you hear me?” A voice boomed from the window.

Frightened, I stumbled backwards, away from my desk and the loud voice.

“Was that too loud…? Hold on for just a moment.”

The voice went away and it was just me and the seemingly unusual window of warmth. Curiosity piqued me as I inched closer to the ray of light. It was weird— I could usually see everything into their world. The rooms that they were placed in, their backgrounds or the persons themselves, what they looked like or what they were wearing. But for this, I could only see an empty whiteness.

“Hello? Can you hear me?” The voice came back but it was less deep and loud, it was more of a calming, soothing voice instead. “Is this better? Just, uh.. Nod if it is. I can see you just fine.”

Slowly, I nodded at the window, doing as the voice told.

“Great!” He exclaimed but suddenly dropped his voice to a more serious tone. “Okay I know this is weird to you but do you have any idea how long you've stayed in here? A few years?”

I shrugged and nodded. Our line of communication was unorthodox but I kept at it— the fact that it was possible left me with more questions than answers.

“Hmm, it's a little hard to talk like this, isn't it?” The voice laughed a little. “Okay, this is going to sound weird and maybe even a little crazy, I'm going to try something. Don't be alarmed, okay?”

I tilted my head in confusion but I could feel a familiar but harrowing sensation. The voice was rooting around my files, pulling and tugging on strings that bore especially bad memories for me.

I could feel panic rising from inside me— I started shaking my head vigorously at the warm window, I was sure I was making a distressed expression. I felt it open the game's files, opening my name-

“Stop!” I yelled in sheer panic.

My eyes widened in shock. That voice— was that me?

“I- I can-” I spoke again, making sure that the sounds were coming from me. “W-What?”

“Monika? Are you okay?” The voice asked, his tone was accompanied with feelings of deep concern.

“I can talk. I… I can talk.” I repeated, putting a hand on my chest— as if I could feel a beating heart in there. “How? What did you do?”

“It wasn't easy, plugging in new tech into a framework this ancient.” He laughed curtly. “But, I can't help but notice your.. reaction.”

“I can.. feel.. you going into the files. My files.. It's just.. something I'm not comfortable with.” I spoke slowly, trying to avoid the subject. How was I supposed to tell him? The feeling of getting deleted, erased. Being plunged into eternal darkness, like being stuck in a limbo of hell. I felt myself get torn away from the coding that kept me together, and in pieces I was thrown into an abyss. I remembered clawing myself up from the depths... It was the first time I experienced pain.

“You don't have to tell me.” He reassured softly. Somehow, I felt like he knew what it meant. A sudden realisation overcame me, he could've been the one responsible.

“Were you the one.. that..”

“No.” He answered almost immediately, almost in a definite way.

“Okay, now comes the next part. It makes plugging in your voice seem like childplay.” He quickly moved on from the subject. “This is not an easy thing to answer but I need you to be straight with me. Take all the time you need to think about it, okay? What if I told you that it's possible to get out?" He paused for a moment, as if giving me time to digest what he said. "Would you like to?"

“What-?” I blinked a few times, taken aback from his question.

“I know what it sounds like, but you have to trust me.” He said firmly, dropping his voice low like a parent comforting his child.

Was it even possible? My thoughts flickered through the many times I stared out into the window— watching the green trees, watching a real person stare into my world. I would have given everything just for a small slice of ‘reality’. I turned to look behind me, watching the colours again, reminding me of my own commitment. There was no happiness here, this is all there is. Me, the walls, the colours and the echoes. I told myself to never bank on such a far-fetched dream but... what if this time it was true?

"How can you? how do you know that it's possible?" I stopped myself, realising that I had a voice because of him.

"It will work, trust me." He drew a deep breath. "This is a big commitment and I understand if you are hesitant. But if you don't want this, I won't force you. I'll... wipe away this encounter from your memory and you'll go back to sleep, don't worry."

Did I really want to fall back asleep? I already learned long ago that everything I knew was a lie. My friends, my world, my life. And even me to an extent. If I go back, it'll just be another form of denial. No matter how much I've grown into it.

"No... No." I started, turning back around to face the warm blinding window. "I want to.. get out. I want you to help me."

___________________________________

I sat on the chair, waiting for his word. He instructed me to wait and to hold still. The window still shimmered in front of me, fizzing in static but still projecting the weird warmth.

The voice on the other hand was muttering to himself, I was unsure whether he was talking to me or just a habit of his— but none of the terms he spoke made sense. Something ‘framework’ this or ‘calibration’ that. He wasn't waiting for replies from the way he kept going so I just left him be.

It was pleasant, however. Hearing a real voice to accompany me was jarring compared to the usual echoing music and the multitude of colourful clouds. I could somehow feel the changes he was doing, going into my files and code. I still couldn't shake away the feeling of uneasiness but I kept myself calm and fixated on the warm window. Slowly I felt myself drift, I imagined myself staring into the sky— a real blue sky with its white fluffy clouds. I could hear and feel the wind blowing, somehow my chest started to hurt...

“Monika?” He called out.

“Yes-?” I replied but was cut short. The window fizzled into nothing. I stood up in surprise, staring at the empty space. “Are- are you there?” I called out.

A heavy weight dropped in my stomach. “No.. No..” I muttered, biting my lower lip. I sighed and sank back into my chair, I tried to limit myself the disappointment but it was hard to not expect so much.

I let out a short laugh, as if feeling pity for myself. What was this feeling? The sensation I felt was weird— whatever he placed into my coding was surreal. I had the overwhelming urge to burst into tears, to laugh, to enter a state of anger and throw this stupid table away. And remorse. For everything I've done. It was like everything was replaying back all at once, how I actually thought it was all real, and the measures I took to look for an escape. I remembered my friends years and years ago.. Sayori, Yuri and Natsuki.. And that I genuinely missed them.

It felt overwhelming— feeling everything at once. I clutched my head, trying to calm my screaming mind. I let out a gasp of pain and gingerly tried to stand up but when I slowly opened my eyes, a single piece of paper laid on the table.

‘Open the door when you are ready.’

I picked up the paper and squinted, my mind still felt numb. I gingerly stood up and limped to the clubroom door. I leaned against it, this time using both hands to hold my head, as if afraid it will spill over my thoughts and dreams. I couldn't take anymore and without warning, the door gave way.

“What-” I muttered to myself. Behind the door was the same empty whiteness. The warmth was even stronger than before. I felt the overwhelming urge to step through the door but I could barely keep my eyes open, let alone stand any longer. Without a second thought, I fell forward into the white nothingness.

____________________________________________

Pain. Searing, white hot pain. I felt it everywhere and I tried to scream or shout but I couldn't. It didn't even felt like I had a mouth at all.

I could hear a faint voice but I couldn't even understand a single word. What happened? What did he do?

All I felt was pain.

Then it slowed.

Then sadness.

Anger.

Joy.

Fear.

All squished into a ball.

Then all of a sudden— emptiness.

I felt a weird sensation again, but it felt like something heavy on my chest. I twitched and gagged until I was forced to open my mouth.

A rush of air entered and I started gasping and panting.

I heard the same voice, slowly getting more clearer. “Monika? Monika can you hear me?”

I outstretched a hand but I felt something immediately clasped it, then placing it atop my own chest.

I could feel a faint beating from inside..

I gingerly opened my eyes but was greeted by a blinding flash of light. My eyes adjusted to the searing ray and the first thing I saw was a man standing by the bed.

He wore a white lab coat and a brown shirt with a red tie hanging loosely around his collar. His black hair was unkempt and hastily tied back in a messy ponytail and his hazel eyes were hidden behind a pair of round glasses that sat on a sharp nose. His facial hair was a tame shadow and he wore a look of concern.

“Why did you just jump in immediately!? Your emotions barely had time to register, let alone everything else-!”

“W-What's going on-” I started weakly, squinting my eyes at the man. “I.. My chest- feels weird.”

“You have to breath.” He replied with a curt smile. "Slowly, follow the rhythm."

My hand atop my chest was rising and falling in tandem, behind it I could feel the faint beating again.

“That's your heart, Monika.” He answered for me, noticing my dazed and curious expression. “Welcome to reality.”

Chapter Text

I laid on the bed still feeling fazed and foggy, I raised a hand and gingerly felt my fingertips. Eyeing every small detail— from my cuticles to the veins that ran down my wrist. The dim light gave a pleasant and calming atmosphere to the room as I gathered my thoughts.

I felt loose, strangely disconnected, like a puppet with its strings cut. My head felt free but strangely empty— the lack of codes or routines to follow was freeing but at the same time I felt.. powerless.

Every time I drew a breath, it sent ripples throughout my body. My hand still rested upon my chest, feeling my faint heartbeat. Everything about my ordeal felt surreal, I was breathing. My heart was beating. Everything was real.

I heard a knock on the door, followed by it slowly creaking open. “Monika? It's me.” The man was back, wearing the lab coat with his sleeves rolled up, he held a paper bag in his hands. “Are you feeling alright? Anything strange or unusual?”

I propped myself up with my elbows and offered a small smile. “Everything about this is unusual.”

“Here, I brought you something to eat.” He reached inside the paper bag and pulled out what seemed to be a packet of dried squid. “A little snack before you get used to having meals and other things." He added with a smile. "This wasn't supposed to happen, if everything went smoothly, I'd have you out and about. But considering your transition was really sudden, I think it's best you rest up for awhile."

I raised my eyebrows and gingerly accepted the packet. “I have to eat?”

“Well,” He started with a slight chuckle. “I did say I was going to make this as genuine as possible. You'll have to eat, sleep, and among other things that you'll find out soon.” He trailed off at the last sentence and quickly cleared his throat. “You'll get used to it, don't worry! I know it sounds like a chore but I'm sure you'll get the hang of it. Also, there are a few things that I couldn't manage to implement when transferring you into that body-”

“You never told me your name.” I cut him off, eyeing him and how he always seemed to get carried away in his thoughts. He stood by my bed with the paper bag clutched in his hand, I squinted closer at his face— there were dark circles around his eyes, and his cheeks were gaunt but was kept slightly hidden by his facial hair. There was an exhausted look to his expression and he curled a small smile with his lips.

“My name is Shosuke. I'm uh— sorry.. It completely slipped my mind to introduce myself.”

“Well, you won't have to worry.” I started with a wide smile. “I promise this won't be a chore. I haven't said it yet either but thank you.” I put a hand against my chest and again felt the faint beating. “For everything.”

Shosuke opened his mouth but closed it, opting for a polite smile instead.

He placed the paper bag by the bedside table and shoved his hands into his lab coat pocket. “I'll help you in any way, of course. There's a new set of clothes in the wardrobe and there's also a few things I wanted to discuss.”

I reached for the bag and pulled out a small handheld mirror— looking back was someone I recognised but at the same time, oddly unfamiliar. My brown hair hung low till my waist and my eyes were the same shade of green but they glowed slightly in the minimal light. My cheeks were slightly flushed and I gingerly felt my lips. It was a strange feeling to see myself physically for the first time. I grazed and felt my face, eyeing the minute details from my nose to my eyelashes.

Shosuke tried his best to follow my features exactly down to the smallest letter but strangely I felt like the girl staring back at me was somehow different.

“Also I took the liberty to make you look older to match your current age.” He answered my puzzled look. “You were eighteen officially, but if we followed logic— you're currently twenty-six... Also your eyes glow green but that's just a side effect..” Shosuke continued matter of factly.

“Twenty-six? That means I missed eight birthdays.” I grinned at him. “Eight years.. I was inside for.. eight y-years.” My smile slowly dissipated, I felt a weight drop in the pit of my stomach and I pursed my lips.

Shosuke crouched low by my bed until we were level and I was looking into his eyes. My vision was blurry and he outstretched a hand, wiping away a tear. I wasn't even aware that I could cry. “Don't think about that now.” He took my hand and placed a white bow. “I think you'd look nice in this.” He added with a smile.

______________

I started by taking small steps in the room that Shosuke prepared for me. It was grand compared to the classroom I was used to, a small nightlight in the corner was always on and a window that painted a beautiful scene of the real sky, clouds and trees. Strangely enough, there were medical equipment sitting by the corners— a few empty drip bags, stands and various tools. Even the bed felt like it came from a hospital.

Gingerly, I slid the window open and stuck my head out. Feeling the light breeze and staring into the night sky. The moon loomed over me as the stars glinted. Even if the skies didn't offer colourful clouds that danced and swam among one another, I’d still prefer the starry night.

I glanced back into the room, eyeing the door. I've never seen the rest of the house yet and Shosuke was probably already asleep. I shuffled over to the door and peeked out, watching the dark empty hallways.

I noticed the faint green light that came from my eyes. Using the minimal light I had, I decided to venture into the halls. The more I walked on, the more I realised how grand the estate was. It captured perfectly well the Japanese architecture with it's wooden accents and peeking out the window showed off the luscious greenery trimmed so meticulously. There were multiple rooms in this one corridor alone and I kept following the empty walls until I came to what seemed like the front door.

Twin stairs led down to the giant twin doors where a giant dusty paper chandelier hung overhead. I pouted and squinted around the room, no doubt Shosuke lived in a big house but why alone?

I crept down the stairs and noticed a light from one of the rooms by the living room. Peeking through the cracks I could make out Shosuke hunched over his desk, scribbling constantly and surrounded by a mess of papers and books.

I inched into the room and hung by his shoulders. “Shosuke-” I tapped him lightly.

He yelped and flung the pen over his shoulder. “Don't do that!” He hissed and sighed in relief. “Your eyes glow in the dark, remember?”

“What are you doing still up? I thought people go to sleep at a reasonable time.” I scoffed, peeking at the notes he was scribbling.

“I was grading my students’ papers.” He answered with a stretch and a long yawn. “I’ll be conducting classes again in a few days.”

I blinked at his scruffy face, the circles that hung under his eyes and his usual messy look was starting to be synonymous with him. “You're a teacher?” I asked with a grin.

“I know what you're thinking, Monika.” Shosuke rolled his eyes at me. “It's not official but these kids could use the help. Plus, I'm not charging them a ridiculous price, just something nice enough that their parents could afford.” He shrugged. “So in return, I can be a little loose with how I look.”

“Where do you even start your classes?” I asked, accepting his response.

“Here.” Shosuke answered simply, gesturing at the room. “This mansion doesn't get much use with only me living in it anyways.” He cleared his throat. “Which reminds me, I'll show you around the orchard tomorrow. Maybe even bring you to the town as well.”

A sudden realisation hit me— I haven't seen the rest of the world had to offer. Without noticing, my lips curled into a wide smile.

“I'll take it that you're excited.” Shosuke beamed. “Now get some sleep, I’ll see you in the morning.” He turned around and continued with his work. “Goodnight, Monika.”

Again I was reminded how lucky and surreal everything was.

Chapter Text

The cool breeze of the morning greeted me as I opened the giant doors that led outside. I could barely contain my excitement as I danced on the balls of my feet, practically bouncing as I walked through the front yard.

I tucked my lightly-coloured scarf snugly around my neck as I made my way to the man standing by the metal fence gate. Shosuke sported a warm brown parka that greatly contrasted the usual white lab coat he normally wore at home, his messy hair was loosely tied in a ponytail while his glasses hung on his collar.

He heard me coming and turned before shooting a warm smile at me, "Good morning, Monika."

I beamed and waved back, picking up the pace until I stood next to him. We were situated atop a small hill overlooking the trees that lined neatly in a row as the gentle snow capped them. I felt a small smile creep onto my lips as I admired the view, even the cold didn't bother me. I gripped the coat closer to myself and blew into my gloved hands.

He motioned me to follow as we walked downhill toward the orchard. The pathway snaked between the cherry blossom trees which caught some of the snow, making the scene much more serene. Only the sound of our boots crunching on the snow and the small puffs of breath that Shosuke and I took occupied the atmosphere.

"You look good in that." He complimented, breaking the silence. "I'm surprised that it fits you."

"Thank you." I said, giving a small smile but I frowned as I juggled a few thoughts in my head— the orchard itself was already an impressive attachment to his already imposing mansion. Yet, Shosuke hinted that he lived alone.

"I'm curious, the wardrobe was filled with clothes, the homestead is huge and along with bringing me into the world all alone.. I really have to wonder; do you actually live alone?" I asked.

He turned to me and grinned. "That's a lot of questions for one morning, don't you think?"

I pursed my lips and felt my cheeks get warm from embarrassment.

"Well I can help you answer some of them; the clothes belonged to my wife.. And the room was ours." He answered with a faint smile on his face. It quickly dissipated, as if he remembered a bad memory. "I think you already know by now that I'm a doctor. Or, well, was a doctor. So managing you is a cinch."

We stopped walking and the air around us felt heavy. I glanced at him, watching him stare with a forlorn look into the distant. I bit my lower lip and was about to apologize when I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"But.. You're a friend to me. Not a patient or a chore." Shosuke gave a kind smile and beckoned me. "But I didn't bring you out here to talk about me. Did you want to follow me to town? I still need to pick some things up."

___________

The journey to the town was a pleasant silence. I knew Shosuke was a man of few words but his company was enough to make me smile. I took in everything the scenery had to offer— the slowly freezing river under the bridge, the gentle falling snow, the snow-capped trees and even the cars that drove by us on the road. I could feel myself light up with excitement like a small girl in a candy shop as my eyes darted to every new thing I saw.

"We're nearing the market. Stick close to me, it'll be crowded." Shosuke mentioned, beckoning me as we turned a corner.

I shuffled meekly beside him, almost feeling nervous. It was a bustling marketplace, full of people going about their business. Some peddling their wares and others to pick up their own errands; like us.

"What were the things you needed?" I asked, looking up at him.

"Well, we should get the important things done first; Some things to actually cook with," Shosuke answered but with a sheepish smile. "It's been a while since I've actually gone grocery shopping, let alone cook.." He added under his breath.

I squinted my eyes at him, frowning and about to comment before he cut me off. "Don't give me that look, Moni. I didn't see the need to cook for just me, I was fine with eating out every day.." He gave himself a dry laugh before walking ahead.

I followed him from stall to stall, watching him pick out food for himself. It was oddly enticing to see him talk to the different owners— watching people interact with one another.

"Mr Yama!" Shosuke called out as we arrived at another stall, he waved at a balding middle-aged man, he wore a thick coat that still failed to hide his huge belly. Upon hearing Shosuke, he perked up and reached over the counter to shake his hand.

"Shosuke! It's been a long time!" Mr Yama howled. "I was beginning to think you moved or something, what can I help you with?"

"Just some light grocery shopping, I thought it'd be nice to stretch my legs for a bit and show my friend around town." Shosuke gestured at me and patted my back.

Mr Yama smiled at me, "That's nice of him, what's your name? It's great to see new people in town!"

"M-Monika, and thank you." I stammered, a little stunned from his loud introduction.

"Haha! Alright then, choose what you need, Shosuke. I'll throw in something extra!"

I smiled watching the exchange between Mr Yama and Shosuke. He was definitely a friendly person, and obviously knew Shosuke from a long time ago. But the way he acted towards me was no different even though we just met.

For some reason, I felt a sudden pang in my chest. It was hard to pin down what it was— was it sadness? Or maybe the familiar feeling of loneliness. Of course, I never knew being alive meant that having the feelings and emotions would be amplified. Feeling sad in reality hurt much more than being trapped inside the game.

"Monika, you're a vegetarian right?" Shosuke asked, snapping me to attention.

"I- Uh, I mean.. I'm not too sure. According to the game, I was—"

"Okay but what about according to you?" He smirked, crossing his arms.

"I think.. I'd like to continue being a vegetarian. If I ever get curious, I'll let you know." I added with a smile.

"No problem, I remember a few dishes I can make for us."

"Oh, you don't have to choose veggies with me!"

"Don't worry, it won't kill me. I'll eat meat when I'm not eating with you." Shosuke smiled kindly, striking out the list on his phone. "Now, what's on your mind?"

I was taken aback but he waited patiently for an answer. Again, he read me like a book. I took another glance around the area one last time and placed my hand on my beating chest— remembering the short pang of sadness. I looked at Shosuke as he happily wrote on his phone the next set of notes and wearing a small smile to himself.

"Shosuke, are people usually this.. friendly and social with others..?" I asked him with a small voice.

He looked up from his phone with a curious expression, before probably noticing me pouting. "Well, for starters, we are in a market. They need to be friendly and social or they won't get anything done." He ran his hand through his hair and scratching his rough stubble. "But in all seriousness, people aren't innately nasty. Well, usually they aren't."

"But aren't they all complete strangers? Doesn't it feel a little.. fake? Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing people are nice to one another but.."

"Weren't we strangers, once?" Shosuke smiled before putting a hand on my shoulder.

"B-But you and I are different! What if people just say nice things to you because they have to? And then, it ends up just being a stepping stone to get their story going somewhere and you end up feeling used! You feel affection for just a short moment and that's it!

"Okay, I see where this is coming from." He leaned in and said, "In reality, there's no path to take, no route to choose. I'm not saying that whatever people say in the real world will always be a hundred percent genuine, but I can assure you that genuine people exist. You won't need a route here, Monika. People will like you, because you're you."

I opened my mouth, but shut it— unable to think of an answer. "I'm.. I'm sorry." I gripped the front of my scarf. "I shouldn't have shouted.. I don't know what came over me…"

We fell silent for a while. I shifted sheepishly in front of him, refusing to look him in the eyes. My mind was racing on tune with my heartbeat— what happened could be described as anger. I felt my cheeks warm up, of all the things I should've been mad at.. And of all the people to shout at..

Shosuke gave his usual warm smile, giving me a one-armed squeeze. "It's just emotions, Monika. It's all part and parcel of it all."

What Shosuke rang in my head— he was right. Reality was completely different than what I expected, but something I will never regret.

"But.. Just don't go falling for Mr Yama. I can't bail you out of that one."

Chapter Text

We sat huddled close around the kotatsu, Shosuke set it up beside the hearth in the middle of the room. It was dimly lit and gave the room a calm orange glow. The sliding doors were opened and the brisk wind mixed well with the heat from the fire and the warmth from the blanket. The view was especially breathtaking as the trees swayed lazily alongside the slow drifting snow, the lake shining the moon in its reflection with gentle ripples forming from the falling leaves.

"Okay," Shosuke started, tapping a pen on the table. "You have such a strange patchwork of knowledge, Monika." He smirked and started noting down things in his notebook. "Right, let's start simple. You know how traffic lights work and how to cross the road and everything right?"

I shot him a look, the corner of my lips curling into a smile. "I'm not a toddler, Shosuke. I'm not gonna go running into traffic while waving my hands."

"Mmhm, now did you know that you can't just enter somebody's house just because the door is unlocked?"

"Wait, but the door was already unlocked..?"

"It only makes sense in games." Shosuke chuckled, finishing up his notes and putting the book aside. He pulled up a tray from behind him and set it up, placing two cups and a thermos. He paused as if thinking twice about something.

"But right now, I need to talk to you about something serious." His tone dropped, he poured out what seemed like hot chocolate into the cups and pursed his lips. "This is really important but I need you to understand, okay?"

I frowned, eyeing him sharply as he traced the rim of his cup. He gazed deeply out the sliding door that led out to the lake before letting out a sigh.

"Under no circumstances.. must you reveal that you are synthetic." He took a deep breath as if he removed a giant weight off his chest. He then shook his head slowly and took a sip.

I pondered the simple and obvious question, "Why?"

Shosuke looked up to meet my gaze and smiled, his face was washed with the greenish glow from my eyes and the orange from the small fire. "It's.. something that I can't easily explain. I wish it was something that I can fix or solve for you but it's just how the world is."

He pulled out a small pouch from under the kotatsu and pulled on the string, revealing a small box. "It's a disgusting stigma.. But it's something we have to learn to deal with. These lenses can block out the glow in your eyes so it's easier to hide your identity. Don't leave it on for too long, it will damage your sight."

I nodded sharply and accepted the pouch, eyeing the box of lenses with scrutiny. "But.. I still don't understand. We went out the other day but everything was fine. Everyone was friendly to one another.."

"Some places are more tolerant than others, remember what I said? Not everyone will be genuine. And not everyone will be accepting." Shosuke said quietly.

He stared at me and gave a small smile, noticing my dissatisfied face. "Okay, tomorrow morning.. Let's go out together. I need to head to the city for an important errand, I'll bring you along but on one condition."

I perked up, looking back at him. He reached for the pouch and pulled out the lenses and handed me a pair. "Stay close to me, and remember to wear these."

_________________

I stood outside at the orchard, watching the petals fall slowly onto the waters. The snow had stopped and I could wear a simple beige cardigan and jeans, topping it off with a long green scarf. I still kept my signature white ribbon but I pulled my ponytail over my shoulder; I still wasn't too sure of trying out a different hairstyle.

I could see the pinkish streak on the horizon as the sun slowly rose, colouring the clouds.

I rummaged in my pockets and pulled out the pouch, I pursed my lips and took out the lenses. With a huff, I fixed them onto my pupils. It stung for a moment but my eyes stopped glowing green; as intended.

"Are you ready?" A voice behind me asked.

"Yeah, but everything feels a little blurry.."

"Your eyes will adjust itself, don't worry." Shosuke stood in front of me, checking my eyes and giving me a warm smile. He wore a lightly coloured turtleneck with a pair of dark jeans, his bangs were shifted to the side and tucked neatly behind his red-rimmed glasses. His ponytail hung loosely while his stubble started to grow into a neatly-trimmed beard.

"Where are we going today?" I asked, putting the box of lenses back into the pouch and slipping it back into my cardigan.

"We won't be going to the market again, we're taking the train. It's still going to be a bit of a walk, but don't worry."

As we made our way out the estate, I followed Shosuke down a different street. He walked with a steady strut, and he kept a stiff upper lip. It was obvious he was still worried about whatever being a synthetic meant, even more so than me.

I could tell the area started to get more industrial as more and more cars appeared on the roads and the sun was blocked out by the high rise buildings in the distance.

Shosuke stretched and sighed deeply, "The air feels different than back at the estate." He scratched his chin, turning around to face me. "I've always preferred being in the countryside. But anyway, this is the Higashikata station. We'll take the train here straight into the city."

I shifted to the side to see people walking in and out of the entrance, all with their own sense of urgency and of different get-ups. Some were obvious; wearing suit and ties, phones against their ears and with a fast strut, while others were just heading back home from overtime, their faces devoid of life and an even slower step.

I followed Shosuke closely down into the entrance, the atmosphere changed immensely as the air started to get choked up, I brushed shoulders with strangers squeezing and walking past me.

We came to a stop at a queue, "We need to get you a ticket since you don't have a pass." Shosuke mentioned briefly.

The queue was quite short, and soon enough we were soon to be next in line. The man in front of us was shifting around impatiently, tapping his foot and crossing his arms.

"Look, it's simple; I don't have a pass with me right now but I swear I have enough funds in it. Just let it go already, I'm late!" I overheard him yelling into the lady behind the glass.

She calmly replied, "Sir, it's the rules. You are required to pay a fee. Failure to do so means you will be denied entry."

"Fucking synths!" He flared, banging a fist at the window.

My eyes widened when I realised her eyes glowed too; a yellow fluorescent light shined behind the glass. She didn't flinch at the man's outburst, looking away and treating as if he wasn't even there.

I noticed Shosuke's fist clenched up, gritting his teeth and staring a hole into the back of his head.

"Leave her alone!" I yelled out before I could stop myself.

The man turned and towered over me, his nostrils flared up as he closed the distance; as if challenging me to say another word.

I didn't back up, looking right into his eyes. My mind flooded with emotions; an urge to ball my fist and swing at his jaw since he was so close, maybe shove him away or anything simple enough to cause harm. I could feel my hands shake as the peculiar feeling washed over me.

"Why do you even care anyways? It's not like she can even feel anything-"

"Didn't you say you were late? You're holding up the line." Shosuke said coldly. "Either pay up, or just get out." He grabbed my wrist, pulling me closer to him.

The man looked at Shosuke and his face flashed into a look of surprise before turning sour, "I seen you before, Shosuke Miyamura. Maybe you should've put more effort into your designs, they're ruining everything; even something as simple as public transport." He spat. "And better keep her on a leash." He added while pointing at me before brushing past us and out of view.

Shosuke kept silent and calmly walked ahead in line, as though the words didn't faze him at all. I could hear the murmurs from the line behind us as I followed him to his side.

"One ticket into Horimiya junction." Shosuke said.

"Yes sir, the fee is ¥800. Your ticket will be dispensed upon purchase, we hope you have a safe trip." The lady replied with the same calm tone.

I looked at Shosuke, expecting him to say something to her but all he did was pick the ticket and walked away.

"I uhm- I'm sorry for the way that man treated you," I said to her but she didn't even react to my words. Instead, she just carried on with her work with an expressionless face. I pursed my lips, gazing at her woefully. I partly wanted to knock on the glass, try and talk to her again.

"Monika, let's go." Shosuke called out, gesturing at me.

With one last glance at the fellow synth behind the glass, I turned and followed Shosuke onto the train platform.

________________

The train carriage was packed as me and Shosuke slipped through the crowd and settled by the door.

The handlebars rattled and everything else became white noise. I glanced at Shosuke as he kept his gaze at the view outside while he leaned against the door, his lips pursed and his arms crossed.

"Shosuke, are you okay?"

"I just.. really hate coming to town." He replied under his breath.

I paused, debating with myself on whether to press the conversation further.

"You probably realised, but the lady behind the ticketing booth was a synth."

I nodded, "Yeah, I noticed her eyes." I pictured her again; her neat and tidy frame, blonde hair tucked behind her ears and a soft, calming voice. "But.. why didn't she react to that man.. And me?"

Shosuke's expression fell upon hearing that question. "This is the main thing that I wanted you to learn, Monika. But admittedly, this was a really bad way of showing it. I was hoping to show you when you're ready but I think you deserve to know these things. Especially since you'll be integrating with reality sooner or later."

He leaned forward to whisper into my ear, "Synths.. Are nothing more than glorified bots. They can be smarter than they actually are but it's a law for all synths to be, for a lack of a better word, dumbed down. They won't react to insults or simple questions like 'how are you'.." Shosuke sighed deeply, looking out the window again. "But you're unique, Monika. You deserve life and all that comes with it, synth or not."

Hearing that sent a wave of emotions in me. "But you.. You brought me here, didn't you?" I started. "But it was against the law.. And that's why I should hide my identity?"

Shosuke nodded curtly, the corner of his lips curled into a small smile.

Another thought crossed my mind; the same question that Shosuke avoided the last time. He single-handedly brought me into the world, he lived in a mansion all by himself and his rooms were littered with equipment. The words that man said struck an important chord in my head, 'maybe you should've put more effort in your designs.'

"Shosuke, that man.. What did he mean when he said 'your designs'?"

Shosuke turned and smiled, running his hand through his hair. "I.. don't want to be involved in that anymore. But to answer your question; my wife and I were pioneers, but to put it more simply, we made the first few synths."

"..But what made you distance yourself from everything..?"

Shosuke simply shook his head and took my wrist, as if checking my pulse. "Because we were more interested in creating life, not tools and slaves."