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2020-07-15
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2020-07-21
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You Mean More to Me Than You Will Ever Know

Summary:

After Gwen’s Coronation as Queen, Merlin questions his destiny, and the cruel reality of Arthur and his relationship. Merlin is on the edge of an emotional breakdown when Gwaine comes to comfort him.

In other words, this fic is how I am reconciling the fact that A.) Gwaine is in LOVE with Merlin, B.) Gwen is the best character, and deserved all the happiness that Camelot could give her, and C.) there was no way that Merlin survived that whole coronation ceremony without his heart breaking.

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Merlin stepped outside into the cool night air, leaving the noise from the castle behind him. The feast started after the Coronation earlier that evening, and showed no signs of ending soon. Camelot had much to celebrate, after all. 

The wind cut across the battlement and gave him the chills, but he didn’t move to close his jacket. He gripped the edge of the stone parapet, flexing and letting the rough surface bite into the tips of his fingers. Looking out, Camelot was speckled with glowing dots of amber, each one providing warmth and life to the people down below. He could still remember his first time seeing the view, witnessing the kingdom laid out for miles had taken his breath away. Before then, he had never been higher off the ground than the old pine tree in Ealdor that he used to climb as a kid.

 

Things had been simpler then. 

 

He hoped his mother was well.  

 

Another distant eruption of cheers brought Merlin a little too close to reality again. It only made the ache in his chest spread. Soon there wouldn’t be anywhere left for it to go.  Why did he come? Why didn’t he turn around and go back home when he saw that first execution? Why was he so important anyways? He didn’t earn this, it just happened to him.  The worst part is that the war against magic didn’t scare him away, no. Any sane person would have valued their life more. But after Arthur appeared, he didn’t anymore. To Merlin, the danger was worth it. Worth being by his side, seeing his smile, keeping him safe.

He messed up. He didn’t know to keep his distance until it was too late. 

At least he got to see them happy. He loved both of them so much, and even if he couldn’t be happy, they could be. That eased the pain, but worsened the emptiness in his chest. Maybe he should go back to Ealdor and check on his mother. He wouldn’t be needed for the next few days anyways. Earlier, Arthur had started to explain that he wanted some alone time with Gwen, but Merlin cut him off by accepting the offer before he could finish. The loneliness became very apparent once that conversation was over. 

Things were never going to be the same, were they?

Footsteps in the tower stairwell caught his attention. Gwaine reached the top and leaned his good shoulder against the archway, looking at Merlin with a small smile and an expression that he couldn’t quite place. How did he know he was here?

“Why aren’t you at the feast?” Merlin chose to ask a safer question.

“I’ve got a headache.” Gwaine tapped his head as if to prove the point.

“Then why aren’t you resting?” Merlin looked Gwaine up and down. Morgana’s men did a real number on him. There were bruises on his face and no doubt several bandages hiding under his clothes, his left shoulder was the most obvious one. Gwaine had been avoiding using that arm when he thought that no one was watching. Merlin felt bad that he couldn’t have helped sooner. 

“You know me Merlin, I can’t say no to a free drink,” Gwaine smiled with warmth despite the self deprecating joke. He could dodge a question like no one else in Camelot. “I could ask you the same.”

“I don’t have a headache?” Merlin’s joke fell flat, but he tried to smile and brush it off.

Gwaine just looked back at him, and Merlin wondered if he could see right through his paper thin veneer of calm. Merlin shook his head and looked back out at the city in order to escape Gwaine’s perceptive eyes. He was silent for a while, and eventually Gwaine slowly walked up to the wall and stood next to him, taking in the view as well.

“I am happy for them, Gwaine. I truly am!” Merlin’s voice remained light but tears started welling up in his eyes. He refused to move his gaze away from the blurry lights in the distance. “They both deserve the best in this world. Gwen was my best friend when I first moved here, ya know that? I could not think of a kinder, more honorable woman to marry the king,” he paused, smiling was getting physically exhausting. “To marry Arthur,” he corrected. He didn’t want to continue, but the words were spilling out of his mouth before he had a chance to think about them. 

“He really loves her. Like, really loves her.” It was getting hard to breathe. “I’ve seen the way they look at each other and-” His voice cracked, not allowing him to finish his sentence. He stood tall, with his head up. His heart was breaking but he refused to look like it. Physical composure was the only thing he hand left. He gripped the stone wall in front of him so hard that his fingers could have bled. Merlin needed to keep it together.

He felt a hand on his back, warm and reassuring. He was terrified of how comforting it was. He clenched his jaw harder, breathing heavily through his nose. He couldn’t cry. Not here.

“Merlin?” Gwaine’s voice was so soft he barely heard it.

After a few moments Merlin finally forced himself to look at Gwaine. He had never seen him this concerned before. His eyes held a deep sadness to them. Emotion surged forward at the sight of such compassion and he cracked. He could trust Gwaine. Tears started pouring down his face.

“It hurts. ” Merlin couldn’t take it anymore. Gwaine moved forward and buried him in a suffocatingly tight hug. Merlin let out a heavy sob, and tucked his head into Gwaine’s shoulder. “I love him so much.” His heart clenched and another sob followed. He has never said it out loud before, and it hurt more than he predicted. Gwaine’s chest fell and his arms stilled, but only for a fraction of a second. He then resumed stroking Merlin’s back. Merlin continued to cry heavily, and Gwaine gently hushed and reassured him that everything was going to be okay. The deep consistent tone of his voice soothed Merlin, and the weight of his arms grounded him. Merlin cried for a little while longer, and Gwaine didn’t show even the slightest hint of impatience. 

By the time Merlin was done Gwaine was running his fingers through his hair and gently wiping the tears off of his face. He couldn’t imagine a better person to have helped him through this.

Gwaine spoke first, knowing that Merlin was still recovering. 

“How about we get out of the cold huh? I have mead and dice in my quarters to help you take your mind off of things?” His voice remained uncharacteristically soft and comforting.

“Yeah that sounds good,” Merlin said thickly, not able to articulate much else. 

“I’ve got a new deck of cards too.” Gwaine left a reassuring hand on Merlin’s back as he slowly steered him towards the tower on the opposite side of the battlement, away from the celebration. 

Merlin huffed out a laugh while wiping his eyes. “I can’t afford to keep losing money to you Gwaine.”

“Shame, thought you wouldn’t notice,” Gwaine smiled. Merlin felt a lot lighter than he had a few minutes ago. The catharsis of confessing his feelings and crying to Gwaine had calmed him. Soon, they made it to Gwaine’s chambers, where they sat by the fire, sipped mead, and ate some apple pie that Gwaine had stolen from the kitchen earlier that morning. They played card games, and within a few hours of stories and jokes, Gwaine had Merlin laughing again. Merlin still felt emotionally exhausted, but the sharp pain of loss had now gone away. Merlin knew that this sadness wouldn’t leave him soon, but now he could see that it eventually would. The way that Gwaine had steadily comforted and distracted him from his distress assured him in a way that no other person could have. Merlin wondered why Gwaine was so selflessly doing this for him, he knew he certainly hadn’t earned it.  

Not much later, Gwaine had laid out Merlin’s bedding in front of the hearth before the thought of sleeping had even occurred to him. Merlin was too tired to protest such extreme acts of generosity, and tucked in without argument. Gwaine laid down a few feet away, claiming that if he used the bed it would be unfair. Quiet settled for the first time since they walked in the door. 

“Gwaine?” Merlin nearly whispered.

“Yes Merlin?” Gwaine’s voice was equally soft. 

“Thank you.” It didn’t begin to cover his gratitude, but it was a start. 

“For you Merlin,” Gwaine turned his head and looked at Merlin with honest eyes, “always.”

Chapter 2

Summary:

Merlin and Gwaine are out on a trip to the western border of Camelot. Several secrets are shared, and Merlin finally sees what he had been missing all along.

Notes:

This is a much more lighthearted response to the previous chapter!
I've decided to make this chapter from Gwaine's POV rather than Merlin's. Enjoy!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

It had been several months since the coronation, and Merlin had barely left his side.

At first Merlin always gave some sort of excuse when he wanted to spend extra time with Gwaine. The excuses ranged from small interactions like dropping off patrol plans, to big favors like asking for an extra hand in fixing the hole in Gaius’ roof, to everything between. Gwaine didn’t mind, of course, and found himself hanging back at the end of council meetings and taking needlessly complicated routes around the castle just to get a chance to exchange a few extra words with him throughout the day. The excuses got gradually weaker over time, and soon none were voiced at all. The two men were glued to each other's sides and fit together perfectly. They trusted each other when things got tense around the castle, and when times were good they let loose and chatted all day long. Gwaine couldn’t help but feel complete when Merlin’s quick wit took his egocentric story telling for a whirl, and he had even gotten Merlin into the daily banter between the knights. Not surprisingly, he took it up naturally and they were working like clockwork. 

Recently, for example, Gwaine and Merlin had tricked Sir Elyan with Sir Simon. Sir Simon was a rather large grass snake that Merlin had found on the edges of the training field. The snake was harmless, and apparently loved Merlin, as it had languidly trailed up his arm and rested there, tongue flicking and happy as a snake could be. It was his idea to use the poor creature as means for a prank, but Merlin caught on quickly, and planted it in Elyan’s cupboard in the armory. Luckily, after the training session Eylan had gone into the armory first. A few seconds later he gave a rather undignified yell, and tore out of the shed before the other knights could enter. Merlin had gone in through the back, and carefully removed (the newly christened) Sir Simon before he got in harm's way. Elyan’s paranoid glances around the armory when he was swearing that ‘there was a snake in here just a second ago’ was hilarious. It got even funnier when the day went on and Elyan imagined a snake in the courtroom, the library, his chambers, Percival’s chambers, the roof of the East tower (‘ snakes shouldn’t even be able to physically get up here!’ ) , and eventually the tavern. Gwaine made sure to buy him an extra tankard of ale before he explained the whole thing. 

And while Merlin had been excelling at keeping merriment amongst the knights, he also had done an amazing job fighting for a better Camelot. Gwaine felt a swelling sense of pride whenever Merlin talked over the political happenings at court with him, as he knew that those same opinions that fought for justice and equality would be voiced to the King, even if it was done privately. Merlin had also shown great dedication to Camelot's people through Gaius’ work as well. Just the other day, Gwaine was on his way to visit Merlin when he noticed him bandaging a scraped up knee of a young stable boy. Merlin’s words were so kind and encouraging that Gwaine had to turn around and walk a couple laps around the castle in order to calm down his emotions and wipe the grin off of his face before he could approach Merlin again. 

Gwaine himself had changed over these past few months. He felt less inclined to pick fights with strangers, and stopped forcing jokes into every moment that he shared with others. He also visited the tavern so infrequently now, that several barmaids had inquired about him, in fear of his health. It wasn’t a conscious decision, he just didn’t feel the need anymore. Alcohol was the best way to fall asleep without noticing the hollow feeling in his chest, but lately, he had gone to bed content and tired. Before Merlin started spending more time with him, he couldn’t think of a time that he actually looked forward to rest, or looked forward to the next day. Now, he knew that he had someone who cared about him, even if only as a friend. Truth was, if friendship was the only thing that he was going to get from Merlin, then he would take it happily and gratefully. Being his friend was a thousand times more fulfilling than any romantic relationship that he had previously been in. 

Basically, it had been several months since the coronation, Merlin had barely left his side, and he was hopelessly in love. 

Now, they were riding through the forest together. It was pure luck that Merlin had the same days off as Gwaine’s two day trip to deliver important documents to nobles that lived on the very western edge of Camelot’s borders. Gwaine had been dreading the trip, because it would result in conversations with stodgy, pompous, noblemen. Just thinking about having to be polite and “knightly” to them made his skin crawl, and he told Merlin so. Despite Gwaine’s grumbling Merlin had gladly offered to come with him. Gwaine promised to buy him anything he wanted from a good tavern he knew on the way, to thank him for the favor, of course. 

The sun was getting low in the sky, and they found a clearing to set up camp. The two quickly fell into the routine they had done a thousand times when out on missions with the knights.

“So what’ll it be for dinner tonight Merlin?” Gwaine asked while unloading their sleeping rolls from his horse’s saddle bag.

“What makes you think that I’m cooking?” Merlin was already leaning over and stoking an impressive fire. 

“The fact that you didn’t touch the stew that I made last time.” He countered.

“Wha- that’s just because I wasn’t hungry!” Merlin defensively said a whole octave higher than usual. The man was a terrible liar. 

“So are you saying you would like it again?” Gwaine put as much hope and charm into his voice as possible. Merlin couldn’t hide his grimace at the thought of eating that acrid paste again. 

“Nope.” Merlin popped the ‘p’ with his lips and swung his head towards Gwaine’s direction, “I think it nearly killed Percival.” The feigned support was quickly forgotten.

“I do wonder how it had gone that wrong...” Gwaine could have sworn that was how his grandmother had made it.

“I can still hear his crying.” Merlin looked mournfully into the distance, as if Percival had actually lost his battle with the stew. Gwaine gave a moment of silence, and when he made eye contact with Merlin again they both burst out into laughter. 

By the time they had finished Merlin’s dinner the sky had cleared and the stars were twinkling and bright. With the clouds dissipating, the temperature dropped down significantly and the men kept close to each other in front of the warm fire. They kept up their light hearted conversation and Gwaine tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach as Merlin’s arm kept bumping into his. He loved seeing Merlin so happy and relaxed. It didn’t take much for him to remember that it hadn’t always been that way. Gwaine’s heart broke when he saw Merlin so hurt on the night of Arthur and Gwen’s wedding. Merlin didn’t deserve it, so Gwaine tried his very best to help him through. Now Merlin was smiling at him, and it didn’t look like it would leave anytime soon. Their conversation eased into a lull and Merlin cleared his throat. 

“Gwaine, I-” Merlin took a breath but then quickly carried on with his idea, “there is something I need to show you.” Gwaine nodded, not quite sure why Merlin started to look nervous. Merlin wiped his hands on his pants and after another quick glance at Gwaine, cupped his hands together. He looked down at them intently and his deep blue eyes turned into gold. It only lasted for a second, and then he slowly opened his palms, revealing a bright blue butterfly, slowly batting it’s delicate wings. After a small gust of wind, the butterfly took flight and circled Gwaine’s head a few times before it flew off into the night. Gwaine couldn’t help but let out a small laugh of wonder as he watched the beautiful thing go. Merlin had also watched the butterfly with admiration, his face glowed with pride. 

“So you practice magic,” Gwaine said as soft as possible, trying to preserve the look on Merlin’s face.

“Well, I was born with it,” Merlin looked back and nervousness worked its way back into his face. “All my practice is for honing it and making it more reliable. I promise, Gwaine, I’ve only been using it for good. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt anyone. I just want to protect those that I love.” All of this came out in a rush. Merlin had been holding onto this for a long time. 

“It’s beautiful,” Gwaine’s face softened with fondness, “thank you for telling me.”

“You aren’t surprised? Or angry?” Merlin started to back away, so Gwaine grabbed his hand and held on tightly. 

“Merlin, I would never be angry at you for having a gift, and I don’t blame you for hiding it.” Gwaine said fiercely. “As for it being surprised…” Gwaine didn’t know how to break it to him. 

“You knew!?” Merlin looked genuinely shocked. He shrugged and held he hands up in defense. 

“Well Merlin, you might not be as sneaky as you think you are. All of us knights have seen you use it in battle at least once.”

Merlin could only stutter, as if his brain was malfunctioning. “Who- When- How long-?”

“Relax Merlin,” Gwaine started running his hand along Merlin’s back, trying to calm him. “Any knight would give their life before giving away your secret.” 

“But I would have known if anyone saw me! I always make sure to stay out of the line of sight.” Merlin looked beside himself.  

“The only one who you check to make sure isn't watching is Arthur, and even then I don't think you've always been out of his view. For a man who is supposed to be the head of Albion’s greatest army, his observational skills are concerningly lacking.” At that Gwaine couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“So you aren’t mad?” Merlin eyes searched all over his face, looking for any sign of betrayal. 

“No, Merlin, I don’t think I could ever be mad at you.” Gwaine grabbed his hand again and gave it a good squeeze.  

Merlin’s face split into a grin, filled with relief. As he held Gwaine’s gaze, his smile softened around the edges and the expression in his eyes became more vulnerable. Gwaine’s heart started to beat hard in his chest. Ever so slowly, Merlin leaned closer to Gwaine, keeping their eyes locked. Gwaine felt the gravitational pull and moved closer as Merlin tilted his head and kissed him. It was a short kiss, gentle and sweet, but it made Gwaine’s head spin. When they broke the kiss he couldn’t help but glance down and feel the heat radiate from his cheeks. He looked back up to see Merlin with a soft smile and wide eyes, as if asking for permission. Gwaine gave a small nod, and Merlin leaned in to kiss him again. Gwaine took his time kissing him back, as if he was committing every part of him to memory. It was nothing like how he had normally acted in previous relationships, as none of them were anything like what he felt for Merlin. He slowly put his hands on Merlin’s cheeks and kissed him just how he dreamed of doing for years, gentle and sweet, savoring the moment as if it was his last. Once they broke apart, it was Merlin’s turn to blush. 

“I suppose I have a poorly kept secret of my own,” Gwaine said softly while lightly brushing his thumb over Merlin’s cheekbone. He looked into Merlin’s deep blue eyes and took the plunge.

“I love you.” 

Merlin’s eyes crinkled with affection. He leaned in and gave Gwaine another warm kiss, “I love you too.”

His heart soared. 

 

***

 

The exchange of documents with the nobleman had gone off without a hitch, and the two men were now slowly riding back to the citadel. Merlin expressed a rather faked concern about working the horses too hard, and suggested taking an extra day before they went back to daily life. Gwaine couldn’t have agreed more, for the horse’s sake, of course. 

“So I've been thinking, with your magic, are you able to move objects through solid walls? Because-”

“Gwaine,” Merlin’s feigned sternness warned him not to finish that sentence, but he just couldn’t help it.

“ -because you can see the whole kitchen from the vents and-” Gwaine started talking faster, thinking he could squeeze in his idea before Merlin had a chance to say no. 

“You can't be serious,” Merlin scoffed and rolled his eyes. 

“-and Percy lost his last fishing hook in a chicken last week-”

“Gwaine! I won't help you steal food from the kitchens!” Merlin yelled in astonishment. 

“I’m not asking for much, just a non-permanent disguise as a serving boy!” Gwaine countered with incredible speed. Merlin just laughed. 

“Think about the efficiency!” Gwaine spread his arms out wide, imitating how grand his idea was, and then soon joined in on the laughter. He directed his horse even closer to Merlin’s and kissed him, reveling in the ability to so whenever Merlin made him happy, which was constantly.

 

Notes:

A special thanks to all of those who commented on the previous chapter, I hope you all like it! As always please let me know what worked, and what I could do to improve!