Chapter Text
Kai couldn't help but to grimace as he lightly rested a hand on Beomgyu's shoulder and drew out the muscle pain the older was experiencing. A soft exhale was the only indication Beomgyu had felt any change as said man shifted in his bed, face relaxing. "Kai?" a voice hissed from the other side of the room and the maknae struggled to swallow a scream, "Hyung! Don't do that! You scared me.." the youngest pouted even though his hyung couldn't see him in the darkness. "What were you doing? Why aren't you asleep?" Yeonjun whispered. "I-uh...I was checking if Gyu-hyung had fallen asleep yet" Kai explained anxiously hoping Yeonjun-hyung would believe him. "Mmm go to bed." was the response and Kai felt his shoulders drop in relief and he slunk out of the room to go back to his own. 'That was close' he thought as he snuggled under the covers, 'he was going to have to be more careful, this was the third time one of his members had caught him sneaking around at night'. A hiss of pain slipped through his body as Beomgyu's muscle pain twinged and dug it's claws into his own body. Thankfully it would be gone by morning, that was the blessing of Healing at night, he could sleep it off.
Kai had underestimated the seriousness of Beomgyu's stiffness, getting out of bed that morning had been a struggle, Soobin ended up needing to help him sit up. The leader of course had been terribly worried about their maknae but Kai insisted that he had just slept wrong and would be fine if he stretched out. Beomgyu on the other hand was happily bouncing around crowing about the miracles of Aloe Vera cream. Kai couldn't help but smile, his hyung thought the Aloe Vera cream had healed him! Despite the worries of his members the pain Kai was experiencing did indeed fade by the time practice began in earnest much to the boy's relief. Practice went wonderfully and everyone went home to the dorms happy and proud with the improvements they had made that day. Kai was put in high alert when he noticed his leader favoring his right leg. "You okay Hyungie?" he asked. Soobin started in surprise, "Oh! Kai-ah! Yeah, I'm okay just stubbed my toe." Kai nodded and went to play some games with Taehyun in the living room.
It was clearly more than a stubbed toe Kai noticed in dismay. Soobin was still favoring his leg and when Yeonjun had bumped into it as the eldest plopped down to sit next to the taller Soobin had flinched in pain. Kai shook his head and focused on the game. He had been plagued with Beomgyu's muscle pain the entire morning and really didn't want to deal with Soobin's pain now, not when he was playing games and having a fun time. The maknae frowned at his selfish thoughts but were they really selfish? Didn't he deserve a break? He constantly took the members pain away, from sore throats to sprained wrists Kai absorbed it all. Sure it didn't last as long and the pain he felt wasn't actually damaging to his body. He just felt what ever the person he Healed would feel and the person who he Healed symptoms and pain would subside. So why shouldn't he Heal Soobin? 'But- there's no good excuse not to!' he told himself 'I was given this gift so I should use it!'
"I won!" Taehyun whooped and Kai threw down his controller groaning good-naturally and pulling himself off the floor to go Heal Soobin who was currently struggling under a clingy octopus named Yeonjun who seemed determined to stick his finger through their leader's dimple. Kai sat down next to them with a huff and leaned against his Gum who sent him a expression pleading for help. Kai laughed even as his ankle throbbed, Soobin's pain transferring to him in sharp waves. "You're on your own Hyung!" he said forcing cheerfulness that luckily no one saw through. Despite not being noticed being a good thing for the 18 year old he couldn't help feeling a little hurt his hyungs didn't worry about him. This was a common feeling for someone like him who did so much for others but was never appreciated or even recognized. It was even harder because if he was found out then he'd probably be sent of to some lab to be poked and prodded with needles as some kind of freak. 'I am a freak' he thought biting his lip as his ankle ached, 'definitely NOT a stubbed toe' he mused peeking over at his hyung who looked more relaxed and was still struggling to remove Yeonjun's index finger from his dimple.
A smile pulled at the corners of Kai's mouth, he could deal with the pain and the lack of acknowledgment if it benefited his members, his hyungs, his family. The smile slipped when his ankle protested loudly, 'why had Soobin hide such a bad injury?'. A movie was turned on and everyone curled up on their couch, pressed together like sardines. The love and warmth that filled the air eased Kai's pain and he laughed along as the characters joked around on the TV. Some days were hard and that would be true for the rest of his life but this was his reward, his compensation for all the pain he went through. A family of five loud, goofy, passionate, loving dorks that meant the world to him.
"ai! Kai!" he blinked his eyes open squinting in the sunlight. "Nnnghh 'yung?" he groaned face partially mushed into his pillow- 'his pillow?!'. Kai sat up confused, "Did I-?" "You fell asleep on the couch so Soobin carried you to bed" Taehyun answered, "Now hurry up we have a Music Show to go to tonight!!" That was right! It had been a while since the whole of TXT went together to a music show, Soobin had been MCing so often that they hardly ever arrived together. (imagine Covid19 didn't happen). Kai sprung out of bed, well he tried to, a searing pain in his ankle had him collapsing on the floor and garbled scream bursting from his chapped lips. "Kai!!" Taehyun yelled falling to his knees next to the Maknae. "What happened?!" Yeonjun asked bursting into the room, "Kai!" Soobin and Beomgyu cried in unison as they rushed in after Yeonjun. Kai forced himself to give a sheepish smile and sat up, "Sorry for making you guys worry, my foot was just asleep and I was being dramatic". His members sighed in frustration. "Now's not the time to joke around Kai." Soobin said sounding disappointed and Kai couldn't help but curl into himself, "Sorry Hyung, it won't happen again." he said apologetically. "Breakfasts ready" Yeonjun said shortly leaving the room followed by Soobin and Beomgyu who looked exasperatedly at Kai. Taehyun stood up and looked down at the Maknae who sat in a small, (as small as he could being 6 ft) huddle, bony shoulders pulled to his ears. "Now's not the day Kai-ah" he said much softer than Soobin but he also looked disappointed and it drove another wedge in Kai's fragile heart.
"Sorry" he mumbled not meeting Taehyun's eyes, "Whatever, breakfasts ready, hurry up." Taehyun instructed leaving the room. Kai bit his lip hard, trying to will away the tears that filled his eyes. It wasn't fair, he was in pain and his hyungs weren't helping. 'Why would they?' he asked himself coldly, 'they can't help if they don't know'. It was true. He was alone in this, he was different, he would never be able to fully fit in as long as he kept this secret. And if he did they'd probably hate him or be freaked out. Kai cursed under his breath as salty tears slid down his cheeks. His ankle hurt, his hyungs were mad at him and he was a freak.
~Time Skip Because The Author Didn't Know How To Write More Emotional Whump Without Crying~
Kai was on his absolutely best behavior. He had been since this morning, determined not to disappoint his members again. They were at the music show along with a few other groups awaiting their turn to have an interview and showcase their dance for viewers at home. There was A.C.E who TXT greeted warmly, the vocal unit of Seventeen who they chatted with for awhile about being a new 'family', Weeekly was there, as well as Treasure and Stray Kids. Call it his intuition or Healing vibes but Kai couldn't stop observing a specific member of Stray Kids who didn't look very good. He watched as the member excused himself and hurried towards the bathroom. Maybe it was his need to Heal but almost in a daze Kai rushed after him. With him being so eager to not disappoint his hyungs this was a wrong move. Not only did Kai not tell anyone where he was going but TXT was due on stage in six minutes. To busy getting everything ready his members didn't notice as he ran after the Stray Kids member.
TW!!!! Anxiety is mentioned from here to the end!!! TW!!!! I HAVE JISUNG FROM STRAY KIDS EXPERIENCING ANXIETY. I AM AWARE HE SUFFERS FROM THIS IN REAL LIFE AND IN NO WAY AM MOCKING HIM OR TRYING TO DRAW ATTENTION TO HIS MENTAL STATE> HE IS JUST THE STRAY KIDS MEMBER I FELT WOULD FIT THE BEST!!
Kai slowly pushed open the bathroom door, "Hello is-" he was cut off by horrible retching coming from the last stall. 'stomach bug or food poisoning' he reasoned moving further into the bathroom and towards the last stall. The door wasn't closed and Kai could clearly make out the figure hunched over the toilet. "Jisung-sunbaenim?" he said softly and the man in the stall jumped and spun to face Kai eyes blown open in fear. "I-I argh" Jisung buried his head in his hands ears burning red at the humiliation of being seen by such a well known junior emptying his stomach contents into the toilet. Kai placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, "It's okay Sunbaeni-" his voice caught in his throat as the waves of anxiety and fear rolled into him, tying his stomach into knots within seconds. 'NOT a stomach bug or food poisoning' he thought trying to pull himself together. "you okay?" Jisung's voice broke through the fog and fear in his mind. Jisung himself looked much better, the color had returned to his face and his eyes were much clearer.
"I-" Kai's voice cracked and he suppressed a shiver, "Yeah, yeah I'm fine, how about you sunbaenim?" Jisung gave him a concerned look but smiled, "Much better actually! I think you must have a magical healing touch!" Kai stiffened thoughts running wild, 'Did he know?! Would he tell people? They were going to think he is a freak!! He was going to be taken away from his hyung and be dissected to study! Or put in the military to heal wounded soldiers for the rest of his life!!' "Kai!" a voice broke through his destructive thoughts but it wasn't Jisungs, it was....his managers? Kai turned and was met with the sight of his manager bursting into the bathroom. "There you are! You're supposed to be on stage!!" he yelled frantically. Kai stumbled back, breath speeding up, "W-what!?" He was supposed to be on stage? NO! He definitely disappointed his hyungs! "Kai" Jisung's voice was calm, "You need to stay calm and strong for your hyungs, can you do that?" the rapper asked, Kai nodded shakily and Jisung gave him a warm smile, "I believe in you! You helped me, you can help yourself, you're strong, now go!" Kai nodded and was off like a shot running past the manager and towards the stage.
He hurried on stage, bowing low in apology. "There you are Kai!" Soobin's voice sounded cheerful but Kai could here the anger underneath (guys Soobin isn't being mean, Kai missed an important timing and it is understandable, as a leader Soobin would be angry). "hehe" Kai laughed rubbing his neck sheepishly, "Sorry about that I-" "Had a wardrobe malfunction" Yeonjun interrupted, "Yeah, I'm really sorry" Kai said going with the flow. The rest of the interview went horribly. Kai was trying frantically to act normal but his anxiety 'no! not his, Jisung-sunbaenims!' he told himself trying to will the bad thoughts away. His members were definitely not helping. It wasn't obvious to anyone but the members but Soobin and Taehyun were clearly pissed and Yeonjun and Beomgyu pretty much ignored him. There was no affectionate hair ruffles or cheek pinches that he usually got as the maknae and while the others all cooed at his aegyo it was clearly, to Kai at least, fake and forced. Or was that Jisung's anxiety talking?
Kai didn't know if he was relieved or terrified that their interview and performance was over. At least he didn't have to worry about emptying his rolling, cramping stomach all over the MCs but now he had to worry about being scolded by his angry and disappointed members. And after he had disappointed them this morning too!!! Kai swallowed his saliva and tried to calm himself in preparation of the dressing down he would receive as soon as the dressing room door closed. "Click" why did a door closing have to sound so ominous?! Kai bemoaned glaring at the floor shoulders draw to his ears. "Kai." Soobin's voice is hard and Kai can't help the trembling of his hands. Their leader never yelled or swore but in all honestly Kai would have rather have that then the leaders disappointed Dad voice that always made them feel so guilty. Taehyun on the other hand had no problem cussing, "What the fuck was that Kai?!" the second youngest asked angrily. "Hyun" Yeonjun warned, "Let Soobin scold him". "Kai" Soobin said again, "look at me". Kai couldn't move, his eyes prickled for the second time that day and his throat and lungs felt tight. 'It's not my feelings. It's not my feelings. It's not my feelings.' he repeated over and over in his mind. "Huening Kai!" Soobin's voice was a tad bit louder and Kai flinched, 'full name and raised voice Hyung must be so angry at me' he thought fearfully. A few tears escaped his eyes and he found he still couldn't move.
His stomach was churning and the flood gates had opened. He was lucky he was looking down so the others couldn't see his face. His luck ran out soon as Soobin took his chin and pulled his head up so Kai would look into his eyes. The leader froze in shock at the tears that dripped down the maknaes cheeks and onto the floor. "Kai?" Beomgyu gasped, "Baby are you okay?" Soobin's voice held no more anger only worry and Kai broke with that earnest question. He let his legs slid out from under him and sat on the ground in a curled up ball sobs wracking his body. His four members were by his side immediately, asking what was wrong and assuring him they weren't that mad. Kai was an absolute mess. He blabbed too fast for the others to understand but they picked out, "Too hard" "SorrySorrysorrysorrysorry" "Too much" "I didn't want to disappoint you" "Hurts" "I don't want to be like this" " cuddles" "I'm bad" and "why can't I be normal". The others were distraught at their youngests turmoil and he was enveloped into a massive group hug as everyone murmured assurances, praise, apologies and showered him with kisses and hair ruffles. As Kai slowly calmed down he remained silent in his members arms. 'It may not have started out as my feelings but it sure as heck showed me that I feel a lot of this too' he mused struggling to keep his eyes open. 'It was hard being a-what was he? A Healer? A superhuman? An angel? It doesn't matter' Kai concluded, 'I know who I really am. I'm a maknae. I'm a little brother. I'm an idol. I'm Huening Kai. That's what matters' he thought as the world slipped into calm, quiet blackness, sleep claiming him.
Tomorrow TXT would have to have a talk but for now they would just take there sleeping Maknae home and make sure he knows just how much he was loved. As TXT made their way down the hall with Kai passed out on Soobin's shoulders they passed Stray Kids and Jisung called out after them, "When Kai wakes up, please tell him thank you! He really helped me!" before the four young men could ask how Jisung and his members were gone. "I wonder what Kai did?" Taehyun wondered, Soobin shrugged, "Probably something awesome and helpful." The others nodded gazing at the sleeping maknae fondly. "He's our little angel." Yeonjun said quietly. Beomgyu snorted, "You're right Eomma". Yeonjun pouted and turned his puppy eyes towards Soobin, "Did you hear that nampyeon!!?" Soobin flushed and TXT headed out the door as Beomgyu and Taehyun cackled at their leaders red face.
nampyeon=hubby in korean
eomma=mom in korean