Chapter Text
Wei Wuxian flinched in his sleep as the door opened. Voices filtered in and out of his consciousness, murmuring something he could barely understand.
"How is he?"
"-fine, grandfather. A-Xian…still asleep.”
"-sleep, too…school tomorrow, A-Li."
"-course, grandfather. Good night."
The door clicked shut.
Gentle footfalls. Clinks. A soft warm hand suddenly pressed on his forehead and Wei Wuxian resurfaced under the waves of sleep. He gripped the wrist of that person before a surprised cry startled him.
"A-Xian!"
That voice punched through Wei Wuxian's chest, splayed his ribcage wide open for the crows to peck. Hollowly he thought, what kind of punishment was this?
"A-Xian, please."
Numbly, Wei Wuxian released the wrist, but he refused to look. This must be his eternal punishment. Doomed, surrounded by shadows wearing the face of the people he loved. The people he killed.
It wasn't the first time he had these hallucinations but those were paper-thin imitations that mimicked voices but never her touch nor the gentle scent of the lotus perfumes she preferred. Wei Wuxian had long forgotten what it smelled like but he recognized it like how one missed their home.
He missed his sister.
Wei Wuxian was a bow tightly strung as his eyes blindly scanned the room, at the strange contraption at the bedside table that shone with warm light. The bed he was lying on was warm, soft unlike the straw and stone ground he slept on. Where the fuck was he?
"What do you want?" Wei Wuxian hissed. The Jins had captured him.
He heard the rustle of clothes. Wei Wuxian readied himself, calling forth resentful energy only to find nothing. He gasped, doubling over in surprise. Impossible. Where the fuck was it? Why was it-
"A-Xian, look at your a-jie, please."
Wei Wuxian flinched. Not even his nightmares would dare cross the line. Jiang Yanli may be his sister but it was improper for Wei Wuxian to call her so familiarly. He would be whipped-
That person cupped his face. Wei Wuxian stiffened. He knew that touch. Impossible.
Wei Wuxian let himself be turned. Hesitantly, he raised his eyes and looked at the figure gazing at him with gentle concern that should have felt like a balm to his bone-deep wounds but now, it was a blow.
She was someone Wei Wuxian would recognize even blind. He looked at her face, drank in the sight of her, alive. She looked younger than he last saw her, brows pinched in worry. The last time he saw her was- was-
"Shijie?" Wei Wuxian hesitantly touched her hand. His fingers trembled as if she would disappear. It was impossible. Jiang Yanli wasn't here. She shouldn't be here in whatever punishment Wei Wuxian was condemned to. His fingers made contact with warm, warm skin and he choked. His eyes burned. Still, she didn't disappear.
"Shi- shijie," he gasped. Wei Wuxian didn't care if this was a dream. If this was a dream, he never wanted to wake up.
Jiang Yanli's eyes widened. With a cry of Wei Wuxian’s name, she pulled him in her arms and Wei Wuxian, who hadn't been touched and held this tenderly in years, crumpled like wet sand on the shore of the beaches of Lotus Pier where they played in their childhood before sundown.
"A-Xian,” Jiang Yanli whispered, her soft voice wavering as she pulled him into her lap. “A-Xian. It's okay, I'm here. I'm alive. Shijie is here, it's going to be okay."
Wei Wuxian, forgetting all propriety, forgetting the fact that it was his fault for killing her, for taking away her husband and her from her son and brother, buried his face in her shoulder and cried. Jiang Yanli's hands rubbing circles on his back felt too real. It broke him. Under Jiang Yanli’s touch, he was a wounded baby bird seeking its mother’s comfort.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don't hate me, please don't hate me, please don't-" he choked, bowing his head. Wei Wuxian would die a thousand more deaths to atone for his sins. “Shijie, please don’t hate me.”
Jiang Yanli kissed his head and he flinched. "My sweet silly Xianxian. It wasn't your fault. I chose to step in front of the sword." She brushed his cheek. "And in what world could I ever hate you? How could I ever hate you?"
“It’s my fault,” Wei Wuxian answered. “If it wasn’t for me, maybe-“
“Shh.” Jiang Yanli rocked him. “A-Xian, what kind of sister would I be if I didn’t protect my little brother?”
“A living one!”
Jiang Yanli stopped moving.
Wei Wuxian trembled as Jiang Yanli pulled back and grasped his clenched fists in her hands instead. He furiously wiped his eyes and looked at her, couldn't stop looking at her. This may be the last time he saw her and-
Jiang Yanli's hair was undressed and cut so short it brushed her cheeks.
Wei Wuxian felt the world sway. "Shijie, your hair-"
Not even his mind for all the terrible things he did, for all the brilliance he had been lauded with, could desecrate his beloved sister's image. Not even his nightmares nor his dreams would dare.
"I think I'm dreaming." Wei Wuxian laughed, pulling his hands away. "No. I'm dreaming. This must be my punishment. This can't be real, shijie, you're not really here I'm just-"
Jiang Yanli lightly dabbed her eyes and gave him a sad smile. "A-Xian, it's real."
Wei Wuxian shook his head but a sharp pain shooting down his leg stopped him short.
No, he thought. This couldn’t be real.
He must be either dreaming or dead. If he was dreaming then it must be a kinder one. Wei Wuxian hadn't had a kind dream in months. A strange but a kind dream nonetheless.
Wei Wuxian died the first time when Jiang Yanli pushed him away and took whatever happiness he had left with her.
The second time, Wei Wuxian couldn't remember the moments leading to his death but he knew he died with the certainty that he would never wake. He died knowing that his corpse would never be found, soul shattered into the depths of eternity. He died with the image of Jiang Cheng's furious face burned in his mind.
Wei Wuxian died alone.
Wei Wuxian raised a hand against his heart, his stomach filling with churning dread. His heartbeat thundered strong in his ribcage when he was sure it had been ripped apart and devoured moments before. But he was here, alive for gods know what reason. Jiang Yanli was here, alive, breathing and real before him. To attempt the impossible was the Jiang sect’s motto and here they were, the living embodiments of the impossible.
Wei Wuxian turned his attention to the room. The walls were grey, decorated with lifelike paintings and bold swathes of colors, the sheets were fine and thick, red. There were odd knickknacks here and there and strange humming machines stuck on walls. Not even the Jins would spend money to keep him trapped under a heavy illusion prison like this. Or be this creative.
Wei Wuxian was alive and he didn’t know what to do.
Jiang Yanli was Wei Wuxian's anchor. People forgot that despite her weak golden core and gentleness, the Purple Spider's blood ran in her veins but she was kindness and warmth Wei Wuxian had long since associated with home and family.
"A-Xian, you don't have to be alone anymore."
She refused to leave his side, bunking in with him, dragging a spare mattress even though Wei Wuxian ended up offering to sleep on the floor.
”It’s improper!” Wei Wuxian protested. He grimaced at the blurred memory of his tutors in Lotus Pier. Madam Yu would have had a fit. Besides, he didn't want to expose Jiang Yanli to his nightmares. “Xianxian is a big boy now.”
Jiang Yanli looked amused. “But isn’t Xianxian still three?”
“Shijieeee.”
Jiang Yanli laughed. Wei Wuxian missed hearing her laugh.
“Fine, but I’m taking the floor, shijie!”
Some days, he slept without dreaming. It was the best sleep he ever had.
The man who was their grandfather was bemused by their arrangement but he kept the lights in the hallway on and his door open.
This new world was strange.
They lived in a small town thirty minutes away from a bigger city, where the cicadas sang a tune so alike in Yunmeng when Wei Wuxian snuck out of training to hunt pheasants. The skies were grey and the stars hid behind the smog and there were no lotus lakes that spread for miles.
In the city, the buildings were grey and concrete, sleek and tall. The roads were made of the same stuff and they scraped at the bottom of his shoes. Everything was bright, loud, fast. Blaring sounds from strange machines that rolled pass by were the background noise of this new life.
He learned to walk fast. Dodged traffic. Kept out of the way if he didn't want to end up as paste in the pavement. What people wore would have made courtesans and prostitutes blush, scandalized, and Wei Wuxian learned to get used to seeing skin, short hair, and thin clothes without turning into a stuttering mess.
The spiritual energy was dormant, inaccessible with his lack of spiritual root. Buzzing among the pipelines underneath the pavement, unnoticed. Here, no one needed spiritual energy. What humanity made was something more terrible, more terrifying.
It made them monsters and gods in the world steadily raining calamity down the earth. Not unlike the world Wei Wuxian once knew. For all the conveniences of this world, he missed being able to breathe fresh air and see the stars.
In this world, he was still born as Wei Wuxian and Jiang Yanli was his maternal cousin. His parents died in an airplane crash along with Jiang Yanli's on their way home from a vacation. Since that day, their maternal grandfather, Grandfather Chang, had taken them in and raised them.
"Xian-er," Grandfather Chang smiled as he placed a mug of warm chocolate in front of him. He patted Wei Wuxian's hair. "Little brat, don't scare this old man like that again."
Apparently, Wei Wuxian had slipped in the kitchen and hit his head a day before. He was fine, for the most part. Only a minor sprain in his ankle. It could barely be even considered an injury. The Yiling Patriarch survived three months starving with nothing but vengeance keeping him alive. Wei Wuxian laughed but the familiarity of the action and the way the older man spoke reminded him of Uncle Four.
Grandfather Chang hobbled out, aided by Jiang Yanli. Wei Wuxian watched them and unclenched his fists. He wiped the corners of his eyes and stared at the steaming mug. He didn’t have a grandfather before. The sole person who was the closest he had as a grandparent was Granny Wen and she-
Wei Wuxian cut that thought off as the familiar sour notes of guilt rose in his stomach.
It took some time getting used to. Memories of this life trickled in increments and some days were spent gritting his teeth and nursing a migraine. Wei Wuxian wondered what Wen Qing would have thought about this.
Wei Wuxian looked at the hyper realistic paintings - no, photos - and saw that the smiling people depicted there weren't Madam Yu and Uncle Jiang. He wondered if his parents here were also his parents in the previous life.
"Shijie, did you know them?" Them, being her parents in this lifetime.
Jiang Yanli shook her head. "I only knew them from this life's memories."
She told him some stories. Her mother was a gentler woman who doted on her. Her father here was a kind man who made his time for her and taught her how to fold dumplings.
"They loved each other," Jiang Yanli murmured, eyes gleaming, pained.
"They're happy together," Wei Wuxian said as Jiang Yanli leaned her head on his shoulder as he stared at the picture of his own parents. They were unfamiliar to him, except for the faint memories of their smiles and falling asleep, snuggled between them while cartoons.
Memories of both lives merged in his head and threatened to split him in two. Wei Wuxian survived three days of being awake as he was cut open but this hurt more than a thousand falls to the Burial Mounds combined. There was a reason why souls drank Meng Po's soup because the memories of two lives were too much for anyone, but Wei Wuxian was used to carrying an entire world of burden stacked on his shoulders.
"Shijie?”
"Yes, A-Xian?"
Wei Wuxian tapped the pencil on the table. “Have you ever tried to find them?"
Madam Yu, Uncle Jiang. Wen Qing. Wen Ning. Jin Zixuan. Wei Wuxian tried lurking in social network sites, but nothing came up. He hoped that wherever they were, they were happy. Wei Wuxian missed them. Except for the peacock.
Jiang Yanli was silent and Wei Wuxian opened his mouth to take it back but Jiang Yanli turned to him with a smile full of certainty. "A-Xian, they are happy wherever they are."
"But the peacock-"
"A-Xian."
Wei Wuxian looked down.
"A-Xian, A-Xuan and I will meet again when the time is right."
Jiang Yanli said it like was a fact. Wei Wuxian would fight fate right now to make it so if this was the only way to make it up to her. Just to make his sister happy.
Wei Wuxian couldn't bring her back. He couldn't find a way to bring Jiang Cheng and Jin Ling to her, but he would find the peacock, drag him kicking and screaming, and knock his ugly head off his pompous shoulders if Jin Zixuan dared to reject her.
"I'm going to punch him again if he says anything bad about you," Wei Wuxian promised with a small pout.
They didn't speak of Jin Ling. Not yet.
"Shijie, where's the-"
"Shijie?" Grandfather Chang sounded amused, fond. He chuckled as he closed the book. "Ah, Xian-er, even now you still like those xianxia stories. When you were young, you used to pretend that you were a powerful cultivator and your a-jie is your martial sister. Dragged some of your cousins, too."
Wei Wuxian and Jiang Yanli stared at each other. Wei Wuxian forced a laugh. "A-jie is the best shijie in the world."
It wasn't a lie.
Wei Wuxian called Jiang Yanli "shijie" because it was familiar. Because she was his shijie. Jiang Yanli not being his shijie was an idea so incomprehensible that Wei Wuxian didn't bother wasting him time thinking on it. But this time, this life, was different.
"A-jie," Wei Wuxian mused, testing the words. Jiang Cheng said it with a fond tilt, in the crisper Yunmeng accent found in nobility, the one Wei Wuxian was raised in.
"A-Xian, it's okay," Jiang Yanli assured him once Grandfather Chang was out of earshot. "I'll be honored if you call me 'a-jie'."
"A-jie," he whispered, voice strained with disbelief. In this world, they were cousins but they always treated each other as siblings.
The smile on Jiang Yanli's face bloomed, her eyes softened. "Didi."
"A-jie!" Wei Wuxian laughed, blowing more bubbles as the breeze blew them up in the sky.
It was the weekend. The sun was hot and they decided to go up the hill to fly kites.
"A-Xian, smile!" Jiang Yanli giggled the nearest bubble popped on her nose. Her sundress swayed and fluttered with the tall grasses. She held a kite on one hand and a camera on the other, aiming it at his face.
Wei Wuxian beamed in her direction, sunlight bearing through his bones, lightweight as a bird's.
The sun was in his eyes but he didn't care.
There were days when it got too hard to breathe but Wei Wuxian wasn't one to just lie there and mope around.
("A-Xian is a free and untamable spirit," Uncle Jiang once said as they stood at the pier. "He does not move with the course of the waves if he could divert it.”
Uncle Jiang turned to him, s gentle fond smile on his face. ”Do not restrict yourself, A-Xian. You and I, the Jiang of Yunmeng, abide by our motto."
"Attempt the impossible," Wei Wuxian responded. He grinned. "Because it's only impossible until proven otherwise. Thanks, Uncle Jiang!")
So Wei Wuxian slipped into the role. He loved Grandfather Chang. It was easy to love this gruff but cheerful man who cared for his grandchildren equally, still managing the restaurant that had been in their family for decades despite the arthritis settling in his joints.
"Here, Xian-er," Grandfather Chang said, ruffling his short hair. On his hand was a piece of wrapped candy. The one he always carried in his pockets.
"Thanks, grandfather!" Wei Wuxian beamed feeling like a little boy as he turned to the kitchens to deliver another order.
Wei Wuxian helped, found bustling the tables, entertaining customers and doing deliveries on an old red bike he called Little Apple a familiar work that distracted him from being haunted by his past life. Jiang Yanli had long since been a permanent fixture in the kitchens once school was over. Her homemade meals were a hit.
The dishes she made were some of Yunmeng's specialties and though they tasted different because of the difference in ingredients, it still brought Lotus Pier to Wei Wuxian's mind and he cried when he took the first sip of her lotus pork rib soup.
He missed Uncle Jiang's quiet presence. The man who was a father figure to him and who never scolded him. His words of encouragement and praises that felt warm but weighed heavy in his stomach in Jiang Cheng's presence. He missed all of his shidi, the training grounds, fishing and hunting water ghouls. Hot summer days spent cooling themselves instead of training.
Wei Wuxian missed Madam Yu's harsh scolding.
He was thankful that despite Madam Yu's criticisms and her reminders that he was a mere servant's son spat out like it was bile in her mouth, she taught him fairly.
Madam Yu clothed him, fed him, allowed him to dine with them and didn't protest him being proclaimed as their head disciple, or made any efforts to wholly separate Wei Wuxian from Jiang Cheng or Jiang Yanli.
She could have chosen to cut his hand to appease the Wens. She could have chosen to leave him in Lotus Pier as a decoy, as the source of the conflict to buy more time yet she shoved him in a boat with her son to safety.
Losing his core felt like a black hole was carved in his body and the emptiness haunted him but it was a sacrifice Wei Wuxian never regretted. He would choose to make even for a hundred more lifetimes.
He managed. He was fine without it. Jiang Cheng needed it more, after all, how could a sect leader be coreless? Jiang Cheng was Wei Wuxian's brother and even without his promise to Madam Yu, he would have done it without hesitation. Wei Wuxian never regretted mastering demonic cultivation with all its untapped potential. He never regretted crafting Chenqing.
"I miss them," Wei Wuxian said, eyes on the bowl.
He had drawn portraits tucked in his cabinet, under lock and key. He scrounged up the fading outlines of their faces from memory. Uncle Jiang. Madam Yu. Jiang Cheng. A-Yuan. Wen Ning. Wen Qing. Wei Wuxian made copies for Jiang Yanli, and grudgingly, a decent portrait of Jin Zixuan. He had also drawn a complete portrait of Jin Zixuan, Jiang Yanli and a baby Jin Ling. Jiang Yanli took it, hands trembling and cried.
(And another one, creased from being folded and shoved behind books and a paper filled with rabbits: Lan Wangji.)
There were incense sticks lit on their secret makeshift altar, tablets with the names of their families carefully placed upon it. Jiang Yanli sat beside him and leaned his head against her shoulder.
Some nights, Wei Wuxian felt something calling for him.
Years passed.
Jiang Yanli left for college in the city. They video called each other, messaged each other. It was something Wei Wuxian wished to have invented back then. He helped Grandfather Chang in the meantime and ignored the dissatisfied mutterings of his uncle who saw their existence as a cancer. Wei Wuxian once glared the man down to submission when he scolded Jiang Yanli. The man cowered and fled Grandfather Chang's home.
A familiar thrum, a familiar searing warmth sang in his veins and Wei Wuxian nearly doubled in shock as his hand touched his abdomen. It was gone as fast as it came and no matter how he tried to call for it, the spiritual energy lay dormant under his skin.
Wei Wuxian graduated high school as the valedictorian and applied in the same university Jiang Yanli attended. They decided to rent a small apartment near the university, dipping into the money their parents left them.
They worked part-time in a bookstore cafe that was popular with the crowd of tired, caffeine or Instagram-obsessed college students who came in droves, lured in by the aesthetics and the cheap price.
"One special order for the best sister in the world." Wei Wuxian grinned at Jiang Yanli, placing the ornately designed lotus latte art on Jiang Yanli's counter. It was nearing the end of their shift and they were going to close the shop in just ten minutes.
The remaining students cooed at his sweetness. Wei Wuxian winked at them, inciting a wave of squeals and giggling.
Jiang Yanli gently pinched his cheeks. "Still charming them, Xianxian? When are you giving me a sibling-in-law?"
Wei Wuxian flushed. He never even dated. Girls slipped him numbers and flirted with him back, bolder than the maidens of Lotus Pier, but Wei Wuxian found himself unable to call them back. They were pretty, they were smart but Wei Wuxian knew that no one wanted the baggage of being in a relationship with the Yiling Patriarch. No one deserved it.
"A-jiieeee." Wei Wuxian pouted, puffing his cheeks like a chipmunk.
Jiang Yanli laughed, her lips curled in a secretive smile as she pinched his cheek. "Maybe a brother, perhaps?"
Wei Wuxian spluttered. That had been a long and uncomfortable talk.
The wind chimes above the door tinkled and Wei Wuxian turned away from the counter, turning around to greet the customer. His words instantly died on his tongue.
Jin Zixuan, in all his cocky glory walked in, his eyes on his phone. He strode in the shop as if he owned it, frowning on the screen before he looked up and stopped.
Some things never changed.
"Peacock," was out of Wei Wuxian's mouth before he could stop it. He said it in his rusty Yunmeng accent.
Jin Zixuan turned to him, mouth open as if he had been smacked. Wei Wuxian flinched when Jin Zixuan’s eyes fell on him. The old guilt gnawed on him with a thousand teeth. Jiang Yanli had sat him down years ago and told him that it wasn't his fault. It was an accident. She never blamed him.
It was Jin Zixun's fault for cornering him and forcing his hand. But Wei Wuxian was in command at that time. He held the flute and it was by Wen Ning's hand that Jin Zixuan died, leaving Jiang Yanli a young widow and Jin Ling an orphan.
"Wei Wuxian?" Jin Zixuan spoke, hesitant, surprised as he looked at him with wonder.
Wei Wuxian snorted, crossing his arms. "So you finally showed yourself."
Behind Wei Wuxian, Jiang Yanli gasped wordlessly.
"A-Xuan?" She whispered, her voice fragile, spun glass in the midst of a fall from a great height lay suspended between them.
Wei Wuxian stepped aside.
"A-Li?" Jin Zixuan murmured, wide-eyed. He finally found his strength and ability to move. Jiang Yanli flew behind the counter and they met in the middle. Jin Zixuan dropped his phone and bag and caught her.
The cafe was silent now but murmurs steadily rose from the table. However, their customers respectfully put their phones down when Wei Wuxian shook their heads at them. They smiled sheepishly and ducked away from the shop, leaving tips.
Wei Wuxian flipped the sign to 'closed' and turned to rearranged the books, leaving the two to their tearful reunion.
He dreamed he was standing on the shores of an endless night sky. Above him was the sea. Below him was the stars. In front of him was a blur of light, flickering in and out of view. There was a tugging on his soul. A pulsing that spelled his name.
Wei Wuxian headed the call but he awakened, cold sweat upon his brows, and shivering under the covers.
He didn't tell Jiang Yanli about the fact that sometimes he dreamed of someone calling him. Jiang Yanli was busy with school, work, reconnecting with the peacock and fussing over him.
Tonight, a figure in white appearing before him, voicelessly saying his name, blurred as if Wei Wuxian's eyesight was obstructed by a veil.
Where are you? It asked. Wei Wuxian couldn't hear anything but he felt the question. He felt it beneath his skin, seeping through the cracks of his ribs. He felt the the desperation bearing heavily on his lungs, squeezing his heart.
The song didn't stop playing and each note tugged at Wei Wuxian's soul.
Please, Wei Ying.
Who are you? Why did you call me? Wei Wuxian wanted to ask but his mouth couldn't move. Who are you to me?
Wei Wuxian felt that figure shudder, and there were warm drops of water hitting his own blurry feet. Tears? Why are you crying?
Wei Wuxian wanted to move, to reach out, but he was bound in place by an unseen force.
The figure shifted, ebbed like the waves upon the horizon. There was no mouth but Wei Wuxian finally heard his name being spoken in that achingly soft Gusu accent, a voice he knew deep in his bones-
"Wei Ying."
Wei Wuxian woke up, gasping. He stared at the dark ceiling, unseeing. There was a weight in his chest, something heavy, dense, but full of consuming emptiness as if he was trapped in the middle of a collapsing star.
It made his throat ache. It made him want to scream and reach for the dissipating illusion of a hand reaching towards him before the dream shuddered and broke.
His eyes traced the cracks on the ceiling before he closed his eyes.
There was only one person who called him by that name. Yet it didn't make any sort of sense.
Why the fuck did he dream of Lan Wangji calling for him?
"A-Xian?" Jiang Yanli's face swam into view.
Breakfast was a quiet affair between them. These days, Wei Wuxian took it upon himself to learn how to cook passably for those times Jiang Yanli would come home late from a shift or project.
Jiang Yanli was patient with his attempts, sharing his love for spice, and smiling warmly at the hot home cooked meal he lovingly prepared for her. Even if it was just plain congee and fried eggs. Topped with enough spices and chili oil to suit their Yunmeng palate.
Sometimes Jin Zixuan was there in their apartment. Of course, Wei Wuxian made his with more than enough spice to challenge even Wei Wuxian himself. Jin Zixuan's reaction was so worth it that Wei Wuxian's had a picture of it in his phone, ready to use it for their wedding despite Jiang Yanli's light but amused scolding.
("When I was pregnant, I craved the spiciest dishes from Yunmeng," Jiang Yanli shared to him while they were watching some sort of xianxia drama on the TV. "A-Xuan took one bite and cried."
Wei Wuxian laughed at the image. Jin Zixuan had the ugliest crying face he'd ever seen. Red, scrunched up, and snot running down his nose. It took a special kind of true love not to laugh in the face of that.
Jiang Yanli once commented that it was like his. Wei Wuxian had never been more betrayed.
But the sight of his sister subtly placing a hand over her stomach, the way the amusement in her eyes was stolen away by grief and longing stopped him short.
Wei Wuxian had never been more helpless.
I'm sorry.
"Better he get used to it then," Wei Wuxian said instead. "Maybe I should try making him a chili ice cream instead?"
Jiang Yanli playfully smacked his shoulder. "A-Xian!")
Wei Wuxian pulled up a smile, plastered it on his face. "Shijie."
Concern washed over her face. Jiang Yanli touched his arm. "A-Xian, do you want to talk about it?"
He faked his smile even more. "It's nothing, a-jie. Just tired."
A lie. Wei Wuxian may not be the best liar but he was good at hiding things. He learned a long time ago, with aching knees and a back bearing bruises from the paddle, from Madam Yu's cutting words that hurt more than getting flayed by Zidian a thousand times that Wei Wuxian's pain wasn't something to be fussed about.
He learned to move without wincing, to walk naturally despite the limp. The last time he cried because of the pain, Jiang Cheng cried for him. Jiang Yanli, his gentle shijie, tried to interfere and she bore the a bruise on her shoulder for it.
That was Madam Yu and Uncle Jiang's worst fight.
Zidian crackled, electricity and pure unadulterated rage tore through the walls as if they were wet paper. Their voices echoed through the halls, loud and damning, even the kind and genial Sect Leader Jiang raised his voice to rival the thunder.
The servants and disciples disappeared to huddle in safety. Madam Yu left for Meishan Yu, taking her children with her. Uncle Jiang was hardly seen in Lotus Pier the following weeks.
Wei Wuxian didn't look for him, terrified of what will happen with the unsettling knowledge that he caused this, that he was the reason for their fight and it was thick noose that hung around his heart, squeezing it until he found it hard to breathe.
Wei Wuxian saw how it broke Jiang Cheng. His little brother locked himself in his room when he was sent back, pretending to cultivate but Wei Wuxian knew he was crying every time he snuck in his courtyard to deliver food. He slipped him a note, apologizing for causing this mess.
'Dumbass,' Jiang Cheng wrote back. 'It's not your fault.'
Wei Wuxian saw how it broke something in Jiang Yanli, how she attempted to smile at him while serving him more lotus pork rib soup but the beloved dish tasted like ash, bitter and cold in his tongue. Settled heavy in his stomach with the weight of the entire world. One shrug and it would fall apart, crumbling around his feet.
It was Wei Wuxian's fault. He caused this. His shijie was hurt because of him.
That day, he decided, he would smile to hide the pain. Joke to distract everyone. Pain was nothing. He survived a childhood in the streets. Wei Wuxian was a survivor. Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng didn't deserve what was happening, Wei Wuxian would give them the world just to see them happy. What was one lie for them?
Wei Wuxian smiled even though it felt like countless knives and arrowheads filling his mouth and raking his tongue as Jiang Yanli fussed over him, asking if he was fine, if his wounds healed right. His scars sometimes ached but his level of cultivation made sure that they healed quickly.
"I'm fine, shijie!"
That was the first and last time Wei Wuxian tasted Madam Yu's unadulterated fury. Wei Wuxian wasn't thrown into the streets, he wasn't banished from the sect.
Still, he couldn't hide anything from Jiang Yanli easily. Jiang Yanli peered at him, her eyebrows creased in concern. "A-jie," Wei Wuxian assured her. "Please trust Xianxian. It's nothing. Just a dream."
Jiang Yanli let it go. She took her hand in his. "I'll always be here for you, A-Xian."
The dreams persisted.
It didn’t happen every night but it happened often enough that Wei Wuxian would wake up with Lan Wangji's voice saying his name reverberating in his ears.
Wei Wuxian thought of a boy who was cold and untouchable.
He never smiled back, he never laughed, never did anything but look at Wei Wuxian with a blank, blank face and a glare so frigid it froze winter and Wei Wuxian knew that he was condemning his existence that battered against their rules with the singular mission of breaking all of them, loathing his attempts of being the unstoppable force that tried to shake the very foundations of his being.
Lan Wangji detested his use of resentful energy with how much he hounded him, insisting in bringing him back to Gusu for punishment.
He once thought that they could have been good friends. But the sun was a merciless conqueror and Wei Wuxian walked the dark path to wrench victory from its hands.
Here he was now, hounded by dreams of that same man.
How fucking ridiculous. Lan Wangji would never waste his time thinking about Wei Wuxian. He was probably out there, with his righteousness, doing good for the world.
"Lan Zhan," Wei Wuxian whispered as he lay on his side on his bed, stating at the shadows on the wall, as if saying his name could make everything stop.
He tried again. "Lan Wangji."
No one answered.
"Hanguang-jun."
"Ji-xiong."
The shadows didn't move.
“Wei Ying,” his dream murmured again. The now familiar notes of the song echoed in the place of nowhere.
If Wei Wuxian had a coin for each time he heard this Lan Wangji say his name, he'd be filthy fucking rich to buy a rocket to the moon and stay there. Hopefully the lack of oxygen in there would stop the dreams from coming.
A thousand epithets to his name, hundreds a variation of curses attached to it until they became inseparable. Ghost child. Demon. Evil. Vile. The biggest mistake the universe made. The biggest disgrace of Yunmeng. Ungrateful. Selfish. Through it all, Lan Wangji was the only one who spoke his name.
"Wei Ying, where are you?"
Wei Wuxian heard the same question uttered over and over again. I don't know, He wanted to scream. Earth. Third planet on the fucking solar system. Why the hell are you still calling for me? What the fuck do you want from me!
He could never understand Lan Wangji. Did the man hate him so much that Wei Wuxian couldn't escape his hounding even in his second life?
Wei Wuxian read about cultivators experimenting with dreams and it resembled empathy but more dangerous, uncontrollable. He even read about the psychology of dreams and found no answers. Unless this was a result of a ritual, which he doubted. Why would Hanguang-jun waste his time calling for him? Not even taking into account the time dilation or the math involved, it was just too impossible.
Wei Wuxian attempted to shift on his feet and found himself nearly off balance. He frowned. This was new.
"Wei Ying, answer me. Please."
If he could move, he could speak, right? Well, Wei Wuxian couldn't introduce a new theory without testing the hypotheses first.
A whisper, barely heard from the sound of strings being plucked. "I miss you."
Wei Wuxian opened his mouth and finally answered. “Lan Zhan?”
But his voice was gone. All around them, his dream folded unto itself.
"Hypothetically, why would someone who hated you tell you that they miss you and try to call you even though you're worlds apart?"
Jiang Yanli blinked at him, head pillowed on Jin Zixuan's lap.
"That's oddly specific." Jin Zixuan said, looking perturbed. "Are you okay?"
Wei Wuxian stuck his tongue at him. Jin Zixuan ignored him.
"That's," Jiang Yanli seemed to be searching for words. "Maybe they don't actually hate you?"
Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan shared a look.
Jin Zixuan sighed as he looked away.
"Sounds like a plot for a cliché drama."
"Your face sounds like a badly edited drama."
"You-"
"Boys."
They stopped.
It didn't stop Wei Wuxian from flashing the photo of Jin Zixuan's crying face on the screen of his phone before taking off into a run.
"A-Xuan!" Jiang Yanli was smiling, flushed with happiness as she pulled them into a photo booth. She never looked happier and Wei Wuxian was as happy as she was as she dragged them to almost every ride in the amusement park.
Jin Zixuan, ever the supportive significant other, juggled the large teddy bear Jiang Yanli won for him. Jin Zixuan had blushed when she took aim and fired round after round, winning three prizes all divided among them. Wei Wuxian had teased him endlessly after that, delighting in the fact that Jin Zixuan couldn't even defend himself.
Wei Wuxian made a face at him before hugging Jiang Yanli close, pressing their cheeks together and forming peace signs as they posed in front of the camera. He made sure to block Jin Zixuan's face and gave him rabbit ears. Jin Zixuan, long used to Wei Wuxian's brand of bullying him, rolled his eyes and kissed Jiang Yanli's cheek.
They slipped out of the photo booth, Jiang Yanli humming in delight at the pictures, tucking them safely in her purse.
"A-jie, how about we try the rollercoaster again?" Wei Wuxian suggested, eyeing the rollercoaster with a mix of mischief and longing. He used to do tricks on Suibian, and he bet that the rollercoaster couldn't hold a candle to his Suibian's speed and agility.
Wei Wuxian wondered what happened to his sword, beloved and loyal, abandoned by its ungrateful master.
Jin Zixuan sniffed at him. He hated the roller coaster, the coward.
"Why, can't handle it, peacock?" Wei Wuxian taunted.
Good thing Jiang Yanli was between them, her arms twined with theirs as they carried her winnings and purchases. Jiang Yanli steered them towards the food stalls. "Now, now, you two. How about we eat first?"
Wei Wuxian's stomach growled in agreement.
Just as they were deciding on what to eat, a voice tore Wei Wuxian away from the menu.
"A-Yuan!"
("A-Yuan!" Wei Wuxian laughed, scooping the child into his arms, settling him on his hip.
A-Yuan beamed at him all pale dirt-stained little face and mussed hair. "Xian-gege."
"Aiyah, you little brat. What are you doing? Wen Qing is going to be mad at me again." He mockingly adopted Wen Qing's stern face, pinching A-Yuan's cheek. "Should I bury you again, hm?"
A-Yuan giggled, patting his cheeks with his tiny dirty hands, smearing Wei Wuxian's face, squealing, "Noooo, Xian-gege. A-Yuan is a good boy!"
Wei Wuxian melted. A-Yuan, his tiny sun, his little radish. The child who shouldn't have to live among the dead, dirt-poor, and far too innocent to be stained by the blood of his kin and weight of the sins permanently marring Wei Wuxian's hands.
The boy looked at him wide trusting eyes, shining bright. He looked at Wei Wuxian as if Wei Wuxian deserved it. A-Yuan deserved better and by the gods and demons in this world, Wei Wuxian was trying.
Wei Wuxian shifted A-Yuan and brought a hand up to gently cup his head, brushing a kiss on his forehead.
He didn't mind the dirt. Wei Wuxian pulled back and nuzzled his nose against A-Yuan's, grinning as the boy giggled.)
Wei Wuxian's vision tunneled as he ran towards the direction of the voice. "A-Yuan!"
He stood frozen a meter away from a man crouching in front of a fountain, arms reaching for a toddling little girl in a pink teddy beanie and holding a blue balloon. She was grinning. "Papa! Papa!"
("Xian-gege! Xian-gege!")
"A-Yuan, go on, go to papa." The woman standing beside them cooed, her phone raised and taking videos of them.
("Go on, go to Xian-gege," Wen Qing sighed, dusting off A-Yuan's clothes with a stern glare towards Wei Wuxian who was suddenly more interested in the grey skies of the Burial Mounds.)
Wei Wuxian was numb.
"A-Xian!"
Hands gripped Wei Wuxian's arm, tugging him away from the scene.
"A-Xian?"
"What's wrong with him? Hey, Wei Wuxian."
Another hand hesitantly touched his shoulder. Jin Zixuan sounded concerned but it was all white noise to Wei Wuxian.
Jiang Yanli followed her brother's gaze, confused. The family had long since left the fountain, the little girl held in her papa's arms. Jiang Yanli only saw a fountain and the trash littering the ground. Wei Wuxian ran.
It was Jin Zixuan who found him. Wei Wuxian toasted all the ironic entities in the world. "Wei Wuxian."
Wei Wuxian grunted, swallowing the rest of the liquor. It was the strongest he could find from the liquor store. It was bitter and it burned more than the heady lotus wine of Lotus Pier, than the deceptively mild and sweet taste of Emperor's smile which lured him to drink more and more but it grounded him in the present.
Jin Zixuan heaved a deep breath as if this was a huge burden on him. Wei Wuxian ignored him, he stared at the streetlights bending the shadows and forming streaks along the walls of the buildings and pavement, reminding him far too much of resentful energy crawling to greet him.
Gravel crunched under Jin Zixuan's expensive shoes until he was standing next to Wei Wuxian in the abandoned basketball court. Jin Zixuan sat next to him.
They were silent.
"You're going to ruin your clothes," Wei Wuxian pointed out.
Jin Zixuan snorted. "I can wash it."
"So Young Master Jin knows how to do laundry," Wei Wuxian sneered but it held no bite. "Do you want a reward, perhaps?"
"Wei Wuxian," Jin Zixuan said his name as if it was a warning. His eyes caught the label of the bottle. The faint streetlight caught its gleam. He continued, "You're supposed to savor it."
Wei Wuxian snorted. "You say that cause you can't handle it. Where is shijie by the way?"
Unseen, Jin Zixuan's brow creased at the way he called Jiang Yanli. Wei Wuxian had taken to calling Jiang Yanli 'sister' instead of 'martial sister', except for the times when Wei Wuxian was pouting and claiming he was three.
"I drove her home. She's waiting for us." Jin Zixuan's eyes bore into the side of his head.
Fuck off, Wei Wuxian wanted to growl, eyes tinting red before it faded. Spiritual energy of any kind was weaker in this world but there were days when Wei Wuxian could fool himself that there was something in his dantian, that he sensed resentful energy licking his fingertips before they faded away.
"Wei Wuxian," Jin Zixuan said slowly as if he was an easily startled rabbit. "It's not your fault."
Wei Wuxian flinched. He barked out a laugh. It was a harsh sound, grating against gravel and concrete.
"Look, whatever happened-"
"Don't," Wei Wuxian snarled. His fingers gripped the neck of the bottle almost hard enough to crack it. The cold nipped his fingertips.
But Jin Zixuan persisted. He wasn't the nosiest person in the world and Wei Wuxian grudgingly admired him for it until Jin Zixuan found it necessary to meddle. "It's not your fault."
Wei Wuxian laughed. "Not my fault?"
Then louder. "Not my fault!"
He drank the remaining liquor down immediately. It burned as much as it stung his eyes.
Jin Zixuan watched him. In the darkness, Wei Wuxian couldn't see his expression and he was glad for it.
"Young Master Jin, Young Master Jin. Did you know? There was a child in Burial Mounds," Wei Wuxian began. "Cute kid. Three years old. He always liked to cling to people's legs. Did you know, Young Master Jin, that he was also in your camps?"
Jin Zixuan flinched as if another blow was struck on him.
Wei Wuxian snorted, a bitter smile pasted on his face as he toasted Jin Zixuan. "I wanted to adopt him. Raise him as my kid in peace with the rest of his family. But your father, the great Chief Cultivator wanted the Stygian Tiger Seal so much he convinced even the righteous Lans that I was harboring an army instead of innocents."
Jin Zixuan was silent. He closed his eyes, hands trembling at the implication. "I'm sorry."
"What do you have to be sorry for, idiot? You were just another casualty," Wei Wuxian said, "who would believe me? Me! The evil Yiling Patriarch! Hah!"
"I'm sorry," Jin Zixuan whispered brokenly.
Wei Wuxian hurled the empty bottle next to the wall. It broke into pieces, the glass scattering among the trash. He snarled, "Fuck you. Stop being so fucking sorry. It's my fault. Leave. Fuck off. Go back to shijie."
"Wei Wuxian, it wasn't your fault-" Jin Zixuan tried again.
"I never got to see Jin Ling!" Wei Wuxian roared. "Not my fault? What a fucking joke. Fucking tell it to everyone, peacock. Wen Ning had been under my command when I ordered him to attack. Fucking tell it to everyone who I dragged into this mess."
Wei Wuxian scrubbed his face with his hand. "It's my fault. I killed them. I killed you. I killed my shijie, too and now Jin Ling is an orphan. I don't know if A-Yuan even survived. Now here we are."
"Wei Wuxian, for once in your life listen to me!"
"Or what? You're going to stab me?" Wei Wuxian stood up and spread his arms. "Do it. No one's here, there's no CCTV here."
Jin Zixuan was horrified. Wei Wuxian didn't need the light to see it. He laughed brokenly. "Come on, Peacock. Do it where I killed you. Here's a shard. Come on, I won't fight back. Shijie doesn't have to know-"
Jin Zixuan stood up and Wei Wuxian prepared himself for the upcoming blow. Jin Zixuan gripped his arms and crushed him against him.
Wei Wuxian squawked, struggling to get away.
"Fuck you, Wei Wuxian," Jin Zixuan snapped. "You dumb idiot. It was Jin Zixun and my father's fault. I forgive you. A-Li forgives you. I miss A-Ling and I'm sure your kid misses you too but you can't just claim everyone's mistakes as your own. Even I am to blame because I should've known. Sure, you're not innocent but gods, Wei Wuxian, it's not your job to shoulder the world."
Wei Wuxian was mortified. He was pissed. Of all the people in the world, it was the fucking peacock who saw him like this, that he was the one to comfort him-
Jin Zixuan muttered, voice hoarse, "Why is A-Li the only sensible one in your family."
"Fuck off."
Jin Zixuan was right. Wei Wuxian closed his eyes, the knot in his belly uncoiling as the fight and rage left him as quickly as they came. Wei Wuxian allowed himself a moment to press his forehead against Jin Zixuan's shoulder.
Finally calm, Wei Wuxian said, "You're still not worthy of a-jie."
Jin Zixuan huffed. "No one's worthy of her."
Jin Zixuan released him. Wei Wuxian stepped back and wiped his face angrily.
"Look. A-Li's worried. I'll take you home and you will sleep it off."
It was another sword lodged in his ribs. No matter what lifetime, Wei Wuxian always made Jiang Yanli worry.
"A-jie has nothing to worry about."
Jin Zixuan frowned but stayed silent.
Wei Wuxian let himself be herded into Jin Zixuan's car. He slumped on the backseat, leaned against the window and watched the city roll by. It was near midnight but the city was still alive.
He closed his eyes.
Forgiveness was a steep hill to climb.
"Hey, Peacock."
"Yes?" Jin Zixuan looked at him through the rear-view mirror.
"I don't blame you."
That night, they had a truce.
These days, Wei Wuxian found it easier to breathe. The maelstrom brewing and festering in him learned to leave him alone.
"Forgive yourself," Jiang Yanli said.
Wei Wuxian was getting there.
"A-Ling has A-Li's eyes," Jin Zixuan said, staring at a potato chip.
Jiang Yanli never approved of them eating junk food but she never threw away any she found. Just hid them in places Wei Wuxian would never look for. He and Jin Zixuan made a pact to inform each other where Jiang Yanli hid what she confiscated.
Wei Wuxian paused, trying to picture it. He smiled. It felt right.
"He never calms down unless he is holding Suihua."
Wei Wuxian snorted. "A-Yuan likes chewing on Chenqing."
Jin Zixuan gave him a look. "You let a baby chew on your demonic flute."
Wei Wuxian stuck his tongue at him. Like he was the one to talk.
They were in the mall with Wei Wuxian lazily browsing the toys section when he spotted two rabbits. One black and one white, both made with the softest cloth with pink ears and pink noses, shiny black button eyes stared at him. Wei Wuxian grinned, a memory splitting his vision to two real rabbits from a long time ago.
"A-Xian?"
Wei Wuxian swallowed the lump in his throat, laughing. "Yeah?"
Jiang Yanli glanced at the stuffed toys he was holding and Wei Wuxian was filled with the ridiculous urge to put them back and hide them.
"They are cute," Jiang Yanli remarked, a noncommittal smile playing on her lips as she drifted to another aisle, humming.
Wei Wuxian placed them on his cart, knowing that if Jin Zixuan saw, he would offer to pay for it and Wei Wuxian might just deck him again. He was just about to join Jiang Yanli at the cashier when he spotted another stuffed toy peeking behind a tomato one. With numb fingers, he reached out and pulled the toy out. It was a radish with a smiling face and two spots of pink on its cheeks. He placed it between the two rabbits.
The cashier smiled kindly at him and asked if he wanted them wrapped like a gift. Wei Wuxian politely refused.
He took the toys to his room, arranging them on the bed side table and stared at them for hours. He wondered how A-Yuan was doing now, how old he must be now, wondered how A-Yuan would react if he saw the radish.
But those were daydreams, fragile as bubbles that drifted away with the breeze. Jiang Yanli didn't say anything when she saw them and just smiled in understanding. She, too, had bought two dog stuffed toys which Wei Wuxian learned to tolerate, tucked on her pillows in her bed.
One night, some unknown force dragging him back to wakefulness. Wei Wuxian gasped, clutching his abdomen. In his dantian, the beginnings of a golden core pulsed.
His phone buzzed impatiently beside him. Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan felt it too.
Ever since they got their cultivation back, Wei Wuxian and Jin Zixuan took up sparring with each other in the training room in Jin Zixuan's condo unit when Wei Wuxian wasn't meditating and making do with the dormant spiritual energy in this world to cultivate.
The only night hunts they could find were in haunted and abandoned buildings and they had to do it without the traditional spiritual weapons back in their world except for the talismans Wei Wuxian made. Though the ghosts here made interesting conversationalists.
"You're planning something," Jin Zixuan accused, wiping his face with a towel. "You and A-Li literally have the same expression when you're planning something."
Wei Wuxian laughed.
He had been planning this for a long time now. After waking up in this world, after cultivating his newly found golden core, after Jiang Yanli beat Jin Zixuan and proposed first.
Wei Wuxian was trying to find a way to let Jiang Yanli, and Jin Zixuan by extension, see Jin Ling even for only a second or a minute.
And he did.
The thing was, Wei Wuxian was the king of questionable decisions, and the paragon of curiosity and bad choices.
The array was complete. Wei Wuxian's heart pounded, anticipation rising, a tidal wave hitting him. Closing his eyes, he activated it.
Light flared and a loud static hum filled the air. A moment later, a shockwave sent Wei Wuxian hurtling against the wall. He yelped at the impact, his knees slamming down on the hard floor. His ears rang from the impact, vision swimming. He closed his eyes, his fingers trembled as the light faded. Fuck. Wei Wuxian survived worse than this.
"Fuck shit," Wei Wuxian hissed, rolling on his back. He winced and started swearing under his breath. He opened his eyes once he deemed it safe and the world stopped turning. Gods, his neighbours were going to murder him. Never mind that he set up the strongest wards and barriers inside the apartment. The walls were pretty thin.
A pair of white boots entered his line of sight.
“Wei Ying?”