Chapter Text
“Are you courting me?”
There was no immediate answer; the cry of cicadas filled the air between them and seemed to only grow louder. Feeling impatient, Shen Qingqiu lifted his face ready to search Yue Qingyuan’s expression.
Under the Sect Leader’s composed façade, Shen Qingqiu found bewilderment. He saw himself reflected on those eyes that were always so guarded, all mortal perturbances flushed so long ago he no longer remember what they even felt like. Then, for the very first time in who knows how many years, he saw Yue Qingyuan blush furiously.
Shen Qingqiu laughed – open, loud. Hard enough he bent forward. Spilled wine slid down his fingers.
“Really,” Shen Qingqiu whispered. His cheeks were sore from the unexpected workout. His hands were shaking a bit, so he placed one over the other.
Yue Qingyuan swallowed and took a couple of shallow breaths. Shen Qingqiu looked away instinctively, feeling his ears go red. Yue Qingyuan shook his head minutely and laughed quietly. Shen Qingqiu felt undeserving of Yue Qingyuan’s adoring smile and busied himself with his cup, eyeing the jar. As he reached for it, Yue Qingyuan took hold of Shen Qingqiu’s hand and brushed it tenderly with the rough pads of his fingers.
“I am,” he said, “I really tried to make it obvious.”
“Alright. I’m afraid to ask anything else. Take the pipe.”
Shen Qingqiu gave his hand a half-hearted pull. Yue Qingyuan held tighter.
“Xiao Jiu,” he cooed. Shen Qingqiu’s stomach did a double flip.
“You are pushing it,” he warned, just because his face couldn’t quite take it.
“Am I? Humour me, then. Just for a while.” Clever fingers went up, tracing the delicate bones of a scholar’s wrist. “Can I come closer?”
“You can already count every single one of my lashes, how much closer can you possibly get!”
He did get closer. Yue Qingyuan’s smile was a puff of hot air against Shen Qingqiu’s ear. It burnt. Shen Qingqiu could feel the short hair at his nape raising after an overwhelming wave of sensation.
“This one will be happy with whatever closeness the Immortal Master can spare.”
“Do you hear yourself – and I am the one said to be shameless,” Shen Qingqiu mumbled. He kept worrying at the inside of his lips out of nervousness, out of excitement. Wine had muted most of his self-doubt. He was too drunk to draw any elaborate thoughts, to dig any deep pits to push himself into. It was really difficult to get trapped inside an angsty loop when his hand, gently cradled between Yue Qingyuan’s, felt like the center of the universe. For all his strength as a strategist, his face had always been paper-thin. He was as ruthless as he could be honest if you figured out the strokes. That’s why distance was key, why Liu Qingge got the better of him sometimes. Shen Qingqiu wore his heart on his sleeve.
Once the seal was peeled off, the thrill spread through him like wildfire. He leaned towards Yue Qingyuan, mastering the courage to look at the way Yue Qingyuan’s fingers climbed up his arm, delivering pressure that edged roughness. Yue Qingyuan’s touch felt almost greedy. Shen Qingqiu was dizzy with elation. Yue Qingyuan’s scent was all around him but he still craved more. He nuzzled at Yue Qingyuan’s neck. Yue Qingyuan gasped; Shen Qingqiu’s mouth went dry. He pushed his shoulder against Yue Qingyuan’s chest a little bit more, a little harder. Yue Qingyuan breathed deeply though his nose.
“You’ll regret it,” Shen Qingqiu said. He dragged his nose against the line of Yue Qingyuan’s tense jaw, all the way to the shell of his ear.
“I’ll die if you stop,” Yue Qingyuan whispered back. Shen Qingqiu smiled, teeth teasing the sensitive skin of an earlobe.
“I didn’t know you could be so needy.”
“I want you to know. I want – ngh…” The grunt that came out of Yue Qingyuan’s open mouth nearly sent him over. Shen Qingqiu licked his lips and flattened his tongue over Yue Qingyuan’s pulse, moving along a throbbing vein. He shuddered at the light taste of salt and itched to sink his fangs deep.
“I’d eat you whole,” Shen Qingqiu purred, “and then eat myself to enjoy you all over.”
Yue Qingyuan’s bruising grip closed around Shen Qingqiu’s graceful neck, thumb tilting up his chin. Shen Qingqiu’s lips parted with a soft exhale and he placed both hands around Yue Qingyuan’s arm, urging him to squeeze. Yue Qingyuan’s thumb rolled down to Shen Qingqiu’s bobbing Adam’s apple.
“Yeah,” he breathed out. Yue Qingyuan kept drawing circles around it, mesmerized by its movement. Shen Qingqiu’s heart fluttered in his grasp like a songbird. Shen Qingqiu fought against Yue Qingyuan’s punishing grip, breath hitching, and inched forward. Angling his face, he blew the ghost of his smothered breath over Yue Qingyuan’s lips and the man let go with a shudder. Yue Qingyuan looked like a dying man that had found water in the desert but was asked not to have more than a sip at a time. He kissed Shen Qingqiu’s chin reverently, hand sliding back to his arm.
“Will you regret it?” He asked. Almost shyly, he rested his forehead on Shen Qingqiu’s shoulder.
“I’ll kill you if you stop,” he said, rolling back his eyes. He stood up and offered Yue Qingyuan a hand. “Come inside.”
The bamboo house was very small. They were sitting on the bed in no time, hands suddenly all too hesitant. It had been easier in the open somehow, the new moon casting just the right light, blurring the edges of time. Yue Qingyuan said something under his breath but Shen Qingqiu’s heart was too loud for him to hear. He tugged weakly at Yue Qingyuan’s robes, color high on his cheeks, then he straddled him out of impatience. Yue Qingyuan’s hands pinched his waist and Shen Qingqiu squirmed.
“Is Xiao Jiu ticklish? What a find,” Yue Qingyuan said, lips moving against Shen Qingqiu’s neck.
“You sound like a pervert,” Shen Qingqiu’s hips rolled as he arched his back. Yue Qingyuan’s mouth chased him hungrily. “I really don’t like it when you call me that,” he run his fingers through Yue Qingyuan’s hair, purposefully catching some knots along the way.
“…I’ll do better.” Shen Qingqiu nodded. Yue Qingyuan’s hair came undone soon after. He allowed Shen Qingqiu to push him onto the bed but kept himself propped up, eyes focused intently. “How does A-Jiu sound?”
Shen Qingqiu looked down, an unexpected rush of emotion clogging his chest.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. Yue Qingyan’s right hand came to rest upon his hip, drawing soothing circles. Shen Qingqiu sighed in pleasure. He closed his eyes as Yue Qingyuan’s got rid of his sash, scalp tingling at the rustling of silk. Everything else came out easily.
Shen Qingqiu rolled his hips once more, gasping at the distinct feeling of Yue Qingyuan’s hardness. Yue Qingyuan’s blood surged at the sigh; he pinned Shen Qingqiu under him in one swift movement, wood creaking under the weight of two grown men.
“Undress,” Shen Qingqiu whispered, pressing one side of his face to the bed in a tepid attempt at hiding. Yue Qingyuan parted Shen Qingqiu’s legs enough to kneel comfortably between them. Shen Qingqiu’s thin inner robes did very little to hide his desire, fabric stretched obscenely over his hard cock. Out of the corner his eye, he saw Yue Qingyuan set his shoulders right before leaning in. Yue Qingyuan pressed his nose to his crotch, inhaling deeply. Shen Qingqiu yelped and pulled at Yue Qingyuan’s hair, but the man’s face didn’t budge an inch. He looped his arms around Shen Qingqiu’s legs, raising them to his shoulders. Like an animal, Yue Qingyuan kept nuzzling at his length, air hot and wet sending shivers through him like lightning.
“Qingqiu. You smell so good it’s making my mouth water.”
Disentangling himself from Shen Qingqiu, Yue Qingyuan made quick work of his clothes. Grabbing a fistful of him, he brought Shen Qingqiu up to meet him. They pressed their foreheads together, eyes open and breaths mingling. Long fingers took a firm hold of the Sect Leader’s jaw, angling it gently. Shen Qingqiu kissed him slow, almost experimentally. He nibbled at Yue Qingyuan’s bottom lip, feeling a little self-conscious about his lack of experience. Yue Qingyuan’s mouth parted eagerly, hands kneading Shen Qingqiu’s waist like he wanted to leave an imprint.
“My cultivation is going to improve so much,” Shen Qingqiu said, teeth pulling at Yue Qingyuan’s bottom lip, “after I fuck you tonight.”
“You might even ascend.” Yue Qingyuan’s laugh had him grinding against the man’s thigh.
“I might even ascend,” he managed. Yue Qingyuan kissed him back, humming in approval. He kissed commandingly, tongue darting out to taste every crevice. He delighted in the softness of the inside of Shen Qingqiu’s lips, the catlike roughness of Shen Qingqiu’s own tongue. Yue Qingyuan’s thigh pressed farther and Shen Qingqiu moaned weekly, face burrowed in Yue Qingyuan’s neck. He had wanted to hold his ground, but embarrassment was getting the upper hand. Yue Qingyuan would let no air pass between their bodies. The intimate knowledge that Yue Qingyuan’s scent was rubbing off on him was maddening. He craved physical proof.
Shen Qingqiu loosened Yue Qingyuan’s inner robes with urgency, hands mapping the expanse of his chest. The skin was marred. There wasn’t a single scar he recognized. Some looked like scratches left by human nails; he traced them with his own. Yue Qingyuan took Shen Qingqiu’s left hand to his lips, kissing it gently. He kissed the center of his palm, then the wrist. The tenderness of it was overwhelming. Shen Qingqiu gave in to the need of skin on skin, baring himself completely. They hugged for a quite some time; Yue Qingyuan’s deep breaths against his temple eased the sudden knot in his chest.
“Let me…,” Yue Qingyuan began, voice hitting yet lower notes. Shen Qingqiu’s cock wept as if trained to. Yue Qingyuan guided him to lay on his back once more and he braced himself, little sighs spilling out helplessly.
“Do you even know what to do?”
“I’ll take notes,” he said, “if you guide me.” Shen Qingqiu’s face flushed once more. He focused on his breathing. “Unless you’d rather…?”
“Yeah,” Shen Qingqiu answered, swallowing down the awkwardness, “I think so.”
Yue Qingyuan leaned down for another kiss; gentler, this time. Painfully intimate. Shen Qingqiu almost chased after it, sharp canines biting at the inside of his lips.
“Relax,” he said. Yue Qingyuan smiled indulgently. Shen Qingqiu snuggled between Yue Qingyuan’s powerful thighs, hands too hesitant and too greedy all at once.
Yue Qingyuan’s skin felt feverish to the touch. Shen Qingqiu looked at the man’s face, long locks of hair spread over white sheets. Yue Qingyuan’s gentle eyes held a dangerous abyss. Shen Qingqiu retreated. He stared at Yue Qingyuan’s heavy cock instead where it rested, pulsing against hard abs. Yue Qingyuan was a very big man. Shen Qingqiu’s own desire felt to him like a savage thing, too wild to bridle. The cock felt thick in his hand, thicker yet when he tried to circle it with his tongue. The stretch ached so good when he closed his lips around it. He wanted to dissect the taste, to have an intimate knowledge of it. Bitterness pooled on his tongue and Shen Qingqiu shuddered, body ablaze. He lapped at the head and ran his nails along the shaft like a promise. Yue Qingyuan groaned, hips bucking up once, twice. Shen Qingqiu placed his left hand on Yue Qingyuan’s stomach to keep him still, long fingers fanning out over corded muscle. Yue Qingyuan placed his own hand over Shen Qingqiu’s and squeezed. When Shen Qingqiu began to suck him off earnest, that hand became a fist at Shen Qingqiu’s nape; Yue Qingyuan kept himself propped up for a better look, legs spreading further.
“Come,” Yue Qingyuan said, voice hoarse with hunger, “let me taste you. I want to come with your dick in my mouth.”
Shen Qingqiu was picked up and placed over the Sect Leader’s chest before he had any time to process the request. Strong hands kept kneading his thighs, prompting him to get closer. He felt lightheaded. Shen Qingqiu’s watched enraptured as Yue Qingyuan moaned around his dick. Yue Qingyuan set a steady rhythm and kept it up until Shen Qingqiu fell into the cadence. He discovered a passion for long, slow drags in and out, sliding filthily over Yue Qingyuan’s offered tongue, hissing in pleasure whenever the head of his cock caught at the rim of Yue Qingyuan’s mouth. His face was – Shen Qingqiu was making a mess. He wanted to come all over Yue Qingyuan’s face. He picked up the pace, fucking into Yue Qingyuan’s mouth with abandon. He arched back and grabbed Yue Qingyuan’s neglected cock. He jerked him off roughly and Yue Qingyuan responded with a full body shudder. He moaned low, desperately. He sounded so full. Taking himself in hand, Shen Qingqiu gave it a few last tugs and spilled his seed on Yue Qingyuan’s parted lips, on his cheeks and hair. The man came soon after.
Yue Qingyuan’s chest went up and down in full breaths. His ribcage expanded underneath Shen Qingqiu, skin to skin. It must be suffocating, he thought distantly. Cold come dripped from his right hand and the corners of his mouth curled downwards. His dick laid limp on Yue Qingyuan’s sternum, moonlit. Disorientation hovered above him, grazing his shoulders from time to time. There were some freckles dusting Yue Qingyuan’s skin. They were telltale of a childhood spent under the sun. Shen Qingqiu had gotten rid of his own. Yue Qingyuan stirred enough to reach for something to clean his face with. Shen Qingqiu shivered at the movement. He was tempted to drag his hips once more over Yue abdominal muscles.
He dared not look higher than the neck. He hadn’t bitten the skin there, hadn’t done it at all. Hadn’t dared to. He pictured Yue Qingyuan’s gaze, still fervent but softened around the edges with bliss. There would be tiny wrinkles around his eyes that he would like to trace. Couldn’t quite meet the man’s face, though; the wrecking truth of what was going on between them, reflected on Yue Qingyuan’s eyes. He feared. Shen Qingqiu felt the first signs of nausea; the dry, unrelenting kind that bears nothing but its unwillingness to subside. He parted his lips but no words came out. Yue Qingyuan’s heartbeat was a light in the mist. He’d follow. He’d follow.
The man surged forward and enveloped Shen Qingqiu in a tight hug, tipping him over backwards and onto the bed. A soft exhale left Shen Qingqiu’s throat. He closed his eyes. The man was a furnace. Contentedness travelled through Shen Qingqiu’s veins, a pleasant buzz settling in his limbs.
“I am happy,” Yue Qingyuan whispered, voice muffled against Shen Qingqiu’s hair and the tender skin of his shoulder. Shen Qingqiu shivered once more. His arms were trapped between them and that felt good, somehow. The weight, too, felt good. “I can’t get enough of you.” Shen Qingqiu wished he would hold him tighter, press him harder; crush him like wood long rotten.
If only he was missing a tongue, so that both mutism and bluntness could be forgiven. If only Yue Qingyuan would gag him hard enough.
“Qingqiu,” he called. “You are trembling.”
“What,” Shen Qingqiu mumbled. But he was.
“I’ll run a bath.”
Shen Qingqiu turned on his side as soon as the night air fell upon his bareness. He focused on his sullied hand, transfixed. His heart wasn’t racing anymore but every beat still felt like a punch. Yue Qingyuan ran his hands over Shen Qingqiu’s arm one more time and stood up. He nuzzled softly at the crook of Shen Qingqiu’s neck, whispering nonsense. The absence of Yue Qingyuan’s grounding weight felt mocking but he fenced off the thought. Soon came the sound of water being poured into the wooden tub.
Shen Qingqiu made an effort to snap out of the unexpected paralysis. Things came to him in fractured waves of sense. Anxiousness licked the back of his neck and he worried at the flesh inside his mouth. Surely Yue Qingyuan felt estranged by Shen Qingqiu’s plummeting. He’d think that Shen Qingqiu was feeling rueful about the whole thing. He’d maybe play it off, save them both the awkwardness.
It was very painful to imagine.
He picked Yue Qingyuan’s robe from the floor and wrapped himself in it. It was heavy. He’d speak up as plainly as he knew how – no rehearsed words, not a chance to guard himself. Yue Qingyuan would have to really pay attention, for once. Really see him.
Yue Qingyuan had lit up a fire. Light danced on his exposed back like ripples as he handled the buckets. He was wearing pants for some semblance of modesty. Shen Qingqiu itched to touch the hair sticking to Yue Qingyuan’s neck, to shoulders sun-kissed. He felt self-conscious, so he tidied himself a bit before stepping into the other’s field of vision. Yue Qingyuan’s smile upon seeing had him lowering his face. He felt like crying. Nausea had turned into a bag full of stones that pressed his lungs against his throat.
“Come,” he said, but walked towards Shen Qingqiu himself. “Qingqiu. Can I touch you?”
Shen Qingqiu rolled his eyes, the faintest blush high on his cheeks. Yue Qingyuan’s hands cradled his face. Gentle fingers closed his eyes. Yue Qingyuan’s lips were hot when he kissed the soft skin under; Shen Qingqiu’s lashes quivered.
“I will touch you, then. I won’t ask anymore. Won’t stop touching you.”
If only Shen Qingqiu could be free from the burden of his bleeding heart, fill its vastness with dirt and silence.
“Explain,” he said.
“Pardon?”
“Yes. Explain – us. Why, what’s different now. What’s going on. Who–”
Yue Qingyuan didn’t feign confusion. He disrobed Shen Qingqiu, helped him get into the water. Shen Qingqiu was soon pressed against Yue Qingyuan’s large chest. He struggled in his hold.
“Are you serious,” he hissed.
“I don’t know what it is that you want me to say,” Yue Qingyuan stated. He sounded sincere. Shen Qingqiu felt his heart drop. “I love you.”
Shen Qingqiu laughed. He tasted bile.
“Enough with the games,” Shen Qingqiu said, twisting his body to face his lover. “Be fucking honest or get out. Yue Qingyuan!”
Yue Qingyuan sighed, as if the conversation was a huge inconvenience.
Shen Qingqiu thought: I’ve brought this upon myself. He thought: take my life. Have mercy.
He thought: The burden that I am it is yours to carry. I’ll take your life. I’ll kill you.
I’ll kill you.
“I died,” Yue Qingyuan said. He moved Shen Qingqiu’s hair out of his eyes, gathered it all in one large hand. “You must have, too.”
“What?”
Shen Qingqiu pushed Yue Qingyuan’s chest away, tried to look him in the eye. He found himself running out of the tub and onto his knees. He retched again and again, cold sweat coating his skin like rain. He was shaking hard.
“What… what did you – Don’t touch me!”
Yue Qingyuan froze. He retracted his hands. A petty part of Shen Qingqiu enjoyed the precise knowledge of how he must have looked like, dirty and disgraced, face contorted in fury like the wretched beast he was, the pest that should have been put into a bag and left to drown. Blood tickled down his nose and into his mouth.
“Qingqiu,” Yue Qingyuan said, like it pained him so. He kneeled by Shen Qingqiu and covered him up. They hugged for some time. Yue Qingyuan kept breathing him in.
“It is beyond my comprehension. It is the will of the Heavens. I died; Xuan Su took over. We came back. We are one. When I saw you on your bed, the fever –”
“You mean – It’s not always you I’m talking to.”
Inside Shen Qingqiu’s head, sharp claws kept scratching at the door. He was too frightened to open. He’d forgotten. He–
It had been real.
It had been real.
Yue Qingyuan nodded. Shen Qingqiu cupped his face and found his own reflection in Yue Qingyuan’s eyes of endless night. “How will I know,” Shen Qingqiu asked. His voice was small but steady, “how will I tell when it’s you.”
It took some time for Yue Qingyuan to answer.
“You won’t.”