Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Friday, 3:14 P.M.

"archives research & statement envestigation"

Timothy Stoker renamed the group "drinks drinks drinks"

Timothy Stoker changed Sasha James ’s nickname to saucy sash

Timothy Stoker changed Martin Blackwood ’s nickname to martini kart

Timothy Stoker changed his nickname to stonked

stonked: so how bout it lads

saucy sash: oh god.

saucy sash: how about what?

stonked: sasha my love i know ur not that dumb

stonked: ur being ""deliberately obtuse""

stonked: quote unquote mr bossman @ me this morn

saucy sash: wait

saucy sash: tim

saucy sash: timothy stoker. are you the reason there was no tape in the labelmaker after i Know i replaced the roll two days ago?

saucy sash: and is that at all related to jon asking you to label the last few things you’ve gone through?

saucy sash: and, pray tell, does that have anything to do with the fact i saw a label on the breakroom fridge reading "fridge"? i didn’t investigate further but i expect everything in the fridge was also labelled? unnecessarily? to be petty?

stonked: ………no comment

Sasha James changed her nickname to label tape is expensive, tim

martini kart: Oof i can feel the icy chill in the air

martini kart: Rip tim stoker eviscerated by the Judging Stare Of Sasha James™ in the year of our lord 2016

stonked: aaaaaaaaanyway

stonked: the point of awakening the chat was not to inquire into my biz the point of awakening the chat was to ask

stonked: drinks after work y/y

label tape is expensive, tim: you’re an idiot, but y

label tape is expensive, tim: ofc i’m always down for drinks

martini kart: Y!!!!

martini kart: As long as we dont do tequila shots again i embarrassed myself enough last time

stonked: booooo

label tape is expensive, tim: boooo

label tape is expensive, tim: and your karaoke last time was so good, martin!

martini kart: Thanks sasha!! But im more worried about getting uh, sappy drunk again

stonked: nooooo sappy drunk marto is best marto

stonked: its honestly adorable

stonked: and u give the literal best hugs of anyone i know

stonked: even if ur taste in men is questionable at best

martini kart: Nooo :(((

martini kart: Actually, should we ask jon to come with? I dont know, i get worried about him being lonely

label tape is expensive, tim: sure you do

stonked: sure u do

martini kart: Guys!! Not like that!!! I mean weve worked with him for months, we still dont know anything about him and i sometimes wonder if he has any friends :///

stonked: with that winning personality? probs not

stonked: i love u marto and i have nothing but empathy re ur terrible crush on our terrible boss

stonked: but friday nite drinks r sacred

stonked: a jon free zone if u will

label tape is expensive, tim: actually

stonked: sash no

stonked: whatever ur gonna say, my answer is no

martini kart: Shh tim, go on sasha?

label tape is expensive, tim: tim, you’re saying you wouldn’t like to see what jon is like drunk?

stonked: ...............shitdamn ur right

stonked: fine ill add him

label tape is expensive, tim: no!!!!!

martini kart: Wait tim dont!!!!

stonked: i thought??? u wanted me to????

label tape is expensive, tim: you’re not adding him to this shitty gc where martin may be Compromised

label tape is expensive, tim: in this house we love and protect one (1) martin k blackwood

label tape is expensive, tim: especially when he already cops so much shit from jon

stonked: oh fuck ofc

stonked: sorry marto

stonked: my b, ill make another

martini kart: Thanks guys :))))

stonked: altho b4 i do that

stonked: bets on what type of drunk jon is gonna be???

stonked: tenner says hell be gone by round 2

stonked: the lightweights lightweight

label tape is expensive, tim: i'll take you on that, i feel our boss has hidden talents in the arena of booze consumption

stonked: only time will tell

---

Timothy Stoker added Martin Blackwood , Sasha James and Jonathan Sims to the group

Timothy Stoker renamed the group "archives gang"

---

Martin Blackwood to Sasha James

Martin Blackwood: Do you think tim knows he has that really pained look on his face? 

Sasha James: oh bless

Sasha James: poor baby forced to be mildly professional 

Martin Blackwood: It wont last more than 3 drinks i can guarantee

Sasha James: for sure

Martin Blackwood: Fiver on it?

Sasha James: no bet, we both know it won’t not happen

---

Sasha James to Timothy Stoker

Sasha James: hey babe

Sasha James: martin and i appreciate the restraint xx

Timothy Stoker: thx babe 

Timothy Stoker: its a massive sacrifice im glad u realise that

Timothy Stoker: but if u think that means im not doing nicknames then u would be Wrong

Sasha James: oh god

---

"archives gang"

Timothy Stoker changed Sasha James ’s nickname to the competent one

Timothy Stoker changed Martin Blackwood ’s nickname to the soft one

Timothy Stoker changed his nickname to the fun one

Timothy Stoker changed Jonathan Sims ’s nickname to mr bossman

mr bossman: Tim? What is this?

the fun one: archives gc

the fun one: obv

the competent one: Let me translate

the competent one: Tim is trying to organise drinks for after work, Jon

the competent one: The rest of it is Tim being Tim

the fun one: babe would you want me any other way?

the competent one: Yes

mr bossman: Yes.

the soft one: Yes

the fun one: i came out to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked rn

---

Timothy Stoker to Sasha James

Timothy Stoker: ohhhh i see how it is

Timothy Stoker: sasha james more like sasha JUDAS

Timothy Stoker: plus look at u with ur correct capitalisation when the boss is in the chat

Sasha James: one of us has to be profesh

Sasha James: and we both know it’s not going to be you

Timothy Stoker: i already didnt call the chat "archives gang bang" and that was the hardest thing ive done all day

Timothy Stoker: all week

Timothy Stoker: all year

Timothy Stoker: sash i dont know what more you want from me??????

---

"archives gang"

mr bossman: Well. Thank you for the offer, Tim, but I don’t think it would be wise for me to go out drinking with you all.

the fun one: oooo boss what dirty secrets are u tryna hide

mr bossman: I just mean it wouldn’t be professional. And I don’t think you’d want to spend your Friday night hanging around with your boss.

mr bossman: You three have fun without me.

the competent one: Jon no! We’re all colleagues, we’d like you to be part of the group

the fun one: itll be fun i promise

the fun one: stokers honour

the fun one: plus ull break martos heart if u dont come

the fun one: hes been wanting to do smth as a group for a while

the soft one: Dont drag me into this tim!!

the soft one: But it would be really nice if you came, jon, we would like to get to know you properly :))

the fun one: see now u have to come boss

the fun one: otherwise u really will be disappointing martin and thats like kicking a puppy

mr bossman: I’m really more of a cat person, but I can see your point.

the fun one: :0

the fun one: bossman i have learnt more about u in the last 2min of u being in this chat than i have in months of working together

mr bossman: Don’t make me regret considering this.

the competent one: We’ll make Tim behave, promise!

mr bossman: Hmm

mr bossman: I’ll believe that when I see it.

mr bossman: Counteroffer. I’ll come if and only if the three of you actually stay off your phones and do some work for the rest of the afternoon.

the fun one: if thats what it takes

the fun one: fine

the competent one: Suits me

the soft one: Yeah okay! But before everyone signs off

the soft one: I was about to get a cuppa, anyone else want tea?

the competent one: Yes thanks Martin!

the fun one: shit yes pls ur a lifesaver

mr bossman: Thank you, yes.

the soft one: Ill be round in 5 :)))

---

"drinks drinks drinks"

label tape is expensive, tim: i mean, we’ll stay off that gc

label tape is expensive, tim: what he doesn’t know about this one won’t hurt him

stonked: now ur speakin my language sash

stonked: i was getting worried about u for a moment there

label tape is expensive, tim: a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do

martini kart: And it worked! Mission group drinks is a go!!

stonked: ultimate bad influence champion tim "the actual best" stoker: 1

stonked: grumpy emotionally constipated bossman jonathan "no fun" sims: 0

label tape is expensive, tim: more like "combined weight of tim’s relentless badgering, my actual tact, and martin’s legendary puppy eyes": 1

stonked: yea ok it was a team effort

stonked: but id still call that a mission success ayeeeeee

martini kart: I heard jon sigh from out here even with his door shut

martini kart: But at least hes coming!! So thatll be fun i hope :))

stonked: well seeing as this chat isnt for drinks anymore

label tape is expensive, tim: tim don’t you dare change it back to what it was

Timothy Stoker renamed the group "archives research & statement envestigation"

Timothy Stoker changed Sasha James ’s nickname to hell yea ive changed it back

Timothy Stoker changed Martin Blackwood ’s nickname to marto kart

Timothy Stoker changed his nickname to stonks

hell yea ive changed it back: i hate you and everything you stand for

Sasha James changed her nickname to not part of this

not part of this: oh

not part of this: and nice save, dumbass

not part of this: martin nearly had an aneurysm when you said jon not coming would break his heart

not part of this: good recovery but i’m gonna have to give you a warning and point you in the direction of rule 2

marto kart: Nono sasha its all good!! No need for rule 2

marto kart: I wont lie im actually kinda pleased that *that* was what made jon consider coming

marto kart: And i know it doesnt Mean anything but its a sign that he doesnt think im a complete waste of space so thats heartening at least

stonks: i rlly dont know what u see in him

stonks: but its literally impossible for anyone to think ur a waste of space marto

stonks: so im sure ur good

not part of this: ^^^^ agreed

marto kart: Aw thanks <33

marto kart: Also omg

marto kart: Hes a cat person 

Sasha James changed her nickname to actually a part of this now

actually a part of this now: omg yes

actually a part of this now: for all your faults, tim timberley stoker, i do have to thank you for enabling that piece of info to slip out

actually a part of this now: do you think he has a cat?

stonks: or two cats??? 

marto kart: maybe more.........

actually a part of this now: imagine...........

actually a part of this now: okay but maybe we should actually get some work done in the last hour or so before drinks

stonks: ughhhh roll on 5pm

marto kart: Agreed

actually a part of this now: agreed

marto kart: Wait

marto kart: Were going drinking. With jon

marto kart: Were going drinking with jon in an hour oh god oh fuck

stonks: ????? and the problem is?

actually a part of this now: oh. 

marto kart: Yeah

marto kart: Tim please i mean it absolutely no tequila this time

stonks: no promises babe >;)

Chapter Text

Friday, 4:06 P.M.

Jonathan Sims to Georgie Barker

Jonathan Sims: Georgie

Jonathan Sims: Georgie help

Jonathan Sims: I have made a fucking Mistake

Georgie Barker: christ jon what have you done

Georgie Barker: do i need to help you get rid of a body or…?

Georgie Barker: bc i do have that massive spade, and i know someone who knows someone who has a plot of land in the west country

Jonathan Sims: it’s worse

Jonathan Sims: I’ve agreed to go for drinks with my assistants after work

Jonathan Sims: in about an hour

Jonathan Sims: Georgie I’m meant to be their Professional Boss I can’t get drunk with them

Jonathan Sims: I have spent Months being authoritative and scholarly and cynical

Jonathan Sims: they respect me

Jonathan Sims: the archives are a mess and I need them to do what I tell them to if we’re going to have any hope of getting through it all

Jonathan Sims: they cannot be allowed to find out that I too am a disaster

Jonathan Sims: what do I do Georgie??

Georgie Barker: ohhh nobody died except your perceived dignity 

Georgie Barker: lol you can deal with that one yourself

Georgie Barker: i’ll put the spade away

Georgie Barker: look, simple answer: just go and have fun

Jonathan Sims: Georgie I am being Serious

Georgie Barker: and so am i

Georgie Barker: this will be good for you, jon

Georgie Barker: it won’t hurt if they find out you’re a person too

Georgie Barker: besides, it’ll be good for you to get some friends other than me and the admiral

Jonathan Sims: no archival assistant can ever replace the Admiral in my heart

Georgie Barker: nice to see i didn’t even rate there

Jonathan Sims: did you honestly expect to?

Georgie Barker: .......damn ya got me there

Georgie Barker: the admiral is by far the best of all of us

Jonathan Sims: agreed.

Georgie Barker: legit advice though, just go and have a good time

Georgie Barker: your coworkers won’t think any less of you if you have a drink with them! in fact it could lead to all of you getting on better! and you might even enjoy yourself! 

Jonathan Sims: well. that’s debatable.

Georgie Barker: :|

Georgie Barker: jon.

Jonathan Sims: Georgie.

Georgie Barker: okay that’s it

Georgie Barker: unless you go out with them, and promise me you’ll at least try to have a good time, i’m locking the admiral in the bedroom when you come over from this point forward

Georgie Barker: no cat for you until you at least try to play nice with the others

Jonathan Sims: you Wouldn’t

Georgie Barker: i Would

Georgie Barker: don’t you dare test me jonathan sims

Georgie Barker: cats are only for good bosses who attempt to socialise

Jonathan Sims: fine. I’ll try. for the Admiral’s sake. but I’m not happy about this.

Georgie Barker: tough

Georgie Barker: and if you can get some photographic evidence so much the better

Georgie Barker: i know how keen you are on proper evidence :)

Jonathan Sims: you’re a cruel woman, Georgina Barker

Georgie Barker: i know xx

Georgie Barker: seriously though, you’ll be fine

Georgie Barker: have fun!!

Jonathan Sims: the Admiral had better appreciate the sacrifices I make on his behalf

---

5:00 P.M.

"archives gang"

the fun one: 5 on the dot

the fun one: aka drinks oclock come onnnn

the fun one: lets go lets go lets go

the fun one: theres a booth at the pub round the corner with my name on

the soft one: Coming!! Ive just got to get my stuff together, ill meet you out the front in 2 :)))

the competent one: Tim you goof give us all a second to finish up and shut down

mr bossman: I’ll lock up once we’ve all gone out.

mr bossman: I feel like I’m going to regret so much of this, but. I suppose the pub awaits.

the fun one: yessssssssss

---

"archives research & statement envestigations"

stonks: right so while i wait for you nerds who werent ready at the designated time

stonks: game plan: casual beers ciders w/e round the corner, get a fun lil buzz on

stonks: quick dinner mayhaps a cheeky nandos

stonks: then to the usual for the usual 

stonks: hopefully culminating in a fun fresh and funky night for all involved

stonks: needless to say we do not tell the bossman about any of this, the only way to get him to have fun is if we spring it on him i think

stonks: all in favour of operation get jon to loosen up for once say aye 

marto kart: Aye

actually a part of this now: aye

actually a part of this now: i’d suggest a blood pact but you know i don’t think we need it

marto kart: Oaths sworn in alcohol are even stronger than oaths sworn in blood im pretty sure

stonks: im so proud of u both

---

Saturday, 1:41 A.M.

"archives gang"

the soft one: Guyss!!!!

the soft one: Great niht out than kyou ALL

the soft one: Dont forge to drink! !!!! Water! !!!! When you gt home! !!

the soft one: Youll love yrselves tomorow s much as i lov you all whichis a LOT <333

---

6:01 A.M.

the fun one: fcukign shitbitch alarm i forgot i set it for sat too fuc fuck ihave a hangover haedache th size of eliass smugfuck ego i h8 evrythn and if im feelin tihs shit i mtaking u all down w me

the fun one: wait

the fun one: fuck

---

"archives research & statement envestigations"

stonks: fuck fuckf uck i FuCkEd Up

actually a part of this now: tim i’m trying to sleep what did you do

actually a part of this now: oh.

actually a part of this now: oh no.

stonks: hes gnna kil meeee

actually a part of this now: f

marto kart: F

marto kart: Id have more sympathy but you lied abt no tequila so this is your own fault

stonks: thats fair

marto kart: Ill miss you when jon murks you on monday tho

stonks: itwas nice knowign yall

---

 7:27 A.M.

"archives gang"

mr bossman: seconded.

mr bossman: do’nt talk t me I dnt exist til mond ay

---

" archives research & statement envestigations"

stonks: holy fuck

---

8:04 A.M.

stonks: been tryna process that but nope im stil 2 hungovr to deal w this

stonks: give me like 5 hrs nd some more panadol

marto kart: :thumbs up emoji:

---

2:12 P.M.

stonks: okay im feeling less like something curled up and died in my entire head so thats a plus

stonks: fucking christ i havent had a hangover this bad for years i mustve been going extra hard to show jon how its done

stonks: sash hasnt been online since i fucked up and messaged in the wrong chat so im assuming shes dead

stonks: marto howre you doing?  

stonks: as much as i love sappy drunk marto u were lookin a bit rough when we left

marto kart: Not too bad actually! Took my own advice with the water so that helped a bit i think

marto kart: As did the 2am tactical vom when i got home but i wont go into that

actually a part of this now: wise move

stonks: omg sash ur alive

actually a part of this now: i muted notifs after you did Not stop sending messages at 6am

actually a part of this now: i need my sleep

actually a part of this now: but i’ve been up for a while now, i went for a run and i’m feeling pretty fresh

stonks: ur not human

actually a part of this now: it’s called taking care of yourself, tim, you should try it

stonks: never

marto kart: Okay real q though

marto kart: How bad did i get??? Ive been faintly worried all morning but i actually havent had the sinking sensation that i absolutely boffed it??? Which is nice

marto kart: Ill admit i dont seem to remember much past about 11 but if the worst thing i did was get publicly sappy on the other chat then im happy with that

stonks: yea that was actually pretty cute

marto kart: :)))

actually a part of this now: i have a decent picture of the whole night but i too am a tad hazy on the details

actually a part of this now: but as far as i remember you were fine, martin! you were v public in saying how much you loved everyone but it was very sweet and not directed at jon specifically

marto kart: Oh good okay!! God i dont want him to think im an idiot or that i have a hopeless crush on him or anything

stonks: i think hes the most oblivious person in the history of ever so ur safe on that front

actually a part of this now: plus he seemed surprised but not at all displeased by your goodbye hug

stonks: like i said you give the best hugs of course he liked it

actually a part of this now: in fact as well as us learning a Lot about him i think he had a pretty good time overall

marto kart: Aww :))

stonks: oh yea on that note

stonks: actually i think he fell asleep on ur shoulder in the uber? it was after we dropped u off sash

marto kart: !!!!!!!!?????????

marto kart: Tim if youre saying that to prank me im never making tea for you again

stonks: again i dont know what u see in him

stonks: but in addition to it being so fuckin funny that our bastard grump boss had a drunk nap on u of all ppl, this is too important to u for me to joke about

marto kart: Oh my god oh my god oh my god

marto kart: Jon fell asleep on my shoulder and i have absolutely 0 memory of it 

marto kart: This is an actual tragedy :((((

actually a part of this now: wait if you want actual evidence from last night

actually a part of this now: i found this in my camera roll

actually a part of this now: i have only the barest fuzzy memory of taking it

actually a part of this now: but you’re welcome

[Video ID: three men, clearly Tim, Jon and Martin, are doing a dance that is clearly the macarena, albeit a sloppy version, to a song that is clearly not the macarena. Tim has his shirt unbuttoned to halfway, and is swaying his hips outrageously. Jon has rolled up his shirtsleeves and has a look of intense concentration on his face as he goes through the dance steps. Martin gets a few steps in, but stops, wheezing with laughter, after Jon leans over and says something that the camera failed to pick up. The camerawork is very shaky, and the sound of Sasha’s giggles can be heard even over the music. Video ends.]

marto kart: Oh my god youre right i do kinda remember that

marto kart: Aw it looks like he was having fun :)))

stonks: who knew it only takes 2 shots to get bossman to show a personality that isnt Strict And Dusty

stonks: sorry for cracking out the devil juice again marto but i stand by the fact that tequila shots are the fastest way to get to know someones true soul

stonks: and actually thats a timely reminder for me to change the chat name

actually a part of this now: thank god

actually a part of this now: it’s time we didn’t have a chat name with a deliberate typo to make it spell out arse??

actually a part of this now: fucking finally

Timothy Stoker renamed the group "sasha james lost the bet and now owes me (tim stoker) £10"

Timothy Stoker changed Sasha James ’s nickname to bet loser

bet loser: never mind i spoke too soon

Sasha James changed her nickname to sash

stonks: buzzkill

stonks: but pay up babeee

stonks: hes such a lightweight omg

stonks: worse than i imagined

sash: i’ll pay you, but i’m not interacting with you any more on this topic bc now that we all have functioning brains, it’s time to discuss the Facts We Learnt From Last Night

stonks: okay yea we do Need to go over this so ill allow the subject change

sash: fact 1. jon is surprisingly good at karaoke

sash: on a related note, fact 2. jon used to be in a band (??!?!!)

stonks: sash ur the tech whiz, are u able to track down anything on that? i need video proof bc of reasons

sash: he didn’t give us a lot to go on but don’t worry i’m on it babe

stonks: 3. jonathan sims head archivist of the magnus institute will nearly start crying if u talk about cats after hes had (1) tequila shot

marto kart: I knowww that was so sweet

marto kart: When he started talking about his friends cat and was so earnest i thought i was going to start crying too

sash: aw martin <3

sash: this is unrelated, but while i’m thinking of it, 4. he gets his nandos hot

stonks: thank god

stonks: if he was a churrasco bbq man i wouldve had to force u to get over him immediately marto

stonks: or god forbid

stonks: ""plain-ish""

stonks: u cant trust anyone like that

marto cart: You only got lemon and herb, tim

stonks: yea but lemon and herb is still like 3rd on the scale

stonks: im not proud of myself but at least its still legit nandos

stonks: anything under that is a travesty

marto kart: Well luckily it doesnt have to come to that!

marto kart: Which im very glad about because 5. Jon with rolled up sleeves was a look

sash: omg yeah he lost a few professional points there but from the look on your face when he did it i think it was absolutely worth it

stonks: nothing compared to this morn tho 

stonks: 6. all jons professionalism goes out the window when hes hungover oh my gOD

stonks: that was the tensest 90min of my Life holy shit

stonks: but the payoff was incredible

sash: yeah can we talk about how he managed to spell "seconded" correctly and with punctuation but didn’t get "don’t" right once

stonks: a legend

stonks: jesus i wish we saw more of this side of him at work i think i might actually get on with him if he keeps this up

marto kart: I hope so!! Itd be nice if he thought of us as friends rather than just people to shout at

sash: and on that cheerful note

sash: seeing as my sat was a writeoff i’m going to have a very busy sunday so i’d best get started on things

sash: i’ll see you all at work on mon?

marto kart: Yes see you both then!!! Thanks again for last night it was super fun :)))

stonks: any time ayeee

stonks: lets see if we can make group drinks w the bossman a regular thing

marto kart: Yes!!! :)))

sash: yeah sure :)

stonks: altho i cant believe im saying this but we may have to ease off the gas a bit im not sure i can handle this every week

marto kart: Who are you and whatve you done with tim????

stonks: marto i love u but shut up

stonks: yea id better go too see yall on monday

marto kart: See you then! :)))

---

Sunday, 11:56 A.M.

Georgie Barker to Jonathan Sims

Georgie Barker: okay i’ve given you a day to recover 

Jonathan Sims: Georgie I do not appreciate that tone of message

Georgie Barker: so you’re telling me you didn’t have a thumping hangover all of yesterday?

Jonathan Sims: ...I will neither confirm nor deny that statement.

Georgie Barker: aha

Georgie Barker: i know you too well jon

Georgie Barker: so??? how did it go????

Jonathan Sims: it was. Fine

Jonathan Sims: I had tequila shots

Georgie Barker: ahahahahaha omg i need all the details

Jonathan Sims: I had a blissful few minutes on Saturday morning where I didn’t remember any of the terrible things that happened 

Jonathan Sims: and then it all came back over the course of the day. all of it. with blinding clarity.

Jonathan Sims: I got hideously drunk. we talked a lot, I learnt some things about their personal lives and they unfortunately learnt some things about my personal life. we did the macarena. badly. I think I showed more emotion in front of them on Friday night than the entire time I’ve been the Head Archivist.

Jonathan Sims: Tim asked me about cats and I talked about the Admiral for a solid twenty minutes

Jonathan Sims: I thoroughly embarrassed myself with a hungover message in the group chat on Saturday morning

Jonathan Sims: and christ I might have fallen asleep on Martin in the uber home

Jonathan Sims: he hugged me when we all left the bar. I may have squeaked in surprise but I don’t think any of them heard me. and it’s only through sheer luck that I didn’t say any of the awful things I was thinking about how warm and soft that hug was

Jonathan Sims: I’m never going to be able to face him again Georgie it was so unprofessional

Jonathan Sims: I can’t fall asleep on one of my assistants! even if they are very comfortable and have good shoulders

Georgie Barker: :eyes emoji:

Jonathan Sims: Georgie do Not I beg of you

Georgie Barker: we’re definitely having this conversation but i think it’ll have to wait until you can ease up on yourself a little

Georgie Barker: so that aside, if i take the typical jon melodrama out, it sounds like you bonded with them, and actually enjoyed yourself?

Jonathan Sims: I wouldn’t say

Jonathan Sims: well.

Jonathan Sims: okay.

Jonathan Sims: begrudgingly I am forced to admit that

Jonathan Sims: yes. I had a nice night

Georgie Barker: :D

Georgie Barker: the admiral and i are proud of you

Jonathan Sims: the Admiral’s approval is the only thing I crave

Jonathan Sims: thank you. for making me go.

Georgie Barker: jon sometimes you have to remember that it’s alright to have fun, and it’s a good thing to have a friendly relationship with the people who share your office

Jonathan Sims: but now I still have to salvage the professional relationship

Georgie Barker: chrissakes jon sometimes i think you don’t understand a word i say

Jonathan Sims: Georgie, drinks are one thing, but I have to sort this out at work

Jonathan Sims: what do I do??

Georgie Barker: you leave it is what you do

Georgie Barker: please jon for everyone’s sake

Jonathan Sims: no I have to do something

Georgie Barker: sigh

Georgie Barker: if you insist, but i’m not helping you ill-advisedly screw things up with your coworkers

Georgie Barker: it’ll be better if you leave it! i promise you!

Jonathan Sims: no, I’ll think of something.

---

1:09 P.M.

Jonathan Sims: actually don’t worry I know what I’m going to do.

---

Monday, 9:05 A.M.

"archives gang"

mr bossman: Can the three of you see me in my office now, please.

---

"sasha james lost the bet and now owes me (tim stoker) £10"

sash: fuck

marto kart: Fuck

stonks: fuck

Chapter Text

Monday, 9:41 A.M.

“sasha james lost the bet and now owes me (tim stoker) £10”

stonks: well that wins the prize for the most awkward meeting ive ever had to endure

stonks: i rlly thought we were gonna get a bollocking but nope that was somehow more painful

marto kart: Poor jon

marto kart: He must have felt so bad about friday but he really doesnt need to!!!

sash: “i must apologise for my behaviour on friday night. it was most unprofessional of me to even accept that invitation. even though i did enjoy the time i spent with you, it is untenable and our interactions really cannot continue in this manner” oh jon

sash: like yes we did invite you partly bc we wanted to see what you’re like drunk but mostly we invited you bc we genuinely did want to hang out and have fun

marto kart: He was twisting himself into knots the poor guy i feel terrible :((( 

stonks: and when he tried to pull himself together and give a formal reprimand at the end tho

sash: he was clearly just doing it to save his dignity and i wanted to laugh but it would have broken his heart

sash: “i’m very disappointed in the three of you for organising such an event. this could have had very severe consequences for yourselves and the institute, and if i become aware of such activities in future i will take steps to prevent them. this includes informing a higher power if i deem it necessary”

sash: i’d have been worried if he didn’t say beforehand that he had fun

sash: or if his tone of voice wasn’t like reading-it-off-notecards flat

marto kart: God he looked so sad when he was saying that :(((

marto kart: We really need to take him out more!! Or give him some kind of actual friendship

marto kart: Actually im going to try and

marto kart: Fuck it

marto kart: I know how hes probably feeling and it really sucks so this might help him?

---

“archives gang”

the soft one: Jon?

the soft one: I know you just chewed us out over friday night but i just wanted to say that i had a really nice time

the soft one: It was great getting to know you and i think itd be nice if we did more of that?

the soft one: As a group i mean!!!

the soft one: And it wont affect how the group works i promise!! Youre still our boss even if you talk to us or have a few drinks sometimes, well still respect you as the boss just as much but we can actually help support you better :))

the competent one: I completely agree with Martin! It’s nice having a boss we can be ourselves around, and it’ll make the work a lot easier

the fun one: yea ur surprisingly cool

the fun one: and by that i mean ur not 3 books in a trenchcoat

the fun one: or a sweater vest lol

the fun one: its okay if u want to loosen up around us a lil

the soft one: So um

the soft one: Would that be okay with you? 

---

Jonathan Sims to Georgie Barker

Jonathan Sims sent a screenshot

Jonathan Sims: what do I do???

Georgie Barker: say yes, idiot!!

Georgie Barker: the world. will not end. if you let 3 more people into your life.

Georgie Barker: and please please ask them if they have photos from friday please otherwise i’m not reinstating your admiral privileges

Jonathan Sims: ...alright

---

“archives gang”

mr bossman: Um.

mr bossman: I’m not very good at

mr bossman: But yes. now I can make the decision completely sober

mr bossman: that would be okay with me.

the soft one: :))))

the fun one: wahey bossman!

mr bossman: and I do have quite a strange request

mr bossman: but a friend of mine has threatened to withhold her cat from me unless I ask you

mr bossman: oh, I’m going to regret this

mr bossman: but do any of you happen to have any photos from Friday night?

the competent one: omg yes 

the competent one: its not a photo but hang on a second

Sasha James forwarded a video

mr bossman: thank you, Sasha

the competent one: any time :)

the fun one: is the cat worth your friend seeing that? ;)

mr bossman: the Admiral is worth any pain on this mortal Earth and more.

---

10:39 A.M.

the fun one: yall heads up im going to the library and just saw elias heading this way w a piece of paper and a look of mm how you say 

the fun one: punch me in the face smugness

the fun one: fiver says hes coming with an hr complaint

the fun one: judging by the current rate of cocky shitbag saunter id say uv got about 3min of blissful eliaslessness until he hits u like a hurricane of piss

the fun one: god hes such a cock

mr bossman: christ. Elias. that’s just the shitty icing on the terrible cake of today.

mr bossman: and it will be an HR complaint, probably about me, because most people who come in to give live statements take umbrage at the way I run this archive

mr bossman: in that I do not have patience with people who come in giving statements that are obviously false

the competent one: gonna butt in here and say that tim, that’s in direct contravention of rule 1

the competent one: go pay your penalty

the fun one: fine

the fun one: ill pay when i get back

the competent one: jon this is your first time so i’ll let you off with a warning

mr bossman: about what? what’s rule 1?

the soft one: No el*as in the group chat

the competent one: no el*as in the group chat

the fun one: no el*as in the group chat

mr bossman: ah.

the soft one: Rule 1 was instituted out of practicality bc if we just used a normal chat to complain about him wed never get anything else done

the soft one: Plus also this chat is good vibes only!! And el*as is the opposite of good vibes

the soft one: Penalty is a £ in the udfu jar

mr bossman: I’m sorry, the What jar?

the competent one: if you break rule 1 you have to put a pound in the jar in the breakroom (next to the instant coffee) with “udfu” on it courtesy of tim and the sharpie i should never have trusted him with

the fun one: stands for “u done fucked up”

mr bossman: naturally.

the competent one: all funds raised go into the pool for drinks at the end of the month

the competent one: we do have a dedicated vent chat bc el*as is still a dick even if it’s illegal to talk about him here

the competent one: hang on, i’ll add you

---

Sasha James added Jonathan Sims to “elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker”

Jonathan Sims: these are. incredible

Jonathan Sims: I hope you realise I have to meet with him once a week, and he is literally coming down here as I type

Jonathan Sims: I will not be able to avoid calling him one of these 

elias hater #3: oh my god if u do pls promise me ull record it

elias hater #3: i mean video is preferred but uve got like a million tape recorders in your office

elias hater #2: seconded

elias hater #1: Thirded

elias hater #2: oh wait jon i should change your nickname!

elias hater #2: we did ours alphabetically but you’d mess it up so i guess it’ll have to be chronological

Sasha James changed Jonathan Sims ’s nickname to elias hater #4

elias hater #4: no this won’t do. I deal with him more closely than any of you and therefore hate him more deeply

Jonathan Sims changed his nickname to elias hater #0

elias hater #0: it’s like the Zeroth Law of Thermodynamics

elias hater #0: discovered after the first three, but too important a concept to put in last place

elias hater #3: whatever u say boss

elias hater #1: Guys im in the breakroom and i just heard the door

elias hater #2: shit

elias hater #2: close the chat abort mission we’re all doing normal archives work okay

---

10:47 A.M.

elias hater #0: christ Tim you’re right it is “punch me in the face” smugness

elias hater #0: the only way I can get through most of these meetings is by imagining ramming one of his obsessively polished pointy brogues up his arse

elias hater #0: maybe it will connect with the stick he’s already got up there

elias hater #0: is it too much to wonder if it’ll drive said stick into his brain? killing him instantly? jesus I can but hope

elias hater #0: but now I want to punch him in the face as well

elias hater #0: actually, I’ve never seen him look surprised. that would surprise him, though, getting punched in the face. I think I’d rather like to see him look surprised.

elias hater #0: which therefore means I’d like to punch him in the face

elias hater #0: christ he just keeps talking

elias hater #0: I don’t care about Joe McSpooky and his inane statement about how ghosts ate his shoes, and you can’t make me, Elias, no matter how many official complaints you wave in my face

elias hater #0: and if Joe McSpooky has been having strange dreams ever since he came here, I really don’t see how that is any of my concern

elias hater #0: you know what, Elias? you should take that HR complaint and let it join its friends, the stick and your ridiculous brogues

elias hater #0: I hope he gets papercuts along the entire length of his rectum

---

“sasha james lost the bet and now owes me (tim stoker) £10”

sash: oh my god oh my god oh my god

sash: timbaland stoker i don’t care what you’re doing get your arse back here right this instant

sash: and i’m calling a moratorium on rule 1 for a hot minute bc this is too important

stonks: ooh tell me more

sash: you know how the vent chat is blowing the fuck up right now?

stonks: yea?

sash: el*as is still in there

stonks: what.

sash: yeah.

sash: jon is going absolutely feral on the vent chat. while el*as is in his office talking to him.

stonks: nooooooo

stonks: thats iconic

sash: i'm trying to hear more but they're talking too quietly for me to hear through the door ugh 

sash: that means they’re not shouting, but i’m not sure if that’s a good or bad sign

marto kart: Dont worry guys im on it!!!

marto kart: Im gonna go in with tea and have a proper snoop around

sash: you’re a hero martin!

stonks: main man marto doin the lords work

marto kart: No tea for el*as obviously

stonks: good

sash: good.

marto kart: Teas brewed!! Alright guys wish me luck!!

stonks: good luck marto! give us the good goss aye

sash: good luck :)

---

10:55 A.M.

marto kart: Okay im back

stonks: about fuckin time ive been desperate

stonks: spill spill spill

marto kart: Tim youre right it is an hr thing, if jons venting didnt give that away already

marto kart: El*as has his back to the door and is standing kinda looking down at jon in that way he does

marto kart: Jons at his computer typing away professional as anything

marto kart: Hes got his phone facedown on his desk so the notifs dont come through

marto kart: Im honestly so impressed at how calm his face is

marto kart: You wouldnt be able to tell that anything was going on its amazing

marto kart: One gem i was able to pick up

marto kart: El*as: jon why are you still typing? This is an official complaint from human resources and it deserves your full attention

marto kart: Jon: im sorry but as youre aware i have a lot of work to do as head archivist, work which you have asserted in no uncertain terms should be my top priority. Im merely trying to do my job, if you are going to persist in interfering with that then i will be forced to take it up with human resources myself

marto kart: I had to practically drop the tea and run before i started laughing then and there

stonks: i like him more and more with every passing hour omg

sash: he’s so petty! who would have guessed!

marto kart: Hang on i hear the familiar siren call of "maahtin" ill be right back!!

---

11:00 A.M.

marto kart: Excuse me but what the actual fuck jon????

marto kart: He called me into his office while el*as was mid rant, and very sternly asked me why i hadnt made el*as tea???

marto kart: Jon youve been going insane on the vent chat what the fuck

marto kart: Ofc he completely put me on the spot so i just stood there with my mouth open like an idiot :(((( 

marto kart: Then he just sighed and told me to make a cup for him

sash: what the actual fuck?!

sash: if he’s been playing us the whole time i’m going to kick his skinny sleep-deprived arse into the middle of next week, boss or not

marto kart: So i guess im making el*as tea now which seems like a kick in the guts to everything we stand for 

marto kart: Im sorry guys :(((

marto kart: Wait theres another message in the vent chat? 

---

"elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker"

elias hater #0: spit in his tea Martin

---

"sasha james lost the bet and now owes me (tim stoker) £10"

marto kart: Oh my god 

sash: O_O

stonks: no way 

stonks: no fucking way

---

“elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker”

elias hater #3: waitwait wait

elias hater #3: martod ont

elias hater #3: im sprintin dwn from th librar ynow god fukc let me doit pLS ill be 1min

elias hater #0: even better. all three of you should spit in his tea.

elias hater #2: jesus christ jon you’ve gone off the rails

elias hater #2: i mean, i’m not against the idea, per se

elias hater #2: but jesus this isn’t like you

elias hater #0: oh but it is, Sasha, it is

elias hater #0: I’ve been dreaming of doing something like this since I met the man, he’s always grated on my nerves

elias hater #0: and now, he has all his attention on me. he’ll never suspect a thing.

elias hater #3: okay im here im here

elias hater #1: Kettles just boiled, are we actually going to do this?

elias hater #3: are you fucking kidding? ofc we are

elias hater #2: ......alright. im in.

elias hater #1: ........ Me too i guess

---

11:04 A.M.

elias hater #1: I cant believe we just did that....... but its done

elias hater #1: Tea incoming in approx 10 seconds

elias hater #0: you’re all Employee of the Month

elias hater #3: ive never been prouder to work here

Chapter Text

Monday, 3:02 P.M.

“archives gang”

the soft one: Tea, anyone?

the soft one: Without additional “flavouring” i should say

the fun one: yes pls marto!

the competent one: yes ta :)

the fun one: oh talking of that delightful beverage

the fun one: does anyone know if el*as drank the spitty tea?????

the fun one: the bossman has been doin statements since el*as left so theres been no conclusive proof

the soft one: Sorry i didnt catch it :((

the soft one: I went in, put the tea on the desk then left

the soft one: Thought it wouldve looked sus if i hung around

the competent one: yeah that was probably the wisest move

mr bossman: am I too late to put my order in for tea? I’ve just finished a statement and could really do with a cup if you’re brewing, Martin

the soft one: Not too late at all!! Im just about to fill the kettle

mr bossman: thank you

the soft one: No worries :)))

mr bossman: re El*as...

the fun one: yeeeeesssss...? tell us everything

mr bossman: I think he may have suspected that something wasn’t quite right, but he didn’t know what. he took a hesitant sip but put it back down again

mr bossman: I suppose I should thank you, Tim

mr bossman: I took a leaf from your book, reminded El*as that Martin makes very good tea, and that he’d be very disappointed if the tea he made for the boss went to waste

mr bossman: so he did that pursed-lips thing he does, shrugged, and drank the whole thing

the fun one: ayeeeeee result! boss ur my hero

the competent one: ohh my god that’s the best thing i’ve heard all day

the soft one: Oh my god!!!

mr bossman: so thank you all for your... contributions

mr bossman: particularly Martin, I don’t think we could have pulled it off without you

mr bossman: but I expect that after that excitement, you’ve been keeping up with your official work?

the soft one: Of course!!

the competent one: yeah i’m trying to chase that statement you asked about

the fun one: aye aye boss

mr bossman: good, good. I’ll let you get back to it, then.

---

"sasha james lost the bet so now she owes me (tim stoker) £10"

sash: “particularly Martin” hmm? 

sash: “I don’t think we could have pulled it off without you” hmmmmmm?

stonks: get in marto!!!

marto kart: You guys!! It doesnt mean anything, he was just being nice!!

stonks: since when has the bossman ever been nice?

marto kart: ...

sash: i reckon you might be in with a chance now he’s thawing around us a bit :)

marto kart: Oh look the kettle’s boiling i have to go!!! 

---

3:41 P.M

sash: oh tim since i fuckin paid you at lunch can you Please change the goddamn chat name

stonks: well since you asked so nicely sasha dearest

Timothy Stoker renamed the group "archival ASSistants"

sash: words do not describe how much i hate you

stonks: well i have to make sure we all know which is the just us chat and which is the one with the boss in, its just to avoid things like my hungover mishap

stonks: plus i mean am i wrong?

stonks: as a group were all not bad in the arse department

stonks: if i were to rank them tho itd be marto > me > you sorry babe

stonks: its lucky jon isnt an assistant and so doesnt get included

stonks: he somehow has negative arse?? hed drag the whole team down

marto kart: I dont know, its got its own charm

stonks: marto ur biased af tho so im gonna have to take that with a pinch of salt

marto kart: If my wildest dreams ever came true our arses would balance out

stonks: thats tru aye

stonks: but as it stands im sorry but he just doesnt cut it

sash: i fucking hate this i’m trying to actually get some work done

sash: i’ve spent all afternoon following up a statement and everyone involved seems to be avoiding my calls it’s a fucking nightmare

sash: and even though jon is genuinely pretty cool now he’s still asked me to get the followup to him by the end of the day 

sash: martin you have done nothing wrong and tim i love you but i cannot deal with this rn

Sasha James has left the group

Timothy Stoker has added Sasha James to the group

stonks: ur not getting away that easily

stonks: u spat in the tea with us

stonks: thats an unbreakable bond babe

sash: watch me

Sasha James has left the group

Timothy Stoker has added Sasha James to the group

sash: i’m locking your admin privileges

stonks: ur just jealous that u have the worst arse of the three of us

stonks: and uh exsqueeze me maam arbiter of rules i think rule 3 states that any change to admin privileges has to be decided by majority vote

sash: martin will be on my side, won’t you martin?

marto kart: Sorry sasha!!

marto kart: But tim said ive got the best arse in the group so :///

sash: martin!

stonks: ayeeee my man marto

marto kart: :)))

sash: i revoke my earlier statement

sash: martin you’re just as bad as tim is

stonks: hrrgnh archivist im trying to follow up these statements but im dummy thicc and the clap from my ass cheeks keeps alerting elias

sash: you’re all fucking terrible

sash: also tim

sash: if you’re so insistent on the rules

sash: that’s rule 1 right there

sash: £ in the jar please and thank

stonks: booo im not talking to u anymore

sash: good.

---

4:57 P.M.

sash: oh thank christ it’s done

sash: folder on jon’s desk with 3 minutes to spare

marto kart: Nice one sasha!!!

stonks: ayeeeee good job sash

sash: i’d like to thank the academy

sash: i’d like to give no thanks at all to my terrible awful coworkers

stonks: ahh babe you love us

sash: yeah unfortunately i do

sash: :)

sash: spitty tea squad 2kforever

marto kart: Hell yeah!!

stonks: hell yeah!!

sash: well after that hell afternoon i’m clocking tf out

sash: today was intense in so many different ways omg

sash: see you guys tomorrow!

marto kart: See you :))

stonks: ciao fam xx

---

7:13 P.M.

Jonathan Sims to Georgie Barker

Jonathan Sims: you were right

Georgie Barker: ofc i was

Georgie Barker: also oh my god are you only just leaving work now? my guy you need to learn to chill

Jonathan Sims: ...no comment.

Georgie Barker: you’re terrible

Georgie Barker: anyway, remind me why i’m right, specifically?

Jonathan Sims: I believe I have ““bonded”” with my coworkers

Jonathan Sims: they... didn’t hate me? they didn’t lose all respect for me? actually Sasha got me a very comprehensively-researched follow-up to a statement this afternoon, it was more detailed than I was expecting

Jonathan Sims: they are actually quite nice to be around

Jonathan Sims: ...and in fact today may have been the most fun I’ve had at work for years, even if it got off to an incredibly awkward start

Georgie Barker: well that’s ominous, but go on.......

Jonathan Sims: remember Elias? my terrible boss?

Georgie Barker: how could i forget

Georgie Barker: you only bring him up every time you have a meeting with him

Jonathan Sims: well.

Jonathan Sims sent a screenshot

Jonathan Sims sent a screenshot

Jonathan Sims sent a screenshot

Georgie Barker: jon!!!!!!

Georgie Barker: holy shit mr sims sir that is Not what i meant when i said you should have a friendly relationship with them

Georgie Barker: but this is so much better than i could have expected

Georgie Barker: ohohohoho holy shit that is incredible 

Georgie Barker: archives dream team: 1, bitch boss: 0

Georgie Barker: so proud oh my baby is growing up and learning to let his guard down :)

Jonathan Sims: thanks, I think? 

Georgie Barker: oh did you ask them about photos?

Jonathan Sims: no photos, but I did get a video

Georgie Barker: yesssss

Georgie Barker: come over, you can show me the vid and say hi to the admiral in person :)

Georgie Barker: and i’ll open a bottle of wine, you’ve had a day that calls for a celebration :D

Jonathan Sims: tell the Admiral I’m on my way

Georgie Barker: will do!

---

7:29 P.M.

“archives gang”

mr bossman: I’m sure you’ll all be delighted to know that Georgie has now reinstated my cat privileges after I showed her your video, Sasha

Jonathan Sims sent a video

[Video ID: a large, fluffy ginger cat is twining around Jon’s legs, meowing happily. Video ends.]

the competent one: oh my god!!!! i’m glad it led to you two reuniting

the soft one: Jon thats adorable!!!

the fun one: yea ngl thats real cute boss

mr bossman: hm.

mr bossman: Georgie Did laugh at me about that video, but the Admiral is very worth it.

the soft one: Can we meet him someday? And/or Georgie? She seems cool, from what you’ve said about her :))

mr bossman: the Admiral is a housecat, he stays inside the flat

mr bossman: ...but even though you’ll all gang up on me, I’ll ask Georgie. I think you’ll all get on

the competent one: ask if she’s free to come for drinks on friday! just a beer or two though, last fri was the exception to the rule, i promise

mr bossman: alright

---

7:33 P.M.

mr bossman: she’s available at 5 on Friday, she says she’ll meet us at the pub from last time

the soft one: Awesome :))

---

“archival ASSistants”

marto kart: This should be fun!!

sash: yeah :)

stonks: the more the merrier at drinks ayeee

stonks: plus hopefully we can get some more dirt on jon >;)

---

Tuesday, 8:52 A.M.

sash: okay guys so you know i listen to what the ghost

stonks: i thought u stopped after shit started getting freaky here?

sash: nah it’s still a good podcast, and it’s pretty lighthearted compared to what we’ve been going through, they make it fun

sash: plus i’m always keen to keep up with cool female-run podcasts :)

sash: anyway i follow the host on twitter and insta, georgie barker

sash: and she posted this this morning

Sasha James sent a screenshot

[Image ID: a large, fluffy ginger cat is curled up asleep on a dark green knitted background that appears to be somebody's lap. The caption reads: "my mate had simultaneously the worst and the best day at work yesterday so i invited him round for a drink but he fell asleep w my cat 10 minutes after walking in the door :)”]

marto kart: Aw thats cute!

marto kart: Actually hang on a mo

marto kart: Thats not...? Is it????

marto kart: That looks a Lot like jons friends cat 

stonks: and closer analysis suggests that its curled up on a worryingly familiar sweater vest oh god

sash: yeah

sash: i think i’m having to come to terms with the fact that jon’s friend georgie and georgie barker are one and the same

sash: and we’re going out with her on friday omg

sash: i need time to process this

---

11:20 A.M.

sash: k in aid of ignoring the fact that i’m gonna meet georgie barker on friday, i've been doing some digging about jon’s mystery band

sash: and it appears that there are a few grainy recordings of a college band called the mechanisms on youtube and the lead singer looks rather familiar 

sash: minus 10 years of sleep dep and plus some very funky eyeliner

sash: check it out

sash: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56hqrlQxMMI

marto kart: Sasha, was that the video you meant to send?

sash: yeah? i found it last night and saved it

marto kart: Bc it looks like an audio clip of something from the 80s

stonks: yea im getting that too

sash: huh let me check

sash: no that's definitely not it

sash: but that's the url i saved? i'm so confused

sash: never mind, i'll search it again

sash: what the fuck? it’s still coming up as the same thing

stonks: im checking other videos and its the same???

stonks: i cant even rickroll what the fuck

sash: that’s an ancient meme babe you’re a disgrace

stonks: excuse you, i am the meme lord

marto kart: Im ignoring that for the sake of your dignity tim

marto kart: But yeah it looks like youtube is broken somehow?

marto kart: Im checking other videos too and theyre all playing this song no matter what the url is

sash: maybe it’s a glitch in youtube, yeah

stonks: or our connection?

sash: idk, i’ve never heard of anything like this happening before

stonks: no rickrolls. this is a travesty

---

“archives gang”

Timothy Stoker renamed the group “youtube is fucked”

the fun one: just a heads up for yall

mr bossman: Tim. why are you on Youtube during work hours?

the fun one: its research boss

mr bossman: hm. Sasha? Martin?

the competent one: yeah it’s research

the soft one: Yep. Research.

mr bossman: I don’t trust any of you, but I feel like I really don’t want to know what the real reason is

the competent one: probably the safest option

mr bossman: but what do you mean, “Youtube is fucked”?

the soft one: All videos are redirecting to this one song? Try it, see if the same thing is happening for you

the soft one: Its not a rickroll i promise

the soft one: Its some other song from the 80s??? By the alan parsons project

mr bossman: alright. but I’m doing this with caution.

---

11:38 A.M.

mr bossman: yes, it’s happening to me, too

mr bossman: that’s. vaguely unsettling. the song, I mean, and I don’t know why.

mr bossman: if it hasn’t cleared itself up by the end of the day, I’ll call IT and see if it’s a problem on our end or with the Youtube network.

the competent one: cheers jon!

---

4:55 P.M.

Timothy Stoker renamed the group "youtube is still fucked"

the fun one: boss are you gonna chase it with it before they all go home?

mr bossman: I’m calling them now.

---

4:57 P.M.

mr bossman: no of course I’ve tried refreshing the page you idiots

mr bossman: they do try my patience sometimes

mr bossman: ...

mr bossman: it’s. back to normal?

mr bossman: of course this happens when IT is on the phone, making me look like a complete knob

mr bossman: can you three try it?

the competent one: fine here

the fun one: yea same, im good

the soft one: Me too

mr bossman: hm.

mr bossman: yes goodbye to you too, IT helpdesk, and you can take that smug tone of voice and shove it alongside El*as’s HR reports.

the fun one: lol boss i love that

the competent one: seriously though, what happened with youtube?

mr bossman: I suppose it was a freak thing? I can’t say I know too much about it

the competent one: ...i suppose? i’ll look into it, i’ve got a couple of contacts that might know something?

the competent one: idk it was just... too weird. bad vibes.

the soft one: Agreed?? Bad vibes, for some undefinable reason ://

the fun one: bad vibes 100%

mr bossman: yes, I felt it too. the same as when I read the

mr bossman: no, that’s not important. but if you could look into it, Sasha, I’d appreciate that.

mr bossman: but I won’t keep you, I’ll see you all tomorrow

the fun one: yea im out

the fun one: catch ya

the competent one: bye all :)

the soft one: See you tomorrow!!

Chapter Text

Friday, 2:49 P.M.

“archival ASSistants”

stonks: woooo how we feelin about after work sash

sash: doing okay actually!

sash: i’ve had to stop myself from bingeing wtg just for my own sanity lol

sash: the less i think about ~Georgie Barker~ as a concept and the more i think about alcohol and getting good dirt on jon the better i feel about it all

marto kart: :)))

sash: but christ there’s still another two hours of filing and statement followup and all that shit to go

sash: you ever just want to torch the whole place sometimes? to avoid the filing?

marto kart: Um do i ever

marto kart: Like i dont mind the job actually

marto kart: But sometimes the archive has this really creepy vibe and my inner arsonist is just like “hi”

stonks: marto how have i worked with u for this long and never known about ur inner arsonist

stonks: we need to see this side of u in action

stonks: i have a (secret sneaky) lighter (that u absolutely must Not snitch to the boss about)

stonks: the archives are right there and they shit me off as well

stonks: lets go

sash: lads much as i would like to burn the place, rent in london is hella expensive and here pays weirdly well

marto kart: Damn yeah that is true

marto kart: Ooh should we do guy fawkes at mine then?? When it comes up

stonks: my dude u are so on

marto kart: :DDD

sash: sounds mint martin!

sash: but rn i have a hot date with some questionably legal cargo manifests

marto kart: Oh yeah i need to head to artefact storage to look up a table or something?

marto kart: Wish me luck!!

stonks: wait marto im coming with i need a break

stonks: sash babe if were not back by 4.30 the cursed table has eaten us

sash: i’ll weep salty tears into my beer for you

stonks: thank u, its what we deserve

---

4:44 P.M.

Jonathan Sims to Georgie Barker

Jonathan Sims: Georgie, I’m really sorry, but it looks like I’m going to be a few minutes late

Jonathan Sims: I’ll send the others down and join you as soon as I can

Georgie Barker: yeah okay, i’m looking forward to meeting them :)

Georgie Barker: wait

Georgie Barker: jon there’s a slight flaw in that plan

---

4:45 P.M.

“archives gang”

mr bossman: I’m sorry, everyone, but Elias has sent me a last minute email that I need to deal with before the end of the day

mr bossman: it looks like I’ll be a bit late for drinks, especially if you’re all leaving a bit early to get there for 5

mr bossman: I’ve let Georgie know as well

the fun one: boss youre kidding right?

the fun one: tell him to fuck off

the fun one: ditch the work and come have drinks

mr bossman: oh, “fuck off” is right

mr bossman: you have no idea how much I wish I could say that to him

mr bossman: but I really do need to get this done.

the competent one: that’s fine, jon

the competent one: but that’s still rule 1 :)

mr bossman: ugh fine.

mr bossman: I’ll pay on my way out

the fun one: yea also boss

the fun one: arent you the one who knows georgie? shouldnt you....... idk, be around to introduce us?

mr bossman: ah

mr bossman: yes, um

the competent one: well

the competent one: i’d recognise georgie if i saw her, i know a bit about what the ghost

mr bossman: well. there we have it!

mr bossman: and Georgie is very friendly, she said she’s been looking forward to meeting you all, so I’m sure you’ll have no problem socialising until I get there

the fun one: itll probs be easier without u actually

the fun one: jk boss well miss u even if ur only 10min late or w/e

mr bossman: thanks Tim. now I really do need to get on with this, so if you could stay off this chat, I’d appreciate it.

the fun one: aye aye boss 

---

4:59 P.M.

Jonathan Sims to Martin Blackwood

Jonathan Sims: Martin, can I ask a favour?

Martin Blackwood: Oh sure, whats up jon??

Jonathan Sims: seeing as I’ll be running late, can you let me know how it all goes at the pub?

Jonathan Sims: if it’s going well, or if I need to step in at all

Jonathan Sims: Sasha told me that she’s a fan of What the Ghost, so she’s going to be busy chatting to Georgie

Jonathan Sims: Tim is out for obvious reasons

Jonathan Sims: you’re the only one I trust, Martin

Jonathan Sims: keep me updated?

Martin Blackwood: Will do!!

Jonathan Sims: thanks

Martin Blackwood: :)))

Martin Blackwood: Sash is looking around and shes 

Martin Blackwood: Okay yep shes waving to someone so thats like 

Martin Blackwood: Step one, georgie located

Martin Blackwood: K im gonna put my phone away for a while so im not being super rude!

---

5:04 P.M.

Jonathan Sims: is it all going okay?

Martin Blackwood: Yeah its great!!! Georgie is so lovely :)))

Martin Blackwood: She and sasha are getting on like a house on fire, weve been chatting about how we all got into this kinda area

Martin Blackwood: Tim has made an arse of himself already but only a little bit and she laughed so it was all good

Martin Blackwood: Like on a scale of 1 to tim it was only about a 2

Martin Blackwood: Wait oh my god

Martin Blackwood: Georgie: “ive known you for all of about 5 minutes but sasha. Youre the one with the collective archives braincell, arent you?”

Martin Blackwood: Sasha: “well i dont want to brag but... yeah i do”

Martin Blackwood: Me and tim are both nodding bc she absolutely does have the braincell most of the time

Martin Blackwood: Oh wait no i didnt mean

Martin Blackwood: Shit

Martin Blackwood: That didnt include you jon!!!

Martin Blackwood: Shit youre like the smartest person i know

Jonathan Sims: don’t worry about it, I know what you meant

Jonathan Sims: ...and I’m aware that all too often I really should be included in that group

Martin Blackwood: Aw jon no!! I think you get a braincell all to yourself, haha!!

Jonathan Sims: well. 

Jonathan Sims: thank you. but anyway.

Jonathan Sims: I’m just leaving now, I should be about ten minutes or so.

Martin Blackwood: Okay :))

---

5:09 P.M.

Jonathan Sims: you know, I just saw them change the ad on the billboard down the road from the pub

Jonathan Sims: you three were talking about cows at lunch, weren’t you?

Jonathan Sims: anyway. it made me think of you.

Jonathan Sims sent a photo

[Image ID: a photo of a billboard, now displaying an advert for milk featuring a trio of cartoon cows.]

Martin Blackwood: Aw!! Thats adorable :)))

Martin Blackwood: They are very much good cows :)))

Jonathan Sims: I’m 

Jonathan Sims: I’m glad you like them

Jonathan Sims: I’ll be there in a few minutes

Martin Blackwood: Ill see you soon!!!

---

5:12 P.M.

Georgie Barker to Jonathan Sims

Georgie Barker: um excuse me you’re meant to be the common link between me and your workmates

Georgie Barker: so how come we’re all at the pub and you’re still conspicuously absent?

Georgie Barker: your coworkers are all super nice btw

Georgie Barker: sasha is really cool! and she likes wtg so that’s an automatic plus in my book

Georgie Barker: ooh maybe i can interview her on wtg? you archives guys must have so many weird stories

Georgie Barker: yeah i’ll ask her

Georgie Barker: and martin is a fuckin sweetheart my guy you need to get on that ;)

Georgie Barker: tim is a Lot 

Georgie Barker: but he’s fun!

Georgie Barker: idk how they all tolerate you as their boss, they’re far too cool for you

Georgie Barker: i can see you’re online, i’m gonna keep roasting you until you respond

Jonathan Sims: I got caught up in work, you know how Elias is. I’m nearly there now

Georgie Barker: that’s bullshit and we both know it

Georgie Barker: you’re not piking out on us are you?

Jonathan Sims: no!

Jonathan Sims: I really am on my way

Jonathan Sims: here, proof from a minute’s walk down the street

Jonathan Sims sent a photo

Georgie Barker: oh ya martin already showed us that, it’s cute :)

Georgie Barker: he didn’t say it was from you tho

Jonathan Sims: ah. no, I’ve been messaging him to ask how you’re all getting on

Georgie Barker: and you didn’t ask me?

Georgie Barker: wait

Georgie Barker: jonathan sims are you deliberately running late so you have an excuse to dm martin?

Georgie Barker: holy shit jon you need to find healthier ways to express your feelings

Jonathan Sims: that’s not

Jonathan Sims: no!

Jonathan Sims: why would you even ask that?

Georgie Barker: bc i’ve known you since uni, you prat

Georgie Barker: and while i love you very much, i’m painfully aware that you’re about as in touch with your emotions as a walnut

Jonathan Sims: ...

Jonathan Sims: maybe I was able to deal with Elias’s request by 5. possibly.

Jonathan Sims: but I’m literally pushing the door open now so this conversation is over.

Georgie Barker: for now maybe

---

5:23 P.M.

Timothy Stoker to Sasha James

Timothy Stoker: sash why the fuck do u choose to go to the bog now

Timothy Stoker: ur missing all the best bits

Sasha James: christ tim i’ve been gone for like 2 minutes? am i allowed to use the loo in peace?

Timothy Stoker: nah babe

Timothy Stoker: bc u missed georgie looking at jon, then turning to marto to give him the full onceover, and going “ohhhh i see”

Timothy Stoker: then turning back to the bossman and going “yeah okay i get u, theyre some good shoulders”

Timothy Stoker: jon and marto are both bright red and Cant make eye contact

Timothy Stoker: georgie is drinking her beer like she didnt just unleash ultimate chaos

Timothy Stoker: but she knows exactly what she did

Timothy Stoker: god shes great

Sasha James: isn’t she?????

Sasha James: i’m pretty sure she’s the reason why jon hasn’t died of a heart attack yet

Timothy Stoker: how fuckin true

---

Georgie Barker sent you a friend request!

Accept / Decline

---

7:12 P.M

Georgie Barker to Jonathan Sims

Georgie Barker: aw that was fun!

Georgie Barker: your coworkers are great :D

Jonathan Sims: I’m glad you had a nice time! 

Jonathan Sims: I’m still going to murder you about bringing up the thing you absolutely should Not have mentioned though

Georgie Barker: ohhh the shoulders thing??? oh love

Georgie Barker: you may have been a bit embarrassed but trust me, it’s for the greater good

Jonathan Sims: Georgie even though we may be united in our hatred of Elias, I still absolutely can’t have anything more than professional feelings towards a colleague

Georgie Barker: you’re texting him pictures of cows, jon

Georgie Barker: i think you’re gonna have to learn to come to terms with a few things pretty quickly

Jonathan Sims: no. I refuse.

Georgie Barker: cow pictures, jon

Georgie Barker: cow pictures, because they made you think of him

Georgie Barker: and you stayed late at work so you had an excuse to slide into those dms

Georgie Barker: you can’t handle feelings but that’s okay! because you’ve got me to help you!

Georgie Barker: ohhh we’re gonna have some fun times ahead of us >:)

Jonathan Sims: christ.

---

7:13 P.M.

“archival ASSistants”

marto kart: Well that was really nice!!

sash: yeah she was even cooler than i expected

sash: and big news!! she asked me if she could interview me for an ep of wtg so i’m absolutely stoked about that!

stonks: u called?

stonks: legit tho congrats sash!

marto kart: !!!! Nice one!!!

sash: thanks all

sash: oh and she’s promised us lots of pics from jon’s band days which i am Hyped for

sash: can’t believe she and jon used to date back then omg

marto kart: Wait they what?

sash: yeah didn’t you hear that bit? they went out for a bit when they were both at oxford but from what i could tell they thought they’d be better off as friends

marto kart: Oh

marto kart: Right

stonks: marto is that....... jealousy i detect?

stonks: :eyes emoji: :eyes emoji:

marto kart: No!!! Of course not!!!

marto kart: ...Okay maybe a tiny bit but its okay! It was all in the past and she was so nice and i dont want to make things weird :///

stonks: yeah dude im sure u have 0 to be worried about!

stonks: it sounds like shed be hella supportive actually

stonks: she did say that jon said u have good shoulders :eyes emoji:

sash: oh yeah she did! :eyes emoji:

marto kart: ...

sash: and if you’re at all worried you should just talk to her, she seemed really upfront :)

marto kart: Yeah but im not tho :(((

sash: aw martin just go for it, otherwise it’ll be on your mind

marto kart: ...Okay :)

stonks: ayeee go marto!

---

7:19 P.M.

Martin Blackwood to Georgie Barker

Martin Blackwood: It was great to meet you tonight georgie!!! 

Martin Blackwood: I had a super nice time and i hope you did too :)))

Georgie Barker: i did, thanks!

Georgie Barker: and it was great to meet you as well! it was really good to get to know the people that jon works with :)

Martin Blackwood: :))))

---

7:24 P.M.

Georgie Barker: martin, i’ve been watching your typing notification blip on and off for the last five minutes

Georgie Barker: is everything okay?

Martin Blackwood: Oh no everythings fine!!

Georgie Barker: hmm

Georgie Barker: i’ve known jon for the best part of ten years, i can spot a deflection from a mile off

Georgie Barker: let me guess

Georgie Barker: you have questions?

Georgie Barker: okay, let’s see how good i am

Georgie Barker: in order: yes, absolutely none but we still care about each other as mates, about 3 months, we both realised we work about a million times better as friends, yes he did tell me you’ve got good shoulders, yes you should say something because he sure won’t

Georgie Barker: did i get it?

Martin Blackwood: !!!

Georgie Barker: you’re welcome :)

Martin Blackwood: Am i really that obvious???

Georgie Barker: i mean mostly no?

Georgie Barker: but there was sometimes a Vibe i won’t lie

Georgie Barker: but anyway jon is so so oblivious so you’re fine on that front, if you’re worried

Martin Blackwood: Oh okay!! Thanks

Martin Blackwood: And i mean i wasnt going to ask all of those questions, some of its a bit too personal for me to pry into!! Weve only just met and you absolutely deserve your privacy!!

Georgie Barker: dw, i volunteered the info :)

Georgie Barker: it’s what i’d want to ask, but i guess i’m just nosy haha

Georgie Barker: plus i don’t really... feel fear? so i’ll just ask questions lol

Martin Blackwood: ...I did want to ask about the shoulders thing tho you were very right about that

Martin Blackwood: But god please dont tell him i asked about it!!!

Martin Blackwood: Hed absolutely hate it and think it was super unprofessional :(((

Georgie Barker: you didn't ask tho! i guessed the question, so you didn't actually ask it

Georgie Barker: that's plausible deniability :)

Martin Blackwood: I guess so yeah!! Thanks georgie youre a gem :)))

Georgie Barker: aw ta martin :)

Georgie Barker: besides i don’t think he’d hate it as much as you think he would...

Georgie Barker: maybe ask him about why he was late... 

Martin Blackwood: Sorry, what?

Georgie Barker: i’ll say no more ;)

Martin Blackwood: ...

Georgie Barker: ah love don’t worry about it :)

Georgie Barker: look i should probably let you go, but it’d be cool to hang out with you guys again!

Martin Blackwood: Yes wed love to see more of you!! And we need to meet the admiral at some point, weve heard so much about him from jon!!

Georgie Barker: yes omg for sure! we can tee something up later :)

Martin Blackwood: Sounds good!!!

Martin Blackwood: Mind if i start up a gc?? Its gonna be a bit insane but youll get used to us :))

Georgie Barker: fine by me :)

---

“archival ASSistants”

marto kart: Okay yep were all good!!

sash: aw good!

stonks: more importantly tho did u get the good answers????

marto kart: .......Maybe :))

marto kart: But i also wanted to tell her that it was good to get to know her :))

stonks: youre too wholesome omg

marto kart: And shes keen to hang out with us more

marto kart: Tim you didnt scare her off too much haha!!

stonks: hey im a fuckin delight and u know it

sash: well that’s debatable, babe xx

marto kart: Im gonna start up a group chat to organise things :)))

---

Martin Blackwood added Georgie Barker , Sasha James and Timothy Stoker to the group

Martin Blackwood renamed the group "friends of jonathan sims support group"

Timothy Stoker: lol

Sasha James: that’s exactly who we are

Georgie Barker: omg perfect

---

Georgie Barker to Jonathan Sims

Georgie Barker: never mind i’m still gonna give you shit about your crush and your lack of social skills but if you do not get together with martin as of approx 3 weeks ago i’m disowning you completely :)

Chapter Text

Wednesday, 12:56 P.M.

"archival ASSistants"

marto kart: Guys its coming up the end of the month

marto kart: Are we still on for games night next sun???

sash: ofc

stonks: hell yea

marto kart: Should we invite jon and/or georgie? 

sash: hm idk

sash: actually jon does give me the vibe of someone who’d appreciate a good tabletop

stonks: fuck can you imagine the boss playing cah?

stonks: he went so fuckin feral in the vent chat his cah game would be quality

marto kart: Omg i would die

stonks: ayeee lets get on it

marto kart: Not with the custom deck though!!!

stonks: ahaha fuck

sash: yeah shit definitely not the custom deck! real cah only

sash: knowing our luck we’d definitely draw “why are the bags under jon’s eyes so big?” as the black card

stonks: or hed get “your supernatural boss going blind from watching you wank in the third floor bathroom” in his hand 

stonks: mind you hes been proven to be a fuckin icon whenever el*as is involved so he might actually appreciate that one

marto kart: God there are some good cards in that deck

stonks: sash i still maintain “worms?” is the funniest white card youve ever made

sash: ah jesus that was a bad time

marto kart: Yep

marto kart: Fuck worms

sash: fuck worms

stonks: fuck worms forever and ever amen

marto kart: Alright then if were all cool with it we can ask jon and georgie a bit closer to the time :)))

sash: fab

---

Thursday, 3:33 P.M.

Melanie King to Georgie Barker

Melanie King: hey g!

Georgie Barker: melanieee! love i haven’t heard from you in ages, how’re you going?

Georgie Barker: how’s life post-sheffield?

Melanie King: post ghost stabbing and being a meme, you mean?

Georgie Barker: you said it, not me :)

Melanie King: actually? not too bad

Melanie King: u’re the only person whos believed me about getting stabbed by a ghost so that’s been Not Fun, but apart from that i’ve been alright, trying to keep busy without ghuk

Melanie King: actually no there’s one other person who believed me

Melanie King: that arsehole at the magnus institute

Melanie King: god he’s such a dick but he actually took me seriously and let me access the library to research

Georgie Barker: wait

Georgie Barker: you never told me you went to the magnus institute?

Georgie Barker: you went to give a statement?

Melanie King: ages ago, remember? i went to tell them about the whole cmh shitshow and got in a screaming match with the dickhead in the basement

Melanie King: but i went back bc their library has some really good resources i can’t find anywhere else, and he’s been surprisingly good recently? i don’t want to jinx it tho

Georgie Barker: ahahahahaha oh no

Georgie Barker: that’s so him

Melanie King: ?

Georgie Barker: love you never told me about that

Georgie Barker: bc if you had, i would’ve told you that “the dickhead in the basement” is actually my mate jon

Melanie King: ur mate jon who’s also ur EX jon?

Georgie Barker: ahahaha yep that’s him

Georgie Barker: oh man good to see i was right not doing things with the pair of you together

Georgie Barker: i always thought you were kinda similar

Georgie Barker: you’re both so strongminded and stubborn, neither of you will back the fuck down

Georgie Barker: and boy i can see that’d lead to arguments

Georgie Barker: plus i love him but he’s uh

Georgie Barker: an acquired taste

Melanie King: yeah that’s putting it mildly

Melanie King: hate to say it but jesus fuck u had bad taste in uni

Georgie Barker: we had quite a bit in common back then actually! not enough to build a relationship on as it turned out but enough for us to stay mates through it :)

Melanie King: yeah he’s kinda alright now, i suppose, he still pisses me off but we can give each other shit and not mind about it

Melanie King: and he’s taking what we do more seriously, which makes him a lot better to deal with

Melanie King: ...he’s been helpful, actually, which i wasn’t expecting

Georgie Barker: he’s like an overtired slightly spooky fungus, he grows on you :)

Melanie King: i suppose he does

Melanie King: actually it’s good u know him? bc i was going to ask u about this email i got seeing as u have pretty good intuition for these things

Melanie King sent a screenshot

Melanie King: i guess the big boss has seen me around the library? i’ve been in there a lot recently 

Melanie King: u reckon i should take the job?

Melanie King: i got a weird feeling from the email but look at that fuckin salary

Melanie King: i want to go on a research trip to india and fuck that sort of cash would come in handy

Georgie Barker: hmmmm

Georgie Barker: the boss is apparently a creep and a fucko

Melanie King: yeah we established that already lol

Georgie Barker: lol no elias not jon

Georgie Barker: so if you do end up taking the job try and steer clear of him

Georgie Barker: but i’ve met the rest of the archives team and they’re genuinely great

Georgie Barker: the whole magnus institute thing gives me weird vibes too, i won’t lie

Georgie Barker: but i know you like the research side of things otherwise you wouldn’t have started ghuk, the archives gang is pretty cool, and it looks like good money for doing something you like

Melanie King: yeah i was coming to that decision myself but it’s always nice to hear it confirmed

Melanie King: plus if i hate it i can always quit, ofc

Georgie Barker: yeah exactly :)

Melanie King: cool

Melanie King: right then i’m going to email elias back then hopefully have nothing to do with him ever again

Melanie King: thanks g!

Georgie Barker: no worries melanie! good luck with the new job!

---

Monday, 8:53 A.M.

“archives gang”

mr bossman: did we all get the email? apparently we’re going to have a new team member joining us today.

mr bossman: I have no idea why El*as does this to us

mr bossman: I’ve only just got used to getting on with you three

the soft one: Jon dont worry im sure theyll be nice!!

mr bossman: I don’t have enough social skills for this.

the soft one: You have to at least try to be nice back, jon!!!

the soft one: Otherwise ill tell georgie and she wont let you see the admiral

the fun one: :O

mr bossman: Martin. I trusted you.

the soft one: Im sorry jon but its for your own good and the good of the team

mr bossman: I never should have let you and her meet.

the competent one: can’t take it back now!

the competent one: i agree with martin, jon

the soft one: Just try? Please??

mr bossman: ...fine.

mr bossman: only because it’s you asking.

the soft one: Thank you :)))

the competent one: the email said he’d give this new person an orientation talk then bring them down at about 9:30? so at least you have time to prepare yourself

mr bossman: there is that, at least

---

9:19 A.M.

mr bossman: oh jesus fucking christ

mr bossman: if she or El*as asks I am Not In

---

9:23 A.M.

“friends of jonathan sims support group”

Martin Blackwood: I thought wed all like to know that jon has barricaded himself in his office and is legit hiding from the new hire

Martin Blackwood: Sometimes i really wonder why my heart has gone “yes this one”

Timothy Stoker: marto we all do

Timothy Stoker: this is a peak jon move lol

Timothy Stoker: but to be fair the new hire is melanie and she is both cool and kinda terrifying

Georgie Barker: oh melanie had her first day today!

Timothy Stoker: u know her?

Georgie Barker: yeah we got to be friends through the ghost podcast/youtube show thing :)

Timothy Stoker: holy shit how do you survive with her and jon as friends

Martin Blackwood: She has no fear apparently!!

Georgie Barker: yeah literally none :)

Sasha James: that tracks actually

Martin Blackwood: Right im going to go see if i can lure jon out of his office with tea, wish me luck!!

Georgie Barker: good luck martin! i’d better go bc i’ve got to get to my recording session

Georgie Barker: but enjoy your first day with melanie as part of the team :)

Sasha James: i’m sure we will, as long as we can keep the peace somehow…

Martin Blackwood: Tea. Lots and lots and lots of tea

Martin Blackwood: I think im going to have a busy few weeks...

---

10:04 A.M.

“archival ASSistants”

Sasha James added Melanie King to the group

sash: okay so martin has already made you tea so you’re an official part of the archives team now, melanie!

sash: congrats! even though this place is a hellhole we try and make it fun

marto kart: Yeah its great to have another person around!!! Its always nice to see you in the library so itll be good to have you as a proper part of the gang :)))

stonks: ayeee welcome to hell

Melanie King: thanks all, not sure if i’m happy to be here yet but u guys seem pretty cool even if the archives have a Vibe and a half and your boss is a dick most of the time

Melanie King: london rent amiright

sash: amen to that

marto kart: ^^^^

sash: so this is the unofficial gc without jon

stonks: unofficial and the best

sash: please ignore the chat name, tim is a menace to society

Melanie King: oh i already know that

stonks: booooo

stonks: also i gotta get on a nickname for u

stonks: give me a mo

stonks: itll be a work of genius i promise

Melanie King: oh god

Melanie King: i’m warning u once and once only

Melanie King: i have at least one knife on my person at all times

Melanie King: and i’m not afraid to use it

stonks: shitting hell

stonks: message received loud and clear

Melanie King: don’t worry i’m saving it for when jon is more of a dick than usual

stonks: ohhhh okay i like you

marto kart: Dont encourage stabbing jon, tim!!

stonks: actually yea save your stabbing for double boss

Melanie King: ohhhh yeah no he’s definitely getting stabbed if he crosses the line

stonks: omg that’s the one thing you can bond with the bossman over

marto kart: Yeah good point!

stonks: if u do stab double boss well get u free drinks forever

Melanie King: sounds good i’m in

sash: oh i should probably add you to the chat with jon in too

---

“archives gang”

Sasha James added Melanie King to the group

the fun one: oh my god oh my god oh my god

the fun one: theres 5 of us now yesss

Timothy Stoker changed Martin Blackwood ’s nickname to baby

Timothy Stoker changed Sasha James ’s nickname to ginger

Timothy Stoker changed Melanie King ’s nickname to scary

Timothy Stoker changed Jonathan Sims ’s nickname to posh

Timothy Stoker changed his nickname to sporty

Timothy Stoker renamed the group “the spice girls”

sporty: i dont need to explain any of these

sporty: and no i am not accepting criticism at this time

ginger: tim why the hell am i ginger?? when i’m not??? ginger????

sporty: um needst i show the entire chat that one photo u showed me?

sporty: from when you were 21? with that glorious bleach and dye job?

ginger: shit there’s no need for that

sporty: i rest my case 

posh: this is a work chat, primarily, if I might remind you.

sporty: pfft boss no its not

scary: i’ve been here for about an hour and i can already tell it’s not

sporty: thank u melanie

sporty: im terrified of u and ur knives but ur also a very very valuable addition to the team

scary: that’s how i like it

posh: christ. 

baby: Jon what did we agree earlier???

posh: yes, alright

posh: my apologies that you got dragged into this, Melanie. this is different from just using the library. the others have probably already told you that this is a strange and not always enjoyable place to work, and they’re not wrong. bizarre things happen around here, and these three aren’t even the worst of it. there were... supernatural worms, at one point. but I suppose you’re used to the weird, given your ghost hunting encounters. but at least we can try and make it a bit better.

scary: hmm jury’s still out on that one but at least u’re trying

ginger: oh before i forget

ginger: sorry melanie, you’re probably going to hate this

ginger: but there’s one last gc you absolutely need to be a part of

scary: there’s more? christ, this is a bad sign

---

“elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker”

Sasha James added Melanie King to the group

Sasha James changed Melanie King ’s nickname to elias hater #4

elias hater #4: never mind

elias hater #4: i’m going to have a good time here

elias hater #4: fuck the worms, if u’re all this feral in hating elias then we’re going to get along just fine

Chapter Text

Tuesday, 11:03 A.M.

“archival ASSistants”

sash: okay so jon asked me to give you the safety briefing, melanie

sash: his actual words were “she needs to know the weird things about working here and i don’t want to take the risk that she won’t listen to me bc she thinks i’m a prick”

Melanie King: ah he knows me better than i thought

Melanie King: so... what’s up?

sash: right so

sash: if you see a yellow door, don't knock on it, and definitely don't open it

sash: it leads into and/or is its own weird twisted fucko dimension

stonks: and the ppl who might come out of the door are also possibly part of it? idk man 

stonks: and i dont think they know either wahoo

stonks: michael and helen are pretty cool tho in a monster sorta way

stonks: for ur reference: michael is blonde and helen isnt and thats the only reliable thing about them actually

stonks: also im pretty sure theyd both do sasha

sash: that is Not a thing tim

stonks: marto am i wrong?

marto kart: ...Hate to say it but hes not wrong, i think they both like you in a weird weird way

sash: :/

sash: let’s get this straight that if i was going to get involved with a supernatural entity i’d absolutely be the one doing the pegging

stonks: hell yea babe

marto kart: That tracks

Melanie King: while i am absolutely on board with sasha pegging a ghost if it ever came to it, i think we may have drifted from where this conversation was meant to be going

sash: yeah um

sash: oh okay so if you end up recording statements, and you find one that doesn’t record onto your laptop? record it onto tape, there will be a tape recorder around (don’t ask me why, it just happens? we don’t question it anymore)

sash: if you start you won’t be able to stop reading it and it will 100% wipe you out

sash: so now the rule is if you read one of them, you gotta go sit down on the time out couch in the breakroom for 20 minutes, with tea if possible, and just have a bit of time to chill and recentre

marto kart: It shouldnt happen that often, jon tries to make sure he does most of the Weird ones

marto kart: I think he thinks theyre dangerous somehow, i think he gets a bit worried for us

Melanie King: yeah he took my statement and i’d class that as Weird

Melanie King: he doesn’t seem to take breaks though

sash: yeah he doesn’t

sash: the statements don’t seem to drain him as much, again, we have no idea why

marto kart: Plus he pushes himself too much!!

sash: please for your own sake don’t use jon as any kind of model of healthy behaviour

sash: oh yeah and the last one

sash: do Not go into the tunnels on your own

sash: just don’t do it

Melanie King: u guys have tunnels? that’s possibly the one neat thing about working here

stonks: oh boy do we have tunnels

stonks: if its creepy u can bet weve got it

sash: yeah look there’s some kind of Thing in the tunnels

marto kart: Plus i found the former archivists body down there so :///

marto kart: Maybe stay away

Melanie King: u’re shitting me

Melanie King: fuck martin that sucks 

marto kart: Yeah it was kinda confronting but we already knew she was dead, so it was bad but not that bad if you know what i mean?

Melanie King: yeah i guess. still sucks though

marto kart: Thanks melanie :))

Melanie King: and what’s the Thing? why does it get a capital?

sash: we’re not sure exactly but it tried to kill me and take my place so

sash: it’s not good, whatever it is

marto kart: Jons sure its trapped in there tho but its best not to tempt fate

Melanie King: holy fucking shit

Melanie King: yep sure tunnels are out

Melanie King: u know i had a dream the night before i started working here properly that i came in and u were different, sasha

Melanie King: and i was the only one who knew about it

Melanie King: i tried to tell the others but they wouldn’t believe me

Melanie King: genuinely very relieved when u were. ya know. u

stonks: welcome to the archives!!!11!1 where weird dreams are just the beginning

Melanie King: why the fuck was jon such a dick about the supernatural when i came in, then? if u have creepy statements and spooky doors and a fucking Thing in ur tunnels and probably more???

marto kart: To be fair the Thing is a fairly recent development

marto kart: And his cynicism was a front really, he told me hes always believed in it but he felt like if he admitted it something bad would happen

stonks: i mean was he wrong tho

marto kart: Well no, but the worms didnt happen as a result of him believing in them

sash: fuck worms

stonks: fuck worms 

marto kart: Fuck worms forever and ever amen

marto kart: But yeah jons a lot better about the spooky things now!!

Melanie King: yeah i did kinda notice that

Melanie King: he didn’t act like an arsehole when i told him i got stabbed by a ghost

stonks: u got stabbed by a ghost? fkn sick

stonks: ...whoa that meme was rlly u?

Melanie King: yes. 

Melanie King: it’s a bit of a sore subject though. by which i mean i’ll maim anyone who brings up that video

stonks: yes maam

stonks: still pretty sick that u got stabbed by a ghost

Melanie King: ...yeah u’re right actually

stonks: this must mean ur able to stab them back? 

Melanie King: well i mean

stonks: shh dont tell me any different

stonks: ur our ghost stabber

stonks: actually yeah

Timothy Stoker changed Melanie King ’s nickname to ghost stabber

Timothy Stoker renamed the group “literal ghost hunt uk”

ghost stabber: thanks i guess?

stonks: ur welc

stonks: one of us! one of us!

sash: oh and also the less deathy but still incredibly serious rules for the group chat

ghost stabber: the fuck sort of serious rules do you have in the group chat?

sash: the sort that pay for drinks at the end of the month

ghost stabber: ohhhhhh yep okay go on

sash: rule 1: no el*as in the group chat 

sash: (that’s what the vent chat is for, you’re in for a treat bc jon should’ve just gone into his weekly meeting with el*as and he’s gonna go feral again)

ghost stabber: el*as i fuckin love

sash: rule 2: don’t be mean to martin

sash: rule 3: all changes to admin privileges have to be by majority group decision

sash: there are others but they’re mostly arbitrary

sash: e.g. rule 53: if anyone mentions the worms you have to reply “fuck worms”

sash: but if you fuck up on the top three the penalty is £1 in the jar in the breakroom

stonks: i labelled it udfu so its easy to spot

marto kart: Guys i see typing in the vent chat 

marto kart: This should be good :))))

---

“elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker”

elias hater #0: day 12409409. Elias still refuses to tell me anything of actual use

elias hater #0: christ i wish i could just type on my phone in front of him but that would be “rude” and “disrespectful to your boss Jon”

elias hater #0: why does he insist on scheduling regular meetings just to ask cryptic questions and not give me any information?

elias hater #0: “how are you finding these statements, Jon? how is your progress coming along?” I read them. I record them. I have dreams about them.

elias hater #0: and he just smiles and goes “hmm” and doesn’t answer my fucking questions

elias hater #0: Elias, if I wanted cryptic I would go to the crossword in the Times

elias hater #0: at least if that annoyed me I could crumple it up and throw it in the bin

elias hater #0: oh. imagine.

elias hater #0: we’re using the Institute budget to hire a skip

elias hater #0: Martin, you have the best arms in the archives

elias hater #0: strength-wise, I mean

elias hater #0: and together we will dunk him into the skip.

elias hater #3: im already on the phone to the skip company

elias hater #0: thank you, Tim

elias hater #4: jon i think we can agree i’ll never respect u but i like u a hell of a lot more now

elias hater #0: I assume that means you’ll help with the dunking, Melanie?

elias hater #4: i wouldn’t miss it for the world

---

Thursday, 8:45 A.M.

“the spice girls”

baby: Happy birthday sasha!!!

sporty: oh yeah! hap borth, sash!

ginger: thanque, lads :)

scary: oh is it ur bday, sasha?

scary: i’d have chipped in for a cake or something if i’d known 

ginger: thanks, melanie! but don’t worry about it, we don’t really do cake here

sporty: we go for drinks after work instead

sporty: or we drink during work 

scary: oh ace

scary: yeah i’d be up for that

sporty: melanie king once again proving shes the perfect fit for this place

scary: thank u

scary: i’m just perfect, full stop

posh: oh I beg to differ.

scary: piss off jon, u love me :-)

posh: incorrect.

posh: I tolerate you, because you might stab Elias one day, and I cannot wait for that to happen

scary: well u can’t fire me before that happens

posh: more’s the pity.

posh: now, I will remind you all that you really shouldn’t be talking about drinking during work hours, on work premises, in the chat that I’m in

posh: that being said, happy birthday, Sasha

posh: and may I recommend vodka in a water bottle so if I happen to chance across you drinking clear fluids I can at least have some vague hope that you’re keeping hydrated

ginger: thanks jon! if i do drink in the archives i promise it’ll be discreet ;)

posh: I mean, I’d rather you didn’t drink in the archives at all

posh: particularly seeing as Tim has that lighter he thinks I don’t know about, and Martin has tendencies towards arson

sporty: :0

sporty: boss how the Fuck

sporty: marto i swore u to secrecy about that lighter!

baby: It wasnt me tim i swear!!!

posh: no, he didn’t tell me. I...

posh: hm.

posh: I can’t remember how I found out, but none of you told me about it, I’m sure of it.

baby: ...

sporty: fuckin weirdass place

sporty: if we promise not to destroy the archives will u have a drink w us boss?

posh: probably not, Tim

sporty: come onnnn not even for sasha’s bday?

posh: maybe later, but I do have work to do. these statements aren’t the kind of thing one can record while drunk.

sporty: omg could u imagine

posh: hm.

sporty: drunk statements

sporty: like drunk history but better

posh: I’m going to actually start recording now so I will mute this chat. official regulations are to not bring alcohol into the archives but if I don’t see it then I can’t enforce said regulation.

ginger: thanks jon :)

sporty: mods are asleep post booze plans

scary: yeah i’ll go on lunch break

sporty: we dont deserve u

scary: i know :-)

---

Jonathan Sims to Martin Blackwood

Jonathan Sims: they’re going to bring alcohol in.

Martin Blackwood: Well yeah of course

Martin Blackwood: I can keep an eye on things to make sure they dont get too rowdy if you want!!!

Jonathan Sims: ah. no, more the opposite

Jonathan Sims: when someone inevitably brings it in, can you bring me in a mug?

Jonathan Sims: if anyone sees you going into my office with a mug, they’ll think it’s just tea...

Martin Blackwood: Sneaky!! I like it :)))

Martin Blackwood: Im in

Jonathan Sims: thank you, Martin.

Jonathan Sims: I don’t know what I’d do without you

---

12:31 P.M.

“the spice girls”

scary: hey i'm back with booze

scary: oh whoops not booze i meant “special water”

posh: thank you.

ginger: oh fab! bring it through where jon can’t see :D

sporty: melanie ur a fuckin gift

scary: i know

scary: and i may have gone by a valerie’s on my way back

scary: u guys said u didn’t do cake for birthdays, but lbr i’m not going to pass up an excuse for cake

scary: this place is fucked up and cake at least makes that a bit better

scary: i’m cutting it now jsyk

sporty: fuck melanie no

baby: Oh no melanie dont do that!!!

ginger: not to sound ungrateful but you shouldn’t have brought cake down here

ginger: sorry melanie! i should have told you about rule 4 but i completely forgot!

posh: jesus fuck. this is the last thing we need.

scary: christ, okay

scary: will one of you tell me what’s going on?? all i did was buy a fucking cake, you don’t have to jump down my fucking throat, god

scary: wait what the fuck????

ginger: too late oh christ

---

“elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker”

elias hater #4: what the fuck is he doing here

elias hater #4: i thought he didn’t leave his fucking ivory tower of an office

elias hater #0: oh, I wish. no.

elias hater #0: you summoned him.

elias hater #4: *i* summoned him? 

elias hater #4: what, with cake?

elias hater #1: Yeah thats kinda how it works unfortunately :///

elias hater #1: Dont worry melanie its not your fault, you didnt know!!

elias hater #0: regardless, now we’re fucking stuck with him.

elias hater #4: seriously what the fuck?????

elias hater #2: yeah so rule 4 is don’t bring cake into the archives

elias hater #2: i honestly forgot about it bc we don’t do cake anymore, because of him

elias hater #2: we don’t mention cake or bring cake or even think about cake in the archives bc somehow it summons that bag of dicks and he scabs cake off us while being ominous

elias hater #3: its bc elias is a spooky snoopy bastard

elias hater #4: he has cameras down here? perv

elias hater #1: Oh no its worse than that!!

elias hater #2: yeah i did some snooping a little while back and it turns out there aren’t actually any cameras down here

elias hater #2: literally none at all

elias hater #2: but he still knows everything that’s going on

elias hater #3: which is why weve come to the conclusion that hes spooky af

elias hater #2: there seems to be a certain breed of spooky that deals with watching? or being watched, or something like that, and we think he might be a part of it

elias hater #3: u see

elias hater #3: he always always always knows when there's cake even when he has 0 reasonable way of finding out

elias hater #1: We actually ran tests!!

elias hater #2: plus it very very neatly sums up everything he does

elias hater #2: occam’s razor institute version: the simplest explanation is usually the correct one, and if that includes the massively spooky then yeah, that counts

elias hater #4: so he just... knows everything?

elias hater #2: pretty much

elias hater #4: so he knows about this chat?

elias hater #0: no. he doesn’t. and I have done and will do everything in my power to stop him from knowing about this chat.

elias hater #1: Jon im filing that under ominous

elias hater #1: Actually youve been getting more ominous generally lately and its mildly concerning :///

elias hater #0: oh. it’s not intentional?

elias hater #1: Thats good at least?

elias hater #1: Whats also genuinely good is that even tho hes the biggest cake scab, elias never asks for tea anymore :))))

elias hater #0: I maintain you are all Employees of the Month for that, indefinitely

elias hater #4: for what?

elias hater #3: we all spat in his tea and he drank it >:)

elias hater #3: thats the best thing ive ever ever done in this job

elias hater #4: oh my fucking god

elias hater #4: wait jesus fuck elias stay the fuck away from the last piece with a strawberry on 

elias hater #4: i have had my eye on that u rat bastard

elias hater #4: if u take the piece with the strawberry on i’m gonna quit right here and now and i’m thinking that extra loud so u’ll hear me or whatever

elias hater #4: no put the strawberry piece down u arse

elias hater #4: wait what the fuck did he just say

elias hater #4: did he just say we can’t fucking quit are u fucking kidding me

elias hater #0: that is indeed what he just said

elias hater #0: oh, wonderful. now he’s monologuing over cake

elias hater #0: “I’m the heart of the Institute” that’s all very well and good but does he know that he has a blob of cream on his top lip

elias hater #4: i can’t fucking take this

---

12:57 P.M.

elias hater #2: mkay melanie is safely on the time out couch sans all knives

elias hater #2: biggest thanks to martin for a) physical melanie-wrangling and b) being too nice to stab

elias hater #1: Haha no worries, ive had to defuse a few fights in my time :)) 

elias hater #1: Ive gone to make tea, ill be back in a mo!!

elias hater #0: well. thank you all for your help in preventing the murder of another Magnus Institute staff member

elias hater #0: I’ve locked all the kitchen knives in my drawer, come see me if you need anything sharper than a butter knife

elias hater #3: :thumbs up emoji:

elias hater #3: that flying leap was a thing of fkn beauty tho

elias hater #3: the aesthetique™ 

elias hater #4: thanks, maybe the rest of these traitors will let me connect next time

elias hater #0: Melanie, as much as I admire your dedication to stabbing that rotten pustule on the anus of humanity, he did say that if he dies, so do we all

elias hater #0: so until I can trust you not to stab him lethally, as your boss, I’m banning you from knives in the archives.

elias hater #4: wow and i thought the rat bastard was the worst boss

elias hater #0: you take that back.

elias hater #4: fine okay but only because u’ve given me implicit permission to stab him nonlethally

elias hater #4: which means we can negotiate

elias hater #0: that we can

elias hater #2: okay in light of what’s just happened i am postponing birthday drinks til tomorrow bc elias makes me want to get drunk for business not for pleasure

elias hater #2: karaoke bar tomorrow night?

elias hater #3: aw yea im in

elias hater #1: Sounds great!!! Jon are you coming?

elias hater #0: not if I can find a polite way to refuse

elias hater #1: You forget i have georgies number and im not afraid to use it :))

elias hater #0: fiend. for the sake of the Admiral I will go

elias hater #1: :))))))

elias hater #4: yeah what the hell i’m in too

elias hater #2: ace! 

elias hater #0: not to break up the party, but I do need to get back to these statements. 

elias hater #3: and were all going to get back to melanies bottle of vodka! 

elias hater #3: i need to cleanse elias from my brain

elias hater #3: sorry “special water”

elias hater #4: bottleS

elias hater #3: ur stabby and boozy i think ur my new fav person

elias hater #4: :-)

---

6:26 P.M.

Melanie King to Georgie Barker 

Melanie King: hell day

Melanie King: coming to urs with vodka

Melanie King: need to get completely hammered and plot homicide

Georgie Barker: archives? 

Melanie King: yep 

Georgie Barker: elias? 

Melanie King: yep.

Georgie Barker: you better bring enough vodka for both of us

Melanie King: oh don’t worry i’m on it

Chapter Text

Friday, 8:42 P.M.

“the spice girls”

baby: Sasha you did say meet at 9 right? At the place on poland st??

ginger: yep that’s the one!

baby: Oh perfect!!! Im omw

ginger: thanks martin!

ginger: oh and don’t forget everyone

ginger: you all owe me a round bc it’s my birthday

ginger: i’m not paying for a drink all night actually, thx in advance love you all

sporty: it was ur bday yesterday actually

ginger: tim, babe

ginger: timpani stoker

ginger: i love you but shut the fuck up

ginger: it’s not my fault that the arsehole in chief derailed my plans just by existing

ginger: oh yeah speaking of which

ginger: jon it’s your round first 

ginger: you think i’d let you get away with breaking rule 1? 

posh: …

posh: I thought you hadn’t noticed

ginger: oh i always notice when it comes to drinks xx

posh: fine. one round.

posh: I really don’t know what you hope to achieve with this

ginger: free drinks

sporty: shes got a point

posh: …

posh: there’s absolutely no way I can escape this, is there?

ginger: nope :)

---

10:21 P.M.

“literal ghost hunt uk”

stonks: fab so it turns out thatit takes 4 glassse of dry red wine to get the boss in a state where he can b pesuded to sing

stonks: *persuded

ghost stabber: third time lucky?

stonks: nah fuck it

stonks: but this is valuable intel ayee

sash: i must say i did Not expect jon to bust out a word perfect we didn’t start the fire

sash: but boy am i impresed

stonks: dw i got it on video

sash: happy birthday to me

ghost stabber: look i know i said i’d never respect him but hm. that may have changed

stonks: boi has chops

stonks: ohohohhoo look at marto damnnn hes so gone poor lad

---

11:05 P.M.

stonks: okay but is any1 els findin it weird tht bossman just knows all the lyrics? to every song hedoes? 

sash: tim 

sash: tim this is karaoke

sash: tim the lyrics are up on the screen

stonks: babeeee hes not even lookign at th escreen

sash: ...ohhh

sash: o yeah

marto kart: I didntn otice

sash: and we all know why that is ;)

marto kart: Shut up!!

marto kart: God he does haev such agood voice tho

ghost stabber: grosss

marto kart: Shhhh im listning

sash: .........jon’s getting Weird

stonks: mmm

sash: we shld deal w this maybe

ghost stabber: probably yeah

sash: hmmmmmm i’m tipsy and its my birthday so i’m nt dealing w this!

marto kart: Guyss shh 

marto kart: I can talk t ohim later but now its karko

marto kart: *Karakore

marto kart: Whyy ar my thums s ofat

marto kart: ***Kareok

marto kart: Fuck

marto kart: Good singing man

stonks: :thumbs up emoji:

marto kart: :))))

---

11:38 P.M.

marto kart: Fukc guys

marto kart: Fuckkkkkk

marto kart: I jsut had. A spirituale xprience

marto kart: Img oing to cry

marto kart: My heartttt 

sash: aw martin <3

---

Saturday, 4:08 P.M.

sash: how’re we all doing this fine afternoon?

sash: more to the point 

sash: martin, my sweet

sash: got anything you’d like to share with the group?

sash: you... really didn’t want to get distracted from jon’s singing voice last night, hmm?

sash: he can really carry a tune, can’t he? 

sash: how would i describe it, hmmmm... 

sash: pretty deep, a bit rough, kinda... sexy...?

marto kart: Oh sasha no no no!!

marto kart: I dont

marto kart: I mean i might have a bit of a crush but no!!

marto kart: Not like that!!!!!

stonks: :eyes emoji: :eyes emoji: :eyes emoji:

stonks: methinks the marto doth protest too much

marto kart: Tim!!!!

marto kart: >:(((((

stonks: come off it marto

stonks: melanie, babe, uv been witness to all this

stonks: whats ur opinion? as the archives newbie?

ghost stabber: oh yeah martin u’ve got it bad

ghost stabber: u were looking at him with such a dopey smile

ghost stabber: and if i thought jon had real emotions i might say he was looking at u in the same sort of way after he was a few drinks in and he thought u weren’t looking

stonks: from the mouths of newbies hmmmmm

sash: hmmmmmmmmm

sash: if i may direct you back up to your messages from 11:38 post meridian hmmmmmm

marto kart: ...

sash: in fact i believe there is photographic evidence that 

Sasha James sent a photo

[Image ID: a blurry shot of Martin gazing up at the stage with an incredibly soft expression, hand raised to his eye as if he is wiping something away]

sash: this is what happens when jonathan sims, head archivist of the magnus institute, london, sings wasteland baby by hozier while very drunk at karaoke

sash: didn’t get the shot of jon while he was singing but martin he was looking straight at you for the entire song babe

stonks: sasha have i ever told u how much i love the work u do for this place

sash: cheers tim xx

marto kart: Oh look i think someones at the door i have to go bye!!

sash: martin nooo it’s cute! and we can help!

sash: ...nope i think he’s gone :(

ghost stabber: thanks guys u’ve pointed out the ust and now i won’t be able to ignore it

stonks: yea we have to put up with that on the reg

ghost stabber: well isn’t that just peachy

ghost stabber: and here was me thinking we lesbians were meant to have the monopoly on pining

stonks: oh babe u aint seen nothin yet

---

Wednesday, 1:56 P.M.

Melanie King to Georgie Barker

Melanie King: g you have to help me

Melanie King: i can’t work in an environment like this

Georgie Barker: shit what’s going on?

Georgie Barker: is it the spooky shit? have you been stabbed again?

Georgie Barker: do i need to come in and kick jon’s arse? *elias’s* arse?

Melanie King: oh nah none of that

Melanie King: although the ass-whoopin would be very cathartic

Melanie King: and i’m always up to add more people to the beating-up-elias train choo fuckin choo

Melanie King: no it’s the fuckin unresolved sexual tension

Melanie King: the pining

Melanie King: g i cannot fucking stand the pining

Georgie Barker: ahahahaha oh love

Georgie Barker: yeah they’ve both got it bad 

Melanie King: no shit

Melanie King: u didn't even see them at karaoke jesus

Georgie Barker: oh but jon came round to mine on saturday and told me alllllll about it

Georgie Barker: he has a freakishly good drunk memory actually

Georgie Barker: and by "told me abt it" i mean he moped and pined and worried about being "professional" all afternoon and didn't listen to any of my advice :/

Melanie King: hang on i’m getting the others in on this

---

Melanie King added Georgie Barker , Sasha James and Timothy Stoker to the group

Melanie King: right i have summoned u all here today bc i cannot stand the ust in the office

Melanie King: whatever the fuck is going on between jon and martin needs to be resolved somehow immediately

Timothy Stoker: agreeeeeeeeeeeed

Timothy Stoker: uv been here for like 2min and uv hit right to the heart of it

Timothy Stoker: ive suggested locking them in a broom cupboard and waiting for the inevitable but sash wont let me 

Sasha James: yeah as much as i want to, a) that’s pretty dubious and b) i’m not actually sure we could now

Sasha James: jon’s knowing weird stuff he has absolutely no right to know so he might get tipped off

Melanie King: try the direct approach? tell them to pull their heads out of their arses and just talk?

Georgie Barker: firstly i gotta say how much i love that you’ve made a gc just for this

Georgie Barker: secondly, i’ve Tried telling them directly but jon just gets defensive then avoids it altogether

Georgie Barker: and martin can’t believe jon would ever feel the same way

Timothy Stoker: yea weve tried encouraging marto but no

Sasha James: as you saw the other day, melanie, he just nopes out of the conversation

Timothy Stoker: and if we raised it w jon i can tell u exACTly how it wld go:

Timothy Stoker: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mU7IUprPqag

Sasha James: booOOOONE!?!?!?!? 

Sasha James: hoW dARe YoU aSSiStaNT StOKeR

Melanie King: i will pay good money to see u do that tim

Timothy Stoker: how much r we talkin here?

Melanie King: i mean only like £2

Timothy Stoker: hmmmmm yea nah

Sasha James: yeah so let’s just say the direct approach isn’t going to work

Georgie Barker: but they’re both absolute dumbasses when it comes to this so being subtle about it might not be the best plan either

Sasha James: oh trueee

Sasha James: ugh

Melanie King: well we have to do something

Melanie King: i’m going to fuckin gouge my eyes out with a rusty spork if i have to witness one more awkward exchange over a mug of tea

Timothy Stoker: thats the new mission then

Timothy Stoker: fuck the spooky and fuck organising the archives, we gotta get jonmartin to happen

Timothy Stoker: for the sake of melanie’s eyes!

Timothy Stoker renamed the group “operation get jon to boooOOOONE!?!?!?!”

Sasha James: why do i ever let you name groups

Sasha James renamed the group “operation wasteland”

Sasha James: simple. classy. connotations of the hellscape we all find ourselves in. less likely to alert jon or martin if they see the chat name. evokes memories of peak pining during karaoke.

Georgie Barker: oh perfect

Sasha James: you heard about karaoke then?

Georgie Barker: boy did i ever

Timothy Stoker: oop close the chat lads

Timothy Stoker: hes coming out of his office and hes got that scowl on

---

“the spice girls”

posh: ugh.

posh: we’re getting even more members of staff in the archives

posh: I can tolerate you now, Melanie, and I appreciate your stabbing skills

scary: oh cheers

posh: but I don’t think I can take any more people.

sporty: noooo 

sporty: i mean yay more people

sporty: but its gonna fuck up my spice girls nicknames

scary: and it’s going to rope more people into this hellpit they can’t escape from?

sporty: oh yea that too i guess

ginger: did you get an email from el*as about it, jon?

ginger: weird, he normally copies us all in on these sorts of things

posh: I

posh: hm.

posh: ...Martin, is that another one for the file? 

baby: Yep :///

posh: ...ah. sorry.

---

“operation wasteland”

Timothy Stoker: thank fuck were safe

Timothy Stoker: all in favour of keeping this on as much dl as poss say aye

Sasha James: aye

Melanie King: aye

Georgie Barker: aye

Timothy Stoker: altho in general

---

“literal ghost hunt uk”

stonks: lads i rlly think we need to do smth about jon Knowing things

stonks: admittedly idk what we *can* do but its Weird

marto kart: I dont think he knows hes being that ominous when he does it

marto kart: Like its catching him by surprise as well whenever we bring it up???

sash: i guess we have to keep bringing it to his attention? and maybe he’ll realise when he’s knowing spooky stuff rather than normal stuff

marto kart: Yeah thats what ive been doing :///

marto kart: We all think the same right? That the same brand of spooky that el*as is part of is affecting jon?? The knowing things spooky

sash: yeah

marto kart: Im just worried for him :(((

marto kart: If this has anything to do with el*as it cant be good

sash: i’ve been trying to look more into it but i’m drawing a few blanks...... pool resources?

marto kart: Sounds good!!

stonks: yea sure

ghost stabber: christ knows we don’t need this place getting any weirder

marto kart: Okay so we do what research we can then have a proper talk to him about it??

sash: seems like the best option

---

3:00 P.M.

“the spice girls”

ginger: oh there’s the email from el*as just come through now

posh: ...

ginger: he’s going to bring the new staff down tomorrow morning, cool

ginger: hey @sporty that means be here on time

sporty: babe that feels rlly targeted

ginger: good

baby: Wonder who its gonna be!

posh: I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see.

sporty: buzzkill

posh: at your service. now, can I please wrangle another two hours of work out of you all?

sporty: no promises boss ;)

---

Thursday, 9:02 A.M.

baby: Alright guys im in prime position to see whos coming down the stairs without looking like a complete snoop

sporty: nice one marto

baby: Door opening.........

sporty: who is it who is it who is it

sporty: ?????

baby: Oh its basira! :)))

sporty: bossman’s copper not-gf? oh cool

ginger: ah yeah she left the force too, right? good for her

baby: And........

baby: Oh

ginger: oh?

ginger: oh. oh indeed.

sporty: daisy fucking tonner

sporty: fuck why do both new spice girls have to be scary spice

Chapter Text

Thursday, 9:03 A.M.

“the spice girls”

sporty: how the fuck do we keep getting more ppl tho

sporty: like shit

sporty: whats the sales pitch?

sporty: “come work in the archives! we have a creepy boss, an even creepier boss, you cant escape, and sometimes there are worms and evil doors and random weird fuckery!”

sporty: who the fuck thinks working here would be a good idea

ginger: i mean, we all did?

sporty: nah the spooky wasnt happening when we got drafted in here

scary: in my experience “five-figure salary” when combined with “london rent” is a pretty big lure

scary: weirdly enough they don’t tell u about the spooky shit when u first sign the contract, it’s not like el*as said any of that in his email 

scary: and then u try and stab the even creepier boss when u find it out but ur traitor workmates don’t let u

sporty: yea that one was on us

sporty: but fuck the last thing we need is more ppl coming in 

sporty: ugh

baby: Oh no have you guys seen whats happening?? El*as is testing jons door and it is Not opening

baby: This needs to go in the support group omg

Jonathan Sims has left the group

---

"friends of jonathan sims support group"

Martin Blackwood: Just a heads up that once again jon has locked himself in his office so he doesnt have to engage with the new staff

Martin Blackwood: Oh shit

Martin Blackwood added Melanie King to the group

Martin Blackwood: Sorry i didnt add you until now melanie!!

Melanie King: all g

Melanie King: i mean calling me a “friend of jonathan sims” is a bit of a stretch but thanks martin

Martin Blackwood: No worries!!

Melanie King: ahaha wait so jon actually was hiding from me when i first came down that’s classic

Melanie King: but yeah i can confirm he’s absolutely doing the same thing rn

Georgie Barker: oh god jon

Georgie Barker: one day i will make the boy develop a single social skill

Timothy Stoker: altho to be fair its daisy and basira

Timothy Stoker: basiras fine

Timothy Stoker: if shes got over me thinking she was jons gf

Georgie Barker: wait you thought what

Georgie Barker: omg he never told me about that

Georgie Barker: ahahahaha tim that’s gold

Timothy Stoker: ................moving right along

Timothy Stoker: but yea holy shit daisy is a Lot

Timothy Stoker: shes the cop that interviewed us after marto found gertrudes body 

Timothy Stoker: and she was like madam police brutality

Sasha James: yeah that was intense

Martin Blackwood: Wait el*as has just found a key and unlocked jons office oh noooo

Martin Blackwood: Wow their discussion looks intense, im going over to see if i can get some intel 

Timothy Stoker: marto we r truly blessed to have u as such a natural snoop

Timothy Stoker: nobody ever suspects u its so great

Martin Blackwood: Ahaha thanks i guess??

Martin Blackwood: Oh it sounds like both of them have quit the police

Martin Blackwood: Daisy and basira

Timothy Stoker: so theyre not replacement police informants then

Timothy Stoker: guess im still putting dinners with my sources on the institute credit card ayeee

Sasha James: “““sources”””

Georgie Barker: ?

Sasha James: tim wines and dines two different police contacts to get info lol

Timothy Stoker: police admin, not like police police

Timothy Stoker: acab, i have standards

Timothy Stoker: but if i cant use bitchards money for fancy dinner then im not doing my job right

Melanie King: that’s so fuckin valid

Martin Blackwood: Oh man okay jon doesnt look happy but at least hes kinda resigned now

Martin Blackwood: El*as is coming out so heads down and avoid eye contact!!

Georgie Barker: i fkn love seeing what you guys have to do to survive at the workplace

Georgie Barker: really makes me appreciate being a podcaster :D

Melanie King: hey g shut the fuck up

Georgie Barker: you know you love me xx

---

“the spice girls”

Sasha James added Basira Hussain to the group

sporty: well its not the spice girls w 6 members now is it

sporty: dammit sash

Timothy Stoker renamed the group “not the spice girls anymore”

Basira Hussain: Wow what a welcome

ginger: oh fuck you read the previous messages

Basira Hussain: Yep

ginger: we’re not normally like this?

scary: (a lie)

ginger: melanie! 

ginger: well okay she’s right

ginger: but basira please ignore tim

ginger: he’s just bitter that more people joining the archives has ruined his spice girls nicknaming theme

sporty: sash i did not ask to be called out like that

Basira Hussain: No I get that the spice girls are important

sporty: thank you!!

Basira Hussain: Although I don’t get why Sasha is ginger?

sporty: oho theres a pic i can show you

ginger: tim. one more word and i will post that photo of you in magaluf

sporty: aw babe you think im ashamed of that?

baby: Yeah actually i think tim showed us that one himself

ginger: oh no no i mean the other one :)

baby: Theres another one???

sporty: fuck i forgot ur a hacker

sporty: shitdamn okay my lips are sealed

ginger: :)

ginger: basira, i’ve been trying to look up daisy to add her but i can’t seem to find her?

Basira Hussain: Oh don’t worry I’ll add her if you want

ginger: thanks!

Basira Hussain added Alice Tonner to the group

Alice Tonner: .

Alice Tonner: basira. why did you add me to this

Basira Hussain: Daisy. It’s a work gc

sporty: in the interests of full disclosure that is also a lie

sporty: wait

sporty: ur name is alice?

sporty: alice?????

sporty: i dont like it™ 

Alice Tonner: oh wow thanks

Alice Tonner changed her nickname to daisy

sporty: thats much better

daisy: I mean, it is my name

sporty: no its fuckin not

ginger: i mean you don’t have much room to complain when your real name is secretly timetable stoker

Sasha James changed Timothy Stoker ’s nickname to timetable stoker

timetable stoker: oh so this is how were playing it, huh

timetable stoker: thats a bold move when “sash” is short for “sash window” and not “sasha” like u keep telling everyone 

Timothy Stoker changed Sasha James ’s nickname to sash window james

sash window james: tim omg

baby: Guys arent we meant to be trying to make a good impression??? Please???

timetable stoker: ohhhh nice to hear from u marto

timetable stoker: or should i say

timetable stoker: house martin blackwood

Timothy Stoker changed Martin Blackwood ’s nickname to house martin blackwood

house martin blackwood: Look

house martin blackwood: Id be more mad if it wasnt a cute bird :))

house martin blackwood: Ill let it pass this time i guess

scary: @daisy sometimes i wonder why ive been added to this fkn chat too dw

scary: it’s not just the archives u can’t escape from

scary: it’s the constant stupidity in this chat

daisy: so it seems

timetable stoker: ah melanie u wound me

sash window james: lads i’ve done some digging and uh

timetable stoker: yessss hacker sash at it again

Sasha James changed Melanie King ’s nickname to watermelon king

sash window james: yeah so it turns out mel isn’t short for melanie? it’s short for watermelon? who knew

house martin blackwood: Ohhh i guess thats why you dont like the nickname, it reminds you of everything youve been running away from

watermelon king: sasha + martin i thought u were the sane ones

house martin blackwood: *house martin

sash window james: *sash window

watermelon king: :-|

sash window james: i’m putting off doing my actual work bc i’m so not in the mood for it today

timetable stoker: oh mood

watermelon king: can’t fault that

Basira Hussain: Look in the interests of fairness

Basira Hussain: I must say that Daisy didn’t even have her full name up on her profile

Basira Hussain: ........It’s actually Alice Band Tonner

Basira Hussain changed Alice Tonner ’s nickname to Alice Band Tonner

timetable stoker: yesssssssssssssss

Alice Band Tonner: what the fuck basira

Alice Band Tonner: what happened to “we have to stick together”?

Basira Hussain: Against people like Elias. We’re working with the archives staff now

Basira Hussain: Well, you are, anyway

Basira Hussain: It’s like they’re sectioned, but with the added benefit that they talk about the weird shit

Alice Band Tonner: i suppose.

timetable stoker: oh we love talking abt weird stuff

Alice Band Tonner: well then i need to tell them all that basira is actually short for basingstoke

Alice Tonner changed Basira Hussain ’s nickname to basingstoke hussain

Alice Band Tonner: justice.

timetable stoker: omg i love

timetable stoker: yall are part of the team now

Timothy Stoker renamed the group “work chat with our official legal names”

sash window james: hang on, what did you mean that only daisy is working here?

Alice Band Tonner: elias hired me to shoot monsters. 

---

Timothy Stoker to Sasha James

Timothy Stoker: oi babe she just said el*as

Timothy Stoker: when are u gonna tell them abt rule 1

Sasha James: she said it in the same sentence where she literally said she’s here to shoot things

Sasha James: they’ve got clearance time

Sasha James: she’s cool but she’s also fkn terrifying

Timothy Stoker: oh worm

Timothy Stoker: god i want to shoot monsters too

---

“work chat with our official legal names”

timetable stoker: shooting monsters is fuckin mint tho

timetable stoker: can i come too?

Alice Band Tonner: can you shoot a gun?

timetable stoker: can u teach me to shoot a gun?

sash window james: read: that’s a no, chief

Alice Band Tonner: then no.

timetable stoker: booooo

basingstoke hussain: I’m mostly here so Daisy does what Elias wants

watermelon king: that’s fucked up

watermelon king: even for el*as a hostage situation is fucked up

basingstoke hussain: I don’t really mind, I just get to read and find out more about what we were dealing with when I was sectioned

house martin blackwood: Thats... a surprisingly calm way of dealing with things here?? 

house martin blackwood: Congrats on that :))

timetable stoker: yea when melanie found out about the stuff like not being able to quit she tried to stab el*as

sash window james: oh yeah if you want to use a knife in the breakroom you’ll have to talk to jon, he’s taken all the sharp knives and locked them in his desk

watermelon king: i mean i don’t know why he thinks that’d work

watermelon king: i have my own knives

house martin blackwood: Hey guys speaking of

house martin blackwood: Weve been chatting for ages and jon hasnt told us to get back to work???

sash window james: ...huh

timetable stoker: yea where is our fearless leader rubber johnny sims

timetable stoker: ohhh my god 

timetable stoker: lads he dirty deleted himself from the group

Timothy Stoker added Jonathan Sims to the group

Timothy Stoker changed Jonathan Sims ’s nickname to rubber johnny sims

timetable stoker: boss omg i cant believe u left us

rubber johnny sims: damn.

rubber johnny sims: I’m honestly surprised it took you that long to notice

rubber johnny sims: and I’m sure you already know this, but I hate that nickname

timetable stoker: oh yep

rubber johnny sims: but since you brought it up, Martin, I would appreciate it if you all could get to work. 

rubber johnny sims: Sasha, Martin, can you give Daisy and Basira the proper tour?

rubber johnny sims: Tim, I don’t trust you at all

rubber johnny sims: Melanie, just don’t get the new staff to attempt to kill El*as and we should be fine

house martin blackwood: On it jon!!

rubber johnny sims: thank you, Martin

---

“literal ghost hunt uk”

Martin Blackwood added Alice Tonner and Basira Hussain to the group

Alice Tonner changed her nickname to daisy

marto kart: So this is the chat without jon

stonks: (aka the best chat)

ghost stabber: they gave me the “safety briefing” not too long ago so u should be able to find that if you search it

ghost stabber: plus the chat rules that pay for drinks

Basira Hussain: Ah thanks

Basira Hussain: Oh that’s why you all censored his name

sash: yeah you’re new so you had a grace period

stonks: also daisy ur frankly fuckin scarier than any of the spooky weve got round here

daisy: good

sash: i’ll add you both to the vent chat too hang on

sash: jon’s weekly rants are a thing of beauty

---

“elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker”

Sasha James added Alice Tonner and Basira Hussain to the group

Sasha James changed Alice Tonner ’s nickname to elias hater #5

Sasha James changed Basira Hussain ’s nickname to elias hater #6

---

9:51 A.M.

“literal ghost hunt uk”

marto kart: So thats the archives!!

marto kart: Any qs just ask one of us :)))

Basira Hussain: Thanks 

Basira Hussain: This should be interesting, at least

stonks: oh we can sure promise interesting

---

4:28 P.M.

stonks: lads lads lads guess what

ghost stabber: oh no

stonks: there are 6 of us now

stonks: assistants i mean

stonks: the number has doubled

stonks: d o u b l e d

ghost stabber: so?

stonks: so, its easily divisible by 2

stonks: what im saying is

stonks: new 3 vs old 3 beer pong

sash: tim no

daisy: tim yes

ghost stabber: tim yes

marto kart: Omg

stonks: tim yes!!!!!

Chapter Text

Tuesday, 4:31 P.M.

Jonathan Sims to Georgie Barker

Jonathan Sims: Georgie, I’m in trouble

Georgie Barker: genuine trouble or you being dramatic bc you’ve had one (1) soft emotion trouble?

Jonathan Sims: Georgie. please.

Georgie Barker: look you can’t say you haven’t given me reason enough to ask

Georgie Barker: you literally spent an entire day a few weekends ago thinking you’d die of shame bc you sung hozier at martin

Jonathan Sims: ...

Jonathan Sims: okay, so your reaction might be justified.

Jonathan Sims: but please, this is important

Georgie Barker: okay okay, i’m serious now

Georgie Barker: got my serious face on and all

Georgie Barker: what’s up, jon?

Jonathan Sims: you have to promise that you’ll take me seriously. and that you won’t 

Jonathan Sims: I don’t know

Jonathan Sims: hate me for it. or think I’m dangerous. or not believe me

Jonathan Sims: because I don’t know exactly what’s happening, but I know that it is happening, and it can’t be good.

Jonathan Sims: you’re the only person I can talk to about this.

Georgie Barker: jon, you’re worrying me now

Georgie Barker: is everything okay? what’s wrong?

Jonathan Sims: I think I’m turning into a monster.

---

“literal ghost hunt uk”

stonks: lads its time to compile all our research

stonks: daisy basira u guys are off the hook bc u literally didnt know abt it

stonks: but smth is very up with the bossman and now is the time to get on it

stonks: he just came up to me

stonks: gave me this really searching look

stonks: and was like

stonks: “tim ill pass any statements that involve the circus on to u but pls be careful”

stonks: all i cld do was just stare at him go “uhhh okay thanks?”

stonks: what the fuck what the fuck 

sash: okay i swear to god i didn’t tell him about that, it was in confidence

stonks: yea i know thats the point

Basira Hussain: ??

sash: it’s complicated and it’s not my place to tell

stonks: fuck were all going out and im getting very Very drunk and telling yall about it

stonks: but long story short my bro got mixed up with some creepy circus thing and well

stonks: :/

stonks: its why i joined the institute

stonks: to see if i could find out what actually happened to him

marto kart: Shit tim im so so sorry <333

ghost stabber: fuck me too tim

Basira Hussain: Yeah. Me too, I’m sorry for asking if it made you uncomfortable

daisy: jesus fuck that’s awful

stonks: thanks guys

stonks: ive seen ppl about it so its not like im Fine with it but now its like

stonks: less shit

stonks: putting that to one side tho bc thats not the point

stonks: the bossman somehow knew 

stonks: not in a judgey way, he actually seemed kinda concerned?

stonks: christ thats such a him thing, trying to make me feel better by giving me extra work

stonks: but he knew about it so again i ask

stonks: what the Fuck

sash: i’ve been keeping all my research in a word doc hang on let me send it

marto kart: Oh lol im keeping a spreadsheet, if you send it to me ill add it all

sash: fab

sash: jonsweirdnesslog.docx

marto kart: Sasha thats so great

stonks: o yea heres my stuff

stonks: it gets a bit conjectural bc i found some stuff on a research dive 

stonks: bossman+smirkes14.docx

sash: omg tim i forgot how much of an architecture nerd you are

sash: this is actually so well researched omg

stonks: did u doubt me babe???

stonks: christ i came to the archives from research

stonks: im not just here for my frankly phenomenal charm

ghost stabber: what charm

ghost stabber: jk anyway here’s mine

ghost stabber: nowhere near as comprehensive as u guys’ but to be fair i’ve only been here for a couple of weeks

ghost stabber: bigspooky.docx

daisy: @Basira what. the fuck.

Basira Hussain: I’m just waiting for the spreadsheet and hopefully it’ll explain it all

marto kart: @Basira ive just compiled it all! Yeah i hope thisll be a bit helpful :)))

marto kart: sims spookiness spreadsheet.xls

sash: love the alliteration

marto kart: Haha thanks :))

Basira Hussain: This... wow. It’s very comprehensive

marto kart: Cheers!!

marto kart: Credit for the division of spookiness stuff has to go to tim, whered you find all that?

stonks: yea so theres this really cool architect robert smirke

stonks: when i was researching i found these notes of his that had been compiled? and bc it was from him ofc i read it even tho it wasnt obviously relevant

Basira Hussain: I think we can say that it is relevant, to a degree

sash: yeah holy shit

sash: you’ve set it out really nicely tho martin, the connections are really easy to follow

daisy: .

daisy: maybe you haven’t experienced this working here and all

daisy: but he

daisy: i gave a statement. i didn’t mean to, but i did

daisy: and after that, i kept dreaming about what had happened. and he was there in the dream

ghost stabber: holy shit 

ghost stabber: that happened to me too a bit

ghost stabber: what the fuck

ghost stabber: did it stop after you started working here too?

daisy: yeah

Basira Hussain: @daisy I can see your hands flexing

Basira Hussain: You don’t need to do whatever you’re thinking of doing.

daisy: el*as hired me for one job, basira

marto kart: Whoa whoa whoa!!!

sash: daisy no!

stonks: jesus fucking christ hes fuckin weird but i dont think he needs Dealing With

marto kart: No daisy i really think he doesnt know hes doing it

marto kart: Look at the spreadsheet!!! I think whatever is happening wasnt up to him, and i think if he knew hed feel really bad about it!!!!

daisy: .

daisy: okay

daisy: fine i can see that

daisy: but still.

marto kart: Thank you!!!

---

Georgie Barker to Jonathan Sims

Georgie Barker: ...

Georgie Barker: right

Georgie Barker: that’s a heavy one

Georgie Barker: normally i’d go “what the actual fuck” but i know where you work, and who your boss is, so i can’t rule it out

Georgie Barker: i am gonna need a bit more info on that tho

Jonathan Sims: I think one of the... powers, I suppose, that we get statements about, is somehow affecting me

Jonathan Sims: you know about Elias, and our theory that he’s aligned with the fear power of being watched, or something similar?

Georgie Barker: as tested by the great cake trials? yeah i remember that all too well

Georgie Barker: mmm i got so much leftover cake out of that

Georgie Barker: good times

Jonathan Sims: well, I think it’s claimed me as well

Georgie Barker: that makes sense i guess? it might be something to do with the institute

Georgie Barker: but what’s making you think that?

Jonathan Sims: I’m knowing things that I shouldn’t. personal things, private things, about the people I work with. the people who give statements. people I pass on the street, even. I just know these things, and I have no idea where that knowledge comes from.

Jonathan Sims: and it seems like... I can compel people? to give statements

Jonathan Sims: oh. and on that note. I think I’m somehow feeding off the statements? christ that’s such a bad way of putting it. but I get almost withdrawal symptoms when I haven’t read a statement for a while, and that cannot be good

Jonathan Sims: and... I’ve been having dreams about the statements I take. and they’re not my dreams, I think. it feels like the dreams of the people who had the encounters, like they’re reliving their trauma 

Jonathan Sims: and I have to watch it.

Georgie Barker: okay, all of that’s not great, but not as bad as i was expecting

Georgie Barker: the thing i’m not keen on is the dreams thing, but is there anything you can do in the dreams? or can you contact them somehow and let them know it’s a normal part of the process?

Jonathan Sims: that’s... not a bad idea actually

Jonathan Sims: thank you.

Georgie: for what?

Jonathan Sims: ...I mean, you believe me? and you’re not scared?

Georgie Barker: jon, i’ve known you since uni

Georgie Barker: spooky knowing is like the most you monster power ever

Georgie Barker: honestly tho i don’t think you need to worry that much about it bc you’re so fuckin awkwardly upper-middle-class polite when it comes to things like that

Georgie Barker: i mean, you’re also a rude arsehole, but only in the sense of insulting people and not going out and being actually friendly

Georgie Barker: you’re too awkward to flat-out ask people personal questions

Jonathan Sims: ...thanks, I think?

Jonathan Sims: you’re taking this remarkably in stride, I must say

Georgie Barker: you’d rather i denounce you or whatever? or run away screaming?

Jonathan Sims: well, no

Georgie Barker: there ya have it :)

Georgie Barker: besides, i keep telling you that i literally cannot feel fear

Jonathan Sims: yes, but I know you’re prone to exaggeration

Georgie Barker: love this is 100% real

Georgie Barker: ...and it actually might be related to one of your institute’s big spooky things 

Georgie Barker: i probably should tell you about it actually, even if you are gonna pop up in my dreams lol

Georgie Barker: tho you spend so much time creepily lurking whenever you come to my flat, having you creepily lurk in my dreams won’t be too much of a difference :)

Georgie Barker: but fuck it i’m not doing this over chat

Georgie Barker: come round to mine? you sound like you need wine and love from the admiral

Jonathan Sims: christ that sounds exactly like what I need

Jonathan Sims: thank you, Georgie

Georgie Barker: fab, come round when you’re finished work

Georgie Barker: i gotta ask tho

Georgie Barker: why are you telling me this? and not your coworkers who

Georgie Barker: ya know

Georgie Barker: actually deal with big spooky as much as you do

Jonathan Sims: Georgie, you don’t understand how much I cannot do that

Jonathan Sims: they’re noticing I’m getting... strange

Jonathan Sims: I don’t want them to be worried that I’m going to eat their secrets, or something

Jonathan Sims: Daisy would probably shoot me

Georgie Barker: jon you have to understand how dumb that sounds

Georgie Barker: your coworkers actually like you and would probably want to help

Georgie Barker: you should at least tell martin???? i guarantee he would do everything he possibly could to help you

Jonathan Sims: he’s the person I can’t tell most of all! Georgie! 

Jonathan Sims: he’s already concerned, and he’s keeping a note of all the times I’ve been unintentionally ominous! I can’t let him know that I’m claimed by some dread power, I don’t want him to be scared of me!

Georgie Barker: ohhhh

Georgie Barker: you poor bastard

Georgie Barker: wine, cat, my place. you might be spooky now but you’re also pining and my mate

Georgie Barker: the day you don’t care about the admiral is the day i’ll be worried about you

Jonathan Sims: I will always care about the Admiral. literally Always

Georgie Barker: and there we have it :)

---

“literal ghost hunt uk”

daisy: okay so after tea and time to properly think about it

daisy: he’s safe but i’m still going to be on my guard.

Basira Hussain: That’s all we can ask

ghost stabber: shoutout to martin for the tea and basira for talking daisy down

stonks: that was like a masterclass in hostage negotiation or smth omg

Timothy Stoker changed Basira Hussain ’s nickname to bomb defuser

bomb defuser: Oh neat, I’ll take that

daisy: are you saying i’m a bomb, stoker?

stonks: ...

daisy: bc i am in fact

daisy: *the* bomb

bomb defuser: Nice one

bomb defuser: Can confirm, she is the bomb

marto kart: For anyone who didnt see, basira and daisy just high fived

stonks: ahahaha holy fucking shit omg

stonks: i nearly shat myself

sash: yup tim was on the verge of bolting

stonks: thanks for preserving my dignity babe

sash: what dignity?

stonks: yea fair enough

marto kart: But seriously guys what are we gonna do about jon???

marto kart: We have to help him

sash: 100%

stonks: yea itd be a real shame if i got to genuinely like him and he got eaten by the el*as spooky

stonks: the eye i guess

ghost stabber: as much as i hate to admit it i’m in the same boat as tim

bomb defuser: On principle I’m in

daisy: if she’s in i’m in

daisy: and i guess that one less monster is one less monster

ghost stabber: cool, but what do we do tho?

marto kart: We have to be careful about it bc its jon

marto kart: Hes been good about it when we bring it up but im not sure he realises how much hes doing it

marto kart: And we all know what hes like

marto kart: He wont want to hear hes going spooky, nobody would, so if he can avoid talking about it he will

marto kart: But we still absolutely have to help him!!

stonks: wait i have an idea

stonks: what abt an intervention?

sash: i’m not sure that’s the best idea?

stonks: look if yall can have an intervention for me bc i put googly eyes on all the cardboard boxes in the archives we can have an intervention for the boss if hes putting his googly eyes in our heads

ghost stabber: well that sure is a way of putting it

marto kart: You know it actually might work???

marto kart: If we all make a go of it?? Show a united front, tell him whats going on and tell him were here to support him

bomb defuser: Put it in a text if you think he’ll walk out of an actual conversation

daisy: yeah and that way we’ll know exactly when he reads it

daisy: he’s not getting out of this

sash: ah shit yeah sure

marto kart: Tomorrow? I dont think we can leave this much later

daisy: tomorrow.

---

Wednesday, 9:03 A.M.

Georgie Barker to Jonathan Sims

Georgie Barker: now, we agreed you’re going to tell them today?

Jonathan Sims: it’s still a very bad idea.

Georgie Barker: i can still take away your cat privileges

Georgie Barker: all the spooky in the world cannot stop me

Jonathan Sims: why are you like this

Georgie Barker: oh imagine if i wasn’t :P

Georgie Barker: now, you’re going to tell them????

Jonathan Sims: hm.

Jonathan Sims: I suppose.

Georgie Barker: good

Jonathan Sims: I’m opening up the chat now

Georgie Barker: let me know how it goes, okay?

Georgie Barker: good luck <3

Jonathan Sims: thanks

Jonathan Sims: wait, Martin is typing?

---

“work chat with our official legal names”

house martin blackwood: Jon im sorry but this is an intervention

Timothy Stoker renamed the group “spooky intervention”

house martin blackwood: Uh thanks tim?? I guess

timetable stoker: np

rubber johnny sims: what’s going on?

house martin blackwood: Were doing this over text so you cant run away from it

house martin blackwood: Were actually really worried about you

house martin blackwood: Were not sure if youve noticed it but youre being really spooky, weve brought it up a couple of times and youve always been surprised

house martin blackwood: So weve made a spreadsheet actually

house martin blackwood: But in short youve been:

house martin blackwood: * Knowing personal things you have absolutely no right to know about, and not knowing how you know them

house martin blackwood: * Somehow making people answer direct questions

house martin blackwood: * Sometimes just saying really weird and creepy things?? Like you have some kind of Eldritch Power that occasionally just manifests

house martin blackwood: * And apparently you can lurk in peoples dreams??? Im not sure I get that one but daisy and melanie both swear youve done it so im not going to contradict them

rubber johnny sims: ...ah. yes.

house martin blackwood: Now i know you might find it hard to come to terms with this but we all want you to know that were here for you

house martin blackwood: Wait what

house martin blackwood: You already know?

rubber johnny sims: um. yes. I’ve been spending the last little while panicking about it, actually.

watermelon king: well isn’t that just typical

watermelon king: we had a whole group speech planned out and everything

rubber johnny sims: I’m sorry to spoil your plans?

rubber johnny sims: I was actually going to talk to you all about it today but you beat me to the punch

sash window james: i’m assuming this was georgie’s idea?

timetable stoker: ofc it was, since when does the bossman ever talk abt his feelings voluntarily

rubber johnny sims: ...yes it was

sash window james: love her

house martin blackwood: Okay!! This is good!!

house martin blackwood: Jon im so glad you felt comfortable to want to share this :)))

house martin blackwood: I mean georgie probably threatened you but its still a good step :))

rubber johnny sims: so what do I do about it?

rubber johnny sims: I don’t want to unload my problems onto you, but I just don’t know what to do

rubber johnny sims: the fact you all haven’t run away screaming is a good sign, though

watermelon king: i mean we literally can’t leave

rubber johnny sims: ah. there is that.

watermelon king: ...but i guess even if we could we wouldn’t

watermelon king: it doesn’t feel right to abandon u to el*as

rubber johnny sims: thank you, Melanie

rubber johnny sims: that’s... actually very helpful

rubber johnny sims: so you all think it is the same kind of Weird that El*as has?

timetable stoker: yea i found these notes from robert smirke? u know, the architect?

timetable stoker: marto send him ur spreadsheet, it sets it out so nicely

house martin blackwood: Oh good idea tim :))

house martin blackwood: sims spookiness spreadsheet.xls

rubber johnny sims: oh

rubber johnny sims: this is

rubber johnny sims: firstly, it’s a very comprehensive spreadsheet

house martin blackwood: Thanks jon!!

rubber johnny sims: secondly, Daisy, Melanie, I’m very sorry about what I did

rubber johnny sims: the dreams aren’t something I can control, but I’m trying to work on making that better. it doesn’t matter for you, now you work in the archives, but it still happened. and for what it represents about the other people I’ve taken statements from, I need to do something about it

rubber johnny sims: and Daisy, even though I didn’t know I was compelling you, it still wasn’t right that I did it, and I’m sorry

Alice Band Tonner: yeah look it wasn’t great

Alice Band Tonner: but i can recognise it wasn’t malicious

Alice Band Tonner: i’m having to work on issues of my own so i can relate, to an extent. but you still have to try and control it.

rubber johnny sims: I will.

Alice Band Tonner: good

rubber johnny sims: christ this is hard to say but

rubber johnny sims: I’d like you all to help me keep an eye on this, pun not intended

rubber johnny sims: I’m trying to control it, and I’m working on figuring out the differences in knowing things and Knowing things. I’m also working on not asking direct questions about things. also, something you don’t have in your spreadsheet is that I seem to need statements, as if I feed on them somehow? so far reading and recording the written statements seems to be enough, but it’s something you should be aware of.

rubber johnny sims: I’m not sure what I’m becoming

rubber johnny sims: but I need people around me who I can trust

rubber johnny sims: to not want to shoot me, but also to keep me anchored, I suppose. to humanity.

house martin blackwood: I think I can say for all of us that were here for you, jon

sash window james: seconded

timetable stoker: weve got u boss

watermelon king: on my part i might want to stab u at times, but it’s bc u’re a dick sometimes, not bc u’re spooky

basingstoke hussain: Yeah we’ll watch your back, Jon, me and Daisy both

rubber johnny sims: thank you. all of you, thank you

basingstoke hussain: The real person we need to be focusing on is El*as, though

basingstoke hussain: If you’re both tied to the same kind of weird, it’s not implausible to think that he’s behind it, somehow. I mean, he’s hired all of us, for some pretty opaque reasons

basingstoke hussain: Plus I hate to say it, but he has vibes

rubber johnny sims: good point. el*as merits watching.

sash window james: i’m on it

watermelon king: ohhhh boy me too

watermelon king: any excuse to get stabby

house martin blackwood: Okay i think??? We have everything sorted that we need to????

house martin blackwood: Thank you for actually listening and being a part of this, jon, i appreciate you not shutting it down

rubber johnny sims: no. thank you all for being so decent about this

rubber johnny sims: I’m. well. I’m not great at sharing things, as Georgie sees fit to constantly remind me

rubber johnny sims: all of you, and Georgie, make it easier.

rubber johnny sims: so thank you.

house martin blackwood: :)))

Timothy Stoker renamed the group “my boss is a monster and i love him So Much”

sash window james: a+ john mulaney use babe

timetable stoker: i do my best babe

---

9:49 A.M.

Jonathan Sims to Georgie Barker

Jonathan Sims: Georgie I’m in trouble again

Georgie Barker: shit

Georgie Barker: did it not go well with your coworkers?

Georgie Barker: or have you gone full spooky?

Georgie Barker: fuck tell me what i need to do

Jonathan Sims: ...no it’s the other kind of trouble

Georgie Barker: :o

Georgie Barker: omg tell me everything

Jonathan Sims: ...I confessed everything. or. well. they may have trapped me in an intervention first

Jonathan Sims: they noticed more than I gave them credit for

Georgie Barker: or you’re just shit at hiding things

Jonathan Sims: do you want to hear about this or not?

Georgie Barker: fineee my metaphorical lips are sealed

Jonathan Sims: thank you.

Jonathan Sims: long story short they took it well, even daisy, and they’re accepting me as some kind of... well, whatever this is. me plus spooky.

Jonathan Sims: and we’re going to work together to see what good we can get from it. keep me from being like Elias

Georgie Barker: that’s great! jon, that’s properly great! :)

Georgie Barker: so where’s the trouble? are you just not dealing well with having a whole 7 friends?

Jonathan Sims: it’s not that

Jonathan Sims: it’s that. after the “intervention”

Jonathan Sims: which was done over text because apparently they didn’t trust me to not walk out on them

Georgie Barker: they know you so well

Jonathan Sims: Martin came into my office

Jonathan Sims: with tea

Jonathan Sims: and he said he’d always be around to support me, if I wanted it, and he smiled at me in that Martin way, and his hand was on the mug and my hand was on the mug

Jonathan Sims: well. I put the mug down, because I have papers in my office that I absolutely cannot spill drinks on

Georgie Barker: jon you’re stalling

Jonathan Sims: in short.

Jonathan Sims: we ended up holding hands. for a while.

Georgie Barker: <33333

Georgie Barker: ahh love that’s a start! that’s such a start!

Georgie Barker: i’m so proud of you <33

Jonathan Sims: there’s no need to be so enthusiastic about it. no matter my feelings, he was just offering comfort, because I’m not entirely human anymore.

Jonathan Sims: it was a pity hand-hold.

Georgie Barker: bzzt there goes the bullshit buzzer

Georgie Barker: jon. you’re happy, and you’re trying to convince yourself you’re not

Georgie Barker: let yourself be happy

Jonathan Sims: ...maybe I am happy

Jonathan Sims: fuck Georgie Martin held my hand and I felt so human

Jonathan Sims: I don’t know what I am at the moment but christ he grounds me so much

Georgie Barker: atta boy <3

---

“operation wasteland”

Georgie Barker: so i’ve just been talking to jon

Sasha James: oh dw we were all (discreetly) snooping at his office door

Sasha James: they didn’t notice

Sasha James: managed to get this

Sasha James sent a photo

[Image ID: a grainy, zoomed-in photo of Jon and Martin sitting at Jon’s desk. Martin’s hand is on Jon’s, and they both have their eyes shut, looking content just being in each other’s presence.]

Georgie Barker: omg

Timothy Stoker: plus marto came walking out with the softest smile

Melanie King: truly fuckin sickening but if anyone deserves it i guess it’s him

Melanie King: and as much as i don’t want to care about jon i think it’ll be good for him

Georgie Barker: i love

Sasha James: operation wasteland is still a go but at least they’re taking the first steps themselves

Georgie Barker: thank fucking christ

Chapter Text

Wednesday, 11:53 A.M.

“literal ghost hunt uk”

stonks: so were all still on for beer pong after work on fri?

stonks: im calling it team bonding so i can put the beer on the institute card and if u dont like that mr bitchard u can eat my entire arse

daisy: fuck yes

bomb defuser: You are aware I don’t drink, right

stonks: ohhh shit sorry yea i should have realised

stonks: dammit the teams are gonna be lopsided

bomb defuser: Oh no that doesn’t mean I won’t be playing, it’s a warning to tell you how much we’re going to obliterate you

daisy: oh Fuck Yes

daisy: we’ve got you beat, stoker

daisy: the challenge has been set and there’s no backing out now

stonks: shit i may have miscalculated

ghost stabber: that is 100% your problem

sash: tim how did you not realise that basira + daisy + melanie are the three most competitive people in existence omg

stonks: yea i believe i have fucked up but also im the reigning beer pong champ so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

sash: also babe the table in the breakroom isn’t long enough?

stonks: oh yea i was gonna go down to artefact storage and see if we could use the cursed table

marto kart: Is that safe???

stonks: idk

stonks: but the Thing that was in the table is now in the tunnels so i guess were fine maybe?

marto kart: Christ tim you have to understand how bad that sounds

stonks: hang on let me ask spooky google

---

“my boss is a monster and i love him So Much”

timetable stoker: hey boss is the cursed table in artefact storage still cursed?

rubber johnny sims: the Web table?

timetable stoker: guess so

rubber johnny sims: hmm.

rubber johnny sims: the entity that was bound to the table has been released, but the table itself is still an artefact of the Web. I’ll admit that I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I wouldn’t look too closely at it if I were you

rubber johnny sims: remember what happened to Graham Folger

rubber johnny sims: why do you ask?

timetable stoker: we were gonna play beer pong on it after work on friday

rubber johnny sims: Tim, that’s a terrible idea.

house martin blackwood: Thank you jon!! See, tim???

timetable stoker: boooo boss ur no fun

rubber johnny sims: my job isn’t to be fun.

timetable stoker: no ur job is to be spooky google and i love that

Timothy Stoker changed Jonathan Sims ’s nickname to spooky google

timetable stoker: omg what about

Timothy Stoker changed Jonathan Sims ’s nickname to spoogle

watermelon king: nope i do Not like that

sash window james: tim.

timetable stoker: oh no

Jonathan Sims changed his nickname to Jon

timetable stoker: yea look thats fair enough

timetable stoker: didnt think that one through

Jon: that you didn’t.

timetable stoker: still 

timetable stoker: im sorry but i cant deal with normal names in this chat

Timothy Stoker changed Jonathan Sims ’s nickname to monsterboss

house martin blackwood: Tim please ://

house martin blackwood: Jon is that okay?

monsterboss: it’s a lot better than some of the other nicknames I’ve had in this chat

monsterboss: it’s accurate, at least.

house martin blackwood: Oh okay good :)))

timetable stoker: anyway u didnt answer my real q tho

timetable stoker: where should we play beer pong?

timetable stoker: the cursed table was just so perfect

basingstoke hussain: Why can’t we just put a cover over it?

timetable stoker: holy shit

timetable stoker: basira i could kiss u if daisy wouldnt murk me for it

house martin blackwood: Jon would that work?

monsterboss: ...as far as I’m aware, that would be fine

timetable stoker: yesssssssss

Alice Band Tonner: fuck yes bring it stoker

monsterboss: oh now I have regrets

---

Friday, 8:48 A.M.

“my boss is a monster and i love him So Much”

sash window james: uh oh

sash window james: fair warning all

sash window james: today is gonna be a Day

house martin blackwood: Whats up sasha?

timetable stoker: fuckhands mcmike again?

sash window james: unfortunately

sash window james: he was lurking when i got off the tube so i guess he’ll be hanging around :/

house martin blackwood: Ah no sash :(((

basingstoke hussain: Who?

sash window james: michael the distortion entity person thing

timetable stoker: hes got fuckin massive knife hands

timetable stoker: hence the name

timetable stoker: hes also got a weird laugh and a thing for our sash

sash window james: tim shut the fuck up he does Not

monsterboss: if I may interject.

monsterboss: you said he didn’t care if the rest of us lived or died, but he told you that he wanted to be friends.

monsterboss: I have you saying that on tape, Sasha

sash window james: fuck

timetable stoker: love u boss 

timetable stoker: a class act, theydies and gentlethem

timetable stoker: says 0 in the chat for days then comes back to drop that one

monsterboss: I do my best

house martin blackwood: :)))

monsterboss: ah yes I’ve just gone in and there appears to be a second breakroom door

monsterboss: you all know the rules, I assume

basingstoke hussain: Don’t touch the door?

basingstoke hussain: We’re not stupid, Jon.

monsterboss: I’ve learnt it’s wisest to take precautions. he stabbed me once.

watermelon king: omg i need to meet this guy and shake him by the hand

sash window james: trust me melanie you do Not

---

10:35 A.M.

house martin blackwood: Went to put the kettle on and it looks like the doors gone guys :))

house martin blackwood: Not quite sure if thats a good sign or a bad one but hopefully hes just got bored and moved on

sash window james: thanks for the update!

house martin blackwood: Anyway the kettles on if anyone wants to come through for a cuppa :)))

sash window james: oh cheers!

---

1:09 P.M.

watermelon king: okay so i went to tesco to get some pot noodle bc Someone stole my last one out of the kitchen cupboard 

watermelon king: (and when i find out who that was they will pay for their crimes)

watermelon king: (i’m not mad enough about it to get jon to Know but be warned if it happens again i will not hesitate)

timetable stoker: melanie babe u earn an actual salary

timetable stoker: u can afford actual food that tastes of food, not just salt and student poverty

watermelon king: don't judge me, sometimes only pot noodle hits the spot

watermelon king: actually u of all people cannot judge me bc i have seen u dip chips in yoghurt and enjoy it u fucking heathen

timetable stoker: that was One time

sash window james: oh babe we both know it wasn’t

timetable stoker: okay maybe i cant deny that but i can at least ignore it

sash window james: jon, what's the real count on tim's heinous attitude towards food? 

monsterboss: he's done it 11 times in the archives.

monsterboss: christ, Tim

monsterboss: of all the pieces of information I’ve been able to Know, that’s the one I regret the most.

timetable stoker: bosssssss :(

timetable stoker: thats workplace bullying im p sure

Alice Band Tonner: ew stoker what the fuck

timetable stoker: look its the combo of sweet and salty and hot and cold and crunchy and smooth?? its a transcendent experience and its not my fault if none of u are on my level

basingstoke hussain: Nope that’s still disgusting

watermelon king: agreed but aNyWaY tim’s food crimes are not the point

watermelon king: the point is that even tho the door is gone, there was a blonde dude lurking outside when i left and he was still there when i came back

watermelon king: and he looked normal enough but he just had massively creepy Vibes

watermelon king: is that

sash window james: yup :/

Alice Band Tonner: right.

Alice Band Tonner: i'll be back in a minute

---

1:16 P.M.

house martin blackwood: Im at reception picking something up from rosie and uh

house martin blackwood: Did i just hear daisy go out and yell "oi piss off you blonde fuck" at michael????

timetable stoker: if u have to ask u already know the answer

house martin blackwood: Omg what an icon

basingstoke hussain: Did it work, Daisy?

Alice Band Tonner: no

Alice Band Tonner: he just smiled at me and seemed to loiter even more creepily

Alice Band Tonner: if i was still police i’d arrest him for malicious loitering

Alice Band Tonner: probably wouldn’t do anything but it’d make me feel better

Alice Band Tonner: i wanted to punch him but even i could tell that would have been a bad idea

Alice Band Tonner: he seemed... sharp

sash window james: good call

sash window james: funnily enough he is sharp! you can’t see it to look at him straight on, usually, but if you see him in a reflection or something, tim wasn’t exaggerating! his hands are literally sharp and massive!

Alice Band Tonner: cool

Alice Band Tonner: still reckon i could take him though

basingstoke hussain: Dais I don't doubt you but also please don't do that

Alice Band Tonner: killjoy

---

2:57 P.M.

_____
|        |
|     o |
|        |
|_____|

---

3:06 P.M.

Alice Band Tonner: what the fuck is that

watermelon king: looks like a door

Alice Band Tonner: no shit

watermelon king: okay then, clarification:

watermelon king: it's a shitty typed-out door

bomb defuser: Hmm it moves with my screen when I scroll?

sash window james: oh fuck

sash window james: nobody click it i'm dead serious

basingstoke hussain: Fuckhands McMike I presume? 

timetable stoker: got it in one

house martin blackwood: Hes never done this before which is Concerning

watermelon king: seriously tho isn't there a door emoji?

watermelon king: legit who the fuck types these things out anymore this isn't a fuckin early 2010s youtube comment section

🚪

watermelon king: uh yep that’s it

house martin blackwood: This is uh

house martin blackwood: Very not good

monsterboss: it’s clearly able to hear this conversation. I’d suggest you move into one of your other group chats as a precaution

house martin blackwood: Good idea jon!!

---

“literal ghost hunt uk”

Martin Blackwood renamed the group “No creepy doors allowed”

stonks: okay well lets ignore the bossman Knowing about the other chats

marto kart: Agreed

marto kart: So... what do we do?

marto kart: Apart from obviously not engage with it

sash: that’s probably the best option

sash: he’ll get bored eventually

bomb defuser: That normally how it works?

sash: yeah

bomb defuser: So it’s back to business as usual, then?

stonks: probs

stonks: hang on let me put on my jon voice

stonks: even though there is a spooky spiral man lurking outside, I expect you to get on with your regular archives work. I will be muting this chat so I can record statements without distraction. om nom nom spooky statement lunch.

ghost stabber: omg uncanny

stonks: thx

sash: we probably should get back to work though

stonks: ew

Timothy Stoker changed Sasha James ’s nickname to substitute boss

substitute boss: glad you recognise my ultimate authority, timbo :)

---

3:45 P.M.

ghost stabber: ugh i'm bored

ghost stabber: is the door still there in the other chat?

---

“my boss is a monster and i love him So Much”

🚪

---

“No creepy doors allowed”

bomb defuser: Yep

substitute boss: ugh

bomb defuser: I mean the most practical solution would be for you to tell him to leave, Sasha

bomb defuser: You said he listens to you, right?

substitute boss: hell no i’m not interacting with him any more than is absolutely necessary

stonks: babe pls for all our sakes

substitute boss: besides he might have dug a worm out of my shoulder but that doesn't mean he listens to me

marto kart: Fuck worms

ghost stabber: fuck worms

bomb defuser: Fuck worms

daisy: fuck worms

stonks: fuck worms 

substitute boss: fuck worms forever and ever amen

stonks: anyway i cant deal with anymore statement followup so im off to spend bitchards money on booze

stonks: back in 15

---

3:51 P.M.

Timothy Stoker added Martin Blackwood and Sasha James to the group

Timothy Stoker renamed the group “spitty tea squad aka future beer pong CHAMPIONS”

Sasha James: oh no

Timothy Stoker: no shut up ive had the best idea

Timothy Stoker: sash ur gonna hate it but its the best way we can win

Martin Blackwood: Go on...?

Timothy Stoker: okay so u know how basira doesnt drink

Timothy Stoker: which is massively unfair for beer pong and shes not gonna bow out

Timothy Stoker: theres a v familiar blonde figure who is Still hanging round the institute who just so coincidentally happens to fuck u up as part of his whole deal

Sasha James: i don’t like where this is heading

Timothy Stoker: can u get him to come along?

Sasha James: uhhhhh let me think about that one

Sasha James: Fuck No

Timothy Stoker: pleaseeeee sash ill do anything

Martin Blackwood: Tim you know thats a mistake omg

Timothy Stoker: i dont care

Timothy Stoker: we have to uphold the og archives gang honour

Sasha James: hmmm

Sasha James: anything?

Timothy Stoker: anything.

Sasha James: ...alright then

Sasha James: i’m still not going out to talk to him tho, the others will get suspicious

🚪

Sasha James: ah.

Sasha James: well that solves that

Sasha James: hang on let me check something first

---

Sasha James to Basira Hussain

Sasha James: heyyyy basira

Sasha James: if, theoretically, we found something that temporarily mimics the effects of alcohol but without you having to consume it

Sasha James: would you accept that as a substitute for beer in beer pong?

Basira Hussain: I suppose...

Basira Hussain: On personal grounds, it’s fine, but seeing as we’re changing the agreed rules of the contest, I’m going to have to check with my team

Sasha James: hey the rules are already unfair if you don’t drink

Basira Hussain: Yeah, but we’re competitive

Sasha James: booo

Basira Hussain: Okay, I’ve asked around and it’ll be fine

Basira Hussain: We’ll still beat you anyway >:)

Sasha James: oho we’ll see about that >:)

---

“spitty tea squad aka future beer pong CHAMPIONS”

Sasha James: okay basira’s cool with it

Sasha James: i’m gonna click it

Martin Blackwood: Good luck!!!

🚪

Sasha James: uh, hi?

h̸͈͐e̸̟͆l̷͚͌l̵̻̇ơ̴̙,̴̳̐ ̸̘̒s̴̼̎a̶̙̔ś̶̪ḣ̷̖a̶̤̍

Sasha James: christ i’m already having regrets

ÿ̶͕́o̶̦̓ṷ̵̑ ̷̘̇c̸͍̉a̴̢̔m̷̬̅e̷̳͛ ̴̞͒t̴̻̑o̵̤̓ ̶̘̏m̸̳͝ẹ̶̛

Sasha James: unfortunately, that i did

Sasha James: as much as i hate to say it, we actually need your help

t̵̹̓h̸͖̐ė̴̤ ̴̜̆l̷͉̚ḭ̵̊t̸͎͊t̸̟͋l̵̪̎ë̸̖́ ̶́ͅa̶͂ͅȑ̷̫c̵͉̈́h̷̻͋i̶̪̾v̵̳͊i̴̘̊ṣ̵͠t̴̪̕s̴͖͛ ̸̜͌n̶̢̚e̸͓͘e̷̱͝d̶̮̒ ̴͍̈́ṃ̶̉ỹ̷͕ ̶̖̉h̸̭̀ȇ̷̪l̸̜̊p̵͍̓?̴̗̌ ̷̳͘h̴̠̀o̷̘͐w̶̛̩ ̸̻̓n̵͉̓o̵̦̕v̷͚̀ë̸͇́l̶͔̊!̸͙̑ ̵̠̓a̵̧̍ḧ̶͍́a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥á̵̦ḫ̴̦̏ͅà̶͇̥͈h̸̗̓̃͐̆͒a̴̫̪̣̰̔h̵̡̘̲̘̰̋̊a̷̜͚̰̩̠͛̈́̅̿͋̒̈́̍̍̈́̒̔h̸̡͎̺̦͓͕̗̬̟̞̩̖̲̦͚͆̋̊̆͗͜ͅa̴̛̞̫͇̗̺͗̂̈́̍̒̈́̾͂͆̐͑

Sasha James: fuck tim i hope the beer pong is worth it

Timothy Stoker: oh it will be i promise

b̵͇́e̵̞̳̒̃ḛ̷̌ͅr̵̩̺̔͐ ̵̭̱͐p̸̝̫͝ǫ̴̛n̴͉̹̚g̴̰͗?̵̼̄͘

Sasha James: yeah, that’s why we need your help

Sasha James: are you able to control your reality distortion powers? to mess with someone’s perception temporarily?

Sasha James: without driving them completely mad, i mean

y̵͙̙̒̄e̷̢̱͝š̸͖̺

w̶̨̥̽̉ẖ̸͘y̶̠̲͆?̵̺̕

Sasha James: because we’re going to play beer pong with the rest of the archives staff and one of the people on the other team doesn’t drink

Sasha James: so we were hoping you could create the effect without the alcohol

i̷̱ ̷̯͒̕ͅc̷̠͇̚͝ȯ̸̦̲͘ư̸̟̽l̴͕͠d̴͉̋̀ ̵͈̊ḏ̵̡̈́̂ō̵͇ ̴̮͛t̵̞̔h̷̗̹̆ȁ̴͎t̴̯̂

b̷͇̜͛̉u̷̞̫͒t̶̨̬̊ ̴̪̠w̵̟̌h̵͍͉͗͆y̸̰̐ ̴̖̳͆͂s̸̳̆h̴͓̋ȯ̸̯u̷̗̓̚l̶̯͕̓d̴̡̲͘ ̷̯̙̃ǐ̸̹ ̸̡̓̂h̸͇͙͋̆e̸͕͇̒́l̶̮̱͘p̸͍͊̀ ̷̠̪͝y̴̰͈̽ọ̴̇͝ṵ̴̆̑?̴͇̟̃͛

Timothy Stoker: bc u like us and want us to win at beer pong?

n̴̛̘̓o̵̯͂

Timothy Stoker: hey i thought u have a thing for sash

n̴̛̘̓o̵̯͂

y̴̧̒̈o̸̳̦͋͊ú̴̪r̵͔̱̕e̸̩̔ ̸̺͑̑ẹ̴̣͑n̵͑͐͜t̶̨̥̓e̶̠͋r̷̞̲̔̚t̴̬̃â̵̬i̷̥͈̒ň̵̤̔i̸̥̕n̶͍̝̉̚g̶͙̝̽ ̸͚͇̀̚b̴̮͋u̴̫̓t̷̺͓̊ ̴̧̛̂t̵̖͋̿ͅh̵̟̳͒̿a̵̞̓t̷̟̂͜s̴͖̎̓ ̴̤̚ͅă̶̟̟l̵͕̉l̸̦̗̈́

h̶͖̏e̶̹͠ľ̸̙̚e̶͕̦͗n̷͇̈́ ̵̪͚̑d̴̹̙͑̈o̵͍͗͗e̶̘̊̑s̵͚̄,̶͍̌͠ ̴̦̓̋t̴̫͖͊h̸̻̳̆o̵͕u̵̘̼͌̐ģ̴̈͝h̵͍̏

Timothy Stoker: well thats a development

Sasha James: tim oh my god

a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥á̵̦ḫ̴̦̏ͅà̶͇̥͈h̸̗̓̃͐̆͒a̴̫̪̣̰̔h̵̡̘̲̘̰̋̊a̷̜͚̰̩̠͛̈́̅̿͋̒̈́̍̍̈́̒̔h̸̡͎̺̦͓͕̗̬̟̞̩̖̲̦͚͆̋̊̆͗͜ͅa̴̛̞̫͇̗̺͗̂̈́̍̒̈́̾͂͆̐͑

Timothy Stoker: but arent u the same somehow?

Timothy Stoker: i dont fuckin understand how u guys work

í̸̙̂ ̵̹̮̇a̸̖̔ͅm̵̼̭̆ ̸͖̯̍̒t̶̛ͅh̴̺͐e̷̬͌͒ ̶͔͎͂̐d̶͈͐̄ḭ̴̈́s̸̗̀͘t̶̞̃õ̷͈̘̑r̵͕͈͒̅t̶̩͊ĩ̶̮̥̈́o̶͠ͅn̵͇̆̐ ̷̳̊͝a̶̤̔͆n̶̫̑̈́d̶͍̲̈́͠ ̵̝̎h̷͈͎̿͠e̵̽ͅl̷͓̎è̴̱n̷͍͗ ̶͙̼͌i̶̤͎̅͋š̴̭ ̶̳̅ț̴̟h̷̜͔̿͘e̸̼̣̍ ̶̥̊d̴̟͝͠ḭ̵̓s̶̗͈͌̊t̶͚̱͋͝ö̸̙r̴͚̠͛t̴̳́̚i̶̲̖̍̆o̶̩̓n̸̝͂̓ ̷͖̾b̶̪̦̓ù̴͈͚t̸̯̚ ̶̝̣̓͒i̶̙͎ ̸̪͉̄͠ạ̷͂̽m̸̦͚͛͝ ̶̘͙͂n̴̗̼͐ỏ̵̧ͅt̴̡̹̕̕ ̴̥̔ẖ̷̨̏̓e̸̡̗̿̓l̴͇̫̂͋e̶̳̒ǹ̶̠

Timothy Stoker: still dont understand it but thats cool i guess

Sasha James: okay, but would you do it to get to know us better?

s̷͉̿t̷̹͚̕̚ĩ̵̯̈́l̵͙̮̿l̶̜̉̆ ̷̦̾͋n̷̳̽o̸̟̙̿

Martin Blackwood: Or just because itll be fun?

Martin Blackwood: Well be getting off the shits drunk probably and thats always a good time :))

Martin Blackwood: Also itll probably piss off el*as so thats another plus :))

a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥á̵̦ḫ̴̦̏ͅà̶͇̥͈h̸̗̓̃͐̆͒a̴̫̪̣̰̔h̵̡̘̲̘̰̋̊a̷̜͚̰̩̠͛̈́̅̿͋̒̈́̍̍̈́̒̔h̸̡͎̺̦͓͕̗̬̟̞̩̖̲̦͚͆̋̊̆͗͜ͅa̴̛̞̫͇̗̺͗̂̈́̍̒̈́̾͂͆̐͑

h̸̫͍͋͌ṃ̷͝

a̶̝̔l̴̪̓͜r̴̡͓̐̕i̷̢̺̚g̶̯̼͒h̷͚̆t̸̲̓͠

Martin Blackwood: :DDDD

Timothy Stoker: yessss fuckin ace

Timothy Stoker: id hi five u but u know

Timothy Stoker: knife hands

t̶̨̹̽ĥ̵͔a̸̗͛͜t̷̝̐s̷͓͙̚ ̵͓͒ř̵͙̟ḯ̵͙̮͑g̵̛̦h̸̲t̶̺̬͘

Sasha James: you will behave, though, won’t you?

t̸͇͠o̴̹͐͑ ̷͓̾ǎ̴͇͜n̵͉̕ ̴̪̽̈́e̶̱͊x̷̞̋̿͜t̶̯̗͒̕ę̴̉n̸̟͇̔͛t̵̟̕ͅ

Sasha James: jesus i’ve got such a bad feeling about this

Sasha James: you and melanie and daisy and michael together holy fuck

Sasha James: it’s going to be insane

a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥á̵̦ḫ̴̦̏ͅà̶͇̥͈h̸̗̓̃͐̆͒a̴̫̪̣̰̔h̵̡̘̲̘̰̋̊a̷̜͚̰̩̠͛̈́̅̿͋̒̈́̍̍̈́̒̔h̸̡͎̺̦͓͕̗̬̟̞̩̖̲̦͚͆̋̊̆͗͜ͅa̴̛̞̫͇̗̺͗̂̈́̍̒̈́̾͂͆̐͑

i̶̲͆̒t̴̛͎͒ ̵̮́̀w̸̡̙̉͝i̴̦͠l̸̬̜̐̌l̸̬̳͋͌ ̵͙̣̔b̶͍̤͝ẻ̶̱ ̴̹̤͌͌f̷͈͚̉̊ȗ̶͜ͅṇ̴̬͆͑

Sasha James: big fucking yikes

Sasha James: anyway, come round at 5:30ish, michael? i mean, manifest your creepy door or whatever? we should have the table and everything set up by then

a̶̝̔l̴̪̓͜r̴̡͓̐̕i̷̢̺̚g̶̯̼͒h̷͚̆t̸̲̓͠

ȉ̵̼͂ ̷̎̾ͅl̶͖̉o̵͕͌o̵̧̞̎ḱ̶̯͋ ̶̆͗ͅf̴͓̎͂ǒ̴͓̼͝r̴͖͗̓ẉ̶̒a̵̭͊͘r̶̲̽d̷͈̄͠ ̴͚̟́t̵̛̫͈o̶̺̓̅ͅ ̷̩̯̉ḯ̶̡ẗ̸̰!̵̜́

i̷͇̐̔ ̴̳͍̄k̴̹̇ͅn̸͙̳͒̀e̷̛̩͠w̷͈̞͐͐ ̷̫͋͆s̶̖͉̋͗o̶̖͕͒̑m̷͉͌̚e̷̦͝ṭ̶̌̃h̵̟̩i̶̭͐̔ṅ̴̤̈́g̶̢̼̎ ̷͚̼̒͋i̸̢̛͋n̸̳̆͝ť̵̤̼ë̷̫́r̶̰̪̆̚ḙ̵̅s̵͚̲̎͌ṭ̶̋̊ḭ̷̳͆͐n̷̤͎͆g̸̡͕̉̚ ̷̙̊ẇ̸̡̼͠a̴̙͐̆s̷̮̼͌͘ ̶̮͚̀̓ģ̵̖̽o̵̧̙͠i̴̤̐n̷̤͈̕ģ̵͕̐ ̵͚́̆t̵̜̥͘ö̶̤ ̸̫͇̔̐ȟ̵̙̪a̷̧͜͝p̸͔̚͝p̴̟͂͜e̶͕͊n̷̩̤͝ ̸̡͕͋́i̵̎͜n̶̲͓̔ ̴̺̖̿͝t̴̺̄h̸̘͗͐ė̸̪̩̃ ̸͕͓̂̈́a̸͇̎̊r̷͖̹͌̿ć̶͔̄͜h̴̤i̴̯̽v̷̟̀ȇ̸̩͝ş̷͉̏ ̴̛͎̉t̴̘̗̽̏o̶̧̰̕d̵̲͛̚å̷̬̙y̴͔̓ ̴̲͐ȃ̸̲̃n̸͈̔d̸̛̥̆ ̵̘̳̈́ẙ̵̩̈o̸̠̳̕u̶͚̔̚ ̷͓̱͒d̸̺̉̈́i̸̧̓͗d̴̘̖̓ṋ̵̢̂ẗ̶̨̥̎ ̶̻̙͋ḏ̷̛̐i̸̼̽s̵̲̤͋a̸̧͆p̵̂͋ͅp̶͔̝̎͑o̴̧̳͂̔į̷͊n̸͓̄̉t̸̙̖͊

Timothy Stoker: hell yea main man michael

Martin Blackwood: Well this is sure going to be interesting ://

Martin Blackwood: Im going to talk to jon about a backup plan just in case though

Sasha James: good idea

Martin Blackwood: :))

---

Martin Blackwood to Jonathan Sims

Martin Blackwood: Um, jon?

Martin Blackwood: Weve invited michael to beer pong because basira doesnt drink

Jonathan Sims: you haven’t.

Jonathan Sims: oh. you really have. 

Jonathan Sims: christ.

Jonathan Sims: Martin, you should know how bad an idea that is

Martin Blackwood: He seems okay, in a weird sort of way???

Martin Blackwood: And hes said hell behave

Jonathan Sims: and I suppose it would give El*as a coronary if he knew we’d willingly invited a manifestation of another power into the archives.

Martin Blackwood: Yes exactly!!! :))

Martin Blackwood: So i was just wondering if

Martin Blackwood: And i know you werent planning on staying for beer pong but

Jonathan Sims: yes, I’ll stay and keep an eye on him.

Jonathan Sims: pun not intended.

Jonathan Sims: also I’m not exactly averse to spending time with you after work

Jonathan Sims: with you all! I mean

Martin Blackwood: Oh yeah of course!!

Martin Blackwood: Im really glad you feel that way jon :)))

Martin Blackwood: Its nice being friends with you :))

Jonathan Sims: yes. I feel the same way

Jonathan Sims: anyway. I have statements to record, so. I’ll get on with that.

Martin Blackwood: Oh don’t let me keep you!! Well i guess ill see you later for beer pong, if youre not done before then :))

Jonathan Sims: yes. see you then.

---

5:28 P.M.

“my boss is a monster and i love him So Much”

timetable stoker: alright lads, gather round

timetable stoker: this is it

timetable stoker: the stage is set, the pieces are in place, michael is here, the cursed table is hopefully uncursed enough for us to get a good game out of it

timetable stoker: let the great beer pong championship begin!

Chapter Text

Friday, 5:31 P.M.

Jonathan Sims to Georgie Barker

Jonathan Sims: oh, Georgie

Jonathan Sims: my coworkers are being Chaotic again

Jonathan Sims: even more so than usual

Georgie Barker: intriguing

Georgie Barker: i thought we were at the point where you took part in the chaos, rather than texting me to complain about it

Georgie Barker: so this has to be very bad

Georgie Barker: or very good

Georgie Barker: go on

Jonathan Sims: yes, it’s one of those.

Jonathan Sims: I’m not sure which, yet

Georgie Barker: i can help you decide if you let me know what’s going on

Georgie Barker: hint hint

Jonathan Sims: they’re playing beer pong

Georgie Barker: oh that doesn’t sound too bad?

Jonathan Sims: on a table that is an artefact of one dread power, and was used as the prison of another

Jonathan Sims: (Tim found a tarp somewhere to cover it with, so we don’t all get drawn in by the pattern, and Melanie found a box to fill up the hole in the middle)

Jonathan Sims: and because Basira doesn’t drink, Tim, Sasha and Martin asked Michael, an avatar of the Spiral, to come and basically make her drunk without her having to drink.

Georgie Barker: that sounds amazing

Georgie Barker: but you’ll have to explain “avatar of the spiral” for me, an Uneducated Plebeian who doesn’t haunt the halls of spooky

Jonathan Sims: sorry, forgot you don’t actually work here

Jonathan Sims: I’ll have to send you Martin’s spreadsheet later, it’s quite a comprehensive account of everything that’s been going on, it includes a breakdown Tim found of the different broad types of real phenomena that we deal with

Georgie Barker: the flavours of spooky?

Jonathan Sims: I mean

Jonathan Sims: that’s an incredibly simplistic view

Georgie Barker: am i wrong

Jonathan Sims: ...well, no.

Jonathan Sims: but anyway, Michael is a human(ish) manifestation of pure madness, the fear that your mind is lying to you

Jonathan Sims: with the reality-warping powers to boot

Georgie Barker: oh my god

Georgie Barker: and he’s sitting in on beer pong?

Jonathan Sims: he seems to find us entertaining, or so he claims

Georgie Barker: that’s kinda good kinda concerning

Jonathan Sims: yes.

Jonathan Sims: he stabbed me once

Georgie Barker: he hwat

Georgie Barker: jon

Jonathan Sims: but in the grand scheme of things it was only a little stab

Jonathan Sims: a friendly one

Georgie Barker: fuck me

Georgie Barker: your life is something else, if you’re able to say “oh yeah it was a friendly stab”

Jonathan Sims: apparently so

Jonathan Sims: so I’ve been drafted in to make sure he doesn’t completely fuck up the archives

Jonathan Sims: seeing as this seems to be my little patch of occult territory, and all that

Georgie Barker: ...and it’s safe to let him in?

Jonathan Sims: I’m... not sure

Jonathan Sims: but what I do know is that if Elias ever finds out, he’ll hate it

Jonathan Sims: so that seemed like as good a reason as any to do it

Georgie Barker: ...i guess

Jonathan Sims: anyway, part of the reason for my messaging you is to ask a favour

Georgie Barker: shoot :)

Jonathan Sims: can you keep an eye on me, if I keep talking to you during beer pong? just to make sure that I’m not getting affected by whatever Michael does

Georgie Barker: sure!

Jonathan Sims: thanks.

Georgie Barker: pangrams?

Jonathan Sims: that sounds good

Jonathan Sims: oh, Basira just sunk a cup!

Jonathan Sims: that’s what it’s called, right? sinking?

Georgie Barker: aw love

Georgie Barker: yeah that’s it

Georgie Barker: well, give me the stats on the teams

Georgie Barker: i know you’re a stats man

Jonathan Sims: right. team one is Tim, Sasha and Martin, calling themselves the “spitty tea squad”

Jonathan Sims: Tim: accuracy (sober) 7/10; accuracy (drunk) 4/10; alcohol tolerance 7/10; determination to win 9/10

Jonathan Sims: a solid beer pong player, with a technique and alcohol tolerance built up over years of student drinking games

Jonathan Sims: Sasha: accuracy (sober) 9/10; accuracy (drunk) 3/10; tolerance 6/10; determination 6/10

Jonathan Sims: unerring accuracy while sober, but when the beer kicks in, it drops severely

Jonathan Sims: Martin: accuracy (sober) 6/10; accuracy (drunk) 5/10; tolerance 3/10; determination 7/10

Jonathan Sims: his tolerance is offset by the fact that his accuracy doesn’t drop too much when he’s drunk. however, it’s still only solid middle ground

Jonathan Sims: and on the other team, we have Basira, Daisy and Melanie, aka “kill bill elias”

Jonathan Sims: Melanie: accuracy (sober) 8/10; accuracy (drunk) 4/10; tolerance 6/10; determination 9/10

Jonathan Sims: she definitely wants to win, and her tolerance is decent, but much like Sasha, when the beer hits, it hits hard

Jonathan Sims: Daisy: accuracy (sober) 5/10; accuracy (drunk) 4/10; tolerance 9/10; determination 10/10

Jonathan Sims: Daisy has only been drunk once in her life, her tolerance is phenomenal, but her accuracy leaves something to be desired

Jonathan Sims: Basira: accuracy (sober) 8/10; accuracy (drunk) ???; tolerance ???; determination 8/10

Jonathan Sims: Basira is typically meant to be the ace in the hole because she doesn’t drink, but that won’t apply in this game

Jonathan Sims: the introduction of Michael into the game is very much a wildcard move, and despite my misgivings, I’m very interested to see how it’ll affect proceedings

Georgie Barker: that was an incredibly detailed breakdown

Georgie Barker: i have never seen so many semicolons in a set of text messages

Georgie Barker: winky faces aside

Jonathan Sims: ah, yes

Jonathan Sims: you’re friends with Tim, too

Georgie Barker: ayup

Jonathan Sims: Sasha got one!

Georgie Barker: ayee sasha :D

Jonathan Sims: it’s all going smoothly, surprisingly

Jonathan Sims: just a normal game of beer pong, I suppose

Jonathan Sims: even though there is an avatar of the Spiral sitting quietly in the corner and grinning

Georgie Barker: yikes

Jonathan Sims: the fact that he hasn’t done anything yet is concerning me more than anything he could do

Jonathan Sims: right I’m going to get a beer myself, if I’m not playing I at least need something

Jonathan Sims: if my karaoke performance is anything to go by, I’m apparently just as “spooky” when drunk as when sober

Georgie Barker: wahey go jon! 

Jonathan Sims: i now have beer, and during the process of getting it, Melanie sunk a cup

Georgie Barker: tell her i’m cheering for her!

Jonathan Sims: have done, she says thanks but the spitty tea squad booed

Georgie Barker: ah i know they love me, we’re all g

Jonathan Sims: ...oh no

Georgie Barker: what?

Jonathan Sims: the ball bounced off the table and rolled towards Michael’s door

Jonathan Sims: and went in.

Jonathan Sims: and Michael retrieved it

Jonathan Sims: I suppose it’s now a chaos ball.

Jonathan Sims: ...and I supposed right

Jonathan Sims sent a video

[Video ID: Tim tosses the ball, and it bounces wildly across the table, even doing a loop-the-loop at one point, before landing in a cup with a splash. There’s a cheer from Martin, Tim and Sasha, and Basira looks resigned. The video ends in a crackle of distorted static as someone out of shot starts laughing.]

Georgie Barker: ahahaha omg that ball is fab

Georgie Barker: but what the fuck was that noise at the end

Jonathan Sims: Michael.

Georgie Barker: jesus

Jonathan Sims: indeed

Jonathan Sims: Basira has to "drink" now. 

Jonathan Sims: ...and she appears fine, thankfully

Jonathan Sims: christ I’ve been so on edge through all of this

Jonathan Sims: but I will admit that the beer is helping

Georgie Barker: that’s good, but stay alert?

Jonathan Sims: yes, boss

Jonathan Sims: ...oh no

Jonathan Sims: did I tell you that Tim brought a speaker?

Jonathan Sims: well, he did

Jonathan Sims: a bluetooth speaker, and he’s been playing what is apparently called the “hot meme playlist extra fire remix”

Jonathan Sims: you can imagine what’s on it for yourself

Georgie Barker: oh god

Jonathan Sims: exactly

Jonathan Sims: but Tim just said, very loudly 

Jonathan Sims: “I’m getting a bit over this, let’s play something better”

Jonathan Sims: he just sang along to Take On Me, complete with dubious falsetto, at the top of his lungs

Jonathan Sims: and he gave me a Look when he said that

Jonathan Sims: he’s not changing the music because he’s bored

Jonathan Sims: it only means one thing.

Jonathan Sims: they've found the old mechanisms recordings. 

Jonathan Sims: fuck.

Georgie Barker: omgggg that’s fantastic

Jonathan Sims: Georgie I come to you for support

Georgie Barker: lol don't worry i’m sure they’re gonna love the mechs

Jonathan Sims: even so, they don’t need to know that their boss used to moonlight as a space pirate

Georgie Barker: oh love as if they didn't find the clips months ago

Jonathan Sims: ah, fuck

Jonathan Sims: "research"

Jonathan Sims: I knew they were on Youtube during work hours for a reason

Georgie Barker: omg

Jonathan Sims: hm I'd give you an update on the scores but Michael has said that the usual beer pong setup "isn't good enough" and is now rearranging the cups into a fractal pattern so I have No Idea who’s winning and how much has been drunk

Jonathan Sims: it looks quite good actually

Jonathan Sims: I wonder where he's getting the very tiny cups from

Georgie Barker: how much of that beer have you had?

Jonathan Sims: enough

Georgie Barker: valid

Georgie Barker: pangram test?

Jonathan Sims: the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog

Georgie Barker: normal choice of pangram spelt correctly, without autocorrect munting it. you’re good

Jonathan Sims: good

Jonathan Sims: oh no hang on

---

6:21 P.M.

Jonathan Sims: I’m back, had to stop Michael from impregnating on one of the artefacts

Georgie Barker: i’m Sorry?

Jonathan Sims: *imprinting!

Jonathan Sims: autocorrect once again fucks me over

Jonathan Sims: what I prevented was less sexual and more spooky

Georgie Barker: i never thought i’d say this, but thank god it was spooky

Jonathan Sims: indeed

Georgie Barker: pangram test?

Jonathan Sims: fine

Jonathan Sims: sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow

Georgie Barker: okay, you’re still doing good

Georgie Barker: very funky pangram tho, so i’m gonna take that as a sign you’re having a bit of fun

Jonathan Sims: you could say that

Jonathan Sims: even Michael has started on the beer

Georgie Barker: ...is that having any noticeable effect on him?

Jonathan Sims: I honestly couldn’t tell you

Georgie Barker: am i gonna have to pick you all up, then? not just melanie?

Georgie Barker: she did say she might be having a bit of a night lol

Jonathan Sims: you’re picking up Melanie?

Georgie Barker: um

Georgie Barker: yeah

Jonathan Sims: why are you

Jonathan Sims: oh

Jonathan Sims: congratulations?

Georgie Barker: it’s still very new and tentative so we’re not telling many people yet, but thanks :)

Georgie Barker: guess we couldn’t hide it from you of all people for long :P

Jonathan Sims: for what it’s worth, I think you’ll be good for each other

Georgie Barker: :)

Georgie Barker: now we just gotta work on helping you out, you single pringle

Jonathan Sims: oh no

🚪

Georgie Barker: what’s that?

Jonathan Sims: something even more oh no than you trying to matchmake

Jonathan Sims: don’t click it, whatever you do

Georgie Barker: ...too late

h̴̝̐ẹ̴͛l̶̰̍l̷̡ŏ̴̡,̴͕ ̷̢͝ā̴ͅr̶̰̄c̷̪͋h̵̙i̸̘͗v̸̪͐i̴͑ͅs̴̡̕t̵̬͠!̵͖̉

̵̜̍ä̸̡́n̸̡̽ḓ̸͂ ̸̭̅f̸͚̈́r̶̦͠ǐ̷͓e̵̜͑n̷̗͒d̷̤̀

̵̟̔j̶͚̑ơ̸̠ņ̷̛,̷̨̍ ̸͕͑ḓ̶̃ȏ̴̼n̷̙̈́’̷̹̄t̸̘͆ ̶̭̂b̴̀ͅe̸͕͒ ̶̉͜ȑ̷̗ủ̶̟d̷̞e̶̞̊,̶̠̈ ̷͎̔ÿ̸̟́o̴̢̚ǔ̶͇ ̸̙͗s̵͗͜h̸̠͂o̴̹̍ư̷̳l̷̠͋ď̶̰ ̸̪̂i̴̘n̴̞̕t̸̯͐r̶͕̊o̶̮ḍ̸͋u̶̪͝c̴͚̽e̶̟̔ ̸͙̓m̵̪͝e̴͈̓ ̸̯̏t̴̤̊o̶͋ͅ ̵̤̿ȳ̸͕ȯ̸̮u̷̟̇r̵̻͊ ̷̬̂f̴̛̬r̵͓̆ḭ̶̅e̵͎̾n̵͍̏d̴̨!̷̟͘

Georgie Barker: wait what the fuck

Georgie Barker: is this michael?

Georgie Barker: but if he’s playing beer pong with you guys...?

y̷͇̅o̸͕̽u̸̥͛’̸̬͐ř̶̜e̸̙͝ ̸̧̋p̵̨͠a̵̯͝r̴̗̈́t̴̤̑l̸̺y̶̛̝ ̶̤͌r̷͖̿ḯ̸̭g̷̈͜ḣ̶͕t̴̮

̷̯̓ḯ̶̺’̵͆ͅm̶̫̓ ̵̟͊p̴̫a̶̬͆r̵̖͝t̶̢̍ ̶͈̽o̸̮̒f̶̳̏ ̷̖̈́t̸̗̿h̷̩̒e̵͓̊ ̸̼͠d̵̙͑i̶̋ͅŝ̵̻ẗ̴͔o̴̝̅r̷̞̈́t̶̠̅i̷̭̿ö̸͔́n̵̞͛,̷̧͆ ̵̤̆b̶͇̐u̶̖̅t̸̮̒ ̴̉͜i̵̗͆’̵̻͐m̷͉̈ ̴̰͂ṉ̸͋o̵͈͛ẗ̵͈́ ̴̛̰m̵̫͋į̸̆c̸͚̈́ḧ̶̥ä̵̼́e̵͇̅l̵̲

̵̖̓i̷̩̇’̸̩͝m̵͙̏ ̵̗̂ḩ̸̆e̸̯̽l̷͔̀ẹ̵̿ņ̸͋

Jonathan Sims: don’t even try, Georgie, we don’t really understand it either

Jonathan Sims: she used to be a real estate agent, then she got eaten by the Distortion’s corridors, and somehow became another part of it

Georgie Barker: ...uh

Georgie Barker: there’s too much to unpack there

s̵̼̎o̸̢͒ ̵͍̉y̴̞̔o̶̥͐ư̴̪’̵͈̚r̸̲̋e̵͔͛ ̴̜̽g̵̥̔ë̴̠́ó̵̻r̶̲̐g̴̠͋i̶̯̚ȩ̶̈́!̸̺͌ ̶͚͝i̶̟͝t̸͔̉’̶̘s̴̭̓ ̴̡͂l̷̻͐o̸͓̅ṽ̸̡ȇ̵͈l̴̈͜y̷̖̾ ̴̞̆t̷̖͌ơ̶̢ ̸̔͜ḿ̴̖e̴̥̅é̷͓ẗ̸̙́ ̶̞̐ÿ̴̦o̴̘͊u̷͓̒

Georgie Barker: thanks?

ǐ̶̡ ̴̧̈́ĵ̸̻u̸̟̓ș̶̈́t̷̘̾ ̶̛͈c̷͖ạ̵̊m̶͎̑e̸̻̿ ̶̨̎ţ̷͑o̶͓̕ ̶̯̉s̷͙̉ť̸̹ẽ̴̖ȧ̴̪l̶͍̔ ̶̟̓y̶̳̒o̶͎͘u̴̦̔r̵̙̃ ̷͓͗a̶̖̎r̵͚̿c̵̜̿h̴̽͜i̷͍͑v̸̭i̴̝̿s̵̫̑t̶͙͌

̵̛̻n̸̩̋o̴̻̒t̸̜̂ ̵̨͝l̶͉̎i̶̲̓t̶͉e̴͈̽ȑ̶̙ḁ̵̍l̴̘̐ļ̷͗y̶̖̍

̸̘̈́b̴̩̈́u̶̙͐t̷̤̍ ̶̪̍h̵͉͂ę̵̇’̷̗̎s̷̹̒ ̷̤̾n̷̰̕o̵̳̓t̵̜̾ ̵̝ţ̷͒a̶̎ͅk̵̞͒i̷̙̕n̶̬̓g̸͔̀ ̵̞̓p̷͚̔ả̶̹r̸͍̎t̷̝͑ ̴̨̅i̶̩͐n̴̫̉ ̴͚̏a̵͇͋n̵͔͛y̶͉̆ ̵͇̌ǫ̵̂f̵̗̕ ̵̛̱t̴̝̓h̵͈̀è̶͓ ̶͍̏g̸͖̎a̸͍̍m̶̺̏e̵̤̽s̷͇͑,̴͉̽ ̸̙́h̴͔̀e̵͎͘’̴͍̇ṣ̷̒ ̵̩̓j̷̈́͜u̸̲s̷͙̈ẗ̷̗́ ̸͉̌s̵̛͈i̴̥͗t̷͕̿t̴͈̋ȉ̷͇ṉ̶͂g̵̹̈ ̵͙ỏ̵̟n̷̮̈́ ̶͍͒h̸̟̐i̸̗̚s̶̥̕ ̷̧̈́ó̸̢w̵̼͝n̴̋͜

̵̮̾ĵ̴̼o̷͔̓n̵͒ͅ,̷̊͜ ̸̜͛o̶͂ͅf̸̧̿ ̵͔̓a̴͖̾l̶̝̈l̵̠͊ ̴̟̄ť̷͈h̴̙̕ȅ̶̟ ̴̩̈́ȅ̶̺n̴̲̑t̴̪͐î̶͓t̸͔͒i̴̲̋e̷͘ͅs̷̜̈,̴͎̒ ̸̳̍ţ̸̅ẖ̸̓e̸̙̕ ̴̩̈́l̵̙o̵̮̊n̷̩ẹ̷̕l̷̗̍y̸͈̾ ̷̱̋i̵̱͘š̸͍ ̷̧̾t̶̪̐ḣ̸̯e̸̱̽ ̷̺͐õ̴̠n̴͚̒e̸̞̐ ̷̫̈y̷̝͌o̷̝͂u̴̜’̶̟͘d̴̼̓ ̶̦̂ļ̴͠e̶̞̋á̷̯s̴͘͜t̴̰̑ ̶̬̿w̴̟̄a̴̛͉n̷͙̊ṭ̵̂ ̸̨̑a̴̼͋t̸̪̍ ̷̝̿a̷̤͝ ̷͈͠p̷̱̍a̶̭͑r̷͇̿t̸͍͊y̷̗̎

̵̞̏ẃ̸̙h̶̞́ḁ̴͗t̵̮͠ ̶̳̂ẅ̶̪e̶̼͠ ̸͉̌ņ̶̋e̷̢̓e̶͖͂ḓ̴͝ ̶͎͗t̵̘͗ö̴͕ ̶̨̌d̵͙̃o̸̺̕ ̵͖͝i̷̱̋s̶̭̐ ̴̗̏p̵͙̃ļ̸̔â̴̲ỳ̷̨ ̷̛̹s̴̺͐o̷͇͆m̵̗̒e̶̞̐t̶̙̽h̷͓̎i̸̬͐ņ̴̍g̸̳͝ ̷̘̉m̸̲͊ȏ̷͎r̴̟͗ë̷̱ ̶̰̾i̷̜̊n̷̎͜c̴̲͒l̷͓̕ù̵̩s̶͍̎ȋ̶̯v̸̳̓ȇ̴̼ ̴͚̈t̷̛͚h̸̞̅ą̷͌n̶̠͆ ̴͚̈b̴̞̓e̷̻͐e̸̮̊r̷͖͒ ̵͚̏p̷͈͑o̴̡̐n̸̖̄ĝ̵̺

̴̙̒c̷͕ő̷͇m̷̨̔e̵̡̓ ̵̡̍ǒ̵̗n̷͜͠

̶̺̍ĩ̸̙'̶̜̿m̶̰͒ ̷͎̄c̶̤̽o̸̼͂m̶̡͗i̸̛͔ṋ̴̉g̵̗͠ ̵̞i̴̤̓n̴̻̈,̴̜̊ ̷̰̊ṭ̴͆h̵̳͝ȩ̶̔n̶̰ ̴͈͒ẅ̶͉́ẹ̷͋ ̷̡̿c̷͍̐a̸̝͋n̶̰̓ ̵̥͒a̴̺͛l̷͈͝l̷̺͆ ̸̮̔p̸̤̄l̶̮͗a̴͖̐y̴̻̾ ̵̭a̷̬͒ ̸̡͊p̵̔͜r̵̢͊o̷̱͝p̷̤̑ę̷͛r̶̡̚ ̵̣̂g̵̪͆a̴̱͋m̶̢̛e̷̘͛

Georgie Barker: lol have fun jon

Jonathan Sims: it appears I have no choice in the matter

y̷̘͊ỏ̸̢u̷͝ͅ ̵̾ͅd̵̗͒o̸̮̊n̸̛̩'̵͜t̸̟̄!̴̡͘

---

Friday, 9:58 P.M.

Jonathan Sims to Georgie Barker

Jonathan Sims: got home safe, and am letting you know asper your very firmly emphassed instructions when you came toc ollect Melanie

Jonathan Sims: even though I'm an adult who can take care of himself thank you verymuch

Georgie Barker: oh love we both know you can't

Georgie Barker: cough cough mr average of 3 hours sleep per night cough

Jonathan Sims: hmph.

Georgie Barker: thanks for letting me know tho :)

Jonathan Sims: how's Melanie?

Georgie Barker: she’s good! currently having tea on the sofa

Jonathan Sims: I’ll leave you bot h to it.

Jonathan Sims: christ I’m so. fcking tired

Georgie Barker: i’m not surprised

Jonathan Sims: also I did something monumentallly stupid but itll have to wait until tomorro

Jonathan Sims: good night

Georgie Barker: ohoho i can’t wait

---

Saturday, 10:11 A.M.

Georgie Barker to Jonathan Sims

Georgie Barker: i see your green dot, you’re alive and awake

Georgie Barker: so?????? what happened???

Jonathan Sims: oh no

Jonathan Sims: christ Georgie I can’t recover from this

Jonathan Sims: I knew having those two in the archives could only end badly

Georgie Barker: okay, again, what flavour of badly are you talking about?

Jonathan Sims: ...the usual one

Georgie Barker: oh good!

Georgie Barker: tell me everything

Jonathan Sims: ...

Jonathan Sims: no

Jonathan Sims: Georgie I just want commiseration, not an in-depth probing into what actually happened

Georgie Barker: okay so out of respect for your clearly shaken state i won’t point out the obvious double-entendre there

Jonathan Sims: thank you

Georgie Barker: but i do kinda need to know what happened

Jonathan Sims: no

Georgie Barker: do i need to make threats re the admiral?

Jonathan Sims: they won’t work.

Jonathan Sims: I won’t tell you

Jonathan Sims: I just need someone who wasn’t there to tell me it’s going to be alright.

Georgie Barker: damnnn son okay :/

Georgie Barker: i promise it’s going to be fine <3

Georgie Barker: whatever happened

Jonathan Sims: thank you

Jonathan Sims: if it works out I might tell you what happened but not before then

Georgie Barker: colour me intrigued

---

“No creepy doors allowed”

bomb defuser: Nice to know that even though you feel like absolute shit for five minutes after reality readjusts, Distortion drunkenness doesn’t give you a hangover the next day

bomb defuser: How are the rest of you feeling this fine Saturday morning?

daisy: basira you’re far too cheerful for this 

ghost stabber: hey u weren’t even drunk at all

daisy: it’s a saturday, you expected me to be functioning any time before noon?

ghost stabber: valid

stonks: been better been a Lot worse

marto kart: Im alive i think but i have some Questions

stonks: oh i bet u do 

Timothy Stoker renamed the group “q&a for dearest marto”

substitute boss: omg yes i’m here now too

substitute boss: yesss martin ask away

marto kart: Yeah so did the Thing during spin the bottle last night actually happen or

marto kart: Bc its just as likely it could have been a hallucination???

marto kart: But if it did happen im 

marto kart: Fuck

stonks: ohhhhhh marto

stonks: oh it absolutely did happen

stonks: :D

marto kart: Hnnnnnn

marto kart: Guys help

marto kart: Im not sure i can deal with this

marto kart: Did he actually mean me when he said that???? 

marto kart: I mean he looked at me, but he might have meant it in the same way he looked at helen

marto kart: Shit have i been too obvious??? Is he trying to warn me off????

bomb defuser: Oh no

bomb defuser: He meant you

bomb defuser: I used to be a cop, I know how to read people

marto kart: No im sure hes not

daisy: jesus fuck martin he absolutely meant you

marto kart: Ack

marto kart: What do i do omg guys?????

substitute boss: just talk to him?

bomb defuser: Agreed

marto kart: No no nonono fuck

stonks: oh yes >:)

marto kart: Aaaaaaa

---

“operation wasteland”

Georgie Barker: guys did something happen last night?

Georgie Barker: bc jon is Moping but he’s not telling me what’s wrong

Georgie Barker: i’ve threatened him with almost everything and he’s still not budging

Timothy Stoker: oh something did very much happen last night

Melanie King: the ust was Acknowledged thank fucking christ

Timothy Stoker: sash im gonna hand this one over to u bc uv got the good storytelling words

Sasha James: hoooo okay yes

Sasha James: the legendary Spin The Bottle Saga

Georgie Barker: omg i can already tell this is gonna be good

Sasha James: so jon must have been keeping you updated until helen got there, right?

Georgie Barker: yup

Sasha James: anyway helen rocks up, immediately declares beer pong boring, and suggests spin the bottle

Sasha James: we’re all at least mildly buzzed at this point, and in the exact right mindset for spin the bottle, so we go with it

Sasha James: first few rounds are decent enough

Melanie King: the look on tim’s face when he had to snog daisy though

Timothy Stoker: hey that was nothing against dais

Timothy Stoker: but i know for a fact basira still has a taser

Melanie King: lol fantastic

Timothy Stoker: and their entire relationship is literally the definition of ride or die

Melanie King: tru

Melanie King: actually they seem just as committed to getting those two idiots to acknowledge things as we are

Melanie King: i’m gonna add them

Timothy Stoker: :thumbs up emoji:

Melanie King added Alice Tonner and Basira Hussain to the group

Alice Tonner changed her nickname to daisy

Basira Hussain: @Timothy and @Melanie you’re both absolutely right

Basira Hussain: So this chat is specifically for what’s going on between Jon and Martin?

Timothy Stoker: yup

daisy: oh you’re talking about spin the bottle?

daisy: hah

Georgie Barker: so what happened next????

Sasha James: yeah anyway it gets to helen’s turn, and we can tell she’s been waiting for this

Sasha James: so helen spins the bottle, and because she’s an avatar of the spiral too it just goes fucking nuts and ends up on the narrow end

Sasha James: helen is delighted, none of us know what to make of it

Sasha James: helen: it landed on jon!

Sasha James: martin, bless his heart, looks devastated

Sasha James: martin: ........uhhhh did it?

Sasha James: helen: It Landed On Jon

Sasha James: martin: um okay???

Sasha James: we’re all feeling for him at this point

Sasha James: so the mood is real heckin Awkward but there’s not much we can do