Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Mid March

"On your right, on your right!" Gintoki calls out as his bokken sweeps through a wall of rebels, toppling them like dominoes.

"Who the hell are you givin' warnings to, bastard?!" Hijikata berates as his swing is blocked by a sword just barely brought up in time, all thanks to Gintoki. The Joui aims an astounded grin at him past Hijikata's glowering face, "Thanks Nii-san!"

"Don't you thank him, dumbass!" Hijikata stomps on the rebel's foot and twists the flat of his blade up and smashes it into his nose. He crumples to the floor as Hijikata twirls around to deal with the next opponent, eyes like cold fire. "What the fuck was that Yorozuya!"

Gintoki jumps over a leg sweep and parries a thrust before knocking another Joui aside. He grins lazily and says, "What? You don't need Gin-san's help, but maybe the little guy does, right? Can't handle the extra heat?"

Hijikata's scoff echoes through the expansive, metallic floor. The abandoned steel warehouse serves as a secret hideout for the rebels. Or at least it did, before the Shinsengumi discovered their whereabouts at the edges of town and decided to raid the place, intent on arresting the treasonous and claiming the stolen and smuggled Amanto weapons. If Gintoki had known there was going to be a raid taking place, he definitely wouldn't have brought the kids along for this job. They were only meant to be searching for an old locket that might've been left here when the warehouse was still operating some thirty years ago. He'd actually heard the sounds of swords clashing and spied the discreetly parked Shinsengumi vehicles while still outside. He was going to turn back but then the wall had been blown apart in front of them and a piece of rubble smacked Kagura in the face and to the ground. His heart had stopped for a moment but then she leapt up, as angry as a bull seeing red.

Or in this case, carmine, to be exact.

As she darted through the wrecked building, chasing Okita with a single minded rage, Gintoki could only sigh as he and Shinpachi headed in after her, throwing themselves into the familiar heat of battle.

"Why don't you take a seat on that conveyor belt over there and I'll show you how a real samurai fights." Hijikata taunts before disarming two rebels and stabbing a third.

"Ooh, very impressive." Gintoki mocks, slamming his foot into someone's stomach and slashing another. Gintoki claps his hands once, twice, thrice, and faces him, muddy red on clear blue, smirking. "Now get on your knees and beg me real pretty-like for your treat."

Hijikata's face sours as he turns red with blistering anger. Ah shit, why's he gotta look so damn good when he's all flushed and furious like that. It isn't possible for Hijikata to get any prettier, but every time he blushes it's like Gintoki starts seeing things through rose colored glasses. Maybe that's why he doesn't really notice when Hijikata flips a rebel over his shoulder and launches him directly at Gintoki until he's being smacked into the wall from the force of it.

On the upside, Gintoki thinks as he slowly pushes the dead weight off him, rising to his knees, the concussion he now suffers has thoroughly torn him out of that tunnel vision mindset of 'Hijikata is pretty' and into the more pressing mindset of 'Hijikata is petty'. He stands, meeting Hijikata's smirking face with an irate glare.

"What was that about my knees?"

"Wow, Vice Commander-kuuun." He drawls lazily, eyes glinting. "Able to use anything as a weapon, that's the samurai of the new age for you."

Gintoki grabs the knocked out or possibly dead rebel by the legs and walks forward, the dead weight dragging behind him. Hijikata tenses but stubbornly stays put, eyes glaring and suspicious. As he comes to a halt a few feet from the other man, he heaves the body behind his shoulder, still dangling by the legs.

"Oi, why don't you show me how that goes again? It's a little something like this, right?"

With one strong swing he lifts the rebel down and out like a baseball bat, his head connecting with a dead bomb on the floor between them with a thud. The bomb flies upward, arcing far past Hijikata and hitting the railing of the sky bridge that connects the two metallic staircases on opposite sides of the warehouse. It explodes with enough force to smoke up the ceiling and rattle the bridge, part of the railing destroyed.

Hijikata looks up at it with an unimpressed frown, "Nice aim, jerk- ah!" He ducks hastily, the rebel's body flying just above him and crashing to the floor. The vice commander scowls at him. "Asshole." He hisses.

"Right back at ya, prettyboy."

Hijikata clicks his tongue. "Stop calling me that." He absentmindedly cuts down another Jouishishi coming at him from behind. He hadn't looked, but Gintoki isn't impressed. After all, the guy had been screaming "Die, Shinsengumi scum!"

"Why don't you tell him to die, huh?" Hijikata asks the dead man. Hijikata looks around but there are no more Jouishishi left to fight them. Well, none in their area.

They were cornered towards the back of the warehouse, slightly hidden by pipe work sprouting out of the floor and bits and bobs of machinery. The fight is still ongoing, in the dim lighting he sees flashes of black and gold uniforms and the cheap fabric of raggedy yukatas. Explosions jolt through the building every so often. The clashing of swords and the shouting of men echo throughout the warehouse. Gintoki also spots a small fire towards the northeast side. The south entrance staircase is just ahead of them.

Blue eyes pin him with an annoyed gaze. "Why are you even here, bastard? Don't the bars open early just for people like you?"

"What are you trying to imply, Mayora? Is that a baseless accusation I hear?"

"Well, if you're irresponsible enough to bring children to a raid..." Hijikata trails off knowingly, the curve of his mouth bitingly judgemental.

Irritation burrows deep under his skin. "Oh yeah, like Gin-san woke up this morning and thought to himself, 'hmmm, how can I endanger the children in my care? Let them ride my scooter without a helmet? Buy them alcoholic drinks? Bring them to a Shinsengumi raid? Oh, that's the one!'" He snaps.

Now Kagura, he is sure is fine. She could get hit by a train and come up the winner. Shinpachi, he trusts, but he's slightly more worried about. Still, he'd lost the boy when they'd been fighting together with the Gorilla, so he's a bit more reassured of his safety.

Hijikata's face softens, just a tad. He frowns. "So why are you here?"

"Why do you think, huh? Obviously, I've got a job."

"Why would that be obvious?" Hijikata asks as he starts walking towards the staircase.

"Would you quit implying that Gin-san is some mere drunk freeloader?" Gintoki follows him up the stairs, watching slim hips sway. Damn that too long jacket, it hides the goods from him. "He works harder than these dogs of yours, you know. Then again, crossing guards have it harder than your lot, so I guess that's not saying much."

"You ass!" Hijikata snaps and turns towards him, one hand still on the rail. "Shut the hell up before I push you down these stairs!"

"And here we go again." He says offhandedly. He digs out a coin from his pocket and holds it up. "Hijikata-kun, open that pretty mouth a little wider, will you? 300 yen should get Gin-san a better response, yeah?" He asks, nonchalant as he skims his other hand over the officer's uniformed chest, relishing in the way it seems to jump at his touch.

Hijikata seems to be in a state of shock, mouth agape and eyes wide. Gintoki, opportunistic bastard that he is, takes advantage of his statue-like state and balances the coin on his full lower lip, thumb just brushing the soft, plump flesh of his upper lip. He slips his other hand beneath the tough, thick material of his uniform jacket and over his vest. His fingers graze gently over the other's pectoral muscle, across a nipple. "Now if Gin-san just twists this knob here," he recites, as if reading an instruction manual, "Hijikata-kun should surely give out a nicer respo- pffft!" Gintoki spews, blood spurting in a frenzy from his mouth and nose at the force of Hijikata's palm striking him. His head bounces off the handrail and he tumbles down the steps onto the landing in a pained heap.

Gintoki looks up, one hand trying to stem the flow of blood from his smarting face. His cheek throbs in time with Hijikata's heavy, clinking footsteps down the stairs. His eyes seem to glow in his rage, face shadowed with violent intentions. "Get back here, you pervert. I should've arrested you for sexual harassment weeks ago!"

Gintoki laughs nervously around the blood pooling in his mouth, hastily backing up until his back hits the railing. "No, no, no, Hijikata-kun, you've got it all wrong! Gin-san was merely trying to help you! That tough attitude isn't appealing to all citizens, you know? Gin-san thought he could soften your way of speaking a bit, give you a nicer image." He insists, laughing awkwardly.

"By treating me like a goddamn Gashapon machine?! You go to pachinko parlors so often your first instinct is to insert and twist?! You useless creep!" He thunders, skipping the last step and landing with a boom. The landing jumps underneath him, rattling against his back and through his bones, everything shaking except the demon he foolishly summoned. Hijikata's sword glints ominously as he slowly unsheathes it, but it's the wildly calm look to blue eyes that really concerns him. "Any last words, Yorozuya?"

With his hands raised nervously in front of him, he sweats.

Don't be stupid, Gintoki. Don't say anything dumb. Don't make this worse.

.
.
.

Who the hell does this rotten cop think he is?! Gin-san was only trying to help, dammit! Leave it to that idiot to misunderstand! He wasn't trying to feel him up!

A lot.

"Homicide isn't the answer to everything you delinquent!" Gintoki shouts, then kicks out one of Hijikata's legs. He slams painfully onto one knee, his sword clattering out of his hand.

Hijikata lets out a high, choked moan as he curls around his knee, and Gintoki is startled by the curl of arousal that makes his cock jump slightly.

"You bastard..!" Hijikata cries out, pain twisting his expression from something fierce to something.

Helpless.

Blood spews violently from his nose.

Whoops.

Calm down, boy.

"Ugh, get your disgusting blood away from me!" Hijikata growls, recoiling away from him.

"Whose blood is disgusting? You come from the land of milk and mayonnaise!" He snaps, wiping his face off gently with his sleeve. "Whose fault is this anyway, huh?!"

Hijikata points at him, eyes blazing. "You're the one who fucked up my knee!"

"You're the one who fucked up my face!"

"Your face was born like that!"

Gintoki gasps. The audacity of this pretty faced bitch.

"Or at least your brain was!"

"Says the second in command to a go-ri-llaaaaa."

Hijikata's eye twitches. He grits his teeth. "He is not a gorilla."

"Oh yeah, Gin-san is real convinced now." He nods his head sarcastically. "He's more than just opposable thumbs, you know!" He mocks. "He's capable of real human speech!"

The officer bites his lip in anger, glaring so strongly his eyes are dilated in his rage. The next thing he knows there's something shiny being hurled at him.

"Ack! My eye!"

The coin clatters and bounces right off the landing, lost forever.

Okay. Lost only a few feet below him. But he's not about to go find it himself. Clutching at his possibly smushed, stinging eyeball, he glares viciously at the stone faced man. "Oi! You better pay Gin-san back for that!"

"Oh, you're so pathetic!" Hijikata snaps, eyes rolling. "I don't know what's more shameful, the fact that you're desperate for 300 yen or that you have the fucking gall to demand to be paid back when you have a tab running throughout the whole damn town!"

Gintoki sneers, an unrelenting annoyance fueling him. "That's an agreement between me and the people. You'd know how easy it is to get along with others if you ever kept your hands clean." He spits. "For someone who thinks they're so evolved, you sure didn't grow past the communication skills of a toddler, huh? Mommy never taught you to use your words?"

Hijikata smiles at him, but it's so cold that it only invokes more anger in him. "Insulting him will never fix your hair." He says patronizingly, before grabbing his sword and standing up. For a second Gintoki thinks there will be another attempt on his life, but then Hijikata turns and starts walking up the stairs.

Ignoring him.

Gintoki shoots up, shouting, "Leave my hair out of this! Why do you always have to bring that up?! What are you?! My ex-wife defending her new man?!"

The only response he gets is a middle finger.

Gintoki scowls at him before hurrying up the stairs. He takes two steps at a time until they're keeping pace together. As they climb and climb the rickety, circling staircase, Hijikata calls out to him, curt, "Why are you following me?"

"What a self centered man you are, Hijikata-kun. Gin-san is simply heading in the same direction."

"Uh-huh." Hijikata mutters. "And just what business do you have on the sky bridge?"

AnD jUsT wHaT bUsInEsS dO yOu HaVe On ThE sKy BrIdGe?

So what if he doesn't have any business on the sky bridge? Huh? What business is that of his? Gin-san doesn't need approval from some uppity little gorilla wife.

Besides, it's simply main character intuition. He knows the drill by now. Kick some ass, get sidetracked, kick some more ass, get more sidetracked, get up again and again and again, spew out some lengthy yet meaningful line, save the day.

It's just the Yorozuya way.

"Well if it'll stop the interrogation, Officer-san," Gintoki says pointedly. "I'm looking for something that was left here a few decades ago."

"Decades?" Hijikata asks, pausing at the top of the stairs. They finally reach the bridge, and the cacophony of battle fades a little all the way up here. Or maybe it fades because for once Hijikata's attention is completely on him and Gintoki can't help but extend the same focus. "What makes you think it's still here? What is it?"

"Nothing really," he shrugs, leading the way along the bridge, "but I've gotta check, right? Old man lost a locket from his lover here, back in the day."

Hijikata snorts. "And he cares so much about it, it took him this long to try and find it, huh?"

"Hey, hey, payday is payday to me. I'm not here to do a quality check on an old geezer's sentiments." He twists a pinky in his nostril. "Although, if I had to, Gin-san thinks it's better late than never, right? It's not really the time so much as the feeling." He stops walking to flick off the booger on his nail, ignoring the disgust twisted in Hijikata's features as he waits.

A pause.

"Well," Hijikata says softly, in a way that makes Gintoki think he's somewhere far, far away, "that's one thing I'd have to agree with you on."

Gintoki looks at him, bathed in the light streaming in from a partially covered skylight above them. His eyes look so light they could be akin to ice. The long curl of his eyelashes is hypnotic, his skin looks soft and warm, his lips a sunset pink.

Beautiful doesn't cover it.

He takes in Hijikata's frame, how the light seems to glow around him, feathered out and golden, so bright he can see dust particles floating in the air. The shafts of sunlight seem to be drawn to him, waiting for him, so incandescent that even the fire below them looks dim, weak in comparison.

For a second he wonders if this is how Hijikata was born into the world, in a burst of light, blinding.

Illuminating.

"You know." Gintoki says, equally soft as Hijikata turns to look at him. "You should listen to Gin-san more often. He says things worth hearing."

"Debatable." He says after a beat, a quiet warmth to him. He walks on, back straight, head held high, and although he leaves the light, it doesn't seem to leave him.

Gintoki stares at that uniformed back, scratching the nape of his neck lightly. "You've always got something to say, huh?" He mutters.

He walks a step behind the officer, adding, "Only to you."

"Ah?"

"Debatable." Gintoki clarifies. "Only to you." At Hijikata's quizzical look, he explains, "Most people see Gin-san as the handsome, charming, capable Yorozuya he is." He feels a smirk grow on his face when he hears Hijikata's scoff. "However, some poor, unfortunate souls are too small-brained to see that." Muddy red meets clear blue. "You seem to swing both ways."

Hijikata levels him with a raised brow and a cool face. "When have I ever said you were handsome?"

Gintoki leans closer to him, their shoulders bumping together. "Gin-san doesn't need to hear it to know it's true."

Predictably, sky blue eyes roll. "Ego much?" He mutters. "And don't think I didn't hear you call me small brained, idiot. Between the two of us, my brain could take your brain any day." He states, superiority lining his words, shoving Gintoki away from him. He stumbles and then catches himself, competition riling him up.

"Bring it on, Mayo-brain." Gintoki taunts, before he shoves Hijikata over. He does the same stumbling dance, the clamoring noises rising over his sudden panicked yelp. Gintoki smirks at him, but it drops quickly upon catching the shock in wide blue eyes and a parted mouth. That's when he realizes he's pushed Hijikata right over where the railing was destroyed.

It's like they realize that Hijikata is falling at the same time, one foot off the bridge and the other teetering over. His hand reaches back, instinctively, and in a split second Gintoki is there, grabbing him tightly and yanking him back until they're stumbling to the other side of the bridge, metal railing digging into his back, creaking at their weight. Its only when Hijikata is safely encased in his arms, with his back to Gintoki's chest, that he remembers to breathe. With one of his hands pressed to Hijikata's chest, he swears their hearts are racing with the same beat.

"Um," Gintoki starts cautiously, "you alright?"

That seems to kickstart Hijikata into action, as he inhales sharply and breaks free from Gintoki's grasp. Gintoki ignores the way his hands itch to reach out and grab again. Hijikata smoothes his hands down his uniform and readjusts his jacket as he steps away, gruffly speaking, " 'm fine." Blue eyes glance at him out of his peripheral vision before he says, "Don't expect me to thank you."

As the tension in his body eases, Gintoki huffs in amusement. "Just don't hold it against me, alright?"

Hijikata scoffs lightly. "We'll see about that. Fucking threw me off a bridge, asshole..." He mutters as he stalks forward.

"Almost!" Gintoki interjects, following the officer's brisk pace.

Hijikata ignores him, brows creasing as he mutters, "..this is what I get for wasting time...Sougo'd have a fucking riot...'here lies Bastard-comma-That. He didn't live well. We all hated him. My only wish is that I could've been the one to push him off the bridge'...tch. I'll see you in hell, fucking brat..."

Gintoki throws a sour look at him. "Quit talking to yourself, Gin-san doesn't have the professional licensing to deal with all that. And why does your mind go to the little sadist anyway, huh? What's with you two anyway, huh? Surely it should be Gin-san on your mind right now, right?"

Dark brows furrow and his mouth pushes out, a little judgy. "The fuck are you talking about, dumbass?"

Yeah, dumbass. What are you talking about?

He does not care that Hijikata won't stop bringing up other men in his presence.

Right?

"Nothing," he says, looking away, "never mind."

From the corner of his eye he sees Hijikata's lips part, but before he can speak an explosion rocks the bridge. Instinctively they both crouch low, centering their weight, and Gintoki's hand clasps onto the railing. The shouting from below intensifies to screams, the air filling with thick smog.

The bridge stops shaking eventually, and they stand, peering over the side. Someone detonated a mini explosive at the base of one of the warehouse's support structures, near the north entrance. It seems to have exacerbated the small fire Gintoki had seen earlier around the office, now developing quickly into something untameable.

"Shit." Hijikata curses softly. "Why do I feel like this is Sougo's handiwork?"

Gintoki nods. "Your kid is way worse than mine."

Hijikata gives him this look that says I know and tell me about it and shut up all at once, and Gintoki is surprised to find that he can read it so well, that it comes off as familiar, almost endearing.

"Let's go." Hijikata says, tugging at his hand.

"Sure." Gintoki blinks, but gestures out in front of them.

"No, I said. Let. Go." He points down. Gintoki follows his finger and sees a hand clamped to his wrist.

Wait, no.

His hand clamped around Hijikata's wrist.

…

When did that happen?

He must've grabbed onto Hijikata when he had grabbed onto the railing, an instinctive part of him making sure the man wouldn't fall.

Well, isn't he just the nicest guy?

"You're welcome." Gintoki states haughtily as he lets go of the other's wrist.

Hijikata scoffs rudely. "For what, idiot?"

You'd think the organized and always prepared vice commander would appreciate a little preventive action. Ungrateful brat, Gintoki thinks as he and Hijikata hurry over to the other side of the bridge.

As they descend the stairs in a rushed pace, Gintoki can see the heat rising toward them, smoke vaporizing the clean air. He squints at the dangerous scene before him. Plumes of unruly orange and red flames engulf the office, burning everything in its path. The fire is spreading and growing with each second, creeping ever closer to the north side entrance, thanks to some debris from the explosion catching fire and lighting the way. Both Joui and Shinsengumi alike run from the scorching, suffocating heat, while others, still, fight.

Hijikata flips open his phone and makes a call, holding the device to his ear.

"Kondo-san?-"

"-yes, don't worry. Just start evacuating the building. Harada's group is outside waiting for the rebels-"

"-right, no. He's with me. I'll send him your way. Tell Yamazaki to call the fire department and make sure he gets the fucking address right this time-"

"-don't worry, Kondo-san. Just focus on evacuating. I'll meet you outside in fifteen."

Hijikata snaps his phone shut, calm and collected as they continue their descent. Shrewd eyes carefully analyze the fire and the chaos around them and Gintoki realizes this is not Hijikata, but the Vice Commander who walks next to him.

"Yorozuya, your kids are being ushered outside as we speak. Go join them."

"And what will you be doing?" He asks, brow raised. "Gin-san won't be held responsible for returning a crisp Mayora back to the Gorilla."

"How lucky it is to be you." Hijikata says quietly, like he's not entirely focused on the conversation. "Unfortunately for me, I will be held responsible if you get burnt to a crisp. There's not enough tax dollars in the world to settle the lawsuit you would no doubt come up with."

They continue down the stairs, nonchalantly speaking despite the urgency of the situation.

"Oi, that's not a bad idea. Say, how much can a guy get with two dependents?" He thinks for a moment. "And a dog?"

"Not a dime, you absolute con." Hijikata snarks casually, blue eyes peering at him peripherally. "I'll handle your claim personally."

"Oh dear, Gin-san doesn't need another stalker."

"Who would stalk you?! ...seriously, who would stalk you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?! Gin-san isn't good enough to stalk?!" Why is that strangely insulting?!

Hijikata pauses, then mutters to himself, "Well, not everyone has good taste."

"Oi! I heard that!" He snaps. "You got a lot of nerve talking about good taste when you run around town jacking off mayonnaise bottles!"

Hijikata jolts to a stop on the stairs, between steps, flustered. "Shut. Up!"

"Oh yeah," Gintoki continues heatedly, "you think the public wants to see your fucking mayo facials?" He thinks back to a time he'd been in the Shinsengumi barracks and had wandered into a kitchen separate from the cafeteria. Hijikata had been in the middle of making a sandwich and had his head tilted back and eyes closed, his signature yellow bottle hovering over his face as he tried to thrust every last drop onto his pink, waiting tongue. At the time Gintoki could only feel disgust, shame for his fellow man, but now- now it makes him kind of jealous. "The least you could do is keep that behind closed doors, you pervert!"

"I am not a pervert!" Hijikata shrieks. "You're the pervert! You're the one thinking of it like that! Stop it!" He demands, almost childishly. "That's sacrilege!"

"No, it should be criminal, officer-san. Who do I call to arrest you, huh?" Gintoki asks mockingly, passing Hijikata's frozen form on the stairs. "Gin-san demands compensation! I'm putting that in the lawsuit!"

It takes a few seconds for Hijikata to come barreling down the stairs after him, shouting, "There isn't gonna be a lawsuit, you ass! Apologize to mayonnaise!"

"Apologize to my eyes! Apologize to my brain!"

"Your brain was born like that!"

"Oi!"

Hijikata opens his mouth only to choke on a cough, shoving his face into his elbow as it racks through his body. The smoke is getting thicker and thicker, creating a lack of visibility, an acrid smell, and a burning sensation in his eyes and throat. He holds his sleeve over his nose. He's sure the smoke got to Hijikata first because his lungs are already absolute shit. Shiny blue eyes peer at him over his elbow, and he knows the same thought passed through his mind.

"You still have time to quit, you kn-"

"Oh, can it."

After that, they shut up and hurry down the stairs. Thankfully the air gets cleaner by the time they reach the bottom, as the smoke keeps drifting higher and higher. They stop on the landing right before reaching the ground floor.

Hijikata points to their left, towards a group of wooden pallets and old boxes. "I know the exit by the office is closer but behind that stuff should be an emergency exit. Take it and the kids should be near the south entrance."

"Well, on with it then. Those boxes won't move themselves, Mayora."

"You're even lazy when it comes to evacuating?" Hijikata cuts him a look out of the corner of his eye. "You really are a bottom of the barrel kind of guy, huh?"

"Oi, I take offense to that. Is it not your job, officer, to help a citizen in need?"

"Not when that citizen is perfectly capable of doing it himself."

Gintoki huffs. "Is there something else you plan on doing while this place falls apart?"

Hijikata unintentionally glances at the fire curling and growing slowly towards them, the steel door of the office partially open and encased in flames.

Gintoki blinks. "You're joking. You're joking, right? Oi, oi, Hijikata-kun, has the smoke gotten to your brain?" He waves a hand in front of Hijikata's face. "Maybe you didn't notice so Gin-san will be nice and let you know, but that office is on fire. Whatever you may need is probably ashes by now."

"That may be, but I still need to check-" He continues over the huff of Gintoki's amused scoff- "and as much as I'd like to see you disappear in a puff of smoke, you're still a civilian and you need to go. Now."

Gintoki shakes his head, calm settling over his features even if he feels a little off kilter. This stubborn bastard is really trying to kill himself. And he just expects Gintoki to let him. As if it's not ingrained in his DNA to just do as he pleases.

It's not like Gintoki doesn't understand the need to find what he's looking for, after all Gintoki's still on the clock to find that locket. But if the fire takes it, he'd at least like to be able to tell that to his client himself. And to do that he needs to be, oh, not a smoking pile of Gin flakes.

"Oi. You're not exactly fireproof, you know." He tugs lightly on the cravat tied around Hijikata's neck, unintentionally leaning in as he says, "And neither is Gin-san. What's the use of a Mayora melted into the ground?"

Hijikata stares at him unwaveringly, a glint of steel in his eyes. "More useful than an odd jobs business without their odd boss."

A beat passes where blue and red are locked on each other, then Hijikata turns and walks down the remaining stairs. Gintoki can only watch, hand slowly dropping to his side, as he walks towards the inflamed office before turning to look back at Gintoki.

"Yorozuya." Hijikata says, and even through the havoc of clashing swords and screaming men and clamoring footsteps, it rings loud and clear. "Leave."

It burns to look at him, he thinks.

Backdropped by the illuminating dance of wild yellows, oranges, and reds, with the smoky haze slowly wafting above them, he is blinded- but not from the sting of all the chemicals in the air or the intensity of the blaze.

No.

It's the look in sky blue eyes.

Hotter than the fire burning behind him, as steady as the night turning into day, as piercing as a bolt of lightning.

It's here Gintoki realizes that the man may have been born in a burst of light, but he was raised in the scorching heat of an inferno.

Hijikata will walk through those flames, and they will either bend to his will or perish at his touch.

****

Gintoki welcomes the fresh air that hits him once he steps outside the warehouse and makes his way south. All around him are Shinsengumi officers rounding up Joui rebels, and he can hear the sirens of the fire truck and ambulance on the way. He spots the kids immediately, and whatever worry left in him leaves at the sight of Kagura casually eating seaweed on the hood of a cop car and Shinpachi wilting in relief at the sight of him.

He makes his way over to them with one arm tucked into his yukata, warm quirk of his lips greeting them.

Fifteen minutes later, he spies Hijikata coming out of the entrance, jacket scorched and smoking in his arms, face a little smudged with soot, but otherwise untouched. There's a bundle of fragile looking documents held in his arms as well. Shinsengumi officers rush to meet him and through the hubbub surrounding him their eyes meet, blue on red.

Hijikata holds something up, something shiny that dangles from his hand.

The locket.

His eyes widen in disbelief. Unbelievable.

What a main character move there, Hijikata-kun.

"Gin-chan," Kagura pipes up, leaning forward on the squad car. "Does this mean Mayora gets the finder's fee?"

Gintoki glances at her before looking back at the vice commander, smirk playing on his face. "Ah, not to worry, Kagura-chan. After all, Gin-san found him, right?"

********

"Oi, oi, oi, Nee-san, come on. Gin-san isn't asking for much, right?" Gintoki smiles as charmingly as possible. "He just wants to refund the money spent on this ticket."

The young woman working in the ticket booth of the local movie theater stares at him, unmoved.

"He got this as a gift, you know? I really worked hard the other day, putting up a fence for this old geezer's brood of hens while my kids did a terrible job of keeping those rowdy chicks in line." He lowers his voice, peering at the cashier secretively. "My giblets were in danger, you know." Then he shrugs. "The ladies just love Gin-san."

The employee's stare grows vacant.

"Anyways." Gintoki idly raps his knuckles on the glass between them. "That old man gave me a bunch of eggs and these tickets as payment, and well, my kid sucked up all the eggs and I could really use some cash so…"

He slides the tickets through the slot in the glass. He smiles at her crookedly. "This way it's a real payment, right?"

The woman glances down at the tickets for a mere second before looking back at him. "Sir, those are free movie coupons we give away in raffles to celebrate a specific movie's opening day. It's a package that includes a free drink and popcorn. And it's nonrefundable." Then she flips the coupons over, dark eyes dull and unblinking. "It says it right here, and here, and here." She points out without looking.

"Ah." Gintoki eyes the bold red script, disappointed. Then his eyes wander to the little name tag pinned to her uniform. Mari.

Okay. Time for plan B.

Gintoki's glad he opted not to wear a jacket, as it allows the ample muscles in his arms and chest to be more visible. He fakes a yawn and stretches, spine straightening, arms taut, broad shoulders eye catching. He shuffles around a little, leaning his arm above his head against the glass, hair ruffled and a lazy smirk that he knows is attractive on his face.

She meets his eyes, a little more life to them.

He suppresses the smugness he feels before it can show on his face, in his gestures, and says, voice smooth and deep, "Ne, Mari-chan, Gin-san only-"

"So I'll get you settled for the showing at 1:10 PM." She interrupts abruptly, typing on her keyboard. "You're in theater 5, your seat is 10E, please collect your snacks inside." She stamps something onto one of his coupons and slides them all back through the slot. She smiles robotically. "Have a good day. Next!"

Gintoki blinks, pushing off the glass. The couple behind him awkwardly wait for him to leave. He slowly takes his coupons. His eyes are blank as he walks towards the theater entrance.

Oi.

She couldn't even pretend.

Oi.

She couldn't even wait for me to finish.

Oi.

Is it time, God? Is the end here? Should I do it? Should I jump off a bridge? Are these the thoughts of a Madao? Am I a Madao?

Gintoki remains silent throughout his too-soon-to-be-possible midlife crisis, emotionless as gets his snacks and walks mechanically to theater 5 and up the aisle to row E. He sits down statically, eyes unseeing, placing his soda in the cup holder. Or he tries to, but it's already occupied and he blinks back to awareness, eyes on the person next to him.

Dark locks, blue yukata, long legs resting on the reclined seat.

Without a second thought Gintoki forces the lever to recline down and the seat jerks in an instant, Hijikata's legs flying down as his upper body shoots up. He lets out a yelp as he's jostled back into his seat, head swiveling so sharp eyes can glare at him.

"What the hell?!"

"Get out." Gintoki demands.

"Come again?" Hijikata asks through gritted teeth.

"You're the last person I want to see, pretty boy." Gintoki jeers derisively. Is that the kind of guy Mari-san would like? Hah? Just because Gin-san isn't that kind of model-handsome doesn't mean he belongs with the nose hairs and scraggle-tooths of the world!

Does he wash his face in the mornings? No.

Does he always shave his stubble? No.

Does he moisturize? No.

Does he take a shower every night? No.

Does he always wash his hands after he relieves himself? No.

Does that make him a dirty old man?

Yes.

.
.
.

Wait-

"That's my line, dumbass. Today's my first day off in a long time and I have to run in to you? Again?" Hijikata hisses. "I was having such a good time, too." He mutters, slumping into his seat.

"Well, by all means, Hi-ji-ka-ta-kun. The doors right over there." He waves his hand all willy-nilly, setting his soda in the other cup holder. His seat reclines with a thump and he shoves buttery popcorn in his mouth, munching noisily as he says, "Let it hit you on the way out. Fix that rotten attitude of yours."

Huh.

He can actually hear the man's teeth grind.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees Hijikata's face darken. Gintoki pays him no mind after a moment, the weirdly sentimental car commercial playing on the theater screen capturing his attention.

In hindsight, he should've realized what that crisp snap! was.

As it is, perhaps he should be grateful that it wasn't his neck, but he thinks, terror swirling in his chest, that maybe that would be preferable. He can only stare in horror as Hijikata swirls his mayonnaise over Gintoki's salty, buttery, free popcorn. Blue eyes stare him down fearlessly as he shoves the bottle deep within the bucket and squeezes more out, making sure to coat, to ruin, as much of his popcorn as possible. All is silent as Hijikata snaps the bottle closed and tucks it into his yukata.

"Let the sanctity of this mayonnaise fix your rotten attitude."

Gintoki stares at the atrocious, yellow, godless sacrifice in his lap for a second before he smacks it aside, a random yelp surfacing as it hits a movie goer. "Sanctity, my ass!" He screams, leaping up and yanking Hijikata with him, pulling him closer by his open yukata, his knuckles brushing bare skin for a moment. He snarls, "Gin-san knows you did that to destroy his popcorn on purpose! You're not slick, you shitty Mayora!"

Hijikata shoves his forehead against Gintoki's, all angry lines and a scowling mouth. He pushes Gintoki's head down with his own, glaring wildly into his eyes as he bites out, "I would never waste my precious mayo like that! Maybe if you weren't raised by fucking leeches you could recognize a gift when it's fucking given to you!"

"Mama Leech wants to know your location!" He spits, and surges forward, knocking Hijikata's forehead down. Hijikata struggles to raise his head and Gintoki forces him down further in an instant, so swift and unyielding that his eyes shut and a soft grunt leaves him.

Oh shit, he thinks as Hijikata stumbles back a little, that was cute.

No!

Bad brain! Bad brain!

Ignore the cute! Acknowledge the annoying!

Hijikata opens his eyes and glares sharply at him, but when the other patrons start yelling at them he huffs and plops back down onto his seat. He reclines it, wiggling around before settling down.

Cuuuuute.

...dammit brain.

Then Hijikata grabs his filthy sin bucket and proceeds to snack on his wicked creation.

Aaaaaaand the cute is gone.

It's then he notices the other movie patrons are still shushing them. Gintoki clicks his tongue at them before sinking into his seat, reclining it again. "You owe me another popcorn." He whispers.

Hijikata flicks a singular popped kernel at him and it bounces off his head.

His eye twitches. "You're hilarious." He says dully. "Now hand over the cash. Gin-san will take good care of Shureimon-san and friends."

"Shureimon says," Hijikata's eyes narrow, "not on your life."

His fist slams onto the armrest between them. "You ruined my popcorn! You owe me another! How is Gin-san supposed to maximize his movie theater experience without all the fixings?!"

Hijikata turns his eyes to the screen. "Shouldn't you be used to living within your means by now? Be grateful you still have that drink."

You Poor Bastard, went unsaid. Gintoki makes a sarcastic face at him before slumping back into his seat. He clenches his hand around the cold, wet cup and sips at the soda with a frown. The crisp, cool taste fizzes on his tongue and he mutters out, "You bought that shit with my taxes, dammit."

Hijikata, ever observant, mutters back, "Show me even one, one, form you filed for your taxes."

Gintoki pauses and purses his lips. "Everything is paperless nowadays…"

"Then pull it up on your phone."

He shifts in his seat. "It's...charging. At home."

Hijikata rolls his eyes. "Then shut up and let me watch this movie."

Gintoki grumbles under his breath but keeps his comments to himself. The movie still hasn't started, the screen showing a trailer for the long anticipated final movie adaptation of the Gintaman comic. Flashes of the silver haired main character and the people he's grown to love and who've grown to love him show on the screen, interspersed with declarations of promise and shots of action. Gintoki has kept up with the Gintaman comics in a sort of 'oh, that's still around?' kind of way, but he can't say he regrets it. In fact, he's proud of how far it's come and how many people it's reached. It's the last film, and even though the series has stretched out for nearly two decades, he wouldn't mind seeing the silver haired protagonist's handsome face for a little while longer.

Maybe there will be a sequel. Who knows? The author for that series has always been an interesting one. Regardless, he makes a note to take the kids with him to watch it when it comes out. The trailer ends and the screen widens and fades to black, the first notes of the beginning credits starting to trickle in. Which makes him realize….he has no idea what movie this is.

Taking his ticket coupon out of his pocket he squints in the dim lighting, trying but unable to read the title. Then he squints back up at the screen but it looks like he's missed the title credits.

He leans over to the other man and whispers, "Oi."

Hijikata scoffs. "God, you couldn't even last five minutes-"

"Oh, shut up! I just have a question, if that's alright with you, your highness?" Gintoki sneers in a hushed tone. "What's this movie?"

Hijikata pauses, then turns to look at Gintoki, confusion on his face. They're only inches apart, but Hijikata doesn't seem to notice. At least, not the way Gintoki does. "The fuck do you mean 'whats this movie?'" He breathes. "You bought the damn ticket."

"Actually." Gintoki murmurs, feeling a little overwhelmed being this close to the man, having that intense stare focused solely on him and not in an 'I want to kill you' way. "It was gifted to me. And I can't read the stub in this lighting."

Hijikata seems to freeze for a second before his eyes flick to the side. "Oh."

He abruptly turns his head away, and Gintoki blinks, ignoring the slight disappointment in his chest. Then that disappointment grows into delight as the lighting grows stronger as the scene transitions on the screen and he can spy a hint of rosiness on pale cheeks. Hijikata clears his throat. "Uh, actually I don't know what this movie is called either. Or what it's about. S-sougo switched my ticket, see? I came here to watch the new…." Hijikata stalls, lips parted, "...Fast and Furious?"

Oh. This man cannot lie. It's pathetic, really. Sad. Gintoki should throw him a bone. He would've, too, if he didn't find so much joy in bullying the officer. He calls Hijikata on his bullshit, smirking. "My, my, Vice Commander. Are you serious? Is this the mind behind Edo's federal police force? No wonder this town's going to shit, if Mr. Smartest Person in the Room can't even remember that there's no Fast and Furious movies out right now."

Hijikata clicks his tongue, bristling in his seat. "...it was a special showing! Deleted scenes and commentary from the last movie. Exclusive for premium members of the theater's film club." He fibs.

"And now you're bragging. Wow, Hijikata-kun, that's terrible for a man with a position such as yours. What's next? Huh? You gonna tell poor old Gin-san about the 300,000 yen steak you had for dinner last night? Gonna show off the fancy little robe the five star hotel in Roppongi gave you for free? Go ahead, Mr. Exclusive-"

"Oh, shut your stupid mouth! I didn't go to any hotel! I don't eat expensive steak! I barely have any time to myself at all!" He hisses.

"Well, that may be the first truthful thing you've said."

Hijikata gapes a little, caught in his lie, then scowls and hugs the popcorn bucket to himself. "I don't wanna hear that from you, you fraudulent moron."

"Oi!"

"Shuddup! Pay attention to the fucking movie!" He whisper-yells too loudly. When the other viewers start throwing them harsh looks, he snaps, "All of you!"

Even in a whisper-yell his authority is absolute, and the movie patrons snap their heads back to the screen. Well, except for Gintoki. Obviously.

Hijikata refuses to look at him, hand shoving mayo-popcorn into his mouth. Gintoki just stares at him in subtle amusement, sipping noisily on his drink. Well that's fine. Gintoki supposes he'll just have to watch the movie to find out why the man next to him seems so embarrassed by it.

****

It's a romance flick. Not just a romance flick, its a cheesy romance flick. Corny, predictable, a little bland. The leads do have nice chemistry but the plot is just too overused. He's a bad boy with nothing to lose, she's the nice, wholesome girl who will change him.

To think Hijikata paid to watch this. It doesn't seem to fit his personality at all, and yet, Gintoki thinks, watching how emotions shift across the other's face, completely caught in the pace of the story, Hijikata seems to be genuinely enjoying himself.

He's not surprised he finds this cute. Just disappointed.

Still, watching Hijikata is more interesting than watching the movie. He's completely absorbed into that little world, not taking notice of Gintoki's obvious stare at all. He observes how his brows raise and his mouth drops slightly, how his eyes widen or his lips break out into a small smile, how his fingers squeeze the armrest and his face tenses, how he laughs unexpectedly or leans forward in his seat, how his feet rhythmically sway, whatever it is, whatever he does, Gintoki notices it all.

He slurps the last of his soda and sets it back in the cup holder. His eyes flick back to his preferred source of entertainment, and he's shocked to see Hijikata's lips tremble, his eyes glassy and dewy. He looks to the movie for what seems like the first time since it started, and sees the two leads...dancing. Hijikata is on the verge of tears because… they're dancing. The young man holds his love interest close, their arms around each other as they slowly sway in a circle, staring lovingly into each other's eyes as the music, soft and hopeful, crescendos as they kiss.

He hears a sniffle and sees Hijikata with a slender hand to his mouth, eyebrows furrowed and glistening tears rolling down his flushed cheeks.

Oddly, Gintoki feels his chest warm. This is actually, he thinks fondly, the second time he's seen the feared demon cry during a movie.

...Hijikata's actually a pretty sensitive guy, isn't he?

The movie ends before he knows it, and it surprises him by killing off the girl. Perhaps if he'd been paying attention, he'd know why. Alas, all he can focus on is the way Hijikata's whole face quivers with his tears, the near silent, stifled sobs and little sniffles. The way he haphazardly rubs at his face, all splotchy with color and wet. And still.

Beautiful.

Gintoki knows he won't remember a lick of this B-grade drama. Hell, he still doesn't know it's name, but Hijikata. Oh, Hijikata.

He'll never forget watching a demon fall in love right next to him.

********

"You're a sick bastard Yorozuya." Hijikata says, glaring.

"Come on now, Hijikata-kun." Gintoki purrs, smug as he eyes the man with a salacious gaze. "You knew that before you walked through the door."

Hijikata glares even more fiercely but it does little to interrupt Gintoki's mood. Nothing can shake his leering eyes and lazy smirk, not when Hijikata looks so damn sexy dressed as a playboy bunny. He doesn't know what it is about fishnets that makes someone look so enticing, but Hijikata's long, graceful legs are certainly working them. The corset teddy really highlights the smooth, strong line of his shoulders and the delicacy of his collarbone, while also accentuating the definition in his chest and his slim waist. The bunny ears nestled in his hair is really the cherry on top, fitting despite the evil eye and biting scowl he's serving.

Gintoki leans back against the sofa, arms winding behind his head as his legs spread out. With a lazy grin he says, "Now do a twirl for me, precious."

"A twirl?" Hijikata asks, arms crossed and deceptively calm. "Sure, I'll do a twirl."

Oh?

"It'll be the least I can do after breaking your spine and fashioning your ribs into cutlery."

Oh.

"Yeesh, Mayora. No need to go that far. Gin-san just wants to see your bouncy little tail." He teases.

Blue eyes flash at him icily, lips pulled into an unsympathetic frown. Eventually he rolls his eyes and swivels gracefully on one stilettoed foot, only a flash of his fluffy tail and the perkiness of his ass seen.

Gintoki clicks his tongue. "No, no, no, Bunny-chan, that won't do. Gin-san hasn't paid for an hour for this kind of service."

"You haven't paid me at all!" Hijikata shouts, incensed. "If I was getting paid, at least I'd still have some dignity! Why did I let you convince me to do this?! Did a bomb go off one too many times near my head?!" He slaps lightly at his own head.

"Oi! Hands off the moneymaker! If you want to be hit, come lay on my lap." He orders.

"Why do you want to spank me so badly?! You ask every time!"

Gintoki rises from his seat, eyes shining with fervor, hands twitching as he raises them. "Have you seen your ass?! It's practically asking for it!"

Hijikata shoots him a glare so mean he withers back into his seat. "In the fun, sexy way I mean." He adds.

The playboy bunny groans in exasperation, head lolling back, the sharp line of his collarbone thrown into relief. "You can't. Touch." He ultimately decides.

Gintoki reigns in his disappointment, nodding. "Fine, fine. Now…" He trails off, gesturing with his hands.

Hijikata heaves a sigh before lazily turning around, baring his backside for Gintoki to leer at.

Ah, Gintoki thinks, sweaty palms on his knees as he leans forward, from his head to his toes, it's no wonder this man has a line of admirers. From his defined back to his tapered waist to the supple curves of his ass and down to his slender ankles, every shadow, every line, every shift of lean muscle under soft skin is a work of art, a creation of perfection.

Gintoki sighs in enlightenment. "Bend over-"

Hijikata stabs his foot between Gintoki's legs, an inch from his crotch. The heel of his stiletto digs into the cushion and causes Gintoki to flinch as he backs up as far from it as possible.

"Ahahaha, kidding! Just kidding! Alright, alright who thinks playboy bunnies are sexy anyway, right? So outdated, so retro..." Gintoki trails off with a nervous laugh as he eyes the sharp point of the heel, still alarmingly close to his crotch. "...so dangerous..." He mumbles.

Flats, flats, flats, who wears flats?

Ah!

Gintoki snaps his fingers and is instantly greeted by the sight of white, orthopedic shoes. He sags into the couch in relief, one hand closing around a slim ankle. Dark eyes trail up the pale, smooth skin of Hijikata's leg until the pink hem of a nurse's uniform enters his vision.

Success.

Hijikata looks down at the short, baby pink uniform dressing his body, his hand gently touching the nursing cap that replaced the bunny ears on his head.

He looks at Gintoki, unimpressed. "Seriously? You've got a thing for nurses?"

Gintoki grins lightly, caressing the calf in his hold and pressing a kiss to his knee. "It's a classic." He says, tilting his face to rest on the other's knee.

"It should be fineable." Hijikata mutters before yanking his leg away.

Gintoki opens his mouth to complain when Hijikata surprises him by sitting in his lap, perfect ass perched on his thigh with legs to either side, the dress stretched thin. He encircles the other's waist and pulls him back to rest more comfortably near his groin, back pressed to his front. Every point of contact leaves him eager for more and so he noses softly at Hijikata's neck, nipping at delicate skin.

Hijikata tilts his head back with a pleasant sigh, allowing Gintoki room to lay gentle, slow kisses along his neck as his hands start to wander. One travels to inch underneath the uniform hem scrunched over his upper thigh, the other smoothing over the flat planes of his upper body, roaming over enticing muscle. Hijikata moans softly as his finger grazes over a slowly hardening nipple.

Gintoki smiles into his neck before biting at his ear, murmuring, "This suits you so well. Who knew you'd look better in this than Ketsuno Ana?"

Hijikata stiffens in his arms. He faces Gintoki so fast his cap skews on his head. Pink cheeks, knitted brows, and wide blue eyes stare him down. "When have you seen Ketsuno Ana in something like this?" He demands.

Gintoki blinks. "Uh, oh you know. Here and there. A little bit of this, a little bit of a cute bikini, a little bit of some apron play." He grins, wiggling his eyebrows. "Sometimes I'll come back home from a long days work and we'll do the whole Mr. and Mrs. routine- ouch!"

Gintoki rubs at his thigh, throbbing from Hijikata's fist slamming down on it like the righteous gavel of 'oh no he didn't'. Hijikata slips from his grasp and stomps his way over to the center of the living room before spinning around and shooting a disgusted look at Gintoki. "You're unbelievable!" He hisses, arms crossing. "How could you make me wear the same thing as her?"

"What's the big deal? It's not like you're sharing the same underwear!...although..." He trails off as his mind conjures the images of Hijikata wearing cutesy, frilly panties- oof!

Gintoki's head smacks into the hard back of the couch, stinging, throbbing pain swelling in his nose after something round and metallic struck it. He moans and groans in pain, tears welling in his eyes as he delicately prods at his nose, blood staining his fingers. He glares blearily at a pissy, pouting Hijikata. "What the hell...?"

The dark haired man simply looks away. "You deserve it. Don't think gross things about me. Pervert."

"You almost broke my nose!" Gintoki looks around and sees a, a barometer?, on the couch next to him. "Where the hell did you get that?"

Hijikata scoffs and rolls his eyes. "Where do you think, you fucking moron? She probably left it. You don't even have the decency to clean up before I come over!"

Gintoki stares at him, annoyed. "Drop the attitude, Hijikata."

The abrupt change in tone makes Hijikata glance at him, and whatever he sees in Gintoki's humorless face makes him click his tongue and look away. The pain from his nose swiftly disappearing, he leans forward, elbows on his knees with his hands clasped as he speaks. "You don't need to concern yourself with her. The two of you are like orbiting planets," he smirks lazily, "I've made sure of it."

Hijikata stares blankly at the wall, the only indication that he's alive being the slow breaths that subtly move his chest. "Great." He says finally, dully. "Any other planets in this solar system?"

Gintoki scratches the back of his neck. "Not really. No one else really has planet status." When Hijikata remains strangely motionless, he adds appeasingly, "Comets are so fleeting, they can't compare."

Again, Hijikata is silent. Did Gintoki fuck up and not know it? He tends to do that, but the other party often violently lets him know he's fucked up. In fact, Hijikata's first instinct is normally a violent one when it comes to Gintoki, even if he hasn't fucked up. So this...weird stillness lining his body…

It's kind of unsettling.

Gintoki opens his mouth to- probably make things worse- when Hijikata cuts him off, asking, "Which one am I?"

He blinks stupidly. "Huh?"

"Planet." He clarifies, eyes never moving from the wall. "Am I Mercury or Venus?"

Gintoki shoots him an amused smile. "I mean, it's not like I actually rank you guys-"

"-If you had to choose." He interrupts, voice low, more serious than such a silly question should warrant.

If he had to choose, huh? His mind immediately flies to Venus. He doesn't know much about the actual planet, but he knows the name comes from the Roman goddess of love, and love makes him think of sex, and sex makes him think of Hijikata.

"Venus." He answers confidently. His confidence falters when Hijikata's face falls, and he didn't even know it had risen, the stirred up hope so subtle. "What's wrong with Venus?"

"Nothing." Hijikata says, bitter. "I love being second."

Gintoki's eyebrows raise slightly, taken aback. Second? Why….does that sound like-

"Hijikata-kun. Are you jealous?"

The man in question scoffs. "I am not jealous." He mutters. "Why should I be jealous?" He pauses, and Gintoki watches the way long lashes blink a little rapidly and his lips tense to stop quivering. Oh so softly, he hears, "Why should I care if your hands touch her, too."

Gintoki stares at him for a moment before he says, "They don't."

Hijikata slowly looks at him from beneath his lashes as Gintoki continues, "My hands, I mean. They don't touch her." He shrugs. "I like to look at her, mostly. Well, and I do enjoy the lovey dovey parts, but, in a kind of shallow way. I guess."

"Shallow how?" He asks quietly.

Gintoki shrugs again, leaning back on the sofa. "Shallow, like," he stares into blue eyes, a little shiny and a little riddled with insecurity, "like there's nothing for you to worry about."

Hijikata looks down at his orthopedic shoes and smooths a hand down his uniform. "Who said I was worried?" He huffs softly.

A wry smile crosses Gintoki's face. "You know, you're very lucky Gin-san thinks you're cute. Otherwise that lying mouth of yours would be in big trouble."

" 'm not lying." He mumbles.

"You were literally about to cry- "

"I was not..! I was- that was just- there was an eyelash stuck in my eye, okay?! It was painful!" Hijikata yells, eyes wide and clearly lying. He points a finger at Gintoki. "You wouldn't know anything about that, stubby!"

Stubby gasps, fingers coming to brush his aptly named eyelashes. "Oi! These are average length, asshole! Not all of us can have...! Have...!" Gintoki stutters, trying to think of something insulting yet comparable to Hijikata's long, thick eyelashes when he blurts out, "Peacock feathers! Broom brushes...! Moth...wings...?"

Hijikata gives him his patented 'god gave you an acorn instead of a brain, didn't he?' look.

"Shuddup." He barks, annoyance wrinkling his face. "Geez, Mayora. You're making Gin-san's blood pressure go up. And not where I want it, either."

"Good one." He mutters, sarcastic.

"You always get like this, you know. Never give me time to explain, always jumping to conclusions, getting all grouchy and jealous..." Gintoki pauses as an idea pops into his head. With a small smirk he continues, "What am I going to do with you," he snaps his fingers, "Kitten?"

Hijikata's nurse uniform is replaced by a sleeveless, black mock-neck tucked into slim black trousers, belted at the waist. Soft, black kitty ears poke out of his hair and a swaying tail unfurls behind him. The silver bell attached to the red collar around his neck jingles softly as he moves.

Hijikata holds a hand out and watches as his tail slowly coils around it. "Your fetishes are disturbingly normal."

"Oi, what is this? Damned if I do, damned if I don't?"

"This is what happens when you're a pervert."

Gintoki smirks. "Now, now, Kitten. If Gin-san was a real pervert, he'd make you call him master and force you to drink his milk, right?"

"You do!"

"Nonsense." Gintoki waves a hand dismissively. "If Gin-san was a real pervert, he'd tie you up outside during your heat and let the neighborhood kids mess with you."

"You have!"

"Ridiculous." Gintoki shakes his head in disappointment. "If Gin-san was a real pervert, he'd bottle up your tit milk and sell it to the masses."

"That is literally your business!" Hijikata roars, pointing to the sign above Gintoki's desk, written in bubbly font, Yorozuya's Toshi-milk!

Gintoki blinks. "Ehhh? Is Gin-san a pervert?"

Hijikata throws his head back and groans throatily, hands yanking at his hair in frustration.

"Oi, oi, who's the pervert now? Making such noises, pulling your hair. How shameless, Kitten." Gintoki wiggles his eyebrows teasingly, hand reaching out. "Come and let Master sate your needs."

A sleek black tail whips at his hand, and Hijikata snaps at him, "Master better shut up before this kitten goes feral."

Gintoki snorts and slumps back into the couch. "By all means. You're even cuter then." He shrugs.

The kitten scowls. "Forget what I said earlier, nothing about you is normal. Couldn't you have dreamed about me eating a bowl of mayonnaise or something?"

"What's normal about that?!" He snaps, and then replays his words.

Dreamed?

Ohhh. A sense of realization washes over Gintoki. He's dreaming.

Well.

That makes a lot more sense. Real Hijikata would've sliced his dick off by now.

Actually.

Real Hijikata would never come home with him.

That's-

Fine.

Hey, shouldn't he be waking up? Isn't that a thing? Once you realize you're dreaming you wake up? Gintoki looks around, but no, everything seems to stay where it is, solid. Hijikata still has kitty ears and a tail. He's still sitting on the couch.

He pinches his arm. Feels real.

He rubs his bare feet on the cold floor. Feels real.

He reaches forward and gropes Hijikata's flat chest. Feels real.

Hijikata's tail whips his face with no mercy. Feels real.

He grimaces and rubs at his swollen cheek, willing it to go away. And it does.

That's actually normal, though.

So he's totally not dreaming then?

Slowly, sweeping his gaze over Hijikata's annoyed face, Gintoki smirks. This is just his good karma, isn't it? Of course! Gin-san works his ass off, day and night, from dusk till dawn, patrolling Kabukicho's finest, (gambling), establishments, being such a perfect tenant his landlady is constantly praising, (cursing), his name, stimulating the economy by convincing, (tricking), other people who would otherwise not spend any money into picking up his various tabs. It's a lot of work but one he wouldn't give up for the world.

And well, Hijikata's always been a cat, right? He thinks back on his memories of Hijikata, all distinctly without kitty ears and a tail, but reasons that stranger things have happened. It totally works in his favor anyway, right? Prickly little thing just needs to relax, and what better way to do that and get in the mood than with a little something- a small tub appears in his hand- special.

"Oi."

"Mm?" Hijikata hums.

He rolls the tub in his hand, containing a crushed plant inside, contemplating. Eventually he decides he's not aiming for subtlety here and untwists the cap on the tub. The scent hits the air and Hijikata has an immediate reaction. Eyes dilating, lips parting as soft breaths escape him, sleek tail shivering.

Catnip can do wonderful things.

He smirks and shakes the tub softly, the subtle scent of mint and grass growing stronger. Hijikata lurches forward a step, something like a mewl rising out of him.

How cute.

Gintoki screws the cap back on and grins when Hijikata whines softly. He places it behind him, on the edge of the back of the sofa, before crooking a finger at him. With narrowed eyes and a wicked smirk, he offers, "If you can please me Kitten, I'll let you have the whole tub."

Hijikata bites his lip, eyes widening. "How generous." He says after a moment, trying and failing to sound uninterested.

"Right?" Gintoki's smirk broadens. "Gin-san's only thinking of your own pleasure, baby."

"Ugh," Hijikata shivers in disgust, but with the blush on his cheeks he isn't fooling anyone. "Keep your mouth shut and I'll see what I can do."

He scoffs. "You could sound a little more excited, you know." He beckons again with his fingers, "After all, it's your beloved Gin-san." He thinks for a moment. "Your beloved Gin-san's dick." He corrects.

Hijikata snorts into his hand and Gintoki cracks a grin. "C'mere kitty, kitty."

Blue eyes roll but he steps forward, only to stop when Gintoki snaps his fingers and points to the ground. This will be the real test, to see if Hijikata will dedicate himself to Gintoki's whims for the sake of that little tub.

Victory crows in his chest as Hijikata bites his lip and drops to his knees. Gintoki murmurs lowly, "That's a good kitten."

He watches as Hijikata leans forward on his hands, tail flicking out from behind him. Seductive blue eyes are trained on Gintoki as he slowly crawls forward, hips swaying. Desire sweeps through him, pulsing stronger with every soft jingle of the bell. Hijikata must feel the same, with the way he looks drunk with want the closer he gets to Gintoki.

He offers a hand out and Hijikata comes right to it, settling outside Gintoki's knee and nuzzling his face into his warm palm. He strokes gently over the velvety softness of his twitching kitty ears before cradling the side of his face, fingers brushing flushed skin and silky hair, thumb gently pressing at plush lips.

A delicate tongue flicks lightly at his thumb before wrapping pretty lips around it, sucking softly, eyelashes feathered onto his pink cheeks. Bright eyes peer open at him coyly, the blue nearly hypnotizing as he nudges his lips against Gintoki's thumb, subtly accentuating the plumpness of his mouth in a facsimile of a kiss.

Gintoki feels the heat pool in his gut, need sinking into his every nerve as he presses into that plush pout, opening up for him easily. A soft, wet tongue greets him again, obedient as he slides his thumb across the slippery expanse and then opens his jaw with a firm touch.

Hijikata is like an aphrodisiac himself, ambrosia of the most sinful nature, a feast for Gintoki and Gintoki alone. The smooth contours of his arms, the perfect sweep of his glossy hair, the way he sits on his knees and waits, the swell of his pink mouth open, delicate tongue lolling out, patient for sustenance-

It drives him wild.

Without warning, Gintoki slides two fingers inside that wet, warm mouth, the long, thick digits tickling across his tongue and bumping the hard roof of his mouth. Hijikata dutifully laps at them, rubbing, sucking, coating them in saliva, all while staring at Gintoki with wanton eyes.

Gintoki shoves his fingers in deeper, knuckles jostled against his soft palate, sliding down his tongue and into his throat. Hijikata chokes around his fingers, eyes tearing as he gags, a third finger slipping in his mouth to fuck his throat. He thrusts deeper, ignoring the pooling saliva, the soft muscles of his throat spasming. Hijikata's jaw drops wide to accommodate him, drooling as he prods the delicate, sensitive nerves of his mouth.

This is where Hijikata belongs, he decides, a tendril of arousal coiling in his gut, here on his knees, dewy eyed and docile for Gintoki only. Waiting to be used, wanting to please, he's so beautiful like this it makes Gintoki want to show him off. He wants to take him in front of the annoying public that's far too eager for an audience with the Vice Commander, bounce him on his cock right in front of their envious faces, make him plead and cry and hold himself open, leaking Gintoki's cum in front of those shitty bakufu officials who constantly make eyes at him, sit on the goddamn throne in the goddamn palace and turn him into a cockwarmer that not even the goddamn Shogun can touch-

"Gin-san!"

Gintoki's eyes snap open, and the first thing he sees is two pairs of big, round eyes. One royal blue, the other warm brown.

Ah, Gintoki thinks, disappointed. So he was dreaming. Dammit. They were just getting to the good part, too.

It's been a couple weeks since his last wet dream about Hijikata, but something about this one, from the vague notions floating in his brain, seems a little...off. Is off the word? To be honest, the memories are already slipping away and he can only somewhat recall a fleeting sense of-

"Gin-chan," Kagura complains, peeling back one of his eyelids, "gross, you look even more like a dead fish than normal. Right, Pachi?"

"Oi," Gintoki grumbles deeply, swatting her hand away, "that's just my eyes, not the rest of me."

She rubs the stubble on his cheek. "Scales, yes?"

Shinpachi chuckles as Gintoki just groans. "Moron, my gills would go there."

"What? No, gills would go on your neck!" Shinpachi refutes.

"Ah, who cares!" He gripes, fully awake now. "Quit bothering me! A handsome man like me needs my beauty sleep!"

"Eh, but Gin-chan, I don't think even an eternity could help you out. Some men come out already expired, yes?"

"Well, if that's the case- what do you mean I'm already expired?!" He grabs the Yato by the squishy cheeks and squeezes until she looks like a fish herself. She makes a 'glub glub' sound and then tries to mumble past the pressure on her cheeks. "What is she saying, huh Shinpachi-kun?! What is she saying?!"

"How should I know?" He states flatly. "Will the two of you calm down already? You don't want Otose-san to know you're awake yet, do you?"

Gintoki pauses. "Good call, Pattsuan." Releasing Kagura's face he pats Shinpachi on the head before turning onto his side and pulling his blanket over-

"That doesn't mean go back to sleep!"

"Okaaay. I'm up, I'm up! Sheesh…" Gintoki sits up, then pauses and looks down.

He's up, he's up.

Well, thankfully there's a blanket covering his lower half, so no one else has to know what's happening downstairs.

Gintoki stretches out his arms as he yawns, "Oi, oi. What time is it anyway, huh? It's not even 10 AM, why're you waking me up?"

"Gin-san," Shinpachi huffs, "it's already noon. Aren't you hungry?"

Noon? Gintoki peers at the clock behind him. Huh, so it is. And now that the remnants of his dream are all but gone, he is feeling hungry for other things, like food.

He scratches a hand through his hair. "Say," he glances at Kagura, who is currently tying her hair into her typical jockstrap buns, and leans closer to the glasses wearer, "you didn't let Kirby eat everything, right?"

Shinpachi smiles at him. "Of course not, Gin-san." His smile drops. "She ate it all anyway. I got half a plate of rice and two salt packets before she sucked it all down."

"Whaaaaat?" Gintoki whines. "Kagura-chan! Now what is Gin-san supposed to eat, huh?"

Kagura stares at him without sympathy. "Gin-chan should be grateful I'm not skipping meals, yes? A proper adult knows that kids need lots of food to grow up healthy and strong, yes? And Anego says I'm a growing girl at the age where lots of other kids are developing unhealthy body images and are trying to starve themselves, but not me because I always make sure to eat a lot, yes?"

"It's not just kids your age, my wallet is developing an unhealthy body image too! Oi, Wallet-kun! Gin-san likes curves!"

"Well, Gin-san," Shinpachi states blandly, like he's not expecting anything impressive from Gintoki, "you need to feed the wallet too then."

"Oh, so now I have five mouths to feed?" Gintoki complains. "Five mouths but all the food gets swallowed up by one." He stares pointedly at the Yato.

"Gin-chan, if you weren't a useless NEET this wouldn't be a problem, yes?" Kagura tuts and shakes her head. "Mami always said that men who can't keep their hair straight can't keep their life straight either."

"Oi! What's my hair got to do with this?! Are you saying my life went curly when my hair did?! Tell your mommy that girls who beg for a fourth and fifth and sixth helping can't complain when there's nothing to eat the next day!"

Kagura's cheeks puff out. "But Gin-chan!" She whines, flopping her head onto his shoulder. "You eat lots too, yes? Even Sadaharu!"

"I worked for it." Gintoki deadpans.

Both of his kids give him a Look.

"Alright, but I did pay for it."

Another Look.

"Some of it! Besides, I got it through the door, didn't I?" He defends.

Shinpachi sighs and then smiles good naturedly. "Well, no matter, Gin-san. Today, you won't need to worry about lunch. Although I wish we had a job instead," he mutters under his breath, "there's a pork bun competition taking place downtown. Kagura-chan and I will be going down there to eat our fill."

"Pork bun, eh? And there's no invite for Gin-san?"

"It's a competition for teens to young adults."

Gintoki nods. "So what time should I be there?"

Shinpachi and Kagura both pause, then exchange pitying looks with each other.

Kagura holds a hand up to cover her mouth as she leans over Gintoki's lap to speak to Shinpachi secretively. Of course, Gintoki can hear every cruel word she's saying. "Ne, ne, Shin-chan, Gin-chan's delusions are growing stronger, yes?"

Shinpachi nods his head seriously. "Yes, it's frightening how quickly the mind can unravel. One minute you have your whole life ahead of you and the next," Shinpachi glances quickly at Gintoki before whispering, "it's adult diapers and trying to capture the glory of your youth."

"What the hell?! How old do you think I am?!"

"Fifty." Kagura states bluntly.

Gintoki makes a noise like he's choking as his jaw drops. If his hair wasn't already silver the shock running through his system would've turned it.

"Oh, Kagura-chan's just kidding Gin-san." Shinpachi grins at him reassuringly and Gintoki's never been more grateful for the kid's sweet and honest nature. "We know you're forty." He corrects, pushing his glasses up his nose.

"Fo-forty...?" Gintoki wheezes. His face is so lost, eyes wide and shifty, mouth agape, that the kids can't keep up their serious facade and collapse into giggles. "O-oi! Guys!" He grabs them each by a shoulder and asks urgently, "You were kidding, right? You know Gin-san is only thirty, right? The hair is natural!" He shakes their shoulders, trying to get their attention, but it only makes them laugh more.

"Gin-san could run circles around you younger folks!" He says desperately.

"In your wheelchair?" Kagura giggles.

"Ahhh, you little brat!" He goes to smack her head but she dodges nimbly, which makes him freak out a little because maybe he is getting old. Shinpachi joins her at the door to his room, both with broad, teasing grins on their stupidly young and cute faces.

Shit. Had he ever been that young? That fragile? That precious? Even in his dismay, the sight of those smiles light up his heart.

"We'll be back in a few hours. Remember to aim for the toilet." Shinpachi teases gently.

Gintoki huffs, shaking his head, a slight grin on his face. "Is that a piss joke or a poop joke?" He calls out to their backs as they walk out of view.

"It's another age joke!"

"Bye Gin-chan!"

Bye, he thinks fondly.

He sighs in the sudden silence of his room. Yeesh. Little brats. Gin-san's gonna have a great day! One that's perfectly fitting for a man his age!

Well.

One perfectly fitting for a man who enjoys life like he's already retired. It's not his fault he enjoys having nothing to do! He has an old soul, alright? But that's the only thing old about him!

He'll sneak breakfast from downstairs, watch some dramas, read some Jump, take some naps. Maybe later on he'll hop over to Ikumatsu's for some good, cheap ramen, and even better! If he just so happens to stroll through town and spot a certain nicotine addicted hardass, he'll get some dango, too.

Yup, yup, yup. Today's going to be a great day. He stands up from the futon, groaning at the creak in his back and his knees popping on the way up.

Looking down he sees a bulge in his pants.

See. Not that old. First things first, time for a shower.

****