Archive of Our Own ^beta

The sun’s only just risen, but it’s shining right into Dex’s eyes like there’s no tomorrow, lighting up the front yard of the Haus like the first page of a new beginning. It’s warm out already, summer getting closer, and the sweater he’s wearing has gone from being mostly obsolete to genuinely inconvenient. Still, there’s something about this moment, drenched in golden sunlight, that sticks with him. The air tastes like the coffee in his hand, smells like the ease and simplicity of an everyday life.

He’s just glad to be here. Despite what it took, despite how much it hurt to get here, he’s just so glad . It wasn’t exactly worth it , in the way where he thinks this is the payoff, because he knows better than to thin he deserved all of it, the struggling through high school and the loneliness and the never having a real home and the not quite knowing who he was or how to exist, but at the end of it all he got this moment, its complete lack of significance, its utter normalcy, and that’s certainly something.

He drains what’s left of his coffee, and thinks about the concept of having a team, a family, a home. He thinks about how someone’s going to walk out the front door of the Haus any minute now looking for him, how there’ll be breakfast ready to go as soon as Bitty gets up and some Saturday morning chaos to go with it. He thinks about how he didn’t realise he was missing out on so much until he felt what it was like to belong somewhere; to belong in his own body, to belong here, at this school, and to belong with these people. He didn’t know he could have this, but now doesn’t know how to live without it.

Sure enough, before he can really delve into thinking about how it was before Samwell, before the team, Shitty bursts out the door, entirely naked, yelling about waffles being almost ready to go. He nods at Dex, holds up the middle finger to the few LAX bros sitting on their porch across the road, and goes back inside. Nursey appears in his place, thankfully clothed like a normal person, and walks over to Dex, holds a hand out to help him up from where’s he’s sitting under the tree.

“Alright, Poindexter?” he asks, a soft smile on his face, bright sunlight behind him, lighting up his hair like a misshapen halo.

“Alright, Nurse,” Dex replies, and if Nursey doesn’t drop his hand once he stands up, Dex isn’t really one to complain.

It’s the good kind of morning. An easy one, a normal one. It’s not even too good to be true anymore; it feels more real than anything else Dex has known for a long time.

It’s not quite luck that brought him here, because he thinks he does actually deserve to have this, but he feels lucky nonetheless.

It’s nice.

There’s people milling around on the deck, in the yard, and all through the Haus, but Dex manages to find his way out the front to sit on the stairs. He’s not, like, running away from the party or anything, he’s not trying to escape, because he has a perfectly functional bedroom upstairs for that exact purpose if he needs it - which he doesn’t. He just needed a little break, that’s all.

Parties still aren’t really his thing. He doesn’t hate them; wouldn’t be possible to hate them, living in the Haus. He does sometimes struggle with the crowds and the drunkenness and all the people that suddenly want to get all up in his space. It’s overwhelming at times, so he’s learnt to know when he needs a break, where to go and how to calm down.  

He isn’t expecting anyone on the deck to approach him right now; he’s giving off some subtle, and polite, but still clear ‘don’t talk to me’ vibes, just trying to catch his breath. He certainly isn’t expecting anyone on the team to coming looking for him, because surely they’ve all learnt by now that he’s okay, he just needs space, and if he wants to talk to someone he’ll go looking.

Sometimes, Nursey will poke at Dex’s boundaries, and Dex… doesn’t mind it much any more. He doesn’t acknowledge it, but these days his ‘don’t talk to me’ mode is really something more along the lines of ‘don’t talk to me unless your name is Derek Nurse and you’re here to annoy me’. It’s not a thing, not exactly, not in the way that some of the guys like to act like it is, it’s just that the two of them basically live in each other’s pockets now, and Dex is finally comfortable with Nursey invading his physical space, which, you know. Tends to happen when you’re roommates. Practically unavoidable, actually.

The point stands: Dex isn’t expecting anyone to talk to him or get in his space right now, because the only person who would is Nursey, and Nursey is – busy. Not that Dex keeps tabs or anything (of course he does, however, that’s not what he’s thinking about right now), but he happened to see Nursey on his way out the door, and the guy kind of had his hands full. Dex is trying not to be shitty about it, because it is so deeply not his business whether or his roommate is trying to hook up with one of the boys on the soccer team tonight. But – still. Something about seeing Nursey grinning, flirting with some guy, made Dex rush out the door just that little bit faster.

Dex doesn’t think he’s like, entitled to Nursey or anything. Not at all. He’s more than used to Nursey having a million and one admirers, more than used to being sexiled from their room from time to time and hearing Nursey talk about the cute people he falls in love with for all of five minutes at least twice a day. Dex got over it ages ago, because of course Derek Nurse was never going to consider Dex an option. That would just be – impossible.

There’s a million reasons why, too, and Dex keeps a mental list of them just for when he needs to remind himself from time to time, when Nursey gets too cuddly with him or Dex gets too desperate. Nursey and Dex are so different, so incongruent, that sometimes it’s a wonder they’ve managed to maintain a friendship at all, let alone be roommates without many disasters. Nursey is chill , while Dex runs on anger; Nursey is smooth, even when he trips over the air, while Dex turns bright red in most social situations and has a gracelessness so strong it seems impossible; Nursey is cool, and popular, while Dex has to work his ass off to convince people on his team that he’s worth liking.

Somehow, Dex has never considered himself being trans as a factor in their relationship (or lack of), and maybe that’s what has always drawn him to Derek Nurse. Because Nursey couldn’t be more aware of all the things Dex is most terrified of people knowing, and none of it has been an issue. He hadn’t always believed it would be okay, but somewhere between the tenth time Nursey reminded Dex to take his binder off after a workout and the time he punched some LAX bro in the face for misgendering Dex, Dex started trusting him to be fine with trans stuff.

So no, Dex isn’t upset that Nursey’s probably about to hook up with some member of the soccer team, because he has no right to be. Nursey is one of the best people in Dex’s life, and he knows how lucky he is to even have the guy as a friend, but Nursey’s never going to see Dex like that, no matter how Dex feels. It isn’t worth hoping for.

Dex tries not to let himself get swept up thinking about Nursey, and whether or not Dex is going to be kicked out of the room tonight, whether this soccer kid could be the one Nursey finally settles down for. It’s fucking ridiculous to get carried away thinking about this kind of thing, so he turns his mind back to the people milling around the front yard, making sure nothing too outrageous is happening.  

Right as he’s trying to figure out how close to getting naked the couple making out against the tree are, a body sits down heavily right next to Dex, and he looks over, judgmental ‘for the love of god leave me alone’ face ready to go.

To his surprise, it’s Nursey, an easy grin on his face and a (mostly empty) red solo cup in his hand. Dex’s heart starts beating a little faster. He huffs out an angry breath - it’s mostly aimed at his traitorous heart, but appears to be directed at Nursey.

Nursey leans towards Dex like he’s about to lean on his shoulder but pulls away and sits up a little straighter after a second, hesitation on his face. Dex understands, because it’s not a secret that he gets touchy about people getting in his personal space, especially when said people are drunk. But it’s not – this is the whole thing, right, because Nursey doesn’t fit in the same box as everyone else. Dex tries not to waste time willing the universe to let Nursey put his head on Dex’s shoulder for real.

“How’s your night going, Nurse?” Dex asks, when he’s caught his breath enough for it not to be obvious that he’s overwhelmed.

He smiles at Nursey in a way he hopes says ‘it’s okay if you wanna lean on my shoulder, you know’ and. Well, Nursey always could read him like a book. He rubs his face into Dex’s shoulder, and then doesn’t move it, so his response is muffled, but the ‘reading him well’ thing goes both ways.

“’s good, Poindexter. ‘S real good. Yours?”

“Well, it was good until a certain teammate of mine showed up and started bothering me…”

Nursey laughs at that, moving his head to look up at Dex, and his huffed breath brushes Dex’s neck. Dex tries with everything he has not to shiver, then gives Nursey another smile. The things that this boy does to him.

Dex doesn’t want to ask Nursey about the soccer kid, but he needs to know what to prepare for.

“Hey Nursey?”

“Yeah, Dexy?”

Dex huffs a laugh.

“I saw you back there with the kid from the soccer team, did you want me to – crash with Chowder tonight or something?”

“Who, Sam? Nah, dude, not gonna happen. He’s alright, but he’s not –“ Nurse cuts himself off with a glance at Dex, then goes on with a sigh, “Doesn’t matter anyway, think I need an early night. I’ll probably head up soon.”

He seems to settle down for a second, and Dex is about to open his mouth and try to find something to say, but Nursey starts speaking again.

“Unless… unless you wanted me to crash somewhere? If you need the room you know you’re welcome to just ask, man. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with getting a bit of action, eh?”

Dex doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so he just smiles sadly instead, suddenly exhausted.

“Thanks man, but I’m more than fine. I might head to bed now anyway, I’ve got an assignment to work on tomorrow, and unlike you, I need sleep to function.”

“You say that,” Nursey starts, whatever hesitation was on his face before now completely gone, getting up from the stairs they’d been sitting on to head back into the Haus, “but I’m pretty sure I get more sleep than you most of the time.”

“Only because you can sleep like the dead in literally any setting, you goddamn idiot,” Dex starts, as the two of them walk inside together, without actually acknowledging that they’re ditching the party early, together, and by this point the grin is a permanent fixture on his face.

Dex is on the lawn, playing a surprisingly competitive version of keep-it-up with Bits, Tango and Bully, when he realises he’s not really feeling his best.

It seems obvious, like the kind of thing he should be capable of noticing before it’s been going for hours, but he’s used to trying to ignore discomfort, to quieting the voice in his head telling him things aren’t okay.

Next time he gets sent out of the game (seriously, it’s competitive), he takes a seat on the grass, and pulls out his phone. Nursey is upstairs, he thinks, pretending to work on an assignment due in less than a week. He’d be down here if he actually wanted to play, Dex knows, but still. Dex wants to be around him, but doesn’t want to force himself back inside; he’d feel trapped. He texts Nursey.

Will Poindexter, 2:45pm:

Come join our game of keep it up?

Nursey reads it almost immediately, which definitely means he’s procrastinating, but no typing bubble appears, and after a few minutes Dex figures that’s a resounding no. He doesn’t want to force it, couldn’t stand to make Nursey mad, but there’s something under his skin telling him he has to be honest to get what he wants.

He’s never been good at honesty, so instead he tries to let Nursey read between the lines.

Will Poindexter, 2:48pm

please?

He puts the phone down, figures if that doesn’t sell it then there’s no point agonising, and starts taking some deliberately deep breaths. The game has escalated, somehow, and Bitty has a look on his face like he might actually break bones on his way to get the ball. His own or someone else’s, Dex isn’t sure.

He turns away from the game when he hears the front door creak open, only to see Nursey walking out to join them.

Wordless, Nursey sits down next to him, facing the game but head turned to watch Dex.

“Everything okay?” he asks, softly and quietly, so the others can’t hear them and so Dex can feel his heart break into a few pieces, in the fun kind of way, if there’s ever a fun kind of way for that sort of thing.

Dex pulls some grass up from the ground, for something to do, and Nursey looks like he wants to stop him destroying the Haus’ only vegetation, but he doesn’t.

“Everything’s fine,” Dex says, a half-truth, “you really didn’t have to – I didn’t mean to drag you out here, dude. I’m sorry for disrupting your study sesh.”

Study sesh. He is spending way too much time with Nursey. He finds he doesn’t hate it.

Nursey rolls his eyes, says, “Don’t be an idiot, idiot. You know it’s what I’m here for. My ‘study sesh’ can wait. You don’t have to – deal with shit alone.”

Dex heart is doing something, but he ignores it. Fucking Nursey, always being too good to Dex, like he doesn’t realise it just makes Dex fall in love with him more.

Anyway, Dex is fine.

“I’m fine,” he says, “nothing actually happened.”

Nursey just looks at him. Somehow, they always fall into deep conversations without any pretence. And again, Dex finds he doesn’t loathe that particular tendency.

“I just – yeah, I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I should be more upset than I am, or whatever. Like, after everything with my family? Maybe I have a right to be upset, and maybe that means I should be upset, even though being happy just feels so – easy, here, most of the time. I dunno, it seems dumb. I guess I just don’t really know how I should be feeling.”

Nursey forces an unamused laugh. Tango falls over diving for the ball, and narrowly avoids his face making contact with the concrete footpath. Nursey huffs a slightly-more-amused laugh.

“Bud, I’ll be the first to tell you that you’re more than allowed to be upset about the shit that’s happened to you in the past. But don’t ever think that means you’re obligated to feel one way or another. If you’re happy, after everything, that’s the best thing you could be. It’s... the biggest fuck you to the people who have hurt you, for you to be in a good place now. I know what it’s like not to know how to feel, but don’t drag yourself down thinking you should be sadder than you are. Bitty’s a cheesy little shit, but he’s right when he says you have a loving family right here, with the team. You don’t have to worry about that other family of yours if you’re happier not to.”

The ball bounces off Bully’s head directly towards Dex and Nursey, and Nursey jumps up to catch it but ends up falling over, on top of Dex. Lying down, mostly sprawled on Dex’s lap, he looks up at Dex and grins, the ball forgotten.

Dex knows Nursey is aware of how hopeless he is with emotional conversations, and it almost feels like this was on purpose. He ruffles Nursey’s hair, kisses Nursey on the forehead (the others are distracted by their retrieval of the ball, okay, it’s fine), and says “Thanks, Derek.”

Dex is pretty sure that if Nursey had Dex’s complexion, his face would be bright red right now. Dex himself isn’t faring that much better, but he can’t quite bring himself to regret it, not when Nursey drags him over to join back in on the game and everything feels just a little bit better than it did, a tad more stable, an inch more secure.

Nursey looks – Dex doesn’t even know how to describe it, because he’s seen Nursey cleaned up for award dinners, and in designer business-casual outfits, and in everyday casual clothes about a thousand times, and they’re all fucking beautiful looks, but today is just... something else.

Most of Dex’s brain is stuck on a cycle of I didn’t know it was possible to love someone this much, and it’s true. Even more so, he didn’t think he’d ever get someone in his life that he loved this much.

Moments like these, he has to think about how unbelievable it is that he ended up here, with Nursey but also with the team, at Samwell. Not least because it’s the day of the Boston pride parade, and most of the Samwell Men’s Hockey team is going.

They’re all wearing some kind of pride gear, from Bitty’s pride flag wrapped around his shoulders to Bully’s tiny pride pin, and the front lawn is chaos as Jack tries to get photos of them all (but mostly of Bits). Shitty’s painted his ‘stache in a rainbow and keeps trying to wipe his face on Lardo’s shoulder, to the latter’s dismay.

Nursey, who Dex is still freaking out over, is wearing a god damn pride crop-top, and the shortest pair of booty shorts Dex has ever seen him in. It’s fucking painful , how good he looks.

Dex is… not really dressed for the occasion. And it’s complicated, of course it is, but he just wasn’t planning on -

The thing is, the team has been going every year since Dex was a frog. Most of them have known that Dex is trans since the very beginning, but he’s never gone with them to the parade. They’ve always encouraged him to join them, and they’ve always had good reasons why he should go, but it’s just a bit too difficult for him to go through with. Being openly, happily and proudly himself in a public space, in a ‘fuck you’ kind of way, has always felt just a step out of reach, no matter how far he’s come by now.

Part of it, he’s sure, is because pride parades were always his family’s favourite time to remind everyone where they stood on the matter; every member of his immediate family was one of those people standing beside a pride parade, holding signs covered in slurs, pretending to represent a religion. Dex himself only got out of it by the skin of his teeth, and it cost him more than it should have, to tell his family no .

The boys have assured him that this one never has anti-pride protesters, and he believes them, he does, but he can’t stop the voice in his head saying what if? What if this year is the year that changes? What if today is the day his family decide to look for him? What if something goes wrong? What if he can’t be himself out there the way the team has let him for years?

This is the third year in a row he’s refused to attend, and he knows it gets to Nursey, even if Nursey never brings it up. So maybe, just maybe, considering how much things have changed, how much he’s been taking stock of his new life and trying to let himself move on from what once was, his resolve is slipping this year. He’s not dressed, not ready to go, but it’s not like dramatic pride gear is a requirement, and he knows it. Maybe starting small is the way to go; maybe next year he’ll go all out, do a full Bitty. Maybe this year his blue jeans and beige t-shirt are enough.

Or maybe he’ll just stay sat on the stairs and watch everyone else go to pride. Maybe he’ll leave it for next year, tell himself the twist in his gut isn’t regret and go back inside to study.

Maybe.

Nursey, because he’s a terrifying psychic and he lives to torture Dex specifically in the best ways, seems to sense that Dex is changing his mind, and makes his way over.

“Having a change of heart yet, Dexy?”

“Is that what you guys are waiting for? Me changing my mind? You could be here a while.”

Nursey doesn’t look disappointed, because Nursey is a literal saint. This is why Dex will never deserve him.

“You know I’m not gonna force it, man,” Nursey starts, and he’s being so damn kind, Dex can feel his face going bright red, “but you know we’d all really like having you there. I really think you’d love it, bud.”

And Dex believes him, he does. He wants to go, but he can’t quiet the fear in the back of his head, that noisy what if . He’s not saying he wants Nursey to force it, but he does think if he didn’t have a choice in the matter he’d be more on board - if he knew he wouldn’t have to blame himself if something went wrong. Not that he’d blame anyone else, just that he wouldn’t feel like the others were weighed down by his mistake. He guesses.

Not that anything will go wrong. But he is – probably, at least – going to go, he thinks. Certainly if Nursey has anything to do with it.

Furthering Dex’s idea that Nursey is a psychic, he chooses that moment to stand up and hold a hand out for Dex to stand up with him. As soon as Dex is on his feet though, Nursey leans down, grabs onto Dex around the hips, throws Dex over his shoulders, and takes off running.

“Oh for – NURSEY, put me down! Fucking hell!”

The others stop their photoshoot to watch on and laugh, other than Jack, who looks a little worried. Dex would shoot him a reassuring glance if he weren’t upside down and mostly fearing for his life.

Nursey does a lap of the yard, Dex haphazardly dangling on his shoulder, before he stops and lets Dex down.

There’s a moment of quiet, when everyone else goes back to what they were doing but Nursey and Dex just look at each other, and Dex isn’t sure what to do, what to say, so it’s Nursey that breaks the silence.

“So. You’re coming then, right Dexy? To pride? With the gang?”

“Don’t call them a gang,” Dex says, to be contrary. Nursey just glares, but he’s grinning too.

“Fine,” Dex breathes out, quiet but enough that Nursey hears him, “I’m coming to pride. But I’m not – I don’t like, have any pride gear or anything. What I’m wearing is just going to have to do, sorry dude.”

Nursey has this look on his face, like he’s not even a little bit surprised, just thrilled regardless, and he says, “That’s fine, but I’m sure Bits would be more than happy to use some of his face paint to draw some flags on you if you wanted?”

Dex has to admit that the idea is a pretty good one, and he doesn’t even bother considering if it’s too dangerous to be in public with his identity drawn on his face, because for all that he used to hide that side of him at all costs, the team means safety for him. Worrying about that is obsolete; the biggest hurdle is getting to the parade, but once he’s there no one will care why, not in a bad way anyway.  

So he heads over to Bitty and tells him the plan. Bits looks like he wants to cry a bit, probably out of happiness, but he goes along with it, pulls out his face paint and tells Dex to hold still.

When Dex walks back over to Nursey, who’s mid conversation with the tadpoles, he’s got two near-impeccable flags painted on his cheeks, a trans flag on one and a bi flag on the other. Nursey looks up from the conversation to smile at Dex as he joins, but if he’s surprised about the bi flag (which, Dex thinks, he has a right to be, since Dex never really told him about being bi), he doesn’t show it.

The tadpoles let Dex into the conversation without hesitation, and Dex thinks, not for the first time, that here, with these people, is right where he belongs.

The night air is calming, and it helps Dex cool down. It doesn’t escape him that he spends a weird amount of time in the front yard of the Haus, considering its relative lack of anything interesting.

Something about being out in the open, being in a place he calls home but not feeling trapped, calls to him, always has. Not that he’s ever felt this at home anywhere else, but still - he’s not a camping type, or anything, but he’s always tried to spend time outside when he got overwhelmed.

He watches clouds pass by, stars emerging and disappearing behind them, and he thinks that maybe it helps him because it reminds him that the world is still turning, that the universe is still… operating correctly. The night sky says to him nothing has changed, however it feels, and it helps. It reminds him that things can’t switch just like this, they’ll go back to normal.

I know there might not have been anyone around to teach it to you is rattling around Dex’s brain, and he remembers Nursey, face pinched and voice raising to something like a yell, to go with it.

It shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did. He’s pretty sure it wasn’t supposed to; if there’s anything he knows about Nursey, it’s that whatever he says in the moment, he never means it to really hurt. And he’s said stuff in the moment before that’s struck a chord with Dex, and most of the time Dex takes that as a chance to yell back, let off steam, but this time leaving had felt like the only option.

I know there might not have been anyone around to teach it to you, but when you love someone you learn to accept their flaws, not hate them, he’d said, and the words had hung heavily in the room, followed only by the sound of Dex walking away, shutting the door between him and Nursey. He could have responded, should have maybe, but he wasn’t sure what to say. It hurt too much. There was no coming back from that.

They’d started out fighting about the state of their bedroom, which was so normal that if Dex didn’t know better he’d say this had come out of nowhere. Dex was mad because Nursey leaves his shit everywhere, Nursey was mad because he thinks Dex only yells at him about it when he wants to piss Nursey off. Dex said something about what it says about Nursey that he can’t keep the room clean, and Nursey had said – that. That when you love someone you learn to accept their flaws. That Dex might not have had anyone around to teach it to him , clearly meaning ‘love’ more than accepting flaws. And it’s true, which is why it hurt – Dex has never fucking known what loving someone looks like. He doesn’t think he ever saw it in his parents, especially not towards him, and Nursey knows it.

And sure, Nursey’s right, because Dex loves Nursey, and he loves him with his flaws, not despite them. But it wasn’t – not only is Dex no damn good at admitting when he’s wrong, that also wasn’t the part of the sentence that cut into Dex’s heart. Nursey looked like he regretted that before it was out of his mouth, at least, so an apology was probably on the way, and Dex could spare one as well.

But there’s another part of it that matters too. Because this didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s like they’ve been gearing for a fight for almost a week, and Nursey’s been acting really fucking weird about Dex the last month or so. Dex isn’t sure what to do with it other than yell. And now, amidst the weirdness they’re not talking about, Nursey says love. Like he means it from experience, like it’s something that applies to their situation.

Like Nursey loves Dex, flaws and all, and wants Dex to know it.

And Dex is never one to read into things, but it felt so clear in the way Nursey said it, in the weight with which the words hung in the air after they’d been said. He knows the team say they love each other all the time, because they’re a family, and they always want to show how much they care about each other. But this is different, Dex thinks, a different kind of love, and he doesn’t know what to do with that.

So what if he’s not a romantic like Nursey? So what if he’s got a goddamn mental list of all the reasons Derek Nurse would never fall for him? He’s still human. He still wants to believe that the person he’s been in love with for years is an actual possibility; he wants to believe he’s good enough for Nursey, even when they fight and yell and say awful things to each other.

He sits down underneath one of the trees, lets his head fall back against the tree trunk, and closes his eyes. He doesn’t know what to think, and he doesn’t know how to ask Nursey what that was about. Before he can start the whole overthinking process all over again, though, there’s a hand on his shoulder, warm and tentative.

Dex opens his eyes, and turns around to find Nursey sitting right beside him.

“I’m really sorry, Will,” Nursey says, regret and sincerity palpable. Dex believes him; he couldn’t not.

“Yeah,” Dex responds after a second, “I’m sorry too. I never should have pushed like that.”

Nursey shakes his head.

“You know as well as I do that it’s not your fault. I’m serious, man, I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it. I hope you know I’d… never deliberately hurt you, and if I did hurt you then I’m really, really sorry.”

He didn’t mean it.

Well, that settles that then. He didn’t mean it, didn’t mean any of it. Nursey didn’t mean to make it sound like he was in love with Dex, because he isn’t. Because Dex is a goddamn idiot to ever think he might have been.

Dex isn’t blinking back tears, because why would he be? Nursey doesn’t love him. Of course he doesn’t.

“Yeah, I know. You’re good, man. I know you didn’t mean it, it’s fine.”

There’s a pause, and they both just listen to the night, like they know there’s more to be said but aren’t sure what it is.

Dex opens his mouth, tries to force the words out of his mouth, sticking in his throat like a ball of rusted wire.

“You’re right, you know. I think you knew that, which is why you said it. So... you’re right. About me never getting to see what it’s like to love someone. About there being no-one around when I was growing up who could show me. I don’t blame you for saying it, because it’s true.”

Nursey looks at Dex, and he looks so sad, Dex doesn’t know what to do with it. He doesn’t apologise again, but Dex can tell he wants to. He doesn’t need to.

“You’ve got us now,” Nursey says instead, “and we’re here to show you. You know we all love you.”

Dex does know. He couldn’t be more thankful. Some days, he still wonders what he did to deserve this team, this family , but most days he leaves it be. He’s glad to be here.

And the reminder Nursey is giving him, that he loves Dex but not like that , he won’t let it upset him. He’s so lucky already to have Nursey in his life, as his friend, as part of this family. He wouldn’t dare ask for more, when this already makes him so happy.

+1.

It’s been a week since Dex and Nursey had their fight, since Dex was reminded that Nursey will never feel the same way, and everything’s gone back to normal.

Well, a relative version of normal, anyway. Nursey’s still acting weird around Dex, like he has been for a month or so, and now Chowder’s joined in on the weird behaviour. Dex can’t figure out if the two problems are related or not, but he wants to avoid starting more shit with Nursey, so he doesn’t ask his roommate about it. Instead, he goes to Chowder.

He doesn’t ask outright; Chowder’s incredibly smart, obviously, and he’s not going to overlook Dex asking about what the problem is. Dex has never told him about his feelings for Nursey, but he has a suspicion that Chowder knows anyway.

So instead of asking, Dex just drops some hints, makes sure to mention Nursey in conversation while Dex and Chowder are doing some coding homework in Chowder’s room.

Chowder, as well as being incredibly smart, is an absolutely wonderful friend. So given the reminder of Nursey, he immediately puts on a worried but cautious face, chewing on his bottom lip and giving Dex some serious eyebrow furrows.

“God, I’m getting worried about Nursey. He’s not taking it well, and I’m not sure what to do.”

Dex feels himself snap to attention at the comment, furrowing his own eyebrows in return.

“Worried about him? What do you mean? Why?”

Chowder gives him the same face he gives new freshers when they ask why the team eats so many pies.

“Dex, come on. You live with him, there’s no way you haven’t noticed it. Don’t play dumb.”

Dex is genuinely alarmed now, and he tries to push down the building sense of regret and anger at himself. If something’s wrong with Nursey and Dex didn’t notice –

“Because he’s been so sad recently, y’know? Like, he told me it’s not depression, which is really good, but he’s acting like nothing is wrong when everyone can tell he’s really upset about what happened, even Whiskey asked me what was wrong, and I – I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, Dex, it’s not like it’s your fault or anything, but I really am worried about him, and I wonder if maybe you should –”

Dex feels himself getting angrier; not at Chowder, but he’s getting stressed, and they all know when he’s worked up he starts yelling. He should feel bad about it, and he will, but right now he just wants to know what’s going on.

“Chowder, what do you mean he’s upset about ‘what happened’? What did happen? Am I meant to know about this?”

Chowder stops abruptly, and looks at Dex like he has two heads.

“What do you mean what do I mean? You know exactly what happened, Dex. Last time I checked, you were there when it happened.”

“See, you keep saying ‘it,’ but I have no idea what the fuck you’re on about! What happened?”

Dex is definitely yelling.

“He told you he’s in love with you!” Chowder shouts, and Dex takes a physical step back. “And you never said anything to him about it, you didn’t say it back, you just left him hanging, which I still think is weird because I was sure that you – so honestly, I thought this would work out fine, because I thought you’d just tell him that – but then, of course, you’re not obligated to say anything, certainly not to feel anything, so I don’t blame you, of course I don’t Dex, but I have to say I don’t really understand why you –”

Dex cuts him off again, yells, “Chowder!”

“Yes?”

“What do you mean he told me he’s in love with me? Because as far as I recall, that- definitely didn’t happen. I’m pretty sure I’d remember if it did.”

Chowder just stops, and stares at Dex. He looks kind of like he wants to kill Dex right now, which is probably fair enough, but Dex doesn’t understand why. Dex is sure he would know if Nursey had ever said such a thing, and he doesn’t understand why any of this would make Nursey so sad, or how he could have missed Nursey being sad. None of it makes sense.

“On Thursday, Dex. When you guys had that fight, and he accidentally told you he loved you, and then said that other thing that was pretty mean? And he said you were upset, and he didn’t blame you, so he went to apologise for the shitty thing he said, and you forgave him – or, at least that’s what Nursey told me. But then even after you guys sorted that out, he said you just – never acknowledged the love part, never said it back or told him you didn’t feel the same way or anything, so he assumed you didn’t feel the same way and wanted to forget about it as soon as possible, which he keeps saying is fine, and it is, but he’s been so upset about it this week, so maybe just- I don’t know, don’t leave him hanging, just make it clear you don’t feel the same way? It’s not up to me, obviously, what you do. I thought you knew how upset he was.”

Dex sits down on Chowder’s bed, less out of choice and more because suddenly standing up doesn’t seem feasible. He wants to yell some more, because he’s been through this, the hope and the belief and the feeling of maybe , and he promised himself he wouldn’t let his hopes get back up again. But here’s Chowder, saying this like it’s a fact, like Nursey said he loved Dex, like he never turned around and said –

“He didn’t mean it,” Dex finally says. “He made some comment about how he loved me and so he accepted my flaws, and then I left and he came to find me and told me he didn’t mean what he’d said, that he was sorry. He didn’t mean it, C. Of fucking course he didn’t.”

Chowder is silent for a second, looking at Dex like he still thinks he’s crazy but he feels a bit bad for him anyway.

“Why would he say it if he didn’t mean it?” Chowder asks. “What would he get out of making a - a love confession if it wasn’t true?”

“Love confession, really man? Well, why would he take it back if he meant it in the first place?” Dex counters, because that’s what it comes down to.

“I… honestly,” Chowder starts, “I’m like 100% sure that’s not the part that he took back. When he told you he didn’t mean it, he meant the thing about your family. Trust me, he wasn’t trying to take the rest of it back.”

Dex is frozen. He doesn’t know what to say, what to do. He doesn’t know how to believe it, after everything.

“So you’re saying…” Dex starts, then doesn’t know how to finish.

“I’m saying, you should have this conversation with Nursey and not me, but if you do feel that way about him – I promise you it’s mutual.”

Dex, despite the number of times that he’s vowed not to let it happen again, hopes . He basically decides ‘fuck it’, and figures he may as well give it a shot. One last shot, just in case.

He gives Chowder a hug, because this whole process must have been excruciating for the guy, and thanks him. Then he walks out of Chowder’s room, and goes to find Nursey. Who loves him, apparently.

When Dex walks into his and Nursey’s room, he immediately finds Nursey sitting at the desk, headphones on and pen in his hand, staring blankly at the whiteboard.

Dex knows from experience that Nursey can hear him over the headphones, just sometimes pretends not to, so he starts talking, doesn’t wait for Nursey to acknowledge Dex at all.

“Did you mean it, Nursey? Did you? Because all this time I’ve been damn sure you specifically told me you ‘didn’t mean it’, but now Chowder’s doing his sad-worried-disappointed routine and I refuse to take responsibility for that, or the fact that you’ve apparently been sad this whole week but went out of your way to make sure I didn’t notice. So I have to ask, because clearly I haven’t put my damn heart through the ringer enough, did you mean what you said?”

Dex finishes speaking, and Nursey finally takes his headphones off and blinks up at Dex in a way that must be intentionally irritating.

“I think you’ll have to be specific, Dex. I say a lot of things. I don’t always mean all of them.”

Dex hates that Nursey’s trying to be annoying about this. It’s immature, and it’s what always leads to shit like the fight they had last week. The last thing Dex wants right now is for all of that to happen again. Despite this conviction, though, instinct takes over, and Dex doesn’t try to be gentle.

“Chowder seems to think you’re in love with me,” he says to Nursey.

Nursey flinches so hard he almost falls out of his chair. He doesn’t look like he’s trying to stir shit anymore; he looks upset, like he’s too sad to cover that he’s sad. If this is how he’s been around everyone else this week, well, Dex can see why Chowder said something.

“You don’t have to do this, man,” Nursey says, and it’s so quiet Dex almost can’t hear it. “I got it the first time, that you didn’t want anything to do with me like that. It’s fine. Just leave it.”

Dex is, once again, so concerned that he gets angry. That’s probably his fatal flaw, he thinks absently. It does a damn good job of scaring away everyone he loves.

“Are you fucking deaf, Derek? You told me you didn’t mean it, you - you think this week has been me telling you I don’t feel the same, not wanting to acknowledge it? Because right after you fucking tried to tell me, you came to find me just to make sure I knew you didn’t mean it. I just - I don’t get it!”

Nursey looks angry, too, but like it’s only barely holding him together, and if the rage drops then he’ll burst into tears.

“There’s no way you thought that’s what I was saying, asshole. I was talking about the - thing I said about your family – I didn’t mean that , but of course I meant everything else! Of course I fucking love you, you dipshit.”

Now it’s Dex’s turn to stare and blink. He’s not sure he actually believes this is happening.

There’s almost a full minute of silence, the only sound the two of them breathing heavily, before Dex speaks.

“You’re telling me you. Confessed your love for me a week ago by talking about my flaws, and I… didn’t even fucking realise? You’re telling me you thought for even a second that I didn’t love you back?”

Dex is holding back hysterical laughter, but only barely.

“A second? William Poindexter, I’ve thought that for almost 3 years. Why would I ever think otherwise?”

Nursey’s grinning now, too.

Dex looks at him one more time, then says, “Dipshit,” and they both finally lose it.

Dex is laughing so hard that he has to sit down to stop himself falling over, and Nursey manages to fall of the chair, landing on the floor right next to Dex.

After a few minutes, when they stop laughing enough to actually get words out, Nursey says, “this is the single most us thing that could have ever happened, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Dex laughs again, and it bubbles up in his throat, sends tears rolling down his cheeks. He turns to Nursey, now laying down on the wooden floor, and Dex decides to lay down next to him.

Nursey grabs his hand once they’re side by side, and twines their fingers together. Dex feels his breath leave his body, but he can’t keep a smile off his face.

Nursey, who calmed down a bit before Dex, leans over to press a kiss to the top of Dex’s head. For some reason, this makes Dex lose it again, and before he knows what’s happening, he’s lying on the floor of their bedroom, holding hands with Derek Nurse and laughing his fucking ass off, while Nursey watches him fondly.

When Chowder finds them in the same spot, 20 minutes later, he opens the door, and the two of them crack up laughing again. This time, it takes them so long to calm down that Chowder just has to sit and wait before either of them can get a word out, desperately trying to explain exactly what happened.