Chapter Text
Enter the magical pixie horse
What are we going to do now? Syd asked.
MEOW
I HAVE NO IDEA.
MEOW TAKES A DEEP BREATHE. HE SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION. HE IS GETTING READY FOR THE DAY. HE HAS JUST TAKEN A SHOWER.
MEOW
WHATS THE POINT? NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO CHANGE.
BOTH CHARACTERS FROWN AT THE SUBJECTIVITY OF MEOWS COMMENT. ROGER GILMOUR SCRATCHES HIS MANE WITH HIS HOOF.
ROGER GILMOUR
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
MEOW LOOKS AT HIM. HE GIVES A SHORT HOLLOW LAUGH AS HE DRIES OFF HIS HAIR WHICH HAS BEEN FLATTENED BY THE WATER.
MEOW
IT’S NOTHING, REALLY.
ROGER GILMOUR
NO. GO ON.
MEOW
I’M FINE. REALLY.
ROGER GILMOUR SCOWLS AT MEOW. THE CAT BEGINS TO AVERT EYE CONTACT. BY AVOIDING EYE CONTACT, HE CAN ALSO AVOID CONFRONTING THE SUBJECT ALTOGETHER
MEOW
IT’S NOTHING.
ROGER BEGINS TO EYE THE CAT SUSPICOUSLY.
ROGER GILMOUR
ARE YOU OK, MAN?
MEOW BEGINS TO LAUGH NERVOUSLY. HIS CHEEKS GROW RED AS HIS NERVOUS LAUGHTER BEGINS TO SHAKE A BIT.
MEOW
I’M FINE. TRUST ME.
ROGER GILMOUR AND MEOW BEGIN TO EYE EACHOTHER. IT BEGINS TO BECOME UNCOMFORTABLE TO WATCH. WE CUT TO MEOW FACING THE CAMERA. HE FORCES AN UNNATURAL SMILE ON HIS LIPS.
THE RACOON ENTERS THE ROOM.
RINGO THE RACOON
MORNING BOYS.
ALL THREE ANIMALS BEGIN TO FOCUS THEIR ATTENTION ON THE RACOON. RINGO HAS APPEARED TO BE DISHELVED. HE IS SLIGHTLY DIRTY FROM LAST NIGHTS ACTIVITIES. BY ACTIVITIES, WE, OF COURSE, ARE REFERRING TO A NIGHT AT THE CLUB.
MEOW
WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?
RINGO THE RACOON CONFIDENTLY SMILES AS THE CAMERA PANS TO HIM. HE APPEARS UNFAZED BY MEOW’S SUDDEN QUESTION.
RINGO THE RACOON
NOWHERE.
MEOW ROLLS HIS EYES.
MEOW
THAT IS COMPLETE BOLLOCKS.
SYD BEGINS TO LAUGH AT MEOWS UNCHARACTERISTIC USE OF A SWEAR. ROGER GILMOUR GIVES SYD A DIRTY LOOK WHICH SHUTS SYD UP. MEOW TURNS AROUND TO GIVE SYD A WEIRD LOOK.
MEOW
IS HE ALWAYS LIKE THIS?
RINGO THE RACOON
NOT USUALLY.
MEOW BEGINS TO FACE RINGO THE RACOON. HE BEGINS TO STRAIGHTEN HIS POSTURE, AND HE COUGHS SLIGHTLY.
MEOW
NO…
HE CORRECTS HIMSELF.
MEOW
NOW…
MEOW KEEPS HIS ATTENTION ON RINGO THE RACOON. THE CAMERA CLOSES IN HIS FACE AS HE ASKS THE IMPERATIVE QUESTION.
MEOW
WHERE. WERE. YOU. LAST. NIGHT?
THE RACOON BEGINS TO STRUGGLE SPEAKING.
RINGO THE RACOON
I TOLD YOU. NOWHERE.
MEOW GIVES HIM A DISAPPROVING FROWN.
THE RACOON BEGINS TO LAUGH SOMEWHAT BITTERLY.
RINGO THE RACOON
I TOLD YOU…
MEOW
HAVE YOU BEEN SLEEPING AROUND?
RINGO THE RACOON BEGINS TO BECOME SHIFTY EYED. HE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY AT THE REST OF THE GROUP. THE GROUP REFUSES TO BACK HIM UP, GIVING HIM A COLD HARD GLANCE.
MEOW
RINGO?
THE RACOON GIVES AN AUDIBLE SWALLOW AS HE PROCEEDS TO PROCESS HIS WORDS.
THERE IS AN OVER THE SHOULDER SHOT OF MEOW GIVING RINGO A GENTLE GLANCE. THE RACOON BEGINS TO SPEAK BUT DOES NOT. MEOW STANDS UP.
MEOW
I SEE THEN.
THE RACCOON SPEAKS SUDDENLY.
RINGO
DON’T PRETEND TO ACT-SO INNOCENT.
MEOW
EXCUSE ME?
RINGO THE RACOON
DO YOU NOT REMEMBER YOUR LITTLE PROBLEM?
MEOW GLARES AT HIM WHILE HE IS THINKING ABOUT HIS ANSWER. WE SMASH CUT TO AN OVER HEADSHOT OF MEOW VOMITING IN THE TOILET.
MEOW VOMITS. HIS HEAD IS DUNKED IN THE TOILET. HE PULLS HIS HEAD UP, HAVING SOMEWHAT VOMITED HIS GUTS OUT.
MEOW
UGH.
HE VOMITS SOMEMORE. HIS PAWS ARE GRIPPING THE TOILET.
MEOW
ACK.
HE CONTINUES TO VOMIT UNTIL THE VOMITING FADES AWAY INTO THE BACKGROUND. HE RAISES HIS HEAD OUT OF THE TOLIET.
MEOW
THINK THAT'S THE LAST OF THEM.
MEOW RUBS HIS PAW AGAINST HIS MOUTH.
RINGO THE RACOON PAUSES FOR A BIT. MEOW HAS STOOD UP. HE REACHES FOR THE TOILET. THE TOILET MAKES AN AUDIBLE FLUSH.
MEOW
WELL, NO SHAME IN MAKING MISTAKES.
HE FACES THE TOILET. BEFORE HE COULD TURN AROUND, HE SLIPS ON HIS OWN VOMIT, HIS FOREHEAD SLAMMING ON THE LID.
MEOW
UHH!
HE LAYS ON THE FLOOR, HIS FOREHEAD HAS A SMALL CUT ON IT.
MEOW IS STILL ON THE FLOOR. HE IS INCREDIBLY INERABBATED.
MEOW
A LITTLE HELP PLEASE?
MEOW LIES ON THE FLOOR.
MEOW
GUYS?
MEOW LIES ON THE FLOOR. RINGO THE RACOON WALKS INTO THE SCENE.
RINGO THE RACOON.
OH NO. SWEETIE, WHAT HAPPENED?
MEOW GLARES AT RINGO THE RACOON. BEHIND THEM, TWO HORSES WEARING NOTHING BUT HOTEL MAID UNIFORMS ARRIVE BEHIND THEM. ONE IS BRIGHT BLUE, AND ANOTHER IS BRIGHT PINK.
BLUE HORSE
WE ARE THE FIRST OF DAEMONS TRAUMA.
PINK HORSE
WE COULDN’T HELP IT OF COURSE.
THE GROUP TURNS TO THE TWO HORSES. THE PINK HORSE SHRUGS AS SHE PICKS UP SOME OF THE LAUNDRY.
PINK HORSE
WHAT HAPPENED TO US?
THE BLUE HORSE.
THE BLUE HORSE
IT’S NOT OUR FAULT THAT WE WERE GREAT ARTISTS.
BOTH HORSES SPEAK.
BLUE HORSE
(SPEAKING OVER PINK HORSE)
Did WE use TO WORK TOGETHER IN SCHOOL?
PINK HORSE
(SPEAKING OVER THE BLUE HORSE)
WE DID!
BOTH HORSES PUT THE LAUNDRY IN THE BASKET.
PINK HORSE
WE USED TO BE PRAISED BY THE TEACHER.
BOTH ARTISTS LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
THE BLUE HORSE
WHAT HAPPENED TO US?
A BEAT.
THE PINK HORSE
WE GREW UP, BLUE. WE BECAME ADULTS.
THE BLUE HORSE BEGINS TO POUT.
THE PINK HORSE
BUT LOOK HOW MUCH MONEY WE MAKE.
SYD IS ON THE COMPUTER.
THE PINK HORSE
DON’T BOTHER COMING ON TO HER SITE. SYD.
SYD LOOKS UP FROM THE COMPUTER.
SYD
THE FLASH IS BLOCKED.
THE BLUE AND PINK HORSE BEGIN TO LOOK AT EACHOTHER.
THE BLUE HORSE
OF COURSE, IT IS.
THE PINK HORSE INTERJECTS.
THE PINK HORSE
IT’S PARANOIA.
SYD THE HORSE GIVES THEM A BAFFLED LOOK.
SYD
EXCUSE ME?
THE BLUE HORSE
SHE IS PARANOID.
THE BLUE HORSE
DAEMEN IS PARANOID.
THE THREE CAST MEMBERS WALK UP TO THE TWO HORSES.
THE BLUE HORSE
THE PARANOIA,
SHE PAUSES FOR EFFECT.
THE BLUE HORSE
IT IS A STORM THAT HAS CLOUDED HER MIND. SHE CANNOT THINK WITHOUT LOOKING OVER HER SHOULDER. SHE IS ALWAYS AFRAID OF WHAT PEOPLE ARE THINKING OF HER, AND WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO CONSPIRE AGAINST HER. SHE IS AFRAID OF PEOPLE CONSPIRING TO MURDER HER. THE PARANOIA IS AND WILL ALWAYS KEEP RUNNING AFTER HER.
THE BLUE HORSE
I USED TO BULLY HER IN SCHOOL.
A PAUSE.
THE BLUE HORSE
SHE WENT AFTER ME IN SCHOOL. WROTE ME AS THE VILLAIN IN HER FANTASY FINAL FIC.
ENTER THE PENGUIN
JOHN-THE-HORSE IS SITTING ON THE STAGE. A PENGUIN SHOWS UP RIGHT BEHIND HIM.
JOHN THE HORSE
IT’S SO ODD.
PENGUIN
WHAT IS?
JOHN THE HORSE
LIFE IS PARTICULARLY STRANGE.
PENGUIN
CAN YOU CLARIFY?
JOHN THE HORSE GIVES HIM A FORLORN LOOK.
JOHN THE HORSE
YOU’LL UNDERSTAND WHEN YOUR OLDER.
PENGUIN
AH.
THE BLUE AND PINK HORSE ARE FACING THE CAMERA.
BLUE HORSE
YOU KNOW WHEN WE WERE KIDS, WE USED TO STEAL DAEMONS ARTWORK.
PINK HORSE
NOT STEAL. TAKE CREDIT.
BLUE HORSE
AH.
THE PINK HORSE WAGS HER HOOF AT THE BLUE HORSES MISTAKE.
PINK HORSE
WHEN WE WERE KIDS, WE USED TO WORK ON THIS PROJECT. I USED TO DRAW SO WELL. THE TEACHER WOULD HEAP PRAISES UPON MY WORK.
THE PINK HORSE FROWNS AT HER STATEMENT.
PINK HORSE
WE NEED TO GO.
OUTSIDE OF DEMOINES.
SYD
TURN ON THE RADIO.
BEFORE ROGER GILMOUR CAN RUDELY INTERJECT, THE BLUE HORSE GRABS HIS HOOF. ROGER GILMOUR BRIEFLY FLINCHES AS THE BLUE HORSE CONTINUES TO HOLD ON TO HIS HOOF. ROGER GILMOUR GIVES A BRIEF YELP BEFORE THE BLUE HORSE SHOOTS HIM A GLARE BEFORE HE QUIETS DOWN. THE PINK HORSE TURNS ON TO THE RADIO.
THE BLUE HORSE
(WHISPERING)
YOU ARE IN PAIN.
ROGER GILMOUR DOES NOT REACT WELL TO THIS ACCUSATION. HE FLINCHES BEFORE HE SEES THE BLUE HORSE LOOK INTO HIS EYES. HE GLANCES AT THE WINDOW. THE TOWN SIGN READS, WELCOME TO IDEALVILLE.
ROGER GILMOUR
WHAT THE HELL?
THE BLUE HORSE CLUTCHES ROGER GILMOUR ARMS. HE DOES NOT YELP THIS TIME. SYD NOTICES THE SIGN. HE MAKES NO NOISE AS HE KEEPS HIS FOCUS ON THE STREET SIGN. THE YOUNG HORSE SITS STILL AS HE NOTICES THAT HE IS GIVING THE THOUSAND MILE STARE AT THE REVIEW MIRROR.
THERE IS A PAUSE.
ROGER GILMOUR APPEARS QUITE SAD AS THE BLUE HORSE UNCLUTCHES HIS ARM. SHE LOOSENS UP AS SHE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW.
THE BLUE HORSE
(FRIENDLY)
WELCOME TO IDEALVILLE.
ROGER GILMOUR LOOKS SADLY AT THE BLUE HORSE, WHO BEGINS TO SPEAK IN A CHEERFUL MANNER.
THE BLUE HORSE
ISN’T THIS A LITTLE SCARY?
ROGER GILMOUR LEANS BACK IN THE SEAT. HIS EYES ARE FOGGED WITH SADNESS. HIS LIFE IS FLASHING BY AS HE CONTINUES TO LOOK AT THE PASSING CITY. LIFE SEEMS SO STRANGE, HE MUSES HIMSELF. HE SMILES SADLY AS HE PONDERS HIS LIFE CHOICES. FRANKS INTRA PLAYS ON THE RADIO. HE GIVES A BRIEF GROWL AS FRANK INTRA CONTINUES TO PLAY ON THE RADIO.
A BEAT
ROGER GILMOUR
…………………….
A BEAT
ROGER GILMOUR
GODDAMMIT.
ROGER GILMOUR STEPS OUTSIDE OF THE CAR.
ROGER GILMOUR
I SURE ENJOY TAKING A P-
PINK HORSE
(INTERRUPTING)
THIS LANGUAGE IS UNBEKNOWNST TO YOU ROGER.
ROGER GIVES HER THE HOOF WHILST ADMIRING THE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT. THE HOOF TO HORSES IS THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF THE MIDDLE FINGER. THIS TO HORSES IS CONSIDERED QUITE RUDE. ROGER DOES NOT URINATE ON THE ROAD, WHICH IS GOES UNNOTICED BY EVERYONE IN THE CAR. ROGER GILMOUR NOTICES THE PINK HORSE WALKING OUTSIDE THE CAR.
ROGER GILMOUR
OH F-
A TRUCK GOES BY ROGER GILMOUR MAKING A SHARP BLAST. ROGER SHAKES HIS HEAD AND GIVES THE HOOF AGAIN. PINK HORSE SHAKES HER HEAD, IN ANNOYANCE. A SLAM OF THE CAR DOOR INDICATES THAT SHE IS INSIDE MEOWS VEHICLE
ROGER GILMOUR
(QUIETLY)
WHY DOESN’T SHE UNDERSTAND THAT MY FATHER DIED IN THE GREAT SPIDER WAR?.
HE GETS BACK IN THE CAR. THE CAR BACKS OUT OF THE GAS STATION AND FADES FROM VIEW. SYD HAS HIS FEET ON THE DASHBOARD. HE DOES NOT NOTICE THE FACT HE DOES NOT HAVE HOOVES. HE CONTINUES TO KICK HIS FEET UP AGAINST THE DASHBOARD.
ROGER GILMOUR
KEEP YOUR
A TRAIN HORN BLASTS THROUGH
ROGER CONT.
ROGER GILMOUR
….. FEET OF THE F….
A BLAST OF THE TRUCK MUTES ROGERS SWEAR. SYD SITS UP, LOOKING NOT VERY SHOCKED AT ROGER GILMOUR CHOICE OF LANGUAGE. SYD SILENTLY PUTS HIS FEET DOWN. THE PINK HORSE WRINKLES HER SNOUT AT ROGERS CHOICE OF WORDS.
PINK HORSE
PLEASE DON’T YELL AT SYD.
ROGER GILMOUR
OH F OFF.
RINGO THE RACOON FELT VERY PLEASED WITH HIS NEW BOYFRIEND.
PINK HORSE
SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
RINGO THE RACOON
OH, THIS IS RICHARD.
RICHARD THE PENGUIN WAVES A HELLO WITH HIS PENGUIN WING. HE SEEMS NATURALLY DRESSED.
PINK HORSE
PARDON ME FOR ASKING, BUT IS THERE ANYTHING WE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT RICHARD’S PERSONALITY?
RICHARD
WHY THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?
THE BLUE PONY UNHINGES HER JAW AT RICHARDS CHOICE OF LANGUAGE.
THE BLUE PONY
DO YOU KISS YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT MOUTH?
THE PINK HORSE
NO, BUT I WOULD TOTALLY KISS YOU RIGHT NOW.
SHE WINKS. RICHARD GIVES THEM A BLANK STARE AT THE TWO COLORED HORSES. BLUE SPEAKS UP.
BLUE HORSE
IT SEEMS UNLIKELY THAT RINGO WOULD REFRAIN FROM SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER MAN OTHER THAN RICHARD.
RICHARD
DON’T BE STUPID.
RICHARD THINKS FOR A MOMENT BEFORE ANSWERING. HE TURNS TO HIS PARTNER, WHO IS GIVING HIM A BLANK STARE. RICHARD DOES NOT SAHAY, BUT HE DOES PUT HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS.
RICHARD
RINGO, YOU WOULDN’T DO THAT WOULD YOU?
RINGO THE RACOON
( LESS THEN CHEERFULLY)
NO. I’VE BEEN CLEAN FOR TWO YEARS.
WE CUT BACK TO EVERYONE IN THE CAR.
RICHARD
(NARRATING)
SOMETIMES BEING IN COLLEGE SUCKS. ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE A PENGUIN.
SMASH CUT TO DAEMEN.
DAEMEN
SHY AUTISTIC ME HAD A HARD TIME WITH THE SOIRIOTY SISTERS. I DIDN’T LIKE BOYS, AND I WAS AFRAID OF BOYS. I THINK I MIGHT BE ON THE SPECTRUM BECAUSE I HAVE A HARD TIME RELATING TO PEOPLE.
RICHARD
FIRST OF ALL, THAT IS COMPLETE BULL CRAP.
RICHARD
BEING ON THE SPECTRUM IN COLLEGE SUCKS BALLS. I CANNOT FOCUS FOR THE LIFE OF ME. I CANNOT WRITE GOOD NOTES DURING LECTURES. I CANNOT THINK FOR MYSELF, BECAUSE I THINK TOO MUCH.
RICHARD
I DON’T THINK MY NAME IS RICHARD.
A BEAT.
RICHARD THE PENGUIN
I AM SAM. THE AUTISTIC PENGUIN. I LIVE IN THE ANTARCTIC. THE ANTARCTIC IS BELOW FREEZING, WHICH IS FANTASTIC FOR US PENGUINS.
WE SEE SAM IN A FROZEN TUNDRA. THERE ARE A BUNCH OF PENGUINS IN THE ICY TUNDRA. A PENGUIN WADDLES OVER TO a SEAL. THE SEAL LEAPS UP FROM THE ICY WATERS AND NEARLY CHOMPS HIS OFF HEAD.
SAME DAY
SAM THE PENGUIN
I GET LOST FREQUENTLY.
SAM EVADES GETTING HIS HEAD CHOMPED OFF. HE WADDLES BACK TO THE GROUP OF PENGUINS. THE PENGUINS IGNORE SAM THE PENGUIN. HE WADDLES BACK DEJECTEDLY.