Archive of Our Own ^beta

Mafuyu stops half a street away, spotting Ritsuka waiting by the bus-stop. He lets himself watch him for a little bit, out in the wild. He’s leaning against a wall, hands in his pockets, looking effortlessly cool and casual. It makes Mafuyu laugh to himself a little, he can see the way Ritsuka tries to emulate Akihiko in stature and behaviour whether it be a conscious choice or not. The fact that he’s nervous is betrayed in the way he curls his shoulders forwards, disguising their breadth somewhat.  The size of his chest and shoulders is really the only reason Ritsuka doesn’t look lanky. He’s grown a few inches since they’ve met, whereas Mafuyu has stayed the same height. He’s tapping his foot. As Mafuyu starts walking towards him, he can hear his music coming tinnily from his cheap headphones. His good ones broke a week ago apparently and he doesn’t get paid for 2 weeks so he can’t buy some more, and he won’t wear his really good ones outside in case something happens to them. He recognises the song as Blueberry Eyes. He told Ritsuka the song reminded of him in passing once, many months ago.

Ritsuka spots Mafuyu at the last moment, breaking his cool composure and ripping his headphones out. The music gets even clearer, and he scrambles to pause the song on his phone. Mafuyu watches the whole spectacle with barely concealed amusement. After Ritsuka manages to sort his music out his hand flies to his neck, blushing more furiously than Mafuyu’s seen him do in a while.

“Hey, you alright?” He tries, in an attempt to be casual.

Mafuyu just laughs and hugs him, but quickly. They’re in public. Ritsuka doesn’t seem to mind though, hugging him back without hesitating. Mafuyu has only seen him once since he came out to his parents and that was at practise, so they haven’t really had time to talk about what's been going on his house since. But Mafuyu takes the sight of him in, and he seems okay. No dark circles under his eyes. Anymore than the normal ones, anyway.

“Where are we going?” Mafuyu asks, sitting at the bus stop,

“Oh we’re not actually getting on the bus,” Ritsuka replies, “I just wanted to meet you somewhere near the place we’re going without giving away the surprise.”

Ritsuka smiles a little and gestures for Mafuyu to follow him. It reminds him a little of the first time they hung out together, buying the effect pedal. It excites him a little, blindly following Ritsuka like this. He always shows him new things. As they walk along, Ritsuka takes his hand and holds it. When Mafuyu looks up at him in surprise he looks away, embarrassed, but Mafuyu smiles at him anyway. The street is pretty much empty, but there are still a few people walking around who could see them. Ritsuka has changed so much recently and Mafuyu is so proud of him. He’s proud of himself too, for playing a small part in it. Mafuyu loves the idea that he’s helped Ritsuka even a fraction of the amount Ritsuka has helped him.

Ritsuka stops in front of a small restaurant Mafuyu always walks past but has never gone in. It looks expensive. Mafuyu follows him as he walks in, confused, but apparently Ritsuka has made a reservation and they’re shown to a small table near the back. Mafuyu just looks at him in shock, as Ritsuka removes his coat and scarf. Ritsuka isn’t looking at him on purpose, still embarrassed. By the time he finally makes eye contact, Mafuyu has been staring at him for about two minutes.

“What?” He says, raising one eyebrow.

What? Mafuyu doesn’t even know where to start, “…you’re wearing a shirt.” He manages to say.

 Well, apparently that’s where he’s starting. Ritsuka is wearing a plain white button-up shirt of which he is currently rolling up the sleeves. Now that Mafuyu looks at him straight on, he can also see that he’s done his hair. Well, he probably didn’t do his hair. Everything about his appearance screams Yayoi, but Yayoi definitely knows what she’s doing. He looks so handsome. Ritsuka very rarely flusters him this much, but Mafuyu can feel his cheeks heat up.

“…so what?” Ritsuka mutters. They’re both flustered messes here. But Mafuyu isn’t going to lose.

“It looks really nice on you. I feel underdressed.” Mafuyu smiles his most angelic smile and Ritsuka’s eyes go wide. Bingo.

“No, don’t!” He shouts a little bit too loud, making a few people look around at them. He looks down and carriers on in a mutter, “You look really…um, g-good too.” It’s not as spectacular of a reaction as he used to get, but he’s still winning this.

“Thank you.” He giggles, “This is really fancy. What’s the occasion?”

“I just thought…we haven’t been…out, just us in a while. And…” He looks even further down into his lap, “I thought it would be nice, to do something more…I don’t know…romantic.” He says the word ‘romantic’ so fast and so quiet that Mafuyu barely catches it, but when he does figure out what Ritsuka said his insides suddenly feel fuzzy. He feels his cheeks get redder. Maybe he’s not winning this. But Ritsuka isn’t trying to win, he’s just being himself. A genuinely kind boy trying to make Mafuyu happy. Mafuyu still hasn’t really worked out how to deal with the way it makes his heart swell up enough to press against his ribcage. He slides his feet forward under the table to hook them around Ritsuka’s calf. He has to make do with this limited amount of contact.

“It is really nice,” he smiles at Ritsuka, a genuine one, “it looks expensive though.”

“Ah it’s okay, my dad gave me money and told me to treat you.”

Mafuyu is extremely surprised by this, and a little touched too. It also seems like the perfect segue to ask how Ritsuka’s family have been treating him recently, but at that moment a waiter comes over and hands them menus.

“Wait…it’s sushi?” Ritsuka mutters under his breath,

“Is that a problem?” Mafuyu asks,

“I don’t like sushi.”

“Then why did you bring us to a sushi restaurant?”

“I asked Yayoi if she knew any nice places where I could take you. She knows I don’t like sushi!”

Mafuyu laughs and Ritsuka exclaims, “It’s not funny!”. But it is funny, and when Mafuyu keeps laughing Ritsuka smiles a little bit. “She’s such a shit.” He sighs.

“Why don’t you like sushi?”

“I hate tuna and I hate salmon roe and is raw fish even safe to eat?! I don’t understand it.”

“It is safe to eat. And there’s sushi without tuna and salmon roe.”

“Yeah…well…whatever. I don’t like sushi.” He grumbles.

When it’s time to order their food Ritsuka tries to just order a small mountain of plain cucumber maki, but Mafuyu stops him and orders a wide enough selection that he’s sure Ritsuka will like some of it. Mafuyu’s mum makes sushi all the time. It’s one of his favourite foods. He’s been wanting to come to this restaurant since it opened actually, but never had the money or reason to do so. Ritsuka lets him order but adds a small plate of cucumber maki anyway. Just in case. The only reason Mafuyu lets him do so is to stop him pouting. Even though he loves the way his face looks when he’s pouting, he’s not in the mood to tease Ritsuka too much today. Not when he’s being so sweet.

When the food comes, Ritsuka tries one piece and doesn’t like it. Mafuyu explains it was the tuna that he ordered for himself, but Ritsuka doesn’t budge. Just sits with his sad cucumber sushi looking sorry for himself. Mafuyu is stuck between exasperation and fondness. He probably could have guessed Ritsuka would be a fussy eater. He’s not spoiled exactly, but he has the things he likes and the things he’s good at and sticks to them. But today it’s Mafuyu’s turn to get Ritsuka to discover new things, instead of the other way around. Mafuyu is used to Ritsuka quickly giving in whenever he asks him to do things he doesn’t want to do, so when Mafuyu tries to persuade him to try more he’s surprised at the resistance. Eventually, he gets so fed up he picks up a piece of sushi with his chopsticks in one hand, grabs Ritsuka’s face with the other and pushes the piece into his mouth.

He won’t admit it, but Ritsuka likes it. Mafuyu can see it in his face. He won’t admit it, but Mafuyu picks up another piece and he opens his mouth willingly this time. Mafuyu manages to do this a few more times, but when Mafuyu manages to get a picture Ritsuka gets embarrassed and starts eating for himself. They’ve both been laughing quite loudly during this process, and Mafuyu notices one woman looking at them vaguely scandalised. But it’s only her, and they’re far enough in the back that no-one else seems to notice or otherwise care. As long as Ritsuka doesn’t notice her, Mafuyu doesn’t care either. He feels a little bit like they’re kids playing at being adults and not really doing it correctly, but that’s okay. They are kids, and it’s okay they don’t know what they’re doing.

"Hey Mafuyu?" Ritsuka mutters when they've just about hoovered all of the small feast in front of them,

"Mm?" Mafuyu tries to reply, still chewing his last piece,

"I'm...gay."

Mafuyu had already assumed this. But he looks at the way Ritsuka's eyes glimmer, somewhere between proud and anxious, and the way he twists the napkin in his hands and feels terrible for assuming. Mafuyu has had an easier time than most regarding coming to terms with his own identity. Ritsuka definitely hasn't had it so easy.

So Mafuyu smiles at him, "Cool...me too." he replies softly.

He moves his hand across the table to pull the napkin out of Ritsuka's hands, replacing it with his own hand instead. Ritsuka lifts his free hand to scratch at his neck, chuckling as he looks down. "Sorry...that was weird," he mumbles, "I've just never said it out loud before."

Mafuyu wants to kiss him so bad it hurts. He's so proud. He settles for squeezing Ritsuka's fingers instead, "It's not weird. You're the coolest." He whispers.

When Ritsuka looks up he catches Mafuyu's eye and grins. He's changed so much. He's changed so much and Mafuyu loves him. He loved the version of him before, he loves the version of him now, and he'll love every version of him in the future.

"Thank you for getting me this far." He says, and it makes them both laugh. How far they've come. When the waiter comes over with their bill Ritsuka doesn't move his hand away from Mafuyu's. Ritsuka pays the bill with his dad’s money and they walk out giggling together.

By the time they leave it’s gotten dark outside. It’s still January, so the street is freezing and deserted. They walk back to Mafuyu’s hand in hand, but with their linked hands stuffed in Ritsuka’s coat pocket. Mafuyu still wants to ask him about his family and would rather do it before they get back to Mafuyu’s.

“…how’s your mum been?” He attempts,

Ritsuka stares at the sky and hums, “Uhhh…okay, I guess? It’s a little awkward, but she still talks to me fairly normally. She won’t ask about you, but I’d rather that than have her look disgusted with me all the time.”

Mafuyu’s heart sinks, “Oh…Ritsuka…”

Ritsuka turns his head and smiles at him, “It’s okay. I mean it’s not, but it’s…tolerable. Dad asks about you, he wants to meet you. Yayoi asks about you, even if she is a shit. They’re working on her. And…” he squeezes Mafuyu’s hand, inside his pocket, “…it’s so much nicer, just being able to talk about you? Tell them when I’m going to see you? Not feeling like I’m lying all the time? I get to have a picture of you as my phone background now without feeling paranoid. So, I can deal with things being a bit awkward with my mum.”

Mafuyu goes on his tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek, and Ritsuka turns his face into it, “Have I told you you’re brave?” Mafuyu whispers in his ear.

Ritsuka smirks, “You’ve mentioned it…”

“I’ll mention it again then. I’m glad it worked out, kinda?”

He chuckles, “Yeah…I guess you’re worth the trouble.”

Mafuyu presses his face into his arm. He said it as a joke, but it means a lot to Mafuyu. Ritsuka’s been through so much, because of him. He’s so happy he thinks it’s been worth it. “Good.” Mafuyu whispers.

Ritsuka takes his other hand out of his pocket and tucks a strand of hair behind Mafuyu’s ear, running his knuckles along his jaw, “Hey, you okay?” He asks, voice all soft,

“Yeah, I’m great.” Mafuyu sighs, “I just love you a lot.”

“Okay…” He chuckles again, “I love you too.”

“Your dad wants to meet me?”

“Yeah but don’t get too excited. He’ll just bore you talking about guitars the whole time.”

“I still don’t know that much about guitars. I just know how to play them, kinda?”

“Kinda?” Ritsuka raises his eyebrows and shakes his head in mock disappointment, “Guess I’ll have to teach you some more then.”

“I guess you will.”

Mafuyu leans his head against Ritsuka’s shoulder and they walk like that back to Mafuyu’s house. When they get in, they greet Kedama and quickly shed their outer layers. Ritsuka doesn’t freak out when he enters Mafuyu’s house anymore. He knows where to put his coat and his shoes. He knows how to open the door in a way that stops Tama from being able to run out. He fits in here, in his home. His mum isn’t here, she’s working another night shift. He doesn’t like her doing these shifts. They mean they’re on completely different schedules and he never gets to see her, but he has to admit they’ve been rather convenient lately. Not that his mum minds Ritsuka being here. She loves him, in fact. But still…convenient.

The heating is on, so they both warm up rather quickly. But Mafuyu’s hands are still freezing, so he reaches his arms around Ritsuka for warmth. Ritsuka pulls him in immediately and hums happily in the catlike way he sometimes does. On impulse, Mafuyu slides his hands under Ritsuka’s shirt.

“Motherfu—” Ritsuka gasps and jumps from Mafuyu’s icy hands on his bare skin, “Your hands are fucking freezing.”

“I know,” Mafuyu whines, “I’m warming them up.” He squeezes Ritsuka tighter and buries his face in his chest to stop him from moving away. Not that Ritsuka was moving away anyway, the jump being more reflex than anything else. His skin is warm, and Mafuyu really only did this to warm his hands up. He’s only just now realising it’s the first time he’s touched Ritsuka’s skin like this, and that Ritsuka has been inside long enough that the blush on his face probably isn’t from cold anymore. In fact, as soon as his fingers touched him, Mafuyu’s mind immediately went to less pure places. But Mafuyu has been pushing Ritsuka a lot in that area recently, he doesn’t want to pressure him anymore. Especially since last time Ritsuka stopped talking afterwards. Even if he did say that wasn’t anything to do with Mafuyu. He’s still worried. He wants Ritsuka to be comfortab—

Mafuyu’s train of thought is cut off when Ritsuka kisses him, and his mind goes even more blank when Ritsuka’s hand slips just the tiniest bit under Mafuyu’s t-shirt. His hand isn’t cold. It’s warm. He’s always so warm and Mafuyu finds himself pressing closer. He wants to bask in the sun. He tries to resist, but Ritsuka today…it’s been too much. The shirt and those stupid rolled up sleeves and the way they make his arms and shoulders look. The top button undone. His hair all slicked back away from his face. He’s wearing aftershave too, and he’s freshly shaven. He can tell by how smooth his face is under his fingertips, which have somehow migrated to Ritsuka’s jaw without him noticing. He took him to a restaurant because he wanted to be romantic. He held his hand in public. He tried new things, because of Mafuyu. Mafuyu loves him so much, and he doesn’t know what else to do with all the love inside of him.

Mafuyu takes Ritsuka’s hand and pulls him towards his bedroom. But his grip on his hand is loose, and he walks slowly. Ritsuka can let go if he wants to, doesn’t have to follow Mafuyu if he doesn’t want to. But he does, he follows Mafuyu laughing under his breath. He kisses Mafuyu first when they enter his bedroom. He cups his face in his hands and smiles as he kisses each of Mafuyu’s lips in turn. Mafuyu curls his fists against Ritsuka’s chest and just lets him kiss him how he wants. It feels dramatically romantic, like they’re standing on a seashore in a romantic period drama. Ritsuka is so close Mafuyu has to crane his neck back to kiss him, and it makes him feel small. Mafuyu walks back slowly and Ritsuka follows, staying connected by the lips until the back of his legs hit his mattress. He sits, separating them, and shuffles backwards onto the bed. They stare at each other a little, full of meaning and affection, but Mafuyu can’t bear the distance. He reaches forward and pulls Ritsuka onto the bed by his belt loops, earning him a huff of surprise and a smirk in return. When they kiss this time, he can feel Ritsuka’s resistance strain enough to snap any second. There’s one hand on his waist, and one underneath his back and he can feel every fingertip even through his clothes. When they kiss this time, it feels like the start of something more. Mafuyu doesn’t want to get his hopes up and doesn’t want to push too hard either, but it feels like something is happening. Ritsuka opens his mouth just a little, inviting him further. He makes the tiniest little noises, like he’s desperately trying to stop them but having limited success. He feels Ritsuka’s resistance dissolving like a sweet on his tongue, and he hopes just a little bit more. Until Ritsuka stops kissing him back. He doesn’t pull away, but his lips stop moving and his hands gripping Mafuyu go slack. Mafuyu opens his eyes and sees that Ritsuka’s eyes are open too, staring off into the headboard. Mafuyu pulls his head back and places his hands firmly on Ritsuka’s cheeks to bring his attention back.

“What’s wrong?” He whispers,

Ritsuka looks at him, eyes all pupil but opened wide in almost-panic, “Are we going to have sex?” He blurts out in a strangled voice.

Mafuyu sighs a little. He thought something like this might happen. That’s why he’s been thinking through what he’ll need to say to reassure Ritsuka in this situation. He doesn’t have the exact right words, but he’s not caught off guard.

“…it’s…an option.” He replies, carefully.

“Is that what you want?”

“If I didn’t want to it wouldn’t be an option.”

Ritsuka looks at him for a second, swallows, then rolls off him. He covers his face with his hands and lets out a low groan. Mafuyu rolls on to his side to face him. He gives Ritsuka a second, but then removes one of the hands covering his face, intertwining their fingers and bringing it to his lips to kiss the back of it.

“We don’t have to, right now…but you should know, it’s an option.”

“Right.”

Ritsuka breathes out a sigh, turning his head slightly towards Mafuyu but not looking him in the eye, “…did you…with Yuki?”

Mafuyu was expecting this too, but it doesn’t mean that the question doesn’t make his insides twist. He understands why Ritsuka would want to know. But it barely feels relevant to him. This is a new person, new feelings, new situation. A new first time. It’s completely different. “Yes.” He breathes, watching Ritsuka’s reaction closely. He doesn’t seem upset about this information, at least.

“Is that why you’re not nervous?”

“I am nervous.”

Ritsuka turns his head a little more, finally looking at him in the eye, “Why?” He asks, lightly drawing his eyebrows together. He genuinely doesn’t understand.

“Because we haven’t done this before.”

“But you’ve done this before.”

Mafuyu knows he has to be patient and explain. But the answer to him is so blindingly obvious it makes him sad that Ritsuka doesn’t see it. But Ritsuka is still insecure. He’s come a long way, they’ve come a long way, but he knows better than anyone it’s hard to see through Yuki’s shadow sometimes.

“But we’ve never done this before. This is new for us.” He brings Ritsuka’s hand to his lips again, kissing each of the knuckles.

“…so it’s different?” Ritsuka watches him, barely breathing the words.

“Of course it’s different. It’s our first time together.” Mafuyu then realises Ritsuka hasn’t said he actually wants to do this, so he backtracks, “Or it will be. At some point. It doesn’t have to be now.”

Ritsuka moves his head a little closer, so Mafuyu can feel his warm breath on his lips when he speaks, “I…I think…no, I do want to, now, but I’m just…worried. I guess. What if I do something wrong? What if I’m not as good as—” Ritsuka abruptly stops, biting his lip and screwing his eyes shut.

“As Yuki?”

“Sorry…I didn’t mean to say that—I know you said I shouldn’t try to be like him, and I’m not, but it’s just…hard not to compare. In situations like this.”

Mafuyu knows Ritsuka doesn’t want to think things like this. The guilt is written clearly on his face. Mafuyu feels an ache too, because this isn’t the same as when he sang Yuki’s song. That situation was devastating because it could have been avoided. But this is a pain he could never avoid giving Ritsuka. It came pre-parcelled with him when they started this relationship. For better or for worse, Yuki has most of his firsts. Now as he takes most of Ritsuka’s firsts, Ritsuka has to deal with the fact that he’s Mafuyu’s second. Except Mafuyu doesn’t think of it like that. It doesn’t feel like he’s done any of this before, and in fact he hasn’t. It’s different because it’s a different person. Ritsuka has taken all of Mafuyu’s firsts with Ritsuka.

“It’s okay, I understand why you’d think that. But Ritsuka…it’s not that I want to do this because I just want to have sex. I want to do this with you, because it’s you. It’s not about good or bad, I just want to experience this with you.”

“But—”

“And it’s not like you have to figure it out on your own. I can tell you. And you can tell me. And we work it out together.”

Ritsuka lets out a breath, and Mafuyu can see the muscle in his jaw relax, “…we work it out together…” he says it slowly, and Mafuyu watches as the corner of his mouth lifts slightly over the words. He kisses the corner and it makes it turn up even more. So he kisses it again. He feels Ritsuka’s breathing start to get heavier, so he keeps going. Kisses each eyelid. The space between his eyebrows. The mole behind his ear. The underneath of his jaw.

“I love you so much.” Mafuyu whispers, “I just want to feel you. All of you.”

Ritsuka hums and shifts his chin up in response, allowing Mafuyu better access to lightly graze his Adam’s apple with his teeth, “Say it again.” Ritsuka says, and his voice is low, and Mafuyu can feel it vibrate through him.

“I want you. Ritsuka.”

“You really do?”

He finds a spot on Ritsuka’s neck that makes him sharply inhale and smiles, “I do.”

Ritsuka dips his head down to catch Mafuyu’s lips and pulls him on top of him. Mafuyu feels the last thread of Ritsuka’s resistance snap, and he finally gets his everything. The way they kiss doesn’t change much. The way Ritsuka holds him doesn’t change much. He still holds him tenderly and gently, because Ritsuka is tender and gentle. But it doesn’t feel like he’s scared of breaking Mafuyu anymore. Mafuyu doesn’t feel fragile anymore. Technically, not much changes, but it feels so different. He feels trust, and he feels love and he feels a scorching heat. Less like a gentle summer evening and more like the heat of the stage lights bearing down on him.  When he was younger he would always sit too close to the fireplace, liking the way it made his skin tingle, and his mum would always drag him back. He doesn’t have to move back anymore. His skin tingles all over and the only thing he can focus on is the ragged breathing of the boy underneath him.

Ritsuka places a hand on the small of Mafuyu’s back and sits up, keeping him close as Mafuyu sits up with him. Their lips separate and Ritsuka looks up at Mafuyu as if he’s something holy. His pupils are as dilated as he’s ever seen them, irises all black with just the smallest halo of blue around them. Eyelashes so long they curl up and press into his eyelids. He’s flushed, but not red like when he’s embarrassed, just the most delicate wash of pink across his cheekbones. His eyes glimmer with unrestrained affection and Mafuyu can barely breathe as he looks down at him. He looks like a young God. A Greek myth to be painted thousands of times across history. If he’s Achilles, then Mafuyu is Patroclus.

“I love you.” He whispers, and Mafuyu can’t quite believe it’s given to him so willingly. It’s a blessing and it’s his salvation. His voice is low and husky like it is first thing in the morning, but even more so, and static shoots down his neck and his insides quiver at the sound of it.

Mafuyu slowly unbuttons Ritsuka’s shirt, fumbling just a little bit but managing eventually to pull it off his shoulders. Ritsuka tugs his t-shirt off him much more quickly. They both make soft noises when their fingers touch bare skin. His skin feels extra sensitive, so he feels every fingertip, every callus as they graze across his back. He presses his hand to Ritsuka’s chest, across his heart so he can feel it beating. It’s much faster than normal, but still steady and strong, just like it’s owner. Or maybe Mafuyu owns it now. He’s so alive, this boy beneath him. The body underneath the shirt is just a body. Just a teenager, just growing into it. Not too skinny, not too muscular, but sturdy, with an impressively nice set of shoulders. He’s beautiful. Mafuyu needs to touch, to explore the new expanse of skin in front of him.

“I love you here.” He breathes as he kisses along his shoulder blades.

“And here.” He kisses along his collarbone.

“And here.” Up his neck.

He pushes him down gently onto his back, “And here,” along the line running down the middle of his chest,

“I love you here.” He kisses the softest, squishiest part of his tummy.

Ritsuka whimpers, and the sound is devastating, and pulls Mafuyu back up to his face by his hair. Mafuyu kisses every part of his face he can reach. “And here, and here, and here…” Ritsuka starts giggling, and that sound is devastating too. He clumsily rolls his way on top of Mafuyu, nearly toppling both of them off his tiny bed and then they’re giggling together. Mafuyu is still giggling when Ritsuka’s lips meet his, and the kiss is more desperate, more needy than the one’s before.

Ritsuka’s hands find their way into Mafuyu’s hair and he detaches from Mafuyu’s lips to kiss his nose. “I love your nose, it’s so cute.”

Mafuyu scrunches it, and then Ritsuka dips his head down to nestle into his neck, “I love your hair,” he chuckles, winding it around his finger, “it’s so soft.” He traces one hand down Mafuyu’s side. It’s his left hand, the one with calluses. The touch is feather-light and gentle, but it makes Mafuyu shiver. He feels the afterimages of heat burning into him where his fingers have been. “Your skin is soft too.” Ritsuka whispers right in his ear, and this time Mafuyu whimpers, involuntarily arching his back just so their bodies can be closer. Ritsuka inhales in response and lightly kisses his way to Mafuyu’s Adam’s apple, “I love your voice.” He purrs, and it vibrates through him again. He makes another noise. In the back of his mind, he’s slightly embarrassed about it. Ritsuka is the virgin, he’s the one who should be making noises. But he can’t help it, not when he finally gets to have Ritsuka like this. Ritsuka giggles against his throat and it’s the best feeling. “God, I love the way you sound.”

Mafuyu whines Ritsuka’s name and feels the way it makes him shudder and press into him more firmly. He takes his other hand and entangles it with Mafuyu’s, pulling it up and holding Mafuyu’s hand down over his head.  “I love your hands. I love your fingers.” He runs his thumb over the calluses on Mafuyu’s fingertips.

Mafuyu pulls him up and sloppily kisses him, biting down on his bottom lip to try and coax noises out of him in return. It works. It goes on and on, no need to stop anymore. No need to rush either, so Mafuyu tries to savour it. It starts off slow and lazy but gradually, unavoidably gets more fervent and intense. Mafuyu wants to go slow, to make sure Ritsuka’s comfortable, but his entire body is aching with need and he can’t help pushing harder, and harder, and Ritsuka’s pushing back just as hard. That is, until he abruptly pulls back. He presses his face into Mafuyu’s shoulder joint and stays there, panting. Mafuyu takes a second, panting too. He can’t help lifting his free hand to his lips, which are burning and swollen. In a good way.

“Are you okay?” he manages, still breathing heavily.

Ritsuka groans, and Mafuyu really can’t believe the physical reaction he keeps having to the noises he makes. It takes him another few seconds until Ritsuka manages to speak, “Y-yeah—I’m great, I’m just—” he runs out of breath.

A big breath in, “Just…holy shit. This is—” pant, “intense.”

“We can stop.” He doesn’t want to stop. But he would.

“Absolutely not.”

That makes Mafuyu laugh, and Ritsuka starts laughing too. His grip on Mafuyu’s hand loosens, and Mafuyu takes that opportunity to wiggle it from his grasp and run both of his hands through Ritsuka’s hair, ruining the careful styling but not caring. His hair is slightly sweaty.

“You’re so warm.” Ritsuka ponders, trailing his fingers down Mafuyu’s chest. He has no idea what his touches are doing to him. They’re so soft, so gentle, there’s no reason why they’d send all his nerve endings on fire. But they do, and Mafuyu is helpless beneath his fingertips.

“You’re the one who’s warm.” He manages to reply. It’s an understatement. Ritsuka is practically the sun. He’s Apollo.

“You’re warm too then.” Ritsuka smiles into his neck,

“Only because of you.” It has a double meaning. He feels so warm he can barely remember feeling frozen.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I like it.” Mafuyu turns his head slightly to kiss Ritsuka’s temple and grips onto his hair a little tighter.

Ritsuka raises his head and stares at him for a while. Soft look in his eyes, hair a dark halo around his head, strands falling back onto his forehead. He brings his head back down to rest his forehead against Mafuyu’s. Nose against nose. His eyes are so close Mafuyu can see flecks of colour in them.

“I love you so much.” He murmurs, and then smiles so hard his eyes almost close. Mafuyu feels it in everything he does.

“I love you too.” He murmurs back. He wants to show it in every one of his actions.

Ritsuka looks down, breaking their eye contact, which is pretty hard when their eyes are only centimetres away from each other. He blushes a little more, so Mafuyu figures he’s about to say something he thinks is embarrassing. “Mmm, Mafuyu?”

Mafuyu hums,

“Which—like how…what way, are we gonna…you know, do this?” He stutters.

It’s a question he wasn’t expecting. He’d just assumed…but this is Ritsuka. He wouldn’t assume. Mafuyu realises that he doesn’t have to do this the same way he always has. He can try new things, if he wants to.

“Which way do you want?” Mafuyu asks. That’s the more important question.

Ritsuka blushes harder, which is adorable, but forces himself to make eye contact again, “I mean…Mafuyu I don’t know anything about this…I didn’t want to assume anything…so, I just— I’ve thought about it…both ways? So, whatever you’re more comfortable with, I guess?”

Mafuyu raises his eyebrows, can’t resist teasing him, “You’ve thought about it?”

Ritsuka groans again, pressing his face into the pillow next to Mafuyu’s head. “Obviously I’ve thought about it, you idiot! So what?” The pillow muffles his shout and Mafuyu laughs. He’s glad he can still tease him in this situation.

“Nothing, nothing, it’s just nice to know.” He giggles, “But…I think…with that, we can just do it like this,” he gestures to the position they’re in, with Ritsuka on top of him between his legs, “because, um…that’s what I prepared for. But it doesn’t mean we have to do that each time. We can try both.”

Ritsuka turns his head on the pillow to face him, and a smirk spreads across his face, “You prepared? Were you expecting this to happen?”

It’s Mafuyu’s turn to blush now. Ritsuka can give as good as he gets. It used to happen very rarely, but it’s happening more often now. Mafuyu’s losing his upper hand. Technically that’s a good thing, but he doesn’t enjoy getting called out like this.

“I just thought that maybe it might happen!” he protests, “So what?”

“Nothing, nothing,” Ritsuka laughs, “it’s just nice to know.”

Mafuyu pouts, and Ritsuka raises himself on top of him again with a grin. He takes advantage of Mafuyu’s pouting lips to kiss him, and Mafuyu isn’t stubborn enough to resist it. He loves the way Ritsuka’s broad shoulders eclipse him, the way Mafuyu’s legs hook easily around his waist, he loves the delicate but deliberate way his hands travel over him. It’s intense but soft, fervent and gentle, desperate and devotional. Mafuyu loves him. Loves his duality. The part of him that’s determined and passionate, and the part of him that’s soft and kind, existing together in the way he presses his body against him.

Mafuyu blindly searches around in his bedside table to find what they need. Ritsuka’s hands tremble when he tries to undo his jeans, and Mafuyu has to do it for him. But they don’t tremble when they touch Mafuyu. Ritsuka doesn’t know what he’s doing, and he’s clumsy, but he’s good at taking direction. Not just in what Mafuyu says, but in every shift in breath, every slight change in facial expression, every twitch of his body. He homes in on all of it, constantly adjusting, changing, learning what to do. Muscle memory must take over at some point, putting years of playing guitar to a different use. The things Mafuyu has imagined those fingers doing to him before, as he watched them dance across the guitar strings. He knows Ritsuka can’t stand being bad at anything, so Mafuyu watches the grin spreads across his face when he realises that what he’s doing is right. It gets wider every time Mafuyu cries out, eyes sparkling with enjoyment. As for Mafuyu, his entire body is on fire, every nerve ending sparking. It’s so intense Mafuyu struggles to breathe, never mind talk. He can’t believe Ritsuka was worried about this not being good for him. But eventually he doesn’t want to be the only one feeling like this. He wants to hear Ritsuka’s noises, look at his face as he becomes undone. Ritsuka stops when asked, immediately worried.

“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” He cups Mafuyu’s face in his hands, shifting instantly to gentle again,

Mafuyu shakes his head, “No,” he huffs, “I just, I need you to…please…”

“You want me to—”

“Yes.”

Ritsuka stares at him a while, brushing the hair out of his face. The direction of his gaze shifts between each of Mafuyu’s eyes, searching for something.

“Mafuyu…are you here?” He rasps.

“…what?” He has no idea what he’s being asked.

“Sometimes…your mind goes off someplace where…I can’t reach you. And I-I understand why, and that’s okay— I’d never ask you to be here all the time. But right now, for this, I need you to be here. With me.”

He brings his head down to rest his forehead against Mafuyu’s, as he always does. The look on his face is so open and so vulnerable it makes Mafuyu ache just a little bit. He takes both of Ritsuka’s hands, intertwining his fingers with one and moving the other to Mafuyu’s chest, right over his heart. “I’m here,” he whispers, “I’m right here. There’s only you, right now. Only us.” He means it. His head is so full of Ritsuka, all of his senses completely full of him, he couldn’t even begin to think about anything else. He’s never felt more present in a moment.

“Do you promise?” He moves his face closer, breathing the words over Mafuyu’s lips,

“I promise.” He squeezes Ritsuka’s fingers.

“I love you, Sato Mafuyu.”

“I love you, Uenoyama Ritsuka.”

They kiss, as they have a thousand times just today, and they smile against each other. Ritsuka’s hands start trembling again, and it’s Mafuyu’s turn to cup his face in his hands.

“It’s okay, it’s just me.” He says against his lips,

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t. Just go slow.”

His hands fumble again, “Mafuyu I don’t know what I’m doing.”

He moves one hand and Ritsuka inhales sharply against his mouth, “Just move.”

He does, almost comically slowly, asking almost every ten seconds whether or not Mafuyu is okay. It makes him laugh, and Ritsuka laughs too, pushing just little harder. But only a little. Eventually, eventually, something shifts, and something fits, and they both groan in unison.

“Fuck—” Ritsuka pants, “Did I hurt you?”

Mafuyu shakes his head so hard he knocks against Ritsuka’s forehead, “Ritsuka, please move.” He whines.

He pushes and pulls at Ritsuka’s hips, showing him what to do, until Ritsuka works it out. It’s clumsy, they’re teenagers who don’t really know what they’re doing, and they’re in a single bed. It should be awkward, but it’s not. Or it is, but it doesn’t matter. They giggle into each-others mouths between their gasps, and once again Ritsuka is a remarkably quick learner. In no time at all, Mafuyu throws his head back and arches his back against the white-hot heat collecting in his belly. Ritsuka asks if he’s okay again, and Mafuyu begs him not to stop. He doesn’t, but he takes both of Mafuyu’s hands, interweaves their fingers and holds them on either side of his head. They’re no longer really kissing, just swallowing each-others noises. It’s too intense for them to move their lips properly, but also too intense to move any further away from each other. When they finish, as they do at the same time, they both clutch desperately at each other’s hands. Mafuyu forces his eyes open, just so he can watch Ritsuka’s face, only to find Ritsuka watching him too. He looks divine, a bright shining light perched above him. He’s blinding and breath-taking and ethereal and he’s the most beautiful thing Mafuyu thinks he’ll ever see.

As they wind down Mafuyu wraps his arms around Ritsuka’s neck. Ritsuka wraps his arms around his waist and they roll onto their sides. They nearly fall of the bed, again, and suddenly they’re laughing. Mafuyu has his face tucked under Ritsuka’s chin, so he feels his voice box judder as Mafuyu laughs against his sweat-slicked skin. They hold each other like that for a long time after they stop giggling, enjoying the impossibly warm and comfortable atmosphere between them. Mafuyu can’t remember the last time he was this happy. He feels the same way he did when he came off stage at the CAC, still riding the high but all at once exhausted. He feels consecrated. Ritsuka trails his fingers up and down his back, and Mafuyu’s skin is still impossibly sensitive. He shivers and Ritsuka squeezes him even closer.

“Are you cold?” He murmurs into Mafuyu’s hair,

He shakes his head, feeling as it tickles Ritsuka’s nose and makes him smile. That’s why he did it. “No, I’m warm.”

“Should we shower?”

“We should…” he sighs, “but can we stay like this just a little bit longer?”

Ritsuka hums and moves his hand to play with Mafuyu’s hair. As he always does. As Mafuyu lies there, he feels a sort of inevitability about this situation. Even if all the bad things hadn’t happened, he would have found his way here eventually, he thinks. Yuki was his soulmate for the period of time he was alive, for the person Mafuyu was then. But Ritsuka is his soulmate for the person he is now, and he needed to become the person he is now. He likes himself much more like this. He thinks him and Yuki stopped each other growing, in a way. Both of them not wanting to change into a person different to who they were when they were children, different to the person the other fell in love with. That’s why Yuki didn’t tell him. He breathes in, taking in the scent of summer and flowery shampoo and the sea, and thinks he doesn’t feel so much completed by Ritsuka, as he did with Yuki, but complete when he’s beside Ritsuka.

They shower together, for no other reason than Mafuyu refuses to let go of him. They don’t do anything else but kiss the whole rest of the evening, they don’t need to. Mafuyu doesn’t feel the nervous anticipation, the casual desperation for intimacy anymore. They just exist comfortably, together. Ritsuka touches him confidently, whenever he wants to, without getting embarrassed. Without being scared. They go to bed relatively early, both exhausted with their legs still shaking. Mafuyu takes his place lying on top of Ritsuka’s chest, listening to his heartbeat.

“I guess you’re not a cute little virgin boy anymore.” Mafuyu ponders,

“What the fuck?!” Ritsuka coughs,

“Before, you were cute because you acted like such a virgin. But I guess you’re not anymore.” Mafuyu tries his best to say it with a straight face, but he can’t help a shit-eating grin spreading across his face as he tries not to laugh.

“I-what-th—fuck, that’s—” Ritsuka stammers, haughtily offended, and it’s too much for Mafuyu and he can’t stop the laugh that works its way up. Ritsuka stubbornly doesn’t laugh, brows knitted together. But Mafuyu can see the corner of his mouth twitch upwards.

“Give me back my virginity then.” He scoffs and rolls his eyes, but Mafuyu sees his mouth twitch again.

He pushes himself forward to kiss Ritsuka, biting his still-swollen lip, “No,” he smiles, “It’s mine now.”