Chapter Text
Pharm skips school for two days before going to his emergency appointment with his therapist.
“I…I don’t know,” Pharm truthfully answers, suddenly shying away from his therapist’s gaze as she patiently awaits Pharm’s answer. “He kept…he kept touching me and…even when I got home, I could still feel his hands on me.” He shivers, pulling on his sleeves. “Showering was the only way…” The only way I could feel less dirty.
“Did he touch you sexually in that encounter?” Lamai asks.
Pharm shakes his head. “It doesn’t make sense, right?” he replies, a tear falling from his eye. He feels so stupid. “I know I shouldn’t be so dramatic but…” he trails off, wiping his face with his sleeve.
“He violated you,” she reasons. There’s not a hint of judgment in her tone and it almost puts Pharm at ease. “Not the same way as Kit, but it was still a violation.”
The man found him at school; stalked him and waited on him as if he was prey. Pharm didn’t want to be touched by a stranger, and it's clear that the man had picked up on that as well. Everything about that encounter seems calculated, and Pharm has every right to be as broken up and devastated as he should.
“I’m just…” Pharm sighs “...tired of crying about this.”
But he keeps crying about it anyway. And now everyone is worried about him again, and he hates that. How is he going to convince everyone that he’s okay if he breaks down over every little thing?
“Pharm, it’s only been three days since that happened,” Lamai points out. “The hurt is still very fresh.”
Pharm swallows.
“Do you mind telling me everything else the man said?” she asks.
Pharm is quiet for a while, Lamai can’t tell if he was purposely ignoring her or if he was still trying to process what happened to him.
But finally, Pharm takes a deep breath.
“He wants me to drop the charges against Kit because no one would believe me.”
“But people do believe you,” she immediately reminds him. “Even the police believe you.”
“It won’t matter if the judge doesn’t,” Pharm points out. ”If I take this to court, the judge is just going to see an attention-seeking gay kid and think I made the whole thing up.”
There's a heavy silence in the room. Lamai’s facial expression changes; something between sympathy and worry.
“Did he tell you that?”
Pharm bites his lip. He shifts in his chair, looking away from her once more.
“Pharm?” Lamai tries again.
“He…yes,” Pharm reluctantly answers.
“Can I ask you something?”
Pharm nods, reluctantly meeting her gaze.
“Do you believe that men - even gay men - can be raped?”
Pharm, despite the haze caused by his ever growing headache, knows where Lamai is going with this question.
“I…of course I do,” Pharm replies, but even he could hear the doubt in his voice.
He’s sure Lamai can too.
“But you’re the exception?”
"It's different," he argues.
"How?"
Pharm bites his lip. "P'Dean says it doesn't matter."
"Would you mind if I can also be the judge of that?" Lamai asks in the most polite way.
For the first time in the last three days, Pharm is actually relieved that he has been crying so much about the incident. His face has become so puffy and red with his constant sobbing, that Lamai wouldn't be able to notice Pharm blushing at the idea of even having this conversation…again.
“That night…with Kit…I…” Pharm feels the nausea gathering in his stomach. "I think I…orgasmed."
“You didn’t want it,” Lamai quickly says. “It doesn’t matter how your body reacted at the end; it’s still rape.”
And Pharm is sure that, maybe, there's a piece of him that believes that.
"From what Kit said, there's no way you didn't want any of it."
But there's another part of his brain that keeps replaying that man's words over and over again, his confident smirk still engraved in Pharm’s memory.
"Then why do I still feel so…" dirty, comes to his mind once again as he desperately tries searching for words "...guilty?"
"Because we've all been conditioned to believe that orgasms come with pleasure, and pleasure would mean that we consented." She pauses, hoping Pharm is taking in everything she says. "It's one of the ways our bodies might betray us, unfortunately."
“Is that another reason you’re scared to testify in court?” Lamai asks. “Because you’re afraid this will be brought up?”
Pharm nods, his gaze traveling to his lap. It’s embarrassing enough telling someone he sincerely trusts about all of this. Pharm doubts he’d be able to recover if this was brought up in court, especially when it’s going to be used to humiliate and plant doubt in his story.
“Pharm, there are hundreds of doctors willing to testify that a person’s reaction doesn’t mean anything. Your sexual orientation, your reaction - none of it diminishes what happens to you.”
Pharm can’t deny how good it is to hear that; just another ounce of validation to combat the warfare in his scrambled mind.
“We still have some time,” Lamai says suddenly. “You’ve had to go through a lot these past few days. You’re soon expected to make a final decision as to whether or not you want to continue taking this to trial. You want us to talk through it?”
It’s in that moment that Pharm’s mind begins to play out the chain of events that led him to this appointment in the first place - the strange man trying to force him to back out of the trial; Pharm crying in Dean’s arms until he couldn’t breathe; Pharm being too terrified to leave the condo because he was convinced that Kit’s goon was still watching and waiting for him.
Pharm finally nods. “Please,” he whispers.
When Win finds Dean at the library, his head is laying on top of his hands folded on the table. His eyes are closed and he's fallen so deep into his nap that he doesn't even twitch when Win drops his backpack onto the table.
Dean always worked as if he thought his body ran on batteries. He'd do everything; being an ace student at school, being president of the swim team, while managing to give 100% to everyone he cared about.
And then finally, as those batteries begin to die, Dean slows down before he finally crashes.
Dean never noticed it happening until it was too late.
Right now, Win can see the signs of Dean's battery quickly dying, and it absolutely scares him.
It’s been a while since Win has witnessed that happen. Specifically, it became something Win never had to worry about ever since Dean met Pharm.
The younger one has always been so good at doing what Win never could; getting Dean to take a damn break.
Everyone with eyes could see that Dean has a soft spot for Pharm, never able to say no to him for even the smallest things. But that superpower Pharm possessed was strong when it came to making sure Dean took care of himself, and Win couldn’t help but be grateful for it.
Win wishes he could take just a little bit of Pharm’s superpower right now and force Dean to eat a three course meal and sleep for the next ten hours.
Win takes a seat on the empty chair next to his best friend and sighs. He reaches into his backpack, pulling out a can of iced coffee that Dean loves, and then pulls out his notes and textbook.
He can't get himself to try and wake Dean up. A part of him wants to; he wants to wake Dean up and send him straight home so he can rest properly.
Win’s hand floats above Dean’s shoulder, but finally, the voice in the back of his head silences, and Win decides to let Dean sleep for a little longer.
Win would rather have Dean take an uncomfortable nap in the library than for him to waste valuable energy trying to convince Win that he was perfectly fine.
He only gets a few minutes of studying done before Dean stirs, sighing as he slowly opens his eyes.
"Win," Dean mutters, rubbing at his eyes.
"Hey," Win greets with a smile, gently pushing the can of coffee closer to Dean. "Figured you might need this."
"Thanks," he mutters in response. "I must have fallen asleep. How long have you been here?"
"Only a few minutes," Win answers. "Sorry I was late."
Dean mutters a quick “thank you” as he grabs his coffee and opens it.
"You okay?" Win asks.
Dean nods.
That was the wrong question to ask, Win realizes. Dean was fine, according to him. Because as long as Dean’s vision was intact, as long as he was still able to stand on both legs, and as long as he had enough determination to keep going, then Dean was fine-
-according to him.
Because, according to Dean, people had it worse than him, and there was no reason for him to be the center of attention.
As long as Pharm was still dealing with his rape, PTSD, and what was hopefully his first and last threat from Kit, then Dean was fine.
Because Pharm needs Dean to be okay - according to him.
It pissed Win off to no end.
“Are you sleeping okay?”
Dean remains silent.
Win sighs. “Dean-”
“I’m fine,” Dean says, taking another sip of his coffee. He sees how tense Win is and sighs. “The nightmares don’t happen as much,” he adds, knowing that would come up eventually.
“But they still happen,” Win points out.
“Win, I said I’m fine,” Dean insists. He subconsciously sits up straighter, as if that would be enough to prove that he was the epitome of health.
Win decides to pretend to believe him. There was a time and place for this conversation, and Win could suppose that their school library was probably one of the worst places to have it.
Dean starts to organize his notes and textbooks, and the boys begin their studies, comparing notes and quizzing each other as if nothing happened.
They only study for an hour before Dean’s phone goes off.
Win already knows who the message is from. The way Dean smiles and his eyes shine a little brighter before he begins tapping away at the screen.
“Lover calling you home already?” Win teases.
Dean smirks, side-eyeing Win before putting his phone to the side. “What?” he counters. “Team kick you out again?”
Joking and laughing, that was still a good sign.
Dean sighs. “He had a therapy appointment today,” he begins. “He’s been hanging out with Del all day but…”
“We should call it quits,” Win suggests with a nod.
They both start packing up their belongings and rising from their seats.
“Make sure you and Pharm get some rest,” Win says. He knows his advice is moot, but he tries anyway.
He’s sure Pharm will force Dean to get some rest as soon as he steps foot into the house.
And that’s good enough for Win.