Chapter Text
Epilogue
I don't want you to go
Don't wanna see you back out in the cold
Air you're breathing out fades you to grey
Don't run away, find me
I know the battles of chasing the shadows of who you wanna be
It doesn't matter, go on and shatter
I'm all you need
Adam Lambert „Broken open“
“Tommy”, Adam touched Tommy gently by the shoulder to attract his attention.
“Hey, baby,” Tommy smiled sweetly as he turned from his conversation with Monte.
They were in club Nokia to prepare for the last concert of the tour. The band was about to wrap up for the day and Adam stole a moment to distract Tommy from a million technical details he always liked to discuss with Monte.
“I want to show you something after we are done here. Have you got any plans later?”
“Besides lounging on the sofa with you and watching TV?” Tommy smirked. “Nah, no plans”
“I promise, you’ll like it,” said Adam. “I’ll be waiting for you in the parking lot.”
***
Tommy opened the door of Adam’s car and sat in the passenger seat.
“Gonna tell me what this is about?” he asked curiously.
Instead of an answer Adam leaned in and kissed Tommy gently on the lips. Tommy reciprocated eagerly and the kiss lingered and deepened. They seemed to never have enough of each other lately. The last barriers between them were smashing, painfully sometimes, but now they were out in the open, free to explore something beautiful and amazing.
“God, Tommy, you’re driving me mad,” said Adam as he literally tore himself from Tommy.
“What, wishing we were at home now?” asked Tommy innocently and batted his eyelashes.
“Please, stop it,” begged Adam. “I really want to show you this place.” He turned the key in the ignition and decisively stared out of the front window.
“You’re a tease,” crooned Tommy.
“I am a tease?” asked Adam indignantly. “I suspect you’ve been checking how good my restraint is the whole week. On purpose!”
“Well, there is not much to check, you know? Your restraint is not very good.” Tommy grinned.
Adam looked at his man and tried to stop himself from showing Tommy exactly how bad his restraint was.
“No, when it comes to you, it is not,” he answered with a smile and finally started the car.
***
They were driving through LA beautiful palm lined streets with Enter Sandman blasting on. Tommy was banging his head to the music and singing in. Adam felt light headed and a little nervous as they were getting closer to their destination.
A city street changed into the suburbs with more trees and less people and buildings. The road was going up the hill as it was getting dark.
Tommy finally paid attention to their surroundings.
“Hey, is this like where all celebrities live, is it?” he asked as they passed a luxurious house with palm trees mostly hiding a huge swimming pool.
“Hollywood Hills, yes,” confirmed Adam and took another turn.
“What are we doing here?” asked Tommy.
“You’ll see,” said Adam mysteriously.
“Adam,” demanded Tommy impatiently.
“Where’s your restraint, Tommy?” asked Adam and smiled.
Tommy smiled too and, before he could say something, Adam pulled the car into the driveway. There obviously was a house behind all the trees but Tommy could hardly make it out.
While Tommy was busy looking around, Adam already got out of the car and approached the door that was the only part of the house visible behind lash greenery. There was a key in his hand.
Tommy narrowed his eyes and got out too.
“Is this what I think it is?” he asked.
Adam just smiled and opened the door with his key and beckoned Tommy inside. Tommy followed suit.
They entered a hall which was dark. Adam didn’t turn on the light and just pulled Tommy behind him into the living room. Tommy froze in awe. They were looking into the city below them, the view so beautiful he really didn’t know what to say.
Adam hugged him from behind and said quietly, “Renovations are still being done but it starts to look like a home.”
Tommy didn’t seem to hear him.
“I never realised that your new house is in such a place,” he said in a shocked voice.
“I didn’t want to brag,” smiled Adam.
“That’s a new,” laughed Toomy and looked at his man sideways.
“Well, I didn’t want to brag before it was ready,” he corrected himself and went further down the hall, pulling Tommy behind. “Come on, you should see this.”
They climbed the stairs on the second floor and found themselves in one of the bedrooms. It looked so cozy and beautiful.
“Look here,” said Adam.
There were a few wooden guitar showcases near the window - one of them contained a very fancy looking Fender, the other cases empty.
“Adam…” he was lost for words.
Adam looked nervous now.
“You could keep yours here. And add to your collection too. I asked the renovation team to add this when…” he paused awkwardly.
“When I started to sleep with you?” asked Tommy with a smirk.
“Well, yes,” said Adam and had the decency to blush a little.
Tommy was looking at Adam very intently now.
“Exactly when did you add this detail to the room?”
Adam shifted uncomfortably.
“I don’t remember, somewhere during the last leg of the tour I guess.”
“Adam,” pushed Tommy.
“Fine, ok! I asked the designer to add this while we were in Tokyo.”
“What?” asked Tommy in disbelief. “After that one night? When I was fighting the best I could with myself and pretending that we were just friends?”
Adam avoided looking at Tommy. He looked at the beautiful view out the window instead.
“I thought I could just invite you over sometimes, when we’d be back. And if I had a collection of guitars of my own, there would be an additional pretext to invite you here to show them to you.”
“And you decided to have this collection in a bedroom?” asked Tommy and started giggling.
Adam smiled too, feeling a huge relief that Tommy didn’t seem to think he was a creep or something.
“There are still many things to be done. There are plans and sketches downstairs and… We could look through them and see if you'd like to make some changes…” he paused and couldn’t think of any possible way to continue this sentence, feeling more stupid by the second.
“Why do you want me to look through…” started Tommy and then realization dawned on him. “Oh… oh” he said.
They were looking at each other for a moment.
“I…” Adam couldn’t stand the silence any more. “I’d totally understand if you don’t want to… I mean, it’s a big step…”
Before Adam could finish the sentence, Tommy came up to him and hugged him tightly.
“I love you,” he said quietly.
Adam put his arms around Tommy and rested his head on Tommy’s shoulder.
“I love you too, baby” he said. A moment passed in silence.
“Is this a yes?” asked Adam tentatively. “Or… you know, is it “I love you but…”
Tommy laughed and looked up at Adam.
“It is a yes,” he said. “I want to live with you. It’s just…” Tommy paused.
“What is it?” asked Adam, his voice worried.
“I guess I’d feel like a trophy wife in this huge house…” admitted Tommy seriously.
Adam tried to keep a serious face on but couldn’t help grinning.
“This is not funny!” said Tommy indignantly.
“Sorry. I’ve already started picturing you with an apron on and nothing else beneath it,” Adam said dreamily and earned a punch in the ribs for that.
“Ouch,” he cried. “Tommy, calm down, you’ll be a perfect rock’n’roll trophy wife…” he couldn’t keep talking because Tommy started tickling him and pinching him. Adam reciprocated by hoisting Tommy up and carrying him to the bed.
He stumbled and they fell on the bed, laughing and hugging.
Adam traced Tommy’s face and said with all humour gone from his voice, “When I thought I couldn’t have you, it was like knowing I could never be whole. Like I will have to live my life empty… Funny thing, I didn’t even know I was missing something till you came for that audition. I was on top of the world and feeling invincible”
“I ruined that, ha?” asked Tommy and put a hand on Adam’s. “I’m sorry for making you wait for so long to catch up on this,” he kissed Adam’s hand, still resting on his face. “I felt the same way from the very beginning but I was so damn good at lying to myself. Ever since I saw you singing on Idol, I was caught. Never knew it would be so strong and… inevitable? I fought myself so hard not to fall for you. It was never a friendship, I know that now…” he pondered as he cuddled next to Adam.
“The wait was worth it,” whispered Adam in Tommy’s ear and kissed him in the neck, then his cheek and then on his lips.
They heard a patter on the window as it started raining.
“We don’t have anywhere to be till tomorrow, right?” asked Tommy with a smile.
“No,” answered Adam. “And the construction team won’t be here until tomorrow too. And, I think, the room with a fireplace should be ready by now.”
“You have a room with a fireplace?” asked Tommy eagerly. He even sat on the bed and didn’t let Adam drag him back down.
“No, my gorgeous, WE have a room with a fireplace. Want to check it out?”
Tommy grinned and stood up from the bed and pulled Adam up too.
***
Adam reached out to prod the logs in the fireplace. The fire was burning and crackling cosily and they were warm, very comfortable and a little tipsy. An opened bottle of wine and Adam’s glass were precariously positioned right on the floor next to a new strangely shaped white carpet.
There was no furniture in the room yet, so they lay on the carpet. Adam leaned back against the pillows they brought from the bedroom and tried to take his glass again but Tommy stopped him. The blonde put his own glass next to Adam’s and distracted Adam by straddling him and kissing him so passionately as he was kissing him for the last time.
“Tommy,” said Adam in a shocked voice when they caught their breath. Something was different about Tommy, he was different…
“Feels so good,” whispered Tommy as he kept attacking Adam’s neck with kisses.
“Yeah,” said Adam. “This does feel good.”
Tommy stopped kissing Adam and looked at his man intently. He caressed Adam’s face and Adam nudged into the touch.
“I love you,” said Tommy quietly.
Adam kept his hands on Tommy’s hips but something made him linger, not rush this.
“Adam, I’m so sorry for making it such a difficult journey to this… to us. Will you…” Tommy traced his hand along Adam’s arm, “let me make it up to you?” his fingers touching Adam so tenderly and so lovingly, it felt too much. A lump formed in Adam’s throat. What was wrong with him, really? He was here, with the love of his life in his arms, who has just agreed to live with him in this amazing house. Yet, he felt like he was about to cry and every tender touch, every loving stare that Tommy gave him, every kiss only pushed him closer to the edge where he would crumble and fall apart.
“Adam, what’s wrong?” asked Tommy. He slid off from Adam’s lap and sat next to him and looked him in the eye worriedly.
Adam avoided looking at him though.
“Adam?” asked Tommy again and took Adam’s hand in his and held it gently. Adam finally turned to look at him. He looked as if he was trying his best not to cry.
“I… I don’t know I guess I just was not ready for you to actually say yes,” he said. And then, surprising even himself, added, “I never expected you to say yes to anything at all. Starting from that night in Tokyo, I expected you to run away when I told you I wanted you. And you stayed with me instead. When I walked in on you with Sutan, I expected you to choose him over me. And you did exactly the opposite. When I thought you were just experimenting with me, you told me you wanted to be my boyfriend. Lately I thought we were on the verge of breaking up. I thought you changed your mind about this whole bisexual thing and it was too much for you after all. All this pressure and your mum… And you just… got over it and stayed with me again…”
Tommy was listening with more and more shock and finally couldn’t keep silent anymore and just had to interrupt, “Adam, what are you even talking about? I wasn’t going to break up with you! Why would you even suggest this?”
Adam looked at Tommy and sighed heavily.
“It’s not you, Tommy, not your fault, it’s all me. Don’t you see it? I never expect you to say yes to me. Because…” Adam paused and continued with difficulty as if he was making himself talk against his will. “Because it is never a yes to me. Nobody has ever said yes to me, not when it mattered, not in the long run and not cuz they loved me. Before you came along.” Adam turned to Tommy and looked at him like Tommy was some kind of a miracle.
Tommy felt a lump in his throat now too. Many things made sense now - things that he didn’t even give much thought before. That first night in Tokyo, how scared Adam was to admit his feelings. How he always seemed surprised that Tommy was still there, still stuck around. How shocked he was, when Tommy said he wanted to be his boyfriend. And the most horrible thing, in this new light now, what he did with Sutan seemed so much worse - realising how badly it cut into Adam’s insecurities…
And Tommy had no idea what to say to this. He hugged Adam tightly instead and held him for the longest time. He heard quiet sobs and just held his man tighter. He sure needed to get it out of his system.
“I am right here, baby,” he echoed the words Adam himself told him not so long ago. “And I am going to stay, whether you’re ready for it or not,” he added. Adam finally broke their embrace and looked at Tommy, his eyes red.
“I wanted you to be with me so badly,” Adam said. “can’t believe this is real, you and me, here, together…” Tommy kissed him instead of an answer, urgently, passionately, as if afraid that Adam’s insecurities would take him away from this, from them.
“And I was afraid to even want this,” said Tommy when they came up for air. “How badly broken we are, really?”
“We can be broken together,” smiled Adam. He seemed to be calming down.
“Yeah,” answered Tommy. “That we can do and do it in style.”
“Speaking of style,” Tommy added, “this room is gorgeous and I love the fireplace, but I really don’t want to have sex on the floor. The bed in my room seemed more comfortable.”
“Your room?” grinned Adam.
“Yeah. The one with guitars,” Tommy smiled and stood up and went to the hall, pausing only to look behind at Adam and sending him such a burning pointed stare that Adam all but jumped and followed suit.
As soon as they reached the threshold of the bedroom, Tommy pulled Adam towards him and kissed his man passionately.
“I really want to make it up to you,” he whispered in Adam’s ear, his hands on Adam’s chest, lips kissing a trail down Adam’s throat.
“You don’t need to…” started Adam but Tommy interrupted him with another kiss.
“Do not reject this,” he said and something about the way he said it, something resolute and powerful in his voice, made Adam lose all the words he was going to say.
“You do what I say tonight,” added Tommy as he reached for Adam’s belt and started undoing it.
“Ok,” was all Adam could say before Tommy tugged at his t-shirt, took it off his man, pushed him on the bed and started taking off his own clothes as Adam watched him from the bed with hunger in his eyes. Adam pulled Tommy by the hand and made the smaller man fall on him and laugh. Tommy straddled Adam and looked at his man intently.
Adam put his hands on Tommy’s hips and smiled gently.
“What baby?” he asked. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I…” Tommy paused, looking for words. “I want something different tonight.”
“Oh… I’m intrigued,” said Adam. “What do you have in mind?”
“I want you,” said Tommy. “I want to make love to you.”
“Wow. Erm.. I didn’t know you were even thinking about this,” Adam propped himself on his elbows and looked at Tommy curiously.
“Well, I was,” answered Tommy as he was caressing Adam’s arm absentmindedly with his hand. “I mean… only if you want to. I don’t even know if you are into this kind of stuff,” he added insecurely.
“You don’t know if I like to bottom?” smiled Adam mischievously.
“Well, yeah. Do you?” asked Tommy and looked at Adam.
“Sometimes I do,” answered Adam. “Depends on the mood, you know. But… what brought this on? I thought you only…” he paused, also careful with words.
“Only like you to fuck me?” Tommy finished the sentence and it made them both giggle. “Don’t get me wrong, I love it when you take me. And lately I started feeling like I am holding back with you. I want everything with you, explore everything with you. And,” Tommy lowered closer and kissed Adam’s neck again, “I want to feel it too, that you are mine. Because,” he moved his kisses down to Adam’s chest, “I am definitely and hopelessly yours”.
Adam pulled Tommy back to face him and kissed him hard, almost biting his lips.
“Feel it, Tommy,” said Adam. “I want everything with you too. Always wanted…” They kissed again and Tommy didn’t hold back anymore. He kissed Adam again and again, covered his whole body with kisses, touched his man lovingly, mounted him, owned him.
Adam gasped when Tommy entered him, his hands up, Tommy holding them, moving inside him. They wouldn’t stop looking at each other, both shocked at the new level of closeness they were feeling.
Tommy collapsed on top of Adam as they both came and they stayed that way for long minutes on end, listening to each other’s breath. They were silent, their hands entwined. Tommy was caressing Adam’s chest and his face.
“I feel different,” said Tommy quietly. “We are different…” he caressed Adam’s face gently and looked up at him. “Do you remember that night in Tokyo?”
Adam held Tommy’s hand and kissed it.
“I’ll never forget it, baby,” he answered.
“We are not the same,” said Tommy quietly. “It was only a few months ago but it feels like a lifetime ago.”
“Yeah, I know the feeling,” said Adam and held Tommy close to him. “So, what do you think?” he asked, studying Tommy’s face. “Is this something you’d like to do again?”
Tommy smiled and tucked his face under Adam’s chin.
“Sometimes, yeah.”
“I really am yours, Tommy,” said Adam and flipped them so that he was on top of Tommy now. “And you are mine,” he said as he pinned Tommy to the bed and showed his man how much he really meant that.
***
The crowd went wild as the band came out on stage. The screaming almost deafened Tommy for a moment. He should have been ready for the onslaught of sounds and bright lights after so many moments just like this and so many stages, yet he wasn’t. It was the last concert of the tour and he wasn’t ready for that either, even though a break was very much welcome.
As Adam was introducing the band, he came up to Tommy.
„Ladies and gentlemen, this is Tommy Joe. You like him? He’s the bass player. And you wanna know something funny? He likes girls. I always felt sorry about this.” Adam paused dramatically. “Well, I was sorry until he became my boyfriend.“ The crowd screamed as he kissed Tommy possessively. “Girls, you got this right, he’s taken now,” he laughed and went on to introduce Monte.
THE END