Chapter Text
“So, how has training Chongyun been going?” Ganyu asked with a kind smile on her face while she took a sip of tea. She was sitting in Zhongli’s seat, a detail that Xiao did not fail to notice. He recalled many, albeit distant memories, of the archon in that chair. Xiao would feel the need to usher Ganyu out of said seat if she wasn’t, well, Ganyu. He was sat where Guizhong used to sit. It felt morally wrong in every sense of the word, but Ganyu insisted that they sat and drank some tea, so he would just deal with it.
“He’s made progress,” Xiao answered her question flatly, and it's not like he was lying. His expression remained its usual neutral that he had been told looked more annoyed than anything. There was a term someone used, Hu Tao to be exact, but it was slipping the Yaksha’s mind. All Xiao could remember is that he disagreed with her statement, not that he spent a lot of time analyzing his own facial expressions and social skills. Xiao shifted in his seat before continuing, “More progress than I’d expect from a human.”
Ganyu chuckled, took another sip of tea, then looked away from Xiao. “The view from here is lovely, don’t you agree?”
He followed her gaze to peer at the view. It wasn't what he would consider to be 'lovely.' Not that it looked bad, but Xiao had just seen Liyue from better angles before, and with better lighting. The cloudy sky made everything seem muted, compared it its usual vibrancy. “It’s fine,” Xiao eventually said.
“Y’know, you’re allowed to enjoy things, right Xiao?” Ganyu teased. “But maybe I’m just too used to the view from the Harbor. It’s not often I get to come out and see the rest of Liyue.”
“I usually don’t have the time to sit and watch the view,” Xiao brushed off, before turning back to his tea. Admittedly, he wasn’t paying attention when Ganyu told him what kind of tea it was. It was either something fancy, or medicinal, or both knowing Ganyu. All Xiao knew was that it had an almost golden color, and all he could hope was that he could stomach it.
“Well I find that hard to believe,” Ganyu said as she too turned back to her beverage. “I can’t recall the last time we met up and I didn’t see you staring at the scenery at one point or another.”
“I’m not admiring the view. I’m keeping watch,” Xiao corrected the half adeptus. Reluctantly, he lifted his cup and took a sip. He didn’t recognize the flavor, but it wasn’t all that bad. Far better then the tea that Verr Goldet would try and serve him with his beloved almond tofu on occasion. Ganyu sighed, drawing Xiao’s attention away from his tea and to her. “Are you alright?” he asked.
“Yes, yes. Sorry,” Ganyu said with a dismissive wave of her hand. “It’s just- Archons, Xiao. Do you do anything other than worry about protecting people?” She asked, this time sounding… some way. Xiao couldn’t really understand what to make of it.
“It’s my sworn duty to defend Liyue. If I don’t ‘worry,’ about protecting people, who will-”
“The Liyue Qixing, Xiao,” Ganyu interrupted the other adeptus. “The contract exists for a reason, y’know.”
Xiao took another sip of his tea, not meeting Ganyu’s eyes. “I am aware.”
“Are you?” Ganyu pushed.
“Yes,” Xiao assured her, a bit harshly. “But I still have a duty. As do you. Liyue may have the Qixing to defend against many threats, but I alone have burdens to carry that no one, other than myself can carry. There are some threats that mortals can’t defend against. You of all people should know that, Ganyu.”
One again, Ganyu sighed. “I do. It’s just…” she paused, mindlessly taking another sip of tea. “It seems unfair that the other adepti get to live their own lives now, while you still have to adhere to certain duties. Your karmic debt- You shouldn't have to continue torturing yourself for the sake of others. You don’t deserve to suffer, Xiao.”
A heavy silence hung in between the two adepti as Xiao processed Ganyu’s words. It felt like such a trivial thing for her to be worried about. He could handle himself just fine. Ganyu was in charge of things that, while ultimately inconsequential to Xiao, were still important to Liyue Harbor. Things that impacted peoples lives directly, and with her busy schedule, Xiao would have never considered that she would take the time to worry about him. The clear concern she had about Xiao’s well being just felt unnecessary.
Xiao did what he did because it was his duty. Plain and simple. And the karmic debt? Well, he had much to atone for, and Xiao was well aware of the grip it had on him. It was a burden he deserved to carry, but nobody else seemed to realize that. Perhaps it was because nobody truly knew the extent of his sins. That would stay between him and Celestia if Xiao had anything to say about it. The horrors that he’s committed were not something he hoped for many others to be privy too. Even those as close as Ganyu, the traveler Venti, or even Zhongli. They knew bits and pieces, but the last thing Xiao wanted to do was recount the story of his life.
One thing felt entirely false about Ganyu’s words. That’s what drove Xiao to finally say, “I don’t lead as miserable of a life as you seem to believe I do.”
“What?” A puzzled look painted itself on Ganyu’s face.
With a swig of the warm drink in his cup, Xiao continued. “The karmic debt that I carry… while it is a burden, I have learned to live with it.”
“But it still hurts you, does it not?” Ganyu pushed, and there was a shine in her eyes that Xiao didn’t want to acknowledge.
“Yes,” he answered simply. “But, it doesn’t make it impossible to enjoy things. Your company is-” Ganyu tilted her head, curious. “Not something I dread. And it’s the same with others. I- I still… I still worry about hurting people, but the traveler showed me that I can let myself enjoy the company of others, as long as I’m careful.”
Xiao wanted to stop there, but he knew there was one more thing to say. So, before Ganyu could get out a response, he blurted, “Besides, I have another responsibility now.”
“Oh?”
“I have a student, and while my knowledge on human emotions is still very limited, I… I worry about him,” Xiao said, shifting in his seat. He took another sip of tea. “He pushes himself too hard, alarmingly hard, and he ignores this condition that he has. He’s also cut off his connections to his friends just so that he can train harder, Ganyu. Not to mention what he's told me about his parents. I just feel like he's hiding things that are important for some reason.”
Ganyu hummed, a ghost of a smile on her face as she finished off the last of her tea. “He certainly reminds me of someone.”
Xiao rolled his eyes, “Venti said the same thing.”
“It’s because it’s true, Xiao,” Ganyu remarked with a short laugh.
“I just don’t know what to do other than continue training him. I think he needs this, Ganyu and I don’t know if I can be what he needs,” Xiao admitted. This was another situation where it would be entirely different if it wasn’t Ganyu who Xiao was talking to. Although, he still did feel a small part of himself screaming to not be so vulnerable. Then again, there were a lot of screams resonating in Xiao’s mind, so he’d gotten pretty good at tuning them out.
Ganyu slowly reached out a hand and patted the back of Xiao’s own hand that rested on the table. “If it’s any solace, I think you’ve done a great job so far.”
“I have no idea what I’m doing,” Xiao deadpanned.
“You’ll figure it out. Just don’t push yourself too hard, Xiao. You look more exhausted than usual,” Ganyu teased as she awkwardly reached over to ruffle Xiao’s hair. He swatted her hand away.
“You’re one to talk.”
“I’m always this exhausted, Xiao,” Ganyu offered, an almost smug look on her face.
The younger adeptus wanted to say some witty response, not that he was particularly witty, by any means actually. However, he was distracted by a distant shout. Xiao and Ganyu both turned towards it in an instant. They were met with the sight of Shenhe sprinting towards them. Sprinting towards them with a body in her arms. Chongyun. Chongyun was unconscious, and Shenhe was running to them for help.
A surge of panic coursed through Xiao’s veins, and he didn’t even think before he appeared at Shenhe’s side. “What happened?” He demanded, and if there was even an ounce of desperation in his tone then Xiao would rather die than admit to it.
Abruptly, Shenhe stopped and faced Xiao. It was clear that she was trying not to jostle the teen in her arms, what with the iron grip she had on him. “I don’t know, he just passed out while we were training. I checked to be sure he was breathing then-”
“Have you checked his temperature?” Xiao interrupted the older exorcist, deadly serious.
Shenhe paused, “Yes, I did.”
“Was he any more irregularly hot than usual?” The adeptus proceeded to pull off the glove that did not hold his vision and tossed it to the side before he pressed his pale fingers to Chongyun’s forehead, just to be sure. He was not going to be taking any chances here. The teen had a real talent for passing out, and Xiao honestly wasn’t sure he could take another scare. Oddly enough, Chongyun felt colder then usual, almost clammy even.
“No, if anything, he felt colder than usual,” Shenhe answered, confirming Xiao's own observations. There was an air of stoicism to her tone that disguised the apparent nervousness that was washing over her.
Xiao wasn’t sure if he was relieved or just more concerned about that. On one hand, it wasn’t Chongyun’s condition that made him pass out this time. On the other hand, it could be something much worse than that given the circumstances. However, this was no time to panic, not if Xiao wanted to be sure Chongyun was okay. He just had to be okay. He’d been in worse shape and came out fine before. “Lay him down on the ground,” Xiao instructed.
Shenhe compiled without question, carefully laying Chongyun on the grass. By then, Ganyu had run over to meet the three of them. “What happened?” She asked, the same seriousness as Shenhe about her, while using the same words Xiao had before.
Xiao crouched down next to Chongyun before saying, “He passed out, we don’t know why.” With his ungloved hand, Xiao felt around his students neck for his pulse. Much to Xiao’s worry, it felt slower than it should be.
“Does it seem serious?” Ganyu questioned, crouching next to Xiao.
“We’re trying to figure that out,” Shenhe answered before Xiao had the chance to. She was surveying her nephew with a firm expression. She closed her eyes and took a breath before looking up and locking eyes with Xiao. “Do you think you should bring him to a doctor in the harbor?”
Xiao’s instant reaction was to say, ‘yes, absolutely’ but in all reality he was clueless. More often than not, he would ignore his own injuries or ailments in favor of productivity, so he was at a loss here. “I don’t know,” Xiao turned to his right towards Ganyu. “What do you think?”
The half-adeptus hummed, then firmly asked Shenhe, “Was he acting out of the ordinary before he passed out? Short of breath, nauseous, tired?”
Shenhe didn’t take much time to mull it over, “He seemed pretty tired the whole time.”
“Okay,” Ganyu directed her next question to Xiao. “How was his pulse? And do you know how he has been sleeping lately?”
“Slow, and…” There Xiao drew a blank. He usually didn’t put a lot of thought into sleep, just as a general concept. “I’m not sure.’
“Alright, I don’t think it’s anything serious,” Ganyu paused with a thoughtful expression. “He most likely passed out from exhaustion, so we should stay here for now. But, just to be safe, take off his overshirt.” She informed Shenhe and Xiao. The latter clung to Ganyu’s words like a lifeline. It’s nothing serious, Xiao mentally assured himself.
He and Shenhe complied with the request immediately. Shenhe undid the buttons and carefully slid off the article as Xiao lifted his torso off the ground before laying him back down. There was a sense of urgency in both of their movements, that much was obvious. At the same time, Ganyu removed his belt and placed it next to where Shenhe had placed Chongyun’s shirt.
“What should we do now?” Shenhe asked, keeping her eyes fixed on the rise and fall of Chongyun’s chest.
With a sigh, Ganyu replied, “Unless either of you have smelling salts on you, we wait.”
The two carried on talking, but Xiao stopped listening. He felt- well he didn’t know he felt. There was still adrenaline coursing through his veins, his head was starting to hurt, his ears were ringing, and everything just seemed wrong, in a sense. But why? There was nothing to worry about, Chongyun was fine. Xiao has dealt with him passing out before, even recently. So there was no reason this time should be any different.
But somehow, it was and Xiao couldn’t deny the fact that he felt, for lack of a better word, scared. He hardly felt scared in all honesty. Uneasy? Sure. Worried? How could he not be with someone as reckless as Chongyun in his life. But scared? Not usually, to say the least.
It was a deep, visceral fear that almost didn’t feel like his own, and that’s when Xiao connected the dots. It could not be worse timing, but centuries worth of karmic debt didn’t care about timing, and would become an issue when it damn well pleased.
Without so much as a word in explanation, Xiao stood up and teleported away. He hardly had to think about the destination, it was almost instinct at this point. In an instant the adeptus found himself on the island floating above Qingyun Peak. A place of solitude where he wouldn't be at risk of hurting someone. Xiao knew that his sudden departure was rather brash, but he saw no other option. If there was even so much as a chance that he was going to lose control of himself and hurt Ganyu, Shenhe, Chongyun, or archons know who else, then he wasn’t going to take it.
There was a sudden feeling of shakiness that overcame Xiao, and he haphazardly sat on one of the benches attached to the structure on the floating island.. All too soon, he felt a pounding in his head, and the ringing in his ears evolved into a series of pained screams and cries. Xiao felt like his entire body was on fire. A blazing fire, that burned no matter how much you tired to put it out. He'd felt this same fire before, but that didn't make it anymore bearable/ It hurt like every single injury Xiao had sustained in his entire life was opening all over again and there was no amount of medical care that could stop it.
There was an especially sharp pain in his left hand, starting at the center of his palm, and trailing to end of each finger, and down his forearm. Xiao brought his right hand to clutch his opposite wrist. The pain only got worse, and worse. Xiao had to stifle back a scream of pain as tears burned his eyes. He felt the edges of his consciousness going black, and Xiao couldn't tell if it was the karma, or if he was on the brink of passing out. Nor did he care. He just- he didn't know. Xiao was sure that this was killing him.
He was on the brink of dying, or losing it, or whatever other dark fate was in store for him. All of a sudden, a slight breeze brushed past the adeptus, and the concentrated pain in his hand seemed to disperse itself through out the rest of his body. Xiao would have cried in relief if he still wasn't in tremendous pain. He buried his face in his hands, and tried to take a breath, but it came out as more of a pained gasp. “Just fight it,” he whispered to himself. It was hardly audible over the shouts in his ears, but Xiao knew how to handle this. He just needed to stay calm, and focus on keeping the karma at bay.
Distantly, Xiao heard Ganyu’s voice call his name, several times actually. She knew that he could hear her, and Xiao only wished it was a two way street. At least then he could tell her that she didn’t need to worry without putting her in danger. For now, however, he could just have to ignore her call. The part of his head screaming not to was almost louder than the other screams in his head, but Xiao would just have to trust that Ganyu and the others would be fine for now.
In the mean time, he had to be sure he didn't lose his own mind.
Xiao had no clue how much time had passed, but with much effort, he’d managed to quell his karmic debt to something more manageable once again. He felt distant, and he was only just now coming back to himself. He felt shaky, and overwhelmed, and phantom pains still shot through his left arm. Something had managed to quell that pain, and Xiao had a sinking suspicion he knew what, more accurately who, was responsible. But, that damned bard had yet to come around and show his face, for for now Xiao could only hope he knew how he appreciated it.
Perhaps a bit hypocritically, Xiao just looked out at the scenery for a long while as he calmed down.
The cloud-covered sky remained to cast Liyue in the same muted light as before, and it looked like rain was on the cusp of arrival. Liyue was just as beautiful as ever, even with the weather. The view from the island Xiao still sat upon was unrivaled by all means. Tall mountain peaks just reached above the layer of fog that was hung over Liyue. Golden leaves from the trees littered the wide open fields and ruins scattered throughout the vast nation. Turquoise waters that appeared murky with the lighting and distance stretched for miles, and the magnificent piece of architecture that was the Jade Chamber floated about the harbor in the distance. Xiao would do anything the vast land before him.
Perhaps his devotion to Liyue started with Morax saving his life, but Morax was no longer, and Xiao had grown attached to Liyue for far more reasons than his contract with the former archon. Not that that wasn't still a big factor in his loyalty. With nobody around to see, Xiao allowed a fond sigh to escape his lips. Despite the lightness in which gazing upon the place he called home brought, Xiao still felt an undeniable weight on his chest.
He felt so thoroughly exhausted, and he had admittedly felt that way for years. His dedication to Liyue was both a blessing and a curse that could make even just keeping on feel impossible. It was one thing to fight the hardest battles for the sake of others, but that became increasingly more difficult when Xiao had to fight his own demons as well. Both figuratively and literally.
Xiao’s life was bearable, but not easy. Some things made all the suffering worth it however.
Speaking of which, as Xiao let himself think, the sound of his own name being called echoed in his mind. It wasn’t Ganyu’s voice this time, either. It was Chongyun.
The adeptus took a moment just to be sure he was going to be okay, and was then back at his students' side. With wide, worried eyes, the adeptus surveyed his surroundings. Chongyun was no longer laid out on the open grass, but rather sat under a tree. The very same tree that he and Xiao had once played checkers while sitting underneath. Now, however, was not the time to reminisce. Not when Xiao was still unsure if Chongyun was really okay or not.
The teen had his back pressed against the tree's trunk, and by the archons did he look exhausted. Far more exhausted than before, and maybe even exhausted as Xiao felt. Then again, maybe Xiao just didn’t notice before. Maybe he hadn’t noticed a lot of things that he should have noticed before. Shenhe was sat beside him, the hair that was usually covering her face was pulled back with the rest of it. The pair seemed to have been in the midst of a conversation that was brought to an abrupt halt by Xiao’s arrival.
Chongyun’s blue eyes with slitted pupils that mirrored Xiao’s own were fixed on him. Xiao was trying to come off as aloof as possible, while still being prepared to take immediate action if necessary. Luckily, things seemed to be okay, for the most part. At least with Chongyun, for himself, Xiao would have to take that into evaluation later.
“Xiao, you’re back,” Ganyu’s voice spoke before anyone else had the chance. Xiao spun around to see her walking towards him, not much of an expression on her face. “After I called you the first few times and you didn’t come back, I figured what you had to be doing was pretty important. But, I’m sure it’s all over with now that you’re here, right?”
“Yes, I have… things taken care of, but,” Xiao gestured to Chongyun while still facing the half-adeptus. “He was the one who called me.”
“Oh uh, sorry, I didn’t realize you could hear it if I just mentioned your name. Shenhe and I were talking and, yeah,” Chongyun clarified, a bit embarrassed. His voice sounded strained, and Xiao had to fight off the urge to punch him for being so dumb, as well as the urge to ask if he was okay over and over until Xiao could believe that he actually was.
Ganyu made it back to the other three and considered Chongyun’s words. “That usually doesn’t happen, unless you're trying to get his attention or if Xiao is listening for it.”
Shenhe, Chongyun, and Ganyu looked towards the adeptus. He just huffed, unsure if he actually was waiting for Chongyun to call, or if it was just some coincidence. “Regardless of the reason, I’m here.”
“What happened?” Chongyun questioned, sitting up more against the tree.
Almost immediately, Xiao replied, “Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that question? I wasn’t the one who passed out earlier,” he tried to let some of his concern leak into his tone, but the words came out far more harsh than Xiao would have liked.
“About that-”
“You’re not blaming him for passing out, are you?” Shenhe piped up, protectively. There was a volent look that spiked in her eyes.
Xiao took a breath, that was the last thing he wanted Chongyun to believe. That he blamed him for this, or just about anything. “No, I’m not.”
“Well it was kind of my fault. I mean, I was the one who skipped breakfast so-”
Chongyun was interrupted again, by Ganyu this time. “You haven’t been buying him meals?” She questioned Xiao.
Xiao’s eyes widened. That was just about the last thing on his mind at the moment. Was he supposed to be doing that? “Umm, no?”
“I have plenty of money saved, so it’s not a big deal,” Chongyun offered, but was promptly ignored by Ganyu who spoke up again.
“Oh my fucking archons,” she muttered at first. “So you’re telling me that he’s been paying for everything himself for the past however long he’s been your apprentice?”
“Two months,” Xiao and Chongyun both offered in unison.
Ganyu let out an exasperated sigh, and rubbed a hand over her face. “Xiao, take us to Liyue harbor. I’m treating us all to lunch, okay?”
“That’s really not necessary,” Chongyun said, glancing between Ganyu and Xiao. Xiao was about to say the same thing, but Ganyu was having none of his shit apparently.
“It is necessary, you need to eat something,” Ganyu scolded. “Shenhe, you’re coming too.”
“Oh, okay,” She replied simply, before standing up and offering a hand to help up Chongyun. Xiao noticed that there was the slightest bit of hesitation before he took her hand. One both stood up, they approached Xiao, as well as Ganyu.
The half-adeptus looked at him expectantly, and Xiao huffed before he held out his left arm for the three of them to grab. Ganyu and Shenhe both had equally confident grips, but it was almost impossible to ignore the slight shake of Chongyun’s hand as it reluctantly gripped Xiao’s wrist. The adeptus took note of this, but eventually complied with Ganyu's request. Soon though, they were all standing at the front entrance of Liyue Harbor.
Dark and heavy clouds stood out against the bright architecture Liyue provided, and things seemed rather desolate compared to the bustling crowds that Xiao expected of the harbor.
They all let go of Xiao’s arm, and Ganyu said, “The Harbor doesn’t seem busy today, so we can go just about anywhere. Any preferences, Xinyue Kiosk, Wanmin restu-”
“No!” Chongyun blurted out all too quickly. Another thing worth noting. The young exorcist cleared his throat before continuing to say. “Um, just not Wanmin Restaurant, the food there is far too spicy for my liking.”
“Oh, okay,” Ganyu paused, a puzzled look on her face. “How about we just look around and see what else is open then? Sound good?”
Chongyun nodded, and Shenhe gave a short “Yes.”
“Let’s get going then,” The half-adeptus said with a smile, before gesturing for Shenhe and Chongyun to lead the way. The pair started forwards into the Harbor, and Ganyu almost followed before noticing that Xiao had yet to move from his spot.
“It’ll be fine Xiao,” She assured him, without even having to hear why Xiao was hesitant. He normally didn’t like entering the Harbor unless he had to regardless. With the way that Xiao’s karma had started to take hold of him earlier, it was now the last thing he wanted to do. It was too risky, even with the lack of abundance of people that day. He was a danger to the people of Liyue, and he couldn’t risk-
“You don’t need to join us, Xiao,” Ganyu said, calmly.
Xiao opened his mouth to say something, then closed it, and then did the same thing again. Like some poor socially inadequate goldfish who had gotten lost somehow. Finally, he sighed and said, “I’ll join you, I just-”
“You can leave whenever you want, I know you’ll come back if we need you.”
It was moments like that that made Xiao so fully aware of how unworthy he was to have people like Ganyu in his life. She was too kind, especially to someone like Xiao who was fully convinced that he deserved not so much as an ounce of kindness. This kindness he wished to repay tenfold, but he still didn’t know if he would ever know how.
“Okay,” was all he said.
Ganyu smiled, before turning to catch up with Shenhe and Chongyun, and Xiao almost followed before she spun around to face Xiao again. “I almost forgot,” she spoke before summoning a familiar object. “You took off your glove earlier, and I figured you wouldn’t want to lose it so…”
“Oh, right,” Xiao reached out to grab the glove with his bare hand. As he took it, a small gasp escaped Ganyu’s lips.
“Xiao, your.... your hand,” She pointed out, sounding something akin to scared.
The events from before replayed in his mind, and Xiao instantly looked to inspect his hand. The sight was… well not a good one. His fingers were stained black, and the dark color trailed down to make his entire hand appear gray. The veins in his wrist held this same shade of black, and the color only spread further down his arm. It looked twisted and decayed, a stark contrast from Xiao’s otherwise human appearance. That was... probably not good, to say the least.
His shock must have been clear to Ganyu, for she said. “Is everything alright Xiao? That looks serious. Is it… is that from earlier when you left.”
Xiao figured that the honest answer was yes, despite him not having noticed it before. But, despite his own worry, he didn’t want to burden Ganyu with his own ailments so he just said, “I have it handled. We should catch up with Chongyun and Shenhe.” Afterwards, he promptly pulled his glove back onto his hand, and entered Liyue Harbor.
If he was going to go through with this, there was no point stalling any further. Besides, Xiao couldn’t help but feel a bit worried about Chongyun, so he chose to focus on that rather than his own situation. He would figure it out later, and the biggest lie that Xiao ever told himself was in that moment when he tried to believe everything was going to be fine.