Chapter Text
Jiang Cheng couldn’t speak even if he wanted to. The surprise of seeing his love at the door caused him to erupt in a fit of coughing and desperate gasping for air, the sounds coming out of him sounding pitiful and almost inhuman. However it seemed to snap Lan Xichen out of whatever frozen trance he was in, Jiang Cheng felt gentle hands on his shoulders, on his face, the tickle of long black hair on his nose as Lan Xichen leaned over him.
“A-Cheng…A-Cheng…” Lan Xichen kept repeating as Jiang Cheng spit out a wad of winter jasmine blossoms.
A-Cheng. That was new.
“Your brother told you.” He guessed when he finally got his voice back, it barely came out and hurt when it did but it was audible.
Lan Xichen flinched at his tone, his voice sounding shaky and weak even to him. He tilted his head in affirmation.
“Remind me to break his legs.” Jiang Cheng growled as best as he could.
He couldn’t really. They both knew that. Not in his state. But Lan Xichen just brushed his hair out of his face so it didn’t get caught in the dried blood any more than it already had, his hands always so gentle.
“You didn’t want me to know” That wasn’t a guess and Lan Xichen’s voice was terrifyingly even as he spoke.
Jiang Cheng nodded.
“No point.”
“It's me. Isn’t it.” Another statement from Lan Xichen.
There was a long silence, only the sounds coming from outside his window echoing through the room. There was no point anymore, was there? No use in hiding it. Lan Xichen was far from a stupid man.
He nodded again.
“You were just going to die, weren’t you? Without telling me? Without telling anyone?” He wished Lan Xichen would stop asking questions he already knew the answer to.
“I told Wei Wuxian” he argued weakly, just to prove him wrong.
Lan Xichen’s face wasn’t impressed. He busied himself with grabbing the cleanest rag out of the bunch and the bucket with the least blood in it and softly started washing the bloodstains off Jiang Cheng’s face.
“I didn’t want you to feel guilty. This isn’t your fault.” Jiang Cheng added, the silence pressing on him in a weight that was greater than the flowers in his chest.
“Isn’t it?” Lan Xichen challenged with that same even tone. He didn’t like that tone. He couldn’t tell how he was feeling, he’d never heard it from him before.
“No. You can’t help how you feel. Especially not when it comes to me.” Jiang Cheng sighed, too exhausted to argue.
“I believe I’m more at fault than you believe me to be.” Lan Xichen was frowning, not looking Jiang Cheng in the eye, instead focused solely on washing his face. He shook his head, making his hand slip.
“No. You don’t get to blame yourself for this. It's hardly your fault someone like you doesn't love someone like me.” Jiang Cheng tried to turn away but Lan Xichen held him firmly in place.
The hand washing his face froze.
“Someone like you?” He echoed.
“Yes. Angry. Brash. Violent. Impulsive-” Jiang Cheng was going to continue but before he could a pair of lips were pressed to his, as gently as if he were porcelain.
When Lan Xichen pulled back Jiang Cheng could do nothing but gape. The kiss couldn't have been pleasant for him, his breath smelled overwhelmingly of winter jasmine and must have tasted like earth and blood. But Lan Xichen just took hold of his hand and ran his thumbs across the back.
Jiang Cheng’s chest stung, stubborn tears coming unbidden to his eyes as he tried to yank his hand away. Lan Xichen seemed surprised, he could have kept him there with how weak he was but he let him go. Jiang Cheng pulled his hand in close, cradling it to his chest.
“Don’t. Don’t do this. Please.” His voice was soft, pleading. He hated sounding like this.
He wanted Lan Xichen to leave. The hurt in his heart was worse than the flowers rubbing his throat raw. It was worse than knowing he was dying. It was worse than facing his nephew, saying goodbye to him. Worse than having to give his Mother’s spiritual weapon to Wei Wuxian.
“I…I’m afraid I don’t understand.” Lan Xichen looked hurt, but above all confused. His brows furrowed in a way that would be ridiculously adorable in any other situation.
“Don’t pretend to love me because I’m dying. Please, let me have a little dignity left.” He closed his eyes, unable to admit it to his face.
His dignity had been stripped away as soon as Wei Wuxian had to start helping him dress or go to the latrine. It had been eviscerated the moment his council had to crowd around his bed for an important sect meeting. It vanished the second Jin Ling had to hold his hair back as tears of pain mixed with blood and flowers.
“A-Cheng…” Lan Xichen’s voice held something in it Jiang Cheng didn’t know how to read.
“Don’t…please…”
He couldn't stand the familiarity. The pity. The last thing in the world he wanted was the man he loved to see him die, to watch him wither away into a skeleton surrounded by blooms of winter jasmine and blood.
He tried to roll onto his side so he didn’t have to face Lan Xichen, exerting what little energy he had left, but the older man grasped his shoulders and held him down on the bed with a strength that surprised Jiang Cheng. He sat down next to him, unmindful of the blood staining his white robes, leaning over him so they were almost nose to nose with a hauntingly intense look in his eyes.
“Jiang Wanyin, I’ve broken many rules of my sect but I do not lie. I love you. I love your passion, your fire, the way you try so hard to act like you don't care about people but I see it. You do. About Jin Ling, even Wei Wuxian. Even me. You loved a broken man and you loved me as I was. I told you I was more at fault for this than you thought, its because I love you. I have for a while now.”
Lan Xichen grasped his face, hands-on his gaunt cheekbones so he couldn’t look away. Jiang Cheng didn’t want to look at that expression in his eyes, that intensity.
“Lans only love once.” He repeated what he’d been told all that time ago.
“I was a fool. An utter fool. I loved Jin Guangyao, truly. But you snuck up on me, Wanyin. You crept up and before I knew it I’d found love again.” A tear dripped from Lan Xichen’s nose onto Jiang Cheng’s face that the former gently brushed off with a thumb.
“You didn’t say anything.” Jiang Cheng rebutted weakly.
If he truly loved him he should have said something. He knew how he felt. Lan Xichen shook his head, opening his mouth and seeming to search for an explanation.
“Lans are only supposed to love once. I felt like I was betraying Jin Guangyao, despite everything he’d done, by loving you. It was unfair to you, I know. I’m more selfish than I seem. Then you started seeing the matchmaker and I thought you’d moved on, you grew so distant and…” he trailed off.
Jiang Cheng was at a loss for words. That seed of doubt and self-hatred had been planted so deep, rooted even deeper than the flowers in his lungs, ‘Lans only love one’ continued echoing in his head.
“What can I do to make you believe me? I’d do anything to remedy the mistakes I’ve made, xīngān.” He pleaded, voice shaking so slightly that if Jiang Cheng hadn’t been enraptured by his every word he would have missed it.
If he had any blood left to rush to his cheeks and ears he would have at the term of endearment.
“There's a pond behind the Hanshi…” Lan Xichen started, staring at Jiang Cheng’s purple under-robe and the faint lotus patterns that were now sullied with his blood and sweat, “I’ve started to grow lotuses. They continue to die…but last year there was one that bloomed. Just a single one. A fighter. Just like you.”
Jiang Cheng felt like his words had been robbed from him from the moment Lan Xichen had stepped into the room, and now more so than ever.
“You love me.” He whispered finally, catching the hand that Lan Xichen had removed from his cheek in his own, his voice disbelieving.
“Ardently” Lan Xichen expressed, “now my only question is, would you do me the honor of loving me back?”
He looked scared as if there was a single chance Jiang Cheng was going to say no.
“Shǎ guā…” was all he could manage before the tears that he was keeping at bay broke through the floodgates and spilled onto his cheeks.
“A-Cheng…” Lan Xichen pressed their noses together, his robes most definitely ruined by now.
Jiang Cheng grabbed the front of his robes, pulling him closer so their noses slipped and Lan Xichen’s lips were on his once more. This time Jiang Cheng wasn’t too shocked to reciprocate, the two moving in tandem as Lan Xichen ignored the taste of blood in his mouth and Jiang Cheng pretended like he didn’t notice the wet droplets falling from Lan Xichen’s eyes onto his skin.
“Don’t die for me, A-Cheng…I can’t lose you.” Lan Xichen was clutching at Jiang Cheng in a very strange sort of horizontal hug as he pressed himself as close as he could without hurting him.
There was no doubt he could feel every bone on Jiang Cheng, his ribs pronounced ever since he stopped being able to ingest food. Lan Xichen didn’t seem to care beyond the heartbroken glance he'd given them. He just pulled Jiang Cheng into his arms more comfortably and basked in the love in the air.
Outside the room, a certain white-robed cultivator was trying to stop his husband from entering the room.
“Lan Zhan, let me go! I need to check on Jiang Cheng!” His husband huffed, finally prying his arm away from where it was blocking the door and entering.
The two holding each other on the bed with tear tracks on their faces didn’t seem to notice his entrance, either that or they were too engrossed in each other to care.
“Oh…” Wei Wuxian whispered under his breath.
Lan Wangji who had been right behind him felt his shoulders slump in relief as he saw the result of his letter. He may not be Jiang Cheng’s biggest fan, but he wasn’t about to see his brother lose someone else he loved. Not when he’d been so miserable without Jiang Cheng these past few months.
The pair slowly backed out of the room, closing the door as quietly as they could behind them as they left the couple to their own devices.
Things got better after that.
Jiang Cheng found that each day it was a little easier to breathe, the blood coming less often and the roots shrinking back down where they came from.
Lan Xichen held him as he threw up what flowers were left, stroking his hair and murmuring words of love and encouragement. Proving to Jiang Cheng each day that he loved him, that he was worthy of love. He rarely strayed from his side except for when his brother forced him to sleep, and even then he chose to curl up on the other side of Jiang Cheng’s bed and rest there.
There was still worry. Jiang Cheng couldn’t keep any food down until the roots had shrunken enough and the healer was worried he’d starve to death before he could be healed. To say Lan Xichen took the news well would be a blatant lie. He tried to make every single food he could to see if any would sit well with Jiang Cheng. He’d even made his A-Jie’s lotus rib soup. It was awful and he probably wouldn't be able to eat it even if he had no roots in his throat, but it was the thought that counted.
Once the roots had descended and disappeared Lan Xichen had insisted on taking Jiang Cheng back to the Cloud Recesses to regain his strength. There was barely a moment he wasn’t doted on, his partner only leaving for Sect Leader responsibilities and even then he did as much paperwork in the Hanshi as he could.
There were rules against gossip in the Cloud Recesses so no one said anything about it. They didn’t say anything when Jiang Cheng was up and walking again yet didn’t return to Lotus Pier right away. They didn’t say anything about the pair planting something near the pond, heads bent together as their Sect Leader listened intently.
And when Lan Xichen ordered every single winter jasmine plant unrooted and disposed of in the sect…well, no one said anything about that either.