Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

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Chapter Text

Obama and the other people *Mina, Ian Hawke, Michele, Skipper, Teggie, Ftedrick, Jake Pauk, Cool Cat, Taco Dog and Etika and Dwayne the Rock Johnsons (who was Adian's uncle.* were at Mina's gigantic mansion, which whe owned because she is best princess! Except she broke up with Ian Hawke, is now dating Bob Saget, so now Iam is dead.

Obama was lying in bid, shirtless and crying. "I will never get Shakespearen back."

Michele Bachmann patted his shoulders, getting nodtsagia frok thr times they had to lie in bed to get her together. "Therr three, you will get him. We are here for you."

Dwayne nodded and we brought ya something.

Obama gasped. "Is if my Shakespeare?! Wherefore out thou William?!"'

"Nah man I ain't Shalezpre, but imma help yam" a voice said.

Suddenly, Lil Pump walkedbin, holding hands with Ponyboy! 😱

Obama: Yes I know you too are married, no need to brag you just triggered a balck man.

Ponyboy: We are married, yes. But we support the president and his poetry parnter.

Obama: *dabs* Yeet fam.

But he was still cring.

"Obama shut the fuck up imma beat your as like Dairy beat my face" Ponybot yelled.

Cool Cat nodded. "Yeah! Crying not good at all! Is no fun!"

Mina kissed Bob Saget. "If your love will work, then so will yours."

Skipper slapped Obama in the face. "pull yourselves together," he screamed. "we gotta get you happy again, so we gotta get your boyfriend back.".

Teggie lifted Ftethicc up. "We are getting married."

And then they got married.

After the wedding happened, Obama realized that they had to form a legion of heroes to get Shakes (his romantic nicknamwnfor Will!!!!!!!).

"Okay guys I will take your advice and get my future huband."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shakespeare was now part of the family whomst'd've kidnapped him. "okay guys, I have an idea." Shakespeare said. "Because our family is not yet xomplete."

Dark Pit said no. "We are not getting Obama, JFK is best president other than you don't send me to the Gulag."

The Gulag and the Mayonnaise were dead, but he didn't know that.

Shakespeare's also said no? GASP! PLOY TWIST! "We need to get Linebacker back.from the Shadoe Realm."

AZura sighed. "Fine," he sighed. "I'pl bring him back.", she dug her hand into a magical portal that she created and pulled him out.

Lingback coughed. "Thanks."

Azura hit him with her naginata. "Your sleeping on the couch." She said, forgetting that the couch was masked my Chrom and Robinson's semen.

Linebevk jumped out of the apartment window and met the same fate as yur momm.

Except! A turtle swapped down and got him ebdore he dead! The caption looked up and saw TN e face of Jesus.

"Jesus?"

Jesus shook his head no. "No I am not Jesus, at least that is not my name."

Azura gasped. "It's Jesus."

Dark Pit slapped himself. "Foshigg mah-"

Glass Joe short a LASER at Dark Put, causing him to fall and land on the turtle.

Chapter Text

Obzama was ow motivated to find to the death to get his Obama back.

But on his way from Missouri to happenis today

"I will get Shakespeare back and we will watch that new movie about Harry Stules sexually harassing a gorl like in firty shades of gray that was so hot." Obana says.

5hen the ground opened and a chariot appeared, the drive snatching Obama like a wig and thriwing him inside. "You called Uber?" He asked.

"Uh no thanks fam."

Then the ground shook again.

Dirver: Sucks to be youi'm here against my will.

Obama: YOU SAY WILL WHERE IS HE?

Driver: Will is not William you stupid molecule.

Then like Persephone, Obama was dragged into th4 depths of hell where a different lover awaited him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Dark Pit was recovering from getting hit in the ball's and Linebeck was cleaning the ouchc of his roommates' semen, Azura and Shakespeare were having a meeting with Glass Joe.

"So you're saying you're the son of God"And" Shakespeare said. "How'st'd've interesting-eth."

"Why are you heere !asked Azura.

"Becaus a Waifu war Is coming upon us and i need to bring you all yo safety."

"But-eth how-wth?" Shakespeare asked

"I fuse with the prophecies one to create the divine being Squeege to defeat my destined emeny."

They nodedz. "Ok who is this person?"

"He is somewhere els3."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paul Blart, Harry Styles, Adian Johansen, Takimi, and Alvin were mourning over the is this loss of Obama.

"Mate I was gonna succ his toes until milk came out, this ain't f.air" Harry mourners.

"S[he] be[lie]ve[d]." Alvin added.

Paul Blart slapped Alvin. "This is no time for Sbeve. He can't help us."

"But we can!" Sayf Rapunzel and Shrek who were also there. "And we have help!"

Captain Man walked out of the shadows. "Adian and I will share a room."

Adian summoned Garfield to vore Captain Man and nobody got sexged that nigjt.

Chapter Text

Hoebama (which was the name for Obama's private Twiter accouny) began scrwaming desperately. "PLEASE I'LL SWND YOU JAMES CHARLES' ENTIRE STOCK OF SLEEPING PILLS, JUSTBLET ME OUT".

The driver frowned. "Sorry man but I'm a trump supporter." Then he turned! And it waz THE SPOON FROM JUST DANCE 2020!!+"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO999OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIOOOOOOOOOPOOOOOOOOOOOO8OO8OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKOOOOOOOLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKOOO!!!"

Obama screamed, breaking every window the car had. "YOU JUST TRIGGERED A MEXICAN! YOU SHALL FACE THE RATh of me!" Barack Obama was about to pull out his weapon of mass destruction,b: the n-word, unsensored.

But then, the ghosts of the long deceezed and forgoteen Gulag and Mayonaise came and knocked him out! 😱

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Takuki laid in bead. "I feel strange" he said, feeling strange.

A series of words echoed through his head. "

"Two beings, one good, one bad. One's life is good, the other is bad. The sad shall be pure, the other not so. Sorry if my RYME Ain good, you. Sacrifice the pineapple, put him in bread, but spoiler alert, he might not die. The nuts will be boiled and ache and Shit I didn't wrote a rhyme for bread."

"Stop" he sobbled. "Make it stop"

~~~~~~~,~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'~~\~

Queen Mina, was now engaged to Giles Corey. This is key indormation that she needed to add.

\\~~~~~~~\\~~~~~~~\\~~~~~~~\\

Obamae laid on the floor, unconsciosu.

"Is this hin? The man whomz I love?" A voice asked.

"Tes, sir. It's Bara k Ovama himself, where's m3 paycheck?" the Ariana Grande spoon replied, being the greeedy Truml supporter that he was.

"Aught cousin take the monies, as long as I have my Obama I will be happy".

"Of course Professor Kukui."

Chapter Text

The Harvest Hoedown was a sight to behold. Hay, cider, California Girls by Katy Perry. All of the things that make a Harvest Hoedown a Harvest Hoedown.

Despite the event being run by Takumi, Paul Blart, Harry Styles, and Adian Johansen in order to ambush the Resistance, they paid Josh Drean and John Morello to host it. The event, due to their presence, was packed. Somehow the Resistance didn't notice the Obama-lovers, even if the event was chaotic.

Azura, Dark Pit, Linebeck, Chrom, Robin, Reggie Fils Aime, and Glass Joe all were expecting the arrival of their beloved Shakespeare, which was promised in the invitations for the Harvest Hoedown.

"So, when's Barack Obama coming?" Dark Pit asked, throwing the taco dog out of the 10th story hotel room window.

"Nobody knows!" Josh Drean beatboxed like a chicken.

Azura sighed, and so did Dark Pit, and so did Linebeck, and so did Reggie Fils Aime, and so did Glass Joe, but not Chrom and Robin because they found a private spot to do the diddly doo.

"Obama is never coming," an ominous voice shouted.

The lights suddenly turned off, and the room became darker than my future.

"WHO DARES SPEAK ILL OF FOURTY-FOURTH UNITED STATES PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA?!" Azura demanded.

Paul Blart segwayed his way into the spotlight that suddenly shown onto the ground. "Us," he said, naming his favorite horror movie.

Everybody started screaming but only those in the Resistance were screaming, Paul Blart and the others didn't scream.

Takumi made eye contact with Glass Joseph Stalin, and immediately got chills. Glass Joe also got chills, as the prophecy repeated in their heads.

Two beings, one good, one bad
One's life is good, the other is sad
The sad shall be pure, the other not so
Sorry if my RHYME Ain good, you

Sacrifice the pineapple, put him in bread,
But spoiler alert, he might not die.
The nuts will be boiled and ache and
Shit I didn't wrote a rhyme for bread

"Don't tell me... you're the bread..." Takumi gasped.

"And you're the pineapple?!" Glass Joe retorted in perfect English.

"The hell are you two talking about?" Linebeck screamed in his indoor voice.

Takumi paced the floor nervously. "Bake me in bread... bake me in bread...?"

Adian Johansen couldn't take any more of this and drove out of the 10th story hotel room in his 2001 Honda Civic.

Suddenly, the doors slammed open. "I have your beloved Barack Obama!" Professor Kukui shouted, carrying the man bridal style.

"Ah, sweet, hand him over or something," Reggie Fils Aime demanded.

"What?! Obama wasn't supposed to be here! You just ruined the whole plan!" Harry Styles screamed.

"Did somebody say 'Ogres'?" Shrek asked, jumping through the window with Rapunzel in hand.

"Nobody said that, Shrek," Skipper told him.

"You stupid." Replied Shrek.

"He's not stupid, he has a doctorate degree in waterboarding!" Jake Pauk frowned.

Professor Kukui sighed. "Is there going to be a climax here?"

Chrom and Robin had a climax.

Takumi and Glass Joe were suddenly next to each other, hand in hand. "We boutta bring down the house." Takumi raised his other fist.

"Please don't, I want to live to become dirt, not die," John Morello pleaded.

Takumi and Glass Joe began dancing together, until a glowing light surrounded their bodies, and suddenly

A fusion was born.

"I am Junkook," said the Korean man.

"Ha! K-Pop! What a joke!" the professor and Satan snickered.

Ftederick and Teggie scowled. "No! It! Isn't!"

Junkook proceeded to beat Professor Kukui up with the power of K-Pop.

Obama ran away from the professor and scrambled to find William Shakespeare.

But he wasn't in the hotel room. He was in a grave, because he died from grief.

"NO. NO. NOT MY BELOVED SHAKESPEARE!" cried Obama. He proceeded to beat the shit out of Shakespeare's recovered coffin with a baseball bat, breaking it open. "I NEED YOU!" Barack Obama kissed his lips, causing the dead poet to awaken.

"My dear Obama, you're alive?" William asked.

Obama nodded. "Yes. And we're coming home together. I don't care what anyone says."

"Oh good," Shakespeare nodded.

Suddenly, a mass explosion came from the hotel building, killing everyone but William Shakespeare and Barack Obama, and Junkook.

And that was all they needed.

The End.