Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Good morning, Your Majesty,” Suzaku says, running a gloved hand over the smooth surface of the headstone. “Lovely day, isn’t it?”

When Suzaku closes his eyes behind the Zero mask and really, truly tries his best to conjure up every memory he has, stored in his brain, he can almost remember what Lelouch used to sound like. He can almost remember the little lilts and deep baritones in his voice, almost as if the boy was speaking to him once more. 

“Weather is a trivial matter, is it not?” he would’ve said, in that haughtily commanding tone. Suzaku bites back a chuckle. He was always so cynical.  

Suzaku has mellowed out over the years, though he knows that Lelouch would’ve disagreed had he been around to witness the man that Suzaku’s become behind the mask. He doesn’t get as angry, isn’t so quick to hate. The world has become softer, kinder and gentler in the years since Lelouch has been gone— all the king’s doing, of course— and maybe that kindness has wiped away some of the leftover grime, still corroding Suzaku’s heart.

“Do you have any plans today?” Suzaku asks, absentmindedly wiping away some of the dirt that has settled on the cool, gray headstone. “Oh, how silly of me. I heard Shirley’s got you tied up in all sorts of things these days.” 

He doesn’t mention Euphemia because it still hurts too much (because, even in death, he still resents Lelouch. He still holds a grudge. It’s an odd thing, unexplainable, but he doesn’t want to believe that Lelouch has met up with her again and made peace. He doesn’t think Lelouch ever regained that right). 

“You always did like that dumb stuff we used to do in Student Council, didn’t you?” he asks, a smile twitching at the corner of his lips. “You pretended to be annoyed but I caught you smiling once or twice.” 

He knows Lelouch would’ve vehemently denied that statement, claiming to hate frivolous things like parties and festivals and dress-up. But he had loved Milly and he had loved Rivalz, he had loved Nina and Arthur and he loves Shirley. Suzaku knows the truth. Suzaku knows everything about Lelouch. 

“Ah, well,” he sighs, “it doesn’t really matter anyway, huh? Shirley would’ve found a way to convince you, no matter what. You really missed her, didn't you?”

The wind whistles, blows through branches that prattle nervously. Lelouch’s memorial is in the homelands but his resting place is behind Ashford, where Suzaku knows his soul presides. He spent his softest years here, the ones as Lamperouge. It was never truly him, the person who lived at Ashford and hid behind a fake last name, but it was quiet and the years were spent with Nunnally. Suzaku knows that, deep down, Lelouch had cared for those times as well. Before he was Zero but after he was Vi Britannia. Before he brought an empire down to its knees. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to visit recently, Your Highness,” Suzaku apologizes, bowing his head a little before grinning, ruefully. “That little sister of yours has me working to death. No matter how peaceful the world may seem, just know there are thousands of pounds of treaties and paperwork behind it.

“She talks about you more and more these days. I think it’s because the 10 year anniversary is coming up… it’s right around the corner, I suppose.”

10 years, Suzaku thinks. Since that day. 

Suzaku sighs, “Really, Lelouch, you should visit her more often. Alright? She’s already got so much on her plate, you shouldn’t give the Empress any extra heartache. I know how much she misses you. She had me fold some origami cranes with her the other day, just like we used to do when we were younger.” 

Then, after a second, he asks, “Can you feel it? Wherever you are, Lelouch, can you feel her love?” The ‘can you feel mine, too?’ is unspoken but Suzaku knows Lelouch can hear it too. Lelouch knows the deepest parts of his soul. 

“Prime Minister Ohgi is planning on retiring soon. He says he wants to step down to focus on his family,” Suzaku continues to prattle on, rambling but he likes speaking to Lelouch, “but you probably knew that already. You're always stupidly on top of things. His kids are almost your age, you know?”

Suzaku bites his lip to keep the tears at bay. He’s become so good at handling them so why, why do I always end up crying? But he thinks of Ohgi’s kids and he thinks of Lelouch and how Lelouch will always be young, how Lelouch never got the chance to grow up like the rest of them. He will perpetually be that 17 year old that Suzaku loved and hated, despised and adored, all at once. He'd never get to grow into his age the way Suzaku did— the way they all did. 

Suzaku’s hands trembles uselessly as he removes the Zero mask. Leaning down, he rests his forehead against the cool headstone and pretends it’s Lelouch— real, in the flesh, true Lelouch. 

“His kids are almost your age but they’re so, so young. And they’re allowed to be young because they’ve never known war in their whole lives. That’s because of you, Your Majesty.” 

Suzaku is almost 30 years old but he feels like he’s lived a lifetime. Suzaku is almost 30 years old and, even though every night he tries desperately to remember, he’s starting to forget what Lelouch used to sound like. He’s starting to forget what Lelouch’s touch felt like, the unfairly soft way he used to run his fingers through Suzaku’s hair. 

He tries to conjure up an image of Lelouch, scrape the bottom of his memories but every day it comes up a little shorter. Every day the image becomes a little blurrier. Suzaku has stared down death more times than he can count but nothing is as scary as that fact— nothing is as scary as losing the only thing he has left of Lelouch besides a helmet and a promise. 

“Well, Your Majesty, you're not very talkative this morning so I'll leave you be,” he manages to choke out in between tears. He musters up a smile because Lelouch would hate it if he knew that Suzaku is crying. He rises to his feet and pats the headstone, in reassurance. Reassurance of who? Suzaku doesn't know. “I'm glad you're doing well." 

Suzaku is almost 30 years old, Lelouch is 17, and he’s starting to forget Lelouch.