Chapter Text
INT. AlTERNATE UNIVERSE. DAY
ROGER THE HORSE GIVES HER A LOOK THAT SAYS, DID YOU JUST SAY WHAT I THINK YOU JUST SAID? HE BRIEFLY RESTRAINS HIMSELF FROM PUNCHING HER IN THE PRIVATES. HE ALSO GIVES HER A VERY DEADLY LOOK. A LOUD SCREAM PLAYS THROUGH HIS MIND.
ROGER THE HORSE
( THINKING TO HIMSELF)
DID SHE JUST TELL ME TO IGNORE MY CHILDHOOD TRAUMA? DOES SHE NOT KNOW THAT MY FATHER WAS SHOT DOWN BY A GOLIATH BIRDEATER IN HIS UNIT?
THE NEXT MORNING ROGER THE HORSE WAKES UP FROM HIS FOUR CORNER BED. IT’S BEEN A LONG DAY AFTER PLAYING A QUICK GAME OF QUIDDITCH, A GAME IN WHICH PEOPLE GET BEATEN UP FOR FUN. YOU KNOW, LIKE SOCCER. HE GRUNTS BECAUSE HE HAS A HARD TIME FALLING ASLEEP. IT FEELS AS IF THERE'S A WEIGHT ON HIS CHEST.
THE NARRATOR
HE FROWNS. HE PUTS HIS FEET ON THE COLD FLOOR. IT HAD BEEN A YEAR SINCE THE GREAT BATTLE OF BLOODY BART HAD OCCURRED. HIS CHEST REMAINS SORE. WE PAN TO ROGER WAKING UP. HE WALKS PAST THE MIRROR. A QUICK FRAME OF A BRUNETTE WOMAN FOLLOWS HIS MOVEMENT. HE CONTINUES TO WALK TO THE GREAT HALL. HE FREEZES IN HIS TRACKS. ROGER BACKTRACKS TO THE HALLWAY MIRROR. HE STARES AT HIS REFLECTION. HE WIPES AWAY THE FOG. HE WIPES THE FOG WITH HIS HOOF.
ROGER
……..
HE CONTINUES TO RUB THE FOGGY MIRROR. HE GIVES A MILD SCOWL AS THE FOGGY MIRROR BEGINS TO WIPE AWAY. IN THE PLACE OF A CLYDESDALE, THERE IS A DOE EYED BRUNETTE WITH LARGE BREASTS. THIS IS OF COURSE PLAYED BY A BARBIE.
ROGER
( BRIEFLY LOSES VOICE)
….. MERDE……
THE NARRATOR
ROGER FOUND TWO SQUARE THINGS UNDER HIS SHIRT… THAT DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN THERE….
ROGER
( IN DISBELIEF)
ça n'arrive pas.
( FRENCH FOR THIS ISN’T HAPPENING)
THE NARRATOR
OF COURSE, ROGER RAN DOWN THE HALLWAY, WONDERING IF THE OTHERS HAD BEEN A VICTIM OF FOUL PLAY.
ROGER IS STILL STANDING AT THE MIRROR.
ROGER
( IN DISBELIEF)
Est-ce même réel?
Combien ai-je bu la nuit dernière?
SUBTITLES READ IS THIS REAL? HOW MUCH DID I DRINK LAST NIGHT?
THE NARRATOR GROWS IMPATIENT.
THE NARRATOR
( IMPATIENTLY)
ROGER RUNS DOWN THE HALLWAY.
WITHOUT THINKING, ROGER BOLTS DOWN THE HALLWAY. AS SOON AS HE IS CERTAIN THAT THE NARRATOR IS NOT PAYING ATTENTION, HE ( SHE) BOLTS DOWN THE HALLWAY. AS SOON AS HE BEGINS TO CALM DOWN FROM THE FRIGHT, HE GINGERLY PINCHES HIS ( HER) LEFT BREAST. HE RUNS INTO A TEACHER WHO STOPS HIM IN HIS TRACKS.
TEACHER
ROGER. DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?
ROGER IS CONFUSED BY HOW UNDERSTANDING THIS TEACHER IS TO THE SITUATION.
ROGER THE HORSE
( IN DISBELIEF)
MY SQUARE THINGS ARE HANGING OUT.
THE TEACHER GIVES HIM ( HER) A VERY UNDERSTANDING NOD. ROGER, NOW FEMALE, GIVES HIM A BLANK LOOK.
ROGER THE HORSE
MY SQUARE THINGS ARE HANGING OUT! WHY ARE MY SQUARE THINGS HANGING OUT?
MEANWHILE, WE SEE A TAPIR, a RED RACOON, AND A GIANT OTTER READING FROM A THESAURUS. ROGER THE HORSE RUSHES UP TO THEM.
ROGER THE HORSE
( NEARLY IN PANIC MODE)
MY SQUARE THINGS!
A TAPIR LOOKS AT HIM IN CONFUSION.
TAPIR
( CONFUSED)
SQUARE THINGS?
THE OTTER LOOKS OVER THE TAPIRS SHOULDER. THE TAPIR FROWNS AND BEGINS TO FLICK THE PAGES, LOOKING FOR A DEFINITION TO SQUARE THINGS.
TAPIR
SQUARE THINGS.
THE TAPIR FLICKS THROUGH THE PAGES. SHE MURMURS UNDER HER BREATH. SHE FROWNS, PLACING HER PAWS UNDER THE PAGE. ROGER_THE_ FEMALE, SNATCHES A BOOK FROM THE TAPIR.
THE TAPIR
HEY!
ROGER THE FEMALE MAKES A GESTURE ABOUT HIS ( HER) CHEST.
THE OTTER
OH!
THE OTTER BEGINS TO TAKE THE BOOK FROM ROGER_ THE_FEMALE.
THE OTTER
( READING)
THE CHICKEN BREAST IS PART OF A CHICKEN. THE BREAST IS MADE UP OF THREE COMPONENTS. THE CHICKEN FAT, THE CHICKEN AROLA, AND THE CHICKEN NIPPLE.
ROGER_THE_FEMALE POINTS TO THE CENSOR BAR. THE OTTER READS FROM THE THESAURUS.
THE OTTER
( UNFAZED)
THE TACO PUSSY, OR A CAT MADE OF TACOS, IS COMPOSED OF SEVERAL ELEMENTS. THE TACO, AND THE PUSSY. PUSSY IS A SLANG FOR ( BLEEP), (BLEEP) (BLEEP).
THE TAPIR GIVES HER AN ANNOYED LOOK.
MEANWHILE AT THE GIRLS CHANGING ROOM.
THE TAPIR
WE CAN’T SAY (BLEEPED) OUT WORD?
THE GIANT OTTER GIVES HER A FRANK NOD.
THE TAPIR
( CONFUSED)
BUT IF THIS STORY IS WRITTEN IN 2019. IN THE AGE OF ME TOO, SHOULDN’T WE BE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUNG GIRLS GETTING EDUCATED ABOUT FEMALE AUTONOMY?
THE OTTER
( ANNOYED)
LOOK KATHRYN. THAT’S NOT HOW THINGS WORK. WE CAN’T TALK ABOUT THAT. NOW LET'S MOVE ONTO THE NEXT SCENE IN WHICH ROGER NEARLY GETS ROOFIED DURING A PARTY.
THE NARRATOR
KATHRYN WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS, GRUMPILY. SHE BUMPS INTO DINA. DINA GIVES HER A SHY GLANCE. KATHRYN GLARES AT HER.
DINA
HEY.
KATHRYN THE TAPIR GLARES AT HER IN ANNOYANCE.
DINA
WE HAVEN’T TALKED AT ALL. YOU SEEM DISTANT, HANGING OUT WITH THOSE POPULAR GIRLS ALL THE TIME.
A BEAT.
KATHRYN THE TAPIR
NOTHING IS WRONG.
DINA PAUSES A BIT. SHE STOPS SMILING, AS SHE REALIZES THAT KATHRYN IS GIVING HER A HOSTILE LOOK.
KATHRYN THE TAPIR
WHY DON’T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE? ALL YOU DO IS CAUSE PROBLEMS FOR EVERYONE, MYSELF INCLUDED.
DINA
( ON THE VERGE OF TEARS)
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
ROGER THE FEMALE IS NEARBY. DINA RUNS OFF. BEFORE SHE REACHES THE END OF THE HALLWAY, SHE FLIPS OFF KATHRYN THE TAPIR. THE SCENE BECOMES DISTORTED AS KATHRYN STANDS NEARBY. KATHRYN IS IN SHOCK. SHE SHAKES HER HEAD.
KATHRYN THE TAPIR
( SHAKING HER HEAD)
ADULTS DISCUSS PROBLEMS. ADULTS DON’T FLIP OFF OTHER ADULTS. TEENAGERS FLIP OFF ADULTS.
ROGER THE FEMALE IS CONFUSED BY THIS STATEMENT.
ROGER THE FEMALE
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
THE TAPIR TURNS TO HIM ( HER).
THE TAPIR
IT MEANS SHE’S STUCK.
THE TAPIR WALKS WITH ROGER THE FEMALE. SHE KEEPS TALKING WITH HIM.
THE TAPIR
DINA IS PERMANENTLY STUCK IN THE PAST. WE’RE IN THE FIC BECAUSE DINA IS STILL STUCK AT 13-YEAR OLD DINA WHEN SHE SHOULD BE AT 38-YEAR OLD DIANA. SHE CONSTANTLY BELITTLES OTHERS. SHE REFUSES TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY, AND PINS OTHERS FOR ACTIONS THEY DID NOT COMMIT. HER REFUSAL TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY SHOWS A LACK OF EMPATHY. PEOPLE WITH LARGE AMOUNTS OF EMPATHY DO NOT FLIP OTHERS OFF.
ROGER THE HORSE
WHY IS THAT?
THE TAPIR GIVES A SIGH. THEY REACH THE BATHROOM.
THE TAPIR
BECAUSE FLIPPING OTHERS OFF IS NOT ONLY NOT NICE, BUT IT MAKES THE SITUATION MUCH WORSE THAN IT IS. REMEMBER PEOPLE WITH LARGE AMOUNTS OF EMPATHY WILL ALSO REFRAIN FROM NAME CALLING. A PERSON WITH LARGE AMOUNTS OF EMPATHY WILL NOT CALL A GROUP OF PEOPLE ASSHOLES, BECAUSE USING THAT WORD IS NOT ONLY PROFANE, BUT IT INTENTIONALLY WILL HURT PEOPLE'S FEELINGS. CLAIMING TO HAVE A LARGE AMOUNT OF EMPATHY IS FRAUDULENT.