Archive of Our Own ^beta

Julian walked back to his bunk lost in thought; 8,000 people dead, or more accurately, had ceased to exist, since the Defiant had not crashed on that planet and was instead on its way back to DS9. He sighed and laid down, trying to organize his thoughts, which were spinning faster than even he could make sense of.

He had caught a glimpse of Ensign Angie Kirby, his future (past?) wife back on the planet, and had indeed thought her pretty, but she was not the main focus of his spiraling thoughts. That title, as usual, went to Garak.

Garak, who he had almost never seen again—Garak, who was waiting for him back on DS9. No, not waiting for him—they weren’t close enough for that, but oh how he wished they were. He wished Garak would be waiting for him when he stepped out of the airlock; his face would light up in one of those rare, genuine smiles and they would greet each other with a kiss, going back to their shared quarters and—but no. Garak didn’t think of him like that; in fact, he seemed infatuated with that Ziyal girl, which Julian thought was ill-advised for more than just her age. How old was Garak, anyways? Would he ever know for certain?

Julian chuckled at the thought; Garak was so secretive he barely knew basic details about the other man. Although, based on what he knew of Cardassians, Garak likely wasn’t more than twenty years older than him, give or take. Not that it mattered much, but he would like to know a bit more about the man he was in love with.

Sighing again, Julian turned to face the wall; he decided to get some sleep, but gave up after what felt like hours. In reality it had only been 20 minutes, but his impeccable internal clock didn’t change the feeling that time was passing like molasses.

Julian’s thoughts turned back to the planet;to his great-great-great granddaughter who no longer existed but had looked at him with such glee and reverence as they talked about medicine. He wondered how long it had taken him to chase after Ensign Kirby once he realized they were never getting back to DS9—not that he could foresee any change in his relationship with Garak happening anywhere but his dreams. He wondered if he had been happy on that planet and wondered if he would be now, in this timeline.

Footsteps outside the door shook him out of his thoughts and he looked over as Miles walked in.

“Hey, Chief, how’re you doing?” Julian smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring way.

“I just can’t believe that they’re gone,” Miles shook his head, hoisting himself up into his bunk, “and after we had already decided to sacrifice our lives for them, too!”

“I only wish we could have figured out a way to both get what we wanted,” Julian sighed, “but Jadzia said it wasn’t possible”

“I thought you were all excited about that Ensign,” Miles looked down at his bunkmate accusingly, “you wouldn’t shut up about her back on that planet!”

“I was! I mean, I’ve never seen myself as the type to settle down like that, but I saw her earlier and she’s very pretty!”

‘Probably not as good a conversationalist as Garak, though’ He added mentally.

“Oh? Did you ask her out?”

“Not yet,” Julian ran a hand through his hair distractedly.

“What’s going on?” Miles scanned his face as though he could read his friend's thoughts on it, “You were so excited earlier, now you don’t seem to have any interest in her!”

Julian mumbled something half-heartedly and turned his back on the engineer, feigning an attempt at sleep.

He was very nearly asleep when he heard his friend say quietly, “It’s Garak, isn’t it?”

Turning over so quickly he nearly fell out of his bed, he stammered out, “What? What about Garak? I wasn’t thinking about Garak! What are you on about?”

Miles looked at the younger man’s panic and sniggered.

“You think you’re subtle about the way you look at him?”

Gaping at his friend, Julian groaned and covered his face.

“Do you think he knows?” He asked quietly, giving up his weak pretense, “Maybe he keeps me around out of pity; look at the poor naive doctor, in love with someone who can’t love him back”

“Love?!” Miles yelped, “you’re in love with him?”

Propping himself up on his elbows, Julian looked at his friend in disbelief.

“I thought you said you knew how I felt about him!”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think you were in love with him!”

The two men stared at each other for another second, before Miles huffed and laid back in his bed.

“In any case, you should tell him,” he murmured, “I don’t understand it, but I understand love, and I don’t think it’s as one sided as you think.”

“You mean it?” Julian was hesitant to hope, but his traitorous heart had given a leap at the thought.

“I see the way he looks at you,” the engineer smiled at his friend’s tone. He could almost see the doctor’s shy, hopeful smile through the dark.

Julian rolled into a more comfortable position, reassessing every interaction he’d had with Garak for any sign that the former spy returned his feelings. Belatedly, he realized Miles had wished him goodnight and was currently fast asleep and snoring.

Smiling softly, Julian tucked his contemplation away for another day, heart filled with a newfound hope, easing his way to sleep as the Defiant continued on toward home.