Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“It’s kind of cute though, don’t you think?” jokes Wilbur, looking at Tommy with amusement in his eyes. “It kind of reminds me of when you were a baby.”

“He’s still a baby, Wil,” laughed Techno.

“I’m not a fucking child!!! Stop laughing!” Tommy cried out. This wasn’t funny! He, the Very Big Man, is hurting. Literally dying from pain. And embarrassment.

Why? Well... That is a long story. Let’s start when this all started, six months ago.

Tommy, as always was doing Big Man Shittm when suddenly he felt a lack of comfort at the top of his head and near his lower back. It wasn’t necessarily killing him, but he just felt out of place, as if something was supposed to be here but was missing. He didn’t bring much attention to it; the feeling would probably disappear after a good nap.

It didn’t.

Five weeks after and no sign of the sensation going away. Worse even, the feeling strengthened and it was the only think Tommy could think about. Maybe he’ll ask Phil to give him a potion of regeneration today. Or just steal one from Techno, it would be way easier.

“Do I want Phil to try and teach me how to brew or steal from a pig and get so unbelievably rich?” he asked himself as if the answer wasn’t obvious.

In case it wasn’t, don’t worry, Tommy will teach you the art of Stealth 101. Welcome to Class! First rule: don’t get caught.

Well... sometimes even the masters of the art can make mistakes.

“What are you doing there?” a voice behind Tommy asked.

The blond was on his knees rooming around through his older brother’s chests. In his hand there was multiple golden apples and a few regeneration potion. Seem a little innocent at first, but his inventory was full of stolen goods such as golden blocks, two stacks of gunpowder {what? He wanted to gift it to Tubbo. Motherfucker’s in love with TNT. Tommy tried not to judge him (at least not too hard)), a whole other stack of gapples, some diamond tools and some books. Don’t blame him! These things just asked to be stolen, they weren’t even that hidden!

Tommy sighed. He was lying to himself; he just got too greedy. Too overconfident, as always. And so, with his knees on the floor, his junk right next to him, he got caught red-handed. Like a moron. Complete and absolute fool. With his face trying to put up an innocent look, he resembled a raccoon. Straight-up a fucking raccoon.

He found it kind of funny. Technoblade was a loser after all, in all that armour he looked like a dumb twat. Why is it shining bro?? Why you got a horse?? There’s no damsel in distress to save.

Deep down Tommy wished he had armour. But laziness bro. Guys, you need to understand, Tommy Innit does not do labour, he pays other people to work for him.

And he was not about to pay Techno any penny. That’s why he needed to run away now. He does not have a death wish.

Okay, okay. Technically it was Techno who should be paying him. Getting robbed by The Big Man Tommy Theseus Innit was the highest service of honour anyone could provide on this server.

The blond was not about to say that to his face though. That’s why he opted for the business man technique.

“Hello, Technoblade. Fancy seeing you there.”

“This is my house, where else would I be?” fussed The Blade. “I’m going to make myself clear now; why are you in my house with... IS IT MY GAPPLES??”

“It was nice seeing you again, Techno. Now, shall you excuse me? I’ve got thing to attend to. Arrivederci Technerdci.”

The younger quickly got up and started running to the exit of his brother’s house. Perfect plan! He is a master of escape. Literally no one will be better than him.

He stopped dead in his tracks when he felt a pull near his neck. How dare Techno-

The piglin hybrid was holding him down by his neckerchief. Oh, fuck off.

“Oh, fuck off.”

“Theseus, I think we need to talk.”

“Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Techno. Blade. Technoblade. My Brother!!”

“Talk or I will kill you.”

Tommy could clearly see the man was not lying.

“Okay, you see... Humm... I am... pregnant...?” he chuckled nervously.

The older did not laugh.

“Okay. Okay. No, no, it’s okay, everyone has a bad day. It’s okay Techno to not have a great sense of humour. Not everyone is cool and the best like me.”

“Stop rambling and cut to the matter.”

“I’m dying?” asked Tommy not sure what was he supposed to say. To be fair, he could be dying and he didn’t know that. Oh my god was he dying?? He’s too pogchamp to die!! Who will be Tubbo’s best friend now?? Who will bully the enderboy?? Oh my god, the world can’t go on without The Big Innit.

Techno have him a very judgemental look.

“I- I’m in pain. For five weeks I’ve been lying on my bed not being able to move because my back and head hurt. I don’t know what’s happening.” He looked at the ground. “I’m sorry. I just needed help and I didn’t want to bother Tubbo with my useless problems like that.”

“Is Wilbur not there?”

“He left for the Nether quite some time ago. I’m sure it’s also just going to bother him.”

Techno smiled. “...Did you say that your head and back hurt? Is it your lower back? No, wait. Don’t your teeth hurt?”

“Wha- Techno, are you high? What is Phil feeding you? On God, go check your brain. I can get you therapy if you wanna.”

“Just answer my question, you stupid child.” All anger seemed to just disappear from the pink haired as he pushed Tommy on the couch and sat down right next to him.

Innit would rather get yelled that than see The Blade show any positive emotion towards him. It felt like calm before the snow. He sighed.

“Now that you mention it, yeah. I didn’t eat anything all day, trying to get to you. I don’t really get to eat that much because of... I don’t know. I’m just kinda poor.”

“Eat a gapple.”

“I can?”

“Go ahead.”

And so, he did. As well as drink a potion of regen, that didn’t really help that much in the long run.

“WHAT THE FUCK!!! IT HURTS SO MUCH!!!” he screamed his lungs out. Biting his hand to ease the now very noticeable pain. “Techie, help...”

“There’s some healing pots if you wanna use them, they won’t do much though. Wait here, I’m gonna call Phil.”

“What for?” he asked through his hand.

“We’re gonna have a little family reunion.”

Chapter Text

“You can’t be serious right now.”

“Yes. Yes, I am.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“First stage of grief – denial.”

“Techno I want you dead.”

“You don’t mean that.”

Of course, he didn’t, Technoblade was his brother. But right now? Right now, he could be gone for all he cared. Techno was a crazy man. Out of his mind. Spitting out bullshit about... about what Tommy hoped wasn’t the truth.

“Please tell me you’re lying.” Said Innit just above a whisper.

“I’m not sure if it’s true Theseus, but I do think it is the only answer possible.”

“What the fuck. If it’s real I’m gonna start stabbing shit.”

“Second stage - anger.”

“Techno do you ever shut up?”

“I should be the one asking you this question.”

“You are a sick, sick man Technoblade.”

“Thanks. At least I’m funny.”

“I’m gonna bite you.”

“I hate children.”

Both brothers decided that Tommy will stay for the week until Phil and Wilbur got the time to come and visit them. Tommy didn’t want no pity – but Techno seemed to acquire a soft spot for the blond (for some reason) so really, Big Man didn’t have a choice. His teeth hurt so much; he didn’t feel like eating all day. Or month. Please God, have mercy on him.

The pink haired man told him that all those signs of what he was feeling, could only mean one thing: that he was a hybrid.

Bullshit, am I right, chat?

Tommy was NOT a hybrid: he was a man – a Big Man!!! No way he was part animal.

Yet doubt started to rise in him when after a week of procrastinating on Techno’s couch and using his resources he could quite clearly feel two bumps on his head and one on his back.

He looked at himself in the mirror. The bumps will soon start to be visible. Two patches of brown hair – fur? – were starting to spread along his head, only a matter of time before his brother will start question it.

Talking about brothers. Someone was knocking at the door. And it wasn’t Technoblade.

Tommy opened the door.

“Hi, Wilby!” He smiled leaning against the doorframe. “What’s your business?”

“My business? Tommy, what the fuck- “

“Ey, ey, ey, ey, tshhhhhhh” he shushed the taller. “Wilbur, my brother. My Bro. Brother Dearest. No need for such anger.”

“Tom, you can’t just do this to me, I beg you.”

“Then beg.”

“I am going to stab you to death.”

“We are so clearly brothers, this is unbelievable.”

“No, don’t say that, I will cry.” Wilbur laughed as he took his younger brother in a hug. “I missed you, child.”

“Missed ya too, Big Man.” Said the blond returning the hug.”

“Ew, affection.” Technoblade stepped into the living room. It’s been such a long time since the three of them were all together in the same room. Guess exploring the world didn’t really do good for their little family.

Family. They were family.

“C’m’here, Techie.” Murmured Innit with a smile. “I know you want to join.”

“I will make you an orphan.”

“Tech, we’re brothers...”

“Orphan.”

They all laughed.

It’s been another two weeks, whole two months since this bullshit started happening. You could clearly see now the bumps (“Those are ears,” said Techno. “Nope. Fuck you.” Cursed Tommy.) from a few meters afar and Tommy looked at every high-waisted pants as if it was a personal attack. He had a lot of trouble eating, often taking at least an hour per meal.

Did he piss off his brothers a lot? Yeah, of course, who do you think he was? Yet they were more accepting of his shenanigans than usual, which made them...

Kinda sus.

At least that would be what Tubbo would say – holy fuck Tommy missed Tubbo. He hoped to see him soon. (No, he wasn’t clingy.)

Their brother’s weird behaviour sparked an idea in his head; what is his limit? How much can he annoy them before getting in serious trouble?

Well, he was about to find out.

And he would, really, if not the fact that when he decided to step out of the house, he met Phil’s face.

“Oh my god it’s Philza Minecraft.” Tommy gasped.

“I am literally your dad.”

“Boogie woogie woogie.” Philza facepalmed.

“Tommy, show me your head please” demanded Phil.

“No?? Who are you to touch my head?? My fath- oh...”

“...”

“...”

“Yeah, I thought so.”

He let the older man touch his precious set of hair.

“Holy shit, are you purring??” He laughed. “Dude, it’s so loud!”

“Am not!! Philza I cannot believe a great man like you would ever lie. Truly disgusting. I will cancel you on Twitter.”

“What?!” He laughed again. “Well at least now we know that you’re some sort of feline hybrid probably. Not a piglin, like Techno.”

“Techno’s a piglin?”

Phil’s eyes popped out. “You didn’t know?? He literally has tusks and pig ears. What the fuck, dude.”

Tommy was red from embarrassment. “Not gonna lie, I thought it was a very good cosplay.”

Phil died from laughter. Tommy couldn’t wait until Techno and Wilbur come home.

Which meant their family will be reunited for the first time since years. With Phil exploring the world, Techno’s “retirement” home, and Tommy following Wilbur on his tours from town to town, there was no time for the boys to see each other. Maybe... maybe all the physical pain Tommy is going through is worth it if it meant that his family is gonna be back together. What a little toothache if he could go back to the good old days, right?

Few hours later, Tommy changed his mind. This family needs to die. #orphan.

What happened? Well...

“Uno.”

“I AM GONNA STAB THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU!! IF THERE WAS A “KILL A BITCH” BUTTON I WOULD BE PRESSING IT RIGHT NOW SO BAD!! YOU WOULD PERISH!!”

Oh my. What led to this?

After all the four of them were in Techno’s home, they ate dinner. Didn’t go well is lightly put. Tommy started complaining about his teeth (nothing new) while Wilbur and Techno’s playful debate grow into a heated debate about anteaters. Phil just laughed.

People underestimate Dadza’s love for chaos. He literally has three chaotic children, where do you think they got that attitude from? And this is exactly why the older man decided to propose a game of Uno. He decided against monopoly; he wanted to have fun, not a headache. One hour of passive aggressive comments exchanging between the three sons and hell broke loose. Blood was spilled (metaphorically), someone was audibly crying, yet Phil had no idea who it was. Honestly? Hilarious. He missed his sons, and he missed his silly little family dynamic.

“Hey guys, wanna see a cool little trick and life-hack I found recently?” he said out of nowhere.

The brothers stopped their little dispute to listen to their dad. Nobody ever dares disrespect PHILZA MINECRAFT.

“Phil, for the love of God – never say “life-hack” in your life ever again. I beg you.”

“Then beg.”

“This house is a fucking nightmare.”

Phil took his youngest son on his knees and put his hands in his head.

“Philza Minecraft I know what you’re up to and I do not appreciate it. I will be suing you with my vast amount of money. You are fucking shi- purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

“LMFAO THE CHILD PURRS!!!”

“What is this? TommyInnit bully day? Shut up Wilbur. I hate you.”

“Can I try it too?”

“Sure, Techno.”

“No? What am I? A toy to pass around- rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

They won’t gonna let it live down for him, won’t they?

It was truly a sad day for TommyInnit and his community.

A week later, exactly, the house has fallen into a routine. Techno and Wilbur went off to be responsible and do something (not that Tommy cared what they did). (He did care.) While Phil stayed with the youngest and tried to call him down. Third stage of grief – bargaining. Motherfucker did not shut up. Theseus was all but silent, calm and collected. His ears were small, but clearly there. (“Those are not ears. This is just a symbol of my manliness given to me by God and Prime themselves.” “Denial, round two – electric boogaloo.”). The evenings when all the four of them were around, they mainly talked and played games, just like the good old times. Phil would tell them his many stories of when he was travelling around the world and the siblings would bond over it, as if they were still kids.

And three months passed just like that, until one dusk, they heard knocking on the door.

Chapter Text

The fourth stage of grief was depression.

Depressed? Tommy was the furthest thing from depressed – I mean look at what he accomplished. Do you see him? (A cat enters the scene. Tommy is holding him like Simba, while sitting on the couch in Techno’s living room. His name is Big C.) Do you think a depressed person could tame him? No.

Ranboo would differ; mopping around the whole day in bed is not what a “Big Healthy Man” would do. Well, this is exactly the reason he was planning out a map now.

A map? Why? You’ll see. Tommy will play with Michael so well.

After the night he and Tubbo arrived with Michael to his house and gave Technoblade a visit, their life became even more weird. For Tubbo, seeing his best friend with “cat ears” in front of his whole family wasn’t exactly the definition of normal. Well, it is what it is.

The house became crowded; not that Ranboo didn’t have a place to go, his house was less than a hundred blocks away. His problem was his family; Tubbo wanted to catch up with (torment) Tommy and Michael wouldn’t stop playing with the latter’s tail. He awkwardly looked at the owner of the house and muted a quiet “sorry”.

“So, what now, Big Man? You a furry or what?” laughed Tubbo while Tommy hit him. “I’m not a fucking furry!! That’s Fundy.”

“You’re an abomination.”

“I’ll make your face an abomination!! Arghh!”

“Did you just fucking growl?”

“Mind your own business.” He blushed, hiding his face from embarrassment.

“Yeah, and he purrs too” Philza chimed in.

“Traitor. You’re not my father anymore. And I thought I could trust y- rrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

“Oh my gosh it works. Thank you so much, Phil” said Tubbo. “I will use it only in emergencies. Which is always.”

“Tubs, I want a divorce. You just betrayed me.”

“I’m married to Ranboo, not you.”

“Divorce. Or I’ll cry.” He took Michael into his lap. “I’m taking the kid. Mine now.”

“It’s not even your child- why would you? –“

Eureka. Bingo. An idea sparked in Ranboo’s head. He was a genius. The smartest man alive. He crafted a map and started studying the house he was currently in. Wilbur and Philza left to go get some wood, so he asked to talk to Techno. He explained him his masterplan – maybe a way to get Tommy to fifth stage of grief – acceptance.

The piglin and enderman hybrids went along the house hiding various object in many places. Some golden apples, a few enchanting books, a diamond sword. All of these objects were around the vicinity of the house, marked on a map, only waiting to get discovered. A perfect game for a raccoon. Some of the objects were almost impossible to find or get, but it was all part of the game.

And so, Tommy found himself with Michael on his shoulders, while searching for hidden treasures for the entirety of the next day. Finally, a time of peace and rest for Dadboo. He was truly a genius.

“Hi sweetie, what are you listening to?” Tubbo bent down to the same level as his son. “Is this All I Need by khai dreams?”

“Only the best music for my nephew.” The raccoon confessed. “Besides, it’s better than that Lemon Demon shit Ranboo made him listen to before.”

“He what.”

“Yep, it had One Eyed Girl on loop. Sometimes I wonder if your kid is gonna be okay when he’ll grow up.”

“Excuse me Tommy, I have to speak to my husband now.”

“I- is he in trouble?”

“Tommy hide the nukes; I’m going feral through a divorce arc. Be right back.”

“Oh.”

Ranboo slept outside that day.

The next morning, Tommy’s scream woke up everybody in the area of a thousand blocks. The first to get to him was Wilbur.

“Toms, are you okay?” he asked.

“Why the fuck are my hands inky?”

“Inky?”

“MY FINGERS ARE IN BLACK INK, WILBUR!! WOULD YOU MIND HELPING ME FOR ONCE??” Innit panicked. He throw his hands up in the air with visible sharper nails and fingers that looked like if you gave a pen to a toddler. Maybe someone did give him a pen?

“Oh my god, what did you do again, child?” the older brother sighed.

“Is everything okay in there?”

“Technoblade. My favourite member of this fucking family. Help me.” Tommy dramatically gasped. “I’m dying. I see the lights in the tunnel. Grandma, is that you? God, I’m coming up.”

“Nevermind I asked. Good luck with the child, Wilbur” and as quickly as he appeared, the older man left the room.

“My beautiful, sweet hands. They are now completely gone. I am turning into a raccoon, and for real now.”

“Are we moving to stage five?” Tubbo whispered to Ranboo who just shrugged. “God, I hope so.”

The blond child continued “I think this is the end. I will now reject my humanity. It has been fun knowing you. Goodbye. Wilbur, I will not miss you. Everything in my will goes to Big C.”

“How do you resign from being a brother?”

The next few weeks went by with an odd routine. It was mostly just Tommy complaining and everyone else trying to mind their own business. The blond was even more insufferable than before; he was just lying around talking about how his ears and tail – now almost fully grown – were itchy and how he couldn’t eat because of his toothache. Now add to this his hands and raccoon sense.

If Wilbur didn’t want to kill the younger before, murder would be his new passion.

Talking about murder.

“Guys, I think I’m ready for my sixth stage of grief.” Tommy proudly announced, at the doorstep of Ranboo’s house.

“Sixth? What is this?” Ranboo was confused.

Tommy smirked and you could clearly see a spark in his eyes that the taller definitely did not like.

“Murder.” He pulled up a (stolen) diamond sword and threw himself at the enderman.

Oh well. Nothing out of the ordinary for the two weird but somehow functional families. At least all of them were happy

Except Technoblade. Don’t get him wrong; he loved his family very much. He just didn’t like being near them. Or talk with them. Or seeing them. Huhhh.

Too much sometimes is too much. Too loud. But he couldn’t just throw out his family, right?

WRONG. Technoblade does what he wants.

And this is how this m o n t r o s i t y came to life. A house- no, a shack stood a few blocks from the piglin’s house where now Wilbur and the raccoon seemed to want to live now. Whatever. Techno couldn’t care anymore. God have mercy on him.